Jordan (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason (@jpdef) are back to banter every week and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show!
If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now, let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Having multiple dreams to pursue can feel like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Do you have to settle on one page’s outcome, or can you cut and paste your way to happiness?
- Do you really want to travel for a month with a spiteful, knife-wielding grump who begrudges the good fortune of his peers and is loath to follow the sacred A-Team pledge to “never leave a man behind” when hiking in the wilderness?
- How does Jordan read so much in order to prep for podcast guests?
- How does an immigrant struggling to understand American culture make meaningful connections in a small town? Would living in a bigger city make things easier?
- Can you accurately gauge whether or not someone’s romantically interested in you purely by text messaging?
- What’s the next level for a relationship between two people whose core values don’t even come close to aligning?
- Why should the most ambitious person in a relationship be expected to make all the sacrifices?
- Recommendation of the Week: Voyeur
- Quick shoutouts to Isabelle Yong and Max Rooke!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger, and check out Jason’s (@jpdef) other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. You can also find him on Instagram at JPD.
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Resources from This Episode:
- Irvine Welsh and Robert Carlyle on Begbie, The Blade Artist
Transcript for How to Travel with Grumps | Feedback Friday (Episode 8)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I’m your host, Jordan Harbinger. I’m here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Of course, Feedback Friday. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, as much as we love having conversations with our fascinating guests, our primary purpose is really to pass along their and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you and that’s what we’re going to do today, here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us, before I forget, email@example.com. Delete any other Friday addresses you might have that you think reach us. You can reach us the firstname.lastname@example.org. Just remove the other one from your contact list. I will never see it. We’ve been hard at work over here, man. Real hard at work, Jason, you know this.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:00:45] Yes, I do.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:46] Crushing down episodes. you’ve been editing out “uhms” like it’s your job, because it’s your job.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:00:49] It’s unfortunately my job. Sanderson is here in spirit. Yes, but I got to say, man, the fan response to us, getting back to Feedback Friday was incredible. I’ve been getting so many like DMs and texts and just little messages here and there from people that are like, “We’re so glad this show’s back.” I was so surprised that they were that invested in Feedback Friday, for legal reasons, obviously.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:14] I don’t think it’s for law — come on! But it is. But it is.. But it is.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:01:18] And so it really warmed my heart. I was really happy that they really dug this show so we’re going to keep doing them I guess. It’s why you keep paying me.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:25] Yeah, well that’s not really why, but yes you’re right. But yeah, we’ve gotten a lot of support via Instagram, @jordanharbinger on Instagram. On Twitter, the new Twitter — @jordanharbinger on Twitter. Of course in our inbox, email@example.com and in the Friday inbox, firstname.lastname@example.org. Send everywhere else online people have been telling their friends, helping spread the word about the new show and that has been pretty damn cool if you ask me. So really thank you. If you’re just finding us, but you were a fan of the other show, welcome home. And if you’re a new fan, welcome home as well. You might not know. You might not think, you might not think this is your favorite show, but we’re on a mission. We are to make it that. All right, so we got some fun ones. We got some doozies. I can’t wait to dive in. Jason, what’s the first thing out of the mailbag?
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:02:08] Hey Jordan. I’m originally from Melbourne, Australia and moved abroad for the first time after recently turning 30. I’m living in Berlin for a year and I’m loving the experience. It’s even reinspired, the dormant filmmaker in me to actively get back in touch with my dreams and make a trashy feature length film based in Berlin. I’m glad your dreams were a trashy feature length film.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:28] Oohh, trashy German movies, continue.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:02:30] Four years ago, I made one of my own short films and it completely burnt me out. The film sucked. And everything else in my life fell apart and it led me to an all time rock-bottom low. I took a solid break from my aspirations. I let my hair down, drank a lot, made new friends, and then along with a few more bumps on the roller coaster ride, I kind of found my feet. Just before leaving for Berlin, I developed a nice work-life balance, a cushy Airbnb sublet operation as my own boss and nice boyfriend of two years with a gorgeous cat. Heaps of time for friends, eating out, video games, bike rides, TV shows, going to the gym, contemplating life and frequent trips down to our favorite natural hot springs. Sounds like she landed on her feet for sure.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:10 ] This is before leaving for Berlin, but I can already tell where this is going. She’s not satisfied with this because she feels like she should be, but she’s not. I guess that’s where this is going. Continue.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:03:22] But now I’ve technically taken a step backwards for this move abroad, so I’m back to working full time giving me not exactly enough time to give my dreams the full practical attention they would require. I want to chase my dreams, but I feel not the slightest bit primed for it and I need your help. Do I stop being so precious about myself? Get focused on the idea, surrender myself to any pain and growth necessary, extended my German visa, ditch my highly domesticated boyfriend and pray. I somehow hit the nail on the head with this project in all other areas in life.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:56] No, no, you don’t. Continue with the other option.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:03:58] Do I go back to what I know at home? Spend a few years ramping up another Airbnb project or similar, and turn that into my source of passive income before moving onto my passions freely and autonomously.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:08] Probably also no, but keep going.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:04:11] Do I go back home? Work on some other ideas I have for YouTube instead and kind of fall back into a mix of that comfortable life I had with a stable foundation to experiment with some smaller-sized growth for now.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:21] I’m impressed with the amount of options that she feels that she has. Keep going.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:04:25] Or is there some other life lesson I’m just not seeing? I sense I might be using all this indecision to keep myself shy, self-contained and resisting the river of life. With much anticipation, shooting through the dark.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:38] So I do actually sense that this is a bunch of indecision used to keep herself in a box, self-contained as she puts it, resisting the river of life. There’s a lot of options here that provide a living. I’m impressed by that. Most people don’t think, “Well, I’ve got all these different things I can do.” Most people are stuck in a different way. So she’s creating, shooting through the dark is creating a paradox of choice for herself by saying, “I have so many things I could be doing.” And also within, did you notice Jason, within each of these options, she kind of put a little landmine like, “Oh, do I just not worry about it? I get focused on the idea, ‘Oh and I have to ditch my boyfriend of two years.’ Wait, what? Why?” Yeah. Or I can do all this other stuff on that.
[00:05:15] Or, but then I have to pray that everything else comes together. Wait, why is that the plan? Why is that what you have to do? So I would say, first of all, great question. A lot of people deal with this. Not only is it a paradox of choice, but it’s a paradox of security. You want stability, but you really don’t want the path to stability because you’re too young or you’re too ambitious and you’ve got these other things you want to do. There’s some entrepreneur blood in there for sure because otherwise she’d be satisfied with what she mentioned earlier, which is the cushy Airbnb sublet, I don’t know if she said video games. I feel like I heard video games, some time for friends, hanging out.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:05:49] Yeah, there are some video games in there and the thing about that is most people would be like, “Hey, jackpot, that sounds like the best thing ever.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:55] Right. But since I know she listed it because she’s not satisfied with it, and I would say that you do have that entrepreneur blood shooting through the dark. You got to try it out. You’ve got to experiment with it because there’s never going to be a better time for you to try something new. You’re not married, you don’t have any kids. You don’t have to ditch your boyfriend. I don’t know where that, why is that in there? That just seems like she’s like, “No, no, really. I’m gonna break up with this guy.”
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:06:18] I think he’s back in Australia and she’s in Berlin, so…
Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:21] Okay. Gotcha. All right, well still, that seems like she just added that in there because she wants my permission to say, “Go ahead and break up with him. Fine, go ahead. I don’t care.” It’s not me.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:06:31] That’s it. That’s what she was looking for. She was fishing, fishing for your permission.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:35] Yep. Go ahead. Go ahead and break up. Break up with anything that you feel is keeping yourself contained, but don’t blame him. It’s not his fault. You know, it’s like a couch that you kept for too long.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:06:44] Especially don’t blame the cat.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:46] Yeah. Don’t blame the cat. Relationships though, I want to caveat this. You don’t have to ditch your boyfriend. Relationships are actually more important when you’re doing the entrepreneur thing because they may be your only source of stability for a while. So as much as I don’t like people that anchor us, it might be good for you to have one thing in your life that’s really stable and predictable, or stable and has an income, and stable and treats you well emotionally and doesn’t have their own wildcards go on all the time because you might be in a rough place and if you’ve got somebody who’s willing to put up with you while you’re in that rough place, I don’t know if cutting them out of your life is a great strategy, but only you can make that decision.
[00:07:26] I can’t tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes, I’d go for broke. Stability will wait. But when I get in nature an idea, I have to go for it. And that’s why we have the Jordan Harbinger Show, which is brand new instead of just becoming, I don’t know, an online email marketer or going back to law or starting an Instagram, trying to become a celebrity there. I don’t know. I do what I love. That was a great time to start over and take risk. So where you are right now shooting through the dark, you’ll never have less responsibility than you have right now. You get a property, you get married, you have a kid, forget it. Right now’s a great time to take a risk. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:07:57] Kiarra from New Zealand. I’m in a bit of a pickle. First up, I’m very lucky to have an all around great bunch of friends that I would describe as very open minded and inclusive of all types of people.
[00:08:11] A group of friends and I have recently booked a lad’s trip to Europe over their summer, but the organizer of this trip unintentionally invited a problem along. Let’s call him Grumpy. Grumpy lives with two of my close friends who are also coming on the trip. I’ve always made a genuine effort to try my best to get along with Grumpy despite him not reciprocating in his antisocial behavior. As a group, we try to always be inclusive of Grumpy as we know he has no other friends outside of his flat.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:37] Well, that’s a good sign. Yeah, really.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:08:39] Quite a few of us are worried about Grumpy coming on the trip as short weekend trips in the past have been hard work with him to say the least. Grumpy has a very negative attitude. He’s not tolerant of other people and at times, embarrassingly downright rude. Well, normally I try not let this bother me.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:08:56] I’m aware that going away overseas with him for a month will be taxing.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:00] A month? Oh my God. Yeah. Holy cow! No thanks.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:09:04] I’m lucky to have traveled overseas and I’m aware of the ups and downs we will go through. However Grumpy has never traveled overseas before.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:11] Oh no! And he’s going to go for a month for his first time? Oh man, trouble.. Yeah.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:09:17] As you’re aware, traveling overseas to foreign countries, especially with a group is going to come with challenges in situations that will require a tolerance and compromise. This is going to be quite an issue for our group. In the past, on our much shorter weekend trips, Grumpy has been challenging. A few examples. When hiking in the mountains, Grumpy would leave the group behind while the rest of us would stick together and stay behind to help the slower person that was struggling. When going out for a night out on the town, he would carry a knife in his pocket, which in our country is classed in as defensive weapon and is illegal. Whoops! Wow. Yeah. Okay. Let’s bring the felon with us. Always complaining with a very negative attitude, not tolerant of people in situations and the list goes on and on and on. This has led to issues in the past where Grumpy has pretty much ruined the group trips. He’s older than the rest of the group, in his late twenties so not much hope of things changing for the better. I don’t know, you can always change your tiger stripes there.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:09] Yeah, it won’t happen then the three days before the trip though, I’ll tell you that.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:10:14] Yeah, seriously it’s definitely not going to happen three weeks into the trip when you’re all broke and hungry and have to deal with this guy. I try to get along with him and tolerate his behavior as do most in our group. However, I’m aware that this will be a long trip and stressful at times. We’re not sure how to manage his behavior without rocking the boat or being mean about it. Is it worth us approaching him about our concerns in a genuinely well-meaning way? I was wondering if you can give us some tips or advice on how to handle this. My hope is that this trip will help him out of his bumble many thanks. The Flying Kiwi.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:45] Hey, Flying Kiwi. Wow. This guy’s a disaster on wheels. Sounds terrible. And I tried to read between the lines for redeeming qualities and they just coming up pretty dry over here. Seriously, you’ve got to have a sit down and you got to have brutal honesty with this guy before you book flights and pay for stuff. By the way, not after everyone’s pitched in and you’ve got the logistics. If he knows the score and he knows everyone’s like, “Hey, Grumpy. You can’t be a dick to everybody. You can’t pull a knife on people. You can’t mooch. You can’t, duh, duh, duh duh.” He may opt out himself and he look, he might not, he might also go along, but then you can stick up for yourselves on the trip and he can’t act surprised, right? It sounds like he’s got either a real problem like he’s on the spectrum in a way and also is not socialized well because it wouldn’t just be the one and not the other or he’s actually got some serious sort of emotional damage and issues that he’s dealing with.
[00:11:42] But bear in mind, we train people how to behave around us. You’ve put up with this guy for a long time so he knows he can get away with this BS. And if it gets really bad, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if it gets really bad you can ditch them overseas. Look, and I don’t mean like leaving in Thailand. No, no, no, no, no. I don’t mean like leaving them in Thailand or something. But as long as you’re upfront about this, you tell them why and you’re in a safe place. You can say, “Look man, you can’t hang out with us on the rest of this trip. You’re pissing everybody off. You’re really ruining it for everyone.” And you’ve got to tell them early before you go, “We will not tolerate this. We will not tolerate this.” And then when he breaks the rules, then you can tell him and he can’t act like you’re changing the rules on him in the middle of the trip.[00:12:22] There’s zero reason that someone should know what they do wrong and still get away with it. It’s a guys trip. You’re all adults. You’re not a babysitter. If he chooses to come along, he has to behave himself. He’s not just annoying right now. He’s actually a danger to you guys. If he gets into a confrontation with someone abroad, he pulls a knife or he just acts like a prick to people around you on the trip. He’s going to totally preempt your enjoyment. He’s going to possibly get you in trouble with the law or worse. So get the group together and do not chicken out of talking to him well in advance of the trip. Do not chicken out, you’ll regret it. The best thing you guys can do is get ahead of this because you know, he’s going to act up. He’s done it every other time. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do not forget that.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:13:08] You know, Grumpy sounds to me like Begbie from Trainspotting. I don’t know if you’re a Trainspotting fan.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:12] I don’t know who that is.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:13:13]Oh, Begbie was the one character in the group who, you know, always had a knife, always got in fights, was the troublemaker and it was the older person in the group. This guy, just totally Grumpy sounds like Begbie from Trainspotting. So if you haven’t seen Trainspotting, definitely check it out because maybe he can take some lessons from the movie as well. But everything you said is spot on. Definitely. You gotta get ahead of this because, man, that sounds like a horror trip.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:36] Yeah. And I’m kind of getting the impression that they’re just inviting him out of pity because he’s one of the guys’ roommates. This is not a good situation. You’re taking on all kinds of personal and emotional responsibility for a man-child that’s going to ruin what could be the best month of your life. Seriously. So your choice. Have a tough conversation or risk the entire trip and it’s really your choice.
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Jason DeFillippo:: [00:16:44] Hi, Jordan. Do you really read all of your podcast guest books from cover to cover? I would imagine it would be difficult to ask the kind of sharp questions that you regularly throw at guests if you haven’t delved deep into the written materials. How do you find the time to do this given the frequency of your shows? Do you use some kind of speed reading techniques? I tried using such techniques to read, but some of them became more of a hindrance instead. At my best form, I can read roughly one book a week amidst all the daily distractions. How can I devour books at the rate you’re going without losing the comprehension that you’ve seemingly achieved? Cheers, Trying To Keep Up.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:20] So there’s one line in this that caught my attention. He said, “I can read roughly one book a week amidst all the daily distractions.” Well, I don’t have those. I mean of course I do, I have a ton of those.
[00:17:33] But what I also have our blocks on my calendar that say, “Read this book” and it has the book title and I can’t just read a random book and it starts when it starts, and it ends when it ends. In the meantime, I’m outside walking with Audible playing the book in my ear. So I’m not getting emails,[00:17:50] I’m not getting instant messages, I’m not checking other things. I’m not at a restaurant, I’m not trying to distract myself with something else or fight distraction. I’m outside walking. It’s a skill that I feel pretty confident in. It doesn’t require a lot of cognitive power and I read and if I’m reading it 2X, which is generally really, that’s pretty slow. A lot of people can read at 5X audio, but I can only read it about 2, 2.5 max in a book on a topic I’m familiar with. I can plow through the whole book in a couple of days, spending half the day reading, and that’s the bulk of what I do to prepare for the show other than some of the other research I do on the guest and things that I assigned to other members of the team here. So yes, I read everything. I use Audible.[00:18:33] Audio books are slower than reading by sight for almost everyone, but I know that I can’t focus without listening to the audio. So that’s why I prefer it. I also like to read while I’m outside, like I said, so I’m basically getting exercise while I do the show prep and I take notes on my phone while I’m reading and I don’t always finish books, but I do 90 percent of the time. If I don’t finish, it’s usually not a function of time. It’s usually because I lost interest or the last third of the book has all kinds of scientific footnotes and studies that I just don’t need. But I spend the majority of my time reaching out to people in my network doing show prep. So I’m able to devote tons of time to each guest. And in the end, Jason, Jen, the whole team here, we dedicate a huge amount of time to show prep. To do otherwise would really be a waste of time because I can’t expect you all to listen. I can’t expect you all to share and help us rebuild the Jordan Harbinger Show if the content isn’t everything you want it to be and more. And the only way to keep that A+ quality is to prepare better than we ever have before in the history of all the shows that I’ve hosted. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do. So other than that sort of intense dedication, there really is no secret. There really isn’t. You’ve just got to set up the time and you’ve got to do it. All right, next out.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:19:45] Hi Jordan and Jason. I live in Raleigh, North Carolina. Moved here four years ago to go to university. I graduated last year from NC State — Woo! Go Wolfbacks! — and now have a cool job in IT, a nice apartment, good salary, and basically everything an average guy would desire. I’m 30 from Eastern Europe and I’ve been living in the US for the past 10 years. I still got a little bit of an accent. It’s not much, but people can tell. I’m single and have been for almost two years now. I’m not sure if this area is more conservative or if it’s just people aren’t used to immigrants from other parts of the world. It’s been really hard for me to connect with people, especially when it comes to meeting girls. The reason is, I feel like I come from a different background since I didn’t grow up here and probably don’t understand the US culture and how to be around gals from the US. I’m at that time in my life where I want to move to a bigger city like Chicago or L.A. where there are more people from all over the world. Possibly to increase the likelihood of meeting someone special.
[00:20:40] Is this all stupid or do you guys see foreigners struggling with this all the time? I feel like I shouldn’t care too much about what people think or assume and just be myself, but it’s easier said than done, especially if I’m trying to integrate into local communities. Any tips or recommendations are appreciated. Thank you. And best of luck. Single In A Strange Land.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:59] Right? Well, I feel your pain here. I’ve definitely been single and been a foreigner in a lot of different countries. This is super common. I actually got my start coaching social skills, which I don’t really do as much of course these days as you all know, but I got my start doing that. There was a guy named Juergen from Germany at the gym that I worked out at in college and I remember him telling me how hard it was to date in America. And he would tell me all these things he would do on his dates and I was like, “Oh, my God, you’re terrible at this.” He went to, Jason, one of the stories, this is really ridiculous. He went to, I think like Applebee’s with a woman on a date. And bear in mind, he was not a college student.
[00:21:38] He’s like a full grown man and she’s there and he realizes that Applebee’s isn’t that nice. And so during the date he goes, “You know what, I don’t want to pay for this.” And she’s like, “What?” And he goes, “I’ll pay for my meal, but I don’t want to pay for yours.” And she was like, “Okay.” And then he’s like, “Yeah, she won’t call me back.” And I was like, “Dude, what are you talking about? Why would you pay for your own meal, not hers?” And he explained to me, which I already kind of knew about because I lived in Germany for a year, that in European, especially German culture, you treat someone else when it’s a special occasion. But he felt like Applebee’s wasn’t that special. So he didn’t want to insult her by treating her because then she would think he was cheap. And I was like, “Guess what happened on your date?”[00:22:19] And he was like, “Dude, I had no idea. My God!” He was freaking out. He had no clue that that made him look that way. So I thought that was kind of a funny story and he was full, not just him, but all these foreign guys that I started helping out because he was part of those foreign student groups and he was telling me, “Oh my friend, Jordan, knows stuff about dating and just teaching me all this stuff.” So he used to tell this group of foreign guys just the most basic stuff about dating women in America, and this was the Genesis of the former company. If you come from the old show, this is the Genesis of that company. And I taught hundreds of foreign guys and gals, networking and social skills. So your concerns are real here, Single In A Strange Land. Smaller towns are harder.[00:22:57] More cosmopolitan cities will definitely be easier because you’ll be considered interesting and not just a strange foreign guy, at least to some people. And you can’t change those around you, but you can change your environment. And if you change your environment to a place where people are a little bit more open, a little bit more interested in adventure, which is who moves to bigger cities, you will have better luck. And in this case, it’s not escapism because you will objectively have an easier time in a bigger and more international city. Usually when people ask, “Should I move?” I’ve got to ask myself, is this escapism from where they are? Are they going to just take their problems with them? In your case, I’m not so sure. I think now’s a great time for that sort of adventure and there will never be a better time where you have less responsibility and complexity than you do right now. So I say go for it, man. Move to a bigger town and get into it.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:23:52 ] You know somebody who has experience in Raleigh, North Carolina, I used to date a girl there. Yeah, it’s a great town. It is for North Carolina, it is about as metropolitan as you can get, but let’s just say it’s not that metropolitan. And I think you’re definitely going to be happier in a bigger city. Come to Chicago. We’re fantastic here. L.A., same. Yeah. Raleigh. Probably not the best place for you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:13] Yeah, I would say that there’s a good chance that it’s too small of a town for you, so good advice, Jason. Next up.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:24:19]Hi guys. About a year and a half ago, a dear friend of mine, let’s call her, Samantha, moved across the country to pursue her Master’s Degree. Since then, we’ve been in near constant contact via a group chat between myself, Samantha, and a third friend.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:33] She’s not into you. Next. I’m just kidding, but I have a feeling that’s where this is going. But yeah, go ahead. Continue.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:24:40 ] These almost daily conversations are fun and light, usually revolving around some combination of dirty jokes and memes, but when I send her a private text, which I tried to do at least once or twice a week, it falls flat. These vapid exchanges usually don’t go any deeper than — what classes are you taking? or how’s the weather? or I read this book and you should too. This frustrates me because when we speak on the phone, which is far less often than I’d like, thanks to our schedules, the conversation is full of witty banter, intellectual discussion in occasional deep dives in a very personal subject matter and these calls can go on for hours. Why can’t I recreate that connection when we text. I realized in the group text that I use our third friend as a sort of mediator to keep the conversation fresh and fun, but I don’t know why it gets awkward in the private chats with the person I’ve been friends with for half a decade.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:25:29] She still has a year and a half before she graduates and in that time, I’d like to further develop or at the very least maintain our friendship. Any advice on having a deep, meaningful conversation via text? We’d had a fling in the weeks before she left for grad school and we both ended up developing feelings we weren’t prepared for. Due to the distance, we decided not to pursue a relationship. This baggage in our past hasn’t seemed to impact our friendship, but I’m very cautious not to do or say things that may be interpreted as me having a hidden agenda. While it would be great if something developed between us in the future, if we found ourselves in the same city again, for example, right now I just want to build and maintain the friendship using the only means available while she’s in school, which is text. Thanks. In Need of Textual Healing.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:13] All right, I see what you did there. Good name. Look, in this one, there’s a few things going on. The first thing that comes to mind, well, Aw man! Let me just deconstruct this a little bit. So am I just old? Do people not talk on the phone that much anymore? I mean, what? No. Okay. So voice messages, if you want to send something like that via text is fine, but text is just by nature, a limited medium. It’s asynchronous. It’s not happening at the same time. Skilled writers have huge advantages over unskilled writers, which is I think their third friend who’s “keeping the conversation fresh,” I think he’s probably a skilled writer and Textual Healing is less skilled. So I’m not sitting next to you. I can’t tell if you’re bland. I can’t really tell if she’s not that interested or if she’s just keeping you at arm’s length because she doesn’t want to catch feelings again.
[00:27:00] I’m going with the latter though. I think she’s probably busy. She’s trying to protect her emotions. Maybe you can do the same. That said, if you really want to stay connected, texting isn’t going to be ideal. It’s not as much of a connection. It’s not as much of an investment emotionally and obviously even if it were a really good means of communication, it’s not working for you at all right now, so try calling her. I know you said that, “Oh, I can’t — my schedules.” I know you’re worried about this. Here’s the thing, if you try calling and she doesn’t want to chat, she’s not interested, done. There’s no point sticking to text because you think you might have a better chance at getting a response because you’re just delaying the inevitable. If she really wanted to prioritize your friendship or your romance or whatever, she would make time to talk to you by phone.[00:27:46] It doesn’t matter how busy she is. If you’re being relegated to text, you’re on that level of priority, which is low. I get it though. This is like procrastinating, asking your boss for a raise because he might say no, but try this because it’s better in my opinion to figure out where you stand and the best way to do that is to put yourself up for a bit of risk and then find out. So sure you might have to learn the hard way, but it’ll be better than not knowing at all. So stop towing the line and walking on this little tight rope here. Just figure out what it is that you want and then test and see if that’s what she wants. But I have a feeling that she sees you as a friend and nothing more. And I feel like that’s fine. I feel like you say you’re fine with that, but I don’t really believe you, from your letter here. So good luck, Textual Healing. I would say your best bet is to test out this situation and probably just move on. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:28:36] Hey, I’ve been listening to your other show for a couple of years now and I really think in the long run that change will be positive. In my opinion, building the brand around your name as opposed to a self-help gimmick is more beneficial. I’d be more likely to recommend a show called the Jordan Harbinger Show than the other name, just based on how some people get defensive when you would recommend self-help or something along those lines. In time, I think you’ll surpass the old shows numbers and be better off for it. Anyway, on to my dilemma.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:03] Of course I know my problems and you know, I just want to make a quick note. He didn’t say the name of the other show. He literally wrote the other show, the old one. I love that. It is like the show shall not be named.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:29:15] Yeah, the show that will not be named. All right. Let’s go to his dilemma. On your show in the past, you’ve always stressed the importance of filtering in and out the right types of people into your life. I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now, but I’ve always been hesitant to take things to the next level just simply based on lifestyle differences. She’s a homebody and I’m an outdoors-y adventure sports guy and I often travel far and wide for these experiences. She’s expressed a desire to take things to the next level and “go official and exclusive,” but I’m hesitant because she’s not what I look for and it’s important to me that the person I’m with have similar values. This being said, I never voiced these concerns to her. She’s a giant sweetheart and a beautiful girl and she doesn’t have that many friends because she just recently moved to the area. Should I voice these concerns and give her the opportunity to shift to more of a lifestyle that’s in line with my own to make this work? Or is it not worth the trouble? I don’t like the idea of trying to change somebody, but in this case, where do you draw the line? Thanks, Adventure Man.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:17] Okay. So first of all, there’s no chemistry between him and this other girl. Nope. At all. I’ve always been hesitant to take things to the next level simply based on lifestyle differences. No, you’ve been hesitant to take things to the next level because you’re not that into her. She’s a giant sweetheart and a beautiful girl and she doesn’t really have any friends. Does that sound like somebody you talk about with love in your eye? No. There’s no chemistry here at all. None. Zero. So with that note, the difference between trying to change someone and trying to get someone to open up to new ideas and experiences, there’s a big gap there. Trying to change someone, trying to get someone to try something new. Okay, fine. Is she open to this stuff at all the outdoorsy stuff or is she resistant? Is she resistant out of fear or is she resistant out of a lack of interest?
[00:31:02] If she’s resistant, see why. If it’s all out of fear, maybe she needs encouragement, courage, a little bit of a push. If she’s resistant because she’s not interested at all in the activity, you have to see if the adventure travel stuff is a core value in your life that you can’t sacrifice. Because if she’s not interested in the same things as you, and it’s not just fear of the unknown, you’ve got a tough choice to make. It sounds like she’s really interested in you and you’re a nice person so you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Like you said, she doesn’t have that many friends. That was my key there. But if your core values don’t match up well, this is doomed to failure. So you got to see if the activity thing is a core value for you. I also think she might be more interested in you than you in her because she’s new in town and she’s counting on you for social connection and support, which by the way is a recipe for disaster.[00:31:52] That is an inevitable implosion because she’s sort of chasing you and you’re trying to separate from her. So what’s going to happen is you’re going to get further away and she’s going to run faster essentially. So you better get ahead of this or it’s going to cause you both just a lot of hurt in the future. In the very near future too. And also for the future, make a list of core values that you’re absolutely not willing to sacrifice and you’ve got to write these down. Write it down in a place you’ll see it and you’ll be able to reference it. I don’t mean writing down you prefer redheads or whatever that, I mean real core values. Really think about what you love doing and being and what your partner must have — spirituality, beliefs about health, beliefs about money, that kind of stuff.[00:32:33] This list should be short so you don’t end up with an impossible task ahead of you, but it should serve as a reminder of what matters deeply to you so that you don’t find yourself in this type of situation ever again. And this will allow you to choose who you want to be with rather than allowing circumstances and frankly, yourself imposed guilt trip to dictate who you end up with. You need to choose who you want to be with, not who you end up with. And it sounds like you’re headed for the latter in this scenario. So good luck. All right, next.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:33:03] Hey, Jordan and Jason. I’m 32 and I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for a little over two years. The problem is that he lives in a small town about an hour away. We’ve made things work by seeing each other two or three times a week. In the beginning, I really pushed to see him more, hinting that I’d like to live together and things like that. We’ve discussed living arrangements on numerous occasions, but the ending is always him saying, “When our leases are up, we’ll figure it out. We both want to live together so we’ll make it happen.” I’ve been a hairstylist with the same company for 13 years. Well, I can move anywhere and have a good career. I recently transferred within the company to a more prominent location and have been succeeding exponentially. Since I’m doing so well, I’ve made it very clear that I would not be the one moving to him.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:46] Good for you. Good for you by the way.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:33:49] Yeah. Stand up for it. He works basically retail and doesn’t really have any career goals or ambitions that I’m aware of, which means in his words, he “cannot afford to live up here.” His solution, “I move down there and commute an hour a day each way.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:03]Uhhh…nope.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:34:04] And in her words, “Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, and no.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:08] Yeah, super selfish. This guy.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:34:12] Yeah. Oh, it gets better. The other problem is that he has four cats. Yeah, I know. And I have a dog. No one where I live will rent to someone who has five pets. Basically, it’s a two-pet max in this area. I’ve checked. He said on several occasions that he won’t get rid of any of the cats. I’m not a monster that expects him to drop them off at a kill shelter, but he has lots of family close by. His solution to this problem: We should buy a place. Yet neither of us are close enough to making enough to do that. Again, I’m 32 and I want a family and children. I want to be moving towards those goals, not just maybe one day magically have enough financial stability to pull it off. I feel like this might be a problem of mismatched priorities and values. He’s a great guy and has been there for me through a lot. Is it time to let go or time to try harder on my part to work out a solution? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. Harsher kind. Let me have it. Thanks, Wants Kids, Not Cats.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:08] All right, so these sound like real issues for you guys and it sounds like he is doing nothing to try and solve these problems. His solution is you do a bunch of extra work and be super inconvenienced by this because I don’t want to have to move even though you have the career that’s actually going somewhere and I don’t. No, thanks. That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t have any ambition. He doesn’t have any career momentum, but yet he won’t move to you even though you do have those things? Come on. He uses the cats as an excuse so his solution is that you spend 90 minutes a day commuting. So he doesn’t have to make any lifestyle changes. It sounds like a child, this is somebody who might’ve been there for you, but he is absolutely not prioritizing you. And I understand the logistical dilemma here, but in any relationship, both people have to work hard to make things work right.
[00:36:00] And it seems like he won’t budge at all, but he expects you to do all the work. That is what your relationship might end up being. So look at that ugly burned yellow picture and think about that forever. Because if you move and you end up living together and you’ve got your commute, do you think that solves the — that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s selfish, or at least he’s not thinking of you at all. That’s the problem. The problem is not a logistical one. So you have to ask yourself if you’re okay being the person who always has to sacrifice, and it sounds like you’re not because you’ve got this big promotion and you don’t feel like dealing with that. If you’re not the one who’s always willing to sacrifice, you need to have a frank talk with this guy and you need to see if there’s a future.[00:36:44] Or if he’s just along for the ride, it almost sounds like he’s just along for the ride. It wouldn’t surprise me if you guys are in this relationship and if we had truth serum, we might be able to see that he’s just kind of like, “Yeah, I mean she’s great. Yeah. I mean she’s, you know, duh duh duh.” Like I feel like this guy just doesn’t have a plan and if what little plan he does have involves you doing a bunch of work and rearranging your whole life for his convenience. He’s treating you like an option and you’re treating him like a priority. Stop doing that.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:37:16] Bravo on that astute reading of that email, Jordan. I think you nailed that one on the head and you didn’t even bring out the four cats, which I thought was very, very professional of you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:25] Yeah. You know, I mean, some people have four cats and I had easier targets on this one, you know, then the four cats. But it’s not the four cats. If somebody has four cats, okay, fine. But “Oh, I can’t move because I have four cats. Even though my family — ” I mean that’s just such a BS excuse. It’s just such a BS excuse. “Oh, I don’t want to move to be with the person I love because I’m going to have one of my cats or two of my cats stay with my parents where they will be loved and fed and taken care of.” Give me a break. Give me a break. All right. Recommendation of the week, Voyeur. Have you seen this movie, Jason? It’s about this motel voyeur who built some sort of observation deck to watch everybody in the motel do all this stuff and he journalled it meticulously. And there’s a couple of twists and turns in the plot here. But it’s a fascinating story. This guy spent 30 years researching it.
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:38:16] No spoilers, because it’s in my queue and it’s one of the ones that I definitely have queued up for this week. I saw it come through and I was like, “Ooh, that looks pretty juicy.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:24] Yeah, Jen and I really liked it. The guy’s a total weirdo as you might expect. And the story just gets weirder from there. So I highly recommended it. Voyeur. V-O-Y-E-U-R; it’s on Netflix. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. So many good letters in there. Don’t forget, you can email us email@example.com. Note the address change, the Feedback Friday inbox is no longer at the other domain. It is firstname.lastname@example.org. I will not see anything sent to the other domain ever again, probably. So you can get your questions answered on the air if you send it to the right place. We’re happy to keep you anonymous of course. A link for the show notes for this episode can be found at JordanHarbinger.com/podcast. Quick shout outs to Isabelle Young. She’s in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. She listens on her commute. She says it’s better than pop songs on repeat.
[00:39:12] Thanks for setting the bar extra low for us there, Isabelle. And Max Rooke, he is a soccer coach over at Pepperdine University. Thanks for being a fan of the show, man. I’m on Instagram and Twitter, @jordanharbinger. It’s a great way to engage with the show. I’m no longer @TheArtofCharm on Twitter. Jason, you’re on social?
Jason DeFillippo:: [00:39:30] I’m on Instagram, @JPD and check out my other podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We tell you what went wrong on the internet and who’s to blame, so you can be the hippest person around the water cooler.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:40] And keep sending in those questions to email@example.com. We will see you next time.
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