116: How to Avoid Dining on a Side of Self-Delusion | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Avoid Dining on a Side of Self-Delusion | Feedback Friday (Episode 116)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests and this week, we had former ambassador to Russia, Michael McFaul talking about cross cultural communication, and of course, I also asked him about the Russia crisis and how spies and diplomats keep things secret when they're overseas, and we had Michael Scott Moore who was kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for two and a half plus years. This is an amazing and harrowing story there as well.

[00:00:32] Two Michaels and two very different types of shows. Check those out if you missed them this week, and of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guests insights to you, our experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Try to keep them concise when you send in your questions. That really helps increase the chance that your question will get answered on the air. And I just got back from Australia, Jason. I know that you and I kept in touch while we were there. Great time. went to We Are Podcast, which is a podcasting conference down under, and we had a speaker retreat afterwards with some top podcast people. Really loved hanging out with all of those folks as well. And I traveled too much this year. I overbooked myself this year.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:19] Really you say?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:20] Yeah. And that was kind of a, kind of a little bit of an issue. So I think I might have to tone it down a little next year, but I feel like I always say that, it's worth it to learn a lot, get some traction, figuring out where the show's going in 2019 to go down to Australia. But yeah, I want to do more video this coming year, so I have to say no to some things, but I feel like it just means saying yes to a lot more different things as well.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:43] Well, I'm glad you're back. That's all that matters to me.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:45] Yes.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:46] It's been a while since we've been back in the saddle, so this is going to be fun.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:49] It should be fun if it weren't like 4 a.m, or an Australia right now or whatever time it is in my brain, 5:30 a.m, in Australia right now. That explains why I feel a little a little out of it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:01] You are a man of many times zone.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:03] Yes, that is true and that on that note, let's dive into the mailbag before I fall asleep in my coffee here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:09] Hey guys, so my predicament is I love my girlfriend. We've been together for about three and a half years. We've discussed our future, family, where to live, et cetera and are on the same path. However, she wants to be married before starting to try for children is where I'm not as bothered. I've previously been married and after being together for six years, our marriage broke down in eight months, so I'm not fussed about it. We've both discussed it openly and although she says she accepts my view and I accept hers, how do we work through this before it becomes an issue? Thanks for your insight, No More Marriage.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:41] So this is already an issue. I think it's just that since you're on the side of inaction, you're not really seeing it yet. That's what I think about this right here. So if she's already saying, “Well, I understand your perspective, but here's how I feel.” There's an issue there already. It's just that it hasn't exploded in your face. And I don't think we need a review of why it's important for some people to be married before trying for kids. This is something as old as civilization itself, despite us thinking that we are past this, a lot of us are not, especially here in the United States, so I get that perspective.

[00:03:14] She's probably also got pressure from family and friends to get married for security as well, let alone for co-parenting. And truth, she's probably more bothered by this than you think. Yes, she understands your view, but that doesn't mean she wants to have kids and then raise them without you signing on the dotted line. And she's probably wondering why you're so hesitant to commit, even though in your mind you can commit without marriage. This is the red flag that she's hoping isn't really there. And I understand your concern as well, it doesn't mean she doesn't understand your concern. You're afraid that you'll ruin another great relationship by getting married, which is what happened to this guy before. His last marriage, they were together for six years, and then the marriage broke down in eight months. I get that. I wasn't there for this. You don't go into detail on this in your letter, but I don't think it's the marriage itself that ended your last relationship. I think you may have gotten married despite having a bunch of issues or you thinking there weren't any issues in her thinking that there were, which could be a repeat pattern, and then you just hope that they would get better. And then when that didn't happen, you guys were out of options, so you got divorced.

[00:04:20] I'm reading into this a little bit, so if I'm wrong, take it for what it's worth. But in this case, in every case, you're not avoiding these same issues by not getting married, you're just keeping them hidden for longer. So I do think having kids isn't going to bring out the same issues and more, it seems to me like getting married is a good way to take that next step as opposed to having kids, which puts you in a relationship with someone for the rest of your life, even if you get divorced, and an intense one, intense relationship for the next 18 plus years, no matter what happens. I'm not saying everyone has to get married before having kids. What I am saying here in this case is that it's clearly important to your girlfriend and if there are any issues getting in the way, those same issues will be there when you have kids, and it'll be even harder to fix those or to separate from her at that juncture because then you got kids. So I don't really see an easy way out for this one. It seems to be Jason, like this guy is -- it seems to me like no more marriage maybe doesn't realize the gravity of the situation.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:23] Definitely doesn't. She needs stability and security when having children because she needs a baby daddy. I can see where she would want to get married before that and I can see where it could be a sticking point. It's one of those things where there's a lot that goes into it just for responsibility and taking care of the kids and just from a legal standpoint even.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:43] Yeah, exactly. From a legal standpoint, she's really not covered as well if you're not, because yes, you'll have to pay child support, but she's got to live too. And imagine what's going to happen when she starts announcing she's pregnant. The first thought any even remotely conservative relative and I'm not even that conservative and I'd be like, “Wait, are they married? I didn't even know that they were married.” I'm not judging, but it's a question that comes up. She's going to have to deal with that. You don't think that's going to put a nice rain cloud over the pregnancy. I mean, that's just -- why deal with that pressure, she's wondering. And the answer is, “Well, last time I got married it really sucked later, so I'm not going to do it.” You're basically saying, “Hey, when we break up, it's harder if I'm married to you.” Does that make a girl on a pop out kids? Not really.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:34] Yeah, and it makes me think that, okay, well this guy doesn't want to face this issue right now, but maybe that's why his last marriage broke up because he wasn't good at facing the issues when they were in front of them. You mentioned that in your response, and I think there might be something systemic to the way he handles these issues and doesn't want to cover them and make sure that his partner is taken care of.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:57] Exactly. Yeah, it's very, very possible. And a look, I don't want to pick on no more marriage, but I think he needs to kind of look in the mirror and put himself in her shoes on this one because look, call me conservative. If you won't get married, what is indicating that you're going to stick around and raise the kids? And I know that there's a whole host of things wrong with that statement.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:21] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:21] So put your phone away or you don't have to email me this. I know that there's stuff wrong with that, but if I'm feeling it and I'm generally pretty progressive, open-minded, and make a habit out of that, imagine what her friends and relatives are thinking and that kind of social pressure, ugh, what a weight that she probably feels like she doesn't need to bare because she's not your ex-wife, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:43] Right.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:44] So I totally, I got to say I'm a little bit -- I'm with her on this one, I really am. But that doesn't mean I'm right. That's just what my feelings are. But I know if I'm feeling it, probably the majority of people are feeling that even more strongly, especially her. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:01] Dear Jordan and Jason, I'm a choir director, voice teacher, and singer in the Houston Metro Area. I've recently had a partial thyroidectomy and have some vocal complications as a result. Thankfully it's not anything that seems to be permanent and I'm working with a wonderful vocal therapists to rehabilitate my voice. My issue is when discussing my vocal issues with my endocrinologist and the degree to which the problem might be hormonal, she doesn't seem to understand how hormones affect the voice. This baffles me. Nevertheless, there it is. After some discussion with my vocal therapist, it seems that most endocrinologists really don't have the information to help professional voice users like me. Again, baffled. How do I present my endocrinologist with information for medical journals, et cetera, in a way that's not offensive and that might entice her to read it and educate herself. Ultimately I can't decide whether to get a second opinion, leave the practice altogether or educate my current doctor, assuming I go to a new, whether simply for a second opinion or as a replacement to my current doctor, if my vocal therapist is right and my new endocrinologist is just as ignorant, I'm still in a position to educate the doctor. So maybe it's a two parter. Do I dump the docker educator and if I stay with her, how do I offer this information? Thank you. Speechless Sally.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:14] All right, so wow. First off, get a second opinion on pretty much anything serious ever health wise, especially something as serious as hormones, your voice and a thyroidectomy and the ensuing complications. This is serious business. This is like post-surgery care. It's a big deal. It's not a cold, it's not bronchitis. I sense that you haven't really done this yet, so definitely start there and go get a second opinion. Second, it is very troubling that your endocrinologist, a hormone doctor, doesn't seem to know that hormones affect the voice. I think every kid who went through puberty knows this, and the fact that she's never heard of a thyroidectomy which is removal of an organ that is essentially in your throat. The fact that she's never heard of this causing vocal issues and having hormonal complications, that is just baffling. I am not a medical professional of any kind and I know I'm very familiar with this type of thing. Yes, I use my voice for a living, but this is a doctor, that works on this organ. I'm blown away that she doesn't know this. Well, if she doesn't know this, what else is lacking? That's the question. What other knowledge gaps are there? And that's a very real question. Look, you're not asking her about how to grow your receding hairline. This is -- and even then hormones, but this is something very, very important. It sort of indicates that maybe she's not studied up on this at all.

[00:10:35] Here's the problem. Educating a doctor about something is always tough. Educating any professional on anything is tough from a consumer standpoint. Like if you told me, “Hey Jordan, I'm going to hire you to produce my show,” and me and Jason go in there and you're like, “Here's the way that this should be done.” We would look at you, we would look at each other, we would look at you and we would be like, “Sit down there buddy.”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:57] Just like every first time podcaster.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:58] Exactly. Yeah, it happens all the time, and it's something that we would have to -- I would have to try pretty hard to go, “Well, let's look at his input with an open mind.” Educating a doctor about something. No offense doctors, but you worked really hard to get where you are at, same with lawyers. We tend to be a stubborn bunch when it comes to our client, largely unsophisticated folks coming in -- unsophisticated in the topics of law or medicine. They tell us something they've read in a magazine and we just kind of roll our eyes and deal with it. So telling a doctor that you think this is something that they should pay attention to, even though you're right, is going to be tough. I won't get into this here. What you need to realize is you're not going to persuade your doctor where there's smoke, there's fire. So get a second opinion, and I think you probably need a new doc. Go get opinions from other doctors to evaluate them and those opinions, and then see which one knows what she's talking about with your voice and hormones, and then and only then make this switch. That way you don't end up back at square one leaving this doctor, switching doctors, and then finding out you've got the exact same problem. Go get a second, third, fourth, and fifth opinion. Find the doctor you're most comfortable with and then stick with that person for this problem. Not every doctor is going to be as good for each problem, so that's another thing. You know you're hiring professionals here. It's almost like a consultant for your body, not everybody's equally qualified and not everybody's equally experienced with each individual issue that you're having.

[00:12:26] So good luck and take care of that voice. You really do need a specialist. You're not an iron worker who's yelled too much and had their thyroid out. Now you got to not yell as much. This is your business. This is your livelihood, so you got to make sure you get the right care for it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:43] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:28] This episode is sponsored in part by Purple, so on days where I have great sleep, I'm on fire. The shows are great, everything I'm doing is great. I'm complying through email. If I've got some sort of restless night like I had the other night in here, I'm traveling here in Australia, I will tell you it is a completely different game. Sleep is clutch, especially for people who are high performing jobs. The quality of your sleep affects the quality of your daily life. It can be a little bit rough and if you're struggling to get a good night's sleep, you've got to try a Purple mattress. The founders are these two brothers. They'd been working on cushioning tech for 30 years on everything from medical beds to wheelchairs and now they got the mattress and pillow game going on and now they've got the mattress and pillow game going on. The Purple mattress will probably feel different than anything you've ever experienced because it uses this brand new material that was developed by an actual rocket scientist. It's not the memory foam that you're thinking of. It feels unique. It's firm and soft at the same time, but it's breathable so you're not sweating your, you know what off if you have one, or sweating or whatever, I'm not going down that road. Anyway, they got a hundred night risk free trial. So if you're not fully satisfied, you can return your mattress for a full refund backed by a 10 year warranty, free shipping and returns and leaving get rid of your old crap mattress and they'll set it up for you in your house. So you're not trying to lug this thing up the stairs. You're going to love Purple and Jason's going to tell you how to get it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:51] You are definitely going to love Purple, and right now, our listeners will get a free Purple pillow with the purchase of any mattress that's in addition to the great free gifts they're offering site-wide. Just text Jordan to 474747. The only way to get this free pillow is to text Jordan to 474747. One more time, that's Jordan, J-O-R-D-A-N to 474747. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals, and if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe, and now, let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:40] All right, next step.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:42] Hey Jordan and gang. My girlfriend Lynn and I have been dating for nine years going on 10 and had been together since we were 15. High school sweethearts sounds so cool when you tell people till they look at you like you're an anomaly and are sure to let you know. I'm a general contractor and handyman and entrepreneur who's very creative, loves personal growth, being open ,and wants to be the best husband and father. Lynn worked out of high school, traveled a bit with and without me. Love spending your time with a close friend, but mostly her family. She's now in school and fulfilling her creative ambition in interior design and she's hella talented. We've been dating for most of our maturing life and I'm still so in love with her and she with me, but she's been wondering about quote unquote, the other side of the field. She says she wants to experience life and considering experiencing other people because she feels she'll regret her life if she doesn't. I've told her she can experience life with or without me, but I'm not into an open relationship or anything of that sort. Call me old fashioned, I guess.

[00:17:41] Other things to take into consideration. Her recent best friend, Martha who was dating my best friend for two years till not too long ago, hang out all the time. Martha who's 22 has started a fling with a guy who flies her down to Nevada to quote unquote have fun. She skipped work and school and is doing her best to live her life carefree. They talk about all the things Martha is doing and is in a way an immature friend. I can't help but feel her stories are leaving an impression on Lynn. I've talked about all of this and she denied it to protect her friend, but came around later and said she wasn't going to hang out with her anymore. Well, she's hanging out with her more and more. Lynn tends to take on the personality traits of those around her and I can't help but feel her friend group has rubbed off on her in a bad way. Lynn's tried diving into personal growth programs, but nothing sticks and just makes her feel terrible about herself as if she's a bad person. So not the case. I've encouraged her to talk to a counselor, but with only my income as she goes to school. It's hard to afford one. I just wanted to feel confident in herself, her life and her decisions. But feel like a huge change is coming between us in one direction or the other. I know this is a huge turning point in their lives and I'm ready to put a ring on it, but this is holding me up. Something about turning 25 eh, anyway, any help would be amazing. Lots of love my dudes. Signed, Positively Perplexed.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:00] This is a tough one because Lynn is definitely being influenced by her friend and the friend might be immature in your eyes, but 22 is a good age to fly around and have fun and you know, bang it out with other people or whatever you're doing especially if you're single. I mean --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:16] Yep.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:17] Yeah, her friends immature at 22, but I think if I was 22 and some 35 or 30 year old woman was like, “Hey, let me fly you around the country and we can go hang out and I'll pay for stuff and you don't have, you're young.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:30] I’m in!

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:31] Yeah, I’m in!

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:32] Where do I sign up?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:33]Where do I sign up? Of course. And she, yeah, we went to Las Vegas and we went to see Cirque de Solei and then I went to this restaurant that I could afford. I mean that's awesome. When I was 22, it's funny Jason, you ever think back to those days when you were like in school and you went out for a 30 dollars meal and you're like damn it, I'm broke now and I got dragged to the steak place because my friend's birthday and I'm broke for the whole week or longer.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:59] Yep.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:59] Because I bought a 30 dollars a meal and I like, you know, that was the rest of my 400 dollars paycheck for the last two weeks or whatever.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:06] Six days of ramen ahead is all you got to look forward to.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:08] Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. Anyway, so your girlfriend's not thinking about this stuff because of her friend only. It's not just because of her friend. She's probably had some curiosity about dating in general because she's never done it. If you've been together since you were 15 she's never dated outside besides you, and even that wasn't a real date that you met in high school. It doesn't count. You know, she's never been able to like go out and deal with the attention that she's been getting from other people. She's always just been, I have a boyfriend, sorry, that's her whole life, and the problem's not going to go away if you get married. It's not. It's actually just going to be in the background. 25 you and her still super young. You may be in different places in life with you ready to get married or so you think in her wanting more experience or so she thinks if you encourage her experience, you risk your relationship with her even temporarily. But if you try to keep her from experiencing other things in other people, you risk her wanting to do that while married, which is actually a bigger problem because that's the kind of thing that I see in my inbox where it's like, “Yeah, my wife and I, we have two little kids or our kids are out of the house, and my wife decided she wants to get this out of her system. Or I think my wife is getting this out of her system right now, and I'm wondering if you know what's going on, she's not talking to me. This is a problem that's not just going to sort of go away. It doesn't. It's going to NA, if I were you and easy for me to say here, I fully understand this, I'd say that you and her could take a little break. She can go nuts all she wants. You don't want to hear about it. Let her get it out of her system. I know it feels strange and kind of gross to think about that, but trust me, it's better than the alternative. Again, 25 is so young. You're so ahead of your time. This is great. I wish I had met Jen when I was 25, but guess what? If I'd met Jen when I was 25, I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:58] You’ll just screwed it up.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:59] I would have screwed it up or I wouldn't have cared enough or I wasn't ready to get married. It just wouldn't have mattered. So you're ahead of your time and that's great. But there's something to be said for getting out there, making sure that what you have is really what you want. So think of it this way. She wants to make sure that what she has, which is you, is really what she wants. She's probably 98 percent sure. So let her go out and confirm that, you think dating you -- let me put it this way, man. She's not going to go out and be like going out to the bar and drinking crappy drinks from douche bag guys who hit on us and really inept ways is so fun. Sorry, boyfriend of 10 years, I'm out. She's going to do that stuff for like six to 12 months ang go, “This sucks. This is terrible.” And if she doesn't, then that was going to happen most likely at some point in your life while you're married anyway, and cause a lot of issues. So I would take advantage of the situation. I would make it about her. Tell her you'll do whatever she wants. You can do a little pausezola and you never know. If you take a break with her, you might go out and find that you need to get some stuff out of your system as well. You might just think you don't.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:09] That's what I was going to say. It works on both sides of the aisle here.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:12] Yeah. She wants a hall pass, go get a hall pass.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:14] Yeah. I mean you guys have been together since you were 15, go out and sell your wild oats a bit before you honked her down.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:20] Yeah. You know, go to Vegas. Just don't go at the same time as her. You might regret what you see.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:26] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:0:23:27] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:28] Hi, Jordan and Jason. My wife was sexually abused by a family member when she was little. Needless to say, it was a traumatic experience that has stuck with her to this day. Some people in her family refuse to acknowledge the abuse. Well, others simply don't know what happened. Her grandmother is one of those people who doesn't know what happened. Recently the abuser moved in with the grandmother to be her caretaker. This means that family holidays will now most likely include the abuser. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety. I'm torn between my desire to protect my wife from ever having to see this person again and keeping up the peaceful family facade of the family unity. I've told my wife that I'm adamant that will not attend any family event where he's present, but that would look strange to everyone since I've never met this person. I'm worried that the pressure to maintain the facade will cause me to lose my resolve if we ever see their car in the driveway. I don't believe my wife will risk family unity to avoid the abuser, so I feel like it'll be up to me to make the decision. How can I do right by my wife and also be a good husband in this situation. Thank you, Dreading Thanksgiving.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:31] Yeah. This is an icky one, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:34] Yeah, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:35] Super, super uncomfortable and I'm having a little bit of an emotional reaction to this one because I just want to scream. It is not the victim's job to make sure the family and abuser feel okay about the damage they've caused. I think this dynamic and pressure is very common. Victims, the world over are probably pressured into silence because nobody wants to believe that the family screw up that the parents or grandparents have been covering for the past 30 years, caused some real damage. Everybody wants to pretend like it's okay. And a lot of the time the person who has done the abusing was abused by someone else, and grandma might know about that too. Maybe it was somebody in her family or immediate family. So it gets icky and it gets complicated, but it's not the victim's job to go well, since we're super dysfunctional, guess I'll be dysfunctional past the cream corn, that doesn't work for me, and it shouldn't be something that you're forcing on your wife or that she's forcing on herself.

[00:25:34] I realize the abuser is a caretaker for grandma, and so now he's got a place at Thanksgiving no matter what. This is an unfortunate -- it's an unfortunate reality. You're going to need to work around it in order to protect your wife. The question is a bit confusing because we don't know what your wife wants to do. I found it interesting that there's no mention of you talking with her about this and seeing what she wants to do. Maybe you just left it out. If I would definitely have that conversation. If it were me and I promised my wife she'd never see that guy again, I would skip Thanksgiving. What I would also do is when people ask why we're skipping, Thanksgiving is calmly explained the real reason why. I realize you might not want to tell grandma, she's living with a sexual abuser, but you can certainly explain that to everyone else. You don't have to cover for this guy. The whole world, the whole family has been covering for this guy, at the expense of your wife's well-being. Is that fair? I don't think that's fair at all.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:28] Not at all.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:29] Let the family shoulder the burden. Let the family shoulder this burden of working around the situation. If they're so hell bent on keeping the family piece, let them concoct some story about, “Oh, well you know she's allergic to Turkey now.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:43] Turkey, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:45] And she doesn't want to come because it's too far and she can't drive in the snow. I don't care what they say, and if the grandma gets really pissed off at your wife for this, then your wife should tell grandma exactly what's going on. Yeah, it's going to be really uncomfortable. That little sweet little Jimmy who's taken care of her is the one that messed around with your wife when she was a kid. I just don't feel bad about that. I feel bad for your wife having to deal with this. I understand that old people and family members, they don't want to deal with these situations. I don't think it's your wife's responsibility to take the pressure on herself.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:21] She's not asked to deal with this. This was thrust upon her. We'll thrust it back on the family.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:25] Yeah, exactly. This is not the monkey that she should have on her back. This is the family monkey. The family doesn't get to ignore abuse, then force your wife to let it go, so they can eat Turkey and watch football like everything's fine. If people want to pretend everything is fine, they get to put the energy into doing so. So avoiding the pressure of going to Thanksgiving and like caving when you see the abuser's car in the driveway. This is simple. Tell everyone you're not going, if the abuser is going to be there, and then go somewhere else for the holiday. Hopefully you have other family, other friends. You could have Thanksgiving alone with each other. You don't owe one ounce of energy into the family facade. It is unhealthy for them. It's unhealthy for you. It's sure as hell unhealthy for your wife. She will never really be able to move past this. If the message from the family is that it never happened in the first place, her emotional well-being is much more important than stuffing and cranberry sauce with a side of self-delusion.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:23] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:26] This episode is sponsored by FreshBooks. If you run your own business, I bet you love being your own boss. I know I do. Endless earning potential, doing what you love every day.

Makes all the admin, all that paperwork worthwhile, what if I told you there's an easier way to deal with all those time consuming tasks? And well our friends at FreshBooks, they make accounting software super easy to use. As you might guess, it makes accounting a hell of a lot easier. It makes paperwork a thing of the past and when I say FreshBooks is easy to use, what I mean is you can create and send ultra-professional looking invoices in like 30 seconds. Clients pay you directly through invoices with online payments, which in turn gets you paid twice as fast and you can link your FreshBooks account to your credit card, your debit cards. If you buy a business lunch, it shows up in your FreshBooks account. We've been using this for like 10 plus years. It makes it easy to get payments. You don't have to be awkwardly reminding people. It'll handle that. Right now we're giving our listeners a free 30 day trial of FreshBooks, no credit card required. Just go to freshbooks.com/jordan, and enter JORDAN in the how do you hear about us section. Trust me. I've been using this software forever, for a decade or so, as long as they've been in business almost, and we've just loved every moment of it. It made our life so much easier. So if you've got a business, even a side hustle, definitely check out FreshBooks. Freshbooks.com/jordan.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:45] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals, and now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:03] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:04] Dear Team Jordan. Well, I'm not the greatest conversationalist in the world. I'm not bad. In my family has called me The Great Interpreter ever since I was a little kid, because I can identify and resolve miscommunications very easily for other people, but when it comes to any kind of storytelling, let's just say I truly pity my listeners. Getting from the beginning to the end is almost sure to be a veritable pathfinding excursion littered from one end to the other with rabbit trails and backtracks and ending at a destination barely worth the effort. Long stories, short stories, or even jokes, I can't seem to figure out the storytellers formula. Do you have any recommendations for improving my ability in this area or am I destined to simply be the editor of other people's stories, and if the latter is interpretation of marketable skill? It's not what I intend to hang my hat on regardless, but it's good to know what's in your quiver so to speak. Thank you for all that you do. Sincerely, Helen Teller.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:58] Huh! Helen teller. I see what you did there. Not bad.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:02] That's a good one. I didn't even come up with that one.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:05] Oh nice. PS, I also enjoy the recommendations. Take Your Pills was just as good as you said it was and I wouldn't have known without you. I mean as long as you're watching and reading things, I do appreciate hearing what they are.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:17] Well good, because we're bringing all this stuff in. We actually get a ton of feedback about the show that we don't read on the show because I feel like it's a little too inside baseball. Like when people write and they're angry about something or people write and they want to help out with an additional suggestion, we kind of just quietly pass it along. But it is good to hear these things. So yeah, it's cool, you can leave in the PS here, because I do think the recommendations are fun and I think the Tank's Good News is fun. There's a lot of little segments that we do and we got to know your feedback because we didn't hear anything about the recommendations, almost nothing. So we removed it and then everyone's like, “Wait a minute! What?” “No!” So I thought it was funy.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:52] Silence implied consent.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:53] Yeah, well, that doesn't work anymore, does it? All right. My suggestion on this one, take a comedy writing course. They also have storytelling courses, but mostly for comedy. I think, and I've only seen a few storytelling courses in LA, New York City. Comedy writing courses are, or at least theoretically should be in every major city. You can probably find one even online if you can. If you don't live in a big town, try to find a place like the second city, which would have -- call a comedy theater and they'll be able to point you in the right direction. They either have classes themselves or they'll be able to say, “Hey, everyone takes their classes at UCB or whatever. And a upright citizens brigade. If you're in a big town, big major city.” Comedy has a ton of storytelling involved. And if you go into this class with the idea that you're going to figure out the structure and timing, you'll learn a lot about delivery as well. And I suggest comedy writing courses as opposed to regular writing courses as they're going to be more fun, they're going to be more engaging for a non-writer. And I think they might also include a performance element which will help you move past the anxiety of not knowing how to tell a story. Plus, I just imagine writing classes, Jason, to be like, “This is a part of a memoir that I wrote about my dead cat.” And you're just like, “Oh gosh!” You know where it's like way too serious for aspiring writers and it's like “This is a novel set in Victorian England about a woman living with syphilis.” And you're just like, “Geez, no thanks.”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:22] It should be now.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:23] Yeah, comedy writing is going to be like, “Here's a story about something my dog did this morning that I think is hilarious.” It's just going to be a more entertaining, fun and engaging way to learn how to tell a story. Whereas writing classes for me that I just feel like it's going to be all literary and kind of serious and then you're going to have to actually write something good. Whereas with comedy writing, I think the idea is you write something that's goofy and funny, and then you tell everyone about it. I could be wrong. This is how I imagined these things going down, and once you've dipped your toes in the water, an improv class could also be a good move. Those classes, especially LevelOne or Two out of, I think four, those will help with thinking on your feet and staying focused on a topic and not going down rabbit holes and that kind of thing. But comedy writing, I think that's your ticket. Let me know how it goes. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:10] Hi Jordan, Jen, and Jason. I'm a 34 year old woman working as an engineer in the oil industry. I have a pretty questionable relationship history, not terrible, but I've put up with way too much and stayed too long, et cetera. Looking back, I can see why and I'm working on the reasons. In the meantime, I'm single. It's been a good few years since my last proper relationship. I was promoted at work and I'm managing a team of male engineers. My part of the industry is 80 to 90 percent male. Here in lies the problem. I'm increasingly attracted to one of them. Uh-oh. I don't -- yeah, I don't see him too often due to weird work patterns, but every time I do the feelings are reinforced. I get the impression he may also be interested, just general electricity type of stuff. Nothing hugely obvious. I know this is a bad idea, don't shit where you eat, et cetera. I've made that mistake before, although not as someone's boss and I don't want to repeat. I'm not feeling confident enough to do Internet dating, which is a warning sign to me to question why I'm interested in him. Internet dating isn't really my thing, but it's a good barometer of my self-confidence and I was thinking it would be a distraction from him. Do you have any tips on how to steer off this course? I'm pretty sure I can trust myself on this one, but with Christmas party season approaching, any words of advice would be appreciated. I'm a happy person on the whole, but I would like to relationship at some point and I'm getting myself more together. I have a good job even if it's not what I want to do forever. I'm well-respected work and I have pretty big plans for my life that I'm starting to put into action. I don't want to trip myself up again. Also any suggestions on who I should be dating? That is a weird question I know, but it can be tricky when I tell men what I do, and it's often obvious I earn more than them. It generally doesn't go down that well, and I wish it didn't make a difference but it does. Thanks for reading and thanks for your awesome podcast. Signed, Bad Boss.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:02] All right. This is ugly. This is such a bad idea.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:07] So bad.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:08] Yeah, she already knows. You already know this, Bad Boss. I think that you're really self-aware and you're looking for an outlet because you've been single for a while, but this is going to damage your career. It's going to damage his career, is going to damage your reputation. You're going to feel like crap because you knew better going into it. This is the result of a scarcity mindset when it comes to dating. So you think, “Oh I've been single for a while.” Dating is really hard. So that leads to you thinking I have fewer options. So when an option presents itself like a guy at work, it can lead to bad decisions because you are looking at a dearth of mating opportunity. Really. When you're talking about bio here, any electricity, whatever you say between you two it's a relevant, real or not. Be aware that men in any industry, especially a male dominated industry such as engineering, where you're one of nine women in the office of 200 people, you know they're often thinking about their female bosses like this. It doesn't lay the groundwork or even indicate that a real relationship is going to be possible outside of a fling, which could just be a fantasy for him to nail his boss.

[00:37:14] So I would ask yourself if you want to risk your career for that, because if you get in trouble for this, you could end up not being able to work anywhere in this industry because of that, you could end up with getting the company subjected to a lawsuit. There's so many things that can go wrong here. Think of it like this. If your boss was a guy and you thought there was a spark between you, don't you think it would be dangerous for his career to start sleeping with you? I mean, look at the current political climate. You're just doing that to yourself, it just seems different because you're a woman, but it's actually not different at all.

[00:37:49] I think you should be dating online. You should be building a social circle that's healthy. You've got to filter for confident men who aren't intimidated by your job. And on that note, do you not think the men working under you are going to have that same issue? This is going to be a pattern that repeats itself. Filtering is a tough part of dating. The toughest part of dating actually, but doing it wrong has massive consequences, so I think you need to build your confidence up so that you can be doing the online dating thing. In fact, I think you should just do online dating regardless of your confidence. I don't really know that you need to build your confidence to do it. I think doing it will build your confidence in the first place, and you've got to filter. You've got to do the work. You can't just take the opportunities that land in your lap so to speak, because they're coming from your office. This is just has disaster written all over it. You don't need me to nail this in any harder. You need to work on yourself so that you deserve what you want. Do not go after the guys at work. My God! Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:47] Hey, triple J. I'm a new teacher and I've consistently gotten feedback that I speak too quietly. I've tried to combat this by making a conscious effort to speak more loudly, but I'm still getting the same feedback. Any tips for projecting my voice? Thanks for all you do. Sincerely, Silent Sally.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:04] The answer to this is a vocal coach. This isn't your vocal muscles being weak or even just a habit, most likely anyway. There's a good chance that you've been conditioned to speak quietly. Many women have been conditioned to speak quietly growing up. You've got to overcome this, especially in the workplace, so it's not just a matter of overcoming the vocal habits you've built up over a lifetime. There's going to be some mindset stuff here as well, I would imagine, and I will happily refer you to my Vocal Coach Darcy, who can start this process. She's also an acting coach when it comes to the voice thing, so she's going to get into the mindset behind it. She's not just going to say, “Oh yeah, here's a warm up or something like that.” You've got to figure out why you're speaking quietly and why you can't build or why you've had trouble building the habits of speaking louder and then she'll help you build those muscles and those mindsets, because that's really what you've got to do. This is not just a, how do I project ladder? You can yell and scream, but that's not what we're going for here. So yeah, let me know if you want a referral. I will happily refer anyone to Darcy. She's not free, but it is really good and it's something that I've leaned on a lot, so I highly recommend it. If you think your voice is holding up your career, think about how much solving that problem is worth to you and I think it becomes a no brainer after that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:19] She could also talk to people in the Drama Department at her school because she's a teacher, so I'm sure that they've got a Drama Department and maybe find a coach there.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:27] Yeah, good point. I hadn't thought about that. You probably do have a music or drama teacher. The problem is, I don't know if they will be able to give you something other than, “Oh, you just need to warm up your voice,” or “Oh, you just need to project.” They might not necessarily know the same things as a professional vocal coach for speakers, but what do I know? Maybe that's where they come from. Maybe that's their line of work. So start there, see if it helps and then you can upgrade from there if needed. All right, last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:56] Hi, Jordan and team. I'm writing to you in regards on how to convey remorse through body language. I'm in law enforcement and I'm facing prosecution over a physical altercation with a fellow member of the force because he spat on my uniform. I've been told by a superior that I need to hold my shit together and have some resolve. However, in doing so, I've heard I come across as lacking remorse and not being apologetic. I don't like what I did and I'm genuinely remorseful for what happened. How do I show that I'm remorseful while still holding my shit together? Thanks and kind regards, Officer Humble.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:30] Showing remorse will mostly be verbally. If you're supposed to be extra professional at disciplinary proceedings, you don't want to be slouchy and looking down at the floor, it's not going to be a good look for you. You have to look like you've got your stuff together, but also that you're sorry for what happened and you regret what happened. So make sure to make solid eye contact with everyone. Speak what's on your mind. Don't you just do the robotic apology. I think it helps if you're actually sorry, which I'm not totally sure I would be, if someone spat on me. So it may help you -- if someone spat on me and I clocked him and I got in trouble for that, I think I would also have trouble being like, “I am so sorry.” I'd probably be like, “You deserved it. I'm sorry I got caught.”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:10] Yeah, really.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:11] I'm sorry I'm in this courtroom right now. Makes me want to clock you again. But really, I think it may help you to think of a time when you were actually sorry for doing something. Maybe you were embarrassed at a certain outcome, like you got in trouble from your parents, you got in trouble at school, have that moment, think about that, and have that moment in your mind ready for when you're in the disciplinary proceeding. And this way you don't have to fake the nonverbal communication and manufacture it. You'll already feel that way, and nobody has to know it's because you trash your cousin's bike when you were 11 and not because of the current situation. You got to bring the feelings on in the nonverbal communication will start to take care of itself because as we know, body language nonverbals their reflection of your internal state. So you've got to get your internal state sorry and remorseful, and good luck with this. I also think doing some anger management or counseling after this is a good idea. I'm sure the department's going to make you do this as well, but it's really key to be able to hold it together during stressful times, especially at work and even more so in your line of work.

[00:43:13] The public is counting on you to be professional and reliable, and even if you'd never be this way with the public and you just have someone at work with whom you don't get along, the superior person is able to figure out a way to manage this. So you've got to figure that out, so that you can avoid getting yourself into trouble and hamstringing your career as a result.

[00:43:33] All right, Tank's Good News of the Week. So check this out. Spotify made a playlist of catchy songs that are at a hundred beats per minute and you can have one of these songs in your head. The idea is that you have one of these songs in your head if you ever need to do CPR because a hundred BPM is the speed at which you do compressions when you're doing CPR. So you can have the beat in your head instead of trying to count, which is actually a lot easier, could save someone's life. That's pretty cool.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:00] I actually remember a commercial in England when I was over there and they set the song to Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. That's another 100 BPM song and one of the ones that you can just pull out in a quick moment if you need it. But I want to check some of these other ones out because just in case I don't want to get Staying Alive as an ear hole or like an ear worm. It's a good, good trick to have. I like this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:21] Yeah. This is a American Heart Association collab, so it's Hands-Only CPR’s ‘Keep The Beat’ 100 BPM Playlist, and link to that in the show notes of this show if you want to look for it instead of digging. I thought that was kind of a good idea--

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:38] Great idea.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:38] And a little viral marketing and yeah, you get some Staying Alive or something else in there and finally -- you know, it could save someone's life. You can't save your own life though. Cannot do, but it's got like EDM in there. It's got all kinds of cool stuff that you might know, stuff you don't know, so you can find something you actually like. And then if you ever have to give CPR, you just have to bump some Major Lazer or Maroon Five or Kygo, Sam Smith, the list goes on. Wilson Phillips is in there. Hold on for one more, and you're just going out -- that's a little bit too on the nose, right? Hold on one more, and you're just sitting there doing chest compressions. This should not be funny, but it is. All right. Anyway, recommendation Jason, what you got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:24] Quincy on Netflix. It's the Quincy Jones Story and, Oh man, is it good! I never knew how much music this guy wrote until I saw this documentary. I knew he was a legend in the field, but I had no idea how far back he went and how much he's done. It is an amazing story about an amazing guy and it's done by his daughter. So there might be a little bias going on there, but either way, it's still a great documentary and you learn a lot about his life and he's like in his late 80s, and still trucking right along.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:56] Yeah, he made Thriller with Michael Jackson.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:59] And gazillion other ones like, I think he did, We Are The World in Live Aid. I might be wrong on live aid, but he did so many concerts for charity that it's just, it's crazy. But yeah, the gold records that you can see just for Thriller alone is mind boggling. I mean there's like a whole giant wall of gold records just for Thriller in his office.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:22] Yeah, I love kind of the OG business stuff when it comes to show business, especially. It seems like a super interesting guy. So I'll definitely bookmark that, Quincy on Netflix. All right, hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. Happy to keep you anonymous of course. And a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to Taylor Fischer in Las Vegas. He's a paramedic actually saving lives in Las Vegas. Wrote us a super nice message and a lot of kind words saying we have saved people's lives. He's immensely grateful for the impact. Former Marine, currently a paramedic in Las Vegas, and he was lost after his transition out of the Marine Corps and found his way again in part through the shelf. So that's a nice, it's a nice note to get Taylor. Thank you for that.

[00:47:15] And if you want to know how we booked some of these great guests we've got on the show, how we manage all these relationships that we have with some of the superstars that we get here on the podcast. Well we've got systems, we've got tiny habits, four minutes a day, maybe even less checkout or Six-Minute Networking Course where we teach you how to do this. It's free. Check out jordanharbinger.com/course, and if you think I'll do it later because I get this all the time. “Oh I'm good at this,” or “I'll do this later.” You can't make up for lost time when it comes to relationships and networking. The number one mistake students, entrepreneurs, everybody makes is postponing this, not digging the well before they get thirsty. And once you need these relationships that is too late. jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm also on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to reach us, engage with the show. Jason, where are you on the social?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:03] You can find my personal website over at jpd.me. You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks over at gog.show or your podcast player of choice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:12] All right, and this show has always co-produced with Jen Harbinger. Show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com and share the show with those you love and even those you don't got a lot more in the pipeline. Very excited to bring it to you. You've got some great stuff coming up this week and next and the week after and the week after. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

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