38: The Benefits of Traveling the World Alone | Feedback Friday

Transcript for The Benefits of Traveling the World Alone | Feedback Friday (Episode 38)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. And I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And this week we had Duana Welch talking about the mechanics of jealousy, why we evolved it, how it shows up in our relationships and how we should control it unless we want it to control us. And David Burkus who talked about the power of becoming a super connector, networking and a little couple of hacks here and there on how him and I both maintain and grow our large networks of friends and business allies. Of course, though our primary mission is to pass along our guests and our experiences and our insights directly to you. So in other words, the real purpose of this show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on feedback Friday. You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com. And as always we've got some fun ones and some doozies. Can't wait to dive in on this. What's the first thing out of the mailbag, Jay?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:55] Dear Jordan and Jason, I've been an avid fan of you both since 2016. It’s cool to see you go out on your own and I'm looking forward to watching the new show succeed. I'm 25, and from the Midwest for the past couple of years I've been working for Oracle and software sales in Austin, Texas. After deciding it wasn't for me, an opportunity opened up at my father's business back in Ohio selling commercial insurance, which I'm excited to explore. At the moment, I don't see myself as the successor to him, but as an opportunity to grow my sales skills, work with my father, and build our relationship. Eventually, I'd like to pivot into my passions as I don't want to be in sales forever. My dad is supportive and will stand behind me on whatever I do, just as long as I give it my best.

[00:01:39] One of my problems is that I struggle with patience. It's one thing which I need more of. Any tips, books, videos, or research on how to get more of it? It's one of my biggest flaws. It used to get the best of me and sometimes even hurt my ability to build solid relationships. I've worked on it some, but it still comes out when other people try and coordinate events. And do you have any tips to help with the grass is always greener mentality? Ever since college I found myself to be very curious about all the professions and avenues life can take. Since I haven't yet found a career where I see myself long-term, it's been easy for me to get distracted with all the avenues my life can go. That attitude results in me questioning where I am currently and losing focus. I'm not sure if I'll feel this way when I start working under my father. I don't want this to be a distraction when I start my new job, I want to give my commitment, but at the same time I'm still searching for my passion. And PS is micro noted when you had him on the other show? Passion is created. Now, this is something I can understand. So any advice is appreciated. Signed, trying to water the grass under my feet and patiently watch it grow.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:50] So my advice on this is this is very normal for age 25, you know the grass is always greener stuff, trying to get everything all at once, trying to figure out what you want, who are this is all very, very normal for 25. The patience thing, that's an ego thing, which I also really understand because I also want everything all at once. And I want everything to be a certain way and I want to figure everything out all at once. I would say in your case, in this scenario, pause and think of things from other people's perspectives and be thankful that you get to use your self-described gift for organizing things for the good of other people. So working with your parents, working with these different businesses, take each of these individual skill sets and focus on those. There's a little bit of mindfulness in here that I think will help. I know it's a little woo, but if you work on this, knowing this is a step integrator evolution of your career and who you are and what you want, that's going to help make sense out of all of this. And the grass is always greener, because you're not sure where you want to land, which is like I said, normally at your age. You're supposed to explore things. You're supposed to say, “Oh, there's another opportunity over here, there's another opportunity over there.” It doesn't necessarily mean those opportunities are better, but it sounds like you want to explore a lot of different opportunities, which is one of the reasons why the grass always seems greener. Maybe not even greener, it's just green there and green over there and green over there, which is a really normal thing to have in your 20s, really normal outlook to have in your 20s. You're supposed to explore things.

[00:04:14] Carefully note though, over time whenever you switch, the grass is exactly the same shade of green, so this will help you stop going, “Oh, but this other opportunity might be better.” It's really just a different opportunity. It's not necessarily better or worse, most of the time. It's just a same shade of green, just look looks different because it's a Mirage. So to beat that metaphor to death, you're going to find plenty of opportunity. All of its probably equally valuable, especially at your age. And you're right, Mike Rowe said, “You bring your passion with you”, and what he means in part by that is you can focus now on what I call building bricks and skill stacking. So the building bricks is say you’re learning organization. Cool, there's a brick. It doesn't matter if you're learning it at a movie theater while you prize sticky gummy bears off the screen or the floor, you're learning leadership, you're learning organization.

[00:05:06] If you're learning another language, but you're doing it because you're cleaning floors in a youth hostel in Romania, it doesn't matter. The brick you're building is the Romanian language, foreign culture understanding. Then you can skill stack these, right? Okay, I've got an organizational skill set, a leadership skill set, a management skillset, a Spanish skillset. I'm used to managing for an employees using Skype. I got that skill set. These little bricks are a way that you can look at a current opportunity that you don't love and say, “All right, what I'm getting out of this are these one, two, or three discrete skillsets, these bricks that I will then bring to me to the next thing.” Not, “Oh, I'm wasting a bunch of time working this dumb movie theater job. I can't wait till I get a real job.” Focus on what you can get from each of those situations, including working with your parents, your father, including working with all these different opportunities. And you'll find that there's something to be gained from every opportunity and that sometimes those gains are what you're looking for, not just the perfect follow your passion type of career path. All right, hope that helps. What's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:09] Hey Jordan, Jason, Jen, and the whole Jordan Harbinger team. I have a meeting coming up with a person who I consider to be a valuable network connection. I've already used some of the extremely helpful tips that I've learned from being a listener. Now that the meeting is officially scheduled, what tips can you share on what to say during the actual conversation? I'm already doing the obvious things such as looking up some interests we may have in common, being ready to share some of my experience and my story offering to help him in any way that I can and noting one to two important questions I'd like to ask. How can I leave a positive lasting impression to kick off a positive and friendly relationship?

[00:06:47] Any advice on what to do after the meeting besides the usual, “Hey, great chat. Let's get together again at vague timeframe.” I genuinely can't thank you guys enough for all you do to help provide massive value in the lives of all your listeners. If there's anything I might be able to help you with other than leaving a glowing review and sharing the podcast, please let me know. Kind regards, Jay from Chicago,.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:10] So sounds like Jay has done everything right. So he reached out, he's met up with somebody that is going to be a valuable network connection, whatever. Great, perfect. He's already got the good listening skills down. What to say during the actual conversation? Well, it doesn't really make a difference. You're already doing the obvious things you said, looking up some interests you have in common, being ready to share some of your experience and your story offering help. One of two important questions you'd like to ask. This is perfect. That's all you really need. You don't have to be entertaining, funny, smooth, nothing. What usually gets people in trouble here is what they do that they shouldn't be doing, not lack of something but going a little bit overboard. So trying way too hard. Here's 17 articles, I'm going to text you every day, that kind of thing is a bit much during the follow up.

[00:07:58] Don't ask for a job. A lot of people do that. You'll be having this great interaction with somebody, they'll be asking you for advice and then suddenly they're like, “Hey, so do you think Apple's hiring?” And it's like, “Oh, I knew this was the agenda,” right? Don't ask for the job. It's just that's why people don't take a lot of these meetings sometimes. And I would say for follow up, email follow up the same day, email follow up again a few weeks later, and tell them how you're applying the advice that they gave you. This is part of their reward, so a lot of people they'll follow up via email like, “Hey, it was really great meeting you. Thanks for taking the time out of your day. I really appreciate it.” That's great. That's a good thing, you should do that on the same day, or at least the day after at the very latest.

[00:08:40] Then though, a couple of weeks or a couple of months later, whatever's appropriate, depending on the advice and the timeline. ‘Hey, just wanted to keep you posted. I'm actually looking into a, B, C, and D as you suggested. I already read this book that you'd recommended. Is there anything else.” That is really useful, because most people who give advice, it's never heated. People don't really care. There they're looking for something for their own agenda, like a job. They don't care about the hard stuff, the books that they need to read, the types of events they design up for, the research they need to do, the articles in publications they need to get. Most people don't bother with that. They don't bother applying this stuff that they hear about in their workplace. They're just looking for the immediate reward. So showing somebody that you've applied their advice makes them more likely to give you more, which leads to this Benjamin Franklin effect where someone's helping you and they rationalize that the reason they're helping you is because they like you.

[00:09:33] And in this case, they actually of course will like you and they'll be happy to keep doling out advice usually as long as it's applied. So apply the advice and let them know how you're applying it, how it's working. Or if it's not working, if they can clarify what you might be doing wrong. This is how you end up with mentors, so to speak. And I don't really love that word because I feel like it's just people who've watched like too many Tai Lopez videos or something. Use it, but that's how you end up with mentors and role models in your life who actually stay in touch, because those are the people that go, “Oh, well, every time I tell Jay from Chicago something, he implements it and then I find out later that he's done it and he wants the next level.” That's rewarding. It's certainly more rewarding than telling somebody 10 things they can do and then never hearing from them again, until they need something. So that's the key. Don't ask them for stuff, show them how you're using what they've given you instead.

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[00:11:34] This episode also sponsored by Rhone. Rhone has awesome stuff, the commuter pants is what we use to use to throw on here? Jason's got a bunch of those. I've got a couple pair. I'm wearing some Rhone workout pants right now. I don't think they're called workout pants, but that's what I wear them for. They've also got this salient running short sleeve shirt. It's made with a nice strategic venting and seamless construction. But really it uses this new fabric called the salient, which is the first FDA determined fabric to promote increased energy endurance blood flow performance.

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[00:12:42] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:43] Hey Jordan, I have a friend who's in dire need of help, but I'm a thousand miles away. I met my friend over the PlayStation network and have known him for a year. We played together constantly and often text each other. He's a really cool 15 year old dude from Kentucky. I'm 18, and live in New York. He's in a really hard situation with a father who was abusive and an addict mother who lives on her own and can't hold a job. He's emotional, and often jokes about self-harm, yet I don't know how much is really a joke. He's tight on money, so many options are out of reach. He also lives out in the sticks, so again, he's far from any help. He's also in a very conservative area, which doesn't help the situation.

[00:13:23] Since he didn't have his mom when he was young, his grandmother was his motherly figure. I'm not sure what side of the family she's on. Unfortunately, she has cancer and I don't think she has much longer to live. To make matters worse, her house burnt down a few days ago. The grandmother is all right, but my friend's dog of 10 years was inside and didn't make it. As the cherry on top, they believe the mother was the one who actually started the fire and is now in the hospital because of it. I really want to help him, but I don't know how. I really like him and want to see him have a happy life. But as of right now he's depressed and might be close to suicide. Please help, Long Distance Friend in Need. Oh and PS, I was just accepted into my top pick university.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:08] Wow. So this is a complicated question for a few reasons here. You're going to have to talk with your friend honestly about everything that's going on. Sounds like they already are, which is good. And definitely talk about the self-harm. It sounds like, see that's one of those topics where a lot of people will avoid it because, “Oh, it's not on my business,” and “Oh, he's just joking,” “Oh, it's uncomfortable,” that kind of stuff. He's emotional and often jokes about self-harm. People don't really do that unless they're kind of throwing it out there to see how other people are going to react. And like you said, I don't know how much is really a joke. That's not good. That's really bad. I would say talk with them about this really frankly and maturely because he's probably -- you might be the only person he can talk to about this. And give him the number to the suicide hotline, which by the way is 800-273-8255, that's 800-273-8255.

[00:15:06] We'll link to that in the show notes as well. That is the national suicide hotline. Your friend can call 24/7, and I think you could probably call them and ask them for professional advice on what to do with this friend who is talking about this. Because this sounds like it's a mess and it sounds like you're a really caring person trying to help, but this is above your pay grade, it's above my pay grade. This requires professional help. He's unlikely to get it because like you said, he lives in the sticks, his mother's a mess, and sounds like she just needs to be in possibly institutionalized instead of around the family burning houses down and killing pets. And the father sounds like he's got his own stuff to deal with, or doesn't care or can't deal with it. I mean this is a huge mess, but I'm also a little concerned about you, man.

[00:15:57] Congrats on getting admitted to your top pick university. That’s great. But you got to remember that you can't fix everyone. Even if you do care about everyone, which is admirable. You cannot fix everyone. I think it's great you're trying to help your friend. I really want to make sure that you're careful about not getting sucked into too much of this type of stuff. If you sense abuse in the family as well, by the way, you should report this to the authorities before something even worse happens. So if this kid is actually being abused by the father, this is something that you should probably get some details on and figure out what's going on. Like, look, if the dad's a jerk, if he is just yells a lot, that's one thing. But if this guy is beating up your friend or worse then you need to get the authorities involved before something even worse happens.

[00:15:41] A lot of abusers are triggered by stress, and it sounds like this situation is just deteriorating more and more and more. And if he's a really bad abuser, he could push your friend to do something that he can't change. So it sounds like your friends had a really bad situation and there are a lot of resources as far as I know for teens who are in this situation, including getting the hell out of there. If you're a homeless teen, there are places where you can go, and the suicide hotline should have that information as well because they deal with a lot of this stuff. So I would encourage you to call them and find out what they recommend you should do in this particular situation, with this particular set of facts. Again, that number is 800-273-8255, and it will be linked up in the show notes for this episode. This is a serious situation. People don't joke about suicide when they have this sort of context in life if they're not kind of serious about it. What do you think Jason?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:35] I have been on the other side of it, and I know that while he wants to fix this situation, he's only 18 years old. He's not prepared to do it, and he needs to go to professionals and then get his friend to call the professionals, which I think is the best route.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:52] Yeah, I think calling them and figuring out what to do and then you know, look, when you give this number to your friend, which I assume the suicide hotline will recommend, ask him next time you talk to them, “Hey, did you call them about this?” You don't have to wait until you're on your bathroom floor with a knife in your hand or worse to give these people a call. They're there beforehand. That's the point, right?

Jason DeFillippo [00:18:12] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:13] So keep them accountable a little bit, “Hey, did you call them? Oh no, I've just been really busy. I don't need that. I was just kidding.” Yeah, give them a call anyway. Give him a call anyway. Give him a call anyway. Really just get them to do it. And he might lie to you about doing it and I would say, have them just do it, have them do it, hold them accountable because you can't be responsible for this because it's going to weigh on you too heavily, but he needs to do it. And I realize he might not want to do it because nobody likes to think of themselves in this particular light. But it sounds like he already is. And this could be really tragic if we don't get ahead of it. And I will say this, if you are not able to get him to call and something bad happens, it is not your fault. In fact, nothing that happens with him is your fault. So I want to put that out there now in case the situation changes dramatically in the next couple of days or weeks. Oh, heavy duty. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:07] Good evening, Jordan. I have a scenario and I would love your advice. I have a friend, let's call her Maureen. Now, Maureen is the sweetest and happiest person you could ever meet and is willing to do anything she can to help you or accommodate you and your interests. Meanwhile, we have a mutual friend, let's call her Camilla, who struggled with severe depression and anxiety her entire life, which was made even worse by bullying from elementary through early high school. She recently got into a string of car accidents and suffered injuries to her head and neck. Camilla has hardly been able to stand for more than 30 minutes and can't live a healthy and productive life. But I honestly think she's just milking it and not allowing herself to recover fully because it puts her out of her comfort zone.

[00:19:50] So now Camilla has turned to Maureen as a pick me up, but Maureen is continuously being weighed down, and her grades, family, life, and social life are all experiencing an enormous hit. In essence, Camilla is putting unnecessary stress on Maureen. I've seen all this also where Camila down to a thread, and currently, we're just waiting for her to break. I don't want her to break because she's a happy human that might not reach your full potential given the situation she's put herself into. Maureen also doesn't deserve this treatment, but she's just to kind of stop. Is there anything I can do or should do to help Maureen escape, or should I do anything at all? Thanks in advance. Signed, Man in the Middle.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:32] Some people really enjoy caring for others and some people really enjoy being cared for. Of course, this can be really toxic, to one or both parties. I get that you don't want Camilla to break. She's a happy human, she might not reach your full potential, and I understand that Maureen doesn't know when to stop. She doesn't really have the boundaries. I think she thinks -- Maureen thinks she has to do this. She feels guilty and I don't know Camila here, and I don't know all the facts, but oftentimes what happens is if one party doesn't have boundaries, the other party may intentionally or unintentionally be using guilt to control the other party. That can be problematic. I'm not saying there's any evidence for that here. I am saying that that happens in a lot of cases.

[00:21:18] So for you, Man in the Middle, I would say be a sounding board and let her know, et Maureen know that you see it weighing on her. She might think she's pulling it off, nobody notices. Look how well I'm balancing everything. If you let her know, you see it weighing on her that along with you lending an ear can give her some permission to take care of herself too. She might not think that's okay. She might be the kind of person who thinks, I've got a sick friend, I don't have time to go get a massage or go workout or eat right or sleep enough. There's a lot of people like that, give her permission to take care of herself too, especially letting her know that she's got to be in good condition to continue to take care of herself and her family, let alone her friends. Point out the unhealthy and potentially dependent relationship that she's in, which also does not seem to have any end in sight.

[00:22:10] So this is bad for both parties, right? This is bad for everybody. There is no end in sight. One party is becoming maybe reliant on the care from the other. The other person's wearing themselves out, burning the candle at both ends. She may just need permission for self-care and to do her own thing. And you should also inquire what kind of boundaries she has. You can't really say what kind of boundaries do you have, but if you find out that Camilla’s calling her at 2 o'clock in the morning to talk because she feels alone, that's a little bit beyond somebody who just needs the occasional handhold, right? And the other thing is look, the bullying and the anxiety, and then the car accidents and the injuries. I don't know, I can't help but notice this sort of strange pattern. It doesn't mean that somebody doesn't just have really bad luck, but it also seems like maybe this is evolved into a pattern where she feels good being taken care of, which I understand. I totally understand that. It's just really, really bad for the person who doesn't have the boundaries and the wherewithal to say, “Hey, I've got to take care of myself.” So be a sounding board. Let her know you see it's weighing on her and give her permission for a little bit of self-care, because she's probably not in a position where she feels like she can do that for herself.

[00:23:20] This episode is sponsored in part by Microsoft. Microsoft Teams is this digital workspace where teams can create, they can collaborate, communicate just like you would in the real world. So this is your hub for teamwork in Office 365. There's so much to look after in projects, at work, it'd be great if there was just one place to look, and Teams is that single workspace where you can work, share or connect with the people in your work life. It brings together your chats, your meetings, your files, your apps all in one place so you can take teamwork where you work. Of course, they've got mobile and desktop apps for you to use outside the office, whether you're sprinting towards the deadline, sharing your next big idea teams can help you and your team achieve even more. Visit office.com/teams, that’s Microsoft Teams and Office 365. Visit office.com/teams to learn more.

[00:24:08] This episode is also sponsored by Legacybox. This is a cool product that I was sort of surprised, it didn't exist before. You get this box of course naturally and it's loaded with these different labels for different types of media. And then you rummage through your garage, your parents' garage, the mantle of your fireplace, the place where he used to have your TV and your VCR and your cassettes and your tapes or whatever and your whatever, ever all kind of like legacy media that you can't play anymore. And you throw it in the box and you throw the label on there. And then you just send it off to wherever Legacyboxes, there little HQ. And then they send you back a bunch of digitized files that you can download. They can send it to you on a flash drive or a DVD, whatever kind of new-ish media that you want. DVD’s funny, right? Because you sending all this legacy media and then you get back another piece of legacy media for your parents that they could actually play. But the rest of is online of course. And it just takes a few weeks and they digitize everything.

[00:25:11] It's really cool, man. We got a bunch of old stuff from Jenny's childhood that there's just no way we would have ever seen again. And there's like a piano recital from when she was six or eight years old, because she's Asian, of course, she had a piano recital at six or eight years old. It was really neat, kind of thing to have. So if you've been sitting on these tapes and you've been like, “Oh one day I'll do something with these.” Hopefully, you didn't Chuck them out. Go check out legacybox. There's never really been a better time to digitally preserve your old home movies, film reels, photos, legacybox.com/Jordan, you can go there today, get 40 percent off your first order, which means they start at like 45 bucks, or you can save up to 200 bucks on the largest Legacybox kit if your dad or mom was like a video camera hound and filmed everything. It's totally worth it.

[00:25:56] The pricing for the memories is just, there's kind of a no brainer. Legacy box.com/Jordan, and you can enter my code Jordan and save 40 percent on Legacybox today. So get started preserving your past and let me know what funny stuff you find in there. There's got to be some hilarious childhood moments that were otherwise undiscovered.

[00:26:16] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:17] Hi, guys. I'm 29 years old, and one of my goals is to visit all 30 major league baseball stadiums. I started doing this 10 years ago and I'm in the home stretch, five parks to go. When I started this journey, I had a number of friends who are my travel buddies, but they've all dropped off. They got married, had kids or moved away. Here, I am rounding third on my way to home base and I have no one to travel with. I went into my last two stadium trips alone because no else wanted to or could go. Life happens, I get it. I'm not faulting them for it. In the past year, I've started two new jobs with no look at outside the office friends, let alone travel partners. I joined a local Toastmasters club and again, nothing for friends. I'm a pretty independent person and don’t mind doing things by myself.

[00:27:02] Sometimes I see a benefit to it. I almost always go to see movies alone. I've gone to concerts alone, moved around the country for work alone, and now apparently go on vacations alone. My mentality behind all of this is, if I want to do something and no one else will join me, I'll just do it myself. I'm not going to deny myself and experience just because I couldn't find someone to go with. I've got some bigger trips coming up in this journey, namely Los Angeles. All right, welcome to the hood. Would it be more fun to travel with someone else? Of course, but I want to complete this goal in two years and frankly , I can't see my travel partner situation getting any better in the foreseeable future, so why wait? My question is this, do more people do things by themselves than I think? I feel I may be in a rare situation here. Some people said what I'm doing seems sad because I'm by myself. I say it's necessary if I want to do the things I want to do, am I alone in this, or am I actually a part of a bustling community of individual adventurers? Regard, Solo, but not Han.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:03] All right, so little but not Han. So I'll tell you this. I understand that some people say that it's sad. It sounds a little bit sad, but it's not really. I traveled through tons of different countries alone. Ukraine, Serbia, Mexico, Panama, I mean I had jobs in some of these places too, but I'd went and did a lot of backpacking. I did a lot of solo travel. I met people along the way. These are longer backpacking trips, but I would say for what you're doing, you can join couchsurfing.org. I know we've recommended that in past shows. There's people that are local to those cities that you could meet that are probably also interested in baseball and you could say, “Hey, I'm coming to town. I'm visiting all the stadiums. Want to catch a game?” Somebody might say, “Sure, why not? You’re from out of town. Why not make it happen?” There's meet ups where groups of people go to the games.

[00:28:49] I think that you could probably meet tons of people tailgating and things like that, and that would achieve your goal of going and checking out the stadium while meeting some other fans and other people at the same time. There's tons of activity groups online. There's tons of people in different cities where you're going. You could meet people that want to see the stadiums or he could meet people that are doing completely different things. Go catch a game than do a walking tour with other people. I really don't think it's sad. If this is something that you want to do for yourself, then it's fine, but I think it is always more fun with friends, but it shouldn't be a requirement. Otherwise, you're only going to do things that you can get a group together to do, and sometimes, especially as you get older, that gets really, really hard, because it's not, the people don't want to see the stadiums per se. It's that people don't or can't leave whatever they've got going. They've got a family, they've got a wife, they've got a kid, they can't make the time. They've got career obligations.

[00:29:39] Doing things yourself is not the pathetic. There is a huge amount of individual adventures and travelers around and you can meet them through those groups, through those meet ups, through couchsurfing. Or if you stay at hostels, there's a lot of individual travelers there that you can meet. There's group dynamics that form in there. Lots of people travel alone.

I do think it's always better with friends but that works, even if they're new friends. You can meet foreigners in those cities that you go to, that would love to see a baseball game and have somebody that they can sit next to and explain what the hell is going on. That's a pretty good match for somebody who might want to check out something like that. And trust me, I've been on both sides of this. There's no shame in doing it alone, but if I had to do it all over again, I would try harder using the activities I just mentioned to make friends when I landed, or at least to pave the way before I landed to see if anybody else was interested in joining me. But I would not let it stop me, if there was no one there that was interested in joining me. If you wait for other people, you're never going to get anything done.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:36] It sounds like Solo is on the right path with all of his solo travel, and he's just letting other people kind of dictate that it should be sad. It sounds like all in all he was fine by it, except other people are saying, “Eh, maybe that's not the greatest thing,” but I'm with you man. Solo travel rocks. I enjoy it. It is better with people, but it’s different. I don't even see it as better or worse. It's just kind of different.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:58] Yeah, I agree. I think it's different. I do think its fun to make new friends, but sometimes I just don't care. Maybe that's just me though. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:06] Hi, Jordan. Firstly, I wanted to say that I found your show through Mind Pump, and have been absolutely blown away. Good luck with transitioning into your new phase of business. You're going to kill it. I'm in a situation now where I've noticed more and more that I'm lying about things to seek immediate relief from a situation. Some have been quite serious while others are more in white light territory. It starting to make my life rather uncomfortable, and I'm really looking to move forward with honesty. However, I have a moral dilemma. Do I confess that I lied about these past events, or do I just put it behind me and move forward? Admitting what I've lied about would cause some people a lot of pain. And this initial lie was made such a long time ago that everyone seems to have moved on from the event. It just still nags at my consciousness sometimes. Thanks for the advice. Signed, a Recovering Scumbag.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:57] So the question here, Recovering Scumbag is, is there more damage letting the light go or fixing it? That's always the question, and that can be really tricky, right? Sometimes we think that letting it go is going to be the way to go. Everyone's moved on, but some people haven't, but other times we think, “Oh well, I should definitely let this go or fix this,” and the opposite is true, right? “Oh, I should fix it,” and the other person goes, “Ah, you know, we thought we were past this and it just opens up all those fresh wounds.” My gut says it's a little bit selfish to correct a lot of this stuff now, because you're just easing your own conscience, which is really your consequence for lying. I would utilize that to remind yourself what happens when you are dishonest in a relationship. Now, if there's something where you can never have a frank conversation with one of your girlfriends because you lied to her about something and it just bugs you every single time, and it's ruining the relationship, that's one thing.

[00:32:57] But if you're just thinking, Huh, I've got to tell everybody every crappy thing that I did. Well, “Hey look, I’ve copied your math homework, and then told the teacher you copied mine five years ago. I don't think that's going to be useful. And it's just going to make you look like a jerk and make it harder for people to trust you even though you're on your way up. So I would say move forward with truth. No need to go back and correct the record unless someone stands to be cause some additional harm by not having that record corrected or if you just cannot let it go and move forward. I can't really tell much more without a specific example, but I always find that, for example, in relationships where somebody cheats and it's like been five or 10 years, and they go, “Oh yeah, well in a therapy session, I decided to divulge everything. I'm like, “Oh no, I'm not sure that was useful.” I'm really not sure that was useful.

[00:33:48] And look, it depends on the situation, but sometimes you're just causing pain and harm. The damage may have already been done in a lot of these situations. However, there are some situations where it's always going to be looming over you, and if that's the case, then you have to set the record straight. Just be prepared. Sometimes it's going to cost you your relationship, or it's going to take years to repair, but that's fair. That's those are the consequences to lying. That's why it's so important to be as truthful as possible, especially when it comes to other people. The consequences often don't show up right away, but they always cause damage to the relationship itself. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:26] Dear Jordan, I'm a writer who has self-published several pieces of writing. I have two books out on Amazon and three collections of poems. However, I'm not generating income off of these. I know that I need to be patient, but I'm wondering if there's anything more that I can do. It's been three years since I self-published my first book and had been regularly self-publishing, but I haven't received any reviews or much in sales. I don't know if I should try creating a blog and trying to form an email list, but that would take up a ton of time that I would rather spend writing. I despise marketing, in cringe at the thought of trying to create something that might come across as slimy. Whenever I see an advertisement, I make a mental note to not buy whatever's being advertised because it feels desperate as though the product can't sell itself. I'm wondering if this is the wrong attitude and if I should try to market my books.

[00:35:18] I would rather focus on my strengths though, which is producing content to self-publish. I'm not really sure what to do. There's all this advice about how to be successful in self-publishing and that you need a following on social media in order to get noticed. But what about letting my books sell themselves? Would it be better to keep putting more out there, or to focus on developing some sort of website to promote myself? What are your thoughts about this? Sincerely, the Quivering Quill.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:46] So Quivering Quill, here's the thing. You got to learn how to self-promote, you have to, there's no such thing anymore as some sort of artists that just gets discovered. I mean it's so rare. It's like winning the lottery. Even when you see these super well-known celebrities and things like that, they're still all over Instagram. They're on Twitter, they go on TV, they create drama to get in the media. They're self-promoting. And these are people, who've won Grammys or are in movies and things like that. You have to self-promote. The feeling that you don't want to do it or that you're above it somehow or that your work speaks for itself, all that stuff is either a relic of the pre-internet era and or a little bit of ego, and I get that. If you're not sure how to do it. If social media and developing a following, all that stuff sounds intimidating, then it's easier to go. My work stands on its own. I totally understand the urge just to say and think that, I totally get that. But usually that's the result of going, “Huh, I don't really get how people do ad campaigns and develop email lists and do social media marketing, so I'm just going to focus on the craft,” which I agree is important.

[00:36:56] However, resenting the fact that other people have success in an area where you don't because they're better at self-promotion. That's just kind of an ego thing like, “Oh yeah, this person, maybe they market a lot, but look how much better my books are.” That’s going to be a problem for you for a long time, and that's, that's ego talking. I'm not getting a lot of ego from you, but I think that it is a useful defense mechanism for a lot of us that goes awry, especially when it comes to promoting our work. And look, it's not even that you hate ads, you don't hate ads. It's that you're reacting out of ego. Nobody really hates ads to the point where they go, “I'm angry about this.” I'm sorry that's not reasonable at all. If you see ads and you have an emotional reaction, it's not because the other person is slimy, it's because you're resenting the fact that other people are promoting their stuff. I get that too.

[00:37:46] I would wager that if you had a handle on the marketing, you'd love doing it because if your work is so good, then it's worth getting it into other people's hands. Especially through a little bit of marketing. You're not shoving it down people's throats. You're not showing ads that interrupt their quality of life, right? You're not stapling things to their front door, and unfortunately nowadays, being an artist who doesn't have to do any marketing requires you to already be independently wealthy. You don't have to market your work, that's fine. If you've got a trust fund just right for the sake of writing and then talk about how you're this underground, undiscovered success for the rest of your life, it's fine. But if you want to actually survive, you can publish with a publisher. They'll market it for you poorly probably, but you cannot self-publish and then simply expect people to find your work and sell it to the world without any input on your part. That is just completely unrealistic in today's modern age with all the competition you have. Even if somebody were to market everything for you, you'd still be competing with other people that have that marketing and are self-promoting in a competent way.

[00:38:50] So you really need to learn marketing in a way that doesn't make you feel slimy, and you need to look at it as doing people a favor. You're putting your amazing work into their hands by making them aware. And that awareness campaign is the marketing. So it's not pushy, it's entice, right? It's not shove, it's attract. Nobody likes sales at first, but after a while it becomes fun. And it is what separates the successful from everybody else.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:17] I've got a lot of friends who are artists, and they all hustle all day long. It's part of the gig. And yeah, it's not fun sometimes when you're getting started, and I do believe you're totally right with the ego, but you have to do it or you're not going to be an artist for long, you know. You can be the starving artist, but then sometimes you got to get food on the table. So that's the price of being an artist is you have to sell yourself.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:40] Agree, and now being an artist, it's 25 to 50 percent how can you promote this effectively? Unfortunately you're going to find like even really critically acclaimed artists to look at some of the more recent ones. Banksy, he's 80 percent self-promotion in a way that's really clever because it's street art, right? So he doesn't come across as somebody who's shameless. He comes across as somebody who's daring. It's a little bit different than what you're talking about the writing, but that is a good intersection of that. But look at somebody like Kanye West. Maybe not a great example of somebody you want to be like, but that type of promotion is what works. You don't have to be obnoxious with it, but you definitely need to figure out what your brand of marketing is, what's congruent with what you want to create and what you're doing. Otherwise, you're going to have to get a day job, and that's just how it is, especially now.

[00:41:32] Recommendation of the week. There isn't one. I recommend you go outside and enjoy the weather. Springtime.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:37] It’s 53 degrees here in sunny Los Angeles, believe it or not. So I think I will go and put on a coat and take the dogs for a walk, on your recommendation.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:45] There you go. Yeah, we've been too busy to watch Netflix. I think that's fine. I'm okay with that. I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. Happy to keep you anonymous. Of course, a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to Tara Nesbit. She's been a fan of the show for 11 years, since we were recording in a basement. And Linda M, she's a 58 year old mom, a lawyer on Wall Street that really loves the show as well.

[00:41:15] I'm on Instagram and Twitter, @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show and tell us what you're up to. Jason, tell him where to find you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:22] I'm on Instagram @JPD, on Twitter as jpdef as J-P-D-E-F, and you can check out my other podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks out every Monday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:30] Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. And share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipeline, we're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time.

[00:41:47] This episode is sponsored in part by Shaq. Yeah, that's right. The Big Podcast with Shaq to be specific. Have you checked out the Big Podcast with Shaq lately? Of course, Shaq and the team talk basketball and sports, but it's not all about sports. Shaq talks about movies, TV, music, what's happening in his life, maybe a little gossip. Some of his past guests include Chris Webber, Rob Gronkowski, and Rob Riggle. Make sure you check out the Big Podcasts with Shaq every Monday, exclusively on Apple Podcasts, the PodcastOne app and podcastone.com. So not exclusively at all basically.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:17] I was going to say, I don't think they know what exclusively means.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:18] Yes, exclusively everywhere in every app that plays podcasts anywhere.