You’d love to invite your dad to your wedding, but he has a habit of getting drunk at gatherings and making a spectacle of himself. Is there a way to politely request sobriety as a condition of his invitation? We’ll try to find answers to this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Your dad loves to hit the sauce and cause a scene whenever there’s a gathering, which makes you hesitant to invite him to your wedding. Is there a way to politely request his sobriety for your special day?
- Your job burdens you with cripping depression and dissatisfaction that even the fattest of paychecks can’t outweigh, but quitting now would have a dire impact on your career. How can you summon the motivation to power through this soul-sapping, meaningless job for the time being?
- With as little awkwardness as possible, how can you get your coworker to understand that the Ukrainian model Internet “girlfriend” he’s never met in person is scamming him to the tune of $1,000 a month?
- Is it wrong to continue a relationship with someone whose romantic past triggers suicidal ideation in you, courtesy of your recently diagnosed borderline personality disorder?
- Your enthusiasm for weed has outlived the reasons you once had for using it as a coping mechanism. How can you quit it in secret before it hurts your career, love life, and relationship with your aggressively judgmental family?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
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Resources from This Episode:
- Ray Dalio | Why Nations Succeed and Fail | Jordan Harbinger
- Shawn Achor | Leveraging the Happiness Advantage | Jordan Harbinger
- Defusing the Drama Around Your Intoxicated Mama | Feedback Friday | Jordan Harbinger
- Al-Anon Family Groups
- Alcoholics Anonymous
- The Jordan Harbinger Show | Spotify
- 8 Signs You Are Being Catfished and What You Need to Do ASAP | What Is My IP Address
- Catfish | Prime Video
- Catfish: The TV Show | MTV
- What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder? | Rethink Mental Illness
- Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner’s Past and Finding Peace by Zachary Stockill | Amazon
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
- Narcotics Anonymous
- Marijuana Anonymous
- A Support Community to Help Stop Smoking Cannabis, Marijuana, Pot, Weed, Edibles, or Getting High | r/leaves
- Cannabis Addiction | Drugs Forum
- Message Board: Marijuana | Addiction Recovery Guide
- Drugs and Alcohol | ReachOut Community
615: Need Wedding Free from Dad’s Drunken Spree | Feedback Friday
[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer Gabriel Mizrahi, who looks like — you just got back from an ashram or something, or you're going to one.
[00:00:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's actually not—
[00:00:14] Jordan Harbinger: You shaved your head. Not too far?
[00:00:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: —not too far from the truth. I shaved my head. Let the beard grow. Two weeks in Peru. That'll do it.
[00:00:21] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Good for you. That'll do it. Yeah. I thought your hair was migrating.
[00:00:25] On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.
[00:00:50] If you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you. We answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers to performers. This week, we had Ray Dalio back on the show by popular demand, of course, on why empires fall and the future of the USA and China and Shawn Achor when we recorded five, six years ago on happiness. This was really popular when it first aired. We decided to remaster it, re-edit it for you here this week. Giving me more time to change diapers on our two-week-old daughter who was born over the break. So make sure you've had a look and to listen to everything that we created for you here this week.
[00:01:27] New year, man, I'm excited to keep growing the show this year. We're also growing a family, literally. My daughter was born over the break. That wasn't just a joke. So now, I have a two, depending on when you're listening to this three, four-week old daughter, clump of my DNA, mixed with my wife's DNA, that just sleeps all day and spits milk everywhere. It's nice. It's like sleepless delusion and a good excuse to not go anywhere because I can't go anywhere anyway, because I got a diaper in one hand and a microphone in the other.
[00:01:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, congratulations either way, man. I'm happy for you.
[00:01:58] Jordan Harbinger: Thank you very much.
[00:01:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: Is that stupid? I'm happy for you.
[00:02:01] Jordan Harbinger: No.
[00:02:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Congratulations, man.
[00:02:02] Jordan Harbinger: Not at all.
[00:02:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: I honestly don't know what to say to people when they have kids.
[00:02:05] Jordan Harbinger: Honestly, nothing, like congrats. Great. And then it's like you see the baby and it's like, "Oh wow, adorable." But like, kind of sometimes, but usually you're like, "Ah, it's ugly as hell and is peeling. Like, it looks all red. It's like sunburn, but it's not. What the f*ck is wrong with your kid?" That's how I figured out newborns.
[00:02:25] All right. What's the first thing out of the mailbag?
[00:02:27] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe, my amazing fiance recently proposed to me. So now we've started making wedding plans. My problem is that I have an alcoholic father who has previously ruined other major events in my life like graduation and other big milestones. We were really close when I was young, but starting in high school, he began binge drinking from the moment he woke up until he passed out at night. He's been in the hospital multiple times for the DTs and has some minor residual neurological issues as a result. This is not the same father I grew up with. That man did not have these severe drinking issues. As the bride, of course, I want my dad at my wedding, but I don't want the drama associated with having him drunk at our wedding. This is a celebration for us, and I'm so worried that my father is going to ruin it. My current thinking is that I should speak to him about my boundaries around whether I decide to let him give me a way, whether we do a father-daughter dance and my expectation that he only be there if he is sober. But how exactly do I go about handling this? Do I let them know my concerns? What would you do in my situation? Signed, Keeping My Dad to The Sarsaparilla Without Turning into a Bridezilla.
[00:03:33] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, this is such a sad story. I'm really sorry to hear that your dad has been struggling with his addiction for so long. It sounds like it's taken a huge toll on him and on you and probably on your whole family. You're in a tough spot here. Wanting your dad to be at your wedding. I mean, he's your dad. He should definitely be there, well, theoretically, but not wanting him to cause a scene and ruin your special day. I've seen drunk people at weddings. It's always embarrassing. In fact—
[00:03:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah.
[00:03:59] Jordan Harbinger: —a freaking nanny got drunk at a super Shishi wedding of one of Jen's friends and the groom's mother had to babysit this nanny from Taiwan, all night, during her only son's wedding. So she was like laying down. It was horrible. I mean, yeah, it was brutal in the bathroom, like getting sick. It was insane. Everyone was embarrassed. It definitely colored the evening. It was the thing that everyone's like, "So what's up with the really drunk lady who like felt over?" So, yeah, I get it. You do need to talk to your dad and get super clear on your expectations and boundaries.
[00:04:33] So here's how I do that. First off, I'd make some time for the two of you to talk alone in lay out your concerns gently, but directly. If this were me, I'd say something like, "Listen, dad, we both know you've been struggling with alcohol for a long time. It breaks my heart to see you suffer like this. Your addiction has ruined a lot of important moments in my life, and that's caused me a lot of pain over the years, but I'm not here to talk about what happened in the past. I'm here to talk about the wedding. I really want you there. You're my dad, but I absolutely will not allow you to get wasted on the most important day of my life and derail yet another big milestone. I don't want that. I know you don't want that. So we need to get clear on how you're going to act that day." Something along those lines.
[00:05:22] Then I would lay out very clearly what you expect from him. Maybe you say, "Look, if you come to the wedding, I'm asking you actually, I'm telling you respectfully not to drink. Not at all. No champagne from a passing tray. No dram of whiskey at the bar. Don't even look at the hand sanitizer, dad. If you're there, you are sober. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad or punish you. I'm telling you this because this is the only way I can feel comfortable that my wedding will go smoothly. If you can do that, then I will let you give me away. And we can do a father-daughter dance, which I think would be really special for both of us. If you can't do that, then I'm really sorry, but I can't invite you to be a part of the ceremony. And if you say yes now, but you end up doing tequila shots in a bathroom or janitor closet or something like that, then I'm going to have to ask some people to escort you out. Please don't make your own daughter kick her father out of the wedding. I'd rather you not drink at all ever, obviously, but I'll settle for you not drinking on just this one day. Can you do that for me?"
[00:06:25] And then the ball's in his court. And I know that some of what I just said might sound a little harsh, but I think you need to be pretty blunt for your dad to appreciate what a big deal this really is. You know, if you hedge or you talk around the issue, he might think you're not that serious. You might think like, "Oh yeah, yeah, no problem sober as a judge. Got it." You know, wink, double gun fingers, and then he just downs a few Moscow mules while nobody's looking and knocks over the freaking sushi spread or whatever.
[00:06:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: You know, that's going to happen too.
[00:06:53] Jordan Harbinger: There's always a sushi spread.
[00:06:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: Always a sushi spread.
[00:06:56] Jordan Harbinger: He has to understand because any of those heavy ones, they won't tip. It's the sushi spread, that's all—
[00:07:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: The tacos withstands anything.
[00:07:03] Jordan Harbinger: That's right.
[00:07:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: The sushi spread, that's vulnerable.
[00:07:05] Jordan Harbinger: That's right. Always.
[00:07:06] He has to understand the severity of the situation, how important this is to you, the consequences if he doesn't honor your boundaries. At the same time, you have to be prepared to enforce those battles. That means being prepared to ask your dad to leave if he gets drunk. And if you have a wedding coordinator, definitely talk to them, they have seen every crazy thing that can happen at a wedding. They're really good about handling difficult guests. It's not going to be their first rodeo. I would also reach out to a couple of guys in the family. Maybe people close to your dad, like his brother or his nephew or something like that. Somebody who gets a little sway over them, tell them that there's a chance your dad is going to act out. It should be no news to them. And if he does, you'll need their help, just quietly escorting him out and putting him in an Uber home. Enlist a few people to keep an eye on him. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone on your day.
[00:07:58] And if you have this conversation and you don't think your dad really gets it, then I would just be prepared to not invite him to the wedding. I know it hurts, but it might be the right move depending on how far gone he is. I don't think you owe an invitation to anyone who might seriously compromise your day, even if they are your parents. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to your fiance and it's not fair to your guests who will have to deal with the dad who's tanked and spit talking in their face during the hors d'oeuvres.
[00:08:27] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dude, I've been to a couple of those weddings. It is awkward. Yeah, good point, Jordan. And maybe her taking that hard line with him, maybe that's what he needs to realize how serious his problem really is because look, you know, you can imagine, right? If your daughter is like, "Dad, I really wish you would stop drinking. You know, it makes me kind of sad." I imagine that that's probably pretty easy for an alcoholic to just brush off. But if your daughter is like, "Sorry, dad, you're not coming to my wedding because you have a problem." Or, if you agree to her terms and then you get kicked out of your daughter's wedding for drinking too much, yeah, that could be a very real wake up call.
[00:09:00] And look, if your dad shows any willingness to get better, then I would obviously try to get him the help he needs, whether it's getting into a hospital to detox or into a rehab program or into AA. I mean, I'm guessing you've already been there. You've probably had that conversation, but I'm just throwing it out there in case this conversation becomes a real chance for him to finally clean up his act, but more importantly, it sounds like your dad's addiction has taken a very real toll on you. I mean, growing up with an alcoholic parent from a young age, that is incredibly difficult, so I would make sure you're getting the support you need too. If you haven't done this already, you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. That's a recovery program for families and friends of alcoholics. It's a pretty amazing place. And I bet the people in those meetings would have some really good ideas on how to handle this whole wedding situation. I'm guessing that you are not the first person to have to deal with an alcoholic parent coming to their wedding or not coming to the wedding. So give it a shot, go to a couple of meetings. You might pick up a few gems that will help you learn how to best support your dad while you also take care of yourself.
[00:09:59] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up, Gabe. She definitely has some stuff to work through and I hope she gets to do that. It would be amazing if she could help dad get better too, but it sounds to me like he's pretty far down the road. I'm not saying you should give up on him. But she can't also save him until he actually wants to get better.
[00:10:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:10:17] Jordan Harbinger: And sometimes it's really hard to teach an old dog new tricks, especially if they're just not in a frame of mind, right? It's everyone else's problem. So keep the door open, keep pushing him to get help, but also just know that you can't really be super close with somebody who's in the grip of a serious addiction like this. It's heartbreaking, but that's the reality.
[00:10:36] In the meantime, congrats on getting married. I think it's so exciting. It's always so fun being married. I wish I'd known how great it was going to be. I would have done it sooner. And I'm sorry that you have to make this decision about your dad, but I know if you handle it with integrity, you'll make the right call. So we're wishing you and your fiance, and in fact, your dad as well, all the best.
[00:10:53] But you know who won't get hammered and ruin the most important day of your life? The sponsors who help support this show.
[00:11:01] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.
[00:11:05] This episode is sponsored in part by SimpliSafe. If you've ever wanted to make your home feel safer, there's no better time than now. Our friends at SimpliSafe are giving our listeners access to all their new year's holiday deals, 20% off their award-winning home security and your first month is free when you sign up for the interactive monitoring service. SimpliSafe has everything you need to make your home safe, indoor and outdoor cameras, comprehensive sensors, all monitored around-the-clock by trained professionals. We've actually had our alarm go off a few times by accident and they call within seconds to find out if we're okay or if we need the police. SimpliSafe was named Best Home Security Systems of 2021 by US News & World Report. I get cranky and impatient when technology doesn't work the way it should. So I can attest this is a breeze to set up. No long-term contracts or commitments. Start feeling a bit more peace of mind this year.
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[00:12:01] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored by Wrkout. My friend Curtis launched something that has been game-changing for me. You've heard me talk about it before I wanted to share it all with you. I've done so previously on Feedback Friday. I recently took my personal trainer from three days a week to four days a week. I wish I had hired a trainer sooner. It's helped me so much with mobility. It's helped me get stronger, obviously as well. I literally couldn't kneel down before because I was really tight. I couldn't play on the floor with my kid. I couldn't sit down on the floor comfortably. I couldn't sit in a lot of places comfortably. My trainers are really knowledgeable. I'll tell them, "Oh, I'm sorta tight here." And he'll tell me to roll out like my quad and then my back stops hurting. It's just unbelievable. It's not super painful. It's not grueling. I actually look forward to it and enjoy it, which I never — I was not that guy, trust me, at all. They will utilize whatever equipment you already have. I cannot recommend this enough. You don't have to go buy 10 grand worth of gym stuff. If you want to see what virtual personal training can do with a live trainer, it's all online, go to wrkout.com/jordan. It's W-R-K-O-U-T.com/jordan. 10 days free trial, plus tell them I sent you, you'll get 20% off your first training package. Seriously, this has been life-changing for me. I cannot recommend it enough.
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[00:13:22] And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:13:26] All right, next up.
[00:13:27] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe. I'm in my mid 30s and I work a highly paid contractor job that I'm very grateful for, but that gives me no satisfaction whatsoever. I've also had serious issues with depression and self-harm throughout my life. And I intermittently have dark periods that entailed complete lack of motivation and crying episodes that I cannot control. I've tried therapy with poor results. Take my prescribed medication and admittedly, drink too much. I hold myself accountable for all of this. I do not consider myself a victim in any way. Being in a dark period and dealing with frequent crying episodes right now, my ability to perform at work has been called into question. And I've essentially been told by my bosses that I'm on notice. I'm ashamed about my emotional state and I feel serious guilt because I know I have it better than so many other. I'm in this job due to a referral from a colleague who depends on me and who I can't afford to let down and I can't leave my current job because of the serious ramifications this will have for my career. I simply have to man up and deliver right now. How can I find meaning and motivation in a meaningless job so I can just do the basics showering daily, showing up on time and just getting through? Signed, Finding the Muse While Singing the blues.
[00:14:42] Jordan Harbinger: Ah, bud, all right, it sounds to me like you are really struggling right now and that you've been struggling like this for a long time, and I'm really sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place right now. I can only imagine how stressful it must be to be called out by our boss for being so fragile that they might fire you. You've been very open and direct with us here. And since we only have a few minutes to spend with you, I'm going to be pretty open and direct with you too, because I think what you're going through right now, it's a bit of a wake up call.
[00:15:11] So first off, the depression you're experiencing, the lack of motivation, the impulse to self-harm, those are very debilitating and scary feelings. And you need all the help you can get working through them. So the first truth bomb I'm going to drop on you, and I hate that term, but I'm using it anyway, and it won't be much of a surprise is that you need to stop drinking. This is serious stuff, man. You're drinking to numb the pain or quiet the thoughts or just escape your life, but all it's doing is kicking the can down the road. You're also basically pickling an already depressed brain in a depressant and making it harder to be present and do the work of sorting through the root causes of depression. I'm going to go into bossy, know-it-all Uncle Jordan mode here and just tell you point blank, cut that sh*t out, man. And if you can't, then this has developed into a real dependency and it's time to look into AA or other resources to get sober. Don't wait, just do it. This will be one of the best decisions of your life and it'll make everything else you need to do so much easier.
[00:16:12] The second thing I'm going to drop on you. It's also not a huge surprise, I'm sure, get back into therapy. Or if you're already there, you need to recommit to it. You said you had poor results with therapy in the past, and I would figure out why that is. If it's because you were working with a lame therapist, then find a new one, a better one. If it's because you weren't really invested or you weren't doing the work on your own to implement what you've learned, which is very common, so no shade there. But let's be honest with ourselves here, then it's time to show up to your sessions in a new way. I don't know you super well, of course, but I do know that if you're wrestling with all of this stuff, then you have a lot to work through. No one can do that alone. Find someone good and start talking.
[00:16:55] Honestly, if I were you, I'd go to my next session with my existing therapist if you have one and just say, "Look, I haven't had good results from therapy in the past. Help me understand why." You need to go in there raw, focused, undefended, but also committed to figuring yourself out. And if your medication doesn't seem to be working, which is also very common, then go back to your psychiatrist or find a new one and tell them what's up. I highly recommend doing that in conjunction with therapy though. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not qualified whatsoever to tell you how to medicate yourself, but I can tell you that virtually all experts agree that medication is not a magic bullet. It is a tool and it really works best in conjunction with talk therapy.
[00:17:39] And on that note, the last issue here is, that your question, which is how can I find meaning and motivation in a meaningless job so I can just do the basics. Okay, it's a good question, but I actually think it's the wrong question. To me, that question speaks to you trying to manage the symptoms of your depression, skating on the surface of the problems, so you can just muddle through this rough patch until it hopefully resolves itself. But that's the kick the can down the road mentality that led you here. The right question is why do I feel the hopelessness? Where does my lack of motivation come from? Why do I want to hurt myself? And why am I struggling to process these feelings? Because motivation, that's not some rope you can just grab onto and ride through the sh*t show of life. Even though there are a ton of cheesy hustle, porn, YouTube videos, and they'll tell you that.
[00:18:28] Finding meaning in life, it's obviously essential, but that's not something a couple of guys on a podcast can just give you. That's something you have to create by committing yourself to something you really care about, putting in the work, asking the right questions, and creating meaning that can be really hard when you're so depressed that you can't even take a freaking shower, right? Of course, if you don't care about anything, how do you create something you care about? Meaning is important, but I'm not sure meaning alone is going to lift you out of this cycle that you're in.
[00:18:55] Gabe, am I crazy? Am I being too tough on this guy?
[00:18:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, not at all. I was nodding along with everything you just said, but there's something else in this letter that's really jumping out at me and actually, it might hold the key to why he's finding it so hard to get better. So early on in the letter, he says — what was it? That he holds himself accountable for all these feelings. He doesn't consider himself a victim in any way. And then later he says that he feels ashamed about his emotional state, but he also feels kind of guilty because he knows he has better than so many other people. And then at the end of the letter, he actually says that he can't quit his job. He just has to — what was it? Man up and deliver right now. So it's interesting. On one hand, I hear a person who is taking ownership of his experience. He's not wallowing in self-pity, he's not blaming other people or creating a victim identity, which is, you know, that's admirable.
[00:19:42] On the other hand, I also hear a person who isn't really allowing himself to acknowledge just how much pain he's in. I mean, here's a guy who's minimizing his own experience because some other hypothetical person must have it worse. We've all been there. And who also kind of feels like his only option is to stuff his feelings down and just power through. I get why he hasn't been able to work on this stuff. It sounds to me like he's not even really giving himself the space to fully acknowledge what he's going through, which is pretty heavy.
[00:20:10] So if I can pile onto Jordan's truth bombs for a moment, here's my truth bomb. You're not doing well, my dude. And that is okay. What you are going through, what you're describing, a lot of people go through that. It's being human, okay. And you're saying that you're not a victim. You relativized your own pain because somebody else must have it worse than you feeling like your only option is grit your teeth and work harder. That's not getting you anywhere. I admire your strength. I respect, you know, that instinct to be self-sufficient, I really do. But I think it's time to say to yourself, "You know what? I need help. I can pretend like I'm above this anymore. I can't just wish these feelings away. The feelings are there no matter what. So now, I have to figure out why they're there and what they mean and what I'm going to do with them."
[00:20:52] Because these uncontrollable crying fits these dark periods as you called them, they're trying to tell you something. And so you can numb them or you can push them away, but that doesn't change the fact that they contain information that you need to work through this. And working through it, that might make things more painful for a short period of time. It might make them more intense. It might make you feel even more vulnerable than you already feel, which I would imagine that's already pretty scary if it's starting to affect your work, but in the long-term, I promise that it will get you much closer to the relief and the stability that you're looking for. That's what I would be focusing on right now. The meaning, the motivation, those things can come. They're important, but they're going to come after, once you get your house in order.
[00:21:32] Jordan Harbinger: Man, that is so true, Gabe. There are probably a ton of variables contributing to this guy's depression, but the fact that he's basically neglecting himself under the guise of being disciplined, that could be the thing that's perpetuating the depression. Or at least, it's an aspect of the root cause.
[00:21:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: For sure.
[00:21:48] Jordan Harbinger: So there you have it man, time to start showing up for yourself in a new way. Time to release the habits that aren't serving you and seek out the relationships and resources that will. And if you do that, I've got a strong feeling that you'll find the motivation and meaning you want so badly, but it starts with you. We're sending you good thoughts, man. Take care of yourself. I think you've got this.
[00:22:07] Gabe, it occurred to me as we reply to this guy's query here, if you're depressed, right? And you muster the motivation to show up to work, and you're kind of having trouble keeping up, but you're kind of holding it together, that is much harder than getting the motivation to do other things, like go to therapy and fix it, right? So this is already a strong guy.
[00:22:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:22:28] Jordan Harbinger: He's got all of the tools he needs. He's not like, "Yeah, I just can't even — it took me all day to type this email from my phone." Like, this is already a really strong person who's managing this with sheer brute force method, banging his head against the wall. So once he actually plots the right course for this, he definitely has all those sorts of raw materials to see this through. He's just trying to ram his head through a brick wall instead of going through the front door. And I think that's probably the problem.
[00:22:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's such a good point. The energy he is spending on trying to just hold it together. He could be spending trying to work through it with the right people and maybe inviting a few friends in to help him. It's just, that doesn't seem possible to him right now because in the depression, that seems so threatening.
[00:23:08] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:23:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's such a good point. I hope he gets to do that.
[00:23:10] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, same.
[00:23:11] You can reach us email@example.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a lot easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision that you're wrestling with, or if you need a new perspective on stuff like life, love, work. What to do if you're a creepy stepdad might be going after a new family? It's a crazy one from last week, Gabe. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up firstname.lastname@example.org. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous.
[00:23:38] Oh, by the way, Spotify has just started to allow podcast ratings. It would mean a lot to us if you took literally like 10 seconds to rate the show, just go to The Jordan Harbinger Show in Spotify on your mobile device, click on the rating box. There's like three dots there. If you click on that, it'll say rate show. Smash those stars, ideally five of them — I never thought as a podcast, I'd be able to say smash that like button, but here we are — five stars depending on what you think we're worth. And for more detailed review instructions, just go to jordanharbinger.com/review. And thank you very much in advance. I really appreciate it. I know Gabe does too.
[00:24:12] All right. What's next?
[00:24:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 24 year old construction worker and I have a coworker I will call Tim. Tim is mid 40s, divorced, and very lonely. In the last year, he met a girl online and developed a relationship with her. I was fully supportive of it since that's how I met my fiance. Eventually though, I realized that he's being played. His quote-unquote, "girlfriend" is a Ukrainian model living in California, stuck in financial hardship, due to COVID and relying on his paychecks to live. He sends her upwards of a thousand dollars per month and has never even video chatted with her. Her microphone is always broken as is her camera. He sends her money for a new phone, but she always has excuses. Meanwhile, he lives on instant noodles and handouts from other people. I've tried gently asking him questions to nudge him toward the truth, but he doesn't want to engage. I've also tried laying out my concerns directly, but he's told me that he'd rather figure this out on his own. I feel like deep down, he knows he's being played, but his loneliness just won't allow him to accept it. I haven't made any recent attempts to talk to him about this, but I feel like I'm partially responsible because I'm not forcing him to see through the scam. Everyone else around us knows his situation, but nobody will say anything. I also don't want to ruin the working relationship we have by pushing too hard. So how can I handle this while keeping his feelings intact? Signed, Bursting This Bubble Without Causing Trouble.
[00:25:37] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, man, I've heard this story so many times over the years and I've actually seen it play out a couple of times with people that I know and it is, it is so awkward. So a friend, to keep this short, I was coming back from Ukraine. This is like literally 20 years ago now. And I see my buddy's wife standing at the gate and I'm like, "Oh, that's cool. They came to pick me — wait a minute. They don't know I'm coming back. Why are you here? What are you doing here?" And she's like, "Oh, hey Jordan, my uncle's girlfriend is coming in," and I'm like, "Oh, okay. That's cool. Who's your uncle?" And you know, it's like a Michigan dude with a baseball cap on who's middle-aged. And I was like — okay, they had signs all like "Welcome to America," and I was like, "What's going on here?" And it was really kind of, I kind of knew then that something might be up because it didn't sort of sit right with me. And I waited because my parents actually forgot to pick me up. Like I was 22, they literally forgot what day I was flying home. So I'm at Detroit airport and I'm waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting because my parents live like an hour away and my friend Jessica she's like, "So yeah, Miya whatever our name is like not here yet. How many more people were on that flight? Do you think she got stopped at customs?" And I'm like, "Well, I don't think that there's that much more because there's no bags left on the baggage claim thing." That doesn't mean they didn't take her bag because she stuck in immigration that maybe they do that. I don't know, but it was just like another half hour goes by and it's just really, really clear that she's not coming. And of course, they're trying to straighten out. They don't want to leave yet in case she's caught in immigration, all this stuff. Well, of course, it turned out that she didn't exist. She had sent him an email later on that day, like, "Oh, I got robbed on the way to the airport," which none of it made sense because I guess that same person, amateur as they were, forgot to tell them that they were like already at the airport or something like that. And then it's like, "Wait, what?" So it didn't—
[00:27:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: What a pro.
[00:27:33] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It just didn't make any sense. So it was like, you know, a chat app versus an email and it was just a scam from the jump. This is very common. Everyone's seen Catfish on MTV, right? It's a super common scam.
[00:27:44] So your boy, Tim, he's obviously very lonely. He's deeply insecure, probably naive, and it's just too threatening for him to even imagine the possibility that Oxana from Tinder is treating him like a piggy bank. And in all likelihood, has this scam going on with 12 guys at a time. It's so weird to me that people fall for this stuff so easily. But I think that speaks to how badly some people want companionship. I mean, Gabe, how many times can someone say their laptop and phone and microphones and cameras on both are broken before you go, "Okay, this person clearly doesn't want to meet me."
[00:28:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: I give it like two times you say that. And then I'm like, "Okay, this is not happening."
[00:28:23] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. The dude is sending her thousands of dollars, thousands and thousands of dollars, and she can't even borrow a friend's phone and call him on the video camera on WhatsApp for two minutes to say thank you. It's so obvious. Uh, Tim. All right, let's get into it.
[00:28:37] So here's the deal. What you've tried to do with Tim asking him questions, laying out your concerns, helping him see the situation objectively, that's exactly what I would've told you to do, but as you've already done that, and Tim's straight up told you, he'd rather figure this out on his own, whatever. That to me, that literally just means learning the hard way, whatever. So as far as I'm concerned, your part is done. If you want to go further with him, which is a kind thing to do then great. Go for it. But in terms of saving a coworker who isn't your best friend from a situation like this? Yeah, I think you've done your part, but if you do want to give it one more shot, then I would be even more direct with him. Not cruel. Just direct.
[00:29:16] Maybe say, "Tim, buddy, listen. I know you like this girl. I know how nice it is to be needed by somebody, but I'm really worried about you, man. I know this isn't a fun conversation to have, but we're colleagues. We're buds. I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't tell you that you're caught up in a highly manipulative situation. All I'm asking is that you hear me out for 10 minutes, keep an open mind, and then later you can decide what to do. And I'll respect it. But from where I'm sitting, I'm watching a nice, hardworking dude handover a thousand bucks a month to a woman who won't even talk to him. If you were friends with that guy, would you tell him to stay in that relationship or would you tell him to seriously check this person out and reconsider if the relationship is even real? Because if you continue down this path, I think you're going to get burned in a really bad way. And you're going to hate yourself for not asking some basic questions sooner."
[00:30:11] That's how I do it anyway. And I wouldn't be overly worried about ruffling this guy's feathers. You might be hurting his feelings a little bit, and he's probably going to try to derail the conversation by getting defensive. But maybe he needs to have his feelings hurt a little bit, just a little bit, because his feelings are what is keeping him stuck in the con.
[00:30:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, that is exactly right. You have to make it safe for this guy to consider a very different angle on the situation, which is super scary for him. You know, it's threatening, like Jordan said to the ego. But you also have to be blunt enough to make him snap out of this delusion that he's in. It's actually interesting. It's kind of like talking to somebody who's in a cult, right? They have so much invested in believing that their organization they're a part of is good. That they're helpful. That the leaders have their best interests at heart. That it's super threatening for them to stop and go, "Wait a minute. Maybe these people don't have the answers. Maybe I don't need them." So it's a very hard line to walk, but if you can do both of those things, then you might have a shot at getting through to him.
[00:31:09] But if Tim just doubles down and refuses to engage with you, then I think you've really done your part. I mean, he's going to have to come to this realization on his own. He will get there eventually. I don't know when. It could be a couple of months. It could be a couple of years who knows, but it'll happen eventually. Unfortunately, he might have to lose a lot more time and money and also face before he realizes that you were right. But when that happens, I would definitely be there for him. You know, I wouldn't crack any jokes at his expense. I'm assuming you guys do that all day long.
[00:31:38] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my god.
[00:31:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: You guys are construction workers.
[00:31:39] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Can you imagine? Like, "Hey, your fake girlfriends on the phone, sucker, idiot."
[00:31:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, none of that, like none of the, "I told you so," and like mocking him for the next six months, I would just be kind and supportive because I'm guessing he's already going to feel terrible at that point.
[00:31:55] Jordan Harbinger: Terrible.
[00:31:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: He's going to need good buddies around to help him move through that, you know, more than ever. Just tell him, you're glad he's come to his senses. And just to help him get free of this woman, this freaking vampire squid. And if you feel like there's an opening there, maybe you can help him look at what kept him in this relationship, what drew him to this relationship in the first place, so he doesn't do this all over again when he swipes right on Masha from Moldova in six months. I'm just saying, you know, the guy has a type. It could happen again.
[00:32:22] Jordan Harbinger: It's not Masha. It's probably Misha. Some dude in Moscow, sitting back, counting his rubles, pretending to be a woman on Tinder. Meanwhile, he's making dating for actual Eastern European women so much harder, right?
[00:32:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Ah good point.
[00:32:36] Jordan Harbinger: Because the real women are like, "Oh, why does everybody think I'm going to ask them for money? Like, why does everyone think of a scammer or a bot?" I will tell you this. When I was living in Ukraine, again literally 20 years ago, there were only cyber cafes. Or at least for what I needed to do, there was no internet in the family that I was living in their house. So I would go there and spend a lot of time there, especially like any downtime, I was just hanging out there and there were numerous times where there'd be like one guy seated at a computer. And I'd be looking over his shoulder and he'd be typing in English like, "Oh, I'm looking for my soulmate right now." And I would use to think that these guys were actually dating, maybe talking to women or, you know, even having a same-sex relationship with some of the guys in the photos. And then they started bringing in the girls and they would be telling the girls in Russian, because I was in Odessa. "Here's what's going on. The guy lives, does this." They're familiarizing them with the story so that when they have to talk to this guy eventually to prove that they're real, they're filled in. But meanwhile, this guy was doing everything. And again, I gave them the benefit of the doubt thinking, "Oh, he's translating." And then I realized, no, he's making up everything. And he's telling them what to remember. And then he's asking them for money. Because I saw this over a period of months, so I'm a hundred percent sure I knew what I was looking at.
[00:33:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Whoa.
[00:33:52] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:33:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: So you had a front-row seat to this scam basically.
[00:33:54] Jordan Harbinger: Front-row seat. It was fascinating. It was like a documentary happening right in front of me because this guy would bring in multiple women. This one guy in particular he'd sit right next to me. He had no shame about it at all.
[00:34:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's his job.
[00:34:06] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It was a job. And he would just say, "Hey, I need a new phone," or, "Hey, I need a computer," and often it was like, "My grandmother's in ill health. I need $1,500 for medical treatment." And guys would be transferring money often via PayPal and probably some bank wire stuff. I didn't pay that close attention to that part, but he would be getting money from them in that way. And it was just shameless fraud. It was really sad to see this.
[00:34:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dude, cybercafes huh?
[00:34:32] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my gosh. Yeah, because Internet is so private, right? Everything, think about everything you do on the internet. Some of it's fine, but some of it's weird as hell.
[00:34:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: And some weird Googles.
[00:34:43] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Some weird stuff. So I don't know. What have you seen at cyber cafes?
[00:34:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: I don't know. I'm trying to remember it, but like every time I've been into cybercafe, something weird has happened. Like I remember the first time I backpacked in Latin America, I would pop into cyber cafes cause I didn't have a Blackberry yet or—
[00:34:55] Jordan Harbinger: Now, you can't get one because they don't exist anymore.
[00:34:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Correct.
[00:34:58] Jordan Harbinger: That's how long it's been?
[00:34:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: I don't know. I just remember being in a cafe in Guatemala. And there was a guy just watching like the most horrific hardcore pornography.
[00:35:09] Jordan Harbinger: I've never seen anything, like sipping a latte with one hand and the other hand's under the keyboard.
[00:35:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Who knows what the other is doing, like throwing back some latte and the other just like frantically clicking the mouse.
[00:35:22] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man.
[00:35:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, just like no shame, just like, yeah, there's like a little partition, like a little splash guard between the computers.
[00:35:29] Jordan Harbinger: Literally, in this case, it's a splash guard. So gross.
[00:35:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: So gross but he just didn't care. I mean, just — and meanwhile, I'm like, "Dear mom, today, I saw some amazing ruins."
[00:35:44] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my god. Man, cyber cafe, yeah, now I've heard that the real pervs go to the library and use the computers there for that. And it's considered like a free speech issue, they have to let them do that. It's unreal.
[00:35:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Wow, interesting.
[00:35:58] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It's like you can't censor things that are publicly funded and yada, yada. So basically...crazy people look at porn at the library at the computer. Oh man.
[00:36:08] Anyway, Tim's going to wake up eventually, you know, he will, the hard part will be watching somebody that you care about even a little bit make a horrendous mistake, but that's how it works, right? Tim's living his life. You're living yours. You got to let him walk his own plank on this one. And you sound like a solid homie though. I mean, he's lucky to have you looking out for him, but at the end of the day, your boy really needs to learn how to look out for himself. And after this blows up, I'm pretty sure that he will.
[00:36:37] Gabe, there's a little bit more here that we didn't really address it. We don't really have time for it, but it's like, there's an element of escapism for this guy. I mean, he knows he's being played. It's so freaking obvious. You know, he's in denial. When he said, "I want to figure this out for myself," you don't say that when you know a relationship is real, you go, "Hey, don't worry about me. It's all good." You don't say, "I'll figure this out the hard way," right? Like he knows—
[00:36:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Good point.
[00:36:58] Jordan Harbinger: —that it's going to be, but he just has nothing else going on in his life right now. He rationalizes at some level, even if it's fake, it's still companionship and it's still entertainment and still something to look forward to, even if it's completely bullsh*t. That's what I think. And that's sad, that's extra sad on top of everything.
[00:37:14] But you know who won't pretend to be a 20 something model and siphoned off all your money? The sponsors who help support this show.
[00:37:23] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
[00:37:27] This episode is sponsored in part by QuickVue. After returning from the Amazon Jungle for the peace of mind of my pregnant wife and family, I made sure to get tested for COVID-19. Did you know that with QuickVue at-home OTC COVID-19 tests, you can get rapid results in just 10 minutes in the privacy of your own home. You can pick one up over the counter at your local retailer or online, and testing is really easy. Instructions are clear and simple. Essentially, you swab each nostril, put the swab in a tube of solution, put the test strip in the solution, and then wait and check for the results. Whether you're feeling under the weather, seeing a loved one, returning from a trip, or you just want to check your COVID-19 status, it's always a good idea to test with QuickVue at-home OTC. COVID-19 test. Take 10 minutes. Take charge. Visit email@example.com for FDA emergency use authorization only. Pick up a QuickVue at-home OTC COVID-19 test at your local retailer.
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[00:38:54] Jen Harbinger: Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National Annual Average Insurance Savings by New Customers surveyed who saved with progressive between June 2020 and May 2021. Potential savings will vary. Discounts vary and are not available in all states and situations.
[00:39:07] Jordan Harbinger: And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
[00:39:11] All right, what's next?
[00:39:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe, in the last couple of months, I was admitted to the ER for suicidal ideation, which was triggered by my insecurities about my partner's romantic past and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I can objectively look at the situation and know that I'm being irrational, but that doesn't stop my physiological response of immense emotional pain. Part of BPD is intense fear of abandonment and my situation is self perpetuating. My partner has been supportive of me through all of this, and I'm taking a higher than normal dose of medication, as well as doing DBT, which is the most successful therapy for this disorder. But I know it's difficult for her to deal with on a day-to-day basis. So my question is, am I wasting her time by putting her through this? Signed, Meeting a Shoulder While I Cross This Border.
[00:39:58] Jordan Harbinger: Wow, dude, you've been through quite a lot recently. This is quite a tale. I'm sorry that you ended up being hospitalized. That must have been frigging terrifying, especially now in the middle of a pandemic, but it sounds like that led you to a helpful diagnosis to medication, to dialectical behavior therapy. I actually had to Google that, of course, which is apparently an excellent modality for BPD. And that's ultimately a great thing. You sound like a very thoughtful person. You're going through something pretty intense, and you're still able to care about your partner's experience in all of this. And I know those qualities are going to serve you really well in your treatment.
[00:40:33] But given all of that, I was actually surprised by your question. I thought you were going to ask, you know, "Am I doing everything I can to get better? Or how do I get over this fear of abandonment or something like that?" But what you're actually asking is if you're wasting your partner's time, which is well, definitely that speaks to your thoughtfulness, but I also think it's a very telling question. Because where my mind goes is you worrying about whether you're wasting your partner's time while you work through your BPD, is that itself a reflection of the fear of abandonment. Because a huge part of your experience is worrying that people are going to leave you, right? That often makes them want to leave, which then confirms for you that people are going to leave you, so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, very common with BPD, from what I understood.
[00:41:18] So here you are wrestling with these thoughts and feelings, noticing how an intimate relationship brings up a lot of these vulnerable aspects of your personality. And instead of thinking, "Wow, I'm really lucky to be with a woman who's willing to support me while I work on this stuff." You're thinking, "Man, am I just wasting our time? Am I too much? Do I need to maybe let her go?" And to be clear, I'm not judging any of these questions. I'm just noticing them all along with you, but they actually make sense through the borderline lens, through the BPD lens. But what's interesting to me about your question is that it might just be another reflection of the very disorder that you're working so hard to resolve.
[00:41:54] Gabe, does that make sense? I know I'm kind of like getting spun up here.
[00:41:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, I think you're onto something huge. There's an aspect of his question that is so considerate. He's being a good partner really, by wondering if this is more than his partner can reasonably take on. But there's another aspect to this question that just might be a coated version of, you know, "Is this person going to leave me and should I leave her before she leaves me?" And if that's the case, I would look at that question very closely. Definitely take it into therapy and unpack it with your therapist because ultimately really that's a question for your partner. That's not a question for us.
[00:42:26] She's the only one who can answer it. But if you do ask her, I would really sit with that question and be very conscious about how you frame it. Because if you say to her, "Listen, I'm feeling like all this stuff I'm going through is a lot for you. Maybe it's more than you signed up for. I'm afraid of you leaving, but also I hate making you feel like I'm afraid of you leaving. So maybe I should just let you go right now." If you frame it like that, then I think you might be acting out that, you know, abandonment script. But if you say something like, "Listen, I've been wondering lately what my treatment has been like for you. I want to know if supporting me while I do this is a lot or if it's manageable. Or what is it like for you? If there's something I can do to make it easier, I would love to know. Or if you just want to talk about it, I'm here to listen." You know, that's a very different question.
[00:43:08] The first question will probably contribute to the self-fulfilling prophecy that Jordan talked about a moment ago, but the second one would just open up space for you guys to talk openly about what this is like for each of you, without also imposing this other narrative that you have on the conversation of, "You're going to leave me." And that might be hard for you to do right now. It might take a little bit of time for you to build up to that. And that's totally fine. You might want to prep for the conversation in therapy and then bring whatever comes up in the conversation with your partner back into therapy. So you can look at it with your therapist together, but you, learning how to ask this question the right way, I have a feeling that that'll be a really powerful part of working through these symptoms. You know, teaching yourself how to relate to your partner, how to ask her questions in a way that doesn't perpetuate this fear that she's going to leave you.
[00:43:52] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Great point, Gabe. It's almost like his impulse to ask this question in the first, that's the answer he's looking for. He wants to know if he's too much, but really the meaningful thing is that he's already convinced that he's too much.
[00:44:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly.
[00:44:07] Jordan Harbinger: So I dig into that question a bit more on your end and whenever you catch yourself, assuming that someone's going to leave, just maybe ask yourself, "Is that the BPD talking or is that me talking?" The more you can separate those two out, the more I think you'll start to observe the disorder instead of being run by it completely. And I know that's a little simplistic, but I think you know what I'm getting at. I mean, just by writing into us, you've already shown that you are bigger than this programming, the program that you're running in your head, that's causing this in the first place. And I love your commitment to getting better. I know it's hard. I know it's bringing up some painful stuff, but this is the way through, man. Keep up the good work.
[00:44:45] By the way, if you're joining us for the first time, or you want to tell your friends about the show, the episode starter packs are a good way to do that. These are collections of your favorite episodes, organized by popular topic to help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com/start to get started.
[00:45:03] All right, next up.
[00:45:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe, I've got a weed addiction that I've been trying to shake for years. I'm 21 now and I started smoking when I was 15. I used it to cope with parental issues in my teens and on weekends with friends. But now with the parental issues gone on my friends, no longer smoking, I'm pretty much left alone with my addiction. I now spend around $40 a week on weed. And I can't help myself from smoking every single day. This addiction is hurting my career, my love life, and my school life. My family hates weed and I would definitely get fired and kicked out of college if I got caught. I've tried everything I can think of to stop myself, but I've decided that I need help. I cannot do this alone. So what options do I have for getting clean without letting anyone find out about my addiction? Signed, No Sticks, No Stems, No Needs.
[00:45:51] Jordan Harbinger: Well, thank you for writing in, my friend. I do really appreciate your candor here. I got to say, you've already done one of the hardest parts of getting healthy, which is admitting that you have an addiction and you need help. And I really commend you for that, especially when it comes to weed. Sometimes with cannabis, it's hard to see when you really have a problem because it's so accepted now. And with weed, you're just hitting a vape or you're smoking a J or you're doing it a little edible or whatever it is. You're not railing lines at nightclubs on a toilet paper dispenser in a stall every weekend, right? Or shooting up in a freaking Denny's bathroom during lunch or whatever. But weed dependency is real, even if it's less, obviously, destructive. Some people never realize that they're abusing it. And I'm proud of you for noticing this pattern in your life and wanting to change it.
[00:46:35] And Gabe, this reminds me of, is it Half Baked, the movie where like Bob Saget stands up and goes, "What? You're addicted to weed. You've never sucked d*ck for weed. Come on, man." You know?
[00:46:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally.
[00:46:45] Jordan Harbinger: And yeah, the coke thing. And it's kind of like, you made a joke out of it, of course, because many folks really wouldn't consider this to be a real thing. You know, pop culture says you can't even be addicted to it, right? But of course we know that it's not true. So the real quick, just like with any addiction, there are a ton of resources out there for you. There are narcotics anonymous meetings all over the world. There's marijuana anonymous, specifically. There's talk therapy. There are support groups, there's addiction recovery forums, and subreddits. The list goes on and on. I'm not going to get into all that here, but we're going to link to a bunch of those resources for you in the show notes. And I highly encourage you to check them out, go to the show notes right here on your phone or on the website at jordanharbinger.com. You'll find a bunch of the links that we collected for you.
[00:47:28] And since I know you're concerned about keeping this a secret, keep in mind that recovery groups are anonymous. I mean, it's really right there in the name. They take privacy very seriously. Also a ton of these meetings have moved online during the pandemic. So if you're concerned about even showing your face, you could actually log into a remote NA or MA meeting. You probably don't even have to have the camera and you probably won't even have to leave your home or your bed. Certainly, no camera. Just ease in by listening to other people's stories for a few more. Honestly, it's never been easier to get the help that you need.
[00:48:00] And by the way, years ago, I went to AA and NA and a few others just to check them out because I wanted to feel more familiar and more comfortable recommending them. And I had friends that were in there and they're like, "Yeah, just come with me." They're not awkward at all. Sometimes they're actually quite fun and they're almost always interesting. It's not constant sort of staged cringe, like you see in some movies or shows where everything seems really high pressure and everyone's staring at you. Just give it a shot, especially now that you can do it on Zoom and you don't even have to go park at some church 30 miles away.
[00:48:31] But I do want to talk about the privacy thing for a moment, because I think it's really interesting. I hear that your family hates weed. You get fired or kicked out of college if you get caught. Great reasons, by the way, for getting sober, that's an amazing motivator, consequences like that. So I understand that you wouldn't want to go to your mom or your boss and be like, "Oh, I've been smoking cushions. I got my learner's permit. Help." You know, that's not going to go over well. But I do think that it's important to open up to people outside your immediate circle, people who are safe, maybe you have one or even two friends you really trust who would agree to keep your sobriety, or a therapist, or the people you meet at the meeting. People who are also in recovery, maybe even a sponsor. These relationships they're essential to getting sober and staying there. All the research confirms that strong intimate relationships with one or even two people, that's one of the key variables in staying sober. Anyone involved in the recovery community knows you don't go around blabbing about other people you meet in recovery and everyone in recovery is going through the same journey.
[00:49:33] So I get your desire to keep this a secret, but I encourage you to find your people open up to them, let them open up to you. I think you'll find it an incredible source of support in those relationships. And while we're on this subject, that really goes for anyone trying to achieve a big goal or create any kind of lasting change in their life, whether it's quitting a substance or getting in shape or lending a job or starting a company or finding a partner or whatever it is. I don't mean to get on my soap box here, but the older I get, the more it becomes clear to me. We cannot do the big stuff alone. We just can't. I know we all want to do the hard work and struggle and transform and total anonymity so we can look perfect to the outside world. I get it. I've been there, but that is just not how real change works. We need one another. That is how we are wired. The real meaningful changes, they never happen in a vacuum. They always happen through our relationships, which is why I keep banging on about them here on the show every single week. So take that into your weekend and into your 2022. I promise it'll take you way further than you ever thought you could go on your own.
[00:50:39] And I hope y'all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Ray Dalio and Shawn Achor, if you haven't yet.
[00:50:48] If you want to know how I managed to book all the great people you hear on the show, I manage all of my relationships, my friendships included, using software, systems, and tiny habits. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty in our Six-Minute Networking course, that course is free. It's over on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com/course. The drills take just a few minutes per day. It's helped me a lot over the past couple of decades. It really has been crucial for me. Find it all for free jordanharbinger.com/course.
[00:51:16] A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts, also in the show notes. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi.
[00:51:30] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Today is our intern Cole Hume's last day. Cole, thank you for all your work on the show these past few months. Your research and behind-the-scenes coordination were fantastic. And we're wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.
[00:51:50] Our advice and opinions are our own. I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting. Share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please do share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:52:13] If you're looking for another episode of The Jordan Harbinger Show to sink your teeth into here's a trailer with poker star Annie Duke on how we can learn to make better decisions by thinking in bets, instead of trying so hard to be certain all the time.
[00:52:26] Annie Duke: The quality of your life is determined by the sum of two things, the quality of your decisions and luck. When something bad happens to it, we act as if a skill wasn't involved at all. We just sort of pawn it off to the luck element, but when good things happen, we sort of ignore the luck element and we say that it was because of our great skill.
[00:52:45] A self-driving Uber just hit and killed a pedestrian, but what I thought was really interesting was that the reaction was to suspend the testing and just to take the cars off the road, not just the Uber cars, but other self-driving vehicles. And what I didn't see were any comparisons to how self-driving vehicles did per thousand miles traveled versus the technology that we already have on the road, which is cars that are driven by humans. We know that 6,000 pedestrians died per year by regular driven cars.
[00:53:21] Let's say that you're on the side of the road and you've got a flat tire, and of course, what everybody's thinking of that moment is, "I have the worst life ever. Like why do these things always happen to me? I'm so unlucky. I'm so miserable." What's really interesting to me about it is like you could have gotten a promotion, like the biggest promotion of your life three days before, and you're not standing on the side of the road going, "My life's great because I just got the biggest promotion I could ever imagine." So imagine that you had this flat tire a year ago, and now I'm asking you today, a year later, how much do you think that that flat tire would have affected your overall happiness over the year?
[00:54:02] Jordan Harbinger: For more with Annie Duke, including some common mistakes we make when evaluating decisions, check out episode 40 here on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:54:11] Are you ready for a podcast that doesn't hold back? Check out The Adam Carolla Show, the number one daily downloaded podcast in the world, five days a week, and completely uncensored. Join Adam as he shares his thoughts on current events, relationships, politics, and so much more. Adam welcomes a wide range of special guests to join him in studio for in-depth interviews and a front-row seat to his freewheeling point of view. Download, subscribe, and tune in to The Adam Carolla Show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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