If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- You and your childhood friend’s relationship has endured many trials. Will it survive the month he’s spending on your couch quoting South Park catch phrases?
- Where’s the line where loving what you do for a living crosses over into obsession?
- How do you make sure your voice doesn’t get drowned out in a group conversation?
- Vocal demonstration: the cork technique.
- How do you move past the old boss defaming you among colleagues in your small industry’s network?
- What’s the best way to handle a friendship with someone who’s become hostile and difficult to be around since receiving bad news?
- How can you get better at striking up first conversations?
- Recommendation of the Week: Dirty Money
- Quick shoutouts to Giuliana in South Africa and Maijid in Ghana!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger, and check out Jason’s (@jpdef) other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. You can also find him on Instagram at JPD.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
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Resources from This Episode:
- The Last in Line by DIO
- You, Me and Dupree
- So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love by Cal Newport
- Dirty Money
Transcript for First Conversations with the Last in Line | Feedback Friday (Episode 17)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] All right. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer, Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with fascinating guests, of course. Our primary purpose though, we pass along their and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of this show is to have conversations directly with you wherever possible and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. We'd take a bunch of your questions, your queries. We dish out some advice. We dish out some bad advice and some good advice. Just so you guys know, not deliberately bad advice, just occasional and you know a lot of it. I feel like, Jason, sometimes on the show, half of what we do is tough love and the person's already answered their question or at least in part answered their question and then the rest of it, I'm always sort of surprised that even I'm often pleasantly surprised at the wisdom that comes out on this show, not just mine. That would be a weird self-serving comment but…
Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:55] I was going to say this. That's kind of arrogant.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:57] I am often surprised at how smart I am, Jason. No, I just wanted this. But I amaze myself someday. But I really am impressed by the amount of combined life experience that you and I have that results in things that to me, and you probably seem obvious, but to somebody who's never been through a certain situation are not.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:17] In what you just mentioned before about people answering their own questions. I think that is something that is kind of fascinating when people talk through these questions, when they send them to us, by the time they get to the end, they kind of understand what their problems are. And so they look to us just kind of for verification and yeah, I like that part because you know, when you write things out, it really does come out in your head and you get to kind of chug through it. So when you have a question for Feedback Friday, start writing it down and see if you can kind of come to your own conclusions, but then send it to us and we'll tell you if you're right or wrong.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:48] Yeah, exactly. According to our honest, salable opinion. Naturally.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:55] Yes. The “opinion-o-meter” is what we'll call it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:57] Please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can send anything else to me, email@example.com. But if you send a question for Feedback Friday to Jordan instead of Friday, it goes to the end of the line.
[00:02:12] Wow. Not a bad falsetto. Not a bad falsetto. So appreciate it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:16] Before we begin, a little unfortunate announcement, we're getting a lot of questions about, “Oh, I'm getting emails from you from Art of Charm.” That's not from me. That is from AJ. His emails are not from me. He uses the last name, harbinger, but that's my last name. It's not his last name. We are not related. It's a branding thing. I'm not sure why that is still continuing. I'm going to leave it at that. I'll let you draw your own conclusion from that. But those emails that you're getting from The Art of Charm are not from me, I have nothing to do with the company at all anymore. So if there's confusion about why you're getting emails from me, that's not from me, that's from somebody else who is a using my last name. As always we've got some fun ones and occasional doozies, so I can't wait to dive in. All right. What's the first thing out of this mailbag?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:06] Hey, Jordan and Jason. Here's my situation. I've been lifelong friends with a guy who I've grown apart from. Growing up, we were inseparable and spent most of our free time together at some point through high school and into college, we began growing apart. I became very ambitious and interested in pushing outside of my comfort zone and living a kick ass life with kick ass women, but he stagnated, a wedge further divided us when towards the end of college he met a woman who was and still is manipulative and controlling. I struggled with what to do and ultimately decided to tell him my true feelings about their relationship. --Oh, that's unfortunate. Yeah. Generally. -- He's shut me down and stubbornly refused to hear me. I warned him that if they kept dating, she would pressure him into marrying her, provide for her as a stay at home wife and eventually ensure that she got pregnant to lock in his support for her and her child's life. We remain distant friends because our families are close and I accepted that my best friend was lost. I watched helplessly as one by one, each of my predictions came true. They've been married for two years and now have a child. Recently he got a job in Chicago where I live and has to relocate from our native Detroit area. -- Shout out to Plymouth, Michigan. Go blue. --
[00:04:28] It's a good job at a large financial firm and has the opportunity to be life changing for his family, bringing them out of poverty. He had to start immediately within days of being offered the job and asked if it was okay to stay in the very small guest room of me and my girlfriend's apartment for a month.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:45] Wow. Whole month! Okay. Alright. Alright. If you're that close, it's cool.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:51] I emphasized for a month because he put it in all caps. Yeah. So it's a long time. I agreed and it worked out with my girlfriend because he's practically family. He's here now and he's been wanting to spend more and more time with me, but to be honest, he's both uncomfortably awkward and a social liability. My girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable with him spending all his time at our apartment. He doesn't go out and make friends on his own and when he's around, he's either asking for my feedback on his relationship or quoting South Park to me. It's weird.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:22] Yeah, that sounds weird and annoying actually. Yeah.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:27] I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. I'd like to be honest with him when he asks about his relationship or why it seems like my girlfriend doesn't want to be around him or why I'm always taking him out, but I know the answers will be things that he doesn't want to hear or hurtfully true. So do I wash my hands of him after this? Do I cut off my support if he asks to stay longer? If he gets really uncomfortable, should I ask him to leave even though I agreed he could stay? Is there any possibility of me getting my friend back at all? Thanks so much. Over Accommodating in Chicago.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:58] Oh, man! This is a bummer because we kind of all have a guy or a girl like this in our lives at some point. Not necessarily right now, but, so he's made his mistakes. He's made his bed and now he's sleeping in it. And I would be as honest as possible without making him feel unwelcomed because you don't want to make him feel unwelcome if he's not unwelcome. And I guess to a certain extent he is, but I would leave your girlfriend out of it. You got to make it about your feelings, not her feelings. And it's going to be really tempting to be like, “Look man, we're cool. But you know Julia, she just like uncomfortable with you”, because then he's going to never forgive her because he's going to be sort of mad at you but he can't be mad at you because you guys are tight and he's never going to forgive her.
[00:06:38] And it's not her fault because she has a right, she has a right to feel this way. He might get mad at you and he'll probably forgive, but don't let him blame her. So yes, kind of take the bullet on this one. He can't blame it on her. Yeah, definitely. And if he asked to stay longer, you can say that it's putting some strain on your relationship with your girlfriend and again, you've got to make it about your feelings, not hers. This is not her fault. She's actually quite a saint for letting this random guys stay in her home. Because remember she probably cares more about how clean your house is. She might even be keeping it clean. She's probably cleaning up a little bit after this guy and yeah, I'm stereotyping a little bit here, but so sue me. And also there's a safety concern.
[00:07:17] She doesn't know this guy. You're gone and she's there alone with him like, I don't know how comfortable that is. It's her house and if it gets bad, look, you can help him find another place to stay. Is it really that bad? Yeah. I wouldn't even worry about trying to get your friend back at all. You've grown a ton. He's probably, from the sound of it, been the same guy since he got married to this controlling lady and got locked down with a kid. So you can help him change only if he wants to. Otherwise, no, just get through this situation. Help him see the light if possible otherwise move on with your life. It's really tempting to think we have to rescue people that we've known for a long time. But the truth is that people grow apart, friends and family alike, and there's just not much that we can or should do about this, especially if it's just, you know, we got to let history and nostalgia, you know, that type of thing.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:08] I think it's kind of the sunk cost fallacy when it comes to friendships with that.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:13] Totally. Yeah, totally. And if he comes to you for help, that's one thing. If he seems receptive, great. If not, move on and worry about your relationship with your girlfriend and prioritize her relationship with you over this one. I know that's hard to say. I know people are going to be like. “You said, ditch your old friends.” I'm not saying that at all. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you have a relationship in your life that is the real deal that's going to result in you having children and getting married. And if this guy and you have grown apart, it's okay that you don't get along the way that you did when you were kids. It's fine. It's a fact of life, but you can't let it…you can't let this become You, Me and Dupree. Did you ever see that movie, Jason?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:57] No. I remember the trailers, but yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:00] Yeah. It's something like, I'll spare you, something like, Owen Wilson comes and lives on this guy's couch for a long time and I think he like lights the house on fire. I mean, it's what you would expect if Owen Wilson came and slept on your couch and he wasn't a famous, funny actor, but was actually just a -- well, I'm not going to finish that sentence.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:19] Yeah, he's just a loser. Yeah, I'll finish it for you. If a loser came to your house. But here's the deal, over accommodating. You have an awesome girlfriend who is willing to put up with this for you. So definitely prioritize her over him.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:31] Exactly. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:34] Hi guys. After New Year's Eve, I realized I might have a problem. I do something most of my friends and family think is strange. I really, really, really enjoy working and I'm finding it harder to be present outside of work even when I'm doing something with friends that I truly enjoy. I'm 35 years old and I've been an entrepreneur all my life. I identify with being a hard worker, a life learner, and enjoy the fact that colleagues consider me talented in technical skills that most people consider challenging. I've run a successful creative business for 17 years. I purchased another business two years ago and regularly dive into new ventures when they excite me. I have a supportive family, but after an hour laughing around the dinner table, I'm ready to get back to my laptop. I can enjoy a movie, but can't wait to go answer my email.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:25] I'm not going to hate, I'm the exact same way. Maybe not with email, but yeah.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:29] I worry my daughter is starting to pick up on this habit as she can get easily absorbed in her own kid tech and often makes nonchalant references to the fact that she knows that I will be doing work when someone mentions an upcoming outing. It's like my fun meter doesn't know which mode to turn on. Like seriously, who sits around the bonfire on New year's Eve and envisions a new marketing piece. -- You know, you're in good company. You’d be surprised. Yeah, you're in good company. -- My friends and family often do the, “Hello? Is anyone there?” Because I can tune out whole conversations when I'm in the zone. Where's the line where loving what you do crosses over into obsession? I love my family, but I love my work. Do those things have to be mutually exclusive? Am I wrong that I don't feel bad about always wanting to be working or am I simply embodying the mantra -- Love what you do and you won't work a day in your life. -- I guess I just don't want to be that one person on their death bed who says, “I regret that I didn't work enough.” Thank you for your thoughts. Signed, In The Zone, Zelda. Well, Zelda, welcome to the team.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:33] Yeah, this is totally me. You're a workaholic. Congratulations. Yeah, it's fine until it messes with family relationships. So I totally get this. You're going to be super successful because of this work ethic. There's almost, you would have to sabotage yourself in so many other ways. The problem though is that your daughter sounds like she might be resenting it a little bit, especially because it sounds like she's being passive aggressive with you about not being able to do outings because you're working.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:04] That’s what I got from that too. Definitely.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:07] Yeah. I mean, kids don't say that when they're like, “Oh, I don't really mind.”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:08] Yeah. “Oh, mommy's going to be working when we want to go to the zoo”, you know?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:12] Yeah, yeah, exactly. So you need to schedule a time to be with her and focus so that she doesn't resent you later on. You just don't want to have that problem. And everyone else who isn't close family, they can go fly a kite, do you? As long as your family's happy and as long as you are happy, I don't see the harm. You've got big dreams, you got big plans, go do them. The work ethic is what separates you from the people who dream but never do. But I would say that now that you've got kids and they're starting to say – “Mommy's never home now, mommy's never around. Mommy's never present.”-- That's going to be something that you will regret later.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:49] Yeah. I mean as far as family goes, yeah, you can tune out and think about your business, but when it comes to the kids, they need to take priority. So you definitely need to put that as you know, job number one because down the line you don't want to be a bad mom just because you want to check your email.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:07] Yeah. And look, my plan, I don't even have kids yet, I'm just going to have him learn how to edit audio, you know? Then we can hang out all the time.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:18] Oh, just don't teach him to be a producer. Then I'm out of a job.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:21] Yeah, like, “All right, Little Jordy, read this book and create a summary for daddy.”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:27] Oh, a slave driver.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:28] Remember how I like my show notes formatted. Go ahead and check the Feedback Friday inbox. All right, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:37] Hey there. I'm 19, and I'm a consistent listener of the show and it's helped me in a lot of different areas. However, this being a more men-based show, there are a few areas where the tactics that you teach don't necessarily work for me as a woman. When it comes to being more charismatic and having an alpha-based vibe, I know vocal tonality plays a big part. Unfortunately, when I'm in a group of men, my voice tends to get drowned out. It's hard for me when I have to restart my sentence a few times. Not to mention it's a little discouraging to even continue talking at that point. Do you have any effective advice that doesn't just include asking people not to talk over me. Thanks, Not a Wallflower.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:17] So, I hate to say it, but welcome to the world of being a woman in a man's world a lot of the time. I feel like we get this letter a lot. And the fact is she's 19. This gal, so she is ahead of her time and I feel like we get it from people 10 years older and they're like, “I'm sick of this shit.” You know? Yeah. So it's great. Here's a trick that I use. I'm not quiet, but this is what I use when I do live interviews, when I have to talk around people that are louder, that are just trying to dominate a conversation, I use a lot of nonverbal signals. So I'll put my hand out with my fingers open. Because if you keep your fingers closed, it looks a little more aggressive to keep the fingers open, put your hand out in front of you and that will pause a lot of what people are doing.
[00:15:04] Because it will grab the attention of people standing in a circle or someone standing in front of you, that'll pause a conversation. It'll get people's attention. Don't try to be louder or talk over people. That's a losing battle for you. And it comes across as try hard if you're a man or a woman. So don't try to be alpha, guys will resent it. We resent it from guys too, we're going to resent it from anybody. And you're young enough where people are probably already going to be thinking, why are you trying to get attention in my grownup conversation? So don't try to out alpha a bunch of dudes, especially guys your age are just not going to react well to that.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:38] Quick question, when you do the hands out with the fingers spread, where should your concentration be kind of pinpointed when you do the hand gesture?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:46] Yeah. Look at the person who's talking. The other option, because generally that's going to be the person who's attention you're trying to get, to try to get them to stop talking. The other way to do it could be if someone else is finally talking and the person and the other person who’s dominating the conversation has stopped talking, you can just do it to the person who's currently talking and then they'll stop as well and they'll give you a turn. But usually there's one person who's just not letting go of control of the conversation and that's irritating with no matter what. So that's what I would do. I would look at the person right in their eye and hold the hand up just below eye level. You don't have to put it in their face, but make sure they can see it and just have that handout.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:28] Palm up or palm down?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:31] Palm down. So face it, palm facing them, fingers open. Like you're saying five minutes, but you don't have to have your hand at a 90 degree angle. You can put it out. So yeah, so palm down, fingers open. Yeah, there we go. Good. You're going to have to fight harder for attention. That's just the way it is. If you're a woman and you want to be one of the guys, you're going to have to get used to this and you will get used to this and no time, especially if you're working in a field where there's like all men, like some engineering or something like that. Is it fair? No. That's how it goes right now. And hopefully one day that'll change and you'll work with people who are listening for your opinion, but you're young and that's always going to be something you're going to have to fight for as long as you're 10 years younger than everybody else in your circle.
[00:17:15] This episode also sponsored by SmartMouth. Horrors, the horrors of bad breath, always disgusting. I don't want to be one of those people who's like, “I use mouthwash every five minutes” because, you know, that's bad for you. You can get all kinds of creepy stuff going in your mouth or you can get more horrors in your mouth if you overuse it. But I'll tell you that the way to not overuse it is to use one that lasts for 12 hours. And the only one of those that I know is SmartMouth, and this is something that is a staple of my speaker gig bag. So I've got like my speaker gig close, my jacket that has a little pocket for the microphone thing. But I also have SmartMouth in the bag and in the inside pocket so that when I go to the restroom before my talk and I realize I smell like I just ate a delicious Greek pita sandwich for lunch
[00:18:03] and I'm going to be in a conference. I don't want to deal with that. So I take the SmartMouth in the travel pack, because you can't bring the big bottle. I mean it's just inconvenient and it's got these two chambers because it's got these two compounds in it. One of which of course is the oral rinse that, you know, minty eliminates the bad breath. The other one doesn't allow bacteria to make its volatile sulfur compounds for 12 hours. And that's what causes the bad breath. So I highly recommend this stuff. We have sent… So we have singlehandedly probably doubled the business of this freaking product. I mean we believe so. I know. I mean I'm thinking, you know, you guys need to start paying attention here, over there, over there at SmartMouth and keeps sending us these travel packs because we live on these things.
[00:18:48] If you want to solve a problem, get some SmartMouth. Don't just cover it up with the minty stuff. Nobody wants to be that guy or gal with bad breath. Find SmartMouth at Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Target -- by the way, I said Tar-jay somebody messaged me on Twitter, “Oh my God. You also say Tarjay dude, this is not a new thing, right?” You say Tarjay.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:06] Everybody that grew up in the suburbs calls it Tarjay, come on.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:10] If you had French 20 years, you had French in high school. You didn't make that up. Sorry man. Because I thought I made that up. Dude, no, no, you did not make it up. Amazon has it, wherever you shop. Or you can go to SmartMouth.com to get an in-depth analysis of how it works. And again, huge fans of this stuff, I keep a bottle in every bathroom and you know, I recommend buying a bottle for your guest room because there's just something about having house guests.
[00:19:35] People don't want to brush their teeth in the morning and I know that because they don't brush their teeth at home in the morning and they're like, screw it and they don't think about it, and then they come upstairs and you're like, Hey, how about some SmartMouth? It's like dropping a hint. Here you go, give it a shot. This episode is also sponsored by Organifi. I know that they're not going to love this, but the fact that Organifi ends in an “I” reminds me of that, I can't remember, is it like a Chris Rock joke where he's like strippers’ names all end in “i”.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:06] Candi, Brandi, Sandi.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:08] Yeah, Organifi. But Organifi, the stripper that makes you healthier. It's an organic super --- we're definitely going to get a letter about this, but hey, it's an organic superfood supplement line. Lot of cool nutrition stuff there. They have this green juice that's sort of what they're known for. This popular product. This green juice solves the problem of juicing greens on the go. I make a lot of smoothies at home. Smoothie might not be the right word for something that's mostly spinach, but you know what I'm saying? You can add these little packets that fit in your tiny little key pocket of Organifi. You can add it to water, let your body soak up those benefits and they've got the Red Juice too. I know you love the Red Juice, Jason, you're a Red Juice guy.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:47] So here's the deal, in the morning I'll do my Green Juice just to get my vegetables so I can take my vitamins in the morning and feel like, you know, good. But for lunch I have the Red Juice because the Red Juice is kind of like dessert in a bottle and it's got all these different berries. It's got the pomegranate, cranberry, blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, and it's even got the, you know, the mushrooms, the reishi and cordyceps mushrooms. And I feel really good after lunch when I have the Red Juice. So I start my day with the Green Juice. I do my lunch with the Red Juice and I feel great after I drink this stuff and it tastes good. That's the one thing. I hate these powders for most of these companies and they just don't do anything, but the Organifi stuff is really good and it dissolves really well in water.
[00:21:33] Or if you're a coconut water kind of person, I'm not, but I like regular water and some Organifi and it really does kind of get me through the day without having to go, I'm like, “Oh, I don't want to go to lunch. I don't want to have to go to Chipotle like Jordan and get a burrito bowl and fart all day. I just want me some Organifi.” That's all. And it just makes my day better.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:55] Yeah. You can skip the E.Coli by just getting the Organifi. E.Coli-free formula of Organifi Red Juice. Also visit organifi.com, O R G A N I F I.com. Use the discount code, harbinger, at checkout to receive 20% off your order. HostGator, been with us for awhile. There's a reason for that. WordPress can be complicated and when it's not, you're like, “Oh, I'm good on WordPress.” And then two weeks later it's like, “Oh hey.” Every WordPress website in the entire internet that doesn't update is now vulnerable to this hack stuff. Oh, and when you update it, it's going to break everything. That's kind of the story with websites in general and we get it. You need a great website. You don't want to spend a ton of cash. You don't want a full time I.T. guy or gal. That's why we recommend HostGator's website builder. Kind of a set-it-and-forget-it. Set up professional looking feature packed website, no coding.
[00:22:46] They'll update everything for you. They'll handle the security. There's hundreds of templates that work on phones, tablets, et cetera. You don't have to worry about whether it's going to look like crap on a phone because you set it up on your laptop. You can also throw in things like SEO, plugins, shopping carts, PayPal donation buttons. There's all kinds of pre-built sections and pages which you can customize from fonts, images, all that stuff for your site. Most people think that those pre-made website builders are going to look generic, but they don't have to. You can really customize the crap out of it and make it look the way that you want and you can have your new website completed in a matter of hours like we're talking about a Saturday afternoon and that's including learning how everything freaking works and signing up for HostGator and they've got great customer support, 24/7 365 and that's what's really important. They're going to make sure you actually get this thing handled and HostGator gives us 62% off their new packages for new users to go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up, that's hostgator.com/Jordan, and I think their cheapest plan is like $2.65 something thereabouts, so there's no excuses. Go to hostgator.com/jordan and get her done. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:57] Jason and Jordan, congratulations on the new show. I hope that one day the folks at the other show realize what they lost. I tried to listen to the show after your “departure” and it just isn't the same. – Unsubscribe -- One of your previous shows, it was a Minisode Monday on that other podcast, you described some excellent vocal techniques. Can you be more specific about the cork technique? This is where you practice speaking with a cork held in your teeth. Perhaps an on-air demonstration and exact description would help so we can hear what the exercise sounds like in practice. I've been trying it a bit, but I want to make sure I'm not doing any jaw damage as it is quite the workout to speak with a cork held in one's front teeth. Yes, it is. For those of us who cannot afford a vocal coach, this would be very helpful. Thanks again for all that you do. Signed, Putting a Cork in it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:46] Oh, that's funny. Yeah. I thought he was going to say for those of us that can't afford a bottle of wine.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:52] Oh, why? Yeah. Definitely. This is how you do it? You talk like this for a bit. Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:57] Yeah. Yeah. This is real easy. Get a cork. Generally one of the bigger ones like a champagne cork.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:04] Mine is from Corbell, by the way.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:05] Mine. I use Francis Ford Coppola Winery because this cork is huge. I don't know what the deal is with this thing. Somebody, Darcy, my vocal coach mailed it.
Jason DeFillippo : [00:25:13] It's probably a Sofie. Sofia Coppola is probably that one because yes, I know her champagne well. I enjoy it all the time. But here's the deal. You do it the short end, not tall ways. You don't put the entire cork from top to bottom in your mouth because that would be really hard. You have to have your mouth open really wide. You take the end of the core can put it in your mouth because I can see where somebody could be confused by trying to put it long ways and it's like almost two inches of cork and opening your mouth and trying to talk. No, it's about the inch side.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:44] Sorry I dropped my cork.
Jason DeFillippo : [00:25:45] You’ve been drinking that champagne to get the cork, right?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:52] That's right. That's right. Yeah. You got make sure you put the cork in like you're smoking a short little cigar. Not the other way. If you want a referral to our vocal coach, just email firstname.lastname@example.org I'll happily refer you to Darcy. But yeah, you put the cork in your mouth and read a paragraph and you do this on a monopiece. So you do the super exaggerated read of whatever it is. So I think he said perhaps an on-air demonstration and exact description would help. So you'd put the cork in your mouth and you would say for have an on-air demonstration and exact [inaudible][00:26:26] and you really have to sort of lean in to each word, each pronunciation and go through a whole paragraph.
[00:26:35] Don't read the whole page, there's no need to do that. Just do a paragraph. This'll warm you up in seconds. It's not a full warm-up by any stretch, but it will help you become more dynamic in the way that you speak. Because when you first start talking, you know you're talking like this, you're of not really moving your mouth around. It kind of feels like you are. And then you do the cork and it's like, I've been trying this cork thing and man is it great because it stretches out your jaw. You're fighting against the cork. Remember you're not just reading something out loud with the cork, you're exaggerating all of the words in a ridiculous way that you would never actually do so once you take the cork out, you're much more dynamic in the way that you speak. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:16] Hi Jordan and Jason. I'm so glad I found your new podcast. I was really missing hearing you guys every week. Thanks for starting up Feedback Friday. The other similarly named episodes on the show that shall not be mentioned were my favorite. --Nice. -- I work in a pretty small industry in Melbourne, Australia and I'm very new to the industry where opportunities are often based on referrals and word of mouth. I joined a direct sales company about 14 months ago, but recently had my contract terminated because I questioned the ethics of some business practices of the owner of the company. They've threatened me with an unfounded and unenforceable defamation lawsuit, but the real problem is that they are putting up Facebook posts referring to their claims. Although they don't mention me by name. I've been told that they’re privately telling people that I defamed them and it's obviously making it difficult for me to get opportunities in my field, although there's no way to prove that they're doing it.
[00:28:11] I've been directly asked by a couple of people that I respect for my version of events and when I tell them what actually happened, they can't believe how much it's all been twisted by my old boss. I'm not sure what to do. I know that I need to increase my network and I need to make sure that I don't stoop to their level, but they're really well connected and I feel like I'm being blocked at every turn. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Insert Funny Name Here. P.S. Are you guys going to implement something like the social capital program? Because I feel like it's the kind of thing that I really need but based on the hints you guys have dropped, I don't want to support the “other show”.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:48] Yeah. Okay. So yes we all address that first. We are going to be doing something along the lines of networking and relationship development. We have all new content. It's going to be great. It's going to be an event-based thing so there's going to be a lot there for you if you want to learn how to develop relationships. We've got entirely new instructors, entirely new teachers and entirely new content. That is much better than, in my opinion, what we had before because it's evolved which is great. Now as far as your problem here, you got to find mentors and you've got to find champions. I don't like the word mentors because it sounds very internet market-y. It's been co-opted by a lot of sort of shady people that you need to find champions in your industry. Go to them for advise, don't bad mouth your old boss. Actually get advice from these folks and you can ask them what to do.
[00:29:35] You can say, this is the situation I find myself in. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. Just like you've asked us, let them draw their own conclusions about what happened. Once they get to know you, they'll trust you, they'll fight for you. They also probably know that this person is dirty and fighting dirty. They're just not saying anything because they know how to play the role in this position. So your old boss might be well-connected, but that means that their reputation has traveled as well. You can be well connected too. You just don't have to be connected from the top down, if that makes sense. So do great work and you'll stand out. You'll develop a great reputation as well, which will then speak for itself. This person's going to slip up again and has probably done some shady stuff in the past as well, and that will also catch up with them too.
[00:30:21] So meanwhile, your champions, we're going to help you cut through this and get work and grow and learn. The only thing you can really do now is be so good that they can't ignore you while having your champions fight for you. And really you don't need a lot of champions in one particular industry. You just need a couple that people trust and people will gamble on you and I think that's fair. Again, anybody who really is unethical and also has done some shady stuff, people know about it or they highly suspect it and when you start to ask for advice confirming their suspicions, that's something that's going to travel and you're not going to have to worry about it for very long. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:02] Hello. I'm in somewhat of a predicament. I have a friend who is going through a difficult time and for the most part, I've tried to be a supportive friend, but there's one problem -- I can't stand him anymore. He was already combative and insecure, but now that he's enduring a hardship, he's become nearly unbearable. He angers very easily and he does his best to be right in every possible situation. He overreacts over everything and he actively attempts to make other people feel stupid when they pose different opinions. It's come to the point where I'm embarrassed to be seen with him due to how much he annoys other people. I know this because I've heard others vocalize their distaste for him, so I'm taking steps to distance myself. He knows this and though we haven't had a conversation, I'm sure if I brought it up, he would explode and deny any wrongdoings on his part. I'm still consciously moving away from him. I feel somewhat guilty over this seeing as how he's going through a rough time with a cancer diagnosis in the family, but I feel that he's going to drag me down if he doesn't majorly change his attitude. I've known him for a year and a half, so this is not a young relationship. -- Year and a half. What do you think, Jordan?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:09] Yeah, that seems like a pretty young relationship.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:11] Yeah. Kind of fresh personally. -- Is it normal to feel little obligation towards him? Should I do my best to help him or would it be better to gain space and assist him from afar so to speak? I probably know the answer deep down, but my patience is wearing thin and my resentment towards his hostile behavior is making it hard to think clearly about the situation. Sincerely, Friend Till Probably Not the End.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:34] So my opinion on this, honestly, one that is a young relationship, a year and a half, makes think maybe these are young folks, but people deal with grief in weird ways and it can amplify negative personality traits in people. It sounds to me like he's asserting control where he can because he probably feels the rest of his life is out of control, so have the tough conversation with him. Look, he's probably going to get mad and then just call him later. Once he cools down, he may get mad again. Then you can let them know you're trying to help and you can set boundaries. You've got to set boundaries here. You don't owe it to him to let him abuse you and abuse those around you and be a jerk to your friends. You just, you don't. You owe it to yourself to set boundaries for this and then stick to those boundaries.
[00:33:20] Just because somebody handles grief in a way that's unhealthy, doesn't mean you should allow them to spread those unhealthy attitudes, habits, whatever, to you and your circle as well. That emotional contagion is very negative. If you're willing to let everybody's emotional stuff infect you and your circle, you think about this, you're choosing this person's negativity over the health and emotional well-being of you and all your friends. That's not really fair. This guy needs therapy. He might resist it, but he certainly needs it. So what you can do here is offer to help him figure out how to get it. He'll say he's going to decline and probably, but that's fine. Absolutely. You know, but then check in on him by phone. You don't have to hang around someone like this in person. It’s just too much. You're not responsible for him. You're not responsible. Help him to see a therapist if he wants it, which he might not, set the boundaries and stick to them. Check in on them by phone if you feel guilty about it, but really having someone around you like this all the time, you're not doing them a favor either. They're miserable no matter what. They can be miserable without making those around them miserable too.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:28] I have a theory on this and it's something that I've actually experienced. It's this person might be just kind of hen-pecked and beaten down at home. So everything they always say is wrong. So when they're out with their friends, they try and assert their rightness all the time. And I've lived with people who have done this to me, everything I say is like, “No, you're wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong.” So every time they go out, they try and assert the fact that no, I'm actually right most of the time, but the person that I'm with is telling me I'm wrong. So it's kind of an over compensation for what they have at home. I think if you look at the situation with those eyes, you might have a little more empathy towards what's happening to them and be able to just kind of step back and go, “Oh, they're just not being a jerk. It's their current situation makes them this way.” So you can kind of have more feeling towards them and try and figure out what the problem is. And it's not that they're just, you know, an asshole all the time. It's they're overcompensating for what they have in their home situation and then maybe you can kind of find middle ground and get that person back to like of kind of a normal state without having to dump them as a friend. You see what I'm saying?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:42] Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. It does make sense that maybe he's just acting out based on what's happening at home, so maybe there's somebody at home that's reacting to the cancer in this way, do the family member and then he's just taking that stuff and sort of spreading it around town and you just, you owe it to yourself to set boundaries. You've got to protect your mind from stuff like this or it's going to drive you crazy and it's going to drive you down and then you're not doing anybody any favors at all. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:07] Hey Jordan. I'm a 30-year-old professional accountant. My issue is not that I'm an introvert, it's just that I'm terrible at striking up that initial conversation to create a connection. Once I've made that first connection, things typically work out pretty well and I believe I’m generally seen as a fun person to be around and to talk to. In my field, there's a decent amount of personal marketing, but I always find it difficult to take the lead in conversations as my main interest is politics, which is definitely not a good jumping off point, especially with clients. Do you have any advice on how to initiate conversations at networking events or even just social events in general and what kinds of things to talk about? Thanks, Conversationally Challenged.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:49] All right, so this kind of goes to some of the earlier conference prep stuff that I talked about where you look people up on social media, you figure out some common interests and things like that. Definitely steer clear of politics. It's really easy to find out what people are interested in looking at social media, finding out hobbies, but you can also ask if people have anything going for the weekend. That usually indicates hobbies, family status and things like that. It's usually not too personal, especially in the United States to ask questions about that. Maybe it's different in other places, but it's really, really simple question here to ask what's going on in the weekend. It'll give you a good indicator. You can make some small talk around it, ask people questions about things not related to work. I know that sounds maybe a little simple, but if you can ask for some sort of advice, people will love you.
[00:37:35] This is the Ben Franklin Effect we've talked about here on the show before. So maybe you ask a client if they're married and for how long, and then you ask them how they knew they were ready to get married because you're wondering about that yourself or you're wondering, “Hey, how did you know when you were ready to have kids?” People love talking about this stuff. This works especially well with people older than you with whom you might not have as much in common. So if you find out that their hobbies are things that are just totally outside your area of interest, you can ask them for wisdom instead. And yet this will lead to a deeper conversation that's interesting to everybody. And I like those kinds of conversations the best because they don't end when someone's like, “Yeah, just doing a lot of errands.” Awkward silence, awkward silence, right? You can really get into something substantive that people don't talk about all the time. All right. Recommendation of the week, man. Dirty Money on Netflix. Super interesting. Have you seen this, Jason?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:26] I've only seen the one about Trump. I haven't seen the rest of them though.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:29] There's a bunch. There's the Volkswagen scandal. This is sort of a series of a few parts. There's the Volkswagen scandal, the emission scandal, so they go and they sort of disassemble that and they show all of the investigations and the parts that led through it. It's really, really interesting. My personal favorite was there's a payday loan takedown where these guys ran this huge payday loan company and they show how the business works and these guys were facing a life sentence. It was just insane. The amount of money they made was bananas, Dirty Money on Netflix. There is that. There's the payday loan, take down the Volkswagen scandal, the Trump one, and then something about shorting. There's this gal, she shorts pharmaceutical companies, and the special is really about this company, Valeant pharmaceuticals, and I won't spoil it for you, but man, this sort of inside look at really corruption and greed is a fascinating case study on the human condition -- to overuse that cliche.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:28] I will definitely check it out. I'm just kind of in the middle of Jessica Jones Season Two. So once that's done, I'll definitely check out Dirty Money, right? Jessica Jones trumps all.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:37] All right, fair enough. I haven't seen that. And I know you're going to be like what? But you know me. If it is not a nerdy documentary, I am not interested. Alright. I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week and don't forget, you can email us email@example.com. That's firstname.lastname@example.org, if you have an older contact for me somewhere else, delete that. You'd get your questions answered on the air. We're happy to keep you anonymous of course. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at JordanHarbinger.com/podcast. quick shout out to Giuliana in South Africa and Maijid in Ghana and just had a birthday. He's waiting for his US visa and helping us out with some podcast tech behind the scenes. Thank you and happy birthday, Maijid. I'm on Instagram and Twitter, @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. I'm no longer @theArtofCharm on Twitter or any other social media, as you all probably know. And Jason, you're on social media as well. Yeah.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:29] I'm on Instagram @JPD and I'm on Twitter @JPDef, JPDef and you can check out my other podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:38] Don't forget if this is your first episode, subscribe so you don't miss any episodes. You can also leave us a nice little review in iTunes that'll help us stand out from the crowd. You can go to JordanHarbinger.com/subscribe and it will show you the fool-proof way and how to do that. So keep sending in those questions to email@example.com. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipeline and we're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time.
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