281: My Wife Thinks I’m Hiding Money | Feedback Friday

Transcript for My Wife Thinks I'm Hiding Money | Feedback Friday (Episode 281)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On the Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

[00:00:19] This week we had Dennis Quaid talking about his storied career as one of Hollywood's most well-known personalities, as well as how he accesses his emotions and his acting. We also had Dr. Sarah Hill discussing how hormones and birth control pills can actually change our personality as well as cause serious problems when making major life decisions around our career and marriage. This was fascinating and both men and women should go check that one out. I also write every so often on the blog at jordanharbinger.com/articles; lots of more writing coming soon as well. So make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything we created for you this week.

[00:00:55] Of course, our primary mission here on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests' and our own experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I just want to place one brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's what this podcast is all about. You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:01:18] I'm going to prison for my birthday. You've heard this before if you've heard the show, February 26th. It's going to be under a thousand bucks plus travel and lodging. I'd love to have you join me. It's an educational program for the inmates. It's going to be a blast. This is their graduation, February 26th, 2020. If you want more details, email prison@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:01:38] In the meantime, I'm off to Bhutan, the least visited country in the world. I'm going to take a little mancation to Asia, but that comes after this. So Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:48] Hey guys. I was at the grocery store the other day just when people were getting out of work. I stood in the checkout line for almost 20 minutes and there were maybe 10 to 12 people behind me by the time I made it to the front of the line. There was one person being checked out in front of me. All of a sudden from the back, I heard someone say, "Excuse me, would you mind if I cut in front of you? I've got my son in the car and I had no idea the lines would be this long, and I've got to get back to him. Please, could I? Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Excuse me!" On and on until she got to me. I also had a long day. I had things to do, too. I just felt like her poor planning was not my problem. If I had had all the time in the world and hadn't just had a long day at work and wanted to get home to my own kids, sure, go ahead. But I wanted to get home. So I said, "Sorry, but I'll be fast." She said, "What? Why not?" And I explained, "I don't have to explain my life to you. Because I was here. That's enough of a reason." The people behind me started making a fuss and saying, "Let her through! Her kid is waiting!" I said, "How do you know I don't have a kid waiting?" And I got a lot of comments, including, "You're an asshole, you know that?" The checkout guy was also very cold to me. I know the nice thing would have been to let her through but does not going out of my way to be nice to her make me some kind of jerk? The more I thought about it, the more I realize it's a story I'd be embarrassed to tell my mother, and that's usually never a good sign. So, unbiased, what do you guys think? Thanks, No Cuts.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:06] Okay. First off, she should not have left her kid in the car unless he's old enough to wait in the dang car.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:12] Seriously.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:13] You know what I mean? Look, come on.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:15] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:15] If he's four or something, he shouldn't be in the car alone at all. And if he's 10, then he could wait 15 minutes for Mom to wait in line. Now I get it. Things happen. Even if this sounds like poor planning, maybe I'll eat these words when I'm older and I've got my 10-year-old kid in the car, but I don't know. For now. It sounds a bit entitled of her to expect everyone to let her in front. Additionally, since you said no, she should've just waited behind you instead of arguing, she already cut 15 spots ahead. What's the big deal about waiting two minutes while you check out? That's the thing that makes me think she's done this before. And expect this type of treatment everywhere.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:49] Bingo! Yup. That's exactly what I thought. I bet there's not even a kid in the car.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:53] Yeah. Possibly not even a kid in the car or she's like, "Oh, I can just leave my kids in the car and then go tell everyone I have kids in the car and they have to let me upfront. That's my trick now." By the way, it's actually illegal to leave a child unintended in a car in many states in the US. So assuming that everyone will let you cut in line is literally entitlement. She put you on the spot by asking why. It's nobody else's business, honestly. Look, we have a civilized method for being helped and checking out of an establishment. It's called a line. It's called a queue. You get in it, you wait for everyone else to finish, and if somebody asks you to get in front, you can say yes or you can say no. But whatever sort of excuse they have does not automatically require you to allow this. Also next time, just tell them you really have to go to the bathroom.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:38] That's funny. I was going to say the same thing. I'm like, "Yeah, you can go in front of me, but I'm going to pee on the back of your leg because I really got to go."

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:44] Yeah. Or if you got a lot of guts, just be like, "No, I have to poop."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:47] Yup.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:48] Because if you do that, nobody's going to ask to cut because we've all had to go to the bathroom. Number one or number two, everyone knows how urgent that is. Plus then she looks like the a-hole for making you announce to the entire store that you have to poop.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:01] Yup.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:02] So I think that's the move. That's the weapon. Look, this is a possible exception here, flight. On the one hand, everyone else got there two hours early. They didn't, but we don't know the reason why. And the consequences would be having to pay for a new flight, screwing up a business trip, screwing up a meeting, screwing up a vacation. It's just got to be the rarest of a-holes who make a habit out of being late for every flight and then expecting everyone else to let them cut in line. I'm sure it happens, but I feel like for flights if someone's like, "Excuse me, I'm going to miss my flight." I'm just like, "Okay, fine." But if I'm at the grocery store, what possible urgency could there be? That is not your own fault. I'm open to hearing it, but I'm not necessarily going to say yes if you're like, "Hey, um, I want to get home." Well, so do I.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:45] Yup.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:46] Because that's what you're really saying. My kids are in the car. "Oh, well, then I'll put your crap here and go get your kids. You irresponsible parents." That's what you do and look, I know I'm probably being a jerk and later on, I'm going to be like, "Oh man, I totally understand that woman now." But I kind of think this is her little game. I'm getting that feeling.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:04] I don't feel sorry for her at all. Actually the people behind you, you should have been pissed at for letting her cut to begin with.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:09] Yeah. I mean, I understand some people are nicer and honestly, I probably would let someone go if I'm not in a hurry, but there's just something about her being indignant about it later that makes me think this is her, her spiel.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:21] I also think that there's a mental model between the fact that these people were far enough back in line where they're like, and I've got a long time to wait anyway, but as you get closer to the checkout line, it becomes more real and the consequences are greater. So he's just like, "I'm next. Nobody's getting in front of me," which I think we've all experienced.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:38] That's a good point, right? If you're a number 11 or number 12 what's the big deal? But if you're next or you're not next. It's like, well wait a minute. Just wait for me to go. I was freaking next.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:48] Yeah, because the people at the end have not waited at all, the people at the front have waited the longest time. So it's going to be harder to cut in line as you get closer to the front because people have been there longer.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:58] How interesting. I hadn't ever thought about that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:00] Math baby math.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:01] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:03] Hi Jordan. My question is regarding salary negotiations. I started working for a multinational consulting company as a software engineer a year and a half ago. Initially, I negotiated a great salary with the techniques I learned from Alex Kouts and Ramit Sethi. I had a great relationship with my boss and our customer is very happy with how my team and I perform. I play a very big part in our success with my technical skills, but also with my soft skills and making the team perform and keeping up the team spirit. A few months ago, my boss left the company and my new boss basically took over our team in addition to the people he already had. I was planning on negotiating a salary increase after a little over a year. However, the new boss hasn't yet talked to me for longer than a few seconds. He might be very busy with the new situation and responsibility. I also feared that he doesn't know about our accomplishments and the big part I play in those. My strategy would have been to basically ask for a one-on-one meeting, talk about my contribution to and value to the company. It used the briefcase technique and ask for a salary increase but letting him make the first offer. Of course, as that would be the first longer one-on-one between him and me, I felt that it might not be appropriate and there should first be a getting to know each other meeting, but it's already been a few months and that hasn't happened yet and maybe even won't unless stuff starts going wrong. Should I still continue with my plan? How much salary increase per year is realistic or should I target for 5%, 10%, two and a half percent. How often should I go for an increase? Do you have a better plan? I already started out pretty high and it won't be that easy to get a matching salary somewhere else. I live in Switzerland, so there might be a cultural difference here regarding money in negotiations. Cheers, To Wait or To Negotiate That is The Question. PS, looking forward to the course with Alex Kouts.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:45] First before I forget, Alex Kouts, three-part negotiation series, Episode 70, 73, and 76 and Ramit Sethi Episode 199. Those will be linked in the show notes. You should go check those out if you want to revamp your negotiation, not just basics, but intermediate and advanced skills. Also, I really can't speak to the cultural differences in negotiation between Switzerland and the United States, so I'll leave that up to you. I've never worked in Switzerland. Maybe it's like Germany. Maybe it's not. I don't want to venture a guess. Yes, in an ideal world, you'd have a get to know you meeting with the boss and subordinates, but in this case, that has not happened also, that is 100% that boss's responsibility if he wants to get to know the team. It doesn't seem like that's happened either, so I wouldn't necessarily say that you're going to have to change your course of action just because your boss has talked to you for five seconds. That seems like poor leadership, frankly.

[00:09:35] Your plan is actually really good. You're going to show up, illustrate what you've done for the company, showcase milestones, certifications, recognition, et cetera. And then ask for a raise of either a certain percentage, usually 5% or so here in the United States, but that might vary for you. You don't need to let your boss make the first offer for a raise. You should come in with a concrete number for that. The first offer thing applies to salary negotiation when you first start, but not necessarily to every subsequent raise. Also, you should in the future plant that seed months before you're even in the room. You can make it known to your superiors that you're planning to ask for a raise at the performance review. Don't tell the whole stinking office, but plant the seed and I think next time Alex Kouts comes in, we'll do something about this. But generally, it should be double or triple the cost of living adjustment, which varies per city. If you're in Switzerland, who knows what that is, it's probably pretty high, so figure out what that usually is at the company or with then double or triple it.

[00:10:32] You should be getting this. Otherwise, you're just getting the cost of living adjustment. If that, which means you're doing better work each year because you're more experienced, but you're being paid the same as you were last year adjusted for inflation. Many people let this go for years, which means you're being underpaid much or most of the time. So I'll rephrase that because I think that might be a little confusing if you're getting a cost of living adjustment or less, and that's it each year, that means you're getting paid the same or less each year, but you're more experienced and therefore probably better at your job. And if you're letting that go for two or three years at a time, that means that most of the time you are being underpaid. That's not good. So you got to nip that in the bud and get ahead of it. And if you're way far behind in your salary, you need to negotiate a decent raise, or you need to go to another company. And then when you're doing your salary negotiation, start at a higher starting salary and then negotiate on a regular basis from there.

[00:11:28] But your plan sounds good and let us know how it goes. Preemptive congrats on the res. Premature congrats, but hopefully not. Okay, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:36] Hey Js, I have what I believe the advice industry calls a quality problem. Thanks to the two job jumps in the last year and the Alex Kouts episodes, I doubled my salary. So here's the problem. I have no idea how to fit into this new tax bracket. A year ago, I was at the comfortable side of the working class. Now I'm in the upper-middle-class/lower upper-class range. I know that the standard advice for these situations is to act like you belong here, but there are a lot of cultural differences between people who grew up poor and people who grew up middle and upper class that give me away. People tend to be aware of the social classes immediately above and below them and completely unaware of everyone else. For example, no one in my office has ever worked in a retail or manual labor job, so when I talk about some fairly common things that happen to low wage workers, I get a lot of horrified faces. Conversely, when they talk about the perks we have here or in other companies they've worked, I have a hard time believing that it's possible. Every day I feel like I'm at a fancy dinner and everyone is looking at me like a monster because I used the wrong fork for the salad. Any advice on how to rapidly assimilate to a different culture when everyone else doesn't realize that a different culture exists a couple of tax brackets down. Thanks for everything. Signed, Climbing The Social Ladder.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:50] Wow. Huge congrats man. That's a big deal. You know, negotiation series again -- Alex Kouts Episode 70, 73, 76 -- we'll link to those in the show notes. Let me tell you right now, nobody knows which damn fork to use for the salad. By the way, I do, but it's the fork that's on the outside, the leftmost fork. It should be slightly smaller than the entree fork, but that doesn't matter.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:09] Always from the outside in.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:10] That's right.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:11] That's the rule.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:12] The outside in. Eat from the outside in. That's where the spoon is on the other side and all that stuff. It does not matter though if you are not in Europe. We have terrible table manners here in the USA anyways, and unless you're eating with your freaking hands and it's not chicken wings or something like that, you're good to go. I know this is a silly example you're giving me here, but this is classic imposter syndrome, man. You're probably not being judged nearly as much as you think you are. And I do agree people tend to be more aware of the social classes above and beneath them. I also think you're right about people not knowing about the horrors of how people are treated in lower-wage jobs. That doesn't mean they're judging you though. Maybe it's just me, but I know a ton of people that are very well off and have done loads of manual labor from contractors to people who have put themselves through school to people who work on cars or aircraft as mechanics. Short of your average multimillionaire trust fund kid who's never worked a day in his life. I'm not sure most people judge people in your situation. Sure, there are snobs and a-holes, but those people are the exception and not the rule. And I think unless you're really working at a snobby place. That this is probably mostly in your head. It's a result of imposter syndrome, which is totally normal and a good sign that you're pushing yourself to grow outside your comfort zone.

[00:14:28] Where you should be careful is in assuming other people's intentions, doing a little mind reading and getting it wrong. For example, if Janice from accounting is giving you a look while you're telling a story and you're thinking, "Dang, Janice is such a jerk! How dare she judged me? Look at her, looking at me." And you get that wrong and she's not judging you at all. It might cause you to treat her and others differently, which could make you look like a jerk and that type of mistake will have much deeper consequences for your career than simply being the guy with calluses on his hands at the law office or whatever.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:00] Janice may just have to poop.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:02] Janice maybe had to go to the bathroom. Maybe she's zoned out. Maybe she's impressed by your work ethic. Maybe she doesn't think she could do that. Who knows? You don't know what's going on in her head. You don't know what's going on in anybody's head. You don't know what they're doing or saying. You have no idea. So stop assuming the worst. Congrats on all this success. You've got this. Just be aware. You're far more likely to get tripped up by your own imposter syndrome and your own personal narrative than you are to be sabotaged by any salad fork or other piece of cutlery.

[00:15:33] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:36] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:52] This episode is also sponsored by Better Help. I'm a huge fan of this company and this sponsor. Better Help online counseling is a great idea. This is therapy and counseling for the 21st century. Better Help offers licensed professional counselors who specialize in depression, stress, anxieties, sleeping, relationships, anger, trauma, family stuff, self-esteem, grief, everything. There's a long list, but people are complicated. Often we all have a bunch of these. You can get help at your own time and at your own pace. You don't have to make appointments and drive across town. You can schedule a secure video or phone sessions plus chat text with your therapist. It's safe, it's private, it's online. Do it from lunch hour in your car. You don't have to drive across all over the place and find parking. I love this, and you can always switch counselors if you need to. Jason, tell them where they can get some Better Help.

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[00:17:55] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals and if you'd be so kind to please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice, it really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:22] Okay, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:22] What up J's? My younger sister is 10 and isn't allowed to use Instagram by our parents for two reasons. A, she's not yet mature and old enough to handle Instagram on her own. I believe the recommended age is 13 and B, because of all the creepy DM requests. Despite that, I found her using Instagram, deeming a guy she met on TikTok, which he's allowed to use because of the funny videos. I'm worried about the fact that she has no knowledge of cybersecurity and the things that happen on the internet in general. Should I change her Instagram password and tell her that she'll receive the password once she turns 13? Sincerely, Dealing With Kids These Days.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:59] Well, I think there's a better way to handle it. It's really betraying her trust by locking her out and it doesn't exactly teach her the reasons why it could be dangerous to contact strangers on the internet. She may just create a new account that you're not aware of. If you sit down and you take the screenshots and the messages and explained to her what these people are doing or what they're trying to do and that you just want to keep her safe and how it would make you feel if anything ever happens to her. At this point, lock in the account, it's not going to stop her. She made the freaking thing. How hard is it going to be for her to make another account? Hide it a little better. All this is going to do is teach her how to lie better and how to hide stuff from you better if you do the whole because I said so thing, it's just not going to work. It's not going to work at that age.

[00:19:43] Honestly, maybe I'm a crap parent. We'll see. I would let her keep the account even though she's a little bit too young. I agree. Teach her how to be safe on the internet and tell her people lie all the time online and they will try to trick you into trusting them by telling you the same age, telling you they're somewhere close to the same age using fake pictures. They're going to befriend you and peer pressure you end up doing things that are just not okay. I would ask her to before talking to anybody online, just texted you about it, talk to you about it if she's not 100% sure that it's safe. She's going to eventually learn on her, on her own, how to behave online, what is safe and what's not on the internet, and how to handle herself online. But you really have to show her, look, the internet is a place of endless possibility. There's a lot of fun things on there. There are kind and wonderful people there. There's a lot of knowledge in there. But it can be very dangerous as well, and your parents should be working harder to clearly explain to her how to be safe online. This is an age where it's very natural to be curious about other people. Be hypersocial, be curious about the internet. Instead of locking her out, you got to ask her who she's DM'ing, what they're talking about, and just explain the dangers associated with people online.

[00:20:51] Jason, I don't know if this is something you've ever had experience with, but I remember when I was in high school, we had AOL primarily, and there was a guy on there that had all these pictures of like a pretty good looking dude, clearly just some model. You know, nowadays it'd be like some Abercrombie-type guy. And a lot of my female friends are like, "Oh, I'm talking to this guy, Drew." And another friend of mine was like, "Oh, I know Drew. Yeah, he's kind of cool, a little weird, but oh, he's so hot. He has six packs, all this stuff." And I remember they were like, "Let's go meet Drew. We've been talking with this guy Drew online." So we went to Blockbuster Video because why not? Why not put a time stamp on this thing? I go in to buy Twizzlers because I don't want to be like this weird dude who's kind of lurking when the girls want to go meet Drew. Well, it turns out Drew was like a 50-something-year-old, not model, who was like, "I'll give you $20 if you watch me jack off in the car." And they were like, "Ahh," and they ran away and came in and they're like, "Drew is outside. He's not who we think it is and we need to go now." And we basically just like hauled ass out of there.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:47] Good life lesson.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:48] Good life lesson. But these were high school age women in a public place. Talking on AOL. Imagine. I mean, now everyone's online, so every perv is on there and it's super creepy that any adult would talk to a 10-year-old. There's no such thing as an adult talking to a 10-year-old that is knowingly talking to a 10-year-old that has intentions that are normal. Like the second you find out someone online is 10, you're just like," Oh, I'm done." You should be able to tell earlier, but even if you couldn't, you just, that's it. Somebody who's like, "Oh, hey there. That's okay. We can be friends." That is weird.

[00:22:19] The problem with this is she's going to be more inclined to hide things from you if you don't explain to her what's going on. And she's just a prime victim for these creeps online. And I am so not looking forward to having these conversations with my own kids. Ugh, no!

Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:33] There are a couple of options here. With Instagram, you're technically not allowed to have an account for somebody that's under 13 years old. You can have an account if it is managed by a parent. And then on the profile, it says this account is managed by the parent, so there's a possibility here. You can talk to your parents and have them oversee the account, get the proper notifications on there. So if anybody does contact her, that is out of line, you have recourse to Instagram and say, "Hey, this guy's a skeez. Get him off of here." There's the other recourse where anybody can report an account that is obviously run by somebody that's under 13 years old and the account will be cut off. That's not what you're trying to do here. So I would maybe think about going the other route because then it will at least say, this person is under 13 years old. Also, check out, Be Internet Awesome from Google. It is a resource that they have where they help kids be safe and educate them on how the internet works. Definitely check those out, sit down with your sister, and go through that and just help her. Help her understand how these things are going but there are resources out there that'll be linked in the show notes as well. Be safe with her and just don't let her run hog-wild. Keep up on her. Keep tabs on her. If you're going to let her keep the account and keep it away from your parents, but if you're going to take that on, you need to take that on because if something happens that's on you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:55] Thanks, Jason. That's super useful. All right, next step.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:58] Jordan. I've been with my wife for three years. She's my first wife and I love her enormously. I'm her second husband though after her first husband passed away six years ago. She made it very clear early on in the relationship that she would always love husband, number one, but that it was a different type of love. She fell in love with me and we began a happy relationship without the ghost of her first husband. I'm more than happy to discuss husband one whenever she wants, and I don't generally feel second best, but I've started refusing to go to his grave with her partly because it just feels wrong. Like, "I'm with your wife now. Sorry man." But also because it really hurts to see my wife breaking down and blubbering about how much she misses him and wishes he was still around. It makes me feel like a bad consolation prize. She really wishes I'd go with her, but I refuse to go. What do you guys think? Thanks, Dealing With a Dead Ex.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:47] Wow. Okay, so this is kind of strange. Look, I totally understand why you don't want to go. And honestly, this seems like a private thing for her to do on her own. That said, she might also feel really vulnerable and alone going to the grave by herself. So I'm wondering if there's a happy medium here. Can you driver? Can you wait in the car? Can you be there for her when she's done? To be Frank, it seems like there's some unfinished business here and that she might need to process this with a grief counselor. Alternately, she is processing it and this is how. Death in the grieving process is terrible. It's difficult. And being in a position that you're in where this now-deceased person once filled that position, this is a brave slot for you. I can see why this is emotionally taxing for you as well. Know that while it feels that way sometimes, you're not a consolation prize. You're not a discount replacement for the ex-husband.

[00:25:42] She can love multiple people in deep, profound ways, very separately. She has not chosen her previous partner over you, and she has not necessarily chosen you over her previous partner. So it sounds like she took the time between his death and your relationship to heal a little bit and start this new chapter of her life. It sounds to me like you guys are happy otherwise, unless I'm getting this wrong, but there's some nostalgia from those previous chapters. That's this unfinished business that I'm talking about, and you're her husband. She needs support from you. He was the person she loved, but he's only in the past. Right? You're the present. You are the future. You are creating the future with her. It does sound like maybe some therapy for her, at least for her. Probably therapy for both of you so you can both air it out. You've got to air out what you're feeling here too. And I'm leaning towards therapy for both of you. And then maybe she continues after that. And I know there was a piece of this question that we cut out for brevity, but it basically indicated that she's not just going to see this grave like once a year or something. This is like a monthly thing, which is -- look, grief is tough, but that's a lot. That means there's something seriously kind of still left over. If she's breaking down at a grave once a month, there's more going on here and she really needs to process this in a healthy way. And you do too, man. Okay. What's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:59] Hi guys. My wife is 11 years my junior and still in the late-teenage phase of buying indiscriminately. She's 30 and doesn't put money away at all. We both have separate bank accounts. I pay for the main bills, like the mortgage, gas, electric car, et cetera. She pays for her car insurance, food, and that's about it. I manage a successful store and also have my own repair business. The repair business I have is set as a sole proprietorship and it has been since before I met her. I use Xero bookkeeping on my business laptop, which she uses at times, and she can see the amount in the bank. It irks her that she's not on the account and tells others that I'm hiding money. She absolutely loves to tell other people that I'm hiding money away and get people on her side. It just serves to piss me off. The issue arose from her boss. He was just diagnosed with cancer. He's trying to figure things out financially as to what happens if he's no longer around. His wife is not on his business. So what happens if he passes? It's a fair concern and I take what she says at what it is. I added her to my standard account, but not to my business account. Do you think it's a good idea to do so? Thanks, Don't Want To Cross The Streams.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:05] Well, this is a major value in trust issue. If she can't control the use of money, she should not be on any of your accounts, frankly, but she should certainly not be on your business account. The other major flag is that she's bringing your relationship drama to outsiders and airing your dirty laundry. That is very weird. Not cool at all. A very immature move, by the way. Discussing info that should be private with people who shouldn't have that info, lying to friends and family and to get them on her side. It sounds a little bit like maybe she cares more about money than she does about you. Now that's a bold statement, but a major red flags here. Also, if she can see your balances in your accounting software, the money's not hidden. It's just that she can't take it and spend it and waste it and do whatever she wants with it. That's a huge difference. You don't have a secret bank account. You have a business account that has separate finances in it for use by end for that business. Only people in management positions connected with the business should have access to the business account period. Period!

[00:28:07] If he's actually worried about what happens if you get hit by a truck, then make a will and a testament with a lawyer. You don't have to give people access to all your bank accounts and all your money at all times in order to be protected when you pass away. That is literally what wills and probate law are entirely for. We have a whole body of laws in the United States and in pretty much every country that is designed to help with that exact problem. And one note here, some of the way you're talking about your wife, it's a little infantile, and I'm going to chalk that up to you being frustrated here. If not, you should be aware of this language. If she's exposed to it, it's going to come across as really condescending and it's probably going to cause other problems in your relationship.

[00:29:48] My prescription here, financial advisor. for her to go over everything with you and your wife and go to the therapist for the trust issues. Even if it's something that you can't quite put your finger on with the trust, go to a therapist anyway. Keep your business account separate no matter what. I recommend betterhelp.com/jordan for the therapy if you want to dip your toes in that water, they're great for that. And if you want to let her see what's going on in there, but you don't want to give her access, you can use accounting software like Xero and she can have read-only access to it. That way the money's not hidden, but that's not really the problem. The problem here is a trust thing. xero.com/jordan for a month trial and 25% off the first three months. Xero X-E-R-O xero.com/jordan. It's great software. It will help you give her insight into what's going on, but you need to attack the other problems as well.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:40] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:43] This episode is sponsored in part by Stance Socks. I love these guys. I hunted these guys down to sponsor the show. I just love, love these socks. Do you remember when sock used to be like the worst thing you could get at Christmas? It was like fruitcake, socks, gift certificate to a restaurant you didn't like. And I think we've all gotten these and just have trauma like PTSD from getting black dress socks for Christmas. Well, times have changed because, over the last couple of years, Stance has completely changed the reputation of socks. They took this piece of apparel nobody cared about and made it something people can't stop talking about. Now the go-to gift for me and for you, if you want to make someone happy during the holidays. The first time I slid a pair of these on, I was like, "Wow, okay. What is going on, on my feet right now?" These are awesome socks. They're of high quality. The patterns are cool. I need these. I need to replace all my socks with these. I literally went out, donated all my existing socks and just grabbed more Stance. The quality is great. The designs are cool. They've got like NBA, baseball, Star Wars, The Office. Seinfeld, Elf, Step Brothers, Wu-Tang, Metallica. I'm not even kidding. They have everything and I don't know if you're like me, I hate holiday shopping, but this brand has made it kind of fun to send people their favorite thing on a sock. And the brand not only feels good on your feet, it makes your heart feel good too because they support socks for heroes, which sends fresh socks to deployed military that badly need them. They've got collabs that have raised money for clean water in Africa, California, wildfire victims. And they even are sending me to Asia with a suitcase full of socks for orphans in Bhutan. I'm going to Bhutan tomorrow, so I'm bringing a whole lot of cool socks for these orphans. They requested socks. That's how bad they need them over there. So you get a free pair of socks with your next order. Jason, tell them how they can get a deal on Stance and make a difference.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:29] All you have to do is go to stance.com/jordan. That's stance.com/jordan. I can't think of a better gift to get or give this holiday than Stance Socks. Take the guesswork out of holiday shopping. Stance makes gifting easy and everyone will be happy. stance.com/jordan for all your holiday needs and free socks with purchase.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:48] This episode is also sponsored by Teeter. So this may sound a little strange, but hanging upside down is a great way to decompress the back. Get rid of back pain, which I have a little bit, or I had in the past. It's called inversion therapy, and it uses gravity in your body weight to decompress your spine, release tension in your shoulders, your neck, and your joints. And decompressing on a Teeter inversion table for a few minutes a day is a great addition to anyone's daily routine, maintain a healthy spine and an active lifestyle without the pain. I've actually had some pinched nerves in my back and I've used these tables and you just go upside down for a few minutes and it almost kind of like shakes it out. It's hard to say. Now, obviously, you're going to want to consult a chiro or a doctor to see what's going on there, but if the problem is, "Gee, you sit too much and your spine is compressed, then you might want to look into this. Jason.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:19] This episode is also sponsored in part by CBS Smithsonian. Now, everything you thought you knew is ancient history. Introducing Smithsonian Channel plus. This is a new streaming service that presents history, mystery science, pop culture in a whole new light from the rise and fall of the Roman empire to the demise of the Titanic. From epic air disasters to the secrets behind King Tut's tomb. It's Smithsonian. It's legit. They have authentic, original programming reviewed and fact-checked for accuracy by the experts at the Smithsonian Institution. So that's important because I don't want to mention the competitors. That you might see a lot of history on, but some of it is bull crap. That's why they have shows about all this alien stuff where a stoner in a suit tells you that the pyramids were built by aliens, et cetera, et cetera. New programs are added weekly to watch anytime, anywhere, and look, if you want to learn something and then not find out later at a party that it's complete baloney, try Smithsonian Channel Plus. Let's just say it's the smart person's choice for learning and documentaries in history. Jason.

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[00:35:42] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbingercom/deals now. Back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:57] Okay, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:59] Hi, Jay's. My brother and dad live across the country. My boyfriend's parents rented an Airbnb in a state close to my family because they happened to also have family out there. The place they rented is bigger than we need, so they suggested I invite my brother and dad to spend the holiday with us, which I happily did. My brother is an alcoholic. He's had treatment, been to rehab twice and spoke to a few therapists, but never follows up with his care. He hasn't been to a therapist in nine months and unsurprisingly he's back to drinking again. He has an appointment with a mental health specialist to help him get back on track, but I don't think he'll be okay in time for Thanksgiving. I love my brother so much, but I'm angry with him. I'm mad about all he's put me through in the last five-plus years. I'm angry that I've never had the opportunity to confront him about it, and I'm angry that he doesn't take care of himself. I would love nothing more than to spend Thanksgiving with my brother, but I'm afraid if he comes that he's either going to sulk and be awkward the whole time because he can't drink with the rest of us, or he'll get drunk and embarrass the hell out of me. He's highly emotional and doesn't like telling people he can't drink. If he does get drunk, I won't even be able to kick him out because he's a 12-hour drive from home on top of this. I feel guilty to put my boyfriend's parents in this position. They know he doesn't drink, but they don't know he's an alcoholic. I honestly don't want them to come, but I know he'll be so hurt if I uninvite him. The last time I told him I wasn't comfortable with him tagging along, he ended up in the hospital with alcohol-induced cardiomyopathy. Should I tell him he can't come or should I just hope for the best? Sincerely, The Turkey has It Lucky.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:31] Oof. Be prepared for a shit storm of guilt. Personally, I'd consider having a serious heart-to-heart here. At least you can say, look, we tried to hash this out instead of just sort of pulling the plug right before the holiday. This is going to hurt your brother and he might start drinking more heavily because of it, but that is not your fault. He made the choice to stop following up on the treatment. He made the choice to do all this. Yes, it's an addiction. So there's the element of choice, and free will is a little different here. As his sibling, I think it's good that you're supporting your brother, but at some point, you have to let it go. You have to let this go. And that point at which you have to let go is when it's hurting you more than it's helping him. And it's up to you to decide if you've reached that point. It's not up to anybody else. It's not up to your boyfriend or his family, or your brother or any of your family. This is up to you alone. If it helps, you can try to find some sort of middle ground here. I would talk to him directly, of course, call them up, express your concerns, lay it out on the line and see how he responds and you can go from there. I would also talk to your boyfriend's parents. Explain the situation. I'm so teetering on this. You can maybe ask if they'd be willing to keep it dry for your brother. If not, have a backup plan for if few drinks. Look into hotel rooms you could book the last minute or something like that. Just have an idea of how you'll handle everything if he does come. And I already feel weird saying this because I hate the idea of having to change everybody else's holiday around your brother because he's not in treatment. It just sounds so awful. And you said he hasn't drank in months, so he's making an effort and I see his part too. How crummy would it be to have been clean for months and months and now your efforts, not only are not recognized, but you're being uninvited from an event full of your family, people who are supposed to support you.

[00:39:14] In the end though, I do think you need to speak with him about this. You can uninvite him if you want. Just be prepared. There's going to be some backlash and consequences and you're in just such a tough position because if you invite him, he could cause a huge mess for you and your boyfriend's family. And if you don't, he might spend the day drinking by himself. At the end of the day though, you can't take constant abuse of your own boundaries just because the person crossing your boundaries might do something destructive. That they were potentially going to do anyway to themselves. I don't envy your position here at all. Please do let me know what you decide and how it works out. Okay. Last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:50] Hello, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. I recently discovered your podcast and had been absolutely bingeing. I loved the two-part interview with Steven Hassan about Combating Cult Mind Control, but never in a million years thought I would have any practical use for it unless a friend came at me with some cancer-curing essential oil. That was until I got a call from my little sister saying that my mother had almost been murdered by her boyfriend. I flew to my hometown the next day. I was able to stay for four days. We were in hiding part of the time. I nursed my mother back to health, arranged for the locks to be changed, fed her, contacted legal resources, and once we were able to return to her house, cleaned it top to bottom from the bloody messy made and found evidence the police missed. During this time, I expected my mother to be scared, angry and out for revenge, but shockingly, she defended him in a language I can only describe as having been brainwashed. She said things like, "He was only like that when he was drinking, " or, "We have such good times together." I was at my wit's end that this previously strong independent woman had been trained to think like this in just a few short months. I wanted to scream. I suddenly remembered the Steven Hassan podcast. I began using some of the tactics he described, like just asking layers and layers of questions. For example, when she discovered he had stolen money from her, I would counter, "Oh, did he steal when he was drunk too?" I slowly chipped away at all, or justifications, never screamed, never yelled, never made her feel too stupid. After four days, she was able to see that this guy was never any good and had been manipulating her the entire time to take advantage of her. So with all my heart, thank you.

[00:41:24] I do have an actual Feedback Friday question relating to this situation. From what I have described, you would think this guy has been locked up. Yes and no. He was arrested at my mother's house after a welfare check was called. So the police saw everything with no time for him to hide what he'd done. Despite that, he was released the same day later that night. I'm told this is because of a new law going into effect in my state where if someone can't afford bail, well they just get released. It's supposed to prevent grave consequences from trivial crimes like losing your job because you are still stuck in jail after getting arrested for something like weed. He'll eventually be arrested again once the DA feels their cases in order, so he won't escape the law, but my family feels seriously let down by the justice department because until then he's free and we have no idea where he is. He can easily try to finish what he started. My question is, what on earth can I do to try and make sure this law does not get used as a loophole for future families. Signed, Taking a Break From True Crime Podcasts.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:23] First for people who are wondering about the cult episodes that Steven Hassan episodes 237 and 238 and we'll link to those in the show notes.

[00:42:31] All right. First thing, the no-cash bail thing. It's not supposed to work like that. This is insane, unintended consequences. The no-cash bail thing is supposed to be, look, if you get arrested for unpaid parking tickets or weed, you don't end up in jail for six months waiting for trial and then lose your job and then lose your kids and all this stuff. But if you're a violent SOB, you're supposed to get locked up. I don't know what's going on here. They're supposed to be non-violent, quote-unquote victimless crimes. Geez. We actually reached out to Steven Hassan for his input on this and he said, "All right, a few thoughts. First, what state does she live in? There might be some colleagues, I might be able to refer her mother to see for some counseling work." So if you want to get a reference from Steven Hassan, depending on where your mother is, then reach out to us, jordan@jordanharbinger.com. And AARP fraud watch. We'll link in the show notes. They should be contacted. They may have some additional advice and police connections. Third, there's a webinar that Steven did. We'll link to that in the show notes as well about how to help a family member who is being mind-controlled, although it sounds like your mom is now starting to see the light.

[00:43:37] I recommend interviewing your mom and recording it with video for her protection too, in case this guy ever decides to come back into her life. You can remind her with video evidence. "Look, this is how you felt. This is what happened. He tried to kill you." You know, if there's somebody else doing something equally bad. She can watch this video. Keep it to yourself. Don't let her have it. She'll delete it. If you're able to devote some financial resources to this, you might hire an ex-FBI investigator or a police officer who is now a PI to do some extra research on this guy. One thing is for sure he's going to do this again, not necessarily to your mom, but to somebody. Finally, what about going to the media? You can black out your mom's actual identity but tell the story. Warn people here. These are some of Steven's initial thoughts. First thing, always makes sure that your loved one understands the tricks and the cons and the manipulation. Understand also that this guy he probably has no empathy. He's probably more than alcohol problem here. He's probably a sociopath according to Steven Hassan. So thanks to Steven for that input as well.

[00:44:37] And my advice echoes this as well. I'll also say if you need an ex-FBI investigator and you can budget a few hundred or possibly a few thousand bucks for something like that, I'm not sure how much this would cost. I can make introductions. I've got great FBI background and private investigators that I know quite well who can help with this sort of thing. If anyone out there needs anything like that, hit me up. I'm jordan@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:45:00] Life Pro Tip of The Week. These viral posts that are like, "Hey, your stripper name is your first pet and your mother's maiden name." These are amazingly effective ways to get answers to common security questions that you might be using elsewhere. So be careful. These are not necessarily harmless, funny little gags. They are harvesting information. The next time you see a mass post, like share this. Remember, you're sharing important personal information, which might be dangerous to share openly with others. There's a good reason. That so many of these rely on your funny answer being like your mother's maiden name, your first pet, the favorite teacher, the street you grew up on. Always, always, always be careful where you and your family are sharing that information. Consider is it necessary to share this. Consider using incorrect answers. You can go to fakenamegenerator.com and get a fake identity to do that stuff with. You can use it for the post or you can use it for the security questions themselves. As long as you can actually remember what the answers to those questions were. Jason, you must have an opinion on this.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:03] Oh, of course, I do. You should never do these because they also, sometimes if you're on Facebook, they give them access to some other information like your friends -- remember Cambridge Analytica. But also, yeah, when it comes to security questions, never, ever, ever give them correct information. If somebody asks for your mother's maiden name on a website to get the answer to your security question, come up with something different.

[00:46:23] Use like a sports memorabilia, basketball, football, foosball, and just keep a document secure in like your password manager, like 1password or one like that where you have a lookup table and say, "Okay, I usually use this as that, or per site, just mark it down, but never, ever, ever give any website the correct security answer. That's just a no go.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:46] Thanks, Jason. Recommendation of the Week, Water & Power: A California Heist. This is also on Netflix. Almond trees billionaires, and how big companies are basically buying up land in California in order to get the water rights. So you see these vineyards and these almond fields, you see these huge wells pumping out the aquifer, and that's a great way to make money short term. But long term, they are already doing this. They're selling the water for these super inefficient farms like almond farms. They're wrecking the aquifer here. Water rights are cheap and they're subsidized and they're really easy to manipulate, but water is precious here in California, even though it ends up being subsidized by the taxpayer. So this is a huge mess and a lot of billionaires are buying up all this land over the aquifer. And the sort of hypothesis is that later on when water is super precious and we're all screwed, that they're going to be like, great, I'm the one with the water. Thanks for selling me this stuff and thanks for subsidizing my reservoir for the last 20, 30 years. It's just not good. It's going to end poorly and in this documentary outlines all of that. Water & Power: A California Heist, we'll link it in the show notes and it's on Netflix.

[00:47:52] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. We're going to prison. Email me if you want to come to prison@jordanharbinger.com. A link to the show notes is always found at jordanharbinger.com as well.

[00:48:03] Quick shout out to Luke from our SEO team. He found the podcast after we hired his company to do some web stuff. Now, he's a fan of the show. I thought that was kind of funny. If you're a fan and you're not getting paid, well, sorry about that. By the way, we've been working with this SEO company for a while and they are really legit working really well for us. So if you're in need of a referral for good SEO, I'll happily pass that along.

[00:48:23] Go back and check out the Dennis Quaid and Dr. Sarah Hill episodes if you haven't yet, and if you want to know how we managed to get all these great people in our network, well, I'm teaching you how to network for business and/or personal reasons. This stuff saved my bacon. It'll make your career and it'll make your life better and trust me and this is free. I'm giving it away because it's important. Jordan harbinger.com/course and don't do it later. You don't have time later. You got to dig the well before you're thirsty, jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are up at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:00] Check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the internet and who's the blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That is Grumpy Old Geeks.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:11] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. This episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson was the editor, show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty and music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions, and those of our guests are their own. I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love and those you don't. Lots more in the pipe. Very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:47] I'm so excited to be welcoming Hotboxin with Mike Tyson to the PodcastOne family. Listen as Mike Tyson, the baddest man on the planet, pours his soul into conversations with fascinating minds, celebrities, and athletes, along with his cosmic millennials, sidekick, and former NFLer Eben Britton, Kid Dynamite dives deep into the issues impacting us all today. This podcast will change the way you see the world. Check out their first two episodes featuring Evander Holyfield and Tip "T.I." Harris. Don't miss Hotboxin with Mike Tyson every week on Apple Podcasts and PodcastOne.