Your grandpa is allowed to cope with the grief of recently losing your grandma in any way he sees fit, but you’re concerned that the young woman he’s about to marry is part of a larger plot to grift him out of his life savings. What can you do to protect him? This and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- How can you guard your grandpa against what seems to be a classic young woman marrying an older man for his life savings grift? [Once again, thanks to Corbin Payne (aka C-Payne) for helping us with this one!]
- You’ve caught wind that your father is preparing to file for a divorce from your mother, but you’re not sure if she even knows yet. What’s the best way to be supportive of her if this comes to pass?
- You’ve only been working for your “real” employer for a month, but your side hustle is far more profitable, enjoyable, and fulfilling. So how do you jettison the day job so soon after accepting it without feeling like a jerk?
- You’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and the whole thing can tug at your insecurities, but how do you avoid sabotaging a new relationship with your tendency to be too clingy?
- Since you were bullied early on, you’ve never really been the “school” type, but you know getting a higher education gives your future path a wider set of options. How can you summon the motivation to go back to school?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Please Scroll Down for Featured Resources and Transcript!
Please note that some of the links on this page (books, movies, music, etc.) lead to affiliate programs for which The Jordan Harbinger Show receives compensation. It’s just one of the ways we keep the lights on around here. Thank you for your support!
Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!
This Episode Is Sponsored By:
- Glenfiddich: Find out more about the Glenfiddich #Richest25 here
- BiOptimizers Magnesium Breakthrough: Get 10% off with code JORDAN10
- BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/jordan
- Grammarly: Get 20% off premium at grammarly.com/jordan
- Klaviyo: Get your free trial at klaviyo.com/jordan
Miss our interview with entrepreneur, actor, producer, reality TV personality, and former professional skateboarder Rob Dyrdek? Catch up with episode 498: Rob Dyrdek | Manufacturing Amazing with the Dyrdek Machine here!
Resources from This Episode:
- Anderson Cooper | The Rise and Fall of an American Dynasty | Jordan Harbinger
- Timothy Snyder | Twentieth-Century Lessons on Tyranny | Jordan Harbinger
- Looking Back on the Worst Chapter of My Life, Four Years On | Jordan Harbinger
- Best Banana Bread Recipe | The Salty Marshmallow
- Stopping a Swami from Swindling Our Mommy | Feedback Friday | Jordan Harbinger
- Dealing with Loneliness after 50 – The Sixty and Me 2020 Survey Results | Sixty and Me
- Conservatorship and Guardianship | Family Caregiver Alliance
- Mentor-Mentee Fantasy Can Only End In Misery | Feedback Friday | Jordan Harbinger
- Mike Rowe | The Way I Heard It | Jordan Harbinger
586: Guarding Grandpa from a Grubby Grift | Feedback Friday
[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Special, thanks to our sponsor Glenfiddich single malt scotch whisky. Y'all have heard me talk endlessly about Glenfiddich recently. They're challenging the traditional notions portrayed in culture of what it means to be wealthy and live a life of riches. Glenfiddich believes beyond the material, a life of wealth and riches is about family, community, values, fulfilling work — I agree with that — these are the values that led Glenfiddich to become the world's leading single malt scotch whisky. On Feedback Friday, we're always trying to help solve problems that get in the way of you living your richest life. More from our partners at Glenfiddich coming up later in the show.
[00:00:28] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the dash of almond milk in our weekly advice macchiato, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.
[00:01:07] If you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks, spies, CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, performers. This week, we had Anderson Cooper on his career path and the current state of the media. Interesting guy, really interesting guy, even if you don't agree with his politics and a lot of you don't, I'm sure. We also had Tim Snyder on the road to tyranny and authoritarianism. It can happen here is one of the messages that he wants to get across and he outlines some of how this has happened elsewhere in other countries and other points in time and what to look out for in a way that's not as depressing as it might sound.
[00:01:46] I also write every so often on the blog, my latest post, Looking Back on The Worst Chapter of My Life, Four Years On. And this piece is all about the insights and the lessons that I learned when I had to leave my old company and rebuild the show that you're listening to right now from scratch. It's all about how to use the skills and relationships and other assets at your disposal, how to survive a huge professional blow, and come out even stronger. It was very cathartic for me to write this piece, but I really also tried to extract general principles for anyone who's feeling lost or struggling or navigating a major change, personal or professional. So check that out. You can find that article in all of our articles, by the way, at jordanharbinger.com/articles.
[00:02:30] So make sure you've had a look and listen to everything we created for you here this week. Now we got a funny email from a listener this week. Gabe, do you want to share this with us?
[00:02:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Sure. Yeah. So somebody wrote in and he wrote, "I'm sure you get tons of mail and may not remember me, but I messaged you on Facebook earlier this year because my autistic son decided to whisper in my ear, a line that he had heard from one of your Feedback Friday episodes, the line was, 'Don't eat the f*cking banana bread,' which as a parent, you're supposed to teach your kids not to swear, but damn it all the hell, that was the funniest thing he said, by a long shot. It's to the point where if I have to tell him not to do something, he asks me to say it like Jordan Harbinger, and I have to drop the F bomb and we laugh. So that's the sort of difference you're making in people's lives.
[00:03:14] Jordan Harbinger: Great. We taught an autistic child to drop F bombs, improving the world one child at a time, Gabe. That's what we're doing over here.
[00:03:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: Changing lives.
[00:03:22] Jordan Harbinger: Unbelievable. Yeah. Say it like Jordan Harbinger, and that means dropping an F bomb in the middle of a sentence where it's inappropriate to do so. Great. And it could have been any line from any Feedback Friday. And it was that one. That's a good reminder.
[00:03:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's a classic.
[00:03:37] Jordan Harbinger: I guess. God knows what context I would have said, "Don't eat the f*cking banana bread."
[00:03:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: Here's my guess. I have a theory. I think it was on an episode where you were talking about people going to a recruiting event or something, or being around hiring managers and they serve something at the event and you're like, "Don't eat the f*cking banana bread, bro."
[00:03:55] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Who knows?
[00:03:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: Like, don't go near the food. I think that's what it was, but I don't know for sure because I think it might've been before my time even.
[00:04:01] Jordan Harbinger: Maybe. It is like when you go to one of those open houses and they have cupcakes and cookies and it's like Jen — when we were house shopping, we'd go in and there'd be all these like gross, you know, day-old or two-day-old, say maybe even longer old Safeway cupcakes that look like dry and crusty and the cookies just look disgusting and then that like in cheap plastic container. And I go straight for it and Jen's like, "Don't do it." Because it's like cheap ingredients, garbage sugar, empty calories. And I'm like, "Yeah, let me get a cupcake and a cookie." And they're like, "Go ahead." It's just so nasty. So yeah, don't eat the banana — I mean the banana bread though, I would love, I love banana bread.
[00:04:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, unless you were preaching the gospel of like keto diet or something—
[00:04:37] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I suppose.
[00:04:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: But that seems unlikely.
[00:04:40] Jordan Harbinger: Speaking of banana bread, this is the last side before we start folks, I swear. I went to this Airbnb a long time ago, back in LA. And there was a woman there and she's like, "What do you do?" And I was like, "Oh, it's a — do you know what a podcast is?" She's like, "I'm not that old," because you know, they're in their 60s or whatever. She's like, "What's it called?" And I was like, "Oh, it's The Jordan Harbinger Show." And she goes, "I listened to that." And I was like, "No way, really?" And we started talking about it because Jen booked the Airbnb. So she hadn't seen my name on there or anything. And you know, it's like this nice little unit, so we're like, "Oh, we should stay here again." So the next time I go back, I go back and I stay at that Airbnb and there's banana bread on the counter. And I was like, "Hey, can I eat this?" And she's like, "I baked it for you because I heard that you like banana bread on the podcast."
[00:05:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: Wait, so is it the same reference—
[00:05:26] Jordan Harbinger: I don't think so.
[00:05:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: —or that might be a different one.
[00:05:27] Jordan Harbinger: Because why would I have said don't eat it when I'm definitely going to eat that entire loaf of banana bread every time I go to that Airbnb in LA, for sure.
[00:05:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: Wait, unless the reference you are making, as you're saying, I love banana bread. Don't get near my banana bread. Don't eat the f*cking banana bread.
[00:05:40] Jordan Harbinger: Don't touch my f*cking banana bread is more like it. Yeah, that's possible because that might be where it's from. It's like Jen will be like, "Oh, let me take half of this." I'm like, "Don't even think about it. I'll give you whatever you want, but you not eat my banana bread.
[00:05:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh, there you go.
[00:05:51] Jordan Harbinger: Possibly. Or I would share that with her. I don't know. Either way, I'm really thankful for all of the influence I've had on your son and for the banana bread that the woman baked for me at the Airbnb because she heard about it on the podcast.
[00:06:05] All right. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
[00:06:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe, my grandmother passed away last year and my grandfather has been dealing with an immense amount of grief and loneliness since losing his partner of over 60 years. Then earlier this year, he mentioned the idea of remarrying. He said he wanted to marry somebody who could act as a partner and caregiver, as he approaches 90 years old. He also mentioned that it would be a way to not let his survivor's benefits from the military go to waste and for him to stop driving. Recently, my father traveled down to California with his three siblings to meet my grandfather's new fiance. This woman is nearly 30 years younger than he is. She doesn't drive and she doesn't speak English. I don't understand how she could possibly be a good caregiver or advocate for my grandfather. My dad and his siblings express their concern to which my grandfather said something along the lines of she's very poor as if this were some sort of white knight situation. On top of this, after my father and his siblings met the woman and her daughter to discuss the situation, my grandfather's barber called my grandfather, speaking in Tagalog and said something to the effect of, "Your children are interfering." My family is committed to keeping my grandfather as safe as possible, helping him get a Tagalog speaking attorney to drop a prenup and whatever other paperwork is needed to protect him. My concern is that he outright said that he was going to marry this woman no matter what, and that he could fire the lawyer or nullify the prenup. I'm trying to encourage my aunt who lives close by to advocate to become as power of attorney as she is for his medical decisions. But I'm unsure just how far that actually extends. I'm at a total loss here, guys. How do I help? What should I do? Signed, Guarding Grandpa from a Grubby Grift.
[00:07:41] Jordan Harbinger: Uh, this does not sound good. I'm getting some Barry-the-Swami vibes from this question. I mean, it could be innocent. I don't know, man.
[00:07:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: Um, I had the same thought Barry, this Swami good old beast swam. That was that, quote-unquote, "guru" who was moving in on those sisters' mom a few months back. If you guys are interested, episode of 547. By the way, actually, I got to tell you, this also reminds me of something that happened to my friend's grandfather years ago.
[00:08:06] So here's a quick story. Basically, he was a lonely widower, just like this guy. And one day he gets a call on the phone, in his house from a stranger, a woman, they start chatting. Apparently, they got along very well. And then she kept calling him like every day, multiple times a day for months and months. And they just sort of struck up a friendship, a relationship. And then they finally met in person, but only a handful of times. And then a couple of years later, he died, my friend's grandfather died. So my friend and her family went up to Northern California to have the funeral and pack up the house, sorted out his affairs. And when they go through all this stuff, they realize that all of his money is gone. Not an insignificant amount of money, like hundreds of thousands of dollars he had socked away over the years just disappeared. And then they find paperwork for, if I recall correctly, two different car leases in his desk drawer. One of them, I think, was like a super nice Escalade or something like that with some random person's name on it, but there's no Escalade in the driveway. They've never seen this car.
[00:09:04] And then they also found a receipt for a PO box at this random little ethnic grocery store in his neighborhood, which they couldn't make heads or tails of. And they're just like, "What is going on here?" So they start looking into the last name on the car lease and I can't remember how they finally pieced it all together, but they finally figured out that this woman who had been calling him was some kind of traveling con-artist and she and her family had this exact same con going with tons of elderly people in the bay area. And she had convinced my friend's grandfather that they were in love and they were going to be together. And he had leased the cars for, I think, it was her son and her brother. Then my friend and her family, they go down to the market where the PO box is and they realized that that was where she had him dropping checks for her every week. So she didn't actually have to see him in person. And they went around to the clerks and the manager of the store. And they were like, "Do you know what's going on? Why is there a PO — like, what's the deal?" And none of the people at the store would give my friend's family any information. Like they just stonewalled them and got really awkward and quiet.
[00:10:02] And to this day, my friend's family still suspects that these managers are connected to the con artists in some way, or maybe they're related or they're in the same ring, or maybe they were being paid off. I don't know. And apparently the police would not investigate—
[00:10:13] —really do anything about it. And eventually the family just gave up and just sort of let it rest there. But yeah, this kind of stuff happens all the time. I'm not saying this story will turn out as badly as that, or even that that's what's really going on here, but I don't know. It's definitely a pretty sus.
[00:10:26] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that is crazy. I mean, that's super sus. This 90-year-old man loses the love of his life, in this case, right.? lose the love of his life. He's obviously very lonely. Within a year, he's engaged to a woman 30 years younger than he is with no useful caretaking skills, which also like — that sucks. And when his family starts asking questions, he gets a call from the barber saying that his kids are interfering. So this woman she's obviously like back-channeling with the barber. I mean, to me — ah, what do you think? This is very weird. The whole thing is weird.
[00:10:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's what it sounds like to me. They're back-channeling which is actually sort of funny, I guess, just the idea that this guy's barber at frigging fantastic Sam's—
[00:11:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:11:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: —is the one who's going to tilt the scales here, but it's also kind of scary.
[00:11:04] Jordan Harbinger: The godfather—
[00:11:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: To think that his barber who you trusted with your haircut, that's what you take marital advice from. But it's also scary to think that his barber might be, I don't know, low-key colluding with this woman and her family to lean on this old man to marry her. This just isn't right.
[00:11:18] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It's manipulative. Maybe even bordering on some kind of like vague elder abuse situation. I'm not sure if there's a law being broken here. This definitely doesn't sound like it's on the up and up. So I get why you're concerned here. This is sketchy at best, exploited at worst. We also wanted an expert's opinion on your situation here. So we consulted, of course, with the one and only Corbin Payne, defense attorney and friend of the show.
[00:11:40] Corbin's first reaction was very similar to ours. He zeroed in on the loneliness factor too. And he was even more concerned about the barber thing. In fact, Corbin said that if this barber is actively promoting this effort in concert with this woman or her family, you might have a situation where people are colluding and there might be some criminal prosecution options on the table. Now, he wasn't a hundred percent sure if that's the case, but he was concerned when he heard that detail. So you're not crazy to be worried about that. Although, I will say this in some cultures, they're just tight knit, Filipino, Taiwanese sort of expat immigrant communities. Some of these are tight knit. They have aunties and uncles meddling in everyone's business all the time.
[00:12:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Fair point.
[00:12:21] Jordan Harbinger: This could be less organized con job operation, whatever. And more like people got nothing else to do, need to mind their business kind of situation. And they're like, "Oh my niece who still lives overseas or just moved here is like helpless and broke but nice. And she'll marry this older guy and like, she's kind of old. No one's going to marry her. He's really old. She'll sort of take care of them until he dies. And then she'll just inherit the house," and it could be kind of like that and harmless, as opposed to like, "We're going to milk this guy," but that's just my two cents.
[00:12:50] Sadly, Corbin said there aren't as many options for forcing your grandfather to not get married. He's not sure a power of attorney would be enough to stop him anyway. It might, but you and your family would need to consult with an attorney in your area. Corbin also said you might want to strongly consider getting a conservatorship over your grandfather. We've talked about conservatorships on the show before. Corbin's not always in favor of them. Neither are we, hashtag free Britney. They're expensive and onerous and difficult, and it can get problematic. But in a situation like this, this is when you think about getting one of those, a conservatorship that is. Your grandfather's age, his apparent recklessness in making personal decisions at this point, in Corbin's view, they indicate the need to appoint someone to manage his affairs. But again, you would need to consult an attorney about how that would work and whether it's even possible.
[00:13:38] Short of that though, Corbin had some good ideas to make sure your grandfather is being taken care of. First of all, you should look into his military benefits. They might allow him to get some caretaker assistance. I'd look into his insurance too, see what that covers. Medicare, for example, sometimes helps pay for home health care services, including part-time caregivers. I can't imagine it's amazing as someone in your house, 24/7, but he might be able to have people come over a few times a week, check on him, help him with stuff around the house. Maybe they bring him groceries, take him to run errands, which is more than this woman seems like she can do. She can't drive. She can't speak the language. She doesn't sound willing from your letter to do much of anything.
[00:14:16] In addition to caretakers, Corbin also recommended researching organizations that do elderly visits. If he's got someone coming in once or twice a week, just to watch a little football or the news or Matlock or whatever, you know, now that could help a lot with the loneliness. That could really be the deciding factor, honestly.
[00:14:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: It could make him feel more comforted and yeah, I'd give him some contact with somebody. So he's not looking for it from somebody who might not have his best interest.
[00:14:42] Jordan Harbinger: He's not just desperate for human contact.
[00:14:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: But honestly, the best thing you guys can do for your grandfather right now is stay close with him. Make him feel loved, supported, listened to, because this feeling of loneliness, of being unloved, maybe even in his old age of being unwanted, that's got to be driving this whole marriage thing. The more you guys can meet his need for love and companionship, the less I think he's going to look to this random woman to save him. And it sounds like you guys are already very involved with his life, which I think is great, but he needs to really see and feel that consistently.
[00:15:10] And while you do that, I would also keep encouraging him to consider whether he needs to actually marry this woman. If this were my grandfather, I would probably be telling him, "Look, Grandpa, if you like her, great. Spend time with her, enjoy her company, but why do you have to marry this person?" I would probably tell him, "You know, wait, six months before you make a decision, see if you really like being with her." And then if she bounces after a couple months, because she realizes that she's not going to get half as treasury bonds or whatever, he'll know that she wasn't really there for the right reasons. And then hopefully this problem will resolve itself.
[00:15:40] But if he insists on marrying this woman, which sadly, he might. Then yes, helping him get a Tagalog-speaking attorney, drop a prenup, whatever else would protect him, that is super smart. Also probably the best thing you could be doing for him.
[00:15:52] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. The only problem with prenups, man, is that both parties — at least in California, I'm not sure how it works everywhere — but both parties need a lawyer. So he would have to hire a lawyer for her because what they don't want is some wealthy, powerful guy being, "Hey, so you're not going to get anything." And the other party's like, "Ah, okay, I'm talking to three lawyers and I'm about to get married. So like whatever," they have to be represented in that. So you end up negotiating against somebody that you're paying to negotiate against you. And then usually they agree on something that's not you get nothing. It's not as easy as being like, "Oh, I have this page that you signed that says you don't get squat. Thanks." It's complex and expensive.
[00:16:28] I'm sorry. This is happening to you guys. I really feel for you and for your grandfather, the dude is lonely. He's obviously in need of love and companionship. So I hope he finds it from you guys and from professionals, not from some possibly low-key grifter who's in cahoots with a hairstylist at Supercuts to get her hands on a 90-year-old's money. We're rooting for you guys. Take care of yourself. Take care of your grandpa and good luck.
[00:16:52] You can reach us email@example.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line. Tell us where you are. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or if you need a new perspective on life, love, work. What to do if you've fallen in love with your star employee? That one from last week is—
[00:17:09] Gabriel Mizrahi: Is intense.
[00:17:10] Jordan Harbinger: That's intense. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up firstname.lastname@example.org. We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous.
[00:17:21] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.
[00:17:26] This episode is sponsored in part by BiOptimizers. Who doesn't like free stuff? BiOptimizers' Black Friday deal starts now and along with huge discounts all month long. They're also giving away 200 bucks worth of free gifts. The entire month of November, you'll save up to 25 percent on BiOptimizers best-in-class products. Now's the best time to stock up on their best-selling Magnesium Breakthrough, which helps Jen's leg cramps and sleep. They've never offered a discount as big as this one. Make sure you place your order by midnight, Tuesday, November 30th.
[00:17:51] Jen Harbinger: You can only get this exclusive deal through our special link, which you won't find on Amazon, or even the BiOptimizers website. Go to magbreakthrough.com/jordan and use code JORDAN10 to get your special discount and free gifts today. Get a full refund up to one year after your purchase, no questions asked. Again, magbreakthrough.com/jordan with code JORDAN10. Do it now while supplies last. And don't miss the November 30th deadline.
[00:18:14] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Better Help online therapy. I recommend therapy all the time because I've seen a therapist. It's helped me tremendously. I know a ton of others who do it as well. It's always good for you. Going to therapy is like peeling the layers of an onion. Each layer represents some conflict or issue to be explored with the therapist. You peel one layer and then the next, and each time you work on a different thing and you move one. We get our cars serviced to prevent bigger issues down the road. Going to therapy is routine maintenance on your mental and emotional wellness. Going to therapy, it doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means you are investing in yourself to keep your mind healthy. Better Help is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, even live chat sessions with your therapist. You don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours. Why invest in everything else and not your mind?
[00:19:03] Jen Harbinger: And our listeners get 10 percent off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/jordan. Visit better-H-E-L-P.com/jordan and join over a million people who've taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced Better Help professional.
[00:19:17] Jordan Harbinger: Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going, who doesn't love some good products and/or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support.
[00:19:30] And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:19:35] Alright, next up.
[00:19:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. My dad called my sister recently to say that he was going to sign our family house over to my mother and that he will keep the beach house in his name. My dad is a very cryptic person, and reading between the lines I see this as, "I'm preparing to file for divorce." We haven't told my mom about this phone call, as we don't know how to address the issue with her. My dad will absolutely be fine on his own. He has friends. He has hobbies, and he actually drives to our beach house every week just to escape my mom and her extreme politics and racist beliefs. My mom, on the other hand, she has zero hobbies, zero friends, and will happily stay at home and watch TV all day, not exercising. She is, however, an amazing mother and grandmother to all of the grandchildren who absolutely love and adore her. How can I support my mom through a potential divorce when she does little to help herself? Signed, A Loyal Daughter, Treading These Family Waters.
[00:20:30] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. This is a very interesting family, not just in terms of the way they operate, like your dad's signaling that he's trying to separate by moving assets around, but just in terms of how responsible you feel for your mom, which I think that's sweet. You're concerned about her, even though you clearly don't agree with her world view. You want her to be happy and healthy. You sound like a good daughter, but there's also — I mean, that's a lot for you to take on, to feel like you need to protect and empower your mom when she doesn't even do that for herself.
[00:20:57] That said, if your dad is making moves, that could compromise your mom or blindside her, and he's letting you and your sister in on that information but not her, that puts you guys in a very difficult spot. Now, you're torn between keeping his secret and taking care of your mom, which sucks. The fact that your mom has a great mom and a grandmother and that everyone in the family loves her. That makes things even worse. So, yeah, this is a tough one. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but that's what it sounds like from the letter. So what do you do? Do you tip mom off or do you let mom and dad sort this out on their own and stay out of it? Well, I'm not sure there's an ideal outcome either way.
[00:21:32] If you tip mom off that dad might be hanging onto the house and filing for divorce, you risk, quote-unquote, "betraying" dad, although to be fair, it doesn't sound like he asked you and your sister to keep it a secret or anything. So maybe you wouldn't really be betraying him. It's also not clear that telling mom what's going on would affect him very much. If your dad has already made his moves with these properties, you know, worst case scenario, he'd just be mad at you. If you keep dad's secret and you stay out of it though, then you risk putting mom at a disadvantage and she might feel that you're implicitly allying with dad against her by not giving her a heads up.
[00:22:06] So on the other hand, they're divorced, their assets, how they feel about each other, it's really their business. It's ultimately between them. So I think it does come down to a few things. One, how you and your sister view your loyalty to your mom and dad? What kind of relationship you want to have with them? And two, whether you feel what your dad is doing is simply self-interested or is it actually unfair? And three, whether what dad is doing is going to put mom in a really precarious position by moving these assets around? Four, what role do you think you should have in their divorce, if any? Now, these are pretty personal questions.
[00:22:41] I'm not sure I could answer them better than you two could, but I do think these are the right questions to ask. I do think there's one potential solution to this problem, which is to encourage your dad to talk to your mom. I know you said he's cryptic and probably not great at communication, but if you can explain to him that he's putting you in a very difficult position, having to essentially pick sides. He might realize that he's being unfair to you as well. And whatever moves he's making, they're going to impact mom emotionally, financially. And it's just not fair of him to be keeping it a secret. The sooner you tell your mom what he plans to do, the better. So I would try to get him to talk to her before you do, but if he drags his feet on that, then you guys will have to decide whether you have an obligation to tell your mom what's going on anyway.
[00:23:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: Which, let's be fair, is a very tough call to make. Either way they upset one of their parents, but hopefully they can convince dad to just step up and do the right thing here and say, what's really going on. As for the larger question, how can you support your mom through this divorce when she seems to do so little to help herself? I think you've in a way already sort of answered that question. This is her marriage. This is her life. Ultimately, she has to be the one to take it on herself, decide how to respond to this divorce, how to take care of herself going forward. Your role here is really to be a supportive daughter, a good friend who can help your mom help herself, but not necessarily to force your mom to be a different kind of person.
[00:24:01] So when you do spend time with her, maybe you can say, "Hey mom, you know, you seem a little down, you seem a little bored. What if you took up a hobby or what if you invited so-and-so to lunch? What if you went for a long walk every morning? I think you could really use that right now." You know, sort of like encourage her, nudge her to do the things that you know would help her out. And maybe you even do some of those things with her, so you can encourage her to get into it. Or maybe you combine, I don't know, a hobby or a workout or a social visit with her family, maybe with her grandkids. So she starts to re-engage with life through them. Like going for a hike with the whole family or teaching her grandkids how to crochet or whatever she's into. You can be a cheerleader. You can be a model for her. You can show her a different way of showing up for her life.
[00:24:40] But if she does not want to do that — and if you listen to Feedback Friday regularly, then you know that this is something of a theme here on the show — then you do have to accept that this is just how your mom wants to live her life. At that point, it's all about recognizing the limit of your influence in this situation, the limit really of your responsibility for your mom's happiness. That's the crucial boundary.
[00:25:01] Jordan Harbinger: I agree. 100 percent. Of course, I'm all for her helping her mom find new hobbies, take care of herself, all of that. She can't live mom's life for her and she can't turn mom into a different kind of person overnight, not on her own anyway. Mom has to want to do that. So good luck. I hope you can find a way to be there for your mom without feeling entirely responsible for her and, hopefully, without getting caught between your parents. They need to sort this out between the two of them. You and your sister, ideally, you guys are a good source of support and love, not family therapists or collateral damage. So we're sending you good thoughts. Good luck.
[00:25:34] By the way, if you are joining us for the first time, or you want to tell your friends about the show and you're not sure where to stay, episode starter packs are the place to do it. These are collections of popular episodes, organized by topic to help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com/start to get started. And now, these are Spotify playlists. Gabe, we should probably note this. You can find them on Spotify. We basically took all the starter packs and turned them into playlists that are on Spotify and they're on our website. And I think you can click them on your phone and/or on your desktop and Spotify will just pop them right open. And you can bookmark them and play them all repeatedly for that sweet, sweet ad dollars.
[00:26:12] All right, next up.
[00:26:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe, I was unemployed for most of 2020 due to the pan-D. I lost two jobs and my wife divorced me. Needless to say, 2020 sucked. During that time though, an old friend reached out to see if I could help him with his recruiting business. I was happy to help, but business was slow, so I found something in the medical device field. It wasn't my passion, but it did help pay the bills since the recruiting business was slow. I figured I could do both jobs. And if one of them took off, I would quit the other. Now, the recruiting business has taken off. I have more job orders than I can handle. And I put over $20,000 in my pocket in one month alone. My friend says he has never been busier and has a lot more work for me. I project that I could make $200,000 by the end of the year. The best part is that this is really a foray for me into partnering with this guy in the future. I cannot in good conscience dedicate myself to both jobs, but I feel extremely guilty quitting the medical supply business so soon. How do I quit this job after a month? I know I need to do this over Zoom, but how do I frame the message? Signed, Jumping Ship to Stack My Chip.
[00:27:17] Jordan Harbinger: Well, first of all, I'm sorry, you had such a rough 2020, man. Losing two jobs, getting divorced, that's a lot in one year, but it sounds like you made it through. You took a job you didn't love, but you needed to survive, which was the right thing to do, for sure. And now you've landed in a pretty amazing position. So I'm proud of you for that, but now you feel guilty about having to choose and that makes sense. You sound like a thoughtful person and thoughtful people often agonize over decisions like this.
[00:27:43] Here's the thing though, this recruiting job, it's obviously the better opportunity. The money is too big to ignore. You're well within your right to take it over the medical device gig, you might be letting down your medical bosses, and it's obviously not ideal to leave after a month, but sometimes it happens. You can't give up $200,000 or more this year, just because you don't want to hurt these people's feelings. You just can't do that. That said there is a better and a worse way to leave a job.
[00:28:09] So here's how I'd handle it. I would hop on a Zoom call with your bosses or at the very least write them an email and tell them that you have some news to share. It's not super fun news. You're sorry. You got to tell them, but you want to be upfront. You've been offered another job that offers significantly more money and that it's more in line with your goals right now. And that after careful consideration, you've decided to take it. And here's where I'd tell maybe a little white lie, lie of omission, just to make it go down a little easier. I probably wouldn't tell them that you've been juggling the two jobs this whole time waiting to see which one would pan out. Just that this other opportunity has presented itself and you want to pursue it. Because it doesn't materially change the situation, I don't think you owe these people every single little detail of it, just the ones that are relevant to them.
[00:28:55] Then I'd tell your boss that you're very sorry for leaving after a month and that you didn't intend for things to play out this way. And that you're super grateful for the opportunity. And then I would offer to help make the transition as seamless as possible. Either by helping them search for your replacement or training that person when they come on board or wrapping up whatever you were working on in handing off smoothly. You probably don't owe them more than two weeks of your time, especially since you were only there for a month, but you can definitely make those two weeks as collaborative as possible, which is always a good policy on your way out the door.
[00:29:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes, solid advice, Jordan and hey, here's a fun idea that just occurred to me. Since you're a recruiter now, what if you used your experience with this company to scout talent in the medical device industry? You could prove that you're a great recruiter by helping your old employer find your replacement. And then you could head up HR after you leave and say, "Hey, you know, I'm glad I could help you guys out. This is actually what I do now. I find amazing candidates for companies. Tell me, could you guys use some more help finding other good candidates?" you know, something like that. And bam, just like that, you've brought a new account into your company. You're up in your commissions, you're proving your worth. And then maybe you could use this account to sign even more companies in the medical device field. And that could become one of your specialties. You know, you could like have that as one of your verticals in the recruiting business, kind of exciting and actually a pretty cool way to turn an awkward situation into a major win for everybody.
[00:30:19] Jordan Harbinger: I like that, Gabe. I think if he can pull that off, that would be amazing. Maybe give him a hookup on the recruiting fee. Just a good way to double dip a little, but also make it an even bigger win and lighten the burden on them a little. So I said, go for it, man. Chase the new job. Don't look back. It sounds like the money and the future opportunities are really exciting to you, which is great. Just be helpful and gracious on your way out. And then go get your bag, bro. Good luck.
[00:30:44] All right. What's next?
[00:30:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe, I recently divorced my wife of six years. I've been out of the dating game for a while and I'm finding that it's hard to try and figure out another woman. I also struggle a lot with feeling loved. I started dating a girl a little over two months ago, but we've known each other for over two years. When we first started dating, we were in the best honeymoon phase, filled with gestures of affection and communication of our love. But I find myself being a little too clingy, constantly checking up on her, getting upset if she leaves the house without telling me. I'm getting worked up if she doesn't text me back fast enough, stuff like that., I try so hard to not be this way, but I keep falling back into the same pattern. Should I have an honest talk with her? Should I trust her more? How do I change? Signed, A Clingy Chap in This Cringy Trap.
[00:31:31] Jordan Harbinger: Great question. And I appreciate your openness and self-awareness about all this. I know it can be hard to talk about. First of all, sorry to hear about the divorce. That is a huge adjustment, but congrats on finding a woman that you really love. I'm sure that's bringing up all sorts of stuff, including this clingy pattern, but it's also an excellent opportunity to work on that exact thing. So how do you rewrite a pattern like this? Especially since the clingy stuff, by the way, is a great way to scare off healthy partners who don't want to be around that for too long if you don't address it. Well, you really do have to go back to the source, the early relationships and the experiences, dad, mom, especially mom, siblings, childhood, and the only place you can really do that is in therapy.
[00:32:13] This is going to be a process of uncovering old material, identifying the roots of this impulse to check up on your girlfriend, to get angry when she doesn't respond right away. I obviously don't know what those are, but I can promise you that they reflect old wounds and needs that you probably haven't fully appreciated yet. And once you do, you'll start to understand why you respond to your girlfriend in these ways. And then hopefully over time, just learn how to respond differently.
[00:32:39] My recommendation, find a therapist who works psychodynamically. someone who focuses on childhood and relational issues. Not that other disciplines couldn't be of help. Maybe there are some cognitive behavioral approaches that would help you reframe some of the thoughts you're having, but in your case, getting deep, going way back, that's where you're going to find the gold. That's where you're going to find the most growth and the most relief from the problems that you're describing.
[00:33:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. I agree completely, Jordan. There's so much for him to explore in therapy, including the divorce and also the struggle to feel loved in general as he put it. So yeah, go to a therapist's office ASAP. As for your other questions: should you have an honest talk with your girlfriend? Definitely. I don't think you can go wrong by communicating with her. But when you bring this up with her, I would focus more on your experience. You know, maybe frame it as, "When you do these things I'm noticing that it's making me want to respond in this way. I have this weird feeling like I can't trust you, or I'm very worried about you, or I'm concerned that if we're not constantly in touch, that's something's wrong or you might leave me for some weird reason. I know that's my stuff and it's something I want to work on, but I just wanted to talk about it with you."
[00:33:44] In other words, I would be very careful here about not putting any of this behavior on your girlfriend or subtly asking her to change so that you can feel more secure. The goal and bringing it up with her in a conversation would be to let her in on what you're going through, what you're feeling, and maybe invite her to help you figure this out together. Should you trust her more? Probably. Yeah, it doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong here, but I'm guessing it's not as simple as just telling yourself to trust her more. There's probably a voice in your head. That's going, "If she's not texting me back, she must be with another guy," or, "If she's not telling me where she is every second of the day, she must not care about me," you know, that's the stuff you really do need to go to therapy to unpack. So sure, trust your girlfriend, but more importantly, trust that there's another way to interpret your girlfriend's actions. Also, trust yourself that you could work on this stuff and get better.
[00:34:33] And if/when you go to therapy, maybe you can bring her with you at some point, or maybe you guys go to couples counseling. That way you guys can both work on this pattern and hopefully understand how this pattern develops between the two of you. Because as with any couple, your stuff is almost certainly hooking into her stuff, whatever that is. And that's what creates a dynamic like this.
[00:34:53] You know, Jordan, I'm also curious to know whether this clinginess thing, whether that showed up in his marriage or maybe contributed to the divorce in some way. I think there's a decent chance that it did. And if it did, then he has even more reason to work on it now, because then it's really a theme that keeps occurring in every intimate relationship.
[00:35:09] Jordan Harbinger: Absolutely. And look, even if it's not, even if this is new, you still need to get clear on why you're having these reactions to your girlfriend, where they come from, why you struggle with feeling loved, all these things as you put it. They're just nails in a coffin. You want to be happy. You want to make this one work. You don't want to scare her away. So I hope you get to do that. The fact that you're aware of all this, though, you're willing to talk about it, that's a huge step forward. Bring all of this to a professional, throw yourself into therapy, try to get to the origins of the pattern. If you do that, I think you'll be able to process these feelings differently and probably react differently even in the moment. Hopefully, you'll be able to release some of the ideas, reactions, feelings that are unhelpful and build an even better relationship with your girlfriend. So you got this, man. Good luck.
[00:35:53] It's possible this has always existed most likely, but even if it's, it might've been like at 10 percent before, and now it's like up at 80 percent because the relationship triggered some of this trauma and stuff. And maybe it wasn't a deciding factor in our previous relationship, but now it's going to get worse. This is the kind of thing that if you don't address, it's going to get worse over time. And also people's patience for this kind of stuff, it doesn't last that long. You know, it's like, "Oh, it's kind of cute. He's clingy." And then it's like, "Okay, you're clinging. Get your stuff together." And then, "It's why aren't you doing anything about this?" And then, it's, "I'm out. You know, I can't deal with this. It's stifling." So the fact that he's aware of it, I think, now it's just like open that steam valve, figure it out, you'll be fine.
[00:36:33] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show. And this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
[00:36:38] This episode is sponsored in part by Glenfiddich. Glenfiddich breaks from the single malt scotch whisky norm, and helps redefine what it means to be rich. It's easy to get bogged down in material success when the currency of the new rich is getting more time and enjoyment out of what we've already got. I believe in being rich in relationships, which is what I teach on the show. When I think about all the things I treasure most in life, this includes family, friends, good memories, happiness, these are things that cannot be bought with money. Instead it's all about flexibility and freedom and how I can use my time and focus. These are the limited resources that most of us face these days. Despite the common belief at the time that it would never work, Glenfiddich was the first company in 1963 to export single malt scotch whisky and branded as such outside of Scotland, effectively creating a global category. It's no wonder Glenfiddich is the number one selling single malt scotch in the world.
[00:37:23] Jen Harbinger: Skillfully crafted, enjoy responsibly. Glenfiddich 2021 imported by William Grant and Sons Inc. New York, New York.
[00:37:30] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Grammarly. Y'all know him about saving that time and working more efficiently. It's the little things that start adding up and hogging time in my day. Grammarly Premium gives real time suggestions on your writing so you can get to the next item on your list in record time. They've got clarity suggestions. More importantly, they've got vocabulary suggestions. You don't have to search for synonyms. Grammarly Premium offers suggestions to replace overused words and phrases. I personally use it in my emails to evaluate tone, make sure I'm using words correctly, which is a very contiguous thing to do. Wouldn't you say? And you can also try the free version of Grammarly to save you from embarrassing spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. I know I'm not alone in this. I will judge your intelligence based on your spelling and writing a lot of the time. I know it's natural to do that. I also know it doesn't mean that the person who's writing me is not smart. I get it, but people do this. So my damn share you're on the right side of that.
[00:38:20] Jen Harbinger: Hit send with confidence and get your point across more effectively with Grammarly Premium. Get 20 percent off Grammarly Premium by signing up at grammarly.com/jordan. That's 20 percent off at grammarly.com/jordan.
[00:38:34] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored in part by Klaviyo. If you're getting an online business off the ground, chances are you're probably short on time and long on, really long to-do lists. You already know you need great email marketing to keep your best customers coming back, but where to begin. Save yourself some time. Get started with Klaviyo, the email and SMS marketing platform built just for e-commerce brands. It's fast and easy to use. Create a free account, and you can start sending messages and driving sales in under an hour. With over a hundred ready to go integrations, you can pull in unlimited data like customer shopping behavior, product recommendations, just about anything else right away. It even features built-in guidance to help you seize bigger opportunities and keep improving your results. A lot of e-commerce folks I know love this thing. If you're in that space, definitely check it out. Get started with a free account klaviyo.com/jordan. That's K-L-A-V-I-Y-O.com/jordan.
[00:39:30] And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
[00:39:34] All right. Next up.
[00:39:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and living together for a few months now. I'm 23. She is 21 and she already has her bachelor's degree and a salaried position making twice as much as I do. I've never really been the school type as I was bullied from elementary up to high school, and teachers have never had a meaningful impact on me. But I've always been tech savvy, working for Apple as a technician and for Best Buy as a geek squad installer. I always thought that if I worked hard enough, I could make just as much money without a degree but I'm finding that that's not the case. My girlfriend really wants me to finish college, but the thought of going back to school makes me sick. She is unbelievably smart and has nothing but good things to say about her past teachers and experiences throughout college. I know that if I don't get some form of higher education, that she will eventually leave. How can I change my view of college and convince myself to go get an education? Signed, Dragging My Feet on Using My Head.
[00:40:31] Jordan Harbinger: This is an interesting question. Quite an interesting couple as well. Your girlfriend's very academic, more conventional. You, not so much. No shade, just facts here. She's pushing you to go back to school now, and you're afraid that if you don't, you're going to lose her. Right off the bat, I'm just going to tell you — and I'm guessing he already knew this on some level — this is not a good reason to go back to school. Not only do you struggle in academic environments, which many people do, but you'd be chasing a degree out of — what? Fear that your girlfriend's going to leave you. Come on now. With that approach, you will hate every single step of this process. And you'll probably start to develop some resentment towards your girlfriend for forcing you to do something that you can't or just don't want to do.
[00:41:13] So my take, you're actually asking the wrong question here, the question isn't how can I change my view and convince myself to go get an education. The right question is why do I feel the need to do what my girlfriend says in order to keep her happy, especially in something as major as this and will getting a college degree really make me more successful. The other question you could ask is why did I struggle so much in school and why am I struggling to succeed at the level I want now. Because this whole situation speaks to a deeper theme in your relationship. Your girlfriend, she's pushing you to get your degree, probably because she thinks it'll advance your career. She's not entirely wrong. The data clearly shows that people with college degrees earn more on average than people with just a high school diploma.
[00:41:59] There are different takes on this, but it seems that people with college degrees are anywhere from 19,000 to 30,000 something dollars more per year on average. So, going to college, sure, it could help you. By the way, I think they ignored trade schools when they did this. And they were just talking about people that are like unskilled high school diploma versus college degree. I think that's tricky, possibly on purpose, possibly sponsored by colleges, you know, doing this. Like, "You need this. Oh, don't look at the plumber who's making way more than half our graduates." But the way you described your girlfriend, she's unbelievably smart, you said. She has nothing but good things to say about her past teachers and experiences in college. She's making good money at a young age. I do wonder if your girlfriend is holding you to standards and experiences that she values but that don't necessarily apply to you. I'm happy she had such a great experience in college. It's awesome that she's doing so well now, but I also wonder if there might be some element of — is it ego or appearances wrapped up in the idea of dating someone without a college degree? I'm not saying that's the case. If that is part of why she wants you to get your degree. So you can be part of this like elitist club. So you can be more on her, quote-unquote, level.
[00:43:09] Earning potential aside, I would really ask yourself if those are good reasons for you to go back to school. At the same time, going to college, definitely not a guarantee, you're going to make more money whatsoever. Sure, the average salary for college grads is higher, but that obviously doesn't mean all college grads make more money. And it doesn't mean that there aren't non-college college grads who are killing it. There are, absolutely. What matters more is what you do with that degree or what you do in addition to, and around that degree to set yourself up for success.
[00:43:40] We talked about this a little bit on the show with Mike Rowe episode 264. He talked about trade schools and fellowships and things like that for jobs that actually exist as he puts it. So if you're operating under the assumption that a degree, we'll fix your career, I would toss that out the window right now especially if you are just not the academic type, because not only will you probably be miserable for four years — I mean, you might love it, but past behavior, past experience, pretty indicative of how the future is going to go. Your whole outlook on school will make it hard to get good grades, seek out interesting teachers, pursue cool projects, build strong relationships, all the things that make college actually useful. And you're going to be paying out the nose for that privilege.
[00:44:19] We're living in a world right now — and I've talked about this on the show — a bunch where you just don't need a college degree to have a great career. It might even be a hindrance because of all the debt you're going to be in, that you might be in, I should say. And it's definitely a huge opportunity cost either way. I mean, frigging Google, Apple, IBM, I'm in Silicon Valley, tons of companies here, they're not even requiring college degrees anymore. You have to, of course, be super smart and accomplished to work there, but you don't have to have a degree from a university. There are coders in those buildings who spent a couple of years hacking things together and contributing to open source projects and uploading their work on GitHub. They're crushing it right now. They've never set foot on a college campus or they dropped out when they realized they could get further by just working.
[00:45:03] So I'm not saying that's everybody, I'm not saying that's necessarily you, but this whole model of, "Go to college or you'll never be successful," it's just obsolete. And I think it can often hold certain personalities back, especially if you're a hands-on type of person. There's plenty of other places you can study. And that's coming from a nerd who did undergrad and law school. So, I've done a lot of school and a lot of it I didn't need. Oh, well, all of it, technically, right? I didn't need.
[00:45:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm with you, Jordan. I also went to undergrad and I was a fairly traditional kid before I threw it all the way to be a reckless person.
[00:45:32] Jordan Harbinger: Right.
[00:45:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: And I'm looking back and I'm thinking if I didn't want to do those things and I knew what I wanted and I knew what I was good at, I don't know if college is necessarily the gateway that you think it might be to make the money and have the success that you want. My only caveat to that would be, figure out if you're avoiding college, because you're looking for a way out of doing the work or you're intimidated, or you resent having to, I don't know, maybe play by somebody else's rules or anything like that. If that's the case, then this resistance you have to college will pop up in other areas of your life eventually. And that's absolutely worth addressing now. But I'm not really getting that sense from the email. You sound ambitious, you're willing to put in the work. You just don't like academic settings. The thought of going back to school, as you put it, makes you sick, which is a pretty strong reaction to have. I mean, at a minimum, you got to listen to that. It could mean a few things. It could mean that you have to sort out whatever it is about school that is so stressful, but it could also just mean that you're not fit for that. It's just not your path. And I think that's okay.
[00:46:25] So our advice, do not go to college because your girlfriend is pressuring you to go to college. Only go if you want to go. Or if there's something very concrete that you can only achieve in school or you're dead set on a certain job or a certain industry that absolutely requires a college degree. And if your girlfriend says that she's going to break up with you if you don't graduate college, then you guys need to have a real heart to heart about that. You got to decide whether pleasing her is more important than pursuing an authentic path for yourself. And I think she needs to get a handle on why you having a college degree is so important to her. Hopefully, your girlfriend can learn to accept you the way that you've accepted her and maybe understand why she's mapping her experiences with college onto you when you guys are clearly very different people.
[00:47:10] If you guys can each do that, then you might totally work out as a couple. If not, it's possible, you're on different paths or maybe you're looking for different partners, which by the way, at 21, 23 years old, totally fair, very common. I'm not here to say you guys should break up. I'm not pushing you in that direction. It's just something to consider. It sounds to me like you're trying to fit your values, retrofit your values to fit your girlfriend, and not trying to forge this path for yourself.
[00:47:34] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, definitely. They're still figuring out so many things about themselves and their lives and what they want. And when you're that age in that stage of relationships and everything, your values are in flux too, like this whole college degree thing. I do see her point about wanting you to succeed. And I know that's what you want to do too. So you will have to put in the work to take charge of your career. And in a nutshell, that means a few things. Investing in yourself — so skills, knowledge, credentials. Building meaningful relationships with your peers, with mentors, with people who might hire you one day. If you're not doing Six-Minute Networking, please go and start doing that. Dig the well before you get thirsty, jordanharbinger.com/course. It's free. You all know that by now and putting in the time to get great at something that A, you deeply care about, B, other people value too. It sounds like that's something in technology for you, maybe in IT, for example, which is great. That could be kind of your north star for the time being. I know that this is pretty broad advice, but that's the basic template for any great career.
[00:48:36] Honestly, my best advice for somebody who wants to skip college, find a professional you like and admire and can learn from and just become their apprentice or even their assistant. If you spend a few years working under a high performer in your field, even if you don't make a ton of money at first, even if you have to moonlight for them, that's often your best bet for breaking in. Also, I mentioned it a little bit before, trade schools, you can make a ton of money as a plumber, a mechanic, an electrician. There are tons of technical certifications that you can get to increase your earning potential as well. None of which require university degrees.
[00:49:13] So see if those are right for you as well. If we're talking about an expensive piece of paper, so you look smart to outsiders, not worth it. If you're talking about real skills and certs to get better and better jobs, now you're barking up the right tree. Some places might still disqualify you for not having a degree, that's fine. Those aren't your people. Get great, get connected, get passionate, and use those assets to chart your own path. If you spend four years seriously investing in those three areas, that'll be the college degree almost every single time.
[00:49:44] I hope y'all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week. And of course, all of you for listening, go back and check out Anderson Cooper and Tim Snyder if you haven't yet. Don't forget about Six-Minute Networking, jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. It doesn't matter if you're at the beginning or the middle or even the end of your career. This is the stuff I wish I knew a couple of decades ago. It's been great for me. It'll be great for you. It's also free. Jordanharbinger.com/course is where you can find it.
[00:50:09] A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi.
[00:50:25] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show, ditto for Corbin Payne, and every other expert we have here. Remember, we rise by lifting up. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share the show with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:51:03] You're about to hear a preview of The Jordan Harbinger Show with former professional skateboarder and entrepreneur, Rob Dyrdek.
[00:51:09] Rob Dyrdek: I made my mom come in and meet with the counselor and the principal, and just basically sold them on this idea that I'm going to be a pro skateboarder now.
[00:51:20] Jordan, I live in kill mode. Kill mode is like my lifestyle. You know what I mean? Like I am so optimized and operated at such a high level. That alone gives me energy. I track every hour of every single day and have it tagged, and it all pumps into a living dashboard of how perfectly balanced my time is. So I've gamified living at this deeply, highly optimized existence. That's also a hundred percent balanced by design.
[00:51:51] I live as light as a feather. When that system is out of balance, it's impossible to grow into your full potential, right? And then if you haven't defined what your full potential is and what the life that you want to live and what all aspects of that look like, then you're never going to find it. It's looking at everything you want to achieve and breaking it down to the very first task that you know you can do.
[00:52:17] The most extraordinary way is to begin to turn the idea of deciding what you want, that defining, you know, four or five milestones, and then doing one after another until you get to it. And doing that in all aspects of life over and over again, you begin to feel as if you control reality because you put something that didn't exist as the mile marker and then you built a plan to do it and you did it.
[00:52:43] Jordan Harbinger: To learn more about how Rob Dyrdek dropped out of high school at age 16 and how he now optimizes his life to the fullest potential, check out episode 498 on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
Sign up to receive email updates
Enter your name and email address below and I'll send you periodic updates about the podcast.