1199: Pursuit of Happiness Vexed by a Litigious Ex | Feedback Friday

1199: Pursuit of Happiness Vexed by a Litigious Ex | Feedback Friday

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the Globetrotter who's my fellow rope walker across this abyss of life drama, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. And during the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, mafia enforcers, drug traffickers, former jihadis, economic hitman, and more. This week we had Dr. Caroline Fleck on the power of validating other people how effective it is, how important it is, and how it can deepen your relationships with not only other people, but also yourself.

And we also did a skeptical Sunday, last Sunday on CBD. On Fridays though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and go spit lucking in the labyrinthine caverns of your most confusing conundrum. Before we jump into our stories today, we've got some passionate takes on two letters that we aired recently and we [00:01:00] wanted to talk about them quickly here at the top.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. One was the letter from the woman who was thinking about becoming a single mother by choice and SNBC, and her family was like, uh, are you sure you wanna do that? Do you know how hard that's gonna be? That was episode 1184. The other was the letter from the woman in her forties whose father who was absent for most of her life, was basically discouraging her relationship with her 60 something year old boyfriend who was apparently great, although he was also still cohabitating with his ex-wife, which complicated the story a little bit.

That was episode 1187.

Jordan Harbinger: Right? So a few of you felt that in both letters. We were basically telling these women. Hey, screw your friends and families. Their opinions don't count. Just do whatever you want. Which, you know, not exactly what I remember us saying, uh, but I think I can understand why it might have come across that way a little bit.

It's true that in both letters, our advice was basically something along the lines of, look, if this is what you know in your bones is right for you, if you're a hundred percent sure this is your path, or this is your person, then you're gonna have to do what's right for you. And you're gonna have to decide which voices to listen to [00:02:00] in your life, right?

But that is not the same as, you know, like

Gabriel Mizrahi: f the haters. Mm-hmm. Don't listen to your family and friends who probably love you and want the best for you. Just you do you girl, you know, which seemed to be what a few of you thought we were saying.

Jordan Harbinger: I always find it interesting, Gabriel. We'll say this nuanced position and people will go.

Clearly you're saying this totally extreme version of that position and I disagree with you, and it's like if you can't disagree with us without straw manning, it's almost like you don't really disagree with us.

Gabriel Mizrahi: I would say it's the tiny minority of the people listen to the show, but it happens. It does happen.

Yeah. Even though we're trying to find the contours, I think sometimes people hear perhaps what they want to hear. Yeah. Or really don't want to hear and then write an email about it.

Jordan Harbinger: Sure. Look, I'll admit that in that second letter, I was very much in the camp of, hey, your absentee father who probably created the very daddy issues he's blaming for your attraction to older men and who doesn't seem interested in even understanding what your relationship with your partner is like.

Maybe that guy's opinion is basically irrelevant, especially at 43. That's what I keep going back to. It would be different if that listener was like 18 or even 25 or 30. Although I'd still ask if [00:03:00] her absent and dismissive father has a right to tell her who to date as an adult. But that's very different from saying, Hey, if anyone in your life disagrees with your choices, just ignore them.

They're not worth listening to, which is not how I feel at

Gabriel Mizrahi: all. If you listen to the show a lot, you have probably heard us say things like, well, okay, you might not love what these people have to say, but do they have a point? Is there a kernel of truth to what they're saying? You know, is there at least something worth considering in there, even if you end up going a different way?

Jordan Harbinger: And in fact, didn't we say that in both stories with the S nbc? I think we did. Yeah, exactly. With the single mother by choice. I think we said that her family might have just. Had some understandable reservations about her choice, which is unconventional and challenging, even if it's the path for her, and it might be worth hearing them out and preparing for that.

And with the woman dating the older guy, I remember spending a decent amount of time talking about the fact that he's still living with his ex-wife.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. We were wondering if maybe that was part of the reason that some people in her life were not entirely on board with this guy.

Jordan Harbinger: Right. So I'm a little puzzled by this criticism to be honest, but I, I do know I got [00:04:00] pretty worked up about that dad weighing in on her love life just because of the facts of the story you did.

Anyway, this is less about defending our take and more about clarifying. This is not our general stance when it comes to dealing with challenging feedback or differing opinions from family and friends. If anything, I believe more and more that when we meet criticism and resistance from people in our lives, especially when those people are on solid ground and have our best interests at heart, it's best to meet them with curiosity and openness, even if you ultimately disagree.

There are just some situations where you have to say, thank you for sharing your opinion, but I'm going a different way. And you just have to have conviction in your choice.

Gabriel Mizrahi: The other criticism we got about the SNBC letter was that we talked a lot about her reasons for wanting to have a child on her own, but we didn't talk much about the potential impact this would have on her son.

Mm. You know, growing up without a father and whether that's fair to do to a child.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. That was a much fairer criticism in my view. It's not that that wasn't on our minds, it just wasn't entirely within the scope of what she was talking about. She was basically saying, I'm already pretty sure this is my path.

How do I deal with people who aren't [00:05:00] supportive?

Gabriel Mizrahi: But we do often try to consider other angles in addition to the questions that our listeners are explicitly writing in about. So I, I guess that is something we could have at least nodded to when we were talking about our story.

Jordan Harbinger: For sure. And it's also a tough topic though, because I'm not an expert about single parent households.

The data I've read has been mixed. Some experts are like, Hey, one amazing parent. Unconventional for sure. But definitely enough to be secure and get your needs met and succeed in life. Other experts say, Hey, it doesn't matter how great the single parent is, not having the other parent, especially boys who grew up without fathers.

Those kids tend to struggle in this way and that way, and they measure lower in this, in that category. So I don't know. Both arguments make sense, so I hesitate to tell someone, yeah, you definitely should not have a kid on your own. You're just gonna hold them back. Or, Hey, go for it. All kids need is one great mom.

I just can't say either of those things with confidence, although purely anecdotally, I do know several people who grew up with only one parent who do struggle in certain ways, like confidence, ambition, intimacy. So there's that. But then all human beings tend to struggle with something, even with two [00:06:00] parents.

So I mean, is it a result of only having one parent? I don't know. It's complicated,

Gabriel Mizrahi: right? It is very complicated. Look, if we could do that segment again, I would say, can you do this on your own and do it pretty successfully based on what you've shared, all the prep that you've done. She said she was very connected at a good community, had read a ton, et cetera.

Yeah, probably you could. Will there be certain things that your child will lack or struggle with also? Probably so. Do your research on the challenges. See if you can make peace with them. Think of this from your point of view and your potential child's point of view. And if you decide to do this, just put in the work to find good male influences who can at least try to fill in the gap because it is a gap, even if it isn't a fatal one, right?

Bingo.

Jordan Harbinger: And if we said that, we might have been overstepping a bit, but it's not like we don't overstep all the time. So, hey, fair enough. And thank you to everyone who writes in so passionately. Even when we disagree, it's still great to consider other perspectives. Anyway, that bit of apologia dispensed with Let's get to the dos and create some new reasons to have to retroactively defend our opinions.

Gabe, what's the first thing out of the [00:07:00] mailbag? Hi,

Gabriel Mizrahi: Jordan

Jordan Harbinger: and Gabe.

Gabriel Mizrahi: My ex and I were together for seven years. I wanted to leave several times, but kept getting pulled back by a mix of love manipulation and what I now understand was a trauma bond In late 2022, I had a miscarriage. After an unplanned pregnancy, we decided to try again and I became pregnant in early 2023.

Around that time, he lost his job at a serious ski accident and began to mentally spiral. His behavior became erratic, controlling, and at times violent. Eventually, I made the decision to leave with my dog for my safety and for the safety of my unborn child. That decision triggered a string of escalating events.

He called the police on me for taking the dog, which ironically led to his arrest for domestic violence. Despite this, I fought for him against the da, even working with his attorney to get the charges dropped. I thought I was doing the right thing for my family, but the charges were sealed and dismissed, and his behavior only worsened when I refused to let him move [00:08:00] back into my home, which I own.

He briefly checked into a mental health facility. After being released, he resumed manipulative behavior and ultimately sent me a text accusing me of raping him for a baby. That was my breaking point. I cut off all contact to protect my mental health and focus on the pregnancy. I gave birth and didn't hear from him for six months until I was blindsided with a civil lawsuit over property coupled with false claims of sexual assault.

He lost that case, but it was just the beginning. Since then, he has filed multiple civil suits and appeals. Tried to press criminal charges, which the police dismissed for lack of credibility, filed a retaliatory protection from abuse, request a PFA full of fabrications, which was also denied. The judge even removed him from the courtroom, continued showing up uninvited, leaving items behind my car, and even blocking my car in with a mattress while I was pregnant, leading to the extension of my PFA against him.

On the same day, he agreed to the temporary PFA [00:09:00] extension He filed for custody. Despite everything. About six months ago, he was granted two hours of supervised visitation per week. In the seven months since he has falsely reported, my mother to the state nursing board called Child Protective Services on me three times, filed multiple contempt motions.

All of them dismissed or pushed aside, appealed every case he's lost. Called the police seven times during his scheduled visitations, stalked me through mutual acquaintances to learn who I'm dating and where I go. Sent certified mail to my boyfriend's parents to intimidate me and told my child things like, don't worry, my PI will find where you are.

Wow. He keeps losing. But the legal harassment continues now. He's trying to expand his custody time. It's clear that this is not about co-parenting. It's a campaign of legal, emotional, and financial harassment meant to maintain control over me through the courts. I'm now with someone who is kind, loving, patient, and truly supportive, not just to me, but to my child.

I've worked hard to keep my past [00:10:00] and my presence separate, but as the situation drags on, the two inevitably bleed together. I've done everything right. I've documented everything, followed legal advice and have strong support from my family and friends. But the emotional toll of constantly looking over my shoulder and waiting for the next lawsuit, police call, or false accusation is overwhelming.

How do I move forward when I'm legally tied to someone who relentlessly uses the system to harm and control me? How do I protect my financial stability when I'm repeatedly dragged into court? What legal recourse do I have to prove that this is harassment? How can I co-parent safely when I genuinely fear for my child's wellbeing?

And maybe most importantly, how do I preserve my new healthy relationship in the middle of all of this? How do I show up fully in this relationship when I'm carrying this kind of stress, how do I check in with my partner and make sure that he feels cared for too? Signed searching for a shield or maybe a whole damn force field against my ex who wields these baseless appeals and makes me keep my eyes [00:11:00] peeled in this endless minefield.

Jordan Harbinger: Oh man, what a nightmare. A minefield. Indeed. I usually don't say things like this, but this is an actual crazy person you're dealing with. Although I appreciate your taking ownership of your role in what sounds like a very dysfunctional dynamic when you were together, but man, I'm very sorry that your ex has put you and your child through all of this.

I can only imagine how freaked out you must be. This is legitimately terrifying. It's exhausting. My heart goes out to you as per huge to get a handle on your legal options here. We reached out to attorney and friend of the show, Corbin Payne, and the first thing Corbin said was, kudos to you for getting out of that abusive situation and prioritizing your child.

As he put it to us, the legal system tries desperately hard to be helpful and protective, but it often gets manipulated by bad actors against innocent parties. It's just, it happens, and this sounds like a textbook example. The good news is it sounds like your ex has run headfirst into several judges, attorneys and cops who seem to recognize exactly what he is doing, which even though all of this is absurd and [00:12:00] gross and exhausting, that's pretty encouraging based on what you've shared.

I can't see a way you can co-parent with this guy safely. He sounds unhinged, erratic, relentless, and he, he doesn't seem to be signaling to you that he's even willing to collaborate or work toward a better relationship. I hope he gets there one day, but right now it sounds like he's just being an abusive, retaliatory piece of crap.

So let's talk about some proactive next steps you could pursue. First Corbin advised you to keep a physical and electronic file handy with all dismissed cases, negative court orders and false reports that your ex has filed. Then hand copies to any police officers who are investigating his BS claims or who walk into court the next time he files a lawsuit or take some sort of legal action.

Now, if you take these documents into court, Corbin said you will need certified copies. That's where the government agency who has custody of the documents, either stamps or creates a seal certifying that they issued the documents in your possession, that they're fair, they're accurate copies, right?

They're not just something you printed off on your own that are fake cops and judges [00:13:00] really hate having their time wasted and they really, really hate being manipulated. So if you can quickly and easily show the police that your ex is constantly trying to abuse the legal system to harass you, he's gonna piss off the authorities.

You may be spared having to offer a longer response. Now, speaking of harassment, Corbin said that if you have a protection from abuse order, your ex probably should have been arrested or held in contempt for the stalking in the mattress incident. So he was curious about whether the false reports and the abuse of process, basically using the system for illegitimate purposes, whether those were the basis for the PFA that you got.

This may or may not be how things are done in your state, but in Tennessee where Corbin practices and in other states too, you can get an order of protection or a restraining order against a person for filing false claims and harassing lawsuits against you. Then every time they try, they run the risk of finding themselves in contempt of court or charged with violating an order of protection, which means they get arrested and go to jail ideally.

So Corbin's take there is look into that and consult with an attorney. Also [00:14:00] contempt and committing a criminal act. Both of these are strong grounds for denying somebody expanded visitation with the child, potentially any custody rights at all. So in Corbin's view, you should consider going hard after your ex when he violates the PFA and either have him held in contempt of court or charged with a crime that might finally be enough for a judge in a custody hearing to look at the record and go, yeah, no, you're not getting any more time with your child.

In fact, you're not getting any time until you clean up your act and stop acting like a freaking psycho. I mean, that's, those are my words. Uh, a judge might be a little more politic. Corbin also feel that you need to explore avenues for getting a court order, forcing your ex to stop using the process against you.

If and when he does, to quote Corbin again, nail his ass. He said that it sucks being this nasty and aggressive, but it sounds like your ex is pretty much leaving you little to no recourse in his view. You need to act like you're in a knife, fight with somebody who cannot be reasoned with and has no ability to feel or express empathy.

No, don't pull any punches. Don't [00:15:00] try to reason with them. No mercy. To quote Corbin one more time here. It's Cobra Kai Rules. This is not Miyagi Do

Gabriel Mizrahi: that is a CPA banger right there. For sure. I love Corbin busts out with his little southern lawyer quips. But like of the nerdiest variety,

Jordan Harbinger: like, you know what?

DC comics like, lemme stop you right there. I do not know

Gabriel Mizrahi: I, I do not know what you're about to say. CPA contains multitudes. One of the many things I love about him now. Mm-hmm. Now, if you listen to the show a lot, you've probably heard Corbin say in the past that legal fights are usually not sprints, they're marathons.

So he feels that you really need to have the best mental health possible if you're gonna stay in this and fire back against your ex.

Jordan Harbinger: Yep. Corbin preempted us on this one. He literally said, I know Jordan and Gabe are gonna talk up therapy, but I strongly endorse this.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Corbin would also strongly encourage therapy for your child if and when you can swing it.

Now, we don't know how old your child is at this point in the story, but once they're at the right age talking basically maybe a little bit older, we all agree that they could benefit from seeing somebody, even if it's just doing like play therapy. And this is for a couple reasons. Number one. Your child's father [00:16:00] is clearly a traumatizing presence and almost certainly will inflict some kind of trauma on your child.

So obviously therapy can help a lot with that. It can give them the support they need, the space they need, all of that good stuff. But also, Corbin said that a therapist would be another witness, another asset to you. In this process, he told us that parents walk in a courtrooms all the time and they're like, my child is traumatized, my child is anxious.

You know, my child is afraid of their dad, whatever it is. But that needs proof beyond a parent's word. Having a professional who sees the child regularly come in and testify cogently to the effects that a parent like this is having on them, that could be enormously helpful. Corbin's, last piece of advice for you was find community, and it sounds like you're surrounded by family and friends, which is so wonderful.

I'm so happy to hear that. But Corbin would also encourage you to get involved with survivor groups for domestic abuse and stalking and nasty custody fights. Could check out a few different meetings. There are a ton of them. Some of them are online. Here are people's stories. Talk to them after the meeting.

There is something uniquely [00:17:00] powerful about being surrounded by people who understand the particular struggle that you are going through here. And also these folks would probably have good ideas and good leads on resources and local laws and attorneys and coping strategies and all of that good stuff.

Jordan Harbinger: Now, I understand that fighting this fully can become quite costly. Corbin's idea that it was try to request the court cause for these cases be assessed against your ex. Now, he did say that this is nearly impossible to collect against in these cases, and your ex is probably gonna make that as costly as possible.

But there are also nonprofits that provide help, assistance, and even counsel to victims of abuse and stalking. He would suggest you reach out to the local bar association in your state or county and ask them for help on that front. They should know where to send you. This would also be a great thing to ask the people you meet in support groups.

The best thing you can do in Corbin's view is keep that documentation of all the harassment on you at all times. 'cause if you can nip any investigation or whatever in the bud, that's the best way to actually avoid more costs.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Let's, uh, talk about your new relationship for a moment. You asked how to preserve that relationship and make sure that it still [00:18:00] succeeds even when you're dealing with all of this.

I think the key is just to keep showing up appropriately in this fight with your ex, but also know how and when to leave it at the door and enjoy your time with your new partner. Who by the way, sounds so great. So well done there. I do think that there is some healthy compartmentalization that has to happen here.

There's also a good amount of acceptance and surrender and focus and discipline just to not allow the stress around your ex to creep into the time with your boyfriend. And I know that's easier said than done. I get it. But this is a practice. It is something that you might be able to get better at. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your boyfriend about this stuff.

I think it's important to let him be there for you as well. I just mean when you're not actively being targeted or when you're not preparing for a hearing or when you're not getting ready to go to court, try as much as possible to not allow your ex to take up any more mental real estate than is absolutely necessary.

So journal about it. Vent to a friend, work through it with your therapist. Take it into your support group. That's a great use of it. Meditate, exercise, whatever it is that you need to do. You have so many people in [00:19:00] places to work through this stuff so it doesn't become an outsized burden to your boyfriend and it's sweet that you wanna make sure that he feels cared for too.

I mean, I think you could literally say to him, Hey, I know all of this stuff with my exes a lot. I know it can pull focus away from us. It takes up so much more energy than I wish it did. But how are you doing? Am I losing sight of you? Am I losing sight of us? Do you wanna talk about anything? I think just asking that question will probably be a big help.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, and I also think you can probably tell when you don't feel as close with your boyfriend when he might need some attention. So keep an eye on that and or tell him that it's okay for him to tell you when he feels a little neglected or deprioritized. I love that you're so thoughtful and attuned to him as you should be, but he can also speak up if he's struggling with something.

So look, unfortunately, I don't know if there's an easy way to move forward when you're legally tied to somebody who's determined to hurt and control you like this. To go back to an old feedback Friday chestnut, this is more about moving through until your ex either gets tired and gives up, or the system starts hitting back at him and holding him accountable probably with your help.

Your job [00:20:00] now is knowing when to fight the good fight and when to surrender and be patient. I imagine you'll move between those two for a while until something shifts, and I hope it does shift as soon as possible because you and your child deserve peace and you deserve to build a very different life, sending you your child and your boyfriend a big hug and wishing you all the best.

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Visit Jordan harbinger.com/deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next?

Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, about 10 years ago, my dad received a worker's comp settlement and with the best intentions, used it to purchase a few rental properties. The catch the properties are in a state where neither he nor his kids, my brother and I live.

His nephew, whom I've never met, lives in that state, and manages the properties. He handles everything from repairs and finding tenants to evictions and rent increases, taking a small management fee. While I don't suspect any foul play from the nephew, the logistical nightmare has become my burden. My dad is a simple man who lives on an island and helps cook in a restaurant.

He doesn't travel or have a checking account. He wanted to leave us some wealth, but he didn't consult us, and I was completely unprepared for the responsibilities of being a landlord, collecting rent, taxes, reporting income, et cetera. It's [00:24:00] taken me almost a decade to realize that I need to get this set up correctly.

The properties are still in my dad's name, but the rent money goes into an account that my brother and I access. We cover property, taxes, insurance, and repairs. My dad occasionally asks for funds, which is fine as it's his money, but my brother also takes from the account as needed. I've taken minimally, but I'm doing all the work, worrying and taking on the most risk.

Here's where it gets complicated. I've tried to transfer the homes into an LLC that I created, but I'm hitting brick walls. Attorneys in my state say that I need an LLC in the state where the homes are located. An attorney in that state requires my dad's involvement, but his nephew acts as his power of attorney.

We almost had an attorney on board, but they backed out explicitly citing quote, unquote, too much fraud and refusing our case. I just need someone to guide me through this process. Also, because my dad doesn't have a checking account, we sometimes get bizarre urgent requests to Western Union or MoneyGram funds to random people.

While I trust [00:25:00] that my dad wouldn't be involved in anything nefarious, I worry that he's being manipulated by others who could deplete his remaining assets, which are essentially tied up in these homes. Finally, my dad is getting older and I'm sure he doesn't have a will. I wanna secure these homes to protect my family's future, but I feel lost about how to proceed.

Part of me just wants him to sell the homes and wash my hands of this, but I know that money would likely be gone quickly leaving nothing for him if he truly needs it later. We don't come from a family with experience in these matters, and I just don't know where to start or who can help manage all these moving parts.

What do I need to do legally to get our house in order? What do I do about these weird money requests? How do I create a will and a legal structure for these assets when I can't seem to get a lawyer to take our case? Signed stressing about this dough and experiencing vertigo when I think about streamlining the flow of this dodgy portfolio,

Jordan Harbinger: good questions.

First of all, despite how messy this has gotten big ups to your dad for taking this settlement and buying up some rental properties. Yes. That's pretty [00:26:00] remarkable. So, you know, well done, dad. Totally. I know it's a logistical headache right now, but this is a massive gift to all of you, and if you manage this correctly, which I'm confident you can do, you'll be honoring this amazing thing your dad did and setting yourself up to enjoy these assets for a long time to come.

We wanted to talk to an expert about all this. We reached out to Brent Dilley, estate attorney and friend of the show. And before we dive into this, I just wanna say, I know this legal stuff can be kind of dry. It's not exactly dues cruise material, but I think it's really important for everyone listening, no matter what your situation is.

I can't tell you how many letters we get from people whose family assets aren't properly structured, who are in the dark about how to manage them. This is one of those basic life admin things that can make the difference between having to deal with a massive headache and losing a ton of money and enjoying your assets and just not having to stress.

So the first thing Brent said was that holding rental properties in an LLC is often advised, and LLC provides protection of assets, separates them from other assets. But in this case, your dad has limited assets. So in his view, the additional [00:27:00] complexity and expense probably isn't worth it. His feeling is that the money would be better spent on having a good insurance policy with adequate coverage.

That would not only provide you with an attorney if you were to be sued because, I don't know, let's say somebody injures themselves on the property, they'd also provide you with access to a pool of cash to pay any potential settlements or judgements that might arise. And Brent wasn't sure why. The attorney you mentioned told you that you needed to set up an LLC in the same state where the property is located, people set up corporations in states that own all kinds of assets in other states.

I mean, that's why Delaware exists basically, right? Brent said you'd simply need to register the LLC In the state where the property is located, you register as a foreign corporation. That's a simple filing with the Secretary of State in that state. Not a big deal at all. So I curious about what the heck those other attorneys we're talking about.

Brent's take is you need what's called a revocable trust. In his view, that's the perfect tool in the estate planner's toolbox for this scenario. So quick background. A trust is basically an agreement whereby the grantor, your dad creates [00:28:00] an agreement naming himself or his child or children as the trustee.

That's the person who manages the assets of the trust. It also identifies the beneficiaries of the trust. That's the person who's entitled to use and enjoy the assets of the trust, presumably, your dad. Now, what a trust will do for you guys is this. It'll make your dad's nephew accountable to the trustee.

The trustee has oversight of the nephew. Trustees have a fiduciary duty to your dad. So there's no monkey business with dad's money. Because the trustee has control of your dad's money. He'll be protected from undue influence from other people, and that includes you and your sibling because a trustee has a fiduciary duty that prohibits them from using trust assets for their own use.

So if and when dad becomes unable to handle his own financial affairs, the trustee will continue handling them, including the rental properties, while at the same time paying his bills, keeping him protected. And when your dad passes away, there's no need to probate your dad's estate, which is a freaking nightmare because the assets of a trespass free of the probate process.

Again, very sexy, I know, but here's how this will look. Your dad creates a [00:29:00] revocable trust with an attorney's help. He decides he will be the trustee. He either appoints himself or his children as trustee, or all three of you guys as co-trustees. Dad transfers or in legal terms deeds the rental properties to the trust.

The trustees hire your dad's nephew to manage the rental properties if you wanna continue that arrangement. And the trust directs upon your dad's death. All trust assets, the rental properties and anything else he wants to include, those get divided between you and your sibling. So to do that, your dad needs to find a competent estate planning attorney to help shepherd him through these issues.

Don't be thrown by that one attorney who declined your case. Brent said you need to keep trying to find one. It's, this is really not a big deal. I don't really know what was up that other guy's, but, but he didn't want to take your case. Maybe he's just seen too much. Also, Brent said you don't necessarily need to involve your cousin unless your dad is not competent.

In which case he would be needed to sign the deed on your dad's behalf. But it doesn't sound like your dad's there yet, right? He still works. Everything's fine. But if your cousin having power of attorney is complicating matters, talk to your dad. He could easily [00:30:00] revoke the power of attorney and name you or your sibling as his attorney, in fact.

And anyone can create the LLC for the rental properties, not just your cousin.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. All sound advice. And I'm actually really glad we're talking about this 'cause I feel like I'm learning a few things here too. Some of these terms are just a little vague in my head. And this is, yeah, like you said, fundamental life stuff.

Now there are a few other details in your letter that raised some eyebrows. Brent found it odd that you've never met your cousin, especially if your dad has given this guy power of attorney. That's a big deal. Yeah. Who is this guy? Yeah. And why haven't you tried to meet him? I know you didn't say much about him, but this whole arrangement just sounds a bit, a bit suss to me.

I don't know why.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Or at least messy. I wouldn't want anyone, I don't know, directly managing my dad's affairs. Power of attorney is a potent device.

Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm just kind of confused why he has power of attorney and not you or your brother, and it makes me a little bit nervous about what might be happening between them behind the scenes, even if this nephew is not doing anything nefarious right now.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Or whether your cousin is somehow angling for influence or control. I mean, maybe he's not, but it's something I would look into. [00:31:00] It's just, it's such a weird thing. Like Gabe, you give power of attorney to like your spouse, your child or Or your child. Yeah. Your adult children. You don't give it to like a cousin that you're not close with, that your kids have never met and didn't grow up with.

That's,

Gabriel Mizrahi: yeah. Just weird man. When they're gonna be the beneficiaries. Yeah, theoretically, of all of these assets. Also, Bren was a little bit concerned about the communal use of your dad's money. Your dad takes some money from the account. Your brother takes some money from the account as needed. You've taken minimally.

I don't know. The financial hygiene here is not good. No. And candidly, I'm worried about what the optics are, what might happen if you ever got audited or how much harder it is to know who took what and make sure that everything is on the up and up. Bren had the exact same feeling. He said that this needs to stop.

In fact, he told us that bankers routinely review their customer's accounts for unusual activity and they will not hesitate to report this kind of thing to adult protective services, which you do not want.

Jordan Harbinger: No, I'm assuming that's why the lawyer was like, yeah, I'm not taking this case too much fraud. It's like, uh, yeah, we play fast and loose [00:32:00] with all the financial stuff and like sometimes I take money and sometimes we wire money to people we don't know.

And then other times my brother takes money and then there's this cousin we don't know and he gets paid too. And the lawyer was probably like,

Gabriel Mizrahi: whoa, what is happening here? Yeah. Although Brent also found that a little bit curious 'cause like what is too much fraud? Yeah. I dunno. As if the attorney would be willing to take their case if there was only a little fraud.

Like I'm confused by that.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. I think that lawyer was low key accusing them of being shady and he just didn't want to aid in a bet. Mm-hmm. Most lawyers come on, we would love to help somebody being defrauded for a good fee. Right? But if they're gonna be implicated in something dodgy or criminal and working with a criminal scheme, they're not gonna take it on.

It's too risky. So I do think that's a little telling.

Gabriel Mizrahi: And then there's this whole thing about getting bizarre urgent requests to wire funds to random people. Now it's hard to know if those are just dumb phishing scams that your dad is ignoring, which I really hope they are. Or is he being scammed in some way, which sadly happens all the time to older folks.

I really do not mean to freak you out, but this is something you need to look into. You gotta track this down. Check your [00:33:00] dad's bank records, see if there are any Western Union MoneyGram wires being sent and to whom and how often. I would ask your dad point blank about this and make him give you an answer.

If he is caught up in a romance scam or anything like that, you need to know and you need to put an end to it now. But at the same time, just to put you at ease a little bit, I don't know if you can really deplete somebody's assets, if those assets are largely tied up in real estate. I mean, it's not like your dad can money gram some guy in Myanmar, a two story walk up in Duluth, right?

It doesn't make sense. So I'm not too, too worried about that right now, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look into this.

Jordan Harbinger: Agreed. So I hope that gives you some good next steps. I know this is daunting, especially at first, I know it's anxiety provoking, especially when you don't come from a family with experience in this kind of stuff.

I promise you, this is all stuff you can learn and it's a privilege to have to learn it. So put in a little time to learn the things you need to know about being a landlord. There are countless articles out there, Reddit posts, Quora threads, YouTube videos, courses, Facebook groups for property owners.

[00:34:00] Honestly, I think Chat, GBT is probably an amazing landlord advisor, although AI does hallucinate. So you're gonna wanna make sure you double check everything, but you could just sit there and have a conversation and ask questions with chat GPT, and it'll tell you about being a landlord and a property owner all day long.

Get together with your brother. Be good partners to each other, teach each other how to do this right. This can be a great education for both of you. I get why you wanna just dump these properties and be done with all this, but I agree that probably wouldn't be wise. The most anxiety provoking part is not being on top of all this.

So keep looking for an attorney. Let them guide you. Have some tough conversations with your family about how you guys are gonna operate from now on, and then rest assured that you can sleep well at night. So this is so much easier now than when you're two years behind on taxes or the estate goes into probate and you gotta figure it out and undo stuff.

So good on you for getting out ahead of that. Good luck. Big thanks to Brent Dilley for his wisdom and insight here. If you wanna learn more about Brent and his work, especially if you live in Washington state, go to dili law.com. That's D-I-L-L-E law.com. You can reach us [00:35:00] friday@jordanharbinger.com.

Please keep your emails concise, use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a lot easier. If you're in love with somebody from a wildly different cultural background, your neighbors are eves dropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or you're struggling to repair your relationship with your agro unstable sister who's dealing with her own trauma, whatever's got you staying up at night lately.

Hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Alright, next up,

Gabriel Mizrahi: dear Jordan and Yeb. All right. I've been working at a rural health system for about 15 months. It's my first job post-military, and I never thought it would be my permanent or even long-term job, but it pays the bills for now.

My direct supervisor was my peer when I was hired and was promoted via an interview process in which she was the only interviewee. Suspiciously. She and my then boss, now her direct supervisor, are best friends. Not that she isn't qualified, but it definitely gave me pause. Then a couple weeks ago, the two of them announced a new manager role [00:36:00] in our department.

They said that it was only open to our 10 person team and encouraged all of us to apply, stating that the basic qualification is having a project management professional certification, A PMP. I obtained my PMP several months ago. I am actually the only PMP on our team, so I enthusiastically applied. You should just go tell your boss.

I don't know what you heard about me. I knew it, but I'm a mother fucking

Crosstalk: pmp. Exactly. I don't know what you heard about me, but this job seems to fit me to a T. Yeah.

Gabriel Mizrahi: No complaints from hr. You can't see

Crosstalk: that. I'm a mother fucking BMP. BMP. Yeah, I knew that was. I knew that's what you were thinking.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh my God.

That song from high school just like came back into my head the moment she said BMP, and that's so funny. I was scheduled for an interview with all of our current team members and noticed that one other person on our team was also scheduled for an interview. This coworker helped start this department with my now boss four years ago.

They [00:37:00] maintain a friendship, and I suspected that this job was actually created specifically for him with a sham interview process in place.

Jordan Harbinger: Mm, yeah. That do be happening sometimes,

Gabriel Mizrahi: but I apply it anyway to demonstrate my dedication to progress and to the role. The day before my interview, I looked at my boss's calendar, and I saw that my coworker had a first round and a second round management level interview scheduled both before my first round interview, and I didn't have a second interview.

I was infuriated. Obviously, they already had a plan to hire my coworker, and I didn't appreciate the willing waste of my time to pretend to have an objective process. It felt very disrespectful. I withdrew my application, canceled my interview, and immediately used my updated resume to apply for positions at new companies.

I didn't even want that job, but I can help but become enraged when I think about the fact that my boss, who is always very sugary, was manipulating me in the process of promoting her friend. Is my anger unreasonable? Should I be [00:38:00] this upset over a job that I'm only planning on being at for another eight to 12 months since I'm planning on going to law school next year?

Am I being greedy or unrealistic, or do I just need to accept the weird, outrageous dynamics of this job and focus on my ultimate goals? Signed Seeing Red and feeling like a dunderhead after I was totally misled about my chances of getting ahead.

Jordan Harbinger: Okay, yeah. So I totally understand why this pissed you off.

It sucks to feel like you were set up, that you were strung along, that you weren't being taken seriously or respected. And on top of being disappointed, I imagine you also feel kind of exposed for investing your time and excitement into this opportunity for putting yourself out there to go for a job that you probably could never have gotten.

It was totally BS from the start. And no, I don't think you're being greedy or entitled. You wanted the job, you thought you were participating in a fair process. Turns out it wasn't, and that sucks. You're not going, oh, how dare they? That job should have been mine. You're going, wait, what the hell? I thought this was a level playing field.

All of that is totally fair. But here's the [00:39:00] thing, it's never a level playing field. All organizations and systems run on relationships, loyalty, goodwill, and part of the game of life is building those assets so you can tap into them when the time comes. So your supervisor is BFFs with the boss. This colleague who got the job has a friendship with that person too.

That obviously gave them a massive advantage in your company. That sucks for everyone else, but honestly fair play to them. Now, is that corrupt? A little, yeah. Is that the kind of corruption I hope you benefit from one day also? Yes. How this situation feels really depends on which side of the table you're sitting on.

If you're the person who doesn't have the inside track, it's infuriating. If you're the person with the leg up, it's pretty awesome. Now look, there's a classy and respectful way to do this, and there's an unclassy and clumsy way to do this. It's possible that your boss did this, the unclassy and clumsy way by making the calendar events public, by not giving you enough information before or after the fact to know how to feel about it, stuff like that.

And on that level, your resentment is [00:40:00] somewhat fair. Also companies do this sham interview thing all the time. I think it might actually be the law in a lot of places, depending on the organization especially, you often can't just promote someone from within. You have to at least pretend to open up the position to lots and lots of people.

So what looks like a manipulative, disrespectful, sham to you, that might actually just be what your boss needed to do to not get in trouble while promoting the person that they actually wanted for the job. And it's kind of like, don't hate the player. Hate the game, right? I mean, they picked someone for this.

They knew they wanted them for years, and the company's like, make sure you open this to everyone in the department. And they're like, Ugh, okay, but we're gonna pick Tom. Eh, it doesn't matter. You still have to open it up. And they're like, great. Okay everyone waste your time filling these things out and then we're gonna promote Tom, the end.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Also, you said that this coworker helped start this department with your now boss four years ago. That was long before you joined. So this person also has the completely fair advantage of time and history, right? This isn't entirely personal. Again, I agree. It kind of sucks for everybody else, but yeah, thumb's the rules, I think.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:00] Yeah. So my advice to you is go through this phase of being angry, lick your wounds, but then open up the aperture a little bit and adapt. What you're learning is that relationships in history often matter more than talent and hard work. It's not totally fair. It doesn't even necessarily lead to the best outcomes, but this is just absolutely how the world works.

The best thing you can do is rather than get angry when other people have the inside track, start developing your own inside tracks. These weird, outrageous dynamics that are pissing you off. These are dynamics you could be enjoying in the not too distant future, whether it's at this company or another company, or in law school, or when you start interviewing for legal jobs.

In fact, if you really embrace this mindset, you could set yourself up very well for that recruitment process, which will probably be just as networked as your current employer is. If you don't know where to start, you'd know what I'm about to say. Check out the course, six minute networking.com, start doing the exercises.

I promise this stuff will be a game changer. To be honest, guys, I got my first law job somewhat through a similar [00:42:00] process. In brief. We had this thing called on-campus interviews and you were supposed to sign up to interview through the career office, and then the career office at my law school chose which interviews you could have.

And everyone thought that was bs. And they're like, we're gonna make it fair. Which is, is total nonsense, right? Like, why can't I pick my top places and everyone else pick their top places? Yes, we all have some of the same top places. Oh, well those are the top law firms, right? So I decided I'm not going to sign up for any interviews, or maybe I signed up for like two and I'm just gonna walk around and say, if there's a no show, give me a call and I'll run from wherever I am to you because I don't have any interviews planned.

And so what happened was I ran into a buddy and he said, oh, go say hi to Jeremy. He, he's giving interviews here, and I walked over there. I said, Hey, if you have any no-shows, gimme a call. And they said, it's lunch right now. If you don't mind me eating this sandwich, we can conduct a preliminary interview while you're here.

And I said, no problem. Enjoy your sandwich. And I came in and I sat down and I said, I don't know anything about your firm, because I wasn't [00:43:00] expecting to interview today. And they went, you know what? We don't really care. You are Jeremy's, uh, friend's roommate for a while. I said, yeah, I went to high school with him too.

And they said, cool. Uh, what do you think about moving to New York? And I said, it would be amazing. New York is awesome. All right. What do you think about doing like real estate finance or derivatives or something like that? I said, honestly, I'm indifferent to it. I think it would be great. I just want a job that pays well.

I'm willing to work hard. Here are my grades. And they were like, cool. Yeah, you wanna fly to New York next week for a second round of interviews? And I said yes. And then I flew to New York for a second round of interviews, which were, uh, equally demanding and, and, and some free lunches and a dinner. And they hired me on the spot.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Wait, this was that last legal job you had in New York? That was

Jordan Harbinger: my main legal job in New York. I got it because somebody said, go say hi to this guy, which is basically code for their hiring, and he will put your name in. Wow. I remember Jeremy who was standing there, he didn't conduct the interview, he was just standing there.

He goes, if they hire you, I get a Rolex. And I was like, cool. I hope they hire me. And he's like, don't worry, they're definitely gonna hire you. I'm gonna put in a good word. And we're looking for people who aren't dicks. That's basically the bottom line. Perfect [00:44:00] example. Yeah. We're looking for people who aren't dicks and who have decent grades.

That was the bar and all these other people who had signed up to interview at that firm, some of them didn't even get to interview there because the Office of Career Services was like, we're gonna make it fair for everyone. And I was like, no, you're not. That's not how I'm playing it. So this is just how things work folks.

This isn't gonna change. And so complaining about it makes no sense. You should really just embrace the idea, uh, that this is how it works and it's gonna take the sting out of this loss. The beautiful thing about learning from stuff like this is it stops being like, oh, they screwed me out of a job and they disrespected me, and it starts becoming okay.

That's how I learned that I need to tend to my relationships. That was how I started playing the game. Right. The first time this goes your way, you're going to feel very differently about it. And you know, I know a lot of people are like, I'm offended by this. This is the, your guys are the problem with the world.

This is why the world is this way. You are welcome to think that you, in fact, you're welcome to play this completely differently. If you want to, that's fine, but just bear [00:45:00] in mind, you're not immune to the consequences of this. If you ignore it or you play it differently, you're just being willfully ignorant of the secret game being played around you.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Hmm. So true. Well said, Jordan. The other thing that this situation is teaching her is how does she respond to setbacks like this? I find it really interesting that once she connected the dots, or what she thought were the dots, she withdrew her application. She canceled the interview, she started applying for other jobs.

Look, in one way, I guess I kind of admire that she was decisive. She cut her losses, she got tactical. She put her efforts into something with a higher chance of success. I get it. I also think that there might have been some self preservation and some self protection in there, and also maybe just like a little fuck you, right?

Like, okay, you're gonna waste my time. You're gonna treat me poorly, I'm gonna look elsewhere. You don't deserve me.

Jordan Harbinger: Right? A little empowerment, a little oof. It's really unpleasant to feel these feelings. Let me channel them into something else.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes, exactly. But there are some costs to that. I assume her boss knows why she withdrew her application unless she [00:46:00] told a really good story about that.

Which doesn't do much to help their relationship, and it might even strain it.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I'd imagine there's some tension between them now. She's probably not the most fun colleague to be around these days. Probably not.

Gabriel Mizrahi: But most importantly, by not attending that interview, she guaranteed that she would not get the job, which it sounds like was probably the case anyway.

Sure. But also she does not know that with absolute certainty, and she certainly didn't know that in advance.

Jordan Harbinger: Well, good point. I was actually wondering about that when you were reading the letter. Her deduction is probably correct based on the calendar events and the history and all that. But also, could the colleague have just started the process sooner?

Could our friend here have gone into that interview and blown her boss away? It's possible.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Also possible. There's another way to respond to a situation like this, which is okay. I strongly suspect that this is not gonna go my way. I'm super annoyed that they're probably wasting my time, but I do have the PMP, they're looking for, I am A PMP.

I've already done the prep, so I'm gonna go in there. I'm gonna go in with a good attitude. I'm gonna tell them why I think I would be great for this, and I'm just not gonna get attached to the results. [00:47:00] And then we'll see what's what. Probably I don't get it. But also, who knows, maybe I do such a good job that my boss reconsiders and can't ignore me or I don't get this one, but the next time they have an opening, I'm in the poll position.

I just don't know. So let me hit pause on my ego for a moment and just put one foot in front of the other and see this through.

Jordan Harbinger: Also, worst case, you get the reps in the practice of going through a real or dress rehearsal interview for a job you're not gonna get, and you can go and relax. Like, I know I'm not really gonna get this, so I'm just gonna do my best and see if they give me any feedback.

Anyway, ironically, that mindset might have even allowed her to do even better. 'cause then she would've gone like, all right, I'm just gonna go in super chill and have fun knowing that this whole thing is rigged, so I got nothing to lose.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, exactly. And then a few things become possible, whereas withdrawing completely narrows the outcomes to only one and then basically guarantees it.

Jordan Harbinger: Mm-hmm. You're bringing up another interesting concept, which is the whole idea of doing things without being attached to the results.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Can you tell that? I just did yoga teacher training. I was gonna say you're on some Hindu [00:48:00] ish

Jordan Harbinger: today for sure.

Gabriel Mizrahi: It's one of the hardest concepts to live by, for me anyway.

I, I know that it's true, but I struggle with that idea, you know, to act and pursue things, knowing that you're really ultimately only entitled to your actions and not to the fruits of your actions. But when I can embrace that, I do find that everything becomes easier

Jordan Harbinger: for sure. It's a hard one for me too.

'cause we all have expectations. We all want things to go our way, and that's great. We should wanna succeed. But then when you start wrapping yourself around a specific expectation, which is already a form of, I deserve this, or things have to go a certain way for me to be happy, or for this to be worth my while game.

Exactly. Game over. Right? Yeah. Because life rarely plays at how you think it will. So you're already setting yourself up to be frustrated. And in a situation like this, it can actually close you off from showing up fully, doing your best work, generating other opportunities, deepening your relationships. So many things.

But look, if you're only planning on staying at this company for a little while longer, like you said, yeah, the stakes are even lower, which actually is a good thing. You've learned a great lesson by being blocked from a job, that best case scenario you would've had [00:49:00] for a year max. Time to stop thinking of these dynamics as weird or outrageous and start thinking about them as interesting and exciting.

If you do that, I promise these opportunities will start to look a lot different. Sorry, this one didn't go your way, but I'm also pumped for you that it didn't 'cause before you were blind and now you can see good luck. And now you get to be a mother fucking PIMP. The following deals and discounts will get you at least 50 cent off the fine products and services that support this show.

We'll be right back. This episode is also sponsored in part by Progressive. You ever find yourself playing the budgeting game, shifting a little money here, a little there, hoping it all works out well with the name your price tool. From Progressive, you can be a better budgeter and potentially lower your insurance bill too.

You tell Progressive what you wanna pay for car insurance. They'll help you find options within your budget. Try it today@progressive.com. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law, not available in all states. This episode is sponsored in part by the defender.

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If you're ready to embrace the impossible, the defender is your perfect partner, beyond capable and ready to go wherever you're headed Next, build your defender@landroverusa.com. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors.

All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are searchable and [00:51:00] clickable at Jordan harbinger.com/deals. If that doesn't work, email us. We'll dig up the code for you. It's that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Alright, time for the recommendation of the week.

Gabriel Mizrahi: I am addicted to Lit Fella. So you guys know that I love to read. I read a decent amount, but there have only been, I would say, I don't know, four or five authors who I can say for sure changed my life. And one of them is a guy named George Saunders. So if you've never heard of this guy, George Saunders is a novelist, a short story writer.

He is an incredible writing teacher. He was actually a professor in the creative writing program at Syracuse, and he taught this very famous class for years on the short story. And specifically he taught the short stories written by the Russian Masters. Those guys who were writing in the 18 hundreds in Russia, Chekhov, tol story, turgen go, basically people you would never now sit down and curl up with.

In fact, I have tried multiple times to read these guys and I just could not get [00:52:00] into them. And then I read this book by George Saunders. It came out a couple years ago. It's called a Swim in a Pond in the Rain. In this book, this guy basically walks you through these short stories that are incredible and timeless, but a little hard to access without somebody holding your hand and walking you through them.

And he basically brings them to life in this very magical way. He basically recreates the class that he taught at Syracuse where he would read with his students one page of the story at a time, pause and discuss, and they would just enjoy and dissect the stories and just bring them to life and try to learn from what these amazing storytellers understood about how to tell a good story.

But the really cool thing about this book is that in addition to being kind of like literary theory, it's also personal memoir, it's also storytelling bible. It's also just general life wisdom. And George Saunders is one of the greatest living writers. I think he's so humble. He's so down to earth. He has this kind of folksy, chill down to earth way of talking about really [00:53:00] big ideas that I just find so refreshing and very easy to access.

He's like, he feels like your cool uncle or something. He's also a Buddhist in his personal life, and he's just a delightful human being. As far as I can tell, this book changed my life, and I don't just mean because I'm a writer and I really enjoy reading books about storytelling. It's actually made me a better person.

I think I've read or listened to this book on audiobook like 10 or 15 times, maybe more. And it's great for road trips, it's great for airplanes. I really cannot recommend this book more highly. So check it out, a Swim in a Pond in the Rain. We'll link to it in the show notes. Buy this book. It also makes a great gift for people in your life who love to read.

It's a topic that if you read about it, you would think, ah, that does not interest me, and I do not need to read about what these guys in the 18 hundreds we're writing about and just give it two pages, and you will be absolutely blown away by this book. I hope you enjoy it.

Jordan Harbinger: Also, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show.

If you wanna jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes or recommendations or anything about the show, if there's an episode you really liked, you wanna talk about the recommendation, people are taking pictures of the food they're cooking [00:54:00] from the cookbook recommendations. I mean, there's all kinds of fun stuff in there.

There's a meme thread. Check out the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. If you haven't signed up yet, check out our newsletter Wee bit wiser. It's written by Gabe and I. It's a bite-sized gem from us to you delivered to your inbox most Wednesdays. It's a two minute read. I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at Jordan harbinger.com/news.

Okay, what's next?

Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a stay-at-home mom of children varying in age, from toddlers to school age. I also make money by babysitting other young children regularly. I've lived in both worlds as a stay-at-home mom and a mom working a more traditional seven to three job, but I've always worked with kids.

Both are difficult in their own ways, but being a stay-at-home mom has its own specific brand of difficulty because it can be isolating working outside of the home. You have opportunities to connect with other adults with similar interests or goals. At home, I'm around children and rarely do or talk about anything but the kids' interests.

That said, I'm also terrible at creating situations for myself in [00:55:00] which I can meet new people and cultivate friendships.

Jordan Harbinger: Mm-hmm. Okay. I appreciate your honesty there.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Part of it is because I'm just plain worn out and worn down. I can't imagine having to interact with people. I don't Absolutely have to.

Another part is I just seem to have a really hard time picking high quality friends.

Jordan Harbinger: Okay. All great insights.

Gabriel Mizrahi: In the recent past, I was friends with someone who seemed to have beef with half the other women in our very small town, but it was never my friend's fault.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, red, huge red flag there.

Gabriel Mizrahi: She also had a husband 20 years, her senior, who was quote unquote old fashioned, which was just code for misogynistic and racist.

She ended up cheating on and leaving him. All right, classy folks. I soon found out that she was the common denominator in all of these conflicts for a reason when she publicly called the child of one of her sworn enemies, mean names at his high school sports

Jordan Harbinger: tournament. Oh my God. Y van, come on. You have to be a real piece of work to trash talk a teenager as a fully grown adult at a high school [00:56:00] sports tournament.

The

Gabriel Mizrahi: second you're screaming Eat a Dick Braden at a JV volleyball game at 3:00 PM on a Tuesday. That's, yeah, that's probably a good moment to go. Okay. Maybe I, uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, maybe it's time to sign up for better help and talk about why tweens making bad plays on the field. Send me into a blind rage.

Better help.com/jordan for 10% off your first month. By the way,

Gabriel Mizrahi: we went through our own ups and downs for several years as well, but that incident is what really opened my eyes and helped me to end that friendship. I've had other friendships that weren't as toxic or crazy, but they just fizzle out. I will seemingly deeply click with someone and will get along great for months or even years, and then it just seems to all stop one day.

There's no bad blood or anything, just distance. All of this gave me pause when I met another mom at the park a few months ago, and we hit it off and exchanged numbers. We've texted and met up several times, both with our kids and without. We get along great and always have a great time. We have differences, but seem to agree on all of the big things.

The only issue I [00:57:00] have is that she's in a very unhappy marriage and vents about it, which is fine and even encouraged, but she rarely takes advice and has said that she has no plans to leave because she has nowhere to go with her kids and doesn't want to upend their lives in such a serious way.

Jordan Harbinger: Mm.

That's tough for both of you.

Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm empathetic because can you imagine trying to navigate that in this economy, but. I also have very low tolerance for people who continue to complain without having any plans to change the situation.

Jordan Harbinger: Girl Saint,

Gabriel Mizrahi: the way your head bobbed with that soundbite was,

Jordan Harbinger: Hmm.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Chef's kiss. Also, now that my relationship is in a great place, I feel like I'm bragging to her about my husband when I talk about him. I don't like the idea of losing another friend and going back to my lonely life, but I also don't want to continue a friendship where I feel like I need to either bite my tongue or waste my breath whenever my friend feels wronged by your husband.

Should I continue this friendship? How can we continue a solid relationship when it feels like husband conversations are off the [00:58:00] table because I love mine and hers is a dud. Am I actually the common denominator in all my failed friendships? How can I improve this relationship maintaining skill while in parenting survival mode?

Signed. It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me. Or chalk this up to my friends. Crazy. 'cause being a young mom is exhausting.

Jordan Harbinger: Hmm. Not your finest work, but, okay. Great questions and way to give Gabe the perfect excuse to slip a taytay reference into his sign off. Yep. Uh, whether it worked or not, I'll, I'll let you be the judge.

That was a nice departure from the usual structure. So first of all, look, I'm sorry you feel so depleted these days, so isolated. I know not from firsthand experience, but at least from close secondhand experience, being the mother of young children can be so exhausting in so many ways. Even when you have help in community, it's just, it's a lot.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I hope you know that your role as a mother will evolve as your kids get older. At least that's what people keep telling us and it probably won't always feel this exhausting, hopefully. That said, man, I do find the isolation [00:59:00] aspect interesting. And again, I think this is pretty standard.

So many moms talk about this. Yeah. When you spend most of your day around your kids, of course most of your thoughts and actions revolve around kid stuff. I mean, let's call it like it is. It can be fricking boring. It's super cute and fun and funny, but also maybe I wanna watch something that's not blippy.

What do you think about that? It's all part of being a parent, but also, and I know this is also easy to say as a guy and as a parent who has a full-time career, but it is up to us as parents to also nurture our relationships and invest in other spaces so we don't get too isolated. So I appreciate that you're making such an effort with other people.

So let's talk about this pattern of yours deeply clicking with somebody and then drifting apart. I actually see this a lot among some of my friends. They'll be like, my new best friend is this person, and then I'm like, oh, do you still talk to so-and-so? No, I haven't talked to them in six months. And I'm like, didn't you talk to them twice a day?

Every day for the first six months? It's very weird. It's like burn hot, fizzle out. It sounds to me like at least in the case of that woman who had beef with everyone and this newer friend who's [01:00:00] unhappy but won't do anything to change it, it sounds to me like there are slash were some objective challenges there.

The kind of challenges that I would find extremely difficult in a friendship. Also making friends. As an adult man, it's hard. You have tons of responsibilities. You know that better than anyone. And that said, we're always playing some role in our relationships. So it's a good question to ask, and I'm not sure we have enough information here to know exactly how this pattern operates, but what I'm hearing is that you meet someone, you guys get pretty intimate pretty quickly.

The relationship loses steam. If you're the common denominator, then maybe the pattern is jumping into a new friendship, getting close super quickly before you fully know their personalities, their characters, maybe even overlooking certain data points early on that might give you clues as to whether they're people you truly like and respect and trust, which is a good skill to have.

Then it sounds like, you know, not consistently putting in the work to nurture these relationships over time, even when these friendships aren't toxic or crazy, they just fizzle out. Gabe, are you getting the same read here?

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, that does [01:01:00] seem to explain a lot of it. I'm really interested in this friend who's in the unhappy marriage, though this is, um, this very interesting friend to have.

Tricky.

Jordan Harbinger: So tricky, and I really struggle with people like that. Like, I'm happy to talk to you if we're making progress. If you're just gonna complain about your life all the time and not do anything about it, it's like, well, what, what are we doing here?

Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. Although I do understand that it is very complicated for that woman logistically, financially, so I get it.

But what I'm interested in is this thing. She said that she feels like she's bragging to her friend about her husband when she talks about him. Like it's almost like she's hurting her friend because her marriage is in a good place. It sounds to me like it's kind of hard for her to feel like she can fully talk about herself without it coming at someone else's expense.

Now that clearly speaks to her empathy and her kindness and her attunement to other people, which I love. But I also wonder if she might be assuming a certain fragility on her friend's part, or even if that fragility is actually there. Is she maybe overly accommodating it? I would be curious to know if she feels that her happiness often comes at other people's [01:02:00] expense, and does that concern pop up in any other relationships?

'cause it is an interesting one.

Jordan Harbinger: Interesting. Yeah. But then again, it's possible that this friend really would perceive it as bragging or just insensitive if she talked about how great her husband is. Totally.

Gabriel Mizrahi: And both can be true, but it can also be true that she's gravitating to friends who have this fragility or who have certain pressure points.

And some of these pressure points might make it risky to bring all of herself to these friendships. You know, there's some sadness and envy in the case of this friend that we were just talking about. And in that one where the woman who's yelling at the kids, there's sounds like rage and instability. So these two friends are probably very different, but what they might share in common as it pertains to our friend here.

Is that they both kind of made her feel like she has to watch herself. You know? She has to be very careful about what she says and when and how much because who knows what she's gonna stir up in the other person or how they're gonna feel about it.

Jordan Harbinger: Or maybe more to the point how they're gonna feel about her.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: Like,

Gabriel Mizrahi: are they gonna resent me? Are they gonna hate me?

Jordan Harbinger: Am I gonna hate myself? [01:03:00] If I don't cramp around them, am I gonna feel guilty?

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. And that cramping around, by the way, I think that's part of the buying that she's in because later she said, I don't like the idea of losing another friend and going back to my lonely life.

But I also don't want to continue her friendship where the options are, like, do I bite my tongue or do I waste my breath whenever my friend is not in a good place with her husband?

Jordan Harbinger: She's watching herself very carefully there too, isn't she? Very carefully like in

Gabriel Mizrahi: her mind, she either needs to not say much at all, or she's gonna speak up and waste her time and then she's upset, which, look, I really do understand the position that she's in there.

It's hard, but there is a third way. Which is maybe something along the lines of saying, look, I hear how unhappy you are in your marriage. I know that it's really scary and really difficult to think about leaving as your friend. I am here to support you. I'm here to listen. I get that this is a big decision.

I also see that you might not want to do anything to change your situation, and that is okay. That is your choice. But I also have to tell you that that puts me in a bit of a tough position because I hear you complain a lot about how unhappy you are, but I'm not sure if [01:04:00] you're ready to do something to change your situation, whatever that looks like.

And I'm not sure if my suggestions are really landing with you or they're helping matters. I can't even tell if they're really welcome. So I often leave our conversations wondering like, should I just not say anything or should I say something knowing that it might not go anywhere? It's hard. I'm not pushing you to do what I want to do.

I'm not saying it has to happen on a certain timeline. I just wanna share this with you as a friend because it's becoming an interesting challenge in our relationship. And yeah, I would love to understand what your intention is here, what you're taking away from our conversations, what kind of support you're really looking for from me.

Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that would go right at the problem. Which one do you want? Really? How can we shift things?

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. It would be one way out of this dilemma she's in where her choices feel very binary, right? Like, bite my tongue or waste my breath, feel inauthentic or end up presenting the other person.

Jordan Harbinger: It would also allow her to stay authentic and honest and available even when the signal she's getting from someone aren't always encourag.

That could also be how she continues a solid relationship when it feels like husband [01:05:00] conversations are off the table.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, because she can put it on the table. Right. But she's not doing it by saying, Hey, Fred is amazing and I don't care that you're hurting. Like, this is what I want to talk about. She's saying sometimes I feel like I can't bring Fred up because of what you're going through.

And that's a little tough sometimes. So do you feel that way? Does it sound like bragging when I talk about him? Like, how can I be the best friend to you?

Jordan Harbinger: Right. Which opens up new territory for them.

Gabriel Mizrahi: If she doesn't do that, then she self-censor and then she shrinks. And then she retreats and then I think it's just a hop, skip and a jump from there to Oh, the relationship just fizzled.

So that might be what's happening.

Jordan Harbinger: And then she's back in her little bubble with only kids' company wishing she had more friends, but not always knowing how to be in a full, consistent relationship with them.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly.

Jordan Harbinger: But it's so interesting because she also feels that the isolation is killing her.

Gabriel Mizrahi: It is.

But being in a full relationship with your friends where they might end up talking about some difficult stuff that might in some ways feel even harder for her as it is for so many of us. 'cause it's not easy. So [01:06:00] fizzling out might actually be more of a pulling away, maybe even a mutual pulling away. And that might feel like the safer choice.

Jordan Harbinger: Right. Although I still wanna make room for the idea that it's okay for her to say goodbye to certain friends.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally. Absolutely.

Jordan Harbinger: Like that woman who had beef with everyone, that's not someone she should be friends with. This new friend, eh? I'm not so sure yet. I find her frustrating, but I don't know if she needs to write her off.

But what you're saying it's compatible with her being discerning about who she befriends.

Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, of course. To your point, that might be part of the pattern too.

Jordan Harbinger: So I hope that gives you some new angles here. I love that you're asking if you're the common denominator in these failed relationships, that curiosity, that accountability, those are great qualities.

At the end of the day, we are all the common denominator in our outcomes, by definition, I suppose. And it's our job to figure out how we're showing up with people, how their stuff intersects with our stuff, when their dysfunction ends and ours begins, which you're already doing, and thanks for letting us dig in there with you.

I know that being in parenting survival mode can make it hard to invest a lot of time and energy in people. That's [01:07:00] just the reality of having young kids. But I sense that this has more to do with your relational patterns than it does with the logistics of having kids. So give a few of these approaches a try.

Keep learning, keep seeking out good people and sharing more of yourself with them. And I promise in time you'll have all the friends you need, even if it's just one great one who actually listens to your advice and isn't getting forcibly removed by the ref at a middle school field hockey tournament.

Wouldn't that be nice? She's out there. Good luck. Go back and check out Dr. Carolyn Fleck and our Skeptical Sunday on CCB D. If you haven't done so yet, show notes on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show, searchable and clickable at jordanharbinger.com/deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram.

You can also connect with me on LinkedIn, Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Tadas Sidlauskas, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer.

Do your own research before implementing things you hear on the [01:08:00] show. Ditto Corbin, Payne and Brent Dilly. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time.

What happens when a billion dollar platform is built on exploitation and no one's held accountable? On episode 1143 of the Jordan Harbinger Show, Layla Mle Waitt reveals how she took on PornHub, exposing how the site ignored abuse, evaded responsibility, and profited from real victims.

JHS Clip: Assumption is the mother of all screw ups.

How in the world was this happening on PornHub? Thinking about that, the idea that we're all assuming that this is legal, vetted consensual material, because that was what they presented to the world and they spent millions of dollars on their PR campaigns. Victims were reaching out and begging them to take these videos down because it was destroying their life.

Course of trafficking is force fraud coercion. If you're [01:09:00] under the age of 18 and you're used in a commercial sex act, so if you're making money on that sex act that was induced by force or fraud or coercion, it's automatically trafficking. It was shocking. Why are you still doing business with a company that distributes rape videos to the world?

PornHub is Jeffrey Epstein Times a thousand. They have the ability to stop it, to age verify, to make sure that somebody had to show an ID to show their face to consent, verify before they could upload, and they chose not to. And I still feel that justice fully served in this case looks like PornHub does get shut down.

So they have had to take down 91% of the entire website. When we're fighting trafficking, we have to increase risk and we have to eliminate profitability, but we also wanna see policy put in place to make sure this doesn't happen again. The thing is that I think people have to hear it and you actually have the power to stop it.

Now,

Jordan Harbinger: the most [01:10:00] chilling part isn't just what she uncovered, it's the lengths they went to to try and silence her. Don't miss episode 1143 of the Jordan Harbinger Show.