Your BFF was slated to be a bridesmaid at your wedding, but she can’t resist the urge to argue about politics with you, your fiance, and anyone with whom she disagrees. Now you’re wondering: should you even invite her to the wedding at all? We’ll dig into this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Your BFF bridesmaid insufferably loves to argue politics to the point that your fiance can’t stand the sight of her. Now you’re wondering: should you even invite her to your wedding?
- Even though you helped your dad build a multi-million dollar business, your long-distance girlfriend’s old-fashioned parents don’t approve of your relationship. They don’t see what you’ve done as an accomplishment, just that you “work for your dad.” What can you do to improve your relationship with people who might someday be your in-laws?
- You tend to interact with people in a way that some consider being too informal or familiar. Sometimes your sense of humor just doesn’t seem to hit the right note and you wind up offending more often than making people laugh. Is there anything you should be doing to make a better impression?
- Your girlfriend is a magnificent writer, with a master’s degree in English, pursuing a career in publishing. Unfortunately, her lack of success in landing a job has sapped her confidence; she won’t reach out to friends and family for support, and is terrified to ask for help. She’s even opposed to therapy thanks to bad experiences in the past. What can you do?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
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Resources from This Episode:
- Adam Grant | The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know | Jordan Harbinger
- Drew Binsky | Vicarious Trips and Travel Tips | Jordan Harbinger
- 3-2-1: On Systems vs. Goals, Endings, and the Importance of Leverage | James Clear
- BJ Fogg | Tiny Habits That Change Everything | Jordan Harbinger
- Six-Minute Networking
- Scott Galloway: From Crisis to Opportunity Post Corona | Jordan Harbinger
- The Notebook | Prime Video
- Gavin Newsom | Twitter
- The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
- Better Help
Give Bridesmaid the Boot for Political Dispute? | Feedback Friday (Episode 484)
Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger today. I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my comrade in consultation, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.
[00:00:38] If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. If you're joining us for the first time, or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show, we now have episodes starter packs, and these are collections of your favorite episodes, organized by popular topics to help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com/start to get started.
[00:01:11] Now, this week we had the amazing Adam Grant. He came back on the show. He's a regular on the program if you've been with us for a few years here. We talked about why unlearning and knowing what you don't know is a superpower among other things. I mean, it's really hard to put an Adam Grant conversation into a neat little container. That dude's brain is like a planet. We also had Drew Binsky, an amazing viral YouTuber, who doesn't just make stupid prank videos about jumping on tables full of food. He's actually traveling to every single country in the world. We talk about some of his crazy border crossings, close calls. I mean, this is a guy who's been to Afghanistan, North Korea, Eritrea. These are always fun for me because I can share some of my own travel stories that just don't fit anywhere else and that I haven't thought about in 20 years. So make sure you've had a look and to listen to everything that we created for you here this week.
[00:01:59] By the way, for these Feedback Friday episodes, you can reach us firstname.lastname@example.org. Keep your email concise, include a descriptive subject line that makes our job a whole lot easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision that you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff like life, love, work, whether you should fight for custody of a child who isn't yours. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up email@example.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous.
[00:02:30] I recently got a trainer not trying to humble brag or anything. It was a really good investment. I'm happy to refer anyone. That's looking for our trainer by the way. But it reminded me of something that BJ Fogg said back in episode 306 and I'm paraphrasing here, but he mentioned that if you genuinely care about achieving a certain result, if you're really serious about a result or a goal, you focus on the system that you need to get there. It reminds me of six-minute networking, how everything's broken down into chunks, so you can do it every day. And getting a trainer reminded me of the same thing because I walk all the time and I used to go to the gym all the time, but I need a system, a COVID-proof system to work out regularly and to push myself and the system there. And of course, as a trainer and multiple times per week.
[00:03:13] Your systems don't have to be complicated, but if you're serious about a goal, you're having trouble hitting it, always, always, always focused on the system that is around that goal. Whether it's getting in shape, whether it's learning a language, you have to focus on the system. That's always been the key for me and getting this trainer sort of reminded me of that. So I wanted to put that in a very explicit terms. And share it with all of you, because that is a game changer. If you've got stuff on the to-do list, that's been there for three freaking years.
[00:03:40] All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
[00:03:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm happily engaged to my boyfriend, now my fiance, for four years. As we are planning out the guest list and who will be in our wedding party, I'm faced with the critical decision of whether to include my best friend as a bridesmaid. We've been friends for over 15 years. I was her maid of honor in her wedding five years ago. And I think she'll be deeply hurt if she is not my maid of honor in my upcoming wedding, but things have changed. Over the course of our relationship, we've always avoided the topic of politics because we have different views and have previously had a falling out over that. After the heated political years of 2019 and 2020, it became pretty clear that we do not see eye to eye to the point that much of our contact has been cut. She has gotten into numerous heated debates with my fiance on previous occasions, even going so far as to attack him personally, which made me really question our friendship. He pretty much hates her because she's been so rude, snarky, and intolerant of other people's views. Our relationship has really dwindled since that alternate and I've had a hard time making up with her. I'm a peacemaker by nature and I feel that if I don't include her in my wedding, it will be the end of the friendship forever. As I know that she tends to hold onto her emotions quite intensely. So do I include her in the wedding or do I let the relationship dissolve. Signed, Maid of Honor or Sayonara.
[00:04:59] Jordan Harbinger: I like that you tried to make those two things where I've wondered — I wondered if you were going to do that. I wondered if you were going to do that.
[00:05:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: I tried. They're not all winners, Jordan, but I tried.
[00:05:08] Jordan Harbinger: Well, all right. First of all, congrats on getting engaged. That's exciting. I'm sorry that you and your friend have had this falling out, especially over politics, how infuriating and such a waste. It sounds to me like it wasn't so much about what she believes as how she went about sharing those beliefs. Your girl, Ashley or whatever. I don't know. She just seems like an Ashley to me. Sorry to all the super chill Ashley's listening right now. Ashley wasn't coming over for dinner. Like, "All right. I have some opinions. I'd love to talk them out and hear your views and come to a better understanding of the issues." She debated with you guys like she was on freaking meet-the-press. She yells at your fiance for disagreeing with her. Then she launches into an ad hominem attack, you know, an attack against his person and or character when he didn't fall in line. And I'm sure if she were cool and respectful and she weren't so identified with her politics, you guys would have a much easier time understanding and accepting that she holds different views. But it sounds like the views themselves, those are problematic to you too, which kind of it makes the whole thing harder.
[00:06:08] So I get the bind that you're in. If you ask her to be your maid of honor, then you'll be inviting somebody you no longer like or trust in the middle of the most important day of your life. If you don't include her in the wedding, then she's going to be hurt. She's going to be angry and you may be/probably won't speak to her again, it's a tough situation. And either option is unpleasant for different reasons.
[00:06:31] So my question to you is this, which option feels most fair to you? Which decision would allow you to lead with the most integrity in this situation? That's a little corporate gobbledygook, but I'll clarify here. If you did ask her to be your maid of honor, do you think you'd kind of sort of on some level hate yourself for sweeping all this political BS under the rug? Do you feel like you'd be compromising on your beliefs or maybe not doing right by your fiance? Do you think it would make your wedding day less special? At the same time, think about how you'd feel if you didn't ask her to be your maid of honor. Would you feel like you stood up for yourself and your fiance? Would you be potentially sidestepping more drama? Or would it not really make much of a difference? And this maid of honor thing, it's just a gesture. It just ultimately doesn't change anything.
[00:07:22] Those are some questions that I would be asking myself and I would be talking them out with your fiance. It's his wedding too. And those choices impact both of you. Because look, if there's one day where you've earned the right to be a little bit selfish, it's going to be your wedding day. You're allowed to decide who you want there, who you don't, who you want standing next to you, who you don't. And yes, that might affect you and Ashley's friendship but that might also be a good thing.
[00:07:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes, I agree. Because the bigger question here is really how this person fits into her life, right? Whether she's your maid of honor. That's just a detail. That's a one-time thing. I mean, yeah, she's going to be in the photo. So you might have to look at her for many, many decades, hopefully, but what you're really wrestling with here is whether you still want to be close with her, whether there's still a place for Ashley in your life.
[00:08:05] It sounds to me like you guys are speaking two different languages, honestly, these days. And I'm not even talking about the politics. The politics are secondary, right? The real gap is in how you guys are relating to each other, how you treat each other as partners. Whether there's still loving this friendship beyond these political opinions. So I think about your values, your personalities. Not really, whether you voted for Trump or you voted for Biden or whatever. And if those deeper things, if those are totally out of whack, it's hard to believe that there's much of a foundation for your friendship going forward.
[00:08:33] I'm not saying that you have to cut her off tomorrow or anything, or that you have to cut her off at all. If you wanted to repair this relationship, you could definitely try to do that. You can talk to her or you could write her a letter and you could explain that the way she's been talking to you and your fiance, that that's making it really hard for you to still be close with her. Maybe she'll realize that she was way out of line and she'll be more sensitive, more thoughtful. You guys will find a way to stay close, even though you have such different views. And if that's possible, if you guys can repair the friendship, then I do think it's definitely worth a shot. At the very least, you might want to know that you really tried to work on the friendship before you decide to move on.
[00:09:07] Jordan Harbinger: And also, look, it's not going to be a huge surprise to Ashley. She knows. She yelled at your fiance. She knows you guys aren't as close as you used to be. If you're feeling that tension with her, I can promise you that almost certainly she's feeling it too. And she may already be sorry about it. Or she might be like calling you a snowflake for being upset about it and who knows, right?
[00:09:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Good point. So either she'll be inclined to try to fix the friendship also because she feels that tension. Or she'll feel the tension and then she'll just understand if you guys are going separate ways in life. But if she doesn't change or you decide that you cannot be close to somebody who holds these views for whatever reason, then you're going to have to decide whether you want to keep this friendship. And I know it's hard to think about parting ways with somebody after 15 years. That is sad. It's not fun. It's probably pretty scary, especially for a natural peacemaker. Like you, I bet, but sometimes it is necessary.
[00:10:00] And you're starting the next chapter of your life here. You're growing up in a big way. It makes sense that some people might not fit into that new life anymore. I honestly think that's not just, okay, I think it's important. I would argue that that's important to really be deliberate about the people you spend time with.
[00:10:15] Jordan Harbinger: I agree. I think that is super important. It sucks to have to cut people out, but it is part of life. Look, you don't have to have a huge explosion over it. The wedding is a little bit of a signal if you don't invite somebody that you don't want that anymore, but most friendships that don't work out, they just kind of fade away, right? People deprioritize one another and then that's it. Or it's just purely logistical.
[00:10:37] So bottom line. I feel like asking her to be your maid of honor would just — this is my opinion, right? Just prolonging a friendship that no longer serves you. I would really consider whether you want her in the wedding party at all, whether you still want to be friends going forward. And for what it's worth in my book at my age, I'm 41 now, if someone doesn't add something really meaningful to my life, whether it's wisdom or laughter or support or perspective. And I can't do the same for them, they're probably not going to be in my inner circle, my so-called inner circle, right? Not because I'm too important or demanding or whatever, but because life is just too damn short to not be close with people you truly love and who truly love you. And also don't yell at your freaking fiance over the mashed potatoes, because he happens to believe that climate change is real and not caused by Chinese space laser or whatever.
[00:11:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: That seems fair. It seems like a pretty low bar for your best friend to clear. I agree.
[00:11:32] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Call me crazy, but that's just, that's my opinion on that one. So there you go. Hope that helps whatever you decide, make sure it honors what you and your fiance really want and need right now, both at the wedding and for the rest of your life for that matter. The wedding, Gabe, in this instance, the wedding is like the catalyst that's going to get this — it's the spark that makes this happen, right? This is the triggering event where they're like, "Okay, we're not friends with Ashley anymore. We're decided." Normally, you don't have to do that. We're just like, "Gabe, are you not? This guy's an a-hole right? Is it just me?" And then you're like, "Yeah, I don't like him." And then we just stop inviting him to stuff. And then gradually that person's like, "I haven't seen you guys in like three years." We're like, "Yeah, by design. I mean, yeah. We should catch up soon," right? But those wedding things, it's like, "All right, we're ripping off the band-aid. Ashley, nobody wants you there. All right. I said it. Have a good life."
[00:12:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Yeah. There's no coming back from not getting invited to the wedding when you're the BFF. Yeah, totally. It also reminds me a little bit of something that Scott Galloway talked about on the show a few weeks ago. You know, where he was talking about looking at a situation or a relationship or a job and projecting it out 10 years into the future.
[00:12:35] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, yeah.
[00:12:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: And trying to imagine like, where's this thing going, and if it is going in that direction, what do I need to do now. It's to either deal with it or understand it better? That's a good test to apply to this relationship. I think.
[00:12:46] Jordan Harbinger: Brilliant. Got to love Scott Galloway. We'll link to that in the show notes. He's one of my favorite recurring guests for sure. The dude is a straight-up genius.
[00:12:56] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.
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[00:14:15] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Better Help online counseling. A lot of people think that therapy is for crazy people or therapy is for the weak minded. And I think it's really interesting that people don't think twice to seek medical help for health-related problems, right? If you get a cut and it's deep, you're going to the ER. But when you consider seeking help for emotional problems that are much more acute than have lasted, you know, seven months that that's somehow a sign of weakness. Let's be honest. How much easier is it to just grab the closest pint of ice cream, drink your sorrows away, and pretend like your problems don't even exist? I've tried that. It doesn't work as well. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to face the problem and ask for help and Better Help online counseling makes that easy. Simply fill out a questionnaire. They'll match you up in under 48 hours. Everything's phone, video, text. It's all confidential. You don't have to drive. You don't have to park. You don't have to worry about somebody spilling the beans because they live in your town. And of course, if you're unhappy with your counselor, you can request a new one at any time for no additional charge.
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[00:15:26] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored in part by Skillshare. One of the mottoes I live by is always be learning and what better time than now to learn a new skill when we're all cooped up at home. A class I've recently checked out was actually — it's kind of funny, but interior design, it's called Style Your Space by Emily Henderson from HGTV. Of course, Jordan's learning interior design. What's going on there? I wanted this because I'm sitting at home. I basically think I live in a pile of dirty laundry. You know, it's not that I'm literally living in a pile of dirty laundry. I'm just in the same space all the time. I got my dirty old slippers here and it just doesn't feel comfortable. And I'm working in it 24, freaking seven. What was interesting is that interior design is not just about buying $60,000 worth of furniture. You can just match textures, colors. There's all kinds of different things I never thought about. So I kind of enjoyed that. I got to tell you. There are also classes on productivity, drawing, animation, video editing, photography, pretty much anything you can think of. And an annual subscription to Skillshare is less than 10 bucks a month.
[00:16:22] Jen Harbinger: Explore your creativity at skillshare.com/harbinger. And get a free trial of premium membership. That's skillshare.com/harbinger.
[00:16:31] Jordan Harbinger: And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:16:36] All right, what's next?
[00:16:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm 27 years old, the son of Indian immigrants in the United States and graduated with two bachelor's degrees in neuroscience and health policy. Four years ago, my dad, who was a veterinarian, approached me with the idea to start his own animal hospital. I accepted his offer to work for him, for pennies, compared to what I was making at the hospital that I was working on. And together we built a great business that is now worth $4.2 million. At the same time, I've been dating a girl in Canada for almost two years, but due to the pandemic, we haven't seen each other in over a year. We've tried at multiple points to see each other. But our parents who are also Indian refused her requests to see me or my requests to come visit. When I asked why they said they don't approve of the fact that I quote-unquote, work for my dad and that I would need a stable job before they would even consider meeting me. They also added that because I wasn't a veterinarian. They didn't believe I could take over the business in the future, which I disagree with entirely. But while I really want to see her, I don't think it's best to ask her to blatantly disregard their wishes in order to briefly be together. The thing is I'm convinced that this girl is the one for me, and she's been extremely supportive of my decision to help my parents. After speaking to my own parents about all this, they said it would be best if I find a career of my own, even though I would be leaving our business earlier than planned. They've been extremely supportive of our relationship and are really excited at the prospect of having a daughter-in-law. My mom even allowed her to help design the house that we built. I've always struggled with self-confidence and felt as if I was never good enough. Or I was failing to deliver on my potential. While I've been working on that with a therapist, whenever I find myself worth being questioned by somebody else, I immediately resist and reject their opinion. I'm now building up a lot of resentment towards the people I hope will be my future in-laws. While I empathize with them to some degree, I just cannot be okay with the fact that they're preventing us from moving forward in our relationship. And I can only picture myself having a negative relationship with them from here on out. So how can I stop seeing her parents as barriers to my relationship with my girlfriend. Signed, Time to Withdraw or Not at My In-Laws.
[00:18:39] Jordan Harbinger: You're on fire today, man. This letter infuriates me in various different ways.
[00:18:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Same.
[00:18:46] Jordan Harbinger: Nothing to do with the writer. I feel bad for the guy. He sounds like a really interesting and smart and multitalented guy that doesn't deserve this bullsh*t in short.
[00:18:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally.
[00:18:56] Jordan Harbinger: But let me start off by saying congratulations on building this amazing business with your dad. Super impressive, man. You made some sacrifices. Clearly, they really paid off. I mean four-plus million-dollar business, nothing to sneeze. From where I'm sitting, you seem like a smart, driven, thoughtful dude. You're taking care of yourself. You're taking care of your parents. You're finding ways to earn a great living and create something of value. I'm pretty sure that you're the dream son-in-law for most humans. So it's super frustrating to hear that your lady's parents are objecting to your relationship, especially for total bullsh*t reasons, which I'll get into in a second.
[00:19:30] I'm sure in their minds, they just want what's best for their daughter in part. And I get that, but it sounds to me like they're not taking the time to get to know you as a person. They're holding you to these very rigid conventional standards of what a good son-in-law looks like. And now you and the love of your life are in this weird Romeo-and-Juliet situation being kept apart by borders and COVID and parents. It's pretty dramatic, man. I'm sorry. You're up against all that. I really am. It sucks. You don't deserve it. Neither does she.
[00:19:59] So to answer your question: how can you stop seeing her parents as barriers to your relationship? The answer is you can't because they are actually barriers to your relationship. The question is how are you going to overcome them? And Gabriel, it made me kind of — I was annoyed to hear that he's going to therapy because he's like, "I'm sad that when people say that I'm not good enough for doing all of this really amazing stuff, that I am mad at them." It's like, no, you should not be upset at yourself for being mad at people that were like, "We don't like all of the amazing things you've done, because we want to fucking brag to our friends that our son-in-law is a doctor and not a veterinarian.
[00:20:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:20:35] Jordan Harbinger: Which is basically what's going on here.
[00:20:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: There's fair and healthy anger that comes from people dismissing you for totally irrational reasons. Yeah, I'm with you.
[00:20:43] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. It's like you might as well have written, "How do I get rid of my irrational anger at my future in-laws for saying that they didn't like Jews?" You're like, "No, that's not how — you're right to be annoyed by that." That's a terrible thing. Look, there are a few things that are making it hard for you. One thing is that you and your girlfriend, you both come from a pretty traditional family-oriented culture. You're reluctant to stand up to her parents. And I'm guessing your girlfriend isn't super eager to stand up to them either, which honestly, that's part of the issue because I don't think this problem is entirely yours to fix. That's her life too. You're talking about all this as if it's only on you and you have to prove to them that you're good enough, but you are good enough. And your girlfriend, she could be helping her parents see that. She'd probably have better luck making them see that than you will. I realized how stubborn a lot of parents are that are traditional Asian, Indian, South Asian, whatever you want to call it. I realized that there is cultural stuff here. But for whatever reason, she's kind of playing along. Sounds like she's almost waiting for things to magically change. She doesn't want to rock the boat and you don't want to push her to speak up because to use your words, "You don't think it's best to ask her to blatantly disregard their wishes."
[00:21:55] Okay, fine. She's not going to elope with you necessarily, but she should be like, "You know, the veterinary business is worth a lot of money. It's more than he would be making as a neuroscientist," if that's what they're worried about. But I don't think they're worried about your ability to provide, I think it's social status and ego stuff, and I'll get to that in a second as well. But I guess my question is: why not? Why don't you think it is best to ask her to disregard their wishes? Or just push back a little. I mean, you guys are both adults. You're 27 years old. You're truly in love. You're perfect for each other yada, yada — I know again, Indian parents can be pretty intense, but at some point you guys have to decide whether you're going to live the life they want you to live, or you're going to live your own lives.
[00:22:37] Easier said than done for a white guy like me sitting here in California. I get that my parents aren't nagging me about anything, but still your girlfriend could be a little more proactive with her parents. She can try to help them see how they are standing in the way of her happiness. And I know that's a scary prospect. I'm not trying to gloss over the fact that parents and their wishes are a very big deal in certain cultures, especially even if they're misguided here in my opinion. But if you guys aren't willing to have this conflict with them, if you can't even stand up for yourself enough to ask her to advocate for your relationship. I'm just not sure this situation is ever going to change. I mean, when did they stop bossing you guys around?
[00:23:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, even if they did get together happily married, what's going to happen after that? The parents could be all up in their marriage. I agree completely. And it does make me wonder if maybe some of that self-confidence stuff you were talking about in your letter, the struggles you have with self-worth as you put it if maybe that's playing a role here. I mean, I don't, I don't mean to put you on my pretend internet therapist's couch here, but it is worth asking. Do you think you're hesitating to ask your girlfriend to stand up to her parents because deep down you don't think your relationship is worth fighting for, right? I mean, do you think on some level, even though you kind of hate these people right now, which I understand, you actually may be kind of, sort of on some weird level, agree with them that you haven't lived up to your potential. Is that possible?
[00:23:55] Jordan Harbinger: I had the same thought. Like maybe it's hard for him to feel secure enough and his accomplishments and his sense of self to be like, "Hey, look, I'm in love with your daughter. She's in love with me. I'm going to be a great husband to her. I realized it's an arranged marriage, almost a type of situation, but you guys need to get off your high horse, open your mind a little. I'm an entrepreneur. So what if I'm not what you want me to be?" Obviously, you should not say that in that way to any Indian parents ever, but you get my meaning here.
[00:24:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. Right. Anyway, we're asking you these questions because you brought this up and by the way, I really admire your self-awareness about all of that. I think it's awesome. Even though Jordan was saying that, you have a right to be angry and you don't need to work out your righteous, totally justified anger, but that therapist, there's nothing wrong with you for being angry. But I think it's great that you're talking to somebody in general. But in the context of why you guys can't seem to overcome your in-laws on this, it is totally possible that these two things are connected and not to go all, you know, Brene Brown on you here. But based on everything you've shared with us, I got to say, you are living up to your potential, my man. You do have a ton of value. Like Jordan said, you sound like a great dude. It's just very obvious to us. So I wouldn't let your ideas about yourself stop you and your girlfriend from advocating for your relationship when you guys really need to be doing that.
[00:25:04] Okay. So now that we've had a little podcast intervention for you here. Jordan, how does he actually do that?
[00:25:09] Jordan Harbinger: Well, I think you have a couple of options. Option one is you and your girlfriend come up with a plan to talk to her parents about your relationship in a very real way. I would make this first step regardless because it's the easiest option and it's the most appropriate. I would encourage her to sit down with her parents. Tell them how hard it's been dating someone they don't approve of. Tell them why she likes you, why she chose you, all the great things that she sees in you and ask them to explain their concerns. I would think through all of their objections in advance, so she has thoughtful responses ready to go. You can help her do that if it doesn't feel too self-serving.
[00:25:47] But the important thing is that she's speaking from the heart and that I would encourage her to ask her parents for one simple thing, which is to agree to meet you and get to know you. I think that's the key to start with a really small request. If your girlfriend asks them to approve of your whole relationship and let her spend three months in the States, they'll just be like, "Hell no, we don't know this guy. We don't like him. Absolutely not." But it'll be a lot harder for them to refuse to have lunch with you one time. If they do, then they'll only be making themselves look even more unreasonable, which will make it easier for your girlfriend to point out how unfair they're actually being.
[00:26:23] Then, hopefully you guys can all hang out. You can show them what kind of person you are. That's a whole other challenge, but I actually think that'll be the easier part for you since you really do have the goods. You and your girlfriend just need to get them to give you a chance. And I realize a lot of their criteria is not just based on personality, but again, it's not like you're not able to provide for her. You run a four-million-dollar business. It's a very nice lifestyle.
[00:26:48] But if they absolutely refuse to meet you, option two is you reach out to her parents directly. This could be a phone call. It could be a Zoom or an email. My vote would probably be for an email so you can really lay out your argument very clearly. In this letter, I would tell them a little more about who you are as a person and a professional. Address all of their concerns one by one. Express to them, how much you care about their daughter and tell them you understand that they only want what's best for her. You empathize with their concerns, but that you would love a chance for them to get to know you and for you to get to know them. Again, if you do a good job in this letter, it'll be so much harder for them to say no.
[00:27:27] Gabriel Mizrahi: The thing is though Jordan, they might still say no, right? So if they do then you and your girlfriend need to decide whether you're going to let her parents stand in your way forever. Because that's really the choice in front of you right now, whether you guys are going to fight for your relationship. Or you're going to let other people stop you from being happy. I mean, that's kind of dramatic, but that's exactly where you are. I know that sounds like a Nicholas Sparks novel a little bit super cheesy, I know, but that's actually what we're talking about. You're basically living the Indian version of The Notebook or something. If this is me and I'm 150 percent sure that this is my person and her parents are being truly, truly prejudicial, truly unreasonable, as opposed to, you know, justifiably cautious about something that's actually a problem in this guy's life, then I'm choosing my person. I'm sorry. And my in-laws will just have to come around at some point, or we're going to have to just build a life that doesn't always involve them at every turn.
[00:28:16] Jordan Harbinger: Look, same here, but I also know that it's so much harder to do in an Asian or South Asian family. You know, I married into an Asian family. Maybe not as conservative as this guy's in-laws obviously. I was lucky that we got along great. I know Jen's parents, their opinion really mattered. And I know they were trying to hook her up with like doctors and podiatrists and stuff like that, right? So if they didn't like me, it would have been hard for Jen to be like, "Sorry, mom and dad. F you I'm marrying the podcast or with the hipster haircut you don't approve of. And if the show fails, we're going to live off his Bitcoin. Bye." that would not have gone over well.
[00:28:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: Although I would have loved it if that went down, it's such great story. Totally, I hear you. I'm sure this is a much harder proposition for his girlfriend than it is for him, but that doesn't change the fact that she needs to decide whose opinions are more important, right? Her or her parents. My hope is that they'll come around once they see that you guys are serious, but if she won't make that leap, then you're going to have to decide if you want to keep waiting for her. I hope this works out. I want you guys to work out, but she needs to be as secure as you are in this relationship if this is really going to work.
[00:29:18] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I agree. Not an easy situation, but it really does come down to who's life. They really want to live. And I'm sorry, this is so hard, but I actually think that if you fight for your relationship, it might make you guys even stronger. And one day, when you've been married for 40 years, and you're telling your grandkids how you met, I bet this will all seem very romantic. Might get a little Rocky in the meantime, and I know it'll be hard, but if you really feel like you belong together, it'll be worth it.
[00:29:45] Gabe, you know, what annoys me the most about this. And I'm sort of touched on this earlier.
[00:29:48] Gabriel Mizrahi: What?
[00:29:48] Jordan Harbinger: I mean, I get the culture thing here, but their argument isn't even well founded, right? A son-in-law who works in a hospital, solid. I mean, I get that, but right now he has a multi-million-dollar business, which is providing a very different and much more flexible, obviously more lucrative lifestyle than just about any hospital ever would provide for you. You'd have to run the hospital to have the shot at an income stream like this guy has running this veterinary business. So what I suspect here, candidly, is that they want to say, "Oh, our son-in-law is a doctor. And he works in a hospital. He's a neuroscientist." They're worried that, "Our son-in-law is an entrepreneur who owns a veterinary business." It doesn't sound as nice and it's not as prestigious, especially in a traditional Asian culture where you basically have to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, or somehow your parents have failed and they have to wallow in shame until they die.
[00:30:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hmm. Yeah, that bothers me too. And you know, what else bothers me on top of it is that his parents are now pushing him out of the business and trying to encourage him to have his own career because I'm guessing, they want him to get married really badly. And they're trying to remove this obstacle, so her parents can't object anymore. It's like both of their parents are accidentally colluding in getting this guy out of an amazing business and making him conform to standards that don't hold water. And actually don't apply to the very cool things that he's done in his life. It's just very sad. I hope he finds a way to live his own life because he has a great one.
[00:31:10] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. We're rooting for you guys. We really are. Maybe you can do like a head fake, right? Where he like jumps out, gets a job at a hospital. They get married and he's like, "Psyche. Veterinary business for life." Then they have grandkids, right? They have kids right away. So the parents are like, "Ah, screw it. We're happy now."
[00:31:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: "Yeah. We're fine now. We can tell everybody that he doesn't work at a hospital." Yeah.
[00:31:29] Jordan Harbinger: "First of all, he was a neuroscientist at a hospital. Then he started his new business."
[00:31:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Then they get to brag. "He left to start the veterinary business," that secretly, he owned the whole time yet.
[00:31:38] Jordan Harbinger: Total head fake, like he has like a fake job at a hospital now or a real one for like six months. I don't know, man. I feel like you shouldn't have to rearrange your life for people like that. But, you know, I don't know, try the head fake move. Let me know how it goes.
[00:31:51] All right, what's next?
[00:31:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey guys, about two years ago, I was working at a company as a contract employee. My boss came looking for me, found me in the hallway, and asked if I'd been at lunch since I wasn't at my desk. I replied, "Nope. I was in the can." Okay. She was stunned in a review. She praised my work, but said I was a bit too quote-unquote, familiar with people. I wasn't sure if this was because of my bathroom lingo or because I would talk to a VP the same way I would talk to the security guy. I mean, treat everyone as a friend, right? When the contract ended, she was the only one at this place who rejected my LinkedIn connection. She also gave me a tepid email response when I applied for a full-time job at our company in a different department. I'm currently working from home for a different company and was reminded of this during a conference call where I told somebody that I had to quote-unquote answer a call of nature. I hadn't known the other person for very long and we've never met in person, but she has a good sense of humor and we do joke around with each other. Is there a better way to tell someone when you really have to go? This might be about more than biology as I've often been accused of being too informal. Many years ago in graduate school, I tried joking around with the governor of my state at an informal event and it went over like a lead balloon. A few weeks later, the governor glared at me in such a way that a friend actually asked me what I had done to piss the guy off. So do I need to change my ways? Signed, A Guy Who's Got to Go.
[00:33:12] Jordan Harbinger: Man, Gabe this guy sounds like a real pisser, huh, but seriously, I think this guy needs to plug a few leaks in the ship. All right, I'm done.
[00:33:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh, man.
[00:33:20] Jordan Harbinger: Here are my thoughts, just a stream of consciousness.
[00:33:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: Jesus Christ, man.
[00:33:25] Jordan Harbinger: That's the last one. This letter is kind of funny. And on some level, I actually admire you for treating everyone the same, not being a totally buttoned up, watered down corporate drone, but you're right. This is about more than biology. It's not necessarily like you chose the wrong phrase about using the restroom. It's about how you present to other people, how people like to be spoken to the first impression you're making, especially at work. The fact that you have a history of jokes not going over too. Well, I would pay some attention to that. That tells me that it wasn't just Janice and accounting who didn't get your humor. There's something about the way that you're coming across to most people that just is not working or — and this is also important. You're not reading people well enough to know if they'd respond to your humor in the right way.
[00:34:12] I have some experience with this when I was working at a law firm, like maybe 15-plus years ago now I noticed that one of the partners he had like — Gabriel, you know, when you have like your initials monogrammed on your sleeve?
[00:34:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, yeah.
[00:34:27] Jordan Harbinger: His initials were S-O-B.
[00:34:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay.
[00:34:29] Jordan Harbinger: And I said, "Oh, your initials are sob or something like that." And he's like, "Yep." And I caught myself saying it, it wasn't even me being like, this is a good idea. It just like came out and I dropped it right there. And during my performance review at the end of the summer, they were like, or at the end of the quarter or whatever it was. I can't remember now. They were like, "Yeah, don't try to be funny about, I don't know people's names or anything." And I was like, "What could they possibly be talking about?" And then I'm just like, "Oh yeah, that awkward ass moment at a sports bar where I realized this guy's initials were S-O-B," which, you know, not a guy with a great sense of humor in the first place.
[00:35:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, seriously.
[00:35:05] Jordan Harbinger: But some work cultures are just way too formal also. A different law firm, I got in trouble. I was in the elevator. This is an English law firm. And I get in the elevator, this is an older partner and he goes, "Do you have any plans for the weekend?" And I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to go check out," I don't know, "The natural history museum," or whatever I had planned on doing. And I said, "What about you?" And he goes, "Oh, well, I'm going to go to my lake house and go fishing." On Monday, I get called into another partner's office, like my supervising partner. And he goes, "Were you speaking informally with Solicitor Barrister or whatever, like Conrad in the elevator?" And I was like, "I don't think so." And then he's like, "Tell me what the conversation was, boy." And I was like, "Well, he asked me if I was doing anything for the weekend. And then I said, I don't know. I'm doing this and that. And I asked him what he was doing." And they were like, "What that man's word, very hard to get where he's been in life." And I'm like, "So I can't reciprocate the question."
[00:36:00] It was so ridiculous. And I tell British people this all the time. And they either laugh or they go, "Oh yeah, that totally sounds like my law firm." And I speak with English lawyers and they're especially stuffy and they tell me like, "Oh yeah, I can see that going over poorly." Imagine that in America, right? "Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Oh, I'm doing this," and then you just don't ask what they're doing, people would be like, "Oh, this self-absorbed prick doesn't even care to ask about anybody else." So some cultures are more formal sometimes it's us. It's usually us, right?
[00:36:31] So to answer your question, yes, you need to change your ways. Or maybe a better way to put it, you need to calibrate your ways. You've been the jokey informal guy, as a matter of policy, just going around like, "This is me. I'm the guy who talks about dropping a deuce by the photocopier. It's just who I am. Take it or leave it." If that's the first impression people have of you like that governor, or if they haven't had enough time to get to know you as a person, the quality of your work, your other great qualities, like your boss at that contract gig. Then they'll probably assume that this is who you are deep down and then that negative experience will color every interaction that they have with you, even if they're positive. And that'll make it harder and harder to climb out of the hole that you have dug for yourself.
[00:37:12] I think it's also worth calling out that bathroom humor in general. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Some people find it objectively hilarious. Some people find it totally unfunny. Some people giggle and look away or roll their eyes or whatever, but in an office setting, I think it's just best to stay away from it. Not just because it's a little unprofessional depending on the audience, but because when you talk like that, even if you're among your buddies, you're signaling to the other person that you don't really understand the decorum or respect, maybe that the environment deserves. And I'm pretty sure that's what your boss at that job felt. I doubt she was offended that you needed to use the restroom, but she was probably put off by the fact that you weren't treating her like your superior. And right or wrong, fair or unfair, that stuff is culture dependent. That's the politics of office life.
[00:37:57] And if you aren't attuned to those basic rules, then people will start to wonder what other basic rules you don't understand. They'll start thinking, "Is this guy going to be a liability with my other employees? Can I trust him to have lunch with a client? Does he represent our brand?" All because you overshared a little too much. And this is something that that partner brought up and he said, "You know, stuff like this, it's not a big deal now, but as you mature in the firm and you meet clients, what if you say something like that in front of a client?" And I thought to myself, "Then the client might like me, you prick," but that wasn't necessarily the case, right? I mean, what if it's another stuffy ass person, like a British attorney? Not that Brits are stuffy, but British attorneys, you know who you are.
[00:38:38] So going forward, I would dial back a bit on the humor, at least at first, let people get to know you a little better. Show them that you're a good employee, a hard worker, a solid person. Then once you have developed stronger relationships and locked down the job you need, then you can start loosening the tie a little bit and being a little bit more informal. It's always better to err on the side of, to formal than to informal. I'll tell you that. Although I'd still recommend being a little more diplomatic about the bathroom stuff, it's just such an easy landmine to avoid. And as far as meeting someone new, especially if that person runs the freaking state that you live in, yeah. I'd be on your best behavior. I wouldn't tell Gavin Newsome, I had to piss like a race horse the first time I met him. Right? I'd ask him about his family and talk about energy policy or whatever, and then maybe, maybe, I'd start to joke around once we had a little relationship going, although I have no idea what Gavin Newsome finds funny. My guess is he's pretty stressed out these days and you better believe I'd have a good read on him before I told him a dirty joke by the buffet at a black-tie fundraiser.
[00:39:40] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well said. This guy definitely needs to lock it up a little bit. The only thing I would not lose here is your ability to talk to anybody like their friend. Because most people, they can't go up to somebody important at an event and just shoot the shit, have an informal chat and not be intimidated. That's a great quality to have. It's very Bill Clinton of you, I got to say. But if you're going to do that, just make sure you're balancing it with enough sensitivity, enough self-awareness, so you don't end up working against yourself.
[00:40:05] Jordan Harbinger: Totally. He needs to be able to shoot the shit, but not talk about actual shit. So, yeah, thanks. Look, I think we all know why corporate life didn't work out for me here in the end by this answer here. I really thrive in an environment where I can work without pants for the majority of the day. As for you, good luck, man.
[00:40:26] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show. And this is feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
[00:40:31] This episode is also sponsored in part by Headspace. Wouldn't it be great if there was a pocket-sized guide that helped you sleep or focus or act, or just be better? There is and if you have 10 minutes, Headspace can change your life. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditation in an easy to use app. Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research. So whatever the situation, Headspace can really help you feel better. If you're overwhelmed, Headspace has a three-minute SOS meditation for you. If you need help falling asleep, Headspace has wind down sessions, their members swear by them. And as for parents, Headspace has morning meditations you can do with your kids. I don't think Jayden's going to deal with that, but you know, maybe in a couple of years. I personally liked their little animations that talk about what meditation is and how and why it works. I always like to learn the why behind pretty much everything.
[00:41:18] Jen Harbinger: You deserve to be happier and headspace is meditation made simple. Go to headspace.com/jordan. That's headspace.com/jordan for a free one-month trial with access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to headspace.com/jordan today.
[00:41:36] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored in part by Fabletics. A lot of, you know, that I walk around outside. I read my audiobooks all the time. That's how I prepped for this show. I've been wearing Fabletics. Those are my walking sweatpants. Not to be confused with my lounge, sweat pants or my fancy sweatpants. But I use Fabletics when I work out, when I'm working up a sweat. Fabletics is good because they keep things simple. Cut the crap. That means you're getting Lululemon quality for half the price. Check them out at fabletics.com/jordan. They'll give you a deal there. Get your first two pairs of shorts for just 24 bucks when you become a Fabletics Men VIP member at check out. That gets you a 20 to 50 percent off the retail prices. Every time you shop. Free shipping on all orders over 49 bucks, free returns and exchanges within 45 days. And they give you a credit you can use each month and get some new gear coming your way. So you can get rid of some of the ratty stuff that has holes in it that you keep wearing. You know who you are. fabletics.com/jordan.
[00:42:31] This episode is also sponsored in part by Blue Moon. Blue Moon is on a mission to bring some brightness to your life and break up the routine. The panty D routine Blue Moon is crafted to be brighter to awaken you to the brightness in each moment. Once in a blue moon moment should happen more than once in a blue moon. Recently, it's been more than once in a blue moon that somebody tells me they're escaping from a cult or negotiating a higher salary or finding a job they love. So we've got that going for us, which is nice. I've been drinking Blue Moon since college. It's one of my favorite beers for a really long time. Got to throw that fancy pants orange on the end there, that's really the key that Valencia orange peel for the subtle sweetness. I'm excited to try Blue Moon's latest Blue Moon Light Sky, which is a light and refreshing wheat beer brewed with real tangerine peel for a lighter, exceptional taste, but I'm more excited about the only 95 calories parts because that's the beer that's going to help me fight off the dad bod that I've been dealing with during the pandemic here.
[00:43:22] Jen Harbinger: Reach for a Blue Moon when you're a need for some added brightness, get Blue Moon and the Light Sky delivered by visiting getbluemoonbeer.com to see your delivery options. Blue Moon, taste brightness, celebrate responsibly. Blue Moon Brewing Company Golden Colorado Ale.
[00:43:36] Jordan Harbinger: Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and/or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
[00:43:54] All right, last but not least.
[00:43:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Howdy gents! My girlfriend is a recent master's grad in creative writing and English, and ended up pursuing a career in publishing. Despite her exceptional skill, though, she has had very little luck getting a job. She has now decided that she is just "no good" and has recently talked about giving up her dream of working with books. The problem is not her abilities. Her editing skills are borderline savant like to the point that sometimes it sounds like she's talking about music rather than writing. Her graduate professors, they raved about her writing and even strongly suggested submitting her work to major publishers when she finishes. She writes young adult novels, great ones, even has several, mostly finished works in the genre. She was also just asked to go full-time as a clerk at the bookstore where she was already working four days a week. This was something that her coworkers constantly pushed for her to request. Her manager was simply waiting for her to ask. As you can probably tell, she is a sweet woman who is very shy and tries to stay in the box as much as possible for fear that she might attract too much attention. Sadly, most of our problems seem to stem from her parents. She has had a terrible relationship with her father who's a loud and proud entrepreneur whose conservative values drove him to success. Their relationship is very rocky and I think that exhibiting any of her father's traits would drive her insane. In addition to all of that, she won't reach out to friends or family for support, and she's terrified to ask for help. She refuses to release anything that is unfinished. And is embarrassed of anybody reading her work, but she also has trouble finishing any of her projects. Where once she was fit and healthy, she now spends time moping about what her life used to be. Her anxiety is stronger than the Hulk, and she has panic attacks that she constantly plays off as health defects, like not drinking enough water, stuff like that. And she's completely opposed to therapy because her father forced her and her brother there after her parents' nasty divorce. So my question is simple: what should I do? Signed, Stymied by My Girlfriends Mighty Psyche.
[00:45:47] Jordan Harbinger: Man, that is a sad story. I was actually really moved by this letter. You obviously love your girlfriend and you seem really to understand her and you want her to succeed. She's lucky to have you looking out for her. Plus she sounds super talented. This isn't somebody who just read the Hunger Games once and was like, "Oh, I can do that. I can do something like this. No big deal." She can write. She's well-trained, she's talented. She just can't seem to get out of her own way, which by the way, very common trait with smart people, even more common with good writers. I don't think I've ever met a writer who didn't wrestle with, at least some of this stuff. Writers are weird. Right, Gabe?
[00:46:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: Uh, yeah, we're out of our mind. So what do you want me to say? I don't know what to tell you.
[00:46:28] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, there you go from the horse's mouth. Although to be fair, if I had to sit down and stare at a blank page every single day, I'd probably be out of my freaking tree too. So look, your girlfriend's situation, it's very complex between the childhood stuff, the parental conflict, the self-esteem issues, the depression, the anxiety, there's no way you or I could solve everything in one email.
[00:46:48] So my advice to you is this: support your girlfriend as much as you can help her see the parts of herself that she struggles to see. Let her know that you are in her corner and committed to helping her in any way that you can. And I think your girlfriend is in a pretty dark place right now. You're probably helping her more than, you know. My sense is that she's been out running her issues for a long time, finding clever ways to repress them. Paper over them with all of her accomplishments, which is a very common strategy for high-performers, by the way. But now, all of this stuff she's been out running is going to catch up with her. It is catching up with her, which it always does. And she's having a harder and harder time keeping it at bay. All of these unresolved problems they're mounting up. They're really paralyzing her. And now, they're kind of starting to bury her.
[00:47:37] So you being there for her caring about her this much, it's huge, even if it just feels like you're a helpless spectator or something like that for now. At the same time, though, you have to understand that you cannot make your girlfriend do anything that she doesn't want to do, and you cannot live her life for her. And I know that we say that a lot on the show. I know it's a little trite, it's trite because it's true. We all want to save the people we love, but we can't and we shouldn't. So until your girlfriend learns how to ask for help, until she really investigates all of these beliefs about herself, until she resolves some of these conflicts with her family, there's only so much that you can do.
[00:48:19] I think it's amazing that you believe in her so much. She really needs that. I absolutely think you should continue supporting her, but there is a difference between supporting her and trying to fix all of her problems. That is her work, not yours.
[00:48:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: I totally agree. And that's got to be one of the hardest things for a guy like this. He's so kind, he's so attuned to her needs, he gets her. He wants to help his partner change, but then he also ends up feeling totally responsible for her, so I agree. That said one thing I would definitely encourage her to do here is give therapy another try. I know she has a ton of resistance around that. I actually think that resistance is very meaningful. I would try to talk to her about what happened when she went to therapy with her family as a kid. Why she might be afraid to open herself up to that process all over again? As much as you can try to help her see that she really does need the help of a professional right now.
[00:49:07] What you've shared with us in this letter, it's more than any one person can take on, let alone a lay person, let alone her partner. It really does require an expert to work through all of that stuff. I would help her understand that her experience in therapy as an adult, that won't be the same as her experience in therapy as a child. In fact, she could walk into her first appointment and say something like, "Look, I don't want to be here. I had a really bad experience in therapy when I was a kid, but I'm here because I need to help, even though it makes me really uncomfortable." That would be a great place to begin therapy, a good therapist. They would know how to dig into that. They would know how to make therapy, a safe place, a productive place for her.
[00:49:42] But look, if she keeps shooting down the therapy thing, you might want to ask her point blank. If she really wants to live with all of these challenges for the rest of her life, because that's really her choice here. Either she can flail in her career, she can cycle between anxiety and depression, struggle with her self-confidence, struggle with her self-esteem, or she can talk to somebody who can help her hopefully get better. So does she want to get better? That's the question. Does she want to be tied to this stuff forever? Or does she want to take a chance and try to work through it? I know that's kind of an intense question to ask your girlfriend. But I think it's an important question and it could actually be the wakeup call she needs to open up her mind a little bit and give it another shot.
[00:50:17] Jordan Harbinger: I agree completely. If she's going to get better, she's the one who has to do the work, not him. And she needs to be doing it with a professional. It's a tough pill to swallow, I get it. When you're partnered the way these two people are partnered, it's natural to feel like you guys are battling all of this together. Almost like you're one person against all of her problems, but that's kind of part of the issue, right? I feel like there's a healthy separation that has to happen here, where you go, "Okay. This is my role in her life. That's her stuff. We each need to handle our piece of it and not take on any more."
[00:50:49] I feel for your girlfriend. I really do. She's a remarkably talented person who has some old trauma to work through some big questions that she has to explore. I hope she gets a chance to do that, but it's up to her, your role in all this is to invite her, to talk, listen to her, validate her feelings, help her, see how she can help herself and encourage her to deal with this in a proper way, a healthy way. And as she absolutely refuses to do this work on herself, then you'll have to learn how to be in this relationship without getting caught up in that struggle. Or you'll have to decide if this is somebody you want to be with for the long-term, but that's another conversation. And it's a conversation you only need to have after really giving this a shot with her. And I hope that helps sending you good thoughts. That's got to be a tough situation. So good luck, man.
[00:51:35] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Go back and check out the guests from this week, Adam Grant and Drew Binsky. Both worth a listen, both, a lot of fun. Adam Grant, that dude is just something else. And Drew Binsky gave us a chance to talk about some of these wild travel stories that I haven't thought about in a couple of decades, along with his own adventures/misadventures.
[00:51:56] If you want to know how I book the folks on the show — I do pretty much everything through my network. I manage my relationships using systems, using tiny habits. It doesn't feel like a lot of work. I'm teaching you those systems and tiny habits in our Six-Minute Networking course, the course is free. You don't have to enter any payment in for any of that crap. It's over on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com/course. Dig the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships, you're too late to start building them. The drills take a few minutes a day. Ignore it at your own peril. jordanharbinger.com/course.
[00:52:29] A link to the show notes for the episode is always at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. There's a video of this Feedback Friday on our YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on Twitter, Instagram, or hit me on LinkedIn. And you can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi.
[00:52:51] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Keep sending in those questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Our advice, our opinions, and those of our guests are always their own. I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:53:32] Behavioral economist, Dan Ariely, shares the hidden logic that shapes our motivations and helps us understand what makes us tick. Here's a preview.
[00:53:41] Dan Ariely: I think that we used to think that the big mysteries of life is, you know, what's in the stars and maybe microbiology. And of course, these are big mysteries. But the human mystery is wonderful. And even though it's just in front of us, there's so much, we don't know. We operate as if we know how the world works, but because our model is wrong, we inflict more pain and increase suffering.
[00:54:06] I think it's true for lots of things. What is our understanding? Think about how we waste our time, think about how we waste our money, how we waste our health. My mission is to do kind of good social engineering, and I think there's just a ton of progress to make. And sadly, we're not doing it in the right way. I think we're actually going back. And the process of social science in which we try different things and try to measure objectively what's going on, and attributing and trying to improve things over time, I think is a wonderful process.
[00:54:40] So when people read or listen or think about those topics, I think that the real benefit is to say, what can I take from my life? What are the things about my life that I'm not observing? Can I be a bit better in observing my life? Can I try to implement something? And then hopefully also, can I try to experiment with something? Is this something I would like to try out in a few different ways and see what leads to a better outcome?
[00:55:06] Jordan Harbinger: For more with Dan Ariely on one of the best productivity tools around, what will help you utilize the most productive hours of the day, and why even the best of us lie and cheat sometimes, check out episode 417 on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:55:23] Hey, Jordan Harbinger here. I want to introduce you to a brand-new podcast from PodcastOne called Our Fake History. It's an award-winning podcast that explores historical myths and misconceptions. Each episode delves into stories that people think are historical fact, but may well be elaborate fiction. Did the Aztecs really think the Spanish conquistadors were gods? Was there a real Island of Atlantis? Was baseball really invented in one afternoon by a Civil War hero? Our Fake History looks at these questions and tries to determine what's fact, what's fiction, and what is such a good story, it simply must be told. It even won the best educational podcast at the 2018 podcast awards. Like anyone else, I love a great story and I've been loving Our Fake History. If you're interested in weird and wonderful stories from the past, download Our Fake History on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now.
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