1063: Working for Kin Might Just Do You In | Feedback Friday

1063: Working for Kin Might Just Do You In | Feedback Friday

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[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Special thanks to Brooks running shoes for sponsoring this episode of the Jordan Harbinger Show.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback. Friday producer, the only person that I'd let drag me to hot yoga in Santa Monica.

[00:00:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Gabriel Mizrahi. I'm so glad you're bringing it up. I can't wait to talk about it. That was a big win, by the way. Big win for the sweaty shirtless cab.

Bonni

[00:00:24] Jordan Harbinger: movement. Cab bonito movement. Yeah. You, you Dragon gooned me. Mm-Hmm. Because we can't say Shanghai anymore. Probably into your ridiculous little life, Gabe. And I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie. It was pretty fun, despite the nausea and disorientation. Yeah, I know. Loss of motor skills halfway through the class.

You loved it. It was obvious. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people. Don't worry, we're gonna talk more about this. People are like, wait, that's it. No, no, there's more. Uh, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. And hey, during the week, we have long form conversations with the variety of amazing folks. Former jihadis, drug traffickers, war correspondents, neuroscientists. This week we had Chase Jarvis on building creativity. Chase Jarvis found a Creative Live.

He's a famous world famous photographer. Really an amazing dude and a good friend of mine. We also had Ruth Whitman, author of Boy Mom Re-Imagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. So I talked with somebody who did a pretty deep dive on, I hate the phrase toxic masculinity. So we kind of talk about that, but we talk about some of the crazy internet masculinity and what it's doing to kids.

I feel the need to say this was not like an overly woke kind of thing. 'cause people are like, ah, toxic masculinity, you're gonna trash men. It's kind of the opposite of that actually. So I think a lot of you will like that. We also had a skeptical Sunday. Last Sunday. We want to hear about your craziest dreams.

And a lot of people wrote it in with some wild stuff. We are interested in hearing your craziest dreams, your most wildest dreams. I mean, you know, keep it maybe PG 13. I sadly. Maybe just rate it off. That's fine. Just nothing beyond that. Uh, I'm definitely curious to see. What goes on in y'all's depraved minds, you can send those straight to Gabriel friday@jordanharbinger.com.

On Fridays though, we take listener letters, offer advice, play the occasional obnoxious soundbite, and I guess I'll be roasting both Gabe and myself today because I can no longer claim the moral or aesthetic high ground when it comes to his cliches. No, you cannot. It's called hot yoga, but it was so hot I was not emotionally prepared for That's a hot

[00:02:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: yoga.

It's not warm yoga, bro.

[00:02:23] Jordan Harbinger: No, but I, I was like, oh, it's gonna be warm. Like yeah, it was gonna be warm in there. It's gonna be hot in there. What? What is it? I don't know. A hundred degrees? No, 115 degrees. Like no, just Saudi Arabia in the middle of the day in a tent. And you're like, yeah, let's do yoga and don't you dare ventilate or anything that just gets rid of the humidity.

We don't want that. No,

[00:02:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: this is, uh, Riyadh level. He, yeah, and it's part of the reason that I go to this studio because they say hot yoga. It's like the hottest yoga in Los Angeles as far as I know. Yeah. I love it. But it is intense. It takes a week or two to acclimate. So you were thrown into the deep end.

[00:02:59] Jordan Harbinger: I was.

I mean, it was really like being in a sauna humidity in the heat and the sweat, except they're like, you need to now jump around and run around and do these poses that you can't do and then switch and then keep going and then do this. And you just, halfway through the class, I was like, 40% I have to pee 60%.

I need, I desperately need a break. And I sort of like stumbled, like a drunken man out of the room, got some air, went to the bathroom, came back in, and I could not find. The place where I was, this is not a large room. Okay. This is like, it's a small room full of people doing hot yoga. And I was like, oh, there's a lady where my spot was.

And then I was like, no, that doesn't seem right. I almost tapped her and was like, what are you doing? And she would've been like, get away from me.

[00:03:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: I was wondering where you were for so long. And then I looked in the mirror and I just saw you standing in the back of the room looking like wandering.

[00:03:45] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, like planning how to get through the crowd of people and then being like, where's my mat?

I don't

[00:03:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: know. You look like a dementia patient who went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and then is like, wait, where am I? Right again? What year is it? That's where I was emotionally. What year is it? You know the hot yoga slaps when you forget historical

[00:04:01] Jordan Harbinger: facts, right? Like or like your own name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even when we were warming up, no pun intended, I was dripping sweat, just like stretching my towel onto the mat and I was like, oh, this is not good. And I remember one time I was doing downward dog, which is like a standard yoga pose with your butt in the air and your hands on the ground. I saw the ties of my shorts.

You know the little drawstrings? Mm-Hmm. They had water just dripping off of them. And I was like, I'm so sweaty that not only are my shorts totally soaked. Yep. But they're dripping profusely. That's the good stuff. So it's not even just me that's sweating. It's like my clothing is also just, it can't absorb any more water.

Mm-Hmm. It's over.

[00:04:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, it's a lifestyle bro. I think so. Now you understand the cult. Yeah. The first few times are very unpleasant. You did really well by not vomiting. A couple other friends I brought. Have basically almost passed out the first time they came on the, on their mat. Or they leave for 10 minutes and just chill in the lobby because it's too intense.

Oh yeah. It's hard. It's really hard. But you can sort of see why it gets addictive because when you leave there, you're walking on air. I've

[00:05:01] Jordan Harbinger: never felt so flexed. I've literally think I got taller. 'cause my hip flexors were so stretched out. Mm-Hmm. And that's, that's a rarity for me with all the sitting that I do.

And then of course we had to complete the cliche by going to after, which is like this la cliche market where, I don't know, probably Kim Kardashian gets all of her stuff and it's a bunch of ridiculous products, but a lot of high quality food and uh, yeah, it was just, it's good people watching. I'm so glad.

That was really

[00:05:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: funny. That was, we were driving home and I was like, should we just stop at er one? It's on the way. I never go, but I feel like I just took you to a hot yoga class and this would complete the cycle. Yeah. I'm like, all right. And what did you get? You got like a peanut butter smoothie. Peanut butter smoothie.

Got peanut. And they, all the smoothies

[00:05:37] Jordan Harbinger: are named after like. Dip shitty influencers and stuff. I don't wanna mention any names, but it's like you can order the whatever and it's like, yeah. Who is that again? Oh, some knucklehead. Like fake guru. That is trending.

[00:05:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: My favorite part of this week though was that we went to, what did we do the first time?

We did sculpt the first time? Yeah. Which is like lightweights and it's kinda like a mix of lightweights training and yoga. And then we went back on Friday morning early before your flight to go do bar. And I never thought I would see you in a bar class. It was

[00:06:11] Jordan Harbinger: so great. Or any man in a bar class. Really Any straight man in a bar class.

So this is a ballet workout. And when we walked in it was kind of like. Okay. And then when they, I think when we weren't, you know, rhythmically gifted like a lot of the girls there who were women there who speak for yourself straight, straight up dancers. I mean there was a lot of hip movements where I'm like, my body doesn't do that.

Not even just the stretching. I mean, I can't rhythmically shape, I can't Shakira my way through this particular segment of class. I just gotta bend my knees more or something. I don't know.

[00:06:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's definitely more vulnerable. Yeah, it's a weird class for guys like us to do. Yeah. I do it every once in a while 'cause it works these tiny muscles that we never get to work when we're usually.

Doing our training. Yeah, it's amazing. But there was such a great moment, dude. Like there's that part where we were in a squat and the teacher has us up on our toes like, yeah, tippy toes doing squats. And then she's like, and what was it like tilt your pelvis left and right And it was like this weird, but it was like, take that boot, like booty on the left, right left.

And you're like, have fun

[00:07:08] Jordan Harbinger: with

[00:07:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: it

[00:07:09] Jordan Harbinger: guys. And I was like, this is nothing about, this is fun. It'll be fun when I'm done. We're like

[00:07:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: basically twerking. And then, yeah, and then, and then she's like, and take it on the move. And you're supposed to like twerk while you go down for four counts and up for four counts and yeah.

Impossible. You were doing it and you went for it, dude, you were like, you swung for the fences. And I loved it. And then I started laughing and then I locked eyes with you in the mirror and I lost it. Lost

[00:07:34] Jordan Harbinger: it. 'cause I was just barely holding on. I was like, I gotta be mature about this. They don't need guys laughing.

They're gonna think we're laughing at them. Then it was over, I think. Thankfully the teacher was like, yeah, okay. It's a little bit, she got it. It's

[00:07:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: probably tough for you guys. No, it was amazing. Ugh. Doing a bar class with Jordan Arbinger was one of the greatest moments of my life. Not

[00:07:54] Jordan Harbinger: on the top of my list of things I needed to do.

Again. I would do a hot yoga again. I don't know about piping by the Owen. It was hot bar too. It's not just regular bar. It's a hot bar. Yeah, it's a hot bar. The whole thing is just heat. Anyway, so many people are ready for this particular segment to be over. So before we dive in, I was thinking back on how I landed my first real job on Wall Street after law school, and how my strategy back then was, so before I begin, I was like, okay, I gotta think of myself as lazier than all these other people.

Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. I just have to imagine that the competition is gonna work harder. So your only chance is a better strategy, right? I'm not gonna just like magically work harder than these amazing people. I need a better strategy. My strategy for law school was, all right, I'm gonna get in here and work as if I am the dumbest person in the room, which is very possible when you go to a school like Michigan Law, you might, I might've, well been the dumbest person in the room.

So imagine everybody there is smarter, more talented, and has a great work ethic. So then your only chance is to outwork those people. And I think that mentality has served me pretty well. It's the old overestimate your enemy, underestimate yourself idea, but apply to your professional life. So what this did for me was I would go to class and be like, okay, everyone's really smart.

I need to take really good notes. And during finals, I know that everybody is really, really smart. They might even coast on that. I hope they do. I have to study more than everyone else. I have to read the cases again. I have to do more work that these people have probably forwent, right? Like oh, and not briefing cases anymore.

I'm doing it right. Why are you doing that? Because it's the only way that it gets into my brain. Oh, isn't that a ton of work? Yes. That's the thing with super talented smart people, you can often outwork them. They will very rarely step up to the plate. So a lot of people in law school who are really, really bright, they weren't lazy, they were still really good workers, but you can always put in more hours.

Unfortunately, that's what law firms take advantage of, right? Like, look at all these people who put in this on the hours and or smart. Well, if you wanna get promoted, you need to be at the top of that curve. So now everybody's there seven days a week, billing hours, and it ruins your life. You can get through any situation like that, but I, I recommend that if you are in a situation like that, that you make sure it's a temporary situation for the sake of your own sanity.

[00:10:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Does that make sense? Your only chance is to outwork the people who are more talented than you.

[00:10:05] Jordan Harbinger: Correct. I feel like that's something you should bring with you into bar class. I'm just saying. Yes. That was my, that was why I swung for the fences with that hip thrust. A lot of natural talent in that room.

Mm-Hmm. Alright. Gabe, what's the first thing outta the mailbag?

[00:10:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm 41 and my wife and I welcomed our one and only child 11 years ago. I. A few weeks into parenthood, my wife realized that she didn't want to handle baby duties solo while I was busy running my own business. So she relocated to her home country where her parents live.

[00:10:33] Jordan Harbinger: Whoa. Okay. That's a really big decision to just move to another country with your baby. I mean, wow. So, and when you guys aren't separating, right, right. It's not like he divorced you and moved. I don't wanna chime in too early, but there's gotta be a lot more to this story here.

[00:10:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, it is curious. Let's try to come back to that.

So he goes on. After a few years of this long distance situation, my father-in-Law suggested that I move to be with my family and conveniently work for his family business, handling overseas sales. After a lot of thought and probably too much optimism, I sold my business and made the move five years ago.

I quickly realized that my father-in-law's favorite pastime was belittling me. If there's a microscopic issue, he'll zoom in and turn it into a catastrophe. Whether I'm at the office or at home, I've learned to keep my mouth shut because whatever I say will somehow be wrong.

[00:11:22] Jordan Harbinger: Oof. That's a rough dynamic. I wonder if he does this to everyone or just him.

[00:11:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Then a couple of weeks ago, he told me to go to Ukraine.

[00:11:29] Jordan Harbinger: Uh, okay. Hey, uh, son, can you go meet with the buyers in Donetsk? That's a little bit of a, are you supposed to go to Ukraine right now to do business? Is that a thing that people are doing? No amount of Marriott points is worth that trip right now. No.

No. Also, I love the fact that the father-in-Law is sending his daughter's husband on the trip. Yeah. Dark Jordan is like, what's the real strategy here? Is he gonna end up with a bag over his head when he crosses the border? I mean, I'm kidding. Of course. Mostly, but why not hire someone local to handle this?

[00:11:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Walking into a war zone didn't exactly sound like a fun business trip. Yeah, no kidding. No. My wife was also not thrilled. I brought up my concerns and his response was, other people are doing it just fine. You're overreacting. Mm-Hmm. Mind you, he has a son who is also involved in the family business, but guess who gets sent to Ukraine?

Yep. Not him. Just me.

[00:12:16] Jordan Harbinger: She, that's fascinating. I mean, that's his privilege as the boss, but man, what a blithely, self-interested move to make. So I was already fed up, but I decided to go, okay, early dark Jordan pitch. Let's hear it. Stage your own kidnapping in Ukraine. Okay. Collect the ransom money Uhhuh. And your wife mercilessly punishes your father-in-law for the whole ordeal for the rest of his natural life.

And you look, he might not ease up on you from here on out, but you're gonna be a hundred thousand dollars richer.

[00:12:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. And our cut

[00:12:46] Jordan Harbinger: is a mere 5%, just to be clear. Right. Unless you need me to make the ransom call, in which case it's gonna be 10%. Like we have your son, the one you do not like. Yeah. The one you break down and never build back up.

Exactly. Exactly.

[00:13:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: Uh, that's only sort of funny. Too close to home maybe. I got to Poland, flew to Moldova, ready to drive into Ukraine. Mm. Then our lawyer in Ukraine messaged me saying there was a pile of paperwork missing for the business meetings that I needed to have in Ukraine. So the whole trip was pointless.

I immediately told my father-in-law, and he said, postpone the trip. I fly back to Poland, then to the Netherlands, and get to my hotel at 12:30 AM on a Sunday. After taking Sunday off. I got a text from him Monday morning asking why I haven't written a report on the whole ordeal and how we can quote unquote, avoid it next time.

Avoid what war?

[00:13:34] Jordan Harbinger: Wait a minute. So am I missing something? Gabe, the father-in-law meant how to avoid this mistake in the future. Right? Not how to avoid a war zone.

[00:13:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. So this is about to become clearer in a moment. Okay. But basically I think what he's saying is the paperwork they needed for these meetings was not available in the end because maybe the war caused some kind of bureaucratic issue.

[00:13:51] Jordan Harbinger: Got it. But still, all right. I'm, maybe I'm a dick boss, but is it totally unreasonable for his father-in-Law to ask him how to avoid this in the future? Or is it part of his job to have it?

[00:13:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: I have the same question. He could have just said, okay, here's my report. There was a war going on and it prevented us from getting the papers.

[00:14:05] Jordan Harbinger: It sounds like he's being a tiny bit defiant here. Maybe even if the request is like maybe a little bit kind of. Snarky. Yeah. He's being a, a little oppositional or something, but he's pissed. I think that's part of it. I totally understand why he's pissed. Yeah. Father-in-law sent him to a war zone in a place that was potentially really unsafe and he didn't want to go.

So I'm just realizing how much their relationship is broken down. Right. It's like when you have a difficult boss and then they give you a reasonable request or they make a fair point in a meeting or whatever, but it's really hard to take it in. Mm-Hmm. Because you hate them so much. I get that. Right. But also his father-in-law is the boss.

The problem is his father-in-law's also kind of a prick.

[00:14:40] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right? Well just wait. So he goes on. I told him in the company group chat no less that this was entirely out of anyone's control and there's no way we could prevent it from happening again. That seemed to hit a nerve. We went back and forth and he reminded me that as CEO, the ultimate responsibility is on him.

[00:14:57] Jordan Harbinger: Okay.

[00:14:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: My response, I'm the guy walking into a country with an act of war, so let's not play the Who's more responsible game. He called me, but I didn't answer. We haven't spoken since. To put it mildly. We don't exactly gel personality wise.

[00:15:11] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, no, yeah, we get that clearly. So this was in like the company group chat.

Everyone saw this? Oh yeah. That was in the WhatsApp right there. Oof. So things are really bad. I gotta say Gabe, I'm largely on our friend here side for reasons that I think are probably obvious, but I'm also, nah, I'm not sure I would've lobbed the grenade in the company group chat to his father-In-Law.

Yeah. To the CEO.

[00:15:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yikes. You know, you know, everyone else on the team was just eating popcorn during that exchange.

[00:15:35] Jordan Harbinger: Yes. Michael Jackson Popcorn meme with that, like that goofy smile. It's incredibly awkward. But again, his father-in-Law does, I hate to say it, have some kind of point as CEO. The responsibility for results is on him.

Good. He kind of got that ownership, but then he's also like, so that's why I'm blaming you. Right. But it means pushing his people to do their jobs as well as possible, which might include being across this paperwork thing. Mm-Hmm. We don't know whose fault this was. The lawyers our friend here, or just some random fluke.

No one's responsible for. I could see a world in which he maybe should have checked if all the paperwork was in place before he traveled out there. It's a little unclear if the lawyer was like, Hey, I didn't get the papers, so don't come out. Or if it was like, oh, you didn't bring those papers, then don't come out.

That's a little unclear from the letter. And that could change the level of responsibility. Like if he's supposed to manage the local Ukrainian lawyer, it's on him. But if the lawyer's just like, Hey, by the way, I didn't do my job, so don't come out here. That's a little bit different potentially, if it's not his job to manage that lawyer anyway, that doesn't mean our friend here isn't being put in a crappy situation.

But that can be true. And it can be true that his father-in-law was not totally out of line in asking how to avoid it in the future. And maybe he should have waited until you were back in the office. But you know. That's on him too.

[00:16:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: My brother-in-Law also sides with his dad, which is just the cherry on top.

Well, yeah, if it weren't for financial obligations, I'd have quit already. I've got some business ideas that could spin off from my current work, but starting a new business would take years to make profitable. And the last thing I need is my father-in-Law, accusing me of quote unquote stealing business from him.

Mm-Hmm. He thinks any idea even remotely related to his company should go through him. What would you do? Signed Looking for a new home while I dodge, not one, but two war zones.

[00:17:14] Jordan Harbinger: So Gabe, about that thing at the very beginning, how his wife moved home to be closer to her family because she was doing a lot of the baby duties alone.

I think I understand that a little better now. I'm getting the sense that this father-in-law exerts a lot of influence in the family. Mm-Hmm. I'm not saying it wasn't her idea to move, but I'm also saying he might've been like, come on back, we have all your aunts and your mom here, and then I could see that.

Yeah. Yeah, possibly. And look, if she's not calling the shots, like if the father-in-law orchestrated all this thing, and that's how it played out, that's a bit worrisome. Mm-Hmm. Because a. That's our friend here and his wife's decision to make together. And it sounded a little bit unilateral just by the way, he wrote it in the letter.

Mm-Hmm. And B, moving away like that is a huge separation. Trauma for baby and for dad. He said it was multiple years that his wife lived on another continent, which really sucks. Right? And C, that precipitated the invitation slash demand from his father-in-Law to come work for him. It's not like, yeah, you can move your business here, or you can get another job here.

It's like, you should literally just work for me, which could have been a really good offer, but now it sounds like here's all the jobs nobody else wants to do that are kind of dangerous. Those are yours. Now,

[00:18:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: we're not hearing a lot in this letter along the lines of, this is what I wanted. We're hearing a lot of this is how things played out and now I feel stuck.

Mm-Hmm. Which I understand, but that might be part of the anger that he feels and why it's coming out in all of these intense ways all of a sudden, because he might feel pretty disempowered, kind of out of control on the other hand. He did say that my wife realized she didn't want to handle the baby duty solo while I was busy running my own business.

So there might be another way to look at this, which is he was kind of distracted and perhaps absent and she was drowning. Mm-hmm. And the only reasonable option she felt she had was to move home.

[00:18:47] Jordan Harbinger: Fair point. And there's a lot of people I know here, they're like, I wanna move back to my home country because I have six maids there and all the aunties and my mom.

And when I live in the Bay Area, I have a housekeeper that comes once every two weeks to make sure that we're not drowning in dirt, but we have five kids. So it's, you know, I get the temptation to move back home where you have support when you have kids. But then my question is, what were those conversations like?

Did she come up to him and say, I'm drowning, I feel alone, I really need more support. Or was she just like, by the way, I'm moving back to, I don't even know where they live, France or something like that? Poland. And I'll see you later. Oh, and you can come in two years maybe. Like what was the plan? He stayed home for a long time.

That's a long time.

[00:19:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: And if she did give him a chance to make some adjustments, did he try to be there for her more or did he just keep plowing ahead with his business and she was like, well, I told you I needed help. You're not giving it to me, so I guess I have to go home.

[00:19:35] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Interest. So interesting.

Anyway, I realized this is all prologue to your real question. Sorry to spend so much time on it, but there is this whole other part of the story that's about you and your wife.

[00:19:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, I mean, it might be prologue or it might be totally connected. Like you said, our friend here might have a pattern of caving to other people's wishes.

His wife moving home, his father-in-law, inviting him to come work for the family business. Even this trip to Ukraine. So all of these might be symptoms of something more fundamental and actually very important, which is how does our friend here make big decisions? Right? How does he balance his own interests, his own wants with other peoples,

[00:20:08] Jordan Harbinger: whether he's uniquely vulnerable to a personality like this Father-in-Law.

[00:20:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. Yeah, totally. There's a whole chain of events here going back 11 years. Oh yeah. So the other interesting detail here is when he gave his father-in-Law, a piece of his mind in the group chat, his father-in-Law called him, but he didn't answer. And then they haven't spoken since. Right.

[00:20:24] Jordan Harbinger: So how's his communication?

Is that really helping matters? I get the temptation to be like, I'm not picking up this call, but I also, you know, that did probably not a good move. I

[00:20:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: get his anger. I appreciate where he is coming from, but to drop a bomb on your boss and Father-in-law, and then to not pick up the phone in public and then to not pick up the phone when he calls, even if you are 100% in the right, that's not productive.

Right. If you're too angry to talk, you can say that. You can say, look, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm a little worked up right now. I. Can we talk tomorrow when I've calmed down a little bit so we can figure this out fine. But it sounds to me like what he's doing is raging at his boss publicly, to your point, which is also not helpful and probably inappropriate.

And then he's pulling away and avoiding the conversation where they might actually be able to get somewhere. So, yeah, it's a fair question. Is that the way he communicates in general? Does he have a tendency to let his anger build for a while and then let it out in specific moments when it gets too much and then kind of retreat?

Or does he just kind of not communicate very much in general? Because if so, I wouldn't be surprised if that played out with his wife 11 years ago too. And maybe that's part of the reason that she moved back home. And I know that I'm speculating here a little bit, and if I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but what I know for sure is not communicating well, just makes everything more difficult

[00:21:33] Jordan Harbinger: for sure.

Yeah. I do think you're onto something there. So I think we're starting to answer your question about what to do now. You need to have some tough but important conversations starting with your father-In-Law, your anger is partly warranted, but as I keep coming back to you, I'm just not a hundred percent sure that this is all your father-in-Law.

Being a dick, he might be, he might be kind of a tyrant. He might be putting you in dangerous situations and prioritizing his son. He might be blaming you for stuff that wasn't under your control and the way you're responding to him, which is being informed by over a decade of experiences and choices that you participated in that is not helping matters.

At a minimum, you need to find a better way of communicating your anger and finding solutions that'll help you avoid these flareups. So if I were you, I'd talk to your father-in-Law about the aspects of your working relationship that are challenging for you. Own your piece of this conflict. Apologize for it where necessary.

Tell him what you need to be happier at work and see if you guys can find a more harmonious relationship. I. And I would get clear on responsibilities and expectations that feel fair to both of you.

[00:22:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: You know that conversation is going to be very hard. Yeah. To your point earlier, Jordan, their relationship has broken down quite a bit.

Mm-Hmm. So there might be a piece of this conversation that is just about foundational rebuilding between them. Like I have said some things you have said, some things I have not helped. You have also met me in a certain way. We need to sort through all of that and then let's talk about the crisis at hand.

But while you do that. I would make room for your father-in-Law to share some things that might be potentially a little difficult to hear. Mm-Hmm. Including his own feelings about how you've handled things and possibly some feedback about how you're showing up at work. Yeah. You have to kind of separate the message from the messenger here, and you also have to remember that at the end of the day, this guy is your boss as well as your father-in-Law.

And I just wanna acknowledge that is really hard. I do not blame you for struggling with this. This is why doing business with family is so tricky. It's also why family run businesses often create a lot of dysfunction and a lot of frustration, especially for the people who are not in that family.

Honestly, it's usually a mess. And the people who are not in the inner circle tend to develop a lot of resentment. You know what's funny? You're kind of the Tom Wams scams in this family, and you'll never have the loyalty that your brother-in-law does. And that sucks. It's really hard. Tom Wams

[00:23:42] Jordan Harbinger: scams. This feels like a secession reverence.

Succession. Sorry, different word. That's okay. You said secession. I did, yeah. Not civil war. This is, has nothing to do with Confederates. I mean, the show that you talk about all the, the time.

[00:23:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, it's a little civil war. Yeah, that's him. He's like the guy who's only, he's kind of on the outside. He married the daughter and the family and he is always on the outside and he wants to be one of them, but he is not really one of them.

[00:24:01] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Look, this is a tough spot to be in. But if you stay at this company, you gotta learn how to navigate all of this better. And if there's no progress to be made here, if the situation is truly untenable for you, then it's time to consider leaving. That might, in fact, be the best solution here. I wouldn't blame you for leaving, but I, I wouldn't do it before trying to work on things, especially because you don't have a profitable business or a job offer you can walk into tomorrow.

The best advice I can offer you there is if there's a business you wanna start. I would just start quietly working on it on the side, nurture it while you hang on to this job. There's nothing wrong with that until most businesses start. If your father-in-law's gonna want a piece of it, maybe you give a mistake in it, or you make him a passive partner, which might be a terrible idea.

Or you hire an attorney to advise you on how to pursue an idea related to the business without him controlling it. I imagine that's gonna come with its own challenges. Yeah. You know? 'cause even if the law's on your side, he might be like, you stole my idea. Sounds like he would. Yeah. That's hard. But look, while you do that, I would also be talking to as many people as possible in your industry.

Building relationships of your own, generating new opportunities, whether it's a job offer or a consulting gig, or the support you need to start your own company. Maybe Ukraine is hiring right now. I know you love that place. Part of your problem right now is that you need your in-Laws company to survive.

You're locked in and that probably makes you feel even more disempowered, even more resentful, and even more stressed. And that equation really needs to change. It starts by taking your own needs and relationships much more seriously.

[00:25:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm glad you came back to that needs piece, because I think this crisis is an opportunity for him to come back to himself again in general, not just with his job, but in his entire life.

He's made a lot of decisions that were mostly beneficial to other people. Mm. His wife, which is fair on some level, his father-in-Law, which maybe was less fair. Yeah, he had some good reasons to do that. I get it. But like we said at the top, where is he in all of this, right? How can he take care of his wife and child without losing himself in a company and a country that he doesn't entirely want?

It might be hard to separate, but it's not impossible. The other important

[00:25:58] Jordan Harbinger: conversation you might wanna have is with your wife. You haven't talked much about her here, but I'd be curious to know how she feels about all of this. What she wants outta this situation. How she might help you balance your obligations to her father and to yourself.

Mm-Hmm. The better you two communicate, the more manageable this whole transition is gonna be. In the meantime, seriously stay safe in Ukraine. Look for ways to be a team player while you also appropriately stand up for yourself and trust that this will eventually work itself out. Either you're gonna stay and become a better colleague and partner, or you're gonna leave the company and build a life that feels fairer and more authentic to you.

Either way, you win. You gotta face these situations head on. No more dropping bombs in the company Slack. No more dodging phone calls. No more censoring yourself and bottling things up until you explode. Learning to have this healthy conflict, it's only gonna make your arguments stronger and it'll give you the information you need to make the best decisions for yourself.

Sending you and your family a hug. Wishing you all the best. And hey, message me on Telegram. If you need that ransom call, I'm available. Just saying, you know what? You won't need to stage a fake kidnapping in order to afford to find products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help.

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[00:29:40] Jordan Harbinger: thank you for listening and supporting the show. All of the deals, discounts, and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable over at Jordan harbinger.com/deals.

Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday.

[00:29:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay, what's next? Hey guys. My father recently passed away in a plane crash and since then it's been an emotional journey trying to support my mother. While I don't mind being there for her, I seem to run into one problem over and over again.

One moment she's crying on my shoulder and I'm supporting her, and the next moment she's telling me I need to do this, that, or the other thing around the house. I don't mind helping out around the house, but I'm finding it a struggle to be both an emotional support and a respectful son to her during this time.

Do you have any advice on how to fulfill my different obligations to my mom right now? Signed Managing all my fiefs while we wade through this grief.

[00:30:30] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man. Well, first of all, I am so sorry to hear about your father. What a tragedy. A plane crash. It's super intense. You and your mom must be in a world of pain right now.

It's awful. I'm just so sorry you guys are going through it. My, I had a friend whose father died in a plane crash. Of course, you know, when you fly you on plane, those things are quite dangerous and it's always sudden, right? Because it's something he's done a hundred times and then it's just one day. It's like dying in a car crash just one day that somebody just doesn't come home.

It's a nightmare. What a nightmare. My first thought is, I think you need to give your mom and yourself a decent amount of grace right now. You guys are experiencing very fresh grief. It's very painful. It's probably very chaotic and I, I would just imagine neither of you is operating at your best right now.

Grief, especially grief at losing someone in this way, it can kind of make you a little nuts. You know, your mom might be just a little short with you sometimes. She might be scatterbrained, she might be irrational sometimes. She might not always know how to ask for what she needs in a polite way. She might not even know what she actually needs.

So during this period, it would be super, kind and helpful of you to be more forgiving than usual. Over time. Of course, your mom's gonna probably require a lot less of you. Her grief will settle down. Yours will as well. You guys will be in a new normal. I'm sure that it'll always be hard, but it's not gonna be hard in the same way.

At the same time though, you gotta make room for your feelings to, I'm not telling you to just bottle it all up. If your mom occasionally gets under your skin, if she's driving you a little nuts, if her demands seem confusing or unfair sometimes, Hey, that's legit, man. I get it. And my advice to you there is find some healthy ways of expressing that you can vent to friends.

You can turn to other family members. You could talk to a therapist better. help.com/jordan is a good place to vent. You don't have to deny your own normal reactions or shut them down because your mom needs all your attention. And everyone sort of lets this go, myself included. You gotta make sure you're taking care of yourself, sleeping decently if you can.

Exercising, maintaining a life of your own, continuing to pursue or at least move forward on your own goals. When you're ready, whatever you need right now. I find whenever I'm going through some ish, I'm like, I'm gonna get in great shape. 'cause you can really focus a lot and put a lot of energy into that.

And it's really hard to worry about little gripes you have when you're on your seventh mile rucking or on your thousandth StairMaster step or whatever it is. Look, you're both going through this. You both deserve the space and support to work through this grief. And once you guys enter a new phase of this journey through grief, if your mom is making it hard for you to do that, that might be something you share with her.

It's totally fair to say, mom, I know how hard this is. I don't mind supporting you and helping out around the house, but sometimes I find it hard to do everything all at once and to tell her what you might need from her in order to make this period more doable for you. Hopefully she can hear you and you guys can find the best balance together.

Maybe she becomes more thoughtful about what she asks of you or how she asks. Maybe there's a list of stuff you gotta get done that week and you can do it whenever you want. She doesn't have to nag you. You're not sitting down for the first time, the all day. And she's like, I thought you were gonna take out the trash and repaint the, it's like it's on the list.

Here's when it's gonna happen. You could share a calendar, Google calendar, and you're like, look, it's scheduled for Saturday morning. I got it covered, ma, you don't have to remind me 17 times. Maybe you get better at speaking up when you can't do something right away. Maybe you just both adjust your expectations of each other a little tiny bit,

[00:33:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: or maybe nothing big changes, but you just get a little bit better at listening to each other, which is key.

And remembering, you know that you're both in this very, very difficult process.

[00:33:54] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, exactly. The more you guys can talk, the better you guys are gonna navigate this extremely difficult chapter together. You guys don't need to be perfect, you just need to be open and sensitive to each other. But listen, I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your dad.

I can only imagine how painful this must be. Losing a parent is always hard, but losing a parent in such a tragic way, so unexpectedly, so suddenly, this is a huge trauma. It's a heartbreaking loss. So my heart really does go out to you and your mom. I hope you guys are holding up. I hope you guys find a way to talk that makes this transition as loving and productive and fair as possible.

And like we saw in the last question, this is never gonna be easy, but it also doesn't have to be harder than it has to be. We're sending you and your mother a huge hug and wishing you all the best you can. Reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use descriptive subject lines.

That makes our job a whole lot easier. If you're struggling to deal with a Holocaust denier in your family, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or you're debating whether to report your former abuser for having access to new victims, whatever's got you staying up at night lately.

Hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Every time I read those things in a row, I'm always struck by how severe some of the stuff is that we handle. It's different when you spend 10, 15 minutes on a question of when you just go, you know, gist, gist, gist.

You just go, gosh, there's some stuff going on out there. By the way, y'all, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter Wee bit wiser. It's basically a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered right to your inbox once a week. If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes applied to your life, I invite you to come check it out.

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[00:35:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, my 45-year-old husband is showing signs of memory loss that goes well beyond forgetting where he set his keys down.

For example, he told me that he met our friend's new partner and that she had a grandson. But then after meeting her for the first time, a few days later, I mentioned to my husband that she looked way too young to be a grandmother. He was shocked and said that he had no idea she was a grandmother. Then argued with me saying that he definitely was not the one who told me that.

[00:36:06] Jordan Harbinger: Gabe, uh, honestly, this sounds like me sometimes. Does it? Jen and I will meet someone. Yeah. That maybe I should be worried. Jen and I will meet someone and they'll tell us something and I'll be like, yeah, I don't remember that. And she'll be like, Tom said that. And I'm like, who's Tom again? And she's like, are you kidding me?

The guy in the hat, the one you had dinner with last night across the table from you? And I'm like, oh, I literally don't remember his name. Really. That's a good point. Or that he said any of those things. Why? I like to think it's because I'm distracted by other stuff, but I, maybe it's stress, but that's, this is a little bit alarming now that you mention it.

Fascinating. Yeah. I didn't realize that. Like your mind is just somewhere else. I think so. I think I'm sort of autopilot socializing with some people and I'm like, I. Oh, that was the person's name. I don't even, I barely remember anything we talked about because I was like phoning it in. Yeah, I think that happens.

Interesting.

[00:36:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, you don't strike me as demented, so I don't think there's any dementia going on, but yeah,

[00:36:58] Jordan Harbinger: possibly some A DHD multitasking where I'm really at home working on a complicated email, but I'm, I seem to be at this table having brisket with random new strangers and listening to you about your career.

[00:37:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: That might put our friend here at ease a little bit. Yeah, because the letter goes on. This is just one of many examples, but these things are happening more frequently, and our kids 21, 19 and 14 are concerned too. I want to get him checked out, but because he doesn't remember what we're talking about, he thinks we are remembering wrong and refuses to address it.

How do I go about making him realize that there's something going on that he needs to get checked out when he doesn't even know what he's forgotten? Signed confronting my husband point blank about the fact that he's drawing these blanks.

[00:37:40] Jordan Harbinger: I do see a difference here though. So he's like, there's nothing wrong with me.

And I'm like, oh yeah, no, there was something wrong with me. I was totally in another place last night. I'm not going. No, I, I remember everything. Who's Tom? Oh, the guy across from me. Like I know the gap is there. Mm. It's not like, I think I remember the whole night, but I actually have a massive black hole.

And I don't believe multiple people who tell me otherwise I'm not doing that. He's also rejecting her. That's true. Yeah. I'm not doing that. That is different. I'm just like, gosh. Yeah. How did I miss his name? What a knucklehead. Not like. No. I remember the whole thing. And by the way, I was completely wrong about stuff.

And the other thing with his kids telling him it's one thing if it's like, oh, she always misremembers. I've got a friend who tells me that I don't listen. She's sometimes right. But then she is actually the one that doesn't listen very well and it's kind of a known joke. Even her husband agrees with me.

But like if three or four people tell me, no, this thing is another way, it's weird to argue with them. Why would you do that?

[00:38:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: Unless that makes it scarier for him, and that might be why he is rejecting it. Yes. There's also something funny about the way she framed the question, like when he doesn't even know what he's forgotten.

[00:38:41] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. How do you like, how can you remember something you've forgotten?

[00:38:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Slash maybe never happened in your mind. Yeah. Kind of made me chuckle a little bit. The way that, yeah. I guess what she's saying is actually now I'm understanding if he can't remember stuff. How is he gonna remember to go to the doctor?

Is that what she's saying? I

[00:38:56] Jordan Harbinger: think so, but also I, I think what she meant was realize that he has a problem in the first place. Right? Because he's all like, no, everyone else has a problem. I don't have a problem. It's, he's in denial. Hmm. And this is obviously concerning, but how concerning, I'm not entirely sure.

This could be memory loss. It could also just be him really not paying close attention to conversations or, and, and not being coachable with it, or not fully listening when people talk, and then confusing the facts afterward and just being kind of too arrogant to maybe listen to anybody else about that problem.

[00:39:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: And then because he is not paying close attention, he's not remembering that it happened, and therefore he is not believing that he's the one who said this thing

[00:39:30] Jordan Harbinger: about this person. Don't get me wrong, that would still be concerning, but it's concerning for a different reason. Right. Either way though, if it's happening a lot and it's getting more frequent as she says it is, it's definitely something he needs to look at.

Because obviously my first move would be to see a psychiatrist or a neuropsychologist who specializes in doing cognitive tests and diagnosing dementia. The challenge is getting him to actually go, he's saying, no, you're remembering wrong, and just refusing to address it. If somebody, if Jen and you were like, yeah, Jordan's brain's not working right, I would make that appointment tomorrow.

My guess is that it's embarrassing for him to admit that he might have a memory issue and he doesn't want to go to a doctor and find out there's something serious going on. I am not of that mentality. If anything, I'm like, there's a little discoloration on my skin. Is it cancer? And they're like, no, you have an age spot.

Congrats. You're getting old. And I'm like, cool. Good thing I postponed my flight to Taiwan for a thousand dollars to come and see you about this. I'm that way. So you need to approach him in a way that A, makes him understand why you're concerned. But B doesn't freak him out too much because obviously being freaked out, he runs away.

I run to the doctor. Maybe you sit down and gently point out all the times that he remembered things incorrectly or not at all, and why that concerns you. Maybe you ask him if it's hard to hear that, and if so, why? And while you do that, I would be very compassionate and patient with him. You don't want him to freak out.

You don't want him to shut down. Also, I would consider inviting your kids to have this conversation with you. So he hears this from multiple people, multiple adults who are close to him, and he can't brush it off as easily, right? If it's you, he's like, ah, you're trying to pull. But if it's the kids, it's like, oh, okay.

These are all the people that care about me, and they all agreed. It's like an intervention. They all agree this is a problem, and you can also say, look, honey, it's extremely likely that there's a serious issue at your age, but wouldn't it be great to rule out the obvious stuff? And if there's something to address, we can address it on our own.

That might put him at ease at least a little bit.

[00:41:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: You might also want to tell your husband how his memory issues are affecting you and maybe other parts of his life, because I imagine that it's easy to brush off this thing about saying that somebody had a grandchild when they don't have a grandchild, but.

It's a lot harder to ignore your spouse sitting in front of you saying when you don't remember things accurately. It makes me worried. It makes me feel like I can't always trust your version of events. It makes me feel more distant from you. However you're feeling right now, he might respond to that more than you have a problem.

We need to go to the doctor. Totally.

[00:41:48] Jordan Harbinger: He needs to understand the stakes of this memory issue, right, or the ripple effects in his life. I mean, this could be affecting his career, his friendships, who knows what else. But again, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the worst case scenario here. Early onset dementia like this is so rare.

It's possible that your husband is just engaging with people in a certain way that doesn't stick. Or he has some processing and coding quirk or something that mixes up details or makes it hard to remember things. Or he is willfully forgetting things so he doesn't have to own. The fact that he misremembered an interaction doesn't mean he is going full.

Julianne Moore in that movie, Gabe mentioned a couple months back. Still Alice? Yeah, still Alice. That's it. That's it. Which I still haven't seen and not just because Alec Baldwin is in it, who you know, I don't need that. It's just because I don't wanna watch two hours of one of the finest actors of our generation decline mentally.

That's not how I wanna spend a Saturday night. I'm more of AAW patrol guy these days.

[00:42:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I hear you. But here's an idea. Maybe you can watch the movie with your husband this weekend and then afterward you can turn to him and go like, do you want me to be Alec Baldwin in this situation? Just totally blindsided and not equipped to deal with your dementia.

Can we please get out ahead of this?

[00:42:49] Jordan Harbinger: It's a little dark Gabe peeking out, right? Like, we're gonna watch this movie. It's entertaining. Oh, and also you could be the person whose brain stops working. If you don't go to the doctor,

[00:42:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'll give you a dark Gabe dementia related watch list for you. Yeah, and you guys can just do a marathon viewing.

That should take care of it.

[00:43:03] Jordan Harbinger: Maybe if they watch enough movies about people going nonverbal, he'll book the appointment himself. Or he'll be like, what was that movie we watched last night? I don't even remember any of the details. Yeah, I shouldn't joke about that. This is obviously scary. Bottom line. She just needs to talk to him in a new way.

Do an intervention, but an intervention about his memory as if he's addicted to forgetting, I guess. But very gentle, very loving. Whatever you do, don't assume the worst or catastrophize until you have all the information. Just get your husband in with a specialist. Do the test, see what you find. This could be totally solvable.

But he's gonna have to solve it by paying closer attention when people talk, taking better notes when he has conversations, not clinging to a certain version of events if he's not a hundred percent sure, or just being better about admitting when he's made a mistake, which is the next phase of this conversation.

Wishing you guys the best and crossing my fingers for good news. I. Now, don't forget to check out these demented deals on the products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is also sponsored by Shopify. If you ever thought about starting your own business or side hustle, but the whole idea of setting up an online store makes you break out into sweat Shopify is your answer.

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So if you're looking to elevate your running game, the glycerin Max is definitely we're checking out. Head over to Brooks running.com to learn more or grab your pair. Now, this episode is sponsored in part by Airbnb. My brother-in-law lives right next door. He's an Airbnb Superhost. He's been crushing it for years.

The guy's got crazy occupancy. It's really something. But he also loves to travel. He is always gone all over the place. Who gets stuck covering for him when he's off? Gallivanting around the world? Yeah, would be me and Jen because we live next door. Not really my idea of fun. I don't even like changing the sheets on my own bed, let alone somebody else's bed.

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If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors, all of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show, our searchable and clickable over at Jordan harbinger.com/deals.

You can also email meJordan@jordanharbinger.com. If you can't find a code, you're not sure if there's a code, I'm happy to surface that for you because it really is that important that you support those who support the show. All right, back to feedback Friday, I. Okay, what's next?

[00:47:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, guys. 15 years ago, my older brother got out of a relationship with a woman who had three kids.

He then quickly rebounded to another woman who had a one and a half year old child. Within a few months, she became pregnant with her second child, my brother's first biological child. They stayed together and ultimately ended up with three kids over the last 14 years, the one from her previous relationship and two more.

They fought constantly and it had a terrible effect on the kids. The mother eventually got her own place. Their breakup was not amicable, and the oldest child bounced between her house and my brothers. He never really felt comfortable at my brother's because quite frankly, my brother treated him differently from the other kids.

A couple months ago, the oldest, who's now 17, moved out to live with a girlfriend. He then went on to live in a hotel with two other people and was essentially homeless as he didn't have a permanent residence. He also didn't have a cell phone plan, so couldn't be contacted. Earlier this week, I was contacted by a relative who told me that my nephew was getting kicked out of this hotel and didn't have a place to live.

His mom said she didn't have gas to get him, and seemed fine with just letting him figure it out on his own.

[00:48:35] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man, this is really sad.

[00:48:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: My husband picked him up and he's now living with us for the time being he's behind in school, has no id, and showed up with four garbage bags of possessions. We live in a rural area where a car is a necessity, but he doesn't have a driver's license or even a permit.

I'm trying to get him on the right track to be successful, but because I'm not a legal guardian, I'm struggling to get basic things like a birth certificate and to enroll him in any sort of school or program. We've gotten him a cell phone, helped him study for his permit test, and set up an interview with the local job training program, which also offers students a chance to earn their GED.

My husband and I have chosen to not have kids and now find ourselves with a teenager who has had little to no support the last several years. We don't wanna do this forever, but feel obligated to at least provide him some stability for the time being. I'm angry that his parents abandon him and have taken no ownership of the situation.

Do you have any advice on steps we should be taking to make this less overwhelming? Do I need to get power of attorney privileges before I can enroll him in any programs signed? Letting a kid in need sleep here when we're not our nephew's keeper?

[00:49:41] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man. This poor kid. He sounds like a bit of a mess.

He's lost, he's disorganized. He's all over the place. His mom's reaction to all this though, it just speaks volumes. Yeah. If she's reacting to his situation like this now I'm gonna go ahead and guess she's treated him similarly her whole life. I'm connecting some dots here, but if his parents weren't very involved, if they didn't teach him some fundamental life skills, if he didn't feel loved and valued.

Yeah, I can see how somebody like that ends up in this position. So the fact that you and your husband have taken him in, it's incredibly kind of you, but I also hear you that it's overwhelming sometimes and not really part of your life plan. So my advice is, yeah, help your nephew get back on his feet, help him get involved in some programs, by all means, but do not do all the work for him.

He needs to show you that he's ready and willing to make good on all of your help, that he wants to receive your help as much as you wanna offer it. Now, I know he's kind of a mess. He might not know what he wants. And let's remember, he's 17, he's super young. He's not a like a child, child, but come on, 17.

What did you know at 17? Jack squat. That's what he's still a kid. And he is one who grew up with some major disadvantages. This is not somebody who was taught to be a self-starter, obviously. So you have to give him some grace there. But man, still at 17, you can be the sort of teenager who goes, all right, I think I'm a mess.

I need help. Thank you for help me. Here's how I'm gonna show up to these opportunities that you're creating for me. Mm-Hmm. And also, bear in mind, it sounds like he was maybe not taught that he can do stuff. So he might have some self-confidence issues that you need to address as well. While you do all this for him, I'd keep checking in with him, drawing him out, instead of just like signing him up for a job training program.

Maybe you go to him first and say, Hey, look, I found this program. It looks pretty awesome. It sets you up for these kinds of experiences and training. I think it would be a huge leg up. But what do you want? Are you ready to get your diploma equivalent? What kinds of work are you interested in? If we help you apply, do you promise to attend every day?

Are you gonna study the stuff for your GED, all that stuff? And let him answer those questions and actually listen to his response. If he's like, uh, I don't know, maybe we'll see. I would tell him the following, well, look bud, we're here to help you get back on track, but I wanna be your partner in this. I'm not your mom.

I'm not you. You gotta drive here. I'll champion you. I think this program's a great idea, but you know, you need to want it too. And if he doesn't engage with any of this, maybe you back off a little bit, see how he responds, and if he never engages with you on anything, then maybe at some point you tell him, Hey man, we love you.

We believe in you, but you gotta figure this out on your own. But look, I think if he does engage with you even a little bit, you'll be giving him a double gift. Your support. And the space for him to step up, get in touch with his goals and go after something. And by the way, same thing with the small stuff, like getting a copy of his birth certificate.

He can fill out the form and get a copy. Man, that's so easy. He can call his mom and ask her for the information that he needs. You are not his personal assistant. Invite him to tackle these things with you. And you know what that'll do? When he is like, oh, I can get a form. Oh, I can do this other thing. Oh, I can file for this.

He's gonna start building confidence that sounds like his mother just never taught him to do. And that's also one way that this won't get too overwhelming for you personally.

[00:52:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: So basically be there for him. But don't eclipse him.

[00:52:55] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Don't rob him of the opportunity to get reinvested in his own life, possibly for the first time.

Maybe not even reinvested. Maybe this is the first time.

[00:53:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally well said. And also, keep an eye on your boundaries. Your nephew obviously needs your help. I'm sure. It's very tempting to wanna step in and save him and do all of the work because frankly, he's kind of helpless. But you have to also honor your limits, your feelings, your values.

So if this starts to feel overwhelming, that's a good moment to stop and ask yourself, am I taking on too much here? Am I getting some signals that he really truly appreciates my investment, that he's gonna capitalize on it? Or is he kind of showing me that he's not ready to do that? Is there some other way to do this?

That's more sustainable to me. I think there is, and it involves collaborating with him and possibly finding a way to collaborate a little bit more with his mom who's really sitting back and I think failing him

[00:53:46] Jordan Harbinger: here, I agree that really isn't sitting well with me. Her son is living with his uncle and aunt.

Depending on them in a number of ways, and she's all, I don't have gas to pick 'em up. You deal with it just zero shame.

[00:53:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Which if that's true, then his mom is in dire straits herself. Right. And maybe doesn't have the resources, financial and perhaps emotional. Yeah. To care for her own child, which is so tragic.

[00:54:08] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. That is objectively tragic. And like I said, I'm sure that's left quite a mark on this young man. Yeah. But also, even if you literally can't drive to pick your child up, you find other ways of helping for crying out loud. You call Mm-Hmm. You check in with your ex-sister-in-Law and ask what you can do to help this woman should be kissing.

Our friend hears, uh, feet. Mm-Hmm. For what she's doing for her child. That's the part that just pisses me off.

[00:54:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, right. And the other boundary they have to think about is how long do they want to give this guy a place to stay and support him? Because this can't go on forever.

[00:54:38] Jordan Harbinger: No, it can't. Especially because they've chosen to never have children.

They have their little bubble and now bam, here's a teenager who needs a ton of support and has disrupted everything. It's like a sitcom or something. Totally. But. The answer to that question really does depend on how this kid responds to their help. If he cleans up his act and he gets his degree and he throws himself into job training, which might not happen overnight, but you know, could happen eventually, I could see them going, this is really amazing to watch.

It's so rewarding. What a turnaround. And maybe he stays for six months or a year, whatever, especially if he finds a way to pay rent. But if he's just faffing off and living off them and not putting in much effort, then yeah, at a certain point you gotta draw a line. That's a really tough conversation to have, but it's totally fair.

And you know, it might be worth planting that seed now. Like, Hey, look man, we're gonna support you in the following ways and we're happy to have you here for, let's say six months come March or whatever. We wanna reevaluate. We wanna see if this arrangement is working for both of us. We're hoping you use this period to grow and invest in yourself, but if that's not what you want to or you don't put in the work, we're gonna lovingly ask you to find your own sources of support.

Something like that. Not like we're kicking your ass out in March. You better get your crap together. Like not, it doesn't have to be that harsh. As for getting power of attorney privileges. I did some quick research and yes, getting a power of attorney can be helpful, maybe even necessary to enroll a minor in certain programs.

But it seems that in less formal contexts, like possibly a job training program, a notarized letter from the minor's parent or parents, something granting you temporary guardianship or their consent for specific purposes, that might be enough. So your best bet is to check the specific requirements of the places you're hoping to enroll him or get somebody on the phone, tell him your story, ask him what you need.

That way you don't spend tons of time and money trying to get a power of attorney over him for nothing, especially if he's only gonna be in your care for a couple months and and doesn't do the work. So that's how I do your nephew this kindness without losing yourself in the role and becoming overwhelmed and drowning in it, he is insanely lucky to have you guys in his corner.

I hope he eventually understands and realizes what a gift that is, and I hope he makes the most of it. Good luck.

[00:56:40] Gabriel Mizrahi: My recommendation of the week this week is a hat brand called Scala, S-C-A-L-A. I've always, sorry, I gotta tell you, I've always loved hats on people, but I never thought that I could be a hat guy.

It just seemed like a huge leap to make. But then I started buzzing my hair a few years ago, and I needed to protect my head all of a sudden. So I started wearing caps, as you know, like my beloved keto hat.

[00:57:02] Jordan Harbinger: Iconic.

[00:57:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: But those don't actually protect your face and your neck from the sun, and you can't dress up with them, like you can't wear them to a restaurant at night or whatever.

So a couple months ago I was, it's so funny, I was just talking about my friend Brenna. I was at her house. It was actually the same party where I saw her use the instant camera that made me wanna buy one mm-Hmm. And it was outdoors and it was really hot and sunny, and I needed a hat, so I didn't get sunburned.

So I grabbed her boyfriend Forrest. He had this hat lying around. It was a Scala hat. And the moment I put it on, I was like, oh, this is it. This is the hat. I have officially become hat guy. So I bought one for myself and I am obsessed with it. So there's this one style. It's not

[00:57:36] Jordan Harbinger: fedora though, right? Because that's, uh, it, it's not a fedora.

Okay.

[00:57:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Um, I feel bad for people who love fedoras and look good enough. I

[00:57:41] Jordan Harbinger: do, but also like they are quite cliche and it's, yeah. It's sort of dungeons and dragony at this point.

[00:57:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, it's a fair question to ask me. When I live in the city I live in, I am a big fan of this one style they have called the Dakota.

It's 100% wool felt hat with a, it has a feather and a leather band on the side. Okay. It really walks a nice line between, um, I. Teddy Roosevelt on his horse and a guy grabbing an oat milk latte in Venice, which is more or less the vibe I'm going for. But uh, all their styles are great. So go check 'em out.

We'll link to two places that you can buy these hats in the show notes.

[00:58:13] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that is a solid wreck, Gabe. I did see of course, wearing that when we sat outside on your balcony. I was all like Hattie partner.

[00:58:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: I know I kind of looked like Woody from Toy Story that day. I don't know why.

[00:58:24] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, well it was more.

Indiana Jones at a sound bath in Topanga Canyon.

[00:58:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm not gonna lie, that is not the worst aesthetic. I, I'll take it

[00:58:33] Jordan Harbinger: seriously. I, I know I'm making funny, but the hats do look fly. Af solid wreck. I was like, oh, that's a really nice hat, which you NI never say that. When I see people in hats, I'm kind of just like, okay.

No. It's a really, really nice hat solid recommendation. Also, by the way, y'all, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show. If you wanna jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, if there was an episode you really liked, or an episode you really didn't like, or you wanna share some additional thoughts or learn more from other people in our show, fam, definitely check it out.

Some cool conversations happening over there. You can find that on Reddit. Just search for the Jordan Harbinger subreddit and you'll find us.

[00:59:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: All right, next up. Hey guys. I'm a 26-year-old woman finishing up my last year of medical school after a nearly six year relationship with my high school sweetheart.

I ended things a few years ago after finding out about some infidelity. The breakup felt like a relief, but I've had a hard time recovering as I feel like I never got an apology or the closure that I wanted. Since breaking up, I feel almost no interest in reentering the dating sphere. It might be a lack of self-confidence, although I've always been very headstrong and sure of myself.

I can't help but assume the worst in the opposite sex, that they only want one thing, that they want a girl who is conventionally attractive rather than someone more career focused, or that I will inevitably be disappointed. I. Sometimes I think that dating would just be a waste of time as I enter an extremely busy time in my surgical residency, but I think part of me subconsciously uses this as an excuse to protect myself from rejection.

What advice do you have for getting back out there and feeling more comfortable? Putting myself in a position to be hurt again. Signed getting back in the ring after Stomaching a major sting from a guy who was once my everything.

[01:00:14] Jordan Harbinger: Really good question. First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the breakup.

Getting cheated on sucks, I'm sure getting cheated on by your high school sweetheart after six years, especially if you didn't get the closure you wanted. I'm sure that's even more painful. That'd throw anybody for a loop so I can understand why it's left you with all these difficult thoughts and feelings.

That said, I know it can be hard to settle down with your high school sweetheart and if your ex cheated on you, whatever the circumstances were, that just tells me that he was well not ready to settle down with you for the long term. And I'm sure you already know this, but it's really important that you guys found that out sooner rather than later.

'cause you could play that tape out another decade or more and you can imagine the challenges that might arise. You're 26, you are so young, there's an argument to be made for having time and space to be on your own for a bit and also for dating around and having a few other relationships. So let's talk about where you are right now.

You're generally sure of yourself. You're a freaking doctor. I'm sure you have a reasonable degree of confidence as you should, but you might be feeling a little off right now. I think both are probably true. Oftentimes, we're hyper confident in one area and fairly insecure in another. Sometimes that's why we're so hyper developed.

You're also left with some difficult feelings about men that they just want sex, they want a certain type of woman. You ultimately won't want them, whatever it is. And you also wonder if you might be self-protecting to some degree because you don't wanna be hurt again, which I completely understand. So look, all of those feelings might be informed by the trauma of this breakup.

And if that's the case, then your job is to work through those wounds on your own. Time helps a lot and obviously so does therapy, good friends, new experiences, and this is just where you are in the journey. It's also possible that some of those feelings were there from the start and they just have little to do with your ex or your last relationship, just laid them bare, in which case you have even more responsibility to address them, especially with a professional.

But whether this is about your ex or not, you're gonna experience some resistance to getting back out there. And so at some point, you're gonna have to take that leap and decide, you know what? I don't know who I'm gonna meet. I don't know what I'm gonna get back from them, but I'm gonna open myself up because having relationships with people is important to me.

Getting hurt is part of the game. We are always at risk of that. The better question, I think is how do I navigate that hurt? What do I do with that hurt? How do I use whatever experiences I have with men to learn more about myself, to learn more about other people, to figure out what I want in a partner, to grow these parts of myself that need to be developed?

That's what I would be asking if I were you,

[01:02:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: right? Because the pain is unavoidable. It might not be as severe as what you went through with your ex, especially if you choose a different kind of partner in the future. But there will still be frustration, there will still be fear, there will still be heartache, confusion, longing, right?

Like the pain is baked into the experience of being in relationship. It would be amazing if we could get to a place where we just don't feel any pain anymore, but that's a fantasy. The questions that Jordan just asked you are a way to make meaning outta the pain and to make the pain more than just pain, to make it part of the process of growing, which ultimately makes it sting less.

It's really funny, Jordan, I was just talking to my creative partner, Suzanne the other day. She's one of my closest friends. She's also the director of two movies that we developed together, and we were talking about just all of the heartbreak that we have experienced trying to get these movies made. You know, like I.

You've seen it. You've had a front row seat. Yeah. Actors signing on and then dropping out and financing coming together and then falling through and just, everything takes forever and it's gotten easier to cope with over the years. I mean, I've been devastated and I've recovered a few times now, and I'm just more prepared for things to go sideways, but it's still sucks.

And then we always pick ourselves up and we try again, and we submit to another actor. We do another rewrite or we take another swing despite how vulnerable it is. Anyway, we were talking about this and before we hung up, she goes, man, we put our hearts out on a slab every single time, don't we? And I was like, we sure do.

There's just like no way to participate in the world and pursue your dreams, whether it's pitching a movie or starting a company or dating, again without being exposed to other people. And yet, part of our job is to build up our sense of self and, you know, have good boundaries and address the wounds that make these kinds of struggles extra painful.

You know, so we can help ourselves not be completely flattened when something doesn't go our way. But to your point, Jordan, I don't think there's ever a stage where we open ourselves up to new people and go after what we want and don't feel vulnerable. When she says, how do I get to a point where I'm ready to risk getting my heart broken again?

I wonder if what she's really saying is, how do I cope with the very normal feelings that will come up when I participate in life?

[01:04:46] Jordan Harbinger: Well, that's the thing, right? The vulnerability is like the outer limits of our personality, and we tend to cramp around that, and we wanna stay safe. But when we lean into it, even just a little, and we have some intense experiences and survive them, we tend to find out that we're bigger than we thought, and the borders of our personality, they grow.

And that increases our capacity for these experiences, and that makes our life bigger and richer and more rewarding. And I think that's what our friend here needs to do. She needs to take care of herself and address her stuff, and she needs to make peace with the prospect of just getting a little bruised every now and again in the dating world.

And the men she dates have to be prepared to do the same thing.

[01:05:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: I also want to encourage her to look at some of these assumptions she has that men only want one thing, which again, that might be related to her ex. It might be a general belief that she's inherited somewhere else. She also has this belief that they're gonna want a certain type of woman rather than somebody who's more career focused.

But let's keep in mind, she is a surgeon, she's a doctor. I'm sure she's brilliant and hardworking. So I do wonder if maybe she's not really valuing herself as accurately as she should. I'm sure she is a fantastic partner and has so much to offer. She also has this belief that she will inevitably be disappointed, which again, I think is fascinating and I don't know what that is.

I don't know you well enough to know why that belief is coming up. Maybe you're a tough customer and maybe you deserve to be a tough customer. Maybe you need a really special guy to live up to your standards. I get it. But the idea that you will inevitably be disappointed by any partner you come in contact with, I'm sure there is more to that story.

So in addition to everything we're talking about, I would sit with each of these things and unpack them and figure out where these ideas are really coming from and if they're actually true. And the best way to find out if they're true is to go out into the world and date some people and see if your experiences live up to the ideas you think you're gonna have.

[01:06:28] Jordan Harbinger: That said, if you're entering a busy time in your residency and it would help you succeed to be unattached and focused on your work, I think that's absolutely a valid choice. Just make sure you're doing it because your career currently demands it, and not as you said, just using it as a clever way to stay safe and avoid rejection.

Of course, both can be true, and that's where you need to be very in touch with how your mind works. So that's my hope for you, that you responsibly and thoughtfully open yourself up to the healthy challenges of life and relationships. I love your question. I love your mindset, and I get the sense that you'd be an amazing partner to the right person one day.

To meet that person. You gotta go out and have experiences with people and grow and that might be another source of motivation when you feel like staying in and self-protecting. Good luck, duck. You got this. Hope y'all enjoyed the show. I wanna thank everybody who wrote in, everybody who listened. Thank you so much.

Go back and check out Chase Jarvis and Ruth Whitman if you haven't done so yet. Oh, by the way, don't forget, we want to hear about your craziest dreams. We did a Dreams episode on Skeptical Sunday. Uh, I'm definitely curious to see what goes on in y'all's depraved minds. You can send those straight to Gabriel friday@jordanharbinger.com.

The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network. The circle of people I know, like, and trust. I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six minute networking course. It is a hundred percent free. It is not gross. It is not schmoozy. You can find it for free on the Thinkific platform@sixminutenetworking.com.

I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. The drills take a few minutes a day. That's it. Dig the well before you get thirsty, folks. Build relationships before you need them again, all free six minute networking.com. Show notes, transcripts on the website, advertisers, discounts deals, ways to support the show, all at Jordan harbinger.com/deals.

I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogerty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

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