119: How to Introduce Yourself to the New Neighbors | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Introduce Yourself to the New Neighbors | Feedback Friday (Episode 119)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests, and this week we had Robert Greene talking about how other people manipulate us as well as how we fool and mislead ourselves. One of the greats was here and we really had something special in my opinion. I think that was such a great show and we had Nadya Tolokonnikova of Pussy Riot, talking about what it's like to face down Vladimir Putin as one of the world's most visible performance artists. And we have video of these interviews on the YouTube channel, so go ahead and go to jordanharbinger.com/youtube, and it'll take you right there if you want to see it. Me, hanging with Robert Greene and interviewing Nadya Tolokonnikova. We're going to be doing a lot more video this year hopefully, so we'll see a lot more of our guests and how they interact in person, which I think is going to be cool, more engaging, a lot more fun, and a lot more crap for us to carry. Let me go do these interviews.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:58] Jen's going to have arms like Schwarzenegger pretty soon.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:01] That's right. We're both getting jacked up on this piece. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guests wisdom, but also our experiences and insights to you. In other words. The real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com. If you can keep them short, that does increase the chance of your question will get answered on the air. We've got a lot of good stuff in that inbox. We want to make sure we get to everybody. I was in San Francisco and LA doing interviews this past week with Robert Greene, and it was great to hang out a bit with somebody who is such a master of his craft and we ran into Ryan Holiday while he was here. Dave Asprey. I also found some great spaces to record interviews. We're going to be doing a lot more video here in 2019 like I said, and I want to make sure we're doing it in creative spaces that have visual appeal as well as serve as our studio so to speak.

[00:01:52] So if you run, if you out there listening, you run a creative space in a big city, that might be a good place for us to record. I'd love to hear from you. Finding a studio where we can record in various cities and towns is a constant pain. Not to mention, that adds up. So if you're the director of some venue that you could lend us, you've got a baller, pad overlooking the rest of the city and we can record an interview on your -- next year infinity pool or something like that. Please hit me jordan@jordanharbinger.com. And of course, so this week on Feedback Friday, we've got some fun ones. We got some doozies. I can't wait to dive in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:26] Hello to the J Cubed Crew. I have some family that took advantage of my mom over some inheritance money because of some mental health issues my mom faces. It was pretty messed up, and my aunts and uncles were kind of all in on it except for one uncle who was also screwed over. Now, some of my aunts and uncles are acting as if nothing happened in trying to be all nice with my brother and I. I have an aunt that even went as far as telling me that she's going to be traveling near my city and wanted to stop by and say hi. Honestly, I have zero interest in having any sort of relationship with her or my other relatives that took advantage of my mom's situation. What should I say to them? I've been mostly avoiding them and came up with some excuse not to see the aunt who was going to visit me and I want to call them out on this, but I don't know how to go about it or if it's even worth my time. I never really had a relationship with these relatives, but now I don't even want to talk to them. I know family is family, but I hate being fake and political with these people. I mean, what's the point? Advice on dealing with them would be immensely appreciated. Thanks for everything you guys do. You guys are awesome. Sincerely, Mo Money Mo Percent roblems.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:24] Oh, this is tricky. So I always -- I'm going to caveat this, you got to make sure that the story is what you think it is, and I'm not doubting it in any way. I think people can be total scumbags when it comes to money, but it might pay to get all the details or maybe even get their side of the story if they deny it, of course, then you know, you know exactly what's going on. But be honest with them here. Tell them what happened, your version of events that you know about it and that you feel hurt and you don't have to be angry or express any anger, but you shouldn't feel the need to play nice if these people did indeed steal from your mom because that's what it sounds like happen. They aren't going to support you. They're not going to be nice to you for real, except this fake BS. So why would you put on an act for them? You don't owe them anything.

[00:04:11] First, I'm telling you, make sure, make damn sure that what you know happened in air quotes, what you know happened is actually fact. I assume you've done this, but make sure it's not a rumor that your uncle started or there's something else going on and that you know what you're talking about. So you don't make an unfounded accusation against someone innocent, especially your own family. And that said, if someone stole from your mom and you can cut them off. I don't care who they are. You don't need enemies with family like that. So I wouldn't feel obligated to those people at all. My mom had the same issue with her own brothers who are just awful people and she waited way too long to cut them off and the stress it put on my mom effected my dad and it affected me, and this was when I was a kid. So I remember it pretty vividly. I remember she was always stressed out, crying, dealing with these a-hole brothers, my uncles I guess. So it's not just you, they're affecting, it's everyone. If they did this, they're a cancer. You should stay as far away from them as possible. They already chose money over their relationship with you, so you should feel free to choose integrity and sanity over your relationship with them, which they already willingly destroyed. That's my 2 cents. What do you think, Jason? We've got our fair share of dysfunction between us. We can answer this.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:22] Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah, cut him off. If what happened happened, which I do believe I've seen it happen before, once the claws come out with the families like, “Oh, she's got mental health issues. She can't fight back. Let's just go ahead and take the money.” They see an opportunity and I do believe the writer Mo Money Mo Problems. And cut them off. Get them out. Like you said, cancer. Get rid of them. Your family is family and your family are assholes. Then families are asshole.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:47] Get some good friends and forget it. Forget it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:49] Yeah, exactly.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:50] Friends of the family, you get to choose. So don't -- it's funny because what people go, “Oh, what are you going to do for Christmas?” “Oh, I've got some friends coming over. I've got some family coming over.” You can blend these things. You don't have to have someone over who's a terrible person because they happen to be born and live in the same house as your mom. I mean, it's just, I don't know maybe I'm the weirdo. I get it. I grew up in the United States. We don't have the same family culture, but I'm kind of like, “Look, if you're a screw up, who's ruining everybody's life, I don't care. Get out of here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:18] I've cut off more than my fair share of family. You know that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:20] Yeah. And it's worth it, just for your sanity alone to not even have to worry about these people bugging you anymore. Take the hit, don't even bother with them and just walk away.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:31] Yeah. Just make sure you know what you're doing. Make sure it's correct.

It's not like, “Oh your uncle was actually a drug addict. We just didn't want to tell you, because we don't want to change your opinion of him and da, da, da, da. Like just make sure you've got the facts straight. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:44] Mr. Jordan Harbinger.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:45] Ooh.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:45] Fancy one.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:46] Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:47] I've been a longtime fan and I'm excited to join you as a fan on your new show. I've been listening to the show religiously for the last three years and follow your material on other platforms as well. I overall seek a sort of mentorship role, but I've listened to enough of your material to know how much of an overall waste of time for you that it can be. Well, he has listened apparently.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:06] Yep.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:06] I hope you'll consider allowing me to ask a couple specific questions regarding networking and specifically admission to graduate school. I'm currently in the Peace Corps in Ecuador, an opportunity that I remember you mentioned in your podcast that you would've been well suited for after college, and I seek admission into medical school following my time here. I'm fascinated by your own admission method into the University of Michigan Law School and hope to ask you about that. In return, I would very much like to help you out in any way that I can. I understand that this can usually come in the form of sending a screenshot of a review of your show, which I am all in for. I also regularly recommend your shows and furthermore, your material in general to my friends and family. In short, I'm open to suggestions and would like to know how you think I should proceed. All the best, Med School Here I Come.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:51] Yeah, so I'm happy to help here. What I do realize is there's no question here in this one, so I want to highlight that because I get a lot of letters that are structured like this. First things first, it's actually not good to ask for advice and then offer to give something in return. This sort of if then relationship makes things transactional. So when you say, “Hey, I would love advice on such and such topic one, it's not a specific enough question, but two, to then say and then I'll give you a review of your show. It's like, “Well, wait a minute. If you found the show valuable for three years, why haven't you reviewed it?” Also I'm not going to. I don't really want that care because it cheapens -- it makes this a transactional situation. Okay, so if I consult for you for free, you'll give me a review. I mean it's sort of like, I'd rather not even have that exchange and it would be more flattering to get advice for that. So it's kind of like saying, “Hey look, if you do all this work for me, I'll like you.” “Well wait a minute, what? Hold on.” You know that doesn't -- it doesn't sit right. So you got to be careful that. I realize what you're trying to do, but you have to be careful with that sort of offer. It doesn't really -- it actually has the opposite intended effect. And if you've got to give and you know it's acceptable, just give the gift. Like if you're like, “Oh, I'll your show because I love it, but help me with this one thing.” Just give the gift and don't expect anything in return. Don't have the attachment. If you want to say, “Hey, I reviewed the show. I love it. By the way, I've got a couple of questions about this.” It's still better than saying, “I'll do this if you do what I want you to do.” So if you've got something that you can offer someone, just do it. Don't wait to do it when you need something, do it right away. That's the whole point of giving without the expectation or attachment of getting anything in return that is digging the well before you're thirsty.

[00:09:40] And third, I'm happy to help people without them offering. I think a good first helps a ton, but not if it's just dangled like a carrot, which again cheapens the interaction, transforms it into a swap instead of what it could have been and jealous about your Peace Corps experience. I honestly have traded law school for that in a heartbeat. I don't know why I didn't consider doing the Peace Corps coming out of Michigan. It wasn't talked about that much I guess, which is a bummer. I'm not upset about this one. I just want to highlight the mistake here because so many people do this sort of thing. I feel like this is in my inbox every week, so it's something that needs correcting.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:14] I totally agree and I think everybody that has this mindset needs to go listen to Robert Greene’s interview this week because he specifically talks about how to ask for favors and how to get people to do things you want and get the advice that you want. Specifically covers this exact topic.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:28] All right, next up.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:29] Hi Jordan. I live about a half mile from my in-laws. I used to get along with them before I married my husband. Once we were married, they started passing judgment by way of saying they're speaking for my husband. My husband and I have a hard line now of no one speaks for us other than ourselves. I do understand that we don't have a quote unquote normal marriage, but it works for us. My question for you is how do I change the subject smoothly? My standard is, “Oh, my husband can speak for himself.” Hey, so I was reading this article about radiology of aluminum. I'm the only person among my in-laws who has a technical background. I tend to stop thinking when my in-laws presents strong emotions and I default to my own expertise. Do you have softer ways to cues subject changes? Thanks, The Metallurgist Struggling to be Human.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:12] Wow. I thought metallurgy was like or metallurgy was one of those things that I thought it was like a blacksmith thing. I didn't realize it was still a thing. I guess I had no idea.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:23] It's science, yes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:24] Yes, science still around. Still good. Still valid in 2019, 2018 whatever year it is, man. I'm all over the place.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:32] We're on the cusp of 2019, we're looking forward.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:34] That's right. That’s right. I would say you're doing fine. Metallurgist, metallurgist with struggling to be human. I think one tweak, find something they can't stop talking about other than your private life and your marriage. This will probably be more of a pull for them than whatever drama they're trying to because right now you're trying to pull them or push them to talk about something they don't understand. You want them to be pulled into something else. For example, if they're constantly talking about their other grandkids, ask about them, “Oh, how's Shayna doing? How's ballet going?” They'll probably never shut up about it. The real issue though is why are your in-laws interfering with your marriage? I think, yeah, I can give you tactics all day. You always want to have people pulled to a new topic. That's interesting because they can't quite help themselves. But why are your in-laws doing this? Where there's smoke, there's fire. Why the rift here? Why are they doing this now and they weren't doing it before? They're obviously upset about something and they're being a little manipulative to try to get you and your husband to change or to take a particular course of action.

[00:12:38] So get to the bottom of that before it gets any worse because this is kind of, I don't know, is it even passive aggressive? I think it's just more active, aggressive. When someone says, “Hey, your husband thinks that you should have kids,” or whatever it is, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:49] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:49] Your husband thinks she's losing weight. What's going on here? Why did they think they can do that? That's totally not okay.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:56] And how do they not to think that she's going to find out about it. It's like your dad just told me I was fat and he said that you said it. You'd be like, “What?”

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:03] The funny irony here will be when it's like, “Yo dad, stop telling him that I'm telling you this stuff.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:10] The whole point was for you to say, so I can get away with it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:13] Yeah. The whole -- maybe the whole elaborate plan is he does tell the in-laws stuff, they pass it on and then he denies it so that he can say, “Yes, my parents are crazy,” but you maybe you could lose a little weight, but I would never tell you that I can't believe they said, I said that. No way.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:28] Yeah, yeah. No, and oh, we're having fries again tonight.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:31] Yeah, yeah. Like, “Oh yeah. I mean, I would love to have kids. I can't believe my mom said that I complained about it, but just something to think about.”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:39] Not bad.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:40] Yeah, and I don't know what's going on. That would be so irritating. Luckily, Jenny's parents, they, they bug her about stuff. I'm off -- I just get fed and have a good time. I love them. They're great, but I hang out with everybody. She's the one who is -- it's like “Jenny helped me with the dishes.” “When are you having babies?” Meanwhile I'm watching TV in the living room. I'm good. I'm good.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:01] I think you, I think you won the lottery on that one.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:03] Definitely.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:05] This is feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

[00:14:09] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator as the late George Carlin once said, “A house's just a place to put your stuff.” So where do you live on the Internet? Where do you keep your stuff? The photos, the blog posts, the means, the daily correspondence between you and your 2000 closest friends. The order form for your ugly Christmas sweater knitting side hustle. If it's a free social media account, you're not even renting that house. You're squatting, it and all your stuff could be gone tomorrow if some bean counter at corporate decides to shut it all down. So stop squatting. HostGator can get you set up with a website that will keep your stuff safe forever. It's as good as owning your own home on the Internet. It's not free but it's so cheap it might as well and you don't even need technical skills. If you can post to Facebook, you can build a website at HostGator, and that's why we recommend HostGator's Website Builder. HostGator allows you to choose from over 100 mobile friendly templates so your site will look great on any device, smart phones, tablets and desktops, and if you want to use WordPress for your site, it only takes one click. And-on options are so plentiful and you can do things like integrate with PayPal and allow customers to buy directly from your website, or increase your search engine visibility without being an expert in SEO. You'll also get a guaranteed 99.9 percent uptime and HostGator's support team is there to help you with any issues you experienced 24/7, 365, don't worry about all this break in the bank. HostGator's giving our wonderful listeners up to 62 percent off all packages for new users with a 45 day complete money back guarantee. So go to hostgator.com/jordan, and sign up right now and quit squatting. That's hostgator.com/jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:50] This episode is sponsored in part by Gusto. If you've got a business or you know someone who does, you probably know that small business owners wear a lot of hats and sometimes these hats are great. I'm wearing a hat right now, but some hats like filing taxes, running payroll, not a whole lot of fun, not really my forte. I don't really like doing that, and that's where Gusto comes in. Jen is a fan of Gusto. She's the one who handles the payroll, the taxes, the HR stuff. Gusto makes this really easy for small businesses. They've got fast and simple payroll processing benefits, expert HR support for small businesses all in one place and Gusto automatically pays and files your federal, state and local taxes so you don't have to worry about it. Plus they make it easy to add on health benefits 401Ks for your team and you, these old school clunky payroll providers that basically are the dot matrix printers of payroll. They were not built for the way modern small businesses work at all. Gusto is to let them handle one of your many hats. You've got better things to do. You want to sit down and you want to do your art, your record, you want to run your business \, and listeners get three months free when they run their first payroll. Jason, how can they get that three months free?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:58] To try demo and see for yourself. Go to gusto.com/jordan. That's G-U-S-T-O.com/jordan to get three months free when you run your first payroll. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals, and if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:32] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:34] Hello team. I recently moved into an apartment in the suburbs of Chicago. Oh man. I just left there. We could have hung out. One of the first things I did was knock on the doors of the other units in my building to introduce myself to my neighbors. When friends would ask me how the new apartment was, I'd tell them about my door campaign in nearly every one of them said, “I shouldn't have done it.” They said I was making people feel unsafe because I was asking them to open the door for someone they didn't know. They said if they were my neighbors, they wouldn't have answered the door. This made me incredibly frustrated. Why was I being shot down for being what I view to be a good neighbor? I want to know who's living around me and I think they would too. I feel like you're more likely to help or easily resolve a dispute with someone you're familiar with. Was what I did wrong or is it just my generation of 30-year-olds being afraid of social interaction? Is there a better way to introduce myself to the people living around me? I'm planning on moving into a house in the coming year and I don't want to get off on the wrong foot and commit some social sin with people who could be my neighbors for a long time. Signed, Nosy Neighbor. And PS, since introducing myself to my neighbors, six different units. I've seen some of them in the halls or outside the building maybe four times in four months. There are hardly any interactions. Maybe it wasn't even worth the trouble.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:47] All right, Jason, you're from Chicago. I don't get this. I feel like his friends are crazy.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:51] I don't, I think his friends are spot on.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:53] Really? Oh that's so interesting because I'm like, no, your friends are crazy. Look, if you live in Berlin, you live in Moscow, trust their judgment over mine. I grew up in the Midwest, right? I've lived in New York, LA, I talked to all my neighbors. I did knock on everyone's door, but he has six units. I mean it's like one little tiny building.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:11] Yeah. I mean, I lived in the suburbs of Chicago. I had a house and I wanted to meet everyone on my street. So I went down and introduced myself. It turns out I had some crazy ass neighbors.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:20] Oh, interesting. And the funny thing is the bipartisanship in the neighborhood that I was in, you'd go Republican, Democrat, Republican, Democrat, and they were all like almost fundamentalist level people. And so they would tell me, it was like, “Oh, don't trust Joe next door. No, he's, he's, no, no, he's crazy.” Then I'd go to Joe, “Don't trust Mary next door. She's crazy.” And then by the time I got around the block, everybody was crazy. I did get some good friends out of it, but for the most part I just found out that everybody in the neighborhood hates each other and they're crazy.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:49] Oh my gosh.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:50] I mean, I think in a small building, if you introduced -- you talk to your neighbors, it's a good idea. If they don't want to talk to you or socialize that's on them. But I feel like that's them being weird. Look, people are going to drop packages off in the wrong place. People are going to make noise. You want to be able to like knock on the door and say, “Hey, is Chloe there?” “Yeah.” “It's pretty late. I have an early meeting. Would you mind turn the music down a little bit?” Not like, “Hi, I'm your downstairs neighbor and you're too loud,” and it's 4 a.m, and you're drunk.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:17] Right, yeah. No, there's a fine balance I think with that because you want to be friendly with your neighbors, but you don't necessarily want to be friends with your neighbors. There's a fine line there because once you're friends with your neighbors, when you stop being friends, then your enemies with your neighbors.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:32] Oh interesting. I don't have that problem. I stay friends, don't I? I'd like to think so.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:36] Okay. That was just one of the, you know -- we do know, we did know each other's names. I do like I do like the premise where if you meet somebody, you know their name, they are more likely to help you in an emergency, and I that's fantastic. But I think it might've been too forward to go around and knock on everybody's door at first.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:52] Maybe, yeah. Maybe you could just introduce yourself when you see people.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:55] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:55] But I would've done the door knocking thing for sure. That's how I roll.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:59] I had a house so I could see people in the front yard when they're out there, like doing their grass or anything or walking their dogs because I had dogs so I'd be walking around, more opportunity.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:08] Well, “There goes crazy Jason walking his dogs.” Saying all the neighbors, he's crazy.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:12] That’s righ.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:12] He's the one who came around, knocked on the door. He's probably -- it's probably case in our house.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:16] Case in the joint, yeah. Oh shit! I better get a SimpliSafe.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:19] Yeah. There you go simplisafe.com/jordan. So I don’t know -- I would say -- whenever I hear stuff like this, I'm like get off Snapchat and get some sun. You know like you talking about don't introduce yourself to your neighbors. I'm glad my neighbors are normal.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:33] Oh, good for you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:33] Yeah, but you know I live in California. We got sun.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:37] Normal is variable in California.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:39] That’s right. The bar is low. All right, next up.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:42] Hey Jordan, my question is about how much to share when the boundaries for sharing are blurry. I've recently become an ambassador for a charity and it's my job to speak in front of big audiences at fundraising events. These events are full of high powered business people, lords and ladies, successful entrepreneurs and even royalty. Insane opportunity, I know. I'm a small business owner and the charity will actively help me connect with these way out of my league people. I'm both jumping up and down excited, and bricking it at the same time. I had to figure out what bricking it bent but then I got to figured it out after a second. Yeah, might need to go get some new MeUndies. My role is to share my story with the audience, to tell them about my life, how the charity has helped me and where I am today. I can share as much or as little as I want. Problem is my story is pretty grim in places,

and the last thing I want is a pity party, even if it's black tie. I've never done anything like this before. I've always been scared of being seen. For my practice speech, I even made the charity staff closed their eyes when I spoke. I'm up for the challenge and want to share my story, but how do I be as real honest and open as I want to be and still maintain the respect of the audience? I know I can connect with them on a personal level, but I don't want them to think I'm broken and risk them not taking me seriously. I want to look and sound empowered and strong, so when being real, raw and open is the name of the game. How do I know how much is too much? Anyway, you studied a ton of this kind of stuff and I'd really value your opinion. Hope to hear back from you but totally cool if not, The Dark Ambassador.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:09] Oh, nice. So if you're telling a story that's harrowing to a group of people at a charity, the emotions are actually key. You definitely want to make sure that you convey how crazy the story is or how incredibly touching it is. You don't want to -- you don't want to kind of blunt that. You got to get real, you got to get robbed, but you don't need to then sit at the bottom. So you can be as raw as you want getting to the bottom and like getting to the sort of the literally the low point, I guess in the story, but then you don't want to sit there and just over and over, sort of kicking that horse, if you will. You get to the bottom and you make everyone tear up and start to cry and then you start to deliver the results. How you got through it. This is the delivery. This is the payoff, but there's no payoff without the downside. So you can't skip over. “Yeah, and then, you know, I got addicted to drugs and I was homeless for a while and had to do all this crazy stuff and I lost all my kids, and then I found this charity and now I'm so happy.” It's like, look, take time, getting to the bottom there and then bounce right off the bottom and deliver that payoff. So it sounds like you're sensitive a little bit about what you went through. That totally makes sense. It's okay to be that way. This will actually increase the emotional connection you need to feel these emotions when you deliver this speech, this talk. You can't just go through the motions.

[00:24:33] So don't try to blunt your reaction to what it is you're saying. Practice enough so that if you start crying or you really start getting emotional, you can get through it. You don't need to pause. You don't need to leave the stage. You don't need to have a 32nd break. You can get through it without crying at all or with crying just a little, and tearing up. Let the audience though go nuts. Let them cry. You know they signed up for this. When you go to a charity gala, you're supposed to tear up. You're supposed to cry. You're supposed to have an emotional response. That's the whole idea, you've got this. It sounds like if anything, you've got plenty to work with and you just need to deliver it. The charity would not have had you speak at all if they didn't think you could do it and do it well, and they don't have you up there because they're going to be like, “Oh, she'll be great and funny.” They want you up there because they know you're going to be real and raw. They've already seen you do this. This is why you're going up on stage in the first place, so break a leg and let us know how it goes.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:30] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:33] This episode is also sponsored by Sitch Fix. Again, people say not another damn subscription box. This is not a subscription, but it is an online personal styling service that delivers shoes, clothes, accessories to fit your body budget and lifestyle. And of course, I was kind of like, ll right, I want to go into the office and I want to see what's going on because people are getting collectively pretty sick of like by this and we'll send stuff to you, but Stitch Fix is really exceptional. I walked in there, first thing you noticed when you walk in the office, there's all these really well-dressed guys where you go, “Okay fine, I wouldn't have thought to put this clothing together.” So maybe you guys know what you're doing and let's talk with my friend Amanda who works there and she's like, “Look, we really care about getting customers good stuff. We're not trying to get like those high margin clothes. You know when you order some of these things from some of their competitors, you get like a sweater made out of Kleenex basically. You're like, “Okay, you charge me this, but your margin is like 7,000 percent markup here.” StitchFix does a great job of listening to your feedback, getting you stuff you actually want to wear, getting you stuff in the right size. They don't do that thing where you go, “I want some shorts,” and then you get something that you could only wear like you know on Saturday night in West Hollywood if you catch my drift, like you get stuff that's going to be fit for your style and it seems like they're getting to know me pretty well through my feedback slash Jen's feedback on what I actually fit into and where.

[00:27:00] So I'm a fan of Stitch Fix, and I think they do a really good responsive job. They'll pair you with a personal stylist, they'll handpick items to send to your door. You try them on, you pay only for what you love and you return the rest. And I'm not getting brands where I'm like, “Oh, never heard of this.” I'm getting like, I think I got like a John Varvatos sweater last time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:19] Nice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:20] And I went, how did they get this for the price that I paid for this box? Like, they're working some magic there and shipping and exchanges and returns are always free as well and there's no subscription required. That's the key. You don't have to go great find sent 17 boxes of crap to my door. You sign up to receive scheduled shipments, you get your fix whenever you want. It's essentially like pro-level clothes shopping except you don't actually have to go freaking to the store and drop trout in a mall somewhere.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:51] And somebody with taste is picking your clothes for you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:52] Yeah, somebody would see -- exactly, like outsource that and even their styling fee, they apply towards anything you keep from your shipment, so you really can't beat that. Jason, tell them how to get started.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:02] You can get started now at stitchfix.com/jordan, and you'll get an extra 25 percent off when you keep all items in your box. That’s stitchfix.com/jordan to get started today. Stitchfix.com/jordan.

[00:28:13] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air and puts food on the table and we are forever grateful. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:30] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:32] Hey, Jordan and the team. You've been insisting for quite a while that networking and online presence is important and you even have this new advanced course on the subject and I truly believe that you're right. But I somehow feel that probably it doesn't apply to me because there's something that stops me even from getting a profile with my real name on any social media. I'm concerned that my past can negatively affect my present and my future. I'm okay with the things that I've lived through, sex work as an escort, a nervous breakdown that led to about of homelessness, and involuntary stay at a psychiatric ward, a bit of drug abuse and some less scandalous things. I'm doing fine now. I'm healthy both physically and mentally. Sometime has already passed and I have a normal stable job and I'm back on my feet. Some of those things were actually quite interesting experiences and they've enriched me as a person. It's not that I was a victim, but nevertheless, in my opinion, my past is highly likely to be considered unseemly by the general public, especially when you live in a more traditional patriarchal society in Eastern Europe like I do. These events took place when I was living in a different country, so where I live now, nobody knows about that or so I think. So I expect that if somebody who knew me back then sees my profile, they might complicate present and my future by spreading information about me and all that networking idea would simply backfire on me. In the worst case scenario, I think I will become unemployable. Nobody will respect me. Everybody will turn their back on me. I might be considered a suitable target for verbal and maybe even physical abuse and so on.

[00:29:59] The second thing that keeps me from getting online is a kind of stupid shame. I've always been one of the brightest students at school, but I haven't amounted to anything meaningful. Although I played my cards the best I could and the circumstances that I was in. Anyway, social media was not really a thing back then, and I'm not in touch with anybody I met over in the other country. So I'd really like to know your opinion about the use of social media when you have something heavy in your past as well as that shame you feel for not realizing your potential. Thank you very much. Don't want my past to bite me in the ass.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:29] Oh man. This is like a -- there's a whole lot of tough stuff in here, and I realize this, you're probably going to need some counseling and therapy for the shame because this isn't something you're just going to be able to tuck away, especially when we're talking homelessness, drug abuse, escorting, sex work that you haven't quite done. Maybe it sounds like you didn't choose that for yourself and this sounds like you've got a lot of that toxic shame. This isn't something I'm going to be able to help with in a 32 second answer here or one minute answer here, so I would start on that process. But as for the social media and the online presence, you don't have to worry about this stuff at all. I mean, if you really want to get online, reinvent yourself, use a different name if you have to online. You can use a nickname, you can change your name legally. You can change your name, not legally and just use something online. It's not searchable. It's going to be really tough, especially since there was no social media -- you're probably my age, maybe older. There's no social media back then, so the record is incomplete so that's actually really good for us. And you don't really need social media though. It's largely a waste of time.

[00:31:36] When I say online presence, I mean if you're going to be working and running a business, you need to have your own domain. I would buy that for sure. I would put a site up under your name that's easy Google insurance, but use your email to keep in touch with people. You don't have to be on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or anything else, and if you do, like I said, just ghost account or totally anonymous, change your name.

[00:31:57] You don't have to be super Republic. It doesn't matter what you have or have not accomplished, especially if you don't wear it on your sleeve, especially online. You don't have to have your identity as some fancy pants job to impress old friends. That's a really unhealthy reason to get online or to be online. The shame issue though, is a real issue here. You've got to address this. Get yourself together, get after it, get some therapy, have a counseling session or 10, because this toxic shame isn't going to fix itself. You're never too old to get out there, reinvent yourself, start something new and you will pass trauma. So congrats on everything you've done for yourself and all the healing you've done. It's the beginning of a new path and so don't feel the need to be connected to the old one. In fact, I think moving past the toxic shame is going to be hampered if you're online, comparing yourself to other people, and hoping you don't get discovered. So put that to the bottom of the list and don't worry about that at all right now. Focus on healing yourself before getting online. All right, next step.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:57] Dear J and J. I'm 24 years old, and I didn't go to college straight out of high school. Instead of finding immediate full time work in the dental lab industry before transitioning to pest-control for my wife's family company. The job pays well, has amazing benefits and I work with great people. I'm pretty well set up. My wife and I bought a house in our hometown last year and we both have 401Ks since the age of 18, and so you'd think it was all great, but I don't feel any sense of satisfaction from the job itself. I'm frankly a bit embarrassed when I tell people I work in pest control and I'm not overly proud of myself for ending up here. For years, since graduating high school, I kept telling myself not to go to college until I knew exactly what I wanted to do, to minimize the financial impact of aimlessly wandering through secondary education with no goals.

[00:33:42] I finally decided after talking to my wife's aunt that I'm going to go back to school with the goal of becoming a registered nurse, and she's going to help me out with studying since she's a nurse herself. I'm planning on enrolling for the winter term this year to begin prerequisites for entering a nursing program, but I won't be able to finish them all to meet the requirements to apply for the 2019 program. I have a scholarship that will pay 100 percent of my tuition for four years and a younger brother graduating from high school that is going to school for engineering. These are also factors that are convincing me to get my button gear and finally make a more permanent career decision, but every time I let my mind wander about going back to school, I get a grab bag of mixed feelings. I'll feel motivated, actually ready to go back and excited when I think of where I could end up, but also terrified at the idea that I may be biting off more than I can chew. I doubt that I'm capable and disheartened that it will likely realistically take me three years or more to receive an associate degree due to scheduling issues with the classes and still working part time. I think I'm mostly scared of change. I'm worried that if I don't do something I won't do anything because I know the longer I wait, the harder it would become, but I can't seem to fully embrace the good feelings without being heavily distracted by the bad. Is this a normal reaction? Do you guys have any recommendations for ways to overcome fear in a situation like this, or am I just crazy? Any advice would be much appreciated, Bugged By Bugs.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:05] Yeah. This is a normal reaction and you are crazy like everyone else. I think--

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:10] Welcome to the club.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:11] Yep. It's really normal to feel this way. Catastrophizing or feeling like, what if I fail, self-doubt, and posture syndrome. This going to be especially common with you because you're the first -- there's no baseline for this in the family. Any decision like this involves fear normally, any fear of change is normal, and you don't have a route -- you don't have a comparison. It's not like, “Oh, of course you're going to be fine. Your parents went to college, they were fine.” You don't really have that. So of course you're going to feel this way, but you're not going to lose anything by going to school. Take it slow. There's no race to graduate. Enjoy learning. Spend three years on a two year degree or whatever it is if you need to. Enjoy learning. Enjoy the process. Especially since you have a scholarship. I mean, anyone with a real job like you have, can absolutely handle most college programs if they're admitted to period. Jobs are much harder than school. I know it's a different skill set, but I would say that jobs require a lot more responsibility than college, which is kind of -- at least when I was going a really soft landing pad to get or launch pad for the real world.

[00:36:15] So the fact that you've got a scholarship though, says you're very likely to be successful there. Colleges aren't in the business of giving scholarships to people who they don't think are going to graduate with flying colors. It's a waste of their money. They're betting on you. They're putting their money where their mouth is and letting you go to their institution. They know more about that institution and the difficulty level than anyone. And they're betting on you and they have the most information. So that's it. That's a huge sign. Huge vote of confidence. You're right, the longer you wait, the harder it is to go back. So take the opportunity. If everyone else believes in you, especially the university, you can 100 percent, you can do this.

[00:36:50] So start slow until you get the hang of classes. You know, take it easy first semester. Make sure you've got the work life balance, you get your routines down, and then add more courses as your schedule allows. You got this. Look, colleges is hard for some people, but I think for adults it's much easier because you're used to getting up early, showing up somewhere on time, figuring out how to park and walked and plan for time and get things done. I mean, when I was in college, I had no systems for this. You're grown up, you'll be fine. All right, last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:23] All right, we got this one. It has a title called a corgi quinceanera hoping the subject line made you all laugh. Maybe you will even laugh at the situation below. I own a house in three friends rent rooms for me and we've only had very minor drama over 14 months, just around cleaning, because it's four dudes and one always shedding corgi. Well that isn't until myself and another roommate decided to throw a quinceanera party for his corgi. That's for a 15 year old, right?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:48] Yeah. It's like I don't know if it's just a Mexican, at least it's a Latin thing where it's like sweet 16, but it's 15, I guess.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:57] All right. Myself and Corgi dad liked to host people and I've had several themed parties, Corgi dad pampers his dog, so it's not surprising he wants a party for her. Now, the tension. At first when we brainstorm the idea for a party with nachos and boozy horchata, all roommates were onboard. Everything went as expected, dividing up tasks, picking dates, making a Facebook event, and then Corgi dad said quinceanera, and everyone was into it. Then the turn came when a friend, the quinceanera DJ dropped off to sombreros for the party. That's when two roommates said they felt they were being disrespectful to the culture. So I read online about the customs, listened to a podcast quinceaneras and talked to my coworker and friend who is from Mexico and had quinceanera when she was 15. She told me it was like a sweet 16 party, and if she invited us to a sweet 16 party for her Chihuahua, would we be offended? She even volunteered to bring a traditional cake. She gave me advice on all of the things, events, and traditions we have to do. She was excited about it and said, it sounds like a great party. Sincerely, too much doggy drama.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:00] I think it's funny that he asked this Mexican friend and I don't know if he invited her to the party. She was like, it was really unclear. I hope he invited her, you know, instead of just like having--

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:10] She was bringing the cake.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:11] Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Okay, okay.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:13] She’s coming with the cake.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:13] Because I was like, “Man. Hey, we're doing this great thing. We're doing this, this, this and this. Is this offensive?” “No, it sounds like a lot of fun.” “Cool. Thanks. Bye.” That's kind of how I read that. Yeah, so this is ridiculous to me.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:24] Yeah, just a little bit.

Jordan Harbinger: [0:39:27] Look, I get that some people get offended about certain elements of cultural appropriation. But you're not doing anything. I just can't wrap my mind around this. And so we followed up because we're like, “Look, if someone feels offended, maybe there's some other thing going on.” So ask your Mexican or Hispanic roommates, why this is offensive? Well, we found out that's two freaking white dudes. They're just like, we decided -- we were sitting around one day and we decided to get offended because we were bored and had too much time on our hands or something.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:58] Nice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:59] So we decided that we have too much white privilege and we're culturally appropriating, and then he confers with somebody who doesn't give a crap. I mean, it's just--

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:07] I bet these guys got busted at Coachella for wearing like native head dresses or something and now they're like overly sensitive to it. They're like, “Oh, we can't go to taco bell. That's culturally insensitive anymore, man.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:16] Yeah, exactly, man. Exactly. I just, I don't even get me started here. Are your friends a lot? No. Okay, if they're not, then these guys were on board until they decided to get offended about this. I'm sorry. This is a totally unreasonable, there are many other things to get angry at which deserve more attention and energy. They're not Latino. That doesn't matter. Yes, you can probably get angry or a myth about other cultural appropriation if you see something super inappropriate. But look, any Mexican restaurant you go to in the United States is going to have mariachi with sombreros, and they're going to be putting them on kids. It's American, honestly, to do this. You know, and it's not a religious holiday that you're having for a dog or cheapening. I mean it's a sweet 16 party. It's about as secular as it gets. And I think this is anger as a sport. This is outrage porn. That's what we call this.

[00:41:10] Don't give into people like this because this gives people the what they want, which is attention. These guys were totally fine. And then something, sombrero, Oh no! I got to be -- this girl I'm dating decided that that's offensive and I don't want to impress her, so we're going to screw up the whole party. If they were really concerned about this type of thing, they wouldn't have agreed to any of the other activities. Actually, they were totally cool dressing up the dog.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:33] Yeah. Let's put some Roman to horchata, why aren't they offended Horchata?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:36] Oh gee, I don’t know. We're going to play quinceanera music. Is that cool? Yeah, that's great. Oh, it's all in Spanish. That's fine. But Oh hey, a sombrero now that's over the line.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:43] Oh, man, you can't have a hat. You can’t have a hat.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:4] Who draws the line at hat? So like they decided to get angry about it and now they're getting a reaction out of people. So it puts them in control. Now we've got to plan everything around them. We've got to ask other people. We've got to give them attention, make sure they're cool with everything. They just basically got crowned. Everything has to go through me because I'm the one that's offended, and I hate this about America right now. I think it's so ridiculous. It has nothing to do with protecting culture, has everything to do with them feeling validated and them feeling influential, them feeling important, them feeling like they have a big role to play in this. I could do a whole show about this sort of thing, but I think we already did.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:22] Jonathan Haidt.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:23] That's right. If you haven't yet find our recent episode with John Haidt, Jonathan Haidt in the show notes. Have a listen, H-A-I-D-T, if you're doing a search. He explains much more in depth the problems caused by people getting fake offended or real offended by everything everywhere that they can, and then he talks about where this is going to lead us. His book was called The Coddling of the American Mind, and that's exactly what's going to happen if we have to coddle these two roommates. Look, they're probably nice people. They mean well maybe, but I think that the process that causes this BS outrage is often subconscious. They feel like they're supposed to get offended because they've read something on website and then they get all this attention and then they become addicted to this. I'm all for not being blatantly racist to be clear, but having a Mexican theme party for an animal is fun and nothing more. Especially a quinceanera. It's not like you're making it about the nation of -- it's not even, there's just no way to reasonably get offended by this. It's not like you're dressing your dog up as ganche. And you're like, “Doo wally party from my dog.” It's not religious. There's nothing here. People need to get a grip this week. Jeez.

[00:43:35] Tank's Good News of the Week from Tank's Good news on Instagram. Daryl Davis, African American guy here, his like hobby, if you will, is he talks KKK members into giving up their robes and getting out of the KKK. He's done like 200 days.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:51] Wow, yeah, that's kind of prolific.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:53] That's a big dent in an organization that has a tiny, tiny membership.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:57] And tiny, tiny brains.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:58] Yes. With tiny, tiny everything. And so what he does, I guess the way this first happened was he was playing some jazz music and some guy came up and said, “I just want to shake your hand, scrape music.” And he's like, “Thanks.” And he goes, oh, I've never shaken the hand -- I think he said like, “I never shook a black man's hand before.” And he's like, “Are you kidding? Why?” And he's his cousin, the guy was with them was like, “Oh, he's in the KKK.” And he's like, “Yeah, but you know, I like your Jerry Lee Lewis style music.” And he goes, “What are you talking about?” Jerry Lee Lewis learned how to play this kind of music from F don't know. It was like Fats Domino and people like that. And he's like, “No, no. Jerry Lee Lewis invented jazz.” And it's like, “Oh my God!”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:37] Let me explain something to you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:40] Hang on a second now. Yeah, so he started talking with this guy and the guy eventually just realized how dumb his belief system was, like how ridiculous all of this stuff was. And he's got a really interesting way of doing it. I was reading this article, how he talks to them. He just lets them talk themselves out of it. You know, one of the examples he gave was this guy he was talking with said, “African Americans have a gene that makes them violent.” And he goes, “I've never heard anyone.” He goes, “Well, that's because the gene is latent. It hasn't come out yet.” And he's all smug and he's sitting there and the know passenger seat of the truck or whatever they're talking. And so Daryl Davis goes, “Well, did you know that all white people have a serial killer gene? They're all latent serial killers.” And the guy goes, “What are you talking about? I've never killed anyone.” He goes, “Well that's because the gene hasn't come out yet. It's like it's latent.” And the guy goes, “That's stupid. That doesn't make any sense.” And it's like, “Really? It's about as stupid as the thing that you said to me. I think you're right. It is stupid.” And the guy just gets quiet and changes the subject. But like you do that enough times and somebody's like, “Oh yeah, this is BS.” So Daryl Davis was the most persuasive man around letting people talk themselves out of that stupidity, I thought that was really interesting.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:49] I think we should get him for the show.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:50] Yeah, why not? Yeah, actually it's not a bad idea. I mean he seems like he's got a system and you can find more Tank's Good News if you follow Tank’s Good News on Instagram run by my friend, Tank Sinatra. Recommendation of the week. You saw the new Derren Brown, right? I haven't seen it yet.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:05] Yeah. It's called Sacrifice on Netflix. He is knocking them out of the park. This was different from the last one because this is like, remember the last one where he tried to get somebody to kill somebody by pushing them off a roof?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:17] Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo: [0:46:17] Yeah. That was a little dark.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:19] Yeah, it was.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:20] That was actually super dark and when I went into this one I was like, “Ah, maybe this isn't going to be as fun as I think it's going to be, but this is about trying to get somebody to take a bullet for somebody that they don't actually like.” And it's a Derren Brown show, so you got to watch it and see how it plays out, but it was fantastic. I love his system. I don't know how much of its real and how much of it's not because editing, but from what I can tell you, it was a great -- it was a great special, highly recommended.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:45] Yeah. I'm going to check that out. I love Derren Brown. I love these psychological -- it's not a reality show. It's like a real psychological experiment that's documented. It's kind of its own little thing there. Yeah, I love that stuff. So I'm going to check that out. Derren Brown : Sacrifice on Netflix. We'll link to it in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that.

[00:47:03] I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. We're happy to keep you anonymous of course. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to Diego Urbina, he's working on the Mars Rover and listening to the show. So go ahead and write my name or the show name on some part of that Mars Rover. Well, yeah, that'd be pretty cool.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:27] Pretty cool.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:0:47:28] Yeah, just take out a Sharpie. Can't add that much weight. It's all good. And Hayley Hofstetter, she's listening with her mom. She's a loyal fan of the show, has been for a long time. She actually made a cameo in a dream I had, which sounds a little creepy now that I say it out loud. In any case, glad to have you back with us, Hayley.

[00:47:44] If you want to know how we managed to book all these great guests, manage these relationships, get all these interesting folks for the show. I'm teaching you guys how to reach out to folks in maintain relationships, networking, if you will, but in a nondirty, nongross way, that takes about three minutes a day. Check out the Six-Minute Networking Course over at jordanharbinger.com/course, and don't put it off. You can't make up for lost time with this stuff. You've got to have those relationships ready. You can't leverage them when you need them. You got to have them built over years. So look a few minutes per day. This is not fluff. It is crucial. It's the most important thing I've probably learned in the last 10, 20 years. jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. And Jason, where can they find you?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:29] You can find me at my personal website at jpd.me, and you can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks over at gog.show or your podcast player.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:38] This show is co-produced with Jen Harbinger, and show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keeps sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Remember, try and keep them concise if you can. It really does increase the chances your question will get answered on the air. Share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. Very excited for what we have upcoming. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.