The pedophile psychopath who lives across the street has made your life hell for more than a decade, to say nothing of the catastrophic damage he’s caused to your loved ones and the community. But how can you prove it to the authorities who continue to protect him? We’ll try to find a resolution to this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- The pedophile psychopath who lives across the street has made your life hell for more than a decade, to say nothing of the catastrophic damage he’s caused to your loved ones and the community. But how can you prove it to the authorities? [Special thanks to Thomas Erikson and George Grant for helping us with this one!]
- When you’ve finally found a partner who could be “The One” with whom you see yourself starting a family at the same time you’ve finally found your dream job — nine hours away — how do you choose between them? Or is there a way you don’t have to?
- Your friend at school has only been in the country for three years and struggles with English, so you help him every night with his homework. The problem is, this leaves you with no free time to pursue extracurriculars or even get a full night’s sleep during the week. How can you set boundaries that are reasonable for both of you?
- At your corporate job, you regularly have to report to people who are senior to you. How do you strike the right balance between confidence and humility without being either cocky or unsure of yourself?
- Someone taking our free Six-Minute Networking course wants to know: how can you grow your network through cold contacts?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
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Miss the conversation we had with Gift of Fear author and security legend Gavin de Becker? Catch up with episode 329: Gavin de Becker | The Gift of Fear Part One here!
Resources from This Episode:
- James Jani | Repelling the Law of Attraction Myth | Jordan Harbinger
- Mike Massimino | Unlocking Science Secrets with an Unlikely Spaceman | Jordan Harbinger
- Signs You’re Not Well-Liked at Work (and What to Do About It) | Jordan Harbinger
- At Home Connected Fitness | WRKOUT
- Thomas Erikson | How to Protect Yourself from Psychopaths | Jordan Harbinger
- Surrounded by Psychopaths: How to Protect Yourself from Being Manipulated and Exploited in Business by Thomas Erikson | Amazon
- George Grant | Instagram
- Deter, Detect, Delay, Defend: 4 Steps to Better Security | Gunnebo
- Home Security Systems | SimpliSafe
- TASER Self-Defense (Use Promo Code JORDAN for 15 Percent Off!)
- How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome | Deep Dive | Jordan Harbinger
- Six-Minute Networking
Trouble Runs Deep with the Neighborhood Creep | Feedback Friday (Episode 517)
Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. Today, I'm here with my Feedback Friday producer, my crony in consultation, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan — crony huh? today, well, all right. You know, I'll take it. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people. And we turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. So the idea is to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how our guests, these amazing people think and behave. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker, which is in short supply these days. We want to help you get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.
[00:00:45] If you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. If you're new to the show or you want to introduce somebody else to the show, check out our starter packs. These are collections of favorite episodes or popular episodes organized by topic, to help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show. So go to jordanharbinger.com/start to get started or to help somebody else get started.
[00:01:16] This week on the show, we had James Jani. He's a YouTuber. We wanted to debunk of some common scams and scammy thinking such as new thought aka the law of attraction. You've seen The Secret. It's garbage, it is. The secret is that they want to take all your money by telling you weird stuff that makes no sense. So we're going to debunk a little bit of that. There's a lot of rubbish, that predatory fake gurus and coaches and MLMs used to take your money. We also had astronaut Mike Massimino here on the show. We discuss spacewalks, fixing the Hubble space telescope, as well as some very close calls about things that can go horribly, horribly wrong out in space, possibly kill you, or just ruin multimillion-dollar space missions.
[00:01:58] I also, right every so often on the blog, my latest post, signs you are not truly well-liked at work and what to do about it. We knew this might ruffle some feathers. That's the point. A lot of the time, the way we judge our standing in the workplace, it's based on indicators that don't really tell us the full story. These are maybe more important signs. These subtler signs that you are truly liked, valued, respected at work. And those are the indicators that you should be focusing on. We get into all of that in this piece, along with how to change the way people see you in the workplace. I highly recommend checking that one out that's at jordanharbinger.com/articles. Make sure you've had a look and listen to all that. And Gabe, that post was inspired by some of these folks asking us why they got passed up for promotions, you know, or why people they hired got promoted and are now their boss. Never a good feeling, right? So make sure you've had a look and to listen to everything we created for you here this week.
[00:02:51] By the way, I've been meaning to tell you guys this for a while, but my friend Curtis Christopherson, he launched this personal training service. This has been game-changing for me. I wanted to share it with all of you because he is now taking it out of beta. There's 250 spots opening up. I've mentioned a few times that I've hired a personal trainer three days a week since last December. I wish I'd done it sooner because it's helped me, not just like lose a little bit of the dad bod, but it's helped me so much with mobility and helped me get stronger. Not just like the bench press way, but the get up off the floor and play with my kid way. I used to not really even be able to kneel down that easily because I'm so tight. I was like, almost like an old man. My trainer is so knowledgeable. I'll tell him, "Hey, I've got a little tightness in my neck and it's like going down my back," and he'll tell me where to roll out what stretches to do, what exercises to do. We'll go through that. And it's a virtual training. You know, I'm not getting in the car. I'm not going somewhere. It's just on my iPad and they'll utilize whatever equipment you already have. In my case, none, except for — recently, I bought some rollers and some balls and stuff like that.
[00:03:53] So for me, I started out with body weight exercises that require little to no equipment. I got so much more flexible, so much more mobile, so much stronger. They don't make you barf every session. You know what I mean? It's not super hard. It's actually really fun. I look forward to it all the time, which I never thought I would do. They're over a hundred trainers on the platform. It's in Canada. You can do it in the US, the UK, anywhere. You can join now at wrkout.com, but it's W-R-K-O-U-T.com. So Wrkout without the first O.
[00:04:22] Once you've registered there, you will be invited to work out. Remember it's Wrkout, W-R-K-O-U-T. And it's open to 250 spots. I don't think that's going to be a lot. It sounds like a lot, but I think it's going to fill up and register now for the release on June 7th. I'd love to hear back from you on this. They're not a sponsor of the show. It's just something I really, really loved that has helped me out a ton. And you can take advantage of that Canadian US dollar exchange rate as well. Sorry, Canadians, but it's worked out really well. Again. I love this. It's been so life-changing. I wish I'd done it years ago. W-R-K-O-U-T.com. Let me know if you end up signing up.
[00:04:57] All right. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? I know we got to doozy up in Q1.
[00:05:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe! Almost 10 years ago, I became the guardian to two girls aged 12 and 14, who were severely abused by their father and his best friend. Suddenly, my neighbor across the street, who I had known casually for a decade, began asking if my girls could come hang out with his daughters. He's a divorced dad with weekend visits. But the situation quickly escalated to him wanting to spend time just with the girls, alarm bells were going off, but we had a very bad therapist at the time who defended him. And he was a Disneyland dad. Everything was fun. So the girls enjoyed spending time with him. I later learned that he had been undermining my relationship with them the entire time. He told them I was a crazy bitch. And eventually, usually the older girl who was dealing with recovered memories of her father's abuse, she had a total breakdown. Again, their therapist blamed me. Luckily, the department of children and families saw through it and banned him from having contact with the girls but my relationship with them was badly damaged. Eventually, I had to go to court and get permanent restraining orders because he would sneak around to see them behind my back.
[00:06:01] Jordan Harbinger: This is so creepy. Just like I want to pause for a second here. This is a grown man in the neighborhood, trying to hang out with teenage girls at the time 12 and 14, slightly older and separate them from one of the only adult females that they trust.
[00:06:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah.
[00:06:18] Jordan Harbinger: These are already foster kids, right? So this is so evil and so freaking creepy. And I know it's going to get worse. So continue.
[00:06:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: At that point, he began targeting me. For an entire summer, he sat at the end of his driveway in a chair. So I couldn't leave my house or walk my dog without encountering him. I won't go through the list of harassing acts that he committed, but he was relentless. He also recruited the girl's father, his friends, and other neighbors to help him harass me. I never responded or reacted. Then two years ago, he finally got his hands, literally, on the youngest. She went through a bad breakup and without my knowledge, the neighbor convinced her to come live with him. Because she was 19, I had no options except to report him for violating the restraining order. But just a few weeks later, she moved back into her parents' house and committed suicide. I later learned that she had tried several times while living at the neighbor's house and that at least two different people there witnessed him sexually abusing her. It was devastating.
[00:07:10] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my God. This is horrible.
[00:07:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Since then, he's continued his harassment. A few months after her death, I found pictures of both girls when they were younger, thrown on the ground, outside my back door, pictures that he has on his Instagram. So I knew that he was the one who did it. Then two weeks before the anniversary of the youngest suicide, I found a decapitated squirrel at my back door. A friend paid for me to get cameras around my property, but I'm terrified of this guy. I cannot, and I will not move. I could go to court and get a non-harassment order, but I need proof of three incidents intended to terrorize. I don't have that. And I don't want to start the process of court battles with him again. Mostly, I just want him to leave me alone. I've also learned recently of other girls he has targeted starting decades ago. And now, he has a granddaughter and posts pictures of her in bed with him with no shirt on a regular basis. He is going to hurt that little girl. But until an actual victim comes forward, there is no way to prove that he is abusing teenage girls. So do you have any advice for me? Signed, A Struggling Mama Bear.
[00:08:09] Jordan Harbinger: I feel like crap saying this game every single week. It's like, how can it get crazier than this? And then the next week, it does. And it's just—
[00:08:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: Tell me about it.
[00:08:16] Jordan Harbinger: —unbelievable. I mean, it's hard to even have a crazy Olympics, but it sure seems like we are.
[00:08:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. What a world. That's insane.
[00:08:24] Jordan Harbinger: Well, listen, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You sound like a really caring person. You took these two girls in from obviously a horrible situation. I mean, people don't end up in foster care because they want to live in a place with a view, right? So you tried to give them the best possible home. And then another absolute monster gets to them. It's just beyond heartbreaking. And honestly, this stuff starts to make me angry too. It starts to just piss me off. And I'm so sorry about your youngest daughter that has got to be one of the most painful things you can go through as a parent or as a guardian. And I can't even imagine this as a father of a two-year-old, an almost two-year-old. There are just no words. The fact that you're still living there, you're tolerating the psychopath POS living across the street. It's pretty remarkable. I don't know if it's smart. I don't know if it'll change things, but it is remarkable. And I hear a lot of courage and resilience in your letter, and those are admirable qualities.
[00:09:17] The question Gabe and I are asking ourselves is what's the best use of those qualities. So the first person we consulted was with Thomas Erikson, behavioral expert, author of the book, Surrounded by Psychopaths. He was on the show recently, episode 465. I highly recommend listening to it if you want a solid introduction to the psychopaths mindset. And Thomas, he confirmed something you already know, which is that psychopaths are often free to cause as much damage as they want. And the reason for this is the authorities can't do much if a psychopath isn't breaking the law. Like sitting in his — by the way, so weird sitting in his driveway at the end with a chair for a whole summer. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this guy? Well, he's a psychopath, but—
[00:10:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Super creepy.
[00:10:02] Jordan Harbinger: So creepy, just so weird. Dropping some photos at your door of your dead daughter and her sister. It's just so freaking crazy. If there's no evidence of a crime that would hold up in court, the authorities can't do anything. And as Thomas pointed out, the problem is it's not illegal to be a psychopath. It's not illegal to be a piece of crap. Plus every confrontation a psychopath has with the police just teaches him what he can and cannot do. The police want to help but what they usually end up doing is educating the psychopath about the boundaries within the system. Then he uses that new information to manipulate and terrorize his target in new ways.
[00:10:41] That said, Thomas also confirmed that you not responding or reacting to this maniac, absolutely, the right thing to do. Because every time somebody challenges a psychopath, there's a very real risk that things will get worse. Because psychopaths, they generally don't think in terms of consequences, they don't back down saying, "Oh, I'm going to sue your ass," or, "I'm going to get a court order. Watch your back. I'm coming after you." They just don't care. They don't have the ability to care. They generally don't plan ahead, but they're pretty confident they can get away with whatever they're doing. They're usually not masterminds of any kind. Don't get me wrong. They're just damaged and they don't consider the consequences because they are damaged.
[00:11:18] So given all that, what are you supposed to do? Do you keep the peace and just hope he leaves you alone? Or do you go full Liam Neeson and use a very special set of skills to take this guy down for good? Well, Thomas's recommendation is this: unless you have the ambition and the risk appetite of a vigilante, and you decide to deal with this guy yourself, which I don't know if that's possible without doing something super dangerous or outright criminal, then you should seriously consider moving away. I know you said you cannot will not move, but you have to consider this option.
[00:11:48] And look, I understand, I get it. Money's a factor. I know there's an emotional bond with your home. Everyone has this. I'm sure the thought of moving away makes you feel like this guy has won, but are those good reasons to keep putting yourself in jeopardy? How much would it be worth to you to wake up in the morning and not have to wonder if there's a freaking decapitated squirrel in your mailbox or on your doorstep? I mean, I know what I'm doing in your shoes, I'm moving. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do, according to Thomas — and this is his stance on any situation involving a psychopath — is walk away, put as much distance between you and this monster as possible, end of story.
[00:12:26] To be honest though, yes, I would probably move, but I might also, you know, make a few calls first. We've had a few unsavory characters here on the show. I know it's a bad idea, right? I get it. And there's a part of me that just realizes I'm probably fantasizing about this, but look, there's something so repulsive about letting these pieces of shit win. Although they've lost at life if they're in this situation in the first place. You know, somebody who is a psychopath that has damaged relationships to everyone around them, they're not exactly super happy people. I don't even know if they, I have the ability to really be happy if they're causing this much damage around them. So I kind of frame it that way. You don't want to get mixed up with them.
[00:13:03] Gabe, there's an analogy here, right? I'm not going to formulate it well enough on the fly, but you just can't deal with these people without getting dirty. Right? You just can't wrestle a pig without getting covered in crap, I think is kind of where I'm going with this.
[00:13:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. There's always a blow back. There's always a risk. It's a bad cycle. And I'm with Thomas here. The second that I know there's a psychopath across the street who's after me, who has done damage to the people in my life — you better believe, I'm going on Zillow, man. I'm just browsing studio apartments, three towns over so I can get a way.
[00:13:33] Jordan Harbinger: I know we wish we all could just pull a Liam Neeson, but we're not Liam Neeson. Also Liam Neeson in real life, probably a really nice guy, if he pulls one of his special set of skills, he's going to prison, right? Probably faster than the perps he's trying to take out. It's just not worth it.
[00:13:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. But look, if you're dead set on staying where you are, then you'll need to take some serious measures to protect yourself. So the next person we talked to was George Grant, executive security manager at a Fortune 40 company, friend of the show. George has run personal protection for high net worth families. He really knows his stuff. And George's first observation was this: this is a long-term situation at and around your home where your neighbor, this guy he's been in close contact with you guys for many, many years. That means that he's had access to a ton of information, your routine, what you think of him, where you live, where you work, your security posture at home, for example, whether you lock the back door, stuff like that. I mean, who knows this guy might've even stolen a key to your home years ago when one of the girls lost her key on the way home or something like that. So any access that he would've wanted to have, he probably has, which means that if he wants to harass you, he can do so in a number of ways, creative ways, basically until he's caught.
[00:14:43] Now, George's first thought when we told him your story, it was basically find a way to get out of this situation stat — in other words, move. And I'm just flagging that. So you know, that two different experts are now saying this. Obviously, it's your call to make, we're not going to harp on it, but we really, really are urging you to reconsider that option. But if you do stay put, then George recommends layering on several methods of security to hit, what he called the 4 D's deter, detect, and delay this guy, and then defend yourself if necessary.
[00:15:10] So let's start with deter. To make it hard for this guy to target you, he recommends using the buddy system when you're out and about. Avoid being alone, vary your routine, and make sure that you always have someone house sit for you if you're going to be out of town or something like that. I mean, Jordan, I don't know how you ask a friend to house sit for you in a situation like this.
[00:15:27] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:15:27] Gabriel Mizrahi: "Hey, can you water the plants while I'm down in Florida. You can just ignore the decapitated squirrels on the welcome mat every morning. That's just Ted from across the street. Don't forget the deadbolt."
[00:15:37] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:15:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: I don't know how you—
[00:15:39] Jordan Harbinger: "Oh yeah, you know, he's actually a psychopath. So you're going to want to just avoid them. Don't try and make friends."
[00:15:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: "Yeah, yeah, stay inside. Don't stand alone at the lawn. Okay, see you soon."
[00:15:47] Jordan Harbinger: "Feel free to have any of the beer in the fridge though. I'm never going to drink that."
[00:15:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: In terms of detecting, I'm glad that you installed those cameras. George also recommends getting a home security system for your doors, for your windows, extra protection. We talk about that a lot, actually.
[00:16:00] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, we do. It's really important and far be it for me to let a squirrel decapitating psychopath question go by without shamelessly plugging, simplisafe.com/jordan, SimpliSafe sending psychopath squirrel killers to prison since 2015, simplisafe.com/jordan.
[00:16:16] So getting back up to George's recommendations — that's Simpli with an I — getting back to George's recommendations. To delay this guy, get in the habit of using your deadbolt and knob lock on your front and back doors. I know that seems so obvious. You'd be so surprised how many people I know that live anywhere, even in sketchy neighborhoods. And they're like, "Oh yeah, that's kind of a pain. It's a little rusty." Or the lock is from like 1955. And all you need is a credit card to pop it open, go to Home Depot and get a better one. There are recommendations from the people that work there. There are reviews online. There are much more secure locks that you can find. There are also items that you can put underneath the doors so that even if they try and kick the door in, it's tough, to make sure your doors are solid cores. There's a lot of security recommendations we can make here, but close all the doors in your home at night. And when you leave that just prevents somebody from having unimpeded movement in the house.
[00:17:09] In other words, when you're home at night, all the doors shut between sort of you, anyone else in the house. That means when somebody comes in through the kitchen, they got opened den and they got opened the door at the top of the stairs. You hear things and they can't just run through the house, which is a scary thought.
[00:17:23] Finally defending yourself. George's advice, do not get a gun or a weapon of any kind, if you do not sincerely plan on training with it, but you should consider a good can of OC pepper spray or a Taser Pulse, which is basically a civilian version of a taser, taser.com promo code Jordan. I know it's ridiculous that we're plugging sponsors, but they are accurate here. taser.com, use the code Jordan for a discount.
[00:17:46] Personally, I highly recommend firearm training, especially now that there are no children in the house, but you to train with it, don't just buy it and keep it under your bed and try and figure out how to load the dang thing while you're shaking and freaked out. That's not going to work. And if you're not going to train with it, don't get it. You're just going to cause a hazard to yourself and others. It can cause far more harm than good if you don't know what you're doing.
[00:18:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: So that's how we'd protect ourselves. But if you really want this situation to change, then you might have to step things up here a little bit, because right now you're digging your heels in. You're saying you absolutely will not move. I hear you, but then you're also saying that you can't get a non harassment order because you don't have enough proof. And you don't want to start the process of court battles with him again. You just want him to leave you alone, but given what this guy has done to you and your family and all these other people, there's just no reason to believe that he will.
[00:18:34] So if you're absolutely determined to stay put, then you either have to be willing to tolerate this guy's abuse, which is obviously terrifying and obviously unjust, or you have to get more proactive. And it's not just your life at stake here. Now, he probably has a sight set on his granddaughter. I mean, who knows who else? It sounds to me like you feel some degree of responsibility for this guy's victims. But if that's really the case, then you should be using every resource at your disposal.
[00:18:59] So we recommend documenting everything that this guy says and does to you if you're not doing this already, the photos, the squirrel, the mad dogging you from the driveway, any phone calls or texts, notes. The other people he's recruited to harass you, all of that. I would definitely be gathering evidence of those three incidents intended to terrorize. You've already got at least one with the squirrel, I'm assuming if you can prove it. The photos sound pretty damning. Because that non-harassment order, that could be a huge help, especially if the police did ever show up, they'd start to get the picture much more quickly if there's a non-harassment order on file already and they can read the details and see that there's a real history here.
[00:19:34] And then I would book a call with an attorney. They can advise you on how to take out a protection order or a restraining order for yourself and how to do all of that legally discreetly. And then if he ever violated that order, that would almost certainly result in immediate arrest and criminal charges. But here's the thing, if you fight back here, you have to wonder if this guy's just going to terrorize you even more. I'm concerned that he will. And that goes back to Thomas's point, do you really want to do battle with the psychopath? Or would you just be better off moving?
[00:20:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's really what you need to decide. This guy's terrifying. And sadly, I just don't see him backing off now. Remember, this is sometimes the only thing these people have in their lives that gets them excited emotionally, which is sad, pathetic, and disgusting. So unless you can find a way to send them to prison for a long, long time, I would consider getting the heck out of there. On the other hand, I get that you don't want to be scared off, but then you can't sit around hoping the police will haul them off, or fate's going to intervene in your behalf. If you're going to put this guy away, you're going to have to make some moves like Gabe was saying. Because this middle ground that you're taking, I just don't think that's going to make him want to leave you alone.
[00:20:37] Either move and build a new life far away from this guy, or get proactive and build a case with an attorney's help. That's our advice. Take care of yourself. Stay safe. We are thinking about you and — Gabe, I may have said this before, but these are really the kind of people. I wouldn't mind if they ended up a smear in the street or, you know, falling off of a high surface. The world is better off without these crazy, malignant, cancerous, toxic, dangerous people. It's just horrible.
[00:21:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: I agreed.
[00:21:06] Jordan Harbinger: By the way, you can reach us for Feedback Friday — send us your psycho problems firstname.lastname@example.org. Please keep your emails as concise as you can. Try to use the descriptive subject line, including the state and country you live in if possible. That'll help us give you more detailed advice if we can. If there's something you're going through, a big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff, life, love, work, whether to call the cops on your heroin addicted brother, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up email@example.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous.
[00:21:40] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.
[00:21:44] This episode is sponsored in part by ZipRecruiter. If you're a business owner who's hiring, you probably face a lot of challenges when it comes to finding the right person for your role, not enough applicants with the right skills or experience, too many resumes to sort through, how to make the job posting that reaches the right people. Need I go on? Maybe worse than dating, hiring can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sure, you can post your job to some board, but then all you do is just pray that the right person comes along, which is why you should try ZipRecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com/jordan. When you post a job on ZipRecruiter, it gets sent out to over a hundred top job sites with the ease of one click, then ZipRecruiter's futuristic matching technology, finds people with the right skills and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. In fact, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quick quality candidate within the first day. It's no wonder over 2.3 million businesses have come to ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs.
[00:22:39] Jen Harbinger: So while other companies overwhelm you with way too many options, ZipRecruiter finds you what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this website. Ziprecruiter.com/jordan. Once again, remember to go to ziprecruiter.com/J-O-R-D-A- N. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.
[00:22:59] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Better Help. All human beings struggled from time to time. We're always changing, going through the ups and downs of life, depending on our current circumstances, and many other variables. Therapy is a great place to learn about yourself, understand your past, and how it impacts your current life decisions and set goals. We exercise to stay physically fit, to keep our bodies on the right path. Why not do the same for our minds and hearts? Plus consider other successful individuals if you're at a loss. Maybe throw me in that camp. You know, I've had help from coaches, mentors, psychologists. The top athletes you have on the show, the executives, the Nobel prize winners — nobody does it in a vacuum, right? And if you're having trouble meeting your goals, difficulty with relationships, trouble sleeping, you're feeling stressed, depressed, Better Help is available. Better Help offers licensed online professionals who are trained to listen and help. You can get hooked up in a couple of days and it's all online on your phone. You don't need to drive. You don't need to park. You don't need to sit in an awkward waiting room.
[00:23:54] Jen Harbinger: Our listeners get 10 percent off your first month at betterhealth.com/jordan. Visit better-H-E-L-P.com/jordan and join over a million people who've taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced Better Help professional.
[00:24:07] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored in part by Upstart. When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. High interest rates resulting in minimum monthly payments keeps you in an endless cycle of debt by design. Upstart can help you get ahead. Are you carrying a credit card balance month after month? You're not the only one. Join thousands of happy borrowers who have made that final payment. Do you dread looking at your credit card statement every month? Well, who doesn't? I don't blame you. Upstart can lift that weight off your shoulders so that you can finally feel the relief of being free of credit card debt. Whether it's paying off credit cards, consolidating high interest debt or funding personal expenses, over half a million people have used Upstart to get a simple fixed monthly payment. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, like your income, your employment history. That means they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners.
[00:24:53] Jen Harbinger: Find out how upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com/jordan. That's upstart.com/jordan. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information provided in your loan application. Go to upstart.com/jordan.
[00:25:12] Jordan Harbinger: And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:25:17] All right, next up.
[00:25:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey guys, I've just been offered a great new government job that comes with a pretty significant pay increase. The downside is that it's nine hours away from where I live now, a city that I love, where I've built a great community—
[00:25:29] Jordan Harbinger: Plenty of time to catch up on this podcast while you're in the car. Nine-hour commute? I love it!
[00:25:34]Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm assuming she's going to move for this job.
[00:25:36] Jordan Harbinger: That makes sense. That's wise.
[00:25:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Can you imagine driving nine hours for a job?
[00:25:42] Jordan Harbinger: Great job though. Really good benefits.
[00:25:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: It would be great for the sponsors, yeah.
[00:25:45] Jordan Harbinger: Their insurance plan includes acupuncture, so it's worth it.
[00:25:48] Gabriel Mizrahi: But it would allow me to grow in my career and give me security, which is very important to me. The problem is that I met a really sweet guy one month ago, and I'm crazy about him. He is thoughtful. He's kind, he's caring, respectful, driven, and our values align perfectly. I am more myself with this guy than with anyone. I've never felt like this with somebody before. When I got the job offer, I was ecstatic at first. Then I found myself sobbing at the thought of moving nine hours away from my new boyfriend. He's in the army for the next two and a half years. After that he could get stationed anywhere. He wants me to do what's best for me. And he would do the long distance thing, but he also said, "God, I don't want you to go." The other piece of the puzzle is my current job. My current job is super flexible with great work-life balance. And it's given me a lot of opportunities to grow, but it's become stagnant during COVID. I also make less than I could at a lot of other places. And it's less stable because it relies on grant-based funding. The thing is I've always wanted to find my person and have a family. I'm 29 and I 100 percent want to be home cooking dinner and having babies. When that didn't happen, I dove into my career and I've been doing really well. And this guy though, I'm just going to say it. I could see myself marrying him. I have dated dozens of guys and he has a gem. So how do I make this decision? Signed, Calculating This Opportunity Cost as My Opportunities Cross.
[00:27:03] Jordan Harbinger: Well, congratulations on the great job offer and on finding such a special guy. I know it is stressful having to make this choice, but let's just recognize that this is actually a really great problem to have. You've landed an amazing job. You've attracted an awesome partner and you're clearly doing something right. These opportunity costs, these irreconcilable choices, they're really the downside to having such a full life kind of sucks, but I think it's ultimately a good sign, so best to look at it like that.
[00:27:32] So how do you make a choice like this? Well, there are four different variables at play here. There's your current job, which is unstable, but flexible. There's your current city, which you feel connected to. Then there's the new job which will challenge you and give you security. And then there's this new guy who will probably/possibly give you the life and the family that you want. So not an easy choice to make by any means, but I think what's making it harder for you is that all of these variables hold a similar weight in your mind. And at a certain point, you're just going to have to decide which of these things is most important to you right now and weigh them accordingly.
[00:28:08] So if settling down and having children is a top priority, then that might be a great reason to stay close to your boyfriend. But if you still want to grow in your career and have some money in your pocket before you settle down, then maybe this new job is the way to go. I obviously cannot answer these questions for you. You're going to have to do some soul searching. Although you do sound pretty intent on having a family, so it seems to me like that might be your north star, and I don't want to shift your opinion here. You've got to really sit down and think about this yourself. I wouldn't even ask other people's opinions on it until you've made some decisions because you don't want to get steered in a direction based on what other people want for you.
[00:28:46] That said it can also be tempting to create problems that aren't there yet to magnify these opportunity costs. For example, maybe you take the job for a year or two. You do a long distance thing for a little while. It's a nine-hour drive. That's a pretty short flight. Maybe you guys take turns doing that once a month, maybe it'll force you to work harder to stay connected, and that might even make you closer in the long run, more resilient. In fact, Jen and I did long distance in the very beginning of our relationship, just due to a confluence of factors. And then I eventually moved to where she was. It was a pain, it cost me a few thousand dollars in flights and hotels. That's how it was.
[00:29:20] Also you're 29, I'm guessing you still have a little time to work with here. You could take the job for a year or two, settled down after that. You guys just met. It'll still be several months, at least before you settle in, get engaged, get married, get pregnant. You don't want to rush that stuff. And all of that should not be happening tomorrow. Plus with so much work staying remote right now, I wonder if you could negotiate to do your job remotely after six months or a year of just killing it, right. And that won't be as much of a trade off at that point.
[00:29:48] I guess what I'm saying is be open here. Get creative. Yes, you do have a choice to make, but opportunity cost of that decision, it doesn't have to be as huge or as permanent as it probably feels right now. If you're anything like me at age 29, everything seems more permanent and a bigger deal than it actually ended up being. And I know I can't convince you of that right now, but just keep it in mind — trust me. Everything when you're younger in your 20s and even 30s, you're like, "Oh, this is huge. This is going to be a major, major life change. There's no going back." And then a few years later, you're like, "Why did I think moving five hours, nine hours north, was going to be a problem." It almost doesn't make anything that much harder. You just have to change the delivery options in DoorDash, you know, especially now with technology, these moves are really not that serious a lot of the time.
[00:30:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: You think she's a DoorDash gal or like a Grubhub gal?
[00:30:38] Jordan Harbinger: I hope she's a DoorDash gal look. I mean, I don't know. None of them are sponsors, so you know what? I don't care.
[00:30:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm with you if she designs things the right way, this move could totally be doable in some weird way. It might bring them closer together. That said, I do feel like we need to acknowledge something else here, Jordan. And I really don't mean to rain on your parade, but this is still a very new relationship. It's been a month.
[00:30:59] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:31:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: Look sometimes when you know, you know, and that's amazing. That's wonderful, right? But you might want to give yourself just a little more time to settle into this relationship before you make any major life decisions around it. I mean, You guys are still getting to know each other. You're obviously in that super exciting, intoxicating, almost manic stage of falling in love, which is appropriate.
[00:31:20] Jordan Harbinger: Honeymoon phase, right?
[00:31:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: Honeymoon phase. That's how it should be. But you might want to find out how that feeling translates and how it settles before you give up a great job for this guy. I'm not saying that you're wrong. I'm not saying that this guy is not your person. It sounds like he is. I'm just saying maybe give yourself a little bit more time with him. You'll see things a little bit more clearly after three months than you are now after just four weeks.
[00:31:41] Jordan Harbinger: So I agree in principle here, Gabe, but also look, I see your point, but she's also dated dozens of guys, and this is the only one who's ever really gotten her, right? She's obviously in love. Is she supposed to walk away from that for a job that pays her a little better? Also when I met Jen, I was like, "This is the one for sure." Definitely honeymoon phase kind of BS right there. That said, I think people who decide too soon are usually being reckless idiots. And I think I'm lucky that when I kind of broke that rule myself, it didn't end in disaster. But bear in mind also, I didn't sign on any dotted lines or buy a house together before that period was long over with.
[00:32:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:32:17] Jordan Harbinger: I did move up north, but I kind of convinced myself I was going to do that anyway. I was going to move somewhere. It just happened to be where she ended up because one, honeymoon phase and two, it didn't really matter. You know, I realized, "Hey, I could move back. I'm renting," right? The apartment, not the girlfriend. To be clear, not Jen. I mean the place in San Francisco.
[00:32:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. And you weren't giving up a job for it as well. In this case, she's operating on limited information. I mean, the dopamine is hitting. The oxytocin is flowing. She's crazy about him. Like you were saying, that's a heady feeling.
[00:32:46] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:32:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: But that doesn't mean that this relationship is automatically going to last or that at 29 years old, she should pump the brakes on her career just because they'd have to take a 45-minute flight to see each other.
[00:32:56] Jordan Harbinger: I hear you. But this experience she's having, it might not just be a feeling. I mean, this could be her voice going, "This is your person. Don't lose him. Buy a house, have kids be happy." As a married guy, I'm sorry to pull this card on you, Gabe. I've been where she is. I think that voice, if you're not a person who's followed that voice and gotten in trouble before that voice is worth listening to, even though it could absolutely be wrong. If you've really not felt this before. And you do have a lot of experience. Those two things are important, by the way, especially because she said that what she wants more than anything is to be at home and have a bunch of babies, then pay attention to it.
[00:33:30] Now, if you're a person who constantly follows your intuition and gets in major trouble, you know, maybe your intuition kind of sucks and it's getting you in trouble. But if you are now experiencing something that you haven't before, and you've got a lot of experience under your belt, then maybe this is a good clue that it's the right decision. I just don't want to blanket a sort of credit intuition because usually people's intuition sucks.
[00:33:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. That's a great distinction to make, but absolutely she's not wrong to want any of these things. All I'm saying is maybe she can spend more than a month with that voice before she gives up a great opportunity and maybe hold that voice alongside the other voice that's going, "But I also want to be challenged and I want to be well compensated," which that's not totally unrelated to having children. Taking this job, it might make her a better partner. It might make her a better mother. It might make her a more interesting person. Like you said, she still has time.
[00:34:13] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It might limit the regret of, "Oh, if I'd only stayed in my career—" you know, if you stay in your career and you go, "This stinks, I want to be a mom and stay at home," then you've gotten it out of your system. And you're right, these are all connected. It's true. I agree. I guess that's what makes this decision so hard. Like I want her to chase her happiness, but she also might be getting ahead of herself a little bit.
[00:34:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: Just a little but also in two and a half years, he's going to be stationed somewhere else. Right? So there'll be facing this choice all over again pretty soon. So what happens then?
[00:34:40] Jordan Harbinger: I do not envy that that is a good point. One way or another, they're going to have to give something up, but you know, maybe this just becomes part of their story. She does a couple of years in a new city, and then he does a couple years in some other city. And then they finally settled down in the same place. There are practical realities that they're just going to have to accept. But if they're really in love, then I'm pretty confident that they can make this work. Welcome to relationships and compromise, right?
[00:35:03] So figure out what matters most to you. Ask yourself if you need more time or data to decide if this is your guy and if he's your top priority. And if you do take the job, remember that it won't necessarily be forever either. And look for ways to make it work for you. Like I said, kill it for a second for a year. Negotiate going remote. Maybe you book the 11:00 p.m. Southwest flight. So you can see each other without breaking the bank. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're honoring your needs and your values. And you're doing it with as much information as possible. Good luck.
[00:35:35] All right. What's next?
[00:35:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabriel. I'm in eighth grade and many people in my class, like to think of me as the walking encyclopedia.
[00:35:42] Jordan Harbinger: Man, Gabe, we're killing it in the middle school genius market. Didn't we get a question from another guy in eighth grade recently.
[00:35:48] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, we did the super smart kid who hated doing Zoom class. He wanted to take college courses, I think. I love that kid.
[00:35:54] Jordan Harbinger: Right. I think it's pretty cool. People are listening from such a young age. Everyone over 21 is rolling their eyes right now, but y'all are my future. So I got you. Thanks for listening.
[00:36:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: I just moved into a new neighborhood and I've made a few friends, but the one I hang out with the most has only been in an English speaking country for three years. As you can imagine, this creates a lot of problems for him when attending class and doing projects. He turns to me to complete assignments. And for the past two weeks, I've been staying up late to finish his projects, which is bothering my parents. I feel bad for him because he struggles with English and he's been a good person when inviting me over to his house, but I don't have any free time after school. And it seems like it's becoming a habit. So do I keep helping him? Signed, Smart Cookie Dough Spread Too Thin.
[00:36:35] Jordan Harbinger: This is really heartwarming. Honestly, what I like about this question is that a college student could be asking it and a middle-aged person could be asking it. I mean, you're not doing your friend's pre-algebra homework when you're 45 generally, but you're picking up the slack for somebody else taken on too much of their responsibility, losing sleep, losing sanity over it. That's a dynamic that can exist in any relationship at any age. And we hear that in people's letters all the time. And look, you seem like a really good friend. I'm touched by the way that you're looking out for this guy that says a lot about you. And I bet it means a lot to him and it probably feels pretty good for you to help him too. So I love it.
[00:37:12] But here's the thing, you have to be really careful about the way that you help people. Because it's not like this guy is asking you to proofread his essays once in a while and make sure that he's not misusing a word or something. You're doing his assignments, right? You're actually finishing his projects. You're losing sleep. You have no free time, which is really, really important to you and for your sanity. You said it's bothering your parents, which I'm sure it is, but I get the sense that maybe it's also bothering you a little bit.
[00:37:39] So the first thing I want to say is if you ever find yourself in a relationship where you feel a little annoyed, maybe a little taken advantage of like there isn't enough room for you anymore, pay attention to that feeling. That means something is not quite right. Either that person is asking for too much or you're taking too much on yourself, which I think is what's probably happening right now. And listen, I know you're coming from a great place here. You want to help your friends succeed and you should, but it is not fair of him to put all of this on you. You can't do all of your homework and all of his homework. You can't live your life and live his life. And in the long run, you're not truly helping this guy. I know it's hard for him to study in a foreign language. I've done it myself. But at the end of the day, he has to learn English. He has to learn how to do well in school. And you are not setting him up to succeed in the long run. If you do all of his work for him.
[00:38:31] So I would find a different way to support your friend here. You can tell him that you still want to be friends. You want to see him succeed. You're there to help him out when he needs a little extra support. Tell him you know how hard school can be, and that you really admire him for learning a new language, but you can't do his projects for him anymore. You can't stay up late finishing his work. And then if he asks you to do something for him, again, be ready to lay down the law and say something like, "Look, I'm sorry, man. I want to help, but I have to do my own homework. I have to make sure I get enough sleep. But if you have a few questions, I can try to answer them. You got this. I believe in you." You know, I would get also — by the way, I would give them advanced warning. It's going to create some bad blood if you tell them on the night before some big project is due, that you haven't done any work on it and you're not going to help them anymore. Give them a heads up so he can't blame you when the gravy train runs out, although he might blame you anyway.
[00:39:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: I agree with you, Jordan, a hundred percent. When you say something like that, bud, you're not being a bad friend. You're actually being a good friend. You're being a good friend to him and to yourself. And it's amazing that you care this much. I hope you never ever lose that quality. But sometimes being a good friend to somebody means letting them step up and do their own work like Jordan is saying, even if it's hard to see them. And one day he'll appreciate that you did that for him. And in the meantime, you got to take care of yourself.
[00:39:44] Jordan Harbinger: And I hope that helps, man. Thanks for writing in love that you're listening to the show at your age. That is awesome. It makes me feel young and hip and relevant as well. Also, this answer isn't just for the kids. I think this is great advice for anyone who is being taken advantage of at school or at work or in grad school or at a hospital. Whatever the situation, it's similar advice every time. Isn't it, Gabe? I really feel like it is.
[00:40:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. It's so fascinating how these dynamics start so young and then they just exist in every part of our lives until you know, forever, really?
[00:40:12] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.
[00:40:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's good advice.
[00:40:13] Jordan Harbinger: I also find it a little ironic that I'm sitting here being like, "Here's why you can't have your friends do your work for you." And then I'm like, "Gabe, here's a bunch of assignments for you to do for me." Look, the differences. I cut the check, right? That's the difference. I pay the monies.
[00:40:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, it's a, yeah, it's a different relationship—
[00:40:29] Jordan Harbinger: It's a job.
[00:40:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's a job, but like also these two are friends and I'm guessing that these two guys have never been in this dynamic before. I mean, I know they're young, but they're learning how, what it's like to be in this kind of relationship for the first time. So it's interesting to see them negotiate that.
[00:40:46] Jordan Harbinger: This is The Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
[00:40:51] This episode is sponsored in part by Purple Mattress. This is a true story. I bumped into my friend at the airport a long time ago. She was there with her uncle waiting with flowers and signs to meet his overseas girlfriend that he met online. Long story short, she never showed up and it wasn't real. He'd been sending her or him money and everything. It turns out she was just a con artist. Talk about an uncomfortable situation. But one thing I can always count on is how comfortable my Purple Mattress is. That's because Purple is comfort reinvented. Only Purple has the grid, a stretchy gel material. That's amazingly supportive for your back and legs while cushioning your shoulders, neck and hips. I don't know how it works. It's fantastic. Also it doesn't get all hot and sweaty. It doesn't trap air. Air just circulates and flows through it. So you're never going to feel that overheat. The grid bounces back as you move and shift. Unlike memory foam, which remembers everything. That's why memory foam has craters and divots and you can't underestimate shady mail-order brides nor the cool side of the pillow. With the Purple pillow, it always stays cool and refreshing on the cheek. It only supports the parts that need it. I like how that little grid technology just cradles my ear instead of smashing it. And right now, you can try your Purple Mattress risk-free with free shipping and returns. Financing is available too.
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[00:42:17] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored by LifeLock. A family was recently surprised to receive a change of address notification that they never requested. This is an attempt to steal their mail and gain access to a lot of personal information that cybercriminals can use to steal their identities. And it is surprisingly easy to do. It's important to understand how cybercrime and identity theft are affecting our lives because every day we put our information at risk on the Internet. In an instant, a cybercriminal can harm what's yours, your finances, your credit, your reputation. That's one of the reasons that I use LifeLock. LifeLock helps detect a wide range of identity threats. Like your social security number for sale on the dark web. I've gotten alerts for this. They've helped me remove stuff. If LifeLock detects your information has been compromised, they, of course, let you know, but also they have restoration specialists that are part of the plan. They'll help you clean it all up. If you become a victim, so you're not alone and figuring it all out and getting it all straightened out.
[00:43:11] Jen Harbinger: No one can prevent all identity theft or monitor all transactions at all businesses, but you can keep what's yours with LifeLock by Norton. Join now and save up to 25 percent off your first year at lifelock.com/jordan. That's lifelock.com/jordan for 25 percent off.
[00:43:25] Jordan Harbinger: This segment is presented to you by Hyundai in support of an incredibly important part of the live entertainment industry, small, independent venues across the country. Now COVID has impacted so many legendary venues across the US closing them down for over a year. These stages have hosted some of the biggest names in music, comedy, and theater. So it's important to us and to Hyundai that these venues remain open for future generations of artists and fans. And so many people relied on podcasts during COVID. No complaints from me, obviously. But I remember attending EDC and lots of these EDM music festivals, pre-COVID. It's one thing I really miss about the real world out there. Some of my yearly highlights are always live shows and festivals and time spent at those with friends. So these venues, they do provide so much happiness in this is a way to help them stay in the game. This initiative that Hyundai has got going. Even I have been toying with the idea of maybe doing a live show. I haven't pulled the trigger yet. So just as your favorite artists go on tours, podcasters can do that now, too. And now things are opening up. I'm taking a more serious look at that. In fact, I'd love to hear what you think about us doing live shows, what you'd want to see, what you'd want to hear. Is it an interview? Is it a live Feedback Friday episode? Or if you think, "Hey, Jordan, this doesn't need to happen. You don't need to do it. It doesn't make sense for a podcast." I'm fine hearing that as well. But in that spirit, I wanted to encourage you to support your favorite podcasters, your favorite artists, and the venues that they perform at — besides getting out and enjoying a show, that's good for your mental health. They say that music is the medicine of the mind. I don't know who they are, but you know, that sounds good. Research has indeed shown that people who go to more concerts are happier. They're healthier than people who don't. Music has been shown to decrease the release of stress hormones and pain relief, and contribute to pain relief by releasing endorphins, neurotransmitters that block pain. That's kind of interesting. There's probably a whole show in there somewhere, but also concerts are a great way to make new friends or strengthen existing friendships. There's something about the intensity of an event, like a music concert that really does contribute to your relationships. There's something about a shared love for a band as well that brings together people like nothing else. So some of my best moments in stories are — first concert, Guns N' Roses, by the way, hell of a concert, first music festival. And I can't wait to talk about my first festival post-COVID. I'm just kind of waiting for the opportunity here. I'm sure that'll be a unique story to tell in either case. It's especially important to go back out this year because independent venues have just been getting creamed. Also, of course, and I did tell The Jordan Harbinger Show listeners how they can help directly the National Independent Venue Association, NIVA, that was created to provide support for some of these struggling venues. They started the NIVA emergency relief fund to provide assistance to these venues, especially those at the highest risk of going under. So please visit save our stages.com if you want to check out more and donate.
[00:46:11] Hyundai questioned everything to create the best Tucson ever. Every inch of the all-new Tucson has been completely re-imagined resulting in an SUV loaded with available innovations, both inside and out. From design to technology to safety, every aspect of the new Tucson has been improved upon. For example, Hyundai's digital key allows you to transform your smartphone into a spare key. And by spare key, I mean, my only key, I don't even know where my car keys are anymore. I find this feature extremely convenient if you're like me and you basically just can't stand the idea of car keys in the 21st century. Or you just can't find your keys and wallet. It's one less thing to remember. The Tucson also has LED daytime running lights that are stylishly hidden within the cascading front grill, making them invisible when not in use. And you can set multiple user profiles, which is so handy because I do share a car with my wife who is five feet. Well, I'm 5' 10" on a good day, depending on shoes, but I do love that I can hop in and have the seat mirrors, climate control, radio presets, all personalized for me. And they've got that 10.25-inch full touch infotainment screen with their blind spot view monitor. The SUV has been completely redesigned inside and out to create the best Tucson ever. Learn more at hyundai.com.
[00:47:17] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and/or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show.
[00:47:30] And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
[00:47:35] All right, what's next?
[00:47:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe, I work in the corporate world where I have to present to senior leadership and everybody is more senior than me. It's very important that I'm confident in my data and my recommendations, because if I'm unsure, then no one will buy into what I'm saying, but I want to make sure that I'm hitting the right note. How do I talk myself up and present confidently without coming across as cocky? How can I come across as humble without sounding unconfident? Signed, A Rising Bloke, Trying to Hit the Right Note.
[00:48:01] Jordan Harbinger: Good question. What you're really getting at here is the balance between substance and style. Some people, especially people in technical roles, they go all in on substance. They're thinking, "All right, I don't need to be nice. I don't need to be funny. I don't need to be interesting. I'll just be great. And I'll crush them, keep my head down." And other people, they go all in on style, "I don't need to be a superstar. I don't need to know everything cold or whatever. I'll just make up for it by being super confident and charming and well connected," whatever it is.
[00:48:29] And in the long run, neither of these strategies really works. Either, your substance fails you to get you as far as it could, or your style eventually comes up short. So we need both. If you have too much of one or the other, that's when you start coming across as cocky or douche-y or insecure or whatever.
[00:48:47] So my first piece of advice to you is to start investing very deliberately in both your substance and your style, and probably tilted a little more towards substance, like 70/30, The best kind of confidence. And I'm talking about true confidence here that can only come from substance. You have to know your sh*t. So when you're giving a presentation to the SVPs, you have to know your data, you better believe in your recommendations. You gotta be prepared for their questions and know the system inside out. If you're not, then no amount of style is ever going to compensate for that. If anything, whatever stylistic stuff you develop will actually make you feel less confident because it will be compensating for whatever insecurities are lurking beneath the surface.
[00:49:30] And that is how imposter syndrome kicks in. And we all know how that works. There's no magic bullet for this stuff. You really do have to put in the work. I got to where I am in podcasting, say by spending thousands and thousands of hours doing interviews, editing the episodes, getting coaching, studying the industry. Yes, there is an aspect of my job that involves style for sure. But the style is just the icing on the cake. The rocket booster on the spaceship. Pick your metaphor. The substance is the what and the style is the how and you just can't be all how. So, how do you own your substance without coming across as cocky?
[00:50:06] Well, humor is always a great tool. If you can crack a joke here and there, making fun of yourself when appropriate, ideally yourself and not others. Being funny cuts through cockiness real quick, especially if it's a little bit self-deprecating, it's really hard to hate somebody who doesn't take themselves too seriously. Another great quality to have is excitement, genuinely enthusiastic and excited people are kind of hard to hate because they care about something more than they care about themselves. So if you're presenting a strategic roadmap to the higher ups and you're not emotionally invested in what you're saying, you might come across as dry or cocky. But if you generally are amped about what you are recommending, you'll have a smile on your face. You'll be happy to be there. That feeling is infectious. People will pick up on it and they will warm to it.
[00:50:51] Another great way to stay humble while being confident, be curious. Curious people are open. They're engaged. They're not threatened by questions or feedback. Being curious also takes the focus off of you and puts it onto the subject at hand. Curiosity and confidence, those are very closely related. In fact, some of the most unconfident people I've met have also been the least curious. Now, that's anecdotal, but it is interesting.
[00:51:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, totally. I agree. And I feel like the quality that ties all of those other qualities together is really the commitment to being useful. If you can just focus on being of use wherever you go, you will almost always hit the right note. Because cocky people, they're usually not very useful. They're just too busy trying to prove something or they're high on their own supply, whatever it is. Insecure people, same story. They struggled to be useful too, but for different reasons, they're either too afraid to speak up or they're worried about what everyone else thinks about them. That gets in the way. If you just focus on doing an incredible job, if you look for ways to help your colleagues, to create value for the higher ups that you're presenting to, then I think you're going to have a much easier time walking this line. You won't walk into these meetings thinking, "Am I being confident right now? Am I being cocky? Am I being humble? Oh God, I hope I'm not being insecure." You know, you won't be all up in your head about that because you'll just be focused on the much more important thing, which is creating value, being useful, wherever you go.
[00:52:08] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. It's kind of like how the only way to achieve happiness is to stop pursuing it and just focus on stuff that's meaningful. Right? The only way to achieve the right level of confidence is to focus on being truly useful. It's a paradox. I'm not trying to be all like Zen meditation app, but it is true.
[00:52:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: That is true.
[00:52:24] Jordan Harbinger: Beyond that, here are a few other tips: don't talk more than is necessary. And just in general, be kind, be respectful, be generous, own your experience, but admit when you don't know something and then find the answer later. Ask good questions, help the people around you. If you accept these mindsets, you're going to be golden. I wouldn't overthink it. And if you need some extra help, maybe work with a coach and get some extra reps in. I am a big fan of coaching and pretty much any domain. It'll round out your skill set. I would also study the people at your company who seemed to be walking this line well. Maybe ask them to coffee, get to know them. How do they prepare for meetings? How do they think about their approach at a tactical level? How do they prep for big presentations or sales meetings, whatever it is? Again, curiosity will be your best friend here. That student mindset is powerful. So stay open, be useful, balance your expertise with your openness. And I think you're going to be great.
[00:53:18] Okay. Last but not least.
[00:53:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan, for several years now, I've been feeling sad that the majority of my network is now dormant. I had no idea how to reactivate or maintain it in a scalable way until I learned about your Six-Minute Networking course. I've been doing many of the drills daily and the results have been fantastic. My question is: is it worth growing my network by cold contacting people I'd like to know? I assume that if I made a hundred cold contacts and followed up with each of those contacts every few months, then some of them might become friends over the course of several years. I imagine this would be a slow but rewarding process. What advice do you have for growing a network through cold contacts? Sincerely, Trying to Stay Warm While Wandering Out into the Cold.
[00:53:56] Jordan Harbinger: Great question. A lot of experts argue that cold emailing is a losing game. Maybe it's a faux pas. It's too random. I don't really agree with that. I used to, but I don't anymore. A great cold email can be super effective if you do it the right way. So, first of all, obviously, if you can warm up a cold email by getting a warm introduction from a friend or mentioning their name, you should do that. But if you can't, don't let that stop. You just take a little more time to introduce yourself, explain why you're reaching out in a way that is one, personal, two, respectful, and three, specific.
[00:54:30] So you want to get to know somebody who has a similar job to you at another company. Maybe you write them a message, something like, "Dear so-and-so, my name is Staying Warm. I'm a logistics manager at UPS in Atlanta. I know this email is probably a bit random, but I wanted to reach out because I'm really intrigued by what you and your team are doing at DHL. And I wanted to get to know some other smart colleagues in our space." Some version of that, whatever applies to your situation. By the way, what I like about the whole, I know this email might be a bit random, is that it doesn't shy away from the awkwardness or potential awkwardness of a cold email. It leans in. And then when that person's like, "Oh, okay." And then the recipient, it could be like, "Okay, this person has enough self-awareness and empathy to know that I'm getting a random message from a stranger." A lot of people like that, it's endearing, it's respectful. "Okay. Let's hear what they have to say."
[00:55:18] So from there, you should share any relevant information, what you do, any questions or topics you'd like to explore with them, how you might be able to help them, and then invite them to take the next step, whatever that might be. Usually, it's, "Would you be up for a quick call in the next couple of weeks?" Something easy, not presumptuous, not too demanding, but the key is to be okay as specific as possible. So tailor your email, get personal, make it about them. Because when you reach out cold, you have to be deliberate and precise about what your intention is. If that intention is specific enough to be meaningful and relevant enough to be useful, then you have a good shot at getting a response.
[00:55:58] And to me, that's the beauty of reaching out cold. It forces you to be clear and have a damn good reason for reaching out. When I get an email like that, I almost always respond because I really appreciate when somebody takes the time to think through why they want to meet me. And I send cold emails all the time when I'm booking guests or reaching out to new partners or traveling abroad. So I know for a fact that it works.
[00:56:21] Now, not everyone will respond to you and certainly not everyone will book a call or whatever, and that's okay. If 20 people out of a hundred write you back, that is 20 new colleagues and friends you didn't know before. That is an amazing response rate, by the way. So the more your network expands, the more people you can introduce to one another, just like in Six-Minute Networking. The stronger your relationships will become and the less you're going to need to cold email in the future because the perimeter of your network is expanding. So this becomes a virtuous cycle. It's pretty neat, but writing a great cold email, that'll always be a useful skill to have. So I say, go for it, man, as long as you have a compelling reason to reach out, you really can't go wrong.
[00:57:01] Hope y'all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week. I want to thank everyone for listening as well. Go back and check out the James Jani and Mike Massimino episodes if you haven't yet. And by the way, the previous writer alluded to the course, Six Minute Networking. That's at jordanharbinger.com/course. It's free. You don't have to enter any payment info. It's on the Thinkific platform. It's all these drills and tiny habits and software that I use to maintain — to dig the well before you get thirsty. I highly recommend it, young or old, jordanharbinger.com/course is where that's at.
[00:57:32] Show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts in the show notes. There's a video this Feedback Friday going up on the YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi.
[00:57:52] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Keep sending in those questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Our advice and opinions, those are our own./ I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. You never know who's getting squirrel heads in their mailbox. Am I right? In the meantime — not to make light of that, but we kind of have to. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:58:36] Here's a sample of my interview with someone with decades of experience in protecting people at every level, from the top levels of government to victims of spousal abuse. Violence is a reality. If you're not prepared for its possibility, you'll be caught off guard by its eventuality. Learn how to hone your sixth sense for danger. Discover how to spot the red flags that signify someone is likely an abuser, con artist, or predator. Here's a bite.
[00:59:01] 16 years ago when I was 20, I got into a taxi cab in Mexico City and it turned out to be a fake taxi. And the guy was driving me further and further away from my destination further and further away. And my brain went through this process. It said, "No, it's probably going to be fine. I know he said he was going to ask for directions. But he's a cabbie, he should know that. No, no, no, no, no, no, but I mean, I've never been kidnapped before, so that can't be what's happening." And then I remembered some guy on Oprah in 1994 or something like that when I was a kid sitting there with my mom who said, never go to the secondary location. And I only realized a decade and a half later when reading the book, The Gift of Fear that that was you.
[00:59:42] Gavin de Becker: Everybody with a normal functioning mind and body system does have intuition. And what we have in varying degrees is our willingness to honor it and listen to it and learn about it. It's our most extraordinary mental and physical process. The stomach lining, as an example, has a hundred million neurons, a hundred million thoughts cells. That's more neurons than there are in a dog's brain. When you hear the word, "our gut," you know, "I had a gut feeling." It's a very accurate description of what's going on. And these two brains in the gut and in the skull communicate with each other through the body. And so the whole mind-body system delivers intuition to you, which is knowing without knowing why. Knowing without having to stop at all the letters from A to Z on the way, just getting from A to Z automatically.
[01:00:31] It doesn't really matter how things should be. It only matters how it is and how it is in terms of reality in this moment in reality is the highest ground you can get to. That's the place where you can see what's coming. And I'm so glad to hear that story. And that makes my day, that means a lot to me, particularly as I'm about to hear, I hope how well you prevail, because I know we're here having a conversation, so you did well.
[01:00:55] Jordan Harbinger: I slid behind the driver's seat. And he reached over towards the glove box and I grabbed him. And threw him back to his seat because I figured he had a knife or a gun in there or something.
[01:01:03] For more, including the most important thing we can do to cut potentially threatening people out of our lives forever, check out episode 329 with Gavin de Becker.
[01:01:14] All right. Another podcast I can always recommend, my friend, Dr. Emily Morris — is she a doctor now? That's amazing. She's on a mission to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. For 15 years, she's been answering your questions, like how do I talk to my partner about trying something new in the bedroom or how do I increase my sex drive? And there's a whole lot more of that. I just kind of didn't want to put in this promo because it's a little bit, you know, saucy. Sex with Emily is the number one podcast about sex, dating, and relationships and has been for quite a while. You know that question you've been wondering about or too afraid to ask, on Sex with Emily, nothing is off limits. Her no-shame approach has made Dr. Emily a trusted source to guide you no matter where you are on your sexual journey. Find Sex with Emily, wherever you listen to podcasts or go to sex with emily.com/listen.
[01:02:02] This episode of The Jordan Harbinger Show is sponsored by Castbox, a free podcast app for iOS and Android users. Like many people, I get frustrated with native podcast apps like Apple Podcasts and Google Play. I'm always on the hunt for something better. Castbox is a great solution. It's on the balance of clean, attractive design, usability, and great features. And I know a lot of my listeners agree because we have over 150,000 listeners subscribed on there, 180, something like that. When it comes to podcast apps, I like a clean, easy to use interface and most importantly, great searching capabilities that allow me to on the podcast I'm looking for. I like that you can search by episode in Castbox. I mentioned that last time I talked about them. You can also personalize your listening experience. For example, you can create an organized playlist without having to download the episodes and you can categorize your subscribed podcasts and mark favorite episodes. Castbox is also the third largest podcast player behind Apple and Spotify. A lot of people are catching onto this. Castbox, listen free, download free. It's also the best one for Android. I can tell you that. So download Castbox today, and don't forget to subscribe to The Jordan Harbinger Show and leave us a comment while you're there.
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