263: How Can I Win Back My Spouse’s Respect? | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How Can I Win Back My Spouse's Respect? | Feedback Friday (Episode 263)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

[00:00:19] In this week, we had Mubin Shaikh. This is an interesting one, Jason. This guy, he was originally kind of a radical Muslim guy. He goes to Syria, lives over there, and then he’s like, “I don't really like the society that they've built over here,” and comes back and ends up foiling the September eleventh of Canada. He infiltrated this whole group kind of a crazy story, so him and I got along pretty well, really interesting guy. Great story.

[00:00:44] And we had T.I., Tip Harris. He is one of the hip-hop legends. I don't even know how else to put it. I was originally like wait the whatever you like guy and I thought that was kind of a fun one because when I got pitched this originally, I thought okay. What are we going to do here? But whenever you get somebody that's that iconic on the show, It just ends up being a funny conversation because we're in two different universes and trying to sort of reach across and make some sort of connection here.

[00:01:10] I also write every so often on the blog. We've got lots of articles up there, deep dive topics. Anything we've done a deep dive on usually comes from an article and then we've got our little rants on there that are designed to help you get better at things, so intuition and why you shouldn't listen to it, and debunking a lot of hype. That's what I like to do in those articles wherever possible. Those are at jordanharbinger.com/articles.

[00:01:32] Of course our primary mission on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests’ insights and our own experiences and insights along to you. So, we like to have real conversations directly with you and that's what we do on every Friday here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. A lot of you have been writing me recently just to say hi and I appreciate that. I do get back to everyone. So, if you haven't heard from me, yes, it's because I'm buried in email because I'm also buried in dirty diapers, but I do love hearing from you and you can always reach me directly jordan@jordanharbinger.com. But please send your questions for Fridays to friday@jordanharbinger.com. It helps me keep my inbox which as you can imagine looks a little bit like Chernobyl and the surrounding area. It helps me keep that in order.

[00:02:14] By the way, as you know, I'm going to prison for my 40th birthday and then hopefully, coming back out after that, but I'm inviting you to go in and come back out with me. It's outside Reno, Nevada. We're going to be volunteering and interacting with the inmates there and teaching them things like job interview skills. Don't worry if you don't know any of that stuff, we'll figure out a place for you. You're going to obviously be interacting a lot with all of us, with all the inmates. It's a blast. I mean a lot of these guys are really smart. They have really good business ideas. They're on their way out of the prison and we're going to sort of help them with some skills. They're all graduating from an educational program. So it's not just like you're not just walking into prison and it's like see you at lunch. We've got an agenda and that agenda is to have you have a life-changing experience while interacting with some of these guys that are in there. You can join me for this. I'm not sure exactly how much it's going to cost you. It's going to be a donation to the charity. We're probably going to fly into Reno, February 25th, going on the 26th, and I'm trying to arrange some other fun stuff afterwards. Maybe I will go to the Tesla Gigafactory. I don't know. I shouldn't even throw that out there because I don't want to get anybody's hopes up, but there's going to be something going on, hopefully. It'll probably be, I don't know, 1,200 bucks plus travel. Email me prison@jordanharbinger.com. So friday@jordanharbinger for questions, on jordan@jordanharbinger to say hello, and prison@jordanharbinger if you want to be added to our interest list to go to prison early 2020, and that's going to be a fun experience. I've got a hundred spots, I think. And there's a couple several hundred people on the interest list. So just shoot me a message if you don't want to miss out. Get into jail-free card, well not quite free. Anyway—

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:59] I’m going to say that's not really free.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:00] Get into jail, not free and then come out free. How's that? You get to come out for free, you just pay to get in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:10] Hello, Jordan and Jason. I recently had a revelation that my wife of two years together for five has zero respect for me. It hit me when we were out in public at some bars with friends. She'd gone to the restroom and hadn't returned for some time. I went to check on her and I found her talking to a group of strangers at the bar. And when I approached instead of introducing me to the group as her husband, she showed me the palm of her hand, and condescendingly told me to wait as if I was her child or annoying sibling. After the ensuing argument I pondered this in a lot of other interactions and I'm beginning to think that the issue is a lack of respect. On a daily basis, I'm reminded by her how to do basic tasks and criticized for every minor mistake I make. I've also noticed that she never values my advice. If she has a question about something –no matter how confident my answer is— she'll always ask someone else afterward as if she doesn't value or believe my answer. I work hard and have a good job that supports our family on my income alone. I help out around the house probably more than your average husband, and I'm going to school to further my education and job opportunities even more. I'm a bit of a silly nerdy guy and always have been and I can't help but think that's the only reason she doesn't respect me as a man. I've always been a nice unselfish guy and I find it hard to walk the line between being a pushover and being an asshole. She even brings this up at times. For example, if we're out eating when our waitress makes a minor mistake, but I don't feel like saying anything about it, she'll point it out to me. These all seem like signs of no respect would you agree. And if so, what can cause this and do you have any advice for me can respect be regained after it's lost. Thanks guys. Disrespected and Despondent.

[00:05:50] Yikes, this one is ugly because it does sound like she does not respect you. There's different reasons that could possibly be it sounds to be just at first glance like you to have different definitions of masculinity, maybe different definitions of a man's role in the relationship, or maybe those roles have shifted which is very normal. This does happen when you're together for a long time. It's very, very normal not this particular type of treatment, but that roles are shifting, that's normal. She's got a different definition of a man's role in most likely, maybe you were more like that in the beginning of the relationship or maybe not. She was attracted to you in the first place and that's worth exploring. Why is that for example? What do you think that was? If she were to tell you what it was, what would it be. She might not necessarily even know like this is a little bit more of a subconscious kind of thing.

[00:06:40] My guess here…I am imputing a lot of different details that we did not get in the letter here, so take this with a grain of salt this particular bit here. When I see this happening and when I have seen this happening in the past, a lot of times women who have dated guys that were maybe a little abusive, maybe a little bit controlling in the past, they will then have a pendulum shift to a guy that's very safe. You might be very nice, very safe for her but now she's pushing the boundaries because we don't necessarily seek out safety, we seek out the familiar. If we have a troubled past, or maybe her father was a certain way, her parents were a certain way, we seek out the familiar in relationship. So, she might have done that and then had a pendulum shift to you, but now she's pushing the boundaries because she's like, “Well I'm seeking the familiar again.” Again, this is all subconscious. She's not going to sit down and go, “Oh I'm seeking to go back to my old familiar ways where my household was unstable.” Again, I have no evidence for this in the letter. I've just seen this a lot in these types of situations where these are the circumstances.

[00:07:44] Some of which she's doing may actually be testing you –testing the boundaries of the relationship— but then the problem of course that arises if you overcompensate and you really push back on this then you're being an a-hole and if you sort of magically guess what she wants you to do –the appropriate response and then you do it— you're not really being yourself inside marriage either. So, you'd have to work really hard only to essentially be playing a character or a role inside your marriage that might not be healthy for either of you. So that's no win right now and it doesn't have to stay that way.

[00:08:17] I would get a marriage and family therapist. I know that I recommend therapy all the time, but there's a reason for that. If she says no to that, you need to still set a boundary and keep it. I think that there's a likelihood that she will respect you kind of pushing the issue here forcing the issue even of going to see a marriage therapist because it shows that you care and also she might think, “Well, we don't really need this,“ but obviously you do because there's major discord in your relationship. If you don't fix this your marriage will disintegrate and you will resent each other. The good news is she probably wants to fix things and actually doesn't know how to go about it. If she really doesn't want to be with you, she would likely be more apathetic than disrespectful. Now that's not always the case. A lot of times couples that have a lot of animosity become more apathetic besides give up on reconciling. You don't want to get that far. You never really know a lot of people are afraid to go to therapy because they're afraid of what they might dredge up. That it might be time to call it quits, not necessarily for you, but for people in therapy. People don't want to hear that so they putz around, and they fight each other, and they make everyone miserable for three more years, but that's not a good strategy either.

[00:09:24] This is something you'll need to fix now or discover now instead of waiting for it to blindside you. It's funny because we're often blindsided by things we actually saw before. We just decided to stop looking at them. And that's a problem. You don't want to do that, especially in this relationship, so best of luck. This isn't an easy situation, but it might be something that you can salvage and in fact coming out the other side might make your marriage even stronger. Only though if you attack the problem now and you approach it as a team and you do so with some qualified help rather than just some vague promises to one another. Keep in touch for sure. I'm curious to see how this goes and I'm rooting for you. I think we're all rooting for you. Nobody wants to see a marriage dissolve over what is likely a shift in roles that can easily be survived and adapted to. You just have to get to it early and you have to make a concerted effort to do so, so keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

[00:10:15] All right, Jason what else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:17] Hello, J-cubed. I'm a freshman engineering student. And I find the class is very enjoyable. The content and teachers are both great. Also, there are lots of great activities here that I'm enjoying. That being said, I don't want college to be spoiled by having a poor social life. I'm rooming with a very sociable friend who can fit into any group and always exudes fun and positive energy. However, I'm not the same way. Too much socializing tires me out and leaves me with a short fuse. This has resulted in me getting infuriated by never getting the opportunity to be by myself and I vented this anger towards the people on my floor mainly in passive ways, like ignoring them in the hallway and pretending like I didn't hear them. Although in my defense, there have been a couple occasions where I've been deliberately provoked. How can I overcome my aversion to social interactions so that it doesn't make things awkward on my floor and I don't miss out on fun opportunities? Also, once people have fixed in their minds and impression of you being an unfriendly person, is it possible to change it? Thanks for everything you do. Signed, Introvert in Distress.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:20] Well, I've got some good news for you, man. There's new research new-ish from Susan Cain who wrote the book Quiet that explains why introverts connect better. And I love this because you no longer –we no longer as a fellow introvert—have a medical excuse to be quiet or not socialize or not give talks or not network, things like that that introverts supposedly can't do, turns out that's just not the case. Introversion really means you need me-time to recover. I'm with you. I often need people to just stop talking to me, leave me alone, let me go for a walk, let me go read. I spend most of my days reading, writing, and walking outside while listening to audiobooks or at the gym, even though I work from home with my wife. I need plenty of time me-time to recover because I have a lot of other input, but I'm also a social person. I know this because I've learned to balance these skills over the years so. Introversion really means that you're going to have a better ability to connect with other folks, you listen to other people when they speak, you’re more emotionally aware. That's typically true with introverts. This is Susan Cain's research from her book as well by the way where introverts aren't people who are socially inept. They're people who need me-time to recover but they actually perceive others better than –on the whole better— than extroverts do because they're paying closer attention. In a way introversion is actually as social superpower, it's just that you need to keep recovering and filling up that tank. You can't just use it all the time. So, knowing this about yourself is hugely important. Realizing that you understand that it's not an inability to be social and that you are just going to eventually run out of fuel to put on a happy face around other folks. That's a huge realization. It took me until I was mid-30s really to get it. I just thought well sometimes I'm really cranky other times. I feel like I need 17 drinks to go socialize. That's not good for you and it turns out it's not true. Sometimes you just need me-time, you don't another drink.

[00:13:13] Make sure you know where you can go be alone at school. If it's not your dorm room because you got a roommate and everyone's always in your room all the time, you can have a conversation with your roommate and say like, “Look, would you mind hanging out in the other guy's room like I sometimes I need to just sit here and relax.” I understand not wanting to be kind of the wet blanket like, “Hey guys, can everybody leave. I need some me-time.” I get it not wanting to do that in college. Maybe if you can't use your room, go to the gym, put on some noise cancelling headphones or some AirPods. Go to the gym. Just work out by yourself. Go for walks. Listen to stuff on your phone. That's what I spent again. I spend the majority of my day, some days walking outside and listening to stuff on my phone and studying and doing prep that way. You can also study at the stacks and library. Now if your university is large, you probably have a huge library and that means that there are all kinds of nooks and crannies and desks and quiet rooms and bookshelf areas that you can go to and there's just nobody there and probably nobody's yammering away on their phone because they'll get yelled at by the other people who are hiding in the little corners. Those things are open until at…University of Michigan 20 years ago, they were open until two, four o'clock in the morning. It’s probably 24 Hours by now. So, you can always go there. You need to realize that it's your sort of duty to retreat. It's not everybody's duty to leave you alone when you live in crowded social circumstances, like a university.

[00:14:35] Be extra careful not to be unfriendly when people see you or when you see them and that's kind of some obvious advice. Remember, they don't know your internal state or how you feel. They're just going to judge that book by the cover. So, make sure you learn to –and I've can't believe I'm recommending this but you got to do it anyway— if you need to learn to fake politeness, even when you have had it just like the rest of us introverts, go ahead. I mean there's plenty of time where somebody 's 8:30 PM 9:45 PM and someone's like, “Jordan Harbinger, good to see you, “ and I'm going up the elevator to my hotel room. I might say, “Hey good to see you. Man, I am beat from a long day. How about you?” You know, I'll throw it back on them. Let them talk. You can't, it's an elevator ride. It's not that long and then you say, ”I'll see you tomorrow in the morning when I've got a little bit more energy.” They will understand if you phrase it like that. If you just pretend you don't see them in your staring at your phone and they say, “Oh, hey, Jordan what's going on?” And I'm like, “Gee, I'm just looking at my phone.” That comes across as extremely rude of course. So, remember, you're the one who has to take control of your boundaries, but you want to do so in a way that's a little bit more transparent.

[00:15:38] So as for recovering your reputation, I'd recommend when you see people you tell something like –this is just a normal day when you guys are all having a drink or something like that or hanging out—say, “Look guys, by the way, if I've ever come across as unfriendly, I assure you that's not the case my deal I get really stressed out sometimes and it's all I can think about so if I don't hear you in the hallway or it seems like I ignored you, I'm usually just in my own head and worried about something. I'm ruminating about something that's not personal. I'm not blocking you out on purpose.” Even though you kind of are sometimes, you're doing it because you need to recover. I think this is an okay story that most people will understand. Also don't bother trying to explain. “Well, I'm an introvert, so I'm just going to need more me-time to recover and blah, blah.” They're just going to glaze over and stop listening. If they're not sure what you're talking about, no one's going to have a clue. And I recommend that you do this one-on-one, not to a whole big group, groups tend to have one or two idiots. You're going to be like, “Whatever, bro. Don't be a loser,” and then try to make everyone laugh.

[00:16:38] One-on one will be easier and it will encourage the guys, your friends –the guys and gals whatever you're dealing with— to be more vulnerable and connect with you as well. You'll probably get a few people saying something like, “No worries. Yeah, I get like that too sometimes, especially when I'm tired or late at night and you know, I used to be shy in high school.” That kind of stuff, you'll hear that and you'll realize you have more in common with these folks. Even though sometimes as an introvert, it seems like we’re the only introvert, half the time everyone else is faking it too. There's one extrovert and they're leading the charge. This isn't the end of the world being a fellow introvert. I think I'm an INTJ. But I don't really believe in personality test, that's a whole different show, being a fellow introvert, I know that managing that is just as important as managing any other health concern. You've got to hit the gym. You've got to get enough sleep and you've got to get time alone. It's almost like if you're diabetic, you monitor your blood sugar. You've just got to stay on top of how much fuel is left in your social tank. Otherwise, you're going to start throwing off those bad vibes that are going to damage your reputation long term and you don't want that. So, make sure you're paying attention to it and don't feel bad about feeling that way because let me tell you as an adult, you still have that it might even get worse, but you can change your level of energy for social interaction like I have and it becomes fun. But don't get me wrong after four, five, six hours whatever i is on my best day, I go home and I don't want to talk to anybody.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:57] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:01] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.

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[00:20:25] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes, your podcast player of choice, it really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now, let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:50] Okay, Jason what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:52] Hey, J Squad. I've been with an airline for seven years now, and I'm in my second role with the company, social media customer service. I applied for a new role with the company that sort of bridge the job I'm in now with my previous role at the airport itself. While I no longer had airport security clearance or an airport license, I expressed in the interview that I could get those credentials all over again should I be hired. The interviewer like that I had done a shadowing of the job previously and someone I used to work with heard I applied and spoke very highly of me. I thought everything overall went really well and waited nearly four weeks for a verdict on the job. In the meantime. I had a monthly one-on-one meeting with one of my supervisors that was great as usual and I took that opportunity to tell her that I'd applied and was getting antsy. She offered to proactively put in a word with a new department to help me transition as they'd be reaching out to her anyways if I was accepted. Two days later, I got an email stating that I had not been accepted and someone else was. Was this a bad move on my part? Did my supervisor have sabotage this in some way? Or could another supervisor have withheld me in some capacity? I'd heard talk of the other supervisor inhibiting advancement in the past, but I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or assume the worst. I've emailed the person who interviewed me to ask what I can improve on next time or for a future role as I was really looking forward to joining their team. But do you guys suggest I asked of you what my supervisor sent them in an e-mail or is that out of bounds? Sincerely, Thought I had it in the Bag.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:19] Yeah, so you're definitely not going to get to see what your supervisor said. That would inhibit your future honest references. And also, it's kind of like that person probably has known your supervisor for a while. They're higher up in the same company. And you're coming in going, “Hey, I want to see what this person who's my current boss said to the boss of my new position or the position I wanted.” I mean, I'm not trying to make fun of you, but that's probably the worst idea that you could possibly have for right now.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:45] You’re going to undermine both levels because it's going to get back to your current supervisor and they're going to be like, “This guy's checking up on me, “ and the other supervisors like, “I never want to work with this guy because he obviously doesn't trust his supervisor.”

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:55] Yeah, just not good. I totally get why you would want to see that but it's never going to happen and asking will actually damage your reputation. You'll never know how they made their decision that's by design. Most people even when they make their decision for a very good reason, they don't want to go, “You know, I made this decision because Shelley's really bubbly and nice and Jonathan is kind of a downer.” Nobody even wants to put that in because then later on it's like, “Oh, well, he chose her because he likes her personality, “ and then that gets transmitted…They're just going to say. “Yeah, we had a discussion and honestly, they probably don't even want to know.” The new supervisor was probably like, “Should I hire this guy?” And the other person says, “I need them for a few more months,” and they went, “Okay fair enough.” Or they said, “I wouldn't do that right now,” and I went, “Okay. They didn't go, “Oh why? Oh, he's doing this this this and this.” Unless they really want you, they don't want to know, they don't want to get their hands dirty. This is a corporation, especially an airline with a union. They definitely don't want to get mixed up in anything. You'll never know how they made their decision. You have to come to terms with that.

[00:23:58] And do you not getting the new position, it could be a coincidence. They could have taken a while to go through and evaluate, and they could have found somebody else, and you just happen to talk to your existing supervisor, and then he found out later you didn't get the job. It could easily just be a coincidence of timing. I would ask for how you can improve and what would make you more qualified and competitive next time. That's something you can actually do something about. “Hey, how can I improve? What would make me more qualified next time? Oh, well, honestly, we chose someone who had a lot more experience in XYZ. So, we didn't think we had that but it turns out we did,” or ”We chose someone who's a little bit older because everybody else in that department was a little bit older and we would love to have you join us pretty soon,” or “We only had funding for one position. You are number two on the list.” You just never know. They might not even get that specific with you, but you can ask for some advice. Just bear in mind that they might say, “Nothing. I mean, you're just qualified enough, you know, we just chose somebody else.” You have to leave it there.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:51] “We just don't like people who wear Patchouli to work every day. That's why you weren't hired.:” It could be something simple as that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:55] It could be. You know what and that's a very true thing. I've definitely when I've interviewed for certain positions. If they're wearing smelly perfume, I won't hire them. People in the company previously have said I can't believe it and I thought no I don't want to smell that all day. “Oh, we'll just tell her not to wear it.” You really want me to say you're not allowed to wear that anymore and then when they come in and they have it on. I mean, it's a whole thing. Of course, you're going to smell it. So, no, yeah, I've definitely not hired somebody for those reasons or for equally what you might consider trivial reasons. It's also possible your supervisor wanted to retain you and then asked them not to give you the job or it's possible she's a smack talker. Again, you'll never really know unfortunately not unless you have some Insider who can get you the truth. I don't think telling your existing boss you were going to go someplace else would normally be a bad move. It's not like you're leaving the company. But if you're looking to move in the future, I'd make sure you get a reference from the supervisor that you've got a better connection to. Yu can also get a reference and have it sent over now. So that later when you need a reference, it's already there. Right? The cats out of the bag. You don't have to signal or give them a heads up that you are going to be leaving or reapplying to that position. It could really be anything. You don't know what happened here. There's no reason to let it change anything you're doing. If it happens again though, it might be time to look for an outside role because if it happens again, your supervisor might be sabotaging you for some reason and it won't really matter what that reason is. You just can't keep the same job with the same pay grade at the same company forever just because somebody likes you where you are and it's going to inhibit your upward mobility. You can't sit around for that. So, this one might be coincidence. If it happens again or you get word that they are sabotaging you, yeah, get out of there. Nobody should have a boss that sabotaging them. It's just not worth of distress. Sorry to hear about this man. Okay, Jason, next step.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:44] Dear J-cubed, I'm a thirty-year-old single mom. I have a well-paying job, no debt and a substantial savings account. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who I adore. He's amazing with my daughter, treats me wonderfully and we have so much fun together. However, he's a bit of a late bloomer. He's my age but only just getting started in his career. Well, I've been working in my profession for over eight years. I like to think that I'm an independent woman who doesn't need a man to take care of me. However, I don't like the idea of me taking care of a grown man. He's on the right track, but is only just getting started in his first real adult job with benefits and a retirement plan et cetera. Right now, I pay for most date nights in other non-essential expenses, which I'm okay with while he gets his financial footing. He's also new to having his own insurance and benefits and hasn't really taken any initiative to figuring that out. He hasn't established himself with a doctor and has said that he wants me to help him because he doesn't know what to do. How do I tactfully approach the subject of finances in this situation, which I think can be fairly emasculating? How do I tell him to try to figure out this adulting stuff on his own? We have good communication and we're both very open about our situations and what we want out of a relationship. He's headed towards wanting to marry me and while I think he would be a wonderful husband in so many ways, I don't want to commit to a marriage until he's more independent. I don't mind shouldering more of the financial burden right now or helping him out. But long-term, I worry I would start to resent him for not pulling his own weight. We've talked about finances and healthcare and things like that but I feel like I'm parenting him. I want to be his girlfriend, maybe his wife someday. Just not his mom. Sincerely, Trying to Get My Man to Man Up.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:25] All right a couple of red flags here. It's okay. If he's a late bloomer that's fine. In fact, a lot of guys might seem that way to you because you're 30 and a single mom. So, you're basically more mature and more responsible than 99% of the rest of society because you have to be. By the way, big shout out to you and all the single moms out there. Now that I have a kid, I'm literally in awe at any single parent, mom or dad, because Jenny and I are just like how the hell do people do this with day jobs let alone if they are single. it's just crazy to me. I have a newfound level of respect for the single parent that I think only another parent can have.

[00:29:00] The issues I'm seeing here, not just that he's a late bloomer. I'm late in terms of figuring out just about everything myself. Hell, I've been doing this show for like 12 and a half years and I'm still just getting the hang of what I'm doing over here. The issue is that he's still playing this kid stuff where he's saying, “Oh, I'm not sure how to get a doctor. I need your help doing it.” Now if he said, “Man, I've never had Insurance. What's my next move? Okay. I've got to get a doctor. All right. Let me look one up here.” That's fine asking for advice. That's fine. But what I'm hearing is him pulling the old, “Gee, I don't know how this works. Can you do it for me?” That's the old trick, oldest trick in the book. I had a college roommate like this who didn't know how to boil water and he would tell us he didn't know how to boil water so that we would end up making him macaroni and cheese. It Happened one time. I remember our other sort of housemate, Christian, being like, “Well you turn this on, you fill it up with water, and then when it boils, you dumped in the noodles.” And so of course when it boiled, he was like, “Wait, what do I do now that it's boiling,” and that guy would dump the noodles. “Okay. Now what do I do?” “You dump it in the strainer.” I mean, it was just pathetic. It was pathetic and it cost him a lot of relationships because after the first time you kind of go. Oh, I get it, this is his game that he does like with his mom. So that she'll do it for him and were 22 now. It's just pathetic.

[00:30:15] I'm not saying this is a deal-breaker, but he needs to know that you're onto him and that doing things he doesn't want to do or know how to do is part of being an adult and he might snap out of this if you enforce that. You also cannot enable this BS. If he asks for help with making, tell him to Google it. There's a YouTube video for this. It also doesn't mean you can't tell him how Insurance works, but it does mean you don't have to drive him to the doctor after you look one up for yourself on the website and make his appointment for him et cetera. Don't mother him. Don't mother him and he won't ask you to be okay. As for marriage et cetera, I'd say wait until he's on more stable ground, not just financially but he needs to grow up. Some guys just don't do that. And if he locks you in for marriage, congrats, you just adopted a child, a man-child.

[00:31:00] You're worried about talking about finances and adult stuff without emasculating him. I get it. That's very nice of you and yes, it can be emasculating, but if you do this in a respectful way that it will be fine. Here's the thing, if it's not fine –you went about this in a respectful way, you brought it up— you're worried that it's not going to be fine, that to me signals that you know, maybe he's going to feel emasculated by this. Maybe he does react negatively in these kinds of situations. That’s bad. If he gets emotional even though you're not talking down to him or deliberately making him feel emasculated, then that's on him and it's a bit of a flag if someone reacts emotionally to something like this. It may be another manipulative tactic. “Oh, I'm going to get mad when she asks me to be responsible and say that I feel emasculated then she won't ask me to do that, and then I'll just have her do this stuff for me.” Yes, he might be insecure about it, but it doesn't mean that you have to tiptoe around all of his emotions and all of his insecurities and all the stuff, he can't do all the time. That's also part of being an adult. Conversations like this happen a lot more when you're married. And so, if he isn't up to that, he's not up to getting married either. So, how he reacts to you bringing up this subject and the other subjects is actually a good test of whether or not you're in a relationship with the right person or not.

[00:32:14] So I would say bring this up and see how he reacts. This topic and other topics like it are going to be a good indicator if this person is a good partner or if they're just going to keep trying to manipulate you into being his mom. He may not want a partner. He may want a mother and going through things like this and his ability to adapt to the relationship are going to show you whether or not he's a good partner and has any interest in that at all in the first place.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:38] Yeah, I think, by the time they get married they have to be on equal footing and this guy definitely needs to step up and start adulting like an adult.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:46] As I ask my wife in the Slack chat if she can drive me somewhere but to be fair, she needs the car.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:55] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

[00:32:58] This episode is sponsored in part by Ship. So, Jen and I have been together for seven years. We have a baby now. So, when I got a pitch for a dating app, I was like, “Do you guys know why that might be a hang-up?” So, there's a new app called Ship that we can both actually use because Ship lets you swipe for your friends, which is hilarious and also kind of evil and really fun. So, if you're single you invite a group of friends to join your crew, they help you find matches, you’re in like a little chat group thing on the app, you can see who's swiping on which people, and have a good laugh about that. You can see who they're picking versus who you're picking. So, it's like the whole living vicariously but the app is enabled and the chat is hilarious. I mean, it is absolutely ridiculous. We can help craft the intro message in there. It's funny, too. Jen picks the versus who I pick for like my brother-in-law, for example, Jen's a lot judger than I am and reads into every picture in every word in the profile and I'm just kind of swiping, playing hot or not, because I'm a dude and that's kind of how this works. It was really funny to see the difference and it actually has informed a little bit about our own relationship. Jason, tell them where to get the ship.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:10] Finding a date is more fun, if you do it with friends. Download Ship, the dating app that lets you swipe with friends. That’s S-H-I-P. Search for Ship dating in the App Store and start swiping today.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:21] This episode is also sponsored by NetSuite. If you don't know your numbers, you don't know your business. We use NetSuite for a while here in a few of my companies. The problem growing businesses have that keeps everybody from knowing their numbers. You got a dashboard for accounting, you got a dashboard for sales, you got a dashboard for inventory if you're lucky. Or you're just keeping a bunch of spreadsheets and they're not reconciled takes up a lot of time, you end up with a lot of mistakes, especially mistakes that can hurt the bottom line. So, NetSuite by Oracle is cloud software that gives you visibility, gives you control and gives you frankly the visibility that you need to grow. With NetSuite, you can save a lot of money, definitely a lot of time, and a lot of unneeded headaches. Managing sales, finance, accounting, orders, HR from your desktop also on your phone, which is phenomenal and they've got a free guide Seven Key Strategies to grow your profits. This is something that might sound a little bit like hokey, but I will tell you this stuff I wish I knew in the beginning of running a business, instead of you know decade and change in. So, you can find that guide at netsuite.com/jordan. That's netsuite.com/jordan and check that out and trust me there's stuff in there, there's insights in there that I wish I had a decade ago.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:37] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers helps keep us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deal. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:53] Okay, what else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:55] Hey J&J, I'm from Iraq. Because of the phenomenal internet, we are exposed to many cultures online. A year ago, my mentality has changed dramatically. I threw away most of my Eastern beliefs. I've been having difficulties or hard situations considering the fact that my mentality now has been shaped by Western culture, which has caused me many problems. For instance, if you want to have a relationship here the girl immediately thinks about getting engaged. I'm 25 years old and I can't bear all the consequences of engagement or marriage. I like having relationships but not getting engaged. It's a huge burden. Should I travel abroad, I have not collected sufficient money yet or should I put up with it and how? Thank you so much for your help. Best regards, A Western Guy in an Eastern Culture.

[00:36:40] Well, this is fascinating.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:42] Yeah, this is super interesting and I think it's pretty damn cool that people are listening in Iraq. There's something special about that. That's for sure. I figured the downloads we got from there were westerners working in Iraq and not necessarily Iraqi people. So that's really great. Welcome to the show. I always encourage travel and everything if you can work and save money, that's great. Do it and expand your horizons even further. If you can't do that right now, then you do need to put up with the local dominant culture and I know you said you threw away all your Eastern beliefs. I wouldn't throw everything out. I mean your culture for sure has a lot of things that you probably are going to get value from as an adult. So, I wouldn't throw it all away, especially for the Western culture you've seen on the internet. You can liberalize and sort of expand your horizons and adopt things that we have over here, but you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to your own culture. In fact, as you become more of an adult and family ties get stronger and things like that, you may actually want to bring some of your old culture back into your life. I'm just throwing that out there. I know that's probably not the cool guy answer, but that's my real answer right now.

[00:37:48] Now if you can't travel. Again, aren't there other people who think like you over in Iraq? There have to be, especially in the larger cities, moving to a big city will probably be a lot easier, and more affordable than traveling and living abroad and starting a new life overseas. That's what a lot of people do when I grew up in Michigan, I was like there's more for me out there. What am I going to do? I got a job in New York City. Then I moved to Los Angeles then I moved to San Francisco. I moved there but I didn't have to move to like, you know, London or Berlin. You do need to find people with similar values to your own travel is a good way to do that. I often find that I have values more consistent with let's say Europeans or Americans that live in big cities than I do with people elsewhere, and yet I also have plenty in common with Americans from small. You have to decide which set of values apply most to you right now and to who you want to be later on. If you really want to be sort of cosmopolitan, move to a big city for sure and you will start to adopt those values. If you're dating and messing around you need to be in a culture and surroundings where you can explore that. Head for the big city until you get sick of it or until you get this out of your system if that's what happens. Or move abroad and assimilate into a different culture entirely, which is a spicier meatball. There's a lot more going on there.

[00:39:03] One of the greatest things about modern society is that we are so mobile and we can adopt different cultures and values. So definitely take advantage of that but it doesn't mean that you have to leave Iraq and not essentially practice anything that you've learned growing up. It might be a little bit more traumatizing than you think. You might find similar folks in a circle in Baghdad for example. I really don't know how much opportunity is for you in Iraq, or how much opportunity you have to travel outside of it to the west, but I wish you luck. And wherever you go and whatever you do, man and keep in touch. Thanks for the note. Okay, last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:37] Hello all. I'm trying to dig my well, but I feel like my network consists of a lot of young people and most of them don't seem to have much to offer since they're very new in their career. I'm 26. So that's about the average age of most of my connections. Should I still work on this younger network or should I try to build an older Network while maintaining the one I currently have? I'll be moving to a different state in two months and I'll have the opportunity to build my network more. I'm just not sure what my focus should be. Thanks for all the great informational podcasts. Sincerely, Designing my Demographic.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:08] The answer here is do both. You don't have to choose one demographic or the other. You can do both because networking is scalable. What we teach you had Six-Minute Networking is you're doing a few texts per day. You're doing a few emails each day. You're doing some longer stuff each week. This is stuff you can do again six minutes a day. And if you're not in the Six-Minute Networking class, check out jordanharbinger.com/course. That's where you can find it. It's free. It's not that there's no upsell know that BS. The networking stuff is scalable. You don't have to go, I can only keep in touch with 30 people –should I choose the younger ones or the older ones— It's not how it works. Young people are going to be around longer. They are going to be in the career in the industry longer. They might be on the edge of the technology, innovating in the space, and that type of thing. Older people, they're further along in their career. They have a little bit more clout. They are more experienced. You can learn a lot from them as well. There's no reason to pick one versus the other, you should really be doing both. Having young and old in your network actually puts you in a great position, a unique position, because you'll be able to connect people from those two worlds on a regular basis, which is a really strong advantage. So, you might say, “Well, I've been working with this team of older folks in the marketing department and they're asking about social media. So, let me connect with a couple of the younger people on the team here and help them wrap their mind around,” or “The young people are asking how to get ahead in their career, let's set up some mentor groups with these older people that I know” that kind of thing. It's a very unique position. Not only should you not choose one versus the other but you should always add diversity to your network because that diversity alone is a major value-add. So, it's not just a question as to whether you should go deeper in a network or broad in terms of who is in your network, it’s that you need to do both because with networking the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

[00:41:55] Life Pro Tip is from a listener. He said, “Jordan, I listen to the show and you mentioned something with business cards. So, I wanted to share my life hack. I printed a QR code that contains my info in vCard format on the back of my phone.” So, essentially all this data is in the QR code. It's offline. You don't need the internet. You can generate these QR codes online by the way, and maybe we can link to that in the show notes. Jason or Bob, we can find an online QR code generator for vCard. He says, “Then when I want to give someone my business card, they just need to point their iPhone camera at the QR code and they're offered to import my contact info this way. They already have my contact and they do not need to type in all the data plus I make sure that I'm saving their connections with all my info, the correct email and the business title and I don't need business cards.” I love this idea, Jason. This is really cool. I would love to get the QR code in my Apple wallet or in an app somehow so I don't have to have a QR sticker on the back of my iPhone if anyone knows how to do that, I'd love to hear about it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:51] Well, fortunately, you have a tech guy on the phone with you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:54] There you go.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:55] So generate the QR code and just save it as an image into Apple Notes. You can put it into a folder so it's easy to get to, and then just pop it up and they can scan it straight from your screen. It goes really quick.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:05] Cool. Where can I generate these codes?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:06] We will have a link in the show notes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:08] Great. Too bad I can't put it as like a wallet pass, you know.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:12] It's easier just open Notes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:13] Yeah, that's true.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:14] In my Apple Notes. I've got every reward card and anything with a QR code or a barcode, and I just keep them in Apple Notes in a codes folder, and I just pop it up and hold my phone over the scanner like at Ralphs or wherever.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:29] That's cool.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:29] I just put a QR code in there, too.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:31] There's an app I have called Stocard where you can add like anything into it like CVS cards and stuff and it puts him into the wallet. And it also will tell you if there's like a deal for your cards, which is kind of cool. It'll be like, “Oh you saved, two for one.” But yeah, I see if you already have these images [00:43:46]. That's cool. But I think this updates them somehow with the companies.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:53] See I have apps for most of them like CVS and Ralphs said because they'll have digital coupons that you have to enable on the app. So, it's like my Ralphs ones like I go in when I get an email like 4x gas points this week. So, I go in and anything that I'm going to buy, they've already got coupons for so I just have to tap on it when I go shopping and it automatically adds them to it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:10] Yeah, that's a good idea. There you go. Cool.

[00:44:12] Recommendation of the Week. Jason, this one's all you right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:15] Inside Bill's Brain: Decoding Bill Gates. I thought this was a fascinating documentary and it just came out of nowhere. I watch this with my roommate who's like maybe two years younger than Bill and not a techie and she loved it. She really loved it. It's only three episodes long, about an hour each and it goes through different projects that Bill is working on to try and make the world a better place. It's got Warren Buffett in it, and they talk about the history of Microsoft, where Bill comes from, how he met his wife, and all sorts of crazy things that you'd never have known. And the filmmaker Davis Guggenheim spent two years with Bill, doing this documentary. There's actually a link in the show notes to a podcast that Davis did over on The Verge –that's worth checking out— because he talks about the behind-the-scenes. But if you want to learn more about Bill Gates, this is a great documentary and I was never a huge Bill Gates fan. I was always Team Jobs and Team Apple, and I always thought Bill was kind of just too nerdy for school, well he is actually way smarter than I gave him credit for. He's just a fascinating dude, so I highly recommend checking out this documentary.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:27] Well, yeah, of course, that totally makes sense. Right? Like this is one of the geniuses of our time. What I love about him is he's got that giving pledge where all these old billionaires are not just going to die with a bunch of trust fund money for their grandkids. 

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:40] Right. Yeah, that's the whole thing, the whole Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and they got Warren Buffett in and everybody's trying to give a lot of money to it. The projects, he's looking for a toilet for third world countries that can run on like solar power so they don't need to have plumbing and can actually power itself. The one that I'm really, really sad that didn't get made yet and hopefully, it will someday they've completely reengineered nuclear reactors. They actually used waste fuel instead of new fuel to power themselves. But the whole thing with Fukushima happened, and then this whole thing with Trump and the China deal happened, and screwed up their entire plan, but the plans are in place to build a safe-nuclear reactor to basically power everything. I hope they’ll really get this thing done at some point because it's just fascinating all the work that he puts in day in, day out to just push the human race forward.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:33] So that's on Netflix and we'll link to it in the show notes as well. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. If you want to go to prison, email me prison@jordanharbinger.com. We’d love to have you. It's just an interest list for now, so if you're interested, that's how you get on the list.

[00:46:49] Quick shout out to Konnor who said he's using Six-Minute Networking and is just blown away. He's used the resources and the show to get a job that he loves at a corporate superpower in his area as a contractor. Two job opportunities that have come unsolicited and just never thought that would happen without Six-Minute Networking and the show. So, thank you Konnor and everyone else. By the way, Six-Minute Networking is at jordanharbinger.com/course.

[00:47:12] Go back and check out the guests, Mubin Shaikh and T.I. Tip Harris if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I manage to book all these great guests and manage relationships, well, it's about systems and it's about tiny habits, be like Konnor, check out Six-Minute Networking at jordanharbinger.com/course. And don't kick the can down the road, don't put it off. Procrastination leads to stagnation when it comes to your personal and professional network. This is the stuff I wish I knew 20 years ago. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews over to jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:46] You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show and if you’re a podcaster, check out The Club. It’s basically a place for podcasters hang out and ask questions and do demos and stuff like that. That's at club.podcast.school.co. Free and open to everyone.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:02] This show is created in association with PodcastOne and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, and show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own and yes, I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipeline. I’m very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Brian Deegan: [00:48:42] What's up? Brian Deegan here. I'm excited to bring you our podcast, The Deegans. That will be every Wednesday on PodcastOne and Apple podcast. We’ll be covering many subjects such as racing, family, how we stay together, how we thrive as a family. So, I think, it's exciting. We're going to cover all those subjects and many more.

Hailie Deegan: [00:49:02] Be sure you guys check out our new podcast, The Deegans, airing every Wednesday on PodcastOne and on Apple podcast. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review.