1003: Husband’s Bro’s Obscene, But He Won’t Intervene | Feedback Friday

1003: Husband's Bro's Obscene, But He Won't Intervene | Feedback Friday

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[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback. Friday producer, my partner in Walking the Out. Wendy Style, Gabriel Mizrahi.

[00:00:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yep. One plus one definitely equals a bigger one on this show.

[00:00:15] Jordan Harbinger: It certainly does call that feedback Friday Math, and if you have zero idea of what we're talking about, go back a couple weeks and enjoy the bonkers episode we did about Bad Bosses.

That was a special one. Y'all have some really bad bosses, like not just like, oh, that guy was kind of mean and didn't have to handle it that way. It's like, oh, you're running a cult. Literally on the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people, including apparently the meddling Lydias y'all have worked with over the years.

We turned their wisdom and their weird arithmetic into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks from drug traffickers and former jihadis undercover agents, economic hitmen, four star generals, investigative journalists, and extreme athletes.

This week we had neuroscientist Sharan Ranana on how memory works, tricks of memory like deja vu, repressed memory, and how to make our memory more productive. Super interesting conversation. Also this past week, a skeptical Sunday on hydrotherapy. On Fridays though, we take listener letters, offer advice, and share weird stories from our past.

Speaking of which, Gabe, I got a funny one for you today.

[00:01:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay, let's hear it. What? Hear. So

[00:01:26] Jordan Harbinger: I, I recently told my barber, wait,

[00:01:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: another barber story. You know, that's a good point. Why do you have so many barber

[00:01:32] Jordan Harbinger: stories? I guess? 'cause I talked to barbers and they, they hear so much weird stuff they do, but it's weird that the guy got the one other guy got arrested.

That's a whole thing. That's just like a one for the, all right, let's see the age's. I'm looking out the window, right? And there's a cell phone repair shop and I'm like, who is repairing cell phones? This much that this place can afford rent.

[00:01:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's a fair question.

[00:01:52] Jordan Harbinger: And he is like, oh yeah, that place is no good.

And I was like, yeah. So they repair laptops I guess. I don't know. I mean, who's bringing their computer to a place like this? And he goes, well, actually I did. And I was like, well, how did it go? And he goes, well, lemme tell you not how I expected. And I'm like, I'm, I'm confident these places are just fronts for money laundering or something.

'cause who the hell's keeping these places in business? He goes, all right man, check this out. Oh, the cell phone repair shop next door. They wouldn't fix my laptop 'cause he brought it in. There's like a laptop on the door, like it shows, it says we repair laptops. So not an unreasonable request. And the guy goes, no, no, this is actually what we do in here.

And he goes and types in a code behind the counter and in the back where they would normally, I guess, be repairing laptops. There was just a bunch of slot machines and really like gross people that had been awake for two days gambling. Okay,

[00:02:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: wait, wait. He just showed him this. He's just like, oh yeah, it's by the way where it's an yeah.

Illegal gambling den. FYI. Yeah.

[00:02:44] Jordan Harbinger: He's like, ah. I work next door at the barbershop. Can you fix my laptop? No, actually it's an illegal gambling den. Let me show you so that you can see it. Wow. My barber's not a guy who would lie about this. 'cause he's not like a guy who has a bunch of stories. He actually listens to this podcast, so he might even be hearing this right now.

He told me that one day, some of the clientele from the gambling den, they were hanging out in the parking lot, right? And they're like drinking or whatever. And one of the barbers came in and he had left his trunk open or unlocked. And one of those scumbag clients from the gambling den stole the duffle bag out of his trunk.

But it's like a gym bag, right? It's not, it wasn't gold Boolean in there. It was like his gym shorts and stuff. So my buddy who owns the barbershop, he went into the gambling den and he's like, Hey, we see on the CCTV that one of the guys who came outta here and went back in here stole one of my barber's duffel bags.

My barber owns the shop. So apparently the next day the deadbeat thief walks into the barbershop with the duffle bag, and in front of everyone is like, Hey y'all, I stole this. I am very sorry. Oh, you have my apologies. Gives the bag back. Just frustrates himself basically in front of everyone, and they're like, okay, because when somebody steals your stuff, you do not expect to get it back, and you certainly don't expect them to apologize.

In a heartfelt fashion.

[00:03:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, that's a happy ending. Yeah. But so the cell phone slash laptop, fake repair shop slash underground casino, they must have done something to this guy, right?

[00:04:06] Jordan Harbinger: Well, I assume he went in there and they were like, Hey, did you steal this duffle bag? We have you on camera. We're going to beat you into oblivion.

Right. If you don't return that, because with that guy knows what we do here and you're putting this whole operation in danger. And the guy was like, oh, right. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah,

[00:04:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: I guess that's actually a more accurate read. I was gonna say this gambling down really respects its neighbors. Like I kind of appreciate that.

[00:04:26] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, it's weirdly charming. Hey, like, hey, we're gonna run an illegal and super gross enterprise outta here, but we are not gonna bring this neighborhood down. Anyway, the barber checks his duffle bag and everything is in the duffle bag, except. Wait for it. Oh no. His girlfriend's underwear that she had left in there because they share a duffle bag when they go to the gym.

[00:04:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh my God. The perfect ending to that story. Wow. Yeah. Why do you have such crazy barbershop store? Yeah, I still don't understand. Nothing crazy has ever happened in mine, although I don't go to one anymore because you, you gotta

[00:04:57] Jordan Harbinger: go to a, a, a shadier barbershop man. None of this salon business.

[00:05:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: No. I never went to salons, but I used to go to my barber's house where she, she would cut hair out of her house and the weirdest thing that would happen is that she and her family would speak in Belize and Creole to one another and it was amazing.

And I would just listen Oh. To their conversations. I didn't even know that was a thing. Oh, it's a incredible dialect. Yeah, it's so funny. And we would like, she would teach us phrases and we would learn how to speak. Nothing like this ever happened. So, and now I cut my hair in my bathroom. So the shadiest thing happened in there is the sound bath I'm giving myself while I cut my hair on my own.

[00:05:28] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Well you cut your own hair now. You know, I believe that screens are repaired by those kiosks at the mall. I believe that people's laptops get broken and they take it to those, you break, I fix places or whatever. And there might even be some cell phone stores that specialize in like calling cards that are cheaper when you're calling Guatemala.

Like I think that was kind of what this place started as, but then it became an illegal gambling operation. I'm so curious what other sorts of businesses I think are like the pizza place that nobody ever goes to and is just a front for something. Email me, tell us your mafia front stories. There are non mafia front stories.

Oh, by the way, this place, it's not there anymore. 'cause I was like, so are they gambling right now? And he goes, no. One day the cops came around and they were like, Hey, where are the guys that usually work next door? And he was like, oh, are they gone? And they boarded up the place. Vanished and I was like, well, the customer surely came around looking for it.

No, they didn't. Which tells me that they must have had a way to tell their customer base that they were closing down and or moving, which means they probably had like an SMS list or something where they could text everyone, like, don't come back. This place is compromised. So they boarded up the whole place.

Interesting. Yeah. The landlord's like, yeah, I had no idea that the cell phone place had subleased their lease to the gambling guys. Wild. I forget what the entire point of this story was, but I'm curious what other fronts people have found in their own neighborhoods. 'cause I guarantee you there's plenty of this stuff.

It's, it's absolutely nuts.

[00:06:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: There are some restaurants you go to that are open for years, and you go in there and you're the only customer every time you go in. Yep. And they take your order and they make your food and it's fine. And you're, but you're like, what? Something doesn't add up.

[00:07:05] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. About this.

Like maybe they do a brisk delivery business or maybe they're laundering money for the mob. Exactly. All right. What's the first thing outta the mail bag?

[00:07:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. My husband and I have been married for six years and we dated two years before that. I didn't know much about my husband's now, 40-year-old brother Craig, until our actual wedding.

But I had been around him in various instances and was told by my husband and other family members that he was odd and weird, but that he's harmless the day after our wedding. However, I heard from my mom and my 13-year-old sister that Craig had been hitting on her and my mom the whole day.

[00:07:41] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, so not, not harmless, and definitely super weird.

That is, that is not okay.

[00:07:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Him hitting on my mom is extremely inappropriate, but hitting on my 13-year-old sister sent me over the edge. I was furious. Yeah. No kidding.

[00:07:57] Jordan Harbinger: No kidding. Wow. That dude is a total creep. Assuming that he was hitting on them and wasn't just like being overly, what am I talking about?

A 13-year-old girl does not think she's being hit on No. And her mom, no. Do not think they're being hit on for no reason. So it sounds like your brother-in-law really was outta line here. Again, women know when they are being hit on. It's not a mistake, especially when it's somebody that age and then, and also the mom's age.

So yeah, this, this is not okay. Very concerning to say the least.

[00:08:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: I brought it up to my husband immediately and he just shut down. So it ended up blowing over

[00:08:31] Jordan Harbinger: it. Did it blow over? It sounds like it's being swept under the rug.

[00:08:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Instead of blowing over two different things. Yep. So she goes on. Since then, for six years, Craig has said and done various sexual harassing things to me, forced me into hugging him, and followed me around at family gatherings.

He lives a few hours away with my in-laws, which means we don't see him much, so I've put up with it. Then recently I decided that I am done and brought all of this up to my husband again. He shut down again and didn't talk to me for 24 hours.

[00:09:04] Jordan Harbinger: Weird silent treatment. So he really struggles to acknowledge the truth about his brother.

Andy's sort of like weirdly taking it out on you, like didn't talk to you. That's weird. Not, not good. Not good.

[00:09:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: When he was okay with talking it through, I told him that while I'm not stopping him from seeing his brother, I'm not willing to be around Craig anymore, and if he's with the in-laws, our two kids and I won't be there.

No, that makes sense to me.

[00:09:26] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, absolutely not. I would not be there either.

[00:09:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: So my husband agreed to talk to his dad about it. His hope was that his dad would tell his mom because he couldn't bring himself to talk to his mom about it. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. I really feel quite hurt that my husband hasn't stood up for me on his own.

I've had to occasionally bring it up over the past six years and then finally put my foot down and he still hasn't gone to Craig and said, Hey dude, back off. My wife and you hitting on a literal child is disgusting. Am I being too demanding of my husband regarding his brother? No. Signed a woman feeling raw and saying Nah, to this creepy brother-in-Law.

[00:10:02] Jordan Harbinger: No, you are not being too demanding of your husband. Regarding the Walking Pedophilic, hashtag me too case. That is your brother-in-Law. What the hell? Truly, based on what you've shared, this guy is a real creep. He's following you around family events, which is just, I'm getting chills from that. He's forcing you to hug him, which is kind of like a salty, he's hitting on your mom.

He's hitting on your 13-year-old sister, which is not legal in any country that I know of in the free world, and he's doing other vaguely creepy stuff. He's being protected slash enabled by your husband and his family who apparently are just too afraid to sit him down and say, Hey, cut the crap, Craig.

This behavior is not okay. You are gonna go to jail. There's not a lot of ambiguity here. The only mitigating factor would be if Craig is like developmentally disabled. Or I was gonna say struggling with addiction, but being drunk or high on something doesn't mean you can also be a pedophile. Correct. If the guy's like really bad with social cues due to a brain injury or something along those lines.

Okay. Maybe. And he doesn't know how to behave. His actions are being misinterpreted, but I, it just does not sound like anybody is misinterpreting anything. It sounds like he's just a creepy predator, and even if he was being misinterpreted, all of this would still be an issue. So your decision to not be around Craig anymore, to keep your kids away from him, especially perfectly reasonable, and I appreciate that you're not stopping your husband from seeing his brother, I guess.

I mean, that's up to him. He has his own relationship with a guy. I guess that's fair too. Obviously though, your letter is really about this point of conflict with your husband. Why he struggles to talk about his brother, why he's not standing up for his wife, why he's not protecting you. I absolutely understand why that's hurtful, disappointing, unsettling.

Now, I wanna believe that your husband shuts down about Craig because acknowledging that his brother is sexually harassing women in his own family is just deeply uncomfortable for him. Hopefully, he's very ashamed that this is his brother and he's dreading the prospect of sitting his parents down and going, Hey, you know, Craig is a predator.

This is a problem. We need to talk to him. He can't be around my family anymore. He's gonna victimize somebody. I'm really getting the sense that the shame is so intense that your husband is not equipped to deal with it. So he shuts down. He just hopes it'll all blow over. So he really doesn't have to address any of it.

And I'm gonna go ahead and say this. This has probably been a pattern his whole life.

[00:12:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: You can hear that in the bit about talking to his parents. Yeah. He's talked to his dad because he couldn't bring himself to talk to his mom about it. Which, yeah, maybe that's because they're men and it's easier to talk about this.

I guess that makes sense. But also that's kind of another example of this avoidance in the family. They just do not seem like they want to drag it out into the open and have an adult conversation about Craig and how he acts at family reunions.

[00:12:42] Jordan Harbinger: My gut says, Craig's been in trouble for this before and mom lost her mind and has anxiety about it.

Mm-Hmm. And nobody wants to mess with that because mom is also fragile because she knows her son is a petto. That's what I think.

[00:12:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: So is everyone protecting mom in this family? Is avoidance just the family way?

[00:12:58] Jordan Harbinger: Clearly it is. But whatever the reason, nothing is blowing over over here. Your, your feelings are just going underground until the next time.

Craig does something weird at a family function. He's getting handsy by the barbecue or whatever, and your anger just grows. So yeah, I do think there's a conversation to be had with your husband here, not just about Craig and what to do about him, but about why your husband struggles to confront all this and how that's impacting your relationship.

If I were you, I would be very honest with him about what this Craig situation has brought up for you. The hurt, the disappointment, the ick factor. And I would also be very curious and empathetic about why Craig is such a difficult subject for your husband and for his whole family. Why it's been hard for him to take your feelings seriously here and protect you.

You could literally say, I'm really angry, I'm really hurt. I find this whole situation extremely creepy and stressful, and I am baffled that you haven't gone to Craig and said, Hey, dude, back off my wife and stop being inappropriate with a literal child. This is not okay. But I can also see why this is hard for you to talk about, and I wanna understand why.

So tell me, what has it been like to watch me struggle with Craig? How do you feel about your brother? What's it been like having this brother all these years? You are looking for empathy from your husband Here you're looking for solidarity and protection, and you deserve those things. You might find them by inviting him to have a real conversation with you and making it safe for him to open up about what Craig is bringing up for him.

So, because something's weird about this, like, it's almost like beyond devoid. It's, I almost wonder if Craig, now I'm just speculating, but I'm like, did Craig abuse your husband? And now it's bringing up all kinds of stuff for him too. I don't know.

[00:14:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: The more we talk about this, the more I'm wondering whether her husband shuts down because of Craig or because of her.

Hmm. Like is he ashamed of his brother and that makes him wanna run away from all this? Or is he actually uneasy about his wife's feelings? He doesn't quite know how to attend to them?

[00:14:47] Jordan Harbinger: That's a good question. 'cause the two are probably related. If he struggles to handle his parents' feelings to have open conversations with them, then it would make sense that he also struggles to do the same with his wife.

[00:14:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: The hardest part for him might not be acknowledging the reality about his brother. As uncomfortable as that is, it might be acknowledging the feelings that Craig is stirring up in all of these important people in his life, which is another way of saying the feelings that Craig is stirring up in him. I would be very curious to know what those are.

Is he angry? Is he ashamed? I think you're probably right, Jordan. He probably is pretty ashamed. Is he just like really turned off and uncomfortable? Is he anxious or is he, I don't know. Is he actually cut off from those feelings because he's so used to Craig or because he's a guy or because the feelings are so overwhelming that he needs to shut them down?

I think that's what's actually at the root of this response.

[00:15:35] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I do too. And the question now is. How do you make your husband and the rest of the family see that not standing up to Craig is creating some very real problems in the family.

[00:15:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: Some very real problems, but it's also preventing your in-laws from seeing their grandchildren.

I mean, at, at least as long as Craig is living there and he is hanging around, he is. He's there all the time. It sounds like he lives with them, right? So, yeah.

[00:15:57] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So that's probably another way that her in-laws have inadvertently enabled and protected this guy. Although we don't know all the circumstances of why he still lives with them.

I mean, obviously he's a loser, but is there more to the story? I don't know.

[00:16:09] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, yeah. But then that makes me wonder whether another thing in the mix for her husband is resentment if his parents have catered to Craig his whole life. Does he have some feelings about that?

[00:16:19] Jordan Harbinger: I would. I could see that all of this is what she needs to explore in this conversation with her husband.

Mm-Hmm. But she needs to do it in a non-judgmental way. She needs to be very gentle and patient because I think going at this too hard might spook him and cause him to shut down all over again. And when he does, you can say, honey, I see you shutting down. I feel you pushing me away and avoiding this. I know it's really difficult to talk about, but I'm asking you to stick with me here.

That could help him stay connected to you, to his feelings, to this whole situation when he just clearly wants to run away. But no, you are not overreacting and you are well within your rights to not wanna see Craig anymore and to keep your kids away from him. That's responsible. That's fair. I'd be making the exact same call that you can't screw around when it comes to your kids' safety.

Come on, go talk to your husband. Start there. See if you can make some progress. I really hope your future is free of creepy Craig comments by the food spread and hugs that go on way too long is so achy. Good luck. You know who won't get handsy with your mom at a family reunion, the amazing sponsors that support this show.

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Alright, next up.

[00:19:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, I work in hostage negotiation and I just joined a new team at work that involves meeting new people and being able to build rapport with them very quickly in a very tense, high stakes situation.

[00:20:11] Jordan Harbinger: Wow, that is wow. So cool. What a career, man. Congrats on the new role.

Wow.

[00:20:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: When running through a scenario, one of the pieces of feedback I received was that I had a tone that suggested that I was better than the other person in the scenario. I've gotten this note before. When my wife and I first got married, she would often get mad at me saying that I was being condescending toward her.

I would explain that I wasn't trying to be condescending, and that what I was saying or doing was meant to come from a place of love and care. She understood, and as time went on, it came up less. I assume that's because I was doing it less, but thinking about it now, my wife may have learned to accept that that's just how I talk and there's no ill will behind it.

[00:20:49] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. She's just giving up on like, okay, sure. You're right, whatever.

[00:20:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: While this issue isn't normally a problem in my professional life that I'm aware of anyway, it seems to me that this same problem has resurfaced. I'm aware of the problem. Sure. But I can't tell when I'm talking like this because it's just how I talk.

[00:21:07] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. But sorry. It is a problem in your professional life, right? Because you're getting this feedback at work, and I'm just getting clear on the issue here. Absolutely something you can work on, but I think we first have to acknowledge that this is a theme in your life, personal and professional. So we gotta start there.

We gotta acknowledge that.

[00:21:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Are there any exercises or resources I can pursue to enhance my self-awareness? How can I avoid this tone issue or counter the resentment it creates? Signed an inadvertent condescend whose heart is tender and just wants to render without being an offender. And shout out to our friend here for coming up with that sign off.

That was all him. Good job.

[00:21:45] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, cool. Well, that's good to know. It's actually a great sign that he came up with that on his own. There's some healthy self-awareness here, so we're starting from a good place. So there's this accidental tendency to come across as condescending, but the great news is, A, you're consciously aware of it.

B, you're connecting two dots from different parts of your life, which is always useful. And C, you want to work on this, which means that you can, and the stakes of working on this are high. I. They're important. I mean, you're a hostage negotiator. One of your crucial jobs is building trust and rapport. So when you nail this, it's probably gonna be a quantum leap in your negotiation game.

The stakes are pretty high. You can't get this wrong. So it's interesting. We ran your story by Chris Voss, former FBI, hostage negotiator, author of Never Split the Difference. He was the guest on the show. Fascinating, dude. That was episode 6 78. Actually, I think I've talked to him a few times, but that was, that was the one that sticks out.

And Chris picked up on the same thing I did a moment ago, which is you are getting this feedback from more than one source and you're not quite rejecting it. Maybe you did in the past, but less so now. But there does seem to be some resistance to really taking it in. Chris's feeling was that it is an obstacle to getting better, and that stands can make somebody not very coachable.

Chris shared an interesting saying with us, which is that if you're explaining, you're losing. So if you are busy explaining to people, people who are trying to help you, why they're wrong, and you're right, or yeah, you might come across that way, but it's not your intention. That itself is the barrier to improving.

And as Chris pointed out, just engaging in that kind of justification, that actually does sound a little condescending. So being coachable, this is a skill. It's the skill that underlies developing every other skill in life. Part of our jobs as human beings is being good students of whoever can teach us.

Now the challenge for us is that it's hard to coach somebody on a specific quality on a podcast. What I can tell you though, is your job right now is to drop all these justifications, these explanations, this resistance to this note, and just let it in. Owning that you have this, I'm better than you, or I know more than you tone.

Sometimes that doesn't have to be some huge personal failing or a point of shame, although the fact that it is, which I suspect is why you're fighting the note a little bit here. That is meaningful. So one thing you might wanna do is ask yourself why this note doesn't sit well with you. Maybe it's just been difficult for you to work on, which again, I get it.

I've been there myself, and that's normal. But I also wonder if this note hits on some deeper level. Maybe it exposes a tender spot in your personality. It rubs up against some core vulnerability or value or self-concept of yours, for example, that you're not the kind of person who condescends or that you don't have some important things to work on, or that you shouldn't struggle with anything in general.

So to really let this note in and go, huh, okay, maybe there is a part of me even like if it's a small part of me, even if it's unconscious. That does kind of wanna be superior to other people that does wanna know more than the other person. That does wanna be the teacher as opposed to the student that might actually be kind of wounding on some level.

And as I'm sure you know, wherever there's a wound or just a tender spot, those are the pressure points we tend to protect. And those are the points where shame can creep in. And one defense against that shame is to just be superior, to be knowledgeable, to assert control. And my hunch is that is at the root of this problem of yours or, or at least that's playing a role.

So if you wanna work on this, and I know you do, it's time to start looking at that stuff. I personally think that there's great value in doing this kind of introspection and sussing out the root of the impulse to defend against feedback of all kinds, because that's also a theme in your story and resolving that underlying defense.

I think that's probably gonna be a game changer across your life.

[00:25:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well said, Jordan. I completely agree. But look, even if you don't wanna dig into all that stuff, you can still work on the condescension piece just by catching yourself every time you feel the urge to go, well, I'm actually doing this from a place of love.

Or you know, like, oh yeah, I know I could be a little. Holier than thou sometimes, but I don't mean to be, it's just how I talk. Just stop doing that and just sit in the tension of the note that you're getting for a moment and let it in at that point. What you'll find, I think, is that some really interesting options open up for you.

One option is to just listen. You know, you can just notice what getting a note brings up for you, where you might tense up, where you might get a little angry, where you might get a little anxious. You can hang in the feeling of, oh wow, I actually don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing or saying right now.

Or, oh, interesting. My impulse is to be the guy who knows better, but maybe I don't know better. So let me find out what it's like to show up in this conversation. Not as that guy, you know, maybe it's as somebody who's a little more uncertain, somebody a little bit raw, basically somebody who's more vulnerable.

And the beauty of that vulnerability, especially in your line of work, is that that is the quality that creates trust and rapport, which is exactly what you're hoping to achieve.

[00:26:33] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. I have this feeling that just embracing this note and letting himself live in the discomfort a little more, that might be like 80% of fixing the behavior, which is actually really exciting.

I also wanna recommend a book that I think would be great for you. It's called Becoming Coachable. It was actually recommended to us by our bud, Michelle Tillis Letterman, a terrific executive coach. I think she might even be quoted in the book, but don't quote me on that. And the whole book, as you can tell from the title, is about cultivating the mindsets and processes that make you coachable, becoming the best possible student so that other people can help you.

So that's your move, my man, just slowly dropping this defense, letting it in, seeing what happens. I mean, look, these people obviously told you that because they wanna see you succeed and I'm pumped for you because I've struggled with this in my own life at certain moments. I'm sure Gabe maybe has too.

For sure. It's really exciting and honestly it's inspiring to find out what you're capable of when you just stop resisting people who are trying to help you. So good on you for getting to this point. Keep letting the note in, and I know it'll take you to some amazing places. And hey, I really hope I managed to say all this without being condescending myself, hard to do on an advice show without coming across.

Like we know more than you, except of course. Of course we do. And that's why you listen. And you should be thanking us for fixing your life. No, I'm kidding. You've got this man. These people wanna help you. We wanna help you. You already know where the problem is. You've got this. Good luck. I. You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com.

Keep your emails concise, use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If you were scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars with your pants literally around your ankles, your business partner of decades is now ghosting you, or you're struggling to grieve for a parent who also did real harm to people in your life, whatever's got you staying up at night lately.

Hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Alright, next up.

[00:28:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. I've been living in the US for almost 20 years, and during my recent visit home to France, I had several conversations with my sister and brother-in-Law about climate change.

They are obsessed with it and have taken many measures to decrease their carbon footprint. They stopped flying five years ago, and my nephew has also become eco anxious. The thing is, I love music and concerts, and there's a festival in France where many artists that I love and haven't toured in a while will be performing and I want to go.

That would involve flying there just for four days for a festival, not really a green gesture. I'm concerned about how my sister will see that and whether it'll create tension between us. I tried to test the waters, joking that she could meet me there. It's just a train right away, and added that I was torn because it's not really climate friendly.

She replied, well, when I hesitate, I think about my kids in 2050 and the decision is made. Yikes. The problem is that I really want to go. I've spent many years isolated and I feel like I wanna live again, meet people, see those artists I love and dance the night away. But I'm afraid my relationship with my sister is gonna take a big hit, that I'm gonna be the person who doesn't care about her kids' future, and that she's gonna give me a horrible guilt trip.

In addition to hating me, I've always tried to be reasonable and pay attention to how I impact the climate. I recycle. I don't buy fast fashion. I'm vegan. I've limited my plane trips to about four per year, but I also believe that the individual actions of millions of people like you and me will never have a significant impact.

As long as the big polluters and wealthy people flying on private jets don't do their part. Our individual actions are just a drop in the ocean. I could go to the fest and try to hide it from her, but she would eventually find out, would you go to the fest? Is this unreasonable? If I were to go, how best to discuss and handle this whole thing with my sister?

Signed looking for a blueprint to discuss this matter of my footprint.

[00:30:17] Jordan Harbinger: It's a great question and such an interesting conflict to have with a family member. So it is, I mean, to cut to the chase here. No, I do not think you wanting to attend this festival is unreasonable and I absolutely think you should go if this will be fun, stimulating, and if it's gonna be a meaningful trip for you.

Your sister and her family. I mean, they're not wrong about the climate. It's obviously changing and it's a huge concern for many people, uh, for most of us, which I would assume, but these sacrifices they're making in a way they're very noble and they're probably the changes that we all need to make if we wanna make a difference.

And I admire them on some level, but what I don't agree with. Is her imposing those values on you, expecting that you curtail your life in the way that they have guilt tripping you if you're not as militant about climate change as they are.

[00:31:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, especially because all of the way she is contributing to the solution,

[00:31:04] Jordan Harbinger: right?

She recycles, which, you know, mixed picture about how useful recycling actually is. We covered that on Skeptical Sunday. That was episode six 80. But the intention is good. She doesn't buy h and m tank tops that fall apart every six weeks. She limits her plane travel.

[00:31:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: She's vegan.

[00:31:19] Jordan Harbinger: Right. I knew you would pick up on that part, obviously.

[00:31:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, obviously I'm biased, but I'm not even talking about the ethics about it. Just the impact of being vegan on your carbon footprint is very real and it's significant.

[00:31:28] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, for sure. Look, I I, this is why people don't like you guys. I read in the New York Times recently that people who are plant-based account for 75% less in greenhouse gas emissions than people who eat more than three and a half ounces of meat a day, which by the way, that is not a lot of meat.

I guarantee you that. I eat more than that for sure, and a vegan diet definitely does less harm to land, water, biodiversity, all that. I'm not vegan, obviously. I have no plans to be vegan, but I can't deny that the data is real. So she's already making a huge difference to the planet here. Possibly even more than her sister and brother-in-law and their child, assuming they're not vegan, which I gather they're not,

[00:32:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, also one of the be uncomfortable thing to talk about, but one of the best ways to help the planet is to not have children.

But she didn't do that because she wanted a child.

[00:32:13] Jordan Harbinger: No. Yeah. Who by the way, she's giving that child eco anxiety, which is another thing that concerns me. Let me come back to that. Another study I recently read, I looked it up actually again, adding a child to the planet adds up to 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the environment.

That's equivalent to adding more than 2100 gas powered vehicles on the road for a year, or powering nearly 1200 homes for the same time period. So for a year. Damn. And it's funny because this article I read that quotes this study, it literally says that catching a flight from Washington DC to Paris, that specific trip would increase your carbon footprint by about one metric ton won.

Their kid, 9,441.

[00:32:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Fascinating screw

[00:32:57] Jordan Harbinger: uses.

[00:32:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: But look, I mean, yes and no. I mean, she wanted the joy of having a family more than she wanted to avoid creating another big carbon footprint in the world, which is fair. That's her choice. Mm-Hmm. But when her sister wants to do something that's joyful to her, she's unethical and she's compromising her child's future.

Right. That doesn't

[00:33:14] Jordan Harbinger: add up to me. No, it doesn't add up at all. You know what's compromising your child's future? Other kids and people having them look, she'd probably say that having a child is more important than catching fricking Macklemore at a festival or whatever. But again, that's not her business.

[00:33:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Also, she's not single-handedly ruining the environment. Right. Yeah. She touched on the collective action problem, and she's right about that. But more to the point, she's not the only person responsible for ruining her nephew's future or potentially ruining her nephew's future just because, you know, she took a.

Easy jet to carcass on to go catch MGMT in concert. Like that doesn't make sense.

[00:33:48] Jordan Harbinger: That's what really grinds my gears, right? How her sister is personalizing this and making it her problem when she is the tiniest part of this and arguably doing more for the environment than she is. So this just strikes me as a, it's very presumptuous and very unfair.

I mean, she's not going, you know, I wanna go take Molly and see the Chainsmokers perform and melt my face off. She's been isolated for years. She wants to go meet people, she wants to dance, she wants to have an experience that matters too.

[00:34:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally agree. And hopefully the lineup is better than the Chainsmokers, but I hear you.

The point still stands. So, no, I'd like them. I work out to them sometimes, but you know, hopefully you get some more diversity on that lineup. So the way you communicate that to your sister is, listen sis, I know how you feel about plane travel, and I get it, I really do. But I've thought a lot about this trip.

It feels important for me to have this experience. It matters to me. So I'm gonna do it. And I know it might not sit well with you, and if it doesn't, I respectfully ask that you not give me a hard time about the carbon footprint of it all. And it's not that I disagree with you, I share your view to a large degree.

But you know, I already take a lot of steps to minimize my carbon footprint, right? In part because of our conversations. And I don't want to miss my life because I'm worried that you are gonna make me feel bad about it. So you're welcome to have whatever opinion you have and I respect it, but please don't guilt trip me for taking a plane to go have this really cool, meaningful trip that I really need right now.

I mean, that's basically the script. And by the way, you don't have to say all of that in advance. Maybe you just say half of it, book the trip, and then if she gives you a hard time, which you know, maybe she won't, maybe she'll surprise you. But if she does give you a hard time, then you can say the rest of it.

[00:35:15] Jordan Harbinger: I like it. I might leave out Gabe's. Well, if you care so much about Gaia, you shouldn't have had a kid. I, I might leave out that little argument.

[00:35:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: Definitely do not include that. That is not gonna win you any points with your sister.

[00:35:25] Jordan Harbinger: But the thing is, it's true, which apparently makes me a monster being the progenitor of not one, but two additional carbon-based pollution machines.

But I can live with that at the end of the day. Are we gonna what? Stop. We're gonna stop having kids. N no. I mean, we can stop doing a zillion other things that pollute way more. Sorry,

[00:35:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: I didn't want to be the one to bring it up, but yes, you are basically an ecological terrorist. Guilty, and you need to live with that.

But you know, you do balance it up by putting out a good show. So,

[00:35:50] Jordan Harbinger: exactly. I'm reducing my carbon footprint by producing episodes about fast fashion and the hidden cost of cobalt mining there. That's my offset. You're welcome, Greenpeace.

[00:35:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: But listen, what I'm actually the most interested in here in your story is why your sister gets to you so much.

I believe you when you say that she guilt trips you, that she might even hate you for prioritizing your life. Mm-Hmm. But for her to affect you so deeply, there must be a part of you that is quite vulnerable to her opinions, to her feelings. And I wonder if it was always that way between you, or if this is a more recent thing, probably goes back a long way.

I do think there's some work for you to do on being a little more secure in your values, in your decisions, so that you can become a little more immune to your sister's judgments. What you're describing is not unusual. It's really hard not to let our loved ones get under our skin. I. I also think that this whole conflict with your sister is an opportunity for you to explore why she affects you so deeply.

[00:36:42] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, and if it's actually true that her sister would hate her for this, I mean, she might be disappointed, she might be judgy, she might be a sanctimonious jerk about it, but would she really hate her or is that just what it feels like at the moment?

[00:36:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm so curious to know what process goes on between the two of them when they talk and and inside each of them to produce all of these difficult feelings, these fears that she's gonna hate her.

But look, let's imagine that your sister really would hate you for this. I don't think she really would deep down. But let's just imagine what then, because that doesn't have to be the end of the story. Can you allow her to have her opinions and her feelings about you and still live your life? Can you make as much room for your own right to go?

Take a cool trip as you do for her right to hold you responsible for her child's future? I feel that your sister needs to be a little bit more understanding, a little less militant about her values for sure, but you would also benefit from being a little bit more secure in yours.

[00:37:32] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I agree. Gabe. And just to come back to her son's eco anxiety, the reason that jumped out at me is being thoughtful about your carbon footprint, caring about the environment.

Uh, it's one thing, it's important. I don't be littering and, you know, throwing lightened styrofoam on fire like I did as a kid. All parents should teach their kids to take care of this world. Okay. Giving your child eco anxiety. That's another thing entirely. This tells me that this sister isn't just bringing up her child to be a good steward of mother nature or whatever.

She's probably downloading her fears and anxieties onto this kid. She's freaking him out. And that's also what makes me feel that sister needs to check herself here because her way of advocating for the environment is depriving her sister of living a full life and apparently giving her child a some sort of weird complex about the future.

So I, I say go take the trip, be safe, have fun, meet some good people, listen to some great music. Reconnect with life, whatever with yourself. Make every moment count. That's one of the ways you can honor this opportunity and justify the impact. The, again, very minimal impact to the environment, but also you've built up some very real credits over the years.

So I really do believe you can enjoy this trip, guilt free, certainly as long as China. China continues to be the world's largest greenhouse gas emitter. And Taylor Swift is flying private for her world tour, no shade to Taytay, our pastry chef from last week's grand deity and apparently Gabe's daily exercise soundtrack.

I know she's a boss and she needs to get around for her billion dollar tour, but the future of our species does not only fall on your shoulders here, save travels

[00:39:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: and have fun. I maintain that. Shake it off is a great workout song and I'm not gonna apologize for it.

[00:39:04] Jordan Harbinger: You know what you need to shake off is that Taytay and the Chainsmokers playlist that I know you have on Spotify.

[00:39:09] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's too good. I'm never gonna do that, but okay. Noted.

[00:39:11] Jordan Harbinger: Now for something else. Your sister's definitely gonna hate capitalism. We'll be right back.

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Alright, now back to feedback. Friday. Okay, what's next?

[00:42:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe. About a month ago I was with my husband and 12-year-old daughter in his shoe store at the local mall. We were in line behind a man checking out with his four to 5-year-old son. The little boy started whining about a pair of sneakers he wanted, and the dad grabbed the front of his shirt and got in his face and said something like, shut up, or, I'll fuck you up.

Wow. And shove the kid back. My husband and I immediately felt upset. We looked at each other and I could tell my husband wanted to do something with the two employees and those of us in line that witnessed this. There were a total of five adults who stood there and did nothing to intervene. I can't stop thinking about this little boy.

I keep thinking that if this man felt comfortable putting his hands on his son and threatening him in his face with the F word, what else is he capable of doing behind closed doors? My husband is a big, strong man and knows how to fight, but this could have been a whole big mess in front of his family.

He didn't wanna put us at risk. Also, gun violence in situations like this are a potential threat as well. My husband and I are both mandated reporters because we're both educators and I've reported before this situation was different because it was brief and outside of school also, was it actually abuse?

What, if anything, should we have done differently in this situation? Signed a conflicted pedagogue, replaying her inner monologue about whether to get involved to protect an underdog. Oh man, this is interesting, Jordan. I just remember this super weird thing that happened to me in New York. I, I wanna say it was like 10 or 12 years ago or something.

I was standing, I was actually trying to cross the West Side Highway and I was at the crosswalk and we were waiting for the light to change and there were maybe 20 or 30 people at the corner waiting. And I heard a little commotion to my right and I wasn't really paying attention, but then I hear like a little cry and then I hear a bunch of people kind of gasp and I look over and I kind of catch the tail end of a guy shoving hard, his girlfriend, and she fell to the ground and it was so sad.

And it was so uncomfortable because everybody was like shocked by this. And she just picked herself up and silently like stood up and moved near him again. And then they continued to argue. You could just feel everybody trying to figure out, like, do we do something? What do we do? But the guy who shoved her was scary.

He was like visibly a scary person and nobody did anything. And I felt kind of sick to my stomach. And I was also like, I'm so confused. Like, am I really gonna march up to this potential psychopath and give him a lecture about domestic violence in New York City? Like, no. But on the other hand, my failing this woman who's, who knows what's gonna happen later when she goes home.

But then you also have the question, is it my job? And if she doesn't take care of herself, do I need to take, it's so, it's very confusing, but I totally relate to this listener hard position to be in.

[00:44:50] Jordan Harbinger: Damn. Yeah. I've had a couple moments like that myself and they're, they are always kind of shocking and uncomfortable.

'cause it's like, yeah, do I step in? No, I don't wanna get shot by somebody like this. You know, your husband may know how to fight, but like he is not bulletproof. Do I hang back? Do I fail to protect this poor person? What is my responsibility here? It's very confusing and I gotta say, it's such a hard story for me to hear as a parent.

My son is also four. Sure. He whines for stuff sometimes, rarely at stores, but I could never even imagine. Speaking to him that way. I've been super mad at this kid before, like lunatic can't control myself. Mad at him. And I think the worst thing I've ever said to him is like, enough, you shut your mouth, you're driving me crazy.

And he's like, oh, he feels really bad. And immediately I feel like crap and I apologize. And I tell him it's not okay for me to talk to him like that. And like I try and make him laugh so that we forget about it and I ask him how he's feeling about it. But gra because I don't want him to like bottle it up or feel like he can't say anything.

But Sure. Grabbing your kid and telling them that you're gonna fuck them up is absolutely psycho. I cannot even imagine the wounds that that kid's gonna have. Like you're whining for shoes. 'cause you can't control yourself when you think they're cool and then suddenly the guy that you look up to the most tells you he's gonna hurt you physically.

That's so terrifying, so sad. We wanted to run all this by a real expert, so we reached out to Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist and friend of the show. I'm also known to the people who know me the best as the duck, and Dr. Marla said the same thing, witnessing stuff like this is deeply unsettling.

You see something horrific that makes your stomach turn you're disturbed because you're a decent person and you're still, I mean, you're still thinking about it. To answer your question, Dr. Marla said yes. What you saw was most certainly emotional abuse and emotional abuse includes the threat of violence, even if the violence isn't ultimately carried out, and obviously that doesn't mean there aren't other types of abuse happening as well.

So could you have stepped to the dad and been like, that's enough bucko. You talk to your kid like that again, I'm calling the cops or giving him some sort of lecture. I mean, sure you could have, but as you pointed out, that could have and probably would have escalated the situation and created some danger for you and your family.

And man, that's a real concern, especially these days. People have hair trigger tempers. Guys who are violent often carry weapons because they beget violence. So who needs that? But also, who knows if that would've even helped? Maybe it would set the dad off even more. The family goes home and then the father beats his son up even more because he's embarrassed and feeling ashamed about threatening his kid.

Who knows? That happens sometimes you just don't know. The other problem is emotional abuse is a lot harder to prove than like physical or sexual abuse, where there's often more concrete evidence, cuts, bruises, broken limbs, behavioral issues, stuff like that. So I'm not entirely sure if the police or CPS would even be able to do something if you did report.

I'm also not entirely sure that you are obligated legally speaking to report this. This can differ state to state, but here in California, for example, teachers are only required to report abuse in their professional capacity or within the scope of their employment, and I'm, I'm sure that's true in other states as well.

Maybe that's what you meant when you said that the situation was different because it was brief and outside of school. I don't know. So I don't think you need to feel some crushing guilt here. This situation is very, very different from, say, seeing one of your students show up to your class with bruises on his arm or his face.

In that case, you have to report, and I know you would. Also, even if you did report this, how do you report it without any information about this guy's family? Like, oh, I saw a guy threaten his kid at the mall. What are the police at CPS gonna do with that? Nothing, it's too vague. So again, have some grace for yourself, not because you're a sociopath and nobody cares about this kid, but because there are a lot of variables and limitations at play here.

Okay, all that said, what should you have done differently? Well, Dr. Margolis take was, eh, it's complicated. There are a lot of what ifs and unknowns here. You just don't know how this would've played out. She pointed out that it's really uncomfortable to sit with that ambiguity, to confront the fact that in some situations you really are powerless.

Her feeling was that the questions you are really wrestling with are, what do I do when I feel that sense of powerlessness and how do I reassert a sense of control when witnessing something like this makes me feel out of control, agonizing over whether you should have reported this, what you might do differently next time.

That might be one way of reasserting that control in order to avoid the anxiety and uncertainty that come with witnessing something horrible and not having done anything. But as Dr. Margolis pointed out, it's kind of an illusion because we ultimately can't control anything, and embracing that means leaning into the reality that the world is often, it's chaotic, it's unpredictable, it's ambiguous, and that even if we do everything right.

It still might not lead to the desired outcome or deliver that sense of control.

[00:49:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I totally agree with that. And I also do wonder if there's a part of her that feels guilty or ashamed for not intervening, and she might be looking for us to tell her that it's okay that she didn't, and I get it. Sure.

And as you can see, we all feel that you did not bail on your responsibility here, but it might be good for you to notice that need to be reassured and maybe trace that back, see why you might be looking for some validation in this instance. Because as Dr. Margolis also pointed out our reactions to moments like this.

These are also informed by our own histories, our own experiences, right? So if you're an educator or you're a parent, you might respond to a child being hurt very differently. And if you were hurt yourself as a child, for example, witnessing something like this could be very triggering. And all of these can provoke all sorts of trauma responses.

The whole, you know, fight, flight, freeze fawn thing. So it's possible that in this moment in the shoe store, your freeze response got activated because again, it's scary and you don't know if intervening might make things even more dangerous. By the way, I think I would have the exact same reaction, but somebody with a different past and different wiring, maybe they go flight, they run away, or they go fight, right?

They tap the dad on the shoulder and they shove him, and who knows what happens at that point, full on 50 cuffs in the Footlocker or whatever. So even if you wanted to do something, maybe you couldn't actually do anything in the moment. And if so, Dr. Margolis is feeling is that that doesn't mean that you need to find ways to override your nervous system in the future.

In hindsight, it's so easy to beat yourself up and go, ugh. Should have marched up to that guy. I should have put myself between him and his son. I should have yelled at him in front of all those people and protected that kid. But in moments like that, your brain is not functioning the way it does under more regulated circumstances.

So you can't expect yourself to behave in ways that it literally couldn't, even if that's helpful.

[00:51:22] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. And hey, we're all heroes in the car on the way home. It's very different when you're watching a lunatic with a concealed carry permit. Scream at his son at TJ Maxx. Mm-Hmm. I'm a father and a dude who's done episodes about how to act in stressful situations, and I still would not have stepped in.

I mean, it's just too dangerous. That said, might you do something different next time? Maybe. Maybe this experience makes you think about how and when to intervene in the future. I'm not saying you should absolutely stay outta something like this a hundred percent of the time, and there's no point in trying.

But again, you have to remember, you can do all the right things and still fail to protect someone. You can create an even more dangerous situation for yourself. You can unintentionally make things harder for the victim. But here's what Dr. Margolis did want you to take away from this. Your response does not mean that you morally condone this behavior, but that you didn't care enough to protect this child.

You obviously have a big heart, a strong conscience, a real desire to protect people. You're probably a great teacher and this doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you failed. That's important to hang onto and to not need to defend too much. Big thanks to Dr. Margolis for her wisdom and advice. Dr.

Margolis is seeing patients in Los Angeles and virtually throughout California. You can learn more about her and her approach@draaronmargolis.com. Alright, what's next?

[00:52:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe. A few months back, I was given notice that I would be laid off from my employer of 18 years

[00:52:44] Jordan Harbinger: that, I'm sorry to hear that.

18 years. That is a, yeah, that's tough.

[00:52:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: During that time, I was allowed to apply to any open positions at the company. I applied to two different roles. Let's call them Job A and job B. I was far along in the process with Job A earlier this year. In fact, I was informally told that I was gonna get the job.

Then I was called to interview for Job B. My first thought was, I already have Job A nailed down, so there's no need to interview for Job B. But then I reconsidered, I interviewed for Job B and it went really well. I enjoyed the conversation with my interviewer. A few days later, I got the formal job offer for Job A.

[00:53:20] Jordan Harbinger: Alright, amazing. What a turn of events. Well done. You're clearly valuable to this place, and I would, I would hope so after 18 years that they'd find a place for you.

[00:53:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Before I accepted, I went back to the job B interviewer to let her know. Turns out I wasn't gonna be considered for Job B because I lacked experience in a few areas.

But instead of ending the call, we kept talking. She told me how much she enjoyed our conversation and thought I had really good insights about the company. She asked that we stay in touch. She even wants me to come speak to her team. I was excited that I was hired for Job A, but am equally excited that I made this new relationship.

I just wanna remind listeners that you should always go on job interviews if offered. You never know where they may lead signed. Don't call me Robert Frost. 'cause two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I'm not sorry that I traveled both.

[00:54:08] Jordan Harbinger: That's some sort of literary callback that I will never understand.

Okay, this is exactly right, and thank you for sharing this story with us. It is such a great reminder that you can never lose by planting more seeds. Actually, our job in life professionally for sure, but actually in every area I would argue, is just to keep planting those seeds because like you just found out, those seeds can sprout in all kinds of unexpected ways, and it is super fun to invest a little time and energy into people and then find out, I don't know, a month later, six months later, sometimes years later, that that creates these really cool dividends.

Happens all the time. We hear these stories constantly. I love them. That's digging the well folks. So yeah, well done.

[00:54:48] Gabriel Mizrahi: I love this story too, but what I love the most is that his first thought was, eh, I already got the job. I don't need to interview for this other job. I know. But then he was like, Hmm, let me just talk to this person.

Why not? And before he knows it, he's building this great relationship and they're getting along and he is being invited to speak to her team where he is probably gonna develop even more relationships. It's just funny how much of life is like that, right? You just don't know where stuff is gonna lead or how a situation is gonna play out, or whether it's even worth your time.

I mean, how many coffee dates have you been on when you're like, this could be nut, and then two years later something incredible happens, or you help that person or whatever. But usually it does turn out to be valuable depending on how much you put into it,

[00:55:26] Jordan Harbinger: right? That limited mind, which I also have to fight against.

Sometimes it wants to go like, ugh, whatever, not worth it. But a more playful mind, a more generous mind wants to go, Hey, let's just play around and talk and see what's what. Just in case. Worst case, I got a new contact and it often does work out.

[00:55:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: Such a great theme on feedback Friday. I find it comes up a lot with the people who write in, who are trying to figure out, you know, like do I go with path A or do I go with path B?

Do I invest in this opportunity or do I pursue that opportunity? And a lot of the time I just wanna say, I don't know. You don't know. So the answer you're looking for is not in gaming out this whole scenario. It's just investing in every direction generously and trusting that that is gonna pan out well for you.

And it's just amazing to see how life has a way of taking care of you when you do that.

[00:56:10] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Those dots always have a way of connecting up, but they can't connect up if you don't put 'em on the board in the first place. Mm-Hmm. So much of this is just mindset and process over, you know, like goals and expectations.

Well done, my friend. I'm super proud of you for landing this new role in your company. So awesome that you turned this loss into multiple wins. You should be really proud and thank you for sharing this with us because it really brings to life what we try to share on this show as much as possible. So good luck and keep planting them seeds.

Hope y'all enjoyed that. I want to thank everybody who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Sharon Ranana if you haven't done so yet. I, I'm pretty proud that I got that name right on the first try. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network.

The circle of people I know, like and trust, just like we talked about in that last question there. And I'm teaching you how to do the same thing for yourself and build the same thing for yourself in our six minute networking course. The course is free. I don't need your credit card number. You're not gonna get billed.

It is not schmoozy. You can find it on the Think If It platform@sixminutenetworking.com. And these drills, they take a few minutes a day. This is the stuff I wish I knew 20 years ago. Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. Build those relationships before you need them, even if you think you'll never need 'em again.

Six minute networking.com. Also, subreddit man. Over 700 members have joined since we last mentioned this, which I think is really cool. So if you are on Reddit and you wanna talk about episodes of the show, find us at the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. Uh, Gabe, you're in there. What is it? What's your flair in that one?

It's like Master of Goat Yoga.

[00:57:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Goat Yoga Master.

[00:57:39] Jordan Harbinger: I think it was. I regret that. Mine's gonna be like Cheeto feed or something. I bet you deserve that, honestly. I know I do. So if you're on Reddit, check us out at the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. Our newsletter wee bit wiser is kicking butt. A lot of great feedback.

It's delivered once a week. It's a two minute read. If you wanna keep up with the wisdom from our 1000 plus episode catalog and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at Jordan harbinger.com/news. Lot of good feedback. You can hit reply and reach us. It's just a fun thing to have in the inbox every Wednesday.

Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers discounts, and ways to support the show. All at Jordan harbinger.com/deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. Also, I'm on LinkedIn with all the s same people who have their names attached. And don't just randomly cuss each other out.

You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Foggerty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer. I ain't your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show.

Dr. Margolis input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It doesn't represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show with Amanda Cat, who was raised in a cult and later sex and labor trafficked.

[00:59:19] Clip: The women were trained to be insanely submissive. Like you could never say no to any man, and then the men were trained in a very military way. These people are well armed and well-trained, and it's a whole group that thinks that the world is evil and they need to repopulate the world with their people to bring the kingdom of God.

When you turn 13 in that culture, you're an adult. So to be 13 years old, being courted by men twice my age, three times my age to see if I would make a good wife, it was just kind of outrageous. So I moved to California to go to school and I start training MMA and my trafficker was there. He was actually one of my boxing coaches.

Then he's like, you know, I like you, and so now we're dating. So this is my first adult relationship. He's. Twice my age at this point. And then he would always take me up to his cabin on the mountain, which was really far away from everybody else. No phone service, isolation. And it was on a Native American reservation.

So whatever they wanted to do to me, they could, oops, you accidentally got gang raped. That was very common of going to go train. And then all of a sudden, now that you've fought 12 rounds, mm-hmm, now you're going to be raped. A girl ran a red light and T-boned my truck. So I pull out my phone and I text my trafficker and I say, Hey, I almost just died a car accident.

And he said, is your face kicked up? And I'm like, no. And he said, well, you're still fuckable then. Something isn't right here. This isn't who I want to be. This isn't what I want. And it was like I was coming outta water. I had this moment of clarity and I knew something wasn't right and I knew this wasn't what I wanted.

And I knew I needed to act fast in order to get out of that situation. 'cause I knew it'd get sucked back in

[01:01:16] Jordan Harbinger: to hear how she escaped her dire situation. Check out episode 6 31 of the Jordan Harbinger Show.

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