Being unattractive to potential partners is obviously not ideal, but what happens when you’re too physically attractive to land meaningful attention from someone who might complete you? We’ll tackle this and more on the latest Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Our prison trip is officially full! If you want to get on the waiting list in case we have last-minute cancellations, please drop Jordan a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Should a tip be optional unless service is above and beyond what’s expected from your server — instead of obligatory because the restaurant or business won’t pay their staff enough?
- You’ve been at your job for a long time and you want to do something different. How do you let your employer know that you want to transition out of your current role while still keeping a positive relationship?
- You’re the only child, and you’ve got an overly sensitive and selfish parent you need to take care of. What can you do to make sure they don’t stress you out when you’re expected to drop everything to attend to their needs?
- You’re in a long-term relationship that seems to be on track for marriage. What do we suggest you talk about to make sure you’re both on the same page before you make the biggest commitment of your life?
- You want to settle down in one place after moving to six different states and countries over the past 12 years, but your spouse can’t seem to decide where to settle. What can you do to come to an agreeable compromise?
- You’re a successful, moderately attractive person who seems to get attention from all the wrong people. Potential friends either want to date you or worry their partners want to date you. On top of all this, you’re demisexual. How can you find someone compatible?
- Life Pro Tip: Instead of spending a day shopping, spend a day cleaning out your closet. You will find clothes you didn’t realize you had and re-discover old favorites you thought you had lost. Plus, it’s free!
- Recommendation of the Week: Wrong Man
- A quick shout out to Amanda Milligan!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, join his podcasting club, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
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Resources from This Episode:
- Shaka Senghor | Writing My Wrongs, TJHS 305
- BJ Fogg | Tiny Habits That Change Everything, TJHS 306
- The Definitive Guide to Tipping at Any Restaurant in America, Eater
- Feedback Friday | How to Break Free from Covert Narcissists, TJHS 95
- 8 Reasons Self-Care Isn’t Selfish, Success
- Ramit Sethi | I Will Teach You to Be Rich, TJHS 199
- Better Help
- What Does Demisexual Mean? Here Are 6 Signs That You May Identify As Demisexual, Bustle
- Wrong Man
Transcript for Help! I'm Too Physically Attractive! | Feedback Friday (Episode 307)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, to thinkers and performers.
[00:00:34] And this week, we had an activist, Shaka Senghor. He was in prison for a while and actually reformed a certain gang culture in prison to be more community service-oriented, kind of an amazing story and an amazing person. We also had BJ Fogg, the OG of behavior change. One of the original researchers when it comes to human habit change and behavior modification. His book Tiny Habits is recent, and I think it's going to be one of the go-to guides for behavior change for habit change. So go check out what we created for you here this week.
[00:01:04] Of course, our primary mission here on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests' and our own experiences and insights to you. In other words, we want to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I just want to place one brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's what this podcast is really all about, and you can reach us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
[00:01:27] The prison trip is full. If you want to come -- it's more than full already -- if you're dying to come to prison with us, February 26, 2020, and join us in our volunteering with the inmates at High Desert Maximum Security Facility, let me know at email@example.com. We'll probably have some last-minute cancellations. We'll figure out something. I'm really excited for this. I can't believe how many of you are coming with me on my birthday to a maximum-security prison. It's just going to be a really cool event, really a cool thing to do. Not many people get to go in a maximum-security prison and then come back out on the same day, let me put it that way.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:02] Hey, Jordan, it's your birthday! You're a felon! Go home.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:05] Yeah, right. Yeah. For a day. I mean, we're volunteering with the inmates, so it's not just like a museum trip and it's not sort of like this gawking type thing. We're going to be interacting and helping out, so it's going to be a lot of fun. And again, if you really want to go, we are full, but I'll see what I can do at firstname.lastname@example.org. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:23] Hey, Quadruple Jay. Love the show and would love to hear your take on this. I struggle with tipping. Why is this even a thing? Shouldn't the tip be optional unless the service went above and beyond instead of obligatory because the restaurant or business won't pay their staff enough so they have to rely on tips? I would much rather the tip amount be built into the charge. Do you always tip, even if the service is bad? Thanks, To Tip or Not to Tip.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:48] Well, you're 100 percent correct and yes, tipping is a weird American thing that makes virtually no sense to anyone. We're just used to it. While I agree with you and all of your reasoning here, there are a few counter-arguments that may or may not be valid. One, some people think that servers make more because of tips, which isn't always true. Most servers are paid below minimum wage and they need tips to make up the difference. So unless the place you're at has expensive food and or is really busy, many servers end up making minimum wage or less. Two, some people think that service degrades when a tip is mandatory or is included. They'll say something like, "Have you ever been to Europe? The service is terrible," which by the way, is not true at all. Most jobs, especially service jobs, don't involve tipping and the service is just fine, both in the US and in Europe. I mean, does your UPS guy throw your packages into the swimming pool because he doesn't work for tips? Does the landscaping company rip up the rose bushes because they don't work for tips? Is your hotel room dirty because housekeeping doesn't work for tips? No. The UPS guy tosses your packages in the pool because he doesn't respect you and your hotel room is dirty because every hotel room is freaking dirty.
[00:03:56] Tips don't change a damn thing in most cases. People either take pride in their job or they don't. Come on. In the case of restaurants, the incentives to change this system just aren't there. The restaurant can get away with paying their servers jack squat and the customer has to make up the difference. The restaurant can advertise super low prices because you, the customer have to pay tax, tip, and then in California, some healthcare charges and other fees, all because the local establishment owners don't have to pay for those things themselves. And I get it. Even if a few restaurants did decide to buck the system and include everything and then pay their servers and actual living wage, their prices would look much more expensive than the competition, which would hurt their business. So I get it. I understand how this works. It's Econ 101 here. This is just one of those very North American things that probably isn't going to change anytime soon.
[00:04:45] And yes, I tip, even if the service isn't that great unless of course the server is rude or doesn't seem to actually care about a problem that we have during the meal, in which case they get exactly what they deserve, which is a reality check. So add 20 percent to the cost of an item at a restaurant. Learn to do that simple math in your head and realize that this is just how it's going to be until you retire and move to Australia. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:09] Hello. I've been at my current job for six and a half years. I love it, but I feel like it's time to transition to other pursuits. I just had my third baby and I'm on maternity leave and I'm supposed to go back to work in two weeks. How do I let my employer know that I want to transition out of my current role while still keeping a positive relationship? I'm more than willing to go back to work until a suitable replacement can be found and trained. Do I let them know now or wait until I go back? I want to tell them that if they have a position where I can work mainly from home part time and maybe go into the office once or twice a week, I can do that. I should also add that they have plans to close the program that I supervise in the next year, so I have to change roles anyway. I can't keep working my current schedule for that long though. Thank you. Just Trying to Do The Right Thing in Idaho.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:57] In this case, it's always better to let them know earlier rather than later and do so in writing. They may ask you to work in your current role for a little while, or they may ask you to simply stay at home after maternity leave and not bother. It's kind of up to them here. You can't go wrong in letting them know early and offering to make sure that any transition goes smoothly. Obviously, it'd be great if you could stay in your role until they close the program and then you could offer to stay as long as you can and potentially close the program early in that case. But, I would be open about what you can and cannot do and make sure that you're really honest about this. Don't say you can stay six months when you think you're probably going to bounce in four and don't tell them that you need to leave and four when you might actually be able to stay six and close things down right and make it easier for them. If you do end up working from home, you have to work twice as hard as you would in the office so that they don't think you're slacking and taking advantage of them. I've had miserable experiences with people working from home, and I've had great experiences with people working from home. It depends on them and how disciplined they are, but I will tell you when people shift from working in an office to working from home, the first several months can be pretty rough. Because it's hard to get up and keep a schedule when your dog's barking and you can go out for lunch whenever you want and it looks like you got to clean the garage and you can procrastinate with everything that's around you. So you got to be careful here.
[00:07:17] It sounds like you're leaving them before they really needed you to leave. And so thinking about this from their perspective will always help you make sure that you don't burn any bridges. And in the end, most employers will understand that you had three kids in your life and it's utter chaos, and you're doing your best to land the company properly on its feet and not simply leave them in the lurch. And even if you could keep your job while raising three kids, I think they'd expect to see a decline in performance. So letting them know early and managing the transition with as much transparency as possible is always the way to go here. You might consider delivering the news in person or by phone to your boss before going back and then put things in writing after the meeting or after the call. There's just something about personal contact that tends to take the sting out of bad news and it'll give them a chance to ask questions that they may not have time to put back in writing to you or that they might think is not wise to put in writing. This, of course, depends on your relationship with your manager or with your boss. So I'll leave that judgment call to you. Also, if you're not planning on being a stay-at-home mom with three kids and you're actually transitioning to another job, hopefully, then this is the kind of thing that you should make very, very clear. But also it'll help to have a job lined up before you break the news because they might say, "Well, in that case, your two weeks are in and it's over when your maternity leave is over and don't bother coming back." Then you're on the job hunt. That might be what you're doing. It's unclear from the note here whether or not you're going back to work or not, so I don't really know what to advise here, but make sure that you always have a place to land if indeed that's what you're looking for. All right. What's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:54] Hi, Triple Jays. I wanted advice on how to handle an overly sensitive and selfish mom. I'm her only child and I've always done a lot for her since she lacks a lot of social and every day skills to live an independent life. She was born and raised in Mexico and moved to the US after meeting my dad. They got divorced after 11 years of marriage. She's been in the US for about 29 years but has never learned to drive, speak fluent English, nor has she held a job for more than a year. She has a boyfriend she lives with and I've helped her pay bills for years until I got married and started my own family. I'm 28 years young, married for two years, and have a 15-month-old daughter. My mom still plays the victim and tries to make me feel bad if I don't drop what I'm doing and go help her and whatever she wants. She's stuck in her own mindset and refuses to mature and expand her train of thought. To top it all off, she refuses to babysit. Even though she has all the time in the world. She prefers me to pay someone else to watch my daughter. I don't want to keep my daughter from creating a relationship with her grandma, but she's driving me nuts. Any tips on how to not let her stress me out would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much. Mom with a Maladjusted Mom.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:00] Wow, well, I'm getting a bit stressed for you just listening to this. It's interesting when we get older and we can see our own parents' fault, isn't it? Like right now you might be thinking, "Ah, maybe this is one of the reasons my parents actually got divorced way back then. Maybe she was doing this to my dad and he decided after 11 years of being manipulated and guilt trip that he'd had enough." I understand it might be tough living in another country, losing your marriage. So I feel some sympathy for her plight here, but your mother is obviously handling this the wrong way. She's trying to control the situation and then control you through guilt. Often this is innocent. It's a habit that a lot of parents, a lot of people build.
[00:10:39] But what's also telling here is that she isn't interested in even babysitting her granddaughter. It's kind of strange. This is highly unusual for somebody who's in a needy position. It makes me think that there's something else going on here. If she wants to be needed and she wants to be around all the time and she wants you around all the time, then when you ask her for something, she says, no, I don't really get what's going on here. There might be more to your mother's mindset than simply being a little bit selfish. This seems outright immature. It's a bit of a surprise.
[00:11:07] So rather than trying to psychoanalyze your mom, I'm happy to give you some strategies on how to protect your mind here. One, unfortunately, lower your expectations. I know this sounds a little weird, but one of the biggest sources of stress is always mismatched expectations. If you aren't getting what you need from your mother in terms of babysitting help and she's driving you crazy. Instead of saying to yourself, "Why is my mom like this?" You can tell yourself, "This is how your mother is. None of this is a surprise." Stop asking for babysitting. Stop wondering why she's being selfish. She just is.
[00:11:40] Two, realize you're under no obligation to tolerate any of this. Yes, she's your mom. Yes, she helped raise you. This doesn't mean she gets to control your entire life now. Look, if you are 28 and you lived at home with her, I'd say, "You better go cut the damn grass. Hit the grocery store. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." Right? But you're not. You're 28 you have your own child, you have your own home, you have your own family. Your primary obligations are to them. It's not like your mother can't drive. It's not that she can't use Uber. It's that she wants your attention. She wants to feel important, and because she has thus far been very successful in controlling you, you owe your parents respect, but you do not owe them your own happiness or your life. Some people may disagree, but this is my opinion and you've asked for it.
[00:12:28] Three, you don't have to do anything drastic here. If your mother asks for a ride and you can't do it or you don't want to do it, talk her through using Uber or try. If your mother tries to rope you into a conversation to make you feel guilty, change the subject relentlessly. And if she says, "Why do you keep changing the subject?" Say, "I'm not going to let you control me through guilt." And just keep going back to the topic at hand. If she refuses to get the message, don't answer the phone every time she calls to start some petty argument with you because she's bored. The thing about narcissistic or selfish behavior is that it often needs to be watered like a plant. If you don't indulge the other person every time they need a hit of your attention to feel important, well, they start to mete out a little bit. They start to think about, "Why should I call or should I call? Is now a good time? Might not answer." This means you deal with it less and less.
[00:13:14] Number four, self-care is not selfish. This is key and you need to remember it. So I'll say it again. Self-care for you is not selfish. You need to be taken care of yourself. You need to make sure that you are rested. Make sure that you're not stressed out to the max because this is about your own kids, your own husband, your own family, which includes you by the way. You've got a 15-month-old. How will she feel when mom -- that's you -- is all anxious because grandma's on the phone with you for three hours telling you how she raised you and you owe her, and you're being a bad daughter and she came all the way to America from Mexico to raise you and you're an ungrateful little, you know? That's not going to serve anybody well. It's not going to be good for you. It's not going to be good for your own kids, your own family or your husband.
[00:13:58] My grandma was a little crazy and she would stress my mom out all the time. And I started getting in trouble in middle school, in part because my mom was so distracted and upset all the time, it became like she wasn't even there sometimes. She was exhausted emotionally. She was exhausted physically. Every day she had to bail my grandma out of some issue or come over to plug in the damn refrigerator. I mean, it was just ridiculous and it took a toll on the whole family. And I remember my parents fighting during that time and I was getting in trouble and my mom thought, "I'm barely holding it together." And it's like, "No, you're not holding it together. You're letting this person who's just bored and sits home all day plots how they're going to make you more miserable and get more attention from you." It's unhealthy.
[00:14:40] You owe it to your family, and most importantly, you owe it to yourself to take good care of yourself emotionally. I don't care if your mom is Mother Teresa. She doesn't get to make you miserable and less able to be a good mother to your own daughter just because of her imaginary or self-inflicted plight. Your daughter and you simply matter more right now.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:02] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:06] This episode is sponsored in part by Hydros. Love these water bottles. They have fast flow technology that filters the water up to five times faster than typical water filters. So you can throw one in your yoga bag or your gym bag and you can just fill it up right at the drinking fountain or in the sink. You don't have to wait for some old Brita to fill up slowly in the morning or before you work out. And simplicity, the same filter works with each bottle and Jason you're a Hydros fan.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:32] I love Hydros. I got it because I've been buying bottled water for my place forever. And then when they came on, I'm like, "We got to try it out. Let's give it a shot." And my roommate loves it. We used to have a Brita and it sucked. The water just tasted terrible. And I have to say, I just bought a four-pack filters. It was under $20 and you can't get even two filters for under $20 for your Brita's nowadays. So it tastes great. The filters are cheap. It fills fast, and it's amazing. I love these guys so much.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:04] They've got the highest standard of filtration as well -- NSF 42 standard class one, no plastic resins in there and stuff. Jason, where can they get a deal on Hydros?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:13] They can go to hydroslife.com/jordan. That's H-Y-D-R-O-S-life.com/jordan for a 20 percent discount. That's 20 percent off at hydroslife.com/jordan.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:25] This episode is also sponsored by Manscaped. A little breaking news here, they're launching their Lawn Mower 3.0. So I guess this is a pubic service announcement, maybe. Nobody? After more than 18 months of research and development, the Manscaped engineering team has confirmed that they have successfully created the greatest ball hair trimmer, ever created, ever manufactured. The new trimmer was released just to only moments ago. We are the first to confirm the new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0 manscaping trimmer now available for purchase. I have one right here. It's a third-generation Manscaped trimmer. It has cutting edge ceramic blade to prevent manscaping accidents if you know what I'm saying. Millions of balls are about to be nick-free, thanks to Manscaped advanced SkinSafe technology. We've been talking about Manscaped for a while now. Let's just say it does the job in the most gentle way in the most delicate of regions. Say goodbye to the old slice and dice and the new 3.0, it has a battery that'll last up to 90 minutes. That's obviously, no one should be using it for that long ever. But you know, some of you might need that. One of the coolest features is an LED light, which illuminates grooming areas so you can make sure you know what's going on down there. They've also got a 7000 RPM motor with -- this is real -- quiet stroke technology. Now that's trademarked, quiet stroke, not sure why, but it is. And they've got a charging stand so you can show this thing off loud and proud. Trim that junk of yours. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:54] I'm just a little disturbed that you have one in your office, but anyway, get 20 percent off and free shipping with code JORDAN20 at manscaped.com. That's 20 percent off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code JORDAN20 and as always, your balls will thank you.
[00:18:11] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:37] All right, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:39] Hey, Triple Jay. As a longtime listener to Feedback Friday, I obviously hear a lot of questions tied to relationship dynamics. I've been in a serious but amazing relationship for almost six months now and truly do feel like I've found the right one. As our relationship matures and we get closer to eventually tying the knot down the road, I know that there should be some topics we talk about and clarify before that happens -- be it in health, finances, family, kids, careers, et cetera. We're both open to talking about the future and for the most part, have been on the same page. I want to minimize the chances of dealing with relationship problems after we're married. What are some musts that you would suggest discussing and what would be good ways to make sure both of us are staying on track with what we originally agreed to? Thanks and keep up the great work. Signed, Love Risk Minimizer.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:24] Well, good call on trying to handle this. This stuff is super important. If we want to know what to handle before marriage, then we should look to the data to see why most relationships implode. And while we can't really control for things like losing the spark or falling for someone else, I mean, we kind of can, but that's beyond the scope here, we can make sure that our core values are aligned. And I know most people wouldn't list money as a core value, but it's basically a meta value because most or many other things in life have to, unfortunately, center around or are affected by money and our ability to manage and take care of it properly. So let's focus on that first.
[00:20:01] One, talk about what you want to do with your money. Not in some vague sense, but in a very real sense. Do you want a new house? How big? Are you going to build a house? You're going to own a house? You're going to rent a house? How much house can you afford? Is this really what's going to satisfy you? If she wants a 4000-square foot house, but you're satisfied with a 1500-square foot house, you need to really figure out what's important. You might be cool getting something bigger and she might be comfortable with something smaller. You really don't know. You need to figure that out. Let me tell you the price difference, pretty big. The key here is to avoid falling prey to cognitive bias. Most people think that there'll be earning more money when they get older, and for most of us, this is correct. However, most people grossly overestimate this. If you don't believe me, take a look at some polling data, which shows how people vote. You'll see that some of the brokest poorest people, they are absolutely freaking delusional about how much they'll be making later in life and how much they'll be saving for retirement. Some of the people with no money -- it's basically like, okay, you'd have to win the power ball to get to this amount of wealth later on. Why are you voting for this tax policy? Well, what's wrong with you?
[00:21:10] When I was in college and saving money for retirement, people thought I was crazy. They were rolling their eyes. They'd be like, "Why can't you go out? What do you mean you have to invest for retirement?" They were convinced they'd be rich because they are going to be a doctor. They don't need to save until they were a practicing physician. I guarantee you those knuckleheads are having financial problems right now. In my business, my last business, my business partners were super shortsighted in how they invested and saved. It was ludicrous. They'd spend and spend and pay insane amounts of taxes on income to go buy shoes and crap and go on vacation and go out instead of delaying their compensation for later because they were convinced they'd be making a ton more money in the future, and now that I've split with them, sales and revenues are on the way down and things aren't looking up for them at all, obviously. Meanwhile, I've been saving since college and I could retire in a few years if I wanted to, while they have almost nothing in the bank.
[00:22:00] The reason this is important isn't just because I relish any chance to mock my former business partners for being dipshits. No --
Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:06] But you do.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:07] But I do, but I do. It's important because when you're in a business, you're legally business married, you're joined legally to someone, and if they make bad decisions financially, you're almost just as much of a dipshit as they are because you share in the consequences of those decisions. So the longer you stay in a mess like that, the more of a dipshit you are. So I'm signing up for that label. You got to make darn sure that you're on the same page about retirement, investing as a percentage of income, and what sort of budget you'll need to live on before kids, after the first kid, and the second kid, et cetera because these things change as you move to a new house, you move to another city, move to a new location. What you want to avoid is being with somebody who decides that if they make more money, that they can spend more money. Okay, fine. You can, but it should only be a percentage of the increase in income, a percentage of the increase, not the entire increase in income. If your budget and lifestyle grow at the same rate as your income, you'll end up saving what you need based on your previous, more conservative lifestyle budget, and you'll outspend your retirement, which is obviously really bad news. So does that make sense? Right. You need to increase the budget for your retirement if you're like, "Well, we're now spending this much money because of kids, but when they're gone, we're still going to end up spending this to maintain the house and go on these vacations and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." You have to budget for that because if you budget in your 20s for retirement, you're like, "Yeah, we're going to need X thousand dollars by then." But then you double or triple your spending when you retire, you're going to have to cut back so far you might not be able to do it. That's not good. So in other words, is your lifestyle increases, your retirement savings should also increase proportionally or you are screwed. You've got to make sure your partner's cool with that and isn't just paying lip service to saving and investing. Or it's not like, "Yeah, you save and I'll keep spending and you saved for both of us." Like that's not going to work unless you plan that out.
[00:24:03] Outside of money where you live is really important. I live in the Bay Area. Jen's family's up here. It's a great place, but I went into this relationship knowing that I'd be buying some of the most expensive real estate in the world, or at least in the country, paying taxes out the nose because California, I had to be okay with that. If your fiancee's from Germany or something, don't tell her you might be okay moving out there sometime when the only thing you know about Germany is they have Oktoberfest and techno or whatever. You need to have a real honest discussion about where you're going to live for how long. Yes, you can change your mind, but I think if you write this down and you might even find there's some disagreements because the last thing you want is to end up in a situation where you guys have kids. She gets pregnant and she's like, "Yep, I want to live in Brazil near my parents. And I've decided that I'm going to be totally miserable if I don't and I'm going to make you miserable too or leave you or something." You could have avoided that. Yes, again, you can change your mind, surprises happen, but if she's like, "Yeah, I've always wanted to move back home as soon as I got pregnant." You're like, "I just got a promotion out in Denver." "What the hell?" That's bad news. Totally avoidable in most cases.
[00:25:08] As far as kids and careers. I'm lumping these two together because this answer's gone on for a long time already. And also because these two things tend to be very strongly interlinked for couples that have kids. You need to decide how many kids you like and be very honest about this. If you don't want kids and she really does, big problem. If you really want kids, and she really does, but she wants five and you want two, big problem. Don't agree to something thinking the other person will eventually change their mind later or you'll worry about that when you cross that bridge when you come to it. Betting that someone is going to think differently later is a bad bet most of the time. Be as honest as possible. And if you're on the fence or thinking you don't want kids, say that and stick to it, even if you think you might lose the relationship as a result. It's tough, but the world has enough people stuck with kids and the resentment that comes with somebody having a child that they don't want. It's something that can severely damage the child and the rest of the entire family. It's just not worth fibbing on this one.
[00:26:07] Also, you need to realistically decide if someone's going to stay at home with the kids. If they are, decide who that would be and for how long, and make damn sure that they're okay with that and they're not going to resent you for it or resent the family for it. Also, you need to be realistic in that. If you have three kids, you're probably going to be paying more for childcare than one of you is making, and it may simply not make financial sense for both of you to work. This will also dramatically alter your budgeting and your finances. I've seen a lot of families that think they can have three to five kids. They can both work as lawyers because they got this great income and they're just somehow not going to be totally miserable and exhausted at the end of the day while nannies do the parenting for them. To each his own but this seems like a miserable existence to me. And you'll want to honestly evaluate your and your spouse's, your fiancee's appetite for this.
[00:26:56] And in case you're wondering what I'm doing, Jen works with me as you all probably know. We have one child who is five months old right now. We have helped during the week, and Jen's aunt comes over for four to six hours. If we have another kid though, which we're planning to do at some point in the near future, whoosh, Jen is likely only going to put in a couple of hours per week, if that. And I'll be putting together a healthy budget in terms of the salary just to hire someone to step up and replace what she does in the business, what she's able to do right now, and that's going to be probably a six-figure role here in the company. So I'm going to have another kid, which is expensive and have to hire someone else to do what Jen is doing, which of course is going to also be expensive. So we have to budget for this. Not only have we already budgeted for this but our entire work from home lifestyle has been designed around us having two or maybe a maximum of three kids and spending loads of time with them. We're building a house next to her brother, my brother-in-law and 15 minutes away from her parents because we know we can't do it all ourselves out here in California, and we don't want to spend a million dollars on nannies over the next decade and change. We're very fortunate that podcasting is so hot right now, and we've made some good decisions both in the past about money and in business, but all of this has been meticulously planned and still requires some decent luck to pull it off.
[00:28:14] So get to work, write this stuff down, do the math, be damn honest with both yourselves and with one another. A problem solved, avoided, circumvented or planned for now is worth a lot of money and headache and heartache later on down the line for both you and your partner and your future children. I should probably write an article about this because I think I basically just did, but many blessings for you and your family in the future, my friend.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:41] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:45] This episode is sponsored in part by Undercover Tourist. If you like theme parks and honestly, especially if you don't like theme parks, you'll really appreciate these guys because planning a vacation is hard work can be overwhelming. I know you want to save money, you want to save time. You're thinking spring break, vacation, maybe you're planning a trip to Disney for the first time I was going to take my son, but Jen is really the one that wants to go, and I found out about Undercover Tourist. If you're planning a trip to Disney or Universal, you need to know about these guys. You can save up to 85 bucks on Disney World tickets. Save up to 120 bucks on Disneyland tickets, 150 on Universal, and 183 bucks on SeaWorld Orlando tickets. They have attractions everywhere, even ski lift tickets. So if you're going to Vail, Keystone, Tahoe, it's hassle-free. Email or physical tickets, these are the same tickets you get at the theme parks. They're not some sort of weird like here's seven catches where you can't use it. You can also skip the lines that the gate goes straight to the rides. You pay what you see on the site. There are no hidden fees. The taxes included 90-day ticket returns, so as long as that, of course, makes sense. Friendly, knowledgeable agents and they've got really good discounts and bundles. They've been around for 20-plus years and have an a-plus rating from the Better Business Bureau. You can't really beat that. This is not like your fly-by-night clearance amusement park tickets. Undercover Tourist really is the trusted name for a theme park tickets. Jason, tell them where they can find a deal on their tickets.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:14] Start planning your next theme park vacation now by visiting undercovertourist.com/jordan. That's an additional discount using JORDAN on top of the big savings already offered through Undercover Tourist. That's undercovertourist.com/jordan.
[Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:30] This episode is also sponsored by Verishop. This is a great online shopping site that guarantees you're not going to get some fake counterfeit designer stuff, which is a huge problem online. Verishop is a new online shopping site. Tons of brands from home decor, beauty and wellness, women's and men's fashion. Everything is a free one-day shipping and free returns. There's no membership fee. There's no minimum purchase required. Their team will source every single item from more than 300 brands from all over the world, so there's no chance of counterfeit stuff, fake stuff -- Vince., Levi's, Deadwood. Home decor brands like Boll & Branch, Staub, and Smeg and beauty and grooming products like Oribe, Blind Barber, all that stuff in one place. Premium shopping experience, great representatives, 24/7 by phone, text, or email, and you can pay overtime if you need to. Jason
Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:17] Shop at Verishop for the fastest free shipping out there, and with our promo code JORDAN15, new Verishop customers can take 15 percent off the first purchase to try it out, just go to verishop.com and use our code JORDAN15. That's V-E-R-I-S-H-O-P.com with the code JORDAN15 for 15 percent off your first purchase. Exclusions apply.
[00:31:39] After the show today, you'll hear a clip from The Adam Carolla Show, also here on PodcastOne. Every day, Adam Corolla is joined by amazing guests as he shares his thoughts on current events, relationships, airport security, specialty pizzas, politics, and anything else he can rant about endlessly here. Most of you have probably heard of Adam before as well. After you check out the post-show clip here, be sure to check out The Adam Carolla Show on PodcastOne, Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening right now.
[00:32:07] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going and keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:24] Next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:25] Hi Jordan. I'm an American who moved to Geneva, Switzerland a year ago because my wife had an incredible job offer here that was too good to pass up. In the US, I had worked in sales, but because they speak French here and my French then was non-existent, I couldn't easily transition to a sales role. I decided to get my master's degree in a more technical field since I was looking for a career change anyway and also learn French. I've been happy here in Switzerland though I feel I could be happy almost anywhere. My wife, however, hasn't adapted as much to the culture. It's very quiet and reserved. Stores close earlier. There's less to do and she doesn't want to learn French. So for months, we were planning a move back to the states when I finished my degree, which happened last month, so I was focusing my attention in leads in New York City. However, around November, she had a change of heart and decided she wanted to stay here since she's not ready to leave her job, even though she doesn't like Geneva, so I transitioned to my focus to opportunities here. For the last few weeks, she's been urging me to apply for jobs in London where she went to school, but also she frequently speaks about wanting to move back to her hometown in South America to be closer to her family when we decided to have kids in a few years. This is frustrating because ultimately I would like to stay in one place since I've already moved to six different states and countries in 12 years. I don't really care where, but I would like us to stay in one place, buy a home, build a local network of friends, advance our careers, and simply have long-term plans without the uncertainty of where we'll live looming over our heads. I've communicated this and she understands, but she isn't at peace with any decision. In the meantime, I'm focusing on job opportunities here, but how can my wife and I come to a decision of where to settle down and have her be at peace with the decision? Thank you. Ready to Settle, Nomad.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:07] Hmm, sounds like something else might be going on here. It smells a little bit like escapism. Your wife wants to keep moving because the grass is always greener. It's possible she's just an adventurous soul and likes variety, but at some point, you guys need to set down roots and grow a life for yourselves, as you suggested. And if this seems to be a pattern from her, and that's kind of what it looks like from your letter. This really does sound like escapism, which is an indication that there might be a deeper lack of fulfillment or unhappiness that's going on with her. It actually might be something that's not even conscious with her, and it's worth exploring with a therapist. Go to betterhelp.com/jordan. If you guys need to find remote English speaking therapists for this even, you know, of course, it's all online, so you can do it from Switzerland. I've moved a ton as well. There's nothing wrong with exploring the world and taking opportunities, but if one person is happily doing this and the other kind of isn't happy doing this, then this needs to be communicated. There needs to be a real sit down with pros and cons because it sounds like the moving is taking a toll on both of you and taking a toll on your relationship. It's certainly going to take a toll on your career too if you're not careful.
[00:35:15] Also having a therapist input will make it easier to have these sorts of conversations without one party feeling blamed or having fingers pointed at them. And even if things do get stressful or get heated, you can always get through it and then just blame the therapist once the decision is made and at least you'll have made up your mind about where to live.
[00:35:32] So best of luck, you've got a few adventures ahead of you, and I don't blame you for wanting to set down some roots and stay in one place at least for a little while. Let us know where you end up. Last but not least.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:42] Dear Jen, Jordan, and Jason, I'm a successful, moderately attractive woman by society's standards, with friends and hobbies, but I have a growing problem. I get constant, unwanted attention from men. It goes beyond getting catcalled daily. I dread simple conversations with men because they'll inevitably say, "You're so pretty, or, "You're so sweet," et cetera, which makes me uncomfortable. I also can't seem to hang on to male friendships once they realize I'm not interested in dating and or sleeping with them. I've even had three stalkers, one of which I'd never even spoken to. I had to stop seeing certain doctors who would compliment my looks. Unfortunately, the men who approach me are either emotionally abusive, narcissist, or approval needing attention seekers or some combo of the two. I've also noticed it starting to impact my ability to have friendships with other women. For example, when a guy there in two talks to me. But the worst part of all this is that I'm demisexual and nobody can seem to grasp the concept of a strong, beautiful woman who's largely put off by sex. Is it possible to wade through all of this and find someone I'm actually compatible with, or is this just a curse I'm going to have to accept it for being conventionally beautiful? Sincerely, Accidental Heartbreaker
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:54] Well, wow, wow, I'm so beautiful my life is so hard. Well, I'm kidding, of course. I know that's what some people are thinking here, but I'm messing with you. I think the problem is that that's what some people hear. When you try and share this problem, hence my hilarious joke about this, but I do feel for you here. Honestly, first off, I think unwanted attention from men often in ways that are not appropriate is pretty common. Guys just can't help themselves, even though some of what you're saying has happened, especially with the doctors that so cringe and inappropriate. What a weird. thing to do if you're a doctor, like "What are you thinking?" Being approached by narcissists and stalkers is also fairly standard, I think, for many women, unfortunately, especially in the age of the Internet and dating apps and everything. I do understand why this affects your friendships with women and jealousy runs rampant with many people, both male and female.
[00:37:44] The demisexual thing is new. I had to Google this and ask some therapist friends about this. For the rest of us, a demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen, but by no means confined to romantic relationships. So someone demisexual might come across as prude or strange in some ways when it comes to relationships because the sexual attraction to others is very fleeting. Relationships are really never about the booty. And while this might seem like an advantage to some people, I can see why this makes your dating life much more complicated than normal.
[00:38:20] The good news is that you can, of course, find somebody that you're compatible with. In fact. Your path with dating will largely be like most of the rest of us, you'll just have many more relationships start off as friendships as opposed to swiping right on Tinder or getting hit up on Bumble or whatever. As for being conventionally beautiful, congrats on that curse. It's probably not helping but at least you can enjoy the confidence and occasional free appetizer that comes with it. Being attractive doesn't have to be all about dating. I'm married, I don't care about dating at all, but of course, it still wants some status that comes with being physically attractive. Who doesn't want that? Your looks can still be an advantage, and the unwanted attention is unfortunately, I think, pretty universal, especially for women. And it's just as bad for women who are not demisexual as it is for you. You may see fewer advantages to it, and that may indeed be true, but I think anyone who has to switch doctors because of unwanted attention would say that sexuality has very little to do with it and more to do with the fact that that guy is a weirdo.
[00:39:19] In your situation. I'd simply dig in, realize your future relationships will be rooted more strongly in emotional connection and rooted and friendship more than most people who meet and have immediate chemistry. And while this may complicate things early on, it will probably make your long-term relationships that much stronger.
[00:39:37] Life Pro Tip of the Week. Instead of spending a day shopping, spend a day cleaning out your closet. First of all, it doesn't take a day. It takes a few hours. Depending on how big your closet is, I suppose. You'll find clothes you didn't realize you had. You'll rediscover old favorites you thought you'd lost. Plus it's free and all this stuff you don't like, you can donate and get rid of and make room for new stuff. I see a lot of people shopping and obviously we're all guilty of this. You buy new stuff, you throw it in the closet three years later, like, "Oh yeah. This." You don't have to do that. You can just go to the closet and skip the middle man. Skip the middle man that takes your credit card. Jason, what are you recommend this week? You've been watching some stuff
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:12] I recommend the Wrong Man, it's on Starz and Season Two is coming out now. I saw the billboards and I'm like, "What's that show?" And then I looked it up and it originally aired in 2018 on Starz. And it is a series about a team of experts, reinvestigating cases of three inmates who have been locked up for decades and claim they're innocent. And I didn't know about it, but I kind of dig that sort of thing. I'm a huge fan of the innocence project and you know, it terrifies me sometimes to think that people are in jail for something they didn't do. So this kind of clicked with me and we watched the first two episodes last night and it's amazing. It's amazing. The second two are with somebody who may have heard of a guy named Curtis Flowers who is now out on bail because of this show and a podcast. And you know, it's just people who are just trying to get to the truth. I'll tell you what, man. In the first one, they found the cop who actually put the guy away and they found the informant, his testimony was key. And the guy basically completely recanted on camera, took a polygraph, which what we kind of know is bunk, but he took the polygraph. But he also made an affidavit saying, "Yeah, the cop told me to say this." And so that case is ongoing. Now. They've got a new defense attorney for them. It's pretty fascinating. Like the lengths, these guys are going to get people out of jail who are probably innocent. It's an awesome watch. I highly recommend if you can check out the old episodes on Starz, the First Season, like I said, six episodes and the new season is coming very soon.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:42] Yikes. Wow. That whole false conviction thing is frigging terrifying.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:45] Dude, I've had nightmares about that. I'm like, "I didn't do it." "Well, you're going to jail anyway." I'm like, "I don't want to go to jail." Unless I'm going with Jordan on his birthday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:54] That's right. That's right. Yes. One exception. Exactly. Yeah. That stuff freaks me out. It's just a nightmare fuel and happens all the time. Augh, man, the worst.
[00:42:03] Hope you all enjoyed the episode. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout outs to Amanda Milligan for helping Jen with the prison Facebook group and arranging pre-prison gatherings like escape game, local brewery dinner, et cetera. We are at max capacity for the prison. If you're dying to go email me at email@example.com. We'll see if we can squeeze you in, but it's kind of down to the wire here because you got to do a background check.
[00:42:29] Go back and check out the guests, Shaka Senghor and BJ Fogg. If you haven't yet, if you want to know how my network includes all these superstars, I am teaching you how to network. I'm teaching you how to do it for free. It's for personal and for business, so if you think you don't need it, well you're wrong. The number one mistake I see people make is doing this later or not doing it at all. Got to dig the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships, you're way too late. The drills take a few minutes per day. Ignore it at your own peril, jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at Jordan harbinger.com/youtube. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:07] You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the Internet and who's to blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That's Grumpy Old Geeks, and we've got a whole slew of new guest hosts coming on so. It's getting interesting over there. So check it out. Grumpy Old Geeks.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:23] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. This episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keeps sending in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. And yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. Very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
Adam Carolla: [00:44:03] We have the widest of all things, which is the Veggie Wash. We're like --
Bryan Bishop: [00:44:08] I don't even know what this.
Adam Carolla: [00:44:09] Oh my God, pull me up a picture, Max. You know it works because there are drawings of happy vegetables on it.
Gina Grad: [00:44:15] Right, they're smiling.
Adam Carolla: [00:44:17] So it's just science but you're like, wash your apple, then spray it with Veggie Wash, and then you wash it, then you rinse it again and then -- yeah, it's eight bucks.
Gina Grad: [00:44:27] Sure.
Bryan Bishop: [00:44:28] And then whenever you ever heard like, "Hey, how did Bert's uncle die? Oh, dirty veggies.
Adam Carolla: [00:44:32] He got hold of an apple. He rinsed it with municipal water.
Bryan Bishop: [00:44:35] No.
Adam Carolla: [00:44:36] Yeah.
Bryan Bishop: [00:44:37] Was he suicidal?
Adam Carolla: [00:44:38] He didn't make it five feet from the sink. He would write down; he didn't make it to the pantry.
Bryan Bishop: [00:44:44] He just caved in.
Adam Carolla: [00:44:45] What happened was --
Bryan Bishop: [00:44:47] That's how Prince died. Wait, we saw Chernobyl, right?
Adam Carolla: [00:44:50] Yeah, he was doing, he was cleaning some pots and he yawned and a little overspray got onto his tongue. It just dropped him like a Nazi-war general at the Hague. He just dropped them.
Bryan Bishop [00:45:02] He was two weeks from retiring when he had that apple.
Adam Carolla [00:45:06] No, I told him, you've got to go to the mountains and get the stream water. Wait until the glaciers melt. I told him. He wouldn't do it. He wouldn't do it.
Bryan Bishop: [00:45:16] That poor man.
Adam Carolla: [00:45:17] The funny thing is it's about every two and a half months, I just unscrew the cap and I top it off with tap water, the Veggie Wash bottle, and then they screw it back on, and then I set it back just where it was.
Bryan Bishop: [00:45:31] Are you out of your fucking mind?
Adam Carolla: [00:45:32] We've been using the same bottle for four years.
Bryan Bishop: [00:45:35] These microphones are on. Dustin, would you cut that out. You better cut this out because the divorce is going to be spectacular. It will be evidence.
Adam Carolla: [00:45:43] Your chance will be on the stand and they'll be like, "Who would you rather be with?" And they will point at mom because like he was trying to poison us for four years.
Bryan Bishop: [00:45:553] With Veggie wash.
Adam Carolla: [00:45:54] That's not going to ever be confused with the spray --
Gina Grad: [00:45:557] The pesticide.
Adam Carolla: [00:45:58] No, that stuff you use on your clothing.
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