35: Transgender Networking in the Workplace | Feedback Friday

Transcript for Feedback Friday | Transgender Networking in the Workplace (Episode 35)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00]  Welcome to feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And this week, we had Will Storr, talking about self-obsession in the age of the selfie and Deep Dive number four, the benefits of keeping that beginner's mindset. And of course, our primary mission is to pass along those guests and our experiences and insights along to you.

[00:00:24] In other words, the real purpose of the show was to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at Friday@jordanharbinger.com. As always, we've got some fun ones and we got some doozies, and I can't wait to dive in. Jason, what's the first thing we got coming out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:40]  Hi, Jordan. I'm 31 years old, and I've been on an exciting path of self-improvement for the last several years. I listened to a lot of podcasts. I run my own business and I'm setting up another one. I'm also qualifying as a business and NLP coach. Life hasn't always been peachy though. I had a major life overhaul following a cancer diagnosis at 26 years old, grueling treatment and months of uncertainty. I also have some unhelpful beliefs I'm dragging behind me from my childhood. Given all of the above, I love self-help in my life is so much better nowadays. I can't see ever stopping working on myself. My concern is my boyfriend, we've been together for over 18 months and I do love him. His childhood was very rough and he's bearing a lot of emotional scars and he rarely opens up about it. He's had some therapy in the past, but it didn't help. He plays a fool, but as an intelligent man. Unfortunately his emotional intelligence is often lacking, which means I'm carrying a lot of the responsibility for both of us maintaining a healthy relationship.

[00:01:36] I've suggested he start listening to podcasts and even downloaded some interesting ones for him. But he doesn't seem to want to improve himself even though he knows it very well he's got issues that would benefit from addressing. This will sound very selfish. When I start qualifying in business and NLP coaching, my own self-improvement will dramatically expand, but his won't. I'm concerned he will stay stuck in his ways. And one day, I'll start resenting him as less of a person, less ambitious.

[00:02:00] My journey to better myself as my own, so I don't feel it's fair to force it on him, but I don't want to become a mother figure forever responsible for the health of our relationship. He can be insecure, and I don't know how to explain my concerns without making it sound like an ultimatum. How can I encourage him to work on himself without criticizing him and shutting him down? Or do I just accept who he wants to be and focus on my own life? I would love for both of us to keep working on our relationship while we're working on ourselves, but how can I drag someone seemingly uninterested or unmotivated onto this journey with me? Thanks. Don't want to be a drag.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:33] All right, don't want to be a drag. People can be encouraged to find this type of self-development stuff, get interested in it, but the ego is going to resist. I'm not saying you have to be some sort of egomaniac to resist it. Everybody's got a little bit of ego when we find out, oh, we could get better at something. And somebody who has a rough childhood might have more ego protection in place, it doesn't mean they're arrogant, but have more of a protection in place because of that childhood. So would not tell him this is for yourself better, man. You can listen together when you get a chance, maybe say, well, this is funny or this is entertaining or this is interesting, not because you need this or he needs this. This is just going to make him feel less than, which is actually probably a trigger for him, I bet, given his childhood.

[00:03:16] So in the end, we really can't force this stuff down someone's throat. I still find myself resisting a lot of things. And I assume this is a lifelong process for most everybody. Jen will give me a piece of feedback for the show, and I'll be like, man, I'm cranky about it up. You have to be in the mindset to get feedback and sometimes when you're in the car, you don't want to hear from somebody you love. Here's this thing that you need to get better at your life, and people grow apart is the other thing here.

[00:03:41] Look, it's very natural. We should expect this in some way with every relationship, the differences that some of the growing apart happens in areas that are not important to us and some of the growth happens in areas that we consider deal-breakers. For example, if I'm a huge fan of documentaries, which I am, and let's say I met my wife at some documentary conference, sounds boring as hell, whatever. Great. Okay, cool. Maybe she stops liking documentaries, and I find myself watching alone at night while she reads or she paints or something. No big deal. Now, let's say we're both fans of being healthy. We met at the gym, but then I started eating junk food every day. I stopped working out. I get really unhealthy. I stopped sleeping well, I started drinking, I started smoking. Now she's got to ask herself, is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

[00:04:26] She's got to step back and be honest about this. So if we don't like documentaries, fine, not a big deal. We grew apart in that area, no big one. But if we're both into health and then we grew apart on this, and suddenly my entire lifestyle's affected negatively and hers in turn, that's a tougher decision. And this is a decision that you're going to have to make here. I don't think it's going to be easy, but this is very important, and it does need to be done or you risk a potentially a lifetime of potential unhappiness. That's no good. The other pattern you should explore is this, and this is sort of meta here, so forgive me. But you mentioned you have baggage and poor beliefs from childhood that you haven't really addressed. I'm betting, and this is, I'm just shot in the dark here. I'm betting you bring people like this current boyfriend into your life because of these beliefs and these patterns.

[00:05:14] I might actually start here if I were you. Maybe you don't believe that you deserve someone special or you that you deserve someone high quality in your life so you're willing to put up with more crap than you really should. Or maybe you date men who don't actually deserve you. You didn't go into detail on this. I've just seen this so many times that I think it's worth mentioning, so keep in touch and let us know how it goes. I think you've got some introspection to do, and I don't think you should force your boyfriend to listen to the show as much as I would love for everyone to force their boyfriend to listen to the show, I don't think that's the answer. I think the gold lies in you examining your own patterns and seeing if you're attracting people with his patterns into your life on a regular basis because otherwise you could end up getting rid of this guy that you grew apart from and then just finding someone else who's kind of a clone. And then you can rinse and repeat this ad nauseum and you're never going to solve the problem because the problem might just start with you. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:06] Hi, Jordan. I'm often called an asshole by my peers. Admittedly, they're correct. It's not that I do mean or disrespectful things. I just always have a need to call something out without regard to someone's feelings. I speak before, I think. I mean well, and I'm not doing it purposely to hurt anyone. My mom used to call me a smart ass, which is a result of the skepticism I often use in my humor. I also hate to lie. I have a hard time complimenting someone when I know it's false. Even when I try to say the right thing, my facial expressions give my lie away. I hate this trait more than anything. It greatly affects my marriage and sometimes leaks into my work life. I'm 35, and have only recognized to this in the past five years, which happens to coincide with when I got married. I probably got away with being an asshole growing up with older brothers and friends. How do I grow out of this behavior? Thanks a whole. PS. Congrats on the new show. Almost thought we lost you guys.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:56]  Oh yeah, not quite. We're still here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:58]  Still kicking.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:59] We are still kicking, so listen up a hole, I feel you. It's not always about being honest or expressing yourself though. These are your needs. This took me so long to figure out for myself too. A lot of people were like, I'm authentic. I'm honest. I'm blunt. I'm direct. Look, that's about you. People think that's about being a good coach, oh I'm not doing any caretaking, no kid gloves, right? That's something that people do when they're trying to be like, “Oh, I'm done being a doormat.” Or they're like, I think direct feedback is better. Very rarely is it about the person they're giving feedback to.

[00:07:31] It sort of seems like it is because you're like direct feedback is great. People develop better when they get that. That may be true, but this is about your needs when you start saying, I'm just going to tell people what I think. Your problem though is that this is about other people or it concerns other people. In my opinion, going back to what your mom told you, it's better many times to not say anything if you don't have anything nice to say, unless you are asked for feedback. And even then, it should be given with consideration to someone's feelings. I spent years being Mr. Direct Guy, I'm going to tell people, tell it like it is. I still do that sometimes, but really compassion goes a long way. It's going to go a long way to getting people to take your advice on board. It's going to go a long way to having healthy social connections. There's no downside to being compassionate.

[00:08:21] I think it's a very amateurish look at coaching or feedback or being someone's colleague to think that you've really got to dish it out and be harsh because otherwise they won't get the message. Next time you're interested in giving someone your honest opinion, ask yourself if the person is interested in feedback or if they just want to vent their own emotions or their problems. Both of these things are okay. A lot of people go, well, if you're just going to vent, I don't want to hear it. That's not being a good colleague, it's not being a good friend. People need to vent. It's called emotional support. It's a real thing. All right, and if you're not sure, literally ask them, “Hey, I'm not sure exactly what to do here.” “Are you venting or do you want some direct feedback?” A lot of times people will say, “Oh, sure, I guess I want some feedback.” Still giving consideration to their feelings, because a lot of times they feel like they have to say they want feedback. With your significant other, you should feel comfortable enough to say something like, yeah, I'm just venting, I don't really want feedback here unless you really see something.

[00:09:16] Generally, you don't need to give people feedback. You just don't. They already know. You really don't need to make your opinion known. Again, that's all about you. If you ask them what they're looking for, this will help you know when your feedback is welcome, and when your friend or colleague just wants to let something go and not get a stinken lesson in return. But like I said, I get you man. I went through a phase like this. It lasted a long time. I got a reputation as a bit too brusque or brash.

[00:07:41] I was talking to a friend of mine who runs the Stacking Benjamins podcast, which I was on recently. And he emailed me and he goes, “Oh man, the show episode was so great. People really like it.” And he said he was grateful because he heard I was a bit of an a hole from other people at this conference where we had met. It was a few years back. And I guess I had that reputation because I probably was a bit of a hole a few years back. So I get it, man. But I also realized that more often than not, people are not looking to grow. They're looking to vent and that's okay, and it also has its value. So be a conduit for that as well as a conduit for valuable feedback when you are asked for it. And that should go a long way to changing your reputation.

[00:10:24] This episode is sponsored in part by the Great Courses Plus. You got to love me some Great Courses Plus. You can watch them on your TV, your laptop, your tablet, your phone. Do people say smartphone? Every bit of cop, always says smartphone. Look, if you're not using a smart phone, you're Larry King, the end. I get it, you don't use apps, we don't need to beat that to death. But back to the Great Courses Plus, I recommend checking out Games People Play: Game Theory in Life, Business, and Beyond. It's taught by Professor Scott P. Stevens, PhD. That sounds like a serious guy right there. Games People Play: Game Theory in Life, Business, and Beyond, lots of tips for applying the tools players use on the field to help make better decisions at work, at home, anywhere.

[00:11:05] There's credibility, deterrence, compellence, incomplete and imperfect information. Who can you trust, signaling, screening, you know this is right up your alley, if you're listening to the Jordan Harbinger Show. And we've got a special limited time offer for our fam, a full month to enjoy the Great Courses Plus for free. The only way to get that sign up through our special URL, thegreatcoursesplus.com/Jordan, thegreatcoursesplus.com/Jordan.

[00:11:31] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. You have to have your own home on the web, you do. It's that simple with the ever shifting landscape of social media. People need to be able to find you at anytime, anywhere. Not, “Oh, I've deactivated my account on Facebook, or I don't use this one so I can't connect with you.” That's why we recommend HostGator's website builder, created professional looking feature packed website. The best part, no coding, no trying to find the one line that's making everything shift to the left or like align itself in the middle of when you wanted it on the right. You can find over a hundred mobile friendly templates. Your site's going to look great on your phone, tablet, desktop, and there's a ton of ad-ons, SEO plugins. If you don't know what that means, get the plugin. It'll do it for you, you won't have to worry about it again. You can integrate it with PayPal. People can pay you from your website. It'll be up 99.9 percent of the time. You don't have to worry about the tech. They've got 247, 365 support, and it getting 62 percent off of these packages if you're a new user. Hostgator.com/Jordan, that's hostgator.com/jordan to get a great deal on your own site for once.

[00:12:34] This episode is also sponsored by Organifi. Here's the deal. To truly thrive in all areas of your life, you cannot ignore the importance of good health. You need sleep, you need nutrition. I've learned this stuff firsthand. For many of us, time is our most valuable asset. It's about energy management, that gets more important as you get older. It gets more important as you get busy, and that's why I dig Organifi Green Juice, say super food, green juice powder. You add water, get your greens anytime, anywhere. Great for traveling when you're living on airport sushi or whatever, which by the way, tread lightly. But this isn't just any green juice, it's organic and upgraded. Like I said, with 11 superfoods. Quick and easy. It comes in these little pocket pouches just like my smart mouth. I basically have lots of little packets of things everywhere, if you can imagine. You run into me when traveling, I got little packages. Okay, all right. Are you ready?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:23] That didn't come out [indiscernible] [00:13:24]

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:24]  Nope, that one came right around to bite me. That's fine. Get your greens without breaking the bank. It's about two bucks a juice. Organifi.com, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com, and use the code harbinger at checkout to get 20% off your order. That's organifi.com, use code harbinger at checkout for 20 percent off.

[00:13:4] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:46]  Hey, Jordan. I had a question about LinkedIn etiquette. I've been trying to expand my network via the connections tab on LinkedIn. I've connected to people I know personally, but is it okay to connect to strangers? And if I can, what topics should I open with to get the conversation going? I'm in the field of process technology, which is dominated by who you know in order to get a job. Any help would be appreciated, whether that be in messaging or hell, maybe even a segment on a show. Thanks again for helping me improve myself. You helped to change my life. Thanks, Stranger Danger.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:17]  Did you think of that name?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:18]  Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:19]   That's fun, you know. You’re good at the name thing, I'm so glad I don't have to think of you as part of my job. Well, I'm glad I helped to change your life. That's the whole name of the game here.

[00:14:26] Look, LinkedIn is one of the few places where the coldest of cold outreach is okay. Don't get me wrong, I still ignore tons of people on LinkedIn because they send me the dumbest pitches, but it's built into the system. InMail is designed to reach out to people that you don't know in a professional way. So what I would do is I'd say, look, reach out with honest questions and intent. You're young, which is an advatange. I looked up Stranger Danger here when he sent me this message. He's young, I think there's always a huge advantage. Start with messages to people asking about their job. Even something small to start, let them know you want to make connections and find out more about the field and the opportunities in the field.

[00:15:07]       15:07   When you reach out, do not ask for a job of any kind. Don't, don't do it. You might be tempted, don't do it. Internships or jobs, don't ask for one of those either. Offer to take them out for coffee. Go to someone's office for coffee if that's more convenient. You're doing this on their time, you're doing it and their logistics. You can also jump on the phone if they're too far away or if they're sketched out about meeting you for some reason. Ask them for light advice, not favors, light advice when you meet. Have your questions prepped in advance as well. What I mean by light advices? Okay, so you're a design engineer here at Apple. If I wanted to become a design engineer here at Apple, should I start by applying to Apple or should I start by applying to design engineering positions at other companies first?

[00:15:52]       15:52   Is it better to have experience and go directly to design engineering at Apple, or is it better to start at Apple and then make my way to design engineering? That kind of question. Not, “Hey, can you hook me up with a job in design engineering?” Not, “Do you know anyone who's hiring for job in  design engineering?” None of that stuff and none of that. Well, so, “Oh yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” “Hmm, do I have any other questions?” “Yeah, this dah, dah, dah.” Have them written down, you don't have to follow the list, but nothing's going to make someone feel like they wasted their time more than 15 minutes of small talk while you rack your brain for what you should say next. I know that's probably obvious, but when I see the questions written out in front of the person, I feel like they showed up prepared, so you can put the questions on paper.

[00:16:34] In fact, don't put them on your phone because then it just looks like you're looking at your phone. Write them down on paper, take some notes on paper. I know you can say that you're taking notes on your phone. It's still just looks like you're texting to me. Follow up with them a month or so later. Let them know how you applied their advice. Hey, your advice to apply for design engineer positions at Startups really worked out well. I'm looking at this place, this place, this place. I got a call back from this place, this place and this place. So just wanted you to know that everything you told me worked out really well. That's how someone can get an opportunity because they might say, “Hey, do you know about our summer program?” Or, “Oh, I actually know some people that work over at that startup you applied to that used to work here at Apple.” Let me call them and see what the deal is, or let me throw in a good word. Or they might not even say that and it might do it for you anyway.

[00:17:20] Also add all these contacts that you're making to something like contactually or which we'll link in the show notes or another CRM, and stay in touch with them every quarter. Just make a little reminder, 90 days follow up with them. If you do this every other week or so, you're in the field of process technology, you're going to know half the people that work in your field, especially in your area within a few years, which is a huge advantage. If you ever need another opportunity in your industry and you're that well-connected. Man, you're going to have smooth sailing. I'm telling you. So put this stuff into action and let us know how it goes. And if you're interested in this type of networking outreach sort of thing @advancedhumandynamics.com/level1, advancedhumandynamics.com/level1. I made a bunch of videos about stuff like this, and about networking and keeping people engaged and using systems and it's free. Just go check it out, advancedhumandynamics.com/level1. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:14]  Hey, Jordan and Jason. I'm a 23 year old basketball trainer. Over the last few months I've started to build a relationship with a well-known coach in my area. He expressed interest in having me come by and help run some workouts for his players, which would be a huge opportunity for me to potentially come onto their staff for the following season. This was a couple of months ago that he mentioned this. Within the last few weeks, I've reached out to him twice with no response, and I'm now wondering why he's not answering back. I don't think there's anything I did that would have turned them away, but it bothers me because I really wanted the opportunity to work with his coach and his program. He's been very generous with his time and knowledge, and the network I'd be exposed to could catapult my career. Do you have any advice on how I can rectify the situation? Also, I realized how this may sound a bit desperate, so how can I prevent myself from being reliant on a certain option in any area of my life in the future? Thanks for all you do. Signed, Anxious Athlete.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:06]  Yeah, I get it, man. Pff, having your eggs in one basket, it's really scary. And I know the cliché is of course don't keep your eggs all in one basket. Sometimes you just don't have any more baskets, dammit.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:17]  Sometimes your basketless.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:19]  Yeah, your basketless and  the basket you have has holes in it, and that's life. It happens. It's great if you can create a lot more opportunities for yourself, and I recommend people do that. I'm going to show you how. Of course, that's what we do here. But I also get having one basket or having none. So what I advise is push gently but persistently until you hear a no, follow up. Look, you're selling yourself. This is a sale. People are busy. When I worked at SiriusXM Satellite Radio, I met some kid at a party, and this kid was like, “Oh, you work there, can I come in and check out what you do?” Because he was going to school for radio, and I said, “Sure, here's my email. I go every Friday, you're going to have to ask me a few days in advance and I get you a pass, and I'm really busy. So if you don't hear from me or if you do, but we don't make it happen. Keep reminding me because we're off for the next three weeks, and I'm busy and I'm traveling, dah, dah, dah.” And he asked me once, and I said, “I'm off this week, but ask me again next week and the week after, and I'll figure it out.” And I didn't hear from him again. And I thought, what the hell? Come on, man. I think he might've asked me one other time and then I said, “Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm already on the way there. Hit me up, next time hit me up on Thursday. We'll make it happen. I'll set up a meet.” He just never did it.

[00:20:35] So here's the thing, you don't know if this guy's not interested. You don't know if he found someone else. You don't know if you're in his spam folder, you don't know if somebody in his office secretly hates you, and he's running your on purpose or whatever. You just don't know. Don't you think it'd be helpful to find out? Wouldn't you like to know? Oh, you know what happened, man, Anxious Athlete. I hired a kid that I was working with and I filled the position, I'm so sorry. I did see your email, I meant to get back to you. Or you know, actually, I went and checked you out and you have the same name as five other people, one of whom has a criminal record. Which one are you? Do you want to straighten that out of what, right? Or “Oh yeah, yeah, I do want to hire you. I lost your email. I couldn't find it because I lost all my email. And I want to hire you for tomorrow, and I just thought I was not going to be able to reach it.” You just don't know. Don't lose sleep over this. Follow up and find out what the hell is going on so you can improve the situation or get the darn job.

[00:21:30] In order to never have to be reliant on a certain option though, you need to cultivate more options and more opportunities. And of course, this involves networking, it involves outreach, it involves network maintenance which we cover often on the show. And of course, which I also cover at advancedhumandynamics.com/level1, which I will not say again, because I feel like I'm beating it to death right now. But check that stuff out. Get after it, and you will find plenty of opportunity.

[00:21:56] In the meantime, figure out what happened with this one. Don't be shy.

[00:22:01] This episode is sponsored in part by Rhone. Rhone, they make awesome stuff for guys. Unfortunately, they don't have a women's line, at least not yet, but they make great stuff for guys that is sporty but not dad-ish, and also not a ton of branding on it which I dig, and it's made well. It's comfortable. They got this new salient running short sleeve shirt. It's made with a seamless construction, lot of venting salient which is the first FDA determined fabric to promote blood flow, increase endurance, performance, energy, etc. The shirt goes the extra mile and they got these silver threads in there, so that the bacteria, the man stink, dies on contact. I don't know if it does on contact though, to be fair, it just doesn't thrive, which is great. So they weave the silver directly into this shirt, keep you smelling a little bit fresher.

[00:22:44] So go to rhone.com, R-H-O-N-E.com. Our listeners receive an exclusive offer of 15 percent off their first purchase with the use of the Jordan promo code at checkout. That's Jordan, J-O-R-D-A-N. Go to Rhone.com, promo code Jordan at checkout for 15 percent off, and check out the commuter pants too. If you already got the shirt, check out those commuter pants. Jason lives in those things.

[00:23:10] This episode is also sponsored by Microsoft. Microsoft Teams is your hub for teamwork in Office 365, it simplifies all your work communication into one spot, and you've got a lot to look after, right? Would it be great if there was one place to look? Teams is that single workspace where you can work, you can share, you can connect with people in your work life. Teams brings together your chats, your meetings, your files, your apps all in one place. And you can take teamwork where you work with apps for mobile, they've got apps for desktops. So whether you're sprinting towards the deadline, you're sharing your next big idea, Teams can help you and your team achieve even more. Microsoft Teams is in Office 365 and as a part of that, so if you use that, you got to throw Teams in there. That's what they want you to do. So visit office.com/teams to learn more.

[00:24:00] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:01] Dear Jordan, I enjoy your podcast and I've learned some interesting tips on improving my life and social skills. What bugs me is how few women you have on the podcast. It didn't bother me at first, but I can't help but notice how few inspirational women you get on the show. Being a girl studying aerospace engineering in the Netherlands, a study and field in which less than 10 percent is female, I'm a bit lost for role models. It would mean a lot to me if influential podcasts like yours, brought on more female leaders. I also think this could be an opportunity for you to broaden the lessons you're providing with the many interesting insights women can provide. I truly hope you'll try to remember that many among your demographic could benefit from some strong female role models. In the meantime, I'll just seek out my own and hope you will join me in that search. I do admire your podcast and think you're changing the world for the better. Keep it up. Best regards, Rocket Woman.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:50] So this question, I get this here and there. And I always find it interesting that people assume that I'm deliberately not having that many women on the show. First of all, we actually have had a lot of women on the show. Not enough for sure, but I'll tell you, I actually get turned down by a lot of women, well, story of my life, right? But you know, we get turned down by a lot of women. Seriously.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:11]   Oh, don’t bring me into this. That's all you man.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:14]  All right, fine. But I've asked so many scientists, business people, politicians, lawyers, surgeons so often, the women don't have time, they don't reply, they won't do the show because they're working on projects. And they'll often refer me to men in their office to do the show instead. Or they'll do the show, but they only have 20 minutes from me or something like that. Trust me, I would love this, send them my way. But it's not that we don't search for, or even find the ones we want. It's on them, which I think is strange, honestly.

[00:25:43] That said, I hope now that our branding has evolved with the new show, we can get even more great women on the program. It's not easy to book guests in general. It's really hard when the women are maybe less interested, and I think part of this honestly is women in high powered positions they have a lot more that they have to prove because of the way that things have been forever. So they might actually be busier than a lot of the guys, and they might seek out less glory. Then I think there's inherently hardwired thing where guys are like, yeah, I want some spotlight, maybe an ego thing. Maybe women have less of a need for that, generally speaking, it's hard for me to say. I really can't speculate. All I can tell you is that we are looking and sometimes we just get told no. If I ask 10 men and 10 women, nine of the guys will say yes, and two of the women or one might say yes, it's going to be tricky. It just always has been. It's always been that way. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:38]  Dear Jordan and friends, I'm a transgender woman. When I began my transition, an older woman took me out for coffee. She told me the best way to conduct myself for my own safety during my professional career was to be strictly professional and as anonymous as possible. I've come to interpret this as focusing on technical skills rather than social skills for career advancement and recognition. This seems smart considering the lack of social capital in bias against most people in my situation. I've now worked my way up the ladder enough that I can start effecting good changes for those who will come after me, but I'm frightened to pursue networking with the kind of social dynamism your podcast encourages. I'd like to do the networking that you often describe, but I'm worried about losing my current social standing and the good that I can do. On the other hand, I believe I have a responsibility to help the next generation. Is there a way I can have my cake and eat it as well? Is there any way I can limit blowback while still developing my influence? Regards, Frightened, But Paying It Forward.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:33] All right, Frightened, But Paying It Forward, I see what your colleague was trying to do. Take an hour for coffee, tell you to keep your head low. I do not think this was great advice. I think this is her opinion, maybe it was good advice at the time in that industry. I don't know, but my opinion, my advice is that you can't and should not hide. Not only should you be proud of who you are, of course, in both your personal and professional life. But it's going to be more limiting for your career than just being you, even if some people don't like you because you're transgender. Hiding is always, always, always going to results in fewer connections, fewer social capital than the occasional bigot who doesn't like you, or somebody that you make uncomfortable that you later win over because that's how humans are.

[00:28:20] Here's your choice. Hide forever at work, limit your career or screen in the right people and the right opportunities. In the end, people who don't like you or won't hire you or promote you for who you are, are on the wrong side of history. Further being transgender is probably not as career limiting as hiding in the workplace. So I really think that -- look, you've done it so far. It serves you well, but you are going to plateau. This is classic. I see this all the time. People in middle management positions, depending on where you are, I don't know if you're there, but people in the middle of the corporate world, once it starts to become about relationships, who you know, creating those connections, you're limiting yourself by not taking advantage of this. And what's really a shame is a lot of people who limit themselves, they don't know how to do it or they're shy. It doesn't sound like you're either of those. It sounds like you're hiding because you're worried that some grandpa is going to go, what? I don't understand how she's a woman, she used to be a man. That's crazy.

[00:27:17] Who cares about those people? I know you have to care at some level, but give me a break. If you want to learn how to network, I know I said, I wasn't going to do this, said it, wasn't going to do it, Jason.  But go to advancedhumandynamics.com/level1, go through those networking drills. Shake off the rust on some of this and get out there. I think you've got to make up for lost time. I don't think you have to do it in a way that's going to make anybody else uncomfortable. And those who find themselves uncomfortable by virtue of just who you are, tough Kiska, tough rocks. That's their problem. Last but not least, Jason, take it away.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:48]  Hi Jordan, Jason and team. I'm planning a trip to Italy for three weeks to conclude with a long weekend in Germany to visit a close friend and celebrate my 30th birthday. A few years ago, I went through the process of getting my Italian citizenship and made a commitment to myself to visit by the time I turned 30. I was raised on a healthy diet of travel around the country, with regular road trips to the Upper Peninsula in the middle of the front seat of my dad's station wagon. I was fortunate enough to have studied abroad three times, high school, college, and law school for a month or more each time. So I'm especially looking for advice for a solo trip as a youngish adult. Sightseeing is all well and good, but I really enjoy meeting people, exploring and experiencing new places. With study abroad programs, there was an easy group to head out with, which made meeting people and looking out for each other easy. It seems like signing up for day tours or longer tours with a group might be a good way to meet people. While I imagine I'm overthinking this, I would appreciate any advice you can offer. Thank you, Flying Solo.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:46] Interesting. This is really cool. I didn't know you could apply for Italian citizenship growing up in the States. Actually, I just found out recently that a friend of mine did this. It was like his grandparents, but I thought it was --  I guess I really thought he just bribed somebody. But apparently there's a process that you can go through and get this. How do I become Italian? That's what I want. I want a little EU passport. Let's make that happen.

[00:31:07] I totally get it. Sightseeing, all that stuff. It's fine, but you kind of get this superficial view of the place. I recommend CouchSurfing. This couchsurfing.org is a nonprofit. It's a website. It's not just a sleeping on people's couches. Before you go on your trip, sign up for CouchSurfing. You add some friends on there. You find people in the places where you're going. Reach out to them, weeks or potentially months in advance. See if they're open for coffee or drinks. See if you can stay with some of them. That's the whole point, is it's basically international strangers coming to crash, and it's a lot of young people. Everyone tends to be really cool. The takers, the negative sort of people that you don't want on there tend to get filtered out pretty quick. Especially there's testimonials for people.

[00:31:51] It's kind of like the OG Airbnb where no money changes hands. It's really cool. Couchsurfing.org, I highly recommend it. A great way to travel when you're young. You don't even have to stay with people, you can just meet up with other people and hang out. And in any big city, there's usually a really big CouchSurfing community.

[00:32:09] Another thing you can do is volunteer. If you're going to go for a few weeks, you can volunteer on farms, you can volunteer to work at different types of nonprofits. I've done that in other countries as well. Finding those opportunities can be a little trickier. Now, there's probably websites for it. Back when I did it, I literally had to just called call nonprofits and say, Can I have a job? Can I have a job? Can I have a job? And half of them -- 90 percent didn't answer, and then one did. So I went to Mexico and they forgot I was coming. That was interesting.

[00:32:39] There are also longer tours you can do with a group. You know, something that's a week, you're going to be able to make friends, you're going to be able to hang out with those people before and after, depending on their travel schedule. Get something that's really flexible. Not a 10 hour a day bus tour, but maybe some walking tours, or a cycling tour through the countryside.

[00:32:54] You're really going to bond with those people. It's going to be really fun. Walking through countries is awesome. If you're in decent shape. I highly recommend doing something like that. Walking through Italy, walking through Germany, walking through Portugal. It's on my bucket list. Staying at a hostel is another way of doing this. You can stay at hostels. Usually there's group accommodation. If you're not into that, you can get a single room, but people hang out at hostels. They party at hostels. You're only 30, so the whole 27 get blackout drunk while in another country. You might not have outgrown that yet, which is cool. I can't do it, because I just go crazy. But you can make friends at those hostels.  Last but not least, take classes while you're in country. Cooking classes in Italy, you can take any kind of pottery class, art classes in France, whatever it is. You can do that stuff. You'll make friends there if it's a more involved class, not one hour learn how to paint while drinking wine. I'm talking about a class that's a few hours a day where you're really learning a skill and you go back again the next day. You're going to meet maybe locals and possibly also other tourists and travelers doing it. That may depend on your language skills, unless you can find something that is for tourists to do.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:01]  I have a friend that actually teaches photography classes in Italy, in different cities in the summers.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:05] Yeah, good idea.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:06]  And it's a great way to meet people. They're small classes, like seven people. And they bounce around to the entire city and you get history tours, you get food tours, but it's all wrapped in photography, so you learn the culture. I'll make sure that we put a link in the show notes for that, if that's something that interests Flying Solo for sure. But there are a lot of other classes like that, that you can have one hobby that bleeds into another. So you get to meet a bunch of people with like interests, like you were saying. But it's all encompassing and you can really like make some good friends that way.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:34] Yeah, what I've done when I traveled. I love that idea. What I've done when I traveled is -- when I went to Ukraine to learn Russian long time ago, I said to the language school, I want an immersion experience. I don't want to stay at a hotel. And they went, “Oh, maybe we can find you a family.” And I went, “Yeah, I want a family that's interested in having a foreign or there, I don't just want to rent a room and never see them.” “I want to kind of hang out, practice my Russian.” And they went, “Okay, cool.” And one of the teachers, it was like her cousin or her friend, they rented me a room and she was so stoked to have a foreigner in their house that they treated me like a brother.

[00:35:11] I went to the family parties, the extended family would come by and take me around and go hang out. And I'd go to dinner at the family's house, and I'd show up at their workplace and grab a meal and show up at the bar and hang out with the grandpa. And it was really awesome. I mean, they really treated me like a member of the family. My Russian was awesome by the time I left, for somebody who just started learning it. I was there for 10 weeks. When I left, I was conversationally fluent in Russian. The only Russian I'd taken in the United States at that point was the basic full two semesters of Russian where you basically learned the alphabet writing and reading the Cyrillic, which was really helpful and a bunch of vocab. But when I left, I could speak Russian. I mean, it was basic, but I could speak it. I lost it all when I went to Serbia because of a transference or whatever it's called, when one language is similar and bleeds into the other.

[00:35:59]       But I'm telling you, if I can learn Russian in 10 weeks and I wasn't studying for eight hours a day, you know, I was just taking the occasional class and hanging out. Even with a lot of foreigners, you can really get some serious face time, if you can call it that. We really close on the ground with the culture and you're going to have a great time. Take some of these experiences and you're going to rock it. You're going to have a blast.

[00:36:20] Recommendation of the week, Trump on Netflix. This is an interesting look at Trump. It doesn't just bash him the entire time. And I feel like that's -- look, I'm on whatever side of the political spectrum you might imagine. But the thing is, I don't like documentaries where it's just like, “Oh, you're not vegan. Here's how you're a terrible human being.” I hate the agenda based stuff.

[00:36:44]       36:44   It does give, I wouldn't say it's a totally non-biased look at Trump, but it doesn't just talk about how everything is terrible. And I thought that was really interesting. There's a lot of interviews with people who know him. They knew him back then. They still know him, they worked with them, they’re working with them now. They knew him for years, blah, blah, blah. Is his exes are in there, his family's in there, and I just thought it was an interesting piece. If you want to learn more about our president, regardless of what you think of him. It's Trump, it's on Netflix. And it's probably a little controversial just because everything that that guy touches is controversial, but I'm always interested in learning more about things no matter what. I'll just leave it at that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:23]   Sounds good. I'll check it out.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:24]  Do it. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com, that'll get your questions answered on the air. We're happy to keep you anonymous of course, and a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.

[00:37:39] Quick shout out to Don Hoekwater, who introduced me to Dan Carlin. Thank you for that. And Anthony Sandora, congrats on the new job that you got from following our networking and social capital advice. And I will not say what URL that is at, because I've said it too many times during the show and I didn't even intend to do that. But I'm glad that it's working. And these Swannies blue blockers, winters, these things are all spoken for. I got way more people interested in these than I thought. Holy cow. My inbox is full. So the Swannies are spoken for. You can buy them at Swanwicksleep.com, we'll link to that in the show notes as well.

[00:38:13] These are great. I just picked the last two winners right before this show. I'm going to announce them this week, but the second to last two winters are Christian and Kathleen. And these glasses are great, but like I said, they're all gone. You can buy your own at Swanwicksleep.com. I'm on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Jason, tell him where to find you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:31]  I'm on Instagram @jpd, Twitter as JPDEF, that's J-P-D-E-F. And you can always check out my other podcast every Monday, Grumpy Old Geeks.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:40] Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipeline. We're excited to bring it to you. And in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.