You have a manipulative half-sister who disrespects your father by referring to him as “bio-dad” and ghosts him when it suits her, but never hesitates to contact him when she needs money. Your attempts to salvage a relationship with her always go unanswered, yet your father believes she should still be invited to your wedding next year. Should you cut her out of your life for good, or try to make nice with her again for your dad’s sake? We’ll tackle this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Should you delay career training or investing in yourself because it will take “too long?”
- Should you cut the half-sister who manipulates your family out of your life, or should you keep trying to build a relationship with her for your father’s sake?
- To an outside observer, you appear to have a perfect life. But here’s the secret you haven’t told anyone: you’re a high-functioning alcoholic. How do you even start dealing with this?
- Marrying a successful businessperson will allow you to retire from a job you don’t really want and pursue your own interests. But you’ve spent your whole life working multiple jobs to get by and you’re frozen by the overwhelming possibilities ahead of you. How can you be sure you’re spending all of this “free” time wisely and with purpose?
- You’re invited to be in a groomsman party with a contractor who stiffed you on a job. How can you conceal or eliminate your resentment so everyone can have a good time, and how do you deal with this person at the bachelor party and wedding?
- You learn best by being hands-on and watching others, but your new job is 100 percent remote until the pandemic is better contained. How can you learn, improve, and stay focused in this role when you’re working from home?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.
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Miss our interview with Austin Meyer, the man who leads a valiant crusade against patent troll dirtbags? Catch up with episode 326: Austin Meyer | Slaying the Patent Scam Trolls here!
Resources from This Episode:
- Bobby Hall (aka Logic) | This Bright Future | Jordan Harbinger
- A.J. Jacobs | It’s All Relative | Jordan Harbinger
- The Best Way to Ask for a Promotion — And Make Sure You Land It | Jordan Harbinger
- What Is a Functional Alcoholic? | Verywell Mind
- SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) | Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
- Struggling to Find Your Purpose? Do This Instead. | Jordan Harbinger
- Forget Finding Your Purpose — Do This Instead | Deep Dive | Jordan Harbinger
- How to Keep Going When Your Purpose Makes You Miserable | Jordan Harbinger
- What to Do When Your Purpose Starts to Suck | Deep Dive | Jordan Harbinger
- Simon Sinek | What’s Your “Why” and Where Do You Find It? | Jordan Harbinger
- How to Stop Feeling Like An Imposter | Jordan Harbinger
- How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome | Deep Dive | Jordan Harbinger
565: My Manipulative Sister: How Can We Resist Her? | Feedback Friday
[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. Today, as always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my deputy in empathy. Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and we turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave. And our mission on the show is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.
[00:00:36] Now, if you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you. We answer listener questions. The rest of the week, you can look forward to long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week, we had Bobby Hall aka Logic. He had a crazy rough upbringing and became one of the most popular and recognizable artists in the world. This is a funny episode, but it's also kind of dark. I really enjoyed doing it. He really enjoyed doing it. We really clicked. I think this is a great conversation. I highly recommend. We also had one from the vault, A.J. Jacobs. He is such a funny quirky guy. If you like quirky folks who do great research, you're going to love the A.J. Jacobs episode. He's been on the show before. This one is about how we are all related and also his weird ass experiment, where he tried to live according to the Old Testament for a year. And that just worked out exactly how you imagined it would. He didn't quit though. Probably was a little bit smelly and had wild facial hair. So have a listen to what we created for you here this week.
[00:01:35] I also write every so often on the blog. My latest post: The Best Way to Ask for a Promotion and Make Sure That You Land It. This one is based on all the questions we get here on the show about how to rise up in your company, how to position yourself for a bulletproof promotion, what to do when you don't get the promotion you wanted, and how to use that feedback to position yourself even more strongly for next time. A lot of practical gems in this one. Plus a detailed case study based on a real listener's experience, putting in the work to rise up in her organization. I highly recommend checking this one out if you want to get ahead in your career, if you're struggling to get ahead in your career, or you just want to level up in your career in general. You'll find that article and all of our articles at jordanharbinger.com/articles.
[00:02:17] Speaking of promotions, a lot of people delay their career training or investing in themselves because they think it will take too long. Do not do this. If the only reason you're not pursuing a dream or a goal is because of the length of time it will take to achieve it, you should start right now. You've got to think long-term. Don't think that you shouldn't start because something will take too long.
[00:02:38] That is the wrong attitude to have. It's not covered directly in the article, but it is sort of something that, that article reminds me of a lot of people, they come in with the objection that something is going to take too long. The best thing you can do when something is going to take too long is start yesterday. Right? And on that note, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
[00:02:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe, I have a half sister who's 10 years older than I am, and she's been checking in and out of my life for as long as I could remember, mainly because she's always resented my mother, my younger sister, and me. My dad attempts to have a relationship with her, but she manipulates him into sending her money and he does so realizing that it's sometimes the only way he can communicate with her without her ghosting him for months on end. She undermines their relationship by referring to him as bio dad and purposefully chooses words that don't highlight their father-daughter relationship on social media. She also acts out regularly in an attention seeking manner. And my mom has told me stories of her being verbally and physically cruel to my sister and me when we were younger. It's important to note that she might get this from her mom, my dad's ex-wife, who isn't the most stable individual. She's tried to make my parents' life a living hell, going so far as to press kidnapping charges on them when they took my half sister on vacation to Florida. Eventually, she moved away and took my half sister with her. And the visits stopped entirely for several years. Fast forward to last year when she reached out in an attempt to explain her side of things. When I replied that I would be open to hearing them, she ghosted me. After a chance meeting with her a few weeks ago, she said she was looking to re-explain what went wrong during those years she was absent. However, I haven't heard back from her since then. I'm getting married next year. And as much as my father wants her to be there, she has made no effort to repair a relationship with me. She has shown over and over again how manipulative she is. And I just don't know what to do with this situation anymore. Do I cut her out for good and let that be it, or do I try again for the sake of my dad? Signed, Fully Dealing With My Half Sister.
[00:04:33] Jordan Harbinger: Ah, yes, the old "do I invite the annoying mean distant relative to the wedding" conundrum. Well, we've been getting a lot of these lately, Gabe. I feel like—
[00:04:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah we sure have.
[00:04:42] Jordan Harbinger: Maybe because people are having weddings again, or maybe because the pandemic has just made everyone reconsider who they actually want in their lives at this point. I think that might be part of it where you're just like, "You know what? Life's too short to be dealing with this BS. Either way, plenty of family drama to go around in this scenario. So here's the thing about your half-sister. She sounds like a troubled gal. You don't push your dad away and then hit him up for money, and then ghost him, and then start fights at Christmas so everyone pays attention to you, and then physically and verbally hurt your family members if you don't have some sort of trauma going on, right?
[00:05:14] It makes sense that her mom was a piece of work. It sounds like that woman did a real number on her. Fighting for control over her while using her as a legal pawn and an emotional pawn, frankly, against your parents. That's just — it's sad. It really is super sad. Now, she's popping up and then pulling away, reaching out then ghosting you, who knows what's actually going on here? But at a minimum here, it sounds like pretty unstable and inconsistent behavior. She probably has trouble maintaining relationships with people, especially with you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if your half-sister were a little or a lot envious of you and your sister, since you guys got the dad she needed. And she got the bat sh*t crazy mom that you didn't.
[00:05:54] So on some level, Gabe, I feel compassion for the half sister here. She got a raw deal. You know, she just grew up with somebody who sounds kind of crappy.
[00:06:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Definitely.
[00:06:03] Jordan Harbinger: And then had like kind of this mirror image of what she really should have had existing far away. Everything she does that hurts you, this doesn't excuse the behavior whatsoever, but it might be helpful to remember that her behavior, it's just a reflection of her own pain and her own dysfunction. It always is, right? So do you invite her to the wedding? It's completely up to you, of course. This is your day. You get to decide who gets to be there. Based on what you've shared, your half sister has done very little, if anything, to earn your friendship, let alone your family connection here. In fact, she's done a lot to weaken it, but I know it's tricky with weddings. The guest list really should be you and your partner's decision, but we all know how parents have a way of pushing for a bunch of other people and there's a little political stuff going on. And sometimes you just have to be flexible about that.
[00:06:51] I mean, no shade. This is just how it worked out. I didn't feel any pressure — but my mother-in-law, it was kind of funny. She invited her facialist and the hairdresser. I didn't even invite my college roommates because I was like, "I'm not going to have people fly in to talk to me for like 10 minutes. Come on," you know? But there's all these people here who are like, I'm like, "Hi. Are you, you know, family from Taiwan?" It's like, "No. I do your wife's mom's nails."
[00:07:11] Gabriel Mizrahi: Just seeing her pores.
[00:07:13] Jordan Harbinger: Like up close to the magnifying glass. Okay, have some more crab rangoon over here. Yeah.
[00:07:19] So see, you're not just dealing with your own ambivalence here. You're caught between your dad and your half sister as well, but what's tricky about this situation is that your dad, he seems to have a soft spot for your half sister/your half sister has a special hold over your dad, probably a little bit of both. The fact that he's pushing for her to be included despite the way she's treated you her whole life, it tells me that your dad has his own complicated pattern with her. I'm sure he probably wants her there because he wants to be kind. He wants to keep the family together as much as possible. He doesn't want to hurt her or pour fuel on the fire. Fair enough. I think there's some guilt there, personally. But he also might want her there because he's afraid of her. He's overly loyal to her. He's overlooking a ton of really hurtful and crazy stuff. Not entirely fair to you.
[00:08:04] And Gabriel, candidly, I'm trying to put myself in the dad's situation. Let's say I have a kid with a crazy person. We don't really know about the mom, but she sounds kind of crazy. And I just said, God, I can't even deal with this person. She's making my life a living hell. I met this other wonderful woman. We're going to get married. She's going to fight me for custody or she did and she won. You might have lifelong guilt. Like I can't rescue you from this psycho and she's going to use you and emotionally damage you trying to get to me and that's unfair, but I literally am like legally powerless to do anything about this. So you'd feel terrible because now you see that she's screwed up and she's maladjusted. And you're like, I did this in part through neglect or by not trying hard enough or by not having enough money to fight her in court. Who knows? Right?
[00:08:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's a very fair point. He is in such a tough spot.
[00:08:49] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I get it. So you're not just dealing with your own ambivalence here. You're caught between your dad and your half sister as well. So here's an idea. What have you sent your half sister a text or an email being like, "Hey, sis, I know we've talked a few times about discussing what happened all those years ago. I'm not sure how you're feeling these days, but I just want to say that I'm open to having that conversation. It would mean a lot to me to be able to resolve whatever's between us and to try to have a better relationship. If you don't want to, or you can't commit to a time to talk, that's totally fine. I respect your choice. But I think we should. And I'm ready to meet up and talk when you are." Now, the ball's in her court at this point. If she accepts your invitation and you guys have a good conversation, you put a lot of your drama to bed, repair the relationship a little bit, then it might be really nice to turn over a new leaf and invite her to the wedding. But if you meet up with her and she's combative or avoidant, or just straight up crazy, which is totally, then maybe you don't. And if she declines to meet up or she agrees and then cancels and then ghosts you again, you just know at this point you've made every possible attempt with her. She's not interested in being a good sibling, not right now anyway. And then you just have all the data you need to decide whether your half sister fits into your life at all.
[00:09:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I agree, Jordan. I definitely think it's worth making one last formal effort before you disengage completely. And maybe that means cutting her out for good if there's really no way forward for you guys, or maybe you kind of soft cut her out, you know, by not including her in the wedding. See how she responds. Go from there. You don't necessarily need to tell her that you're cutting her off completely forever, just to protect yourself from the toxicity. Sometimes cutting someone off, it's just a mental shift. It's like, look, this person, she belongs in the do-not-engage, "do not spend emotional energy on this person" category. You know, it doesn't have to be a whole event. It doesn't have to be super formal. And then if she proves herself to be a different person later on, you could reassess. And then you can go to your dad and say, "Look, dad, I know you wanted Lori at the wedding. It makes me sad that we're not on good terms too, but I've worked really hard to reconnect with her several times. I just tried with her again. She's not engaging with me and after the way she's treated me and you and my sister, I just don't feel comfortable having her at the wedding. I'm sorry if that disappoints you. And I have to do what feels right for me." and if he pushes back on that, then maybe you can help your dad see what it's like being on the receiving end of your sister, your half sister's crazy, and also how hard it is for you to watch him be manipulated and marginalized by her.
[00:11:07] I get the sense that your dad has gotten so used to this treatment. He doesn't even realize how cruel it actually is. I mean, who knows, maybe that'll empower him to finally stand up to her. Maybe this will be the wake up call she needs to start working on herself. And that could be the thing that eventually brings you guys back together in a few years. Because sending this woman money and including her and family events, when she continues to act this way, I mean, isn't that just validating the dysfunction? That's just encouraging her to continue being a rude, inconsistent, toxic mess, because nobody stopped and said, "Hey, this isn't cool. Time to hit reset button, or we just really can't have a relationship anymore."
[00:11:41] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, you Nailed it, man. I mean, dad's enabling half sister in his own way. And if she can help him see that, maybe they can both stand up to this woman and force her to realize that she's been a top shelf a-hole who doesn't deserve to come to the wedding, regardless of why. Right? It's really easy to feel sorry for people and excuse their behavior. Like, "Oh, she grew up with a crazy mom," but it's like, "Okay, now, she doesn't get to like come in and ruin our lives."
[00:12:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:12:04] Jordan Harbinger: If dad won't do that or can't do that, you still and should make this choice for yourself. So that's how I'd approach it. Give her one more earnest shot, really make yourself available to working things out. But if your sister perpetuates the same bullsh*t, then I think you've been more than fair at this point. It's not her fault she grew up the way that she did. She's not a teenager, but it is her responsibility to rewrite this stuff as an adult, she has to take ownership of that. Just like you need to take ownership of whom you actually want at your wedding and in your life.
[00:12:35] Congrats on getting married. I wish you and your husband the best. Enjoy your special day and best of luck.
[00:12:40] You can reach us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please keep your emails concise. Use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a whole lot easier. If you can include the state and country that you live in, that'll help us give you more detailed advice if needed. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff, life, love, work. What to do if your sister runs off with a convicted rapist? Once again, still wrapping my head around that one from last week, Gabe. Hit us up email@example.com. We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous.
[00:13:10] All right. What's next?
[00:13:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a manager at a major defense contractor. I just got married. I own a house. I love to garden. And I have two great dogs. On the outside, I'm living the American dream, but the truth is I'm an alcoholic and I haven't told anyone. My days revolve around how and what I'm going to drink when I get home. I want to be able to meet up with my friends and have a drink in moderation, but this often makes me want to go home and suck down a bottle of tequila. Sometimes I feel I'm functional and still want beers with the boys. But my self-control once I start drinking, makes me act, feel, and think questionably. How do I deal with this? What should I do? Signed, The Inconstant Gardener.
[00:13:52] Jordan Harbinger: Well, bud, I'm really glad you wrote into us. You're in a pretty dicey place. You've been super vulnerable and honest with us. So I'm going to do the same thing for you here. You're a high functioning alcoholic and you need help full stop. I'm not a doctor, I'm not an addiction specialist. This is just what it sounds like, but let's be real. It's almost certainly that. So a lot of people have been in your shoes. They've gotten help. They've come out the other side to a much, much better life. And I know that you can do that too. I think, you know, that you have to do that because if you continue down this path, things could get ugly. I've seen it happen with my friends, in my family. Gabe, I assume you've seen this too. I know you have. We sort of touched on this one.
[00:14:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: For sure, yeah.
[00:14:29] Jordan Harbinger: So we know how hard it is, you know, from that perspective. But honestly, you're at a point now where this is essential. So first things first, you've already admitted to yourself and to us that you have a problem. That's huge. I commend you for your honesty, your self-awareness. That's where the process begins. A lot of people never even get that far. They're in jail or hospital before they do. If you're going to work on this, you're going to need support. There's no shame in that game at all. And probably the best source of support you have right now is your wife. So my advice is to talk to her about this as soon as possible. I would tell her what you've been struggling with, why you haven't wanted to tell her, why you want to get better, maybe while you don't want to get better, right? Because there's that too in there somewhere, what you need right now, all of it. Open up. You can't keep something like this from your spouse. Although honestly, my bet is she already knows. I don't know how somebody can't know unless she's working crazy hours and doesn't smell you when she gets home. I mean, she knows, come on. And unburdening yourself to her. That'll probably be a huge relief, very cathartic. It will bring you guys closer, then she can help you navigate your next steps instead of walking on eggshells around you, which is probably what she's doing right now.
[00:15:38] So what are the next steps? Well, first of all, you're going to want to figure out your treatment plan, depending on the nature of your addiction. You might want to check out a residential treatment center, which by the way, that might be covered by your company's insurance, or you might want to go into an intensive outpatient program, which you can often schedule around work. Or you might just decide to stop drinking on your own, which can be hard for some people, but which many people do successfully with the right support. So do your homework. See what's out there. See what works for you.
[00:16:07] Second, I'd start going to therapy immediately if you're not there already. Addiction, this has very deep roots. Your job right now, besides quitting, is to figure out what draws you to alcohol in the first place. The whole, "Substances aren't the problem. They're your solution to the problem," if you've heard that. It's a hundred percent true, right? "Substances aren't the problem. They're your solution to the problem." I'd find a therapist who understands substance abuse issues specifically, and can help you explore all the old childhood stuff that ultimately led you here. There's got to be something in the closet, some skeletons. And go into therapy, that's going to be huge for your marriage, your career, your life in general. It's not negotiable, in my opinion. You're not negotiating with me. You're negotiating with your addiction, right? So I would say, just go ahead and get in therapy because you're going to need it at some point. So start now. So that there's a trusted relationship between you and your therapist if you need it later on down the .
[00:16:58] Third, find the support system that you need. AA, so alcoholics anonymous, a sponsor, a sober friend group, support groups for related issues, whatever it is, find these people and these programs and work them. I've got a bunch of friends in recovery. They all swear by their support network. And finally, I would start creating new habits and rituals. It'll probably be a big shift not to hit the bar with the boys after work or unwind at home with a bottle of. You might find yourself with a ton of free time and nothing to do, but think about sucking down a bottle of Cuervo. So I would double down on the hobbies that you already have.
[00:17:31] I love that you garden, by the way. Gardening is super therapeutic. In fact, gardening is a common activity at a lot of rehab centers for that reason. Maybe even pick up some new ones. Your wife can also play a role here. Maybe you guys start working out together in the evenings or take hikes on the weekends or cook together at home instead of going out to a restaurant where you might be tempted to order a drink. You got to get busy and you got to get busy doing things that don't just distract you, but actually aid in your recovery.
[00:17:57] So here's the great news, man. You have a huge advantage in your recovery. You have an amazing job with probably some great benefits and a good reason to stay clean and sharp. You have a partner who can support you. You own your own house. You sound like a pretty thoughtful grounded person, especially with the gardening — get it, anyone? Gardening. All right. So you have two dogs and dogs are awesome, but they also force you to get outside and stay active. And they actually aid in substance abuse recovery in some ways. There's been some studies on that. Your life is pretty amazing, man. You're surrounded by a lot of incredible gifts. So my hope for you is that you use all those gifts to get sober and start the next chapter of your life. You don't even need to build a radically different one. Getting sober will just allow you to be present in the remarkable one you already have.
[00:18:42] And I know that this is tough. I know it's intimidating. I know it comes with a lot of fear and shame and physical symptoms and all of that but there's a whole world of resources and relationships out there waiting for you. And I know you're going to find a ton of growth on the other side of this addiction. So start talking, start making some moves. We're rooting for you, man. Good luck.
[00:19:03] By the way, if you're joining us for the first time on the show, or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the podcast, we've got episode starter packs, collections of your favorite episodes, organized by popular topic. That'll help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com/start to get started.
[00:19:21] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.
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[00:21:09] Jordan Harbinger: Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and/or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show.
[00:21:23] And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show.
[00:21:28] All right. Next up.
[00:21:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe. I'm in my mid 20s. I'm getting married next year to the love of my life and he's truly an amazing life partner. He's chosen to take over his family's business, which is quite successful. It's going so well in fact that my fiance has a goal of retiring me from my current job in the next five years and even helping my parents pay off their mortgage. While I'm extremely grateful to be in this position, I also feel very lost. I work as a nurse in a hospital setting, which I like, because it helps me get back to my community but it's not my passion. In fact, it's very physically and emotionally demanding, especially with the pandemic, which recently sent me into anxiety and depression. I also feel very confused. My parents and I immigrated to the US when I was a young child. They work two to three jobs to get by. And even when I was going to college, both my parents worked overtime to pay for my education and make sure I graduated debt-free. Starting in high school, I also worked two to three jobs at a time to help with tuition. Now, I'm trying to figure out what my life could look like. For now, I'm focusing on spending time with loved ones, improving my relationships, cooking, and improving my physical health. I need to find something I enjoy that also gives me purpose, but I have no idea how to go about finding it. I know I don't want to just kick back and relax because I'll end up feeling guilty and empty, but I'm feeling frozen by the overwhelming amount of possibilities out there. Is there a job out there I might actually enjoy? Or is it really okay for me to just focus on bettering myself, finding a few passions, and becoming a stay-at-home mom in the near future? What does it mean to live a good and fulfilling life? Signed, Paralyzed By My Freedom.
[00:23:01] Jordan Harbinger: Well, you're asking all the right questions, especially this question of what does it mean to live a good and fulfilling life, and what does it mean to live a fulfilling life for you. Only, you can really answer that, of course. And some people find purpose primarily in their work, kind of probably like me, other people in their hobbies, other people in their relationships, their families. That's supposed to be the right answer, their religion, their volunteer work, whatever it is. It sounds like for the first time in your life you have the freedom to really explore that question. And that's both exciting and daunting, which makes total sense to me. Deciding what you want your life to look like, what you want it to be about, that's a huge question and you won't answer it overnight. It's a process and that process, it never really ends.
[00:23:43] So look, we've talked a lot on the show about how to find your purpose. I won't get into all that again here, but I will link to an article and a deep dive episode that we did on this exact topic. And I think those will be really useful for you right now. But it boils down to, your job right now is to explore different questions and goals and ideas and start noticing which ones really connect with you. What makes you excited? What gets you inspired? What gives you joy, connection, significance, you know, Marie Kondo type stuff? What would you do even if you weren't getting paid to do it? Which jobs or roles or projects leave you feeling more energized at the end of the day. That's usually a good sign that you're moving towards something meaningful.
[00:24:21] That could be volunteering at an animal hospital. It could be helping a friend launch her business. It could be going back to school and teaching. It could be having children and becoming an amazing parent. All of those are legitimate sources of meaning and of course what we call purpose. That can be more than one thing. In fact, it usually is. So I hear you that it's daunting. I get it, but that's why you have to be willing to explore and try things and flail a little. This is a process of play and play can be confusing. You don't wake up one morning and go," I've got it. My purpose is teaching people how to make homemade pasta and Instagram," right? You don't do that. Usually, it's more like, "Hey, let me try to make some homemade pasta with my kids this weekend because it looks fun. Wait a second. I kind of liked this. Let me learn more about how it works. Wow, there's a whole art and science to this." Now, you're getting a homemade thing that bolts onto your table — I'm talking to you, Jen. "Maybe we should film our cooking sessions and post them online so other people can learn how to make pasta too." Then two, three years later, you're a self-taught chef. You're a mommy blogger who's connecting with their family over food and selling her own brand of frigging ravioli or whatever. And you get to say, "My purpose is teaching people the joys of pasta," but that doesn't happen overnight. It's very gradual. It's organic. You really just have to follow your excitement in small doses until the bigger picture reveals itself.
[00:25:34] And I know the pasta example is kind of dumb, but Jen just watched like five pasta making tutorials on YouTube. So it was top of mind.
[00:25:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: There you go.
[00:25:41] Jordan Harbinger: So is there a job out there that you might actually enjoy doing? Of course there is, but you're going to have to dig a little to find it. Is it okay for you to just focus on bettering yourself and become a stay-at-home mom? Sure. As long as that truly brings you joy and meaning and working on your health. I do think that's important given that COVID threw you into a crisis, you and a lot of other people. But that'll probably just be one piece of the next chapter of your life. It probably won't be your purpose, but it could actually be the thing that allows you to really engage with your purpose. If that makes any sense.
[00:26:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, it does make sense, well said, Jordan. And a big part of that process will be resolving some of these conflicts that you have around this, because it sounds to me like having the freedom to leave your job, create a whole new life. That's bringing up a lot of new thoughts, a lot of new feelings. You grew up in a family that valued hard work and a sense of duty. And this was a family that it sounds like sacrificed a lot to give you this career. And then you meet your husband and he's like, "Well, you don't have to do all of that anymore. We're more than comfortable. Let's just be happy." And I'm sure that's bringing up a lot of questions for you. Am I betraying my parents by quitting my job, or am I an entitled brat for pursuing my hobbies? Or do I actually have value if I'm just a stay-at home mom? You know, those questions make a lot of sense. We're all conditioned by our upbringings and your new life with your husband, it's kind of challenging every principle that you inherited from your parents.
[00:26:59] So I'd explore all of those beliefs, feelings, figure out what they mean for you. For example, does the fact that your parents sacrificed so much for you mean that you have to stick with a job that's actually making you miserable? That would be a really good question for you to explore right now. Another good one to ask yourself would be: how do the new values of your marriage fit with the values you had up until now, right? Which values do you really actually believe in? Because what you're really talking about here, it's a shift in identity and forging a new identity, especially one that develops with a new partner — a new partner who by the way, has a very different set of life experiences and a different set of values from you. That's pretty intense. So I'd encourage you to explore this reconcile, these competing ideas on your own. You can do it with a therapist. That's very helpful. Definitely do it by talking it out with your fiance. Start figuring out who you really are now, who you really want to be. And maybe part of the answer is just, you know, "Wow, I really got lucky. I found an amazing partner who does very well. I have more freedom than most people. I guess I really need to appreciate it. Do something meaningful with it." That gratitude, that's a huge part of finding your purpose too.
[00:28:05] Jordan Harbinger: I agree, Gabe. She might not be able to resolve all of these conflicts, but she might be able to accept them by being aware of how fortunate she is. And using that gratitude to step more fully into this new life for her. It might not be the life she thought she'd have based on her childhood, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad or empty. What she does with that freedom, how she values it, that's what counts. So I hope you get to do that. Play around, talk this out with people, invest in your mental health, your physical health, and know that if you're pursuing goals in relationships that reflect what you truly care about. You really can't go wrong.
[00:28:37] We're also going to link to a bunch of great articles and interviews about purpose in the show notes for this episode. I think those will be super helpful for you. Gabe, you know, volunteering or doing something part-time is a good way to find purpose and fulfillment without over-committing yourself. I also think from going from three jobs to zero, like commute to the office and go to work-style jobs is a big jump. Because if you're working three jobs, you're used to feeling miserable, right? And you have guilt around not feeling that way. And it's funny, cause I'm looking at these questions and I'm just thinking, this is a person who thought I'm supposed to feel crappy. And my parents are like, "Why aren't you ragged and horrible and like can't function and not getting any sleep? That's the way you're supposed to be as an adult?" It's like, you're not working hard enough if you don't hate your life.
[00:29:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.
[00:29:22] Jordan Harbinger: "You're supposed to hate your life because that's how I raised you," right? Like you know, "You're supposed to work 12 hours a day, six days a week, and if you're not, you're not trying hard enough." And so in the modern age here where we might be more privileged or things might've worked out differently, or we are kinder to ourselves, our employers are kinder to us. We almost go like, "Uh-uh, well I need to add things to my plate. So I feel as crappy as I think I'm supposed to," but it's like, this is not sustainable or healthy.
[00:29:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Wipe that smile off here for it to start being successful.
[00:29:50] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. "You were going to take a vacation for the first time in three years. You, slacker, you're supposed to be under-slept and have dark circles under your eyes that never go away." Yeah, I know that feeling. And I feel like this person is actually just going through that. Like, I'm betraying how hard my parents worked, if I'm actually not doing the same thing, but it's funny to think, like, especially they didn't move here to have you live the same quality of life as they did. Like you're supposed to level up, you're living the American dream, moving here, marrying somebody who has a successful business, not needing to work three jobs, not because you married into money and you can gloat now.. But because that person sees your value in a different way and you see your own value in a different way, other than punching a clock. Like this is the whole idea behind leaving whatever and coming here. So it's tough though. I understand leaving a mentality behind is no easy task.
[00:30:40] By the way we've been getting a lot of questions lately about estates and trusts, inheritances navigating the family dynamics of money and decisions around money in general. We'd like to take some of these on the show, but we could really use some experts to weigh in and consult for us. It's not a paid thing. It's a kind of thing where you're doing just to help other people. So if you're a state attorney, a probate attorney, a financial planner, anything like that you're really knowledgeable about a state's trust inheritances, that kind of thing. And you're down to share some brief thoughts with us on listener questions just from time to time, anonymously or not. We'd love to hear from you. Hit us up firstname.lastname@example.org. This will up our game in this department because yes, I'm an attorney, but I don't know anything about estates, trusts, inheritances, especially when things are contested or there's going to be drama around it or best practices. I know nothing about this, really. So we'd love to hear from you, if you are able to be a resource to us.
[00:31:35] Gabe, what's the time commitment? I mean, once or twice a month, generally you got to email us an answer to something within a couple of weeks, if that right?
[00:31:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. At the most, yeah, it would be very occasional probably every few months. Probably one question.
[00:31:47] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Right. So yeah, if that's you email@example.com. All right. What's next?
[00:31:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, several years ago, I did some work for an acquaintance of mine who is basically a general contractor for this homeowner and I wasn't paid for the $8,000 job. After much back and forth the contractor, and then the homeowner referred me to their lawyer. I took them to court representing myself, but there's been no conclusion yet. The contractor took over the finishing touches on the home and ended up with the money. The whole ordeal caused me a good deal of anguish, anger, and frustration. A common friend has asked both me and the contractor who screwed me to be in his wedding. And I accepted the honor. It's possible that it was the homeowner's idea to stiff me, but I don't know what's been said between the contractor, the homeowner, and their lawyer. The groom knows that there was a disagreement, but he doesn't know the whole story from my perspective. I thought about skipping the bachelor party weekend, but I don't really want to cancel. How can I either conceal or eliminate my resentment so everyone can have a good time? And how do I deal with this person at the bachelor party and the wedding? Signed, A Dude on a Stag Night, Finding the Might to Dodge a Bad Fight.
[00:32:54] Jordan Harbinger: Ah, this is so frigging, infuriating, getting screwed on a job by an acquaintance, no less to the tune of eight grand. That really hurts. And these situations are never easy, especially when the other person is not apologetic at all, right? They're just like blowing you off. I get it. I've had a couple of companies stiff us here on advertising for example. And one company was like, "I'm so sorry. This is embarrassing. It's one of the biggest failures in my life. My company is going under. Please understand." And I was like, "Dude, don't even worry about it. We're cool." I had another company tell us they couldn't pay us. And then they went and raised like tens of millions of dollars. And when I emailed them, they were like, "Screw you, you can't do anything about it." And to this day, I'm busy referring people to not buy their products. I tell investors that are looking at them, never to buy them, never to deal with them. That they're terrible people. I mean, it's really cost them probably more than they screwed me out of and that was the whole. So it really depends on how you handle something like this. I get it.
[00:33:46] These situations are never easy, especially when it's this personal and you have every right to feel angry, frustrated, resentful. And now you have to spend time with this backstabbing POS at your boys, bachelor party and the wedding, which sucks. So here's how I'd handle this. First of all, I would fill in the groom on what's been happening, not in a dramatic way, but give them a heads up. There might be some low-key tension at the bachelor party. Tell them you're not going to cause any trouble, of course. You're not going to fan the flame. You're just going to try to ignore this guy, but he might pick up on a certain vibe and that's why don't try and straighten it out, you know, during dessert at the dinner. When you talk, you know, fricking Buffalo, wild wings, like, "Let's hash this out right now." No, you know, six shots in, not lies.
[00:34:27] When you talk, you can also tell them your side of the story. And who knows maybe after finding out how all this went down, he disinvited the contractor from the weekend. I'm not saying you should ask him to do that, but if you guys are close and he thinks what this guy did was messed up because it is maybe he gets the boo or maybe he talks to the contractor. Like, "Dude, I heard what you did to Chris. That is not cool. I can't have one of my friends screwing over another one of my friends at an eight grand. Is this how you handle things?" And maybe leans on the guy to make you whole or settle with you? Like, "Oh, I didn't know this was going to come back to me." A lot of people who screw people over, they think I'm never going to have consequences to this, but if they realize their whole friend group knows that they're a freaking con man who gets away with stuff because they can, that's sometimes enough to get a check cut.
[00:35:09] I've had that happen before, too, not with money, but this is like middle school or high school. I had a kid who was really just like picking on me. I had no idea why. I didn't even have any classes with this kid. He just decided he didn't like me. 20/20 hindsight, it was probably over like some girl or he was insecure about something. Well, it turns out. I've mentioned to my mom, like, "This dude is driving me crazy. I have no problem with anyone else." And she goes, "What's his name? You know, maybe you should tell the principal." And I told them the name of my mom goes — he had a really unique last name. My mom goes, "I work with his mother," and I was like—
[00:35:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: No way.
[00:35:40] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. And I was like — yeah, he's just like torturing me in class. Like he throws spitballs at me. I'm like, and I wasn't a nerd or anything. So I was like, "What is this like punk dude? I'm going to beat him." I was a football player so my buddies were like, "Let's just demolish this kid." And I was like, "Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. There's something going on that I don't know." The kid came up to me the next day and goes, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea that our parents were together. Honestly, I don't even know why I picked you." He literally said, "I don't even know why I picked you." And I was just like, "It's fine. I just thought, like, I don't know you, why are you picking on me?" And he's like, "Just forget it even happened. I'm so sorry." That handled that, right?
[00:36:10] So a lot of times the social connections can sort of come together and in business it can happen as well because this guy, unless he's a complete idiot will realize, "Oh, my reputation is supposed to follow me, but I've never had that as a consequence, and then suddenly it's like, oh crap, not only is this a consequence, but it's at a wedding. Like this is hitting me closer to home than I thought." So don't ask your friend to settle it. I wouldn't ask him to settle it, but maybe at the very least the groom has a conversation with this guy. Like "I don't like the way you handle this, it's between you guys, but do not bring this beef into the bachelor party." And that could put the guy on notice, which will make it easier for you to keep your cool, if nothing else.
[00:36:46] At the same time, though, I would make a real effort to not engage with this guy during the bachelor party and the wedding at all if you can. That doesn't mean you have to conceal or eliminate your feelings as you put it and you shouldn't in any way you can't because you have those feelings they're legitimate. You can still be angry and you can still be resentful. You just have to be super self-aware and make sure you don't indulge those feelings or act on them for a couple of days. In fact, here's an idea you might even want to pull the contractor aside at the beginning of the weekend and say something like, "Listen, man, I think what you did was totally corrupt and uncool. I'm really freaking pissed about it. I'm disappointed you chose to do me like this, but I'm going to let that go for the next few days and just focus on our boy because this weekend is about him." And maybe saying that out loud, we'll give you the satisfaction of telling tool how you really feel, and also set an intention for yourself to just not explode at this dude when you guys are challenged down at Ruth's Chris steakhouse or getting lap dances at Scores or whatever, because that can get ugly, right?
[00:37:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Not the ideal place to hush out a disagreement.
[00:37:45] Jordan Harbinger: Generally not.
[00:37:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: I like that approach a lot, Jordan. Basically you need to find a way to honor your feelings without letting them dictate your entire experience. It sounds to me like you feel that you only have two options here, which are basically, option one, you stuff, your feelings down, you white, knuckle it through the weekend. Or option two, you own your feelings, but you risk just exploding at this guy in public. But there's actually a very healthy balance between those two options where you acknowledge the very legitimate anger that you feel to yourself and maybe to him, if that's appropriate without letting that anger dominate your entire mood. And that's really about letting yourself feel whatever you're feeling, as cheesy as that sounds, and finding a better way of dealing with those feelings when they arise so that they don't infect the whole weekend.
[00:38:27] In fact, I think you have a better chance of keeping those feelings in check by giving them just a little bit of airtime the way Jordan just described, rather than stuffing them down and pretending that they just don't exist. My only caveat to that is I wouldn't say or do anything that might antagonize this guy even further, or give him more ammunition in the civil case, because the last thing you want is for this guy to call his attorney on Monday morning and be like, "Yo, I was at this bachelor party. Chris went off on me. He assaulted me or harassed me, or he's trying to intimidate me into like settling," or something like that. And the lawyer somehow finds a way to claim that you are approaching this guy and retaliating against him for what he did. Obviously, we're not civil litigation attorneys. I mean, I'm not a lawyer at all. So I actually have no idea if that could even become a. But just to be on the safe side, it's worth keeping in mind. Maybe you don't say anything to this guy, if he's that kind of person, or when you do talk to him, you just go way out of your way to be super civil. So he really has nothing against you.
[00:39:21] Jordan Harbinger: Good call. Legally or not, it probably won't do any good to pour fuel on the fire. My only other piece of advice here is to figure out why this whole job went sideways and figure out a way to protect yourself in the future. If you can. Maybe you don't agree to work with people who seem a little shady, but also I can see, I can get blindsided by something like this. Maybe you request to be paid half upfront, whatever it is. Try and turn the loss into a lesson.
[00:39:43] I've gotten screwed a bunch of times in my life. And every time it was like, "Aw, that's where I screwed up. All right. Lesson learned, not doing that next time." Sometimes the lesson is really just that there was some crappy people and that you should learn to let certain things go, which is not the ideal lesson, right? Like sometimes you just get screwed over by somebody when 99 out of a hundred people follow through on a deal. But often there's a way you can sort of negotiate around things, especially if it's a first time client. So that's how you grow as painful as it is. And I'm sorry, this happened to you. I know the feeling well, but at least, you know that you're not the one who screwed somebody else over and you have an opportunity to be the bigger man here and just be a good groomsmen for your friends. So good luck, dude. I hope the case goes your way too. I really do. That'll feel good.
[00:40:29] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back.
[00:40:33] This episode is sponsored in part by chilisleep. I struggled to sleep at night. Sometimes I tend to run warm. I toss and turn because I can't get cool enough to sleep. The chili pad has made a huge difference for me. The bed feels as cool as if you just got in. It stays cool all night long. A listener of the show just wrote and actually told me she bought the chiliPAD as a last resort before getting sleeping pills, which as you can imagine are not great for you. She reported that it worked. She's glad she tried the chiliPAD before resorting to meds, which do all kinds of weird stuff to your brain and your sleep cycle. ChiliPAD makes customizable climate controlled sleep solutions that have helped me not only get a better night's sleep, but have improved my entire wellbeing as a result. Chilisleep makes both the chiliPAD and the OOLER innovative options that fit over the top of your existing mattress. So you don't have to replace your perfectly good mattress and it uses water to control the temperature of your bed, to lower your core body temperature and trigger deep restorative sleep. And it can also warm the bed. Again, it uses water. So you're not running, you know, an electromagnetic field through your body all night as well.
[00:41:30] Jen Harbinger: Head over to chilitechnology.com/jordan for chilisleep's best deal, which is 22 percent off right now, which they're offering our listeners for a limited time. That's C-H-I-L-I-technology.com/jordan for your special offers.
[00:41:42] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Zelle. Zelle is a great way to send money to family and friends, no matter where they bank in the United States. These days I travel light. I don't even carry a wallet, much less cash. I use Jen as my wallet because she carries a purse and she, of course, loves that. Zelle is easy and . I sent a friend some beer money for fun using Zelle, pay back my brother-in-law for something he bought from me using Zelle. And you don't have to download yet another app because it's most likely already in your banking app, since it's in over a thousand different banking apps as it. The money sent goes straight into the recipient's bank account, typically in minutes between enrolled users. So look for Zelle in your banking app.
[00:42:15] This episode is also sponsored in part by Progressive. Progressive helps you get a great rate on car insurance even if it's not with them. They have this nifty comparison tool that puts the rates side-by-side so you choose the rate and coverage that works for you. So let's say, you're interested in lowering your rate on some car insurance visit progressive.com. Get a quote with all the coverage you want and you'll see Progressive's rate. And then their tool will provide options from other companies, all lined up and easy to compare so that all you have to do is choose the rate and coverage that you like. Progressive gives you options so you can make the best choice for you. You could be looking forward to saving some money in the very near future. Money for say a pair of noise-canceling headphones, maybe a bouncy house for the backyard or one of those pizza makers. Yeah, that'll get a lot of use. Whatever brings you joy. Get a quote today at progressive.com. It's just one small step you can do today that could make a big impact on your budget tomorrow.
[00:43:02] Jen Harbinger: Progressive casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.
[00:43:09] Jordan Harbinger: Now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
[00:43:13] All right. Next up.
[00:43:15] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi Jordan and Gabe, six weeks ago, I got a new job as an account manager in shipping and transportation. At my orientation, I found out that I would be working 100 percent from home until the pandemic is. I'm a pretty confident person, but I've been struggling a lot with imposter syndrome, especially since I'm completely new to the industry. I learned best from watching others, but I'm pretty much isolated at home. And I can't shadow my coworkers or sit in on customer calls. My colleagues are always there when I have questions, but I feel embarrassed asking smaller questions like, "How would you word this email?" I also have almost no supervision at work, so it's easy for me to procrastinate, which makes me feel guilty. How can I learn, improve, and stay focused in this role when I'm working remotely? Signed, Trying to Onboard Without Going Overboard.
[00:43:59] Jordan Harbinger: Really good question. We talk a lot about the social isolation of working remotely, but we don't talk a lot about what it's like to level up in a new job when you're stuck in your apartment all day. So as great as remote work can actually be for a lot of people, it definitely makes it hard to learn and grow and overcome the natural imposter syndrome that most people feel when they start a new job. And there are tons of people in your shoes right now, like probably literally millions, so you're not alone. Okay.
[00:44:25] Here's what I do: I would find one or two good friends on your team. If you can, to take you under their wing. I don't mean like close personal friends. I just mean mentor-mentee style, higher seniority relationship. Look for the co-workers who are cool, friendly, who you can feel safe asking, quote-unquote dumb questions around. Tell them you might be asking some pretty basic stuff, but you're working hard to get up to speed as quickly as you can and you really appreciate it. Maybe you hit them up on Slack with questions here and there. Or you book a 10-minute Zoom with them once or twice a week, ask all your questions at once, so you're not pinging them eight times a day. Or you spread the questions around maybe a few different colleagues. So you're not asking the same two people for everything all the time and sort of getting on their, well, maybe getting on their nerves, but also interrupting their workflow, right? There's a way to lean on your coworkers in a way that doesn't create a burden for them. And doesn't make you feel like you're abusing their generosity or whatever.
[00:45:20] At the same time, I would also be thoughtful about what you need to ask your coworkers and what you can figure out on your own, because I know a lot of this job is new to you, but you'd be amazed at what you can learn by yourself. Writing customer outreach by email, for example, running a great meeting, closing a sale, doing client research. Those are all pretty universal tasks. They all look pretty similar industry to industry, company to company. You might be able to Google your way to a lot of answers. Maybe LinkedIn Learning has something in there. Use your relationships within and outside your company to fill in gaps. So take as much initiative as you can get creative. When you're sitting on your couch at home totally lost, I bet it's tempting to think, "Well, I better ping Richard again. He's the only one who can help me write this email." When really you could spend 30 minutes googling a few sources or reading other people's outreach emails and piece together like 80 percent of the solution on your own.
[00:46:12] And then when you do reach out to Richard, you're not saying, "Help me. I'm lost. What do I do?" right? You can say like, "Richard, I took a stab at the outreach email. Would you mind taking a quick look? Sanity check this thing for me. Let me know if I'm missing anything." Then Richard will be way more stoked to help you because he'll see that you're helping yourself. You just need an extra pair of eyes, some guides, some support, as opposed to hand-holding. Right?
[00:46:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. Such a good point, Jordan. It's actually a great principle there to adopt in general, whether you're working remotely or working in an office. I think it'll help you overcome a lot of this imposter syndrome just by trying things, getting feedback rather than capitulating to the helplessness when it comes up. And about that imposter syndrome, I think you might be holding this learning curve against yourself, probably more than any of your coworkers are. I mean, that's sort of par for the course when it comes to imposter syndrome, which just feels so much more intense for us than it does for anybody else.
[00:47:03] Like you said, You feel embarrassed asking smaller questions, that'll help you make progress, but then you feel guilty when you put things off, which probably makes you probably, I'm guessing even more hesitant to ask the questions you need to. That's a tough cycle to be caught in. So if you want to break out of it, you have to be willing to look or sound just a little bit dumb sometimes. And you have to be willing to tolerate the embarrassment and the vulnerability that come with being in a new role. That's not a personal failure on your part. It's really not. That's just the process of leveling up, but your struggle to accept that feeling, you know, to put that feeling to better use. That is something I would work on because I think that's a huge part of the anxiety you're feeling right now.
[00:47:41] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, good point. So much of resolving imposter syndrome is just embracing those underdeveloped parts of yourself. Because once you start pretending that they don't exist, you start compensating for them with all that false self that pretends to know exactly what it's doing. That's how imposter syndrome gets reinforced. And then it becomes even harder to shake.
[00:48:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Even harder to shake, yes, once you're trying to paper over the vulnerability. Exactly. And that gives me another idea. Actually, what if you just talk to your boss about this? What if you said, "Listen, I really want to do a great job here. I'm new. I'm trying to figure this out as quickly as I can. There's a lot for me to get up to speed on. I'm finding it pretty hard to do that when we're not all in the same space. I can't sit in on calls. I can't sit down in customer meetings. I'm not sure if I should be bugging my colleagues for help. Should I be asking you? Like, what's your advice? What would you do if you were me?" That might seem like a bit of a risky move, but actually it's not, your boss will probably appreciate that you're getting out in front of this. You're proactively asking for help. And in all likelihood, they probably don't even realize that being virtual is creating such a problem for you or for any new hires. So it's good for them to know that. You know, sometimes the best thing is just to flag the problem with the manager and ask for help. That's great. That doesn't make you look weak. It makes you look open. It makes you look proactive, secure, resourceful. It makes you look determined to grow.
[00:48:55] Jordan Harbinger: Great point. Gabe, no shame in asking for help as long as he runs with whatever advice they gave him. So that's how we'd approach things. Get resourceful, teach yourself as much as you can, ask for help in a thoughtful way. Keep in mind that three months from now, you won't even recognize yourself. That's how much you'll have grown. A year from now, you'll be managing clients. They'll be running meetings and you'll be the guy that new hires are asking for advice. That's just the way it goes.
[00:49:18] Hey, I wanted to do a little brief interlude and talk about Better Help because I do recommend therapy a lot on the show. They are a sponsor of the show and I think it's especially important to be real instead of just doing straight up ad reads all the time for something that's important like therapy. I also have gotten a lot of nice notes from you guys about how you've tried Better Help about how it's helpful. We are human, so we all struggle from time to time, right? I think there's no shame in getting therapy at all. I've done it. I think it's awesome. It's one of the best things I've ever done for my own sanity. And we talk about this on feedback Friday, all the time in part, because of that.
[00:49:51] We all go through the ups and downs of life, depending on where we are in our life, current circumstances. There's a lot of variables to this. COVID, right now, a lot of people are going through extra stress, whether it's medical stuff, job stuff, family stuff. You got your kids in the house, you got your spouse in the house, they're driving you crazy. Right? You can understand your past and you can understand how your past impacts your current life and your decisions. That's one of the things that therapy does for you. Also, you can set goals and you can get somebody to sanity check your decisions. That's I think one of the best things about therapy as well.
[00:50:21] The best way to think about therapy though, is through a bunch of analogies. You know, we get our cars tuned up to prevent bigger issues down the road. We get annual checkups and do exercise to stay physically fit to prevent injury and disease. We do chores regularly, some of us anyway, to avoid a giant mess of a house and those little silver fish things that crawl out a giant piles of laundry, or so I've heard. Going to therapy like all of the above, right? Routine maintenance for your mental and emotional wellness to prevent the bigger issues down the road.
[00:50:50] I know a lot of people will work out, but they do pretty much nothing for their minds. And I think that successful individuals that I know, you know, when I'm interviewing them, when we get down to this real talk, what we find on these calls or on these interviews or on these trips where I get to know a lot of these people really well, it turns out that most of the people I know that are really kicking butt in life — so top athletes, psychologists, scientists, entrepreneurs, every single one of them practically is in therapy now. Or they have been for forever or they count on it to keep their mind healthy. And I know what you're thinking. I mentioned this before that you don't need a therapist because you can talk to your friends and look, I'm on board with talking to your friends. Good friends are great for bouncing things off of, but there are people in my life that I mostly hear from when they need a therapist and that is exhausting for me.
[00:51:34] Feedback Friday aside, I love doing Feedback Friday. That's why I don't want to do it at a freaking dinner party. I find myself, one, not necessarily trained to handle their stuff, two, not necessarily in the right place to hear from them. And I might even avoid their calls sometimes if I'm having a tough day. And your therapist won't do that to you/for you, right? They're also trained to deal with this. They can compartmentalize. Their relationship with you isn't complicated because they're your therapist. So if you've been avoiding therapy, because you think your friends can be your therapist, I highly recommend making a real appointment with a Better Help therapist, because you're probably just pissing off your friends. I know a lot of friends love to help people. I love to help people. Hell, I do a show about helping people. We're helping you every single week here, but you can't just rely on the kindness of others., Often you need to do a little bit more heavy lifting.
[00:52:21] Better Help is customized online therapy that offers video phone, even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. I'm kind of like that myself. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. You can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours. Why invest in everything else and not in your mind? Our listeners, by the way, get 10 percent off their first month at betterhelp.com. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com/jordan.
[00:52:49] I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out the episodes we did with Bobby Hall aka Logic and A.J. Jacobs. Both worth a listen for you this week.
[00:53:00] And if you want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage relationships, using systems and tiny habits, check out our Six-Minute Networking course. The course is free. It's over on the Thinkific platform, jordanharbinger.com/course. A lot of people procrastinate on this. And the number one mistake I see students and entrepreneurs make is just not digging a well before you get thirsty because once you need relationships, you're too late to build them. These drills take a few minutes a day. It's the type of habit that you really ignore it at your own peril. I wish I knew it 20 years ago, this stuff has been crucial. Find it all for free at jordanharbinger.com/course.
[00:53:34] A link to the show notes for the episode are at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. Videos on our YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on Twitter and Instagram, or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMirzahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi.
[00:53:52] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Today is our intern, Samantha Friedberg's last day. Samantha, thanks for all your amazing work on the show. Your edits and research are a 10 out of 10. You're a rockstar. We're wishing you the best in all your future.
[00:54:11] Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[00:54:34] If you're looking for another episode of The Jordan Harbinger Show to sink your teeth into, here's a preview of my conversation with Austin Meyer. He's a software developer who exposes patent trolls and how they shake down innocent victims using legal loopholes and abuse of the system.
[00:54:49] Austin Meyer: I was working at a trade show in Oshkosh, Wisconsin where I was sitting there in a sweltering, hot aircraft hanger showing ,X-Plane, my flight simulator, to a steady parade of sweaty pilots, wandering through the hanger to look at my various wares. And all of a sudden the phone rings, "Hello. I noticed you've been sued for patent infringement. I'd be happy to represent you for a price." And I said, no, I'm not going to settle with somebody I've never even heard of before for infringing on a supposed patent. I've never heard of before." "It's okay, just remember your defense cost is going to run around three million dollars.
[00:55:22] Jordan Harbinger: Wow.
[00:55:24] Austin Meyer: The patent claims to own the idea of one computer checking another computer to see if the computer program is allowed to run. The patent we were sued on, as I recall, had 113 claims and every claim was almost the same. In other words, one claim would say, a computer accessing another computer to unlock software. And the next thing would be, software unlocked by one computer accessing another computer. Notice just the same thing over and over 113 times phrased a little bit differently each time, because since it took us four years and two million dollars to overturn one of those sentences, they had the same thing written down 112 more times. So they could put us through this for the rest of our lives.
[00:56:06] Jordan Harbinger: For more with Austin Meyer, including the details of his own investigation into patent trolls and why none of us are safe, check out episode 326 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.
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