61: Shaun T | 7 Transformational Principles for Living the Best Life

Transcript for Shaun T | 7 Transformational Principles for Living the Best Life (Episode 61)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to the show. I'm Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with my producer Jason DeFillippo. On this episode, we're talking with my buddy, Shaun T, author of T is for Transformation. Shaun T is one of the most recognizable fitness trainers in the world. If you've ever done a beach body workout, like insanity, you know who I'm talking about. We actually met at a conference called Thrive run by my friend, Cole Hatter. It's kind of funny because I was emceeing the event and I had like seven minutes to eat lunch, get back up and get back on stage. So I inhaled salad, I inhaled a bunch of all this healthy stuff. And then I want you to know what these oatmeal raisin cookies look good. I've been really good the whole weekend and I grab a cookie and I turn around and they're Shaun T and Cole goes, “Hey Jordan, meet Shuan T, he's going to be up after lunch.” And I'm like, “Oh!” and I'm holding this cookie in front of all the worlds.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:48] Butsed.

Jordan Harbinger: [0:00:49] Yeah, exactly. And I've got, I didn't even mention I took a bite of the cookie too and I was like, “Oh yeah, I'm into fitness,” and the thing is I didn't know what to do with the cookie, so I just reflectively just shoved the whole thing in my mouth at that point in time and I was like, “Yeah, all right. I'm into fitness, fitness cookie in my mouth.” So Shaun’s life unfortunately was not all smiles and upbeat workouts set to music, though he went through a lot, he realized if you're holding something back, it's holding you back, and that you get stronger unpacking the baggage, not shoving it in the closet.

[00:01:24] Today we'll discuss looking at our life as a series of turning points and how we can use those turning points to continue moving forward, as well as using our anger to motivate us instead of holding us down. Speaking of which, we'll also learn to understand why we often keep ourselves down so that others around us won't get angry or jealous. There's a lot in this episode, all this and more today here with Shaun T. And of course, we've got worksheets as we always do. So for today's episode, if you want to make sure you solidify your understanding of all the key takeaways here from Shaun T, that link will be in the show notes at jordanharbinger.com/podcast. All right, here's Shaun T.

[00:02:01] Actually when you and I met that you are look pretty, you're pretty stable on the stage doing the workout. Of course, you're doing workouts, but you're also, and when you speak you're speaking but you're not like, I'm a charismatic speaker and then now I'm just going to be this weird quiet purr like you're kind of, you're Shaun T 247.

Shaun T: [00:02:20] All the time. When you walk into my transformation center, the top three words, that truth, trust, and transparency. I'm literally the definition of what you see is what you get and I really, I have this thing where I say to people, I'm like, I just don't have the time. I literally do not have the time to be fake or not even necessarily fake to be different in one area of my life than another because I'm not in front of the camera. Like I'm not acting, like this is who I am, and so it takes a lot of work. If I've met you and I was like, I want to be like this, and then I get on stage, I'm like, I want to be like this, and then I go backstage, and I meet other people and I want to be like, I'm like, who has the time for that? I'm like, I don't got all that time. I'm like, I'm very happy with who I am. And I say to people, one of the greatest joys about life is that not everybody's going to like you, and I'm not saying that you're mean or horrible person, I'm just saying that you could literally be the nicest person in the world and there will be people that don't like you. So if you can look in the mirror and like yourself, then that's the only person that needs to like you. And there will be a bunch of people that are like you and there will be a bunch of people that don't like you. And so I just found it to be very comforting living in the world, in the mind of Shaun, and it feels really great and now I don't have to go, you know, and change who I am other places.

[00:03:52] And I really, really wished that for people because I do know a lot of people who, I know a lot of people. First of all, I'm going to say it like this. I had to come out as a gay man, right? So there was a large portion of my life where I wasn't being who I really was. It wasn't necessarily disclosing the 100 percent truth of me or the entire history of me at that moment. And so I know where it's like to quote unquote “Live in a closet,” even though everybody's in a closet about something. Trust and believe in it. I mean, I say the straight people, it's so funny, the straight gay thing is, it is what it is. But I do say I use it as an example. I say you're straight people. I'm like, “Yo, walk around and make everybody think you're gay. Like, do you know how hard?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:38] I'm sure I could do it, but it would not be comfortable for me at all.

Shaun T: [00:04:42] Yeah. But like if you're a single guy and you're a single heterosexual guy and I'm a walk around, I'm going to let everyone, I'm going to try to act and tell everybody that I'm gay. All the girls that met you when you eventually come out and say that you're not gay are going to be like, I don't believe you. And you just pass up on great opportunities to meet amazing people. And so I just say that it's such hard work to try and act like something that you're not, that you should really just be who you are. I see it on social media. I'm not going to say any names, but I know people, people who I know personally reveal postings and create and show them that they're living this life and that they're so in love with this person or their husband or wife or whatever. And they just texted me like five minutes ago how they haven't already these issues. And I'm saying, I'm not saying you need to air your dirty laundry, but it's okay to be vulnerable, and it's okay not to lie about who you are. Because the more you show of yourself within reason that things that you can work through, the more people are going to relate to you on a deeper level. You're not necessarily going to gain more followers or get more attention, but the people who I've already invested in you as a friend or some sort of confidant or whatever, they're going to appreciate you even more because they're going to connect to something that maybe they might be struggling with so.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:06] No, I agree with this a lot. One of the struggles for me has always been, okay, you've got to market yourself online. But I like being transparent because if you don't ever show that you have a shred of human in you and everything is always, I'm super powered, I never fall down. People will look up to you for a while, but then they kind of go, I don't know how much I relate to this guy because as much as he is the super human who has got a great business that never fails, they can't really connect with you that strongly. There's always going to be a barrier because they go, well, you know, you'd never make mistakes, but I do, because we're always comparing our own blooper reel to everybody else's highlight reel, especially with social media. And so if you think that the other person doesn't even have a blooper reel, then you just put a wall between yourself and that other person, and I wasn't going to start with this story, but you said, “Yeah, I had to come out as a gay man.” How did you come out? That must've been, this is absolutely not where I plan to start the interview, but why not? How did you do that? Because you grew up with, you know, your grandmother and stuff like that and this sort of like with your mom and all that. And then he moved to LA, but like at what point where you like, “Oh crap, I'm not a straight man and this is going to complicate my life.”

Shaun T: [00:07:21] I think I was 21 I was like almost in my last year of college. No, I was like, yeah, I was like maybe I was in my third, it was in my third and a half year in college because I went for five. But I just remember that I was living at the time with my boyfriend, right? But I was telling everybody that he was my roommate. You know what I mean? Because it's easy to get away with you live in with a guy, it's your roommate, you know, nobody's going to question it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:44] That only gets weird when you're like 30. And it's like, are you sure you're roommates? You know, or like 45 years old. You sure you guys are roommates and we always see you together. You guys are pretty close.

Shaun T: [00:07:53] Right, you're like roommates. But you know at that age I was just like, you know, “Oh this is my roommates, my roommate.” But for some reason I'm telling you my grandfather who was a pastor, I don't know what kind of sixth sense he had, but I remember that my quote unquote “roommate” at the time had to run to my grandparents' house to grab something off, I left something there or whatever. And so he walks in and my grandfather says to him, we need to talk about the relationship you have with my grandson. And my grandmother stepped in and was like, “Oh no Charles. Like he's here to pick up something for his girlfriend and it's fine.” Like my grandmother was trying to cover for me. You know what I'm saying? I hadn't come out to anybody yet, but I think my grandmother was like, she could've known or whatever, but she was just like, we ain't going there right now.

[00:08:47]And this guy is 20 year old dude. He's like by his self, 21 year old guys like by itself in a Christian household. Like it was crazy. But then he came home and told me that. So I actually reached out to my mom and I was like, you know, why would he say something like that? Like the first part of it when I, the first conversation I had with my mom after that incident I was like, why would he say something like that? Like, you know, I was like very, very like defensive about it. And talking to my mom, I remember I was having a conversation with her in the park, in the driveway of the house when I was talking to my mom, she was like, yeah, I don't know why. Like I don't know why he's tripping, but you know, people are who they are and whatever. Like she wasn't like, well you better not be gay or you know, she didn't say anything like that. She was just kind of like, yeah, I don't know why he would say something like that. People are people. And I was like, cool.

[00:09:42] So then like maybe a week later, I don't even know if I was able to last a week because it was really heavy on my mind.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:49] I’m sure.

Shaun T: [00:09:49] Because now I'm, I'm surely walking around my family with like this weight on my shoulder, and I think that everybody, you know, I think they all think I'm screaming like, you know, flying the rainbow flag around the town, right? So, I mean it's so much more dramatic than what it really was. But then I remember saying to my mom one day, I was at my grandparents’ house and everyone was there, and my mom came to the top of the steps to say something to me and I was just as like, “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” And she was like, “Cool.” And my mom is like, nat cool. You know, you can literally tell her anything and she's not going to flip out. So I felt kind of comfortable telling her that, but you know, then the story gets a little deeper here.

[00:10:30] So I walk in the room, we sit down. And so she was like, “What do you have to talk about?” And I was like, but I started out this entire process telling her how I was sexually abused as a kid, but the guy that she was with and it was so, it was like very heavy. It was a very heavy night, because I wasn't just coming about coming up about the fact of being gay. I was coming out finally telling someone for the first time that I had been molested. Let alone telling my mom, let alone telling my mom, it was my step monsters, what I call them, you know, and they weren't together anymore. It was just crazy.

[00:11:04]. But once I got to the part of me actually being gay, she was like, she said to me, she said, you know, Shaun, I really didn't know. She's like, I really didn't know. She was like, I know you are. She's like, you've had girlfriends, you had this. She's like, I did have a friend come up and asked me, “Is Shaun gay, whatever?” And my mom was like, “I don't know.” She was like, I really don't even care. But she was more interested then she said try to get all nosy up in my relationship. She was like, so what you’re going to do when you home tonight?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:32] That didn’t take long.

Shaun T: [00:11:33] Yeah, she was like, what you doing when you go home the night that you all be doing it? Like I'm telling you, my mom is crazy. Like I'm just being very transparent. I was like, “Mom, what are you talking about? Why are you asking me these questions?” But that conversation and being able to talk to her like that and about opening up about other stuff that happened in my life really opened my mind up to be brave in so many more situations. Because I really only cared about what she and my brother thought.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:02] Sure. I mean, my grandparents, I knew they were going to love me anyway. They're Christian folk. They just, you know, my grandfather was just like prayed over me and annoying it'd be, you know, and the Holy ghost.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:13] But he wasn't trying to like pray the gay away and all that stuff.

Shaun T: [00:12:15] No, he just was like, you know, we didn't have a conversation. Like he just kept saying we need to have a conversation. But I'm like, what are you going to say? Because let me tell you one thing, I did not choose to go this path now. I mean it's a great path, but I'm just saying it, I didn't choose to be the outcast of society. So I was like, I don't quite understand what you're going to say or what the Bible is going to say. And I'm not getting all like religious here, but you know, truth be told, my brain has me attracted to guys. And so that's what I'm going with at this moment. It's crazy.

[00:12:49] But I mean, you know, it is what it is. And I'm very happy to be, not necessarily like I'm happy to be gay, but I'm very happy we live in a life that I live and I'm married to like literally one of the most amazing people on the planet. And you know, I'm blessed with two kids in our family is really great. And I do have some fans or people who weren't fans. I say fans, but fit families would I like to call my fans. I have had comments of people saying, you know, I started following you because I saw a picture of your babies and I thought they were really so cute. And then I found that, they were babies of a same sex couple and prior to following you, I didn't approve of same sex couples. But you really taught me that you guys love them the same you have. She was like, I think the common says something like, you know, you could teach a lot of heterosexual couples about what it's like to be in a relationship with kids.

[00:13:44] So, I do know that I'm making an impact on being a gay male and it feels really good to just be able to help people understand. I'm not trying to change people's mind about what gay is or whether they need to approve of it or not. I'm just saying that this is me and this is how we live. And I wake up every day to help people enhance who they are. And if me being gay makes you turn away and you can't accept the fact that I'm here to make the world a better place, then I'll see you when you come back because trust and believe you will come back.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:20] Oh, okay. So either when that happened, a huge weight was lifted off of you and you changed it a little bit. But if you had the same sort of voice mannerisms, everything that you did back then that you have now, I think it's so obvious that you're not a straight guy that I can't believe nobody in your family knew.

Shaun T: [00:14:37] You know, it's just like what you're around. And I mean, really, at least back in the day on TV, the gay stereotype was like way flamboyant. You know what I'm saying?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:52] Yeah, turned up to 11, yeah.

Shaun T: [00:14:54] Yeah, it was like way, way, way on another level of whatever. So I think that I wasn't prancing, you know what I mean? And there's nothing wrong with that because trust and believe you know the kids. But we like to call it other gay, the gay cleans. The kids are lit in their family. There's so many levels of gay, there's like really flamboyant, really feminine, and then there's super masculine like guys that you wouldn't even know or think about. So I think it depends on what your perception of gay is, you know?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:25] Yeah. I guess if you pay attention and you have exposure to a lot of folks, you kind of see things that that will open up your eyes a little bit. But if you do come from that religious background and it's your own kid and you're not necessarily looking for it, maybe you kind of write off a few things here and there, like, “Oh, well here's a lot of female friends.” So he likes the same things that they do sometimes or you know, “Oh, he's just a little bit more of a..”

Shaun T: [00:15:48] Boy, he’s a pant, you know what I mean? You know how they used to say in a day like he's the man, he's a Mac. Like he got all the girls. It's like, no, he’s trying to look like a girl.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:55] Yes. Kind of.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:59] You're listening to the Jordan Harbinger Show with our guests, Shaun T. Stick around and we'll be right back after these important messages.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:06] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. The world has gone mobile in a world that has gone mobile. That means your website has to as well. It's hard to make a website look great on a desktop computer and a phone or tablet at the same time. You'd think that would be easy but it isn't. Hiring a designer and a programmer to make it for you is time consuming and expensive. That's why we recommend HostGator's website builder. Choose from over a hundred mobile friendly templates. So your site will look great on any device, smartphone, tablet, desktop. You can easily create a professional looking and feature packed website. No coding, no weird what is PC load letter. You're never going to deal with that with the website builder.

[00:16:44] HostGator gives you a ton of add-ons. You can do things like increase your SEO with search engine visibility, that kind of thing. Integrate PayPal. People can buy things from your site, give you some beer money. You'll also get a guaranteed 99.9 percent uptime and their support team is there to help with any issues around the clock all year long. If you're not completely satisfied, you can cancel within 45 days for a complete refund. HostGator's given our listeners up to 62 percent off their packages for new users. So go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:16] That’s to hostgator.com/jordan.

 

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:18] This episode is also sponsored by SimpliSafe. I'm excited to tell you about this. This is a really great security system. Easiest setup ever. First of all, no drilling, everything sticks on and a thing that does these things that won't rip off all the drywall or the paint off your walls. I don't guarantee that part, but it doesn't involve drilling, which is always worse. There's also no wiring, there's no tools. I'm the only tool in this equation. You can just plug in your base station, place your sensors, and in a few minutes your whole home is protected. So there's no contracts either, which I also love. You know when you get the other guys, it's like, yeah, you need a five year thing and you know, here's your equipment from the ‘90s. This SimpliSafe is just common sense. No contracts, they don't get paid unless you're happy. That's the way it should be. No gotchas, no hidden stuff. It's also a disaster ready, which is important for us here in California because this place is a disaster waiting to happen. They've got six monitoring centers all over the place. They all protect your home all the time. If you think that's overkill, it's not.

[00:18:17] It's great for you prepper types, it means there's no single point of failure, so a disaster can't take down your protection like, sorry, yeah, we had the earthquake here too, and everything's broken. They've also got power outage protection, so cellular connectivity as well as the backup batteries, so if the power goes out, you're protected for the full 24 hours. In other words, when the purge comes, you're protected the whole time. Of course, SimpliSafe now protects over 2 million people sweeping up the editor's choice awards from places like CNET, PCMag, Wirecutter. Where do they get it, J?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:46] Go to SimpliSafe.com/jordan to learn more. That's SimpliSafe.com/Jordan.

[00:18:50] Thank you for listening and supporting the Jordan Harbinger Show. To learn more about our sponsors, visit jordanharbinger.com/advertisers. And don't forget to check out our Alexa Skill. Go to jordanharbinger.com/alexa or search for Jordan Harbinger in the Alexa App. Now, let's get back to Jordan and Shaun T.

Shaun T: [00:19:10] You know, it's interesting. I don't, first of all, I don't rank or judge or necessarily count my friends, but I don't have, I mean, you know, I'm not one of those people who only has gay friends or only have straight friends. I mean, if I need you and we cool and we click, then I'm like, we're like, we can do it. So I think that was the other thing, my best friends in high school. I mean maybe, I don't know, maybe because they weren't allowed to be out. But my friends who were in high school, even now, they were straight. And I'm not saying that, you know, being an athlete constitutes you is not being gay. But I played sports like I did the whole thing. You know what I'm saying? Like I did the whole quote unquote “jock thing.” So it didn't necessarily line up with what I think my family, I'm sure other people out there. It was like, yo Shaun T, yay. I'm like, I wish you would have told me earlier because I would've been like, “Yes,” you know what I mean? I would've been so free. But you know, it is what it is.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:12] You held it back and you say in the book, if you're holding something back, it's holding you back and tell us what you mean by that. because it seems like you held something back for a really long time and in turn I'm assuming that it held you back. Like you said, you would have felt so free if you'd known you could've just come out earlier.

Shaun T: [00:20:28] Yeah. I think you know, if you're holding something back is holding you back. So have you ever been in sleeping and you've been in a dream and you want to wake up or you want to yell in your dream and you can't say anything like that's the feeling when I say if you're holding something back, it’s holding you back, you feel so stifled and if like some people don't understand that if you don't free yourself from the thing that you're trying to hide, you literally feel imprisoned. And if you wake up and you just accept who you are and you say, this is me or this is my struggle and this is what I'm going through, and you work toward making that better, as tough as it is to get over that first hurdle of self-acceptance, when you get to the other side, it is literally the most freeing moment. But if you don't accept your past, you're going to be stuck in your past.

[00:21:21] And the reason why things are holding people back is because they literally let it hold them back because of fear, which is obviously false evidence appearing real because we can't predict the future. And so, you know, a lot of times when something's holding you back, you literally are keeping yourself stuck in a past situation. I'm actually speaking at an event on Saturday about victims of rape and they told me, they were like, we really want you to speak to the audience because you, in past years it was, everyone was like really sad and every. We cried the whole time that a keynote speaker spoke. And so, because for me, I say the uncomfortable part already happen. I'm like, listen, for me, my sexual abuse happened. I had to come out. That already happened. I'm not going to continue to live in a space that's been holding me down. Consistency over time equals results.

[00:22:24] If you consistently say in the same spot, the result is going to be the exact same. But if you try to move forward and you accept what it is and then you can start to break down the barriers that like break down the pieces of whatever it is that's been holding you back and understand it a little better. But you got to shatter that, you got to shatter that piece of glass that's like holding you down so you can start breaking it into pieces and separate it and deal with it one by one and you will move forward and you will feel free.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:54] Is that what you mean by saying you get stronger by unpacking the baggage? Not by shoving it in the closet.

Shaun T: [00:23:00] You know, I say I'm like everybody's in the closet about something. So it's so funny when not you necessarily, but when people, in a gay world people will say like, when did you come out? Like that's actually one of the first things that people ask, especially back in the day when guys would meet because it wasn't so prominent to be gay or whatever. It's like when did you come out? Or did you come out? So it's funny, but I say everybody's in a closet or something. But I mean listen, I'm a go here like this because I'm going to tell you something I talk about in my book because I'm a transparent. But what I say what I mean by stuffing things back in the closet. And the reason why I say that is because I was in a, we call it a midget football. Like back in the day, it was like when I was really young and it had been a time where our team had made it to the state championships and we were in a championship game, and I had gone to the bathroom on myself, and a number two. And the reason why I had gone into the bathroom myself is because I would hold it for a week until I couldn't hold it anymore.

[00:24:07] And the reason why I held it in for a week because I couldn't hold it anymore is because my first sexual abuse experience was a grown man trying to penetrate me, trying to rape me. So I immediately like subconsciously would never want to, I would never want to go to the bathroom because that, that feeling reminded me of like what somebody was trying to do. You feel me? You get it?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:29] Yeah.

Shaun T: [00:24:29] And so what I did was I finished the game and I was on the bus ride home. I went to the bathroom actually on the field and on a bus ride home. I was like so embarrassed. I tried to like sit in a way back in a corner. I'd put like stuff over me so nobody could smell me. And I got home and there was this small little gray suitcase in my brother's closet and I took my underwear off before I went and you know, took a bath or shower or whatever, and I put it in this thing and I put away in the back of his closet so nobody would see it. And years later my brother actually found it. It was like, what the fuck? You know?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:06] He found your crusty number two filled underwear in his closet. And he's like, I don't remember putting this in here.

Shaun T: [00:25:13] Right. But you know what? Here's the thing, I always knew it was in there when I was in there playing with my brother over the years that it was in there, I knew it was in there. I was always thinking about it. And so you know, I would be having a blast and we'd be playing Nintendo or we'd be playing whatever games that you play with your brother. But I would be having fun, but I still subconsciously will always be, I'm in the closet and when he would leave the room, I would go in the closet and be like, did he move that suitcase, you know? And so I say all that to say that's what happens in your life when you try to stuff things in the closet that needs to be revealed. Because it wasn't until that was revealed that I was able to feel free.

[00:25:53] Did I say it was because I was molested at the time? I was like, no. But the fact that he found it and it was like, what was that? And I think I actually denied that it was mine, but the whole point is one that once that was out of the closet and that situation had been dealt with, I was just like, I felt so much better now I could actually go on my brother's room where we could have fun and I wouldn't be thinking about the crusty underwear. But moving forward, just kind of like quickly going back to the conversation I have on my mom today to not only come out as gay but come out as, you know, letting her know that I was sexually abused. That day, like I was stuffing all that into the closet. And that's what I tell people. Like everybody is going through something. There is not one person in this world that hasn't gone through some sort of struggle. It is a part of life and it happens.

[00:26:44] And I personally don't feel like one is bigger or smaller. Like for somebody, it could have been that they feel they as the only thing that could have ever happened to them that was traumatic was that they failed their first SAT right? Too them that was traumatic. For me, it was sexual abused. But you know, we all have our own experiences and we take those experiences and it affects us in different ways, but it's what we do with them and when we start to accept them and open the closet to pull the suitcase out or to admit that we didn't do good on our SATs, that we are able to actually start to move forward into and to make progress in change because we don't have the weight holding us down.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:22] So you kept that abuse story for years. Your step monster, your stepfather, you kept that story to yourself for years then.

Shaun T: [00:27:30] For years. Let me tell you something. It happened when I was eight. I didn't tell my mom until I was 21. I moved out of my house when I was 14 and I moved out of the house because I wanted to get away from him in that toxic environment. He was an alcoholic, he was an abuser verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom. And I moved out and I just kind of created this little plan to my grandparents. I was like, you know I’m 14 now and you guys are getting older. I would totally be amazing help around the house. Like I'll do whatever you want. And you know, it sounded good because my grandmother was 60 when I was born, so you know, she was 74 years old. My grandfather was 76, and so to them having me around the house to help lift stuff or to get stuff in a crawl space or whatever the case may be was enticing to them. And so everyone in my family, and this might sound shady, but everyone in my family thought I was leaving my house where my mother and my brother and his step-monster to live to go help. My grandparents are like, “Oh my God, you know, this is so nice.” But really I was like, I'm getting up fuck out of here because this is crazy.

[00:28:37] And I held up my end of the bargain and I got a job. I worked at Chuck E. Cheese, and I made the honor roll. And I got grants some scholarships to college and you know, I did my part, I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I even went to church three times a week. I had to go to church on Sunday. I had to go to church on Wednesday, prayer meeting, and I had to go to church on Friday or Saturday for choir rehearsal.

[00:29:00] I'm just saying that even though I said I left, you know, my home, it's not that it just necessarily became easier. And that's where I learned my work ethic from. I'm like, if I'm going to change my environment to make my life better, then I need to hold up my end of the bargain. And that whole experience of being able to come out, from being sexually abused, and looking back on everything I did to maneuver my way through to situation to end up where I am now. I feel really blessed because there's a lot of people who went on to sexually abuse other people and they're in jail and they have a lot of emotional issues because they weren't and didn't have a mom like mine that they felt free enough to say something or their family shun them away for being gay or whatever the case may be.

[00:29:44] I do feel good, and so for anybody out there, it's going to be really hard to come out of the closet for whatever you're in the closet about. It's going to be really hard to unstuff that baggage. But I'm telling you right now, at the end of the day, you might lose people because they aren't agree who with what and who you are right now. Or they're going to be mad that you actually were brave enough to say what you had to say. But the thing that you are going to do is attract people who believe in you and attract people who actually love and care about the person who’s transparent because they can see through it. At the beginning of a musical, if you go to Broadway, a lot of times there's this thing called a scrim, and so imagine if they left this scrim down the entire time and a scrim is basically like a screen door, like this amazing show is going on behind it, but it's slightly, it's not as visible because there's a screen in front of it. But when they lift up the screen and the show starts, you see clear the lights on, you see the colors and that's what you will do to your life. If you actually deal with the past and unstuffed the closet. You're going to start to see in color, you're going to start to live in color, and when you do that, you will be able to actually make goals and progress it very clearly.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:56] This pattern that you had though persisted, the baggage that you had shoved in the closet metaphorically really persisted. I think you mentioned during another talk that you had given that even at night you would wake up, or even as an adult at night, you would wake up and pick a fight with your boyfriend or something like that, around the same time that your step monster would come in the room, and you realized at some point that this was a pattern that you had developed and you literally would wake up at that time and then start some conflict inside your adult relationships years after you probably thought you dispensed with all this.

Shaun T: [00:31:31] Yeah. So I thought that the side effect of my sexual abuse had been over. Actually, I've been to therapy about some things. So I was like, cool. I was like, I'm fine. But then when I met Scott, who is literally like the love of my life, he's more than that. But it was crazy. The insecurity had like really heightened the a lot, but not during the day. Like during the day I was like, cool, I was exercise and working and going to class, doing whatever I had to do. But it was every time, like not every single night, but almost every single night. I would wake up around 2 o'clock in the morning just like, I don't even know if I was dreaming, but I would wake up around that time and I would be so utterly emotionally, like emotional and negatively emotional. And I would be, I would take it out on him. I would be like, I'm having this, these feelings because you don't love me. I mean this is horrible.

[00:32:34] This is like the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life. But Scott were like literally just be like, okay, let's deal with this. And I'd be blaming him. He's like, “Yo, I was just like sleeping.” And then I just said I need to go back to therapy because I need to know why this is happening because I know that Scott isn't doing anything. He's doing nothing. But I went to therapy. And so through therapy she was like, okay, so like, you know, what are you feeling? What does it feel like? And we got through it. And I remember having a revelation and I said, “Oh my goodness. The same time that I'm having these emotional attacks was the same time that I was molested as a kid.” It was the same exact time. And it was just the craziest thing, and that was literally, and truth be told. I was actually writing my book at the time. And so that was first the time, I had started writing my book, and I remember when I started going through that situation, I stopped writing my book because I was like, there is something deep going on here and I refuse to try to put out motivation when there's something holding me back and I can't be fully transparent. And I stopped and then, you know, six years later I ended up finishing my book.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:55] Do you think it was a result of the realization that this pattern existed that allowed you to move past it? Like, how did you fix that pattern? Because you said you'd already gone to therapy. At what point did you go, “Oh okay, I'm doing this now. I can shut it off.”

Shaun T: [00:34:08] The point where I fixed the pattern is there was one point where the same feeling came over me during the day and I recognized it. And I don't know why the feeling came during the day. I think because I had this my therapy session, like a couple of days before and I knew I wouldn't see my therapist for a few more days. And I think I was kind of like in a cycle of whatever what was bothering me. And I remember feeling it during the day and I remember I had never called my therapist on the phone. She was always like, call me if you need to, call me if you need to. And I was like, I'm never going to need to call you. I was like, I'm setting a schedule. But it was a time where I felt that during the day and I needed to call her. And I remember that was a moment where I called her and I was like, “Oh my gosh, I actually recognize when that feeling is coming.” And from that point forward, it was not to say that it didn't dwindle off. But if I woke up in the middle of the night, I would more be able to deal with the situation myself, deal with that emotional struggle and not bring Scott into the narrative.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:15] Right on. So you had to go through this in a way that allowed you to break the pattern. Like you said, without struggles, there are no happy endings, but sometimes a lot of times these struggles actually break our relationships. And in T is it for Transformation, you actually go into how to use our anger to motivate us. And I know that what you were going through wasn't necessarily just anger but can take us through this. I love practical drills and exercises and I would love to hear how you advise some of your clients and friends to use any anger they might have to actually motivate themselves and move forward instead of getting stuck in in the closet.

 

Shaun T: [00:35:50] A lot of people have this struggle because they get really mad or frustrated that they don't get results or whatever the case may be. And my biggest, and one of my favorite analogies to give is on the tennis court. A lot of times when people play tennis, when they go to hit the ball, they stopped swinging because they want to get the ball in and they become really tense and really sort of looking for it. They just become really tense and really tight. And then what happens if they don't finish the swing and a ball goes flying. But one of the things that I do is I find my aggression. I find that thing that makes you want to be proactive. I find that thing that makes me, for lack of a better way of saying it, angry, so the act can actually be forceful and really go after it.

[00:36:37] And so if you've been through something, a great way to get through struggle is to actually invite the anger because a lot of times if you start crying, or if you're really mad, first thing someone says to you is, “Oh, don't cry or don't be mad.” I say to people, if they're really mad, I'm like, you know what? Be mad. I'm not saying be mad to the point where you have rage, but I say, “Yo, be mad.” Understand what that emotion is, because if you actually connected at emotion of crying or connected an emotion of anger, you're more apt to understand where it's coming from. Because most of the time if you get into a fight with your spouse or a best friend after the fight, you feel really bad and you have to reflect.

[00:37:20] But imagine if you just kept, you know, hold them back and hold them back and hold them back. Then you're building up extra anger. You’re build up extra stuff that doesn't need to be there, but if you have a situation where you need to get it out, once you get it out, you're like, “Okay, I can think more clearly.” And I was able to utilize whatever I was feeling in that moment to help me better myself and to actually go back and almost say, I don't need to feel that way again because this is the real reason why I was feeling that way. Which takes me to, in my book I talk about, it's not the thing, it's the thing. A lot of times when we fight and argue with people, it's like, you know a spouse. Well you didn't put down the toilet seat. And I'm like, are you really mad about the toilet seat or are you mad that we didn't have sex for two weeks? You know what I mean? Like these little things are starting to bother you where they wouldn't really bother you if other things were going well.

[00:38:12] And so anyway, I say all that to say it's anger can be a great tool for you to, if you understand where your anger comes from because it'll help you literally reflect and build on the thing that was the actually got you angry in the first place instead of just the emotion of anger. And it helps you, you know, a lot of people when they work out and doing sanity specifically, I'm like, it's so hard that like I cuss you out Shaun. I'm like, “Great,” if you cussed me out, that means you're doing it right. Utilize that anger to get through it. Utilize that adrenaline to push yourself forward.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:46] Hey, fingers off that skip button, buddy. We'll be right back with more from Shaun T after these brief announcements.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:52] This episode is sponsored in part by Nickelodeon. On the all new Double Dare, the trivia is tough, the challenges are rough and the giant nose is stuffed and if you don't know what those references are, you're probably not in an ‘80s kid. Was that an ‘80 show or a ‘90 show? Jason?

Jason DeFillippo: [0:39:04] Ah, it feels like ‘80s to me, but yeah, my brain is so addled. Who knows?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:08] I know. Well, they're redoing it. You can't miss a single sloppy second of it. Host Liza Koshy and Double Dare legend, Marc Summers. The original host, if memory serves are bringing you the messiest game show on TV. So don't miss the all new Double Dare weeknights at 8/7 central only on Nickelodeon. Blast from the past.

[00:39:27] By the way, I know a lot of people have been asking me about the Six-Minute Networking course that we have. It's a mini course on networking and relationship development. I go through a lot of the little hacks, drills, exercises that I do daily, weekly, just a few minutes a week to reach out to other people, maintain relationships, build relationships with influencers, people that were or will become guests on the show and how I use systems to create and maintain those relationships as well. And so I put it together in a little mini course called Six-Minute Networking. It's at jordanharbinger.com/course. Jordanharbinger.com/course. This is the stuff I wish I'd known 10, 15 years ago, and I want everyone to have it, so go check out jordanharbinger.com/course, and let me know what you think. And that'll be linked up in the show notes of course as well.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:15] Thanks for listening and supporting the Jordan Harbinger Show. Your support keeps us on the air. For a list of all the discounts from our amazing sponsors. Visit jordanharbinger.com/advertisers. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really does help us out. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now for the conclusion of our interview with Shaun T.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:43] So on the flip side of that same coin, you teach these classes and you've got your own life and your own stuff going on. How do you compartmentalize things in your life and not bring them into your classes and your performances? Like let's say a hangover if you drank or a bad day or a bad week, or you're fighting with your husband or something like that. How do you keep that out of, how do you keep that drama out of your performances in your classes with the other clients that you have?

Shaun T: [00:41:11 ]When I first started teaching class, the first thing I realize is that when I walk into a class or if I'm teaching a large group of people, it's not about me. That hour or 45 minutes or whatever class I'm teaching is not about me. So I'm totally able to walk into, when I'm speaking, or when I'm teaching a large group of people, exercise, it’s not about me. I'm not trying to get motivated. I'm more trying to filter out that same thing that I'm going through off the stage. It's like what super powers did I use to help me maneuver my way through that? And I literally take that and I give it to the audience. So I don't necessarily believe that, you can be effective if you're trying to fix your own issues while trying to give to other people. But I do believe that if you're transparent enough to know that you're going through something, you can utilize a struggle to help other people with their struggle. It's a way of being completely. I use the word transparent a lot, but it's a way of being completely transparent but also to be able to pay it forward.

[00:42:25] And to be honest, because I do let go of this, because my class is never about me or my events are never about me. It literally gives me a free space to not take that energy back home either. You know, when I go do a live event, even if I'm extremely exhausted, I'm like, okay, cool. I'm going back home. I'm going, you know, I'm going with my family. I get to go hang out with Scott and I just leave the two things separate. But like I said, you still utilize some of the struggles or strengths that you gained outside of either space to help the other space. Sometimes I get off stage and I feel so great that I was actually seeing people be successful that even if I was, you know, in a fight with Scott or whatever, I'm like, you know, it's really not that big of a deal. Like I just helped someone, just told me that they lost 120 pounds and they told me the entire story. I'm like, we're arguing about something that's so trivial, right? So it just puts a lot of things into perspective.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:27] Speaking of transparency, I know you're big on that and you have an exercise in T is for Transformation, one of which is search out the shame. Can you take us through that a little bit? Why is this important? How do you do this and how did this help you?

Shaun T: [00:43:42] Searching out the shame is basically searching out and admitting to like what insecurities you could have in your life. A lot of times we act out because we spend a lot of times we act out because we're not great within. One of the things that I had to go through in terms of shame, even though I was the one who was sexually abused. I felt as though, because I was keeping it a secret from everyone, my mother specifically as I got older. I felt guilty like I was having an affair with my mother's spouse. Now, imagine how crazy that feels.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:25] Oh yeah. I didn’t think about it like that.

Shaun T: [00:44:27] Yeah. Like I was the victim, but because I'm not telling her this is happening, you know, I have to almost like here's the shame part coming up, but I have to almost make myself enjoy this so that I can get through it. How shameful is that? And to then go downstairs and see the same person, giving your mom a kiss when he's not drunk, and this whole thing. And I'm just like, I can't believe I'm letting this happen when he just did that to me. And it's horrible, it's a terrible feeling. But you know how you feel and when you search out the shame, you can free yourself, man. Like you can free yourself so greatly.

[00:45:09] And I just want people to know that it is literally okay to have shame from moments. It happens to everyone, and the only person you really have to admit to is yourself because then you are the foundation of where you can go with whatever it is that you reveal to yourself anyway. Once you search it out, once you realize what it is again, it's like, well we talked about before, you are no longer stuffing it in the closet. You can almost get rid of those insecurities and you know where things come from and you know where to place them in your life, and some things stick with you. Like I was 50 pounds overweight. That's why I actually started this journey. It sticks with me. I still have the stretch marks, someone commented on my stretch marks in my photo the other day, in a great way. She was like, I'm really happy that you showed that. I'm like, listen, the only reason why I can help you lose weight it personally. And the only reason why I personally can help you be transparent and help you try to live your best life is because I've been there and I'm not trying to hide the fact that I've been there.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:16] So we examine our insecurities and maybe we journal them, but we don't have to write them. We don't have to wear them on our sleeve. We don't have to flaunt them around all over the place. They're really just for us.

Shaun T: [00:46:25] Yeah. You know, I see a lot of people on social media who are trying to build their following or maybe to take an a group of people through some sort of transformation and they just sit there and they tell their story and I'm like, instead of telling your story, talk about what you learned. I feel like if you constantly show that you're learning and you're still learning every day like you can really just attract people and it just becomes more clear about what your journey is and where you need to go. And the best person to know that is you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:58]So coming out with our own insecurities and having those at the forefront of our minds so we can attack those. It sort of dovetails a little bit with something else that I saw in the book, which you call the discomfort development plan. Can we relate this to something non fitness? Because I know your beach body fitness superstar, but a lot of people are thinking, all right, fine, I don't need to learn about that. I'll listen to somebody else about fitness. I don't need Jordan to tell me about this. Can we do a discomfort development plan, discussion that has nothing to do with losing weight or getting a shape?

Shaun T: [00:47:28] Yeah. So just to be fully transparent.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:31] Your favorite word.

Shaun T: [00:47:32] Yes. So in order to develop who you are, you have to take it step by step approach to learn who you are, and it has nothing. I'm going to tell you a secret, which is not a secret anymore because I've been talking about it. I do not enjoy working out every single day. It is so whack. So it's not meaning like exercise is great for you, but I'm saying what's more important is your life in your business, in your family, and things that are helping you thrive, I think, and I hate to bring up exercise, but I think exercise aides in the release of endorphins, but when you talk about developing who you are, you have to look, you have to take a 360 degree look about who you are, like you are the nucleus of your existence.

[00:48:16] You literally are the center of your universe and one of the superpowers I talk about in my book is being selfish and positively selfish. And so in order for you to develop a step by step plan, the step by step approach to become a better you, you have to first understand that it’s true that the world does revolve around you in such a good way, I mean. Because imagine you go into work and you have a negative attitude, then negative attitude is going to filter through everything and everybody in that job. Imagine you come home from work and you have a negative attitude. It's going to filter through everything in all the energy in your home. And so you have to be very, very aware of who you are so that you can develop a plan and be able to attack it as needed. So I do go back to, it's not the thing, that's the thing.

[00:49:05] If you needed to develop a plan of on being an amazing entrepreneur, you have to know what you're passionate about, things you love, things you don't like, and you have to go back into the entire history of you and see and admit to whatever you can't commit to, your shortcomings, and you have to look at it the things that you're great at. And so when you do that and you take that 360 degree, look at who you are, and you're open to that. Again, if you're open to it because you have to be open to it, and you have to accept the realness that you see, you will be able to develop a plan and develop goals and achieve goals that you want, so that you can literally not just achieve the goals, but you can thrive in every step that it takes for you to get to that goal.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:52] For the discomfort development plan, one of the notes that you had in the book also is discomfort is risk and discovery is the reward for that risk. What do you mean by that?

Shaun T: [00:50:03] Discomfort is risks, and the thing is when you are, it's almost like talking about the very first superpower in the book, which is uncomfortability. I mean if you, a lot of people will see or feel something that they want to go after, but it's so uncomfortable to get there that they don't want to go after it. And so the first thing I say is the risk worth the reward. Is the risk worth the reward? For me it was, do I want to leave my hometown at such a young age and move out to LA and reroute my life in my forward focus to become the professional dancer that I'm really passionate about? The risk for me was worth the reward, because I was so passionate about wanting to be a dancer that it didn't matter if I live paycheck to paycheck, I wanted to succeed at whatever it is that was going to make me happy.

[00:50:57] And so, just to really simplify it, is the risk worth the reward? I have a friend of mine now who actually wants to open up his own business and he's pretty young and he hates his job. And so everything else, everything he talks about is how he like, “I don't like the job. I don't like the job.” But it's comfortable because you're getting that paycheck. But I said three years from now when technology changes and when things change and you're going to look back and say, “Oh my gosh, you know I actually I should've did that. I should've went after that.” And my whole point is you have to do it now. If the risk is worth the reward, you have to get uncomfortable and understand that discomfort is literally your best friend. Every day we wake up and a lot of people, listen, I was on food stamps when I was younger, like my family didn't have a lot of money. But I still every single day I wake up trying to find that uncomfortable space because I know if I find an uncomfortable space it's going to keep me working. It's going to keep me moving.

[00:52:02] And I always ask myself, is the risk of doing his worth the reward? Like if I actually fail at doing this, am I going to be happy that I try, and if the answer is yes, you need to go for it. Because if you do attempt to do something that's really uncomfortable and you go after discomfort, you are basically telling yourself that you're a fighter. You're basically telling yourself that it doesn't matter what happens in your life. You're going to try and dig deep and you're going to try to be successful. And people like that even, you know, was I a professional dancer? Yes, but I didn't think yet. I would be, I'm sitting in my transformation center right now. I'm looking up on my, I never thought I'd be on the cover of men's health when I decided to get my car to go across country. That didn't cross my mind. But you open up your doors to so many different opportunities when you make discomfort, your best friend.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:53] Speaking of beyond the cover of men's health, how self-conscious are you when you're a fitness guy and you're taking a photo for the cover of your own book? The stakes are pretty high, man.

Shaun T: [00:53:03] It's a nightmare. It is a nightmare because contrary to popular belief, it's hard for me to stay really ripped. Some people would be like, what do you mean? I work very hard to stay in a zone. I stay in the zone because I'm never only one week. It’s so hard to stand a zone. So you get in front of a camera and you have to look a certain way. Not necessarily look alert certain way, but when you want to look a certain way, you nitpick everything about with that picture, that photo looks like. But here's a little funny thing. Add a little humor to this talk. The thing about my book that is annoying is like my favorite part of my body is my ass. So I'm like I can't even show that off. You know what I mean?

Like that's my favorite asset. You know what I mean?

[00:53:57] I think everybody in the world has to have a certain part of their body that this their go to. I call it their asset simply because mine is like my ass. So if I'm like, if I'm not feeling good in the ab area or the arm area or if I feel you know bloated in the face or whatever, do you always got to have that go to part where you just like, you know what? I'm just going to focus on this today when I look in the mirror and I'm still good.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:54:22] On that same token, what if we find ourselves feeling like we aren't where we're supposed to be, or I want to be further along in this, you know, how do you stop those negative thought loops? Because I would imagine you're pretty hard on yourself, right? Because you're on stage, you've got DVDs you got to make, you've got fitness programs you got to make, your given talks, you know, and you have to be in prime physical condition for all this stuff. But you also have two kids and a husband. How do you avoid kind of comparing yourself not only to other people, but even to other versions of yourself? How do you get out of those loops?

Shaun T: [00:54:53] I don’t any more, or like when I was younger, I used to think that I was supposed to be a certain way, but I no longer thing I'm supposed to be anything. I literally have learned to accept that this is me and this is where I'm at right now. I mean I literally prime example, I feel really good right now where I'm at in my life. And I posted a photo or a video or something the other day and some woman was like, I like the insanity Shaun T better. He was like bigger and I was just like, you know what? You ain't going to please everybody. And I mean as actually comments or her, I said thank you because I was like, you just basically validated that where I want my, I want to say my thinness but like my lean is to be so it was, she actually gave me a compliment and didn't even know it.

[00:55:43] But anyway, my whole point is I ain't even supposed to be nowhere, because you made the decision to be where you are right now. I think that's the problem with people say, I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Well where were you supposed to be? Because if we rewind and take a look at the choices and decisions that you made, then even if for some reason you don't want to be here, you made the decisions to be at this moment. And the good thing is, now that you're here, you're probably in your stress and about not being where you're quote unquote “supposed to be.” That should light some fire under your tail and say,all right, I may have to, you know, work harder. I may have to take a slightly different path. Or we create these roadmaps to success, but sometimes you got to stop at the coffee shop and meet somebody when you're gone down that road that might help guide you in a different direction or guides you along that path.

[00:56:35] So, when I get on stage, I literally I let it go. I let it go. I'm like, listen, I know that I'm going to be anywhere between 188 and 200 pounds. And so now that I know that I'm going to be there, this is my 10 pound, because I can't be super ripped all the time. I mean that's a nightmare. And I want to say who wants to live like that? But there are people that want to live like that. But I'm like, listen, I do not have the time because there are some times with our brother goes on vacation and those french fries and I'd like go in. Or it might be some days where it's more than 85 percent healthy and 15 percent fun. It might be a good like 25 percent fun. But you know, again, it goes back to, we were talking about before is the risk worth the reward? Is me taking a week or so off, I'm not going super, super hard. Is it the reward of that is being able to relax and relax at home and no, I don't have to go on a road. It's exciting. So, for me, when I say am I where I'm supposed to be, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:40] when we compare ourselves to others or even ourselves. I think that often stems from people that we're with or maybe the people that we're around. And in the book, you talk about this negative guy that you were dating and how when you grow with a partner, other people might hold you back because your own growth highlights their insecurity. And I talk about that a lot here on the show, that we often keep ourselves down so that others around us won't get angry or they won't get jealous. And I've recently experienced this kind of in too vivid of a way where I split from another business for these exact reasons. How do you recommend people break through that as well? Because I think a lot of us, if we really think about it, there are people in our lives that we're friends or even family with where we go, “Oh my gosh, I've been purposely not talking about this or not excelling in this area because I don't want that person to feel bad or mistreat me or get jealous or feel bad about themselves.”

Shaun T: [00:58:36] Yeah. I mean it kind of goes back to what I said before where you're not going to please everyone.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:58:41] Right. But that's hard to feel and realize, right? Because sometimes it's like, well you're not going to please everybody. What if it's your husband? What if it's your boyfriend? What if it's your mom, right? It's harder that way.

Shaun T: [00:58:52] Yeah. Yeah, it's harder. And I remember when I lost weight, I would go home and people would be like, “Oh my God, you're too skinny.” And it would be like, wait a minute. I just went through this entire however long trying to lose weight and get super happy about who I am. For someone to tell me that I'm too skinny, and completely ruined my progress. But you know what? Here's the thing. It's hard and it affects you. But the thing is that's the baggage. That's the baggage in your life that you can't get rid of your mom necessarily. You can't get rid of your husband necessarily if you have a great relationship. But that's where you got to bring communication, and communication needs to be your super power because a lot of times when we succumb to people's hating of us and they're unhappy with our happiness, we kind of shut down and we go in a shell.

[00:59:48] And so you have to start being vocal. It's, this is the way you're making me feel when you say this, because I think a lot of times people I know now, I think, I know a lot of times when people say things to bring other people down, they're going through their own insecurities, number one. And they probably don't even realize that what they're saying is affecting that other person at such a deep level. But you have to use communication as your super power to say, “Yo, listen,” and one thing I learned is, soft on a person, hard on a problem. It’s not attacking your husband or your mom being, I can't believe you said that about me and get into this big fight. You talk about the problem. Here's the issue. I'm feeling really, really bad because of comments, and really try to help them understand I'm feeling really bad.

[01:00:44] Are you going to keep on trying to make me feel really bad? And if their answers yes, then that's all a whole another conversation. But if they say, I didn't really want to make you feel bad, I think you, you lost too much weight. Okay, so why? Why do you think? Why? Why do you think I've lost too much weight? What if I told you I'm very happy and content, and it just opens up a dialogue for you to be able to talk to people. Because a lot of times people just want to write people off, but these people do need to know these people who are quote unquote “hating on your success.” They do need to know how it makes you feel and you don't need to cower down to that feeling. You need to address it because communication for me is the best medicine when it comes to human relationships.

Jordan Harbinger: [01:01:31] I know that you're big on making your windshield bigger than your rear view mirror. Tell us what that means. This is a really cool exercise that I think a lot of people could stand to do.

Shaun T: [01:01:41] Your windshield is and should your windshield should be bigger than your rear view mirror. If you think about the rear view mirror, it is this small thing and what is it doing? It's looking in the past. And wow, you always want to have a moment where you can look back and find successful moments that you have had or struggles that you've overcome. The windshields should be bigger issue. Be clear. You should have great peripheral vision on where you want to go in your life. Because when you look through a rear view mirror, you see things, you see specific things because they already happen, but when you look through a windshield, your peripheral vision should show you not only the lines that are road but the colors of the trees, the color of the sky. If other people are pulling up alongside of you that you need to know. And more importantly, when your windshield is so big on a nice clear day, you can see further through the distance and you should always strive to just continue to go down the rural. Being able to see everything you need to see and always think forward and think ahead. Knowing that that's small little rear view mirror is where you came from, but you can utilize that to say look up and say, you know what? Thank you for the struggle. Thank you for the happiness. Thank you for the challenges, but I'm moving ahead. Because you can never get rid of your past, you can never get rid of your history, but when you can do is use it to propel you forward. So when something has already happened, the only thing you can do is move ahead.

Jordan Harbinger: [01:03:19] So we sort of look at triggers that we might've had in the past and learned to spot them in the future, but not just keep focused on them for the rest of our lives.

Shaun T: [01:03:28] I said it'd before. If you don't deal with your past, you're going to get stuck in your past. And looking through your rear view mirror, you know you've dealt with it. You're like, all right, cool. That's there. Great. It happened. So now I can use these little tools, use these little things to move forward. And the last thing I'll say in terms of that is everyone out there is wearing a secret backpack. If you actually look back and look at all the successful moments you had, all the struggles you had through each one of them you've learned something really great. You've learned a valuable lesson, which turns into a tool that you can use to move forward. So make sure you always wear that secret backpack so that you can always pull it out. So when you're looking through your windshield, you can say, all right, cool. I'm going to use this tool. I'm going to use this superpower to help me move forward.

Jordan Harbinger: [01:04:15] Shaun, as we wrap, man, tell me about your grandmother. I know she was a big influence in your life.

Shaun T: [01:04:19] My grandmother was literally my favorite person ever. She was just always so nice to me. She’s the person who made me understand that it doesn't matter the color of somebody's skin. It doesn't matter how amazing they are at their job. It doesn't matter how much money they have, as long as they're good person and a good human. And she was such a good human, and I utilize just the things that she taught me even today when I even hire new people to work for my team. If someone, I'd rather take a good human over someone who's qualified or more qualified for the job because I know that I can always work with and be around good people. And I know that there'll be open to change and I'll be open to challenges and it will be open to making the a great place.

[01:05:18] I mean literally my grandmother was just my favorite person in the planet. And I remember when I was shooting Insanity, it was the second month of shooting Insanity and she had passed away between the first month and the second month. And she literally gave me the power to dig deep. And everyone wants to know, where's dig deep, come from? Well while I was actually shooting that video, I was also dealing with the loss of the greatest person that I had ever known. And I was able to go out there on that set and really help people push. So when you see me in Insanity, and I'm talking to the screen, I'm not talking about you really need a six pack or I'm not talking about how great you are and how much weight you're losing, I'm literally giving you the power to tell you that you can do it. And I was feeling the struggle, but just in a mental way. And I know that if I was able to do that when someone's in floor sprints face down, not being able to even hold their selves up in a plank position anymore, I can say you're right there. Keep on going. Keep digging deeper.

Jordan Harbinger: [01:06:27] Shaun, thank you so much, man. Really cool. Vulnerability. Lot of takeaways in the book, T is for Transformation. We barely even got to some of these things because there's so much in there. Obviously a lot of practicals. You yourself being a trainer of other folks, so I really appreciate your time and your candor and your vulnerability, man.

Shaun T: [01:06:45] I appreciate you and let's get together soon. And thank you so much and I literally hope people can, not just because of what I say, but just being able to reflect on their own lives and looking at the entire history of them and being able to take things that they take their strengths and make them superpowers.

Jordan Harbinger: [01:07:06] Yeah, Shaun’s a really good dude. I'm glad we got a chance to do this episode. I really, he's a good sport. He's fun. He's funny, great speaker and those workouts he does are really, really bonkers. I mean this is the guys dedicated to his craft and deserves all the success in the world.

[01:07:20] Great big thank you to Shaun T. The book title is T is for Transformation and if you're on the fence because you think it might be a fitness book, it's not. It's about his transformation. It's about some of the stuff we talked about here on the show. It's not just full of workouts and stuff like that. If you enjoyed this one, don't forget to thank Shaun on Twitter. That will all be linked up in the show notes for this episode. That can be found at jordanharbinger.com/podcast. Tweet at me your number one takeaway from Shaun T. I'm @jordanharbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. And don't forget, if you want to learn how to apply everything that Shaun taught us today, make sure you go grab those worksheets. Also linked up in the show notes at jordanharbinger.com/podcast.

[01:07:57] This episode was produced and edited by Jason DeFillippo. Show notes are by Robert Fogarty. Booking back office and last minute miracles by Jen Harbinger. And I'm your host, Jordan harbinger. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots of more like this in the pipeline, we're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time.