125: How to Cure PLOM (Poor Little Old Me) Disease | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Cure PLOM (Poor Little Old Me) Disease | Feedback Friday (Episode 125)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrated American Thanksgiving the other day. If you celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving, I also hope you had a great Thanksgiving whenever that was. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show. We love having conversations with our fascinating guests and this week we had Dr. David Buss talking about jealousy mate retention and why people do seemingly irrational things in relationships in order to keep their partner or upgrade to another partner. And we had my friend Kristen Carney here on the topic of depression, which is extremely common here around the holidays especially.

[00:00:37] Of course our primary mission is to pass along our guests insights and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today, here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Try to keep them concise if you can. It really does help us get your question answered here on the air. As always, we've got some fun ones and we've got some doozies, so I can't wait to dive in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mail bag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:04] Hey Jordan, Jen and Jason. I'm very close to my sister who's 27 and is two years older than myself who has been married for seven years and has four kids. I've also been friends with her husband who's 28 off and on over the years. Years ago, my parents cautioned me on it being inappropriate for her husband and I to be close buddies, so we've been distant friends for a long time. We struck up a bit of a friendship again a few weeks ago, just sending funny memes back and forth in a group message. Shortly afterwards he confided in me over a private text that he was dissatisfied with the lack of sex in their relationship, so I encouraged my sister in a roundabout way to be sure to not become one of quote unquote those wives who shut off that part of the relationship. I offered to keep the kids for a weekend, encourage them to spend some time together. My sister is a growth mindset type of woman, a hard worker, incredibly generous, fairly sheltered, and naturally pretty despite having four kids pulling it from all sides day and night. She's a little stressed at there, tight budget, but she's a positive person with deeply conservative Christian roots. I checked in with him again this evening because he wasn't responding to my questions about whether I had helped. Since she responded very positively when I encouraged her to check in with him about how they're doing. His response was basically that it didn't move the bar enough, even when I suggested that he outright tell her his frustration and request more sex, I'm a very straightforward person that way. He proceeded to tell me that it's useless. He's tried it, which I doubt and that he's constantly fantasizing about other women and his almost cheated several times going as far as driving to a girl's place. The reason I kept texting him was that I hope to be a reasoning influence to prevent him from talking himself into cheating on my sister, which I predict he's dangerously close to doing. He was her only boyfriend and she's always been very sheltered and would probably never even consider that he'd cheat on her. He's a bit controlling, which she never minded. He's always tended to be buddies with females but not really with the guys. He's always struggled with plum disease. Poor little old me. I've never heard that before. This is great.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:57] No, me neither. That's hilarious.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:59] And was bullied by his brothers badly up until a few years ago. His attitude has always been at me against the world in picking and choosing sides for things. She has a nursing baby, a toddler, a three year old, and a six year old. This would absolutely devastate her. He spends long hours away working or going to rodeos, horse shows, movies, et cetera with my 18 year old sister who is his best buddy and he's really pulled away from his family over the past year.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:24] Wait with her 18 year old sister? So wait. The husband who is fantasizing about other women and is confiding in one sister, hangs out mostly with their younger sister also. Yeah. This is so icky. All right, continue.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:40] Yes. I mean there's so many red flags popping up already.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:44] Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:44] He gets up early, works long hours and goes home late, goes out to drink alone or on trips alone. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't out him in any way without creating an absolute hell for the entire family. My sister may actually suspect something since she went to see an outside counselor recently. She's trying to keep their struggles quiet and deal with it alone. I would be grateful for advice. He would hate me forever if I told anyone and he would know if it came out in any form that it came from me. My family would excommunicate them if they knew and my sister would probably never trust another man again. He was her Prince charming, not to mention her preoccupation with four kids. He even told me that he fantasized about me.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:21] Oh, not good. Okay. Wow! All right. Finish. Bring it home. I got thoughts.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:28] And if he would admit that to me then I know he's totally out of his mind. In the past he was very conservative, very grounded and stable, but work has been a roller coaster of stress for a couple of years now. Money is tight, his church split, and it's all changed him dramatically. Is it possible to get him back into his right mind before it's too late or do I watch silently until eventually the plane has crashed and helped pick up the pieces? PSA. This is why you should never have kids early if you marry young. Signed, Watching a Plane Crash.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:58] Oh my gosh, this is bonkers. Okay, so in a way the parents were right about her not buddying up to the husband so much. But then again, not knowing this wouldn't really have helped that much either because it would've just gone unchecked. I don't really get that. I also don't totally agree with, “Hey, you can't be really close to your sister's husband.” You're a family. You should be able to do that without some sort of weird, uncontrollable penis from the husband. Like what the hell? But here's the first thing. Number one, he's already cheated. I don't know it as a fact. I don't need to. He may even have a girlfriend. Dudes go out and goes on trips by himself. Okay, maybe that's legit, but first of all, he sounds like a skis for sure, and he's going on all these trips and everything alone with his wife and four kids at home.

[00:05:44] First of all, he seems like a narcissist period. Secondly, he's already cheated. I can promise you. The other thing is he's on the prowl and he wants to sleep with you too. No surprise here. Watching a Plane Crash is definitely on his list of women that he's trying to get after. This was clear to me even before she mentioned that he said he fantasized about her.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:07] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:07] So this, when he said, “Oh, I've fantasized about you too.” I was like, “Yeah, no surprise there.” I was waiting for that in the email. And this whole lack of sex rant was actually just him testing the waters with her.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:19] Yep.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:20] So this isn't like, “Oh, I have this problem in my marriage.” No, no, no, no. This is him being like, “Hey, FYI. I'm throwing a little flag out here.” You're in the prison yard rolling up your sleeve to show off your tattoo and so that you know you can find the right crowd. That's what that was. The other thing is he's hanging out all the time with your 18 year old sister. What the hell is going on over there?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:45] Yeah. Apparently their parents didn't tell the 18 year old the memo that she should stay away from him.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:51] I know. What the heck? This is a disaster waiting to happen slash has already happened. I really hope it hasn't.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:57] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:58] Are you one, what I would ask her is, are you 100 percent sure that nothing is going on between your 18 year old sister in him? What grown man hangs out with an 18 year old girl that's a sister of his wife in all kinds of different scenarios? It's different -- look, if they're the only two people that are interested in horses or something like that. Fine. But even then all the time, it's just -- this does not check out, man.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:23] This has me thinking this guy's going for a trifecta for all three sisters.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:26] Yeah. Because he's a crazy person, dude. And look, the 18 is young age. People that age are often easy to manipulate. People 10 years older than that are easy to manipulate it. This sounds fishy, especially given everything else. There is no way that nothing is going on here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:44] Yeah, you cannot sit -- you cannot just sit back and watch this implode. You have to come clean. The best way to do this is to gather, I think -- Jason, you can help me out here, but gather screenshots of what's going on here, of the text messages, get a babysitter for your sister's kids, get any sort of evidence you need because you're not just going to be able to tell this. You have to show this. So get the screenshots together, get them saved, get them on your phone, whatever. Then get a babysitter for your sister's kids. Get her for the entire day. Girl's day out, whatever you need to do. You should then sit her down in private, either at your house or get a hotel room or something so that nobody can surprise you guys. You don't want people showing up. You don't want interruptions. You don't want somebody running to the other room and telling “Dad, you've got to tell your sister everything.” Will she be mad at you for talking to her husband? Probably that'll pass. You may even want to get your mother a few hours prior and tell her I'm on the fence about this though, because if mom's advice was don't talk to your sister's husband because I don't know, because it's 1842, then you got something going -- that's something strange is going on here. But use your judgment on this, get your mother a few hours prior. Tell her and get her on your side. Do not tell her on the phone. Make sure you have your mother in private, because what we don't want is mom can't handle it and goes, “Oh my God.” Larry, Joanna has tax from so and so, like what you did. And then he goes and gets the shotgun and then suddenly we're in the middle of a show down in the front yard with all the neighbors watching and the kids are crying in the window while Grandpa, pistol whips Daddy.

[00:09:21] So get your mother, if you can trust her with this, as support, get your sister alone without the kids and certainly without the husband, and hopefully he's going to be gone for a few days ideally because she's not going to recover by 7 p.m when he gets home from work. And show them everything. Don't explain it. Show them everything. Your sister's going to need a lot of support with this. You're going to need to get a therapist for the marriage, lawyers for the divorce, if that's what's in the cards. This is a doozy. I am sorry you're going through this and you know now that I think about it, you might even depending on how this all goes, you might even want to have 18 year old sister probably not in the room but afterwards and go, “What's going on?” Because I foresee mother crying followed by sister crying, and then you bring in the 18 year old when the dust has settled a little bit and then she confesses something really disgusting to all of you, or hints at it.

[00:10:22] I'm afraid of that. I hope that that's not the case, but it's better to take care of it now than to wait until things get even worse, and then you're going to have to come clean later about all of that. And the fact that you knew the whole time and you didn't protect your sister because you were worried about her getting mad at you, and you're going to regret that if you wait.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:41] What do you think about timing on this though? Because the holidays are here. This is coming up on Christmas. This is going to ruin the kids' Christmas.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:48] Okay, good point. Fair. So the writer here, don't tell anyone, if you decide not to do it right now for the holidays and the kids don't tell anyone else because what you don't want is Mom kind of knows and somebody, Dad found out. But you managed to keep him calm, but he's not good at hiding his emotions and your husband knows too, and that's not going to work. You can maybe out -- you can maybe vent to your husband. I would go to a therapist and have a professional wing man for this type of thing, because this is not something you want to be able to take on yourself and then sit on for the whole holiday. And then also dot, dot, dot, you're going crazy and the whole thing's a miserable experience for you. I would get a professional wing man for this in the form of a therapist, if that makes sense? This is so ugly, man. I don't -- I need a shower right now. This is so ugly. Woo.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:49] Let's move on to another one.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:50] Yeah. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:51] Hello J Cubed.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:52] Nice.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:53] I have an issue with the business owner of my side hustle. Basically I teach music lessons on the side of my full time gig. I'm employed through our local performing arts studio in a small town. I love the students and what I do. However, I've recently had issues with the owner of the studio. She's generally a good person who cares about her students and once the studio to be a good environment, not held down by perfection, but fun for the kids. My issue happens when it comes to administrative business. The owner isn't the most organized person. She often jokes about how disorganized she is and how she forgets things a lot.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:23] Ugh! That's the worst.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:25] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:25] Oh, I'm so disorganized, but I'm still smarter than you about everything.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:29] And I signed your paycheck.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:30] Right, exactly. Oh my gosh.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:33] However, she expects her employees to basically be mind readers. There've been several times where I or another employee had been reprimanded due to something we quote unquote should have known. I believe she thinks she's setting clear expectations, but often when we think we know how something is to be done, she gets upset at us that we didn't know the expectations or exact details about how a procedure should be in the first place. This makes things difficult as it takes several weeks if not months in the new procedures being introduced for them to be implemented exactly how she had it in her mind. When we confront her about not understanding of procedure or tone is often dismissive as if we're asking stupid questions and should know this. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and recently, when an employee stood up for herself and stated that it wasn't fair how the owner was treating us, that employee was fired.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:19] Ooh.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:20] I'm concerned that the owner has gotten into it and it's so hard to find good help mentality and doesn't realize how she's coming across and making her employees feel. I want her business to be successful and it's great to have some arts and culture in a one stop light town. However, I don't know how long I can walk on eggshells around her without being 100 percent sure on certain procedures and expectations. Any advice on how to approach this? Should I give her advice? Ask the other employees what they think and if they'd be willing to have a sit down with the owner. Any advice will be helpful. Thank you so much for everything that you do. Sincerely, Not a Mind Reader.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:54] Well long question, but short answer. This is bad leadership 101. Whenever things aren't clear to the team, that's always the fault of the communicator. In fact, whenever you're communicating and things aren't clear to other people, it's always you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:08.1] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:08] Like look, I mean there are exceptions, but no, no, it's always you. You've got to take extreme ownership here on this, or at least I should say your leader, your boss should take extreme ownership here. Since that's not happening, you've got to take extreme ownership as well, so extreme ownership in this case by the way, credit Jocko for that concept, Jocko Willink, the case for extreme ownership here is that you, not a mind reader need to realize that you're either going to continue to put up with this crap, you're going to get fired, or there's going to be a mutiny. I don't see too many other options here.

[00:14:42] By mutiny, I mean you can group up with the other staff and you can air your concerns. You may still get fired though. Especially if you're the one that has the side hustle and everyone else's full time. Even if you get them all to confront her and she's like, “Who started this?? They're all going to point at you because you're the one who doesn't need this for the mortgage. So be careful, but if you're comfortable with that as a potential consequence, then I say go for it. So be prepared for that. Maybe you can teach the lessons out of your home instead. This way your side hustle is intact and you are your own boss at that point. And I'm sorry to hear about this, but bad leaders who aren't self-aware, can be pretty dangerous to be around because nothing is ever their fault and that's a huge problem that you're not going to fix on your own.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:26] Yeah, I've worked with people like that pretty recently.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:30] Hmm, hmm.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:30] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:31] Hmm, yep.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:32] Glad those people are gone.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:35] Truth.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:38] This is feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:41] This episode is also sponsored in part by Gusto. Gusto is a payroll benefits in HR for modern small businesses. We actually use it here at the company and the show. And if you have a business or you know someone who does, you probably know that small business owners like us, well, we were a lot of hats and some of those hats are great, but some like filing taxes and running payroll, not so much fun and that's where Gusto comes in. Gusto for Jen has been making payroll taxes, HR pretty easy for small business like us. Fast and simple, payroll processing benefits, expert HR support in one place, and running your payroll with Gusto takes seven minutes or so on average and Gusto automatically pays and files federal, state, and local taxes, so you don't even have to worry about it. Plus they make it really easy to add on health benefits and even 401Ks for your team. So those old school clunky payroll providers, which obviously were not built for the way modern small businesses work, you can ditch those and go with Gusto. Let them handle one of those hats.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:37] Listeners get three months free once they run their first payroll. Go to gusto.com/jordan and try a demo and see for yourself at gusto.com/Jordan. That's gusto.com/jordan to get three months for you when you run your first payroll.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:50] By the way, everybody, I'm looking for some creative spaces in which to record the show. They have to be quiet spaces of course, but I'm going to New York, Los Angeles on the regular. I do hit other big cities as well, San Francisco especially. So if you are the manager of a hotel and you've got an art space that's open during the day or if you have a cool bar that has a private room that's actually really quiet during the daytime or in the early evening, something like that. This is great. We've gotten a lot of emails from people who have really nice homes, managed bars, and other venues that are mostly empty during the day, except for a couple of staff, et cetera. This is really great. We're going to be doing a lot of video this coming year, and so I do the interviews in person, and if I don't have to rent a sound studio but can have a kind of cool unique space that's not so sterile, it really is great. So if you have something like that, shoot me an email jordan@jordanharbinger.com. These are super helpful. We'd love to hang out with you there as well if it's your spot and take you out to lunch or something like that as well. You can the guests of the show, of course, and Jen and I will be there. So if you have a great space and it's quiet enough during the day while we're there, jordan@jordanharbinger.com. Thanks so much.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:59] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

[00:18:13] Hi Jordan, Jason, Jen, and team. I've signed up for the Six-Minute Networking Course at jordanharbinger.com/levelone, and had been working my way very slowly through the material to try and ensure that the habits embed properly. I found the tasks a perfect fit for the 15 to 30-ish minutes. It takes in the evening to settle my three year old son to sleep. These networking actions have already started to pay dividends with a recent modification to the conditions at my workplace. I'm now on the hunt for a new job and already have options available through some of my contacts. I've also ended up with at least one of them acting as something of a mentor to me in my professional career, so thanks for those techniques. My question is using these networking skills, how does one actively develop new contacts? Is it a somewhat passive process that occurs organically through the networking habits you've described? I'm still very much at the threshold of my industry sub-sector and would love some advice on how to consider this aspect of my network development. Thanks, Ready to Learn.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:07] So yes, Teady to Learn. Networking is a way of being in a set of habits. What I mean by that is you don't have to go and turn it on. This doesn't have to be something where you're like, “Oh, I got to go to seven networking meetings a month,” and then gland hand and hand out Vista print business cards that curl up in people's hands when they hit moisture.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:25] I hate those things.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:27] You know, by doing what you're doing Six-Minute Networking, you're constantly meeting new people and you're re-engaging weaker or dormant network ties, and that's a great practice. The reason is because everyone thinks, I don't know anyone you do, you know tons of people there just dormant ties in your network. You need to reactivate those. The key to that is consistency and then of course adding value by giving without the expectation of getting anything in return. So if you reengage people every day using the stuff from Six-Minute Networking and you help other people consistently without the attachment of getting anything in return, in order to add value and become a hub of that network, you're going to find loads of opportunity and introductions to new contacts. Those people will come back out of your network as well. Thanks for the note and keep hammering away at LevelOne. If you want to get into LevelOne, jordanharbinger.com/course is where that's at. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:18] Hi guys. Almost two years ago, I started a job in local government and loved it, but it was part time. I'm 30 years old and needed a good salary and benefits. I asked my boss if my job would go full time in the coming year and she said she didn't think so. One day her boss and I went out to lunch, he lost a bet and had to buy, and he told me that if he could help me find a job full time somewhere else, he'd be happy to help. I'd never even brought up my job situation to him, so I took this to be the final word. You're not going full time. I started look in, ended up with an offer from another town. I verbally accepted their offer on a Friday because why wouldn't I? I was told my current job wasn't going full time. When I went in on Monday to give my boss my two weeks, she said to give her a few days. She came back with a full time offer just like that. I'm probably naive but I never expected this to happen. It beat the new towns offer and I preferred to stay at my current job anyhow. I called the new town, apologized and said that my current job gave me an offer that I would be accepting. They were not too pleased on the phone. I felt terrible. I still love my current job and don't anticipate leaving anytime soon, but there are only so many towns in my area and I don't want to burn a bridge. I also really did like the people I interviewed with. Is there a way I can reconnect with them? Since local governments don't really compete with each other, it would be nice to have a connection to share ideas with and get a different perspective from. And of course, if the worst should happen, got to dig the well before I'm thirsty, right? Signed, Mending the Bridge.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:44] Wow! Okay, great. This is actually a really good question because you should be mending bridges or at least ideally not burning them in the first place. So definitely reach back out to them. Ask if you can buy them a coffee at some point in the coming week and you'll head over there, tell them they don't have to come to you, of course. Clarify that you're not asking for your job offer to be put back on the table because I have a feeling that when you call and you say, “Hey, I'd love to meet up with you, blah, blah, blah to get lunch, get you a cup of coffee.” They're going to be like, “Eh, look, we filled the position,” and you're going to say, “Yeah, but I realized that I could have handled that better and I want to repair this relationship because I think that in the future I would love to make sure that you know that I'm looking out for you and vice versa. And I would love to make sure that I have a chance to repair this. And they might even say, “Oh, well you're fine. It's fine. We were disappointed.” And you say, “Yeah, I know and I want to find out how I can help what you're doing and make it better and then continue to help you in the future.” If that doesn't work, then they don’t want to ever want to see you again. But that's something in there is going to work. Offer to help them find someone else for the position if that's still open and if you can, and ask what their other needs are as well. When you meet up like, “Oh well what we're looking for is this, but we can't find that or in our office, one of our biggest pains in the bud is this, and you might say, “Actually we kind of have this process for that. Like, “Oh yeah, you got paper stacking up in the printer room.” Actually what we did is one of us, we all chipped in and went to Walmart and got this container and now the thing is off the floor.

[00:23:14] There's a lot of little tweaks that people do in offices and if the offices are largely the same with similar processes, like a government, you can probably help them and vice versa. So I strongly recommend checking that out and figuring out what their needs are and helping them. Explain the situation and just accept the fact that you could have handled it better, if that indeed is the case. And they weren't just disappointed not to get you. So if they sounded disappointed on the phone, they might've been like, “Oh man, we thought we had you.” They might not be like, “That guy's a jerk.”

You don't know. So you want to find out. Then keep in touch with those in that office on the regular via email, text, whatever's appropriate, and then make helpful double opt in introductions. And if you don't know what those are, if you don't know what the double opt in intro is, go to jordanharbinger.com/course. We'll teach you that there. And be as valuable as you can to and for them over the next few years. But I love where your head's at. You never want to leave a bridge burn if you can avoid it. So best of luck and keep in touch.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:10] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:55] Hey, by the way, a lot of you have been emailing me and saying, “Hey, do you still coach single guys? Do you still coach single women? I know you're not really into that anymore. Can you refer me?” I actually do know some amazing people that are doing this. They're the best in that business. Hands down. Very, very, very good at what they do. I have seen some ridiculous transformations. These are guys and gals that I've known for a really, really long time, I mean upwards of a decade. So if you're one of the people that emailed me or tweeted me or whatever media about that, then shoot me a message, jordan@jordanharbinger.com. I will happily refer you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:32] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air and to learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Back to the show for conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:46] All right, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:48] Hi, Jordan and company. I grew up most of my life without my father. He divorced my mother when I was still a baby. During my childhood, he always promised me things but never kept his promises. He would come over to pick me up, but then didn't show up. He lied to me about gifts I would get and told me things that didn't quite match up. I was still a child and believed everything, but at the age of nine having disappointment after disappointment, I told him I never wanted to see him again. This has had a lot of impact on my entire life. I have abandonment issues and I'm insecure all the time. Things have improved a lot because I worked hard on myself. I'm 33 now. I had a meetup with one of his brothers a couple of months ago, after my father contacted me through social media and blocked me right after his message.

[00:27:29] My uncle told me that my father is indeed a liar and has been all of his life and understood all the pain I went through. It was a good conversation. He talked with my father afterwards and my father unblocked me. When I asked him why he blocked me, he told me something that was completely impossible. I confronted him with his lie. He denied it and deflected to other subjects in the conversation. He told me he wanted to tell his story, and I agreed. Although I felt frustrated since he wouldn't even tell me the truth in our first conversation in years. I got along email where he claimed my grandfather, my mother's father, sexually abused him once. He writes about this with a lot of details and he claims that my mother knows about it, but she claims she has no clue at all. How do I know this is the truth? If all the ever does is lie. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I don't want to get hurt again. Thanks, In Search of the Truth.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:18] Oh wow. So this is unfortunate. Lots of emotional ones today, Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:22] Yeah, you can say that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:24] Yeah, the problem here is you can never trust a liar. When people use lies as a way to manipulate other people, all credibility is lost, and there is simply nothing you can or should do about it. I get that he's your father, but in the end, I can't help but think the reason he wrote to you just now about the supposed abuse is to get you to feel sorry for him. Look, that story may even be true, but the question is, does it matter? He's still a liar that left and damaged your growing up. He wasn't there for you. He's now trying to manipulate your feelings that I think we can both be sure about that. Yes, he wants to tell the story, but he originally blocked you and then made up a BS reason. Come on. It doesn't matter if or why this happened, even if the reason is believable, it just doesn't matter. When you're in a relationship with a liar who can't and won't ever tell the truth, you will get hurt again. There is no way around that. Let me repeat that. When you're in a relationship with a liar who can't and won't ever tell the truth, you will get hurt again. There's no dodging it. When you're around people with a certain type of operating system, that operating system will affect you. Look, when you're around your friends and they like to laugh, they see that you got that friend that laughs and jokes and brings other people up. That operating system affects you. When you're around people who are afraid to tell the truth and make up elaborate stories, lies or excuses, and that's what they do to navigate the entire world. You will be collateral damage when this operating system begins to affect you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:49] And I know it's hard to cut family out like that for good. I've done it, and it was hard, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I feel better for it. And I think that you're going to have to look at this situation and probably have to make that decision. He was gone most of your life and now he comes back and he's pulling the same BS again. It's never going to change. It's never going to change. So you have to make up your mind what you want to do because like Jordan said, I guarantee you will get hurt again.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:16] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:18] Hi Jordan. I'm 22 and graduating college soon. After graduation, I'll have three months until I start my full time job. Should I use the money I've saved up through college to travel for those three months or should I use it to pay my student loans? I have $20,000 in loans, in $6,000 in my savings account, and I'm thinking about using around $4,000 for travel. The three months will be my last longest free time I'll ever have, and I feel I'll regret it in the future if I don't take advantage now. At the same time, I still have to pay for my loans and I want to finish paying it off as soon as possible. What should I do? Sincerely, Should I Pay Or Should I Go?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:53] All right, Should I Pay Or Should I Go? Debt limits freedom and it limits opportunity. When you have debt, you're beholden to that debt. You're beholden to having to pay it regardless of whether you're getting any sort of benefit from it. So it's a drain and there's no necessarily -- not necessarily going to be any ROI consistently with that, that's why you took a loan. It pays in advance. That said, paying the additional 4,000 bucks towards your $20,000 loan, it's not going to get rid of the debt. It'll make a den. Yeah, it'll take your interest rate down, et cetera. So I think doing some travel during one of the only times that you can travel does actually make sense. The one reason I'm especially okay with this, just FYI, is because normally I want to eradicate debt at all costs. I even paid off my student loans super early. I was done by I think 35, and that includes the law school, which was like 120 grand or something ridiculous. One reason, I'm especially okay with this is because you already have a full time job. You've got to start date in three months. If you didn't, you'd need the runway a lot more. And since you do, you can budget and plan to pay off the student loans using your earnings later on down the line. So if you didn't have a job, I would be like, “Whoa, save that money. You'd have no idea how long it's going to take you. You don't want to live in your parents' basement or even if you do, you still need money.” But since you've got a start date, barring some crazy, unfortunate, unlikely event, you have money coming in on that date or at least a few weeks later then that date. So you're good.

[00:32:21] Normally, like I said, I'm all about eradicating that debt so you can get more flexibility and more freedom. But you're right, this is one of the only times, not the only time in the near future that you're likely to have a three month break to go and explore the world. And you're not going to have any responsibility or other projects on deck. But Jason, you had a good earlier, you kind of saw a little bit of defeat attitude. What do you think?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:43] Yeah, when she said this is going to be the last three months that I'm ever going to have, and I'm like, “No, life is long.” There are going to be plenty of opportunities out there. So don't look at this as your one and only time to cut loose because I think if you have that in the back of your head, you're going to bring that to fruition. So don't think about this as the last three months. Think of this as a great opportunity to go see the world before you dive into the workforce, and I'm with Jordan. I say go travel because when I got out of college, I spent two months backpacking around Europe and it was one of the greatest two months in my life. I still look back on it fondly. Look at the pictures. So go make some memories before you go into the workforce because you do have a job, you've got a landing pad when you get back. So I cut loose.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:26] So safe travels and don't forget to download the back catalog for the plane and train rides. All right, next up, J.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:32] Hi Jordan and friends. I work in an office full of people with a very different i.e, much more conservative view of the world for me. I'll very often find myself in a room of employees who are discussing something and they all seem to agree, but their viewpoint makes me very angry. There's no way I can agree with their viewpoint, but rather than joining in or sharing a contrarian viewpoint, I just sit there quietly fuming inside. I work in North Carolina and the South has old world views. So often I feel like I'm listening to grandma and her friends discuss things from the viewpoint of an older generation. Even though these people range in age from 23 to 62. What should I do? Should I one, sit there quietly and stupidly with likely resting bitch face? Should I number two, share a contrarian view? Or number three, say something that agrees with them even though it hurts my soul? Thanks to you all, Contrarian.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:22] Ha! And Contrarian. Got it. I see what you did there. Nice nickname. Look, you're free to express opinions but realize you're quickly can I get less popular for doing so? There's nothing -- and then what I'm reading between the lines here, he's everyone's conservative and she's a liberal or something like that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:38] Pretty much, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:40] So that's a great way to make absolutely no friends in the office. I don't really get it. What's the benefit here to airing your views? I see no upside other than some venting and I see lots of downside. So one thing you should not do is pretend to agree when you don't. That does drive you absolutely crazy and you may fit better in a different work culture. If this really bothers you, find another gig where you fit in a bit better, and remember you're the outlier here. You're never going to change these people and they're probably not going to annoy you any less in the future than they are now. I'd say make a jump. If it bugs you that much make a jump. Otherwise, enjoy the front row seat to how a lot of people think that don't agree with you here in America. All right, last but not least for me from Russia.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:24] Hi Jordan, Jason and Jen. I'm your listening from Russia. Hopefully we've got more than one. I've listened to your recent interviews with Nadya Tolokonnikova and Michael McFaul. I also remember older episodes on Russian topics such as with Bill Browder, Garry Kasparov, and Jack Barsky. All of those were really interesting ones, especially realizing how my confirmation bias creeps in. Well, I hear some controversial facts about living in Russia. All of that led me to acknowledge the fact that I'm unaware of the things that are happening in my country. I've been avoiding news and mass media because it seems like I don't get any value from that. I'm 23 enjoying life, being able to work on myself development and earning a decent paycheck. But Russia's history has seen all the unpredictable stresses, moreover, financial, hyperinflation, default and currency depreciation. While working on my financial resilience, I want to be prepared. What can I do to become more aware of the things that can affect my life? How to understand what is happening in this country, what a trustworthy sources of information and how can I separate the wheat from the chaff? Thanks for your time. I really appreciate the work you do. Best regards, Eventually Unaware. And BS, Hope you guys will be able to visit Russia next year. Write me if you want to meet in St. Petersburg. Best Welcome Guaranteed.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:36] Huh! Best Welcome Guaranteed. Nice. The best thing you can do to get that big picture understanding is to read books and I suggest getting an American audible account or Canadian whatever, and buying books that are about Russia, Putin, Soviet Times, the FSB, KGB, et cetera. You probably can't get those in a Russian bookstore. So go ahead and start an account. Thank goodness for the Internet. This will give you some storylines and critical thinking skills when it comes to the government and the regime that you're definitely not getting taught in school or on the news in Russia. Two, find dissident websites with Russian news sources. This is dissident or ex-pat and so there's going to be some independent and/or dissident and/or exile Russian news sites for Russians that live overseas. You'll want to get a collection of these so it's not just, you know, one particular groups gripes with Russia or propaganda from somebody else and you can probably find some of these posted here and there on Reddit. When you do this, make sure you're using a VPN. It's a Virtual Private Network and we'll link to our favorite piece of software that does that here in the show notes. Jason, can you tell us briefly what a VPN is, how it works, why she needs it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:45] It's an encrypted connection between your computer and somebody else's servers so nobody can see what's going on between the two end points. And then you tunnel through that and you can browse the web and goad wherever you need to, but they can't see where you're actually going in your country and from your ISP.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:59] Right. So the reason this is important is because -- well first of all, reading on these websites only use the VPN. In fact, you could just use the VPN all the time. It's probably fine to read whatever you want in Russia, but you can be sure the FSB or whoever has software installed at Internet service providers, ISPs in Russia that track what everyone is reading, watching and listening to, and VPNs can help you get around this. No guarantees, but they can help. So thanks for listening and being a fan all the way from Russia. I'd love to visit. So I may take you up on that offer, but make sure you go to the show notes, grab that VPN. The reason is it's just not worth getting on the radar of authorities in countries that are a little bit authoritarian, like if you're in China, use a VPN. There's a reason that those countries stop people from using VPNs. It's because they're actively looking at what people are reading. You hitting one decent website, no big deal. You hitting all of them, you're going to end up on the list, but that's how you find out what's going on in the country. Period.

[00:39:00] Recommendation of the week, Three Identical Strangers. This is going to blow your mind Jason. So check this out. This is a true story. This guy goes to college, I don’t know, in the ‘80s, and it's his first day and everyone goes, “Oh Eddie, you're back.” This guy's name is Chris or something, right? So “Hey, your back.” Women are kissing him. People are coming up congratulating, “Hey, you're back. I'm so glad to see you.” And this is like a shy, quiet guy, and he's wondering what the hell is going on? He goes to his dorm room and a guy pops in and goes, “Who the hell are you?” And he goes, “Oh hi, I'm Chris. Nice to meet you.” He goes, “No, no, no, no. Who are you?” You look exactly like Eddie. And he's like, “Everybody's been calling me Eddie.” And he goes, “Hold on man, we've got a ditch class.” They run out, they go to a pay phone. They call this guy who -- the guy who ran into the room was like Eddie's old roommate. And he's like, “Eddie, there's a guy in college and he looks exactly like you.” And Eddie's like, “What are you talking about?” So they drive to his house. He's got a twin brother.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:58] Oh my God.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:58] Never met him. Both of them are adopted. Insane.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:01] Oh, man.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:03] Well, wait for it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:04] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:04] So they make the news because they're twins separated at birth. One of the odds that, right? Well this guy is walking to school, he picks up a newspaper or something like that.

And there's a story about these two twins separated at birth. He runs home and as soon as he walks in the door, his mom throws a newspaper at his chest and goes, “Have you seen this?” And he goes, “These two guys look exactly like me and we have the same birthday.”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:30] There you go.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:31] So they're triplets separated at birth, and it's all this funny thing made international news. The guys are hilarious. They're all these jovial, cool guys, whatever. And then of course plot twist. Some stuff, it all is not well, right? There's a reason that three triplets got separated at birth and it's not because they couldn't find families for them and all this other stuff. It turns out to be this really unusual set of circumstances that is both creepy and fascinating at the same time, Three Identical Strangers. Check it out on Amazon prime, YouTube, Google Play. We'll link to that in the show notes as well. I hope you all enjoyed that.

[00:41:09] I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. Happy to keep you anonymous of course. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to everyone that joined us at our first live event in Las Vegas for Advanced Human Dynamics. It was a great event. I'm excited to see how everyone progresses and if you didn't know about the event it's because we only emailed about it once and only to people that had signed up for LevelOne and I don't even think we got everybody on the LevelOne list at that. It also sold out in something like three hours, which was such an awesome surprise. So if you're not on that list, go ahead and go to jordanharbinger.com and make sure you're on the email list. I barely email but I only email about important stuff. So I'm on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with me and the show, and Jason, where can they find you?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:58] They can find me over at my personal website at jpd.me, and you can check out my other tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show or your podcast player of choice.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:07] The show was co-produced with Jen Harbinger and show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. A lot more in the pipeline. Very excited for some upcoming shows here, and in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.