1072: Past Regrets Foster Clear and Present Threats | Feedback Friday

1072: Past Regrets Foster Clear and Present Threats | Feedback Friday

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[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback. Friday producer, the official manufacturer dongle connecting you to this USBC Port of Life drama, Gabriel Mizrahi.

[00:00:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Not one of those knock off dongles you see on Amazon for like 87 cents. Thank

[00:00:19] Jordan Harbinger: you. Yeah. With a brand name is, it's in all caps and you get three instead of one.

You're like, but I just need one. And they're like, no, you're getting, you're getting five because they all jiggle a little and then die after a month. Yeah. Yes. That's not me. Exactly. You're a, you're a jiggle free dongle, my friend. You know? It never occurred to me. That might be why they give you multiple, because they know that like half of them are defective and they're like, Ugh, we're gonna have to replace this, or we're gonna get bad reviews, and it's like.

Actually just sell them more than they need. They'll throw that one away. One of them statistically will work, and then they'll just be like, eh, I already have more than I need. I'm not gonna bother contacting the car. That is totally why they do that.

[00:00:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: And it's cheaper for us to make three than to make one.

Exactly.

[00:00:54] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. That is, oh my God, that is definitely what, and then they can also be like, well, it's six point 99, which isn't expensive 'cause you're getting five. And you're like, all right, fine. I think we just cracked the case. Did we just discover economics? Pretty, yes. I, I'm imagining two curves, one supply, one demand, and they cross.

Oh shit. Lemme write this down. Yeah, right. Get a, get a pencil on the Jordan Harbinger show. We decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker.

During the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, war correspondents, neuroscientists, extreme athletes, Hollywood filmmakers. And this week we had Mike Feldstein on air quality, especially in your home. I was nerding out on this for a while because we had all these fires around and I, my air cleaners were going crazy only to learn that Mike, a buddy of mine for the past few years, is actually an expert on this subject.

He got introduced to me by a bunch of other people and I was like, I know you. So he came on the show to talk about in-Home Air Quality. I thought this was, you know, originally like, oh, this isn't a great talk. There's so much to know about the air quality in your home. And yeah, you're breathing that stuff in all day.

Your kids are, so it's quite important. We also had a skeptical Sunday, last Sunday on squatters. On Fridays though, we take listener letters, put out fires, play the occasional obnoxious soundbite, and compare Gabe to various OEM hardware. I guess before we kick off here, I was talking the other day to Kevin Kelly, former show guest, founding editor of Wired Magazine and author of The Inevitable Understanding the 12 Technological Forces That Will Shape Our Future.

That was episode 5 37, which was over 500 episodes ago, which is crazy. He said something that really landed with me. He said, I'm now, and I forget the exact number, but I think 55 years old, like a lot of people in middle age, my late night thoughts bend to contemplations about how short my remaining time is.

Even with increasing longevity, there's just not enough time to do all that I want nowhere close. My friend Stewart Brand is talking about his friend who is now 69, has been arranging his life in blocks of five years. Five years is what he says. Any project worth doing will take from moment of inception to the last good riddance.

So a book, a campaign, a new job, a startup that's gonna take five years to play through. So he asks himself, how many five years do I have left? He can count 'em on one hand, even if he's lucky. So this clarifies his choices. If he has less than five big things he can do, what are they gonna be? Which is kind of a sobering thought and a great question.

'cause life can really seem infinite even when you're up there in age. But when you really break it down into the chunks that make up our lives, it suddenly becomes very real. How little time we have, how much we have to prioritize and make the most of it. I just wanted to share that with you guys because I think that this is a really good way to think about things.

'cause if you say, oh, well I'm 44, I've got another 40 years left, you know, and I'll be old then, but I can do so much in that time. But if you really break it down into the meaningful number of years, okay, I've got like eight of those things that I can do. And some of those things they might not have anything to do with your business.

It might be like, okay, I'll write a book, but then it might be, I wanna live abroad and become fluent in Spanish, so we gotta move to, you know, Spain or I gotta live in Taiwan for five years and become fluent in Mandarin. That type of stuff. Yes, some of it can overlap. Like you could write a book while you live in Taiwan I suppose, but at the end of the day it just becomes too complicated to do all that stuff while also living your life.

So man, when you really break it down and you say, okay, I've got 20 things on my kind of wanna do it. Maybe someday list, you really gotta pick eight of them, or maybe 10. If you guys are a little younger than me and a lot of stuff, I'll, I'll be honest, when I did this didn't make the cut. All these people bugging me.

Like, you gotta write a book. You gotta write a book, you gotta write a book. I don't know if that one makes the top eight right now. I really don't know. That could change, but it really is not. It makes me prioritize it even less. Now, on that note, let's measure our lives in feedback. Friday letters, shall we?

Gabe, what's the first thing outta the mailbag?

[00:04:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, 20 years ago, my grandparents adopted two boys from Mexico, I'll call them Juan, and Miguel, who were aged eight and 10 at the time. The boys moved to the US and lived with my grandparents for two years. Unfortunately, my grandparents soon realized they had taken on more than they could handle.

Juan and Miguel had experienced severe physical and sexual abuse for much of their lives, and my grandparents believed they could pray the trauma away. Unbeknownst to them, the boys were carrying a lot of baggage that affected their daily lives. And when my grandparents began to struggle financially, they decided to contact the orphanage in Mexico and arranged to send the boys back.

[00:05:23] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man.

[00:05:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: The adoption had been finalized in Mexico, but not in the us so they were able to return the boys to the orphanage.

[00:05:30] Jordan Harbinger: Ah, that is sad. On a few levels. Poor kids, poor grandparents.

[00:05:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: After two years, man, that's uh, that's rough. That's not like we tried it for three weeks and it's insane. It's not working out.

Which right. Also might not be cool, but two years and then you send them back. That's hard. Yeah, it's brutal. It's worse actually for the kids anyway, I would imagine. Then about a year ago, my grandparents reconnected with Juan and Miguel, who are now grown men. Both have struggled over the years. They've battled drug addiction, worked for drug trafficking organizations and spent time in prison.

Both also seem to have mental developmental delays due to the trauma they endured. They also have a history of domestic violence and issues with anger management. Juan even confessed to killing a family member who had abused him during his teenage years.

[00:06:16] Jordan Harbinger: Oh my gosh. The things these guys have been through, this is intense, man.

Next level, I gotta say little dark Jordan confession here. If I thought that I could kill my abuser and get away with it, if I had one, of course I think I would do it. Wow. I think I would do it straight up. I'm not saying it wouldn't keep me up at night later or whatever, but I don't think it would stop me from doing it in some alternate reality or especially a lawless place where I wouldn't likely be prosecuted for it.

I hear you. Yeah. Yeah. So the real dark Jordan Pro tip here is if you wanna murder somebody, do it in Mexico. That is dark, dark. Jordan today? Yeah. You've won a trip to remote picturesque Cina Loa. Click here for details. You really adopted the dark. I was born in it. All right, so the joke is over. The air quotes joke is over.

Seriously though, this is so intense, I mean,

[00:07:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: so much sympathy for these young men. Since reconnecting, my grandparents, particularly my grandpa, have rebuilt a relationship with Juan regularly sending him money. My grandpa is currently battling stage four prostate cancer, and I believe his desire to reconnect with him may stem from a need to right the wrongs of the past.

Miguel meanwhile is still struggling with drug addiction and living on the streets in Mexico. Despite these challenges, my grandpa has become determined to bring Juan to the us. He was recently denied entry at a California checkpoint. So two weeks ago, my grandparents paid $15,000 to a coyote to smuggle Juan across the border.

Wow. This came as a huge shock to me as my grandparents are staunch Trump supporters and very conservative, often hateful towards illegal immigrants. They are not wealthy, and I suspect they borrow the money.

[00:07:55] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. So this is a MAGA person paying to smuggle an illegal immigrant and murderer into the country.

Yep. There's so much that I could unpack here, but I'm,

[00:08:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm not going to do that. Juan arrived in the US last week and is now living with my grandparents. When asked about their plans, they don't seem to have any. I'm now struggling with all of this. My grandparents want the entire family to welcome Juan with open arms, but many family members are hesitant because of his troubled past.

My boyfriend, who's Mexican is concerned that Juan May be taking financial advantage of my grandparents based on his family's experience. Sometimes relatives in Mexico try to take financial advantage of you because you're living in the us. I'm unsure how to navigate this relationship, especially since Juan is eager to connect with me.

I have many unread dms from him. Sorry. How old is Juan now if I'm tracking this story? Right. He's 28 years old.

[00:08:45] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, okay. Got it. So he's a full gra. I don't know why I thought he was like a decade younger. So he's a full grown adult. He's a man. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[00:08:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay. At the same time, my grandparents have shown conditional love to everyone in their life.

When a family member doesn't follow their rules or values, they are reprimanded and rejected. I'm also worried about what happens when my grandpa passes away leaving my grandma alone with Juan. Ooh, yeah, that's worrisome. Potentially, how do we avoid my grandparents triggering something in Juan that could potentially cause him to hurt himself or others?

How do I protect my grandparents without alienating them or causing family tension? And how do I establish a relationship with Juan while setting healthy boundaries signed? Wondering if danger's imminent now that my grandparents are harboring a dicey immigrant.

[00:09:32] Jordan Harbinger: Oof. Wow. Okay. This is a tough one and there's a lot going on here.

My God, so much. Let's dig in. First of all, what a story, what your grandparents did adopting these two vulnerable boys. It was originally really noble at first. Maybe they had their own reasons for doing it. Maybe their way of doing it was conditional or flawed, but they gave Juan and Miguel a shot at life that they never otherwise would've had.

The fact that it didn't work out, that they sent them back, man, I, I mean, look, they obviously didn't know what they were getting into. It sounds like these boys had much more trauma than they anticipated. They didn't have the resources to care for these kids in the way that they needed. I don't know, Gabe, there's another part of me that's like the conditional love and the whole, like, you do things our way and our way is always right.

How did that play out in the house? Yeah. How did that play out in the house? But also this sort of totally tracks, right? Like we can do anything we want. And anybody who can't do things our way is just dumb or not trying hard enough. And then when it's their turn to do something that's difficult, they're like, oh no return to sender.

It's the same thing like all these illegals, except for the ones that we like. That's fine. I'm gonna pay a smuggler to smuggle this kid in because this is ours. But everybody else that they're so wrong for having compassion for these people. They're ruining the country. It's so on brand for the, these particular types of people that I'm hearing about in the letter.

[00:10:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: Lot of contradictions here. Lot of angles.

[00:10:52] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Yeah. But look, I have some compassion for your grandparents. Freaking out. I guess. I mean it. It's a lot to take on. But I'm also just more and mostly deeply sad for these kids that they experienced one more trauma coming to America only to just be rejected and sent back to where they came from two years

[00:11:09] Gabriel Mizrahi: later.

Two years later. Yeah,

[00:11:10] Jordan Harbinger: it would've been nice if they had a consistent family to stick with them and take care of them and look the way their lives played out after that. Maybe your grandparents were not in the wrong saying, Hey, sorry, we can't do this. Or maybe they could have helped them avoid that path with a different approach and better resources other than let's just pray your problems away, which obviously didn't work.

But I could also see that creating a lot of guilt, and I can see how that might be playing a big role in why your grandfather brought one over. But also, and, and look, I'm sorry to stress you out here, but we just gotta appreciate your grandparents are taking a big risk in doing this. Huge. Not just the fact that this person has killed someone and is now living with your elderly grandparents, but helping someone illegally cross into the United States.

That is a federal offense. That is a serious crime. I just looked it up. The penalties are real. Up to 10 years in prison for each person smuggled plus significant fines doesn't mean they're gonna get a decade in prison and the fines, but up to that means the judge has the option to enforce that sentence.

And if there are other aggravating factors involved, financial gain, repeat offenses, endangerment of lives, the penalties can go from there. I mean, I, I'm gonna go ahead and just guess that if the judge knows that you brought somebody in and you knew that they had killed someone in Mexico and also had been engaged in criminal activity there, that's not gonna look good at the sentencing hearing for this particular crime.

[00:12:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Good point.

[00:12:29] Jordan Harbinger: Beyond smuggling charges, people can also face additional charges for conspiracy aiding and abetting, which also carry their own fines in potential prison time. Some states can impose further charges for harboring or transporting undocumented individuals plus potential civil penalties and having a criminal record for these offenses that can make it hard to get a lot of jobs.

Although maybe your grandparents don't need to worry about that. It just, it's interesting 'cause these are harsh penalties that are put in place and enforced and voted for by people like your grandparents. Mm. That is who votes for these particular penalties. I'm not saying they're right or wrong, I just think it's really ironic that they're probably all for it.

But when they are in front of that judge, I bet you they're gonna scream about how it's unfair. So this is a big concern. I'm not saying your grandparents are definitely gonna get caught. I'm not saying that they wouldn't be able to defend against these charges somehow, although that would require an attorney which requires money.

But if Juan committed another crime here in the States, any kind of crime, or if he were caught up in an ice raid or something like that and the authorities came to his residence and they found out that your grandparents were harboring him, that could definitely be bad.

[00:13:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: What concerns me about this is that her grandfather has stage four cancer, right?

Mm-Hmm. It sounds like he brought Juan over in part to make things right before he possibly dies. Yeah. So he might be thinking, well, I'm on my way out soon anyway. Like Yolo and like our friend here pointed out he might be leaving his wife to deal with Juan on her own. He doesn't have to worry about all of that.

That sucks.

[00:13:50] Jordan Harbinger: It does. I really don't know how fully they thought this through, and it sounds like from our friend here writing the letter when she said, I asked about plans, they don't have any. This is part of, I don't have a plan. Right? When I croak, what happens? Uh, I don't know. Charlene's gonna deal with them.

Sorry.

[00:14:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: Or maybe they did think it through and they're ready to face whatever consequences come because it's more important to them to make it up to Juan maybe. But that's still very worrisome.

[00:14:13] Jordan Harbinger: So my overall thought for you is, I appreciate that you wanna protect your grandparents here and you should as much as you can.

But they've made their bed and I'm afraid that now they have to sleep in it. I am just not sure how much you can do here. I mean, you can't move into their house full time. You probably can't stand up to Juan if for some reason he gets violent with them. You're not gonna be able to control everything your grandparents say and do around them.

The fact that you're worried about your grandparents triggering Juan in some way that might set 'em off. I don't know if that speaks more to Juan's personality or to your anxiety about the situation, but that's worrisome. I'm just, I am baffled that they brought somebody who could be triggered in that way.

But then I think Juan needs your grandparents to survive, right? They're his meal ticket. They've done him this huge favor. So I have to imagine that he knows how important it is to keep them happy.

[00:14:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, that's a good point. Like is he gonna turn around and hurt them after they are bringing him over and taking care of him?

I mean, if he's high

[00:15:04] Jordan Harbinger: out of his mind on PCP, maybe, right? But if he's like just rationally thinking about this, maybe not. I also know that he has this dark past, but the only time he's been violent as far as you know, anyway, is with the person who abused him. So it's not like he was some serial killer back in Mexico.

So while this is definitely unsettling, I don't know how much of an active threat one is to your grandparents. Again, we don't know. I'm not saying he isn't, or is I'm saying we literally have no idea still. I would work with your parents to stay close to them, check in on them a lot, see how they're doing with Juan.

If you ever get the sense that they're afraid of him, that he's acting erratically, that he's threatening them, anything like that, then I would talk to them about how to stay safe. But again, I'm not sure how much influence you have here. How do you make sure they never say the wrong thing? How do you monitor the situation with Juan at every moment?

You can't. You can't.

[00:15:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: We can't do

[00:15:53] Jordan Harbinger: it. I'm also not entirely sure that you can protect them without alienating them or causing a bunch of family tension. I mean, there's already family tension at best. At best. There's an undocumented immigrant in their home who's relying on their generosity, possibly taking advantage of it.

At worst, there's a dangerous killer in their home who might snap if your grandparents thought they could help somebody with a questionable past, enter the country illegally and stay with them without anyone in the family having some feelings about it. They were either being naive or blithe to the reality of the situation, or dare I say it, they always know best and they're never wrong, even though they've been wrong a zillion times, and that's what's caused this problem in the first place.

And this is just another instance

[00:16:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: of that. Yeah, could be I, I agree with that completely. As for your relationship with Juan, my feeling is that you're allowed to have whatever relationship with him you want to have. It can be close, it can be non-existent, it could be somewhere in the middle, boundaried.

It's all fair game. The way to establish a relationship with healthy boundaries with him, I think is, well, first of all, I would move very slowly and very thoughtfully, which I think is warranted, given that he's bringing a lot of baggage to his new life in America. He's a bit of an unknown quantity. You need time to see how he settles in, how he behaves, how he treats your grandparents, how he treats you, you know, what is he like at the dinner table when you guys go over there?

What kinda life is he building for himself? I would also try to suss out his intentions, your boyfriend's experience, that a lot of his relatives in Mexico try to take advantage of people in the us. He might be right, I'm sure Juan would acknowledge that his main motivation was getting out of Mexico and this very dark life that he was leading and enjoying a better life in the States, of course.

But there's a difference between flagrantly using your grandparents to escape and honoring their generosity by treating them well and trying to build a very different life here. So I would try to get clear on what kind of person he is that'll tell you a lot about whether he deserves your sympathy and how much you can trust him and you know, whether you need to keep your guard up and how much.

The second thing I would do is pay very close attention to how you feel when you're around this guy, and how much of his challenges he wants you to take on financially, emotionally, even logistically. If he asks you for a ride home after an event, if you trust him, basically, maybe you give him one if you think that he's basically safe.

If you still have some reservations about him and he starts calling you three times a week and DMing you constantly telling you about his troubles and asking you to loan him money, I would not feel bad about saying, I'm really sorry Juan, but that's not something I can do for you. I hope you find another way I.

If you ever see Quan doing or saying anything inappropriate like treating your grandparents poorly or disparaging the family or causing a scene or something worse, like attracting dangerous situations or people to your grandparents' house, then you and your parents might need to intervene more strongly and help your grandparents set their own boundaries with him, which again, might be difficult or you'll need to pull back yourself and say, you know what?

I just can't expose myself to the situation too much. I can't take this responsibility of theirs on myself. It's not mine, which is really, I think, the most important boundary of all.

[00:18:56] Jordan Harbinger: Agreed. Gabe, I get why she feels this impulse to protect her grandparents here. My fear is that they really are vulnerable emotionally, financially, at least, but they're also not her parents.

She didn't ask for any of this, so she needs to be very thoughtful about how much she gets involved, how much of this stuff she takes on. But man, these grandparents have done something very reckless here. I'm afraid they've radically destabilized their family. They're playing with fire and why to assuage their guilt to get right with God before they die and Juan becomes everybody else's problem.

It just doesn't seem fair to me. Not that these people seem concerned about that at all, but even if Juan turns out to be a decent guy who makes the most of this opportunity and treats them well, they're still taking a huge risk, AB betting his illegal entry and giving him a place to stay. And it seems to me that they're doing it without much regard for everybody else in the family.

So I hope this goes relatively smoothly. I hope one rises to the occasion and treats your grandparents well. But if he ever puts them in real danger, you might have to consider strategizing with the rest of your family on how to intervene and find another solution, hopefully one that doesn't also put your grandparents, or perhaps soon just your grandmother at serious risk.

So we're holding out good thoughts for them. Keep us posted and good luck. Now I'm gonna engage in harboring and transporting the killer deals on the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help November. Always one of those months where I'm feeling extra grateful for the people around me.

I am gonna give a special shout out to my therapist, Dr. Bbar. She's incredible. It, it sounds like Bbar. And when we say that we're gonna do a session with her, we say you're gonna get a Beeb job. Um, I probably shouldn't say that in this read, but it's gonna make you remember that better. Help is a great place to get therapy and Dr.

Bbar is incredible. She's not just somebody who listens while we vent, but somebody who isn't afraid to call us out when we need it. She's, she's kind when the situation calls for it. She's direct when she needs to be. Honestly, she's super sharp, helped us a ton and yeah, let's not forget to take a moment to thank ourselves too.

Life is crazy. We're all just trying to figure it out as best we can. I'm just trying to talk away that really bad. Joke that I told earlier in the read. So if you've been thinking about starting therapy, it's not even a joke. That's what we say. Better Help is a great option. It's completely online, making it super convenient and flexible with your schedule.

Just fill out a quick questionnaire. Better Help will connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs and possibly become a meme in your household. And if for any reason the match is not right, switching Therapist is simple, doesn't cost anything extra, and when I had to travel for three weeks, better help even extended my account for an additional three weeks.

So no hassle at all. Highly recommend you give better help a try.

[00:21:27] Jen Harbinger: Let the gratitude flow with Better Help. Visit Better help.com/jordan today to get 10% off your first month. That's better. hlp.com/jordan.

[00:21:36] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored in part by the defender. We all have those big goals that seem just outta reach, right?

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Please consider supporting those who support the show. All right, back to feedback Friday.

[00:22:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: Next up. Hey guys. I have this friend I've known for years who's sort of struggling to get his life together. He's a decent person with a good heart, but he can seem to make progress in his life or improve his situation.

For example, he's stuck at a certain level at a company that won't promote him or give him a raise and he can't, or maybe won't develop his skills or invest in himself in a way that'll make his case stronger or allow him to go get a better job. He's also frustrated about not being able to find a girlfriend, although I think he could do quite well with some work, and he's not very consistent about taking care of his physical health.

He shows no interest in going to therapy or pursuing much self-help. I have a lot of compassion for this guy. He's had a tough life in many ways. My challenge is that whenever we talk about this stuff, he points the finger at other people or situations. He's quick to blame his bosses for not recognizing his talent, for making it hard for him to shine at women, for not giving guys like him a chance for being self-interested even at his own body, his old injuries that prevent him from working out, and fatigue that keeps him stuck.

No matter what I say, no matter how many opportunities or ideas I propose, he always has a reason why he can't work on things. I don't want to give up on this guy. I know he has it in him to change, but I'm struggling to help him see his life in a new way without being mean or dismissive. How do you help someone see how they're blaming everyone else for their problems?

And why do capable people do this in the first place when it only keeps them stuck? Signed, wondering if I should linger while my friend keeps pointing fingers.

[00:24:13] Jordan Harbinger: Man, such a good question and kind of one of my favorite topics recently. I. This blaming thing. It's a very normal human tendency. We all have it to some degree.

It's a quality I even notice in in myself sometimes I think, but it's also extremely limiting, sometimes even dangerous, and learning to break out of it is, it's so extremely important. I can't really overstate it as you're seeing with your friend. The stakes here can be whether you get the life you want or just settle for the life that you get.

So look, the empathy you have for your friend, it's beautiful, it's important, it's deserved. I really appreciate that you can hang onto it even when you get really frustrated with the sky. So my first big piece of advice is hang onto that compassion because it's one of your best qualities and it's also something that your friend probably needs to feel in order to take your advice.

When we feel misunderstood or dismissed, it can be really hard to be helped to get feedback and to be empathized with. That's a very powerful combination. My second thought is something I've noticed about people who struggle to advance in life or make progress on their goals. They almost always have this tendency to blame other people.

They usually don't focus on what they can control. They fixate on all the things that they can't control. So instead of saying, all right, my boss won't gimme a promotion, but I can initiate this project over here on my own and show them that I can do it, or I can spend my free nights and weekends getting this cert and doing that class and go apply for other jobs, or whatever the move is.

Instead of that, they sit there going, my boss won't gimme a shot, and the company's rigged against me and no one's on my side, and the economy sucks. Whatever the narrative might be. Or instead of going, all right, my shoulder's a little bit messed up. I can't lift weights in certain ways, but I can still do squats.

I can still do abs. I can diet. I can go for walks, like it's April, 2020. I can do PT exercises on YouTube. Instead of that, they'll go, oh, my body's screwed. I can't do anything. What's the point? I'm old now. This is my, the new me. That's why it's important to stay connected to your empathy because there's obviously something in this guy's history that made him feel the need to stay safe, and who knows why that is.

Parents, childhood trauma, cultural beliefs, whatever it is, it's really hard to rewrite that stuff. It's not impossible, but it is hard. And by the way, people who have a tendency to blame others for things they did, I find that they also blame other people for things they didn't do, that nobody can control.

So when something happens at work that nobody could have prevented or someone accidentally injures them, or some huge force like the economy or the weather or society gets in the way of their goals, they lash out at those people too. These are kind of two sides of the same coin in both ways. They avoid taking agency, they give it all away.

This is really the adult version of the teacher hates me and that's why I got a bad grade, right? Instead of trying to figure out why the proverbial teacher might hate them, if the proverbial teacher hates them at all, they do the opposite. They retreat, they justify, they defend, or they shut down. And that's what it sounds like your friend sometimes does too.

And again, obviously that pattern exists for a reason. To you, it looks like a way to remain stuck. And by the way it is. But actually it's also a way to stay safe because it can be really hard and very vulnerable to confront all of your challenges, all of your rationalizations and excuses and bullshit and go, okay, I'm actually just lying to myself and making excuses.

I can go and do this thing. And that's why otherwise capable people can fall into this trap. So the best way to help people like this is validate their struggles and then just gently invite them to look at this quality. When your friend points the finger at other people or refuses to take ownership for stuff, you could say something like, yeah, man, I hear that your boss is not being the most supportive.

That sucks. I get it. I get it. I know how hard that is. I wish he'd see what I see in you. I also think there are options to advance your career here that don't require him to give you a shot. You wanna talk about some of those things, and if he's like, you don't get it. The whole company's against me. This place sucks.

No one's hiring right now, yada, yada, yada, which I gather that's kinda what your friend's doing and this is not your first conversation with him. Then maybe you work up to saying something like, listen man, I've heard you talk a lot about the things standing in your way. I know that those obstacles are significant.

I know how hard it can be to keep going when you feel stuck, but I'm starting to get the sense that you might not want to explore some of the options you do have, which I'm really excited about, and which I think you might find really exciting too. I get the sense that it's a little hard to talk about the ways that you might also be contributing to these situations by only focusing on the people in situations holding you back.

Are you seeing that too? Or is it just me? And then invite him to talk. And you gotta be patient here as always, because you might have to move slowly. It might take some doing for you. This is easy, right? You're not him. You can see the solution. You don't have the challenges he has for him. This is really daunting.

He's the one who has to shift his entire worldview, his mental models tap into inner resources he might not have. So again, your compassion, your empathy, your patience, those are gonna be key. Crucial. Absolutely.

[00:29:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. And at that point, it's up to him to decide if he wants to talk about this stuff, if he wants to look at things in a new way, if he shows any willingness to engage, even if it's kind of tentative or vague.

I think that's a great sign. And I would validate that and I would encourage it, and I would make it safe for him to confront some of these rationalizations of his with you. And then over time, maybe you gently encourage him to start considering some new avenues, some next steps, maybe even with you, like with the gym thing, you know, you like invite him to come for a workout and then invite him to come for a second workout.

Or if it's about showing up at work in a new way or moving his body for a few minutes a day on his own, however he can, or talking about himself more often, whatever it is, considering new ideas, if he doesn't show any interest or if he turns around and points the finger at you as one more person who's getting in his way, which I don't know if he would, but he might, then I would say, okay, I hear you.

I get it. I can see that this is hard to talk about. Maybe you're a little frustrated with me for bringing it up, that's okay. But if you ever wanna revisit this, if you wanna try things in a new way, I believe in you. I think there's a way to put yourself on a path to the things that you want. And when you're ready, I'm here.

[00:30:14] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. That's a very powerful thing to hear from a friend. It's not, all right, screw you. I tried to help and you're just hopeless. You're a mess. It's, I can see you're not ready. I'm gonna respect that, but I'm also not going anywhere.

[00:30:24] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. At that point, it's up to him to come back to you. Maybe he does. I hope he does.

But also maybe he doesn't, and then he's choosing to handle his life the way he wants to. And you gotta back off and respect it.

[00:30:37] Jordan Harbinger: Right. And as we always talk about, that's his journey. I love that you wanna help your friend. He's really lucky to have you looking out for him, and I hope he can take in your help when he is ready.

Good luck, Gabe. It's so frustrating to be around these people. This person has more patience than me. I don't know if I really have the patience to deal with somebody like that. Maybe it's just this phase of life, you know? Maybe when I was in my twenties and thirties, I would've been like, come on man, you can do it now.

I'm kind of like, next, you

[00:30:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: know, we're too old for this. But it's interesting 'cause I also do see this quality in you sometimes. Like we've had conversations like this, I. When you were a coach, you were like this, right? Yeah. You would work with people and stick with them over a long period of time while they worked on some of their challenges.

So

[00:31:11] Jordan Harbinger: that's true. But I feel like a lot of those people were willing to work on those challenges. Mm-Hmm. And they, you'd tell them something and they'd go, oh my God, that's awesome. Yeah, I'm totally gonna use that. And they like write it down. They wouldn't be like, I can't do it because of this. It's like, you break through that.

But if it takes more than a few days, I'm just kind of like,

[00:31:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: eh. That's true. There's a difference between resistance on the way to asking for the help Yeah. That you're ready to receive and just fighting it off from the, from the very beginning. Yes. Yeah, exactly.

[00:31:36] Jordan Harbinger: I just don't have friends like this anymore.

I mean, sure, there's people that are probably like, oh, I wish I could lose weight. And I'm like, yeah, you gotta weigh your food and get a trainer. And they're like, oh, that sounds like a lot of work. And I'm like, I get it. You know, I did that too, and let me know when you're ready to learn how to do this.

'cause that's what works. That's different than somebody just like constantly whining to me. Mm-hmm. And then also it doesn't take, I just couldn't handle that. It's like,

[00:31:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: do something about it. Dammit. For sure. It's a spectrum. I agree. Exactly.

[00:32:02] Jordan Harbinger: You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise.

Try to use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If your partner's been accused of abuse, you can't entirely disprove. You're trying to leave a dangerous relationship with a textbook narcissist, or you just lost a friend to suicide and you're raging at the doctors who failed him.

Sad story from last week, Gabe. Yeah, whatever's got you. Staying up at night lately. Hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, wee bit wiser. Wee bit wiser is the name of the clever name of our Wednesday newsletter. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode delivered right to your inbox.

If you wanna keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes, it's a quick read. We try to keep it under two minutes. I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at Jordan harbinger.com/news. Alright, what's next? Hey, Gabe and Jordan. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Gabe and Jordan, what's this nonsense?

I had a feeling that you were not gonna like that. What the, my, the raging narcissist I mentioned earlier is me. Here comes, it's, it was so interesting to hear that because I was like, that doesn't sound right. And I was like, what's wrong with that? No, that's our names. Wait a minute, they're in the wrong order.

That's what my brain just did. I don't think anybody's ever done that before.

[00:33:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: It doesn't happen very often. No. But yeah, leave it though. It's unique. This guy put the dongle first. Mm, the dongle first. Interesting move, power move. Continue. I've been working full-time, hourly for a restaurant for a little over a month now, and just recently found out I would not be paid extra for overtime based on the limited research I did.

It seems that it's illegal not to pay overtime for hours. Worked over 40 hours per week in my home state of Texas. I spoke to my boss, the owner, about the issue again tonight and informed him I would not be working overtime if I will not be paid for it. Seeing as how it's illegal. He said that this will not change and that if this is the case, I am not the right fit for the job.

I didn't expect this response. So I further explained that I would expect this issue to be resolved within two weeks, or I would report the company to the Texas Labor Board. His response was, Texas is an at will state, so your employment is terminated immediately turn in your uniforms and pick up your last check.

Unfortunately, I don't have any of this in writing. As the two meetings were face-to-face, I'm thinking that I should send him and his business partner an email stating that after I brought up unpaid overtime I was fired. So I have something in writing for the Labor Board, but a few people have told me that this might open me up to legal action.

Is that the case? Would you recommend sending this email or not signed? Looking for the key to get even see with the guy who screwed me outta my hard earned ot. Oh, that was. You didn't like that? Nah, nah. Not your best work. It was like it almost hit, but didn't

[00:34:38] Jordan Harbinger: quite exactly. This situation does suck though.

As you know, we're usually big fans that go and above and beyond your job description and helping out where you can. Although that usually applies to more corporate environments. I. In a setting like this where your bosses telling you to stay beyond your normal work hours, to wash dishes and take out the trash or whatever, that is objectively exploitative.

It's not cool. First of all, yes. Under the Fair Labor Standards Act, employees who work more than 40 hours in a work week must receive overtime pay at a rate of 1.5 times their regular hourly wage, unless they're exempt employees, like if they're executives. That applies at both the federal and state levels, including in Texas.

You worked for a restaurant, you were an hourly employee, so you're almost certainly not exempt, which means you should have been paid ot. So this employer does seem to be in violation of the law based on what you've shared. Now, Texas is in fact, an at will employment state. That means that employers can terminate employees for any reason or for no reason as long as the reason is not illegal.

So terminating you because you questioned illegal employment practices, like not paying overtime that could potentially be considered retaliation under the law. My totally unofficial take as a former attorney who did not specialize in employment law is if you could show that your termination was a direct result of bringing up unpaid overtime, you might have grounds for a complaint to your state, possibly a claim for wrongful termination.

So yes, sending a brief email to this guy, that would almost certainly be helpful in documenting your experience. You mentioned that you don't have anything in writing about these conversations, that's okay. That's pretty typical, but creating that paper trail can become crucial evidence. If you ever decide to file a complaint or take legal action, basically I would shoot this guy a note saying, dear dude, I wanted to follow up in writing regarding our recent discussions about overtime pay and my termination.

As you know, I've been working full-time at Restaurant for the past month and recently brought up concerns about not being compensated for overtime hours, worked in accordance with Texas law and the Fair Labor Standards Act. During our conversation on, you know, date, whatever date that was, I raised this concern and on whatever date the second conversation took place, you informed me that my employment was terminated immediately.

I'm writing to confirm the reason for my termination and to request that my final paycheck include any overtime pay that may be owed to me under state and federal law. Thank you for your attention to this matter. That's it. Keep it focused on the facts. Keep it profesh, no inflammatory language, no accusations.

Even if he doesn't respond, you'll at least be creating a written record of the events, which is key. And no, generally speaking, sending an email like this is not inherently risky, nor is it likely to open you up to legal action. If anything, documentation supports your case. The only way a letter like this could open you up to risk is if you get heated and belligerent and escalate things, because then an employer could perceive it as defamation or harassment, but you're not gonna do that.

And look, if you choose not to send this email or you do and your old boss doesn't respond, you have two main options. One file a wage claim. You can do that with the Texas Workforce Commission or with the US Department of Labor. I might just do both. Option two, file a retaliation claim. If you believe you were terminated for raising legal concerns about unpaid overtime, you might have grounds for a retaliation claim under the FLSA.

You need to talk to an attorney about that. And candidly, because you worked there for only a month, you didn't accrue a ton of ot, I'm not sure that it's worth your energy. So start with the wage claim and go from there. You know, if you'd worked with this place for a year or something, it starts to add up fast.

[00:37:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Either way, though, you should definitely gather as much evidence as you can, pay stubs, schedules, any written communications related to this issue, your emails to this guy, all of that, and include that with the wage claim. If you can. There should be a way to do that. If you do this online, I think that's gonna bolster your case a lot.

[00:38:14] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I think so. Uh, my hope is that this guy at least gets a notice or phone call from the Texas Workforce Commission going, Hey, did you fire someone for asking about overtime? I hope it scares him so much. He stops being a top shelf, a-hole. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I know it sucks to be fired.

It was probably a little scary, but good on you for standing up for yourself. There's a difference between being a team player with a cool boss and being exploited by a manipulative one who is breaking the law. And I'm glad you got out of there before you accrued too much overtime that would never be paid out.

Part of me kind of wishes you had accrued a bunch of OT at 1.5 x your rate so that he'd have to get investigated and pay you out while defending a lawsuit that he brought upon himself. That's always so sweet. So maybe next time work even harder while getting screwed by your dickhead boss. I gotta pump those numbers up.

Those are rookie numbers in this racket. Um, plan it. It's way better for you to just keep moving forward and leave this guy in the rear view mirror. I am glad you got out relatively unscathed. Good luck, but you know what you get to take advantage of now the deals and discounts on the fine products and services that support this show.

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[00:41:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I married and had a child with a man who in short is a covert narcissist with violent tendencies. He'd punch walls, throw objects when upset and disparage my family and friends. Everything was my fault. He'd belittle me in public sometimes in front of family and friends, and on two occasions our arguments turned physical.

I'm not proud at all for my actions. There's no excuse for violence. Worst of all, though, this happened in front of my son, who I'll call Christopher. Walking on eggshells every day and living in perpetual dread was taking a serious toll on me. I was not a present mother and worried about raising Christopher in this harmful environment.

My therapist advised me that if I thought about leaving, now would be the time. While Christopher was still young, he was two years old at the time. After months of crying and knowing I was gonna die miserable, I decided to file for divorce. My son's dad and I now share 50 50 physical and legal custody.

When Christopher was three, I started dating a man I'll call John, who I saw a future with to be respectful to Christopher's dad. I informed him about John and it sent him into a tailspin so severe that my attorney filed an emergency ex parte order that allowed Christopher to be with me full-time.

These orders lasted a year until he was able to prove that he was mentally stable enough to care for our son. Since then, Christopher's dad has done everything possible to undermine me and John saying things to Christopher like, he's not your real dad. When John helped Coach Christopher's basketball team, his dad stopped taking him, saying to him that basketball's not for you, or It's a waste of the team's time when you're there.

John and I are careful not to criticize Christopher's dad to him. Even when Christopher starts becoming defiant towards John, it's taken many open and honest conversations with him to work through the ordeal somewhat. Christopher is now 11 and his dad is remarried with kids. Details have emerged about his dad verbally abusing his stepmom, punching walls, slamming doors, throwing objects, and most recently hitting her.

She also hit him back. Christopher has two younger siblings, ages three and one, and all of this happens in front of them as well.

[00:43:56] Jordan Harbinger: Oh man, this is so sad. Those poor kids, this guy's outta control.

[00:44:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: His dad manipulates. Chris threatens to disown or take away his phone, his computer, et cetera. Whenever he expresses views that counter his and has asked him to keep multiple road rage incidents a secret from me just to name a few alarming incidents.

Christopher has expressed being fearful that one day his dad will get so mad at him that he'll hit him. Everything he tells me is prefaced with. Can you not tell dad I told you? His stepmom is also less than loving. According to my son, she fat shames him and mocks him when he protests. Oh

[00:44:30] Jordan Harbinger: gosh.

[00:44:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: Christopher has asked me on a few occasions what I would do if he ran away from his dad's to live with me, but then he'll retract his question saying he can't leave his younger sister and brother. God, this is so sad. Until now, I've been trying to help him as best I can to cope, talking about his feelings and taking him to therapy, but I feel heartbroken and helpless as I watch my son become unhappy by the day.

My intuition tells me to do all I can to get my son out of his dad's house, but emotional abuse is hard to prove. CPS has already visited once and nothing came from it. Not to mention the strong likelihood of his dad lashing out at him. As soon as I file for new orders, I don't feel I can wait until Christopher is 14 when the courts will take his living preferences more seriously.

Do I continue helping in the ways I have been or do I take more aggressive action? Knowing Christopher will definitely suffer as he'll be caught in the middle and likely not see his siblings anymore. Signed looking for a hack to have my son's back when there could be serious blowback.

[00:45:29] Jordan Harbinger: Man, what a heartbreaking story I really feel for you and for Christopher, your ex.

Look, the guy has obviously some serious problems, otherwise he wouldn't cause so much pain and chaos, but he really does sound like a very hurtful, petty, dangerous person. You're in an incredibly tough position here. Whatever decision you make, there will be some really unfortunate consequences, and that sucks.

I'm just not sure. You can totally win here. First off, I just want to commend you for getting out of this marriage in the first place. Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. You've been incredibly courageous and decisive here. You've protected your son as best you can. You've gotten him therapy.

You've helped him work through his feelings. You've even managed to avoid badmouthing his dad, which must be so tempting and which would be warranted to some degree. You sound like a pretty great mom. You're doing so much right here. Second, I'm obviously very concerned about how Christopher's dad treats him, the stuff he's exposed to when he is at his house.

This guy's verbally abusing his new wife. He's punching walls, he's slamming doors, he's throwing stuff around. Now he's hitting her and she's hitting him. Christopher and his siblings are just sitting there watching all of this play out, and Christopher's literally afraid that one day his dad will get so mad that he will hit him.

This is not okay. This is damaging for those kids.

[00:46:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: I also know that when a child starts asking about running away from a parent's house, when he's bringing this up with you and that he's kind of walking it back, that's a huge red flag.

[00:46:53] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.

[00:46:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm guessing he's in pretty deep distress

[00:46:56] Jordan Harbinger: if he's saying this to you and it breaks my heart all over again that at his age, he feels he needs to stay at his dad's to protect his siblings.

Yeah. My strong feeling is that something has to change here. So my take is yes, of course. Keep helping him in the ways that you have been. Keep taking Christopher to therapy. Keep being there for him. Be a safe space for him. Remind him that he can talk to you about anything. Tell him that he's worthy of your love and protection, that his father's behavior is not a reflection on him or of him.

That none of this is his fault. I have a strong feeling that you're already doing all this, but just I want to call it out because I think it's crucial for him to hear that right now. Mm-Hmm. And when he says things like, don't tell dad. I would let him know that you'll protect his privacy as much as possible, but that your main priority is keeping him safe.

And I would also continue documenting every incident Christopher shares with you. Every comment, every threat, every instance of road rage, dates, times, specifics. This record is gonna be invaluable. If you ever have to meet with the police or CPS again, or you decide to revisit the custody arrangement in court, it's gonna be so much better when you come in with a Google spreadsheet that is a year long and there's 400 incidents on there than it is if you're like, well, he does all these things, and they're like, okay, sure.

Also, I know emotional abuse is hard to prove, but in some states like California, if a child is witnessing severe domestic violence and it's causing emotional and behavioral consequences like being scared and wanting to run away, I believe that is also reportable.

[00:48:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes, I think that's true, and I would not be surprised if that's true in many, if not most states.

I would also encourage Christopher to share as much as he can with his therapist. You know, remind him that he can always tell the therapist exactly what's going on at dad's house. If dad ever got abusive with him or actually abusive with anyone in the house, that might be enough to force his therapist to report it to CPS.

Again,

[00:48:42] Jordan Harbinger: actually Gabe, I'm kind of shocked that his therapist hasn't reported this already. Assuming they know what's going on at home,

[00:48:48] Gabriel Mizrahi: I am too a little bit. If they did know, I have to imagine that they would be advocating pretty hard for Chris and possibly his siblings to be removed from the home, or at least for somebody to go over there and check it out.

So sharing as much as possible with his therapist, that might be one good way to hold his dad accountable and or get Christopher out of the house without being the obvious bad guy. You might also be able to chat with Christopher's therapist directly and get their opinion on how he's doing right now and what else you could be doing.

Now, this is a little bit ambiguous because Christopher is a minor, so his therapist might talk to you at a high level about what's going on with him as opposed to, you know, with an adult where there's much more confidentiality. It's usually within certain parameters, like if there's some kind of risky behavior or there's a risk of self-harm or harm to others or certain other agreed upon topics.

So it depends on what the constraints of his therapy are with his therapist and just FYI. We quickly talked to a therapist friend of ours about this and she said that if she were Chris's therapist, she would also consider talking to Chris about talking to you and maybe even bringing you in for a session and brainstorm ways to best support Chris.

Help him find whatever sense of power he can in this situation. Come up with a safety plan if dad ever starts acting up again, whether it's going to a neighbor's house or having some contacts in his phone, he can call if things get really bad. Stuff like that, as well as your options with CPS and with the custody stuff.

So on that note about taking more aggressive action, this is tricky. On one hand, Christopher's exposure to this emotional and potential physical abuse, obviously extremely concerning. I. On the other hand, a custody battle could escalate the situation. It could create even more abuse and dysfunction and distress.

But from where I'm sitting, Christopher needs protection. He deserves protection, and this house that he's spending half his time in just doesn't sound very healthy or safe to me. So you might want to consider talking with your lawyer and seeing what your options are. I wonder if you guys could request a custody evaluation, given how his dad and his stepmom are behaving these days.

[00:50:43] Jordan Harbinger: I also wonder if the court could take Christopher's wishes into account even sooner. I believe this varies by jurisdiction, but the age at which a court takes a minor's preferences into account is usually like 12 to 14 years old. Mm-Hmm. So Christopher could be less than a year away from having at least some kind of say in his living situation.

In some cases, children younger than 12 can still express their preferences, although the court might focus more on what it deems to be in the child's best interest in terms of stability, safety, wellbeing, but your arguments could help sway that as well. You might wanna also look into getting a guardian ad litem.

Basically a third party appointed by the court who advocates for a child's welfare and provides the court with an objective assessment of their needs and circumstances

[00:51:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: could be really useful. While Chris is still young, I also wonder if there are some legal protections you could put in place if his dad retaliates in any way.

I don't know. Supervised visitation, modifying the custody agreement. I mean, if it things get really bad, potentially a restraining order or an emergency custody motion. There are options here because let's not forget that your son has told you he's afraid that one day his dad will get so mad at him that he'll hit him.

That's extremely concerning. And while I hope that never comes to pass, I also don't want you to feel like you have to wait for something really bad to happen before you can intervene. So if Christopher's dad ever makes any indications that he would hurt Christopher, I would notify CPS. Again. CPS can intervene if there are credible threats of physical violence against a child, even if no actual physical harm has occurred yet.

I also think it's worth mentioning to them that he's putting multiple kids in dangerous and harmful situations here. It's not just Chris.

[00:52:16] Jordan Harbinger: Good point. Again, your documentation will be key there. And I know that you don't wanna separate him from his half siblings. I'd hate for that to happen too. But I also think you really need to make Christopher the priority here.

Yes. If there's a world where his relationship with his siblings takes a hit because you protect him from his dad. That might be a trade off that you need to make. It's heartbreaking, but it might be necessary. As they grow up, they can try and repair that relationship. I'd encourage that as much as possible, but I am just not sure that I'd allow my child to remain in a dangerous home because I wanted to make sure that he and his half siblings stay close at all costs.

Christopher has to be your top priority because he's your child, and if it ever does come to living apart from his siblings, you might have to tolerate him being upset with you for a little bit. I know it sucks, but my strong feeling is that it's better for him to be upset with you now than to potentially stay in that house and become dad's new punching bag.

At the end of the day, your goal is to protect Christopher while also minimizing the drama and instability. That's a very delicate balance. I do not envy the position that you're in, but you've been doing a pretty amazing job here. Just keep a close eye on your son. Keep taking it one step at a time.

Don't be afraid to seek help from professionals when you need it. He's lucky to have at least one great parent in this situation. I hope he gets to determine his living situation as soon as possible and that he gets outta dad's house relatively unscathed. Sending you both a big hug and wishing you all the best.

And listen, while we're on the topic of narcissistic partners and domestic abuse, I wanted to share a thought on the letter we took a couple weeks back from the woman who had escaped an abusive relationship. She stood up to her narcissistic husband who had been beating her and got out of a very dangerous situation before she potentially died.

That was episode 10 59, by the way, last segment on the episode. So a lot of people wrote to us after that episode saying, wow, what an amazing letter. What a remarkable woman. Good for her, which is more or less Gabe, in my take too, that this woman was insanely courageous in standing up to her abuser and leaving.

A few of you also pointed out in the subreddit and by email that in cheering on our friend from afar, we glossed over a really important point, which is that these situations are highly risky and that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when they are leaving their abuser. And this is absolutely correct.

I just wanted to flag that because I think we got so caught up in the drama of that woman's story and frankly, we were so freaking proud of her for turning her life around that we didn't stop and appreciate that her story could have gone very differently. I. Also that her story isn't necessarily a textbook perfect strategy for leaving an abusive relationship, although I still feel it's deeply inspiring.

I hope it gives other people in similar situations the hope and resolve that they need to safely leave their dangerous relationships. Anyway. We've talked about the fact that the most dangerous time for domestic violence victims is when they leave. We've talked about that in other feedback Friday episodes about abuse, but it's a fair critique and just thank you to those listeners who reached out to remind us of this very important point.

I wanted to share that while we're here.

[00:55:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, it's a super important point and and we did gloss over it a little bit in that response. It's funny, I was thinking about that letter to Jordan the last couple weeks, and the other thing I think we glossed over is that the woman in that story might have had a couple advantages that many other victims don't have.

If I recall correctly, she secretly bought a house and put it in her name, and that was part of how she was able to leave that guy and step right into her own life, which is amazing. But obviously, not all victims have the money to go and buy a house on their own or even to rent an apartment on their own.

And that is a tragic reality of a lot of these situations. It is heartbreaking to me that money is oftentimes what keeps people disempowered and stuck in these awful situations, but it is the reality. So I guess I wanna flag that as something we also might have glossed over. It doesn't take away from how brave our friend had to be to stand up to that guy and hey, if she earned that money and she managed it well and she had the conviction to go use it to keep herself safe, that is massively impressive as well.

But not every victim has that privilege, and I just wanna appreciate that.

[00:56:04] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's a very fair point as well. It sucks, but the reality is that some people can more easily afford, so to speak, to be brave. Mm-Hmm. And obviously certain people have advantages, whether it's money or friends or family or skills or access to other resources, but also cultivating those assets, especially strong relationships, which have little to do with money.

That's part of all our jobs because when a crisis hits, we need to give ourselves every possible advantage. Just one more version of digging the well before you're thirsty, I suppose. I. All right, time for recommendation of the week. I am addicted to Lit Fella. My recommendation of the week is a clever hack I came up with for blasting through audiobook.

As you guys probably know, I have to read at least one book a week. Usually it's like two. So I've had to find ways of being ridiculously efficient while still retaining a ton of information. So my hack is I import raw audiobook. So if you are on Audible, you can get a program called Open Audible. It's not free.

I think there's probably a trial, but it's called Open Audible, I believe it's Open Source. What it does is it connects to your Audible account, and then it just downloads the audiobook files and it could convert them to MP three files automatically, or M four A whatever, which is kind of like an audiobook format.

Then I import them into Overcast, which is an iPhone app for podcasts. But what Overcast does is it allows you to store things. If you do the Pro, which is like $10 a year, you can store files in the cloud. So I upload them to Overcast, and I click Trim Silence. Then I listened with Vocal Boost, which is an equalizer setting at three x speed or two x speed.

And so what trim, the silence does audiobooks, they not only do they speak super slow, but there's tons of silence between chapters in the beginning, blah, blah, blah. Overcast will basically cut that silence down like 90%. So there's still gaps and you still hear the gap, but it's not just like a five second gap between chapters, it trims all that stuff.

And then it speeds it up in a smart way where it's still understandable. You can still hear what's going on. I usually start off at two and then as I get used to the narrator, I crank it up to 2.5 or three x and I can read a eight, an eight hour audio book in three hours. And I've, of course, I'm pausing, I'm taking notes in my phone as I need to to prep the show.

But it is a super useful way to just plow through books in a very good clip. And I'm usually walking when I do this, so I'm not distracted by most other things. So I really do get a lot done and I get some exercise. You can find Overcast in the App store, but just FYI, I think it's only available for the iPhone.

Open Audible is available on Mac and Windows, so that's a desktop application. Alright, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show. If you wanna jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, if there was an episode you liked, an episode you hated, you wanted some additional thoughts or learn more from other people in our show, fam, come check it out.

Some great conversations happening over there. You can find it over on Reddit in the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. So last week I told you guys a weird story about how I helped some parents kind of kidnap their own children back from abusive parents when I was a teenager in the nineties, and I'd kind of forgotten about that chapter in my life.

But then Gabe reminded me that I never really explained how I got caught up in this weird off the books. Work with these Detroit cops

[00:59:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: makes no sense to me. Like how did this happen? This is some movie ish, this is

[00:59:20] Jordan Harbinger: like peak nineties Detroit Police Department. Yeah. Stuff where they just, there was just like no rules.

This is like the wire kind of, but like Detroit version. Mm-Hmm.

[00:59:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Please

[00:59:29] Jordan Harbinger: explain. So this reminded me of yet another crazy story that I had to share with you guys. So here goes another bizarre young Jordan tail that probably almost got me killed or altered my life permanently. So when I was in high school, I worked for this crazy security company.

This company did security for clubs around town buildings in the area in downtown Detroit. And this company took it upon themselves to secure the whole area so they would citizen arrest drug dealers. A lot of these guys had warrants. We just see these guys chase 'em down, tackle them, handcuff them, and then bring them to the police station or call the cops and have them pick 'em up.

And they would probably take credit for the arrest. But we didn't care 'cause Wow. Like whatever, get this violent criminal off the street. This

[01:00:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: is like a, A white hat militia.

[01:00:08] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, it actually was kind of a white hat militia in a way, now that I think about it. 'cause it was just like a bunch of dudes who were sort of playing vigilante in a lot of ways.

And it was pretty awesome, especially if you're a teenager. So through that work I met a lot of cops. Some were Detroit cops, some were in gang squad. Some of them were working with us too. So like, I don't even know if this is legal, but cops would be off duty and then they'd be like, oh, I wanna make 25 bucks an hour doing security under the table.

So they would hang out at the clubs with us. It was like when it was convenient for them to be a cop, they were a cop. And when it wasn't convenient for them to be a cop, they were just working security with us. I definitely like wild, they'd have their badge and their gun, but it would be like, oh, but I'm just working.

I don't know. Definitely probably not allowed.

[01:00:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: It was a shady gray area. Probably not

[01:00:51] Jordan Harbinger: allowed. Yeah. So these dudes were always like, oh man, you should come hang out with us more, dude. You should join Gang Squad. And I was like, I'm 16. And they're like, yeah, we need young people 'cause we're combating gangs.

Young people aren't gangs, man. It's the shit you get to carry a gun. And of course I was like, that's awesome. Wow. And I never ended up formally joining. 'cause of course there's all this stuff that you actually have to do, but they were like, don't worry about it. You can still work with us a little bit.

So I remember like getting in the car and hanging out with the gang squad guys and like going to eat with them and stuff. Oh my gosh. But then there was more, right. So one of the things they actually had me do, I had the week off, so I had like spring break or some sort of break. It was not the same break as Detroit schools had.

So I went to work a bunch and they were like, oh, you don't have to go to school, go to this school and it is a public Detroit high school. Go there this week, make friends with certain people and just try to buy drugs from them. So I did, I did that.

[01:01:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: They turned you into an undercover narcotics like plant, basically.

Yeah. Wow.

[01:01:48] Jordan Harbinger: But like with very little training, uh, uh, in how to handle this, and what was even more weird is the teachers were so, I, this is so sad. 2020 hindsight, but the teachers were so burned out. They were just kinda like, whatever you knew kid's not on my list. They weren't like, get outta here. 'cause I wasn't disruptive.

Right. So they were like, whatever. If you're gonna like pay attention and interact in class, I'll straighten it out with the principal later. I'm sure I'll get your forms later. Whatever it was, I just showed up. I bet you were an excellent student. You know it's funny, I was, I was like, guys, be quiet. This is interesting.

And then I would explain stuff to

[01:02:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: them and the teacher's like, thank you Jordan. Everyone's copying your homework. Meanwhile you're like, can you sell me a dime bag? Yeah.

[01:02:25] Jordan Harbinger: Meanwhile, I'm trying to get like illegal prescription drugs from the class clown. So I remember my spiel was like, okay, I moved here from West Bloomfield.

It's a wealthy suburb. I go back there all the time. I don't live there. Like I, of course I didn't really live in West Bloomfield. That was kind of near where I was from. And I was like, look, I'm looking for a connect. My friends can sell it over there. We can make so much money. And these kids, they were super into that of course.

So they sold me the drugs and I bought it with the money that the cops gave me. And I was like, Hey, can you gimme a ride back to my car? To the kids who sold me the drugs? And it was parked a few blocks away. And on the way to the car, the cops pulled us over and arrested all of us. And the drug dealers thought I was just another kid getting caught up in this bust.

Oh, wow. So a cop puts me in a squad car alone, and then just later drops me off at my car like several hours later.

[01:03:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dropped you off at your car. Wow. That's so cinematic.

[01:03:14] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. They left my car there for like five or six hours. I'm like, am I gonna get towed Uhhuh? And they're like, don't worry. Uh, you don't.

What you don't wanna do is walk back to your car. Yeah. You're, don't worry about the tickets. Yeah. And they're like, if you get a ticket, call us. We'll take care of it. But like, Mm-Hmm. It's Detroit. So you, you didn't get a ticket. And I just, I thought it would be fun to bust drug dealers and, and it was exciting.

Of course. Now I have a very different lens on drug charges and who the police target. Mm. By the way, these kids were not selling meth or anything. This is mostly weed. I think there might've been some other stuff, but it was like Adderall. It wasn't like, you know, something super, super hard. Mm-Hmm. Here's the thing though.

There was no paperwork for any of this stuff. I didn't file any forms. I wasn't hired. I didn't get paid only as an adult. Just recently, 2020 hindsight do I realize this was almost certainly some kind of, I don't know if vendetta is the right word, but I think these cops knew that those kids were drug dealers and they just had like no evidence.

They had no will from whatever to do an actual undercover operation. So they basically just sent me this unknown kid to go nail them. And I was used as a pawn because then it's just like, yeah, we pulled this car over for an improper lane change and look, we found all these drugs and then they probably just didn't write my name in the arrest report.

[01:04:25] Gabriel Mizrahi: This is the definition of an off the books confidential informant slash plant. A hundred percent. But you had no coverage. There was nothing protecting you.

[01:04:33] Jordan Harbinger: No. That's the thing. If anything had gone sideways, if we'd been arrested by other cops or something, or I got hurt because somebody started, I don't know, shooting, or they decided they, they became suspicious of me.

There would've been no record that I was working the police at all. God. So shady. So shady. So my boss at the security company found out and he was like, you did what with those guys? He's like, never do that again. Even though he worked with some of those guys and he told them, he's like, do not have, Jordan is not doing this crap with you guys.

Do not do this. Yeah. He works for my militia guys, right? He works for my militia, not yours. Not the one where you actually have badges. So there was, man, there was so much shady stuff going on with these cops. Another example, I'll keep it quick. In the residential buildings that the company did security for, we would open the doors of the apartments of the known drug dealers in the building.

'cause we worked for the landlord. So basically we'd just like wait until we knew that they weren't home or thought they weren't home and the cops would just go in there and go ham because the cops can't kick down the door. They don't have a warrant. But if it's like the landlord opens the door and is like, I see drugs out on the table and there's weapons.

One day we walked into an apartment, TV was still on random drugs and paraphernalia on the table. Not like being used but being counted. So bags scale, whatever. There's a Mac 10, which I'd never seen in real life, which is like a shitty, like gangster pistol. They found a bunch of drugs, a bunch of money, and I, I will never forget this, the cops, we all had cargo pants on, including the cops.

They just shoved the cash in their pockets and took the drugs. Oh man. And with the weed, they made everyone take some of the weed, including me. I was like, why are they giving me weed? I don't want this. And they were like, take it, take it, take it. And then afterwards I was like, why are they so insistent that I take the weed?

Don't they want the weed? I'm gonna throw it away. And they were like, no, if everyone takes it, everyone is equally culpable. Oh my God. So I was like, I don't want this. My boss was like, no, everybody who got weed in their pocket, throw it away now and wash your uniform because we don't want a bud in your pocket when you're, you know the drug dogs come to our club tomorrow.

You know, they're gonna sniff you guys. You're gonna get searched by the cops. Like get rid of all of this. So I remember we were all like in the office basically like stripping and turning our pants over so all the little buds and seeds would fall out and we had to vacuum the floor. This is this just such ridiculous nonsense.

So my boss didn't complain or anything. Some of these cops moonlighted for the security company, like I said, and the security company and the cops. We had this kind of cozy ish relationship and the security company wanted the drug dealers outta the neighborhood. So everybody kind of had an incentive to play along and it, it is, I'm so lucky I did not get shot when I was younger.

[01:06:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. This is insane. You are describing stuff that's literally in the wire, but happening to a 16-year-old kid. Yeah, 16, 17. Who's going to school and being normal. That's so crazy. How do you get yourself into these situations?

[01:07:09] Jordan Harbinger: You know? Also that precinct ended up getting, I don't wanna say shut down, but I remember there was just big corruption investigations going on.

I'm sure. And I told my boss about it 'cause I saw it in the newspaper and he was like, yeah, it's about time. He's like, that precinct is crazy corrupt. 'cause sometimes we would arrest drug dealers and the cops would come and they would never, we'd see him again a day later and they'd be like, yeah, they didn't even take me in.

And we're like, wait, wait, what? And we'd call and they'd be like, oh yeah, nobody booked him. It's like, so they let him go. Why would they let a drug dealer go that they were looking for that's wanted, oh, he probably had $500 in his pocket and he gave it to them and they let him go.

[01:07:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: I am sure that what you saw was the tip of the iceberg.

[01:07:48] Jordan Harbinger: Yes. Crazy. So go back and check out Mike Feldstein on Air Quality and our Skeptical Sunday on squatters. If you haven't done so yet, the best things that have happened to my life in business have come through my network. The circle of people I know, like, and trust. I'm teaching you how to build that same thing for free on the Thinkific platform over@sixminutenetworking.com.

The drills take a few minutes a day. Really gotta take that well before you get thirsty. Folks, we talked about that earlier in the show. Here again@sixminutenetworking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show, all at Jordan harbinger.com/deals.

I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn, Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Foggerty. Of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show besides you just heard that story. My judgment is terrible. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. Ever wondered if that super self-centered person is just really into themselves or is actually a narcissist? Join us on episode 2 46. As Wendy Bahari, the author of Disarming the Narcissist, dives into how to tell the difference why it seems like narcissism is on the rise and how it shows up differently in guys and gals.

[01:09:16] Clip: The malignant narcissist has often referred to someone who may be tipping the edge of psychopathy or sociopathy, where they're almost a little too much relishing in the pleasure of power and bringing pain to someone else as a form of their power and their specialness. Someone who is just in that most severe category, and again, you can picture them scheming in ways that bring pleasure just from the pain that it's creating for another person, and that's more in the psychopathic realm.

It can also, but not always include abuse in the form of physical violence, sexual assault, sexual acting out, emotional abuse, different from what I think of as classic narcissism, where they'll hurt you. They can be very insulting and demeaning and controlling and threatening, but. The motivational driver isn't hurt.

They don't want to hurt. What they want to do is protect themselves, defend their egos, and they'll do whatever it takes to make that happen, including hurting you. Feeling entitled to act out without any remorse. Entitlement really captures it almost like the hallmark trade of narcissism. They feel incredibly entitled to say what?

Do what, act as if under any conditions no matter what. They always have a justification for their sense of entitlement to do as they please

[01:10:44] Jordan Harbinger: for some solid tips on handling narcissists and why a little narcissism might not be such a bad thing for you. Check out episode 2 46 on the Jordan Harbinger Show.