Religious pressure to forgive meets decades-old family assault. When the perpetrator has wealth but won’t aid healing, what’s next? It’s Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Your cousin and her daughter were both sexually assaulted by members of the same family, decades apart. Now the perpetrator is wealthy, dismissive, and unwilling to help with therapy costs while flaunting his success. There’s a complex web of family dynamics and religious pressure to “forgive and forget” — but should justice have an expiration date? [Thanks to attorney Corbin Payne for helping us answer this one!]
- You’re facing a performance review where you’ll need to discuss a new company protocol that’s making your work less efficient and more demanding. The change wasn’t your supervisor’s call, but you’ll have to navigate this diplomatic minefield carefully. How do you voice concerns without burning bridges?
- Your brother lives five minutes away but weaponizes access to your beloved niece, only allowing visits when it suits him. He claims you’re “obsessed” with her and don’t care about him — though your relationship was strained long before she arrived. Is there a solution you’re not seeing, or are you destined to watch her grow up from a distance?
- Recommendation of the Week: The Sun-a-Wear UV Tracker
- Your tech startup is opening a new office in your hometown, presenting a golden opportunity for growth. But as you attend networking events filled with CTOs and investors, imposter syndrome is hitting hard. You want to make meaningful connections but feel you have nothing to offer these power players. Could you be more valuable than you think?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Please Scroll Down for Featured Resources and Transcript!
Please note that some of the links on this page (books, movies, music, etc.) lead to affiliate programs for which The Jordan Harbinger Show receives compensation. It’s just one of the ways we keep the lights on around here. Thank you for your support!
- Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!
- Subscribe to our once-a-week Wee Bit Wiser newsletter today and start filling your Wednesdays with wisdom!
- Do you even Reddit, bro? Join us at r/JordanHarbinger!
This Episode Is Sponsored By:
- Rosetta Stone: Visit rosettastone.com/jordan for 50% off a lifetime membership
- Audible: Visit audible.com/jhs or text JHS to 500-500
- Land Rover Defender: Build your Defender at landroverusa.com
- Homes.com: Visit Homes.com to find a home in a neighborhood you love
Did you miss our conversation with the most decorated American Winter Olympian of all time? Catch up with episode 783: Apolo Ohno | Embracing Change and Finding Purpose here!
Resources from This Episode:
- Rex Kwon Do (Clip) | Napoleon Dynamite
- Marcel Dirsus | How Tyrants Fall and Nations Survive | Jordan Harbinger
- College vs. Trades | Skeptical Sunday | Jordan Harbinger
- Mapping the Damage in Los Angeles from the Eaton and Palisades Fires | Los Angeles Times
- Saving Private Ryan | Prime Video
- Lost Our House… | Kevin Rose, Instagram
- Droves of Abandoned Cars Line Streets of Pacific Palisades | CBS Los Angeles
- Cars Abandoned and Burned in the Mass Exodus to Escape the Pacific Palisades Fire | NBC New York
- The Last of Us | HBO
- The Highest Quality Air Purifier That Actually Works | Jaspr
- Governor Newsom Signs Executive Order to Help Los Angeles Rebuild Faster and Stronger | Governor of California
- LA Mayor Bass Is Silent When Asked to Respond to Criticism over Handling of Wildfires | AP
- Climate ‘Whiplash’ Linked to Raging LA Fires | BBC
- Reflections on Post 9/11 Unity | Public Square Magazine
- A Place for My Stuff | George Carlin
- When Forgiveness Teaching is Harmful | Defined By God
- Corbin Payne | Twitter
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: Confidential 24/7 Support | RAINN
- Sexual Assault Survivors’ Resources | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)
- Resources for Survivors | Johns Hopkins
- Sanctioned Spank Sparks Sibling Split | Feedback Friday | Jordan Harbinger
- The Revolutionary UV Tracker | Sun-a-Wear
- How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome | Deep Dive | Jordan Harbinger
1104: Rich Abuser Admits Crime But Won't Spare a Dime | Feedback Friday
This transcript is yet untouched by human hands. Please proceed with caution as we sort through what the robots have given us. We appreciate your patience!
[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my co-conspirator and consultation cutting through these cosmic life conundrum, Gabriel Mizrahi on the Jordan Harbinger Show. We decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people.
Sorry, I'm just laughing at the guy who said I looked like a middle-aged lesbian with my new haircut. This was...
[00:00:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yesterday, right? Oh man. Yeah.
[00:00:31] Jordan Harbinger: I don't even know. Actually. It was just somebody who was like trying to be a jerk on my Instagram profile and I just thought, wow, that was actually really funny. He was annoyed that I found it funny instead of insulting, but whatever.
That's his problem. I do love that our, our fans are roasting you a little bit. No, this, I think this is actually an unan. Who cares? Whatever you're here for my entertainment now.
[00:00:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: You don't get called a PE teacher in the 1980s very often. No.
[00:00:57] Jordan Harbinger: Bow your sensei. Bow your sensei. That's what that reminds me of. I need those American flag skids.
That was special. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback Friday, producer Mike, co-conspirator and consultation cutting through these cosmic life conundrum, Gabriel Rahi on the Jordan Harbinger Show. We decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.
And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, national security advisors, astronauts, generals, rocket scientists, fortune 500 CEOs. Music moguls. This week we had Marcel Duris on how tyrants fall.
This is about dictators, how they stay in power, how they end up going out of power. Usually not a very good situation for them. We dive into the specifics of how this all works, very apropos with the whole Syria thing, but also North Korea and Belarus and Russia. There's a lot going on with the dictators even in 2025.
It's kind of amazing. It's almost like the default government is not democracy. On Fridays though, we share stories, take listener letters, iterate way too much. I feel like I should have obliterated there and generally stand in awe of the strange and profound ways that life slaps us upside the head.
Speaking of which, Gabe, you live in la My former home, A place I, well, I would say I love, I have mixed feelings, but I feel like I have to say now that I love it. But for the past 10 days, you guys have been experiencing these absolutely insane wildfires. I'm trying to find the right words. It's been heartbreaking.
I. To watch from a distance, and I can't even imagine what it must be like to live in LA right now to give people, uh, if you haven't seen the news as of this recording, the Palisades fire on the west side, which is the, is that the one that's nearest to you, by the way? Yeah,
[00:02:41] Gabriel Mizrahi: that's the one that's about a mile, mile and a half from me.
[00:02:44] Jordan Harbinger: So that's. Like 20% contained. And by the way, people think that means it's 20% out. No, that means there's a trench or a gap or whatever, around 20% of it. So it's, it's still burning and it's just not even close to contained the Eaton fire on the east side, that's still going as well. Last I checked, that was something like 11% contained, maybe slightly more.
Now the winds have picked up again, and I hear that everybody's essentially prepared for this to get worse because the wind spreads the fire. And I know a lot of our listeners have been following the news as well. So I, I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in, talk about what's happening.
Everybody thinks that I live in LA or that California is small, so they're asking me if I'm okay. But you're the one that, that is kind of in the middle or close to the edge of, I should say the danger zone. So how are you holding up?
[00:03:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay, bud. Thank you. It's been probably the weirdest week in LA as far as I can remember.
Things are, yeah, they're very scary. It's, it is apocalyptic. It is. Just it, you, it's just a lot, a lot of trite cliches, you know, like no words. It's just mm-hmm. Yeah. The fires do not affect me directly. I'm okay, but everyone here is deeply shaken by what happened in the Palisades and Altadena.
[00:03:56] Jordan Harbinger: When I saw the Palisades, I've got a bunch of friends that live there.
It looks like something out of Saving Private Ryan or what? They're, they're wiped out. I was like, this can't be real. I was like, what? That's just a part of the Palisade. I never thought something like this would happen. The whole thing, it's just gone.
[00:04:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: No one did it. It's insane. The Palisades, for anyone who doesn't know, is a really beautiful neighborhood.
It's just north of Santa Monica. It's super charming, and it's like tucked into the hills and now it's just, it's gone. It's just steel and ash. Dude, it, it looks like the donbas region of Ukraine or something. It is. It's extremely eerie.
[00:04:32] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I was gonna say before it looks, it looks like mariupol. I was trying to remember the, the word, it really does look like a war zone.
It's a, it's a super nice area. And several of my friends had, well they had their homes there and they're all gone now and they're just like, yeah, we're in San Francisco staying at a hotel. I'm like, you better buy that hotel room 'cause where are you gonna live?
[00:04:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. So my cousin, Cece and Bob live there.
Their house is gone. My friend Patty, she and her family had a house on the beach in Malibu that's gone. My therapist lost her house. One of my colleagues lost two homes in the Palisades, a couple friends of mine. Their house was saved by the firefighters, but it's unlivable and their neighborhood is like decimated.
It is devastating. There are no words. I can't even imagine what this must be like for people who have lost their homes and also not just the people, all of the animals who are affected by these fires, you know, they're displaced and heard and confused honestly, that I, I have a hard time. Sitting with and thinking about because it's so sad.
[00:05:31] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. It, it really does defy words. Like I said, like many of you know, I lived in LA for a while, so I can kind of wrap my head around what it must be like. But for people who don't live there, the Palisades Fire alone has burned 23,000 acres so far. It's gonna burn a lot more. Of course, the entire island of Manhattan is about 14,600 acres.
So that's, just to put this in perspective, more than the entire island of Manhattan has burned and it's, it's gonna end up being a multiple of that. And all the fires in LA put together have burned more than 40,000 acres, which is just slightly bigger than Washington DC and at least 24. It mirrored miraculously, and I, I say this in, in sort of radio air quotes, only 24 people have died, but 12,000 homes have been destroyed.
And it's just the scale of this is, is biblical.
[00:06:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: It is biblical. It's very primitive. You know, my sense is that a lot of people in la, at least the ones on the west side where I live, we've kind of been woken up by this fire in a really interesting way, at least for the moment. You know, obviously a natural disaster or a tragedy always shocks people.
It puts things in perspective. It makes you realize what matters most and all of that. But a lot of us live in a very happy bubble most of the time. You know, it's so peaceful. It's comfortable. We feel secure. Look, our city has tons of problems clearly, but in the decent parts of town, it functions more or less, okay, we're all going to work.
We're gonna the gym, we're gonna the beach, or whatever. It's just, we're lost in how lovely it is to live in Los Angeles a lot of the time. But this fire is laying bare some very disturbing facts and not just about how our city is run, which is gonna be a huge conversation. Not just about, you know, why these natural disasters are increasingly common, which is a whole other conversation, but really about, you know, how fragile and vulnerable our lives actually are.
[00:07:28] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's what I've been thinking about a lot this week, just how incredibly exposed we are as human beings in ways that we frankly just don't really wanna admit.
[00:07:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, not at all. I mean, like, dude, just wrap your head around this like one second, you're chilling in your house, everything's fine. It's a beautiful day.
You know, you paid your fire insurance that month or whatever, and a few hours later you're ditching your car on the side of the road and literally running down the highway, you know, with your cat or your child in one arm, in a duffle bag with a couple outfits in the other because the fire is moving toward you so fast that you will die if you sit in traffic and then a few hours after that, like everything, you own your home, everything is gone.
Ugh,
[00:08:12] Jordan Harbinger: man, that's so intense. And it doesn't, doesn't matter how much money you have, how safe your neighborhood is. How nice your car is. It's nothing. It's nothing compared to nature. One, one of my friends, I said, how are you doing? He's like, I'm trying to find, my house is still there. Uh, our friend Kevin Rose lost his house and he's like, yeah, well I'm trying to find someone who will go to my house, like drive through the Palisades fire, go to his house, get a pump, shove the hose in his pool and try to save his house.
I don't know if he succeeded. I'm afraid to check in with some of my friends 'cause I don't wanna be the 100th person today being like, is your house still there? Um, I doubt that he managed to do that on short notice using his phone. It just seems like an impossible task. Uh, hard, hard to say. It's just
[00:08:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: crazy.
I don't know. I do think that most people have been through this appreciated check-in, so don't be afraid to do that. But the fire just takes whatever it wants. It doesn't care, you know, about your pool or your career or your insurance policy or whatever you are just. Powerless.
[00:09:06] Jordan Harbinger: By the way. Those photos of the cars left on the side of the road on Sunset Boulevard.
These bulldozers had to push them outta the way to create a fire lane for the firefighters. And that was one of the most haunting images that I've ever seen. This is like a scene from the last of us or something. Just imagine everybody getting outta their cars to run from, you know, the pandemic or the aliens or whatever.
And the military just bulldozes them outta the way so they get emergency vehicles through. It's absolutely nuts. Tell me about it, dude.
[00:09:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: I know there are crazy stories of people trying to drive away and then they look over and all of a sudden there's fire next to their car and there are policemen like banging on their windows, yelling at them.
Just get out, run. Just run. Oh, they have to run. Oh man.
[00:09:42] Jordan Harbinger: It's, it's surreal. We're not, our brains are not wrapped around this level of. Discomfort in emergency here in, in the United States. So you're okay. I know a lot of our listeners have reached out asking the subreddit, had multiple threads asking if we were okay.
Especially you,
[00:09:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: which has been so sweet, and I cannot tell you guys how much I appreciate that. Thank you so much for your dms and your emails. They really, really, really mean a lot to me. I'm okay. I'm in my apartment. I'm good. Uh, the air is not good. There's this
[00:10:10] Jordan Harbinger: episodes sponsored by Jasper Air Filter. No, truly.
[00:10:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Seriously. It's gotta like 200
[00:10:15] Jordan Harbinger: level that Jasper would be coughing if it was over there right now. Yeah.
[00:10:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: Are you stuck in a biblical conflagration? Um, no, but it's, it's creepy man. There's ash raining down. I haven't been outside very much because I don't wanna breathe the air, but I'm okay. I'm okay.
Thank you. I'm just heartbroken. You know?
[00:10:33] Jordan Harbinger: I can only imagine. I'm curious to see what the recovery process is gonna look like for la, how many years it's gonna take to rebuild. Do people even want to rebuild? Knowing what can happen in these places? How are the insurance companies gonna pay out? And also the permitting process in LA is a nightmare.
Are they going to speed that up at all or is it just gonna take 15 years for people to rebuild their house?
[00:10:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: You know, I am really not very educated about that stuff. I'm starting to read more, which I, this whole thing is also making me rethink what I consume and how I need to educate myself about LA if I'm gonna live here.
But yeah, that's a really interesting debate that's playing out right now because people are going back and forth on whether they need to relax the restrictions around rebuilding so that people can rebuild their homes and get their neighborhoods back, and hopefully do it quickly. There's another camp that's saying, no, we need to make these restrictions even more stringent.
We need to raise the standards so that if there's ever a fire again, we can build in a way that doesn't cause as much destruction. I don't know what the answer is, but that is one thing people are debating hotly at the moment. So yeah, the, the complexity of this problem is staggering and the insurance piece of this is gonna be huge.
That is a hot mess. The state is already getting involved in all that. I think they are going to rebuild at least the Palisades as quickly as possible because the city can't have car kiv right next to Malibu. It's just not gonna happen. I did see that they already have construction equipment arriving there, which is encouraging I guess, but it is going to be a very, very long road back, I mean, years I'm afraid.
So,
[00:12:04] Jordan Harbinger: yeah, I, I'm afraid so. And I also think heads are gonna roll and LA is definitely getting a new mayor. I mean, buy, buy career after cutting the fire budget and then being abroad when the fire started after saying you weren't gonna go abroad. Good guy. Not a great look. Bye-bye job. And maybe we'll get a new governor as well, but we'll see.
I don't really follow local politics, especially down there, but it just, it doesn't seem like this was well managed. And I, I think I, there was an interview I saw where somebody asked her a question, like, what are you gonna do about this? And she just paused and stared at the wall and I was like, you are finished.
[00:12:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: It was such a strange moment. I was like, is she freezing up because she doesn't wanna play this game with the reporters? Or is she so freaked out about what's happening? She's just dissociated. Yeah. I don't know what to make of that cliff. It was weird.
[00:12:46] Jordan Harbinger: That was the opposite of a person you want in a crisis is somebody who has fight, flight or freeze and just freezes.
It's like, Hey man, this is the easy part. You're answering questions for journalists. This isn't really like real work, pal. You need to get on it. So, okay. We're gonna get to the letters here in just a second. But any big takeaways from this experience so far? Or is everybody just in survival mode right now?
[00:13:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: I am still wrapping my head around it, to be honest. It is hard to know what conclusions to draw, frankly. But I, I can say that these fires are monumental and they're monumental, not just for la but I think for our planet. For our civilization. Again, I really do not, I'm not educated enough to know precisely why they happen or what to do about them, or what the solution looks like, but.
The planet is obviously speaking to us in some way that we have to at least try to understand. I don't think that's a controversial statement, and obviously a lot of good people are trying to understand it, but this week has made me sit up and pay attention to how we take care of this land that we live on because it is everything
[00:13:48] Jordan Harbinger: for sure.
I mean, look, LA was always a crazy place to build a city in the first place, but if you're gonna have a city there, it's gotta be done responsibly. And that just does not seem to be what happened at all.
[00:13:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: No, uh, but there's also another argument to be made for the fact that you might be able to prepare perfectly and make sure there's enough water and all the right resources.
And it's still not, might not be enough to contend with what seemed to be the effects of climate change in major cities, but I do think all of this is gonna affect the way people vote, the way people donate, the way they make plans. At least I hope it will. But really today, while we talk, what I'm most in touch with is just this feeling of.
Powerlessness in the face of events like this. You know, things get really bad sometimes, and there's just no choice but to surrender to them, which is something we talk about on feedback Friday all the time. And then do whatever you can. It's like you said a moment ago, we are so vulnerable, you know? And we don't know it, or we don't wanna admit it because it's terrifying.
But it is so obvious this week that we operate, most of us, including me, under this illusion of control. But that is just denial, right? And it takes a tragedy, whether it's a natural disaster or a terror attack or an accident, whatever it is, to puncture that illusion
[00:15:06] Jordan Harbinger: quickly, right? Or that delusion, I imagine it's kind of like how New York felt after nine 11.
They're very different tragedies, of course. Very different, but. That feeling of vulnerability and then what it brings out of people. It's just, it's powerful.
[00:15:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: It is very profound, and that's the flip side of the pain that people here are in right now. Everybody is being so kind. I mean, everywhere I go, people are being uncharacteristically gentle, respectful, like people are looking each other in the eye, you know, more.
They're asking how they're, you know, how are you, what are you, were you affected? Are you okay? There's, people are speaking more softly, which is interesting. They're driving a little bit more slowly. They're volunteering and donating, which is very, very touching to see, but it is this weird twin feeling of like this pit in your stomach, you know, anxiety and, and anger and deep sadness, and then this feeling of surrender and connection and love and the, they're like right on top of each other.
That's my experience anyway.
[00:16:05] Jordan Harbinger: Not to be a wet blanket,
[00:16:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: but I'm curious how long that lasts in la I know, I know. I was thinking about that too. I am pretty sad about how quickly people are gonna forget about all this and move on. Exactly. I really want to try to hang on to this, this renewed awareness of how the world works and, and what really matters because the other way doesn't feel right.
[00:16:25] Jordan Harbinger: That's the cultural equivalent of when you go to like Europe or Argentina for, and you're like, I kiss people on the cheek now and then like for a month you're doing that. You're trying to force it among your friend circle and everyone's like, what are you doing? We're not kissing, we don't kiss. This is America.
So look, I don't, I don't want to, again, I don't want to be a sourpuss, but I, it's just one of those things that these events bring people together and then eventually people treat each other like crap again in cities. That's just how it roll. Yeah, I hope not, but um, look, I, I don't know about you, but I'm looking at a lot of this and I'm thinking, you are not your stuff.
[00:16:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: You are not your stuff, which is easy for me to say 'cause my house didn't burn down. Well, same, but you're right. You are not your stuff. You're not your house. You're not your. Money. Your body, your mind, and your heart. That's what you have and the relationships you have, and that's ultimately it.
[00:17:11] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, a hundred percent.
I know it's so obvious that it's literally just a crappy cliche, I suppose, but it's a cliche because it's true. Ultimately, all we have is ourselves and one another, and everything else is just window dressing, beautiful window dressing, but it's not us really. When the shit hits the fan,
[00:17:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: the lessons of this fire, politically, psychologically, spiritually, what I think it might be here to teach us are so important.
And so I'm just asking myself like, how do I make sure I do that?
[00:17:41] Jordan Harbinger: Of course. But yeah, that's hard to do. You know, we all have lives, we have responsibilities. These memories fade. But I'm with you. We have to keep these stories alive in some way. It's, it'd be a shame if nothing positive came out of this
[00:17:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: for people.
Well, right. I mean, otherwise, why do these things happen? You know, why do we experience loss? Why do we go through suffering? Why do things break down? Uh, look, I'm with you. I feel uneasy talking about this when it wasn't my house that burned down. I would probably be falling apart if this happened to me, and who knows what lessons I would be taking away if this were my life.
But just watching it happen to people I know is opening my eyes to something that I've just been fortunate enough to not have to confront, but also in a weird way. And I, I hope this makes sense, but it, I also weirdly feel fortunate to be seeing it clearly now for the first time, because I understand that a disaster like this could easily happen to me.
It could happen to any of us. In fact, it looks like it might be happening more and more. So it seems to me that we ignore that illusion at our own peril. So for my part, I just don't wanna forget. And yeah, thank you for wanting to talk about it today. It helps me to say this out loud and make it real for myself.
In an ideal world, I would like to keep this experience alive when things go back to normal so that I can live with more perspective, more gratitude, more care. And I know it's not easy, but I'd like to do it. And if we can't do that. I do worry that we will have missed something really important from this experience.
[00:19:11] Jordan Harbinger: Amen, man. Then that's something I'm taking in over here as well. Well, look, I am glad you're safe because you know you have a lot of work to do. No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm glad you're safe. I'm so sorry about of course, your family and your friends and your colleagues, and I hope that they're holding up okay. I really do hope everybody recovers as quickly as possible.
I hope the winds die down. I hope the fires end soon. I hope the land and the people and all the animals heal soon. But that's, it just sounds like a ridiculous, trite, wishful thinking when I say all that. I do hope we get the leaders we need in California to rebuild and live responsibly at this very complicated moment in history.
So, man, sending lots of love to LA right now and to everyone affected by this disaster. And thank you again to all of you for being such thoughtful listeners. Checking in on us, checking in on Gabe especially just one more moment that makes me step back and go, man, our show family is really special. We really appreciate it a lot.
Every ad pivot, by the way that I thought of here is truly tasteless, but you know that we have great taste in our sponsors and the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Rosetta Stone. 2025 is a new year. Why not learn a new language this year?
It's not just a fun skill. It's actually one of the best ways to keep your mind sharp. I've been speaking German, Mandarin, and really terrible Spanish for years. Now I'm diving into Russian, and let me tell you, every language you learn opens up new doors and keeps your brain firing on all cylinders. If you're wondering where to start, Rosetta Stone makes it super easy.
They've been the language learning experts for over 30 years, and their system is designed to really immerse you in the language. You don't just memorize words. You start thinking in the language, which makes it stick long term. One of the features I love is their true accent technology, which gives you real time feedback on your pronunciation.
So whether you're trying to roll your R'S in Spanish or tackle Russian's, tricky sounds, it's like having a personal accent coach in your pocket, and it's flexible. You can learn on your phone, tablet, desktop, anytime, anywhere, perfect for busy schedules. Plus, with their lifetime membership, you get access to all 25 languages forever.
Right now, you can get that lifetime membership for 50% off, which is a pretty darn good deal. So if you're ready to keep your brain sharp and learn a skill that can take you around the world, check out Rosetta Stone. I.
[00:21:22] Jen Harbinger: Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. Our listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership For 50% off, visit rosetta stone.com/jordan.
That's 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off@rosettastone.com slash Jordan today.
[00:21:41] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored in part by Audible. Hey, so this new year, I got a thought. Why not expand your life by listening, I mean you're doing it right now. Seriously let Audible be your secret weapon for personal growth, relaxation, or even just a little entertainment.
Kinda like this podcast, they've got over a million audio books. They've got podcasts like this one exclusive audible originals, all packed in one easy to use app. And here's the cool part. Whatever you're into, there's something for you. You want to tap into better health. You can find expert advice on fitness, nutrition, even how to finally relax, which I think we can all get behind.
Or maybe it's time to level up your relationships, whether it's at work or at home. And if you're thinking about making a career move or getting smarter about your finances, there are listens for that too. The best part, it's all about starting good habits and making those positive changes that you've been meaning to make.
Audible is basically like having a coach, a mentor, and a storyteller in your pocket ready to help you crush your goals. So why not start today? Audible is offering a free 30 day trial, so there's no reason not to check it out. Head on over to audible.com/jhs and start listening. Who knows what you might discover.
Thank you for listening and supporting the show. It is your support of our sponsors that keeps the lights on around here. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable. Over at Jordan harbinger.com/deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now back to feedback Friday.
Before we kick off, I wanna share a little exercise that I've been doing recently. That has helped me a lot actually. It's simple. It's called
[00:23:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: hot yoga. I'm
[00:23:08] Jordan Harbinger: just gonna, no, I'm just gonna steal the punchline. Just shredded, just to torn outta my hands. It's simple, but it's very powerful. This exercise begins by asking yourself, who brings out my best qualities?
Think of those people, their people, not what brings out my best qualities, who brings out my best qualities? Think of those people. Write 'em down. Then take five minutes right now and schedule some time with them. It can be a phone call. You could shoot 'em a text. It can be something more involved like lunch or dinner.
You could go for a hike, whatever it is, and just kick it with that person. Even if they live a couple states away, arrange something with them. You will feel a lot better for it. As I get older, I just really appreciate more and more that these relationships, the ones that bring out our best qualities, they really are one of the great gifts of life.
They're assets that can refill our bucket from work responsibilities, other stressors. They remind us of the best version of ourselves. And they reinforce those qualities and then we can take those into the rest of our relationships and responsibilities. And you are that person for other people too. So give it a go.
It's ridiculously easy, but like I said, it's very powerful. Alright, we got some fun ones. We got the doozies. And by the way, I think our first question here is a little difficult. It deals with abuse, some pretty dark family stuff, so just keep that in mind and yeah, Gabe, take it away.
[00:24:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, 60 years ago when my cousin was a child, she was sexually assaulted by her stepfather at the time.
Her mother disregarded the incident and it was never discussed until the stepfather's death. Fast forward 20 years. My cousin had a three-year-old daughter, let's call her Sarah, who during an emergency was being watched by her uncle, let's call him Frank, who's my cousin's stepbrother, and the son of her abuser.
There was an incident of sexual assault.
[00:25:02] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, pause for a second. I wanna make sure we're all tracking this. 'cause the family tree is complicated, so it is. This listener's cousin was abused by her stepfather when she was a kid, which is shockingly common actually.
[00:25:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yes. 60 years ago.
[00:25:16] Jordan Harbinger: And then 20 years later, her 3-year-old daughter is abused by her abuser's
[00:25:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: son.
Exactly. Who's the daughter's uncle. And the mom's stepbrother. Geez. Okay. This
[00:25:27] Jordan Harbinger: is so sad. Talk about a pattern, talk about generational trauma. This is really awful. But also, sorry not to point fingers or make this worse in anyway. I know that this is gonna be controversial, but why would you put the son of your abuser in charge of your toddler daughter after what happened to you?
[00:25:46] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I'm not sure it's fair to say that the children of abusers are always gonna be abusers themselves, so maybe it didn't even occur to the mom.
[00:25:52] Jordan Harbinger: Look, I hear that. I really do. I know this is probably a little, what's the word? Presumptuous of me to say so early on, but still just the proximity to the person who abused her.
That would be enough to give me pause as a parent. Like, oh, this guy seems all right. But I don't know. His dad raped me. I wouldn't wanna be anywhere around anybody. Yeah,
[00:26:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: no, it's a fair question. I can't even imagine what Sarah's mom must have felt when she found out. This is like devastating.
[00:26:19] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that must have been horrible.
It's horrible enough to find out that your child was abused, but I'm sure it brings up a unique pain if you've been through it yourself,
[00:26:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: and it's the child or the person to your point, who did it to you,
[00:26:28] Jordan Harbinger: and you are the one who put them in the same room. It's not like you left it with your grandma and then she left and put them in charge, and it's like, what were you thinking?
You did this. So there's a lot of levels of pain here. She must have been furious and horrified. It's just deeply sad. How is this happening all over again? Also if the son of the first abuser is now abusing other people, I guess I can only really imagine what his father did to him.
[00:26:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: I was wondering about that too.
That can't be a coincidence. We should circle back to that.
[00:26:54] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Look, this is dark and I'm so sorry this happened to both of them.
[00:27:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: So she goes on, my cousin immediately recognized something was wrong and put the pieces together. She confronted her brother and he denied everything. She then confronted her mother who denied it could possibly be true.
[00:27:13] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, so this is the same mother who disregarded the original abuse? Yes. This is a person who just like can't handle anything uncomfortable for themselves, I'm guessing. So the worst what? A failure of a mother. Just a, an abject failure. Just burying her head in the sand. Oh, this can't possibly be true.
This stuff doesn't happen in our family. I. Can't with people like this, it is not okay. What? You're just prioritizing your own comfort over your daughter's physical safety. I hate this person. I'm sorry.
[00:27:45] Gabriel Mizrahi: Ridiculous. That denial continued for over 10 years. My cousin never allowed any contact between Frank and Sarah after that, but they would be together at family gatherings.
[00:27:55] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, so they did have contact. Some contacting, apparently
[00:27:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: no contact except for all the family parties and dinners and lunches and, yeah. Yeah. I mean, one-on-ones, but yeah, so much going on here already. So she goes on. At the time, a counselor, they saw discouraged counseling because quote, memories were not formed at that age unquote, and quote, they didn't wanna put something in her head.
[00:28:15] Jordan Harbinger: Mm, okay. I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how trauma works. Famously not, but who knows how Sarah was presenting at that time. So maybe there's some other logic here. What a strange detail.
[00:28:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. I guess it's hard with children, maybe. It's hard to know what's there, and you don't want to provoke them or insert a memory that might, I don't, you don't wanna
[00:28:34] Jordan Harbinger: insert a memory, but there's still trauma there, so it doesn't matter if she remembers it or not,
[00:28:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: it happened.
Right. And I think memories do get formed at early ages. I think we know that now. So anyway, she goes on. Then 10 years later, as an adult, Frank confessed to what he did. He had gone through counseling and soul searching and admitted everything the mother had suspected. He justified it as pubescent curiosity more than assault.
My aunt, his mother, basically told her daughter and granddaughter, who's now a teenager. That it was their responsibility to forgive and move on. What's done is done. They're a religious family and taught to forgive.
[00:29:11] Jordan Harbinger: Look, I'm biting my tongue right now. Nothing I want to say here is appropriate. We gotta come back to this
[00:29:16] Gabriel Mizrahi: 40 years later.
Sarah is a beautiful, intelligent, talented, athletic, and successful adult with an advanced degree. She's deeply spiritual and has many friends, but she's never been able to trust men enough to have a lasting relationship. All she ever wanted was to become a wife and a mother, and she's had many suitors.
But when a relationship got to a certain point, she couldn't advance to some degree, her life was destroyed by that incident. Oh man. So sad. I am so angry. Meanwhile, Frank is extremely successful and extremely well off. When asked by his sister, Sarah's mother, if he would help pay for some ongoing counseling for his niece, his response was, she should get over it.
That was a long time ago. He's unwilling to help her in any way, but he still feels he should be openly accepted and highly regarded by the family. For his success, he flaunts his money and power quite a bit. To complicate matters, he has a daughter who was involved in drugs and child endangerment. That woman's daughter, Frank's five-year-old granddaughter, was taken away from her by the courts.
Frank begged his nephews and his niece, Sarah's sister, to foster his grandchild so he could continue to have a relationship with her.
[00:30:27] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, so Pedophile Rapist has a daughter that's involved in drugs and child endangerment. Surprise that she screwed up his own kids. Wonder what happened there. Okay.
Obviously my mind is going to some really dark places, but who knows what his motivation is there? It's real hard not to wonder why he wants to have a relationship with his young grandkid. That's so close. Why couldn't he foster her?
[00:30:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Yeah. We'd only be speculating, but I guess that's on the table.
[00:30:54] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Well, I'm glad that he's not because he's a pedophile rapist. I hate this guy. I wanna castrate this man. Is that an
[00:31:00] Gabriel Mizrahi: inappropriate reaction to this? I don't know. Let's see how this letter plays out and then we'll get to that. Sarah's sister prayed about it and agreed to foster and potentially adopt his grandchild.
As it turns out, this little girl now has all sorts of behavioral issues and caring for her is very stressful. This has also caused a lot of stress for Sarah. After going through counseling, she's drawn clear boundaries and said she will not be anywhere near this guy for any reason. But any family gatherings will now include Frank and this challenging granddaughter.
It seems ridiculous that money would solve anything, but it's painful for the family to see this guy traveling around the world. Living his best life and posting his braggy pictures while they're suffering. If he were truly sorry, he would be offering to help the niece he assaulted. He would ask Sarah for forgiveness and wait for her to work through the healing process without pressure, and he would provide back pay to his sister for Sarah's counseling, which has cost tens of thousands of dollars as well as financially help the niece who's taking care of his granddaughter.
Wow. I'm just realizing. So he is not financially supporting the niece who agreed to foster and potentially adopt his granddaughter, the one he wanted to stay close with.
[00:32:09] Jordan Harbinger: He won't support them, but he begged them to foster her so he could have a close relationship. But they're like, he doesn't actually give a shit about any of these people, but he
[00:32:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: has the resources
[00:32:19] Jordan Harbinger: to do that.
That's not okay. This is so crazy. This person is defective in so many ways, not a point in his favor.
[00:32:27] Gabriel Mizrahi: While it doesn't feel right to sue him for something he did when he was a child, and while a lawsuit could be seen as blackmail to keep the secret in the family, it certainly would help them pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives.
I also feel it would be empowering to come forward and face the perpetrator and hold him accountable, but Frank is a very entitled and narcissistic person. Should Sarah's parents and siblings stand with her and shun the uncle until she's able to work through this, decide she can forgive him and move on.
Should my cousin, Sarah's mother, threaten to sue Frank for the therapy expenses over the years? Can Sarah sue him for damages? 40 plus years later signed looking to redress the distress caused by this hot mess. When some in the family suppress the abuser flaunts his success and I confess that. I'm done trying to quiescence.
Wow. Damn. You went ham on that
[00:33:19] Jordan Harbinger: one. What a story, Gabe.
[00:33:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah.
[00:33:21] Jordan Harbinger: Crazy. There's so many angles here. There's so many subplots, there's so many characters. All this history, stories like this, they really capture the legacy of abuse
[00:33:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: they do and how it can ricochet through a family and echo in a lot of people's lives.
Yeah, it's really disturbing.
[00:33:36] Jordan Harbinger: It is. It's beyond disturbing and I'm so sorry for Sarah and her mom, what they've been through, how the family has responded to it. The mom. Anyway, like I said, burying your head in the sand, avoiding denying. It's just not okay. I said I wanted to castrate this guy. I didn't mean that.
I mean, I wanted to castrate him with a rusty grapefruit spoon.
[00:33:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: This guy is horrible. Dark Jordan Justice being meted out here. Yeah, it is a very troubling way to respond to something like this in a family. It's also insult on top of injury, I.
[00:34:04] Jordan Harbinger: Insults on top of injury and also how these traumas go underground and they only get worse.
It really does break my heart to hear about people being hurt by these kinds of things. It's horrible. So look, as always, we wanted to get a good handle on your options here. So we reached out to attorney and friend of the show, Corbin Payne, and the way Corbin saw it, and this is what I love about Corbin, how he thinks both as a lawyer and as a human being slash armchair psychologist.
Some lawyers really can't think like humans. I can. I am proof of that. You're asking about two very different things. One is how to obtain justice for Sarah and the other is how to obtain healing for Sarah. So Corbin's take, was that the justice part? That's gonna be hard 'cause 40 years is a real long time by legal standards.
Depending on the laws in your state, Sarah and her mom might not even be able to bring a lawsuit. And even if they are, there's no evidence about what happened beyond the testimony of the people involved. Frank could come in and deny everything under oath, and it wouldn't shock me if this POS does that.
Of course, Sarah's mom could come in and testify that he admitted to it years ago, and then Sarah's grandmother could come in and be like, that's all a lie. 'cause she wants to protect the family slash herself, which is the only thing she's protecting in Corbin's view. This is the classic he said. She said conundrum.
Also, everyone could come in and admit the abuse did in fact take place, but then argue or concede that this was your typical adolescent explorations. Like Frank said to quote Corbin here, I can't say which way a jury would go, but I can say that it would be very, very difficult. So that's the not so good news.
And I'm sorry to relay that these cases are notoriously difficult to prove and they only get harder with time. It doesn't mean it's not an option. Sarah and her family could certainly try, but I think you guys have to be realistic about your odds of success and aware of what you'd all have to go through.
Lawsuits can be a long and difficult process, especially when it involves speaking publicly about what happened with no guarantee that you'd get the damages. You're hoping for Sarah's healing, though, that's a whole other process. And Corbin had a couple of thoughts there based on his experience with the law and working with a lot of victims over the years.
Gabe, you want
[00:36:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: to share what he told us? Sure. So first of all, Corbin had a similar reaction to Jordan a moment ago. He felt that your family's commitment to silence, or at least your grandmother's commitment to silence is destroying the family. We talk about this a lot on the show, how silence is just so isolating for a victim.
Corbin believes that it really her victims, and it only ends up empowering their abusers. So to quote him again here, this family is cloaking silence under the more religious sounding demand that victims forgive and forget. But that doesn't make it anything other than what it
[00:36:35] Jordan Harbinger: is. I just wanna jump in here and say, I had the exact same response while you were reading the letter, and this is no shade on religion or religious people.
Obviously there's an aspect of healing that is deeply spiritual. Your tradition can be super helpful, but I totally agree with Corbin here. Fast forwarding to forgive and forget, in a situation like this that's not being a good Christian, that is just bypassing, which is this weird defense mechanism that doesn't help anybody.
Correct.
[00:37:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: And and that's even more invalidating and more isolating for the victim.
[00:37:04] Jordan Harbinger: Yes. I also find it very presumptuous. Oh, you grandma get to tell us the women who were actually abused and sexually assaulted. We just need to forgive. When you denied that it ever even happened, why should I do that to make you comfortable, you grandma.
That's not a sentence I thought I would ever utter on the show.
[00:37:21] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's very upsetting. I think when someone like the grandmother says that they need to just forgive. What she's really saying is, I need everyone to stop talking about this because it's so distressing to me.
[00:37:30] Jordan Harbinger: Yes, of course. It's all about her.
Which actually, maybe the narcissism is passed down from grandma to the her rapy ass kid.
[00:37:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Uh, hard to say, but true forgiveness, if that's even on the table here, that is a process, probably a very long and complicated process, and it's the victim's process and also it's a personal process. It's not something that somebody from the outside gets to order everyone else to do because they can't tolerate the anxiety and the shame of knowing that this happened in their family.
[00:37:56] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly right.
[00:37:58] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay, so Corbin wanted to respectfully suggest that you and your family figure out some ways to break the silence. That doesn't necessarily mean going and shouting this from the rooftops, or going and giving a TED talk about abuse or whatever. You're welcome to. We all love a good TED talk, but healing doesn't require something like that.
Corbin said that he's seen countless sexual abuse victims begin by sharing their stories with family, with friends, with people close to them, and then work up to sharing it in wider circles. After that, in his experience, the simple act of owning what happened to them, telling other people about it when they're ready, of course that allows them to rewrite the script of their experience to some degree, and often to a large degree, because it really does transmute the original experience, maybe a little, but often a lot, and it allows victims to reclaim what happened to them, find new meaning in it, cut through the stigma.
The isolation. It is very powerful. It turns a victim into a survivor. Into a survivor, exactly. Corbin also said that some people go even further and become advocates for other victims, which is another way to make meaning and to heal. So. This could be as simple as Sarah and her mom choosing to speak up if that's what they wanna do.
Of course, it's their choice. And then empowering their family members to take steps to better protect their loved ones and their little ones from abuse in this family, literally breaking this cycle in their family by speaking up totally. Corbin said that he has seen this process work countless times.
He also said that he knows trauma doesn't have a one size fits all solution. The burden of healing this family should not fall just on Sarah and her mom. But he was very clear about his stance in all of this. The silence has to end.
[00:39:34] Jordan Harbinger: I totally agree. And the second thought Corbin shared with us is that sexual abuse, especially within families, is appallingly widespread.
So many people go through this kind of abuse way more than most people realize, which is why there are so many support groups out there and networks where survivors can get in touch with one another. And Corbin's experience, these support groups have proven to be one of the most powerful tools for healing.
We're all super encouraged that Sarah's been pursuing therapy for a long time. She hasn't just been repressing all this. That's fantastic to hear. I'm very proud of her for that, although I do wonder if she needs to better assert the boundaries she's found in therapy in terms of how much contact she has with Frank.
But maybe that says more about the family's way of dealing with the abuse, or not dealing with the abuse than with Sarah's ability to protect herself. But just in case she hasn't considered a support group, Corbin wanted to remind you that it's a great resource and we're gonna link to Rain and a couple other hubs for these resources in the show notes.
Highly recommend checking them out.
[00:40:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: Corbin shared one more really interesting thing with us, which was one of the things that you seem extremely frustrated about and understandably so, is that Sarah's uncle seems to be thriving. While Sarah has struggled to some degree in her life, especially in her love life, you also seem to be frustrated that Frank has this kind of untouchable image in the family, and he will not take accountability for what he did.
And look, those are totally fair responses. Corbin said that he was frustrated on all of your behalf for the very same reasons. But here's the thing. Up until now, Sarah's uncle and this grandmother have been able to control the narrative and keep up the image of a healthy, well-functioning family, right?
That's given them a degree of control here. And in Corbin's view, that control is largely unassailable because they won't admit to their faults and they won't acknowledge what really happened fully, and they won't take any responsibility for what they've done. In Corbin's opinion, they will never change in that regard.
And going to court is not gonna change anything in that regard either. But he wanted you to know that that doesn't mean that Sarah's mom or you that any of you guys have to relinquish all the control in the situation to Frank. You guys control how you perceive the grandmother. You guys control how and when and where.
You guys tell your own stories, which stories you lead with. Most importantly, Corbin wanted you to know you control your own characters. Sarah and Sarah's mom, they sound like really good people and you're clearly a very caring, very empathetic person. That is huge. Meanwhile, Frank is this, look, let's be honest, narcissistic guy who did some terrible things and also appears to be doing some terrible things in a few areas of his life, and trust me.
The horrendous stuff that he's done aside. Just having this personality is very stressful and it is its own form of punishment in a way. So in the end, Corbin's feeling was that in one huge way, you guys have kind of already won.
[00:42:23] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I agree with that. You're healthy, you're clear, you're kind, you're solid, and you guys will have that over this crib for the rest of your life.
He's incapable of becoming that way due to his narcissism and other issues. That doesn't take away the legacy of this abuse. It doesn't mean that it didn't matter or that you don't deserve some form of justice here. It just means that even if you can't get legal justice for what happened, you might've already gotten a kind of cosmic justice.
And that's often how it plays out. And the more Sarah and her mom own their story, the more meaning and healing I think they'll find from the terrible things that they've been through. That's their work to do and that's their birthright.
[00:42:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: I completely agree with that. I think we need to talk about just one more thing here, Jordan, and going back to your response while I was reading the letter and look, this is delicate and it's very complicated, and honestly I wish we didn't have to talk about this, but I don't think it would be fair not to.
I feel that the portrait we're getting of Frank here is actually complicated. Let's remember that there's a world where this guy might have been abused by his father, and that might be why he then abused somebody else at a young age too, right when he was young, when he might not have fully understood what he was doing and how it would impact another person.
And then 10 years later as an adult, presumably Frank confessed to what he did. He went through counseling, he had this soul searching. He admitted everything that the mother had suspected. Now he justified it as pubescent curiosity more than assault. It's debatable exactly what that was, but let's just remember that for all of this guy's faults, he did this work to some degree and he came out saying, I confess that I did this thing, and I acknowledge it.
That is no small thing to admit, and I know it sounds weird to say, but that must have taken some courage and vulnerability on his part. It's an awful thing to own up to doing. Right? He's also saying that it wasn't abuse, it was this pubescent curiosity, and we can't possibly know if that's actually true.
That might be exactly what it was. We've talked to Brad Watts a bunch about this kind of abuse and how children sometimes work things out, and that's in a different category from a textbook pedophile. This might also be the version of the story that Frank is telling in order to live with it and to keep the family on his side and keep the worst part of this trauma buried.
At the same time, it's also true that he has not taken all the steps he could to make this right, for example, like paying for Sarah's therapy. Although then if it's true that he was a victim as well and this abuse was of a different category, he. Maybe in his mind he doesn't owe Sarah that I don't know.
I'm not saying I agree with this argument, but let's just at least appreciate that is an argument he could make. So all of this complicates the picture of Frank for me. I'm not letting him off the hook. I'm not saying he's a good guy. I'm not saying that this family doesn't have to go through a massive reckoning about what happened.
I'm very disturbed by a number of facts in this guy's life, but as our friend here considers the remedies for this abuse, I do think it's important to open the aperture here a little bit more and appreciate that this particular story that we are hearing, it has a lot of nuances and some ambiguity, and there are a lot of different angles here.
That really do complicate the question of who is culpable and how culpable are they, and who ultimately bears responsibility for what happened and how do they make that right?
[00:45:43] Jordan Harbinger: Man, that's a lot to take in. You're right. This is complicated. To your point, I wonder if deep down Frank knows he did something very wrong.
He might even feel that on some level, he is the abuser that everyone says he is, and that is why he's trying to portray this image of himself as a successful human being and he desperately wants everyone to forget what happened or view it in a certain way. Even the whole traveling around the world thing, that might just be a form of escapism for him, just him trying to get away from himself, which is impossible to do because there's still a world where what actually happened is a source of deep shame for him and a reminder of what his father might have done to him and then what he then did to someone else.
No amount of money or success or projected self-image could make up for the fact that he did this awful thing. Whatever his intention and psychology happened to be at the time.
[00:46:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Wow. That's a very good point. And honestly, dude, it's confusing. I'm unsure whether to hold him accountable for all of this or to just feel sorry for him or both.
I really don't.
[00:46:44] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I'm now ping ponging between the two as well. I'm leaning toward the conclusion that guys like this deserve to have their balls cut off again. Rusty grapefruit spoon. My mind is a worrying right now, right? An anonymous person could host a website in a place like Russia that can't be taken down with this whole story using his full name and this successful guy, if he's a partner, let's say, at some sort of bank, they're not gonna wanna pedophile guy working there, he's gonna get fired.
His whole life is gonna come crashing down. But that is not something that you should do, and it would come back and blow up in your face. I'm just saying that that would ruin his life and that might be a shame in air quotes. But Gabe, you're unfortunately giving me some pause with this take because you're right.
People who do stuff like this. There's almost always a reason. So I guess we have to make some room for some compassion for Frank here, even if Sarah and her mom deserve the lion's share of that compassion. Man, what a story. Like I said, there's so much to explore here, but I hope that gives you a few new angles to consider and I hope it leads you, Sarah's mom, everyone in the family, to the right decision here.
Although I think ultimately this is really up to Sarah to decide for herself because it's her story sending you and your family a big hug and wishing you all the best.
[00:47:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay, next
[00:47:57] Jordan Harbinger: up.
[00:47:57] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey, you boys. I've had my work from home job for a year now, and recently a decision was made in my company that will affect my day-to-day work in a moderate to high manner permanently.
I'll be up for a review next month, and I know that my supervisor will ask me about this protocol change. How it's affected my work. I personally think this change is asinine and I will have to work a little harder to be less productive. But since this is not my supervisor's decision, I'm not sure how I would answer.
How can I resist complaining about how dumb this is? Can I plead the fifth? What is the most professional way to weasel out when the alternative is to likely regret being honest. Signed in a bind about speaking my mind because I might be unkind and malign the blind minds who designed this un streamlined time.
[00:48:44] Jordan Harbinger: Geez, okay. You didn't have to absolutely murder that sign off. It's just a work question, man. This is the light stuff we're throwing in between the other not so like stuff. I dunno.
[00:48:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: It just tumbled out that way. I don't know. Sometimes that happens just there.
[00:48:56] Jordan Harbinger: Gabe understood the assignment as the kids like to say, which is a great phrase.
Look, I can appreciate why it's stressful to think about being honest with your supervisor here. Being truly candid at work. It is tough. There are politics at play. You don't wanna piss off the wrong person unnecessarily. I get it. On the other hand, you have a few things working in your favor. One is that this change has objectively changed your job in a moderate to highway permanently, as you said.
So you're not just grumbling for no reason or inventing a problem that isn't there. The other thing is that this was not your supervisor's decision, so it's not like you'd be attacking them directly by pointing out that it's making you work harder to be less productive. You guys are probably on the same side of the table here because I assume both of you have a stake in making sure that you are as productive as possible.
Now, that doesn't mean you have to point this out or even that you should. There might be other reasons to kind of suck it up or let it roll off your back. I don't know the politics or the nuances of your workplace, but I actually think there might be a good reason not to dodge this question. And I have two thoughts for you that might make this easier to bring up.
First, I would focus on the facts as much as possible. Resist the urge to get angry and complainy and just talk about this as an economic thing. Hours worked versus results delivered the upside to doing things this way versus the opportunity cost of losing time and energy, and whether this change actually makes sense to your supervisor.
In other words, don't use the word asinine. Just present the facts and let them draw their own conclusion. You could even say, look, I'm having to work harder. I'm less productive. I know this wasn't your call, but what do you make of this? Can we find a better solution so that we can perform better? Or do I have to just suck it up and be a team player?
Invite your supervisor to tell you what they make of all this. If they're like, Hey, I hear you, but this is just how management wants it now, then you'll know it's probably not worth getting worked up about. But if there's some openness there, you might want to pitch a solution. And that's my second recommendation.
I'd come to this meeting with a few ideas about how to solve this problem rather than just complaining about it. It's one thing to sit with your supervisor and go, Hey, this change sucks. I gotta work harder. I'm less productive. It's another thing to go, you know what? This change, it doesn't actually make a lot of sense.
So here are a couple ways I think we could move faster and deliver more. What do you think if you come to a conversation like this with some solutions and some next steps, even if they are broad, it'll change the tone completely because A, you'll be trying to actively make things better, which always lands better.
B, it'll force you to lead with the spirit of productivity and collaboration rather than just grumbling and criticizing. And C, it'll empower you and your supervisor to go and pitch some of these changes if they're actually workable, and you'll probably know a lot faster if they are workable or if this asinine change has some kind of logic that you just need to accept.
So yeah, you can resist complaining about how dumb this is if it's a prudent thing to do. But if you come to this meeting in this spirit, I'm not sure, you'll have to resist too hard because you're not just gonna be complaining. You might even be kind of excited and you might be able to plead the fifth.
But if your supervisor asks you point blank, Hey, what do you think of this new change? I'm not sure how well that's gonna land. It's kind of weaseling out in a way that doesn't communicate. I'm a trustworthy employee, I'm a leader. While also it subtly suggests that you don't like the change, but you don't have the, I don't know, the courage or the integrity to speak up about it.
[00:52:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, that is a really good point. I totally agree. And as for regretting, being honest, I don't think you'll regret it as much if you prepare for this meeting in the way that Jordan just laid out. And also approach this as a creative problem to be solved rather than just like a flaw to be pointed out.
But if you're worried about that, then I would really think through this conversation, think through the implications of speaking up. Maybe run it by a couple of peers, couple of colleagues you trust. Just get their opinion. Would this landman hot water, or would this be welcome? Get clear with yourself on what specifically would make you regret speaking up.
Because my hunch is that being honest at work in general is probably a little daunting for you as it is for all of us and this kind of proleptic regret that you feel is probably designed to keep you safe by making you wanna avoid the conversation in the first place. Hold up. Proleptic. What does that mean?
Sorry. GB SATs over here going ham. Proleptic means like treating a future event as if it's already happened.
[00:53:11] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, interesting. So she's regretting something she hasn't even done yet. But is that even regret? Isn't that just worrying? No, it's interesting, right? It's proleptic
[00:53:20] Gabriel Mizrahi: regret. It's weird. She's projecting herself into a future where she wishes that she didn't speak up, which might give her a reason to not speak up when speaking up.
Might be exactly the right thing to do. But she doesn't want to because it's a little scary, it's uncomfortable. So my theory is that this Proleptic regret is designed to protect her by letting her off the hook. But I think the solution is first of all, prepare well, and second, trust yourself enough to say, Hey, I know enough to know that this is not actually the best way of doing things, and I might have a better way.
Rather than regretting that you pointed out something that is objectively true, which is not a crime, especially if you do it in the helpful spirit that Jordan was just describing. And
[00:54:02] Jordan Harbinger: if that's the case, then this is actually a great opportunity for you to try well, being more honest at work, more confident and thoughtful about your recommendations, and just see what happens.
I have a feeling it'll go well as long as you lead with the right attitude. Good luck, Gabe. I haven't had a real job in a long time, but I have to think that if you have a decent relationship with your supervisor and you come in and you're like, why do I have to do TPS reports every day instead of every week, they're probably like, Ugh, I know.
I know, right? They're not gonna be like, how dare you question a management decision.
[00:54:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: Especially because the supervisor didn't come up with it. The fact that our friend here is so anxious about telling the truth to somebody who really probably doesn't even have a stake and is probably gonna be like, yeah, I also think it's dumb, but we just have to deal with it.
That tells me that there's probably something deeper to this.
[00:54:46] Jordan Harbinger: I agree. It seems like you'd want your supervisor to go, Hey, I know we'd say we need these daily. My guys are way less productive now. Do you care about production or do you care about TPS reports being filed in a timely manner? Exactly. And it's like, exactly.
Oh, we didn't realize this was causing a production issue. Thanks for letting us know. Change of policy. That's how things would happen here. Maybe in real companies, they just don't care. 'cause they're like, somebody up top doesn't want their ego hurt, so we're all filing TPS reports, but you gotta try.
[00:55:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: You never know.
But then if you don't speak up at all, then you just get angry and bitter. And then you're like, this place doesn't wanna change. But you're not giving them the chance to change by speaking up. Exactly.
[00:55:18] Jordan Harbinger: All right, y'all can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise, use descriptive subject lines.
That makes Gabe's job a whole lot easier. Now that you're stuck with the inbox, if you're finding dead squirrels in your mailbox, your stepdad's got your nudes, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or the church next to your house is owned by a human trafficker.
Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, our newsletter, wee it wiser, comes to you every week. It's a two minute read. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode, from us to you. If you wanna keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out.
It's a great companion to the show, and you can sign up at Jordan harbinger.com/news.
[00:56:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: All right,
[00:56:01] Jordan Harbinger: what's next?
[00:56:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, three years ago, my brother and his wife had a beautiful baby girl. We'll call her Mary. Mary is the light of my life. She's my first and only blood related niece, and my parents' only grandchild.
[00:56:16] Jordan Harbinger: Oh God, Gabe, after that first question, this one's making me nervous already. Uh, don't worry. This one's very different. It's, thank you. I'm glad I was having a, there's a proleptic stress response.
[00:56:26] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh, look at you. Nicely done.
[00:56:28] Jordan Harbinger: That's a good word, man. It's funny, Gabe, I was just remembering I was gonna take the lsat, which is the thing you take before law school if you get in.
And I was really good at the, the regular SATs, the verbal section, whatever. And then I decided to take the GRE as the backup to the LSAT in case I didn't do well in the LSAT for law school. I was like, all right, I need this for regular grad school and I'm not good at math. I hate math. I really don't like it.
And I thought I would do decent on the verbal section. I'm okay on the math section. And what happened is on the math section, this is one of those tests you take on the computer and it gets progressively harder the better that you do. And I was like, oh, I'm not good at math. Why are, they're showing me all these weird things, calculus things and symbols I've never even seen before.
And I was getting really confused. 'cause I thought, I'm clearly not getting these questions right. I'm just guessing at the answer by looking at the four choices and picking the one that looks the most different from the other ones, kind of. And it's showing me more and more very complicated stuff that you would see like in a movie on a chalkboard or something in Einstein's laboratory.
Yeah.
[00:57:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's like a John Nash drawing on the
[00:57:34] Jordan Harbinger: window. Yes, exactly. There's, I'm taking yarn and connecting it to photos on a corkboard.
[00:57:39] Gabriel Mizrahi: They're like, sir, this test is on a computer. What
[00:57:42] Jordan Harbinger: are you doing? Yeah. So I was just like, this is impossible. What just happened? And I left so confused. And then about two weeks later, I get this letter.
From MIT, that's, Hey, congratulations on your GRE results. Stop it. You absolutely slayed the math section. We wanna invite you to come out here. Oh dear. We're gonna pay for your travel. We're gonna pay for your accommodation. We want you to take this further testing in our math department. No way. And if you do well on that, we will invite you to a full or partial scholarship to MITA grad program.
That is too funny,
[00:58:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: dude. Wait, so you just murdered the math section of the GRE by accident? Absolutely. And MIT was like, we want you. Yes. That's too funny, dude. How did that happen?
[00:58:28] Jordan Harbinger: I don't really understand either. I really must have just gotten one Extremely lucky, but two. That test was written in such a way where the answers, there's just one that's different enough from the other three multiple choice that you can do it.
It's not like I would've been able to do this if I'd had to show work or like actually do the math. It's just that if you ask me a question and the three of the answers have graphs and one of them just has an equation and I pick the equation. Okay. You didn't need the graph for that one, or like all the graphs go to the right.
I just picked the one that went to the left because, yeah, and it worked. So yeah, it was a flaw in the actual test. Otherwise, I would've had a better chance just rolling the dice and getting six, 12 times in a row. The odds are so low that it had to be a flaw in the test. Isn, that is
[00:59:13] Gabriel Mizrahi: hilarious. Takes GRE as a backup to not getting into law school.
Ends up in the quantum physics program at MI t.
[00:59:20] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, exactly. Literal. Literally, they were probably recruiting me for some weird thing like that because they wanted me to do more math and then give me a scholarship to MIT. It just meant none of it made it.
[00:59:29] Gabriel Mizrahi: But you didn't take them up on this, right?
[00:59:31] Jordan Harbinger: Hell no.
I hate math even more than I hate Boston.
[00:59:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Great. Thank you for that. I'm not gonna get a bunch of emails from people in Boston who are famously passionate about their city. Yes. Yelling at us for hating on their objectively charming town, so I appreciate that. Yeah.
[00:59:45] Jordan Harbinger: Look man, I've been to Boston like once in my life.
The food was amazing. I'll give them that. I just, I can't understand what he was saying.
[00:59:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: What a weird diversion that was. Okay. Yeah. So we got into from Proleptic to your almost MIT career. Okay. Let's get back to Mary's. The letter goes on. But since the day Mary was born, my brother has used my niece as a weapon against us keeping her from us when we've upset him and only allowing us to see her when he feels like it.
Over the years, he's gotten upset with my mother and me saying we are too obsessed with Mary, and that if we wanted to see her so badly, we should have our own kid. That is such a weird thing to say. Such a weird thing to say. He gets mad when we wanna see her more than once a month, even though he lives five minutes down the street from me and she absolutely adores my husband and me.
Last year, my brother got mad because I only ever reach out to him to visit Mary and I never ask about him. But before Mary was born, we never really had a close relationship as he's eight years older than me and he went to jail when I was 10. Okay, so he went to jail at 18. That might explain a few things.
For three months after this fight, he kept Mary from me, even threatening to keep her from my mom. If she allowed me to see her. It absolutely broke me. Over time, I was allowed to see her, but only at birthdays and holidays, and now I can see her only when he allows. I'm a good and kind person. I own my own business, have a beautiful and loving marriage, and love Mary like she's my own, but he restricts her visits with me as though I were a criminal or a bad influence.
[01:01:19] Jordan Harbinger: The irony of the guy who was a criminal, Gabe, I'm getting ahead of myself, but she said my husband and I are successful and we have a great relationship with her. I think that's why he's jealous of that. It's very interesting. This guy's not a good person.
[01:01:32] Gabriel Mizrahi: I
[01:01:33] Jordan Harbinger: think
[01:01:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: I've tried communicating about this with him, but he's extremely dismissive and insensitive to my feelings, reminding me that Mary is his kid and he gets to choose who she can and can't see.
Is there any way forward with this relationship? Do I just have to deal with the heartache of missing Mary and only getting to see her once in a while? Or am I asking too much by trying to see her on a more frequent basis? Signed, trying to make peace and circumvent the police, stopping me from seeing my niece when my love for her will only increase.
[01:02:03] Jordan Harbinger: All right, so I have some ideas from question one. Step one, get the court to take his kids away from him. Step two, foster the child. You can see her whenever you
[01:02:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: want. Case closed. Wow. Dark Jordan connecting up the dots across questions. That was weird and logistical and very improbable, but
[01:02:19] Jordan Harbinger: I appreciate
[01:02:19] Gabriel Mizrahi: the effort.
[01:02:19] Jordan Harbinger: Fine, I'm here for it. Look, this is a sad situation and honestly I find it creepy. It is the way he's gatekeeping his daughter. It's so strange, Gabe. I'm thinking about the letter we took two weeks ago from the woman whose sister accused her of abusing her son and how she was making it super hard for that listener to stay close with the nephew who she adored.
I. Because she was accusing her of all kinds of heinous child abuse nonsense,
[01:02:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: right. This is the Q Anon sister who was a victim of abuse and then claimed that her sister had abused her too emotionally since they were children.
[01:02:50] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Interesting parallels here. They're both aunts of kids they really love, both have very tough siblings, and because they're not the parents of these kids they love so much.
They don't have much control over how often they get to see them.
[01:03:02] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's really interesting, I'm sitting here wondering what the brother's version of this story would be. His main grievance seems to be that our friend here only reaches out to visit his daughter. She never asks about him, which to be fair, maybe that is a little bit hurtful on some level.
[01:03:17] Jordan Harbinger: Okay, that's true. I could see that. But they were never close. And it sounds like he's a bit of a difficult character. Look, if I go to prison at age 18 and my 10-year-old sister doesn't wanna be my best friend when I get out in five years, like I get it.
[01:03:31] Gabriel Mizrahi: No. So clearly he's a difficult character and yeah, he has a criminal history, which look, that doesn't automatically mean he's some kind of monster or that he doesn't deserve some love and interest from his sister.
But who knows? He might in fact be a shady dude and he might have other qualities related to his past that also make their relationship tough. Plus there's an eight year age gap that's huge. Whatever the reasons that they have a fraught relationship. It's hard to be close. It's hard to talk about why they're not close.
And according to her, that's his fault. She's the one who's trying, and he's dismissive and insensitive and he's pulling the whole like, well, she's my kid card. He gets to choose who she can and cannot see.
[01:04:05] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Uh, good luck when she's older and you're trying to control who she's friends with or who she dates like you're strong.
My kids don't talk to me anymore. Vibes in about 10 years. For Mary and Dad. Look, he's not wrong about that. He does get to choose, but you're right. One of them is at least trying to talk and repair things and the other one is shutting the conversation down and playing hardball with a child. So that does seem to be a point in our friend.
Here's favor,
[01:04:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: but what I'm getting at is it still might be helpful for her to consider how her brother views the situation, why he feels so slighted, even if his reasons are ultimately irrational or unfair. Maybe she just needs to say to him, look, I hear you that I have made you feel unappreciated. I hear that you feel I care more about Mary than I care about you.
That was never my intention. If we can have a closer relationship, I would like that and I'd love to hear your thoughts on how we can work on that. But in the meantime, I would really love to be able to be a great aunt to Mary and be a better sister to you without feeling like you're keeping her from me for reasons that I don't fully understand.
[01:05:05] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I like that. Like I'll tolerate your annoying ass. If I can see my knees i'll, I'll even smile to your face, but I really just wanna see my knees. You manchild.
[01:05:14] Gabriel Mizrahi: There are two ways to go about this strategy. One is cynically and just say the things that you think he needs to hear in order to soften up and let you see her.
And then there's another version where maybe you really do give that a go and see if this relationship could improve.
[01:05:26] Jordan Harbinger: I'll tell you which one I would pick.
[01:05:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Clearly playing him like a frigging fiddle dude. I know she's tried this, but maybe she needs to go a little further. Maybe that would give her a way to understand her brother, acknowledge her brother in a way that makes him feel heard, even if he cannot return the favor.
And maybe that's how she makes progress with him. Maybe that's how she stays close with Mary.
[01:05:47] Jordan Harbinger: It's a good point because she's the one who's capable of really listening and talking. He's not. So she might have to do most of the work here and maybe even cater to her brother's delicate personality slash fragile ego so that she can have a relationship with Mary.
I guess. I think that's the way forward here if there is a way forward, but also there just might not be a way forward. Your brother might be so rigid and so combative that no matter how much empathy and diplomacy you meet him with, he just won't let you be super close with his daughter, which is really sad for both you and for Mary, and actually also for him, because who doesn't want their child to be close with their family, especially if their family is solid and is loving relationships and is cool.
I mean, I guess that just might be the way this cookie crumbles, in which case, yeah, you have to deal with the heartache of missing Mary and only getting to see her every once in a while. It's the idea we seem to come back to again and again in situations like this. There's always a limit to our power. A lot of life is about working through the grief of accepting life as it is, and I won't belabor that point, but I would definitely encourage you to go back and listen to that other letter that was similar to yours.
That was episode 10 99, 1 0 9 9. The first question on that episode, your stories are very different, but the shape is the same, and I think you'll find some interesting parallels in that listener's story about loving her nephew and confronting a version of events where she might not be able to be as close with him for a while, at which point this becomes about working through your own feelings about your family and finding creative ways to stay close over the years when your brother won't let you.
But no, I definitely don't think you're asking too much by trying to see Mary on a more frequent basis. You just want to hang out with the niece you love. What could be more normal than that? So do what you can to change those variables. Maybe by trying to meet your brother in a new way, as hard and as awkward as that might be, or start making peace with what this situation will allow.
My hope is that you and Mary can stay connected in other ways, and when she's a little older, maybe it'll be easier to have a relationship again. It sucks, but it doesn't have to be the end of the story sending you and Mary a big hug and hoping your brother comes around. Good luck. If none of that works, you can always try bribing your brother with one of the fine products and services that support this show.
This episode is sponsored in part by the defender. We all have those big goals that seem just outta reach, right? But the truth is that's what keeps us moving forward. For the people who embrace challenges and explore their way, there's the defender. The defender is built to handle whatever comes its way with legendary capability on road or off.
It's engineered with a tough, rigid body, tested to the extreme and built with durable, lightweight architecture for strength and confidence. But it's not just about ruggedness, it's an icon reimagined with a design that feels modern, yet honors. Its adventurous roots. Plus, there's a defender for every kind of explorer from the defender 90 to the one 10, and even the one 30 which seats up to eight people.
So whether it's just you or the whole family, there's a model for your journey. If you're ready to embrace the impossible, the defender is your perfect partner, beyond capable and ready to go wherever you're headed Next, build your defender@landroverusa.com. This episode is sponsored in part by homes.com.
homes.com knows that when it comes to home shopping, it's never about the house or the condo. It's about the home. And what makes a home is more than just the house or the property. It's the location and neighborhood. So if you've got kids, it's also schools nearby parks, transportation options. That's why homes.com goes above and beyond to bring home shoppers, the in depth information they need to find the right home.
And when I say in depth, I'm talking deep. Each listing features comprehensive information about the neighborhood complete with a video guide. They've also got details about local schools with test scores, state rankings, student to teacher ratio. They even have an agent directory with the sales history of each agent.
So when it comes to finding a home, not just a house, this is everything you need to know all in one place. homes.com. We've done your homework. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you find our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors.
All of the deals and discounts are searchable and clickable. Over on the deals page, Jordan harbinger.com/deals, our AI chatbot can search for sponsor codes and surface those as well. Jordan harbinger.com/ai. And if that doesn't work, you can always email us, jordan@jordanharbinger.com. We're happy to surface those codes for you because it is that important that you support those who support the show.
Now back to Feedback Friday and right now, time for the recommendation of the week.
[01:10:12] Lip Filla Clip: I am addicted to Lit Filler.
[01:10:15] Jordan Harbinger: My recommendation of the week, it's called the Sun Aware UV tracker, sun Aware will link to it in the show notes. So this is, it really is just a tiny little clip that's the size of half your pinky finger that clips onto your shirt or your hat.
And it measures the amount of UV radiation that you're being exposed to. And it's solar powered so you don't have to fiddle around with batteries or anything like that. It's Bluetooth, it connects to your phone. The company's mission is to raise awareness around UV exposure to keep people safe. I spend a lot of time outside.
I go Rucking and I walk around every day for hours. And during the summer I had no idea how much UV I was getting. I was like, oh, I'm probably fine 'cause I don't burn. Uh, not really the case. According to this app, I'm really getting a lot of UV sometimes and on other days where I think I need to go inside 'cause it's sunny, the UV index is low and I can actually stay outside for like two extra hours.
So it, it's very helpful. You can't really eyeball this kind of stuff. The company. I contacted them when I bought this 'cause I thought it was so awesome. They actually are generously offering to send three of these devices to our listeners as part of a giveaway Max one per person. Of course, for this giveaway, they're gonna ship worldwide for free.
So don't be like, oh, I live in Canada. I can't get this. But outside the US and eu, there might be customs duties. I don't know how that works. What do you go to the post office? You gotta pay 10 bucks. I really don't know. They will, however, cover shipping and customs for the US and the eu. So you'll get it.
Like anything else you order online. This is gonna be a first come first serve situation. Please only get it if you need it. If you spend a lot of time outside and you're worried about that, or a loved one does, don't just grab it 'cause it's like a cool gadget, at least not the free one. And also, if we're out of 'em, go ahead and buy one.
Like I said, it's like under a hundred bucks I think. And not getting skin cancer is kind of a compelling offer. So if you wanna take advantage of our giveaway, please email friday@jordanharbinger.com. We'll connect you with the company and if we hit the three device limit before you write in, please don't be bummed.
I encourage you to buy one for yourself. I did. I bought this. It's not a sponsor or anything. It's really just a cool device that I think anybody who spends a lot of time outside should have. Also, in case you didn't know, there's a sub Reddit for our show. If you're a Reddit user and you wanna jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, actually it's not even about that anymore.
There's a lot of talking about the show in general or other stuff that's tangential to the show. It's a lot of fun. But if there's an episode you really liked, an episode you really didn't like, you wanna share additional thoughts you wanna learn from other people in our show, fam, definitely come check it out.
It's a very positive place. I do ban people who are just a-holes for no reason. Reddit's very tolerant of that. I'm not, if you're gonna go over there and crap all over people, I'm just gonna ban you. I don't care. But there's some really cool conversations happening over there. And again, it's a very positive place in part because of the no asshole rule.
So you can find it on Reddit in the Jordan Harbinger subreddit.
[01:12:49] Gabriel Mizrahi: Okay, what's next? Uh, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a senior software engineer working for a small startup in London, and if all goes to plan, we'll soon be opening a new office near my hometown. I'm the only member of the team in this area, and I'd like to thank my local presence and familiarity with the area added a little sprinkle of appeal to an already great business decision.
The longer term plan is to scale up this office and hire more engineers to help build our product. As you can imagine, this is a massive opportunity for me and I know I'd regret it forever if I didn't try to make the most of it.
[01:13:23] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So even more Proleptic regret. So interesting. That's a, Bob's gonna put Proleptic in the title for sure.
And if he doesn't. You're fired, Bob. You're done. You better. You're proleptic, terminated, prole. Get your As in gear and throw that in the title.
[01:13:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: I've signed up for some local networking events and breakfasts, but here's where I'm struggling. I don't feel worthy of being at these events. They're open to everyone to attend, but as I'm not A-C-T-O-C-E-O and investor or founder, I can't help but wonder why would anyone there wanna meet me.
I don't feel like I have anything valuable to offer in return. My gut tells me that these are the rooms I need to be in to grow my network. The connections I make could be invaluable, but I don't wanna approach this too selfishly. I love to feel like I'm offering something meaningful as well. Am I thinking about this too transactionally?
How do you build connections when you feel like you're starting on the back foot or have little to offer signed in the throes of feeling like I have to pose, but wanting to grow in the way that I rub elbows.
[01:14:24] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, you're useless, man. Pack it in. Thanks everybody for listening. No, this is a really good question.
First of all, congrats on this exciting new opportunity. I love that you're pumped about it. I'm even more pumped that you're thinking of it as a massive opportunity and that you wanna make the most of it. Obviously, investing in your relationships is a huge part of that, and I also love that you wanna offer something meaningful to the people you meet.
You're doing so much right here. So yes, it definitely sounds like some of these events are where you need to be. And yes, I do think you're thinking about this a little narrowly. It might be true that in some ways you don't have a ton to offer every single important person you meet at these events. It's also probably true that you have something to offer these people, even if it's something really basic, like your curiosity, you're listening, your empathy or your willingness to introduce them to other people who might be more immediately useful in their worlds.
Those are really huge assets, and they don't depend on your title or your technical experience or your assets under management, and you can't discount them. I have been massively helped over the years by people who, to be totally honest, can't really immediately help me in my podcasting career. But let's say they hosted a dinner party where I met some amazing guests for the show, or they talked me through a business problem and they had a unique angle on that because it was different from mine, or they were just a solid peer or an inspiring presence, and I've tried to do the same for other people as well, so I would not get too hung up on whether a CTO or a venture capital investor wants to talk to you just because of their title or their background.
I think that's already putting you on your back foot. I also think it's probably making these conversations a little bit strained. If anything, I would go into these conversations thinking, man, this person is in a position of some power, or this person is wicked smart, or This person deals with money.
That's not my domain at all, so how can I get to know them in their world better? How can I learn something new? How can I listen for the human being behind their role? How can I find one or two points of connection, connect some dots for them? How can I just be an enjoyable person to talk to? Going in with that mindset, that's gonna get you a lot further.
Ironically though, you have to be both more and less strategic in order to succeed with some of these folks. More strategic in the sense that on some level, you're actively looking for ways to be useful, whether it's walking them across the room and introducing them to a person you just met by the bagels or whatever, or getting their email and sending them useful stuff that you learn or thinking about how these folks might fit into this new office your company is opening, whatever.
But less strategic in the sense that you're not constantly doing the math of, okay, am I offering this person enough? Am I fancy enough to be talking with him? Am I giving them something valuable enough to justify taking up their time? Which is where these chats can become transactional, which is the only way that you can really fail.
So it's a dance, right? You walk that line between being thoughtful about what you can offer, but not only viewing your relationships through that lens. Because look, man, even if you are super valuable to these people, you still wanna be personable. You still wanna be funny, you wanna be open and interesting and all of that jazz.
And honestly, meeting someone like that at an event, even if no work gets discussed at all, that's usually way more fun than meeting someone who's like, oh, how can I help you? How can you help me? Let's get to the next level together from the jump. I can't stand it. Actually, this brings up an interesting reminder.
This is something I talk about in my keynote when I do talks. There was a student who told me the same thing, like, ah, I'm not useful. I don't know any people. I'm young, I don't have any money. I don't have a rank in a business. But he was in the cybersecurity club at his engineering school. And what I told him was to lean into that.
And he met a recruiter who was like, why should we hire you? And he brought his resume or whatever, and I said, lean into the club angle, because that's valuable for recruiters. So he told the recruiter that he was also in the cybersecurity club, and she in part hired him because he knew all the other people at his school who are interested in what she was hiring for, which was cybersecurity.
And think about it, you're getting the dog and pony show, the Riz, the razzle dazzle from everybody who comes in for an interview. But now you've got one guy who's already got a job and he goes, yeah, I know that Tim looks impressive, but he's all blow, no show shows up late to everything. You don't want that guy.
Angela, on the other hand, she's soft spoken and she undersells herself, but she's actually really brilliant. So now you got this inside man. So she in part hired him because he knew. Everybody else who was interested and could shed light on whether they were a good fit for the company. So it didn't matter that he didn't have a job, it didn't matter that he didn't have any money.
He was actually one of the most valuable people that she could have met at that particular time.
[01:18:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: Man, that is a great story. That perfectly captures this principle that you're trying to Yeah,
[01:19:04] Jordan Harbinger: that's It does. It does. Like he thought, oh, I don't know anyone. Yes. You know, a bunch of other students, and that's actually who she's looking for.
And you have insight on every single person and their personality, but he misvalued himself until that moment. That's great. Exactly. So all that said, if you are in fact starting on the back foot here, if it's actually true that you have little to offer, then part of your job right now is building up those assets.
So you do feel more equipped and confident at these events. Maybe that means boning up on your technical knowledge. Maybe it means taking on more responsibilities at work so you have more experience, more power, more points of connection with these people that you're meeting. Maybe it means continuing to invest in all these interesting people that you're meeting.
So if nothing else, you can introduce them to one another. You become the hub for these connections. It might also mean really taking stock of what you do already, know what you do already have to offer and correctly valuing those things so that you are in touch with all of the things that you actually do have to offer to these people.
It's absolutely okay to still be developing. Hopefully you're always gonna be developing, but then you have to use your gaps or weaknesses to identify the areas that you need to grow and then put in the work to expand in those places. And you don't need to put your networking on pause until you get there.
You can do both at the same time, and a lot of your growth will happen through your relationship. So these are really two sides of the same coin. But listen, man. I'm actually not worried about you. The fact that you're so concerned about what you can offer people, that actually tells me that you're coming at all of this with a really great mindset, and it also tells me that you 100% deserve to be at these events.
Just embrace where you are, resist the urge to pretend to be anything that you're not. Keep working really hard to level up and meet people with kindness, curiosity, generosity, and you really can't go wrong. Good luck with the new office, man. Hope this is the start of an exciting new chapter. Don't forget to check out our episode about dictators from earlier this week with Dr.
Marcel Dus, as well as our Skeptical Sunday. You haven't heard those yet? Now's a great time to go check 'em out. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network. The circle of people I know, like and trust. We just talked about the value of that. I got a whole course on that.
That's free on the Thinkific platform@sixminutenetworking.com. The drills take a few minutes per day. I really wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks, build relationships before you need them. Six minute networking.com. There's no upsells or anything like that, at least not at this time, and I've got no plans for any either, so you don't need your credit card.
Just show up. It's a free course. Yes, really show notes and transcripts@jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show, all at Jordan harbinger.com/deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Rahi.
This show is created an association with Podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Tata SLOs, and of course Gabriel Rahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show.
Ditto. Corbin Payne. Dr. Margolis is input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature and does not represent, nor indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance.
So basically, she's a therapist but not your therapist. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn and we'll see you next time.
You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show with Olympic speed skater Apollo Ono.
[01:22:39] JHS Clip: To me, the power of belief is the real lesson. I could tap into this unknown reservoir of performance potential. I believe that there was a sixth gear that I had access to. Then everyone else only had five.
I truly believed that I was able to use my fear of failure in a way that was so powerful. It became a superpower. But over long enough durations of time, it also became toxic. We all live as if we have this infinite life, right? We take things for granted. We're grinding and very natural human experience.
I, I do this too. Life is this incredible gift and so do not waste it on shit that is like, just like not worthy. It doesn't serve you and who you want to truly become. If there's one message that I can leave to people is that your choices to respond and react to the situations that you're meeting today are solely within your control.
Solely whether you are hyper successful and you decide what you want to do next, whether you are failing miserable and you're deeply unhappy, or you feel like you're just floating and you're just like kinda like, ah, everyone seems like they all have it around me. It's all noise. The person that actually creates momentum and progress is the one that doesn't listen to that voice unless it's using it for fuel to actually make progression and positive movement Everything that I dedicate myself towards today, my life mission is about how do we create a more open communication channel to create conversation that actually moves and inspires, and reminds people of the superpowers that we actually really all have within.
[01:24:16] Jordan Harbinger: For more with Apollo Ono, the most decorated winter athlete in Olympic history, check out episode 7 83 of the Jordan Harbinger Show.
Sign up to receive email updates
Enter your name and email address below and I'll send you periodic updates about the podcast.