23: The College Guide to Surviving Mean Girls | Feedback Friday

Transcript for Feedback Friday | The College Guide to Surviving Mean Girls (Episode 23)

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our guests, but our primary focus is to pass along their wisdom and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the Jordan Harbinger Show is to have conversations directly with you. In fact, these are our most popular episodes. A lot of people don't believe that, if you're new to the show, you'll be like, “Nah”, but then it's going to grow on you. It's going to grow on you, and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. We're going to grow on you a little bit by answering your questions. You can reach us at Friday@jordanharbinger.com and we've always got some fun ones and some doozies, but a lot of people have been asking, “How do I listen to this show on Android?

[00:00:42] I used to have this other app, or blah, blah, blah.” I recommend CastBox. It is a great app. We're also on Spotify, but it's not really set up for podcasts because you can't subscribe to anything. You just have to keep checking the app all the time for new episodes, which is not really ideal, so we recommend CastBox. It is for both iPhone and Android platforms and there's also, of course, the PodcastOne app as well. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:01:05] Hello! Do you have any tips for someone with little to no self control? Whenever I tried to get things done, I find myself hours later not having done anything. Maybe there's a book on my desk I feel like reading or a notification pops up on my phone -- doesn't matter. It distracts me from any assignments I have and it's very hard to break away.

[00:01:24] As a rough estimate, I spend one and a half hours a day being unproductive. That needs to change. I'm worried that as I get older, school is only going to get tougher and I won't be able to cope. Are there any good tips you can recommend? Thanks for all you do. Sincerely, Wondering Mind.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:01:40] So this is classic procrastination. This is not really distraction. You're allowing this, right? This isn't like, “Oh God, there's so many things I have to do.” Notifications pop up on your phone? All right, put it in airplane mode. You are not missing anything. You need to eliminate these distractions so that you can start to attack the real problem, which is procrastination. So put the phone in airplane mode, put it in “Do not disturb”, you're not missing anything. If it's an emergency, the Do Not Disturb thing. Will get it handled.

[00:02:05] Delete social media from your phone and or turn off all notifications.  Everyone is susceptible to this. You can't just out willpower this thing ala Benjamin Hardy, we talked about this earlier this week. You can't have notifications. You can't have the environment set up to make you fail. Schedule blocks of time to get things done in your calendar. If it's in the calendar, it gets done. If it's not in the calendar, it does not get done because the problem is a lot of people go, “Oh great. All right, this is my study time. I'm generally going to study right now. Oh, beep, beep, bloop, bloop. Vibrate. Oh, I'm going to check this.” You don't want to do the studying. I get it. It's boring. You're not interested in it. You're in school so you can't have other things that are interesting in your environment. I also recommend you get up earlier to get more done.

[00:02:51] You can easily and totally guilt-free waste 90 minutes a day. If you get up 90 minutes earlier because then you're back to zero. No problem. You waste 90 minutes a day, get up an hour and a half before you need to. Here's the truth on the ground -- Your life will get more complex. It's not just school. Your life in general always will get more complex. You will have more responsibility. The stakes will be higher at school, at work, with your family. You have to get this under control. There are a lot more things you can do to eliminate distraction. But this type of procrastination, when it comes down to it, it's a fear of failure combined with a lack of systems. So this isn't your mind wandering. It's your environment setting you up to fail and in turn you have set up your environment. So I recommend highly listening to the Ben Hardy episode for more on this. That link is in the show notes that just came out this week, so you're going to want to get in on that and set up your environment to help you win and focus. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:03:48] Hi Jordan and Jason. I want to take my boyfriend's last name. Not marry him, just change my last name to his. My current last name is not at all a family name. I had an abusive slash threatening father at a young age and when my family left town, my siblings and I were put into a witness protection program. We then received new social security numbers and the family chose a new last name. I spent much time processing the trauma of my past and they've accepted and forgiven any harm that was my early history. But I have never been super close to my family, nuclear or extended and while I love them all, I don't feel connected to my last name. There's no identity in it for me. I've long thought about changing my last name to something I get to choose and it could be anything I want, but I would love for it to have some meaning to me.

[00:04:31] I've been dating my guy for over a year, met his family, and he always tells me how welcome I am in his family life. He has a unique last name which flows well with my first and middle name and I want to take it. I'm not super eager to get married as I was married and divorced in my very early twenties and no, it's not an adventure I need to take on again yet certainly would if we both agreed it was right for us. My man is also not in a rush to be married but is very committed and we keep the conversation open. We've talked about me taking his name and he blushes a little at the thought but doesn't seem to take me seriously. I know it would ultimately be his choice and I would even ask his family for permission if I can get to that step. I see the potential downside to this. If he and I don't stay together forever, the name could have some stigma with it, but if that's a risk I'm willing to take, what's the downside? Is it strange to let someone use your name who may or may not be forever in your life? Am I asking too much from him? Thank you for your feedback and thanks so much for all you do and share with the world. Love you guys. Signed, Identity Upgrade.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:05:28] Well this is unusual to say the least. You know I would say, yeah, I would say you should outline the pros and cons here. The pros, you get a new name, it's a little bit more meaningful to you. The cons. You don't stay together with this guy. Now you've got this other person's last name. It's not the same as your family’s. You've got to explain it forever. It's kind of like getting a tattoo of your significant other. When you're in your 20s and your husband's always like, “Why do you have Jared written on your butt?” You, it's kind of weird, you know, don't necessarily want to do something like that. I would, well, look, it doesn't matter what I would do, why not pick something that means something to you? You know? You can use any word or words. The sky's the limit here. And then when this guy commits to you, if, and I'm not saying he's not committed to you, when you guys commit to each other, you get married. If that happens, then you can change your name to his and you'll have a really cool maiden name. I don't really feel like you need to change your name to his. I understand the temptation. I understand your circumstances. I think it might also be a little bit like taking liberties. I mean, maybe he's laughing and blushing, but maybe he's not totally cool with it, you know? And it might cause a little rift or friction and you just don't need that.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:06:36] Yeah. I really feel like it could put undue pressure on the relationship and actually cause it to collapse, which is not the intended outcome. You know? If I was dating a girl who wanted to change her name to my last name, it would definitely kind of creep me out a little bit.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:06:47] Yeah. It's a little bit like the adult version of writing your first name and your crushes last name on a folder over and over and over and over and over again. Remember that in school, everybody did that in school, right?

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:02] Right. I did it on my Trapper Keeper, man.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:07:04] Yeah, exactly, me too. Of course. Do they still have those things? They must.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:08] On eBay in the, you know the vintage antique section.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:11] Right. It's like a Saved By The Bell Trapper Keeper with Zack Morris' face on it and Screech on the back.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:16] Oh, you're so young.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:07:11] Yes. How about A-Team? That would be a cool Trapper Keeper. I'd buy that.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:22]  That's my generation, A-Team -- I'm down or Magnum PI. I'm in.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:27] Yeah. Yeah. With. All right. We're just going down that rabbit hole. All right. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:11] Hi Jordan. Can't help but admire the rate that you go through books before you interview your guests. It sounds like you devour books in a whole day. Do you use any particular method that helps you with your accelerated reading slash learning, mind mapping, Cornell method, et cetera? The usual way I go and learn the content of a book is to read it once, then go through it again and decoding it chapter by chapter. Unfortunately, this takes an inordinate amount of time and more often than not, I find myself shoving it to the side is I end up getting distracted by a new and shiny topic of interest. Signed, Library Larry.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:08:02]  Nice, Library Larry. All right, so yes, I do devour a book in a day or two. I often burn out on a book after a few hours of learning, so I don't necessarily just blow through the whole thing in one go. I'm not, I don't have that kind of stamina, but I know a lot of people do. I don't go through chapter by chapter because what I found from reading so many books over the last several years is 95% of books, they are 300 pages long and they could be 50 pages long, but the publisher didn't want that. They wanted a 300 page book. So every book pretty much beats to death the good concepts that I would need to get from that. And then I'm usually going over it with the author in an interview. So if I blow through a book, I've heard those same concepts a handful of times, then I do an interview with the author.

[00:08:51]   I don't need to go through the book again, that's for damn sure. So what I do is I take audio books and I do those because I don't do well with paper. I get too distracted. It's too unfocused. My eyes get tired, I get headaches, whatever. I got to sit in an uncomfortable position. I don't like to do that. I do audio books. I block off time. I wake up early and get other things done and I go for a walk and I use headphones, AirPods whatever. I use Google docs for taking notes. I listen at 1.5 or 2X. I worked my way up there from one or 1.5 because I don't want to start off, you know, with my brain trying to race. I've got to catch it. I got to kind of warm up to it. And then I have that back 10 seconds button on speed press because I use it all of the time.

[00:09:34] I actually use it on my watch. So I walk around my neighborhood outside to occupy my mind and I avoid that shiny object syndrome for things in my office. So I'm not sitting down reading and then go, “Ah, let me look at this. Let me look at my phone. Let me look at this other thing.” I'm walking around my neighborhood, you know, most of my energy and some of my cognitive resources are taken up. My default mode network, if you will, is just, it's kind of like showering, right? Except you can't read audio books in the shower for very long, of course. I'm walking, I'm taking care of my brain doesn't have that monkey mind going for the most part. And then I don't have my phone notifications on. I use my watch to control the Audible app, so I'm not looking at my phone screen constantly.

[00:10:11] And then when I need some, I pause real quick and double tap on the AirPods is what I do. I break my phone out. I've got Google docs already open. I jot a note down and none and I get back to it. That lets me read a book in about three to four hours, which is actually quite slow. I mean Rob Felton who works with me here, I mean that guy, he can read a book in like two hours and he remembers the whole damn thing and gets all the concepts and all makes all these connections. I can do it about three to four hours, which is like I said, not that fast. Then again, I'm taking notes. You know, I was never a fast reader anyway, but that's what I do and I get them done fast.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:10:46] Now I don't recommend doing it the way that we do it because I do it exactly like you do. I always, but I'm always at 2X because I've been doing it longer than you have, but just taking notes and going through it super fast. I don't know if you're looking for a deep understanding, if that's exactly the way to do it because if you want to spend more time with it and bring it in when you're listening at 2X, you are getting it but not really spending time with it to let it kind of sink in. So if you have problems with short-term memory, it's going to come in and go out and unless you do take that note. So if you really want to get a deep understanding, I wouldn't do it the way that Jordan and I do it unless you need to like crunch for a test or something.

[00:11:22] But if you're reading a book to get long-term benefit out of it, I would think that they would want to sit with it just a little bit longer. Even though I know he says, “Oh, shiny”, and he goes off to the next thing, dedicate yourself to a book. Don't have another book on your desk or have one visible. That was one trick that I did when I had so many books. I kept buying books and had this library. Every time I would walk by, I'll get distracted. I'm like, “Oh, I want to try that book”, and I'd start that. Then it'd be reading seven books, but one day I'm like, “Oh, screw this”. I put them all in a box, put them in the closet and had one book out and that was my book until I was done. Then I would take the next

[00:11:54] book out, put the other one away and never be able to look at all the other books. That really helped me to focus on not getting distracted by the next shiny object that I bought like six months ago that I really want to dig into.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:05] Yeah, I don't read multiple books at the same time. I find that to be massively distracting. It's a huge pain. It somehow is slower than even what it would take to read me one book and then the other. It's like takes me three times as long somehow because of switching costs and being, “Oh, maybe the other one's more interesting”, you know, that doesn't work for me, so I agree. This is not something you do with a textbook. This is not something you do when you're trying to get a handle on a certain type of topic. That's a deep understanding.

[00:12:33] What I also do, and I'll explain this another time as well, I'm big on reading multiple books on the same topic and if there's 60% overlap, fine. I'm hearing concepts more than once from different authors that works for me just fine. But yeah, this isn't how to study for a college exam. This is how to get an overview of a topic so you can have an educated discussion with the author. That's kind of what we're doing here. We're not getting a deep dive into a topic, that for me would require multiple books. This episode is sponsored in part by Rhone. The one thing you should never have to question is your gear, especially if you're out running. You're doing a lot of sports. Getting sweat on. Rhone created this salient running short sleeve shirt. This is made with a seamless construction, strategic venting and all that jazz, but mainly it's made with salient.

[00:13:20] The first FDA determined fabric, which I didn't even know the FDA determined fabrics or analyzed fabrics, but this fabric has been determined to promote blood flow, increase energy, endurance, performance. The shirt goes the extra mile and there's silver threads in it. They use silver tech thread. So silver somehow, not sure how -- I got to Google this later -- naturally fights man stink. So they weave it into the shirt and I guess bacteria just can't, doesn't do well with silver around, it's like a vampire thing. I'm not sure. Not sure what's going on there. Don't forget about the Rhone commuter pants as well. Producer Jason swears by these things. You bought a bunch of extra pairs, Jason. Hope you used our code, JORDAN.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:13:59]  Of course I did. Yeah, no doubt about that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:01] Naturally. So go to rhone.com, that's R H O N E.com. Our listeners receive an exclusive offer of 15% off their first purchase with the use of the Jordan promo code at checkout.

[00:14:12] That's J O R D A N and this offer is only available to my listeners. So remember, rhone.com promo code Jordan at checkout for 15% off. This episode is also sponsored by HostGator. Love him or hate him, Edward Snowden. He let us all know that social networks are eyeballs deep in government surveillance. So why would you want to make that your homepage? Why are you trying to become part of the NSA Dragnet? Why not build your own NSA-free website where you control the data? Because of course the NSA can't get into your HostGator website. No one can. But in all seriousness, we do recommend HostGator's website builder because you can control what's out there. You can easily create a professional looking and feature-packed website. The best part is, there's no coding. You don't have to fix little characters. You can drag and drop, you can move and slide.

[00:15:00]  You can choose from over a hundred mobile friendly templates. Your site's going to look good on any device -- a smart phone, a tablet, a desktop. More importantly, other people's smart phone, tablet and desktop and they give you a ton of add-ons with HostGator, SEO, PayPal integration, shopping cart type stuff, people can buy stuff from your site. You don't have to be an SEO expert to get that rolling and you're going to get 99.9% uptime. The support team is there to help with any issues you experience 24/7 365 and they're giving you guys and gals up to 62% off their packages for new users, so go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/Jordan. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:41] Dear Jordan and Jason, I've just gone back to university and enrolled in some postgraduate studies. One of the papers I'm learning about is knowledge management, which is new and quite an abstract concept as I come from a science background.

[00:15:52]  I'm finding it really hard to learn about a topic where everything is new and I feel very out of my depth. I feel like I'm questioning myself a lot and finding it hard to understand what I read. I really admire your podcast for being able to read, digest, complex content, then be able to have an in-depth conversation on the topic. Do you have any tips about learning about a subject or topic that I don't have a lot of experience in? Thanks in advance. Determined But Confused.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:16] Wow, that's pretty good timing on this because it's like where we left off with the other question. Okay, perfect. So whenever we get into a new field, we, the Royal we -- not the Royal we, the collective we, sorry. The opposite of the Royal we, everyone, things always seem over our head, right? That's why I'm a big fan of immersion.

[00:16:34] That's what I literally where I left off in the last answer here. Immersion, really doing deep dives into topics where I can get a background on everything. And my question to you would be, can you find other people there who can tutor or explain things to you? This is how I got through law school. I'd go to class, I'd find myself zoning out, being like, damn it, look at notes, get other people's notes, not totally understand everything. And then what I found was that there were some really sharp guys who had given me their notes and I would go through the notes with them and ask them questions and they would teach things to me. And you're thinking, “Wow, that was lucky”. And I agree. But the thing is, they said this is so useful. When can we meet again? And so my study group was other people teaching me concepts because it was very helpful to them.

[00:17:17]  So this is great, right? I basically had a bunch of free tutors that were in class with me all the time. So if you can work that out, highly recommended. If you can't, get background papers on these ideas, read those, right questions for professors and go to office hours every day until you feel up to speed. Ask tons and tons of questions. If you don't understand what you're reading, write in the margin “What is this? I don't understand it.” Go to office hours. Just monopolize their time. That's why they're there for you. Honestly, nobody goes to office. I went to a really good law school. Those office hours were freaking empty. Nobody went. Professors were probably glad nobody went, but nobody went. Take advantage of that stuff. Now, when I was learning about block chain, for example, I asked tons of friends questions until they'd say something like, “Well, if you really want to know how this works, you need to read this white paper or that book on the subject.

[00:18:09] You need to watch this set of talks by these two guys and you can even do that for a weekend. I actually call these immersion weekends and this is going to be something I'm going to assign it to you all later on. I'm going to do some stuff on my website to keep you guys immersed in this stuff and you'll find that you will take huge leaps in your knowledge if you do these immersion things. Now, don't do this every weekend. You do need rest maybe once or twice a month max. You can also do immersion days and do them more often. You know, like Saturday I'm doing piano from nine to five, done. I'm going to learn piano. I'm going to practice piano, want to burnout on piano. The other elephant in the room here in this question is the imposter syndrome, which is, I think it's really, this is what's going on here.

[00:18:48]  This is a trait of high performers, which it means it's a good sign because it shows that you're aware of what you don't know and that you're having this nagging drive to educate yourself and get up to speed so that you can compete with the rest of your classmates. Now, that's great. This usually indicates that you're going to be totally fine. You're going to gain confidence over time. Imposter syndrome is weird because it seems like it's your intuition or something telling you, “Oh, I'm not cut out for this. I can't understand this. I'm mean over my head”, and you're going to fail. But what impostor syndrome really is almost always saying is that you're currently operating at a lower level than your mind knows you can, and that is causing some sort of discomfort, which will eventually go away as the gap between your perceived level of performance and your actual potential closes.

[00:19:38]  So I'll repeat that. Your brain has this little like dissonance, right? There's this gap between, “I know I can do better, but I'm not at that level yet.” As that gap closes, you'll gain confidence and feel better. So in other words, as you feel these uncomfortable feelings, they spur you to work hard and get better and that eventually you are doing better and then that feeling of imposter syndrome fades. So this is all a good thing. You're just worried because you're in a new subject and you're not performing as well as you did in your old course of study. So you think, “Uh-oh, I can't do this.” Instead of thinking, “This is new for me and this is normal”, and that's what I'm thinking is happening right now with you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:16] Nailed it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:17] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:20:19] Jordan, My first semester of law school got off to a really rough start. In undergrad, I really struggled with making and maintaining friends and dealt with a lot of social anxiety. I took a year off and spent that time as a server, which really challenged me to find ways to grow my social skills. My brother introduced me to your work and when I began applying what I learned, I ended up getting promoted and had made a ton of friends before I moved off for school. I was optimistic things would be different and better this time around. Unfortunately, I was unprepared for how the of school would impact my attempted relationships with my peers. I was made an outcast within the first two weeks by a group of what turned out to be the highest ranked girls in our class. I remember calling my dad after meeting these girls excited and thinking we had a lot in common and that we would be great friends. Things quickly changed though. One girl made herself a sort of ringleader and began doing little things that rubbed me the wrong way. For example, we had a group chat with the friends we met during orientation. Then one day she made a new chat dropping another girl who I thought was really nice out of it.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:21:17] Oh, this is like a text message chat group or something like a chat on the phone. Okay.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:21:22] Yeah. I asked her why she got uncomfortable and her excuse was, “Well, she has a boyfriend and can't do a lot, so I don't want to bug her with a bunch of messages.” And I replied with, “I think even if she can't do everything, she might still want to feel included.” The very next day I stopped getting messages in the group text. A couple of days later I saw them in the library in a pretty big table so I came up, said hey, and sat my stuff down. I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back they all had moved to a different table across the library.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:21:52] Oh, give me a break. This is ridiculous. This is law school.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:55] I thought yeah, I was going to say, I thought she was at law school, not kindergarten.

[00:21:59] Currently not. I decided to try again the next day and I invited them to go try this taco place I heard about, but they all had variations of the same excuse of being too busy. After they'd all gone, another guy and his girlfriend ended up volunteering to go with me and when we got there they were all at a table already. I couldn't even eat.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:22:17] What is happening? This is like a Lindsey Lohan movie. This is ridiculous.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:22:22]  It reminds me of Heathers. She made friends with a bunch of Heathers. Oh man. So not long after I ran into one of the girls at a bar and she was pretty drunk. She confirmed the girl's actions to exclude me were intentional and she said she felt pretty bad about it. She told me when they renamed the group message after they made a new one without me, they named it -- Girls who don't curl their hair -- in reference to me and a few other girls who tried to look polished during our first couple of weeks. She went back to being a loyal lackey and ignoring me after that night. Luckily, I was able to join the soccer team at the school and met some high value people, but my confidence has been a bit shaken. I know it sounds like high school or middle school.

[00:23:00] I'm not proud. I let it bother me so much, but I couldn't help but feel pretty rejected and hurt. Once we got our rankings after the fall semester ended, they made sure everyone knew they were in the top of the class. I however, was not, not even close and that hit me pretty hard. I started off the semester panicking, feeling like I wouldn't be able to find work for the summer because of my grades on top of struggling with my finances. One day though, I ran into a lady who had done my hair previously and we began talking and catching up. I expressed my concern about work and she suggested that I make contacts and network. Yes, she does hair for a lot of people in the town, including some attorneys, judges and representatives. She put me in contact with an attorney. She knows very well who is an alumna at my law school and who wanted to make plans to meet me for lunch.

[00:23:43] Unfortunately though, the plans fell through because she forgot she had traffic court. She asked me to send her times when I could meet again, but I never got around to it. I really want to meet this woman in person just to have that connection and maybe get some insight on school, but I have let several weeks pass without ever sending her my schedule. The thought of doing it now gives me a bit of anxiety. Now, is there a more effective way of dealing with these girls at school than just ignoring the pettiness, making other friends and being nice whenever I'm forced to be in contact? And is there any way I can reconcile not having responded to this woman for weeks or is it too late to try? I'd love to hear your take on either or both of these situations. Sincerely, Girl Who Doesn't Curl Her Hair Anymore

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:24:25] Oh well I feel that. Okay, this makes me angry to hear stuff like this.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:24:29] You and me both brother, you and me both.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:24:31] So I'm looking at this message from an intelligent, friendly, successful future attorney who is being treated like absolute crap by a group of children who are too weak to stand up to a bully that they've associated themselves with this stupid ringleader chick. This awful sheep. And this just brings it all back to school for me too. I wasn't bullied much because I was too strong and I was aggressive and I made friends with the big kids. But you know, in middle school and high school of course, which is where this crap belongs, but this type of injustice has always really irked me. Alright. What I want to point out here is this is a law student. These are adults who are acting like this. I can't believe this, but you know, this also mirrors my law school experience. That's like high school all over again, smaller classes of people, more neurotic weirdos because of the performance requirements in the high stress environment.

[00:25:19] It makes all these crazy quirks come out of people. But you know, here's something I want to point out, your nickname here is Girl Who Doesn't Curl Her Hair Anymore. Why? Why listen to or be pressured to do anything these girls are trying to influence you to do? Imagine how miserable those people are trying to maintain control over their little tiny little fiefdom, this group of friends and a group of enemies now in that way. These are people that have a lack of self esteem, a lack of control over other parts of their lives, so they're just controlling what they can, which is their tiny little group of miserable wretches. I actually feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them. Just imagine living like that every day knowing that everyone outside your group hates you and one false move gets you kicked out of the group and then you’re an enemy after that and you don't have anyone on the outside because you treat everyone like crap.

[00:26:12] You're a prisoner if you're in that group. You are lucky these people aren't your friends anymore. You are lucky you found out quickly because otherwise you'd be having to apologize to all the people you mistreated because you were hanging out with them. Getting the boot from this group was a blessing and a cheap lesson that thankfully didn't waste a lot of your time. You know these people were going to screw you over at some point. These are not real friends. This is not real relationships, so let's dispense with that garbage. What I would do if I were you is write to the woman who you chickened out on contacting, to be honest, it's so tempting to lie here and say like, “Oh, your mail got caught in spam or they're really busy with exams.” She's going to know that's BS. That's not a good first impression. I would say something like, “Hey Janice”, this is of course to the woman, the attorney that had traffic court, you know we're done with the mean girls now,

[00:26:59] I would write to her and say something like, “Hey, Janice, I know it's been a few weeks. I'm looking forward to meeting with you still. Are you available at any of these times?” Then suggest a wide range of times when you can meet, offer to come to her office to meet her, suggest multiple times so that you don't go back and forth, “Oh that doesn't work. This does work. That doesn't work.” Go to her office and meet her. Do not take her up on the offer to meet near you. Look, she's also busy. She'd likely won't care it's been a couple of weeks. If it's really been a long time, then when you meet, what you can say in person is that you're glad you met up and you felt a bit shy about asking her to take time out of her busy schedule. This way it doesn't look like he had better things to do.

[00:27:38]  In the meantime, you too lazy to get around to it. Everyone knows the feeling of what it's like to ask someone you don't know to meet. Everyone can empathize with that, but in the future do not let this happen again. You are doing all the right things here with your relationships, your networking, reaching out, asking for help. When people offer you connections, make them and help other people do the same because this hairdresser might be like, “What the hell? You never reached out. You're making me look bad. You know, I set this up for you.” If you start this good practice in law school now, you're going to have a massive network that helps you a lot in the future and last but not least, don't worry about your grades so much here. Yes, it's important to do as well as you can, but there are people from my law school who didn't do nearly as well as other people and most of us, we ended up in the same places.

[00:28:24]  Frankly, your network, your connections, those are going to take you a lot further than your grades and as time after school passes, grades become irrelevant while your network, your relationships and your reputation become everything. Best of luck out there.

[00:28:41] This episode is sponsored in part by Organifi. Do you find that you often skip breakfast? I do that and you know, some of it's intermittent fasting or at least I call it that. And other times I'm just like, “I don't feel like making food”. We all know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and yet so many of us miss this vital meal because of our crazy schedules or we sleep in and we're too lazy. Luckily, I've found a solution that I like Organifi complete protein. This is an organic plant-based protein powder that contains proteins, healthy fats and vitamins from whole foods.

[00:29:11] I don't mean the store that Amazon just bought. I mean like whole foods, whatever. I'm not going to explain that. If you don't know what that is, you probably don't even care. But what you should care about is that they're organic plant-based protein blend does not use rice protein as a filler, which I didn't know was a thing, but it taught, “Oh, that causes a ton of gut irritation”. Nobody wants their gut irritate. Trust me, you do not want your gut irritated. It's not just sort of uncomfortable depending on you know who you are. If you're having problems with protein, sometimes it's the rice protein as filler. They also use the whole food vitamins, the minerals. Most supplements use synthetic vitamins, which is totally disgusting. So there's better bioavailability. You absorb it, you don't pee it out. There's a lot of benefits to this stuff I won't bore you with, but take a look.

[00:29:53]  And the best thing about Organifi complete protein is that it actually tastes good, my opinion anyway. Try it for yourself. Use the code HARBINGER at organifi.com to get 20% off your order. And while you're there, definitely grab some of that green juice as well, we've talked about that before on the show. That's Organifi, O R G A N I F I.com, use the coupon code HARBINGER for 20% off. This episode is also sponsored in part by SmartMouth. This is one of our favorite little discoveries. This is a mouthwash that comes in a double chamber bottle, very fancy because it comes with, of course, the usual minty kind of tastes good, clean up your bad breath side, and the other side, which has this sort of activated oral rinse that gets rid of sulfur gas or really just ruins the bacteria’s ability in your mouth to create sulfur gas because that's what's causing the bad breath over time.

[00:30:47] That's kind of cool. There's a little bit of science behind this of course, but getting rid of that sulfur gas is what gets rid of the long-term bad breath. So if you want to solve a real problem, you know that stank mouth, you need real science, not just the minty cover-up that lasts a few minutes. Don't be that guy or gal with bad breath. Find SmartMouth, Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Target, Amazon, wherever you shop or visit them online, SmartMouth.com to get the scoop on how smart mouth is able to deliver the results that it does, namely getting rid of that bad breath for 12 hours. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:31:19] Hi Jordan and Jason, loved the show, especially Feedback Friday. Last week, you discussed your technique for talking with a cork in the mouth. This reminded me of a problem that I often have in interpersonal communication, which is talking with someone when my brain is tired, especially in a workplace setting. I'm currently a Ph.D fellow at a well-regarded university. I cram information in my head throughout the day, which can be mentally exhausting. I often find myself stumbling over my words when I'm trying to discuss research ideas or developments with colleagues and professors. Usually this is prominent in one on one meetings with research advisors. I think there's an element of insecurity or lack of confidence in my own work and ideas, but I also like to schedule meetings later in the day, which is when I tend to be less productive with other stuff. I also tend to think of things later after a meeting or encounter that I wish I would have said as the dreaded list. L'esprit de l'escalier, you know about that one, Jordan?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:10] Ah, no. What is the L'esprit de l'escalier?

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:32:13] It's a French term for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late, they call it, It's the spirit of the stairwell is what it is. Because you know when you leave a place and you get in the stairwell and you're like, “Oh, I wish I would've said that”.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:32:23] Of course the French have a term for this. Right? They always have those fears like terms of, “Oh I knew it's actually [inaudible][00:32:29].

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:32:30] Exactly. I'm wondering whether you have any advice or pointers on how to communicate effectively, intentionally and confidently, especially when I'm exhausted mentally. I imagine that there are specific actions one can take in preparation for upcoming scheduled meetings. In addition, what can a person do to avoid being caught off guard by a hallway conversation? Anyway, I hope this question slash dilemma is manageable enough to address on your show. Thanks. Afternoon Mush Brain.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:32:55] Yeah, I hear you man.  Look, this is all about nerves which are knocking you off balance. You're not able to think clearly. And some of this, some of this is being exhausted and tired. Sure. Some of this also is a lack of experience talking to people who maybe outrank you academically or socially in a way that you perceive them out. Right? And it's making me nervous. I get it. Try these two things. First thing, improv. You'll learn spontaneity. You'll learn free associating words and ideas. You'll learn performance. You'll learn to speak without overthinking it. That'll speed you up real quick. That is something I did early, early, early on when I was doing live satellite radio. It was, you just can't go, “Well, I, uh..” you need to just keep talking. I mean, you need to go, go, go. And that's why I'm good at that.

[00:33:40] It's practice, of course. The next thing is Toastmasters. This is a speech club. It's really cheap to join Toastmasters. Every college, every university, every freaking rotary club, there's a million of these in each city. It'll teach you to organize thoughts in your head. It'll teach you to prepare what you're going to say. It'll help you with your vocal tonality, your projection, confidence, speech. There are better ways and faster ways to get coaching, but I don't know if you have time to take a 20-day intensive Michael Port speaking class. So Toastmasters is a good place to start for some of the very, very basics here. And you don't have to do each of these everyday or anything, but I would invest the time once a week each at least and be consistent. I know you're busy with your research, you're doing a PhD after all, but building strong relationships and making an impression on the people that can help you in your future career and in your PhD.

[00:34:31] Now this is an investment that will pay back huge dividends. Also, it's going to give you a massive competitive advantage over those that do not build this skillset, which is pretty much all of your colleagues, right? Some people are going to go, “Well I'm good at this”, other people will say, “Well I'm not good at this”. Very few people are going to actually work on these skills at the level you're at now and look, you can also just tell yourself, “I don't have time. I don't really know. I can't do it. It's expensive. It's far away. I don't know how to whatever”, but you're not immune to the consequences. You're just being willfully ignorant of the secret game being played around you if you do not fix this because if you think that you're kind of bumbling and not communicating confidently, I guarantee you other people are perceiving you that way. Especially given what you wrote in the letter here. It doesn't mean people think, “Oh what a yutz!”, but if you're not feeling confident about your communication, you're almost certainly not being perceived as such. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:35:23] Hey Jordan and Jason. I would love some input on how to add more self-care to my self-imposed busy life. I own my own business that helps people have better relationships with their dogs. It's my passion.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:35:34] That's a real thing?

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:35:35] It's apparently a real thing. That being said, I tend to put other people, dogs in the business ahead of investing in myself. I see my clients get into this trap as well as other business owners who really enjoy what they do. I realize I need to be careful not to burn out. I do have other interests and hobbies I could carve out time for, but by the time I have a break, my energy is zapped. What are some ways I can really put myself first without feeling guilty about it? Thank you for rebuilding from the old podcast. Signed, Must Learn Balance.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:04]  Woo muscle unbalance. Look, I've had so many problems with this. I still struggle with this occasionally.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:36:10] You? Never!

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:36:11] Oh yeah, no, me? Of course not. Self-care. You got to treat it like a business meeting. I've got an app scheduled after this. I can't wait. And this is relatively new for me though, but I've realized that like you just cannot be at your best if you're not taking care of yourself. For me, I have to perform here, right? I can't just go, “Look. All right, it's Feedback Friday. I'm pretty tired, you know, I'm just going to fight through it.” That's not going to work. That's not going to work.  I'm super guilty of the same thing myself. Jason is too. We are. We all are. This is a high performer thing. This is an entrepreneur thing. It's crucial that you plan ahead for self-care. You can't just, “Oh, I'm going to try to do it in my spare time”, because you will, if you're anything like me, fill the time with work.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:36:55] Yes. Over and over and over again.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:36:57] Over and over. “Oh, well I only have 20 minutes, so instead of taking a little nap, I'm just going to catch up on my tweets.” “Oh, I've got an hour. But you know, I've got a reading to do. I'm just going to start that.” This is, Ugh, there's an abyss and never ending black hole of work. You can fill your time with. Especially if you own your business. You can, “Oh, I'm going to do social media for the next four hours instead of relaxing or going chilling with a friend.”

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:37:20]  There's always something else to do. Always.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:37:22]  The list is endless. You will never be caught up. Just accept that. A good way to take time for yourself is to do something with someone else. So you're working out with a trainer or you're going cycling with friends or you're hiking with a buddy. This way you're accountable. You're screwing them up. If you, “Oh, I've just got so much to do, I can't make it”. Right? Don't do that. And you'll be less likely to cancel. It's easy to, it's easy to cancel a gym session with yourself because nobody cares but you, and then you rationalize it. It's harder to say, “Crap, I paid 50 bucks and I didn't show up and this is the third time, or my friend went cycling without me and there are no aid now, or my friend didn't get to go hiking because I didn't show up.” That way you're going to be accountable or you're going to run out of friends, but you're probably going to be accountable.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:38:05]  And it's interesting. I did that. My accountability buddy are my dogs, which is funny because muscle and balance works with dogs. My accountability buddies have to go pee a couple of times a day, so my breaks are, you know what? I can add in another 15 or 20 minutes and go for a longer walk at the park, take care of myself, relax, have a bit of time and do that and meet people at the park. I don't know if muscle imbalance owns a dog, but for me, having a dog  was the best thing to break me out of that cycle where I have to get out. And they turned into my accountability buddies because they're looking at like, “Hey dude, time to go”.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:38:36]  Right, exactly. They're not. You can't really go, “Look, I know you have to pee, but I really want to drop up a couple more things here.” Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:38:43]  I got a tweet. You got to hold it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:44]  Exactly. So create large blocks of time to do this if you can. And if you can't, then don't use that as an excuse but do smaller things for yourself. So getting a massage, that can be a 30-minute thing and I mean start to finish, especially if they come to you, right? You're just doing your stuff. They show up, boom, you're ready to go, and then they leave when they're done and then you're right back to it. Watching something that you've been wanting to see that can be done in the morning when you get up early. I know it's weird to get up at five, 6:00 AM and then go, “All right, I've got to relax”.

[00:39:14]  Because usually when I relax at the end of the day, maybe you can shift your day around a little bit, but you can also Netflix early. You know, you can knock down some of those things. You can go to the gym early. It's weird to relax first thing in the morning, but it still feels damn good. Dare I say, dare I say Netflix in bed. I'm telling you, it's the new breakfast, so make sure you treat self-care like you'd treat car maintenance or a business meeting. It's not optional. It's not a last priority. This is mandatory or you're going to drive yourself nuts and then you're going to burn out and then it's all downhill from there. It's harder to recover from burnout than it is to prevent burnout in the first place. All right. Recommendation of the week. I watched this, Jason, do you ever check out this documentary? It's called LA92. It's about the riots in the nineties.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:39:59]  Oh man, this looks good.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:40:00] Yeah, it's good. I didn't know that the riots in the 90s in LA were the largest civil disturbance in American history. I did not know that.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:40:09] I didn't know that either. It doesn't surprise me knowing the scope and breadth of it, but I did not know that was the biggest, wow. I'm definitely going to check this.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:40:16]  There's tons of footage that I had never seen. LA looks like a war zone and it's insane how crazy it got. It is nuts. It was scary and it made me think that if I went through that I would move out of that city entirely or I'd just be armed to the teeth. And it's really sad. I mean there were people looting their own community. You're seeing people just lose their businesses. And there's footage of these old, there's this old African American guy and he's like, “Why are you stealing from me? I grew up here. This is my livelihood. Why are you burning my store?” And he's just crying in the street and he's yelling at this crowd of people and they're staring at him because they know he's right and they're just like put free TVs. You know, it's just really, it's insane.

[00:41:00]  And this old one thing that really stuck with me as well, there was this old Korean woman and she was stopping, there's this angry mob of just punk, ghetto idiots. And they're trying to go into her store and light it on fire, just for shits. You know, they're trying to light it on fire and she's standing there with her arms and legs outstretched and she goes, “This is America. You don't do this, this is America. You don't do this.” And their mouth and off to her. And this guy shoves her aside and goes in and she goes, “No fires, no fires.” And he steals like a drink or something and comes back out because you could tell, she was just laying into him and he just went, you know, all joy I was going to get from burning this place down. It's just been taken away.

[00:41:38]  You could see the shame on his face, but it really made me feel sad that this lady who had moved here from Korea is trying to protect her business and you see all these people in K-Town, you know, crying because their cleaner has been ransacked and they stole the clothes and it's just like, “What are you doing? What is going on?” So it was heartbreaking and super interesting at the same time and most of the footage was as yet unreleased. So I thought that was really kind of cool. Because of course I watched this when I was like 12. It happened in real time, but you don't see all of the video because half of it that they show in here was taken by security cameras or people who had video cameras that just happened to be around and the news footage that never made the news because it's them running away and it's shaking. It's just nuts. LA 92, it's on Netflix.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:42:24]  I'll check that out. I moved to LA in 1995 and there was just a giant psychic scar from these riots from everybody I met when I moved there and I didn't realize how bad it was until like I heard some of the stories and people were just terrified the entire time and a lot of them left. A lot of them did leave, so I really can't wait to see this. I didn't know this actually existed. This is very cool.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:42:45] Yeah, I think it’s relatively new. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this weekend. Don't forget, you can email us friday@JordanHarbinger.com, that's friday@JordanHarbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. We're happy to keep you anonymous of course, and a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at JordanHarbinger.com. Quick shout out to -- and I know I'm going to get this wrong because there's all kinds of weird characters in his name --

[00:43:11] it's like Premysl Ciompra. No, sorry. Premysl Ciompa. All right. He even said, “You're not going to get my name. Forget it.” He wrote me a nice letter about how the show helped him find his wife form a better relationship with his parents, his grandparents. He's doing great academically. Congratulations man. I'm glad to help. We are glad to help, but you should know, this is all you. This is your hard work. He said, “Oh, all the things you've done for me.” Look, this is all you, man. I'm glad I could be a cheerleader for you via the Jordan Harbinger Show. Me and Jason are always happy to do that and I also want to shout out Ethel over in the Philippines who offered us some help getting our social media stuff together during our reboot over here. This is what she does professionally and she was just kind of helping us out, making sure we get our stuff together.

[00:43:55]  Speaking of social media, I'm on Instagram and Twitter, @JordanHarbinger. I'm the one with the blue check marks. There's some other weirdos trying to like trick people, but I'm the one with a blue check marks. It's a great way to engage with the show, @JordanHarbinger and Jason, tell him where to find you.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:44:09]  I'm on Instagram @JPD and Twitter as @jpdef.  That’s J P D E F, and you can check out my other podcasts, Grumpy Old Geeks.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:45] Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. We've got a lot more like this in the pipe. We're really excited to bring it to you. And in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time.

[00:44:34]

Transcript for Feedback Friday | The College Guide to Surviving Mean Girls (Episode 23)

 

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our guests, but our primary focus is to pass along their wisdom and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the Jordan Harbinger Show is to have conversations directly with you. In fact, these are our most popular episodes. A lot of people don't believe that, if you're new to the show, you'll be like, “Nah”, but then it's going to grow on you. It's going to grow on you, and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. We're going to grow on you a little bit by answering your questions. You can reach us at Friday@jordanharbinger.com and we've always got some fun ones and some doozies, but a lot of people have been asking, “How do I listen to this show on Android?

[00:00:42] I used to have this other app, or blah, blah, blah.” I recommend CastBox. It is a great app. We're also on Spotify, but it's not really set up for podcasts because you can't subscribe to anything. You just have to keep checking the app all the time for new episodes, which is not really ideal, so we recommend CastBox. It is for both iPhone and Android platforms and there's also, of course, the PodcastOne app as well. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:01:05] Hello! Do you have any tips for someone with little to no self control? Whenever I tried to get things done, I find myself hours later not having done anything. Maybe there's a book on my desk I feel like reading or a notification pops up on my phone -- doesn't matter. It distracts me from any assignments I have and it's very hard to break away.

[00:01:24] As a rough estimate, I spend one and a half hours a day being unproductive. That needs to change. I'm worried that as I get older, school is only going to get tougher and I won't be able to cope. Are there any good tips you can recommend? Thanks for all you do. Sincerely, Wondering Mind.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:01:40] So this is classic procrastination. This is not really distraction. You're allowing this, right? This isn't like, “Oh God, there's so many things I have to do.” Notifications pop up on your phone? All right, put it in airplane mode. You are not missing anything. You need to eliminate these distractions so that you can start to attack the real problem, which is procrastination. So put the phone in airplane mode, put it in “Do not disturb”, you're not missing anything. If it's an emergency, the Do Not Disturb thing. Will get it handled.

[00:02:05] Delete social media from your phone and or turn off all notifications.  Everyone is susceptible to this. You can't just out willpower this thing ala Benjamin Hardy, we talked about this earlier this week. You can't have notifications. You can't have the environment set up to make you fail. Schedule blocks of time to get things done in your calendar. If it's in the calendar, it gets done. If it's not in the calendar, it does not get done because the problem is a lot of people go, “Oh great. All right, this is my study time. I'm generally going to study right now. Oh, beep, beep, bloop, bloop. Vibrate. Oh, I'm going to check this.” You don't want to do the studying. I get it. It's boring. You're not interested in it. You're in school so you can't have other things that are interesting in your environment. I also recommend you get up earlier to get more done.

[00:02:51] You can easily and totally guilt-free waste 90 minutes a day. If you get up 90 minutes earlier because then you're back to zero. No problem. You waste 90 minutes a day, get up an hour and a half before you need to. Here's the truth on the ground -- Your life will get more complex. It's not just school. Your life in general always will get more complex. You will have more responsibility. The stakes will be higher at school, at work, with your family. You have to get this under control. There are a lot more things you can do to eliminate distraction. But this type of procrastination, when it comes down to it, it's a fear of failure combined with a lack of systems. So this isn't your mind wandering. It's your environment setting you up to fail and in turn you have set up your environment. So I recommend highly listening to the Ben Hardy episode for more on this. That link is in the show notes that just came out this week, so you're going to want to get in on that and set up your environment to help you win and focus. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:03:48] Hi Jordan and Jason. I want to take my boyfriend's last name. Not marry him, just change my last name to his. My current last name is not at all a family name. I had an abusive slash threatening father at a young age and when my family left town, my siblings and I were put into a witness protection program. We then received new social security numbers and the family chose a new last name. I spent much time processing the trauma of my past and they've accepted and forgiven any harm that was my early history. But I have never been super close to my family, nuclear or extended and while I love them all, I don't feel connected to my last name. There's no identity in it for me. I've long thought about changing my last name to something I get to choose and it could be anything I want, but I would love for it to have some meaning to me.

[00:04:31] I've been dating my guy for over a year, met his family, and he always tells me how welcome I am in his family life. He has a unique last name which flows well with my first and middle name and I want to take it. I'm not super eager to get married as I was married and divorced in my very early twenties and no, it's not an adventure I need to take on again yet certainly would if we both agreed it was right for us. My man is also not in a rush to be married but is very committed and we keep the conversation open. We've talked about me taking his name and he blushes a little at the thought but doesn't seem to take me seriously. I know it would ultimately be his choice and I would even ask his family for permission if I can get to that step. I see the potential downside to this. If he and I don't stay together forever, the name could have some stigma with it, but if that's a risk I'm willing to take, what's the downside? Is it strange to let someone use your name who may or may not be forever in your life? Am I asking too much from him? Thank you for your feedback and thanks so much for all you do and share with the world. Love you guys. Signed, Identity Upgrade.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:05:28] Well this is unusual to say the least. You know I would say, yeah, I would say you should outline the pros and cons here. The pros, you get a new name, it's a little bit more meaningful to you. The cons. You don't stay together with this guy. Now you've got this other person's last name. It's not the same as your family’s. You've got to explain it forever. It's kind of like getting a tattoo of your significant other. When you're in your 20s and your husband's always like, “Why do you have Jared written on your butt?” You, it's kind of weird, you know, don't necessarily want to do something like that. I would, well, look, it doesn't matter what I would do, why not pick something that means something to you? You know? You can use any word or words. The sky's the limit here. And then when this guy commits to you, if, and I'm not saying he's not committed to you, when you guys commit to each other, you get married. If that happens, then you can change your name to his and you'll have a really cool maiden name. I don't really feel like you need to change your name to his. I understand the temptation. I understand your circumstances. I think it might also be a little bit like taking liberties. I mean, maybe he's laughing and blushing, but maybe he's not totally cool with it, you know? And it might cause a little rift or friction and you just don't need that.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:06:36] Yeah. I really feel like it could put undue pressure on the relationship and actually cause it to collapse, which is not the intended outcome. You know? If I was dating a girl who wanted to change her name to my last name, it would definitely kind of creep me out a little bit.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:06:47] Yeah. It's a little bit like the adult version of writing your first name and your crushes last name on a folder over and over and over and over and over again. Remember that in school, everybody did that in school, right?

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:02] Right. I did it on my Trapper Keeper, man.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:07:04] Yeah, exactly, me too. Of course. Do they still have those things? They must.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:08] On eBay in the, you know the vintage antique section.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:11] Right. It's like a Saved By The Bell Trapper Keeper with Zack Morris' face on it and Screech on the back.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:16] Oh, you're so young.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:07:11] Yes. How about A-Team? That would be a cool Trapper Keeper. I'd buy that.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:07:22]  That's my generation, A-Team -- I'm down or Magnum PI. I'm in.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:27] Yeah. Yeah. With. All right. We're just going down that rabbit hole. All right. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:11] Hi Jordan. Can't help but admire the rate that you go through books before you interview your guests. It sounds like you devour books in a whole day. Do you use any particular method that helps you with your accelerated reading slash learning, mind mapping, Cornell method, et cetera? The usual way I go and learn the content of a book is to read it once, then go through it again and decoding it chapter by chapter. Unfortunately, this takes an inordinate amount of time and more often than not, I find myself shoving it to the side is I end up getting distracted by a new and shiny topic of interest. Signed, Library Larry.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:08:02]  Nice, Library Larry. All right, so yes, I do devour a book in a day or two. I often burn out on a book after a few hours of learning, so I don't necessarily just blow through the whole thing in one go. I'm not, I don't have that kind of stamina, but I know a lot of people do. I don't go through chapter by chapter because what I found from reading so many books over the last several years is 95% of books, they are 300 pages long and they could be 50 pages long, but the publisher didn't want that. They wanted a 300 page book. So every book pretty much beats to death the good concepts that I would need to get from that. And then I'm usually going over it with the author in an interview. So if I blow through a book, I've heard those same concepts a handful of times, then I do an interview with the author.

[00:08:51]   I don't need to go through the book again, that's for damn sure. So what I do is I take audio books and I do those because I don't do well with paper. I get too distracted. It's too unfocused. My eyes get tired, I get headaches, whatever. I got to sit in an uncomfortable position. I don't like to do that. I do audio books. I block off time. I wake up early and get other things done and I go for a walk and I use headphones, AirPods whatever. I use Google docs for taking notes. I listen at 1.5 or 2X. I worked my way up there from one or 1.5 because I don't want to start off, you know, with my brain trying to race. I've got to catch it. I got to kind of warm up to it. And then I have that back 10 seconds button on speed press because I use it all of the time.

[00:09:34] I actually use it on my watch. So I walk around my neighborhood outside to occupy my mind and I avoid that shiny object syndrome for things in my office. So I'm not sitting down reading and then go, “Ah, let me look at this. Let me look at my phone. Let me look at this other thing.” I'm walking around my neighborhood, you know, most of my energy and some of my cognitive resources are taken up. My default mode network, if you will, is just, it's kind of like showering, right? Except you can't read audio books in the shower for very long, of course. I'm walking, I'm taking care of my brain doesn't have that monkey mind going for the most part. And then I don't have my phone notifications on. I use my watch to control the Audible app, so I'm not looking at my phone screen constantly.

[00:10:11] And then when I need some, I pause real quick and double tap on the AirPods is what I do. I break my phone out. I've got Google docs already open. I jot a note down and none and I get back to it. That lets me read a book in about three to four hours, which is actually quite slow. I mean Rob Felton who works with me here, I mean that guy, he can read a book in like two hours and he remembers the whole damn thing and gets all the concepts and all makes all these connections. I can do it about three to four hours, which is like I said, not that fast. Then again, I'm taking notes. You know, I was never a fast reader anyway, but that's what I do and I get them done fast.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:10:46] Now I don't recommend doing it the way that we do it because I do it exactly like you do. I always, but I'm always at 2X because I've been doing it longer than you have, but just taking notes and going through it super fast. I don't know if you're looking for a deep understanding, if that's exactly the way to do it because if you want to spend more time with it and bring it in when you're listening at 2X, you are getting it but not really spending time with it to let it kind of sink in. So if you have problems with short-term memory, it's going to come in and go out and unless you do take that note. So if you really want to get a deep understanding, I wouldn't do it the way that Jordan and I do it unless you need to like crunch for a test or something.

[00:11:22] But if you're reading a book to get long-term benefit out of it, I would think that they would want to sit with it just a little bit longer. Even though I know he says, “Oh, shiny”, and he goes off to the next thing, dedicate yourself to a book. Don't have another book on your desk or have one visible. That was one trick that I did when I had so many books. I kept buying books and had this library. Every time I would walk by, I'll get distracted. I'm like, “Oh, I want to try that book”, and I'd start that. Then it'd be reading seven books, but one day I'm like, “Oh, screw this”. I put them all in a box, put them in the closet and had one book out and that was my book until I was done. Then I would take the next

[00:11:54] book out, put the other one away and never be able to look at all the other books. That really helped me to focus on not getting distracted by the next shiny object that I bought like six months ago that I really want to dig into.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:05] Yeah, I don't read multiple books at the same time. I find that to be massively distracting. It's a huge pain. It somehow is slower than even what it would take to read me one book and then the other. It's like takes me three times as long somehow because of switching costs and being, “Oh, maybe the other one's more interesting”, you know, that doesn't work for me, so I agree. This is not something you do with a textbook. This is not something you do when you're trying to get a handle on a certain type of topic. That's a deep understanding.

[00:12:33] What I also do, and I'll explain this another time as well, I'm big on reading multiple books on the same topic and if there's 60% overlap, fine. I'm hearing concepts more than once from different authors that works for me just fine. But yeah, this isn't how to study for a college exam. This is how to get an overview of a topic so you can have an educated discussion with the author. That's kind of what we're doing here. We're not getting a deep dive into a topic, that for me would require multiple books. This episode is sponsored in part by Rhone. The one thing you should never have to question is your gear, especially if you're out running. You're doing a lot of sports. Getting sweat on. Rhone created this salient running short sleeve shirt. This is made with a seamless construction, strategic venting and all that jazz, but mainly it's made with salient.

[00:13:20] The first FDA determined fabric, which I didn't even know the FDA determined fabrics or analyzed fabrics, but this fabric has been determined to promote blood flow, increase energy, endurance, performance. The shirt goes the extra mile and there's silver threads in it. They use silver tech thread. So silver somehow, not sure how -- I got to Google this later -- naturally fights man stink. So they weave it into the shirt and I guess bacteria just can't, doesn't do well with silver around, it's like a vampire thing. I'm not sure. Not sure what's going on there. Don't forget about the Rhone commuter pants as well. Producer Jason swears by these things. You bought a bunch of extra pairs, Jason. Hope you used our code, JORDAN.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:13:59]  Of course I did. Yeah, no doubt about that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:01] Naturally. So go to rhone.com, that's R H O N E.com. Our listeners receive an exclusive offer of 15% off their first purchase with the use of the Jordan promo code at checkout.

[00:14:12] That's J O R D A N and this offer is only available to my listeners. So remember, rhone.com promo code Jordan at checkout for 15% off. This episode is also sponsored by HostGator. Love him or hate him, Edward Snowden. He let us all know that social networks are eyeballs deep in government surveillance. So why would you want to make that your homepage? Why are you trying to become part of the NSA Dragnet? Why not build your own NSA-free website where you control the data? Because of course the NSA can't get into your HostGator website. No one can. But in all seriousness, we do recommend HostGator's website builder because you can control what's out there. You can easily create a professional looking and feature-packed website. The best part is, there's no coding. You don't have to fix little characters. You can drag and drop, you can move and slide.

[00:15:00]  You can choose from over a hundred mobile friendly templates. Your site's going to look good on any device -- a smart phone, a tablet, a desktop. More importantly, other people's smart phone, tablet and desktop and they give you a ton of add-ons with HostGator, SEO, PayPal integration, shopping cart type stuff, people can buy stuff from your site. You don't have to be an SEO expert to get that rolling and you're going to get 99.9% uptime. The support team is there to help with any issues you experience 24/7 365 and they're giving you guys and gals up to 62% off their packages for new users, so go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/Jordan. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:41] Dear Jordan and Jason, I've just gone back to university and enrolled in some postgraduate studies. One of the papers I'm learning about is knowledge management, which is new and quite an abstract concept as I come from a science background.

[00:15:52]  I'm finding it really hard to learn about a topic where everything is new and I feel very out of my depth. I feel like I'm questioning myself a lot and finding it hard to understand what I read. I really admire your podcast for being able to read, digest, complex content, then be able to have an in-depth conversation on the topic. Do you have any tips about learning about a subject or topic that I don't have a lot of experience in? Thanks in advance. Determined But Confused.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:16] Wow, that's pretty good timing on this because it's like where we left off with the other question. Okay, perfect. So whenever we get into a new field, we, the Royal we -- not the Royal we, the collective we, sorry. The opposite of the Royal we, everyone, things always seem over our head, right? That's why I'm a big fan of immersion.

[00:16:34] That's what I literally where I left off in the last answer here. Immersion, really doing deep dives into topics where I can get a background on everything. And my question to you would be, can you find other people there who can tutor or explain things to you? This is how I got through law school. I'd go to class, I'd find myself zoning out, being like, damn it, look at notes, get other people's notes, not totally understand everything. And then what I found was that there were some really sharp guys who had given me their notes and I would go through the notes with them and ask them questions and they would teach things to me. And you're thinking, “Wow, that was lucky”. And I agree. But the thing is, they said this is so useful. When can we meet again? And so my study group was other people teaching me concepts because it was very helpful to them.

[00:17:17]  So this is great, right? I basically had a bunch of free tutors that were in class with me all the time. So if you can work that out, highly recommended. If you can't, get background papers on these ideas, read those, right questions for professors and go to office hours every day until you feel up to speed. Ask tons and tons of questions. If you don't understand what you're reading, write in the margin “What is this? I don't understand it.” Go to office hours. Just monopolize their time. That's why they're there for you. Honestly, nobody goes to office. I went to a really good law school. Those office hours were freaking empty. Nobody went. Professors were probably glad nobody went, but nobody went. Take advantage of that stuff. Now, when I was learning about block chain, for example, I asked tons of friends questions until they'd say something like, “Well, if you really want to know how this works, you need to read this white paper or that book on the subject.

[00:18:09] You need to watch this set of talks by these two guys and you can even do that for a weekend. I actually call these immersion weekends and this is going to be something I'm going to assign it to you all later on. I'm going to do some stuff on my website to keep you guys immersed in this stuff and you'll find that you will take huge leaps in your knowledge if you do these immersion things. Now, don't do this every weekend. You do need rest maybe once or twice a month max. You can also do immersion days and do them more often. You know, like Saturday I'm doing piano from nine to five, done. I'm going to learn piano. I'm going to practice piano, want to burnout on piano. The other elephant in the room here in this question is the imposter syndrome, which is, I think it's really, this is what's going on here.

[00:18:48]  This is a trait of high performers, which it means it's a good sign because it shows that you're aware of what you don't know and that you're having this nagging drive to educate yourself and get up to speed so that you can compete with the rest of your classmates. Now, that's great. This usually indicates that you're going to be totally fine. You're going to gain confidence over time. Imposter syndrome is weird because it seems like it's your intuition or something telling you, “Oh, I'm not cut out for this. I can't understand this. I'm mean over my head”, and you're going to fail. But what impostor syndrome really is almost always saying is that you're currently operating at a lower level than your mind knows you can, and that is causing some sort of discomfort, which will eventually go away as the gap between your perceived level of performance and your actual potential closes.

[00:19:38]  So I'll repeat that. Your brain has this little like dissonance, right? There's this gap between, “I know I can do better, but I'm not at that level yet.” As that gap closes, you'll gain confidence and feel better. So in other words, as you feel these uncomfortable feelings, they spur you to work hard and get better and that eventually you are doing better and then that feeling of imposter syndrome fades. So this is all a good thing. You're just worried because you're in a new subject and you're not performing as well as you did in your old course of study. So you think, “Uh-oh, I can't do this.” Instead of thinking, “This is new for me and this is normal”, and that's what I'm thinking is happening right now with you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:16] Nailed it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:17] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:20:19] Jordan, My first semester of law school got off to a really rough start. In undergrad, I really struggled with making and maintaining friends and dealt with a lot of social anxiety. I took a year off and spent that time as a server, which really challenged me to find ways to grow my social skills. My brother introduced me to your work and when I began applying what I learned, I ended up getting promoted and had made a ton of friends before I moved off for school. I was optimistic things would be different and better this time around. Unfortunately, I was unprepared for how the of school would impact my attempted relationships with my peers. I was made an outcast within the first two weeks by a group of what turned out to be the highest ranked girls in our class. I remember calling my dad after meeting these girls excited and thinking we had a lot in common and that we would be great friends. Things quickly changed though. One girl made herself a sort of ringleader and began doing little things that rubbed me the wrong way. For example, we had a group chat with the friends we met during orientation. Then one day she made a new chat dropping another girl who I thought was really nice out of it.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:21:17] Oh, this is like a text message chat group or something like a chat on the phone. Okay.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:21:22] Yeah. I asked her why she got uncomfortable and her excuse was, “Well, she has a boyfriend and can't do a lot, so I don't want to bug her with a bunch of messages.” And I replied with, “I think even if she can't do everything, she might still want to feel included.” The very next day I stopped getting messages in the group text. A couple of days later I saw them in the library in a pretty big table so I came up, said hey, and sat my stuff down. I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back they all had moved to a different table across the library.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:21:52] Oh, give me a break. This is ridiculous. This is law school.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:55] I thought yeah, I was going to say, I thought she was at law school, not kindergarten.

[00:21:59] Currently not. I decided to try again the next day and I invited them to go try this taco place I heard about, but they all had variations of the same excuse of being too busy. After they'd all gone, another guy and his girlfriend ended up volunteering to go with me and when we got there they were all at a table already. I couldn't even eat.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:22:17] What is happening? This is like a Lindsey Lohan movie. This is ridiculous.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:22:22]  It reminds me of Heathers. She made friends with a bunch of Heathers. Oh man. So not long after I ran into one of the girls at a bar and she was pretty drunk. She confirmed the girl's actions to exclude me were intentional and she said she felt pretty bad about it. She told me when they renamed the group message after they made a new one without me, they named it -- Girls who don't curl their hair -- in reference to me and a few other girls who tried to look polished during our first couple of weeks. She went back to being a loyal lackey and ignoring me after that night. Luckily, I was able to join the soccer team at the school and met some high value people, but my confidence has been a bit shaken. I know it sounds like high school or middle school.

[00:23:00] I'm not proud. I let it bother me so much, but I couldn't help but feel pretty rejected and hurt. Once we got our rankings after the fall semester ended, they made sure everyone knew they were in the top of the class. I however, was not, not even close and that hit me pretty hard. I started off the semester panicking, feeling like I wouldn't be able to find work for the summer because of my grades on top of struggling with my finances. One day though, I ran into a lady who had done my hair previously and we began talking and catching up. I expressed my concern about work and she suggested that I make contacts and network. Yes, she does hair for a lot of people in the town, including some attorneys, judges and representatives. She put me in contact with an attorney. She knows very well who is an alumna at my law school and who wanted to make plans to meet me for lunch.

[00:23:43] Unfortunately though, the plans fell through because she forgot she had traffic court. She asked me to send her times when I could meet again, but I never got around to it. I really want to meet this woman in person just to have that connection and maybe get some insight on school, but I have let several weeks pass without ever sending her my schedule. The thought of doing it now gives me a bit of anxiety. Now, is there a more effective way of dealing with these girls at school than just ignoring the pettiness, making other friends and being nice whenever I'm forced to be in contact? And is there any way I can reconcile not having responded to this woman for weeks or is it too late to try? I'd love to hear your take on either or both of these situations. Sincerely, Girl Who Doesn't Curl Her Hair Anymore

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:24:25] Oh well I feel that. Okay, this makes me angry to hear stuff like this.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:24:29] You and me both brother, you and me both.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:24:31] So I'm looking at this message from an intelligent, friendly, successful future attorney who is being treated like absolute crap by a group of children who are too weak to stand up to a bully that they've associated themselves with this stupid ringleader chick. This awful sheep. And this just brings it all back to school for me too. I wasn't bullied much because I was too strong and I was aggressive and I made friends with the big kids. But you know, in middle school and high school of course, which is where this crap belongs, but this type of injustice has always really irked me. Alright. What I want to point out here is this is a law student. These are adults who are acting like this. I can't believe this, but you know, this also mirrors my law school experience. That's like high school all over again, smaller classes of people, more neurotic weirdos because of the performance requirements in the high stress environment.

[00:25:19] It makes all these crazy quirks come out of people. But you know, here's something I want to point out, your nickname here is Girl Who Doesn't Curl Her Hair Anymore. Why? Why listen to or be pressured to do anything these girls are trying to influence you to do? Imagine how miserable those people are trying to maintain control over their little tiny little fiefdom, this group of friends and a group of enemies now in that way. These are people that have a lack of self esteem, a lack of control over other parts of their lives, so they're just controlling what they can, which is their tiny little group of miserable wretches. I actually feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them. Just imagine living like that every day knowing that everyone outside your group hates you and one false move gets you kicked out of the group and then you’re an enemy after that and you don't have anyone on the outside because you treat everyone like crap.

[00:26:12] You're a prisoner if you're in that group. You are lucky these people aren't your friends anymore. You are lucky you found out quickly because otherwise you'd be having to apologize to all the people you mistreated because you were hanging out with them. Getting the boot from this group was a blessing and a cheap lesson that thankfully didn't waste a lot of your time. You know these people were going to screw you over at some point. These are not real friends. This is not real relationships, so let's dispense with that garbage. What I would do if I were you is write to the woman who you chickened out on contacting, to be honest, it's so tempting to lie here and say like, “Oh, your mail got caught in spam or they're really busy with exams.” She's going to know that's BS. That's not a good first impression. I would say something like, “Hey Janice”, this is of course to the woman, the attorney that had traffic court, you know we're done with the mean girls now,

[00:26:59] I would write to her and say something like, “Hey, Janice, I know it's been a few weeks. I'm looking forward to meeting with you still. Are you available at any of these times?” Then suggest a wide range of times when you can meet, offer to come to her office to meet her, suggest multiple times so that you don't go back and forth, “Oh that doesn't work. This does work. That doesn't work.” Go to her office and meet her. Do not take her up on the offer to meet near you. Look, she's also busy. She'd likely won't care it's been a couple of weeks. If it's really been a long time, then when you meet, what you can say in person is that you're glad you met up and you felt a bit shy about asking her to take time out of her busy schedule. This way it doesn't look like he had better things to do.

[00:27:38]  In the meantime, you too lazy to get around to it. Everyone knows the feeling of what it's like to ask someone you don't know to meet. Everyone can empathize with that, but in the future do not let this happen again. You are doing all the right things here with your relationships, your networking, reaching out, asking for help. When people offer you connections, make them and help other people do the same because this hairdresser might be like, “What the hell? You never reached out. You're making me look bad. You know, I set this up for you.” If you start this good practice in law school now, you're going to have a massive network that helps you a lot in the future and last but not least, don't worry about your grades so much here. Yes, it's important to do as well as you can, but there are people from my law school who didn't do nearly as well as other people and most of us, we ended up in the same places.

[00:28:24]  Frankly, your network, your connections, those are going to take you a lot further than your grades and as time after school passes, grades become irrelevant while your network, your relationships and your reputation become everything. Best of luck out there.

[00:28:41] This episode is sponsored in part by Organifi. Do you find that you often skip breakfast? I do that and you know, some of it's intermittent fasting or at least I call it that. And other times I'm just like, “I don't feel like making food”. We all know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and yet so many of us miss this vital meal because of our crazy schedules or we sleep in and we're too lazy. Luckily, I've found a solution that I like Organifi complete protein. This is an organic plant-based protein powder that contains proteins, healthy fats and vitamins from whole foods.

[00:29:11] I don't mean the store that Amazon just bought. I mean like whole foods, whatever. I'm not going to explain that. If you don't know what that is, you probably don't even care. But what you should care about is that they're organic plant-based protein blend does not use rice protein as a filler, which I didn't know was a thing, but it taught, “Oh, that causes a ton of gut irritation”. Nobody wants their gut irritate. Trust me, you do not want your gut irritated. It's not just sort of uncomfortable depending on you know who you are. If you're having problems with protein, sometimes it's the rice protein as filler. They also use the whole food vitamins, the minerals. Most supplements use synthetic vitamins, which is totally disgusting. So there's better bioavailability. You absorb it, you don't pee it out. There's a lot of benefits to this stuff I won't bore you with, but take a look.

[00:29:53]  And the best thing about Organifi complete protein is that it actually tastes good, my opinion anyway. Try it for yourself. Use the code HARBINGER at organifi.com to get 20% off your order. And while you're there, definitely grab some of that green juice as well, we've talked about that before on the show. That's Organifi, O R G A N I F I.com, use the coupon code HARBINGER for 20% off. This episode is also sponsored in part by SmartMouth. This is one of our favorite little discoveries. This is a mouthwash that comes in a double chamber bottle, very fancy because it comes with, of course, the usual minty kind of tastes good, clean up your bad breath side, and the other side, which has this sort of activated oral rinse that gets rid of sulfur gas or really just ruins the bacteria’s ability in your mouth to create sulfur gas because that's what's causing the bad breath over time.

[00:30:47] That's kind of cool. There's a little bit of science behind this of course, but getting rid of that sulfur gas is what gets rid of the long-term bad breath. So if you want to solve a real problem, you know that stank mouth, you need real science, not just the minty cover-up that lasts a few minutes. Don't be that guy or gal with bad breath. Find SmartMouth, Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Target, Amazon, wherever you shop or visit them online, SmartMouth.com to get the scoop on how smart mouth is able to deliver the results that it does, namely getting rid of that bad breath for 12 hours. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:31:19] Hi Jordan and Jason, loved the show, especially Feedback Friday. Last week, you discussed your technique for talking with a cork in the mouth. This reminded me of a problem that I often have in interpersonal communication, which is talking with someone when my brain is tired, especially in a workplace setting. I'm currently a Ph.D fellow at a well-regarded university. I cram information in my head throughout the day, which can be mentally exhausting. I often find myself stumbling over my words when I'm trying to discuss research ideas or developments with colleagues and professors. Usually this is prominent in one on one meetings with research advisors. I think there's an element of insecurity or lack of confidence in my own work and ideas, but I also like to schedule meetings later in the day, which is when I tend to be less productive with other stuff. I also tend to think of things later after a meeting or encounter that I wish I would have said as the dreaded list. L'esprit de l'escalier, you know about that one, Jordan?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:10] Ah, no. What is the L'esprit de l'escalier?

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:32:13] It's a French term for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late, they call it, It's the spirit of the stairwell is what it is. Because you know when you leave a place and you get in the stairwell and you're like, “Oh, I wish I would've said that”.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:32:23] Of course the French have a term for this. Right? They always have those fears like terms of, “Oh I knew it's actually [inaudible][00:32:29].

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:32:30] Exactly. I'm wondering whether you have any advice or pointers on how to communicate effectively, intentionally and confidently, especially when I'm exhausted mentally. I imagine that there are specific actions one can take in preparation for upcoming scheduled meetings. In addition, what can a person do to avoid being caught off guard by a hallway conversation? Anyway, I hope this question slash dilemma is manageable enough to address on your show. Thanks. Afternoon Mush Brain.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:32:55] Yeah, I hear you man.  Look, this is all about nerves which are knocking you off balance. You're not able to think clearly. And some of this, some of this is being exhausted and tired. Sure. Some of this also is a lack of experience talking to people who maybe outrank you academically or socially in a way that you perceive them out. Right? And it's making me nervous. I get it. Try these two things. First thing, improv. You'll learn spontaneity. You'll learn free associating words and ideas. You'll learn performance. You'll learn to speak without overthinking it. That'll speed you up real quick. That is something I did early, early, early on when I was doing live satellite radio. It was, you just can't go, “Well, I, uh..” you need to just keep talking. I mean, you need to go, go, go. And that's why I'm good at that.

[00:33:40] It's practice, of course. The next thing is Toastmasters. This is a speech club. It's really cheap to join Toastmasters. Every college, every university, every freaking rotary club, there's a million of these in each city. It'll teach you to organize thoughts in your head. It'll teach you to prepare what you're going to say. It'll help you with your vocal tonality, your projection, confidence, speech. There are better ways and faster ways to get coaching, but I don't know if you have time to take a 20-day intensive Michael Port speaking class. So Toastmasters is a good place to start for some of the very, very basics here. And you don't have to do each of these everyday or anything, but I would invest the time once a week each at least and be consistent. I know you're busy with your research, you're doing a PhD after all, but building strong relationships and making an impression on the people that can help you in your future career and in your PhD.

[00:34:31] Now this is an investment that will pay back huge dividends. Also, it's going to give you a massive competitive advantage over those that do not build this skillset, which is pretty much all of your colleagues, right? Some people are going to go, “Well I'm good at this”, other people will say, “Well I'm not good at this”. Very few people are going to actually work on these skills at the level you're at now and look, you can also just tell yourself, “I don't have time. I don't really know. I can't do it. It's expensive. It's far away. I don't know how to whatever”, but you're not immune to the consequences. You're just being willfully ignorant of the secret game being played around you if you do not fix this because if you think that you're kind of bumbling and not communicating confidently, I guarantee you other people are perceiving you that way. Especially given what you wrote in the letter here. It doesn't mean people think, “Oh what a yutz!”, but if you're not feeling confident about your communication, you're almost certainly not being perceived as such. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:35:23] Hey Jordan and Jason. I would love some input on how to add more self-care to my self-imposed busy life. I own my own business that helps people have better relationships with their dogs. It's my passion.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:35:34] That's a real thing?

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:35:35] It's apparently a real thing. That being said, I tend to put other people, dogs in the business ahead of investing in myself. I see my clients get into this trap as well as other business owners who really enjoy what they do. I realize I need to be careful not to burn out. I do have other interests and hobbies I could carve out time for, but by the time I have a break, my energy is zapped. What are some ways I can really put myself first without feeling guilty about it? Thank you for rebuilding from the old podcast. Signed, Must Learn Balance.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:04]  Woo muscle unbalance. Look, I've had so many problems with this. I still struggle with this occasionally.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:36:10] You? Never!

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:36:11] Oh yeah, no, me? Of course not. Self-care. You got to treat it like a business meeting. I've got an app scheduled after this. I can't wait. And this is relatively new for me though, but I've realized that like you just cannot be at your best if you're not taking care of yourself. For me, I have to perform here, right? I can't just go, “Look. All right, it's Feedback Friday. I'm pretty tired, you know, I'm just going to fight through it.” That's not going to work. That's not going to work.  I'm super guilty of the same thing myself. Jason is too. We are. We all are. This is a high performer thing. This is an entrepreneur thing. It's crucial that you plan ahead for self-care. You can't just, “Oh, I'm going to try to do it in my spare time”, because you will, if you're anything like me, fill the time with work.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:36:55] Yes. Over and over and over again.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:36:57] Over and over. “Oh, well I only have 20 minutes, so instead of taking a little nap, I'm just going to catch up on my tweets.” “Oh, I've got an hour. But you know, I've got a reading to do. I'm just going to start that.” This is, Ugh, there's an abyss and never ending black hole of work. You can fill your time with. Especially if you own your business. You can, “Oh, I'm going to do social media for the next four hours instead of relaxing or going chilling with a friend.”

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:37:20]  There's always something else to do. Always.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:37:22]  The list is endless. You will never be caught up. Just accept that. A good way to take time for yourself is to do something with someone else. So you're working out with a trainer or you're going cycling with friends or you're hiking with a buddy. This way you're accountable. You're screwing them up. If you, “Oh, I've just got so much to do, I can't make it”. Right? Don't do that. And you'll be less likely to cancel. It's easy to, it's easy to cancel a gym session with yourself because nobody cares but you, and then you rationalize it. It's harder to say, “Crap, I paid 50 bucks and I didn't show up and this is the third time, or my friend went cycling without me and there are no aid now, or my friend didn't get to go hiking because I didn't show up.” That way you're going to be accountable or you're going to run out of friends, but you're probably going to be accountable.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:38:05]  And it's interesting. I did that. My accountability buddy are my dogs, which is funny because muscle and balance works with dogs. My accountability buddies have to go pee a couple of times a day, so my breaks are, you know what? I can add in another 15 or 20 minutes and go for a longer walk at the park, take care of myself, relax, have a bit of time and do that and meet people at the park. I don't know if muscle imbalance owns a dog, but for me, having a dog  was the best thing to break me out of that cycle where I have to get out. And they turned into my accountability buddies because they're looking at like, “Hey dude, time to go”.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:38:36]  Right, exactly. They're not. You can't really go, “Look, I know you have to pee, but I really want to drop up a couple more things here.” Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:38:43]  I got a tweet. You got to hold it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:44]  Exactly. So create large blocks of time to do this if you can. And if you can't, then don't use that as an excuse but do smaller things for yourself. So getting a massage, that can be a 30-minute thing and I mean start to finish, especially if they come to you, right? You're just doing your stuff. They show up, boom, you're ready to go, and then they leave when they're done and then you're right back to it. Watching something that you've been wanting to see that can be done in the morning when you get up early. I know it's weird to get up at five, 6:00 AM and then go, “All right, I've got to relax”.

[00:39:14]  Because usually when I relax at the end of the day, maybe you can shift your day around a little bit, but you can also Netflix early. You know, you can knock down some of those things. You can go to the gym early. It's weird to relax first thing in the morning, but it still feels damn good. Dare I say, dare I say Netflix in bed. I'm telling you, it's the new breakfast, so make sure you treat self-care like you'd treat car maintenance or a business meeting. It's not optional. It's not a last priority. This is mandatory or you're going to drive yourself nuts and then you're going to burn out and then it's all downhill from there. It's harder to recover from burnout than it is to prevent burnout in the first place. All right. Recommendation of the week. I watched this, Jason, do you ever check out this documentary? It's called LA92. It's about the riots in the nineties.

Jason DeFillippo:   [00:39:59]  Oh man, this looks good.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:40:00] Yeah, it's good. I didn't know that the riots in the 90s in LA were the largest civil disturbance in American history. I did not know that.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:40:09] I didn't know that either. It doesn't surprise me knowing the scope and breadth of it, but I did not know that was the biggest, wow. I'm definitely going to check this.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:40:16]  There's tons of footage that I had never seen. LA looks like a war zone and it's insane how crazy it got. It is nuts. It was scary and it made me think that if I went through that I would move out of that city entirely or I'd just be armed to the teeth. And it's really sad. I mean there were people looting their own community. You're seeing people just lose their businesses. And there's footage of these old, there's this old African American guy and he's like, “Why are you stealing from me? I grew up here. This is my livelihood. Why are you burning my store?” And he's just crying in the street and he's yelling at this crowd of people and they're staring at him because they know he's right and they're just like put free TVs. You know, it's just really, it's insane.

[00:41:00]  And this old one thing that really stuck with me as well, there was this old Korean woman and she was stopping, there's this angry mob of just punk, ghetto idiots. And they're trying to go into her store and light it on fire, just for shits. You know, they're trying to light it on fire and she's standing there with her arms and legs outstretched and she goes, “This is America. You don't do this, this is America. You don't do this.” And their mouth and off to her. And this guy shoves her aside and goes in and she goes, “No fires, no fires.” And he steals like a drink or something and comes back out because you could tell, she was just laying into him and he just went, you know, all joy I was going to get from burning this place down. It's just been taken away.

[00:41:38]  You could see the shame on his face, but it really made me feel sad that this lady who had moved here from Korea is trying to protect her business and you see all these people in K-Town, you know, crying because their cleaner has been ransacked and they stole the clothes and it's just like, “What are you doing? What is going on?” So it was heartbreaking and super interesting at the same time and most of the footage was as yet unreleased. So I thought that was really kind of cool. Because of course I watched this when I was like 12. It happened in real time, but you don't see all of the video because half of it that they show in here was taken by security cameras or people who had video cameras that just happened to be around and the news footage that never made the news because it's them running away and it's shaking. It's just nuts. LA 92, it's on Netflix.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:42:24]  I'll check that out. I moved to LA in 1995 and there was just a giant psychic scar from these riots from everybody I met when I moved there and I didn't realize how bad it was until like I heard some of the stories and people were just terrified the entire time and a lot of them left. A lot of them did leave, so I really can't wait to see this. I didn't know this actually existed. This is very cool.

Jordan Harbinger:  [00:42:45] Yeah, I think it’s relatively new. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this weekend. Don't forget, you can email us friday@JordanHarbinger.com, that's friday@JordanHarbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. We're happy to keep you anonymous of course, and a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at JordanHarbinger.com. Quick shout out to -- and I know I'm going to get this wrong because there's all kinds of weird characters in his name --

[00:43:11] it's like Premysl Ciompra. No, sorry. Premysl Ciompa. All right. He even said, “You're not going to get my name. Forget it.” He wrote me a nice letter about how the show helped him find his wife form a better relationship with his parents, his grandparents. He's doing great academically. Congratulations man. I'm glad to help. We are glad to help, but you should know, this is all you. This is your hard work. He said, “Oh, all the things you've done for me.” Look, this is all you, man. I'm glad I could be a cheerleader for you via the Jordan Harbinger Show. Me and Jason are always happy to do that and I also want to shout out Ethel over in the Philippines who offered us some help getting our social media stuff together during our reboot over here. This is what she does professionally and she was just kind of helping us out, making sure we get our stuff together.

[00:43:55]  Speaking of social media, I'm on Instagram and Twitter, @JordanHarbinger. I'm the one with the blue check marks. There's some other weirdos trying to like trick people, but I'm the one with a blue check marks. It's a great way to engage with the show, @JordanHarbinger and Jason, tell him where to find you.

Jason DeFillippo:  [00:44:09]  I'm on Instagram @JPD and Twitter as @jpdef.  That’s J P D E F, and you can check out my other podcasts, Grumpy Old Geeks.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:45] Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. We've got a lot more like this in the pipe. We're really excited to bring it to you. And in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time.