1016: Is Husband Faking Feelings or Freezing Fears? | Feedback Friday

1016: Is Husband Faking Feelings or Freezing Fears? | Feedback Friday

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[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback. Friday producer, my first officer Manning the Crow's Nest on this all inclusive dues cruise. Gabriel Mizrahi

[00:00:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: dues cruise. That was so good. Yeah. One of our listeners used that word in a review the other week and we can't stop saying it, so thank you for that.

[00:00:21] Jordan Harbinger: Yep. Goes by the name Alpi Gal on Apples. Shout out to you for that. Gem Alpi Gal.

[00:00:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, chef's Kiss. Truly,

[00:00:27] Jordan Harbinger: I gotta say, it really does capture what this show feels like. One long floating party through occasional choppy waters on the way to some picturesque archipelago.

[00:00:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. With occasional bouts of heavy drinking at the open bar.

For sure.

[00:00:39] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Just staring out at the open ocean contemplating life, then stumbling downstairs to catch a comedy show by the slot machines.

[00:00:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Meanwhile, the people writing it are in the, uh. In the wave pool, getting their swimsuits pulled down. Exactly. Just chilling in that weird pool of the kids peeing.

What are we talking about right now? I have no idea. I'm not sure.

[00:00:57] Jordan Harbinger: I have to say though, people do give us a lot of compliments and not being like, Hey, what was your weekend like? And that stupid banter. But I feel like we're, we're towing. We're in dangerous waters right now in this dude's cruise, as far as our opening banter on the Jordan Harbinger Show.

But he code the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from arms dealers to cult members, rocket scientists, four star generals, astronauts.

This week we had Jamie Metzel, author of Super Convergence, how the Genetics, biotech and AI Revolutions are gonna transform our Lives, work and the world. Really interesting guy. Really interesting conversation. He's super well informed. This guy, a friend of mine, he's been on like three times. Just a guy who really researches things deeply and is super sharp and a great conversationalist.

We also had a skeptical Sunday, last Sunday on big dairy. Your favorite, Gabriel,

[00:01:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'll be tuning in for that one. Yeah, for sure.

[00:01:53] Jordan Harbinger: On Fridays though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and, uh, apparently compare our show to a highly dysfunctional, but undeniably awesome cruise ship.

[00:02:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yep. Sales out.

Nails out, bro.

[00:02:04] Jordan Harbinger: Yep. Is that a cruise ship thing? Never heard that.

[00:02:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: No,

[00:02:07] Jordan Harbinger: I don't, I don't do a lot of cruises.

[00:02:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: Not a cruise guy. Mm-Hmm. Huh. Weird. No, it's this thing they said on succession, when they go on the yacht, there are no, no shoes allowed. And Kendall says, uh, sails out, nails out.

[00:02:17] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, I totally, I was thinking fingernails.

I haven't seen that show.

[00:02:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: And again, I ask you, what are you doing with your life?

[00:02:23] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, just keeping this cruise ship afloat and populating the earth with my adorable spawn. What are you doing with your life?

[00:02:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: God knows. I don't know. Going to hot yoga, watching octopus documentaries.

[00:02:34] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Speaking of nails out, actually, I've met the, I met the director of one of your favorite octopus documentaries. She's a sweetheart. Really? Obviously gifted Wait, AF person. My

[00:02:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: octopus teacher.

[00:02:44] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:02:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh dude, by the way. Listener of the show. Oh, that's awesome. I am obsessed with that documentary.

[00:02:51] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah,

[00:02:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: I love that documentary.

[00:02:53] Jordan Harbinger: We went to this dinner where you can't tell anybody what you do and she's like, I recognize you. So when we have to guess what people do, she was like a fireman because she didn't want to be like, I already know who you are. Which I thought was pretty cool. She thought you were

[00:03:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: a

[00:03:03] Jordan Harbinger: fireman? No, she just fake guest.

Oh, okay. Because she didn't wanna be like, I recognize you from the internet. Which I think is amazing. 'cause that never happens. That's

[00:03:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: really sweet.

[00:03:11] Jordan Harbinger: But, uh, well, not never, but

[00:03:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: that's hilarious. 'cause I was gonna say, you don't give firemen vibes. Exactly.

[00:03:16] Jordan Harbinger: No, I just, it was funny though, 'cause at first I was like super flattered, you know?

I was like, wow. She thinks I'm like this big hunky fireman. And then she's like, nah, I just knew you're this dorky podcast where that I've heard before. And I was like, oh, ruined it. Anyway, before we dive in. I was thinking this week, Gabe, remember when we went to North Korea the first time and we had that whole incident with the iPad?

[00:03:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh. Kind of remind me At the airport, right?

[00:03:37] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So our first time to North Korea, this is like 2011. The iPad had recently come out, I think maybe less than a year before. I'm not quite sure. Mm-Hmm. At the airport, they go through all of your stuff pretty, yeah. It's pretty invasive. I mean, they will go through like everything, even your phone.

They

[00:03:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: wanna make sure you're not bringing in any band books or drugs or, yes. Whatever. Mm-Hmm.

[00:03:55] Jordan Harbinger: I don't even know if they care about drugs. I think they're literally looking for Bibles or whatever. So we're at the airport and one of the guys on this trip with us, I think it was, I think his name was Andrew.

One of the airport security guards takes out his iPad from his bag and he's kind of concerned and he's like, is this a GPS device? 'cause he has no idea what it is, right? It's just a new form factor. It's all screen. I remember Andrew makes this face like, am I in trouble?

[00:04:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was already picturing the gulag they were gonna throw him into, I do remember this,

[00:04:18] Jordan Harbinger: right?

And it was one of those guys who's like, I don't have to follow the rules. He wasn't like blatantly, but he was kind of like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna push the edges because I'm flirting with everyone. And it's like, calm down, you're in North Korea. But anyway, he turns to me and he is like, Jordan, is this a GPS?

I'm like, absolutely not. Because that's the only answer you have. And if there were a couple of people whose cameras had those GPS stickers on it, like, we geotag where you are. And I was like, ah, right, peel that off or cover it with tape, whatever. Right? So the guard opens it up and he starts going through photos and his photo album on the iPad and zooming in.

He's like, what should I show him? Maps? I was like, do not show him maps you knucklehead.

[00:04:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Why would you show him the map? That's the opposite. The last thing

[00:04:53] Jordan Harbinger: you should show him is maps. So, uh, he's exhuming in on photos and opening up random apps and you can just tell he is loving this shit because this guard, these guys have real salty, just stepped in.

Dog dude who faces 24 7. That's their job. This guy starts to crack a smile and he calls over the other guards and they start playing with it and the screen's all bright and they're all smiling. Finally, a supervisor comes over and he is like, what is this? And they show him and he, he even starts smiling and we're just showing these guys the iPad and this goes on for another minute or two until they realize like, oh, we're, we're screening in enemy spies into our secretive communist paradise regime here.

Maybe we should put our game face back on and they put it back. They tell Andrew he's good, and they, they again, they put their stank faces back on. We go back out into the world, uh, of North Korea. But it was so funny because their humanity just peaks out a little tiny bit. There was no dude in the airport who didn't think that shit was amazing the first time they saw it.

It was kind of a really adorable slash sad moment to see them enjoy this technology for a few minutes and for the rest of the trip. The tour guides kept taking Andrew's iPad and playing video games on it, and they wouldn't let him use his own iPad for basically the whole trip. You know, he was trying to offload photos and like retouch them on the iPad and whatever.

There was one time we were in a cave. Literally in a cave, I remember. And the, we hear someone running behind us and he's like running, running, running, running. It was Dark Cave and it's our tour guide and he's like, Andrew, what's the password? Because he apparently, he probably went to like smoke a cigarette or something and the screen locked and he needed to numbers to open it.

So he ran into a cave to find us so he could play with it. It was so funny.

[00:06:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's right before we disappeared for four hours into the labyrinth. That's so funny. Yeah,

[00:06:27] Jordan Harbinger: absolutely hysterical. Um, I mentioned this last week, I just wanna tell you guys again now on our website, if you go to the landing page for a specific episode, you'll see icons for the major podcast apps there under the show Art.

So if you click them, they'll take you to that episode on that specific app, which is a cool feature. Super handy. I wanna make sure you guys know about it. A lot of the older apps don't have this. It's only the newer apps like the last couple weeks. That's a feature that was requested by one of y'all on the website.

And of course we had to recode it. It wasn't, it's never a simple fix around here, but now that works. So if you wanna share an episode, they can just open it in the app with those buttons finally. Alright, as always fun ones. Doozies. Let's dive in. Gabe, what is the first thing out of the mail bag?

[00:07:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe.

I've known my husband for 15 years. We dated briefly when we were young, when our separate ways reconnected and have now been married for five years. We've had our ups and downs, but in general I describe myself as happy. Everyone loves my husband. He's a hard worker and a great homemaker, and we're on the same page with most of our principles too.

Recently, however, we moved from my home state, which we loved, to Wisconsin, to be closer to my 9-year-old stepson. It's been very challenging to adjust and we started to bicker until we began couples therapy. I thought it was going well, except I wasn't sure he was engaging as much as he could have, which he later admitted to.

One sticking point in our relationship has been his lack of communication when he goes on work trips. His coworkers tend to go pretty hard drinking when they get together, and recently he didn't respond all night. Even though I could see his location move from bar to bar and then to his hotel, he claimed that he drank too much.

They stuck him in an Uber and he wasn't intentionally ignoring my calls and texts. I have no reason to believe he was cheating, but the situation put me on alert. Since then, I found inappropriate flirtatious texts with an older married woman, friend of his who lives in another state. They've known each other for years, and from what I can tell, it has always been platonic until this point before his trip.

I told him that the frequency with which they were communicating made me uncomfortable. He has since blocked her. Those two incidents have caused strife in our relationship, and because he saw me spiraling, I guess he decided it was a good time to reveal something that he's been hiding from everyone.

[00:08:39] Jordan Harbinger: Here we go. The first port of call for the dues cruise,

[00:08:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: he told me that he believes that he has borderline personality disorder.

[00:08:55] Jordan Harbinger: Yes. I've been sitting on that one for years. Literally,

[00:08:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: I had a feeling.

[00:08:59] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So BPD. Okay.

[00:09:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: According to him, he finds it hard to feel emotions deeply and has a hard time considering how his actions may impact me. I asked if he loved me and he said, quote, as much as someone like me can love someone, unquote mm.

He said that in previous relationships, he hid who he was until it got to a certain point and then he pushed them away. He says that when he was a kid and close family passed away, people would tell him it's okay to cry, but he didn't feel as sad as they expected him to. He has a hard time describing his feelings in therapy because he doesn't have that many feelings.

He's even faked crying.

[00:09:35] Jordan Harbinger: Interesting. But sorry, I'm confused. This doesn't sound like borderline personality disorder to me. It sounds like he's describing, I don't know, sociopathy, right?

[00:09:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: I think he has his terms confused. So Antisocial personality disorder is the current label that encompasses what we commonly call sociopathy.

This does not sound like BPD to me.

[00:09:55] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Okay. That's what I thought.

[00:09:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, but who knows? I mean, there might be more than one thing going on here. Also, having a hard time describing your feelings, also known as alexathymia. That can be a symptom of many different things. PTSD, autism, just your garden variety repression doesn't necessarily mean he has an official disorder.

[00:10:15] Jordan Harbinger: Right. But he's saying it's not just that he can't describe his feelings, it's that he might not actually have any.

[00:10:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. And he apparently fake cried. I don't know if that was in a conversation they had privately or in therapy, but that is, that's an interesting move.

[00:10:29] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that does kind of sound pathological to me.

But again, maybe it's just a him thing.

[00:10:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: So she goes on. I also asked more than once if he wants me to stay, and he said yes, but he also doesn't wanna hurt me. This is so much for me to process. I feel like I'm mourning the death of the person I thought I married, and I don't know if I can believe anything he says anymore.

Yeah, no kidding. Part of me wants to pack it in instead of waiting for him to hurt me or toss me aside. But my family is very religious and looks down on divorce, and while we don't have any children, we have built a life together and have two homes. On the other hand, I've read that people with BPD are capable of having healthy relationships and he has scheduled an appointment with a therapist specializing in BPD.

[00:11:13] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. Again, I'm not getting BPD from this letter. I am no expert, but I'm very happy to hear that he's starting therapy because if this therapist is worth their salt, they should be able to assess him and figure out if this label even fits.

[00:11:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: And yes, people with BPD are totally capable of having healthy relationships if they address the trauma and other themes that underlie the BPD.

Of course they can. So she goes on. I've been looking for a therapist for myself as well, but he didn't want to continue couples therapy. Should I leave Wisconsin and start over? Or do I owe it to our relationship to give it some more time? How do I know that this all isn't just a facade? Signed sequester before things fester or remain a nester with my possible Dexter?

[00:11:54] Jordan Harbinger: Oh boy. Well, the dude's cruise is kicking off nicely today. Gabe, our first stop, my possibly cheating husband is low key, a sociopath. What a thing to discover after two years. I'm curious to know

[00:12:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: whether she had any indications he was like this before. I mean, not having feelings. That's pretty noticeable.

Yeah, isn't it? That's not like discovering somebody's secretly cross dresses and you never knew or something like that. And how do you miss that? Somebody doesn't have feelings.

[00:12:16] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Unless he's the greatest fake crier in history.

[00:12:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Just a Daniel Day Lewis caliber performance on a daily basis. Yeah. In their shrinks office.

Yeah. Possibly.

[00:12:25] Jordan Harbinger: It does sound like he's learned from a young age actually how to perform the role of an emotionally functioning human being, so Right. Maybe there's something there that's a little bit terrifying. Of course. I mean, our friend here asked him, her, her husband, if he loved her, and he said, and I can only imagine it was sort of deadpan.

As much as someone like me can love someone, right, with ominous music playing softly in the background. That's just weird.

[00:12:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's unsettling from the person you've known for 15 years especially.

[00:12:50] Jordan Harbinger: Yes. It's very Dexter, as you pointed out. It's very Michael C. Hall monotone, so your husband obviously has some very profound work to do.

Like we said, I think he might have his labels wrong, but the labels are secondary. Let's look at the behavior. He's not communicating with you. He's flirting with another woman, another married woman. That's what you know about. He struggles to feel his feelings if he has them at all. He's putting on a show in couples therapy now.

He doesn't want to go at all. He's hiding parts of himself from you, which he says is a pattern. He's probably ashamed of who he is, and he's working very hard to keep that a secret,

[00:13:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: which actually breaks my heart the most. That detail.

[00:13:25] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, same. Look, I'm super frustrated with this guy. What he's doing is not okay.

But he's obviously very wounded somehow, or he's wired this way genetically.

[00:13:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: My hunch is it's more the former.

[00:13:36] Jordan Harbinger: You think,

[00:13:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: I don't know. Something happened to this guy. Uh, yeah. To not have feelings or not be in touch with your feelings. I think there's something in his childhood made it difficult for him to do that.

[00:13:45] Jordan Harbinger: Gotta be right. I mean, something his parents did, the home he grew up in, early life experiences. Something

[00:13:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: on the other hand, you know, credit where credit's due. She asked him if he wants her to stay and he said yes. That's a really big deal for a person like this because like he said, his pattern is to hide who he is and then push people away before they can find out.

So that's actually a very big step for him.

[00:14:04] Jordan Harbinger: True. And he also said that he doesn't wanna hurt her. So I guess there's that which

[00:14:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: is surprisingly empathetic for a guy who says that he struggles to understand how his behavior impacts her.

[00:14:14] Jordan Harbinger: Agreed. But that's also what I find confusing about this guy. I mean, can he empathize with her or not?

Is he a total Dexter or is there a full human in there somewhere and he's like masking it? I don't know.

[00:14:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: It is confusing, but I think this suggests that he does on some level, have the capacity to consider another person's experience. And that is very encouraging,

[00:14:33] Jordan Harbinger: right? He can build on that. And the other very encouraging sign is that he sought out a therapist and he's going, even if he's kind of fn his way through some of it in the past.

So I think your husband, look, he needs to go do that work. I'm curious to see what he learns, how he grows, what he applies from his sessions to your relationship. It's possibly he's about to crack wide open and finally confront a ton of stuff about himself and heal some very old wounds and become a very different person and partner.

I just, man, I think it's gonna take a lot of work. I think it's gonna take a lot of time. You are gonna have to be patient if that's what you're gonna do, but if he throws himself into the process, if he really embraces what he and his therapist figure out together and runs with it, I think there's some hope here.

And then you're just gonna have to see how that changes him, how that impacts your relationship. So I do think it's worth hanging around for a little bit to see how that goes. I mean, I would be curious. You don't need to hang around for like five years until you have an answer. You can give it six months.

See if anything changes. If your husband starts opening up to you, if you start to see genuine emotions come out of him, if he starts communicating better in basic ways, considering your feelings more, those would all be indications that he's making progress and that might give you some confidence to continue sticking around while he does this work.

But if he treats individual therapy the way he treated couples therapy, I think you're gonna know just based on what he shares about the process and how he shows up in your marriage. And I would really pay attention to that signal.

[00:15:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Agreed completely. I'm also thrilled to hear that you are looking to start therapy yourself.

No surprise here. Uh, I obviously think that's, that's essential. Right.

[00:16:04] Jordan Harbinger: And you know, this man,

[00:16:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: you just hit me with a quote from, was that next Friday? It's a quote

[00:16:11] Jordan Harbinger: from Friday.

[00:16:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: Friday

[00:16:12] Jordan Harbinger: on feedback. Friday.

[00:16:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's Meta Friday reference right there. Mm-Hmm. I love that. That's Chris Tucker, right?

[00:16:18] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Whatever happened to that guy?

Like

[00:16:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: where is that guy? I don't know what a gem he is though.

[00:16:22] Jordan Harbinger: Crushed it in that. And then it was like rush hour in the fifth element and now the dude can't get arrested, apparently. I don't know. Or maybe he did and that's why we don't see him anymore.

[00:16:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: He was in Silver Linings playbook in a small role in the beginning, weirdly.

Okay. And I feel like he does strange art house movies now. You see him pop up every now and again, but he doesn't work a lot. I don't know why. He's great. Yeah. Anyway, kudos to us for staying on topic every single time. I feel like the dues crews got diverted, but your husband dropped a real bombshell here and probably has the biggest amount of work to do.

But look, there's a lot going on for you here too. You've known him for 15 years. You chose him. You might have overlooked certain signs. Plus you're going through a lot right now as you come to terms with all of this. So yeah, there's stuff for you to do here too. I was bummed to hear that he wants to give up on couples therapy, but I also wonder if you guys need to focus on your own separate work.

Right now, couples therapy is great, but when one or both of the people involved have significant work to do, it can be really hard to make progress.

[00:17:23] Jordan Harbinger: Well, right. How do you help a couple succeed when one of them has serious unaddressed trauma or an undiagnosed personality disorder or whatever? Right. I imagine those sessions either end up being about one of the patients or something huge gets ignored while the therapist tries to talk to them about like, I don't know what he, why he needs to text her back when he goes out drinking.

Exactly. Like, bro, there's a literal Dexter in the room. We gotta talk about that.

[00:17:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Just Michael C. Hall sitting next to her on the couch, mentally counting how many blood slides he has in his air conditioner at home. And meanwhile she's like, yes, you didn't text me before you went to bed.

[00:17:55] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Just it.

It's funny 'cause if you saw that scene in a movie, it's a comical scene. Because he's got this dark secret that's going unaddressed, and she's like, yeah, we're thinking about what kind of cake to get. Meanwhile, he's like, if I slice this way, I can cut the body into smaller pieces. No, seriously, she might have to let him do his own work, go do hers, see where they are, or just start over and chart her own path and pick up the pieces here.

[00:18:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's also an option, hopefully in a state that doesn't make her wanna unlive herself. No shade to Wisconsin. I look, I hear their cheese as top shelf, but you do sound pretty miserable there. So,

[00:18:28] Jordan Harbinger: I mean, what would you know about Wisconsin's cheese, Gabe? Nothing.

[00:18:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: Absolutely nothing. To be honest. You haven't dabbled in dairy for a dozen years.

Again, hitting the dairy point really hard today. But you know, I can still appreciate another, another culture.

[00:18:41] Jordan Harbinger: Culture. I think you're thinking of yogurt. But listen, if you don't get any indications that your husband is getting better or you feel that this isn't the right relationship for you and things are irreparable and you need to go your own way, I would completely understand.

And if that's the case, I would not let your family's feelings about divorce stop you from considering the option. I'm actually pretty concerned about that. I worry about her staying in a very unhealthy marriage because she's afraid of what her parents might think.

[00:19:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, another great thing to unpack in individual therapy and maybe one of the ways in which she's tolerated an untenable situation.

I also wouldn't stay because you guys own two homes together, by the way. But I think that goes without saying.

[00:19:20] Jordan Harbinger: I found that interesting too. She's pointing to two reasons to stick around here, her family's values and their assets, and I get it. That makes a potential divorce more complicated. But you are literally talking about staying married to somebody who thinks they have no feelings and doesn't maybe really love you in the sort of way that is real.

Mm-Hmm. And you're like, yeah, but we own a townhouse in a cottage by a lake and ugh. Can you imagine the paperwork? Yeah. No, you cannot resign yourself to a toxic marriage because you're of your real estate portfolio. You just can't do that. I'm not saying you have to get a divorce, but if it comes down to that, I promise you, you can figure this stuff out.

People do it all the time.

[00:19:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Also, you can't put a price on your mental health, your freedom, your integrity. No.

[00:20:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I'd give up a cottage by the lake to not be cheated on and lied to for years by somebody who's just been pretending to be somebody different. But that is just me.

[00:20:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: Depends on the cottage, to be honest.

Depends on the life, I

[00:20:12] Jordan Harbinger: suppose. It depends how, just how nice is this cottage? Yeah, exactly. So that's our take. Go off and do your individual work. Go from there. Whatever you do, keep listening to yourself. Stay connected to your feelings. That's crucial. Right now, you gotta take care of yourself. Sending you a big hug and we're wishing you and yes, even your possibly Dexter of a husband who definitely has a first class ticket for the dues cruise.

All the best. Speaking of Dexter, our sponsors are slashing their prices, tossing the remains into tightly wrapped garbage bags and sinking them to the bottom of the ocean off the coast of Florida. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help Ever Find Yourself, scrolling Through Social Media Marveling at their Disgustingly Perfect Lives on display and thinking, why can't I be like that?

Well, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing your everyday moments to somebody else's highlight reel. I think we all kind of do that subconsciously, where everything looks all put together. It's obviously important to remember that those perfect posts don't show the full story. Everybody faces challenges and off days.

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Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now back to feedback Friday. Okay, what's next?

[00:22:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I recently signed on to work with a publishing coach and paid him a bunch of money. He's worked with several people I know and is very good at what he does. Last week I had a phone coaching session with him and I mentioned that we're moving to the mainland from Hawaii this summer.

At the end of the conversation, he said he wanted to tell me something,

[00:23:12] Jordan Harbinger: so let's hear it. Port a call. Number two, for the dues crews prepare to disembark, ladies and gentlemen,

[00:23:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: he proceeded to tell me that Airbnb sent out letters to their hosts, warning them that the government would be shut down from June 6th to 16th.

He said, he was telling me because he cares about me and doesn't want me to make a reservation and have it be canceled or get stuck somewhere during that time. He said I should plan accordingly.

[00:23:36] Jordan Harbinger: Cool. So it's like July 12th when this is coming out. Mm-Hmm. We're recording this a few days in advance.

Spoiler alert, none of this happened. This actually happened. Yeah.

[00:23:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: I love when conspiracy theorists make these predictions and then nothing happens, and then afterward they're like. Well that's because, you know, the white hats and the deep state stepped into the last minute averted a crisis, thank God.

Like

[00:23:56] Jordan Harbinger: yeah. It's always something that's gonna be like, Q tweeted and said that they d you know, they managed to save the day because we've gave them enough likes on his last video. Or they're gonna be like, Hey, well it turns out it wasn't a little shutdown. It was a metaphorical one. Oh yeah. That's a good one.

Look, deputy ambassador. So and so to the island of Saipan resigned, and the Fed said it would revisit the federal funds rate next quarter. You gotta know how to interpret this stuff

[00:24:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: so funny. Like, thanks Craig, but you literally told me not to book a condo for my road trip that weekend. So nothing metaphorical about that weekend ruined.

[00:24:28] Jordan Harbinger: No. These people are kind of clownish. I, I'm not saying there isn't truly insane and heinous stuff happening that we have no idea about. Of course there is, but the idea that some publishing coach has special access to this kind of intel is patently absurd.

[00:24:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Also, he sang Airbnb sent this to all of their hosts.

That's mm-Hmm. Very easy to confirm also. That would be in the news. Yes. Also, why does Airbnb know and nobody else does,

[00:24:54] Jordan Harbinger: right? Yeah. Airbnb. So Brian Chesky over there, CEO, who's been on the show before, he just happens to know this because he went to an Illuminati meeting and he is like, you know what?

Right. I am gonna break confidentiality because it will greatly inconvenience my customers if I don't do so. It doesn't make any sense. No surprise there. I

[00:25:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: mean, Airbnb's prices are going up and everybody's really upset about it, so maybe this is part of their, I don't know, their white glove service part, right?

Part of the price hike. I don't know. Yeah, so she goes on, when I asked follow-up questions like how he heard about this, I asked if he's an Airbnb host and he's not. He said he found out from the internet. The uncensored internet.

[00:25:30] Jordan Harbinger: So fringe conspiracy publications and telegram. Cool sources, bro.

[00:25:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: He talked about how the good leaders from all the countries around the world, including Russia, China, North Korea, were working together to help end the current world, chaos.

[00:25:43] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, well that's a nice fantasy, isn't it? I'd love to believe that's true. I don't know how many white hats there are in three of the most repressive regimes in the entire world. Also, he left out the Aya TOAs. What's wrong with those guys? Huh? If you're a fan of Kim Jong-Un, you're gonna love Ayatollah Khomeini.

I also don't know if Putin and Kim Jong-un are really gonna let the white hats, you know, secretly pull the strings of world government. But I guess I appreciate his, can we call it optimism also? I'm really glad he is not an Airbnb host. Can you imagine? You rent a room from that guy and he is like, Hey, by the way.

It's supposed to be a whole global shutdown tomorrow, but don't worry, I have tons of weapons and ammunition, and I'll be here the whole time.

[00:26:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: He went through conspiracy after conspiracy pedophiles everywhere. Joe Biden is actually dead. There will be no election and more. Oh, well those are actually legit.

I take back everything I just said. Sorry.

[00:26:33] Jordan Harbinger: Right. Joe Biden's definitely dead. Have you seen the way he walks away from a podium?

[00:26:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh, that's an animatronic president if I've ever seen one. Holy crap.

[00:26:39] Jordan Harbinger: The problem with the whole animatronic Joe Biden thing is would they not make him a little more energetic if he was fake?

Good boy. Like maybe he wouldn't fall asleep during a debate. Watch November 5th, we're gonna all be at the phoning booths, right? And this guy's gonna be like, thank God those three guys and the workers party of Korea save the day.

[00:26:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: I was actually looking around the room to see if I was being punked. I've known this guy for months and never heard him say anything, especially odd.

So now I'm thinking I've basically thrown away several thousand dollars by signing on with this nutty guy. What should I do? Signed a regretful. Coachee, wondering whether to flee, plea, or just, you know, take a knee.

[00:27:19] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man. Well, I think you can tell where we stand on all this. I have so little patience for these yahoos, and again, not because I live in some fairytale reality where governments don't keep secrets.

I'm not naive. I know conspiracies exist, but the conspiracy theories that conspiracy nuts like this guy buy into with zero actual evidence except a message they read in a telegram group run by a guy named Dmitri and ni Nova, and then they turn around and pretend like they, with zero privilege or security clearances or maybe even more than two brain cells to rub together.

Have a unique line and insight into this stuff. It's so absurd. Although I do kind of love hearing about them 'cause they make me laugh in some ways. It's a little bit tragic though. So look, despite everything I've said so far, if this guy really is, if he's an amazing publishing coach, I. You can compartmentalize this conspiracy stuff and avoid this part of his personality and just focus on the work you do together.

You might be able to continue collaborating with him. You won't have thrown away several thousand dollars and if he keeps bringing this stuff up during your coaching sessions, I would just say something like, Hey, super interesting, Craig. Sounds like you're really plugged in. But I'm aware we only have so much time together.

I'm investing my energy and my money into this and I really wanna make sure that I use them wisely. So is it cool if we stay focused on the book? If he has a shred of self-awareness, he'll get the message. Although, and I wouldn't bank on that, and if he's dropping the stuff at the end of your zoom sessions or whatever, you can say, wow, so wild.

Thanks for letting me know. See you next week. But I would not get into a debate with the guy. I would not try to change his mind. It's a waste of your time. It's not your responsibility. It's only gonna entrench him further. But if the conspiracy stuff starts getting in the way of your work together, in other words, if he's actually not a good coach, that's a different story.

Then you're gonna have to put up with it and get what you can outta this guy, or ask to cancel your sessions, try to get your money back, which is awkward sometimes hard with certain coaches, especially if you've paid upfront. By the way, if you paid with a credit card, you probably have like 90 days to initiate chargebacks and stuff like that.

So maybe check where you are on that window. Or you just stop working with him and you cut your losses. But I would see if you can kind of quarantine this conspiratorial nonsense and just focus on your work because you said he is a good publishing coach and if you just engage with him on that level, eh, maybe it's fine.

This is no different from doing business with people who hold very different politics or beliefs from yours. I do think it's okay to compartmentalize when there's something useful to be done together. I don't care if Scientologists run my favorite ice cream shop, as long as they're not trying to hook me up to an e-meter every time I go in for some cookies and cream.

[00:29:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, depends how good the ice cream is. Am I right? I'll I I would probably do the e-meter for some, for some dairy free peon prai.

[00:29:54] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. Congrats on liking the most old man flavor ice cream on Earth. You and Larry King are the only people I know who like that one. Yeah. And he's no longer with us.

[00:30:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: RAP.

Does he really like pecan praline? Is that a thing?

[00:30:06] Jordan Harbinger: Dairy free pecan praline and unfiltered cigarettes. Oh, those are the two things you and Larry have in common.

[00:30:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: Well, look, while you do what Jordan recommended, just keep an eye on the general tone of your work together, because if someone is nutty enough to believe this stuff, they might also be nutty enough to, I don't know, recommend some hair-brained marketing strategy or introduce you to a dodgy editor or critique your writing through a certain lens and that.

Could actually be the bigger problem.

[00:30:31] Jordan Harbinger: Agreed. If you see any of that, I consider parting ways or calling him out and pushing back again. Give him a chance to prove what kind of person he is. Maybe he's weirdly collaborative and open when it comes to his coaching clients, even though he is rigid in his conspiratorial beliefs.

And good on you for thinking critically and sussing this guy out. I hope he can still be helpful to you. Good luck with your book. We, Kim Jong-Un and Vladi P are all rooting for you. You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise, use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a lot easier.

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We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Okay, next up.

[00:31:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a military lady getting ready to retire in just over a year. I have a wonderful veteran, former special operations forces husband and two amazing older kids. I'm a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to the military, having not commissioned until I was 29.

When I retire after more than 20 years in the military, I'll be 51 and starting over.

[00:31:43] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. I just wanna jump in real quick and say, mm-hmm. I bet your military background will be super interesting and valuable to people. You've probably seen a lot. Also, we never truly start over. We're just charting new territory.

What feels like starting over actually just means taking everything you've done and learned and finding new places where it's valuable. And I hear you, it's a huge transition, but you're never really starting from scratch and that's a really important thing to keep in mind. Carry on. Gabe.

[00:32:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: I've been working on my skill stacking for when I retire.

Thanks to you, I'm not super worried about a job. I strategically move to the DC area for future job potential. I have a top secret clearance. I've spent a lot of my career in combat environments and I have an MBA with an emphasis in logistics and over 20 years of experience. Well, there you go. So impressive.

[00:32:28] Jordan Harbinger: Proven my point. Total badass. I'm actually pumped for you to start the job hunting. I think it's gonna be super fun.

[00:32:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: I don't have a ton of extra money because this is an expensive area to live in and I don't have a lot of corporate experience. I've been looking into Coursera and Udemy, but understand they aren't accredited.

I. Also at my age, I'm not gonna be in my next career for another 20 years, but just long enough to get us into our forever land and retirement. I'd like to make a six figure salary since we couldn't live just on my husband's salary, and we really wanna be able to buy land, fix up a house, and devote ourselves to giving back to other veterans with our future business ideas.

[00:33:03] Jordan Harbinger: Amazing goals. I bet you'll get to do all of that.

[00:33:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: What's the best way to skill stack? Are those courses and certifications from websites like Coursera and Udemy enough to stack my resume? Or do I need to find the more expensive accredited courses? Does my advanced age make it difficult for me to get a high paying job signed?

Trying to crack this talent stack so I can give back fast track and eventually kick back?

[00:33:29] Jordan Harbinger: Great questions. First of all, for anybody who doesn't know skill stacking, also known as talent stacking, that's combining a variety of skills to create a unique and valuable skill set that makes you stand out. And I believe the term talent stacking was actually coined by Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert.

He's big on the idea of combining ordinary talents to become extraordinary. So he was a guest on the show twice, actually. Episode 2 73, episode 5 46. He's controversial now, especially, but an undeniably interesting guy. We'll link to those in the show notes. The reason Scott's so big on this is that is essentially what he did by creating Dilbert.

He was pretty good at cartooning, humor, business marketing, but he wasn't the best at any of those individually. And when he put 'em together, no one could do what he did. 'cause it was kind of that Venn diagram and he was in the middle of it. And it's kind of a great strategy for anybody in any field. So here's how you actually do that.

You start by becoming reasonably good at 2, 3, 4 different skills that you're interested in. So you aim for a reasonable proficiency, say top 25% in each field, strong enough to be useful and well versed, but not necessarily some kind of savant or master in that one area. Then you look for ways that those skills overlap to create a unique combination, and you offer those skills as a package in a way that very few people can.

So in your case, it might be combining your understanding of logistics, plus your ability to analyze intelligence, plus your experience in high stress environments, plus your relationships in the military world. Just to give a broad example. Then you keep deepening your skills and learning new ones over time, and you keep stacking and you keep growing.

That makes your stack stronger and more unique, and it leads you into more and more conversations, more and more opportunities, and the whole cycle reinforces itself. So it's not rocket science in theory, but the key is to stay very curious, work hard, combine your disparate skills in a way that A lights you up, and B is valuable to employers out there.

And then you learn how to tell that story in a way that makes sense to them. And then of course, you stay curious and motivated so that your stack gets stronger over time. This is a process. Some of it is very deliberate and strategic, but a lot of it is kind of serendipitous and opportunistic. So stay open to unexpected jobs, unusual conversations, weird breaks.

Sometimes those will help you build your talent stack in ways that you never really could have imagined. I. As for whether those online courses and certs are enough, eh, they're probably enough if you're actually learning, if you can apply what you learn in the real world, most employers care more that you can actually do something than whether you learned it from like Coursera or Yale or whatever.

The only exception I can think of is if you work in a field that is super high standards, like if you wanna work in project management for, I don't know, Boeing, they might not take a project management class taught by some random Accenture consultant online. Very seriously.

[00:36:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: They might these days. That might explain it to you.

Actually. That might be their whole business strategy. Uh, that might be what planted them. Might if you, that's why the doors keep flying off you. That's right. No, but in general, I take your point, like if you're gonna be designing aircraft, they might actually wanna know that you learn from a legit place.

For sure.

[00:36:26] Jordan Harbinger: In theory, yeah. Maybe they want a three month officially certified course from an Ivy or something, but that's, that's gonna be unique to specific industries, functions, companies. That would be a great question to ask people when you're doing your six minute networking, when you're getting to know people at the companies that you want to interview at, what they actually look for, what they take seriously if they have certain standards.

But in general, I'd go with the quality of your skills over names and prices any day. As for your age, being an obstacle to getting a high paying job. I honestly don't know. It might, it might not. I'm leaning toward not. My feeling is the quality of your talent stack, the way you prepare for your interviews, the strength of your relationships, all that, that's gonna play a much bigger role than your age.

And also your age could frankly be an asset. You've seen more than most people. You've done some truly amazing and important work. You've developed a set of habits and skills most people will never develop. So rather than looking at your age as some sort of liability, I'd look at it as an asset. But that's part of the story that you have to tell as well.

So I, look, I definitely would not tell employers that you're not gonna be there forever. I, I'm just gonna be here long enough to get a bag and buy some land in Wyoming, and then I'm out. That's gonna work against you a lot more than your age. I'm sure you know that already, that, Hey, I'm pumped for you, my friend.

You have a lot to offer. You're being super smart about how you approach the transition. You have clear and compelling goals. I have a feeling that you're gonna do very, very well. Good luck. You know, Gabe, it almost sounds to me like this is almost like it, it's kind of imposter syndrome. Me. Mm. Oh, I'm 41 and all I've done is had a full on military career in a highly specialized field in the best military in the world.

Right? You know, like, okay, that's not nothing. You weren't finding yourself in a monastery, and now you have to explain why you have no skills other than meditation, right? Or yoga. You've built this massive sta. But I think a lot of veterans probably deal with this. I'm going into the civilian world. It's totally different.

Everything's really complicated out there, and it's like, then you just find out we're all faking it and picking our noses for half the workday and checking our email. You know, it's like, eh, you might have more of an advantage, more of a life experience slash work experience than you think. You know what else you're gonna wanna stack the deals and discounts on the fine products and services that support this show.

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Now, back to feedback Friday. Okay, what's next?

[00:41:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and the Gabe. My brother is slightly autistic and developmentally challenged. He's 38, but functions more on the level of a teenager. He's also just shy of seven feet tall. Damn, and spends far too much time at the gym.

[00:41:35] Clip: Wow. Damn.

[00:41:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: That is quite a figure.

I have two sisters. Let's call them Anna and Bonnie, and he's been living with Bonnie's family for years. Bonnie coddles him and helps him stay in his comfort zone. My brother has recently started watching some YouTubers like Jordan Peterson, and has taken an interest in taking responsibility for his life and being a productive human.

He's gotten a job, cut his hair, and made great improvements,

[00:42:00] Jordan Harbinger: huh? Yeah. Okay, so sounds promising.

[00:42:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: As part of this shift, he confided in Anne that he had molested his niece multiple times just over the clothing, but with the purpose of getting her acclimated so he could do more without her being alarmed.

He's also admitted to engaging in voyeurism, both at Bonnie's house and others. Ooh boy.

[00:42:21] Jordan Harbinger: Ooh. Yikes. That is so disturbing.

[00:42:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: It is both that he did this and that he just came right out and admitted it to his sister.

[00:42:28] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. I appreciate that. He wants to take responsibility for his behavior. Sure. But what did he think was gonna be the response?

[00:42:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. But then again, I'm not sure he thinks the way we do. Right, right.

[00:42:40] Jordan Harbinger: So this must be part of his disability. He just doesn't understand how this comes across. Right. This is so sad. And just to be clear, the niece he abused, that's Bonnie's daughter, right? That he lives with?

[00:42:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's what I gather, because he's living with her family.

And I'm assuming this is a child, right?

[00:42:55] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So on the other hand, if he knows what he's doing is wrong and he wants to stop, and this is part of that process. This is gonna come out very weird, but in a way, in a strange way, I kind of admire him coming clean about that.

[00:43:08] Gabriel Mizrahi: I totally get what you mean it.

It's like he has his confused way of taking accountability and wanting to appear to his family as a mature, evolving, responsible person. Yeah. But what he's done is so terrible. It's very confusing. Right. So our friend here goes on, Anne told me not to say or do anything, that she would talk to Bonnie, but it's been a month and she's told Bonnie nothing.

[00:43:33] Jordan Harbinger: Uh, I do not like this.

[00:43:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: Then recently Bonnie came to our city to visit me and my wife. She wanted to leave my brother with us for the summer because she felt it would be good for him to be around me. My wife is a tiny Asian woman and works remotely, and if my brother were staying with us, they would be alone together a lot.

I don't think he would do anything inappropriate, but I couldn't invite him to stay in my home without informing my wife of the whole situation. She's a victim of familial sexual abuse, and needless to say, she was not at all comfortable with the idea.

[00:44:04] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that is understandable. I am so sorry to hear about your wife, by the way.

That is truly awful. But yeah, you, you cannot subject her to this.

[00:44:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: So I told Bonnie that we couldn't accommodate my brother and now she's furious. We've had several nasty rous and are not talking. Anne is also not talking to me and is also furious with me for sharing the secret with my wife. After promising to not tell anyone other family members know nothing of the details and insist that I'm being an a-hole and need to apologize, I'm at a loss here and just wanna write off my entire family and never acknowledge their existence ever again.

Am I the a-hole here signed, starting to sweat and be filled with regret because one sibling won't let the other one know. That my brother might be a threat.

[00:44:50] Jordan Harbinger: Whew, what a predicament. What a stressful place to be. I am so sorry that you're in this situation, man. This has gotta be awful on so many levels.

So no, you're absolutely not the a-hole. Here you are. Collateral damage in a really dark family secret. Your brother went to Anne and was like, I did these awful things to my sister, to my niece. And then Anne goes to you and tells you all this, but then she's like, don't say anything. I'll talk to Bonnie.

And then she just doesn't do it. But meanwhile, you now know this very important information, information that doesn't just impact Bonnie and her family. It also impacts you and your family. So when Bonnie's like, Hey, I wanna leave Dylan with you guys for the summer, of course you're like, uh, no thanks.

[00:45:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. And of course you discussed this with your wife, you have to, I don't think you can hide something like this from your spouse. No. Especially one who has the background that your wife does. Certainly not if you're bringing a potentially dangerous person into your home. No,

[00:45:41] Jordan Harbinger: no way. Even if he is intellectually disabled and doesn't know better, dude, seven feet tall spends four hours a day at a box gym.

Rough.

[00:45:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: Just imagine sharing a house with Christop poising us, except he's mentally and middle school. So sad.

[00:45:55] Jordan Harbinger: Right. And you're alone with him all day, by the way. I'm shocked. You know who Christos poisoning is is That's right. Uh, it's my sister.

[00:46:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: My sister's really into basketball, so I've picked up a few names along the way.

Got it. Yeah. Also he might TBD wanna watch you shower? No, dude.

[00:46:09] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. No way. I forgot about that part. 'cause the other, the first part was horrible. Sure.

[00:46:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah.

[00:46:13] Jordan Harbinger: That is so weird. It's a no-go. Especially given your wife's history. So look, it seems to me, from my standpoint, Anne put you in this situation inadvertently, she didn't mean for you to be caught in the middle.

By not going to Bonnie because she's being chicken

[00:46:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: rich, by the way. She has a very important responsibility to do.

[00:46:31] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, for sure. Ann knows their brother, sexually abused Bonnie's daughter. Mm-hmm. Her poor niece is extremely vulnerable. She's lucky it hasn't escalated. It easily could. I wanna believe the brother's trying to get better and won't do it again, but I'm afraid there's no guarantee of that and no one should be rolling the dice on this.

By not telling her she's endangering her niece and Bonnie, this is not okay.

[00:46:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: Plus she's now putting you in the awful position of keeping this secret from Bonnie too.

[00:46:58] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. So now you're gonna be the bad guy on two levels, right? It's only gonna get worse.

[00:47:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. You need to go to Anne and you need to tell her, Anne, it's time to tell Bonnie what happened and if you won't like today, then I will.

Yes. That is the only way that this situation resolves. You guys absolutely cannot keep this from your sister any longer. Maybe part of this conversation is helping Anne work through whatever resistance she has to telling Bonnie. I'm guessing it's just so uncomfortable to talk about. Probably devastating.

She's avoiding it. Which

[00:47:27] Jordan Harbinger: by the way, I can understand up to a point

[00:47:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: I can understand encountering the resistance, but there's a child at risk here. Yes. I mean, they should all understand that this is a very big deal and hey, maybe you and Anne go and tell Bonnie together. Maybe that makes it easier. Yes.

And when you do tell Bonnie, you can explain to her that this is why you couldn't take your brother in for the summer. And I'm assuming she's gonna go, oh, okay, well now I understand.

[00:47:50] Jordan Harbinger: Well, also she's gonna be like. You knew about this and didn't tell me, and that problem's gonna get worse as time goes on.

So I'm talking about today, man, yesterday.

[00:47:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: The problem of course is that Bonnie's also gonna probably say, well, we can't stay here anymore. And so, yeah, of course. The question now becomes, who in the world is gonna take their brother?

[00:48:07] Jordan Harbinger: I hope y'all got some bonvoy points. This is a real conundrum. This is a top shelf DOS cruise, mixed margarita of a hot mess.

Truly. Who is gonna take this guy after what he did? Whose job is that? I honestly don't know the answer.

[00:48:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's a tough one. They're gonna have to put their heads together and have some very honest conversations as a family about how best to care for their brother. And maybe part of that is talking to him maybe with the help of a therapist or a psychiatrist who understands his particular disabilities and maybe together they can suss out how much he understands right and wrong, whether he can control his impulses, whether they can trust him to not hurt his niece anymore.

Also, I'm not sure that it all falls on them to take care of their brother. There are resources out there. There's special needs housing, there's disability housing here in California, for example, we have something called the Department of Developmental Services. I'm sure there's an equivalent in your state.

These agencies offer resources for education, housing, employment opportunities. The Department of Mental Health in your city should do something similar. The NIH has a ton of resources. There are also agencies and nonprofits that are focused specifically on housing for autistic adults. I would also call Adult Protective Services and see if they can maybe help or at least point you in the right direction.

We're gonna link to a few of the resources we found in the show notes for you. I would definitely check those out. Basically, I think this whole crisis is an opportunity for all three of you and your parents, if they're still around, to rethink your brother's living situation. What I know for sure is that he cannot live with Bonnie anymore, at least not right now.

Not until you guys learn more about your brother and whether he's truly a safe person for everybody.

[00:49:45] Jordan Harbinger: Absolutely not. But look, that's Bonnie's call to make. My guess is she's gonna be horrified and devastated and extremely freaked out to learn this as a parent, my heart absolutely breaks for her. This is gonna be a horrible conversation.

Again, she needs to know one of you, both of you. You need to tell her today. Every kind of minute that you don't warn her that her daughter is in danger is criminally negligent, in my opinion.

[00:50:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: There's one more thing we have to touch on here, Jordan, before we wrap up, which is in his letter, he said something so interesting.

He said, I'm at a loss and I just wanna write off my entire family remember this and never acknowledge their existence again. And I get that. I mean, it's so again, so devastating, so uncomfortable. Who wants to have this conversation? But in a way, he's avoiding all of this too, and it makes me wonder if the way Anne is handling all of this with Bonnie might be akin to the way he is handling it.

Like is everybody kind of avoiding something in this family? We see this theme a lot on feedback Friday. Like there will be one part of a letter that kind of ricochets through the other parts of the story, and I kind of wonder if avoiding and tiptoeing and dodging difficult conversations is kind of the family way.

Mm. And so for our friend here, it might feel easier for him to just fantasize about, oh, I wish I didn't even have to talk to any of these people because this is just too difficult for me to deal with. But this is not a situation they can afford to avoid anymore. And as this poor girl's uncle, you know, he does have a responsibility to help protect her.

So he really can't run away from this. And I just wanna flag that might be a theme that he might wanna look out for himself.

[00:51:13] Jordan Harbinger: So step number one is talk to Anne today. Step number two is talk to Bonnie. Make sure it happens today. Even if you have to go around Anne, sorry, there's a child at stake.

Everything else is secondary. Step number three is coming up with a plan for your brother as a family. Uh, he absolutely cannot spend another night in the same house or even an additional hour alone with this niece. It's, that is not okay. That cannot happen. And I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Having a family member with an intellectual disability, especially one as severe and unique as your brothers, that can be a heavy burden. And despite what he's done, my heart breaks for him too because he clearly, I think, doesn't know any better. But again, maybe he does. Again, I'm, I'm so confused, and he's trying to do better in his own limited way, and it's just, it's devastating and I just hope it hasn't gotten worse in all the time that Anne has taken, sitting there with her thumb in her butt, not doing what she needs to do.

Poor guy's seven feet tall, can't control himself, and there's a child at stake. The whole thing is awful, but you guys are not alone here. We're sending you your sisters, your niece, the whole family, really a big hug. Okay, next up.

[00:52:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm 52 and come from a supportive upper middle class family.

I have a large friend group. I'm close with my siblings, and I've never had a problem finding or maintaining romantic relationships, but one thing in my life has been a constant weight. I'm bad at making money. I could reconcile my hardship if it were my fault, but from the start of my professional life, I've had a series of unfortunate circumstances happen beyond my control.

My first real job was as an assistant manager at a retail store where I was promoted to manager. The owner talked about opening a second store and putting me in charge with a huge pay raise. I was excited and saw a future in this position. Then a month later, the store burned down and the owner decided to collect the insurance and not reopen.

[00:52:59] Jordan Harbinger: Okay. Bummer. But interesting.

[00:53:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: I then went back to school and got the certs to work for a nonprofit. Again, I worked hard and moved from the bottom position, literally wiping people's butts to a directorship in five years. Oh, so literally the bottom position. Wow.

[00:53:14] Jordan Harbinger: Yep. Started from the bottom. Now we're here.

There's so many puns. I just don't have time for right now, but hey, that's so impressive. A literal rags to riches story, a, uh, a TP to top dog story.

[00:53:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: I did this by networking and taking every course in credential I could to become an expert in the field. I started doing presentations and trainings myself, and was well regarded throughout the country.

I loved my job and was there for nine years until it came out that the executive director and other executives were embezzling state funds. Oh man. This was a huge scandal in the community.

[00:53:49] Jordan Harbinger: Uh, what a mess.

[00:53:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: After our agency shut down every nonprofit job interview I went on, turned into an inquiry about my former boss.

It was clear that people wouldn't hire anyone in the vicinity of their crime.

[00:54:01] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that sucks. I, that's tough, man.

[00:54:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: So I started over and became a woodworker. After a few years of hardship and sacrifice, I built my company into a thriving business with six employees in a beautiful 2000 square foot workshop.

We were busy and had great momentum until the pandemic. Almost overnight, my sales and contracts went from $20,000 a month to $300 a month. Oof. My employees got enhanced unemployment and liked the pandemic. As an owner, I didn't qualify. I had to shut down and sell all my machinery just to survive.

[00:54:36] Jordan Harbinger: That is brutal, and I'm very sorry that happened, man.

God, the pandemic. I'm surprised it didn't, you didn't qualify for PPP loans and stuff, but that's neither here nor there.

[00:54:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: But I picked myself up again and started a mask company. I found a group of investors and raised enough money to import an N95 machine to the us. It was extremely hard, and I worked 10 hours a day, seven days a week during the panty D.

After six months of backbreaking work and scrambling to raise $500,000 to buy and import the machine, we began manufacturing. It was great. We supplied hospitals, government agencies, and even donated 10,000 respirators to the post office. We employed 14 people and sold great quality masks at a good price.

That whole time politicians and officials were telling us that they would support us to continue a US-based supply. But once China opened up again, our sails fell off of a cliff and we were left in the wind and I had to start over once again.

[00:55:33] Jordan Harbinger: Man, this is devastating, the things this guy has been through, man.

Uh, unbelievable. It's

[00:55:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: like a Forest Gump like journey around here.

[00:55:39] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. In reverse.

[00:55:40] Gabriel Mizrahi: I had to sell my house and use the profit to survive while I tried to get my wood shop back up, post covid, but the momentum was gone and I couldn't afford to hire the help I needed. So I took a job selling subscription food services.

I did this as a temporary job to get by, but I was very good at it and wound up making a lot of money. I was the top seller in the company by my third week and by the third month. I was training new people. This guy is amazing,

[00:56:07] Jordan Harbinger: dude. You're incredible. I know something terrible is about to happen, otherwise, we would not be here having this conversation.

But I, I just have to stop and say you might be one of the most resilient and resourceful people that we've heard from in a long time. So I'm excited to dig into this with you because you're clearly so talented. You have so much to offer. But carry on, Gabe. Sorry, I'm getting excited. Over here's cool.

Tell me about how this all comes falling

[00:56:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: down. Comes crashing down. But after a year at this job, the vice president got all the salespeople on a conference call and announced that they were bankrupt and everyone was being let go immediately. The worst part, I wouldn't be getting my remaining commissions, which totaled $15,000.

Ah, oh man. Brutal. Ouch. It's been three months since this happened and I am completely defeated. I feel like a black cloud has followed my career my entire life. I. I'm not depressed. I exercise, I see friends. I feel good, but I'm so lost about how to make money. Dude, the fact that you're not even a little depressed after everything you've been through that alone is remarkable.

[00:57:10] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I'm telling you, this guy is special. This is a masterclass and the power of healthy habits, strong relationships, playing, he's extraordinary. He just has, this is the shittiest luck.

[00:57:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Truly. I wish I had a fraction of this guy's resilience. If I went through all of this, I think I would be a mess. I think I would run, I would've run away to a monastery.

Yeah. Or something. I don't. I just give up on the world, you know? Throw myself off the back of the dues cruise. Okay. So he goes on. I was proud of all I achieved, but after this latest setback, I'm financially destitute and feel broken. I look around and see people easily affording houses, cars, groceries, but at this point, even the basics seem monumental worse.

I have a chronic disease that requires me to spend about $500 a month on medication. That's with insurance on top of a $350 monthly premium. I'm so broke. I had to steal medicine from a hospital last week.

[00:58:02] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my God. This just gets crazier and crazier. Talk about the deck being stacked against you. Well, uh, I'm so sorry you have this disease, man.

This is a lot. The fact that you now have to steal medicine to survive what that says about our system, well, we don't have time for that right now, but what, this is just getting messy. Oh,

[00:58:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: tell me about it. So this is so tragic. This is intense. I'm not afraid to work hard, but I don't know where to go next.

I'm desperate and so beaten down by constantly starting over. I don't have it in me to start over again. How can I change my bad luck and make money? Are some people just bad at making money no matter how hard they try? How can I change my luck? Thanks for all you do. I appreciate you both so much. Also, Gabe, I'm vegan and on your side when Jordan makes fun of you about it.

[00:58:46] Jordan Harbinger: Well, there's your problem right there.

[00:58:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dude. I already loved you sir, but that just made it official so you're not killing animals and the universe is still punishing you. Ugh, nothing makes sense. Yeah. Signed. Don't want anyone consoling me 'cause I'm refusing to say woe is me. But hoping you can get to show in me why I just might unknowingly be causing money to stop flowing to me.

[00:59:07] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. What an odyssey this guy has been on and that we just went on with that sign off. This dude's been, he's been on the dude's cruise for years. This guy, this guy's the, he's the captain of the ship. Yeah.

[00:59:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: Could probably navigate by the stars at this point. Geez,

[00:59:20] Jordan Harbinger: what a legend, man. So, okay. As you can tell, we are extremely moved by your story, and since we only have a few minutes here, I'm gonna be very direct with you.

You are a remarkable person. You're talented, you're driven, you're a creative, you're scrappy, you're courageous. Man, I could go on for a while. I think you're resourceful. Clearly. You're tenacious.

[00:59:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yep. And like so many people are right in. You are also very humble. I love that. And you're curious, which is great.

[00:59:45] Jordan Harbinger: That's actually one of my favorite things about him. He doesn't think he's above anything. He's wiping butts, he's doing woodwork and stuff. He's learn. He's clearly always willing to learn. Even now at his lowest point. Years later, even after experiencing some success as an entrepreneur, he slung what? A Blue Apron subscriptions or whatever to get by.

And wherever he goes, he sails right to the top. He has a very real track record of picking himself back up, throwing himself into whatever he does, succeeding at it in a very real way. I mean, it's kind of funny 'cause he's saying he's bad at making money, but he's not. He's great at making money. He's

[01:00:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: not.

No. He is really good at it. Yeah,

[01:00:19] Jordan Harbinger: no. If he's bad at anything, it's sustaining that success. Or maybe the picking companies and sectors that are stable

[01:00:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: or knowing when to cut his losses and move on before he gets burned too badly. Yes.

[01:00:29] Jordan Harbinger: Right. But those are different problems. Mm-Hmm. And they're not even problems, they're just like skills or capacities he needs to develop or just decisions that he needs to learn how to navigate better.

And I'm not gonna let him off the hook for that. I know he is asking us, you know, what's fundamentally wrong with me? But I don't know if there is anything fundamentally wrong with you. I just think you've been put through the ringer and it might be forcing you to grow. All that said, though, I still don't discount the role of luck in all this.

I mean, this guy has objectively had some awful breaks his whole career and that's, you know, that's not his fault.

[01:00:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, it's not. And neither is it his fault probably that he has this strange chronic disease. But, you know, I actually see this story a little bit differently. I am not so sure that this is just bad luck that he's here.

[01:01:11] Jordan Harbinger: You think he might have caused it in some way or, well, the picker's gone bad.

[01:01:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: We'll get to that. But a lot of the, so-called bad luck that he's had is partly a function of how capable and ambitious he is. Mm-Hmm. I mean, if he hadn't climbed up to being the director of that nonprofit. He might not have been tainted by that scandal if he were just the guy wiping people's butts forever, and he went on interviews after that.

No hiring manager is gonna go like, oh, did you have anything to do with the embezzlement? It's like he's so far away from that. Same thing with the woodworking business. If he weren't the owner of that company as opposed to just an employee, he wouldn't have been nearly as devastated as he was. Again, same thing with the mask business.

He saw an opportunity, he jumped on it, he raised big money. He started manufacturing this product during a very interesting, unique moment in history. And then he got burned when the rules changed on him. But that only happened because he had the creativity and the courage to go start a business in that space.

Again, I have to say same thing with the food subscription commissions that, yeah, they stiffed him out of 15 grand, which sucks, and he couldn't control the fate of that company, but that only happened because he was such a good salesman that he earned those commissions. So yes, he's objectively had bad luck on numerous occasions.

He's also exposed himself to the possibility of that bad luck way more than the average person, because he is not the sort of guy who plays it small or waits in the wings and doesn't take risks, doesn't hustle. He's a guy who puts his time and his money and his reputation on the line, which means that his likelihood of success is much higher.

But so is his likelihood of failure and when he does fail because of circumstances that are partly out of his control. He has more to lose,

[01:02:50] Jordan Harbinger: you know? That is a good point. So the more accurate story might be, there must be something right with me. And if I keep putting myself in situations where I stand to succeed and fail, I'm just courting risk and loss more than the typical person.

[01:03:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's exactly right.

[01:03:03] Jordan Harbinger: I think I agree here, and that's something he needs to make room for because this narrative that he's not good at business, it's kinda the most tempting narrative to buy into, right? And even his willingness to believe that narrative in a way that also speaks to one of his virtues.

He's not totally letting himself off the hook, pointing the finger at everyone else. He's going, why does this keep happening to me? How can I change it? Which again, don't mean to guess you up here, my dude, but this is part of that great mindset that you have. But look, all that said. I do think it's important to consider what role you are playing in all this, because even if you're the victim of objectively crappy circumstances that are truly outside your control, you're still responsible for putting yourself in these positions and you're still responsible for how you respond to them.

Now, I don't know your life and career as well as you do, so you're gonna have to connect the dots here yourself. But I would be curious to know, just to give you an example, whether you had any indications whatsoever that something was off in that nonprofit with the scandal. Did you ignore any red flags?

Were you too focused on your role to notice that something was off? Did you stick around longer than you should have?

[01:04:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally. Yeah. That's a great question. And then when he interviewed for jobs after that, you know, what kind of story did he tell about his time there? Did he succeed in selling the idea that he truly had no idea about the scandal, where there may be other things in those interviews that could have gone better and he walked away thinking, oh, it's because I'm tainted.

They think I had something to do with it. But actually he just had a little bit more work to do as a candidate. Obviously, I don't know for sure, but that would be another aspect of his career that he could potentially control

[01:04:32] Jordan Harbinger: or the mask business. Were you a little naive in believing that the government would stick with domestic suppliers forever?

Right. Did you do your homework on how much people rely on China to manufacture cheap crap so you couldn't see the writing on the wall or with the food subscription company, should you have push for your commissions to be paid out sooner? Maybe you use your leverage as a top salesperson to get better terms.

Could you have seen that it was a sinking ship sooner and gotten out? I ask these questions, not to blame you for all these things that happened. It is pretty clear you got some really tough breaks. We always have some kind of agency, even in situations where so much is outside of our control, and part of this process of accountability is just doing the forensics on that.

And if you didn't know that you were playing some kind of role in these setbacks, that's okay too. This is how we learn by failing. And then looking back and going, oh man, I should have paid more attention when those numbers didn't add up. Or Damn, I should have jumped to another company and collected my commissions when I saw a bunch of executives quit, or whatever it is.

This is how we learn, man.

[01:05:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. And you've learned more than most people ever will because you've put yourself in situations to fail more than most people ever do. So yes, you can change your bad luck, you can make money, and you do it by applying all of these lessons you've learned to the next thing you do.

Whatever that is. And I'm sure that you've got something cooking, or you will soon, even if you feel totally tapped out right now, because I mean obviously that's just the kind of guy you are. You also do it by chasing situations that have a higher probability of taking care of you the way you need.

Whether that's looking for more stable employment or choosing stronger companies, or starting a business in an industry that's more solid and maybe requires less investment. You get the idea to answer your other question, are some people just bad at making money no matter how hard they try? Yeah, probably.

But I really don't think you're one of them. I think you're a guy who has tried a number of things and you found some success and you found some failure, and you haven't yet found the calling and also the way of managing that calling that's given you sustainable success yet. So here's what I want you to take away from this episode.

You are not fundamentally broken or defective. You've chased opportunities that haven't ultimately worked out and maybe possibly kind of in some ways unconsciously participated in them. And I know that you feel hopeless right now. I would too. And part of me is going, look, it's okay for you to be lost right now, dude.

It's okay for you to be confused. This is your dark night of the soul. We all have to go through those. They're part of our emotional spiritual development. They're key. They're absolutely horrible, but they're key. But if you can keep learning while you wander through this wilderness, if you can keep meeting people and investing in them, if you keep that entrepreneurial eye out for opportunities, which again, I know you're doing, and if you keep looking for ways to be useful to everybody, you meet along the way, I know in my heart that you are gonna find something really interesting.

It might be a great temp job that just gets you through this rough patch. It might be a salaried position that allows you to rebuild, might be a piece of information that gives you an idea for another business you wanna start. I don't know exactly what it will look like. What I do know is that these basic habits, this general lens that you have on the world.

When they're combined with your talent and your hustle, they always work, always.

[01:07:40] Jordan Harbinger: And when you start to see some new energy flow into your life, I think this part of you is gonna start to wake up again and you won't feel quite as demoralized. I know this kind of from personal experience, you might still be afraid, you might still have a little PTSD.

That's all fair. And my advice there is don't suppress those feelings. Just let 'em be. Use them to navigate your next opportunity in a way that maybe you didn't do in the past, and maybe that's how you avoid failing next time. That is how you're gonna change your look. Now I know you don't have a ton of money.

You have a disease, which is a real thing. I'm very sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything. My advice there is please look into every resource available to you, subsidized insurance, competitive pharmacies, assistance from friends and families. Start a GoFundMe if you need to sell your car and ride a bike for six months, sell your car and get a second inch win.

That's your exercise right there. Anything, anything to avoid having to steal medicine from a hospital, because the last thing you need right now is to get arrested and have a criminal record. It, it really just breaks my heart that you're at this point, but you gotta find a way to take care of yourself legally.

But, and on that note, if anybody listening right now could use a killer employee, like our friend here knows somebody who's hiring, looking for a great salesperson, maybe you've been through something similar and you're down to chat with our boy here and offer some thoughts, please reach out to us friday@jordanharbinger.com.

We will gladly connect you our, it seems like he, the guy needs a win. He deserves a win. It would be a joy to help make that happen. Stay strong, man. I know things are dark. They will not be dark forever. Take it from me. You're doing so many things right? You are exercising, you're maintaining your relationships, you're taking care of your mental health.

You feel good. It's inspiring, man. On that foundation, you can build everything. We're sending you a huge hug, my man. You have all of our confidence. Hang in there and good luck. Hope y'all enjoyed that. I wanna thank everybody who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Jamie Metzel and Our Skeptical Sunday on Big Dairy.

If you haven't done that yet, the best things that have happened in my life in business have come through my network. We've talked about it here earlier on the show. We're teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six minute networking course. It's free, it's not schmoozy. It's on the Thinkific platform@sixminutenetworking.com.

These drills take a few minutes a day, dig that well before you get thirsty. Build those relationships before you need 'em. This is a safety net that many of us, as you can tell by the show today, could really use. Again, it's all free@sixminutenetworking.com. If you don't know, there's a subreddit for the show.

A lot of conversations with other listeners and me and Gabriel about specific episodes. If you're on Reddit, check it out. It's over at the Jordan Harbinger subreddit, and if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter wee bit wiser. It's basically a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered right to your inbox once a week.

So if you wanna keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. Jordan harbinger.com/news. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show at Jordan harbinger.com/deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram.

We're also on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogger, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer.

Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we've rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time.

You are about to hear a preview of one of my favorite stories from an earlier episode of the show. My friend Steve Elkins, found a lost city in the jungle that most people never even knew existed. I'm not even kidding. It sounds insane. This has to be one of the most incredible stories I've ever recorded on the show.

I know you're gonna love this one.

[01:11:25] Clip: The legend of Cida Blanca or White City in English goes back. Probably 500 years to the best of my knowledge, people have believed that there is this civilization out there and the local indigenous people have their own legends. It has about five different names of which I can't pronounce about this.

Culture, this civilization that lived out in the jungle at one time. One of the other monikers for the city in current times is lost city, the monkey. God, maybe there's some truth to this legend. I kind of felt there was something to it. The Ede Jungle where it's located in the eastern third of Honduras is one of the toughest jungles in the world, and by accidents of geography in history.

It's remained pretty much unexplored until recently. I have a map made by the British in the 1850s, and on that map it says Portal de and au over that part of the jungle, and it was called the Gates of Hell because the terrain was so tough, a lot of people have gone looking for it. Some went in and some never came back.

A director friend of mine introduced me to a guy named Captain Steve Morgan, and he was a lifelong adventurer, explorer, treasure hunter, raconteur, nice guy. Really pretty smart. And I said, let's go. And in 1994, we headed out to Honduras for an unknown adventure, looking for the lost city

[01:12:49] Jordan Harbinger: for more with Steve Elkins, including the details on how they discovered the city and made one of the most important archeological discoveries of the century.

Check out episode 299 of the Jordan Harbinger Show.