92: How to Find a Mentor with the Generosity Principle | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Find a Mentor with the Generosity Principle | Feedback Friday (Episode 92)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer, Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And this week we had Jonathan Haidt talking about The Coddling of the American Mind, why safe spaces and trigger warnings and all that stuff is making our skin thinner and how it's making us less able to deal with well reality, no surprise for a lot of us there, but our discussion on this was very, very interesting and where this was all going is a little scary as well. And we talked with Dr. Isaiah Hankel talking about why you're more easily manipulated when you're busy and why half of our relationships statistically are essentially fake, which is a little bit scary as well. So a great week of shows here, if you miss those, go on back and check those out.

[00:00:45] Of course, our primary mission is to pass along their wisdom, our guest's wisdom and our experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Try to keep them concise if you can. It really increases the chancellor question will get answered on the air, but we do love hearing from you, so keep those coming. And Jason, you know I was thinking about the other day when I was on SiriusXM for a while, there was a color on the show, and he had said that his first date that he had just gone on was the craziest thing ever. And he told us this story and I don't know, what reminded me of this, but I wanted to share it anyway. He went on a date with this -- it was a blind date and they start talking about like football or something like that, and she turns out to be a crazy football fan and I guess they like different teams or something like that, and they start getting in this fight in the car, and she whips out a box cutter.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:48] What?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:49] Yeah, so he's --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:50] Oh my God!

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:51] So he's got pepper spray in his car, he grabs that and they're in a Mexican standoff with pepper spray in a box cutter and he drives to the police station, I think in like Philadelphia or Pittsburgh or something like that. And they ended up having to separate them and they're laughing the cops the whole time, “Yeah, box gutter guy.” We're talking about this guy. He calls in again, and he's like, “I'm box cutter guy. I was that guy. I remember that.” And we're like, “Man, you had crazy dating so you have any other dating stories like that? He's like, “Not really. I got married.” And I was like, “Oh, congratulations. Hopefully she didn't pull out any box cutters at the wedding.” And he goes, “Well, it was actually that girl.”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:42] What?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:43] He married that girl.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:44] Oh my God! Talk about somebody not learning from past mistakes. What happened?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:48] I know. He's like, “Yeah, we ended up going out again.” I'm like, “How did you end up going out again with somebody who pulled a box cutter on you that you almost maced, that you had to be separated from by the police?” Like what is that conversation like after that date?

What's the text like? “Hey sorry, things got a little heated, would love to see you again.” I mean what reality? What universe? Apparently our own actually.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:13] Exactly.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:13] Does that work though? But oh God, I don't know. I just thought that was funny. I don't know, I probably saw a box cutter lying around somewhere and just decided, “Oh yeah, box cutter guy.” But I thought that was so funny, that's the kind of stuff that's in my inbox though, just to let you all know. There's a lot of that stuff in the inbox, although it is a little bit more fun when it's a caller because you can get the zany details.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:32] Love always finds a way.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:33] Love always finds a way. That's right. Speaking of which, what's the first thing out of the mailbox?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:38] Hey Jordan, I really love your post about Jen and how she is super supportive with hardly any drama. It seems like you travel for business and I'm dating someone who loves to travel and it's having an impact in our relationship. I'm having difficulty with him being away for weeks at a time, and he's told me it puts a lot of stress on him when he's traveling for fun or business because he doesn't like feeling guilty if he needs to extend his trips unexpectedly. I do give him a hard time and I recognize it and apologize, but I keep making the same mistake. I wonder how other people cope with it. How does or doesn't it impact your relationship? Was it always like this in the beginning? I'm not seeing it from his perspective and I really want to understand. He wants to be a digital nomad and I think we've tried to meet somewhere in the middle. We've only been together for about six months. We've talked about planning trips together, but I can't always travel three months every year like he can. I have a career so it's not as easy to pick up and go like a nomad. However, I also want him to understand my side. Am I being selfish? Will this relationship work and what are some things we could try that we haven't thought of yet? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks, Not A Rambling Rose.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:45] Yeah, so I think she is referring to this post I had on Instagram where I talked about Jen, and there was a picture of us and how supportive our relationship is. We don't really have any drama at all in our relationship, and so this gal, Not A Rambling Rose. This actually though sounds a little bit like her drama, and I don't want to pin all of this on her, but this isn't really a great match. If she's working, she's got a day job. This guy loves to travel and he wants to be a digital nomad, which is somebody who travels constantly and works from the road because they work online. It's not really going to be a good fit, especially if you've only been together for six months and you're sort of trying to anchor him down because you can't travel, it sounds like, “Yeah, you're being a little bit selfish.” I understand why you want this. Of course, you want the relationship to work, but you really have to get yourself straight because it sounds a little bit like your insecurity is being triggered here. Like, “Well, I don't want him to be gone the whole time because I want to see him.” That's a little selfish, but I also, I get it, you know, I understand this. You can't reel someone in. You can only support other people in their growth, unless of course, you want to build an unhealthy relationship pattern where you're trying to control someone and they're constantly trying to get away you, which is not really a good way to live, that breeds resentment. So I'm not going to say that your relationship is doomed, but I am going to say that the tighter you try to grip on to somebody that is trying to be a digital nomad and travel around all over the place, the more likely it is that this is going to have a premature end.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:13] Seems pretty doomed out of the gate to me. I mean three months out of the year, so that's 25 percent of the time that they have together, he's gone, and she wants to be with them. So find somebody that's going to stay local. If you're not available to travel, then that's not really the person for you in my book. I mean, I don't care how much you love somebody if they're not going to be there when you need them to be there. It's a total mismatch.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:37] Yeah, it's a mismatch. And you can either try to rearrange your life a little bit for this if that's something that you want as well, but it sounds like she doesn't want that. She wants a career, which is great, but she can't have a career, and then tell this guy that he can't do what he wants to do because she wants a career, and therefore, he has to stick around. It's just not a good fit.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:56] No, not at all.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:57] So we'll leave that up to you, but I think you either have to loosen your grip and give the guy a pass, and keep in touch using the multitude of Internet enabled apps that allow that and be cool with that. Or you have to realize that this is not a good match, but definitely don't try to weigh the guy down. He's going to go crazy and resent you for it, and that is not a good way to end things.

[00:07:17] All right, so something that I've been getting in my inbox a lot. A lot of people have been asking me why I study Mandarin Chinese, so I wanted to say a few words on the subject. I study Mandarin because of course a lot of people go, it's the future, it's the future. Definitely, I agree with that. It's certainly the future. I live in an area where there's probably more Asian people than there are people of any other ethnicity. So that helps a little bit, especially now that I'm married into a Chinese family. I started studying though before I even met my wife. I started studying on my own in order to create plasticity in my brain, or I should say maintain plasticity and my brain learned some symbolic learning. You have to memorize all those little symbols if you're going to read and write. And I also thought that there's potential someday for me to do business in or with China. Turns out that's coming true kind of now as well, especially based on some things that are in the hopper. And I do think that there are other great languages that you can learn.

[00:08:13] I'm in my 30s, Mandarin is a great way to do this. Russia and Russian, now this is something that can solve a problem that we have currently. Would I study Russian if I were 20 and trying to solve a crisis? Yes, I would. I think I would've picked Russian initially because that is probably the first and foremost on the world stage in terms of geopolitical stuff. Whereas Mandarin is first and foremost with business and commerce, and then of course, geopolitical stuff will come soon enough. Chinese for me is to develop a business in a big economy. Russia, the language is a long-term loser, and I don't mean that for Russians or the country of Russia, I just mean learning the language. It will diminish in its importance if you're looking for geopolitical or economics. China both as a country and as a language is going to be a long-term winner. So I would say if you're in your 20s, and you're interested in learning Russian, definitely go ahead. If you're in your 30s, and you're in the geopolitical space, learn Russian.

[00:09:12] If you have it in you to learn Mandarin, definitely do so. It's going to be better, I think for business and for geopolitics in the long run as well. And obviously, if you can learn both then do that too. They're different enough that they're not going to interfere with one another especially, and I think you can learn passable Russian within a year quite easily, especially if you study and if you end up going over there to study, you can learn passable good Russian inside of a year, including reading and writing. The Cyrillic alphabet is quite simple, and if you're able to go to China and study abroad for a year or possibly two, you'll have a very, very good conversational to high intermediate, possibly advanced level of Mandarin after a couple of years in country if you're studying as well. So that's why I chose Mandarin.

I think that that's a wise choice for people.

[00:09:59] I hear a lot of people like, “Well, I want to keep working on my Spanish, or I want to finish learning French.” I'm going to be blunt here, forget that stuff. There's enough people who are bilingual with Spanish. The French is not going to be useful. German is not going to be useful too. Portuguese, unless you're working in Brazil is not going to be useful to you. It doesn't mean anything about the countries or the people that live there, but we're talking about geopolitics and business use study Chinese and/or Russian, and you will thank me later.

[00:10:26] By the way, I learned all of my languages as an adult. In fact, I used to think dairy aire, which means backside and French was dairy air. Like you know your butt smells like the air at a dairy. So that's some of the ways that I remember words and things like that, even if I'm wrong, but I learned all languages other than English as an adult. I began learning Chinese at age 33, so don't write me like, “Oh, I'm too old. I can't learn it.” You have an actual talent for this. There is no indication that that's actually the case, zero.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:57] It's funny. You actually started learning Chinese after we met.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:01] Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:02] Well, I'd known you for about maybe two or three years and you're like, “Oh, I'm going to learn Mandarin.” I'm like, “Okay man, keep going.” And every day I'm like, “Hey man, can we get on a call?” Or you're like, “Nope, I'm doing Chinese.” So that's dedication by the way. So you got to have that dedication, but I want to know how do you say no collusion in China?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:18] Oh, I got to have to look up collusion, so I don't know. Good question. I'm going to have to -- I might have to learn that. You know, I think one thing I will say is it is all about consistency. I don't study that much. It's probably less than half an hour a day on average. And even then, I skipped plenty of days, but there's a lot of people I meet from years ago that say things like, “So haven't seen in a while.” “Huh! You’re still studying Chinese.” And then when I'm like, “Yep.” They're like, “Wait, what?” “What? You actually stuck with that?” And that's really been the key to being successful in every area. People are shocked when they go, “You've been doing a podcast for 11 years?” “Yeah, I didn't quit like everyone else.” “You've been studying Chinese for six years? “Yeah, I didn't quit like most people do.” “Oh, how do you find time to work out?” I don't actually have to work out that much. I just do it consistently and I don't quit like most people do.” That type of stuff really, it goes a long way. You don't have to have any particular talent. If you're going to be the tortoise, in The Tortoise and the Hare.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:20] This is Feedback Friday. Stick around and we'll get right back to your questions after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:24] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. You got to have your own home on the web. It's just that simple with the ever shifting landscape of social media, people need to be able to find you anytime anywhere, and that's why we recommend HostGator's Website Builder. A lot of entrepreneurs I noticed they, or small business owners in general. Even personal folks, it's like, “Oh, I'm really only on LinkedIn.” “I stopped using social media.” You can easily create a professional looking website without coding. This is what HostGator's Website Builder does. You can choose from over a hundred mobile friendly templates. You need a mobile friendly template, most web traffic is mobile now. It's got to look good on a phone, a tablet, a desktop. You can throw your resume in there, you can throw your artwork in there, whatever it is, hobby stuff, personal stuff, professional stuff. HostGator gives you a bunch of add-ons so you can increase your search engine visibility. You can throw a PayPal link up there to get donations or have people buy stuff from you. Also, it's up 99.9 percent of the time, guaranteed. They've got 24/7, 365 tech support, and last but not least, 62 percent off their packages for new users, go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.

[00:13:32] This episode is sponsored in part by Four Sigmatic. Now this is, these are the mushroom coffee guys. They make mushroom coffee, mushroom tea, mushroom elixir, but the mushroom coffee I particularly like because it doesn't taste like mold, mushrooms which are kind of the same thing.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:48] It doesn’t taste like mushrooms.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:48] And not that any other stuff does, but I kind of expected at first I was like “Mushroom coffee? I'm good.” But I dig it, I heard about this from you, Jason, I think and I started with the mushroom coffee, graduated to some of their elixirs and stuff like that. I still find myself going back to the coffee, especially when I go to conferences and stuff like that. I don't want to drink the old hotel, Holiday Inn express coffee or whatever it is.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:14] Hotel motel Holiday Inn.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:16] Yeah, Hotel motel Holiday Inn coffee. No thanks. So check them out. These guys know what they're doing when it comes to the old mushroom coffee, and they've got a lot of other things for you to try as well. Jason, where can they find it?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:26] I've talked on the show before about their Core Deception Elixir, which I love and I drank before every show, but I've also been trying their Reishi elixir, which you drink before you go to bed at night and gives you some pretty amazing sound sleep. Have you tried this one, Jordan?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:40] I don't think I have.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:41] I think you need to because you sir, need some more sleep.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:45] That’s true.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:45] I'm telling you, you are crazy, man. You work too much. I think you definitely need to check out this Reishi Elixir because it going to give you some of the most sound sleep that you've ever had. And for everybody out there, if you want 15 percent on all orders place on the website, go to foursigmatic.com/jordan. That's F-O-U-R S-I-G-M-A-T-I-C.com/jordan for 15 percent off all orders on the website.

[00:15:09] Thanks for supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors, visit jordanharbinger.com/advertisers. We're rebuilding the show from scratch, so a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice would really help us out. It only takes a minute or two and if you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:29] All right, what's next up?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:31] Hey guys, I'm an engineer for an automotive manufacturer. I'm currently in a middle management position and have been asked to have lunch with a senior executive next week. This executive is not in my organizational structure, but one closely tied to it. Part of my goal is to try to connect with the executive on a personal level that would leave an impression. Any advice would be appreciated. Regards, Not Wanting To Bite Off More Than I Can Chew.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:54] Okay, so there's not a lot to go on on this one. I'm wondering if it's a one on one. It seems a little unusual. Why is a random engineer for an automotive manufacturer randomly having lunch with an executive? So it might be a group lunch, that's fine, but let's assume that we're going to talk about one on one stuff because I don't think you're going to be generating a personal connection to the big group the whole time. You'll try to get them one on one, if you want to develop some rapport. The best thing you can do is keep the first meeting, especially if it's sort of this group setting as informational as possible about their area of expertise, their job, et cetera, and then move into their own career path, and that will inevitably get personal. So here's how it should not sound. “Oh, so you're in charge of quality control, that's interesting. Do you ever play racket ball? I'd love to teach you how to play next time you're in town,” that's too much. It forces them into an awkward position.

[00:16:49] So it should instead be something like this, “So I would like to know how you got into quality control.” “Oh, okay. Where did you go to engineering school?” “Oh, I went to Stanford.” “Palo Alto is really nice in the summer especially. I just took my wife there on a vacation a few years ago. Do you ever go back to visit?” “I hope my kids go there, but they'll need a scholarship. Have you seen the tuition rates there?” “What about you? Do you have any kids?” So in the first example, it's clear you've got some agenda to get personal and it doesn't flow naturally, and this sounds clunky, like nobody does that. No, it happens all the time. There's tons of people in any given busy person's inbox that say things like, “I'd love to take you out for coffee sometime.” “I'd love to hang out.” “I love to make friends with people like you.” Trust me, I know this happens because it happens all the time to me and people that I know. And it forces us into this position where we're like, “Oh well, I love meeting with people but I don't know you.” Right? So this is, it's just too much too soon.

[00:17:43] In the second example, the conversational flow makes total sense. So even in a corporate type of, you can discuss these things because it relates to the topic at hand, the executives career path, which is a perfectly acceptable topic. The key here is not worrying about the personal agenda, especially at first. Then you can get into the personal stuff as a reasonable aside while you're discussing other career related items in the conversation. So this way if the executive thinks things are getting too personal, they can steer the conversation elsewhere easily and it won't be awkward. So they can say, “Uh, I don't travel much actually, so I haven't been back to Stanford. I'm just focused on getting out these new Mustangs ASAP.” “What's the timeline on the redesign?” So they sort of redirect the conversation back to the business stuff, that's fine. Whereas if you go, “Hey, why don't I teach a racquetball next time you're in town, then he or she has to say, “Uh, maybe. Anyway, what's the timeline on the redesign?” And there's a heartbreak, it's awkward. If you take your time building rapport, everyone can sort of calibrate the level of rapport that they want in the conversation, whereas if you rush getting there, they have to break rapport which is super awkward, and then it puts them in a position where they might actually try to avoid you because they feel like they're being weird, but you're the one who has the consequences because now they're going, “Uh, it feel weird when I talked to this guy.” That's going to be a problem for you. So getting this again, The Tortoise and the Hare seems to be a running theme. Get there slowly, but don't worry about getting there at all, really. That's the trick.

[00:19:20] By the way, I found a brilliant take on Skill Stacking on Twitter. This is a concept that Scott Adams who's been on the show before, it talks about the talent stack and Ed Latimore, who was one of our first guests on the Jordan Harbinger Show had a really interesting take on skill stacking, and I'll just read it verbatim. I actually just copied it here for my reference. He said, “I'm about to set the record straight before this turns into one of those annoying but somewhat accurate buzzwords like personal branding.” One, you have to go not as deep but also not as wide. In other words, what he says is the idea here is not to be a dilettante, rather you want to be at least good enough in each area to objectively rank in the top 20 percent, make a living from the skill, be recognized by an independent body and aim to be better than average at a few different things. Two, you need to have a different skill stack than the masses. So when everyone can write copy, tell stories and market online, you don't have a skill stack. You have the bare minimum to get in the door. If everyone in your industry can do a thing, you doing it as well is not a skill stack, it is a prerequisite. Three, a skill stack must contain actual skills. What makes something a skill? Is there an objective way to separate the inferior from the superior? If there isn't, can a jury of peers tell who is better or worse? The more subjective the assessment of an ability, the less likely it is a skill.

[00:20:54] So that has to do with things like let's say paintings or something like that. If you can say this person is objective better than the other person because you have a jury of peers, then yeah, that's a skill. But if it's all sort of subjective, well this is artsy and it's for a unique crowd, blah, blah, blah. It's very niche. The people don't understand it. That it's maybe not a skill, it's maybe more art, doesn't mean there's no market for it. It just means it's not added to your skill stack. Four, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. So what it means here is one plus one must be greater than or equal to three is how he explains it. Most skills can be synergistically combined if they resist combination or amalgamation. It's because they're either not skills, they're not developed enough, you need another skill to bridge the gap, okay? And five, it talks about diversification. The more disparate the skills in your skill stack, the better your chances of success.

[00:21:52] This uniqueness is what allows you to stand out and makes it more difficult for people to compete with you. So if you are a great automotive repair person and you're also really great at painting automobiles, that's great. But if you're a great automotive repair person and you're really great at marketing and promoting car events, you're much more marketable and it's harder to compete with you than it is if you're just really focused on say the mechanics of the situation. And I really liked this tweet, we'll throw the link to this thread in the show notes because skill stacking is great, but we do get a lot of questions about it where people go, “Huh, I don't see how I'm able to leverage this.” And what we found and what Ed Latimore has certainly found is, “Oh wait a minute. This isn't really skills in a lot of cases,” or “They're not good enough at the individual skills. They just have a bunch of random hobbies that they're okay at,” and these are not good skill stacks to have. Does that make sense, Jason?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:52] Totally makes sense. Jordan, what would you think your unique skill stack is?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:56] Right. So it depends on the area, but right now, for example, we're using a skill stack where I'm good at broadcasting, not to toot my own horn, I'm good at the broadcasting part, so I can create a dynamic flow on the show, but I'm also good at studying information and digesting what's practical. So I can go through a book, read the whole thing, highlight what's going to be important or interesting for the audience, and then on top of that, I can teach skills. So I'm going to be good at teaching that in an audio only format to the audience of this show. So that's unique, because a lot of people are great broadcasters. We hear comedy podcasts all the time. They're not good at teaching, they're not good at digesting information. So those three skills put together, create a show that you can listen to, pay attention to, digest, and get something useful from hopefully every single episode. And that is the skill stack that I bring to the table, in my opinion here. It just winging it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:52] Perfect.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:52] What do you think? What's yours?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:53] Mine is, I'm a good storyteller because I was a blogger for eight years, so I know how to tell a story which helps with the editing of the show.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:01] Right. Not like once upon a time, but you cutting pieces together and moving them. Exactly.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:06] Exactly, yes. So when we're listening to these shows, I know how to tell a story and make it useful for the audience. I was a software developer for 20 years, so that skill actually does translate to podcasting because what I brought to the table was my analytical side of things. Because when you're a software developer, all you're doing is testing, testing, testing to figure out what's going to work. So what I bring to the show is what's going to work for us, and we test several different iterations of the show, see what works, and we changed the show as it goes because we get feedback from the audience, we can tell what they like, what they don't like, and then we change things as we go. Those are my two main skills that I bring to this show.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:45] Agree.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:48] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday after this. This episode is also sponsored by Wrangler. Everybody has a favorite pair of jeans. The pair that fits perfectly and always looks great. The pair you wear out at night, at home on the couch, at work, wherever. They're the go to, do not underestimate their importance. No one knows this better than Wrangler, the authority on jeans. Using their expertise and comfort and durability, Wrangler jeans are made for the adventurers, the go getters, folks who like to keep moving, whether you ride a bike, a bronc, or a skateboard, or if you're the type who walks the Earth in search of something. These are the jeans for you. Classic or modern styles, a range of fits at a price that works for you. Vintage rereleases Wrangler has something for everyone. Visit wrangler.com and check out their great selection of jeans, shirts, pants, outerwear for men and women. New styles, great fits. Wrangler, real comfortable jeans.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:40] Oh hey, by the way, if you're down in Australia or New Zealand, I'm actually going to be in Australia in October. I'm going to a conference called We Are Podcast. It's from the 18th to the 20th of October. I'll be speaking there. It's going to be a lot of fun. I love this event. I've gone a couple of times already in the past. This will be I think my third time and We Our Podcast essentially is helping new podcasters, helping the Australian and New Zealand podcast scene. A lot of us, American, Canadian, other folks are going to be down there, and Australia is just an awesome place. If you're looking for a little road trip or a plane trip to be more specific, or a boat trip if you're really ambitious, but we're going to talk about how to stand out in the flood of content that's produced each year. Get your message out to newer and wider audiences. It's just a fun conference run by good people. I'm going to be speaking about how I rebuilt the show from scratch, so we'll be discussing things like building audience. There's going to be stuff on there about hosting interviews. They're going to be all kinds of great stuff there during We Are Podcast, and you can find out more at wearepodcast.com/2018. That's wearepodcast.com/ 2018. It'd be great to see you there if you can make it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:49] Thanks again for supporting the Jordan Harbinger Show. Checking out the sponsors is what keeps us on the air, and for our list of all the discount codes and links that you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/advertisers, and if you have an Amazon Alexa, check out our Alexa Skill. You can get clips from previous shows and your daily briefing. It's completely free. Just go to jordanharbinger.com/alexa, or search for Jordan Harbinger in the Alexa App. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:16] All right, what's next out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:19] Hello Jordan, Jason, and Jen. I'm 23 with a bachelor's in biology, living with my parents and working at Starbucks. I'm really bored. I've got a degree because that's what people do, right? Now, I'm going to school to be an EMT because I'm thinking of applying to physician's assistant school, but thinking of more school is making me feel more sedated, but I'm not entirely sure what I want to do. I'm trying to get out there. I volunteer for the hospital. I joined a boxing gym to meet people and be healthy, and I maintain old friendships. But something feels off, I just feel lost and I feel like I want to escape this bubble of living with the parents, work and school every day. I wanted to join the military or teach English abroad, but I guess I'm afraid that I do all this and come back to the life I wanted to leave. So what's your best advice? Military, enlist or commission as an officer, teach English abroad? Anything else I could consider? Love your work. Love your insight. Signed, Bustin Outta Here.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:14] So I think you should definitely bust out. I think the military might be a little too rigid. You're locked in once you get there, if you don't really know what you want to do and you're just like, “I'm bored, maybe not join the military.” I don't think that's something you do when you're bored, I could be wrong. But I think teaching abroad is great, or volunteering abroad is great, or getting a job abroad is great. You will come back, you're right, you will come back to the life you want it to leave, but you'll come back with more clarity, you'll come back with life experience. You never know what opportunities you'll get over there as well, and it's okay to spend time doing something that's not just in the career you want to gain experience and gain clarity. There's a lot to be said for just breaking the mold and you're stagnant right now, which is why you feel off and you feel bored. You need to kick the rust off, and going abroad to volunteer or teach is a great idea. You'll never regret knowing how to teach a skill, living in a foreign country, learning a language even if you think you'll never use those skills again, but right now for sure you're wasting time and I put that in air quotes. Living with your parents and working at Starbucks, there's a lot more you could do if you're going to be sort of floating around not knowing what to do. I highly recommend floating around not knowing what to do while learning about a foreign culture in a foreign country and gaining some self-confidence and language skills while you're at it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:33] I'd also like to add, if you can't handle working at Starbucks, you're not going to be able to handle the military. So I think that is definitely the wrong choice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:41] Okay, so a lot of people have also been asking me how do I get a mentor? How do I find someone to mentor me? I've talked about this a little bit. I even did a whole video series, if you have me on Instagram @jordanharbinger on Instagram. I did a three part video series on how to ask for a mentor and I put that in air quotes because a lot of it was don't ask people to be your mentor, but a lot of people want a mentor, but they don't know how to get on that person's radar. They don't know how to communicate the right qualities. They don't know how to earn that person's interest or dedication, etc. One of the best ways to do this, and this is not what I put in the video, so there's more there too. One of the best ways is to apply our ABG generosity principle from the Six-Minute Networking course to the mentor relationship. And the Six-Minute Networking course, of course, is at jordanharbinger.com/course.

[00:30:33] But essentially the formula is this. Identify a need that the potential mentor has. So what the mentor has, not what you need them to do for you, what they need. Find a way to fulfill that need in a meaningful way. So let's say somebody is giving a lot of talks on blockchain and their slides are really ugly. Maybe you say, “Hmm, I can help with this presentation and I can help with the visuals and I can do that for free.” So you find a way to fulfill that need, you reach out and you offer that. You build the relationship from there using further generosity, ongoing conversations, updates to this slide deck, whatever it is, and then you direct the social capital that you build there to mentorship. So you're helping them with their slides, you helping them with their blockchain presentation, you're helping them get the message across. Maybe you make a couple of cool animations and videos, and you help them rehearse the presentation or you help them work out some of the kinks on that stuff. Then you say, “Look, I'm really trying to get into graphic design. I know you're not a graphic designer, but what kind of design are people looking for?” “What do you think we'll be good at with us?” Or “I know you're a blockchain expert. How would somebody like me with mediocre design shops but a high interest in blockchain, where would I get started with this?” That kind of thing. Now they're going, “Oh, well I'm down to help this person because they're helping me and they've already done so. So that kind of example, the blockchain is actually a real example with the slides.

[00:32:00] Now I've done that person a real solid making the sides, now we're in touch. The relationship began with pure value. I'm now in a better position to ask that person questions here and there, feel out their interest in fielding those, and you don't have to say, “Will you be my mentor?” That's kind of like the walking up to a girl or whatever in middle school and being like, “Will you'd be my girlfriend?” And they're like, “Mm, okay.” That doesn't mean anything, nothing changes. So that's one idea that might be useful, creating that foundation for the mentor, mentee relationship by applying generosity and that no expectation of anything in return type of investment. And the other thing here is you really have to be careful not to get upset, disappointed, frustrated. If you help someone with something and then they don't want to answer all of your questions and hang out with you all of the time.

[00:32:48] Labeling a relationship as a mentor relationship, it's not necessary, it's not helpful. It really puts the relationship if any, up on kind of a weird pedestal that it doesn't need to be on. Mentoring can be a layer to our relationship. It doesn't have to define the entire relationship. So I don't know if other people agree with that, but I thought these were interesting thoughts and I've seen this in my inbox a lot. You don't need a quote unquote mentor to play this monolithic role for us. The better approach is just to build good relationships with good people, invest in them generously and without expecting or being attached to something in return and then enjoy the many benefits such as friendship, professional help, emotional support, whatever mentorship that they might provide. In a way, I feel like I'm a mentee to every single one of my friends and colleagues whenever they have something to teach me, which is often. So it's a two way street, it's nothing formal, and the way to do it is to lead with value. Jason, what do you think? How did I do there?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:50] I think you nailed it because you know, over the years, whenever I see somebody that has a problem and I have an answer, I try to give value back and just help them out. And the one thing that really stuck with me is, one of my best friends in the world now is Joi ITO from the MIT Media Lab. And over the years I helped him with his blogging, I helped him with his writing, I helped him with a bunch of stuff and never asked for anything in return. And every time I needed something I never even had to ask for it, and he came back to me and helped me out. So I think that that giving value is the only way to really get like that mentor relationship in place. Because for me, I mean it's been so fulfilling to have people in my life that he's introduced me to, and never asked for a thing, but only giving value is what caused that relationship to happen.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:41] Right on. Good point. What's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:43] Hey, Js. I work a factory job in Michigan and your podcast gets me through the day. I regularly work 10 hours a day, and I've listened to every episode, sometimes more than once. I've struggled for a while now with my place in life. I'm 23. I sent a sense of pattern here with 23 year olds, and I've been through a year of college and have no direction. I've acquired a passion for botany and houseplants, it of daydreamed about owning my own shop. The job I currently have pays so well, I can't even entertain the thought of leaving at this point, but I know if I stay here I'll be wasting my time. What are some steps I can take now while I'm making pretty good money to work towards my goals. I already listened to podcasts, but I'm not sure about much else. Any help or guidance is appreciated. Loved the show and thank you both for existing, Bustling For Botany.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:29] Well you're welcome for existing. Thanks for, thanks for thanking us, I don't know. Look, I have contrarian advice when it comes to this. A lot of these guys are all like “Go all in.” “F this, F that.” I don't do that. Start the botany thing is a side hustle, a small one. I'm not sure how you do botany and plants online. I'm sure it's possible. People must order plants online. Scale up the side business through places like Etsy, eBay, maybe even becoming an Amazon seller, get to the point where you can make let's say an extra grand a month doing it after work, doing it on weekends. You don't need to go all in with your own shop and all the risks of that entails. You can possibly even take a part time weekend job in someone else's plant store so that you can learn the business from the inside on someone else's dime and benefit from their years of experience as well as get your own experience under your belt.

[00:36:23] You might not even want to open up your own store by the time you find out what that actually entails. Then once you know how to market, you've worked in the shop and you know the reality of making plants and botany your job, then and only then should you explore leaving your current position and starting something like that on your own. There is a ton of hype online, especially about like “Going all in on the entrepreneurship and business thing.” I think that is terrible advice. Do not give up stability to do something that you don't know enough about right now and that's not making you any money. Yeah, it’s sexy advice to say “Quit your job and go all in.” But it's generally just terrible advice.

[00:37:03] So go piece by piece for now until you're ready to scale up and make the leap, and you'll know when that time comes, when the leap time comes and when the all end time comes because the only thing at that time that will be keeping you from scaling up is time. You've already built the expertise, you've already got the experience, you've already got it done on your own. You can't outsource anything more and then you didn't have to sacrifice your livelihood, your stability, your sanity in the meantime, and then you can jump in because you'll know what you're jumping into. All right, last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:35] I was reading the article on your website about how to forgive people and I thought it was a great insightful read. However it left me questioning about how people can forgive themselves. I'm currently in a situation in which I was wronged over a year ago in a major way, but I've long since forgiven them, but they haven't forgiven themselves and it's put a significant strain on our relationship and them as an individual. Thanks for any help, Asking For A Friend.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:00] Huh? There's something missing from here that's so conspicuous that I can't help but notice.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:06] I thought that too.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:07] Yeah, so all right, first things first. You cannot force people to forgive themselves. You have to be honest about the strain with them. “Look, you haven't forgiven yourself. It's causing strain on our relationship. It's going to end up ruining the relationship more so than the original transgression. You need to see a therapist about this, et cetera.” But I have to assume this is not just a buddy. This has to be a significant other, or it just wouldn't matter that much. Why would a friend be so upset about something? I think if this is your significant other and they cheated on you or something, you need to see a marriage therapist who specializes in infidelity. If that's what this is, of course. And you can go together if need be, but forgiveness is a path that people need to go on alone. Even if they're already on it because they've wronged someone else. You can't say, “Look, I forgive you, so you need to forgive yourself.” It just doesn't work like that. It's no longer about you, it's about their feelings of guilt, which is actually, it sounds like it's about you because it's about guilt, about something they've done to you, but it's really their own guilt. It's what they're doing to themselves. You don't need another person to feel guilty. Sometimes it helps, cute Jewish mothers everywhere, but or just mothers in general everywhere, parents in general. But you don't have to have that, you can beat yourself up and then no one can help. No one can give you permission to forgive yourself, you have to do it on your own.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:29] So here's what I'm getting out of this. If the person has forgiven them, if asking for a friend who has forgiven their friend, their friend is still beating themselves up about whatever the transgression was. I think the other friend hasn't been honest with asking for a friend and there are other transgressions that they haven't actually come out and told them about yet. I think there may, I think it might be deeper than what they're actually copying too, and saying “Yes, yes, okay. So yes, I cheated on you.” “Oh, but I was pregnant and I had an abortion.”

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:03] Oh my God, you went dark hella fast.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:05] Well, that's the only thing I can think of why this other person isn't forgiving themselves when asking for a friend has forgiven them. It feels to me like there is something deeper that they need to find out and why this person isn't forgiving themselves. It can't just be like, “Dude, you stole my car and went to blockbuster and rented like a really bad movie, like 51st Dates.” It can't be something trivial, there's some deep stuff going on here, and I think that asking for a friend needs to dig deeper and figure out why this person isn't forgiving themselves.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:37] That's interesting. You see you got that suspicion going on and you're like, “Wait a minute, they're not forgiving themselves because there's more.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:43] Exactly. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:46] Yeah. You might be right, man. You might be right. All right, so besides getting it all out on the table, what do you recommend in this week?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:52] Well, this comes back to my suspicion because I've been watching a lot of Empire, the show on Fox about the Lyon family. It's a music industry show. It’s funny, we generally don't do fiction when we talk about our recommendations of the week. But this show is Machiavellian in nature about this entire family in the music industry and how they like hate each other but love each other, and it's all about family and stabbing each other in the back, but then hugging it out. It's an insane show. And I only found out about this because my roommate made me watch Martha & Snoop's Show. Have you watched that yet?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:34] No. Wait, what? No, I haven't. Martha --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:38] Oh my God.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:38] And Snoop Dogg.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:40] Yes. Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg have a show on VH1.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:44] Of course, it's on VH1.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:45] They had the cast of Empire on and they made grilled cheese sandwiches and it was glorious, and then we're like, “Oh, we've never seen Empire. Let's watch it.” And ever since then, every waking moment where I'm not sleeping or working, we're watching Empire. This is one of the greatest shows on TV. I cannot recommend it enough. This is up there with the Sopranos and Game of Thrones. It is so good.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:06] I'm still hung up on Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart have a show.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:09] It's awesome. They're on season two right now. You've got to go check it out, man. Martha and Snoop's Potluck Dinner Party.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:15] That's a great name. Oh my gosh. For shizzle. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us at friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. We're happy to keep you anonymous, of course. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout outs to Ankie, Emilie, I think that's how you pronounce it, and Benjamin living in Norway for the summer, and they listened to the Jordan Harbinger Show. Shout out to American Dream University, a charity I work with to help veterans readjust to civilian life and get things moving for them and their businesses. If you're looking for a good charity to support, check them out. American Dream and the letter U.org. I'm also on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. I post a lot of other sort of Feedback Friday-ish answers there, and Jason, where can you be found on the interwebs?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:08] You can find me @jpd.me, and you can check out my other podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. For more information on that show, go to gog.show for how to subscribe.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:16] All right, keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Remember, try to keep them concise if you can. It really increases the chances your question that’ll get answered on the air, and share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Got a lot more in the pipeline. Very excited for some of the stuff we got coming up. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

[00:43:39] If you'd like to show, you might like Spike’s Car Radio, join writer, comedian, and automotive enthusiast, Spike Feresten, each Wednesday, here at PodcastOne. Spike hangs out with his pals like Jerry O'Connell, Wade Eastwood, and Jerry Seinfeld, and they taught cars. It's a humorous roundtable discussion about the latest car news and advice for new and classic car buyers. So download Spike’s show each week on PodcastOne or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.