104: How to Invite Criticism without Hating Yourself | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Invite Criticism without Hating Yourself | Feedback Friday (Episode 104)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer, Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests and this week we had Chase Hughes talking about authority and influence. He's a bad ass. He works with the military civilians, intelligence agencies, and other folks. Black hat and white hat I'm sure, or I should just say in the shadows and also in the public eye. And we were going to be working together pretty soon on some of this stuff, which is pretty cool. He's talks a lot about authority, influence, persuasion, verbal and nonverbal communication, just really always a hugely popular guest on the show. And we had Coss Marte talking about, well let's just say he set up the Uber of cocaine back before there was Uber and he's going to talk all about what he learned from doing that and going to prison and coming out and starting a new business that is a on the other side of the law, the right side of the law, if you will.

[00:00:55] So if you miss those, highly recommend you go and check those out. Our primary mission of course is to pass along our guests and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com try to keep them concise. If you can't, it really does increase the chance your question will get answered on the air. Now, Jason, we were rolling out our Advanced Human Dynamics Live Event this past week and it's funny, I had all these notes for like a week from now, a month from now, how to sell out the event, what we're going to do and all this stuff. We sold the event out in three hours or I think it might've even been less than that from one email that we sent to one segment of our list.

[00:01:41] So I guess maybe we slightly underestimated the interests you all had in coming to our live event. We literally ran out of room and then we created a waiting list that afternoon that was the same size as the event attendee list, and I think it blew through that you know the next day. So really awesome to be seeing how interested you all are in our Advanced Human Dynamic stuff, our live events and of course our Six-Minute Networking class, which is free and online. People need to be on our newsletter to be notified or doing the Six-Minute Networking course to be notified. So if you get a jordanharbinger.com/course, you can get in on that. Also, I'm going to be in Australia October 18th through 20th in Brisbane at the We Are Podcast Conference. That's a podcast conference in Australia in Brisbane. I will be there speaking. It's a lot of fun. I'm actually going to be there before and after that slightly, but I like this conference. It's run by my friend, Ronsley. You can join us there. If you're into podcasting and you want to learn more about how to do it and meet some cool folks like me. I think Pat Flynn, did I just say cool folks like me? Punch me in the face.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:49] I would go, if you insist.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:51] Punche me in the face, and all right, I'm going to be there in addition to other cool folks like Pat Flynn, who you might've heard of smartpassiveincome.com. Really nice guy. My friend Ronsley, who runs the event, Omar Zenhom from $100 MBA. My wife's going to be there, so get excited about all that. Dave Jackson from a School of Podcasting. There's a ton of other people. Travis Chappell is going to be around there. There's actually quite a few folks from the Australia podcast scene that are going to be there. Oh, a James Cridland is going to be there, Jason, from Podnews. That's cool. Get a chance to hang out with him.

[00:03:24] By the way, Podnews, if you're in the podcasting business, if you go to podnews.net you can sign up. It's a very sort of inside baseball thing, like today they're like Spotify unveils a new way for podcasters to submit their show to Spotify without being a partner, you know that's not super consumer focus but if you have your own podcast you should be on Podnews, so go to podnews.net. If you want to buy some tickets to We Are Podcast down in Australia, go to wearepodcast.com/2018, and come say hi. I'd love to see you there. All right, that's enough housekeeping. What is the first thing out of the mailbag here, Jay?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:58] Hi Jordan. Jason, Jen and team. I started using the Six-Minute Networking re-engagement techniques and they are working splendidly. I sent out an email to a professional acquaintance two weeks ago to see how they were doing and ended up getting invited to a party that will be full of professional contacts and networking opportunities. My question is if by using the re-engagement script once a quarter or so, will it grow stale? Have you ever had someone notice that you're using the same lines three or four times a year when texting or emailing. Thanks for all the great work you guys do. Love the show and looking forward to LevelTwo. Signed, Curious Correspondent.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:30] So congrats on the success so far. This is actually a really good question. I think it's really telling that you just started using Six-Minute Networking and you're already seeing the benefits of getting invited to high level events. That's the whole point of Six-Minute Networking, re-engaging and filtering in these opportunities, so that's great. As to your question, I've actually never been called out on using the same re-engagement scripts or lines every quarter or so. I think one, people don't really notice. Two, they don't really care, and if they do notice they probably care less about me using some of the same language than they do about actually hearing from me in the first place, and further, since the script always changes based on what you learned in Six-Minute Networking about customizing the script and using people's names and talking about where you met them and the last time you spoke, which is actually easier than it sounds. It's not really the same thing. It's not like you're cutting and pasting the same text over and over. So it's really unlikely somebody would ever notice or call it out. It's kind of like saying, “Hey, didn't you say how's it going last time you sent me a text?” “Yeah, I did.” And that's a normal thing to do. If someone does notice or call you out, it doesn't really matter. You're the one who's actually doing the work of keeping in touch. So if you get in touch with somebody four times in a year and you're the one that starts the conversation and they never do, the fact that you're using some similar languaging, it's kind of like well, you're the one that actually put in the work. So it would be pretty tacky of someone who was themselves too lazy to keep up the communication to question the methods that using in doing so.

[00:05:59] And I get why you wrote this in, I think newbies to Six-Minute Networking worry about this when they shouldn't. This is one of those non-issues that sort of never crops up. People they worry about it anyway because they either aren't customizing the script like they're supposed to be according to the instructions in Six-Minute Networking or because they're using systems to keep in touch with people and they're like, “Oh, this is cheating somehow.” It's not cheating. This is how really good relationship builders work. They don't just randomly think of people all the time. I mean, yes we do, but we don't do it perfectly. I don't keep in touch with 1100 people because I'm randomly thinking of them. There are systems that remind me and then I customize each message. It's really, really easy. It's certainly easier than trying to remember, but congrats on your success so far, and for those of you who have been punting are kicking the can down the road or are hearing this for the first time. Checkout jordanharbinger.com/course, jordanharbinger.com/course. It's free. It's all about re-engaging those opportunities and like you'll see here from Curious Correspondence stuff actually works. All right, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:02] Hi Jordan, Jason, and crew. Lately, I feel like every time I try to talk about issues in my personal life with friends or family or when I receive constructive criticism from my boss, I struggle with becoming overly emotional and crying, even if it isn't that big of a deal. I understand this is probably more of a woman focused question, but I feel like if I don't figure out a way to control it, it will be a detriment to my career, not to mention embarrassing. Recently when my boss called me into his office to tell me I needed to change and improve in some areas, my first reaction was to be upset and shut down, even though thinking about it after the fact, I know he was right. Even thinking about talking to him about it a few days later or practicing what I want to say turns on the waterworks. The same goes for when I'm discussing other personal difficulties with my friends and family. Advice they give me makes me incredibly emotional, even positive and affirming things. I want to be able to have conversations and hear advice I don't necessarily want to hear without looking like a basket case. I want to be able to be more professional than clenching my jaw when being spoken to and returning to my office to cry and not be able to respond thoughtfully in the moment. This is something that has plagued me for years now, it only seems to be getting worse. I even fear now that a job I was laid off from in the past was because I may have seen like I couldn't hold up under pressure. Do you have any advice on how to work on this for the future? I can't believe I'm the only one this happens too, but it certainly feels like at some times. Thanks for all you do, Frequent Crier Miles.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:26] Huh, Frequent Crier Miles. That's pretty good. Not bad. All right, so whenever we have issues like this which show up as emotional outbursts or out of control, emotional reactions, it's often because of something else going on under the surface. You know, like if I'm sitting there crying at Disney movie by myself, it's not because of the Disney movie. And this is the same for anybody, I'm not just giving you a person. I'm not only giving you a personal example. There's a of people I think that don't really realize some of the underlying stress that they're going through. And I'm as guilty of this as anyone. I don't even know if it's a guilty thing. I think this is a human thing. I think people go through this and we put stuff down for months or even years or even our whole life, and it's just kind of right under the surface. So it's really easy to boil a pot of water that's already at 210 degrees. You just need a little bit to push it over the line. And the fact that you know your reaction is out of whack or out of proportion with the feedback coming in, or with the input coming in is a really good sign. To me, the signals, you're not just getting upset because of the feedback itself. You're not getting upset because somebody said something to you, you're upset in general and the feedback or the input or whatever it is somebody says to you that just pushes you over the line, that just gets that boiling point up to two degrees needed to start bubbling. If you forgive the metaphor here. You likely have something that's happened to you in the past that is assigning deeper meaning to the feedback that you get.

[00:09:55] What I mean by this is, for example, your boss says you could be more detailed oriented in your reports and then suddenly, in your mind, you're transported back to the time your teacher embarrassed you in front of the entire class and then you went home and you told your parents and they weren't supportive and then they made it worse or something like that. So there's some sort of underlying thing here. This is exactly the type of thing that might be addressed with a good therapist. It probably is actually holding your career back. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but anytime we're not in control of our emotions, it's a bit embarrassing. And we actually avoid feedback and we avoid career growth because we dread the inevitable emotional breakdown when we get that feedback and we end up stifling ourselves. So in that way we self-limit our career growth as well as signal a lack of professionalism to those who might be giving us feedback as well. And the good news is you're not blaming others for this, you know what the problem is and you're just digging for the cause now, and a good therapist can help with this.

[00:10:56] I think the very act of finding some help with this issue, we'll give you some of the hope you need to get out of the vicious cycle that you're in right now. So I don't think you need to like find the cause immediately and address the problem immediately. I think just going through the process of digging with a therapist, with a good therapist that you trust, will help you get through and start to lower the boiling point or lower the temperature of whatever's going on in your life. Because right now you probably subconsciously feel a little bit out of control and it's being compounded by the fact that you kind of know that you're a little bit out of control and you think it's negatively affecting your life, which it very well might be. So isn't the pressure that's triggering you per se, it's the meaning you're assigning to the feedback or the input itself, and that is actually something that you can fix. So best of luck and keep in touch, because I'd love to hear how this goes for you. The good news is the fact that you see it, that you know it, you're not in denial of it, that's already first few steps.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:56] This is Feedback Friday and we'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:59] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. Listen, we talk a lot about effective networking and relationship building on this show and anyone who's been listening for a while understands the basics of connecting with and being of value to people who help us become better at who we are and what we do. But it's hard to get traction when you're new connections look for you online and they see you don't even have your own website or worse, the only mention of you is from some troll who's got a bone to pick with you or with your business. Why should that troll have control over your reputation when HostGator can have your website up and running today with you in the driver's seat? No experience with code necessary. If you can use a web browser, you can build your own website, no fuss, no muss. That's why we recommend HostGator's Website Builder. HostGator allows you to choose from over a hundred mobile friendly templates, so your site's going to look good on the phone, on the tablet, on the desktop. If you want to use WordPress one click, add-on options are also plentiful. You can integrate with PayPal, you can get some search engine visibility without being a pro and all those areas. 99.9 percent guaranteed uptime and 24/7, 365 support as well and don't worry about it breaking the bank. HostGator is giving our wonderful listeners, that's you, up to 62 percent off all packages for new users with a 45 day complete money back guarantee. So you go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.

[00:13:22] This episode is sponsored in part by Glip from RingCentral. Get better, faster team collaboration for free. Superior team messaging without the limitations. You can share and collaborate on files, you can create and manage tasks to get people to deliver those projects faster and you can screenshare to collaborate instantly with your teams and clients and you get unlimited access to team messaging, tons of users, storage, creating an assigning tasks and more all with their free plan, which isn't bad, especially if you're a small business startup. You can work on the go with access to Glip anytime and anywhere. 64 percent of Glip users deliver projects faster than before, which means that Glip is fast and effective. You can collaborate, you can manage things all in one which gets everyone on the same page and they've got this team messaging and collaboration in one digital workspace. I know a lot of people work in all these different sort of areas and programs. 69 percent of workers waste up to an hour a day navigating between apps. That's 32 work days a year and that's why some smart teams, they use Glip. Jason, where can they get it?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:24] Sign up for a free Glip account to get unlimited access to team messaging, task management, file sharing and more. Go to glip.com/jordan. That's G-L-I-P.com/jordan.

[00:14:36]Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/advertisers, and we also have an Alexa Skill, so you can get inspirational and educational clips from the show in your daily briefing. Go to jordanharbinger.com/alexa, or search for Jordan Harbinger in the Alexa App. Back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:01] All right, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:02] Hi Jordan. How do you handle an old school friend who always says yes to a coffee, but never ever buys you one back. I know it's trivial, but it's totally driving me nuts to the point I've stopped going for a coffee with this person and just suggest the occasional walk. This is because every single time I do, she always expects me to buy and we're still never says how lovely or even a thank you afterwards. Sometimes when I'm less forthcoming on getting out my wallet, we'd go dutch and split the bill. I got such a thing about it one time. I deliberately didn't pay straightaway, nor did I offer to split the bill, only for her to conveniently go to the toilet when it was time for the bill to be settled. I've seen that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:38] Ah, isn't that so tacky?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:40] So tacky.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:40] What the heck, man? Seriously.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:43] Yeah. She gave me money and told me to use it for the coffee she had, so I use it to buy me one too. She was visibly annoyed, so I texted her afterwards saying, I presume she was buying me a coffee is I bought her one last time. Silence. To add a little context. This friend is 40 something, very single as in never been kissed, and until recently had a few years of happily living with her parents rent-free, while in between houses. She's not one of my close friends, but I've known her forever. She's also known for being mean with money and in seven years has only reciprocated dinner once. I did try to speak to her about her entitled attitude, but it didn't go down well. How can I call her out on her entitled behavior without creating a drama or a straight talk the only way. It's quite ridiculous to be put in that situation where you have to spell out how social etiquette works. I've come a long way with this friend by cutting out any social scenario where money is involved, but these situations do still occur. I'd appreciate any advice you have. I love your show. Huge fan. You and Jason are doing a great job. Kind regards, Pay Up Already.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:44] All right, so this is super clear to me. Your friend is really cheap and not just cheap but like sketchy, cheap, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:54] Like super mega level cheap.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:57] Yeah, there's something going on here where she seems to not only be socially inept and probably spoiled at the same time. I mean I just don't know anyone that's 40 plus and hasn't been kissed at all, that doesn't have a little something else going on, you know, in the noggin. A little something, little dose of crazy, and look, I know I'm probably going to need some hate mail for this, but I'm not just saying that because this person has never been kissed. I'm saying that because clearly this person has got some issues in addition to that. Nobody asks -- who acts like this?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:28] Don’t you think?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:29] In fact, come on! The fact that she lived with her parents for years at that age, while also not paying for anything with any friends, even so much as a coffee, this signals that she's got a serious entitlement complex. Like, look, if you live with your parents for a while in your 30s or even your 40s, because you're between houses, that's fine, whatever. But be an adult, don't be like, “Well I live with my parents so everyone has to treat me like a child.” That's just weird. And I normally give someone the benefit of the doubt here, but the fact that she pulls the old bathroom trick when the bill comes that is just straight out of 10th grade, seriously. I don't know any actual adults that do that. I really don't.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:06] At least nobody over 20.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:07] Yeah, yeah. The final nail in the coffin here is the fact that you tried to tell her about this and she rejected the feedback and then the conversation didn't go so well. I mean this is insane. If someone who's a friend of mine tells me something about myself, I would listen to immediately even if I didn't agree. It doesn't mean I wouldn't argue about it or something like that, in a way that makes sense. But if I trust this person, we're friends in real life, et cetera, I would immediately write back or I would immediately engage in this conversation and entertain the idea that they might be right. The fact that she rejected the feedback and got into an argument with you about it shows that not only does she likely know she's acting entitled, she's actually too immature to even do anything about it because she's so entitled. It's just crazy to me. I'd strongly consider asking yourself why you even keep this friend around. She obviously only cares about herself, is totally comfortable taking advantage of her own friends and family. Why do you want or need anyone like this in your life? You shouldn't have to dodge situations where you might have money involved, simply because you know she's going to stiff you and stick you with the bill. That just makes no sense to me at all. If I were in your shoes, I just stopped hanging out with her. I guarantee that if you stop calling her, she will do one of two things. One, she will never bother calling you because it's a totally one sided friendship in the first place, or two, she will guilt trip you for not calling her and try to get you to feel bad that you haven't hung out with her.

And in the second instance she will probably try to use some form of guilt to control you and get you to do what she wants, you know like buy or something or treat her to something. But what she likely won't do is get out her wallet and buy you a freaking coffee ever. So find some new friends. Your seem smart. You seem kind. This is what your current buddies actually praying on by the way. She sees that, she sees that you're a nice and kind, and she's taking advantage of you. Respect yourself. Don't fall for this again, please write me back and tell me that you're not hanging out with this person anymore. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:10] Dear Jordan, Jason and Jen, I've always believed that it's career suicide to leave a job before having another one lined up. I'm four years into a job that gave me red flags within the first two weeks and I should've started looking within a year, but I thought things would improve. The toxic work environment has slowly eroded me and now I struggle with depression, anxiety, insomnia, and other health issues. Everything else in my life besides work is going great. In the last couple of years I've been trying hard to network and apply to jobs and I've gotten so close to final interview stages at various companies. Unfortunately, I live in a very competitive city and haven't had any luck so far. I see a therapist who's urged me to be patient and keep trying as many of her patients report similar frustrations in this city's job market. I have a mortgage and other financial responsibilities, but I wonder how far I'll need to be pushed to my breaking point before I snap. I know that leaving this job would alleviate my emotional health struggles, but then I'll probably be faced with a new set of struggles when potential employers see me as toxic because I've up and left a seemingly good situation. What is someone like me to do when they're at the end of their rope? I feel completely boxed in. Thank you, Retina Cage.

 

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:17] Oh wow, okay. Oh, this is a tough one, man. This is a really bad situation. I'm actually really sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, I can't say much about what you should do here. Yes, the obvious answer is to find a new job and you're trying to do this already. Staying in a situation that's causing you emotional harm is always bad no matter what, but it might, I hate saying this, but it might not be worse than the stress of being unemployed while having to pay your mortgage and your bills. That level of stress is kind of, there's not a whole lot that can rival that. Are you able to transfer to a new department inside your company? That's what I would look at some unorthodox solutions here. Are there other jobs you can take that might involve, let's say a longer commute or you do some remote work? You might have to get flexible here unless you plan to be patient and taking a pay cut, it's not ideal, but it might also be an option, at least short-term because remember then you can get a different job. You can continue to look for another job and you don't have to tell them, yeah, I took a pay cut so give me a crappy raise. You can tell them what you were making before. They're not going to verify that most likely, and if they do, I'm not even sure that they're able to do that. You really might also consider getting a side hustle going, along with a different job that involves that pay cut. So thereby you generate enough income to live while having another revenue stream outside of work. And I don't know what, Jason, you're thinking maybe she should move?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:45] Yeah. If the job market is that tough, it's probably not going to get better anytime soon. So look around the country and find a place that might suit your skills best with a rent that you can afford or a mortgage that you can afford. Sell your place and move. People do it all the time. I've done it a lot and you go to where the jobs are. If you're a skilled person and there are just no jobs there and you're miserable where you're at, I think it might be worth considering just up and moving.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:14] Yeah, that makes sense. I didn't suggest that just because she said she had a mortgage and maybe she doesn't want to sell the house, but I understand. I agree with you. I think moving to a better market might make sense at least for the time being. I'm really sorry, again, you're in this situation, it really stinks for you, and it's always a bummer to hear when someone is stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially when one of the rocks is the result of some terrible boss or otherwise, I guess avoidable work environment or possibly surprise attack work environment. So keep us posted and take care of yourself in the meantime. Self-care in these types of situations is paramount. So make sure you're getting enough sleep, make sure you're working out even if you don't have time, make sure eating right while you deal with the circumstances, even if it means you got to make food and make lunch, get some salads going, that type of self-care, take it from me. That type of self-care is usually the first thing to go, and it often really will compound the problems that you're having. So be careful not to like get addicted to coffee and stop working out and start eating junk food and let yourself go because you're miserable otherwise. You've got to preserve your sanity here. Don't let yourself go. Start taking that self-care seriously so you can preserve your sanity because that's what's going to get you through this. All right, onto the next.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:28] Hi guys, I should have emailed sooner. I'm tied in not dealing with a new relationship. I just ended a 20 year marriage and I'm having trust issues after being with a loyal, faithful and affectionate woman. I just moved into a new rental with my new girlfriend of nine months, and I'm suffering from bouts of jealousy and she's given me no reason to distrust her except for the fact that she left her boyfriend to be with me. She said she was leaving him anyway for what that's worth. In the beginning, we had a great active sex life, but now that we're exclusive, it's dropped way off. It's not all about sex, but it feels like an abrupt change, out of range of what I would've expected. My jealousy and probably ill-founded fear is that she's getting something on the side. How do I deal with these feelings and not act on my jealousy and ruin that trust from my side of things? How do I change this negative mental framework and get back to being in a calm, lucid state. Is a cheater always a cheater? Thanks for any help, Brain On Fire.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:23] Oof, all right. So Jason, I might need your help with this one, but someone who cheats is giving you a big heads up into how they think. It means that they're able to rationalize their behavior. All of us can rationalize behavior but they can rationalize really bad behavior that hurts someone else a lot. That's the difference here. Now that doesn't mean that a cheater is always a cheater in every circumstance. Circumstances change and she might've been holding onto our relationship she didn't like because she was worried about being alone. But the fact of the matter is that she did cheat on him with you. Nothing will ever go back and change that. And what happens when she's holding on to you and that relationship's not good anymore? If she's going to cheat her, she can have the guts to make a decision here?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:08] Well he doesn't specifically say that she cheated on her ex-boyfriend with him. She said she left her boyfriend for him. So there's a gray line there and I can understand why you can see like there might be an infidelity there. Now if she was actively dating him while she still did have a boyfriend, then yes, I can see how that seed is definitely in deeply planted in, in Brain On Fire’s mind. But I mean if they were just friends before that she split with the other guy, then it's a gray area. I don’t think we have a enough information.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:40] I see, you’re right because with the way that I've read it, it said now that we're exclusive, it's dropped off. The sex has dropped off. So I assumed that they were exclusive because she finally left her boyfriend. But before that she was with her boyfriend and him. But she could have just left the boyfriend, been single for a while or been with him but not exclusively, and then they became exclusive. So I guess you're right, there is that sort of like what's the situation here? I read that as she was cheating on her current boyfriend with him and then bounced.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:11] That would be a massive red flag. I get that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:14] That's the way I read it. Okay, so we're not sure. Well the good news is that your jealousy and other suspicion is likely, at least partly the result of your previous marriage. I can't say what might be going on with the drop in intimacy and sexual contact. That's definitely something you should be discussing with her. I'm a little confused by the fact that the sex dropped off sharply once you became exclusive, that seems highly unusual. That makes me wonder how long she was with the other guy while she was with you or if there was any overlap there, that sort of gray area that we don't know. Was it a few weeks? Was it a few months? If it was a long time, you should strongly consider the idea that she was not just cheating on a boyfriend, that she was leaving, but she was having a full on affair with you for a long time. That might've caused the downfall of that relationship and she might be addicted to that sort of excitement, a lot of people are, and that signals very bad things for you and your relationship in the future. If you think the drama of her cheating was part of the excitement that had you guys banging it out all the time, that's going to be a big problem for you in the future because that can't really be replaced with anything, but guess what? Another affair. That's a problem. So if you really think that you're the problem here, definitely confide in a therapist. It's always good to bounce this type of emotional stuff off of a professional that you see regularly over the long-term. But I think your fear that she was a cheater and still is a cheater could likely be very valid. You say she's given you no reason to distrust her, but that's not really the case. It could all be in your head. Sure. Or there could be something else going on here. Unfortunately, the only way to find out is over time, and I can see why that option is not that appealing. So I would wonder if, have you tried talking to her about the lack of intimacy? If not, that's a good place to start. I hope that helps. It seems like there's a lot to think about here. You should confide to therapists ,because at the end of the day, if there's stuff that she's actually doing and it's not just all in your head, that's a really big red flag for your relationship. But if it is you and only you, you need to fix it because it's going to ruin all of your relationships in the future if you don't get it handled. All right, what's next, Jason?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:23] I love your show, Jordan and Jason, I've been a lawyer for 16 years and running my own firm for seven. I've had many partners, associates, paralegals, secretaries, bookkeepers, et cetera, with lots of baggage. Hell, I've had my own stuff to work through like every human. One of the best paralegals I've ever had currently has worked for me for over five and is compassionate, hardworking, loyal, and really good at her job. All of our clients love her and I pay her above most of her peers. However, her personal life is always a complete disaster and it never seems to be her own doing. Her first husband turned into a drug addict and is behind on child support to the tune of over $30,000. She's in court five to six times a year on his case. She's married to a good man now, but there always seems to be some family drama in her blended family. Her parents are disabled and needy, and it's a constant drain on her sanity and health, her siblings are worthless and needy. All our friends and family have a litany of deep problems and all seem to become clients eventually.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:19] Yikes. Yeah, letting them into your business is probably not the greatest idea, but go ahead.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:25] Over the years, she's had to take several weeks off due to health problems, which have never been really diagnosed, stomach problems, false lupus diagnosis, headaches, et cetera. I suspect that the health problems are always physical manifestations of mental strain. To make things worse, she gets really, really involved with our client's problems and becomes entrenched. Clients call her at all hours and on the weekends. She seems to take it in stride for a while, but then burns out every few months. I don't pay overtime and constantly chide her about working after hours. She truly cares about others and their problems, but it takes a toll on her. I tell her that she has no boundaries with friends and family and even clients. I've tried to help her create boundaries with her life or go to counseling and she never listens. She's a truly good person and if I could quote unquote fix her life, I really would. She's stubborn and doesn't listen to me or really anyone else for that matter. I fully expect one day that you'll either have a serious and real physical health problem, have a mental breakdown, and have to be committed, it happened once before apparently, and or just completely lose it and quit and sit at home depressed. She tells me that her job and her dog and daughter are the only sane things in her life. From a selfish perspective, as much as our clients love her, they don't want to really pay for all the extras she does for them. They just expect that her time and attention is quote unquote part of the fee. I've suggested that she needs to just quit and work on herself, but she doesn't listen. Any thoughts are appreciated.,Problem With A Paralegal.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:49] Wow! Okay, lots going on here. So Holy moly, she's a disaster. I feel bad for, but I also see how this is of her own making. So she's probably grown up preprogrammed or programmed to support others. The disabled, needy parents line kind of gave that away. The whole “Yeah, they're always all asking for stuff and needy, disabled.” This has been something that's shown up in her relationships as well. So she's got a repeat pattern with friends, crappy broken ex-husband who's always given her trouble and run into a bunch of his own problems. She gives too much to others and leaves nothing for herself, which is why she's not going to listen to you and why she hasn't listened to you. You telling her to take care of herself, something she's never done before and never been comfortable doing and never been allowed to do is kind of like telling her to speak only Chinese in the office starting next week. It is such a foreign concept. It's literally impossible for her right now. She doesn't even know where to begin. She has no clue where would one even start doing something they've never done their whole life that they have no program for. There's also a part of her that feels needed and important and loved when she responds to this stuff from clients, from friends, and from family. Now she's really torn between that need to be needed and her sanity, and unfortunately in these situations the need to be needed is more intense and especially in the short term than the long term plan of staying sane, healthy, and having actual boundaries. So the real bummer here is that there is nothing you can do for her in terms of making her see the issue. She probably does already see the issue and she probably does know that there's a problem, but she's literally addicted to the feelings that she gets from being needed by others. This is how she experiences love and caring, because this is the pattern that was set up by her parents. This is a pattern she grew up with. Breaking it will take a lifetime of therapy and boundary setting for her. This is not something you can tell her over lunch. I think the only thing you can really do here is support her in getting help from a professional, if she is even willing to get help and making that an option for her. “Hey, she can go to therapy Tuesday and Thursday each week, and I'm not going to give her crap about being late for work.” It's what she does in the mornings, those days, and that said, she has to want it first, man. It doesn't sound like she's even there yet. You should be prepared for the ish to hit the fan with her at some point in the future. That is almost inevitable. I don't know if it's going to be the crazy ex-husband. I don't know if it's going to be the parents. If it's going to be client burnout. She's going to end up not showing up to work one day and you're going to find out that she's just had some kind of breakdown. I hate to say that, but people who give, give, give, give, gives like this, they're headed for trouble and in the end I really do feel for you because you're adjacent to this and it sounds like you're a good person who doesn't want to let go of a great employee. And I also feel for her because in her world, from her view, she is stuck in a pattern that is impossible to escape even though deep down this situation is largely within her control.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:56] Yeah. I think he nailed it on the head. I don't know that there's much that he can really do except wait for her to blow up some bomb, because it's going to happen. I've known givers like this. I've been one, and it takes a long time to get through and it sounds like she's stuck in that loop, and it's going to be really hard for her to get out of there. She needs to get to therapy immediately.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:15] Yeah, yeah. She needs to have boundaries setting with a professional who actually says, “How did we do last week with setting boundaries? How often did we talk to our crazy ex? How often did we let our parents interfere with our personal plans?” I mean, there's a whole lot of stuff that we can't go over in the few minutes that we have here. There's accountability. There's, I can tell you're lying, you didn't, this isn't adding up for me, you need somebody who's riding her on this. This is not your job. You can't do it. It'll drain you and she can become an energy vampire and not even realize it because she's so used to this. She's so used to being around energy vampires. It's all she knows. I really feel for them. I really do.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:] Yeah, me too.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:58] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:58] Hi, Jordan. First big thanks to Jen for commenting on my Ig post introducing me to your new show. I'm 24, and just bought a condo. Well within our means with my girlfriend in the Montreal area, I have a mortgage and other deaths occurred when shopping for our first home. Should I pay off the debt or invest our monthly budget surplus? We both make decent salaries and I'm aware that mathematically it makes sense to invest if returns are higher than the interest rate on my debt. Everything is good right now, but what if something unexpected happens? What if one of us loses our job or if life gets in the way, would we be better off with a savings account but high expenses because of all the monthly payments or low monthly expenses in being able to live off of one salary for an extended period? Thanks for the advice, Emotionally Mathematical.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:43] Okay, so if you pay off your debt, that's always really freeing because debt limits our options and what we can do because it's a constant bill. It's a constant drain on our resources. On the other hand, if we don't pay off the debt and we save a lot, well we've got the debt and it might be bearing some interest, but you've got this emergency fund, but if ever anything happens, you've got the bill from the debt and it's going to drain your emergency fund faster. So I would say a mixture of both of these. So pay off the debt that's not low interest. Make sure that the debt you have is of the lowest interest, renegotiate the interest on a lot of the debt in exchange for maybe a lump payment and then lower interest on the balance. You can do that kind of thing by calling credit card companies, banks, things like that and then you can generate and save that emergency fund of a few months.

[00:37:31] Another option is you can save up an emergency fund of say three to six months, and then pay off debt while you keep that fund intact for the best of both worlds. You can also borrow from friends and family, if you have that as an option, if you're able, if you're comfortable, and then you can pay off the debt with that money while investing and saving the rest and then you can pay the friends and family back with the surplus from the savings if they're willing to, if you've got somebody in your life willing to give you a super low or interest free loan, that way you're protected if something happens. I know I realized not everyone has that luxury, but it is a nice option if you can do it, and most people you know would be happy to help you with that if they have the means.

[00:38:11] So this is a great responsible question to have by the way. It sounds like you're just killing it for age 24, if you own your own place and you're worried about should I pay off my debt or save first. Kudos to you for being so ahead of the game and thinking about the future at such a young age. That's really great to see. So kill any super high interest debt like credit card debt, anything that's lower, save up and keep a little fun going and then pay off that debt by renegotiating it and making sure that you've got lower and lower interest and also pick up Ramit Sethi’s book, I Will Teach You to Be Rich. It's not really about making money overnight. It's about things like this. I Will Teach You to Be Rich, we’ll link it in the show notes. I know he takes a lot of guff and flack for that title, but frankly it does talk about should I pay off debt, should I save, how do I do that? What funds do I use? It's really, really practical and tactical and I think he just rereleased it so now it should be available everywhere.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:05] I can't believe how responsible he is at 24. I wish I was that responsible at 24, because then I wouldn't be in such debt now. Good for you man. Good for you, and definitely pick up that book. That book has helped me like pay down my debt and just become more financially stable. It's well worth it. Ramit is awesome.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:21] All right, last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:23] Hello everyone. I'm a classical musician and here's my question. What do I do when someone gives me a surprise double intro to someone important in my field? This recently happened through Facebook messenger. A friend connected me with the music director of a professional chamber ensemble. I really needed the intro. I would really like the opportunity to show this music director my talent. However, I don't want to look like an ingratiating fool who's begging for an audition. I also don't want to ignore this or seem aloof. What can I do to make the most of this awkward intro ,so I can turn it into a solid, new professional connection? Here's some background. Performance, jobs, and gigs are either gain through blind auditions regulated by the union or the old school game of who you know. Many small nonunion groups get players with the ladder method. These circles form out of universities and other professional groups in the city. Since completing grad school and moving back home to my native city where I did my undergrad, it's been difficult to break in. I've just started your Six-Minute Networking Course and hopefully it'll be a big help. I love the new show. You've definitely been making my life better. Keep up the good work. Thanks, How Can This Horn Player Not Blow It?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:30] Okay, so you obviously cannot ignore this intro. You'll make yourself look bad. You'll make the person who introduced you look bad. Why would you ignore an intro that you actually need? I get that. If you gun for an audition and it comes off as tactless, then you make yourself look bad and you make the other person who introduced you look bad as well. So this person is trusting you with their reputation by making this introduction. So what you might want to do is ask them what they suggest. Now, they may be right or wrong on that, but you might say, “Hey, what do you think I should do? I don't want to come across as pushy,” and they might clarify and say, “No, no, no. He actually asked me to introduce him to people that might be good for an audition.” Then you know what your course of action is. So I would ask the person who made the mutual intro for a little clarification there. Then if it's not just, “Oh yeah, he wanted to hire you or see you in an audition.” Suggest an informational interview. This is, “Hey, I'd love to take you out for coffee and hear about how I can help.” And then you find out how you can help them. “Yeah, we're really looking for position.” “Yeah, we're really looking for people to help with this other type of thing, the initiative that we're doing,” or “Yeah, we're looking for this and that.” It doesn't really matter. You want to find out how you can help them. You want to offer value first. It's likely at or after the informational interview, he will actually suggest an audition at some point and will appreciate you not being aggressive about it, and you can even say, “Yeah, I would love to work with you. I would love to know what the process is for auditions, but I also don't want to be that guy who bugs you for one, etc.” You can call out that you're interested, but you're not going to be pushy about it.

[00:42:06] And I really do think asked the friend who made the intro, they can probably put in a good word if they're connected strongly enough to have made the intro in the first place, they might know more about why they made the intro. Look, he made it for a reason. So the reason is probably that this guy asked to be introduced to people like you. So I say go for it and just get that clarification. Go for it. And Six-Minute Networking, this stuff helps a lot. I know I've been bumping it here, but jordanharbinger.com/course is about how you get an handled double opt in intros and what you do and how you handle informational interviews and things like that. So if you're a little bit lost on that one, check out the Six-Minute Networking Course, jordanharbinger.com/course, and it is free and it's for stuff just like this. So congrats on the climb back to the top, by the way.

[00:42:54] All right. Skip in the recommendations because honestly, we didn't get a whole lot of feedback about that. A lot of people liked it, but we didn't really hear from people after that. So we're switching it up. We're going to go to Tank's Good News of the week. My friend, Tank Sinatra, see what he did there on Instagram. He's also got Tank’s Good News and it's basically good news stories, stuff that makes your heart warm a little bit, brings a tear to the eye. And this week, this guy Bryan Ware he founded the Crayon Initiative. So Bryan Ware found out that restaurants, and I didn't know this, they just toss out those crayons that they give it a little kids to use. The kids use them for like five minutes and then they get their chicken nuggets or whatever. They chuck those in the garbage. They don't reuse those a lot of places, which is so wasteful because it just turns into sludge in a landfill that never biodegrades. It's like this plasticky wax. So more than a half million pounds of crayons are just thrown into the trash, usable crayons are thrown into the trash every year, and that's a shame. I have million pounds. What? So the Crayon Initiative, it collects, donated crayons from restaurants, schools and homes from across the country. He melts them down after, I assume sorting them by color and then he re-manufacturers them and he reduces waste doing that. And better yet the recycled crayons are distributed to art programs at children's hospitals across the US, which brightens the lives of young patients during their stay, and he even makes different sizes for disabled kids. So he'll make like giant crayons for kids that have trouble holding crayons instead of those tiny little ones. And you can find out more about the Crayon Initiative and how you can help at thecrayoninitiative.org, and we'll link to that in the show. And you can find more from Tank's Good News by following @tanksgoodnews on Instagram as well.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:37] I love this new segment. I like ending on a happy note because sometimes we don't. This is great.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:41] Yeah, sometimes we get a little heavy duty, so I feel like ending was a little good news. Kind of a nice way to end the week and the segment and the show and the week.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:50] A little bit of sunshine in your podcast inbox.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:53] That's right. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week and don't forget you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. Happy to keep you anonymous of course, and a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Shout out to Tony Levero. He has a highly professional as he says, spicy Latina wife who recommended Tony to the show and he provided some feedback about the other spicy Latina who wrote in and said she was having problems at work and he said, “Look, my wife has worked in places in Latin America. She's worked in the US, you just have to adjust. It's no big deal. You're professional. If someone asked your advice about working in a Russian workplace, you would use your knowledge of Russia to help them adapt. So it's a cultural thing, you just have to adapt and you can't take everything personally,” so he says. And a shout out to American Dream University. This is a charity I work with to help veterans readjust to civilian life, get things moving for them, start or run businesses. So if you're looking for a good charity to support, check them out. Americandream and the letter u.org.

[00:45:57] If you want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage my relationships using systems and tiny habits, check out Six-Minute Networking. I've mentioned it a bunch. Jordanharbinger.com/course. Don't kick it down the road, you can't leverage relationships when you need them. You got to make them beforehand. You got to dig that well before you're thirsty. It takes a few minutes a day. It's not something that's going to take hours. So go and grab that at jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm also on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. And Jason, where can they find you?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:29] My personal websites over at jpd.me and you can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show or your podcast player of choice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:37] All right, this show was co-produced with Jen Harbinger and show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Keep them concise if you can. It does help us get those questions on the air. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

[00:47:01] If you like my show, you might like Rob Has a Podcast on PodcastOne. Rob Cesternino is kicking off the new season of Survivor. Check out the biggest Survivor podcast on the web with the King of reality TV. He’s funny dude as well. Check out Rob Has a Podcast every week on PodcastOne or wherever you get your favorite podcasts.