If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Now that you’re on track to exercise, eat healthier, and lose weight, how can you help your significant other — who wants to do the same — get on track as well?
- Though you’ve come a long way in personal improvement over the past few years, you’re a late bloomer when it comes to relationships. How can you maintain self-esteem when you keep getting dumped for having stronger feelings than the other person?
- You’ve cleaned up your act and walked a straight and narrow path to sobriety after a long period of goofing off. Now you want to expand your career options, but your resume’s got some hard-to-explain gaps. What’s your best next step?
- You’ve been following our Six-Minute Networking steps and now you’re at the David Burkus-prescribed re-engagement with weak and dormant ties by text. How do you end the conversation in one of these texts without being awkward?
- After what seemed like genuine interest from a prospective employer and a promising couple of interviews, it’s been radio silence for the past two weeks. Are you being ghosted, or are you reading too much into the lapse in correspondence?
- We’ve dispensed plenty of advice on how to deal with the narcissists in your life — but what if you’re coming to the sobering realization that the narcissist in your group might actually be you? Do you need to learn how to better empathize with others, or are you just being hard on yourself?
- How do you build authority and trust when you’re in a position of power at your company, but you’re so young that a lot of your subordinates don’t seem to take you seriously?
- Tank’s Good News of the Week: “Sherlock” Star Benedict Cumberbatch Saves Cyclist from Muggers
- Recommendation of the Week: Jack Ryan
- Quick shoutout to Steve Goddard!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
- Have Alexa and want flash briefings from The Jordan Harbinger Show? Go to jordanharbinger.com/alexa and enable the skill you’ll find there!
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!
Resources from This Episode:
- TJHS 111: General Stanley McChrystal | Deconstructing the Myths of Great Leadership
- TJHS 112: Nilofer Merchant | Make a Difference from Anywhere in the Hierarchy
- Help! My Significant Other Doesn’t Want to Get Healthy! by Steve Kamb, Nerd Fitness
- Psychology Today Therapist Finder
- TJHS 103: Coss Marte | Staying out of Prison with Muscle and Conviction
- TJHS 106: Scott Harrison | How to Quench the World’s Thirst with Charity
- Six-Minute Networking
- TJHS 36: David Burkus | How to Become a Networking Superconnector
- TJHS 11: Feedback Friday | How to Deal with Conversational Narcissists
- TJHS 95: Feedback Friday | How to Break Free from Covert Narcissists
- Narcissistic Personality Quiz, PsychCentral
- 90% of Everything is Crap, and What To Do About It by Tim Kastelle, The Discipline of Innovation
- Tank’s Good News of the Week
- Jack Ryan
- TJHS 107: Feedback Friday | How to Stop Your Family from Believing Everything on the Internet
Transcript for How to Be Taken Seriously as a Young Boss | Feedback Friday (Episode 113)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer, Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests, and this week, we had General Stanley McChrystal talking about myths of leadership and how we can better deconstruct leaders to take on the characteristics we actually want for ourselves. And we had Nilofer Merchant, talking about the intersection between power ideas and status, especially in the workplace and especially with the people or groups of people whose ideas might not get enough play. So if you miss those shows this week, go and check those out, General Stanley McChrystal and Nilofer Merchant, both recent guests of the Jordan Harbinger Show. And of course our primary mission is to pass along our guests and our experiences and our insights as well along to you. In other words, the real purpose of this show is to have conversations directly with you and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you can keep them shorter or concise is probably a better word. It increases your chance of getting your question on the air, so I appreciate that. I'm hanging out in Australia. It has been a blast. Of course, I don't really take any time of off unplug. What is that? But I'm glad that we're able to keep these going because I know that if we missed a Feedback Friday, we'd have some people who'd be disappointed.,Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:16] I'd be disappointed as well. This is my favorite show over the week.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:19] Is it really? Because you get to talk a lot. Is that why?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:21] Oh, of course. Yeah, I can't always listen to your dulcet tones. I've got to listen to some of my own.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:26] That's right. That's right.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:27] I just love it. I love all the questions we get. It's fun. It is a fun show to do.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:30] Yes. We get some crazy stuff in the inbox, not all of it, which we can answer. I'm very tempted to do a show where it's just, here's all these questions we couldn't answer, but that are kind of insane. But I don't know how valuable, I don’t know how valuable any of that is. But some of the stuff we get is like, “Okay, this is a pretty unique situation with no real good solution, but there's kind of entertainment value to it, even though that person -- maybe entertainment's not our greatest way to describe someone's personal conundrums slash drama slash tragedy, but you know what I mean?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:01] Putting people's pain on parade sometimes isn't the best way to go.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:05] It could be a little tacky. That's why we haven't done that yet. All right, well, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:09] Hey guys, I'm 26 years old and I work and go to school full time, so does my girlfriend. We've been together for four years and living together for two. I used to be overweight by 40 pounds and now I'm down 27 pounds. I also go to the gym and started eating healthy about a year ago. However, my girlfriend doesn't eat so well or workout, but she says she wants to lose weight. When I first met her, she was in shape and about 130 pounds at 5’7. Now she's 185 pounds, and honestly, I would like to know how I can get her to be healthier because being overweight and eating bad kind of bugs me considering I'm choosing a healthier lifestyle. How do I talk to her about this issue without hurting your feelings because I love her and I want her to not only look good, but feel good as well? Thanks guys. I really appreciate the advice, Not A Chubby Chaser.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:54] What? You made that name of him. There's no way he wrote in with that one.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:58] Of course, I made that up.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:59] Okay, Yes, like that's mean kind of.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:03] It's a pre-coffee handle.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:05] Gotcha, okay. All right, first of all, there's something mor -- just forget about getting people to lose weight and figuring out how to make it easy for your partner and all that stuff. There's something more severe wrong here. If she's gained that much in a short period of time. What Jason, you said she was 130, and now two years later she's 185.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:24] Yeah, she gained 55 pounds.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:27] Yeah, that's a lot. That's not like, “Oh man, we both gained 15 pounds and we're trying to get it up, or even 25, if you just really let things go. 55 pounds.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:36] That’s a lot.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:37] Yeah, and I'm not trying to belittle anyone, I'm trying to sort of draw a distinction here, like you can sort of negligently gain 15 pounds, if you have kind of like crummy diet, crummy metabolism, you're not working out, genetics always play a role here, but to have a consistent gain of more than 25 pounds a year for two straight years that you kind of, and I'm choosing my words carefully here. You kind of have to try for that. Does that make sense, Jason? Like this isn't like, “Oh, I just, sorry, I live next to a really good burger place, so I go there too much.” This is like you're eating to fill, you use the cliché, like you're eating to fill the gap in your life somewhere. You're depressed, you're eating compulsively maybe. It's more than just like, “Oh, I've really let myself go before,” especially if she was in shape at 130, like athletic at that point.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:34] And in their mid-20s, which is when you know, you have actually have a metabolism that works. It's not like they're in their 40s where it's like really easy to gain that much weight, but they're in their 20s. where it's kind of hard to do that.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:44] Oh yeah. And again, everybody genetically is different. When I was in my 20s, I was that guy who could like eat burgers with bacon and cheese on them seven days a week, minimum one meal, two meals a day. And I'd be like, I'd go home and eat only Cheetos to my mom's house and I lose weight because of my diet at college. But I wasn't fat, I was just at the gym all the time. This is totally different. This is different. You're in your 20s, and you've gained this much weight. Yeah, so there's something going on here. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. This is not just about having time or motivation to eat healthy. There's some emotional stuff happening here, and I would say Not A Chubby Chaser, you're with somebody who you love and they're enabling your unhealthy behavior and pushing back maybe when you say you want to make changes. I'm not saying that's happening. It sounds like maybe she's just not on board, but you got to be careful because it's really hard to tell your loved one, “Hey, you should lose weight, you should start eating better.” And then sometimes they'll say things like, “Well, I like you just the way you are,” so you're going to end up with some of resistance there. This sounds almost like she's just checked out and not caring. So that signals to me that there's something else going on. There's no real good way to tell somebody things like you need to lose weight or you really should start exercising. So if you're really worried about her. It's clear, she's already self-conscious about this. I don't think anybody could not be self-conscious about this. So she's just going to get defensive if you start with a discussion about their health or experience, if you nag her to exercise or telling them they should be doing this, they should be doing that. It's got to be her idea or she's going to reject it quickly, give up at the first sign of resistance.
[00:06:25] Remember this, anytime we make a decision to change, there are some entrepreneurial type people and a lot of you might be like this too, but most of us take years to really make the decision. Jason, you know what I'm talking about, right? Like you can say I'm going to do this, but that one time when it sticks, that was the time you committed, and it's not as simple as being like I commit. Like you kind of have to have, it's like addictive behavior. You've got to have that thing where yeah, you kind of quit and then you kind of did and then he lost some friends, then he kind of quit and you kind of didn't, then you lost your girlfriend. Then you kind of quit, you kind of did, and now your brother's not talking to you and they kind of quit and you kind of didn't and then you got evicted and your parents aren't talking to you and your brother's not talking to you, and then you go, “Oh, it's me.” This is a problem. Crap. Okay, I kind of, yeah, okay, I got to do something about this. Like you have to -- I hate the phrase hit rock bottom when it's just weight loss, but like I said.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:18] but it's still applies. It really does.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:21] It does. And the fact is, I'm betting that if we dig deeper on this, let's say we sit in a room with a therapist for a few hours with her and this guy and Not A Chubby Chaser. She's depressed or something. There's something going on here. So I had a bunch of other ideas and like how to be active together and how to encourage somebody, but those tips all kind of miss the point.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:48] Yeah. This is emotional.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:50] This emotional. The real reason is why she's gained so much weight in the past few years and isn't necessarily motivated to lose it. There's something else going on here, which you cannot, which you cannot find out yourself. I strongly recommend couples therapy because it's not about the weight. Like I said, she's depressed. She's otherwise unmotivated, maybe stress, maybe there's a lot of stress in her life. You've got to treat the cause. We've got to treat the cause, the stress, the relationship issue, the life event that she's not sharing with you is really affecting her.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:19] Or it could be happiness. She's found this guy, they're like soul mates and she doesn't feel like she needs to keep in shape anymore because she's found the one and doesn't have to really worry about being out in the field anymore and says, “Oh well, I've got him now. I don't really have to care about it anymore.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:35] Yeah, it's possible.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:37] I see it happen. It's rare, but I have seen it happen.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:39] But here's the only -- I've totally, totally with you on that. In fact, that it had occurred to me. However, there's one line in here that makes me think otherwise. At the bottom of the second paragraph, he says, however my girlfriend doesn't eat so well or workout, but she says she wants to lose weight.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:55] Ah okay, yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:56] Because if you don't give a fart because you're in a coupled situation and you're like, screw it, we love eating and it's not worth it to us, like this is our primary joy in life, and your little overweight. It's a choice you've made. You're not like, “Yeah, I should lose weight.” You're like, “No, I love cooking and I love eating this, and I'm Guy Fieri. All right, I’m going to be overweight.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:18] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:19] You know?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:22] I have really ugly shirts and terrible hair. Love you, babe. See you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:25] Exactly. Look, I'm going to eat, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to dye my beard and hair blonde and stick it up straight and wear a bunch of piercings and tattoos and nobody's going to notice. And then I'm going to say flavor town 84 times in every episode, and nobody's going to notice that I'm slightly overweight. So that line, however she's at blah, blah, blah, but she says she wants to lose weight. That's what makes me think that she's just like, “Yeah, I want to lose weight.” And then it's like, “Ugh, but I can't,” or “I won't do anything to do it.” Granted, she could just be like, “Screw it. I'm going to be fat. You love me anyway.” But I don't know. We don't know. We don't have enough info here.
[00:09:59] I think there's something going on. We got to treat the cause, the stress, the work issue, and not just the symptoms such as the weight itself, because the other symptom could be, “Oh yeah, she's a little lethargic.” “Oh, it's because she's overweight.” Is it? Or is she getting a little bit depressed for other reasons? “Oh, she says that she doesn't like her job anymore.” “Oh, well is it because her boss is mean to her?” Or “Is it because it's so early or they're demanding a lot of her and she's always tired?” “Oh, it's because she's overweight.” Is it though? Or does she have somebody bullying her at work? We don't know. There's something else going on here.
[00:10:33] So you have to go to somebody who can tell you what that is or help her figure out what that is. And if you're do it together, it'll make her, in my opinion, if you go to couples therapy and you do it together, it might make her feel less like something is wrong with her and you're sending her to the doctor rather than you're both working on your relationship. That's why I recommend couples therapy with this stuff because otherwise it's kind of like, “Hey babe, you getting pretty fat. I bought you a personal trainer for your birthday. You're welcome.” That's like kind of insensitive.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:01] Relationship over.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:01] Relationship over. But if you say, “Hey Hon, I finally got us that squash club or tennis club membership that you and I had been talking about. I got it for both of us for Christmas.” That's like, “Hey, let's both do an activity.” So there's a difference here. That's why I choose couples therapy just in case anybody's wondering why I harp on that, and couples therapists out there know what I'm talking about because I'm pretty sure that's how they, that's how they roll. They're keen on this as well. What's the next thing out of the mailbag, Jason?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:28] Dear Jordan and Jason, I'm a 26 year old journalist who speaks multiple foreign languages and lives in a big city. The point is, I got into a relationship for the first time when I was 25 years old, which means I have a poor relationship record. Till then, during the high school and university years, no one wanted to date me because I used to be a chubby kid, always reading her books. I constantly got bullied. Nevertheless, I've always invited guys to go out with me, grab some coffee or something and almost always got rejected because of, as they said, I was overweight, too smart for them, or they just wanted to be friends. Now I'm just 68 kilos, which is 150 pounds for you, dirty Americans who can't figure out what kilos mean.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:07] How much is it?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:09] 150 pounds.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:10] Oh, okay.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:11] The guy I mentioned above dumped me after four months of the relationship because he thought I'd developed feeling stronger than his. The point is, I was just too excited about finally having met someone. Two weeks ago, I'd started dating someone else, but he left me as well because of the same reason. All of these really effected my self-esteem. Everyone says I'm nice and interesting to talk to, but nobody wants to become my boyfriend. What should I do? Thank you for your advice, Frustrated.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:36] Oh man, this is a bummer. She doesn't -- I mean 150 is not slender, but I will tell you there are guys all over the place that like this. So I think that she is sort of missing the point here, but I'll get to that in a second.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:53] We also don't know how tall she is.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:54] We don't know. Yeah, we don't know, but even if she's like, what? Sorry, this is super insensitive, but I'm just going to say, remember that certain mixed a lot song where he's like 36, 24, 36, only if she's 5’3, remember that?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:08] Oh yes!
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:07] I never knew that. It took me like two decades to figure out what that meant because I was too young.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:12] Jordan’s not good at math at the time.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:13] And I'm bad at math. Yeah, I'll put that up to it. Anyway, this is tough because you're getting excited and you're scaring people away. She is, of course. And it makes sense, and it happens when people lack experience in relationships because they essentially lack the situational confidence that comes with that. It's just like if you go up to a karaoke bar and you find out it's not a little room, but at giant stage and everyone's staring at you. You're like, “Oh crap, I've got to be a singer now.” That's why you don't do karaoke in Hollywood. You ever try that, Jason? And everyone's like, basically an extra or a reject from The Voice, so they're amazing.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:48] Yeah, yeah. I've actually gone to karaoke where, what was it? What was the show with Simon Cowell back in the day? It's not America's Got Talents. The other one.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:57] Yeah, the star search but for our generation?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:01] Yeah, whatever that one is. I would go to karaoke and the entire cast would be there for that week, singing karaoke, and it's just like you cannot get up on stage then because this is like a bunch of pros out there. It’s terrifying.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:11] Yeah, we've had like six beers and you're like hold on guys, it’s going to be a journey song, I think and they’re like --
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:18] I always did the Carpenters, I was always a fan of the Carpenters.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:21] Fine. You're doing the carpenters and they're doing like a perfect imitation of a Celine Dion Titanic soundtrack.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:27] Exactly.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:28] Anyway, I'm not sure how we got on this track, but what I will say is that when you lack situational confidence, there we go. In any area, in any situation, you're going to have a certain type of mindset, a results oriented mindset perhaps that is going to be bad for you. So you get excited, you scare people away, and I'll talk about that in a minute. So the fix for this isn't so simple, I'm afraid. It's going to be like play hard to get or play aloof. That's the amateur move that you read and I don't know Reader's Digest or something like that and it's going to blow up in your face. It'll make you miserable. It'll add an element of drama into your life that you do not need and it'll scare off good stable men who don't like to play games aka the mature man, you probably actually want a date. It'll scare off all those guys.
[00:15:16] So a couple of things you need to do here to get back to even keel or a stable situation. One, you need to realize that the guys you start to date are not special, at least not within the first few weeks. You meet lots of guys, you have lots of options, you just don't know it yet. You've got a scarcity mentality. You think that men who like you are so rare and so few and far between because of your past, this is a reasonable fear based on your past. But what it does is it conditions you to latch on to the guys that you think are accessible because they paid attention to you, and this causes you to act needy, which is a major turnoff for most guys. There's nothing that's sort of more of a turnoff than a clinger. A stage five clinger. It's just somebody who you don't like you're running away from them, they're running towards you, it just causes you to run further. You're not like, “Oh great, this person really cares for me.” It doesn't work like that especially with men.
[00:16:11] So the fix is meet more guys, use the apps, go out with people, go to bars, chat with people, whatever. I mean you don't have to go to bars, that's so boring. I recommend signing up for classes and activities and then meeting people there that aren't just out drinking and cruising for booty. But the more you meet people, men and women, the more you realize that at your age you have lots of time. The more you date, the longer you date men non-exclusively. So you don't just jump into relationship to relationship. And you're like, “Oh, this is my boyfriend now.” If you do the non-exclusive thing, the more desirable and in demand you'll actually be and you’ll stop putting these guys up on a pedestal just because they're willing to date you, which is exactly what's happening. And I would say, there's a lot of guys that will go for your type, quote unquote. So you have to get that internalized by meeting people in normal situations. That's what you need to do and it'll start to reprogram you a little bit. Two, stop giving up the booty so early. How do I know you're doing that? Well--
Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:15] You know it, you know it.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:17] You know it. It's a mate retention strategy. And when women have a scarcity mindset like you do, like your exhibiting here, like I mentioned, you all tend to put out a little bit more easily, and I'm not judging, I don't care either way. The reason I say this is a problem is because when you hook up with somebody, especially when you have sex with them, your brain chemicals and oxytocin start going pretty bananas. And when this happens, you're basically drunk on oxytocin and you start getting needier if the other person doesn't reciprocate, and this is a vicious cycle that can push men away and often does push men away.
[00:17:51] And last but not least, keep developing yourself. I love what you said about being a journalist and you speak multiple foreign languages. It shows that you value those skills in yourself. I think learning more skills, developing abilities, working on your career will cement yourself in your own mind about how much of a catch you are. And this is important because the next time you're tempted to treat a guy like a priority, when he's only treating you as an option, you'll remember that you've got more to offer than just your waistline. And these things are going to take a while to internalize. It's not an overnight fix, but these ideas will get you started. These ideas and these practices will get you started. But I wouldn't worry about it. What I'm reading here is a lot of sort of growing pains, I think. Adulting, it's hard. It happens. Yeah, but it's good work.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:40] She sounds interesting.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:40] Yeah, totally. A journalist that speaks multiple foreign languages and lives in a big city. I mean that's sounds super interesting.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:48] Yeah. I'd say she's a catch, so I wouldn't worry about it. Just take Jordan's advice, and you'll be fine.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:54] And if you want a long distance relationship with Jason. Jason@jordanharbinger.com.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:00] I got to figure out what kilos means though.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:03] Yeah. Well don't worry about it. Don't be so shallow, Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:07] I'm a metric racist.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:10] A metricist?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:11] Metricist, yes.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:12] All right. What’s next out of the mailbag?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:15] Good morning, Jordan, Jason and Jen. I recently started on my path to self-improvement after wasting a bunch of time trying to drown out my problems with alcohol. I used every excuse you could think of to drink. I didn't like myself. I didn't like where I lived. I made it back from Iraq, et cetera. To make matters worse, I moved to Las Vegas after getting out of the military where I went to college and somehow managed to graduate with a degree in marketing, but also earned a degree in partying. I ended up leaving Las Vegas in 2012 to move back to Idaho because I thought Las Vegas was why I was drinking so much. What's that old line? No matter where you go, there you are.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:49] Yeah, exactly.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:50] Naturally, it wasn't anyone's fault but my own, and with the help of the court, I've been sober for over a year now. That sounds ominous.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:56] Yeah, but you know it's funny how that's phrased. It's because I think some people really, that's the wakeup call they need.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:03] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:04] Right.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:05] That's the rock bottom.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:06] That's the rock bottom. Hey, we're taking away your kids and stuff or whatever. Like, “Oh crap!” This isn't working for me.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:12] Since I've been sober, my best friend invited me to his wedding because he knew I wasn't going to be a shit show. Ironically enough, it was on a bachelor party trip for this wedding that I discovered your podcast, instead of listening to music on the six hour drive, we listened to podcasts. This was the first time I'd heard a podcast and participated in a sober bachelor party. Since 2014, I've worked in the construction industry and didn't really care about anything except making enough money to drink plus pay bills. I graduated seven years ago, and haven't really done much with my degree in marketing, but I'm going to get back into it now. I don't have much experience and it's been awhile since I graduated. My idea is to volunteer at a local nonprofit to get some experience under my belt and get back into the industry. Do you have any advice on how to get back into a career after this much time off? I enjoy your show very much and everything that falls under the self-improvement umbrella, but it comes from unexpected areas like the podcast about the prison workout company or the one about quenching the world's thirst with charity. Thank you for your time, On The Road To Recovery. I really liked this one. What do you think, Jordan?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:13] This is a good one. I love stuff like this actually. I love that you cleaned up. You're starting a new career. This is awesome to see, I'm so grateful to have listeners like you writing in as well. I'm loving this Feedback Friday so far, just in general actually. And all right, so this is mostly good news. You had a job in construction and you weren't just sitting on a couch playing Xbox. Respect. If anyone asks why you went into construction, you'd tell them you had some great projects, you were making great money with it and you really enjoyed it. That's really kind of all they need to know. You could say it was hard to resist because the money was really good and that's kind of, I don't think anybody can really judge too hard there. And you can even say, “Look, I'm getting older now and I realize I want something more stable. I'm ready for new challenge.” This way you don't have to feel awkward about having a construction job in your past. You spin it into a strength, and I would say most companies don't care at all if your degree is in the field you're wanting to work in. Sure, if you're going to be a lawyer, you need a law degree, but generally companies aren't really going to care if this degree is in marketing or something else. They care about experience, and honestly experienced doing almost any job is usually better than a degree in a field with no experience at all. If you want to get experience in marketing, a nonprofit is a great beginning, but ideally you'll be able to see if they're planning to hire for a position anytime soon. And volunteering can often be a good start, but it can be a dead end as far as actually getting a paid gig.
[00:22:43] So make sure that you are very clear about your intentions to secure a paid position in the future. And you should be very specific about when like I, in one year, I'm going to want to get hired as this in the cards. Great. And you're going to brought to make that known. Don't just say, “In the future, I hope for a paid position.” And they go, “Yeah, us too.” That's not you getting a job. That's, I hope money falls from the sky and we get to hire everyone that we ever wanted to hire.” That's not going to work. So you got to be careful and be specific and get a plan in mind and start looking elsewhere, if you start to find that this isn't really moving forward so much. And three, I would talk to recruiters. Often recruiters can help position you for positions that fit your skillset and they'll sell you to the companies that are hiring. So you're not walking in there cold. I would say that. Jason, what do you think?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:38] I think he should definitely use the internet to get his skills polished because marketing has changed a lot in the last seven years since he got his degree. And there are so many resources for marketers out there. I mean you can throw a rock and hit a marketer like just walking down the street nowadays. So you need to find out exactly what the state of the art is and what the cutting edge is, and try and get ahead of it. Don't skate to where the puck was, go to where it's going to be, and I think that will really help you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:03] So this sounds like a great start, man. I wish you the best of luck and congrats on getting and staying sober, and I think you're going to have you got a whole career ahead of you. It's kind of exciting. I wouldn't worry so much about it.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:17] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:20] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. Listen, we talk a lot about effective networking and relationship building on this show. Anyone who's been listening for a while understands the basics of connecting with and being a value to people who help us become better at who we are and what we do. But it's hard to get traction when your new connections look for you online and they see you don't even have a website. I'll admit I'm a little judgy with that myself and worse, maybe the only mention of you online is from some troll who's got a bone to pick with you or with your business. Why should that troll have control over your reputation when HostGator can have your website up and running today with you in the driver's seats? No experience with code necessary. If you can use a web browser, you can build your own website, no fuss, no muss. That's why we recommend HostGator's Website Builder. HostGator has a hundred plus mobile friendly templates, so it's going to look good on a tablet, phone, computer. You want WordPress one click, add-ons couple clicks like PayPal so people can buy directly from your website. SEO plugins to help you show up higher in search, and 99.9 percent up time. Great tech support, 24/7, 365, and it's not going to break the bank. HostGator's. given our wonderful listeners up to 62 percent off all packages for new users with a 45 day complete money back guarantee and you get unlimited email addresses based from your website. Most places don't offer that, so you ended up getting up-sold because you want to have one for yourself and one for your assistant, et cetera. Go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.
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Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:08] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/advertisers, and if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now, let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:34] All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:35] Hey Jordan. I'm finding the texting people to reengage old contacts that I'm learning in your Six-Minute Networking Online Course very fun and rewarding. Even if it seems a little awkward to me to reach out. I feel extra awkward about the end of these catch up mini conversations. Sometimes they just seem to Peter out. Sometimes communication just stops because one of us in parentheses, them gets busy after the conversation goes for a bit. Any tips on closing out these mini conversations so the other person doesn't have a “Well, that was weird response.” Not that they do, just assuming the worst. Thanks, Socially Awkward Texter.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:09] Great question. This is the type of question where I can tell you're actually doing Six-Minute Networking Course because this is one of the first things that crops up, so kudos for taking action there. First off, you nailed it. Nobody or almost nobody thinks that it's weird. You do, but most people aren't even thinking about this. Text conversations, Peter off all the time, and that's kind of how texting goes. I don't think I'm ever like, “Okay, that's all from me in the for now. Bye.” I don't ever do that. I just sort of let it go.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:37] Chao, baby! I'll catch you on the flip side.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:39] It's rare. Yeah, it's pretty rare. It's just usually it just sort of dies out. And look, if you really want to put a button on things on it at the end of a conversation, you can end conversations with something like I know you've probably got a crazy week ahead, speak soon and let me know if I can ever be of service. That's basically my default. Like let me know if I can ever be of help or service or let me know if I can ever do anything for you, that kind of thing. This sort of puts a bow on things and leaves the conversation open. Also acknowledging that you're both busy, so if they don't get back to you for a few weeks, they can be like, “Yeah, well, it was really busy.” It also works if someone's talking your ear off. So if you get 87 texts, they can write back or you can write back, “Hey, I know you probably got a crazy week. I for sure got a crazy week as well, speaks to and let me know how I can help you out.” It's sort of rather than reacting to every single text message and getting roped into something that you don't really want to be in, but most people don't think it's weird just to, just to sort of let it go.
[00:29:39] In the end, you're mostly being self-conscious here, because you're new to Six-Minute Networking. You're new to reaching out to these dormant and weaker ties, and I don't even think about this stuff being weird anymore. I'm known in my circle, of course, as a relationship builder and a networkers to nobody in that immediate circle thinks that it's odd, but I'll tell you, at higher levels of business, most people are actually really grateful for super connectors. So they probably think that you're super on top of things as opposed to some weirdo who texted them out of the blue, because most people are grateful somebody reached out. It's very unlikely someone's like, “Wow, this is weird,” and then he just ended a thread. I just don't see anybody coming to that conclusion, and if you all want to give this stuff a shot as well, advancedhumandynamics.com/levelone. This is essentially the course I made to show people that you do have a network. You can reach out in just a few minutes per day. You can dig the well before you're thirsty. You don't have to be some sort of fancy -- at some fancy black tie event to network or some mixer at the YMCA. Go grab the course, minutes per day. You don't have to go anywhere. Advancedhumandynamics.com/levelone is where that's at.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:48] And I've been using this stuff recently since I moved back to Los Angeles after a couple of years being gone, and I'm connecting with all my old friends from the movie business and when we used to make movie websites and posters and stuff like that, and it's been really actually gratifying to reconnect with these people because I was really bad at this. I was really bad at keeping my connections up and I understand where he's coming from with the weird drop off and the text messages because getting used to it, when I first started doing this, I'm just like, “Ah, I feel like it's weird,” at the end, but now it's just like, “Hey, I'll talk to you later man. If you need anything from me, I'm here. Just give me a call and I'll help you out.” And those connections have really started to blossom again, and I'm talking to a lot of my old friends and it's been really helpful. So definitely check out Six-Minute Networking because you can really like build these old connections back up and it is, it's really gratifying, I got to say.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:38] Yeah, I personally, I love doing this. I wouldn't have created this course if I didn't think it was a game changer. So thanks Jason. I didn't realize you were using all that stuff. That's great.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:47] Absolutely, man. I listen to you every day. I got to you know, eat our own dog food in the biz.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:52] That’s right.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:53] And it's actually been really, really gratifying. So thank you, Jordan.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:57] You're welcome. All right, what else we got?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:00] Hello, Jordan and Jason. I work in a tech field and recently I was aggressively recruited by a fast moving and compelling startup company. After two multi hour visits and meetings with most of the management team and a number of productive phone calls, we reached the point of negotiating a job offer. In accordance with some of your suggestions, I declined the name of salary figure and let them make the first offer. After a great discussion they said they would get a package together to review within two or three days. It's now been over two weeks and I've heard nothing back. I've sent some basic inquiries to folks at the company but haven't heard anything. I'm quite confused as they initiated the process and regardless of whether this job opportunity becomes a reality, I still want to maintain these valuable network connections for future opportunities. I'm excited about their mission and I've invested in number of hours of my own exploring this opportunity and deciding whether it would be a good fit for myself and my family, and I'd like to get some closure from the organization would ever that might entail. I finally did get a short response after I made some more queries to other folks in the organization that said they got caught up in some deliverables and hiring decisions got momentarily sidelined. They say they are still very enthusiastic. I'm excited that they're still considering me for this position, but I'm unsure of how to proceed. I'm also a little concerned with how the lack of responsiveness might reflect on the work environment itself. Am I reading too deeply into this and should I just roll with it? Thanks for your advice, Career Confused.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:26] Okay, yikes. So I feel bad for this guy. This sucks. I know that feeling. That sucks. So let me just empathize with you for a second here, man. What a pain in the butt. Now, he said good for his family so that makes me a little worried because whenever I see startup I'm like suck it up, you're 25, you can eat pizza for three years. That's how this works. But he doesn't sound 25, he sounds like he's got a lot of other concerns.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:58] Wife and kids.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:58] A wife and kid, yeah. And so take into consideration the risk of working at a startup. If you're 23, it is much different than if you're 33. There's a lot of unknowns. There are a lot of variables. Maybe they're funding didn't get approved. A key decision maker was dragging their feet. Even if it doesn't pan out, you can always keep the relationship with the people at the company. And I recommend that you do that because you can always work for them in the future. Maybe right now's not a good time for reasons mentioned before, but this is a little bit of a bad sign about the management of this company. They said they'd respond within two to three days, but they didn't do what they say they would do. So like I get not being able to give you the job right away even though they thought they were going to, but to not even have the courtesy to say after three or four days, “Hey, sorry this is taking longer than we thought. We've got a manage deliverables or whatever the excuse was, we'll get back to you. Sit tight.” Nothing just to ghost and then to not respond to your follow-up emails and stuff, that's weird. That's negligence. So I don't know, Jason, you've worked in startups. What do you think?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:03] In a normal company, I would say that's extremely rude and untenable and you should not work for that company. But I've worked in several startups, and personally, I've actually seen this happen before. When you're in smaller teams, everyone is wearing a lot of hats and when you have deadlines, a lot of things do get put on hold because shipping the product is extremely important. So the head of HR might also be the CTO. So if he's got to like work on a deliverable that has to get out the door because the board says “You need to meet these deadlines,” then I can see that happening. And when I was a Technorati back in the early 2000, the old blog search engine. We stopped recruiting when we had big code pushes coming up because new people actually are a time suck. They take a lot of time to actually get them up to speed. So you have to take somebody off the team and off the project to train them up. You see what I'm saying?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:56] Yeah, yeah, I do.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:58] Yeah, yeah, definitely. If the board has mandated milestones that you have to hit, then you do pull the plug on recruiting. And once that's done, once the milestones done and you ship, you can take a breather, take some of the team off, get the new people in, train them up for the next milestone. So I understand why if they're a small startup and they have limited team why this could happen. But every company is unique and I personally wouldn't read a lot into it if there's still new, if it's like 10 to 20 person team, this stuff is going to happen to them. It's always going to happen. And by the way, hold onto your hat, because startup life is tough if you do get the job. There was this one sprint that I worked at Technorati for 40 days straight. Literally got blisters on my fingers from coding, you know 10 hours a day.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:45] Wow!
Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:45] And it was bleeding on my laptop, and all I got was free Band-Aids and a get back to work because we got to ship mandate from the management. But there is something supremely satisfying about making something from scratch at a startup and getting in early on a team is really hard, but it can be very rewarding down the line, especially if he's got a family and he gets the stock options and they actually ship and get something out there. But my startup history has been -- I worked for a lot of startups and never cashed out. I literally have my Technorati stock options in the bathroom in a frame with a little sign that says “In case of emergency, break glass,” because it's just as valuable as toilet paper. Those stock options.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:28] Oh really?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:28] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:29] What happened?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:31] Oh, the company just went under and they sold it for nothing.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:33] Oh, I didn't realize.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:34] Yeah, yeah. No, they kind of went away. We did a lot of stuff with Google and Yahoo, and basically everybody would come in and say they want to buy us. We'd tell them how we did everything that we did. They went back home and then just replicated it and stole it from us.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:49] Oh wow. That sucks.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:51] Welcome to startup land, man. That's how it goes sometimes, because you have to open the kimono when these people want to buy your company. And then they're just like, “Well we didn't really sign much. What can we take from this, and then just replicate on our end.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:03] Right. Like $20 million to buy this company and have it done overnight of 21 or sorry, $19 million to do it in six months with our current team that's already paid and hired.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:16] Yeah, exactly. So if you ever see Yahoo, back in the day when Yahoo blog search or Google blog search started, they basically came and took all the technology that we had built for years and just ran with it and left us out in the cold.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:30] Oh man!
Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:31] It happens at the startup life, you know, it is a crapshoot. Most startups fail. So that's what I'm saying, be cognizant of that possibility that you could work there for two, three, five years, and still walk away with nothing but an experience and a paycheck during it. Because most startups, if they're a well-funded startup, you will make a decent amount of money. I made a ton of money working at Technorati. I loved it, but it got to the point where it's like, “Oh man, it's killing me.” Because once the panic attacks start, then it's time to move on.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:01] Oh my God! Yeah, the last thing I will note is if it took them two weeks to get back to you, because they're so busy, that's how you're going to be. If it took them two weeks to get back to you, because everything is in chaos over there and you just don't see it yet, that's going to be you. So like there's a reason somebody took that long to get back to you about something simple and that's going to be your working environment. Also imagine if this was your supposed to get a promotion in two months and they're like, “Sorry.” And then eight months later they're like, “Look, we're still working on it.” Are you going to feel good in that career? Because this might be the MO of this particular startup.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:37] Yeah. And especially in in startups because like the board is out fundraising for the next round. Their series A, their series B, their series C, they're not there all the time. So you have to like pick up the slack for them. It's a hard life. I will not, I will not front on anything about that. It is a hard life working at a startup and most of them fail. So if you have a family, just make sure you do your due diligence on the viability of this company going forward because you really need to have that like on lockdown and not go into somebody that's just like, “Hey we got $100,000 angel funding and we think we're going to be the next Twitter. Yeah, probably ain't going to happen for you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:16] Yeah, yeah. Well by the way, if you work for a cool startup, let me know. Shoot me a message on Twitter or Instagram @jordanharbinger, on Twitter or Instagram. I'm so curious what people are doing. Because whenever I hear of startups people are like, “Hey, next time you're in the city let me know if you ever want to come see.” And it's like this startup that makes the rings that, the aura ring, the body tracking ring. I'm like “Yeah, I want to go see that. Are you kidding? That seems really interesting.” And they're like “Oh, okay.” So I kind of, I kind of do that sometimes when I have time which is almost never, but it is interesting too to see what people are working on. So I got into SpaceX like the first couple of years it was open.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:53] Oh, that's cool. That's very cool.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:54] Jen and I's second date was at SpaceX.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:57] No way. That's really awesome. Oh, now I understand why you have your license plate that you do.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:02] That's right. Yeah, because it's funny, I won't go on this for too long, I promise. But what happened, we went out for sushi one night and then like it was like the day after, two days later. I was like “Hey, do you want to go to SpaceX? Because I'd called all my buddies, none of them could make it or wanting to go, and then there were a bunch of other people that, just didn't care to go. And I was like, “Hey, I'm going to this thing called SpaceX. I don't know if you've heard of it, would you want to come?” She's like, “Are you kidding? That sounds awesome.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” Because my friends are like, “Nah, what is that?” And then other women that I was dating at the time, there were only a couple. I was like, “Do you want to go to SpaceX? I haven't seen you in a while.” And they're like, “What is it?” I'm like, “Oh, it's where Elon Musk is manufacturing the rockets.” And they were like, “Oh, so it's like a factory?” And I'm like, “Yeah, well we'd go eat after or something.” And they were like, “I don't know. Why don't we just go, let's just go eat later. I don't really want to go to the factory.” I'm like, “Okay, fine.” So I obviously married the right girl.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:56] You definitely did. But I'm kind of bummed you didn't invite me to go to SpaceX. That would have been fun. I just saw my first lunch the other day and it was amazing.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:04] Did we work together at that time?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:06] Oh yeah. No, we were working together when you met Jen.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:09] Well, forget I told that story then.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:13] I will scrub it from my memory.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:15] That was awkward. All right.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:17] Awkward.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:18] Next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:19] Hi Jordan, Jason, and Jen. You've been making my life significantly better since I started listening to you in 2012, longtime listener. I have a quick question. How does one cure narcissism? How do you grow to care more about others? In my case, I find that I have a very hard time remembering anecdotes or stories involving my friends, whereas I find that a few friends of mine are able to recount things I've done from far back in the past. I can remember my own history very well, but I can't reciprocate that for others, best friends included. I know I do a great job in the moment caring about people and making sure they feel considered and appreciated. However, I still see this flaw in me and wish to be better all around. I noticed many questions recently on how to deal with narcissists, but what if you are one? All the best, Looking For The Empathy Switch.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:07] So here's a letter. I don't know where to begin with this one. It's kind of like, “Hi, I think I'm a narcissist because I don't treat other people or remember their lives as well as I remember my own life. How can I become a nicer person? Because clearly I'm narcissist right now and I really care so much about other people that I don't want them to feel bad. Please help me know not to be such a self centered narcissist.”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:29] I know!
Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:30] Right. Like it doesn't make any sense. It's funny, I'm laughing because you're not a narcissist, okay?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:37] Maybe look up narcissist in the dictionary first because you're not a narcissist.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:41] Right. Like you're not even like a selfish person at all. I would say how do you know you're a narcissist? First of all, here's a real letter or paraphrasing from a narcissist, because we do get them. They say things like, “Hey Jordan, I want to know how I can carry on an affair with a woman and not get caught because this woman's better for me in some ways, and I like her and she's prettier than my wife, but my wife takes care of our kids and I know that if I divorce her, there's going to be a lot of drama and it's going to be expensive. What do you suggest?” That's a real letter that I would get from a narcissist. Just like, “Hey, I want all of these things and I don't want,” not like, “Oh, and I'm torn between the two. It's just that one's prettier than my wife and if my wife finds out, I'm going to have to pay a lot and then take care of my own kids.” Those are letters I get from actual narcissists. So I would say, I would ask you, how do you know you're a narcissist? I would say if you're self-diagnosing you are way off the mark, and I would also ask, do you think you're selfish just because you don't know your friends history as well as you do your own? I don't know anyone that knows their friends history as well as they do their own. And it sounds to me sure some people have better memories than others, right? Like Jason, you might be like, “Yeah, remember we worked together when you and Jen started dating and you could have invited me to SpaceX.” I'm like, “Oh I don't remember.” But like that doesn't mean that one of us is a narcissist. It just means that somebody remembers certain events better than others.
[00:45:09] In fact, even if you remember events generally less well than others or people remember things about you, it doesn't really mean that you're a self-centered jerk. It really doesn't. It just kind of means that you don't remember those things and other people do for a variety of reasons. It could be.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:25] Yeah, you can have something going on because I remember back then when you started dating Jen, you were having issues with the old company and the old business.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:32] Surprise.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:33 Yeah, yeah. Big surprise there. And you had some ish going on, so you don't remember it big whoop. It's okay.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:41] Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's funny because I barely remember the timeline of that old drama with the company as well. I just did, maybe I'm a forward looking guy. I don't know. Maybe they don't have a choice.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:52] There's one big line that just says drama. That's the easy way to remember that.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:56] Exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's sort of shaded in with pencils says drama on the calendar. It sounds to me like you're being really hard on yourself for something that's actually totally normal, and unless you've been diagnosed by a qualified psychologist as such, I would not assume you're a narcissist. In fact, the very idea that you're asking us how to become a better, more caring friend is pretty much one giant signal that you're not even remotely selfish, let alone an actual narcissist. So don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you're really good at making other people feel appreciated. I would keep it up. Don't worry if you forget things sometimes, it does not sound abnormal at all. If narcissists, whereas considerate as you, we would never have even heard of it. Nobody would have heard of the term.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:41] Seriously.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:42] It would be completely uneventful in everyone's life. Oh yeah, my narcissist friend, he forgot at my birthday when I was 13, we had a pin the tail on the donkey with my stepdad. What a prick! Can you believe you forgot that? You had Domino's pizza with mushroom and pepperoni. How do you not remember? It was my birthday, 13 years ago or 40 years ago. Come on like nobody would think that that's weird, okay? So I love letters like that where I get to say, you're fine. That’s so rare. That’s so rare.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:10] Seriously. And he even says, I know I do a great job in the moment caring about people and making sure they feel considered and appreciated. Say a narcissist never.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:22] Yeah. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:25] Come on. You're doing okay Empathy Switch. We have faith in you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:30] All right. What else we got?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:32] Hi Jordan and Jason. I've recently started a long term care administration career about two months ago and I'm enrolled in the class to become officially licensed. The problem is my age. I'm a 24 year old man and being the administrator of the entire building is tough when you're the final decision maker for people two or three times your age, it seems like my direct reports or even the residents don't take me seriously. I completely understand why they would feel this way and to put it in perspective, the second youngest person getting this license in the class is 38 years old, but in order to run this building well, I need to change this. How do I start? Do I flash my master's education in a subtle way? Do I just become nothing but serious for any business matters? Seriously at a loss here. Thank you so much, Baby Faced Boss.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:18] Okay, so at the core Baby Faced Boss is asking how to build authority and trust, and not the kind of bullying authority that we might've been taught or not the sort of rigid authority maybe we talked about with Chase Hughes. There's a little bit in the Chase Hughes’ episodes, I recommend checking that out. But first things first do not, definitely do not flash the master's degree around. That just seems massively insecure in your risks coming off. You risk coming off as somebody who thinks he's smarter than everyone else around him and is half their age, because I have this piece of paper.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:51] I just think of Cartman walking around gunnery, “Respect my Authority.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:55] Yeah, pretty much that or something from like the office or office space. It’s so desperate to do that. I think doing this will have the opposite effect that you intended. The way to build trust and authority is largely the same regardless of age. I actually asked my friend, Chris Johnson, who is a super sharp entrepreneur. He's managed remote teams, he's managed non remote teams. He's just one of those guys that struck me as the type of guy who would know how to do this and he without hesitation, nailed this question. So thanks to Chris Johnson for this.
[00:49:27] First, by speaking authoritatively and not having a questioning and fluction at the end of what you say is important. So I used to teach, I still teach vocal tonality. And what he means by this is instead of saying, “So today we're going to go and have a meeting, and then we're going to go into the common area, and then we're going to do an inventory of the cafeteria.” Those sound like questions. It's the less authoritative, it doesn't come across as well. So when you speak authoritatively, even when you're asking questions, use a downward or statement tone. So you'd say, “Today, we're going to have a meeting, and then we're going to go to the common area, and then we're going to take inventory in the cafeteria. Does that sound good to everyone?” See? Notice even the, “Does that sound good to everyone?” Wasn't really phrased as a question because it's not, it doesn't really matter. This is what you're doing. You're the boss. So make sure that you're speaking authoritatively. If you need help, I recommend vocal coaching. I can refer you if you're interested. So email me, email@example.com. For anybody who wants vocal. It is not cheap. I think it's a 100 bucks or 200 bucks an hour. But it is worth it if this is your career.
[00:50:33] Two, a lot of the kids these days, and sometimes women often presume disrespect where none exists and often there is disrespect, but I think especially younger people, we do this because we're self-conscious about it. So at everything, anytime anybody says, “Yeah boss, I'm on it.” It's like “Did he say boss sarcastically?” “Was that search get sarcastic? Does he snickering after that? I feel like he might've been.” “I wonder if what those older people are talking about in the corner, I bet they're laughing about me. They're looking in my direction.” We do that kind of thing when we're self-conscious and it sucks if it's at work and it's hard if you're the boss because you don't know what to do.
[00:51:08] Three, and this is probably the most important, be ahead of all issues and deliver information in a careful way. So, in other words, you've got to be very much on top of this and you've got to be ahead of the game. You've got to be a very capable boss, and what Chris elaborated on was this. So you would say, let's say you work at a nursing home or an adult care, elder care center, like you said. You'd say, “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson, I wanted to let you know that we have your mom all set up in a room. Our next steps will be to establish a routine. So far she's been waking earlier than she did at home, so so she's taking a late morning nap most days. If that's okay with you, she'd probably love to see visitors before 10 or after noon on most days is, that's when she's had energy in the recent past. If her schedule changes, who should I inform that?” That's like dang this kids on it. Okay, and if you're like that with your employees, your team members, your clients, whoever you have FaceTime with, after a while, they're going to be like, there's a reason this young guy's in charge of everything.
[00:52:15] And here's the good news. If you're that young and you're in charge of everything, you're probably already like this or damn close, because why in the heck would they have promoted somebody half everyone else's age to your position if you were not a superstar in that particular area? So the good news is you're probably not going to have to fake it till you make it. You probably already made it. Now you just have to let that sort of internalize and sink in. I would also remember, don't take this stuff personally. A lot of people are going to be upset with something. Why is this kid in charge? What they're saying is, why didn't I work harder in my career? Why didn't I get promoted based on my actions? It doesn't really have anything to do with you. It's other people's insecurity. Also, a Chris noted with a little sendoff. He said, last but not least, “Inform, don't negotiate.” This goes sort of to number one by speaking authoritatively. You will say, this is what happened and this is what we're going to do. And if somebody older than you says, “Well actually, we should maybe do this.” You can say, “Yeah, let's talk about other options in my office.” Or you can say, “We can talk about other options if it's appropriate.” But once you've made your decision inform and don't negotiate, but you don't have to be a jerk about any of this, you can just be normal jovial. It's just when got to make a decision or be authoritative, that's when you do it. And when you combine that authority with competence that that's on display for everyone to see, not braggadocio, none of that competence that everyone can see. You're going to rock it.
[00:53:40] Hey, Tank's Good News of the Week. Jason, I don't know if you've heard this, Sherlock Star Benedict Cumberbatch Saves Cyclist from Muggers. Did you hear about this?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:53:48] Yeah, yeah, we actually covered this on Grumpy Old Geeks. What had happened, and it's a great story.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:53:52] Yeah. So apparently Benedict Cumberbatch, the guy who played Sherlock Holmes, he was like this up upright very English guy. I mean he's Sherlock and he's very like almost sort of Asperger's in the very stoic, and like in the series. Well anyway, he was near Baker Street where the fictional character, Sherlock Holmes lives and his wife were riding in an Uber, and he spotted and attempted mugging on the Marylebone High Street, which sounds very fancy and so four muggers are attacking this Deliveroo cyclist. What in English name that is.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:54:29] Deliveroo.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:54:29] Deliveroo, and attempting to steal his bicycle and according to the witnesses, Cumberbatch screamed at the attackers and then drag them off the victim and the Uber driver is like, I was taking Benedict and his wife to a club. I didn't know who it was at first. And we drive down and Marylebone High Street, we see four guys pushing around a Deliveroo cyclist. My passenger jumps out, ran over, pulls the men off, they turn towards him and things look like they're going to get worse, so I joined him, and he stood there instructing them in the street shouting, “Leave him alone!” Then Sherlock, so he goes, that it got a bit surreal. Here was Sherlock Holmes fighting off four attackers round the corner from Baker Street where the fictional character lives, and he goes, this guy, the Uber driver continues. He says, I assume he said it like this. “I had hold of one lad and Benedict another,” and he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. He was very brave. He did most of it, to be honest. They tried to hit him, but he defended himself and pushed them away. He wasn't injured, then I think they recognized who it was and ran away. So basically he just Batman in the middle of London, like straight up, not breaking character at all. He just Sherlock Holmes, four dudes at one time and saves a delivery guy. This guy is, I mean nailed the role.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:48] He is Sherlock Holmes.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:55:49] He is Sherlock Holmes, yeah.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:51] Yeah, if you read the books, you know Sherlock is a brawler.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:55:54] It's crazy.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:54] He totally got into character like I'm taking down these guys. Respect my Deliveroo guy.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:56:01] I can't, I just, I love it. I love it. He's like, “Yo, all right, chap?” And he takes out his handkerchief and brushes off the Deliveroo guy like front of his suit or whatever.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:12] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:56:12] Yeah.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:14] Carry on.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:56:14] You headed east.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:14] Carry on. Carry on. Carry on, and Deliveroo.
Jordan Harbinger: 00:56:17] You’re headed East. You must have Indian Curry for the Joneses. Am I right? Oh my God. How does he do it? All right. Recommendation of the week. Jason, what you got?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:26] Jack Ryan on Amazon Prime. I watched the entire series last week, and man! It was good. I mean I'm a fan of Jack Ryan from back in the day because the first Tom Clancy, Jack Ryan novel to turn into a movie was The Hunt for Red October, which I think is a perfect movie and I love it to death. I've seen it probably 50 times. So I was reticent when I heard that they were doing a series on Amazon Prime and it stars the guy from The Office, like the nerdy guy from The Office. He's Jack Ryan, and in this he's Jack Ryan. He's buff. He's like quote unquote analyst, but also an ex-Marine and it's a really fun show. I really highly recommend it if you like that kind of fare, spies and terrorists and taking them down. It's really fun.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:12] Nice. Yep, Jim from The Office, right? The man who does?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:57:15] Yep, yep that’s him.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:16] He’s the cool guy in The Office.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:57:18] Yeah, he was also in that Benghazi movie where he played a beast. He’s like a SEAL in that, yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:23] He's basically was like, “Look, I want to be an action hero, so I'm over this comedy thing and now he's Jack Ryan.”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:57:30] Yeah, and he played the part perfect. I mean, he definitely did a great job.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:34] Good for him. All right, well, I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Really fun Feedback Friday. Don't forget, you can email us firstname.lastname@example.org to get your questions answered on the air. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Shout out to Steve Goddard. He listened to Feedback Friday episode 107 during his morning walk, and he said it was directed exactly at him and made his day and he actually left us a nice note, which I will read myself, but I don't want to take up too much of your bandwidth. I don't know what we call that, share of here today.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:58:11] I think time. I think time is it good enough word.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:58:14] Time. Okay, that works.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:58:15] We'll go with time.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:58:16] Yeah, that works. That works for me. Check out the guests from this past week. We've got a lot of great stuff coming up as well and if you want to know how we managed to book all of these great guests, manage all these relationships and connections using systems and tiny habits, I'm giving you that knowledge for free at jordanharbinger.com/course. Six-Minute Networking is a life changing thing. This is a set of skills I wish I knew 10 years ago. It is so good. It's minutes per day. It's free. I don't want to hear your excuse about why you're not doing it. Just go and do it. You'll thank me because you'll end up with a ton of opportunity. jordanharbinger.com/course.
[00:58:50] I'm on Instagram and Twitter @jordanharbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Jason, where can they find you?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:58:56] My personal website is at jpd.me, and you can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show, or wherever you get your fine podcast.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:59:05] The show was co-produced with Jen Harbinger and show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to email@example.com. Remember to try to keep them concise if you can. It really does increase the chance that your question will get answered on the air. Share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. Excited to get it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:59:32] Hey, if you're excited for Halloween, you're going to love all the thrilling shows PodcastOne has to offer. Get ready for chills with some of the best crime and mystery shows around like Beyond the Darkness, Serial Killer Podcast, Cold Case Files, Murder Made Me Damous, The First Degree, and so much more. Check out all these thrilling shows today on PodcastOne or wherever you get your favorite pods.
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