1078: House Repairs Laggin’ While He’s Off the Wagon | Feedback Friday

1078: House Repairs Laggin' While He's Off the Wagon | Feedback Friday

This transcript is yet untouched by human hands. Please proceed with caution as we sort through what the robots have given us. We appreciate your patience!

[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback Friday producer, the free drink voucher, helping you cope with this overbooked cabin of life conundrum, Gabriel Mizrahi. You know, you're just getting the tomato juice with it though. Well, you know, there's actually science to that.

I looked this up apparently, and this sounds not very sciencey, but apparently the pressurized cabin of an airplane somehow dulls your sense of smell and therefore taste what? Yeah, so look, this is Google ai, so take it with a grain of digital salt uhhuh, but apparently the tartness and spices of tomato juice make it taste more flavorful than other drinks on a plane.

Okay, nerd. Yeah. What is this? I know.

[00:00:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: Is this why everybody on planes orders tomato juice, but you never hear about tomato juice in normal life,

[00:00:45] Jordan Harbinger: right? Yeah, the guilty is charged on the nerd thing, but tomato juice. Also Google AI is rich in umami flavor, and umami is not impacted by altitude. Hmm. Yeah. I don't know

[00:00:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: about this.

Did you go on this digression because you wanted to use that soundbite? It's been sitting here for a while. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah.

[00:01:06] Jordan Harbinger: It's been sitting in the, it's been sitting in the bank for a minute. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. And during the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks from war correspondence to neuroscientists astronauts, to hostage negotiators. This week we had Michael Arndt, the screenwriter of the movie, little Miss Sunshine Toy Story, three Star Wars, the Force Awakens among many other amazing films.

I tag team this one with Gabe, which is always fun. We talked to Michael about his unique philosophy of storytelling, how he went from writing a small kind of quirky indie film to winning the Academy Award and what it's like to be responsible for some of the biggest franchises in history. We also talked about his panic attacks in the hallways at Pixar, trying to write Toy Story three, how he thinks about failure, sharing credit with people, the future of AI in Hollywood.

We covered a lot of ground in this one. I think you guys are gonna dig it even if you're not in Hollywood or not a screenwriter or even a creative at all. We also did a skeptical Sunday, last Sunday on wine fraud. Something I hope to talk about even more on this show, just 'cause I think it's such an interest.

I don't care anything of about wine, but it's still so fascinating how people get duped. By this, I mean counterfeit food. Who knew? On Fridays though we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, play obnoxious sound bites, and compare Gabe to various minor in-flight amenities. Before we dive in, Gabe, we have an update on a previous letter, correct?

[00:02:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: We do so. As you guys might remember, a few weeks back we took a letter from a woman whose boyfriend had been accused by his ex-girlfriend of sexually abusing her son. And also she said that he had done the same with his own children from a previous marriage. And that was why his ex-wife took the kids and moved them outta the country to the United States.

So this guy says that the claims are false, that his ex-girlfriend is unstable, that there was an investigation. They looked into it, they found nothing, and the ex-girlfriend was going around telling everyone that he did this awful thing.

[00:03:00] Jordan Harbinger: Right? And our friend in that letter was trying to figure out like, how do I verify this?

How do I know the truth?

[00:03:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. That was episode 10 66, by the way, if you wanna check it out. So this letter sparked a pretty big debate in our subreddit that week. We also got a bunch of emails about it, and I. A lot of people had the same reaction to it, which was basically get out like right now.

[00:03:19] Jordan Harbinger: Right?

Get out because there are too many red flags here. 'cause she had also caught him in some white lies and he was a little dodgy about taking ownership of stuff. She even thought she noticed him checking out young boys, right? That was kind of a thing,

[00:03:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: right? Which we couldn't tell if that was her looking for evidence to confirm her weird suspicion or if Right.

It was hard to know what was going on there. But our take was basically, you need to gather a lot more information however you can, because right now there's just no way for you to know the truth.

[00:03:43] Jordan Harbinger: So I remember us treading lightly with this one because a lot of the facts candidly did not sound good. But we've also taken letters here on the show.

There's one just a few months ago where vindictive people have literally made up just disgustingly disturbing claims like this to retaliate against an ex or get custody of kids or whatever. So I didn't feel comfortable saying, oh, just dump him and run. Although that was my initial

[00:04:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: hunch, we just couldn't know what was truly going on.

Right. And that's a really difficult place to be. So we just got an update from the woman who wrote in, and it goes, dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm not sure this email constitutes an emergency, but I wanted to give you guys an update on my letter. My boyfriend's ex, the woman who accused him of molesting her son, has come forward saying she lied about the accusations.

Well, damn. That's wild. There you go. Her reasoning is she was mad at the time. Oh, okay. In that

[00:04:32] Jordan Harbinger: case, look, whatever, I just gotta stop and appreciate this. Yeah. Let's, this guy's ex, the one he said was unstable. Literally told people that he molested multiple children because she was mad at the time.

[00:04:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: Isn't that

[00:04:44] Jordan Harbinger: something?

It's unconscionable. It's horrible. It is. This isn't, you know, he could be a little mean sometimes. This is, he molested three children, including his own. It's awful. You just can't easily shake a rumor like that off your bag. It doesn't work.

[00:04:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. And then look how it affects other people. What position it put our friend here in.

Yeah. And she was in agony about not knowing whether her boyfriend did this terrible thing. She was about to break up with him. Yeah.

[00:05:07] Jordan Harbinger: I'm furious

[00:05:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: at this woman to say the least. Carry on. She confided in a well-respected elder in our community and that elder told my boyfriend. My response when I heard it was, I don't believe you.

I wanna see it in writing. So he texted this community elder in front of me immediately, and I saw the responses. They were very specific and confirmed that his ex did in fact lie. And by the way, this solicitor provided a screenshot of the text messages with this elder. So it all seems to check out.

[00:05:34] Jordan Harbinger: Wow, great.

So there's hard proof, or at least proof that this respected third party spoke with this woman. She told the elder that he didn't do this stuff. That's very helpful.

[00:05:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: So the letter goes on. I'm blown away that she's come forward with the truth, especially now after all this time has passed. I can't believe someone would do something so heinous.

There's been so much suffering. This has been devastating to my boyfriend and to me, but I think it's most traumatizing to her kid.

[00:05:58] Jordan Harbinger: Well, yeah, no kidding. I'm sure this woman is creating a lot of problems for a lot of people. She is nuts.

[00:06:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: So she goes on. This did change my suspicions somewhat, but about the fact that his ex-wife fled to the United States with his kids.

I do still find that alarming. Like what happened there?

[00:06:15] Jordan Harbinger: Well, fair question. This doesn't mean nothing happened. He could have made some mistakes or driven his ex and kids away somehow, but it does seem to rule out this one horrifying scenario.

[00:06:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: I did find a great deal of relief hearing that his ex-girlfriend confessed.

But why? To only this person while she continues to uphold her lie publicly, perhaps because it would ruin her.

[00:06:34] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, so she's still running around saying that he hurt the kids?

[00:06:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: Apparently. But then she's privately texting their community elder or their priest or whatever and saying he didn't do it. I just said he did.

[00:06:43] Jordan Harbinger: I mean, that is super sus. That doesn't make any sense. I'm inclined to say that means he didn't do it. 'cause why would you tell one person a highly reputable and influential person that you were lying? Yeah. You would just keep lying. Keep lying, right? Yeah.

[00:06:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: And I still feel insane. Are these texts even good enough?

Proof. Signed less afraid that I've made a mistake, but still stuck with feelings I can't shake, even though this woman has basically outed herself as a snake.

[00:07:10] Jordan Harbinger: Wild update. Gabe, what a crazy turn of events. I don't know about you, but I find this text highly compelling evidence. The source sounds solid. I can't imagine why this elder would make up this conversation or lie about it, so I do think it's good enough proof.

It's highly damaging to his ex's credibility. So this woman needs to come forward publicly on Facebook, in church, or fricking posters around town, wherever, and say, I made this up about my ex for X, Y, Z reasons. I was angry. I was bitter. I wanted to see him suffer. I'm embarrassed and I'm sorry.

[00:07:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, but she's not gonna do that.

[00:07:38] Jordan Harbinger: Well, no. Not unless a court forces her to or something, but yeah, that's what she should do. Instead of just texting their pastor or whatever and privately confessing, this actually makes my blood boil. And this is, there's a cause of action here. The lawyer in me is going, your boyfriend should sue her into oblivion for defamation.

Because Gabe, didn't she say in her original letter that he lost his job because of this?

[00:08:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh, good memory. Yeah, she did. Well, actually, she said that he worked at a school when the accusations came out and then he lost his job. But he said that he quit his job. But then she also said that he was turned down for a job he applied for because of all of this, so, or at least that's what she suspects.

[00:08:13] Jordan Harbinger: Right. So if that's true, that's actually extremely useful because right to prove a defamation case, you generally have to prove that the statement was false and that the person knew it was false when they made it, which this text message seems to confirm. You also have to prove that the statement was made publicly, not just told privately to him, which is clearly the case.

You have to prove that the statement caused harm, that it had some negative impact on his reputation, career, relationships, wellbeing, which it also clearly did, especially if you can prove that he lost his job and or this other job opportunity. And you sometimes have to show that the person acted negligently or with malice, meaning she had the intent to harm in spreading the rumor, which again, she clearly did.

I mean, she said she was mad at the time. What? That's what that means. Now, whether he wants to pursue a whole court case against his ex, that's another question I'd understand if he didn't wanna go through all that. But situations like this, this is precisely what defamation lawsuits are for. And there's a big part of me that wants his ex to pay financially reputationally, for dropping this grenade into his life because this is, it's diabolical.

[00:09:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I hear you. And even if he didn't get any damages out of her, just having it on record might be enough to restore his reputation. Although he'd probably have to invest a lot of time and some money in this fight that could get ugly and it could get very exhausting.

[00:09:28] Jordan Harbinger: Right. I get that. But from where I'm sitting, the defendant accused the other of molesting three children, including his own, by the way, which compromised his career, his relationships, possibly his relationships with his family and the plaintiff.

What did nothing except tell people that his ex was unstable, which by the way, apparently she actually is. So, wow, man. Quite an update. I'm glad things turned out this way, that your boyfriend didn't do these awful things. I know you still have questions about his divorce and his family, and that's totally fair.

It sounds like you can at least put this one very terrible accusation. The only one of its kind as far as we know to bet, and I hope that gives you the information and the comfort that you needed to know whether to continue this relationship. Gabe, the dues cruise is kicking off nicely. We haven't even left port yet, so let's do that, shall we?

Gabe, what is the first thing out of the mailbag?

[00:10:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. I'm in what I would call the closest thing to a dream relationship that anyone can reasonably hope for. I've really found the love of my life. Six years in. We are as in love as we were during the honeymoon phase. Neither of us are anywhere near perfect, but we're perfect for each other.

He's generous with affection and not a day goes by without hearing how much he loves me. It's almost sickeningly sweet at times. The issue is he has a drinking problem. He knows he has a drinking problem and has quit and fallen off the wagon more times than I can count. When I met him, he was a fully functional alcoholic and worked as much as he needed to to support himself.

It wasn't really much of an issue except for the fact that I had to stop stalking my liquor cabinet because it was too expensive. I drink myself, but lightly, so I like to have the standard spirits in the house, but I no longer keep any alcohol in the house for his sake. He moved in quickly since he was always there.

Anyway, we love being together. I never asked him to split the bills because in my mind, I handled all my bills and the mortgage fine before I met him, and it wasn't costing me anything for him to be there, and I enjoyed it. I never needed his money, just him. But over time, he got what I would consider too comfortable having almost no financial responsibilities.

I have a very strong work ethic, and he seemed genuinely inspired by that at first, but that fizzled. I often find that the money he voluntarily contributes to the household isn't enough to cover his portion of the phone, insurance, food, et cetera.

[00:11:41] Jordan Harbinger: Hmm. Interesting. All interesting details.

[00:11:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Then four months ago, I bought a second house.

He was 100% on board with the idea of handling the renovations so we could move in. Then updating the first house so we could rent it out. I know that he has the skills, but not always the motivation. So I made it crystal clear that I had one condition for going through with the purchase. He had to stay sober until the work was done.

Ooh, here we go. He's so much more reliable and efficient when he's free from the fog of alcohol. I needed him to be the best version of himself while getting this accomplished, since I'm paying two mortgages and every week that goes by is money outta my pocket. Uhhuh. So he, he fell off the wagon and lost a week to withdrawal symptoms.

Ugh, man. His self-loathing was heart wrenching. He started attending AA and got his one month chip. Then he started getting cocky that he could handle an occasional beer. As long as he didn't go beyond that spoiler alert, he was wrong. He fell deep into the bottle one day and called me crying, afraid I would leave him for breaking his promise.

Oh man. Poor guy. This is such a mess. Again, I offered support and encouragement, but my enthusiasm and patience are getting harder to muster with every cycle. It's been over four months and he's still only on the bathroom edition. I wonder if the pressure of deadlines that he can't meet is too stressful for him while trying to stay sober and I should just hire someone else.

But that's way outta my budget since the whole plan was based on his skills saving me a ton of money, as well as making up for contributing less than his share lately. Also because he can't work elsewhere. While dedicating himself full-time to the remodel, we agreed that I'd give him $200 a week so he doesn't have to stay broke to do this for me, but I don't want to give him that money for time.

He didn't actually work. It seems like petty change, but over four months it really adds up. I have some experience running a job site, and if he weren't the love of my life, he would've been fired long ago, but I feel like it would be an insult to kick him off the project and taint the special thing we have, and he means more to me than the growing cost of the project.

I want what's best for him and for us, but now I'm wondering if I'm doing more harm than good by being patient. I feel like he'll be ashamed that I couldn't count on him when it really mattered. If I abandon our agreement, and maybe he should be, but sobriety is so hard for some people, and I'm trying to be sympathetic without being an enabler.

Should I just suck it up and let him finish the job and consider it a lesson learned and keep my business and my love life separate from now on? Or should I try to find someone else to complete the job so that he can concentrate on recovery signed, continue this plication while my guy wrestles with temptation or act on my frustration because the last straw was this renovation.

[00:14:30] Jordan Harbinger: Oh boy. Okay. Well, first of all, I'm very sorry that your partner has struggled with his sobriety so much that you're so exposed to this rollercoaster that he's on. It just sounds extremely sad and stressful. People in active addiction, they cause a lot of chaos for themselves and for the people around them, and you're experiencing a lot of that chaos yourself.

Now, it can be really hard to know when to give an addict forgiveness and grace and when to draw a red line and hold them to a higher standard. So my heart goes out to you. It, it really does. This is not easy. Here's the thing, and I'm just gonna cut to the heart of the matter in so many ways. I'm afraid you are enabling your partner here, almost from the moment your letter began.

You started listing all the ways you've supported him, given him a soft landing, and from where I'm sitting, kind of inadvertently allowed him to continue this cycle, this very tragic cycle with very few real consequences. Most of that takes the form of money, right? The bills, the mortgage, the phone, the insurance, the food, all of that.

But it also takes the form of your patience, your forgiveness. Like you said, he's fallen off the wagon more times than you can count. That's a lot of times. And yet here you are still supporting him, still allowing him to manage the house renovation. You're even paying him to do that when he hasn't handled it well at all.

And you're asking, do I just let him finish the job? Take the L and keep my business and love life separate? Do I hire a contractor so he can focus on his recovery? And I get those questions, but I think the question you should be asking is, how much do I put up with here? Should there be a limit to my support?

How much should I expect of my partner?

[00:16:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. Right. And also, how did we end up here? I find it fascinating that she started the letter by saying, I've really found the love of my life. I'm in what I would call the closest thing to a dream relationship anyone can reasonably hope for.

[00:16:16] Jordan Harbinger: Which I don't know, is it right?

Really? Is this the dream?

[00:16:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: Look, I'm sure there are aspects of their relationship that are very loving, very meaningful. He sounds like a really sweet guy. She's obviously a saint. Mm-Hmm. On top of being apparently pretty brilliant with her finances, her investments, and this new property. But yeah, I share your question, Jordan.

He might be the love of your life. Yes. But if you feel that this is the closest thing to a dream relationship that anyone can reasonably hope for, I think there are some really important things for you to look at here. What a dream relationship actually is. Maybe why you feel you can't reasonably hope for more, because I gotta state the obvious here, standing by while your partner relapses over and over again, struggling financially actually, because he won't live up to his commitments to you.

And then tolerating the chaos of that again and again. I'm sorry, but that's not the dream. It's not even close to the dream.

[00:17:06] Jordan Harbinger: No, no way. And it makes me wonder what experiences led her to believe that that might be the case.

[00:17:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm also very curious, I'm also curious to know what you are discounting or overlooking in order to continue believing that narrative.

[00:17:19] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Because if she were looking at the facts squarely in the face, which to her credit she is starting to do, and I commend her for that. She'd have to confront the very painful reality that she's not only in a relationship with an addict who is not taking his recovery seriously, but also that she has, well, she's created the conditions for him to not have to take his recovery seriously.

[00:17:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: When she said, neither of us are anywhere near perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I almost wanted to say that might be more true than you realize.

[00:17:47] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It's kind of, that's sort of like dysfunctional couple mantra, right? We're perfect for each other even though we're not perfect. It's like, uh, okay, but that's interesting.

Gabe, you mean they're dynamic? Is perfect for each other. Right,

[00:17:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: right. Perfectly designed to enable him.

[00:18:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.

[00:18:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: And probably perfectly designed to accomplish something for her. Although I'm not totally clear from her letter what that is.

[00:18:08] Jordan Harbinger: Well, I don't wanna oversimplify, but I think it might be about securing love.

[00:18:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Mm. Yeah. That's probably in the mix.

[00:18:14] Jordan Harbinger: Look at how they got here. Right. He's generous with affection. Not a day goes by without hearing how much he loves me. It's almost sickeningly sweet at times. That's like line three of the letter if memory serves. He moved in quickly since he was always there. Anyway, we love being together.

I never asked him to split the bills because it wasn't costing me anything for him to be there, and I enjoyed it.

[00:18:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: I never needed his money. Just him.

[00:18:33] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Look, what I'm hearing is that she really loves this guy and hey, fair enough. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve her love or that their relationship doesn't work on some level.

But what he's providing her is affection, validation, and connection, and those are obviously legitimate forms of love. They're wonderful,

[00:18:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: but in the economy of their relationship,

[00:18:52] Jordan Harbinger: right, in the economy of their relationship, she supports him financially and he tells her how much he loves her and spends time with her, right?

That's basically how this works. I don't mean to minimize how meaningful that is. I know that sound is maybe came across a little bit mean, but that's not my intent. Again, what's complicated about this story is that this guy might not be an outright parasite. He might not be straight up coning her, although I suppose it's possible, and my hunch is that there's a layer to this relationship that is somewhat kind of practical, but just on the level of what do we provide each other?

I think that's it. Financial security for love. I'm connecting some dots here. That may or may not be fair. I'm gonna leave it to our friend here to decide 'cause I don't live with them. But I do worry a little bit about that arrangement because even if his love is genuine and meaningful to some degree, it's coming at a massive cost to her.

Not not just financially, but otherwise.

[00:19:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: Agreed. But even more to the point is that love that he professes so often, is that truly genuine and meaningful if his behavior doesn't always live up to it. Okay, good point. Look, I know addiction is hard. I know it's a disease. I know it has a logic of its own. I'm not saying that an addict can't love people or that he can't have real feelings for her and also be a little bit out control.

If he really truly loves her to the point of saying it so much that she finds it kind of sickly sweet, then why isn't he working his program as much as he can? Why isn't he going to therapy to figure out why he can't stick with his recovery? You know, why isn't he getting better at house renovation so he can honor the deal that they agreed on?

Those would be a few ways to really express his love for her and also for himself. And that's much more meaningful than just, you know, saying the words all the time.

[00:20:26] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. The more we talk about this, the more I'm getting the picture of a guy who's not taking care of himself, who's outta control, and who just to be totally blunt, is not hitting rock bottom because he kind of has it on Easy Street.

Because his girlfriend will always forgive him and always bail him out. I mean, imagine if he didn't have her, where would he be?

[00:20:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: He'd either be suffering and then confronting the reality of his addiction, or maybe he'd be in recovery and rebuilding his life on his own, which

[00:20:52] Jordan Harbinger: I'm afraid I, look, I'm afraid that's what he needs, but he can't do that as long as she's picking up the tab every time.

[00:20:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: I also, to your point a moment ago, think we need to appreciate what that tab actually is, because it's not just financial. Yes. I thought it was interesting when she said, I feel like it would be an insult to kick him off the project and taint the special thing we have. You know, I feel he'll be ashamed that I couldn't count on him when it really mattered if I abandoned our agreement.

What I'm hearing is that she is protecting this guy emotionally too. She's cramping around him.

[00:21:21] Jordan Harbinger: Totally. Yeah. This is part of the enabling.

[00:21:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: It might be the biggest part of the enabling. She doesn't want him to experience the shame of having fallen off the wagon, of having failed her over and over again of disappointing her.

She also doesn't want to compromise the connection they do have by pressing the issue

[00:21:37] Jordan Harbinger: Totally. But like she said, maybe he should be ashamed.

[00:21:40] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. Which is a really good observation. Yeah. I mean that shame might be appropriate and healthy to some degree and perhaps an essential part of his recovery.

[00:21:49] Jordan Harbinger: Right. She's doing a lot of gymnastics and self-censorship here to help him avoid confronting how badly he's compromised her, disappointed her and kind of dishonored their love for each other

[00:21:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: and that's the problem. But you know, by helping him avoid his shame, I think she's also kind of helping herself avoid her own.

[00:22:06] Jordan Harbinger: Interesting. You mean like the shame of admitting how much she's putting up with maybe,

[00:22:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: yeah. Like how much she's compromised herself and sacrificed her own needs to protect this guy and maybe to secure the things that he does offer her. To your point. Which might not be entirely healthy all the time.

[00:22:22] Jordan Harbinger: Again, to her credit though, I think she's already onto this, she literally said, I want what's best for him and us. But now I'm wondering if I'm doing more harm than good by being patient. So to answer your question, should you just let him finish the job and consider it a lesson? Honestly, I don't know the answer.

You're welcome to give him one last chance. Make it crystal clear what you expect from him and what you'll have to do if he can't get it together and manage this renovation properly, and then be prepared to make that call. I think some version of that chat is necessary, and yeah, you should absolutely consider this a lesson, but I don't think it's the lesson you have in mind.

This isn't ultimately about mixing business and personal relationships. This is about how you and your partner fundamentally operate, how you guys ended up here, what you owe each other,

[00:23:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: which isn't a lesson Exactly. It's a process that she needs to be in,

[00:23:10] Jordan Harbinger: for sure. One that I'd love for you to bring into therapy if you're not already there, but you already know that as for finding somebody else to complete the job so he can concentrate on his recovery again, maybe, maybe not.

It's possible that you're looking at a very long and chaotic timeline with this recovery, and you should really ask yourself if you're willing to take the hit financially, if you let this drag on. I do think you have some good reasons to hire a professional and you should not feel bad about protecting yourself financially because at the end of the day, this is a business decision and your partner has dropped the ball.

[00:23:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: The piece I'm more interested in actually is the, should I hire someone so he can concentrate on his recovery? Because here again, I think you might be doing some of his work for him, he should be the one telling you, Hey, I am struggling to do this renovation and focus on my recovery. I gotta get sober.

So I think maybe we should talk about hiring somebody else, or he needs to say, I gotta be able to do this renovation and focus on my recovery. Can you help me figure out how? But you wondering if you should hire somebody to make this easier on him. I mean, that might in fact be helpful, but is that also one more way to prop him up?

[00:24:18] Jordan Harbinger: Mm, yeah, that's a good point and something I would definitely sit with. So you have some work to do here on your own, and with him, we're not saying you have to break up with this guy immediately, although candidly, I do have some concerns about whether this relationship is healthy. But if it's going to continue in a way that's fair and sustainable and truly loving, I do believe that you need to have a very honest conversation with him.

And you need to go into that conversation prepared to own your part of this, the ways that you might have inadvertently enabled him over the years. And also, you gotta be prepared to hurt his feelings a little bit. You're not being cruel, you're not being a bad partner. He's primarily responsible for this mess, but you're not doing anyone any favors by protecting him emotionally.

That's gotta stop so you guys can step into a a more authentic and high functioning relationship, and then it's up to him to decide if he wants to live up to that version of your relationship. And that's the closest thing to a dream relationship in my opinion. One that grows and evolves and can handle more and more honesty as it operates in a healthier way.

It's gonna be painful at times, but I promise it can't be more dysfunctional than this. And that'll give you the data that you need to decide if you guys really are, like you said, perfect for each other, sending you good thoughts and wishing you all the best. You know what? We're happy to enable your addiction to.

The Intoxicatingly good deals on the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Dell and a MD. Episode four of the cybersecurity tapes has just dropped, and it couldn't be more timely with our own election just behind us, imagine the chaos of the technology we rely on to cast our votes suddenly went haywire.

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Catch episode four of the cybersecurity tapes on your favorite podcast platform, and if you have a tech horror story of your own, leave them a review. Your experience could even inspire the next riveting episode. This episode is sponsored in part by the defender. We all have those big goals that seem just outta reach, right?

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[00:27:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: Alright, next up. Hi Jordan and Gabe. I work as an entry-level interior designer at a kitchen design company.

It's a niche in the interior design industry and the designers I get to work with are amazing mentors. I'm not actively looking to find a new job, but I really, really, really wanna work at a full service residential design company come time. I want to ensure that I'm equipped with the necessary hard and soft skills to stand out from the competition.

My plan right now is to reach out to prospective residential design companies and get some insights from the principal designer as to what those skill sets are, but I'm having trouble formulating a cordial statement and request that outlines the information I'm trying to obtain. I wanna be able to have a very insightful conversation for both of us and make it memorable.

Do you have any advice on what I can write or say to the other person? Signed, hoping to stand out and make my dreams pan out when I give these strangers a shout.

[00:28:40] Jordan Harbinger: This is so cool. I love this whole idea, and I love your mindset here, being ambitious, wanting to learn, planting these seeds early, wanting to make sure that this conversation is valuable for both you and the people that you talk to.

That's always the missing piece. You're going into these chats with exactly the right spirit. So kudos to you here. So here's my take on this. In an ideal world, you would meet these folks and build a relationship before asking them for something. In this case, advice and guidance on how to build your skills for this career.

You want. But because you're still fairly junior and these people are more senior and you don't really know them yet, the only way to reach them would be to reach out cold. It might not always be possible to help them out or do them a solid before you ask for their time. So my advice in those situations is you gotta lean into that.

Be bold and direct about asking for what you want, but also be respectful and grateful. So if I were you, I'd send them an email like, dear so and so, my name is hoping to stand out. I'm an entry-level interior designer at such and such kitchen design company, which I'm absolutely loving. I'm reaching out because I'm really excited about the work you do.

And my dream is to one day work at a residential design company like yours. I want to be a great candidate when the time comes, I know that I have a lot to learn. I'm eager to start building those skills starting now. I. So I wanted to reach out and ask if you might be willing to share some very quick advice on the skills I should be developing, how I might pursue them, either here by email or by phone.

If it's easier, I'm also happy to come to your office. I'll bring the coffee, whatever you're comfortable with, zero pressure. I'm not asking for a ton of your time. Even a quick response with a few ideas would just be amazing. And the part I would include here, and this is really important, is please know that whatever advice you share with me, I will take it to heart.

I will put it into action. I'm deeply passionate about our field and I'm committed to becoming the best possible designer. So your guidance would mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading my email. Keep up the brilliant work, something like that. Brief, heartfelt, respectful. You just really can't go wrong.

Then you see what you get back, you're probably not gonna get a 100% response rate. That is okay. You don't need every single person to hit you back, even if 2, 3, 4 people hit you back with advice. I think that's huge. And then you can build the relationship from there by thanking them, by following their advice and sharing quick updates with them from time to time.

By sharing resources with them, whether it's articles or industry reports or industry gossip, or just some cool ideas you came up with. I would not be surprised if some of these emails or phone calls turned into job leads in a few years. That is literally how this stuff works. And by the way, the thing I said a moment ago about how ideally you build some capital with these folks before you ask them for something.

That's true, but it's not always necessary and sometimes it's not even appropriate. I think a lot of people, especially people earlier in their careers, they just forget that being kind, being grateful, being open, actually following through on advice from more experienced people. That's its own form of value.

I mean, look, I get emails from time to time from people in their twenties, people right outta college. They want advice on careers and podcasting, whether to apply to law school, whatever it is. And in a lot of cases, realistically, they are not gonna do me some huge solid before they ask me for guidance.

They're 22 for God's sake, right? The reason they're reaching out is literally I'm young and I don't know what to do, so I generally don't expect much from them. But when I hear from somebody who's clearly thoughtful, they're respectful, I can see that they're gonna do something valuable with what I share with them.

That's enough for me. That's the value. I don't mind kicking off a relationship on that note. So that's why I encourage people to be bold when they reach out for help from more experienced people, because if you're too shy in your request or you bury the lead, you might not get what you want. Or if you go too far the other way and pretend that you have something to offer when you don't, that often comes across as inflated and presumptuous and that can actually work against you.

So your best bet is just to be where you are and open yourself up to help in the right spirit, which is exactly what you're doing. And I promise you the right people are gonna respond to that email. My only other thought for you is don't be afraid to reach out to people at your level two or just a few years above you.

You don't only need to learn from these senior people. I'd also reach out to people who have just made the transition that you wanna make in a few years and ask them what they did. Or maybe some peers at your level who are contemplating the same moves you wanna make and find out what they're doing to prepare.

You don't always have to reach up in order to learn. Oftentimes you can reach laterally sideways too, and actually sometimes sideways is even better. Like I said, I love your ambition. I love your humility, but mostly I love your attitude. I know that those things are gonna serve you very well in these conversations and in your career in general.

So have fun and good luck. You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If your grandparents smuggled an immigrant with a violent past into the country, you're struggling with your anger after a friend's suicide, or your young child just told you that their sibling coerced them into some inappropriate sexual activity, whatever's got you staying up at night lately.

Hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter wee bit wiser. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered right to your inbox once a week. If you wanna keep up with the wisdom from our 1000 plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out.

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Alright, Gabe, what's next?

[00:34:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi guys. My dad left home when I was 12 or 13 years old. Recently he, his wife and my half brother visited for the weekend. And at 44 years old, I'm now feeling this old wound open up again. What I find interesting is how much I hate the woman he left us for. He left because he got her pregnant.

I guess that I focus all of my hurt towards her because it's easier than hating my dad. And it's so unfair to hate my half brother. I love my dad and my brother. I blame her for him leaving us. When she talks to me. I don't wanna look at her or listen. I manage pretty well to pretend to be nice, but while she's talking I mostly think I hate you.

Shut up, et cetera. She's not a horrible person at all, but she'll always be the woman that split up my family. Is it normal that I'm still hurting after over 30 years will I ever get over this? Signed still tender and stoking the embers of my temper after a new woman entered and destroyed my family center.

[00:35:16] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my gosh. Wow. Great question. I really appreciate your vulnerability here. I can hear that it's tough to talk about. I know it can be kind of embarrassing to find yourself in your forties feeling upset about something that happened a long time ago, but I think that's what happens when we don't fully work through certain things until later on in life.

And honestly, it can happen even when we do these childhood wounds. You were 12 or 13 when this happened. That's such a tender age, especially when they involve a parent. They can be very painful, very deep. So I get all these feelings that you're having now. So, yes, it's perfectly normal to still be hurting 30 plus years later.

I would not judge yourself or beat yourself up for that. It probably feels very intense, very vulnerable, and like I said, I get why that comes with some shame, but you don't need to be ashamed. In fact, I admire you for wanting to look at this more closely now at your age for reaching out and asking for a new angle on this.

The shame can make you wanna avoid an experience like this, but sitting in it, appreciating it, that'll bring you closer to the wound and ultimately closer to healing. Which brings me to your second question. Will I ever get over this? My short answer is, I don't know. That really depends on the process you go through around this, whether it's talking about your dad in therapy, unpacking this with your friends and your family, working through this on your own.

My longer answer is, what does getting over it actually mean for you? Does it mean never feeling anything about your dad or his wife ever again? Because I don't think that's realistic. More importantly, I don't think that would even be helpful. I think the more feelings you can be in touch with around all this, the more angles on this story you have, the better.

But also does the desire to just get over something like this as opposed to engaging in some potentially uncomfortable work over a long period of time, does that itself speak to a part of you that wants to avoid having to feel those feelings around your dad and his wife in the first place?

[00:37:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: And is that part of the reason that it might have taken you a while to really confront this stuff?

[00:37:09] Jordan Harbinger: Well, exactly. But look, if your question is, will I ever feel better about this? Yeah, I mean, I, I do think that's very, very possible that you will feel better. But again, that also depends on how you work through this. So, I dunno, Gabe, should we talk about that?

[00:37:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, to your point, that's gonna be a process.

It's not a one-time event. This is the kind of core wound or formative early experience that therapy is really designed for. Not really something we can do automatically in a few minutes on a podcast. So obviously I would love for her to have that longer term experience. But as a starting point, she obviously has a lot of anger toward her stepmom or her dad's wife as she calls her.

And I get that the narrative that she is working with here, and it might be partly true, is that this is the woman who stole him away, who broke up her family. And that anger might be justified to some degree. We don't know all the facts. Underneath that anger is clearly a lot of hurt, and I get that too.

I mean, to lose your father at 12 years old, 13 years old, especially under these circumstances, her father got another woman pregnant. They had a child together, he left. Like you said, this is very painful stuff.

[00:38:13] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah,

[00:38:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: I can only imagine what she was dealing with back then. She was probably deeply sad, profoundly angry, maybe a little embarrassed.

Scared kind of weirded out and on top of everything. She suddenly had a half sibling who, I don't know, I might be speculating a little bit here, but he might have sometimes felt a little like competition on top of everything.

[00:38:34] Jordan Harbinger: Right? Like it wasn't just dad left us, it was also Dad chose him.

[00:38:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's possible.

And if so, then this wound has a few different contours, right? There's the loss of a father. There's the loss of the family system as she knew it. And there's also possibly this feeling of being deprioritized or possibly even replaced, which would explain some of the anger she feels, which she says is unfair, but I do think is sort of in the mix here.

[00:38:59] Jordan Harbinger: Totally. Hey, the fact that she said it's unfair to hate my half brother. I thought that was pretty evolved of her, because I get it if she hated him, but obviously none of this was that guy's fault.

[00:39:09] Gabriel Mizrahi: I agree. And yet she's allowed to feel that anger, even if she knows that intellectually it's not entirely fair.

But the question of whom to be mad at here, I think that's also a huge piece of the story.

[00:39:19] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. She's saying, I focus all my hurt toward my stepmom because it's easier than hating my dad. But something tells me that's not the full story.

[00:39:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: Look, this woman is the easy villain here. Mm-Hmm. And like I said, she certainly bears some of the responsibilities.

She engaged with a married man. She got pregnant. She's the obvious proximal reason that their family got broken up.

[00:39:38] Jordan Harbinger: But that was at least partly dad's doing too. Course what I learned in sixth grade, biology health

[00:39:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: class holds up. Right. And she knows that. But it sounds like there's something difficult, maybe even dangerous about being angry at her father.

[00:39:52] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Because then she'd have to feel that feeling. Right. Which is hating a parent for what he did, which is, you know. Not comfortable,

[00:39:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: and I wonder if that would maybe also feel like losing him again.

[00:40:02] Jordan Harbinger: Interesting. Like she lost him once to this woman and she might lose him again if she were to direct some of her possibly justified rage at him.

[00:40:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: Again, I am speculating a little bit here. She'll have to decide if this fits, but yes, allowing herself to be angry at her father, that might have put even more distance between them. It might have compromised whatever connection they did have. It might feel that way again now at this point in her life, and that might be part of what feels kind of scary or dangerous or just kind of vaguely impossible about it.

[00:40:32] Jordan Harbinger: I could see that there might be other reasons for that too, though. You know, maybe dad wasn't slash isn't great at making room for her anger. Maybe he didn't even make it possible for her to be mad at him back then.

[00:40:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: That is actually a great point. Obviously we don't know what this guy is like, but yes, absolutely.

When we're very young, we're often only in touch with those feelings that our parents can recognize and validate to the extent that they're able to tolerate those feelings. Again, I, I feel like I'm doing this a lot today. I'm connecting some dots here that might or might not exist. Mm-Hmm. But I imagine a father who carries on with another woman who gets her pregnant, who leaves the family to be with her.

I can see that father having a pretty hard time receiving his daughter's anger.

[00:41:10] Jordan Harbinger: Well, imagine what he would need to be in touch with if he did. Yikes.

[00:41:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. It would be very unusual for a father who did something like this to go to his daughter and say, look, however you're feeling about me, however you're feeling about Candace or whatever.

Sure. However you feel about the baby, it's all fair game. I'm here to listen and understand, even if it's kind of hard for you to say to me, I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

[00:41:31] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. If he couldn't tolerate those feelings from her. I can see how dot, dot, dot, you're 44 and you have your dad and his wife over for dinner, and suddenly you're seeing red and wondering why you haven't gotten over it yet.

[00:41:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: Because how can you get over something that no one, especially the primary and legitimate target of your anger allowed you to get over? Right.

[00:41:50] Jordan Harbinger: I'm also curious about mom in all this. We didn't hear about her at all, so there's not much to say.

[00:41:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: No. Interesting.

[00:41:55] Jordan Harbinger: I'm just curious to hear how she responded to all this, how she felt about the dad after he left, how much room she made for our friend here's experience.

[00:42:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I would've loved to hear about that. It's interesting because I could see that going two ways. If mom took the position of your father's a monster, he hurt us. He broke up the family, which I imagine is likely our friend could have taken that as an invitation to get mad at her father too. Or she might have had the instinct to go the other way and protect him.

Oh, interesting.

[00:42:25] Jordan Harbinger: Because

[00:42:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: again, it's her

[00:42:25] Jordan Harbinger: dad.

[00:42:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's her dad, our man. Our parental figures are powerful, man. Even when they make huge mistakes and sometimes, especially when they make huge mistakes. Our impulse, especially when we're young, is to protect them. To idealize them even because you know, to recognize a parent's flaws, that's very painful.

That would mean being in touch with a number of other feelings that can be extremely hard, especially when you're 12 or 13 years old. Right. Vulnerability, disappointment, inadequacy. Rejection. Rejection. Exactly. Which is why this defense exists, right. To protect us, but then it's very hard to access the anger that is often buried underneath that, especially when you're 13, but even at 44.

[00:43:04] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, right. Totally. I think there's a whole world of feelings about dad that she hasn't quite accessed, although she's already somewhat aware of it, which is an important step because yeah, you're 44 now and maybe you look at that and you go, Ugh, this feels weirdly old. To suddenly be dealing with all these very young feelings.

But I would argue, hey, you're 44 now. You get to be in touch with these very young feelings and with a lot more inner resources than you had at 12 or 13.

[00:43:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: And at 44, you and your father won't pay the same price for those feelings, right? You don't need him in the way that you did when you were a kid. You don't need to protect him in the way you might've done back then.

And that might not make this process easy or fun or pleasant, but I do have a feeling it will make it a lot more doable.

[00:43:45] Jordan Harbinger: Agreed. The cost, so to speak is much lower now. So my hope for you is that you can give yourself permission to feel all these feelings about dad, about stepmom, about half-brother, even about mom, even about yourself.

The more the better. And to stay open to some new narratives here primarily about who's to blame, who deserves your anger, although I just focus on the feelings first, the narrative will take care of itself. You don't need to decide how to feel right now. You just need to feel and process and trust that that's the best way to heal.

You might never get over this, but you don't need to get over it. All you need is the space to experience this wound as an adult and hopefully find a new relationship with these difficult facts. I am sorry that this part of your life continues to be so painful, but the pain is a sign that there's something powerful to resolve here.

Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best you know what won't destroy your family. Gabriel, define products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help with Thanksgiving around the corner. I'm just taking a moment to appreciate the people who make my life a little easier, and that's my podcast team, which who somehow keep the show running smoothly while I'm trekking through the Lauch and Jungle with no Cell service.

This month though, it's not just about thanking the people around us, it's also about thanking ourselves. Life is a constant juggle of responsibilities. We rarely stop to give ourselves even a little credit for trying to keep it all together. Therapy is actually a big part of that. It's not just for people dealing with trauma.

It's for anyone who wants to be better equipped to handle life's challenges, big or small. It's a place to learn coping skills, set boundaries, and get to know yourself just a little bit better. And if you've been thinking about therapy, check out Better Help. It's entirely online. You don't have to worry about fitting it into a busy schedule.

You just fill out a short questionnaire. You get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time without a hassle.

[00:45:32] Jen Harbinger: Let the gratitude flow with Better Help. Visit Better help.com/jordan today to get 10% offer first month. That's better. hlp.com/jordan.

[00:45:40] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Quince with Fall.

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It's a great way to refresh your wardrobe with pieces that feel just as luxe as the high-end brands without the high-end price tag, and I can vouch for that. I love everything that I see her wearing from Quince.

[00:46:34] Jen Harbinger: Upgrade your Wardrobe with pieces Made to last with Quince. Go to quince.com/jordan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

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Someone here to dig up the code for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to feedback Friday. All right, next up.

[00:47:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a college student who recently moved into an off-campus apartment with some friends. This includes one friend Emma, who I love dearly, but I really can't stand her boyfriend, who will call Todd.

He's always seemed creepy to me and rubbed me the wrong way in how he acts around her, especially in public. Lots of calling her pet names and initiating unwarranted PDA, even when others are around. Last semester I had a conversation with Emma about the PDA. To kindly let her know that it's sometimes made others uncomfortable, and more importantly to check in with her.

When I asked her if she felt okay, she suddenly got very quiet and started to tear up. She said that Todd is the one who usually initiates everything and mentioned feeling quote unquote scared. It was unclear whether she meant she was scared of his actions or scared of setting a stronger boundary with him.

[00:48:13] Jordan Harbinger: Oof, that is not a good sign.

[00:48:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: I spent weeks and weeks worrying about her after that, a few weeks later, she shared that Todd had semi proposed to her with a promise ring. This set off alarm bells for me because one, this is the first relationship for both of them. Two, we were college sophomores, and three, she also revealed that she had waited a few days before telling me and our other close friends about this proposal.

I feel like if she was genuinely excited about it, she probably would've texted us immediately. Instead, she seemed a little shocked and hesitant like she was trying to rationalize it. When we asked her how she felt after that, I turned to professional resources at my school to get input on how I could talk to Emma about this and maybe open the door for her to share more.

I always chickened out on the conversation. Something I'm really ashamed of that is until about a week ago, we were home alone together, and I asked her if she was doing okay. I expressed that I was worried for her after our earlier conversation, and that I wanted to just check in as a friend.

[00:49:12] Jordan Harbinger: Excellent.

That is a perfect way to start this conversation. Nicely done.

[00:49:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: She told me that last semester when she and Todd started having sex, he was really forceful with her. She said that every time she would bleed and be in pain to the point that she eventually had to go see a doctor about it, she said that she and Todd have since quote unquote, worked on it and that now it's much better and they communicate.

But her tone of voice didn't really convince me, and I don't think that kind of behavior just goes away. I've also noticed other power imbalances in their relationship. For instance, she is a low income student on scholarship and he has a very wealthy family. They go on elaborate dates and during breaks, he flies her across the country to go back home with him.

He's also taken her on vacations to a family house in Hawaii. This financial dominance along with this potential history of sexual abuse and the ring makes me really worried.

[00:50:04] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I get that. I'm also trying to make room for a couple different possibilities here. Like is this true financial dominance or is this, you know, a wealthy kid who's treating his girlfriend to some nice trips?

'cause those are different things, even if it can get a little blurry sometimes. We also don't know for sure if he was actually sexually abusing her or if he was being, I mean, how do you put this delicately, not a very caring partner. Again, there might be kind of a spectrum here. I. Look, I'm not apologizing for this guy.

He sounds questionable and kind of uncalibrated at least, and Emma's response to him. Yeah, that really does speak volumes and that's the most important data point so far. But I also think it's important to not automatically interpret this stuff through the worst possible lens, you know? Anyway, carry on Gabe.

[00:50:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: But other times she seems to really like him and talks often about wanting to move in with him after college. So I don't know how to feel.

[00:50:53] Jordan Harbinger: Right. There are two people in this relationship and we do have to make room for Emma's autonomy here too.

[00:50:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Good point. So she goes on. Then recently we decided to move to a new apartment in a first floor unit of a different house.

I then found out that a group of our mutual friends are coincidentally gonna be living on the floor above us. I told Emma when I got home and she seemed a little shocked for a second. Apparently Todd had told her some time ago that he had joined this other housing group. She said that she hadn't told Todd the address of our new place, so it might be a coincidence that we're gonna be living in the same house next year.

But she seemed pretty uneasy and I couldn't tell if she was happy or sad about it. What she did seem was nervous and I am too. I'm also unsure why she wouldn't have told him our future address.

[00:51:39] Jordan Harbinger: Again, whether this is coincidence or not, her response says a lot. This is all valuable information and I'm, I'm glad you're tracking it.

[00:51:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's also important to acknowledge that seeing Todd makes me particularly angry these days because I broke up with my boyfriend recently. I've generally been feeling jealous and sensitive about relationship stuff, although my dislike for Todd started way before that, so everything feels worse. What should I do here?

Is there a way I can help my friend set boundaries? Is there a way I can advocate for Todd to find a new housing option? How do I get him out of the house? To what extent should I even be involved and how do I manage my own rage at this situation? I. Signed looking for a fix for this worrisome roommate.

Such, whew.

[00:52:22] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. Well, like I said, this is obviously all concerning and I'm very sorry that you and Emma are going through it, even though there's some ambiguity here. I mean, in, in terms of how bad Todd really is, how intentional this stuff is, whether this guy is truly malicious or just kind of insensitive, her responses to the relationship, the crying saying she's scared, acting nervous, I mean, there's kind of only one conclusion you can draw from that, right?

Which is something's not right here. So first of all, I just wanna say, you are doing so much, right? You're attuned to your friend, you're regularly checking in with her, making space for her to share whatever she wants with you being direct, but also being gentle. You're, you're a great friend. She's lucky to have you in her life, in her apartment.

Uh, the challenge is she has to accept that invitation and open up to you about what's really going on and or ask for help in order for you to do something here. And it sounds to me like she's giving you a little, but not really the full story. She's saying things like, well, he used to be rough with me, but now it's better.

But then she's not really explaining if she feels violated or if she feels like she's in danger. She's going, I'm scared, but she's not saying why she's scared, whether she's actually threatening to her or whether she's just afraid of speaking up. I don't really know. And that's just a really tough spot to be in.

You have half the information, but not all the information, only she does. And so you're left to connect dots and speculate and assume things when she seems worried. And despite what I said earlier, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably be assuming the worst too. So my first piece of advice is keep checking in with Emma.

Make it a regular thing without spooking her too much, if that makes sense. And keep making lots of room for her to be totally honest with you. Make sure she feels safe and protected and opening up to you. Don't judge her choices or push her to a decision too soon. Just listen and show her that she can share as much as she wants with you without getting into trouble somehow.

And look, you might need to draw her out a little more or be more direct Sometimes if she's being a little cagey with you, it's okay to say. You mentioned you were scared. Are you scared because Todd said something that scared you? Or is it just scary to think about telling him what upsets you? You're allowed to ask her.

I couldn't help but notice that you seemed uneasy when you found out Todd was moving in. I couldn't tell if you were happy or sad about it. How are you feeling? If she doesn't really answer your question, you can even tell her. Well, you seemed a little nervous when we last talked. Maybe I'm reading into things though.

Am I understanding you right? Between you and me, do you have any feelings about Todd living in the house? Again, I wouldn't give her the third degree or make her feel like you're pushing her to any one feeling or conclusion. But there's a way to be direct while still being sensitive, and there's a way to elicit the information you need without being disrespectful or seeming like you already know the answer.

Ultimately, Emma's gonna have to decide whether she wants to stay with Todd, redefine the relationship or leave. You can help her do that, of course, and you should, but that decision really has gotta come from her.

[00:55:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: Agreed. And yeah, part of that will almost certainly involve setting boundaries, but what those boundaries should be, whether they're ultimately gonna be enough.

Again, I think that's largely up to Emma. My sense is that she has a hard time taking her own experience seriously, and that she's very afraid of expressing herself and standing up to somebody, especially a partner like this. Those two can go hand in hand sometimes, and they're really hard to overcome without Emma wanting to work on them.

But that could be something else you share with her. You know, when she struggles to open up to you when she says that she's not sure how to push back. You could show her that that might be really daunting for her and you understand why, but it is something she can work on and you're happy to help her do that when she's ready.

[00:56:01] Jordan Harbinger: As for advocating for Todd to find a new housing option, I assume you mean advocate with Emma to ask Todd to find a different place, right? Because you, you probably aren't gonna go to Todd and be like, find a new apartment, bro. As much as you would like to, and I would love to. I would love it if you could pull that off.

But we're back to the main problem, which is that Emma won't stand up to him. Not yet anyway. And she ultimately gets to decide if she wants to live in the same house as her boyfriend, which now that I'm saying it out loud, seems like a terrible, terrible idea. So I'm not really sure you can get 'em outta the house on your own.

This is really up to him and Emma and the two of them together, you're just paying a separate price for that as her roommate, which again is really tough.

[00:56:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, all of this is getting at your other big question, which is to what extent should you even be involved, and that's a little complicated. I think you should be involved to the extent that your Emma's friend and as her friend, you do owe her a certain level of support, and you should try to keep her safe if you can.

If Emma is truly in danger here, which again, bit of a mixed picture, although I share a lot of your concerns, then she deserves a friend who can help her see her situation clearly, who can help her take her own feelings more seriously, who can maybe help her work toward protecting herself better, having these conversations with her boyfriend.

The other reason you can be more involved here is that you are living in this house too. So if Todd makes you personally uncomfortable, if your day-to-Day in the house is gonna be unpleasant because of whatever is playing out between Emma and Todd, you're allowed to give your 2 cents. You're also allowed to just not live there.

That's an option we also have to talk about.

[00:57:32] Jordan Harbinger: Totally. I hate the idea of leaving Emma alone in the house with Todd, but if she's not ready or willing to do anything about it, which again is her choice, then you're also allowed to say, I'm so sorry em, but Todd makes me uncomfortable. Certain aspects of your relationship with and make me uncomfortable.

I wanna support you. I'm here to help you however I can, but I also wanna find a housing situation that feels healthy and safe for me too. My dream is for us to live together without Todd, for both of our benefits. But hey, if that's not possible, then I need to think about finding my own place. Maybe hearing you say that will make her wake up just a little bit.

Maybe it'll make her realize that this Todd situation is affecting her friendships too, the important of the other important relationships in her life, and maybe that'll make her take this more seriously. I'm not saying you should say this as like a tactic or whatever. I'm just saying that that might be one of the side effects

[00:58:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: from

[00:58:22] Jordan Harbinger: this.

[00:58:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: The last thing we have to talk about is how your recent breakup is playing a role in all of this. I really appreciate that you're saying, I'm feeling a little jealous these days. I'm feeling sensitive, so that's in the mix here too. I really do appreciate your self-awareness about that. I also agree with you that your feelings about Todd predated your breakup.

There are some good reasons to not be happy with this guy. So your job is to tease apart your anger toward Todd and your envy these days. You know, to separate out your appropriate protectiveness over Emma from your perhaps mixed feelings about your breakup. It might just be that the volume on your feelings is turned up higher than usual right now.

It's also possible that certain feelings you have about Todd and perhaps about men in general get a little conflated sometimes. But I think, you know, deep down when something is really about something else, and if you're not sure, then I would just make room for different angles on this. You could literally say something to Emma like, look, I don't know if I'm worried about you and angry at Todd, or if I'm just down on love right now because of the breakup, but here are a few things that concern me.

Or you could also say, I'm not sure I'm a hundred percent right to be this concerned, but this thing I heard you say the other day, or that reaction you had the other day, that makes me worried about you living in the same house with Todd. In other words, your many different feelings can exist alongside your interventions and your advice to her.

So when you ask, how do I manage my own rage at the situation, part of me is going, I'm not sure you have to manage your rage because your rage is maybe appropriate to some degree. If this guy really is bad news, it makes sense that you're angry and your anger might actually be useful here. And I agree that there is some work for you to do in really parsing that anger so you can know how much of it should be directed at Todd, how much of it perhaps at Emma, how much at just how stressful this situation is in general, and how much is being informed by this recent breakup that is just making you very sensitive to other people right now.

[01:00:20] Jordan Harbinger: Right? We have to almost become a connoisseur of our anger, right? Of all of our feelings. Mm-Hmm. So we know why they're there. We know what to do with them. So that's our take. Keep being there for Emma, but also keep being there for yourself. If she's not ready to make any big changes in her relationship, you might have to accept that and just deal with the feelings you're left with as a result, at least for a little while.

If she doesn't wanna rock the boat, and that leaves you exposed, then like Gabe said, you're also well within your rights to make a change for yourself, whether it's living somewhere else or being more direct with Emma because you matter too and you're ultimately responsible to yourself. My only caveat is that if you ever learn that Todd is doing something truly dangerous to Emma, like if she literally says that he's assaulting her, or you find out that he's manipulating her more explicitly, or if she's ever in immediate danger, then I would absolutely intervene more strongly.

And there are tons of resources out there for helping somebody leave an abusive relationship. We'll link to a bunch of them in the show notes. I hope you can get through to Emma. I hope she can accept your help and develop the confidence and support she needs to create the healthiest possible relationship.

Sending you both a big hug and wishing you all the best. Gabe, I don't know about you. I feel like I had weird, not maybe like this, but like weird unhealthy relationships in college where like one person was like all needy or the other person and just like you handle everything that kind of the worst possible way.

Right? 'cause you don't know what you're doing.

[01:01:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: You know, while we were talking about the letter, I was thinking, man, they're young.

[01:01:40] Jordan Harbinger: Mm-Hmm.

[01:01:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: And like you said at the beginning, this guy, it's hard to know what to make of him, right? Like, is he just like a 21-year-old guy who's very immature and not attuned to his partner and still learning how to be with people and you know, and is he perhaps a bit wealthy and privileged and not as sensitive to how that comes across to other people?

Or is he actually manipulative and malicious and dangerous? It's kind of hard to say. Yeah, the facts could cut a few different ways. You're right, their age does factor into this and I think she needs to maybe sit with some of those facts and figure out what is in this guy's heart, how much is he really hurting this person?

And how much of this is just kinda like young people figuring out how to be with each other.

[01:02:20] Jordan Harbinger: Man, I hear you there. Alright, now time for the recommendation of the week.

[01:02:24] Clip: I am addicted to it fella.

[01:02:27] Jordan Harbinger: That's never gonna get, well it will get old eventually, but today is not that day. Not yet. My recommendation of the week is an inflatable hot tub.

Now I know this sounds ghetto fabulous and it sure is.

[01:02:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm sorry I'm laughing 'cause in my head it just played. I'm addicted to hot

[01:02:40] Jordan Harbinger: tubs, tubs, especially ones that are inflatable. So I, a few years ago during the pandemic, I really wanted to get a hot tub 'cause I'm always sore from the gym or whatever from walking, but they're expensive, right?

The cheapest crappiest hot tub out there or so I thought is a few thousand dollars. I go online and I bought an inflatable hot tub, an inflatable one. So it's for camping or like rv. They advertise it for all kinds of stuff. Coleman is one of the brands, right? The outdoor company. And that thing was like 300 bucks.

I thought, okay, if I buy this for 300 bucks and I don't use it and I donate it, I'm out 300 bucks instead of like 3000 or 9,000 or whatever for an a fiberglass hot tub. So I get this thing and I fill it up, and I use this thing every day. Now they get disgusting. You gotta put a ton of chemicals in there, blah, blah, blah.

But whatever, this is a trial run. I figured this is a great way to do a dry run on the hot tub if you're not sure you wanna commit. And after a few months, I donated the hot tub to a pet spa. I got a real one, but that's like, you know, pour a concrete slab and shell out a bunch of dough for it. I'll link to the one I like in the show notes, as always, if you use that link, it'll help out the show as well.

I just think these kinds of ideas are really, really good. It's like getting a gym membership before building a gym in your house and then just never using it, right? You gotta have the habit first. So I made sure that I was a hot tub guy, which I apparently am before actually buying a hot tub, and I recommend that everybody who's even on the market for maybe a hot tub do this kind of thing.

You can save yourself a few thousand dollars doing it. Who knows, maybe the inflatables good enough for you. Maybe you just never need to buy a real one. Just make sure you get a green one. 'cause I guarantee you that water's green anyways. I'm addicted to dry rods. Yeah, I'm addicted to the fungus that grows in an inflatable hot tub.

Uh, also in case you didn't know, there's also a subreddit for the show. If you wanna jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes. If there is an episode you like or you hated, you wanna share some thoughts or learn more from other people in the show, fam check it out. It's over on Reddit and the Jordan Harbinger subreddit.

Somebody posted a funny meme today. It's a car screeching off a highway exit and the highway sign says straight ahead is like email, LinkedIn and Business. And to the right, the exit, the car screeching down is feedback Friday. So that was posted today here on Friday in the sub. Right. So that's what you can expect there.

Some intellectual discussion and memes

[01:04:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: and some dank memes that are very hyper-specific.

[01:04:53] Jordan Harbinger: That's right. Hyper-specific dank memes and cool tags that you can give yourself. Like dark Jordan Acolyte,

[01:04:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: spiritual gangster, which is my favorite. Yeah, spiritual gangster. I love our subreddit. I'm having so much fun in there.

[01:05:05] Jordan Harbinger: It's super fun. It's really a lot of fun in the, and hilarious. And people say why we're wrong about stuff on feedback Friday or say, I can't believe this is actually happening and we're kind of, you know, we're here for it. We also can't believe that a lot of these things are actually happening because a lot of them are just flat out, insane.

And you know you come here because when you're done with feedback Friday, you realize that your life's not so bad and we're all on the same page there.

[01:05:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Alright, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, my family and I have a tradition of sending out Christmas cards that are also ornaments. They generally hint at something that went on that year.

In the first year of Covid, for example, we made paper syringes that when you push the plunger would push a paper needle out reading Merry Christmas. That's so creative. Wow. The year I got hearing aids and started tinkering with electronics as a hobby, we soldered Christmas tree working.

[01:05:55] Jordan Harbinger: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did you just say soldered? Soldered? Is that not how you say it? No, that is not how you, well, okay. Wait, what is it? Soldered is how you say it, I think. Oh shit. Okay. But now you have me second

[01:06:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: guessing myself. Now that you're saying it. I have, I have heard that word. This is very embarrassing. I've never said this word out loud before.

That's what I'm wondering. You

[01:06:14] Jordan Harbinger: clearly don't solder much over there in Brentwood.

[01:06:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: Not a pastime of mine. No. Cool. Well, can't wait to get a bunch of emails about this.

[01:06:23] Jordan Harbinger: Well, you're gonna get a bunch of emails

[01:06:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: and a

[01:06:25] Jordan Harbinger: soldering iron in your stocking for

[01:06:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: Christmas. Wow. And I will respond to all of those emails with my delicate virgin hands.

So back to the letter. The year I got hearing aids and started tinkering with electronics as a hobby. We saw dirt Christmas tree looking circuit boards with LEDs powered by a hearing aid battery. This is so creative. This guy is so creative. Can you put us on your list? Yeah, I wanna be on this dude. Yeah, please put us on your list.

This stuff is awesome. These are the cards that you don't throw away. You put them out 'cause there are pieces.

[01:06:55] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, you keep 'em for the next 20 years and people are like, where did you get that? Oh, my friend sent it to me. The I. These are awesome. This guy's awesome.

[01:07:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: The year all of our kids had left home.

We mailed empty nests, made of pine needles from our backyard. Man, that is so cool.

[01:07:09] Jordan Harbinger: That's cute as hell. The empty nests are cute as hell. Not Gabe's delicate virgin hands. I'm sure. I'm sure those are cute as hell too. They are for the record. Mm-Hmm. But yeah, so creative. This takes talent. It really does take skill.

And I wonder what the card is this year. Maybe it's a mail-in ballot where the presidential candidates are all three of the wise men.

[01:07:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: Nice. Or like a a, what else happened this year? A Boeing airplane with the emergency exit door hanging off. And instead of like lift here it says, deck the halls. Yeah, that would be my

[01:07:37] Jordan Harbinger: vote.

I love that one. I love the Boeing door hanging off, dangling. Or maybe you take the door off. Or a wing just comes off. I don't even know what the problem is with those planes and I'd rather not think about it. Give it all the travel I have booked. That one might be tough. I don't know if those planes would survive the journey.

Uh, neither does Boeing, but that Okay. Oh, Gabe with the jokes

[01:07:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: today. Alright, let's move on.

[01:07:56] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah,

[01:07:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: so he goes on, I started this tradition around 40 years ago. Family and friends say they look forward to them every year, and it's something to yuck about.

[01:08:06] Jordan Harbinger: Did he really say yuck about,

[01:08:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: he said, yuck about, love it.

I just got such an image of this guy like working on these cool cards. It's just something to yuck about, you know? It's just something to yuck about.

[01:08:15] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.

[01:08:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: My conundrum is with those close coworkers and not so close relatives who never, ever respond.

[01:08:23] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's a bummer.

[01:08:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: All that time invested. Now I'm a bit in my head about purging the list.

Some of the people I'm inclined to ask after decades would surely be offended, but I feel dumb continuing to send time consuming somewhat personal expressions into the void. But asking for an acknowledgement would be begging for an attaboy.

[01:08:42] Jordan Harbinger: Hmm.

[01:08:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: Also, I've worked remotely for more than 15 years and have close to zero other personal touchpoints with coworkers.

So these cards are potentially helpful.

[01:08:50] Jordan Harbinger: Right. You don't wanna be the guy like, did you get my Christmas card this year? Oh, you did? Okay. But like, did you get it? Did you

[01:08:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: get it? Because the doors on Boeing planes, they, they fly off. You see what I did there? You see? Oh yeah. Not a great look. No. What is your opinion on sending Christmas cards or just family letters that require some effort to people who never reply?

Have holiday cards become unprofessional and is sending cards passe as a networking strategy signed, thinking of ending this tradition of sending Christmas greetings to those whose responses are still pending. And shout out to this listener for coming up with that sign off. He, he's coming up with a lot.

[01:09:26] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, this guy's super creative. I love how he said if a holiday cards become unprofessional, clearly this man is a professional at holiday cards of the highest order. You can't even buy a card like this online. Look, this guy is super creative. He's very sweet. Clearly, I love that he puts this much thought into this tradition.

It just says a lot about him. I totally understand why this rubs him the wrong way. If I spent several days coming up with a brilliant Christmas card and spent a bunch of money having them made and sent out, I'd be a little bit hurt and, and kind of pissed off too. He should be getting such mad props for these cards.

An email saying, amazing card this year. A ten second text something, somebody putting it on their tree. A little video. I mean, come on folks. First off, no holiday cards have not become unprofessional. They're also not passe as a networking strategy, although I guess they're not as necessary as they were before, only because we have so many other ways of staying connected with people now.

But I would argue that because we have so many other ways of staying in touch ways that are a lot more synthetic and corporatized, like social media, Christmas cards, like the ones you make actually mean even more now, anything that's personalized and thoughtful and high touch like this, it makes an even bigger impact in a world where people don't do this kind of thing very often, or it should anyway.

But obviously not everyone is responding in the way you hope. So I totally get why you're thinking of calling your list. So my thoughts on this are, well first of all, I have a strong feeling that a lot more people than you realize probably love your cards and they're just not telling you, and that doesn't make it okay.

I actually think that's super lame and disappointing that they're just like, oh my God, this is amazing. Should we say something? Nah, that would require the slightest effort on our part. Let's not do that. I also think it's worth remembering that just because you don't hear from some of these folks, it doesn't mean they aren't smiling when they open your card and going, man, Ted is adorable.

I love that he sends this to us every year and then either because they don't have great manners or because they're busy and distracted and disorganized, they don't reach out to tell you. They just enjoy it privately and they think that's enough.

[01:11:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: I think that's probably what's going on. It can be really hard for people to remember how much thought and care goes into creating something super original like this, unfortunately.

[01:11:31] Jordan Harbinger: Right, exactly. Especially these people, they're not artists, right? They're not sending out the most epic Christmas cards ever. They can't put themselves in this guy's shoes and go, I. I bet it would mean a lot to Ted to hear how much we enjoy these cards. They just, it's not even on their radar at all.

[01:11:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Which again, sucks

[01:11:45] Jordan Harbinger: for him, which objectively sucks. But that's different from, we don't appreciate your cards and we wouldn't care if you took us off your list. That that's further down the the line.

[01:11:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. But I do understand the impulse to do that. He doesn't want to feel unappreciated every year and he doesn't probably wanna spend so much time and energy and perhaps money on cards for people who don't give him the same kindness.

[01:12:04] Jordan Harbinger: I agree. But that's why he's fully allowed to take people off of this list. And my take there is just that maybe you only call the people who you don't have much of a relationship with anyway. You don't see that changing. People who are kind of on the fringes of your network. Folks you don't really mind if you weren't in touch with as often, you know, I might not remove your great-aunt who doesn't reply, even if that's disappointing because there's still value in letting her know that you care.

But I might cut that guy you worked with on Zoom for a few years ago who was never that cool with you in the first place and was kind of like an obligatory ad. 'cause he was on the team for some project. There might be some responsible acting of names. That doesn't mean losing the touchpoint with people who could potentially be useful or interesting to stay connected with.

[01:12:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: I really feel for this guy, I know what it's like to feel kind of dumb for putting in the time to do something meaningful and just never hearing back. I remember when I made my short film last year, I had this incredible team around me and lots and lots of other people on the crew, and I gave everybody wrap gifts and I handwrote these detailed thank you cards and it took a a while, hours probably in total.

And then I called like every single crew member on the call sheet to say thank you. And if they didn't pick up I, I sent them a text or a voice note because I wanted them to know, you know, like, this meant a lot to me that you shared your time and your talent with me on a budget and you brought these specific things to the project and I'm so grateful.

And maybe a third of the people responded, if I recall correctly, and it kind of hurt. It was kind of a bummer. Yeah. But the people who took 60 seconds to hit me back in some form, whether it was a text or an email or phone call, in a lot of cases, it was kind of the people I thought would do that because I already could tell that they were awesome and we got along really well.

In a few cases though, it was people who surprised me and I'm still connected to those people because they responded. And then there were a bunch of people who never responded. And whether they intended it or not, that was kind of good to know, like, okay, this experience maybe didn't mean as much to you as it did to me, or maybe you just don't wanna put in as much effort as I do.

And yeah, that stings a little bit, but I guess ultimately it's okay. Like good for me to know.

[01:14:00] Jordan Harbinger: Right. And that can be clarifying because it tells you where to spend your time and who's really on your team.

[01:14:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, for sure. But it's interesting. It's not like I look back at that and I wish I didn't spend those hours writing those cards and sending those voice notes, especially to the core team.

It was essential because first of all, I did that, partly for me, I did not feel right not telling people what they meant to me and saying thank you, especially on something as big as like my first film, which is a big moment. But also people can surprise you, right? The person who unexpectedly responds. It kind of makes it all worthwhile.

And then you have a relationship you would never have had if you didn't take the time to send paper syringes and empty nests to everybody.

[01:14:38] Jordan Harbinger: Right. And, and like I said, maybe everybody privately appreciated those gifts and cards and texts you sent and just because they didn't respond, it just, it doesn't mean they didn't land with them.

[01:14:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. It doesn't mean they're not yucking about it. Yeah. So I guess my question for our friend here is how much are you sending these cards for you and how much are you sending it for them? I think it's for both, but yeah. You know, there's something in this for you too, to know you are the guy who does this and also do these cards still make you feel good?

Do they make you feel like you're doing your part in maintaining certain relationships? Even if you don't always hear back and given what Jordan said a moment ago, can you make room for the idea that people appreciate what you put out into the world? Even if they don't always know how to express that to you.

[01:15:16] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. I also think you might be able to check in with some of these people who don't respond without semen thirsty. If you wanted to. He could just ask a few of them, Hey, I'm wondering if I should stop doing my Christmas card. I can't tell how much they mean to people. I just wanted to see if you still enjoy getting them.

You can ask a question like that without sounding like you're thirsty for an attaboy. I kind of doubt anyone's gonna be like, nah, I don't. I could live without it. Thanks. But if you ask some people who are closer to you and you tell them that they will not hurt your feelings if they say, no thanks, you might get an honest answer.

And you might also subtly suggest to them that they're being kind of thoughtless, but not taking 10 freaking seconds to say thank you, although I'm not sure that's something you actually wanna do. And I get it. That's totally up to you. For what it's worth though. I love what you are doing. I think it's super funny.

Same. I love that you put so much thoughts into your relationships, especially because you work remotely. That's very smart. I personally really appreciate it when people send me Christmas cards, although I'm gonna be honest, I might sometimes be the a-hole who doesn't respond, but come on, man. Sometimes you're just sending me like a photograph of people I don't know and you know, whatever.

Nobody sends me a literal nest. They're just blurry home printed photos, like I said, and you know, that's not that impressive. Aunt Candace, step it up if you want. Thank you. Text from me and Jen. We got crap we gotta do. But really, you sound like an awesome person with a lot of heart and creativity and whatever you do with your list, don't lose those qualities.

They're superpowers. They really are. Go back and check out Michael arn, our Skeptical Sunday on wine fraud. If you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network. That's the circle of people that I know, like, and trust. I'm teaching you how to do the same thing for yourself in our six minute networking course.

That course is free. It is not gross. It's not schmoozy. You can find it on the Thinkific platform@sixminutenetworking.com. These drills, they take a few minutes a day. Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks, build relationships before you need them. You can find it all@sixminutenetworking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers discounts, ways to support this show, all at Jordan harbinger.com/deals.

I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with us on LinkedIn Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi, or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogerty, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi.

Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. You are about to hear a preview of my previous interview with General Spalding recorded a few years back.

[01:17:55] Clip: Underneath everything that's going on in our peacetime environment. Our democracy is being undermined at nearly every connection with the Chinese Communist Party, the techniques that they use and the strategies they use to acquire technology are so diverse and so widespread.

The entire economy is driven by the Communist Party, and they can force entire industries to do exactly what they say. What you're seeing is the actual execution of a document called unrestricted warfare, and it was written by two PLA colonels back in 1999. I read it when it came out. It didn't pertain to the way at the time I thought about warfare.

You used military forces to take territory. This was pervasive across the society in such a way that you could see the elements of an airstrike using bongs, except you were using ones and zeros and dollars and cents data in finance to essentially. Displace the United States on the world stage and force us to submit.

You think? Wow. This is 1984. This is a science fiction movie. It can't be real. A country can't actually be doing this yet. There it is.

[01:19:03] Jordan Harbinger: This was all so surprising to me how deep this all goes. We are actually financing the construction of the Chinese military, the government, all of their cities, their whole country that they are now using to try to control the behavior of the rest of the world.

It's just outright insane to hear more about how the Chinese Communist Party has quietly been at war with the United States and the West for years. Check out episode 2 68 of the Jordan Harbinger Show.