Your father already had another family when he decided to have an affair with your mom (which resulted in you). Now that you’re 18, is it right for you to still be kept a secret from this other family? We’ll tackle this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- If you’re feeling unlucky lately, see if you’re controlling these three drivers for results.
- Your father already had another family when he decided to have an affair with your mom (which resulted in you). Now that you’re 18, is it right for you to still be kept a secret from this other family?
- You’ve made some headway in life, but your social circle has not. As a result, your lack of relatable friendships makes you feel antisocial. Where do you begin the quest for a new social circle?
- Looking for a job while sheltering in place is a bummer. How can you: a) politely turn away leads you think aren’t a good fit out of respect for your old boss who’s passing them your way, and b) avoid being the awkward newcomer on Zoom who doesn’t know anyone in real life if you do land a new job?
- How can you tell the difference between a legitimate, positively influential mastermind group and a scammy, fake guru-style mastermind group as we addressed recently in episode 368?
- New at your job, how should you go about failure when it could jeopardize how others think of you? You want to acknowledge your mistakes without losing the trust of your coworkers and higher-ups.
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
- And if you want to keep in touch with former co-host and JHS family Jason, find him on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
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Please Scroll Down for Featured Resources and Transcript!
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Miss the show we did with Moby — musician, singer, songwriter, producer, animal rights activist, and author? Catch up here with episode 196: Moby | What to Do When Success Makes You Miserable!
Resources from This Episode:
- Coffeezilla | How to Expose Fake Guru Scams | TJHS 368
- Tim Ballard | Putting a Stop to Child Sex Trafficking | TJHS 369
- How to Increase Your Luck Surface Area | Codus Operandi
- Mark Cuban | Tales from the Shark Side | TJHS 362
- Warren Buffett | Twitter
- Free Six-Minute Networking Course
- The Spectacular Now | Prime Video
- Why I Hate the Phrase Champagne Problems | Live Happier
- What Is the Difference Between a Furlough, a Layoff, and a Reduction in Force? | SHRM
- Connection Fox
- Top 10 Mastermind Groups Propelling Explosive Business Growth | Entrepreneur
- Entrepreneurs’ Organization (EO)
- Six Danger Signs of Harmful LGATs | Large Group Awareness Training Truth
- Extreme Ownership: How US Navy SEALs Lead and Win by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
My Life as a Secret Love Child | Feedback Friday (Episode 370)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. As always I'm here with my Feedback Friday, co-pilot Gabriel Mizrahi, you could see him nod at the perfect time if you're watching us on YouTube because we're filming it now, which is great because I'm wearing the same shirt that I wore last week if memory serves, not that you would know because you couldn't see us last week. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant people. We turned their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. I want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave.
[00:00:36] And our mission here on the show is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works, make sense of what's going on in your own brain, and what's really happening outside of your brain. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. That's what we're going to do today. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers, and performers. This week we had my friend Steven Coffeezilla. His YouTube name is Coffeezilla. It's not like his last name. We blew up Internet con men and fake guru scammers. We outlined how these Internet, especially YouTube con-artists work, what their business models look like behind the scenes. He does like this investigation stuff finds out all this dirt on them. It's a good channel. And we spoke with Tim Ballard, a former federal agent who left the government and now chases traffickers around the world to rescue kidnapped and trafficked children. This episode is really something I'm telling you. I encourage you to listen to that one for sure.
[00:01:38] Of course, our primary mission here on the show is to pass along our guests and our own experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show. I want to talk to you. I want to do that on Friday, every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I want to put a brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's what the show is about for me. It's my chance to help you avoid some of the mistakes that I make. Although I seem to keep making the same mistake with his damn Hawaiian shirt, damn you, where would I get something like this? I don't even know. I didn't buy this.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:07] It looks like somebody made it for you as a present.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:10] I don't think anyone was like knitting me a Hawaiian shirt. Where do you get stuff like this? Like Tommy Bahamas. That sounds like a store that sells only Hawaiian shirts.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:20] I have literally worn a black t-shirt for the last 49 days. You're asking the wrong person.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:26] 40? Did you count the days?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:28] I'm doing like, I'm going off my Apple Watch is telling me that I've done 49 days of --
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:32] Do you have an app for that, like, "Oh, are you wearing a black shirt today?"
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:35] It is my most useful app. Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:37] "Hey, Siri, I'm wearing a black v-neck today."
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:39] It's like, "You've created a black shirt -- " I don't know.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:43] "You're on a streak!"
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:44] Streak! That's the word I was looking for.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:45] Yeah.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:46] Anyway.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:47] The moral is no one cares about our wardrobe --
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:48] Not at all.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:49] Especially if you're listening in podcasts and you're not watching us on YouTube.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:52] The least impressive streak I've ever bragged about.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:54] Really the least.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:02:55] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:55] You can always reach us on firstname.lastname@example.org. A lot of people are having bad luck right now. That's a confluence of factors. I've been thinking about this. There are three drivers of results or, I guess, lack of results in your life. One is strategy, choices you're making. The second one would be habits. So the actions you're taking on a daily basis. So strategy would be like the macro-version of habits in a lot of ways. Then there's luck, which is just random. You can't do much about it. You can only increase your surface area for luck, as we've talked about here on the show. So only two of these three things are under your control in any way really. Maybe 2.2, if you count your surface area for luck, but even then luck is luck. If you master the areas that are under your control, you can improve the odds. That luck is going to work for you and help you rather than work against you. So your habits and your strategy have to be in order. And then when something happens, you can capitalize on an opportunity. Or you can avoid getting steamrolled by bad luck. You know, a lot of folks right now that I know who are over-leveraged, they seemed so lucky before the economy hit a downturn.
And Mark Cuban is the one who sparked this in me. He was on the show recently. One of the things he said was "Everybody's a genius in a bull market." I don't think he made that up, but all of these people that were investing in crypto in like 2017, "Oh yeah, I'm a crypto genius," no, everybody was. You put money in and the next day you had more. It was hard to lose money. Now, again, Warren Buffet says "We see who's naked when the tide goes out." So that works for finance, but this happens all the time, whether it's a career -- I can't even count how many people said, "I don't need to worry about Six-Minute Networking or networking or building relationships. I'm a teacher. I'm a," whatever, fill in the blank, "super secure job." And then they come in my inbox later, like, "I can't believe it. Who could have predicted this?" And the answer is, well, everyone is predicting a downturn at some point. Nobody predicted it right now and what it would be, but you can be guaranteed that in your life, you're going to have an economic downturn or career hurdle.
[00:04:57] If you're not prepared for that, you have failed in your habits. You have failed in your strategy. So when you have "bad luck," of course, it looks terrible. You are not prepared. So take that thought going into the weekend, going into next week, what can you do to increase the value and the quality of your habits and your strategy, your actions, or your habits, your strategy, your choices, so that when your luck/randomness strikes, it doesn't demolish you. That's what I want you to do this weekend and this week.
[00:05:27] Anyway, we've got some fun questions, some doozies. I can't wait to dive in. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:05:33] Dear Jordan and team. I'm an 18-year-old boy living with my mom and my older brother in the Netherlands. I had a confusing childhood. My father, who now lives in the States, also had a family in the US. Circumstances forced him to move temporarily to the Netherlands, where he fell in love with my mother and they had an affair while my father was married and had other children. When my father had to move back to the US, my mother only wanted one thing from him: a child. My mother then raised me alone. Last October, I met my father for the third time in my life. We discussed a lot of history. One thing bothered me quite a bit, and this is the issue. My father does not want to tell his family and his children, my brothers and sisters, that he has another son. He wants to keep me hidden away, which makes me feel like I'm not wanted. He wants to keep it a secret for as long as he lives. I think that this isn't the right choice, and the longer he waits, the bigger the damage. What should I do? Yours sincerely, Tucked Away.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:28] This one makes me a little bit sad, not even a little bit sad. This makes me sad because I do understand all sides of this one, or I can understand all sides of this one. First of all, thank you for trusting us with this sensitive issue here. This must be painful. I know this is a sore spot and what I'm about to say might be a little rough around the edges, but you know, me, it comes from a place of love. My amateur, not-a-therapist opinion here is candidly that your dad is selfish as hell, like really selfish and you deserve much better. Kind of your mom too, not to like smack talk your mom. She helped create this situation. I don't think she probably appreciated all the consequences. Well, my gut says, screw this guy. I'm going to try and see this from another perspective here and that your dad maybe really loved your mom. Your mom really wanted you with or without your dad, so your dad obliged and everyone was thinking, "Well, this is great. I'm making this woman happy that I love." And she's thinking, "This is great. I'm going to have a kid with this man that I love and I can raise him here. The Netherlands has a good social safety net. I'm going to be a great mom. I really want a child. This is a great guy for genetics, whatever." And maybe at the time, he just wasn't thinking about how you feel because you didn't exist yet. And your mother did exist and was right in front of him asking them for a child. So in a way, your dad had already chosen the other kids, already chosen his wife before he met your mother.
[00:07:49] I'm not excusing any of this. I'm just trying to see both sides. And that said, obviously you're a person with feelings worthy of love from both of your parents and you're being robbed of that by the circumstances. And there are a lot of other factors that work here. And the primary question I suppose, is what do you want to get out of your relationship with your father?
[00:08:10] Gabe, you want to speak to that a little bit more? I mean, one side of me really wants to punch his guy's dad in the nuts. And the other part of me kind of understands the situation from the side of his father. Like, look, I'm not trying to cheat on my wife anytime soon, but I'm trying to put myself in a situation where I go abroad and fall in love with somebody over a period of several months or years or however long he was there. And then she's like, "But I want a child. And you're the most amazing person I've ever met." And I'm like, "Well, I know," and I pat myself on the back and then I have a kid with this woman. And then I'm like, "Oh, shoot, that kid might want a dad. I wasn't thinking because I was 27." I don't know how old his dad was at the time. "Now I'm 40 and I'm like, this is going to end poorly," but who knows how old the guy was, what he was thinking at the time, how the emotions were running. I just don't know. It's tough because now we have a real-life person who's like, "Why the hell doesn't my dad want me?"
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:08:59] Yeah. This guy's looking for his dad, dude.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:01] Yeah.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:09:01] Not just the guy who helped make him, but everything that role entails.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:05] Not a sperm donor.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:09:06] Exactly.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:07] But like a dad.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:09:07] Yeah, and I feel for you, bud. I'm sorry that your parents created this situation long before you were born. And I'm not trying to point a finger at your mom or your dad, but this had nothing to do with you and now you have to deal with it. So my question for you, I think, is what do you hope to achieve from your dad introducing you to his family? Will having your dad tell his family about you actually make you feel wanted in the way that you want to feel wanted or have you pinned all of your hopes for feeling wanted on this one really big thing? I'm not presupposing the answer. I'm just saying you've got to get clear on that question. My other question for you is, and I think this is what Jordan was just getting at, is what is your relationship with your dad? Like not the idealized version of the relationship that you really want with him, but the actual version right now.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:52] That's a good point because maybe the guy's like straight-up absentee, shows up once every six years now. What do you really have?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:10:00] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:00] Not to be a dick about it. But like, what's really there?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:10:02] Is this a Spectacular Now situation? Or is this something deeper than that? When you guys got together in October, what was it like? Did you like him? Does he like you? Is there a real bond there? Is this guy someone you feel like you really want and need in your life? If yes, then I can understand wanting him to acknowledge you more. But if not, I have to wonder what you're hoping to get out of this situation. And in theory, maybe that shouldn't matter. I don't -- it shouldn't matter. You should have both of your parents obviously, but I do think that the quality of your relationship with your dad is a big variable here in practice.
[00:10:34] If he's someone that you want to be close with because he truly cares about you and there's real substance to your relationship, then him not acknowledging you to his family is a bigger deal. Although if he's not acknowledging you to his other family, it makes me wonder how deep your relationship could possibly be with him. But if it isn't a very meaningful relationship, then I wonder if it's less urgent for him to tell his family about you. I'm not saying it's less hurtful. I'm just asking you if it's less significant. So I would decide on what kind of relationship you want with this guy and how much that relationship means to you. I think that should probably guide you. You're not wrong for wanting a full dad. I'm just saying, given that you don't have a full dad, is this the one that you actually want?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:09] Yeah, Gabriel. I like what you said here. I don't want to repeat everything, but there is some deep truth to not growing up with a dad, I assume. And then thinking, but if I had this missing piece, then these other missing pieces in my life might take care of themselves. And so you pin your hopes on this person and this guy, obviously, you're on his mind occasionally, but it's once every six years that he's seen you and you're a secret and he never wants to share that, that has less to do with you than it has to do with him, by the way. You kind of touched on this, but that is him trying to keep his home life from exploding. You could be the world champion something-or-other, and he might not go home and go, "That's my son," because he doesn't want to ruin his other home life.
[00:11:55] You covered a lot of this, but I just don't want you to be sitting there in Amsterdam, looking at your pile of books in your room and going, "If only I'd studied harder. If only I'd worked harder at tennis." Your dad doesn't have any room for you necessarily, or hasn't in the past. It doesn't matter. It's no failure of yours. That's what I'm getting at. I'm going to make that damn clear because I think it would be really easy -- I know for me personally, I would be wondering, "Is it because I'm just not good enough? Like, am I just shy, or am I far shy of the bar to be recognized as offspring?" And that's not what's going on here. What's going on here is your dad had already made a choice and he doesn't want the chaos of telling his wife, "Hey, I cheated on you and there's another son." He doesn't want his kids and wife mad at him. It has nothing to do with you. It's the fact that you exist. But again, that's not even your fault.
[00:12:49] So I'm not saying forget about your dad or forget about having a relationship with them. But I am saying reserve any judgment on yourself, realize this has virtually nothing to do with the way you've lived your life, what you've achieved, or what you haven't achieved, who you are, who you are not. It just doesn't have anything to do with that. Don't lose any more sleep thinking about that. That's all I got.
Peter Oldring: [00:13:14] You are listening to The Jordan Harbinger Show and it is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:20] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. When Internet pioneer Jaron Lanier was on the show episode 156, by the way, he gave us some pretty compelling reasons to consider deleting our social media accounts, besides their constant privacy issues and contribution to the mass production of misinformation, it's unlikely any social media platform is going to be around forever. And if you don't believe me, just ask MySpace, Tom, how he's enjoying retirement. I recommend HostGator for creating and maintaining your best possible online presence. You do need your own website. Engage your site's performance on HostGator with analytics, you don't need a cryptographer to decode it. You can accept payments. You can trumpet your presence to the world's most used search engines as an arsenal of tools at your disposal and good support. Peter, let it rip.
Peter Oldring: [00:14:04] Okay. I better be careful here.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:05] Yeah.
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Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:41] This episode is also sponsored by Better Help. There are so many good excuses not to go to therapy. It's too expensive. It's too far. It's too annoying to look for a therapist. I understand all of that. With Better Help, we can't say that anymore better help is an online counseling service that assigns you a professional therapist within 48 hours. You can call video chat, chat, text your sessions. You can just get in touch briefly. If you just need a reality check. You can easily schedule a secure video or phone session with your therapist plus exchange unlimited messages. It's not some sort of like you get three a month or whatever. Welcome to the 21st century and therapy along with it, you don't have to find a therapist whose office is near your home anymore. And if for any reason you're unhappy with your counselor, you can request a new one at any time. No additional charge. Peter.
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[00:16:00] And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:06] Gabriel, what's next?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:16:07] Dear Jordan and team, over the years, I've become very antisocial. I want to change this, but I don't know where to start. In my late teens and early 20s, I was the type of person who had tons of friends and always had plans on the weekend, fast forward to my late 20s and I've realized that most of those people were just drinking buddies and not true friendships. I only have a few friends I've kept in touch with from that time, and even with them, we mostly drank when we got together. I now have a thriving career and a healthy relationship and have matured into a critical thinker. I really feel that I need to start over with my social circle, but I don't know where to start. In fact, my fiance and I are now considering eloping because we're embarrassed at how few people we can even invite to our wedding. That's what has really forced me to face how antisocial I've become. I know in the past you've recommended classes, but living in the Midwest, there really aren't as many options for that kind of thing. To top it all off, I've worked from home with coworkers that live out of state for the last six years, so I don't even have coworkers to socialize with. Should I do your Six-Minute Networking course and reach out to my old drinking buddies and see if any of them have matured as I have, or am I better off trying to start fresh with meetings and people through classes? What would you do? Signed, Growing, Growing, Gone.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:16] What I'm hearing though, from this question, I got to say, this is very familiar. You evolved your old friends did not. This is the classic undoing of many, a friendship. This is one of the harsher side effects of personal growth that people don't really talk about leaving people behind. I remember in law school, I lost some friends because these people got go-getter jobs. I had a different go-getter job and a different track. And some people got married and had kids and other people were working hard at -- I don't know, athletics, this, that, and the other. And then after a while, I made friendships and a business, and then I started growing, and then I was like, "What's wrong with these freaking losers?" And whether or not they were losers or not, it doesn't matter. I felt like I'd left them behind. And it was tempting to go, "Hey, what are you guys doing? I'm a little bit lonely," but then every single time we hung out, I realized it was like a giant highlighter -- one of those fat ones that you use to write on like a whiteboard and it was just circle, highlight, underlining why we didn't hang out anymore. It was like, "Oh, okay. It's a Thanksgiving dinner and you have to be peeled off the living room floor because you're just pickled drunk," or, "Hey, why are you vandalizing things on the way to the restaurant? What are you doing? Oh, wait, you've always done that. That's your thing. This is why we -- " You start to idealize a lot of these groups because you're lonely or you're feeling a little bit alone. There's a reason we outgrow people and leave them behind. It's kind of like the dark side of personal growth that we don't talk about leaving people behind. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong -- on the contrary, it means you're doing something right.
[00:18:52] One thing you can take comfort with cold comfort is that everyone growing up feels this way at some point. I've realized that the people who don't experience this, by the way, those are often the ones that we leave behind. Or there's the occasional and I mean, very rare person, who grows at or around the same rate as other people around them. And that happens maybe more in small towns where you're like, "Well, everybody I know is like this and I'm not going to move and that's fine." I'm reserving judgment here. That's fine. I think that a lot of times we outgrow those we're around and sometimes we force ourselves to feel like we should be at the same rate as everyone else, but that's not going to make you happy and I know this firsthand. When I grew up in Michigan, I remember driving around with my friends and going, "This sucks." And I remember these sit-downs with my friends and I was going to Germany as an exchange student and I go, "Guys, what are you going to do?" And one of my friends goes, "Dude, I'm going to smoke weed like every day senior year. It's going to be amazing. None of my grades matter." And I was thinking, "That's what you're going to do with a year?" My other friend was like, "Yeah, you know, I'm going to get a job, save some money for something. I'm probably going to buy like an RV." Again, not a big deal, but not what I was trying to do. I left and I went to Europe for a year as an exchange student with a scholarship that I had, and I never looked back.
[00:20:07] So definitely pat yourself on the back knowing that you're experiencing this nagging gnaw on your psyche because you've been making forward strides in your life. And that's to be commended here. I hear that you're in the Midwest. Shout out to my Michigan peeps. I get it, not a ton going on there, class or course-wise a lot of the time. The key in these sorts of situations is going to be joining something that people get really into, really excited about that you're also excited about. In other words, instead of going to the gym, join a CrossFit box. Those people are obsessed with that stuff. Instead of taking yet another language course, maybe go on a group excursion or do a class where it's like, "Hey, at the end of the year, we're going to France to use our French." Or like, "Hey, this is wine class, but we're going to Italy at the end." And everyone's like, "All right, we're going to go on this trip. We're learning about wine. We're learning Italian. We're learning about food." It's got a travel element. And the reason that this is important -- sure, get a group of people curated around your age, if possible. It's tougher in the age of COVID, but this quarantine crap is going to be over soon enough.
[00:21:05] I have made my closest friends going on trips to weird places, hiking the Himalayas, getting food poisoning in Mexico, whatever. Dude, you and I, we bonded in North Korea. We were buddies before that, but we went to North Korea and came back and I was like, "This guy is amazing. This is my BFF here."
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:21:22] Yeah, we took it to a new level for sure. And we met a lot of other people there when we were traveling. Like a lot of people we're still in touch with. Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:28] I invited casual acquaintances that we're really tight with now. And I invited people that I didn't even necessarily like before that -- I didn't dislike, but every time those people write to me, I'm like, "Hey, what's going on, man? Like we spent 10 days in North Korea looking at weird stuff." Like there's a bond there. Any trip takes the process of rapport-building and just puts the whole thing on steroids. There's some accelerant in being trapped in a hotel with no Internet and experiencing all this weird stuff and eating weird stuff and traveling and hearing weird stories and looking at each other sideways, like "You're hearing this, man?" That type of thing just puts the whole friendship process on fast forward.
[00:22:07] Gabe, what do you think? I think I covered a lot of this, but should she reach out to her, his or her old friends? What do you think?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:22:12] I mean, you can definitely check in and see if they've grown in their own ways and that could be a nice discovery, but I think you're probably better off meeting new people. I feel like that's where you are right now. It doesn't sound like your old group has evolved that much or not in the way that you have and just based on your description. So I think you're ready for some new relationships and yeah, it's probably a little daunting and a little hard and given where you live and the times that we're in. But I think with a little extra effort, you'll totally meet those people. It might take a little bit of time, but I think I 100 percent agree with Jordan. This is the difficult but amazing side of becoming a better person that you do have to leave some old relationships behind.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:45] All right. Next up.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:22:46] Hey, guys. Long-time listener here. I love the show. I've been listening since the old, old school days, way back to the first podcast ever.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:54] Wow. That's embarrassing almost. Yeah, but you know what? That's great. Speaking of growing with people. That's great, because back then, I was like, "If you want to meet chicks, you got to dress funky."
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:23:05] Was that the voice?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:06] I might as well have done it in that voice. I probably wore shirts like this that had even dragons on it. I don't even know. I don't even want to shame myself by going back that far. Thank you for following us this far along and growing with us. That's impressive. And I really appreciate that. Continue.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:23:22] I'm a software developer at a startup in the UK who thought his job was safe from the effects of COVID-19. Fast forward to last week when the CEO joined our daily morning Zoom meeting and announced that our clients can not afford to pay us anymore. As a result, half the engineering team, including me has been furloughed, effective immediately.
[00:23:38] I'm sorry, dude.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:40] Ugh.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:23:40] Now my job is at risk of redundancy after the furlough period is over since a generous investment is not going to be very likely in the coming months. My CTO, however, has been very kind and made introductions on my behalf to other tech companies. I've received a few invitations for initial chats, which raises a couple of questions I could use your advice on. Firstly, how do I politely reject conversations with companies that I feel are not a good fit for me? Am I being too fussy in this climate? Should I still entertain phone calls despite being 95 percent not interested? I want to be authentic, I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I also don't want to be rude and not respond and make a fool of my former boss.
[00:24:16] That's nice of you to think about that.
[00:24:18] The second question is: if I do get a new job within the next couple of weeks or months, I will most likely be on-boarding remotely while shelter in place continues. Any tips on how to effectively integrate into the company culture remotely so I don't just become that new smiley face online during the morning Zoom meetings? Thanks for your advice, Furloughed But Not Forgotten.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:38] Sorry to hear about that. If it makes you feel any better in January and February, I fielded dozens of emails telling me how Six-Minute Networking, they didn't need to do it. Everybody's got a secure job. Now, I'm seeing a ton of those people who are like, "Hey, I'm looking for new opportunities on LinkedIn." I get zero joy out of it. In fact, no one loves a good, "I told you so," like I do. But when it comes to the economy and the pile of sh** I've seen some of you all and I do feel for you. I went through my career sh**storm a couple of years back as many of you know, and I remember it very well. It is very fresh, how that felt. So you have my sympathy here.
[00:25:10] It does sound like you're in a good situation though. Having someone to make warm introductions for you is excellent. It shows that you were really valued at the company where you were instead of going out and fishing on your own. Now, we're dealing with a high-quality problem, or as I've heard it called in the UK, Gabriel, champagne problems, which sounds so British.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:25:29] I like that. Champagne and caviar problems.
[00:25:32] Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:32] Yeah. It's like a champagne -- probably like, "Which champagne should we drink?" Like, that's the issue we're dealing with. So, Gabe, I don't know about you, but I say always, always take the call. You just never know what might shake out in the future. You feel like you're wasting people's time, but if you're taking an introductory call, big deal, they don't go, "Oh, I was on the phone with him for 10 whole minutes and he's not taking the job? Screw this guy. I'm going to ruin his life." That would be highly unreasonable. I think it actually seems more strange to me to be like, "I don't even want to talk to you because your company is -- I'm not even considering it." And then in three months, you're like, "Hey, you still on for that call? I don't really like where I'm at." Or, "I didn't get my other job. What are you doing there, Jim? You're still free?" I say keep your options open. If you're at the stage where the introduction hasn't been made yet, tell the CTO you're super grateful for these introductions. You want to make sure you give everyone the attention they deserve. So not to make them all at one time, maybe say like, "Hey, can we stagger these a little? I don't want to get overwhelmed, leave anybody hanging." I don't think you really need to explain that things aren't a fit or why they're not a fit beyond that. Just say, "Wow, I've got a lot of incoming. I really do want these introductions, but can we wait a couple of weeks? I don't want to leave this company or this person hanging."
[00:26:45] Again, though, if I'm in your shoes, I'm taking every call. I'm just getting a relationship going with the hiring managers of these other outfits. I'm adding them to our CRM. By the way, we just made -- I haven't announced this yet. We made a CRM called Connection Fox, go to connectionfox.com. If you were using Contactually and you're like, "This is expensive." Or if you're using Airtable and you're like, "Oh, this is clunky, but it does what I need," Connection Fox is our new thing. It's free right now. You can go and make an account. I'd love your feedback. It's a CRM to help you keep in touch with people that does kind of just what we're talking about here and on Six-Minute Networking. Anyway, add these people to connectionfox.com and keep things open.
[00:27:23] What do you think, Gabe? You've had a real job.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:27:25] Yeah, I agree, 100 percent. I mean, if a company is wildly not a fit, or if you hate the product, or you heard the CEO yells at his employees in the kitchen or something, then yeah, you can decline. But if something could be a fit or you're not sure, I say take the call. Like you never know what's going to come out of it, especially in this climate. What if you need a job in a year? What if you don't take the job, but you make a good friend out of it or contact out of it? Or what if you don't want to take the job, but you hook your friend up with that job? There's so much value to be created there. I'd say take the calls. You never know. And you could be overlooking something great also. You don't realize it's great until you take the phone call. People turn down jobs all the time, so if you do end up doing that, I think they get it. It's totally cool.
[00:28:01] As for onboarding remotely, should we touch on that for a second?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:04] Yeah, I think we should touch on onboarding remotely because there's kind of no getting around it. That is a little weird, like, "Hey, and we have Jordan. He's the guy in the corner. It's got a purple background. Say hi, Jordan." "Hey, everybody." "Anyway, so we don't have our usual things." And then you're just in the corner, like waving -- I mean, what do you do? It is awkward.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:28:24] Immediately random. Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:25] I think you're immediately like, "Oh, who's that guy. Is he cool? He looks weird. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt! who told him he could wear that? Does he work from home? Is it a casual Friday? It's Tuesday. I don't like this guy already."
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:28:35] I'd say if you're in a real office, you would just be bumping into these people in the break room or you'd be saying hi to them in the hallway. So just try to recreate that experience as best you can by setting up brief one-on-one Zoom chats with all your new colleagues. Just jump on a quick thing, five to 10 minutes. Tell them, "Hey, I don't want to be that rando in the group chat. I just wanted to say hi." You know, you can make a joke out of it that you're the guy who's onboarding during COVID and just trying to fit in. Maybe you could ask for some advice or help as it comes up if you need it. Because you know, when you join a new company, you have all these questions. "How does this work? How do I fill out that paperwork? Do I need to do this course by that time?" So if you have those questions, you can just run it up the flagpole and ask somebody on your team and that's another great way to connect. I would just treat this like you're chatting them up in the kitchen or grabbing a drink after work. The only difference is that you can't do it spontaneously in the office so you'll just have to make a little bit of extra effort to do it on Zoom, but I think it'll be worth it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:22] Good thing you remembered to address that. I think the short Zoom call with each person is a great idea. Keep it light and make sure everyone has your personal contact info and be like, "Hey, if you ever need anything and I'm not online, here's my phone number. Here's my email." Everyone should be able to put a face to the name, feel comfortable reaching out to you. Onboarding right now, like I said before, it's going to be a little weird, but once we all get back to the office, people will be excited to meet you in person. So don't sweat it too much. Congrats on your future opportunities as well. I know it seems unstable right now, but it sounds to me like you're about to land on your feet. So congrats on that. I really appreciate you writing in with this question. I think a lot of people are transitioning careers. There's a lot of that in my inbox now. And a lot of people are asking me about onboarding via Zoom. It's a thing like, hey, you've got to do an intro, tell people about yourself in 30 seconds or less. Like we're getting a lot of questions about, "What do I do? How do I follow up? How do I make it not weird?" So congrats. And you'll be fine. This is not as hard as it seems. I've been doing Zoom get-to-know-yous for a decade here. Well, since Zoom was in existence and before that, it was probably Skype. It is a little bit of a sub skill set, but definitely asking for advice and following up after the call is the key.
Peter Oldring: [00:30:34] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show and it is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
[00:30:40] This episode is sponsored in part by NetSuite. With NetSuite, you'll have the visibility and control over your financials, HR inventory, e-commerce, and more. Everything you need all in one place. Whether you're doing a million or hundreds of millions in sales, hello, NetSuite lets you manage every penny with precision. You'll have the agility to compete with anyone, work from anywhere, and run your whole company right from your phone. Join over 20,000 companies who trust NetSuite to make it happen. NetSuite surveyed hundreds of business leaders and assembled a playbook of the top strategies they're using as America reopens for business. Receive your free guide, Seven Actions Businesses Need to Take Now, and schedule your free product tour at netsuite.com/jordan. Get your free guide and schedule your free product tour right now at netsuite.com/jordan, netsuite.com/jordan.
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Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:34] Stay tuned after the show, we've got a trailer of our interview with Moby, iconic musician and producer. This was a super real conversation about creativity, fame, mental health, money, and what really makes people happy and fulfilled. Moby was really open with this one. And even if you're not a fan of the music, I guarantee you we'll dig this episode. That's coming right up after the jump.
[00:32:55] Thank you for listening and supporting this show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us going. To learn more and to get links to all the great discounts you just heard so that you can check out those amazing sponsors for yourself, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And don't forget that worksheet for today's episode, the link is in the show notes at jordanharbinger.com/podcast. And now for the conclusion of feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:22] All right, Gabe, what else?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:33:24] What's up Jay Team? I have been listening to your shows for six years and I want to formally thank the team for continually and consistently releasing impactful content. When I started listening to the show, I was a mid-level manager at my firm. Over the past six years, I've worked my way up to a VP level within my firm, and recently signed a letter of intent to buy the company.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:43] Wow. So you went from a mid-level manager and now you're buying the company. I love that. I'll pat myself on the back a little bit for maybe playing a teeny tiny part in that. That is amazing. So you've been listening for six years. Talk about a growth path. You're mid-level manager, and now you're like, "You know what? I'm just going to buy the whole thing. No big deal." Wow. Good for you. Go ahead.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:34:03] Before I embarked on this journey, I was bound by the chains of addiction.
[00:34:07] Wow, even more impressive.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:08] Wow. Yeah.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:34:09] I got a glimpse of where my life was headed and shifted gears completely. I dove deep into trying to live a healthier lifestyle, which ultimately led me to your podcast. After a couple of years of listening, I'd grown immensely but found that I had lost a sense of community in my life. I had dumped all of my friends and focused only on my personal growth.
[00:34:27] Super interesting ties to the other question we got about leaving people behind.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:30] Absolutely.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:34:31] I learned the importance of community while in rehab and realized that I needed a support system that ultimately led me to a mastermind.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:39] So for those of you who don't know what a mastermind is, these are often business-focused or personal growth-focused groups. You get together either online or in-person or both. I don't want to say talk about problems, but a lot of the discussions do circle around problems and I've been in a bunch of these. So some of them are, "What are you doing to grow your business? What sort of personal stuff is keeping you from your business?" And a good mastermind is going to have both personal and business topics because you just can't isolate them. Every businessperson that I know who's having a rough time in business, there was either a rough time also happening in the marriage because of the business or the rough time in the personal relationships is affecting the business. So you address both those things. It's usually very confidential. They're not support groups, but they kind of look and feel that way. You're just not at the YMCA in folding chairs looking in a circle. Usually, they try and make them fun or entertaining and a little bit more involved, because you're paying to go in a lot of times you're invested in the success of the other people in there because you're so tight. Anyway, continue.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:35:40] I've been in this mastermind for four years and it has played a pivotal role in my success. Knowing that I have that support system helps me navigate difficult decisions and gives me the accountability to always show up for the people who matter most to me. Over the years, I've heard you continually refer to masterminds in a negative light. The group I am in is a paid membership and it's not cheap, but the value that I've gotten from being around this group has paid dividends and provided me with meaningful relationships. Can you clarify what is reasonable and logical when it comes to joining a mastermind? Masterminding the Gap.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:13] Make sure you're not led by one guru. That is the key red flag when I hear mastermind is, "Okay. Who leads it?" And if it's like this guy who makes us call him "sifu," bad. if it's, "Oh, well, I mean, we kind of all do something in the group and you know, we dah, dah, dah." That's fine. If it's led by one sort of guru, you are in a sales funnel, you are not in a mastermind. If there's a facilitator, that's one thing. Someone though to teach you his secrets of business -- that's another thing -- that is a scam. Also, the in-person element is a must. There has to be an in-person element. I know that there's a lot of online masterminds. In fact, your mastermind could be like 99 percent online and you have one weekend a year in-person thing. That's fine. But if everything is online, I do question the value because it's really hard to generate rapport if you're never, ever seeing or meeting anyone else. I've been in groups before, some of them are exclusively online except for two or three times, four times a year. Some of them were only in-person. And I'll tell you the ones that were in-person -- surprise, surprise -- were a lot more powerful. That in-person element is not only a must. It really does add to the efficacy of the mastermind. And anything that's only online, especially if there's one person who heads it up, that to me, screams fake guru who doesn't want to do a lot of work.
[00:37:33] Also confidentiality or an NDA, every big or good solid mastermind that I've been a part of you sign a legally binding non-disclosure agreement or a confidentiality agreement because people share crazy stuff. You know, they're cheating on their spouse or their spouse cheated on them or their business is falling apart and they've got investors they've got to answer to. They don't want that shared anywhere. So usually there's going to be some confidentiality or a non-disclosure agreement involved. If you're in a group that's new and they don't have that, it doesn't mean it's a scam. It means they haven't thought about this, but your group should at least value confidentiality to an extreme. Because if you can't be guaranteed that no one's going to share something, you're not going to share yourself, which means you're not going to address the real stuff that's holding you back.
[00:38:17] Also, the more highly curated the group, the better. If just anyone can join, again, you are in a sales funnel or you're in a bad mastermind that will soon lose all value due to poor quality. You really have to have that velvet rope of who can join. It has to be referral only. There has to be a process by which people get removed if they are not a fit. Everyone should be at a certain level of success now. If it's a relationship mastermind or something like that, fine. But I'm in masterminds that are like married guys with kids only, or guys with kids only, or guys that have a business that makes seven figures only. That's not to exclude people that aren't cool or whatever. It's because people who have businesses that generate 15 million, $20 million a year, have different problems, than a guy like me, who's like, "Hey, where do I do this? How do I do that?" There are people who are like, "I've got to lay off 150 employees," and I'm going, "Do it nicely." What am I going to contribute to that? So there are different types of masterminds. You should find one that you're a good fit in.
[00:39:12] Also, the group should be highly engaged online, highly engaged in-person. Not like there's an in-person event and out of 20 people, three people show up and go skiing and it's just a bro out camp. I didn't love Entrepreneurs' Organization (EO). It's one of the most popular mastermind clubs in the world. I know I'm not doing it justice. It's still a hundred times better than other groups I've been in. I'm in some groups right now. None of them are public. None of them are for open invitation. Those were things that I found by asking other people where I could go and do a group, do a mastermind, do an experience, and I met people through that. I wouldn't say they're so exclusive I can't talk about it per se, but they're just things that you get referred to over time by making the right kind of connections. And someone says, "Hey, you should come on this ski trip with a bunch of entrepreneurs that I'm doing. Here it is. Here's the invite. Let me see if I can get you in." That's the key.
[00:40:12] So it sounds like you're in a good group right now. If you're getting value from it, great. As long as somebody is not upselling you to the next thing. The upsells are always kind of red flags as well. So the key is to stay out of sales funnels, stay away from guru types, be in groups that encourage the members to add value. So if the guys in your group, women in your group are running workshops individually, that's great. In guru-led bullcrap, fake masterminds, other leaders are not encouraged to emerge because they don't want these subgroups to form and question the value of the funnel that you're in. So that's a red flag. And if there are upsells like, "Oh, well you're in the mastermind, but you're not in the inner-inner circle mastermind. That's $10,000 a year." Stay away from stuff like that. Every group that I'm in, that's it. The trips are extra. If you want to go to Jackson Hole and go skiing. Okay, fine, you've got to pay for that. But if it's like, "Well, you're not in the cool, cool kids. That's extra money." You're in a sales funnel and get out.
[00:41:09] So, those are my sort of mastermind tips. When I refer to masterminds, I'm usually talking about the guru-led, large group awareness training, sales funnel type stuff. That's where I throw some stank on it when I'm referring to masterminds. I don't talk about masterminds that much because although they've been a value to me, it's so hard to find a good one. Although I just gave you kind of my rubric, I'm hesitant to refer people most of the time, because I would say that nine out of 10 masterminds are a sales funnel. They're not a real mastermind. So I just -- I tend to poo-poo the whole idea, even though I'm partaking in a few of myself, which might be a little hypocritical, now that I'm thinking about it. Anyway, enough about me. What's next?
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:41:47] Hello, Jordan and team. I'm fairly new at my company, just five months in and I work with a lot of sensitive client information. There have been three times when I, for sure, messed something up, gave an incorrect total, forgot to include a parameter, which altered results, that kind of thing. This is out of the hundreds of metrics I provide to the directors, but because of the sensitivity of client information and how we use it, it really should be accurate. My question is: how should I go about failure when it could jeopardize how others think of me? I want the higher-ups to trust me. And I want to acknowledge those times when I did screw up. Do I just go for consistency and learn from those mistakes? I am all about moving forward from mistakes, but when it comes to my career, as opposed to say my personal life, it feels pretty significant. Thanks for all the consistency and hard work you all are awesome. Building on Blenders.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:35] All right. Well, this is also a great question. I think owning mistakes is something that has been a painfully slow process for me personally. And it can actually depend largely on the environment that I'm in. I've worked in companies where if you made even an imagined mistake, somebody would jump down your throat, use it against you later on. I've also worked in companies where if you made a mistake and he told everyone, everyone just kind of got ahead of it. It was not a big deal. It was forgotten within the hour, other than maybe to find out what systems could be put in place to stop it from happening again. I don't know. I think he's talking more about people who've had real jobs though, Gabe -- so not people who run a lifestyle business from their kitchen islands. So I'm going to defer to you here.
Gabriel Mizrahi: [00:43:14] Well, first of all, I would make a little mental shift here. You are new at your job. You are still learning. Your job is to do a great job, but your real job is to learn how to do a great job. So I would give yourself that permission. First of all, allow yourself that room. There's nothing worse than somebody who makes mistakes and doesn't acknowledge them or learn from them. Those people are annoying. And they're really difficult to manage. They're also super awkward to work with. I don't know if you guys have ever worked with somebody who will not own up to their mistakes, but it's way more awkward than somebody who messes up some KPI and goes like, "Whoops, that's my bad. I used the wrong ratio. Sorry about that. Let me fix that and get back to you ASAP. That won't happen again." That's the person that I'd want to work with. That's definitely the person I'd want to promote. So to your main question, yes, I would commit to embracing your mistakes. If you're messing up here and there, your managers are going to notice that's normal. That's just work. So. If you don't acknowledge your mistakes, they'll notice them. And if you do acknowledge your mistakes, they'll still notice them. So the difference in how they perceive those mistakes is how you respond to them. So I would say, yeah, go for consistency. Learn from your mistakes. Don't pretend like they're not happening. Don't act like they're not a big deal. You don't have to overblow them either. I would just acknowledge them, figure out what went wrong, and commit to doing a better in the future. Because if you downplay mistakes or sweep them under the rug, even if they're small, even if they're the kind of things you could get away with, you will eventually be seen as somebody who doesn't want to take ownership. And there is nothing worse than that.
[00:44:32] But here's the catch, you have to actually learn from these mistakes. You can't just be like, "Oops, another mistake classic me," and then go on with your life. That's not true accountability. That's just empty transparency. To really get better and avoid mistakes, to Jordan's point, you got to create systems and habits that will prevent those mistakes from happening in the future. So don't just acknowledge the mistake, use them to grow. It could be a checklist of things to confirm before you hand something in. You know, a process where you review it with your team, or you have a meeting with your colleagues before you submit a deck or whatever, whatever works for you. And if there's stuff you need to learn, then create a plan to learn it, whatever it is, courses other colleagues do some research on the Internet. But if you do all that and you make mistakes and you fix them and you learn from them, then you're pretty much golden. Like everybody messes up, but really good teammates, in my opinion, take ownership of their mistakes and use them to grow. So if you do that, I think you're bulletproof.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:19] Hope you all enjoy that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week, a link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Go back and check out the guests from this week. If you want to know how we get all these great guests on the show, it's all about systems and tiny habits. Check out our Six-Minute Networking course, which is free. That's on a Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com/course. Don't kick the can down the road. Don't do it later. The number one mistake I see students and entrepreneurs make is postponing this. Not digging the well before they get thirsty. Once you need relationships, you are too late. The drills take just a few minutes a day. This is the type of habit that we ignore only at our own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. You can find it all for free at jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger, you can also add me on LinkedIn. It's a great way to get ahold of me, engaged with the show. And videos of our interviews and this Feedback Friday are on our YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube.
[00:46:18] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. Thanks, Gabe, for your sage advice and question curation today. The episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty, additional voiceover by Peter Oldring, music by Evan Viola. Keeps sending in those questions to email@example.com. Our advice and opinions, and those of our guests are their own. And I'm not a shrink, I'm not a therapist. I have no clinical authority. I cannot give you specific treatment recommendations. I can only share what I've learned on my own and with my team. And I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you've heard on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please do share it with somebody who can use the advice that we gave here today. Lots more in store for 2020. Very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
Moby: [00:47:18] I grew up in arguably the wealthiest town in the United States, Darien, Connecticut. But my mom and I were on food stamps and welfare. My first punk rock show was to an audience of one dog. And my first electronic music show was to Miles Davis.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:33] "I wanted to stop the show and patiently explained to the movie stars and the beautiful people that they'd made a mistake. They were celebrating me, but I was nothing. I was a kid from Connecticut to wear second-hand clothes in the front seat of his mom's car while she cried and tried to figure out where she could borrow money to buy groceries. Now, it was 1999. I was an insecure has-been, but we kept playing and the celebrities kept dancing and cheering."
Moby: [00:47:55] The weird thing is things started to go wrong when I stopped feeling that way. 1999, I thought that my career had ended.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:03] Yeah.
Moby: [00:48:04] My mom had died of cancer. I was battling substance abuse problems. I was battling panic attacks. I'd lost my record deal. And I was making this one last album and I was like, "Okay, I'll make this album, I'll put it out. I'll move back to Connecticut. I got a job teaching philosophy at some community college." And then all of a sudden, the world embraced me. I handled fame and wealth really disastrously. It was so humiliating. I wouldn't trade any of it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:37] For more from Moby, including how he bounced back from a 400 drink per month booze habit, check out episode 196 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.
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