550: Conscience Contorted by Dad’s Abuse Unreported | Feedback Friday

550: Conscience Contorted by Dad’s Abuse Unreported | Feedback Friday

[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. Today, I'm here with my Feedback Friday producer, my FBF BFF, if you will and I know you will, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people. We turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening even inside your own mind. 

[00:00:36] And it's funny because when I thought of these taglines years ago, we didn't have so much disinformation. So now it seems like this is an even more important skill set. Every time I read that, I'm like, yeah, this is the right path. Anyway, if you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you. We answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from athletes, authors, spies, CEOs, thinkers, performers, and everything in between. 

[00:01:01] This week on the show. So we did a two-parter with Mickey Royal. This guy is something else, I'll tell you that. He is a former pimp among many other occupations if you can call it that. We really do a deep dive into his story. His backstory is crazy. His current story is crazy. And of course, we don't want to glorify the industry, but I think the story's worth listening to, and some of the insight into how minds are manipulated and things are twisted is actually quite insightful. So check out the two-parter we did with Mickey Royal this week. 

[00:01:27] And if you're joining us for the first time, or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show, we've got episodes, starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes, organized by topic. That'll help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com/start to get started. 

[00:01:44] I also write every now and again on the blog, my latest post, How to Find the Right Business Partner. What qualifies me for that? Well, I found the wrong ones, many times, and now the right ones. It's all about the red flags to avoid in a prospective partner or colleague. I've reached out to a lot of friends of mine who've been in business for a long time. Everybody who's been in business has these kinds of stories, but I wanted to reach out to people who've been in business for a decade or longer. Get some of these signals. What do those signals say about a person? Which green flags to gravitate towards as well, not just red flags. I want the green ones. I really enjoyed this one. It's based on, of course, my experiences as well as many others. I've really enjoyed writing this. There's some amazing gems in this one, if I do say so myself. That's at jordanharbinger.com/articles. So make sure you've had a look and listen to everything that we created for you here in the past week or so. 

[00:02:30] Now, I've got a thought exercise for you. A lot of people ask me for advice and sometimes it seems obvious what they should do. Not just because I'm so smart and so experienced, but because I'm taking a third person look, an outside look at this person. I'm on the outside looking in, and it's hard to read the label when you're inside the jar. And I do this thought exercise myself. So think about it this way, right? If you met someone exactly like yourself, same experience, same resources, same problems, what advice would you give that person? Sometimes when we take ourselves out of the equation and we make things less personal, we can actually give ourselves or find the right course of action. We'll always think, but it's different now. But I think when we isolate ourselves and insulate ourselves from some of the emotions and some of the excess baggage, we just look at the experience, the resources and the problems. Sometimes the advice we would give ourselves and should give ourselves becomes remarkably clear.

[00:03:23] I hope that helps at least one other person this week. I do that for myself quite a bit. I don't always listen to myself though. I'm not going to front, not going to front like I take my own advice every time. If I did, we'd be having this conversation on my yacht. 

[00:03:34] All right. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

[00:03:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, growing up, my mother was very emotionally abusive to me. And on two occasions, she manipulated me out of calling the cops on my abusive father. The first time was when he kicked my eight-year-old brother in the face and he started bleeding. The next day, I told my mom that we should report it to Child Protective Services, and she threatened to take both of my siblings to China if I made the report. I'm still angry at myself that I didn't file a report. The second time was when I was about 23, after she and my dad had gotten a divorce, he physically attacked me while I was helping my mom around the house and my mom and I told him to leave. She then begged me not to call the cops or file a police report saying she was afraid that my dad wouldn't be able to travel to China. I later asked a lawyer about this and the lawyer said that China doesn't care about this kind of stuff. After I told her the news, she threatened to kill herself if I filed a report. 

[00:04:27] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, let me stop you right there. This makes sense, right? Because they're from China originally or something like that, because the first paragraph here was a little bit of a bizarre threat. Like, "If you do this, we're going to France." 

[00:04:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. 

[00:04:38] Jordan Harbinger: But now it sort of seems like, okay, she's threatening to take them away from America where they grew up. Or now she's afraid that her dad won't be able to travel to China. It's a little unclear, but I'm assuming that they have family in China and she doesn't want to rock the boat.

[00:04:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. She's trying to cover for the dad. 

[00:04:52] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. 

[00:04:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: And say like, "We can't constrict his movement. We can't get him in trouble. So let's not say anything and/I will separate the siblings if you do." 

[00:04:59] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Okay. That makes more sense. 

[00:05:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: In the end, I didn't file a report for almost five months by then. It was too late. Nothing happened. If I had just made the call on the day this went down, we would have had a better outcome. Now I feel like I failed to keep my brother safe and honor my own needs. I also have complex PTSD in general. These two incidents show up in my nightmares. They just keep on replaying when I'm asleep. And I think about them at random times. I don't live with my family and I've talked to a therapist about this, but I can't get over it no matter how much I try. Do you have any advice on how I can reframe this anger? I feel towards myself. Signed, Seeking Relief From This Family Grief. 

[00:05:37] Jordan Harbinger: This is a really sad story. I know I keep things light sometimes here, but your father sounds like a very troubled and damaging person, and damaged himself, honestly. I'm sorry that he hurt you guys so much growing up. Maybe you get more angry at your kids when they're older, but I have a two-year-old and I can not imagine kicking him in the face. I just can't imagine ever getting that mad. I know kids drive you crazy, but there's so many more notches in my meter before I would even get to that level of not being able to control myself that I don't think I've ever been there. And I'm not as cool and calm and collected as I see him on the show, but I still can't get halfway there.

[00:06:14] So what you're feeling now, that PTSD, the anger, the ruminating about the past, this all makes sense. You and your brother and your mom, you guys were abused by your dad, period. There's no way to whitewash. You know, it's extremely painful stuff, but I'm really glad that you built your own life apart from them. And that you're in therapy. That's huge. You have to sort of insulate yourself and then go get help. Traumatic events like these can take years to process and heal from. And I hope you continue down that path. 

[00:06:40] So the big thing that stood out to me in your letter is the anger that you're describing. Of course, you're angry. Your dad did a number on you guys, a real number, and it sounds like your mom did too by enabling all of this crap. But what's interesting is how much of the anger seems to be directed at yourself. Now, look, I know you wanted to protect your mom and your siblings and you feel like you had a chance to intervene and you didn't. So on one level, I get it. But I also think you're overlooking just how complicated this situation was. Your mother, probably one of the other victims here, although not super sympathetic by the letter, based on what you've shared, it also sounds like she was absolutely enabling your father. As I mentioned, she's apologizing for him. She's protecting him. So he could travel to China freely, which is like a very bizarre concern. And let's admit it. She just didn't want to be embarrassed or talk about it. Who cares if he can travel to China? I mean, that just seems like an excuse. In addition, she emotionally abused you herself.

[00:07:32] That first incident, when your brother was eight, I'm guessing you weren't that much older. And even if you were like 15, what were you supposed to do? You were just a kid. Being in a position to have to call Child Protective Services against her own father when your mother is threatening to take your siblings away from you if you do. That's just a very confusing and difficult and unfair position to be in. And then the second incident, when she threatened to kill herself, if you filed a report, I mean, that is ninja level emotional manipulation. If she was serious about that, then you're basically responsible for her life. And if she was just pulling that card so that you did what she wanted, then you're dealing with a crafty and unstable and many other adjectives that I don't probably want to say on the show here. That's what your mom is doing. 

[00:08:15] So as an adult, I understand wishing that you had done things differently, but as a child, it makes sense that you did what your mom asked you to do. It probably made a lot of sense at the time. It was probably the path of least resistance, certainly. And honestly, my heart goes out to you for that. So as cheesy as this sounds, and I know this is difficult for you, you have to have a little more compassion for yourself as a child in that extraordinary circumstance. Being angry at yourself as a kid, for not understanding how to deal with an abusive father and an enabling mother that is not entirely fair to yourself at all. If the kid wasn't you, would you blame another child for doing this? 

[00:08:52] That's what I wonder, Gabriel. Like if me, and I'm looking back at my own stuff, I might be like, "I should have done this. I should—" But if it's another child that I don't know, who's that age page, who's 10 or 12. Are you really going, "You know what? You should have done this. How dare you not do it?" You would never blame that other child. You do it cause it's yourself and you kind of impute this adult mind and brain onto this child in hindsight. It sounds to me like she was thrust into the role of protector from a very young age. You know, you probably identified a lot with your mom — or he or she. It seems that that role has come with a ton of responsibility. That's not entirely yours to take on and it's definitely not serving you now. All this is doing is keeping you up at night and torturing you during the day. So you're stuck in this regret. Like all of this fell entirely on your shoulders and no one else's.

[00:09:39] So if you're looking for some relief here, I think it's going to come from unpacking that, seeing if that's really true and why you still feel that type of responsibility now. 

[00:09:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally because the fact that you're so angry at yourself about a situation that was created by these other people, that's also significant. You're obviously angry at your dad for what he did to you guys, probably/clearly, the aggressor, but also — and I don't mean to speculate too much here — but I wouldn't be surprised if you also feel some anger towards your mom. I mean, I know that's counterintuitive. Maybe it's a little confusing because she was probably being hurt by your dad as well. You want it to keep her safe, but then here she is covering for him and playing mind games so that you don't call the police and actually put an end to this. But it's interesting, you don't talk very much about them in your letter. You lay out this pretty horrifying dynamic between the people who created the situation, and then it's just straight to, "I'm so angry at myself for failing to keep my brother safe and honor my own needs."

[00:10:35] Jordan Harbinger: There's no room for, "You know, f*ck my dad for kicking my brother in the face and jumping me in the house. And man, I really wish mom had been strong enough to stand up for herself." He/she bypasses all that and just immediately thinks, "If all this terrible stuff happened, it must be my fault. I should have been stronger. I should have been faster. I had more integrity," been an adult at age 10, whatever, right? 

[00:10:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. There are other objects of your rage besides you and your story, very legitimate objects in my opinion. And my guess is that it doesn't feel possible. It doesn't feel very safe for you to get mad at them. So you're getting mad at yourself instead. Maybe there's a part of you that wants to protect your mom from your anger. Maybe you want to maintain a certain image of her in your mind, or maybe, you know, that she's not, I don't know, emotionally sturdy enough to handle that anger or look, maybe you don't even want to feel that rage yourself. It's probably very all encompassing, pretty intense. I get that too. 

[00:11:26] And it's not just them. I bet you're also kind of mad at the police for not doing anything after you did finally file that report. I know it was five months later. That doesn't mean they couldn't investigate. If that were me in your shoes, I would probably feel pretty ignored and just kind of angry in general, the weakness of the system that is supposed to protect people like you. But you're not getting angry at any of those people, right? And that anger, it has to go somewhere. And so I think what's happened is that you've turned it inward. And now you're experiencing this very appropriate anger as guilt and as regret. And I'm not blaming you. It makes total sense. This is probably how your family deals with most feelings. At the end of the day, though, it probably feels easier to believe that you could have done more to protect your family than to feel like they really let you down.

[00:12:10] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. Yeah, that's exactly what's happening. Like as long as he takes all of this on himself, it's easier, but it's not easier because now he's got freaking complex PTSD and nightmares because of all this unresolved stuff, that's keeping them up at night. So yeah, definitely time to explore the contours of that anger a little more. Therapy is the ideal place to do that. You can really invite the anger into the room and explore it with a professional and hopefully start to resolve some of it. Maybe by acknowledging that you feel angry towards these other people in situations, you'll feel less of that anger towards yourself and the traumatic memories won't resurface with as much intensity for you.

[00:12:46] So give it a go. I hope you find some new insights and approaches. It might take you a few months to move through these discoveries. There's always some grief and sadness that come with acknowledging something difficult, but there's really good stuff on the other side of those feelings. And I hope you get there, man. I'm sending you and your family good thoughts. 

[00:13:03] Gabe, this is rough, man. I can imagine getting angry at myself and then, you know, hearing our advice and then being angry with myself for getting angry with myself. But you know, don't do that. 

[00:13:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. 

[00:13:16] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Don't do that. We're not pointing fingers here. It's all about helping you see this more clearly, so you can find a different way to cope.

[00:13:21] You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines that make our job a lot easier. Include the state and country you live in. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on life, love, work. What to do if your mom is being swindled by a shady Indian, spiritual guru, Swami, whatever? Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous. 

[00:13:49] All right, what's next? 

[00:13:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey guys, for the last three years, I've been trying to lose some dreaded baby weight that has lingered and unfortunately has also increased. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the right track, but I'm having trouble maintaining any sort of discipline to stay on task. I can go a few days and my body feels much better when I stick to it. But then I encounter other influences such as family, work, friends, events, and I decided to have a cheat day way too soon. And then eventually, I'm back where I started. Aside from my own lack of willpower, I find that my husband who's obese isn't too supportive. He's quick to suggest takeout and is often too tired to cook. And he never seems to say anything positive about my journey when I'm trying. I know he can't/won't lose weight because of his own mental health issues, depression, self-hatred. While I've finally gotten him to go to the doctor and get a referral for therapy, he hasn't booked an appointment yet. He doesn't really see how it can help. He thinks this works for other people, but it's pointless for him. How can I become more disciplined, stick to my goals, and create good boundaries about food so I don't fail? And how do I approach these difficult conversations with my husband, for us to be a healthy family? Signed, Dropping Down Without Falling Off. 

[00:14:58] Jordan Harbinger: Well, first of all, good on you for being so determined to take care of yourself. I know that that's not always easy, especially after having children, especially when your spouse isn't as committed to the process as you are, but I know there's a way to make progress here, so let's get into it.

[00:15:13] So as far as struggling to stick with your goal, it sounds like you're making good progress on your own. Fantastic. Some old programs kick in since family or friends or going to work, attending events, that kind of stuff, that can be some kind of trigger for you. Or maybe it's just a setting where you lower your guard because everyone else is indulging. Kind of like when you go on vacation, it feels like none of the calories you consume actually count. And then before you know it, you're off the rails and you come back 10 pounds heavier and that's no fun. 

[00:15:38] So my question for you. What is it about those moments that makes you want to have a cheat day? Do you feel like people are giving you permission to let loose? Are you unconsciously looking to give yourself that permission? And it's just a convenient excuse. Is there something stressful about those settings that triggers the eating? What are you aware of or thinking or feeling in the moments leading up to you, breaking your diet? If you can answer some of those questions in detail, I think you're going to have a lot more insight into what's going on here. 

[00:16:08] Because my guess is the food is fulfilling some sort of function for you. Maybe it's comforting or numbing or distracting, but at a cost. Just like how any addiction isn't really the problem. It's your way of coping with some deeper problem. And to be clear, I'm not assuming that you have a full blown eating addiction. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, although you did say your husband struggles with this in a major way, so that it's possible, not that you know, that rubs off on you or something, but it's, it's possible that you have the same thing, right? It's a spectrum, okay. At a minimum, you're wrestling with food and there's something addictive or compulsive about that relationship. And that's why I'm trying to understand what's going on beneath that behavior, because that's a big part of overcoming this pattern. 

[00:16:52] Also, something really important to understand about losing weight. Dieting is hard for everyone. Dieting is a temporary results oriented system. It's about forcing yourself to do what you don't want to do or to not do what you do want to do — and we all know this, right? We've all, many, almost everyone has dealt with this. 

[00:17:12] Gabriel, you don't seem like a guy who's ever been on a diet ever, but like, I don't know, who knows? You did go vegan. So that's a diet but it seems like you would just do stuff like that easily. I don't know. 

[00:17:22] Look, people do this so they can achieve a certain result. Built into the idea of dieting is that one day you won't have to diet anymore. The problem is a temporary system is very easy to compromise on because it's not a real part of who you are, unlike being vegan or vegetarian or something along those lines. It's just one small piece of software that you're installing in your existing hard drive, right? It can be erased. It can be ignored. 

[00:17:46] A lifestyle on the other hand. That's very different. A lifestyle is a set of values, habits, choices that are non-negotiable. It's not a technique you read about on a blog and you give up after a few weeks, it's a way of managing your mind and your body and deciding how you move through the world. A lifestyle allows you to eat well and exercise and stay on the path. Not just because you're terrified of falling off, but because those choices reflect your commitment to being a certain kind of person. I'm not saying you have to make a moral judgment, become a vegan or something like that. But in your case, a person who honors her commitment to be healthy.

[00:18:21] So if a diet is like software, a lifestyle is like the operating system itself. And tons of research shows that lifestyle beats diet every single time. So I would encourage you to approach your weight loss as a lifestyle change, rather than as a diet. That means reframing all the stuff, the cheat days, the ordering takeout versus cooking at home, the boundaries. Don't think of those as decisions you have to just white knuckle through every time, but as part of a new way of life for you as a reflection of your own values. You're not trying to get to a day finally, where you have the freedom to trash your body again. You're building the tracks to take good care of yourself for the rest of you.

[00:19:00] And when you feel that poll to have the cheat day, I would just sit with that impulse for 10, 15, 20 minutes. Let some of that momentum pass. And then I would ask yourself, is diving into that carton of Breyers really honoring my commitment to be a healthy person? Will I feel proud tomorrow of making this decision? What would the person I want to be for the rest of my life do right now? And find out what it feels like when you decide to stick to your commitment. I know this is all easier said than done, okay. I understand that. That's why we do entire episodes on habit change and why best-selling books of the decade are about habit change. But then every time you get a reward for that choice, whether it's feeling stronger or more energetic, or just proud of yourself in general, that reinforces the habit.

[00:19:42] And over time, most research shows, it's just a matter of a few weeks and those habits will become super strong and eventually those new habits will replace the old ones and it'll feel worse to fall off than it will to keep going. 

[00:19:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well said, Jordan. I know she can get there. As for your husband, that's a hard situation. I think your husband is probably dealing with his own complicated feelings about all of this right now. You mentioned the depression, self-loathing. I wonder if maybe there's even a little bit of envy there that you're able to do this and he isn't, or he struggles with it. I totally get why you want him to be a partner in all of this. And I really do hope he comes around, but given his resistance to getting help taking this seriously, here's my advice. Try to make this journey on your own. Just at first. Don't wait for your husband to give you the encouragement you need, the support you need, or the permission that you're looking for. Just to create this lifestyle for yourself. The next time your husband wants to order takeout, you can say, "Okay, honey, cool, whatever you want. I'm just going to make something real quick." If he, I don't know, subtly discourages you from going for a walk because he wants to stay in and watch the game. You can say, "All good. Enjoy it, but I'm going to go move around for a little bit. You know, I'll be back in a half an hour," that kind of thing. You don't have to rub this in his face. I'm not saying it should be a competition or anything. Obviously, you should try to include him in what you're doing whenever you can. I'm just saying that if you want to take care of yourself, that is absolutely under your control. You get to decide what to eat. You get to decide what to do, how to spend your time. Having a similar partner that obviously helps, but having a dissimilar partner that shouldn't stop you. This is your goal. It's your commitment. You can do it. 

[00:21:14] But the other reason I say this is that if you did lose this weight and you did get healthy, it might inspire your husband to make some changes for himself. Because right now — Jordan, I bet it's pretty easy for him to watch her struggling and go, "See the stuff doesn't work anyway. Right? What's the point? You're good for two weeks, then you fall off, and you're back where you started. We should just skip therapy, Postmates and some Burger King. Let's enjoy ourselves." But if you start making progress, you'll be showing him that this lifestyle really does work. And maybe that'll inspire him to give it a try. Or at least it will take away a few of his excuses for not trying. And then you can say, "Listen, I know how hard it is to lose weight. Trust me, I'm going through it right now. But I figured it out. It is possible. I'm feeling a lot better. So if you want me to show you what I've learned, I'd love to help you get there too. Let's do this together." And hopefully he joins you, but if he doesn't, then that's his choice and then you can keep going on your own.

[00:22:02] Jordan Harbinger: Right. She could be an amazing model for him in a few months, but if she waits around for him to change, she might never get there herself. So I hope that helps. I also know that weight loss is complex. I don't want to get a thousand emails about this. It's not just about what you eat and how much you exercise, it taps into some very deep feelings. So I don't mean to gloss over all that by saying, like, "Just download a new operating system and eat some broccoli." Like if you're not doing this already, I'd consider talking to a therapist, maybe even a behavioral health therapist. So you have a place to process whatever the weight loss brings up. Maybe get to some of those routes I mentioned earlier, but also because yeah, it's just helpful to have someone to talk to when you're going through a major transformation.

[00:22:42] I lost 30 pounds several years ago and it wasn't like I have deep seated issues and programming. It was more like, I just eat whatever the hell I want, because I grew up eating whatever the hell I want. And now my metabolism is different because I'm freaking at the time, you know, it's like 37 or 36, now, I'm 41. So I just had to change my habits and everyone's like, "Oh, how are you going to do that?" And I remember my mother-in-law being like, "Wow, you just decided to lose weight and you did it." Because I just basically was like, "Yeah, I'm just going to stop eating bags of Cheetos for dinner every day." And that was it. I mean, it was not hard, but not everyone is like that at all. 

[00:23:18] A lot of people have a lot more things tied to their weight, so to speak, psychologically, as opposed to just like crappy diet habits that they picked up as a teenager. But listen, I love your attitude. I admire your commitment and I know you can do this, just make sure you're doing it to take care of your mind and your body for the rest of your life. Not just like drop 30 pounds by Christmas. If you take that perspective, I think the results are really going to stick. So good luck. 

[00:23:44] Also, I think it's good motivation to realize that your baby is going to look to you for cues on how to be a human. I see this all the time in my son. If she sees you housing junk and her mother is overweight, she will almost certainly build those same unhealthy habits for herself. I don't think that's what you or your husband really want, right? I think if you and your husband for that matter, if you take a good hard look at what being overweight has done for you or not done for you or taken away from you or robbed you of maybe over the course of your life, do you want that for your child? You know, I'm not trying to guilt trip or shame you. I just think this might, for some people, they might go, "You know what? That's the strength I need. You know, if I can't do it for myself, because sometimes I don't give a crap and I was always this way." People can do amazing things for their kids. You know, you can do superhuman things for your kid and losing weight is not a superhuman endeavor. Now for someone strong, like you. 

[00:24:39] All right, moving right along. By the way, we did update the review instructions. They are on the website. They should be easier to use. I know before there was like old screenshot and Apple Podcasts wasn't working and blah, blah, blah. Go to jordanharbinger.com/review. Let us know if those instructions are a little easier to follow. And if you haven't already, please do review the show while you're at it. jordanharbinger.com/review.

[00:25:03] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back. 

[00:25:08] This episode is sponsored in part by Chili Technology. Science tells us the best way to achieve and maintain consistent deep sleep is by lowering core body temperature. A good night's sleep helps improve cognitive functions. So you can always start your day feeling sharp and alert. ChiliSleep makes customizable climate controlled sleep solutions like the Ooler and Cube Sleep systems, which are hydro powered, so that's water. Temperature controlled mattress toppers that fit over your existing mattress to provide an ideal sleep temperature. So you don't have to buy a whole new stinking mattress. These luxury mattress pads keep your bed at the perfect temperature for deep sleep, whether you sleep hot or cold. I tend to sleep very hot and these helped me feel cool without blasting AC in the entire house and freezing everybody else's buns off. So true story, after the second dose of the vaccine, I was laying in my bed and I was getting feverish and I just turned this thing up to the absolute hottest level possible. And I finally fell asleep. It felt amazing. Even if you're not sick, it feels good, but when you, it feels absolutely amazing. It's like the only thing that I can save you. 

[00:26:02] Jen Harbinger: Head over to chilisleep.com/jordan for ChiliSleep special deal available to our listeners for a limited time. That's chili C-H-I-L-I-sleep.com/jordan for your special offer. 

[00:26:12] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Bambee. When running a business, HR issues can kill you. Wrongful termination suits, minimum wage requirements, labor regulations, and HR manager salaries are not cheap, an average of $70,000 a year. Bambee's spelled B-A-M-B-E-E was created specifically for small businesses. You get a dedicated HR manager, craft HR policy, maintain your compliance all for $99 a month. With Bambee, you can change HR from your biggest liability to your biggest strength. Your dedicated manager is available by phone, email, real-time chat from onboarding to termination. They customize your policies to fit your business and help you manage your employees day to day for 99 bucks a month, month to month, no hidden fees. Cancel anytime. You didn't start your business because you wanted to spend time on freaking HR compliance. Did you? Let Bambee help get your free HR audit today. 

[00:27:01] Jen Harbinger: Go to bambee.com/jordan right now to schedule your free HR audit. That's bambee.com/jordan spelled bam to the B-E-E.com/jordan. 

[00:27:10] Jordan Harbinger: Bam to the B-E-E.com/jordan.

[00:27:13] And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show. 

[00:27:18] All right, Gabe, what's next? 

[00:27:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey guys, my best friend passed away a few months back at the age of 29 from complications of alcoholism. She left behind her husband and several pets. For a number of unfair reasons, her parents were not on good terms with her husband and as a result, her husband was not on the deed of the home that she owned with her parents. This situation is further complicated by the fact that our parents claim that he poisoned her and he left the state without arguing with them about his right to the house. He was in shock as they made him move out of the house less than two full weeks after she passed away. We live in Colorado and the housing market has gone nuts in the past few years. And I really feel like he should have a legal right to her part of the home equity, especially since he is the one who has to deal with a number of my friend's medical bills. He's only 22. And I know that this isn't always how vesting works, but are there any elements of spousal rights that could make him entitled to the equity? Is there anything I can do to help them establish a claim? Signed, A Friend in Need is A Friend Indeed. 

[00:28:18] Jordan Harbinger: I see what you did there. Wow. This is another sad story and pretty bizarre too. Gabe, can you imagine being married to somebody who's obviously struggling with an addiction? And then that person passes away and their parents turn around and say, you poisoned them. It's just a whole lot of crazy, it's just a whole lot of crazy to deal with. I get why this guy just packed his sh*t and got out of dodge, although that probably didn't help his illegal interest here. 

[00:28:43] As per uge, we consulted on your question with Corbin Payne, defense attorney, and friend of the show. This isn't Corbin's main area of law. He's a criminal defense attorney, but he did say that his perspective here might be a little more simplistic than usual because of that. But because C Payne is pretty damn good at what he does, he's a real lawyer, which is more than I can say for myself. Most of the time he had some pretty great advice.

[00:29:03] So basically, there are different types of joint ownership scenarios. When it comes to real property. In one scenario, if one joint owner dies, the other joint owner becomes the sole full owner of the property. This is common when the property in question is owned by two married people. In most other scenarios, the property is treated a lot like a partnership. If one joint owner dies their share of the property passes on to their state and from the estate onto the heirs. Obviously, we don't have enough info to know what kind of joint ownership scenario we're looking at here, but it's most likely the second scenario. 

[00:29:40] So the next question is whether your friend is this woman's heir. He probably is. Most states have laws that prevent one spouse from completely disinheriting the other, which is great if she didn't have a will — which by the way, for anyone who's listening right now, get a will now. No matter how young you are. It's ridiculously easy to do. It'll avoid so many headaches for you and your family down the road. Trust me on this. I'm going to gather some resources pretty soon about this. If she didn't have a will, most states also have laws in place ensuring that a spouse inherits all or most of their deceased spouse's estate. Beyond that Corbin can confidently say that your friend, he needs to talk to an estate planning/probate attorney in Colorado ASAP. 

[00:30:21] Corbin said he'd be very surprised if it turns out that your friend doesn't have a right to his wife's property interest, even so it's very important that he gets in touch with an attorney immediately. Her parents sound like they are highly motivated to settle her estate quickly. And that involves getting in front of a judge, getting the judge to approve the final settlement of the estate. So if your friend does nothing to claim his rightful share of the estate, a judge isn't going to know that he has any rights and won't award him anything. And after that, it will become extremely difficult to overturn the original judge's decision. So time really is of the essence here. 

[00:30:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes, the sooner you can talk to a lawyer the better. And as far as your friend having to pay for his wife's medical bills, we did a little digging into that. And again, we're not lawyers, we're not financial advisors, whatsoever, but it turns out that in most states, when someone passes away, the deceased person's estate is actually responsible for paying any debts left behind, including medical bills. And if there's not enough money in the estate, then according to the sources that we read, family members still generally aren't responsible for covering a loved one's medical debt after death.

[00:31:28] Now, there are some exceptions to that. For example, in community property states, surviving spouses might have some responsibility to pay off debts, but guess what? Colorado, not a community property state, because the courts in Colorado don't assume that the property obtained during a marriage is all going to be marital property. So you might want to share that with your friend. And again, this is something he should talk about with his attorney, because it's possible that he isn't on the hook for all of these medical bills after all. And maybe that'll take a little bit of pressure off of him trying to get at this interest he might have in the house. Not to say he doesn't deserve it, I just mean maybe he won't feel as pressured to make certain choices if he isn't looking at 30 grand of bills that he somehow has to scramble to pay. 

[00:32:08] Other than that, and I'm not really speaking legally or financially here anymore. Just like, you know, mentally and emotionally, if it turns out that your friend doesn't have a strong claim to the house, or he'll have to spend a ton of extra money to hire an attorney and fight these in-laws, I would probably consider walking away. It's not fair. It's not, you know, the right thing, but it is what it is. I know he's 22 years old. I know he probably deserves the house, but he's young. He has his whole life at him. And I don't know if spending a ton of money and time and emotional energy on a lawsuit is really the best use of his resources. Better to get out from under this debt and just focus on building a great life and career. That's my take anyway. Jordan, I don't know if you agree with that, but that's what I would do if I were him. 

[00:32:45] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I think so. I think so. Look, he probably has a strong claim to the house. Go to an attorney, figure out if you do, but if it's like, "Oh, you're going to be in it for two years, litigating over it." Don't do it. 

[00:32:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. 

[00:32:55] Jordan Harbinger: It's going to drag you down. So I do agree. And also make sure that the next person your friend marries is healthy, stable, responsible, and ideally doesn't have parents who accused him of slipping some freaking cyanide into her Folgers or whatever. I think that's just— 

[00:33:09] Gabriel Mizrahi: Baseline expectation.

[00:33:10] Jordan Harbinger: I understand — yeah, baseline. Look, but I understand parents' grieving, but obviously their denial about why she passed away is probably part of the reason she was so horribly addicted to alcohol in the first place. 

[00:33:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's my guess too. Yep, absolutely. 

[00:33:24] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So, all right, well, good luck to you and to your friend.

[00:33:28] All right. Next up. 

[00:33:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 20-year-old college sophomore studying economics and business analytics at a small college near Washington DC. The problem is I'm having a hard time finding internships. My school doesn't offer many connections and students are left to fend for themselves when it comes to finding valuable internships that may lead to job offers. I've used online job boards to apply for countless internships. But I haven't heard back about a single one. You talk a lot about networking, but I feel like it's a different game altogether for college students. It's difficult to develop valuable professional connections if you don't already have a job or an internship, and it's hard to get jobs or internships, if you don't have the connections. So what should I do? Signed, Feeling Screwed By This Catch 22.

[00:34:11] Jordan Harbinger: Well, I know exactly where you're coming from, man. Gabe and I both went to schools that were considered pretty prestigious, but were absolutely atrocious when it came to career help. 

[00:34:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yep. 

[00:34:21] Jordan Harbinger: In fact, we both ended up ignoring the career center, if memory serves, when it came time to look for jobs and used our relationships as much as possible to land interviews and all that jazz. So you're not alone in this problem. Millions of college students are in your shoes. And there's definitely a way to work around it. In fact, Gabriel, I had so many random internships that were supposedly given to me by the career center that it didn't even make any sense. Some of them were like MLM things and you'd show up and you'd be like, "I'm not doing this." And you'd report it and they'd go, "Oh, that's silly that. We shouldn't have them in there." And I'm like, "You've looked at none of these. You know, you've just posted whatever anybody sent you to this career board, never looking at it." You know, it's just ridiculous. Or they go, "We got you a job," or, "Here's a job you should apply for," and it'd be like an unpaid position in another country. 

[00:35:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: I love that. Being funneled into a pyramid scheme by your college's career center is like next level in colleges. 

[00:35:17] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Or you'd call them, they go, "What are you talking about? We're only hiring like people with five years of experience. We're not hiring college kids." And it's like, "Well, cool. You posted at the career center for undergraduates in Ann Arbor, Michigan. None of us are experienced." 

[00:35:31] So look, you're caught in the loop that a lot of people find themselves in where they feel like they're not valuable enough to build new relationships, but then they can't build the relationships they need to create that value. It feels like a catch 22. And in a way it is except for one thing, it's based on a flawed assumption. And that assumption is that they actually have nothing of value to offer other people. In reality, anyone can create value if they get creative and deliberate about it. So here's how to do that. First of all, I would lean into the fact that you're a smart, driven, curious college student who wants a job. I know that sounds basic, but when you reach out to new people, you don't need to apologize for that or hide the ball, make it a part of your pitch. If you write someone on LinkedIn who works at a company you like, I would say, "Hey, my name is so-and-so. I'm an econ and business analytics major. And I wanted to reach out because I really admire your company. And I'm super excited about what you do there. I'm eager to land an internship in this field. I'm really passionate about it. And so if you're open to it, I'd be grateful for any advice you might be able to share with me. I'm also intrigued by your story, and I'd love to hear more about it. If you're game. If you're up for a brief call in the next couple of weeks, that'd be great." Something like that.

[00:36:39] This is a, I think they call this an informational interview, but it's not even an interview. It's just a call. You're not calling and going, "So can I have a job at Apple? I know you work at Apple." You're just trying to get insight into what's going on and build a relationship at the same time. This is probably the scenario that you're dreading, where you're asking for something without being able to offer something in return. And I get it, but here's the thing right now, one of the best assets you have on offer is your passion and your intellect. I know that sounds vague, but to a certain kind of person, the kind of person you want to be meeting right now, by the way, those qualities are like crack. If you're respectful and you're kind, and you're on top of it, you will be amazed how well people will respond.

[00:37:19] And I say that as somebody who responds really well to cool, smart young people who are curious and respectful and hardworking, if you reached out to let's say 50 people and five of them wrote you back — just a 10 percent success. That is five solid leads you have towards the job. From there, you nail the phone call, you develop the relationship, you see what comes of it. And you've got champions being made inside some of these companies here and there. 

[00:37:43] So where does the value come in? All right, so here's my technique. Let's say you book those five initial calls. They're all with people in the same general field or doing similar roles. After the second one, so you've had two phone calls in a row now, you offer to put those two people in touch if it makes sense. You can bring it up at the end of the call or in a follow-up email. I do it in an email. It's easier for people to say, no, if they don't want to, but you might say, "Hey, by the way, Roger, do you happen to know Tim Wu at Dow Chemicals? Super cool guy. We met last week. We had a call as well. I think you guys would have a lot to talk about if you're in the same industry, or you have this and that in common," if you find a personal interest even better, you know, "You've both been to North Korea," good luck there. Then when you check in with Tim, see if he's open to the intro and you connect them by email and bam, just like that, you've created some value for these two people. 

[00:38:29] And it looks simple, but it is valuable. They took a chance investing in you. You immediately return the favor and then you can connect up all five of those people. And you can keep doing that with everyone in your network on an ongoing basis, which is basically Six-Minute Networking 101 and we do cover this more in depth in the course, by the way. Jordanharbinger.com/courses, where you can find it. From there, those people will be way more likely to keep helping you out. And if you ever need Roger to introduce you to somebody else, that's a doable favor right now. You know, you connected him with Tim. He'll probably be happy to connect you with Anna over at DuPont or whatever. So that's how you get around this catch 22.

[00:39:06] You do have capital to share. You just haven't realized it yet, and you can keep building it. Keep in mind that you don't have to have all the capital upfront. All you have to do is created in small doses along the way, just like we've explained here. Just by taking a moment to think about how to connect people as you meet them. So you're looking for a node in your network that can connect to another node in your network, especially if they're new, it comes up with all kinds of opportunities. This is so simple. It is gold. 

[00:39:34] There are also other ways for someone your age to create value. You can send people articles or books or podcasts, you'd think they'd enjoy. Not just like, "Oh, I listened to this and it was hilarious." But you know, if you find something that's about North Korea, people do this with me all the time. They'll go, "Hey, you might've heard this, but here's a podcast about North Korea and it's about — I loved it. It was really interesting. It's about hacking," and I'll go, "You know, I haven't seen that. Thank you. And it's very helpful." Or I'll say, "Yeah, a lot of people have sent me this," and I still appreciate it, right? I'm not going, "Ugh, how dare you think of me when you find something interesting about a hobby that I enjoy." You know, that never is going to happen. 

[00:40:09] Further, if you sense another kind of opening, you can offer them your time and your hard work, which that might be how you land your internship. It's an amazing way to invent a job for yourself, just by offering some of your time and energy. It works better with smaller companies. You know, if you call Dow Chemical and say, "Hey, your website needs updating." They're probably going to go, "Cool. We'll call the IT department who calls our contractor," who does a bid for proposal RFP, whatever. But if it's a small business and you're trying to get your foot in the door, you might go, "You know, I noticed your website doesn't have your events calendar," and they'll go, "Oh God, yeah, we've no idea how to do that. We've got to figure that whole thing out," and you go, "You know, I could do that for you. That could be a project I work on when I'm doing an internship at your organization." And they might say, "You're going to fix the website and have the calendar up. Well, we have other things like that that nobody knows how to do." Suddenly, you're the guy, you're the support IT guy who's creating systems architecture for this business. And you can continue to be smart and cool and helpful all around. That is a form of value in its own right as well. So don't discount any of these qualities. 

[00:41:08] Also want you to check out two articles we wrote. One of them is called How to Be Generous When You're Just Starting Out and the other one is called the Big Mistake People Make About Networking. Those were at jordanharbinger.com/articles. We'll link to them directly in the show notes. Those two pieces are going to be money for you right now. 

[00:41:25] Again, I would also sign up for six minute networking if you haven't yet. Start doing those exercises immediately, it's like this, but a lot more and in more detail, I include scripts. You'll be amazed how quickly opportunities start to come together for you. The course is free, by the way. I think I said that already, jordanharbinger.com/course is where you can find it. 

[00:41:43] So don't let this challenge stop you. It might take some doing to break into the industry that you want. You might also have to invest several hours a week, writing emails and booking calls and chasing down leads. But that's great, that's how this works. All you need is a handful of fans who can guide you open a couple doors, then thank them for their generosity by returning it in kind. And then just keep following that chain of social capital as it creates new opportunities for you. There's no magic to it. It's just looking at the world through that lens and putting in the legwork. So go for it. I know you're going to end up somewhere great. Good luck. 

[00:42:17] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. 

[00:42:22] This episode is sponsored in part by GoodRx. Getting the care you need to stay healthy shouldn't be harder, too expensive. Everyone should be able to afford their medications. Check out GoodRx. They can help find the lowest price on prescriptions every time. It's the number one most downloaded medical app, by the . Different pharmacies charge different prices for the same drug. Maybe you knew that, maybe you didn't. With GoodRx, you can instantly compare prices for your prescription at over 70,000 pharmacies like CVS, Kroger, Walgreens, RiteAid, and more save up to 80 percent. 80 percent, that's kind of a lot. GoodRx is free and easy to use and many times is often cheaper than using your insurance co-pay or Medicare. My father-in-law recently went to get his prescription filled, and even though he already has great insurance, he pulled up GoodRx, showed the pharmacist, saved him 30 bucks. We were all very good. 

[00:43:04] Jen Harbinger: Start saving up to 80 percent on your prescriptions today. Go to goodrx.com/jordan. That's goodrx.com/jordan. Goodrx.com/jordan. GoodRx is not insurance, but can be used instead of insurance. In 2020, GoodRx users received an average savings of over 70 percent off retail prices. 

[00:43:22] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Better Help online therapy. Have you ever thought about getting therapy, but you're kind of worried about what people think if they find out. Contrary to common misconception, therapy is not just for those who are struggling with mental illness. It can be beneficial for anyone who is experiencing stress, intense emotion, life transitions, or wants to improve their life. You've heard me mention therapy a zillion times on Feedback Friday. That's because I'm a huge fan of talk therapy and therapy in general. Talk therapy provides you with a safe, nonjudgmental place to vent about your experiences, explore your options, develop skills and strategies to handle various life challenges with somebody who's trained to listen and help. Better Help offers online licensed professional therapists who are really good at what they do. Finding a therapist can be intimidating. It can be time-consuming. With Better Help, you fill out a questionnaire. It's super simple. 48 hours later, you got a counselor. Video sessions, phone sessions, chat, texts, whatever you want, right from your own couch, your own bed, your own home. Everything's confidential. You can switch at any time. I think this is a really good idea for people who want to dip their toes in the therapy waters, and it's for sane people, not just for the crazies, like a lot of y'all think. I love therapy. I'm a huge fan. I recommend it to everyone. 

[00:44:27] Jen Harbinger: Our listeners get 10 percent off your first month at betterhelp.com/jordan. Visit better-H-E-L-P.com/jordanan. And join over a million people who've taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced Better Help professional. 

[00:44:40] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored in part by NetSuite. You're still running your business on QuickBooks. QuickBooks, more like quick sand. The bigger your company grows, the faster you sink with outdated software that just can't keep up. I see what they did there. You don't have to spend time dealing with manual processes, multiple systems, delays, scrambling to get the numbers you need. I've done that before. It's not a lot of fun. I just want to run my freaking business. I want everything in one place. NetSuite by Oracle is the scalable solution to run all of your key back office operations no matter how big your company grows. NetSuite gives you visibility and control over your financials, inventory, HR, e-commerce, and more. Everything you need to grow all in one place. NetSuite helps you automate your key business processes and close your books in a fraction of the time. So think days not weeks. In fact, 93 percent of surveyed organizations increased visibility and control over their businesses since making the switch from QuickBooks to NetSuite. 

[00:45:28] Jen Harbinger: Right now, NetSuite is offering a one of a kind financing program only for those ready to graduate from QuickBooks. Head to netsuite.com/jordan. That's special financing for you, graduates at netsuite.com/jordan, netsuite.com/jordan. 

[00:45:41] Jordan Harbinger: Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and/or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show.

[00:45:55] And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. 

[00:45:59] All right, next up. 

[00:46:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: Jordan, I'm a moderately Internet famous cosplayer in my early 20s. What that means is that I make costumes based of popular culture and wear them at conventions and post photos of my creations on the Internet. I rarely get hateful comments, but when I do, it doesn't really bother me at all. I just quietly delete them. The problem is that a lot of my friends in the community really struggle with cyberbullies. I have one close friend who was almost driven to suicide and it's threatened to delete her channel entirely because of the comments that she's been receiving. I know they all like producing content, so it really frustrates me that a small number of strangers on the Internet can have such a negative effect on their passion. How do you deal with haters? What do you do when there are anonymous commenters who just exist to troll and spread hate, and you can't even hold a conversation with them directly? Signed, Trying to Play Without Falling Prey to An Anonymous Sobriquet. 

[00:46:50] Jordan Harbinger: Sobriquet. What is that? 

[00:46:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's like a nickname. 

[00:46:55] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. Wow. I mean, these are some deep cuts you got here for the names lately. 

[00:47:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: We've been doing the show for a while, Jordan, like I got to keep it fresh, so— 

[00:47:05] Jordan Harbinger: It's true. 

[00:47:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: Deeper and deeper into the source. Yeah. 

[00:47:08] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. You really are. You really are. Have you ever used that word or did you have to look that up or be like, "Oh, that rhymes." 

[00:47:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Fortunately, yes, I've used it before. So this one really wasn't as much of a reach as you might hope. Yeah. 

[00:47:20] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's impressive though. It is impressive. Well, great question. Trolls and haters are — and I hate the word haters, but it is appropriate here. They are an unfortunate part of life online. You can't avoid them. The anonymity of the Internet just gives rise to some of the worst impulses in people. And I mean, every day I get something crappy on social media and never in my email really. I mean, once every six months, but on social media, it's like, people will just write the most ridiculous things. So yeah. I still get hate mail, negative comments.

[00:47:49] My favorite one recently — well, there's a lot, right? But it's like, "You've sold out because the show has ads in it," and it's like, "Well, how do you think everyone here gets paid?" I mean, it's not there — we have less ads than most shows of the same length. Or people will be like, "You are causing people bodily harm by not recommending ivermectin or whatever, you know, drugs like du jour to combat — or like, "Why aren't you warning people that 5G towers cause COVID-19?" Like, I've heard that one recently, which is just right next to the Jews are lizard people in terms of credibility, I think, of nonsense. So I'm sorry your friend has taken — which I heard also, I know you're a lizard person that said I got that one maybe—

[00:48:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: To be fair, I am a lizard person and have been one for quite some time. 

[00:48:37] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, only lizard people use the word sobriquet in any sort of writing for casual conversation. So I'm sorry, your friend has taken it so hard. That sounds pretty intense. I'm glad you've learned to let some of this stuff not get to you, but first of all, I'm not completely immune to this stuff either. Yes, I've seen it as ridiculous and silly, but I've come a long way in letting negative comments roll off my back, but I'm not going to lie. They do still bother me sometimes, but it's not the ones you think. They bother me less than when somebody doesn't like me kind of way and more of a, "Wow, you just don't get what I'm doing here," kind of way, and, "You're not doing anything to contribute to society. All you're doing is tearing people down," kind of way. That's what I see when I see these people, you know, it's more of the frustration of being misunderstood or mischaracterized deliberately by somebody who's just a completely like a basement dwelling, neck beard than the pain of being disliked by that same basement dwelling, neck beard who's — because their opinion doesn't matter, but it's like, it's still, you know, some of that stuff can still at times get under my skin. And it's also a function of my mood that day, naturally. 

[00:49:39] There's partly also a function of getting older and having much more important stuff to think about in terms of me letting this roll off my back. But it's also a function of a lot of growth and I don't just let a random angry person on the Internet's opinion of me dictate how I feel about myself if I ever did. I certainly don't do it anymore. It's really as simple as that. 

[00:49:57] That said I'm a 41-year-old father of 1.5 kids so far, I'm not a 20 something woman who dresses up for a living and posts videos. There's just a different level of exposure there. My exposure and level of vulnerability to this kind of hate is far lower. If somebody says, "You're ugly," I'm like, "Well, I know that. So, and what? I'm not a model." And if somebody says like, "You're an idiot and a sell out," I'm like, "Okay, you don't even probably know what that means. You're the same person who said Joe Rogan is a sell out for going to Spotify because you can't play him on your favorite app any more." Like these aren't well, thought out critics but if I'm posting photos of myself in a costume I made and someone says, "You're fat, go kill yourself." It's like, well, ouch. You know, that does suck more because they're really cutting to what they know is going to hurt you to feel powerful. And I'll get to that in a second. 

[00:50:46] So I get why your friends would be more easily hurt. You know, you're putting yourselves out there in a very real way. It's more personal. Plus we all want to be loved and appreciated for what we do. So it would actually be kind of weird if we weren't a little bit bothered by this stuff, but it also helps to remember that most haters and trolls, they're working through some sh*t on their end, for real. When somebody comments on my YouTube channel, which I barely pay attention to. I'm focused on the podcast, but somebody on YouTube will say, "This interview sucks. I hate your face. You did a terrible job." And then there's like 78 other comments about how it's a great interview. I just know there's something else going on, especially when there's no punctuation and everything looks like one long sentence and half the words are misspelled. I know the person is small, angry, bitter, scared, envious, or just dealing with mental health stuff. And this is their way of discharging those feelings into the Internet. And on that level, I try to have empathy for them. 

[00:51:40] In fact, sometimes I'll respond to really negative vitriolic comments by saying something like, "Hey, is everything okay on your end?" And it's pretty fascinating. I'd say at least a third of the time people respond to that and they'll go, "Honestly, not really. I'm stressed out. I just got laid off. My dad's sick. I'm losing my house. I'm broke. Sorry. I took it out on you. You know, I love your interviews actually." I've gotten things, people to do one eighties on this. And I'm not making this up. This actually happens. And that reminds me that the best policy is usually empathy and forgiveness. I'm not saying you got to reach out to your haters. I just do that as an experiment. I don't think you need to bother, but the rest of the time, those people don't even have the guts to reply. Even though sometimes if I'm sending an email, there are people that send hate mails and I'll reply occasionally, just occasionally. And I can see them opening it like seven times from their phone and then from their computer and then from their phone again. So I know that they're just a needy, sad sack who wants attention and craves a little shred of power, but just has nothing going on for them, which is kind of pathetic on it, honestly.

[00:52:42] Also the platform you're working on plays a big role. The more credible the platform, the more credible the feedback and the more civil the conversation will be. For example, if you DM me on Instagram or on LinkedIn, and it's a well-reasoned email. You're sending me or whatever, I'll read it. But if this is a random tweet from an account that has four followers or a picture of a spam logo as your cover photo, or it's a YouTube comment from somebody with a nonsense name, I'm just going to ignore that. I recommend you ignore that and just delete the negativity. 

[00:53:15] But look, if one of your friends can't help, but read these comments, I recommend hiring a virtual assistant to screen and delete negative stuff before they even see it. It's a super small price to pay for sanity. A lot of VA's overseas, India, Philippines, they're like six bucks an hour, sometimes not even that much, then your friends can go in and engage. But all of the, you know, "You're a fat cow who will never reproduce, kill yourself," comments. Those can be all gone by the time they even log in for five bucks a day or less, they'll be able to continue their business, not even seeing that bullsh*t.

[00:53:48] And as you get older and more experienced, these people will sting less, but it's still worth having someone screen out the crazies in my opinion, especially if you're doing work in a visual format, you know? Yes. There's something about being inoculated to this by getting abused over time. But I don't think if you're 24 and you're posting photos of yourself and costumes that you've made, you need to lean into this. You can have somebody delete the psychos. There's no shame in that. Also, you just have to put all this into perspective. The truth is 99.9 percent of your fans enjoy your work. You're hearing from a tiny minority that supposedly hates you, but you think that they're a much larger percentage now because of how vocal they are.

[00:54:26] So let me explain here. For every 1000 people quietly enjoying your work, there might be one person who writes something positive because the rest of the people don't feel the need to say anything. They just want to watch you. And that's how they get their value and express their appreciation. I routinely get messages from people that say, "I've been listening to you for eight years. Thanks. I just want to say thanks. I never bothered to say thanks." But when it comes to your haters, probably at least half of them are taking the time to write something negative because they are desperate for your attention, your validation. That's how they get a return on their time and energy in being your fan. And yes, these negative people, they are fans. They are your fans. Sure,. Some might be flybys, but believe it or not, most of these people, especially the ones that say the worst stuff. They care a lot about you. They are just dysfunctional as hell and they can't interact normally. It's only dysfunctional people who reach out and get your attention for something that they supposedly don't want. You know, that's true because the most negative people, they comment on everything. They watch, read, listen to everything that you create. They're huge fans. They're just kind of f*cked up, honestly. You have to keep that in mind when evaluating your work through their eyes if you insist on doing that.

[00:55:35] That's my lens on this whole thing. Whether you engage with these a-holes or not, you have to make a conscious decision to not buy into their frequency. You have to choose to live by your own standards and not let all of these random anonymous opinions dictate your mood or your feelings about your work or — and this is the most important thing — your feelings about yourself. It sounds like you were already understanding that and maybe your friends have a little bit more work to do to get there. Maybe you can help them see that. You're going to be doing them a huge favor if you do. Unfortunately, haters and trolls are the price you pay for putting a piece of yourself out into the world. But in a way that's also a good sign. It means you're provoking people to have an opinion. You're riling them up enough to care. Just don't give them any more time than they deserve. Don't give them any more cycles in your brain than they deserve. Delete, ignore, move on, pour all that energy into creating more stuff. That is how you win. 

[00:56:30] By the way, I want to welcome all the new or new-ish listeners who came over from my friend, Laowhy86, who gave us a shout out on his YouTube channel. I love his videos. And if you haven't checked out, Laowhy86, L- A-O-W-H-Y-8-6 on YouTube. We'll link it in the show notes. Really, really interesting videos on China. He lived in China for a long time, has tons of interesting stories, tons of footage from traveling around town on a motorcycle, but also now it talks a lot about China, Chinese Communist Party, what they're really up to. What's going on with the flooding in China was a recent video that I really enjoyed. He's just really insightful and I love the videos on his channel. So definitely go check out Laowhy86 and again, welcome to everybody who came over from his channel. 

[00:57:10] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Check out the two-parter we did with Mickey Royal. If you haven't listened to that yet. Once again, the Six-Minute Networking course we mentioned earlier is at jordanharbinger.com/course. A link to the show notes for the episodes are at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. There's a video of this Feedback Friday on our YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. We have a clips channel. Cuts you won't see it anywhere else, jordanharbinger.com/clips. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also hit me on LinkedIn and you can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrieleMizrahi. 

[00:57:48] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own, and yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. And I was candidly, probably never a good lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. 

[00:58:26] We've got a preview trailer of our interview with Dr. James Fallon on how psychopath brains function differently from the rest of us and why psychopaths thrive in modern society. Check out episode 28 here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. 

[00:58:40] James Fallon: I'm a neuroscientist. Since about 1989, I've studied the brain imaging scans of killers, serial killers, really bad murderers, and in case I did one or two a year for many years. And then in 2005, 2006, I got sent a ton of them and I analyzed them. I said, "Oh my God, there's a pattern." So I saw this pattern that nobody had ever described, but at the same time, we were doing a clinical study on the genetics of Alzheimer's disease. And we had all the Alzheimer's patients we needed. So we needed normal, just normal controls. And so I asked my family, that was kind of my first mistake. I said, "Look, guys, you want it all to get in?" I got my brothers, my wife. I said, "We'll test you." And the idea of being that on my side of the family was there was no Alzheimer's at all. So we did it. 

[00:59:26] And then the two technicians walked into my office and on my right side, I had a pile of all of these murders' brain scans and they handed me a pile of my family scans and they were covered up. So I couldn't see the names. And so I went through well with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. I was really relieved that they looked, at the first pass, normal. And then I got to the last scan and I looked at it. I said, "Okay guys." I said, "This is very funny. You kidding around with each other, right?" And I said, "Okay, you switched it. You took one of the worst psychopaths from this pile of murders. And he switched it into my family. Ha-ha." And they go, "No, it's part of your family." I said, "You got to be kidding." I said, "This guy shouldn't be walking around in open society. It's probably a very dangerous person." So I had to tear back the covering on the name of it. And there was my name. 

[01:00:17] Jordan Harbinger: For more with Dr. James Fallon, including how to spot a psychopath in the wild, check out episode 28 here on The Jordan Harbinger Show.

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