Your best friend speaks glowingly about her fiancé, but she lives far away and your recent communications have only taken place by text and telephone. The thing is, this fiancé seems to be ever-present and listening in the background whenever she’s in contact, and she let it slip that he’s fantasized about seeing her lick from a dog’s dish. You’re worried he might be controlling every aspect of her life, but she doesn’t seem to be distressed. Could what you perceive to be tyrannical oversight just be part of a consensual power dynamic they’ve established in their relationship? We’ll try to find answers to this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Why are height and salary correlated? [Thanks to Scott Galloway for this one!]
- Is your best friend really being controlled by a domineering fiancé, or is this just a consensually kinky aspect of their relationship?
- Your ex-husband swapped out libido-killing medication (that treated his anxiety and depression, but contributed to your divorce) for cannabis and junk food. This seems to leave him with a loss of appetite, but how can you find reliable information to confirm what’s really going on and help him out of his funk?
- Should you file an ethics complaint against your neighbor who’s trying to sabotage your home sale — after refusing your initial, generous offer to sell to them first? [Once again, thanks to Corbin Payne for helping us with this one!]
- How do you know when it’s time to stop negotiating and accept the terms of a job offer without feeling like you’ve left some unknown variable on the table?
- You now make even more money in 10 hours or less per week than you did in 70 hours working for someone else. But how can you dispel the anxiety and guilt you feel because your supportive partner is still grinding out 60-hour workweeks?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Please Scroll Down for Featured Resources and Transcript!
- BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/jordan
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- Firstleaf: Get free shipping at firstleaf.club/jordan
- Chilisleep: Get 25% off chiliPAD or 15% off OOLER
- Progressive: Get a free online quote at progressive.com
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Miss the show we did with Vince Beiser — author of The World in a Grain: The Story of Sand and How It Transformed Civilization? Make sure to check out episode 97: Vince Beiser | Why Sand Is More Important Than You Think It Is!
Resources from This Episode:
- T-Pain | You Can’t Auto-Tune Your Way to Happiness | Jordan Harbinger
- Will Storr | Understanding Social Position and the Status Game | Jordan Harbinger
- How to Find a Great Business Partner (And Avoid a Bad One) | Jordan Harbinger
- Scott Galloway | From Crisis to Opportunity Post Corona | Jordan Harbinger
- 8 Signs Your Friend Is in a Toxic Relationship & How to Talk to Them about It | Bustle
- Marijuana Flips Appetite Switch in Brain | Nature
- How to Stop That Unruly Neighbor From Ruining Your Sale | The New York Times
- Neighbors Who Sabotage a Home Sale | Simeone & Miller
- Corbin Payne | Twitter
- Fundamental Attribution Error | Ethics Unwrapped
553: Is Friend’s Fiancé Despotic or Simply Erotic? | Feedback Friday
[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with my Feedback Friday producer, the Jerry to my Ben, the Dazs to my Häagen. Is it Dash or Dazs, my co-confectioner in consultation, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people. And we turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.
[00:00:38] Now, if you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you. We answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of absolutely amazing guests from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers.
[00:00:52] This week, we had T-Pain, T-pain. And it was hilarious. He also explained how he managed to spend $90 million and go totally broke, which by the way, not easy to do $90 million, and then make it all back. He made it all back, supposedly. I mean, I didn't check his bank books, but you know, he seems to be doing all right. We also had Will Storr on status and the human need for status. This conversation touched on evolutionary psychology, social psychology, social dynamics, a great mix for the show, I'd say.
[00:01:21] If you're joining us for the first time, or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show. We now have episode starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes, organized by popular topic. That'll help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show. So just visit jordanharbinger.com/start to get started.
[00:01:38] I also write every so often now and again on the blog, the latest post, how to find the right business partner. Now, it's kind of funny that I'm, maybe, not qualified to write this because I've had so many bad business partners, but I've also been kind of a sh*tty one to be fair. Some of it's me, right? At least I would assume so. This one, this article is going to be gold for anyone looking for a new partner, a teammate, a collaborator, whether it's for a startup or a side hustle or even inside an established company. We talk about the red flags to avoid in prospective partners, how those qualities play out in a business relationship. And of course, which green flags to take seriously as well. All based on my experience in various businesses over the years.
[00:02:19] I also interviewed a few of my entrepreneur buddies who are highly successful. Many of them way, like league's exponentially more successful than myself, of their wisdom about what makes a great partnership work. Tons of good stuff in this one, I even learned a few new things myself. You'll find that and all of our articles at jordanharbinger.com/articles. So make sure you've had a look and listen to everything we created for you here this week.
[00:02:43] Now, there's something I noticed, Gabriel, that was interesting. And Scott Galloway talked about this on the program. Height and salary are correlated. I think many of us have heard that before, but it's not because people are rushing to hire or promote taller people because of their commanding presence or something like that. I originally thought, "Oh, you know, taller people get promoted or they do whatever." No, it's actually height at age 16. That's what matters. And this is really interesting height at age 16 or so thereabouts. That determines your social status. Speaking of Will Storr and status. That determines your social status when status becomes important. I mean, there's status games at elementary school and middle school to a degree, but they're very sort of, well, they're childish and they're juvenile and they've remained such generally. When you are 18 or 16, that's the model you take with you through life. And it influences a hell of a lot, including salary and economic success. It also changes how you behave, what status you find yourself in what status you accept for yourself. So if you've got kids, build confidence in them early, not arrogance, confidence, it matters later down the line, or, you know, like stretch them out and make them taller, that works too. More from Scott Galloway in episode 473 of The Jordan Harbinger Show, by the way. And you can always go to any show by going to jordanharbinger.com/ and then the number of the show. So jordanharbinger.com/473 will take you right there.
[00:04:05] All right. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
[00:04:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe, my best friend lives in another state. We communicate through voice messages and I have noticed that she only talks to me when she isn't around her fiance of two years. Even if I send a text message, she tends not to respond until she is alone. I get that people are busy, but even when I had a family member pass away this year and let her know via text, she read the text and didn't get back to me for a couple of days. She speaks very highly of her fiance. And he's seemingly a nice outgoing guy. I've heard her say things like, "I'm going to send this real fast while he's outside," or "Hold on, I think he's listening in the other room." She doesn't seem scared of him, but she rarely, if ever talks about their relationship. Once she told me that he has a fantasy of having her lick from a dog bowl.
[00:04:53] Jordan Harbinger: Okay.
[00:04:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: My friend is a passive person who perhaps is just really private, but I wonder if her fiance is behind the scenes controlling. I want to let her know that I'm always here for her and check in and make sure that we are all good, but I'm not sure if he goes through her phone. I know if I called her to talk to her, she wouldn't answer. So I'm really not sure how to check in on her. What would you do? Signed, Tangled in a Tense Triangle.
[00:05:16] Jordan Harbinger: All right. This is definitely kind of sus, well, maybe it is anyway. It's hard to say what's really going on here. This guy might be controlling your friend behind the scenes, listening in on her phone calls, watching her every move. It would definitely explain some of her behavior. But it could also be that your friend is just a very private, almost awkwardly private person. And I think we all know some of those, right? She hasn't learned how to be open about other parts of her life, maybe in front of her fiance. She wants to keep that stuff sequestered from him, especially her friendship with you, which is like not a great scenario either, by the way. That might speak to other issues in their relationship, but yeah, there's, there's no way to know for sure. No one really knows what's going on inside a relationship other than the people inside that relationship. And there isn't much you can do to change that if your friend isn't willing to talk about it or ready to talk about it, but that doesn't mean you can't be there for her, which is the most important thing, arguably.
[00:06:08] I would keep checking in on her, maintain your connection, keep a line of communication open. We've talked about this before with people who are like in cults or abused, right? You don't want to be like, "Fine. I'm never talking with you anymore." Because then they have nowhere to go. But then the next time you're talking on the phone and you know, she's alone, I would tell her, "Hey, listen, I love you a lot. You're my best friend. I don't mean to overstep. I just want to make sure you're okay. I noticed sometimes you can't really talk when Jason's around and you take a while to respond to my texts. And I just want to ask if everything is cool, because I'm a little concerned and I want to make sure that you're okay because you know, you're my bestie," or whatever, something like that. Keep it open-ended at first. Tell her you're there for her no matter what, make it safe for her to open.
[00:06:49] If she engages with you, listen, try to understand whatever it is she's going through. And then slowly work up to the question you really want to ask, which is whether this guy is actually eavesdropping or controlling what she does. Maybe you'll find out that he is, in which case this is going to be a much longer conversation with your friend, about whether this is the kind of relationship she wants to be in, how she ended up in it, how she's reinforcing that dynamic by playing along with her fiance's controlling behavior, all that. You know, that's going to take a while to unpack, or at least it probably will if your friend is even willing to go there in the first place. Or maybe you find out he's not this controlling monster and your friend is just being overly private, overly paranoid, maybe insecure in the relationship for some other reason, and just talk around him.
[00:07:34] And then you can rest assured that she's not under this guy's thumb, but then it's a conversation about why she feels like she can't talk around him or why she doesn't respond to your important texts when you guys are supposed to be best friends, and maybe you play that BFF card as kind of a way to draw her out. Like, "I consider you my best friend. We're super close, but when my aunt died this year and you didn't hit me back for four days, that kind of hurt. I'm guessing, you know, I'm just wondering why you're not responding to something important in a timely way. Am I missing something?" That kind of thing. So less accusatory and more kind of like, "Hey, you know, fill me in."
[00:08:08] Whatever she says, I would approach your friend with curiosity and compassion. That's really the most you can do. You can't control what she does or how she's willing to engage around the topic of her fiance. But you can check in on her, let her know you're available to talk whenever she needs. And you might have to tolerate the discomfort of getting an unsatisfying response for her, or just like having her sweep this under the rug and getting no response at all. I know that's frustrating and maybe pretty worrisome, but this is her life and you have to let her live it.
[00:08:35] Gabe, I don't know, something definitely feels off here. Maybe I just can't put my finger on it.
[00:08:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh, definitely. Whether it's the more alarming scenario or the less concerning one, I'm not sure, like you said, no way to really tell, for sure, but there's definitely something going on. And Jordan, I even wonder if maybe, maybe she feels — I mean, look, I'm speculating here, but I wonder if her friend feels like she is so close to the woman who wrote in that she's maybe trying to protect her fiance from that feeling like maybe she gets a little competitive or he feels like she can't be close with two people and she doesn't even want to go near that. Not healthy, not that much better than him actually controlling her, but it would explain a lot of what she's doing.
[00:09:11] What I'm curious about is what the topics of conversation are. Like when your friend says she can't talk because her fiance might be listening, is she talking about him or she's just, I don't know, talking about her day or her boss or whatever it is? I understand wanting to have some privacy. If she feels like venting to you about a fight she had with her fiance, for example, we all need some one-on-one BFF time. I get it. But if your friend feels like she has to make her fiance feel like she only belongs to him, that's a very different story.
[00:09:39] Although you did say that she rarely, if ever talks about their relationship. So it sounds to me like she's maybe hiding from him in general. And yeah, I would say that's a little concerning. Not your problem, but concerning. And that's something I would definitely try to get her to talk about if she's willing to.
[00:09:53] The dog bowl thing though. That's interesting. I'm not quite sure what to make of that.
[00:09:58] Jordan Harbinger: So look, that also it was setting off some alarm bells in the context of her friend's behavior, but only really in that context, right? There's an element seemingly of humiliation and control to that fantasy. That could fit with a controlling partner or he could just be a Kinky little Minx letting his freak flag fly. We don't know.
[00:10:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right, exactly. It could, for sure, be either of those things. It could be totally innocent. Like you're saying, especially if her friend is the one who's being paranoid and her fiance doesn't really care whom she talks to. Then it's yeah, it's completely unrelated, but you're right in this context, assuming that there's something going on here where both of them might be creating this situation. The dog bowl thing, not a crime, not outright abuse on its own or anything like that, but it might speak to an underlying dynamic between the two of them. Again, though, it's her choice. There's nothing wrong with that if she actually wants to do it.
[00:10:49] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Plus we only know like that particular detail, because he might've said like, "I want you to drink from a dog bowl while like, you know, whipping me with something," and it's like, "Okay, well, now who's the dom and who's the sub?" It's complex now.
[00:11:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Very confusing.
[00:11:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yes. It's also confusing. Right, even that detail, like you said, it's not really this person's business. It's her friend's relationship. She can be there for her. She can invite her to talk about it and support her, but she can't really expect to change her behavior on her own.
[00:11:15] So I'd encourage your friend to tell you what's really going on and then decide how strongly to intervene from there, knowing that there's just only so much you can do. If she's in trouble, I hope you can help her. But if she isn't, I hope y'all can stay friends, but if she continues to pull up. That might be a sign that your relationship is changing, which sucks. Right? I totally understand that it does happen, especially with big life changes and other relationships. I wouldn't give up on her or anything, but I would acknowledge the signals that she's sending you and just make sure that y'all are still on the same page about the terms of your own friendship. Good luck.
[00:11:47] By the way, you can reach us email@example.com. Please keep your emails concise, descriptive subject line, that makes our job a lot easier. Include the state and country that you live in. We can give you more detailed advice. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you need a new perspective on something that has to do with life, love, work. How to deal with your anger after putting up with your parents' abuse for years, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up firstname.lastname@example.org. We're here to help. We keep everyone anonymous.
[00:12:16] All right, what's next?
[00:12:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe, my ex-husband has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past. He stopped his antidepressants six years ago after increasing the dosage to the point where it wasn't working that well and interfered with his libido. This contributed to our divorce. Since the legalization of cannabis, he started using it and increasing quantities. He can't get through a day now without smoking his oil pens. He says he has absolutely no appetite if he doesn't smoke. In addition, he gets attacks of nausea so bad, that he has to take a prescription for it. From my observation, the loss of appetite started around the time he switched to the oil pen and increased his usage. He also takes CBD with THC capsules for back pain on a regular basis. I recently went with him to the grocery store. His cart was filled with three boxes of popsicles, eight large Hershey chocolate bars, two Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes, two boxes of hostess cupcakes, two boxes of Hot Tamales, five TV dinners. He says that when he can't eat, he forces himself to get calories from sugar. I've searched the Internet, but there's very little discussion about severe loss of appetite and cannabis usage. His doctor has dismissed him saying, "Get used to it," but I'm very worried about him. I know you guys might not be able to give medical advice, but how do I find reliable information and help with this condition and how do I support him through it? Additionally, how can we wean him off of cannabis use if that really is the problem when it's one of the only things that has helped him with his mental health? Signed, Saving the Man I'm No Longer Dating from This Frustrating Self-Medicating.
[00:13:50] Jordan Harbinger: You're right. We can't give medical advice. We're definitely not qualified to do that, but I can share some general thoughts here. First of all, you're not wrong to be concerned about your ex-husband. It sounds like he's wrestling with a lot of issues, both physical and mental, and he's struggling to find a treatment that works, which I have a lot of sympathy for that, honestly. He swapped his meds for cannabis. Maybe that's helped. Maybe it's created new problems, hard to say. Although I got to say, I doubt that smoking weed all day is an effective substitute for medication if you have a true mood or anxiety disorder that has been medicated in the past. Again, I'm not a doctor, but anxiety disorders in particular, they often cause changes in appetite and they can also cause nausea. So as far as we all know, your ex-husband is suffering from anxiety. He was diagnosed as such, which might be causing the loss of appetite and nausea, which he has to take another prescription to deal with. And then he's just smoking more weed. Which who knows? That might be exacerbating the anxiety. And then he's coping with junk food, which when really, he might just need to be properly medicated and, or treated in other ways.
[00:14:52] The food thing that was especially concerning. You know, he might be working around the nausea, but all those sweets sound like, it sounds like what you'd want, if you had the munchies from smoking too much weed, honestly.
[00:15:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally.
[00:15:03] Jordan Harbinger: Right. I mean, come on. Saying that he forces himself to get calories from sugar when he can't eat. I don't want to be like, that's not what you're really doing, but I don't really get that. Can't he just force himself to eat healthier food? If you want calories, eat some like paleo or — what does that mean? Ketogenic foods. Don't eat a box of Twinkies. You know, he's not doing himself any favors here. All of that sugar is definitely wreaking havoc on his body, blood sugar, et cetera. So he's going through a lot right now. It's probably very hard for him to manage and more relevantly. It's going to be very hard for you to manage on your own. So if I were. I would help your husband see that he needs to take better care of himself as if that hasn't occurred to you before. I'm sure that happened before you guys got divorced, but you know, you can point out what you're noticing about the food and the cannabis and the symptoms and tell him that it's not healthy. It's not sustainable.
[00:15:53] If you're willing to, help him find a new doctor who can look at his symptoms holistically. Not just writing prescriptions for one or two of them, but really considering the whole picture and help him figure out what's going on. Don't settle for a doctor who tells him to just get used to it. What kind of lazy ass indifferent ass doctor says, something like that. Honestly, that pisses me off that that even happened to you and to him. There's got to be someone out there who can help. Ideally a doctor who understands cannabis, how it works, what it can and cannot do, and isn't just going to brush off y'all's concerns.
[00:16:26] Then I would encourage your ex to get a lot more proactive about taking care of himself, not just self-medicating his symptoms, which is kind of what it sounds like. This means finding the right medication for his anxiety and depression, if he needs it, but also changing his behaviors, go into therapy, eating well, exercising, socializing, all of that. That all is helpful. Sure cannabis can help with certain problems. I'm not an anti weed guy at all, kind of the other way around, but usually it helps more mild or superficial issues. It can also turn you into a damn zombie who sits on the couch and watches Discovery Channel all night while you go to town on a box of Pepperidge Farm, right? I mean, come on. You're not working your issues that way. You're just numbing. And that's only going to make things worse.
[00:17:08] So rather than nag your ex-husband to change, I would help them see the problem more clearly and empower him to seek out the resources that he needs. Finding a good primary care physician and a good therapist is going to be a good first step. Maybe you find some names, help them get there. Maybe you encourage them to keep going, get them back on track, give them some encouragement, show them a way forward. But honestly, after that, this is his journey. Bluntly, you're not his wife anymore, you're his ex-wife. It's very sweet that you're still looking after him. He's lucky to have you as a friend but like you said, this is part of the reason you all split up. Ultimately, his well being is his responsibility, not yours. And I don't mean to sound callous. You can guide, you can help, you can support, but don't you can't make him do anything. And you shouldn't just like the friend from the previous question. That might be infuriating and sad and hard to accept sometimes. It's so hard to watch people you love struggle, but it's key. You've got your own life to lead. Make sure you're taking good care of yourself too. I hope your ex-husband gets better and I'm sending you both good thoughts.
[00:18:12] It seems hard, Gabe. Nobody happy eats like that. That's like—
[00:18:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:18:16] Jordan Harbinger: You know, that was my major thing. And it's not like we needed that as the final clue in the puzzle. If he's got depression and anxiety, but I know plenty of people that suffer from those things and they work out and they do yoga and they go to their doctor and they go to their therapist and they're, they're managing quite well. This guy, when your diet is like that, you've kind of just said, "F*ck it," and giving up in my opinion.
[00:18:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. Coping, masking, numbing, or—
[00:18:39] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:18:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: —just dealing with them. Yeah. There's something deeper going on. He needs to get to that.
[00:18:43] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly.
[00:18:44] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.
[00:18:51] This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help online therapy. Are you worried that if you see a therapist, it means you're crazy, you're weak or a failure? Are you worried about what others might think if they find out you see a therapist? Unfortunately, the stigma of therapy, including myself for a really long time, it causes a lot of people to decide not to pursue counseling despite experiencing significant emotional, physical, mental distress. Not worth it, folks. Look, work-related stuff, financial, health issues, family, parent-child conflict, the ending of a romantic relationship, a marriage, a divorce, all that stuff can drive you a little bit nuts. So if you're going through one or more of these challenges at the same time, you're not alone. Better Help will assess your needs. It matches you with a licensed professional, so you can start communicating in under 48 hours. Do your weekly video phone or even live chat sessions, the services available for clients worldwide. And it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available.
[00:19:42] Jen Harbinger: And our listeners get 10 percent off your first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com/jordan. Visit better-H-E-L-P.com/jordan and join over a million people who've taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced Better Help professional.
[00:19:58] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Purple Mattress. Doesn't it seem like the world's against us from getting a good night's sleep this time of year. Record temperatures all around the world, including apparently my bedroom, but when you have a Purple Mattress, you can sleep cool and comfortable, no matter what the world throws at you. That's because the Purple Mattress has the grid. It's a unique ventilated design that allows air to flow through help you sleep cool. So every side of the pillow is the coolest side of the pillow, even when it feels like a thousand degrees out, like it's been these past few. Unlike memory foam which unfortunately remembers everything, the grid bounces back as you move and shift. So you never get that I'm stuck feeling you get with memory foam and every night I rest my head and the Purple Harmony Pillow also has the grid. No need to fluff. It cradles my delicate ears and it's also ultra comfortable.
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[00:21:01] Jordan Harbinger: And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:21:06] All right. Next up.
[00:21:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi Jordan and Gabe, my two brothers and I inherited a house when my aunt died last year. We were going to sell it to her neighbor, but we didn't have a clear title to the house so we can do it. We finally got the title clear earlier this year. We offered it again to the neighbor, but the situation had changed and he couldn't buy it anymore. So logically, we put the house on the market for almost a hundred thousand dollars more than we initially offered it to him. Since then he has done everything in his power to sabotage our sale, usually by buttonholing prospective buyers and providing them with a litany of problems with the house. I can't exactly understand his motive, given that he's the one who rejected our offer. Right now, we're on buyer number five, and he's doing his damnedest to sabotage this one too. I live about two and a half hours away and my brothers are out of state. So it's not like we can camp out and shoo him away every time he approaches one of our buyers. I really don't want to go through the hassle of suing this guy. Though, I have been documenting everything I can. On the other hand, he does work for a large corporation that has a strict ethics policy. I'm thinking of filing an ethics complaint against him in an effort to get him to shut up long enough for us to get a sale through. I'm a believer in what goes around, comes around. So I'm really hesitant about putting that energy out into the world, but I'm desperate at this point. As an added bonus, his wife works for the Department of Justice in our state and is also running for local office. So I could really open up a can of worms here that could blow back on me since I live in the same state. I have everything. I need to pull the trigger on this, but I'm hesitating. What would you do? Signed, Going to War With the A-Hole Next Door.
[00:22:39] Jordan Harbinger: Man, this has all sorts of ugly. If a neighbor did this to me, I'd be frigging furious. I get your anger. And I also appreciate that you don't want to contribute to the dysfunction by retaliating and just causing all kinds of drama. You are clearly the bigger person here, but sometimes bullies and nuisances need to be put in their place. So how do you do? As we often do, we consulted with Corbin Payne, defense attorney in front of the show because, of course, you know, I want to make sure I'm not overstepping any bounds here. Corbin is not a real estate attorney, but he is kind of a guru in handling tough situations in general, so we wanted to get his take on this.
[00:23:11] First of all, I'm really glad that you're documenting everything. That's crucial. No matter what you do. Approaching his company is a clever idea but I wonder if their ethics policy would cover an external situation like this. And even if it does, I wonder if it's enforceable in any real way. His company might just shrug and say, "Sorry, this has nothing to do with us." Although maybe they'd have a chat with him about it and that would maybe put them in check just long enough for you to sell the house.
[00:23:37] In terms of the Department of Justice official pursuing a vendetta against you guys, Corbin thinks it's not completely outside the realm of possibility, but it's unlikely. Public officials, they tend to have a lot more power where they live as opposed to far away. And Corbin said, he might be worried that if you were living in the same town, they could do something, but he's a lot less concerned about somebody three hours away. Also, that would be pretty far beyond the pale for her to abuse her power like that. It's not impossible, but what are they going to do? Sick the Sheriff's department on you three hours away, because you told her husband to stop being an assh*le and interfering with your home sale. I mean, that's pretty unlikely in the United States, right? We have some corruption and we have some of that stuff, but like this isn't a small town, sons of anarchy, bikers in cahoots with a local sheriff, right? This is like, it's a normal sort of civilized place.
[00:24:25] So Corbin's advice is to hire a local attorney who specializes in civil litigation or real estate litigation. A local attorney can give you and your brothers good counsel on taking next steps. I totally understand your reluctance to go the legal route but this might not be as onerous as you think. If nothing else, your attorney could fire off a demand or a cease and desist letter, the name varies jurisdiction to jurisdiction, but basically they could write a letter that would put your neighbor on notice that he's way out of line and that legal action may be taken against him if he doesn't cut it out. Let him know you've been documenting this. You know, not like — he probably thinks he's sitting there getting away with it but if you're like, "Hey, we're keeping track of this. We've got their names and contact info. These people are willing to say you came to them and said a bunch of nasty stuff about the house and about us." Attorneys write these often. They're not that expensive. They tend to be pretty cheap. In fact, there's probably one where they fill in the freaking blanks. A lot of attorneys have that kind of thing.
[00:25:17] Now, if that doesn't work out, Corbin recommends you strongly consider taking your neighbor to court. Now, as you probably know, I generally advise against litigation. It's usually a massive waste of time and money and even if you're right, it has to be damn worth it to get tangled up in a prolonged energy and resource suck. And Corbin tends to agree. In fact, he said that he spends more time counseling people against litigation than he does pursuing it. But given the facts in this case, asking a judge for something called injunctive relief, which is basically a court order for somebody to stop doing a certain activity that might be appropriate. And it's well worth the investment of time and money if you find that you're not able to sell this house. The good news is actions for injunctive relief can be pretty quick and painless, especially in a situation like this. You're not asking somebody to stop running their business. You're asking somebody to stop interfering in a tortious way against your selling of the house and property. You're asking them to stop interfering in your property. It's kind of like telling someone to have their dog stay off your lawn. There's not like, "Well, there's two sides to the story." It's like, someone's dog on your lawn and not supposed to be there. You need a judge to say, knock it off.
[00:26:27] And Corbin's experienced most requests for injunctive relief are knocked out in a single court appearance. It's not a big to do. If you're successful in your job, your neighbor would be ordered by the judge, so by law, to quit badmouthing the house and interfering with the sale in any way whatsoever. If he does it again, after getting hit with an injunction, then he's in contempt of court. That is a crime. That can carry civil and criminal penalties. He'd be looking at either paying a fine or spending several days in jail, which should stop any pleasure your neighbor is getting out of sabotaging your sale.
[00:27:00] Hopefully, one of these two options stops him in his tracks at least long enough to sell the house. Then it's not your problem anymore. You just move on with the rest of your life.
[00:27:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. And one thing that is also working in their favor is that they don't live next to this guy, right? They just happen to inherit the house in some other neighborhoods. So it's not like they have to like be on perfect terms with the neighbor and live in the house after. I mean, it's like three months, get them off your back, move on with your life. I think that's going to make things a little easier. That said, a full-on lawsuit for monetary damages, Corbin does think that might actually be appropriate here, depending on the numbers, of course. If your neighbor has caused you to lose sales at the top of the market and the home is then sold later at a much lower price, this neighbor could be sued for the difference between those two prices. Corbin explained that in the past, these types of lawsuits usually weren't worth the trouble, honestly. There was either too little money involved or it just wasn't obvious enough that the house could have been sold at that higher price.
[00:27:52] But this current real estate market, it's a rollercoaster. We obviously don't know what the market is like, where your house is located. But if it's anything like the market in a lot of American cities, right, it's probably pretty hot. So if push comes to shove, arguing that the house would have sold at the top of the market, if this neighbor hadn't scared off these buyers, that could be a much easier argument now than it has been in the past. And the amount of money that you've lost, that could be enough to warrant the cost of a lawsuit.
[00:28:19] Corbin did say that a lot of attorneys right now — this was interesting — they're actually gearing up to litigate over home sales snafus in the near future, since there's just so much money on the line and lots of people are getting into situations like this one. So this might be the perfect time to sue an a-hole across the driveway for this exact sort of thing. But again, we only recommend doing that if you've actually lost out on a significant sum here, if you're willing to go through the time and the expense of a lawsuit and also if these other strategies don't work. Because suing, even if you have a great case, just always has a way of getting ugly, right? And it could antagonize this guy even more. And even if you do win, who knows what he might do to avoid paying out? But either way, your next move is going to be the same, hire a local attorney.
[00:28:59] Jordan Harbinger: And if all else fails, or you decide to go a different way, you could get a little crafty here. I'm wondering if the person running against this guy's wife and that local election, if that person would be interested in this story, right? I mean, look, it's a little bit shifty, but that could be good ammunition in their campaign, right? "This is my opponent. She's not a good person. In fact, her husband is making life hell for his neighbor, stopping them from selling their house out of spite. Is this the kind of person you want representing you?" That kind of thing. I know it seems petty, but that option is on the table too. And you probably wouldn't have to like run ads for this and do this. They might just see you taking steps towards this and say like, "Look—" you might even say, and you'd have to do this through your lawyer. "We could publicize this. I know your wife is in an election." You don't want to threaten them. That's you know, that puts you in the line of fire, but there are ways to sort of mention these concerns that they might not be noticing and get them to notice them. Do it diplomatically, you know, do it through your attorney.
[00:29:57] So if I were you, I would start with the easiest, cheapest, and less dramatic option, and then escalate from there as needed. I'd keep your eye on the prize, which is to sell the house, get your money, move on. The last thing you want to do is be tangled up in a tussle with some freaking busy body schmoe who has nothing better to do than convince people not to buy a house just because he's pissed off and jealous. That he missed it and can't afford it. This guy just screams energy, vampire loser, waste of time. So balance all of those factors, find a good attorney, and best of luck. We're rooting for you guys.
[00:30:29] And you know what, Gabriel? This just occurred to me. Part of me thinks this jackass is scaring the buyers away so that the seller, you know, the writer, will have to lower the price and then he'll go, "Oh yeah, well, hey, look, I'll take that off your hands at that price." You know, it's a terrible strategy because why the hell would you reward that behavior. But that might be what he has in mind. Remember he wanted the house before then the market was high so he rejected the offer. Or for some reason, he rejected the offer maybe because he thought, "I paid 350 for my house and you want 550. Screw that. I'm not paying that," you know? And then he thinks, "If I just make it impossible for you to sell, you'll give it away at a price that I can afford that I want to pay." Otherwise, why freaking bother with this bullsh*t?
[00:31:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: Why would you do that? I mean, you either have to be the pettiest person on earth, or you're trying to scrounge together a little bit of cash over the next six months, and you're just trying to buy some time.
[00:31:22] Jordan Harbinger: You're buying time and you're trying to damage the ability to sell the house. So that maybe, then he says, "Look, I can't get your offer, but I can do a hundred thousand dollars lower," and then they go, "Screw it." Right? And then he's finally got the down payment or the cash. I think that's got to be what's going on because otherwise, what is the reason for this sh*t? You know, why?
[00:31:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm with you, but I've also met and heard of neighbors who do insane sh*t like this—
[00:31:46] Jordan Harbinger: That's true.
[00:31:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: —because they have nothing better, I mean, they're—
[00:31:49] Jordan Harbinger: I mean, squirrel and mailbox, right?
[00:31:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: Incredible. Squirrel, mailbox, enough said.
[00:31:54] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, we don't really need to analyze it too much, squirrel, mailbox et cetera.
[00:31:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: How do you explain people's motivations? There's just like, it takes all kinds and this is one of them.
[00:32:02] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. That's true, especially neighbors. I don't know what the deal is, but like people really get each other's goats and get under each other's skin. And then it's like, there's a beef. And then it's like, whose side are you on? Like, even our neighborhood has that. There's a guy who lights up fireworks sometimes. And I think he probably like drinks or something. He's actually a really nice guy. I've talked to him a bunch of times, but one neighbor just hates him, hates him. Like, I don't really know the details, but that neighbor talks to our next door neighbor who tells us like, "Yeah, yeah, so-and-so hates him because he'd bubble—" and it's just like, "Are you like in the click with the people that don't like 'em or are you in the click with the people that do like them?" And I'm like, "I'm in the click that doesn't get a squirrel in their mailbox. I'm in the click that doesn't get beer cans thrown on the lawn or like has fireworks shot off in his direction. I'm in the click that can go to anybody's barbecue and not have to leave because the other guy is there. That's the click that I mean." Okay. Yeah, so, but it, it just happens. And I think people are bored and like people, you know, it's a fundamental attribution error. "You must be lighting fireworks because you're a terrible person." Not because like, you know, you've got a kid in the house that likes doing it. I don't know.
[00:33:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:33:06] Jordan Harbinger: But neighbors love to just do this to each other. I don't understand. Not worth the time.
[00:33:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: I have to I think that the whole work from home thing has given rise to more of this bullsh*t.
[00:33:16] Jordan Harbinger: So much beef, yeah.
[00:33:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: If you're at the office eight, 10 hours a day, you don't have time to buttonhole the frigging buyers of the house next door. Like you have other places to be. You're not even on the property, but now everybody's zooming in between their Zoom calls, they can lean out the window and be like, "Yeah, these people are monsters. The foundation of the house is crumbling. You might want to stay away from the house." This is one of the unfortunate nightmares of what the pandemic has done to work. Like just more problems in the vicinity when you're trying to sell a house that you just want to get off your hands.
[00:33:44] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. The guy's probably going to say, "Oh, well, I'm not doing anything. I'm just telling them the truth about the house." Which, you know, how do you know there's a crack in the foundation, whatever? But you know, he's going to argue that he's telling the truth, so he's not doing anything wrong, but if I'm the buyer and I go into that house, even if I know that he's full of crap and like the inspection shows, there's no cracks in the foundation, I don't want to live next to that guy.
[00:34:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yep.
[00:34:08] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Like, even if he's in his own front yard, minding his own business, but he's like dancing and is in tighty whities, I don't want to live next to that guy. That's the thing, like he doesn't even have to talk to me. If he's out there banging a snow shovel against his own mailbox for no reason. I'm like, "Nope, no, thanks. We got a crazy. I don't want any part of this." I don't want to give the guy any ideas, but—
[00:34:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, this is a problem because even if they say, "Hey, listen, I just want you to know that we have this crazy neighbor. He's angry because he didn't get the house. So he's making up all this stuff about it." They're still going to think, "Okay, the house is fine, but I got to live next to this guy."
[00:34:39] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:34:40] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's the problem that makes me think that they might need to go the injunctive relief route to actually get anything done.
[00:34:45] Jordan Harbinger: Me too. Yep. Agreed.
[00:34:49] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right.
[00:34:54] This episode is sponsored in part by Firstleaf. While we all have that one essential that's an absolute must this time of year, for many, especially my father-in-law, it happens to be wine. Summers about having fun. So keep the good times going with some equally good wine. After my father-in-law's weekly golf games with his buddies, he always gets together with a few bottles of wine. And since we get incredible wine shipped to my door from Firstleaf, I give to the crew a couple bottles of our summer staple. Instant brownie points. I highly recommend it. Firstleaf is a wine club that curates and ships boxes of wine that are perfect for you. And Firstleaf gets better with every box. Each time you rate the wine you receive, Firstleaf learns more about your palate, what notes and type of wine you like. So the more wines you rate, the more personalized your selection. And their award winning wines at 60 percent off retail.
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[00:35:58] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Chili Technology. I struggled to sleep at night. I tend to run a little bit warm on top of the fact it's like 90 freaking degrees and super hot out these days. I thrash around at toss and turn because I can't get cool enough to sleep. The chiliPAD has made a huge difference for me. The bed feels cool if you just got in, cools all night long. What are the most important parts of staying healthy is obviously the quality of your sleep. And when I am cool, I sleep a hell of a lot better, helps with getting fit in the morning, waking up on time to work out, benefits my mindset. Only about 44 percent of Americans report a restful night's sleep almost every night, which is a damn shame. That's where ChiliSleep systems come to the rescue. This is a bed topper. It's a climate controlled sleep solution. It basically fits over your existing mattress. So you don't have to replace your mattress. It uses water to control the temperature of your bed, to lower your core body temperature and trigger deep restorative sleep. It can both warm or cool your bed as well. So Jen uses the warm side for her and the baby and I used the cool side for better sleep.
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[00:38:12] And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
[00:38:15] All right, what's next?
[00:38:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi guys, after keenly following the insights from your show, I've found myself with a job offer that is significantly higher than my current salary. It's fully supporting my residency visa and my new country and provides a generous bonus structure. I have already started the negotiation by showing market validation and I'm ready to explore other options I can ask for such as being close to the crown, you know, dinner or lunch with the managing partner a couple of times a year, being considered for internal initiatives, requesting coaching support, requesting a success lab with my key stakeholders to ensure that we focus and we agree on our game plan, and so. I'm still relatively new in this country. It's been only two and a half years, so I don't have the strongest network, strongest client list, or the strongest market understanding to push harder, but I have done a lot to bring myself up to speed and continue to work hard on my relationships, my experience, my wellbeing, my Knowledge, and the impact that I can have. Given all of these, should I not negotiate too hard? When do I need to keep going? And when do I stop? Signed, Keep Stacking the Table or Be Grateful That I'm Stable.
[00:39:19] Jordan Harbinger: Well, first of all, nicely done on landing such a great offer that I think is awesome. It sounds like you're doing really well in your new country, which can't be easy. You're working hard. You're investing in yourself. You know what you're worth and that's all very exciting. There's actually no right answer to your question, but here are a few principles that will help. In a negotiation in general, one of the most important things to know is when to walk away, what your absolute bottom line is. You're way above that. So everything you're asking for now is basically gravy. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for it. Just recognize that your needs are more than being met. So now you're pushing for the best possible deal, which is fine.
[00:39:56] So as you negotiate, I would balance your requests with the signals your employer is sending you. Here's what I mean. It's important to know your worth, but you also don't want to be annoying or greedy that could piss people off. This is especially true in companies where you're not just dealing with some random person in HR. But where your compensation is maybe being approved by the people who will end up being your managers or colleagues once you join, probably depends on how big the company is, how it's organized. But if you spend eight weeks haggling with your CEO, over three more days of PTO and wasting a bunch of time, that could sour the whole relationship from the jump. So be sensitive to that. I'm not saying you should back down completely but just be thoughtful about what you really want, especially since what you're pushing for at this point isn't — it's not like, "I need another 6K so that I can pay my mortgage or I've got kids in there. One has a health problem and I need the money." It's more like, "I want a three-day workshop with the SVPs and a public speaking coach. So I can really be on point." Not to trivialize that, but it's a different need. It's a different level of need. It's not even a need. It's a want. I'd pick your battles and prioritize the future of your relationships over these seemingly minor short-term gains. Again, it doesn't mean you can't ask for these things, but I might not dig my heels in too much if they push back.
[00:41:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I totally agree. And I would also think about which demands you really need to be making formally. The dinner with the managing director that jumped out at me. I mean, I understand you want to be close to the crown as you put it, but does this MD know you? How does he feel about you? Do you guys have a preexisting relationship? I'm not sure how I would feel if I were that MD and my HR rep came to me and said, "Yeah, so, this new hire, this guy we're talking to, he's demanding lunch with you frigging McCormick & Schmick's with you every six months if he's going to accept our offer. Are you okay with that?" That could sound a little presumptuous. It could come across as slightly annoying. Maybe a little smarmy. I mean, you can always ask for that lunch once you join and it'll be way more fun if he actually wants to be there at that lunch. So I don't know if I would drag that particular negotiation point into this conversation.
[00:42:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that seemed odd to me too. There's a smart invitation once he's in and he's building those relationships organically, but to request it from the outset as part of his deal, it feels a little, like maybe not smarmy, maybe a little Machiavellian. I'm not sure exactly. It's not that bad. It's not quite that level. I think you'll have more success though, getting to know that MD or that director or that managing partner by doing great work versus demanding his company for dinner and writing. I'm definitely a fan in general of getting close to the crown at work and negotiating this, but you might want to do that only after you've been there for a short while and you know who the crown is and they know who you are as well, at least a little bit. Otherwise it might seem like contractually enforced brown-nosing instead of like you trying to network with the right people to move your career forward.
[00:42:49] So here's my recommendation rather than playing hardball on all the gravy, I just get into this company as soon as possible start knocking it out of the park and then in a year or so, you can ask for a promotion and bring up some of these benefits and then the conversation won't be, "Hey, give me all this stuff. So I'll join your company." It'll be, "I've been killing it at your company. If you want me to stick around and keep killing it, here's what I could use." That's a very different conversation and you'll probably have a lot more success without damaging any goodwill. Good luck on the new job.
[00:43:21] All right. Next up.
[00:43:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey ya boys, after 13 years of recession and the Panny D, I have finally made the extremely calculated jump to being an independent boss lady. My new studio is a quarter of the commute I was doing before, and I'm already covering all of my lost income in just seven to 10 hours of work on average a week. This leaves me with loads of free time. I know that things will get busier the longer I'm open. So I'm trying not to fill all of that free time with new commitments. Meanwhile, my extremely supportive partner continues his 60 hour workweek. Cue the anxiety and guilt, I'm leveling up my qualifications for my trade to handle my imposter syndrome. And my P&L is trending in the right direction, but I'm still left feeling like a freeloader. How do I reconcile that just because I'm not working 70 hours a week anymore, I'm still successful and not a drain on the household? Signed, A Boss Lady Feeling a Little Shady About This Gravy Lifestyle Lately.
[00:44:17] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. Well, this is really cool though. Congrats on making the jump to your own business ramping up quickly. That's super exciting to say the least. I can see why you'd feel some anxiety about your new schedule though. It probably feels like you're cheating the system somehow, especially when you're with somebody who has a much more traditional career. And it's like, I mean, 70 hours is back-breaking. So I think this really comes down to the values you use to judge yourself in your career. When you're in a traditional job, those values tend to come from your environment. If you're putting in 70 hours a week with other type A people who are burning the candle at both ends. Then that's your benchmark, but when you leave a job like that, you don't just lose the paycheck in the office. You also lose your whole framework for judging what a good day looks like, what a fair schedule is, how you even value yourself, hashtag capitalism, right? The whole rubric that just goes out the window. And suddenly you're out in the wilderness trying to figure out how to structure your life and evaluate yourself worth when it's just you alone in your studio doing whatever you do. I 100-percent felt that when I left Wall Street and started my own company. And I'm guessing Gabe, you probably felt it too when you left your old career to be a writer.
[00:45:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh yeah, definitely. I still do sometimes actually. It's a really big shift, yeah.
[00:45:32] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. There you go. So I think that it's important to get clear on those values and what they are for you. How do you judge success? What does a good productive day look like for you? How does it feel? How do you want to spend your time? How much revenue do you want to bring in to know that your business is on track? I would take some time to answer those questions so you can create that sense of fulfillment and security when you don't have a paycheck coming in every two weeks or a boss praising you for getting your work done on time. Obviously, money is going to be one of those values. Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you're doing really well in that department. If your commute is a quarter of what it used to be, your P&L is up and to the right. That's amazing, but it sounds like that's making you feel almost like you're getting away with something as opposed to feeling like you've made some really smart decisions that allowed you to make more money in a lot less time. And that's normal.
[00:46:23] You're still in the early days. With time that anxiety will naturally lift on its own. But I also think that if you get a little clearer on your values, you won't feel this conflicted about doing so well in a non-traditional way. For example, if you decide that making X amount of money in Y number of hours per week is taking care of you and your partner and giving you the free time you want to do whatever hobbies you've got or ABC hobbies, right? You decided that ABC is important to you too. If you want to use your free time wisely, you'll probably feel a lot better about your lifestyle. It won't be this crazy accident where you lucked out, you hack the system. It'll be a deliberate choice on your part to live life in a certain way. And you'll know that you're working the way you work for a good reason. A reason that's your own and not somebody else's.
[00:47:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, nicely put, Jordan. It's hard not to feel like you're getting away with something when you're an entrepreneur or a freelancer or an artist, because in a way you kind of are, I mean, everyone else has to work eight or 10 or 12 hours a day in a building somewhere with a bunch of other people and you get to work in Adobe in your pajamas with schnauzer on your lap for six hours or whatever, whenever you want. But if we've learned anything from the pandemic, it's that so many of those rules of traditional corporate life, they were arbitrary. I mean, now a ton of people are working from home. Some of them are scaring buyers away from houses next door, they have so much free time. They're working less, they're getting more done. And the idea that if you don't work 70 hours a week with other people in the same space, you're not really doing it right, that's kind of a myth. In fact, the person who barely commutes and makes more money in less time in my book, that's the person who's figured it out. I mean, that's kind of the dream.
[00:48:00] Jordan Harbinger: It absolutely is the dream. And I'm not saying don't work hard. I'm not saying if you want to work 70 hours a week, doing everything and scaling up like crazy, you shouldn't. But if you're finding a faster way to make more money and you're happier, how is that not a good thing? I've really embraced that in the last few years, especially after starting a family, just this idea of like, I decide what a good day looks like. I control my time. If I can be more successful and free up time that I can spend with my wife and kids, which is a huge part of my life obviously, that's a win. I don't feel anxious. Well, that's kind of a lie. I don't feel as anxious about that anymore. On the contrary, I feel like it's a deliberate and important choice on my part.
[00:48:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right, right. The guilt that she's feeling though, that's interesting. It sounds to me like, at least some of that guilt is coming from comparing herself to her husband. She kind of feels like a freeloader, like she's a drain on the household. Although I can't really tell Jordan if she feels guilty because she's not working as many hours as she used to, or because she's actually bringing in less money right now. So my question is, is that true? Are you a freeloader? Are you actually a drain on the household? If you're not, objectively speaking, not those things. If you're still bringing in as much money as you used to, but in less time, then you know that that guilt is self-generated. And I would try to make the shift that Jordan just described.
[00:49:16] But if you are those things even a little bit, if your partner is actually contributing more than you now, and that doesn't sit right with you, then I would talk to him about it. If you need six more months to scale up the business, and then you'll be back to making what you used to make or maybe more, and your partner is totally cool with that. Great. Then you just commit to building your business and know that you're working toward that goal. And it will all be very equal again soon. And you don't need to beat yourself up for it in the meantime, but I would talk to your partner about whether he feels any of this is unfair or unequal, or just kind of like something that you guys aren't really acknowledging. Or if this is just entirely in your mind.
[00:49:48] Regardless, you guys, communicating openly about money, about career stuff, different schedules, all of that, that is helpful no matter what. There's a lot of change happening in your religion right now. And you don't want any resentments or disagreements or tension to get swept under the rug. So I say, sit down, get clear with each other, just be like, "Hey honey, here's what I'm feeling. I'm feeling a little guilty. I work five and a half hours. I bring in as much money as I used to. I know that you still have to go to the office. I want to know if you have any feelings about that. I just don't want it to be this thing between us where, because we have different lifestyles, somehow we start resenting each other for different contributions," something like that. And you might find out that you're carrying around this guilt for really no reason at all. And it would just be nice to be able to put it down, but you got to talk about it first.
[00:50:28] Jordan Harbinger: Agreed. There's a piece of this that is personal to her. And there's a piece of this that exists in her relationship with her partner. So I would explore both of those. You can't go wrong talking stuff out. And while you do keep in mind that an entrepreneur's/freelancer's lifestyle is always going to look different from a traditional employees and that's okay. You're not doing anything wrong. It's funny to have to say that, right? In fact, I think you're doing a lot of things right as long as you and your partner are on the same page. Congrats again on the big move and best of luck.
[00:50:56] I really think that there's a lot of — I understand the guilt, right? Especially if she's like, "Wait a minute. I'm only working this much and I'm making this much money. Should I be more miserable to sort of like be on par with my significant other?" And the answer is, of course, no, but you don't want the other person to be like, "Oh, look at you sitting around all day, enjoying yourself. How dare you?
[00:51:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:51:16] Jordan Harbinger: By the way, I wanted to mention that a friend of mine is using a matchmaker. And you know, I was a little skeptical of these before, but it's actually quite a good idea, especially for folks who are looking for like long-term relationships. Don't have the time/energy for like tons of bad first dates, the matchmaker weeds out all the people who are not a good fit from personality, values, life goals standpoint, and they send you out on dates with people who actually want to spend time with you. Better than going it alone. And it certainly seems like an easier way to do this than online dating. No more swiping, huge sense of relief there. And they vet people for you and so far so good. You know, like, "Look, Buddy's not married yet, but this things take time." I just wanted to just give them a quick shout out and a recommendation. You can check them out. Threedayrule.com/jordan, spell out three, T-H-R-E-E-dayrule.com/jordan. You can go there and check them out. And, you know, look, stop dating people that don't look like their photos.
[00:52:07] I hope y'all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week. And of course, everyone who listened, thank you so much. Go back and check, check out T-Pain and Will Storr if you haven't yet.
[00:52:17] If you want to know how I managed to book all those great people and manage my relationships using systems and tiny habits, check out our Six-Minute Networking course. It's free over on the Thinkific platform. Jordanharbinger.com/course is where you find it. I want to teach you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships, it's a little bit late to make them. The drills take a few minutes a day. Ignore the habits at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Again, all free, jordanharbinger.com/course.
[00:52:43] Transcripts in the show notes, show notes at jordanharbinger.com. There's a video of Feedback Fridays that goes on our YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. We've got our clips channel with stuff you can't find anywhere else at jordanharbinger.com/clips. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also hit me on LinkedIn and you can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi.
[00:53:07] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own. I'm a lawyer, not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto with Corbin Payne, he's a lawyer, not your lawyer. Remember, we rise by lifting others, share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:53:43] We've got a preview trailer of our interview with Vince Beiser. It's all about sand. You heard me, sand. It's actually quite fascinating. There are even sand mafias killing people over sand. Check out episode 97 with Vince Beiser right here on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:53:58] Vince Beiser: If anybody told me three or four years ago that I was going to be spending my every waking hour thinking and talking about sand, I would have just laughed. It's actually the most important, solid substance on earth. We use about 50 billion tons of sand every year. That's enough to cover the entire State of California every single year. Every year, we use enough concrete to build a wall 90 feet high and 90 feet across right the way around the planet at the equator.
[00:54:30] A bunch of sand might get broken off of a mountain top, washed down into a plain somewhere. And then that sand gets buried under subsequent geological layers and pushed down under the earth and compressed and turned into sandstone. And then that sandstone may get pushed up again by geologic forces over hundreds of thousands of years and worn away again and again, broken down back into grains. So an individual grain of sand can be millions of years old.
[00:55:01] Jordan Harbinger: We're fully eclipsing the rate of creation here.
[00:55:04] Vince Beiser: You're probably sitting in a building made of just a huge pile of sand. Well, all the roads connecting all those buildings also made out of sand. The glass, the windows in all those buildings also made of sand. The microchips that power our computers, our cell phones, all of our other digital goodies also made from sand. So without sand, there's no modern civilization. And the craziest thing about it is we are starting to run out.
[00:55:32] Jordan Harbinger: For more on why sand is the next petroleum-like resource and some crazy stories about sand pirates and the black market for sand, check out episode 97 with Vince Beiser right here on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
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