227: How to Communicate with Stinkers and Deadbeats | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Communicate with Stinkers and Deadbeats | Feedback Friday (Episode 227)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:02] Welcome to Feedback Friday, I'm your host Jordan Harbinger and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on The Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests and this week we had Kim Scott and her concept of radical candor, how to tell people, especially at work, what you really think in a way that's constructive and doesn't harm your relationships with those around you. We also had Justin Paperny, a white-collar criminal defense consultant who --this is so crazy-- he prepares white-collar defendants for trial and prison and so we talked about some of his clients involved in the college admissions scandal as well as his own story about being locked up and coming out the other side a better man.

[00:00:42] I also write every so often on the blog, the latest post is Five Signs Your Life is Off Track and What to Do About It. We wrote this because I've so often felt like I'm not headed towards my own goals or that I don't even know what my goals are and I'm twisting in the freaking wind and I still feel that way sometimes. So, I started to look for signs that I'm always bored or that I keep talking myself out of commitments or I'm asking myself what the point is of everything. I know other people feel this way as well. I wanted to open these topics up for discussion and dissection and that article is at Jordan harbinger.com/articles along with all of our other pieces. Make sure you've had a look and a listen to all of this stuff we created for you this week.

[00:01:22] Of course, our primary mission, we always want to pass along our experiences and insights to you and we love doing that here on Feedback Friday. We're having conversations directly with you more or less so you can reach us. Of course, if you want to participate in this at friday@jordanharbinger.com. We might answer your question on the air. Try to keep it a little concise. We always keep you anonymous. Don't worry about that and we're going to have this baby any minute now Jason. This could be like in the middle of recording this and hear the wrong kind of scream and then we're off to the races.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:54] Boil some water, get some towels, even though we don't know what to do with those. I think they're just to keep the dad busy, but that's what we do.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:01] You know what though? It's funny I asked about that because the doula and the midwife, you know we hired all these people to help us so that we don't screw this thing up. Towels for reasons that most people can probably imagine but hot water. Hot water, I think that must come from for people that used to give birth or still do give birth at home, you feel this big tub with water or your bathtub for lack of a better option and you don't want to get into a piping hot bath full of water and you don't want to wait for it to cool down either. So, you fill it up with lukewarm water and then you take the hot water and you add that slowly to the tub to keep the temperature constant.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:41] Well, how about that birth hack.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:44] Birth hacking, welcome to the birth hacking podcast. That's what we do now. It's right. That's what we do now. What's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:51] My team! I've been working with someone for eight years now who's extremely negative, pessimistic, perish, and despite not being very good at her job is the first despitefully point out the flaws of everyone else around us. Aside from this work drama, we've built a fairly harmonious relationship over the years. I'm more positive by nature with an instinct to give people the benefit of the doubt. So, we've developed a bit of a ying-yang working relationship. We deal with the same strains so we feel comfortable venting to one another and during downtime we get along and have shared many personal issues and good laughs over the years. So, here's the rub. We've recently moved from private cubicles to an open floor plan office and she works directly beside me. The negativity is non-stop. I didn't realize how bad it was until now because she's comfortable with me. She vents about every little thing constantly. It's like working beside a dark cloud and it's dragging me down. I'm building resentment and I avoid and block out any communication by keeping headphones on all day. Maybe worse, however, is that she's a smoker. Both her and her stuff smell like stale tobacco. I can smell it as soon as she walks in the office in the morning. I even have a fan under my desk pointing her direction, but it's not helping enough. It drives me crazy and I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she smells. How can I talk to her about the literal and metaphorical stink? Jordan, congrats and good luck with the baby. We can feel the excitement. Sincerely and with thanks, Looking for a Breath of Fresh Air.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:20] So, this one I can see where this as annoying whenever you have to work double-time just to tolerate someone. It's exhausting and it's unfair to you. So, kudos for having done this successfully so far. But, of course, now you're really stuck. You’re this person's outlet for all things negative and you shouldn't have to expend extra energy at your workplace defending your psychological health the entire time. You're just trying to get your work done. You need to sort of protect yourself here. The whole stinky smoke situation, that to me is just another nail in the coffin of this relationship. She doesn't care about her physical health. She doesn't care about her emotional health. She doesn't care about your physical or emotional health, obviously. How many signs do you need that this is a person that you should stay away from? I get it. You don't want to isolate someone. You don't want to drop someone as a work friend. You don't want to create an enemy, so try this. Come clean. Tell her you're really bothered by the smell, and then just move away from her. Sure. You could say, “You're negative, you're driving me crazy, and you stink,” but that's just going to cause conflict. If you start with the smell and you say, “Look, I figured out, you know, maybe I'm a little mildly allergic to this, but it's bugging me. I'm just going to move away because I can tell that you smoke.” Then you don't have to worry as much about the other negative drama that she brings because you're going to be a little bit insulated from that, having not been sitting next to her the whole time. Of course, if it were me, I think I personally would nit both of these in the bud over time, but I would start with the smell and go from there.

[00:05:53] The key is you have to remember this, you are not responsible for this person. You feel like you are. You're probably a really nice person. You feel you owe her something, but you really don't. You owe it to yourself to keep your physical and mental space clean and healthy. So, protect your mind here. Protect your mind. Getaway from this person. And if you want to help them get better, tell them why you're getting away from them, not just the smell, but over time. Tell them why. “Look, the smell was bad and I don't like that. I don't like the smoky smell. I try to stay healthy. But here's the thing, your negativity drives me crazy. I want you to do better with that. I do like you as a person, but I can't be the punching bag for your venting all the time because it exhausts me and it's exhausting you. Just don't expect them to appreciate that right away if you tell them. I say don't dump the load of bricks on them all at once because you might create an enemy, but if you get away from the smell, you're not going to have to deal as much with the rest of it. And then if the rest of it still continues, you can say, “Hey look, you know, I've always appreciated you. You're great here at work. I like being friends with you, but this negativity, like is everything okay?” If you frame it as concern and not, “Hey, stop dumping your negative BS on me all the time.” If you frame it as concerned, it will go over a little easier. So if it's like, “Hey, is everything okay in your life?” I get emails like this all the time, like, “Yeah, you're being a POS, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.” I could respond. I can just block them. I could respond negatively. I usually just reply, “Hey, is everything okay with you?” And sometimes I get cursing back or nothing back. But I'd say at least half the time I get something back like, “Oh man, there's a laundry list of stuff that's wrong in my life. How did you know? Is it that obvious?”

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:35] You’re a psychic, Jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:36] Yes it is. I know, right? Well, people go, “Oh man, if it's that clear that my life is not where I want it to be, I need to change my ways.” Like if you can pick this up from a freaking email, I'm not hiding it and they appreciate that generally just maybe not right away. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:56] Hey, Jordan and Jason. I'm 26 and I've had a housemate for a few years. I went through college and have a steady job and bought a duplex. I invited my housemate to move into my new place and we could keep the effective rent the same or a little lower. He was going to college at the time and agreed to the lower rent. However, it's been a year and he recently stopped going to school. Also, his parents are paying for his share of the rent and living expenses ever since. He lost his job soon after we moved. So, this week he asked me if his girlfriend from another state can move in here also. They met through an online game, so I don't have much background on her. The dude went through some rough times, so I was glad to help him out up to this point and he's trying with little avail to straighten out his life. My intuition is telling me that this is a bad idea. However, I'm working on being more generous with my resources and I really feel like I've been very fortunate in life so far, so it's turning into a tough call. Am I falling back into my stingy conservative ways or do you think there are some red flags here and I should tell them to find a new place if they want to live together? Thanks and keep up the great work. Signed, Roommate Rumble.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:58] Well, the first thing that hits me is you're really nice to have done this for your friend in the past for being there for him when he's had a hard time. There's nothing like hitting a hard time and then having a friend say, “Hey look, you can stay with me,” because then you don't feel like a total POS. You've got someone looking out for you and that was really nice of you. Look, he doesn't want to seem stingy or feel bad, but your gut is telling you something for a reason about this new change, especially with the move in. You've already got the first few red flags. He dropped out of school, he lost his job. Look, that happens, but now it seems like he might be coasting a little bit here. You can and should raise the rent to market value because if he had just lost his job last month, I get it. But right now his parents are paying for it. So, right now you're losing money. Sure you're helping a friend, but you're giving that money. You're essentially giving that money to your friend who was directionless. He's unemployed, he's not moving forward with his life at all right now. You might as well actually be handing him the cash each month out of your own pocket. And now you're basically handing his parents the cash out of your own pocket. Now to add the icing on this poop sandwich, he wants to bring a stranger into the house. Someone who might not even have any on-paper legal duty to pay rent. But we'll certainly have a right to live there after a certain amount of time, depending on what state you're in. So here's, here's where things get scary for you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:29] Here's the sticky wicket.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:31] Right, yes. Google squatter's rights in your state and prepare to be horrified as a landlord. Basically, depending on where you are, some schmuck can just stop paying rent and then refuse to leave and then you will have to take them to court at your own expense to get rid of them. It can be really, really bad. Your buddy doesn't know this woman that well. They've never spent a significant amount of time together in real life. Now, they want to move in together. This has disaster written all over it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:02] In big red, 20-foot high letters.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:04] Oh my God, definitely. Because look, it might not even be her. Maybe he decides, “Oh well I need to have money to do things with my girlfriend, so neither of us is going to pay,” or, “You're being mean to my girlfriend by saying she can't live here anymore, so now we're going to be jerks to you and not pay.” I mean there are so many ways that this can go wrong so many ways or what if they're just both dirty. You're not even trying to get them out of there. They're just both dirty. Now they outnumber you and he might feel like, “Oh well I don't have to be as respectful because my parents are paying and I've got my girlfriend here for emotional support, so weeh-weeh-weeh my landlord who used to be my friend and now he's being a big jerk. Your buddy doesn't know her. You don't know what's going to happen. I would have a sit-down conversation. I would write down an agreement and I mean like a signed agreement, not just some stuff. Some notes you jotted on your phone. Have a signed agreement about this because once she moved in it's going to be difficult to remove her. If their relationship ends up going south. They might break up and she could say, “I'm not leaving, and then you are SOL and since you're sharing a space it would be reasonable for you to ask to meet her first or at the very least talk to her before agreeing to anything. I wouldn't agree to this at all. Period.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:16] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:16] Yeah, there's—Oh man, no way. To be honest, this is probably a good time for him to get another place, one that's actually within his budget or she can get her own place and he can stay there a lot of the time. This is up to you, but this guy seems more and more like a liability from where I'm standing. I would take the opportunity to put my foot down here for sure.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:36] Definitely and make sure that that agreement is legally binding. I mean, there's just so many things you need to talk to a real estate attorney because since this is a duplex, you are technically a landlord. So, you need to be aware of all of your rights and all of your liabilities when it comes to these things because they can stay there for in some places up to three years before the sheriff will come and throw them out. It depends on the state and there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing legally. So, you need to make sure that your I's are dotted and your T's are crossed and your ducks are all in a row. I can't think of any more metaphors for that. But you really have to make sure that you are legally in the right and just don't let her in before that happens. Because as soon as she comes in, then all bets are off.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:26] Man, you can end up paying for someone to live there. You're paying utilities because you cannot provide, let's say electricity and water for them.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:34] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:35]  You have to provide a habitable landing space until the courts basically sort out the fact that they don't get to live there legally and then the sheriff throws him out and then what you're going to try to collect from some schmoe who never intended on paying you. You're never going to get the money. You just provide free rent. There are people that just do this. They're few and far between. I don't think your friend is one of them. His girlfriend is probably also not one of them, but there are also a lot of just quote-unquote unfortunate situations where there's a disagreement and the landlord always loses unless you live in like I think Texas or something. If you're in a state that has any sort of lefty stuff going on.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:09] You shoot him.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:10] You can end up providing for somebody for a long time. Yeah. Texas. They're probably like first you have to shoot them a message and then you get to shoot him with a 22—No, I don't know what they do down there. But I'll tell you if you're in New York, it's a landlord favored because they had so many deadbeat a-holes. They're obviously in this, in a city like that. I don't even have to look up the laws for California. I already know that somebody can probably move into my living room after breaking in and I probably have to keep them there for 18 months before I can do anything.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:41] That’s true, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:42] I mean, I don't even know what the laws are in California, but I can almost guarantee you that if you're a landlord and with a law decides you're a landlord because you don't even have to be charging. The law can just say, well, you're technically a landlord because you allowed them to stay there for more than two days and it wasn't on Airbnb. There are all kinds of ways you can get screwed and I am just waiting for a letter from you in six months about how she won't leave and how they're trying to evict you from your property.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:08] Yeah, exactly. “Well, you know, it is a duplex and there's two of us. There's one of you. We each like our own side, so can you leave now. Oh, but keep paying rent.” Although you know what? They did meet in an online game, so maybe he can just cut off Internet access and they'll get the withdrawals and leave.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:24] There you go. “Hey, sorry. The Wi-Fi doesn't work. Adios.” Yeah, it's, it's amazing what can happen. It really is shocking. You look at these cases, I remember studying some of these in law school and you just go, “How is this possible?” And it's designed to stop landlords from abusing tenants, but it just can go so far in the other direction because what, they don't want our homeless people as a result of some sort of like a petty disagreement or some sort of like, “Oh well it's questionable about who owes who what. The best thing you can do is get it all in writing and even then it's usually better to just not humor crap like this. Period.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:02] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:05] This episode is sponsored in part by Audible]

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:08] Audible. Listen up Amazon prime members. For a limited time, you can start an audible membership and save 66 percent on your first three months. A total of $30 off. That's like getting three months for the price of one. You'll pay just 4.95 per month for the first three months after that, it's only 14.95 per month. Offer is valid from July 1st through July 31st, 2019

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:28] Audible is amazing. I go through audiobooks like crazy. I'm using that app upwards of 20 maybe 30 hours a week and Audible members get a credit every month. Good for an audiobook in the store, unused credits rollover, of course, and if you don't like an audiobook, you can exchange it for free. They make that really easy. Plus your audiobooks are yours to keep forever. Even when you cancel, you're not renting them and there are no commitments. You can cancel whenever you want. Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks on the planet which lets you fill your summer with stories like Howie Mandel. I just went through that one. On top of audiobooks and Audible originals. Members get access to audio-guided fitness and meditation programs. Audible's a great sidekick for summer activities like hiking, sunbathing on the beach poolside, running road, tripping and joined some downtime outdoors and more. You can listen to anytime anywhere, which I do all the time and you can never lose your spot when you switch devices, which is very, very convenient. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:22] Visit audible.com/harbinger or text harbinger to 500500 to get started today.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:28] This episode is also sponsored by Blue Diamond Almonds.

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[00:18:02] Thanks for listening and supporting the show to learn more and get links to all the great discounts from our amazing sponsors and to help keep this show going, visit Jordan harbinger.com/deals and if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that and head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:28] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:30] Good morning, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. Hello from Australia. I've always been naturally good without being exceptional at basically anything I try, whether it be work, sports, relationships, it all tends to come easily with very little effort. Although this sounds great, it's inadvertently led me to having very little motivation or need to push myself any further. Now at age 34, I'm finding myself periodically wondering where I could actually get to or what I could be if I had put in more effort throughout my life. I'm in no way unhappy, but my whole life I've had people saying things like, you can do so much better if you tried harder. I'm not driven by money or possessions, but this may be because it's always come easily. I'm married and have two children, a job in a very specific industry, paying 100,000 a year for a 40-hour work-week. I've just bought a game fishing boat and use it regularly. The list goes on. Even whilst writing this, I feel a bit ashamed of how lucky I am as most people have to put in so much more to get way less. My questions are, A, how do I go about finding drive and application and being the best I can or should be? B, should I just be extremely grateful for what I have and enjoy my life? Look forward to hearing your advice. Sincerely, Glass Half Something.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:46] So, this is the opposite problem most people seem to have. Sure, you should feel grateful. I just want to highlight this. You should feel grateful, but even if you do, what I'm hearing isn't a lack of gratitude for your current situation, but a loss of purpose. You know, I'm not really seeing, I think the old me would have seen somebody whining about their life being great and I'd be like, “Cry me a river.” But that's, that's not really what I'm seeing here. I'm seeing a loss or lack of purpose. So you might be very satisfied with your life. And if that's the case, be grateful. Ignore what everybody else says. If you're satisfied and you don't have second thoughts, and these are all the results of you hearing a bunch of BS from your friends and family, but how you should do more than forget it. You know, that's a recipe for disaster there. You don't have to look too far Jason to find somebody who tells you, you could be doing more with your life.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:34] Instagram, influencers every day.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:56] Exactly. And I think though here what they're saying bothers you because perhaps in your mind that there is a kernel of truth to it. And that's not always the case but I think it must bother you enough here that you're at least questioning whether or not there's a hint of truth. Most people who don't try that hard at life do so because they're actually afraid of failure, not because the winds come so easily to them. And I'm wondering if that's the case here, maybe you're a little bit afraid of failure, not because everything else was easy. It might just be that you're not putting your mind to things or going the extra mile because you don't feel that ambitious. But it might also be because you're not sure if you could handle what would happen if you tried and then didn't get it done if you tried and failed. I know this all too well. There was a whole lot of my life where it's called dating where I didn't try because I didn't want to fail and then to have to deal with the consequences of that and I can't tell you whether you should go for it or not. I think a lot of people don't try and get promoted and they don't try to start businesses and they don't try to move to another country and they don't try to go for the significant other that they wanted, the relationship that they want. They don't want to accomplish some other set of goals. They don't want to try to run a half marathon. They give up on training and make excuses because what if you fail? What I can tell you is that most people who feel somewhat satisfied but lack a sense of real purpose and drive are often not lazy. Often they're not resting on their laurels, but they're actually afraid to see what they're made of because they might not like what they find at the end of that rainbow.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:12] That's interesting.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:14] Yeah. I mean, I truly think that's the case for a lot of people and there's this whole sort of influencer BS going where it's like, “What could you achieve if you really had no limits?” And that's unhealthy to a certain degree because of course, everybody wanted to be David Bowie or whatever. Everybody wanted to be a rock star slash famous athlete and that's not in the cards for everybody because there's a huge amount of luck. There's a huge amount of talent, there's a huge amount of opportunity and access that's just not realistic for the majority. That's why these people who have made it are so quote-unquote special. But there are other things like getting a job that pays a little bit more or starting a business or a side hustle or getting in shape or losing weight. There's a lot of people who don't try to see what they're made of when it comes to these pursuits because they don't know if they can make it at the end or they think, what if I achieve that and it still doesn't make me happy. And there are a lot of studies that show that that is what happens when you see Olympic athletes winning the gold and getting super depressed. People selling their business, you know, their Minecraft or whatever for two billion dollars and getting super depressed because wherever you go there you are. So, you might achieve this crazy goal and still end up not being happy. And a lot of people don't want to figure that out.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:26] Right, and we're also not born with a rule book for life that says, “Okay, you're born, you have to accomplish A, B, C, D, and E before you die because, otherwise, you won't be happy. And then you have to go out and do that thing, sometimes people can just be happy by being and being, and it sounds like he's in a decent place, but he might be being influenced by these people that say you have to do certain things and so your playing by somebody else's rule book where it seems he's like, “I've got a wife, I've got kids, I've got a great job, everything goes well and I have this outside pressure to do other things.” Some people take that other pressure and then it just makes them anxious, makes them depressed when if they just stop listening to other people, they might be happy as clams doing what they're going to do. I think, you know, maybe he needs to sit down and write his own rule book and find out what's going to make him happy as well.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:19] That's a good point. Yeah. I think there's a lot of folks that really do get in the weeds about this. You need to ask yourself. Are you really satisfied and explore that. If you really are happy where you are and you just feel like, “Oh, I'm getting FOMO, but it's only when my cousins are around,” or, “I'm getting FOMO and it's only because when I talked to my mom, she says, ‘You should see what your neighbor boy, your old friend. Oh, he's doing so well at Goldman or whatever.’” If that's when you feel unsatisfied, that's a clue. But if you're feeling satisfied when you're at home with your family and you're watching Netflix or you're fishing, then that's a pretty good clue. But if you feel that itch, even when you're not talking with somebody else, then maybe there is more in store for you. So, you got to look at the cause. Do you feel this way when you're looking at social media? If so, screw it. If you feel that way when you're sitting at home on your porch and enjoying an ice tea, looking at the sunset, then maybe there's something else going on. But if you're satisfied at every other time, then get rid of the triggers. You can't get rid of your family, but you can say, “Hey, look, mom, I'm really happy for cousin Ned, but I don't want to do that and I'm really enjoying my life. Thanks.” And then nip that in the bud. Put a pin in it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:28] Yeah. And say, “Oh yeah, but I'm doing better than cousin Joe who's a meth addict down on the Gold Coast. So, I'm doing better than that. I might not be doing better than the other cousin, but I'm somewhere in the middle and I'm happy, so leave me the hell alone.”

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:41] Yeah, I know. I mean to hear that this guy has income that makes him happy and all these activities and free time. Don't let other people complain about your quality of life. They don't have to live your life. They don't have to worry about that. There are so many parents and friends that are well-meaning out there that would gladly trade all of your happiness to be able to say that you're a doctor. There are so many parents and siblings out there that would gladly let you work a hundred hours a week and be miserable if they could say that you have a summer home in Nantucket. So, don't let that happen to you. If you're satisfied, enjoy that. If you're not, do you lack a sense of purpose? How can you find that? Are you afraid of what you might find? On the other hand, like I said, I think if other people are stoking that FOMO around you, the more you can ignore those people and listen to your own voice the better. All right. What's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:38] Hello, Triple J team. How do you manage your family's expectations when it comes to free time? My business partner and fiancée are both full-time yoga teachers and I am a full-time life coach and she runs a non-for-profit. Teaching yoga full time turning an annual yoga retreat and a teacher training along with blogging, life coaching, and a non-for-profit is a six-day a week endeavor. In our free time, we try and spend our time connecting to each other and making sure our romantic and health needs are met. My struggle is explaining to our family, both hers and mine, that we don't have a lot of time whenever we explain our situation as to why we can't come over for the entire weekend or don't have time to come over for the whole day. Her family and mine get upset. It's like they think all we do is hang out all day. They don't know what it's like to write blogs, develop marketing content, host a podcast, teach yoga, and work with clients plus fundraising and not for profit work. Any suggestions would help? How do you manage mentally the slow growth periods of the year? Right now at summer, I'm not getting new clients and more downloads. I know people are busy. Summer vacation poolside parties. What do you do when you know the work slows down with gratitude? Signed, Searching for Wisdom.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:47] I've seen questions like this quite often and my rule that I've said few times here on Feedback Friday, but for myself personally as well as people demanding your time, they are not entitled to your time. It doesn't matter who they are. I know that a lot of people say, “Well that's fine if it's your friend, but what if it's your mom.” People demanding your time or not entitled automatically to your time. Have a compassionate talk with them about how busy you are in. Reassure them that they're a priority. Explain to them what you do day in and day out and if they still don't understand, let them be angry all they want that at that point it's about them. It's not about you. Your other choice is to let the temperament of adults who act like children dictate your life dictate your happiness. I think when we frame things this way, the answers really clear. We can't always make other people happy even our own family, we have to be fair. We have to be kind to them, but we are not responsible for making them happy. It's the same thing, like the question earlier about this guy who's getting a lot of guff from his family about not doing much and you could've done so much more. It's not your responsibility to meet their expectations when it comes to this sort of stuff. It is a hard lesson, but it's a necessary lesson and I get it. I get it. Your parents, they miss their kids. But that doesn't mean you have to change your life around to please them. Yes, if you have grandkids or it's a holiday or something like that or it's been awhile, you should make an effort to go see them. Sure. If you have a happy family life and you want to keep that going and then do that.

[00:29:20] But as for me, for the slow periods of the year, there aren't really any. I'm always busting my butt. We're growing. We were about to go into a nice coast mode, but then we had to start over again. But that actually gave us a lot of opportunities to rebuild as you all know, so here we are. But I tend to work on longer term projects when travel for example, gets a little slower. So, right now I'm not traveling for another couple months because of course, we're having the baby, but now I'm working on longer term projects. I'm outlining some products about how to do interviews. I'm creating keynote speeches. I'm working on a redo of the website. So, if there's a slow spell, that's a really good time to explore, show guest ideas, develop products, do some writing for you, anything like that. Any business requires long-term planning. And usually, if you're anything like me, long-term planning often takes a backseat to, “Oh my God, there's fires we got to put out.” But Noah Kagan, CEO of AppSumo, founder of AppSumo, he told me, “Look, every January or December, plan out your whole year. You don't have to plan everything that you're going to do every day, but pick the big projects that you're going to do that year. And then when something else falls in your lap, like, “Oh, you should do this whole big thing.” You can just say, “Nope, but I might look at it next year.” And that was massively liberating for me. So I put in the four events that I wanted to attend one a quarter and I said I might attend two more things and squeeze them in, but that's TBD and they have to be really worthwhile. They have to be as good or better potentially than the ones that I put in here.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:54] And then it was like, all right, I want to make this one product and probably going to have time to do that. Which one do I want to focus on? Okay. And we want to redo the website and we want to do dah, dah, dah, dah, dah for social media. That stuff we planned out in every other sort of shiny object that floated by. I went, “Cool, I'll put it on the maybe list for next year.” And what's funny is that stuff, as soon as it floats by and you don't feel bad about it anymore, you look at it a few months later and you're like, “Wow, I'm that stupid. I don't want to do that. Or I don't feel like dealing with that anymore,” and it's gone and you don't feel like you've wasted any time looking at it because you didn't. All you did was immediate evaluation was, “I can't do this right now. So, I'm going to say no,” and that's great. Any business requires this type of long-term planning, especially businesses in which you need to create content. You need to work on your long-term strategy. So plan out your year in advance. You'll never have a real slow down because when immediate work slows down even a little, you start to fill the space by making progress on those longer term projects or go visit your parents and kill two birds with one stone here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:57] We'll be right back with more feedback. Friday right after this.

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[00:35:21] Thank you for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air and to learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard so you can check out those amazing sponsors, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now, back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:39] Okay, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:40] Hey, triple J. I have OCD. Literally, one of my triggers is being touched. I hate to be touched, especially by strangers. I don't like hugs or shaking hands with people. Normally, I just suffer through it to be polite but lately, I've been voicing my discomfort nicely because I can't handle it anymore. At my old job, people completely understood and didn't judge me or make me feel bad. I got a new job and it seems everyone here is a quote-unquote hugger. I understand they're pure intentions and don't want to seem unappreciative of their kindness. I'm struggling to find a way to let them know about how I feel without hurting any feelings. Some people just don't understand. Am I the rude one? I don't know if I should say something or let it slide for fear of hurting coworkers. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks, guys! Signed, Unhuggable

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:26] My opinion here. You're not being rude. Setting boundaries politely is not rude. Some people might take it that way and you can let them know you're not a hugger and that should be the end of it. Nobody is entitled to hug or touch you. This is a boundary that I think people should respect more than they seem to. They might feel a little rejected. So what? That's their problem and after you explain your situation, it's on them. If they're determined to take offense at this, fine. Go ahead, but know that they're being unreasonable. OCD is a real disorder as you know. Many people don't seem to understand this. Howie Mandel, we did the interview, I think before or after, I can't remember it. We had a story where there was a guy who touched him on the head and there was another guy that grabbed his hand to shake it as a hilarious joke and he was pissed because he's like, “You think it's funny and everyone's laughing at me, which is humiliating. But now I've got to go spend 15 minutes soaping up in the bathroom with scalding hot water because I have a mental disorder. And you wanted a 12-second laugh like F you, man.” So people don't understand this and if they're determined to treat you in a way that they want to, despite the boundary that's they're just totally socially inept. If they don't understand that other people have boundaries that aren't the same as theirs, and that is something you can be patient with. You can explain, but it doesn't require you to put up with something that makes you uncomfortable any more than you'd require somebody with an injured ankle to climb a flight of stairs because their ankle doesn't hurt. And just cause people at work won't respect your boundaries, it doesn't mean you're required to change your boundaries.

[00:38:06] When people try to hug you, you explain that you're not a hugger. You give them a smile. “Look, sorry, I'm not a hugger.” Throw your hands up and you know, say, “Look, I'm not a hugger.” Whatever else you're comfortable with, people will understand. And if there are still one or two who don't, yeah, that's their problem. Not your problem at all. I wouldn't waste a single second worrying about those people after that. If they want to be smack talkers or they want to be like, “I don't understand, I feel rejected. Fine. Not your problem, not something you need to worry about at all. I wouldn't give this a single second of thought. I would come up with your I'm-not-a-hugger routine and I would not worry about it at all after that. If people get it, great. If they don't get it, tough crap, not your problem. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:48] Hey, Triple J. Hope you guys are doing well. I've heard you encourage your listeners to negotiate higher wages, but does this apply to everyone? I'm only 22 with no education, not even high school and I've been working for almost nine years. I've been at my current job, which is an entry-level manufacturing role for just over a year. Admittedly, I've gotten pretty good at it. My attendance record is spotless except for one sick day. I always say yes to voluntary overtime when needed and my boss has only said good things about my work so far. At the same time, my current rate of pay is five percent above the regional average for this type of role and our benefits are outrageously competitive. We have yearly evaluations in the fall with raises based on performance. As a young worker in a relatively low paying position, would it be appropriate for me to request a raise if one isn't given or to negotiate a slightly higher one if offered? How can I know if I'm being paid fairly, especially since I'm already happy with my job? Thanks so much for the work you do. Signed, Trying to Know My Place.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:48] In my opinion, you should always try to negotiate a raise. Always. The reason is because over time it's like compound interest in a way. The more you earn early on, the more you earn during your lifetime and the more you can put away towards a home, a car or retirement, et cetera. Nobody should ever fault you for trying to negotiate a raise. Asking for what you think your worth is. Not an aggressive move. It's not an impolite situation and on the contrary, it shows ambition. It ensures the employer that you actually want to stick around. It doesn't mean you'll get a raise every time, but you should always try to negotiate a raise, even if it's just, “Hey, five percent for inflation or whatever it is.” You can probably find the average salary in your position through your union if you have a union. If not, do some sleuthing on Google. That should help ask other people at your level and higher. You might not even get the exact number, but you'll get close. And even so, it doesn't matter if you're being slightly underpaid or slightly overpaid. The market price for your work compared to the true value of your time is what you're worth. In other words, you're worth what you're able to get from your employer, and sure, you might have arguments if your salary is below average, but that's not the case here. Here, you're making five percent more than average. Good. If your boss comes back with, “Hey, you're making more than average already.” Show her in some way that you're delivering ten percent more value, not just five percent more value. Document and point to your sick. Leave the amount of overtime that you've worked. Successful projects or initiatives that you've completed, et cetera.

[00:41:19] Coming in armed with this information will help you negotiate and if they say, “Well, when you work overtime, you're paid for overtime, you can say yes, but I'm always reliable to work overtime. There's a lot of times you need people to work overtime and you can't find it. I always for that.” That is worth more than just the hourly overtime rate. The fact that you're extra reliable and available, that's worth a premium. If they don't think it is, I bet you they know that other companies would value that type of amenable attitude. You don't have to threaten that, but they know, they know this. There is value for that and remember as we've said before, the strongest negotiating leverage you can have is an offer from another employer. I would refer to the negotiation episodes. We will link to those in the show notes. Those are with Alex Kouts. Those are super helpful. You don't have to go and interview at a bunch of places, but you should know kind of what you're dealing with because they might say no to a raise this year and they might have a good reason for it. But if they keep doing that year on year, you might get the hint that you need to move. You will earn more over time if you switch careers, not careers, but if you switch companies and positions every couple of years because you can negotiate like five and 15 percent raises every time you move. Whereas at a certain company, one company, you might only get like a two to five percent raise every year. So, there's something to be said and we covered this in the negotiation episodes for switching positions, but it doesn't mean you should always just leave if they won't give you a raise every single year. There's value in sticking with the company and learning a bunch as well.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:47] Note to self. Schedule a meeting with Jen for raised negotiations.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:52] Oh, I'm sorry. You're already earning over the average of our industry by X percent where X equals a fair amount.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:03] Note to self. Cancel meeting with Jen over negotiations for a raise.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:08] Anyway, moving right along. What's next in the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:12] Hello Jays. Around the holidays, I bought a pair of the Ancestry DNA kits for my wife and I. I'd researched my family history pretty deep and can trace some of my ancestors back to the original Jamestown settlement, which makes sense since I grew up a stone's throw away from it. After finally getting to spit in the tube and sending the samples off, I was excited to log into ancestry and fill out more things about my family tree. My mother was born overseas as my maternal grandfather was an American GI in World War II. This is where the story takes as you might think, an expected turn. Much to my shock, I read the information and saw a name that was matched is a genetic match to my father only. That name isn't the man I called my father. I'd had a somewhat strained relationship with the man I knew as dad until I was out of college. We've been cool since. File that away for just a second. Now, here's where it takes an unexpected turn. The name that the genetic matched my father wasn't an unknown name. In fact, it was a name I'd only recently recognized because of recent friend requests on Facebook. No Facebook wasn't snooping on the test results. He was added before I even ordered the test. Yes, Ancestry told me the name of my real father and I was friends with him on Facebook. Why do I know him? His wife and kids lived a few houses over from mine as a child. I'd reconnected with via Facebook briefly a few years ago, so here I am looking at a name I know but don't know. I called my mom within a few days and when I pressed her about it if there was something that she needed to tell me about my birth, she said, “No.” When I mentioned the DNA test and there was a name that wasn't my dad's, she mentioned this person precisely by name. Then there was this whole rigamarole about your mother made mistakes and ran around when she was younger and believed me to be my dad's because everyone said I looked like him except my late aunt, but I don't know if that's fact or fiction. That was in March. I haven't spoken with her since I replied to one text. I'm pretty jacked up in the head over this and wonder if I'm being petty in ignoring every Facebook message, phone call, text message, et cetera. I didn't even talk to her on Mother's Day. My parents are in their 70s my mother's own cognitive dissonance essentially lied to me for almost 40 years. I'm pissed. I feel betrayed and honestly, I've gone from really appreciating what my mother has done for me to just not giving a rat's ass if I ever speak to or see her again and know the man I knew as my dad didn't really quote-unquote raise me. I was four when they split and my mother remarried a tormenting alcoholic. I spent some time with him growing up, never living more than a few miles away, but I also didn't care for his new wife until long after I was old enough to realize she was cool and she'd passed on. I don't know if anything my mom has ever said about our family, her divorce or anything is legit. So the question is, how do I deal with this via professional help? I've succeeded almost in spite of my upbringing and these facts coming to light retrospectively make things so much clear about how I grew up. I desperately tried to remove myself from repeating the destructive path of what I thought was my parents, only to realize it was more destructive than I imagined. I don't know if my dad knows. I don't know if my genetic dad knows. He's now involved in church leadership somewhere down south. I just know this whole thing is fucked up. I'm fucked up thinking about it. I feel like I'm living with a burden now that I know. I don't want to tell my dad because I don't want him to be conflicted with this in his later years, but I feel like I'm lying to him if I don't tell him. He's also a very long way away and there's the fact that both my parents were friends and hung out with the other family involved here. My older than unknown half-brothers babysat me. I haven't really reached out to anyone and have no idea what to do. Signed, Shit That Only Happens on Maury Povich.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:57] Okay. Wowzah, you definitely need more support here than a quick one-off Feedback Friday email here. You definitely need to go grab a therapist betterhelp.com/jordan is a good place to start for that if you don't already have a therapist. Better Help is a great sort of sponsor that we have here that will help with this because you really do need more in-depth background. Somebody who knows the whole background, gets a play for all the characters here, et cetera. Option one though, keep it to yourself and feel the pressure to spill the beans. I don't recommend this way too much stress.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:33] No. That would be way too much stress. Yes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:36] Yeah. There's too much going on. There's way too much stress happening in sort of your life if you've got a bottle of this in and it's not really fair. Other options with your therapist lay out the pros and cons of discussing this with each family member. This will not be a simple task because there are a lot of factors here and the situation with each person is different. Also, remember that telling some people is almost certainly going to lead to other people finding out. For example, if you tell your dad --your non-biological dad, the guy you call your dad-- he might be super pissed. Go have two beers. Tell the other guy or tell the other guy's kids or tell the other guy's wife, you need to handle this and contain it so that innocent people don't get blindsided by this. Remember, this could turn your half-brother’s lives upside down. They played no part in creating this situation and one thing you should not do is bottle this up and let it keep eating you. It'll drive you nuts. You deserve to find some peace with this. It might just be a process and not something that happens instantly. But one last thing here. Look, I know you're super pissed at your mom, but remember if she's in her 70s and you cut her out of your life, you're likely going to regret it. I'm not telling you what you should do here, because obviously, I don't know the whole situation. But I think when you talk to your therapist, a good first step is figuring out how to get past the anger towards your mother. It's not that you can't be angry, certainly not that or that she doesn't deserve to have your anger, but it's also that you're punishing yourself. Being angry at somebody who's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick, and you've got to look at this as self-care, not as giving your mother a pass, especially because if you're angry for a really long time and then she passes away and you never quite make that right, you're going to have to deal with whatever fallout there might be for the rest of your life, which really sucks. You might in two years after she dies, be like, “Oh, I get it. We've all done things for negative reasons,” and then you're just like, “Wow, I really wasted the last couple of years in my mom's life being pissed when this was something that happened 35 years ago.” It's just, it's a whole thing. Don't try to do this alone. betterhelp.com/jordan, go get yourself some therapy and deal with this in a very, very sort of measured way. Not in a go-drink-three-beers-and-text-everyone kind of way.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:59] Yeah. You got to put some thought behind how this is going to play out because there are so many people at play here. Like you said, you have to even think about the order of operations if you are going to confront those people. What is the order that isn't going to trickle down and jump other people in line? Your first ad might go to the wife of the biological dad and then everything is on the table and a lot of unintended consequences happen. That would be terrible, but I mean I feel really bad for this guy because this is the brave new world with all these genetics. I just want to find out if I'm going to have gout in 20 years and turns out, whoops, not my dad. That's a tough one.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:39] Yeah, that is a tough one. I like what you said about the order of operations because I can see it being like, “Okay, I'm just going to bounce this off to my sister.” And then your sister is like, “Oh my God, I can't contain it.” And then she goes and yells at your mom who then goes, “Okay, well I better warn the dad because otherwise, he's going to be pissed at me.” So then she calls him and he's like, “What?” Tries to call you but is so mad and he ends up calling the other guy or the other guy's kids or posts about it on. I mean you just don't know. There can be so much fun and then suddenly these people that you grew up with, they're like, “Thanks for imploding my life. Like you couldn't have thrown me a heads up first,” and it's like, “Oh yeah, maybe I should have like let them know first. Or if there are all kinds of considerations here that you just don't know. The easiest thing to do for everyone else is to just bottle it in but that's not going to be healthy for you either. This is a situation that your mom created a long, long, long time ago with that other guy. So, I think you should feel okay distributing some of the consequences over to them, but it doesn't have to be in such a way that the entire whole situation gets set on fire.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:48] Yeah. And I'm with you on making peace with his mom. Absolutely. Because yeah, we all make mistakes. Her big mistake was not saying anything for his entire life. I mean, who knows? Maybe she didn't even know. Maybe she was in denial. Denial is very powerful. She's like, “Yeah, kind of looks like him, but we're all good,” and just swept it under the rug. People who tell themselves a lie long enough to start to believe that lie. She may have come to grips with this a long time ago and has never given it a second thought.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:19] Or like you said, didn't even know. And also even if she did know, went well, they're never going to be able to find out. So no harm, no foul. Now I have a nice family. Let's not worry about this.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:28] Yeah. Yeah. So definitely a professional who has done this before is somebody that you want to talk to because there are therapists out there now who are getting ramped up on this because it's going to be happening more and more and more.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:42] Yeah. Nobody does this, sunsets, the whole thing. And then goes, gee, in 30 years at-home DNA testing is going to blow the lid off this one.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:50] Yeah. Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:52] You want to go into this with the mindset of sunsetting this whole thing. Not that you have to put it aside or forget about it, but you want to contain the explosion. And so that's the mindset here. This is delicate and you need somebody who is on your team --your therapist-- who is going to go, “Okay, if we move this chest piece over here, what happens? Okay, if we moved this piece over here, what happens? Okay.” Because you're not playing dominoes, you're playing chess with people's feelings in a way and there's a lot of innocent bystanders and there are some less innocent bystanders as well. It's not something we can solve in one single email here. But what you should know is you don't have a duty to bottle this up and that I think is important.

[00:53:37] Life Pro Tip here. Before you give a previous job as a reference, have a friend pretending to be a potential employer. Call that reference and ask about you because this way you can avoid derailing your job hunt. So, legally previous employers can really only answer two questions and those two questions are, one, did they work there? And two, are they re-hirable? Anything more than that, they can get sued for it. It's called defamation of character. I would also record the call using something like TapeACall Pro. It's for iOS. We can link to that in the show notes. TapeACall Pro is an easy app and it can record calls. You can also just set it up next to another iPhone or whatever using a voice recorder. It's really easy or he can call in front of you. Not a big deal, but you kind of want to hear it and I would record it just in case they say, “That guy's a real scumbag.” It's like, oh, well now you've got a suit on your hands and you should know what they say if they're trying to derail your job hunt, but I would test these references. Yes, it's illegal for them to really sort of mess everything up, but you also don't know. They might call somebody, it's the wrong person. They don't have a record for you or “Oh, he went by his middle name. That's why I didn't find it.” I mean you don't want to find out that they were using your middle name on your name tag and your first name in the records and you put your name you thought was in the records on the reference and then suddenly they say, “He never worked here,” and you don't wonder why you get a call back or you don't get a call back from your new job, so you've got to be careful. I would check this. It's really easy to do. Just bear in mind that when you record a phone call, there's something called the two-party consent and one-party consent. You have to know when you're in a specific state, whether you need to tell them you're recording the call or not. So if you're in Nevada for example, as long as you know you're recording, you're good, but if you're in California, I think in New York you need to make sure that both parties know and you can even say, “Hi, this is Jordan harbinger calling for such and such company on a recorded line. I'm trying to verify some employment.” That's good enough. Then they go, “Oh, okay, let me check that.” That's good enough. That's why when you call American Express they say, “This is Angela from American Express on a recorded line. How can I help you?” That's how they get around that. You can do the exact same thing.

[00:55:47] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to Ruby Johnson. She's 11 and she loves our Feedback Friday advice. Obviously, she's pretty grown-up. I always have to think like, “Ooh, what have we said in the past couple of weeks,” that would be suitable or unsuitable for an 11-year-old? Yeah. Okay, well, hi, Ruby! Go back and check out the guests, Kim Scott and Justin Paperny if you haven't heard that yet. If you want to know how we managed to get all these amazing folks on the show, all this great expertise here on Feedback Friday. Well, we've been reaching out and developing our network for years using systems and tiny habits. We're teaching you how to do that for free. That's at Six-Minute Networking. That's the name of the course and that's at jordanharbinger.com/course. Of course, it's free and I know you think you're going to do it later but the problem is you can't make up for a lost time when it comes to relationships and your network. The number one mistake I see business owners and students make is they kicked the can down the road. They don't dig the well before they get thirsty. Once you need relationships, you are too late to leverage those relationships. These drills, they take a few minutes per day. Hence the name six-minute networking. Ignore this at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. It's not fluff. It's crucial and you can find that at jordanharbinger.com/course. I’m on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with me and the show and videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:57:15] My personal websites over at jpd.me and you can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show or your podcast player of choice. And Ruby, skip this one. It's a little adult.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:24] Yeah, yeah. Skip that podcast. This show is produced in association with PodcastOne and this episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger. Show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. We'll always keep you anonymous. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipe, very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:57:54] Calling all true crime fans. The Court Junkie Podcast is now on PodcastOne. Imagine being wrongfully convicted for a crime he didn't commit, or a killer is still on the loose even though there's enough evidence for an arrest. The Court Junkie Podcast shines a light on the injustices of the judicial system with deep dives in the court documents and interviews closest to the case. Download new episodes of Court Junkie Podcast on Apple Podcasts and PodcastOne.