You’re having issues with retroactive jealousy regarding your significant other’s past. You’ve tried to find resources to help you cope with this, but most of what’s you’ve found feels gimmicky with little to no real information or exercises aimed at helping you overcome these feelings. In this Feedback Friday, we’ll try to lend a helping hand.
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Your parents are first cousins, and it’s a secret not many know — including your significant other with whom you’re building a life. Are you obligated to share this?
- Creeps offering to rub your realtor girlfriend’s feet for $500 isn’t the side hustle she was hoping for; how do you ensure she’s safe when meeting clients in empty houses?
- You love your job, but you don’t love the corporate culture and lengthy commute. When is the right time or the wrong time to trade one company for another?
- How do you go about asking for the raise you know you deserve (especially as more tasks are being assigned your way) without jeopardizing your current position?
- You’ve been using our free Six-Minute Networking course, but have a few questions about some of the details. We’re here to help!
- Is Better Help cheaper than in-office therapists, and is it covered by traditional work health options? How do you evaluate it from a budget priority standpoint?
- You’re trying to prove your value during your company’s review period, but one of your overseers seems closed-minded to your process. What’s your best move forward?
- Even though you don’t consider yourself possessive, you have intense bouts of retroactive jealousy regarding your partner’s not-that-sordid past. How do you move past it?
- Pro Tip of the Week: Instead of saying ‘my ex,’ say ‘a guy/girl I dated.’ ‘My ex’ insinuates that person is still a part of your life.
- Recommendation of the Week: Chernobyl on HBO
- A quick shoutout to Liam from the UK!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!
Resources from This Episode:
- Mark Manson | Channeling Hope, Choosing Problems, and Changing Values, TJHS 198
- Ramit Sethi | I Will Teach You to Be Rich, TJHS 199
- How to Find a Mentor (And Make the Most of the Relationship) by Jordan Harbinger
- Few Risks Seen to the Children of First Cousins by Denise Grady, The New York Times
- Is Marrying Your Cousin Actually Dangerous? by Gene Kim and Shira Polan, Business Insider
- Dueling Banjos, Deliverance
- Money for Nothing? Here’s a Guide to Financial Domination for Beginners by Miranda Kane, Metro
- Joe Navarro | How to Identify and Protect Yourself from Harmful People, TJHS 135
- The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker
- Dropcam Wi-Fi Wireless Video Monitoring Camera
- Google Alerts
- Dashcams, Amazon
- Alex Kouts | The Secrets You Don’t Know About Negotiation Part One, TJHS 70
- How to Get Hired Like a Boss | Feedback Friday, TJHS 185
- The Briefcase Technique by Ramit Sethi, I Will Teach You to Be Rich
- Six-Minute Networking
- Jordan Harbinger & ME, Bertcast 340
- Eric Schmidt at Twitter
- Better Help
- How To Deal With a Friend Who Dominates Conversations | Feedback Friday, TJHS 191
- Guy Kawasaki | Life Lessons from a Wise Guy, TJHS 190
- Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner’s Past and Finding Peace by Zachary Stockill
- NYC Relationship Expert Susan Winter
- David Buss | Troubleshooting Strategies from the Evolution of Desire, TJHS 123
- Chernobyl, HBO
- Just Crack an Egg!
Transcript for How to Deal with Retroactive Jealousy | Feedback Friday (Episode 200)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday, I'm your host Jordan Harbinger and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on The Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests and this week we had my good friend Mark Manson, one of the bestselling authors of the decade with his previous book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Look, he invented putting that on the cover. I know what you're thinking, like, “Oh, one of those.” No, he originated it. Everyone else followed suit because of the success of this book. We get into a great conversation about how us humans find meaning and why this, the way that we find meaning actually leads us to be such miserable a-holes sometimes, and of course we'll talk about what we can do about this. We also had my other good friend Remit Sethi, one of my first podcast guests ever 12-plus years ago. He came to visit. We had another great conversation about how to think about money, automate finances, and think about value in our lives so that we can optimize not only our financial situation but our enjoyment of the resources that we do have. So there's a lot of psychology in there, not just like make a budget and cut back on lattes. In fact, he takes serious issues with that kind of advice. And both of these guys are so freaking smart and I just love it when I get a chance to sit down and be in the mix with people as sharp as them. So their work is really worthwhile and those conversations are really worthwhile in my opinion. I also write every so often on the blog. The latest post is about how to find a mentor and make the most of the relationship. This is one of the most requested topics that I've written about recently and that's on the website at jordanharbinger.com/articles. So make sure you go back and have a listen to those episodes and have a look at that article.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:37] And of course, and our primary mission always is to pass along experiences and insights to you and we love having conversations directly with you in a way here. And that's what we're doing today on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at firstname.lastname@example.org and if you can keep it moderate in length, it always helps us out. The wall of text is a little intimidating sometimes. Jason, what's new? What's going on in your world, Man?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:59] Dude, and I don't know if you noticed, but this is episode 200.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:03] You know, I didn't notice until we started doing this and I went, “Wait, 200.”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:08] 200 after we start from starting from zero. Yep. We made it this far.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:11] Yeah, we've barely been doing this for a year at this point. I mean the new show, of course. This is our 12th year that we're in now.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:21] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:22] I believe or are we in the 13th year. Eh, we’ll do that math later.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:25] Here's the deal. It's been a long time.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:27] It's been a long time. Yeah. I got to go back and do some subtraction, some complicated subtraction when we get off the mic here. Yeah. Wow. 200 good. I'm grateful to hear this and I look at the show recently and I just think we've had some pretty dang good conversations. We've had some great guests on and we have a lot of attention on us right now from people that matter that can help us get even more interesting conversations going. So there's a lot that we can work with this year. I'm excited for the next a hundred because it seems like episode 100 we were getting back into our stride. Episode 200, we’re really hitting it. So it's always exciting to see the evolution of the show and people, people are very supportive of it. So I think everyone that is sitting here listening to this right now as well, and I want to respect their time by getting to the first thing out of the mailbag.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:15] Hi, Jordan, Jason, Jen. I have a secret that I've never shared with anyone. My parents are first cousins. My parents told me when I was 11 or 12 years old, and I hate carrying this around with me, but the thought of sharing this with anyone who knows me personally makes me extremely uncomfortable. My boyfriend of four years knows almost everything about me except for this. I can't bring myself to tell anyone about this. I shared this information with some friends in middle school not knowing what I was doing and suffice it to say that it was a bad idea and I regretted it. I just feel a lot of shame over this because although it wasn't anything that I had any control over, it is somewhat tied to my identity. Do I have to tell my future partner and family about this? I feel that with the growing prevalence of DNA testing, this kind of information is bound to be discovered eventually and I don't want my future family and kids to think I kept this from them. However, I also don't think this truly matters in terms of raising a family. First cousins are not that close and both my sister and I turned out to be completely healthy. I've carried this for over a decade and I've never known what to do with it. Thank you all so much for all that you do. Best Weighed Down.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:19] Yikes. I'm sort of confused about how this would happen, but I guess it's not sibling stuff. It's cousin stuff, which actually is super, super common especially back in the day. Queen Victoria, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein. They all married their first cousins and turns out the risk of any genetic issue is very rare. The problems arise from recessive genes, which don't really affect people with single copies. It's when you have that dual recessive and there's a lot of populations that are more inbred that have that. But anyway, I mean, I know how this might've happened. I'm just curious how it all went down and wasn't nipped in the bud. I mean, you hear about this kind of thing, but you know, you, you rarely ever hear it. Well, I guess you don't hear it first hand because maybe now, because it doesn't happen, but because people go, “I'm not telling people about this.”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:09] Yeah, that seems more like it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:11] Yeah, that does seem more likely. So, all right, so you're right here. You don't want to hide something and then have it caused issues later on. But what you do want to do is go get some genetic screening and make sure you're not carrying some dual recessive trait that could cause problems later when you have your own kids. You're not marrying your sister or something, you're not pulling a Jaime Lannister. So you should be okay. The real genetic threat for most situations like this is between closer relatives. So cousins can, as far as I know, still have some danger of recessive traits, but it's much more rare. And it really does sound country though. So I get where she's coming from, where he's coming from here. I get why you might not want to be super public about this. And we're all adults now. So if you're thinking about getting hitched and having kids, you should just be more open about this. It's not middle school where this is going to slip out and everyone's going to find out and know about it. It's something you can speak to your significant other and be like, “This is highly confidential and highly embarrassing. But the practicalities here say we should get genetic screening because this random low occurrence thing could happen and we might want to be careful about it.” So get it from a doctor though. Don't get your genetic screening from a spit test that you take over the internet. And the reason isn't because they're super inaccurate or they lie to you. It's because the doctor is responsible for saying, “I've found something and here it is.” Whereas these genetic tests on the internet I think are kind of like, “Here's your genome. You're welcome. Bye.” All right. You need to make sure that you're healthy. So this way when you go tell your boyfriend, you can caveat the whole thing with like, ”All right, this might sound weird, but I'm all good and I got genetic screening and I have a clean bill of health from my doctor. So it's nothing to worry about. But I don't want you to find out later that my parents are cousins. What do you want for lunch?” Something like that, right? Slide it in there. And sure your boyfriend might not be able to get that one banjo riff from deliverance out of his head for a couple of days, but he loves you and should be able to get over this as long as it's not going to cause health problems with his kids later on down the line. And even if there is some danger of that, there are ways around all of that of course. And I totally get why you've kept this a secret. And I suppose what's important is that you're healthy and that your family was supportive growing up. So who cares if they were cousins. Jason, let me get that riff one more time.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:40] And I know just for me, this isn't something that would bother me in the least. You know, it happens no big deal. I can understand why she's upset about it and wants to get it out there and not have this secret over her head, which I think is the more important thing for her health down the line is just the stress of keeping that secret can actually cause more health problems than anything else.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:58] Totally. I can imagine someone telling me this and being like, “Well, it's a little weird and not ideal, but it's not going to affect the health of everything so whatever.” And then you just kind of forget about it. But someone holding that secret for 20 years and hoping nobody else finds out, and then the other person is like, “Why did you hide that?” And you're just thinking, “Wow, the amount of sleepless nights.” You should, you'll shorten your lifespan. Keeping a secret like that.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:19] Yeah. And it's not worth it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:21] No. You can get that conversation over within 15 minutes, I think.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:25] Yeah. Honestly, if any of my girlfriends ever told me that, it'd be like a big whoop.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:29] Yeah. Like I said it's not a Lannister, so it's really not that big of a deal.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:33] No doubt. There's no Joffrey coming out of this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:37] Yeah, that's right. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:38] Hey, Jordan. Two months ago, a creep from my girlfriend's old high school job contacted her asking if he could rub her feet for $500 a week. He promised it would be nothing sexual. I highly doubt that. She said, “No way. I gave him a call and gave him a piece of my mind. He ended up apologizing and asked if he could take us out to dinner in a kind of desperate, unhinged way. I respectfully declined. Since then, she's been contacted by two more creeps asking if she could financially dominate them.
[00:09:09] What does financially dominating mean?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:10] I think what he's saying is they would pay for her to dominate that, I don't know, but I can only assume what he meant was they're willing to pay for her to dominate them. Not she's going to financially dominate them.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:23] Yeah. It was odd -- So to financially dominate them to scratch their humiliation itch. She either ignores them or kindly declines. Her phone number is posted publicly online because she's a real estate agent. I'm wondering if some creep posted her in a form for these kinds of fetishes online. I can't think of any other way these weirdos are finding her. Lastly, her job requires her to visit empty homes one-on-one with clients. It's very easy for a stranger to book a showing with her and to meet her alone in a house. I bought her a taser and tried to go with her to eat, showing with her at an open house, but I can't always be with her. How should I handle this? And to help keep her safe and relieve myself of the worry that one of these creeps will bring her harm. Thanks. Sincerely, Anti-Cree Hunter.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:07] So this is a really strange one and here's the thing, you should report these occurrences to the police when they happen and make a note of this when it happens each time along with the numbers that they come from. And we know from our Joe Navarro Episode and our Gavin de Becker episodes that the only way to deal with some things like this is to completely ignore the communication and she also needs to make sure she's keeping a log of who comes to the home and when maybe use a Google Docs so that someone else has access. It's not just sitting on her phone or her laptop. Maybe you have accessed maybe someone else in the office has accessed, probably you, but also since she's only showing homes for people, these people will often have Wi-Fi in the home, right? Unless it's new construction, never had a tenant that chances are the Internet is still going.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:53] She can purchase a drop cam, she can get a nest cam or another device and look, if they don't have internet tethered, create a Wi-Fi network with your phone, or get one of those little mobile hotspots or something like that. It's cheap security. Those are like 40 bucks a month. Get a drop cam, a nest cam, some other device, make sure they're mounted and pointed at the door, the front door, and make them totally obvious so that people see them when they walk in. And if people ask, and even if they don't ask, you can say, “Oh yeah, we're monitored 24/7 for security purposes.” For normal people, they'll just be like, “Okay, cool, whatever.” But for a potential creep, this should be enough to scare them a little bit. If I walk in and I'm staring at a drop cam and I'm thinking I'm going to steal this woman's laptop, the first thing I do is say, “Oh, ah, sorry, I got a call from the office. I got to go, I'll come back another time,” and then never go back again. The jig is up immediately. So this works when she's showing an open house, but it won't work when she's driving someone around doing other showings. And I get that when she's doing that, she should consider something like asking for someone's driver's license when they first meet so that she can make sure she's got all their info down correctly. If someone's scoffs, she can simply say, “Look, it's company policy for me to take that info. We don't use it for marketing.” I think normal people again will be pretty okay with this. Yeah, you'll get some privacy nuts, but you can then say, “Look, you know, I'm a single woman taking people around privately, so this is part of my own safety.” If they don't get it after that, if that's like the third rung, because you don't want to scare away your customers, but if they don't get it after that, then you know how worth it is for you to be nervous the entire time. And that said, “If someone's a predator, they might not even care. They're a danger to anyone, especially a lone female in a job like this, regardless of whether or not her number ended up on a foot fetish site. I would ask, “Have you run searches for her number online?” You know, what about her name? Do you have Google alerts set up for that? Because you might find something strange or creepy online that you can then say, “Hey, this person posted my phone number.” And a lot of times, administrators of these boards, these weird message boards, they don't want to get sued. It's a fetish thing, but they don't want to get shut down. So they might be like, “Oh, this is listed as something else, like a massage place or whatever. Let me delete that.” You know you can ask them to do that. They might not reply, but they might.
[00:13:14] And that said, I want to caveat this because just because some people are creepy or they have a fetish doesn't mean that they're dangerous. There's a lot of people that have these fetishes that watch this stuff that is not like dangerous to society. It's just a little strange and, of course, the ones calling a random number, you don't know what her number listed as. It could be like, “Hey foot fetish, phone sex girl phone number. Toes are Us.” It might not say, “Here's this real estate agent I knew in high school. Call and scare her.” You know that they might not know what they're getting into, so you don't have to worry that just because someone maybe seems a bit pathetic in their approach, it doesn't mean that they're going to become a stalker or something like that. Like this guy desperately asking you to dinner. He just sounds lonely. It sounds like he's lonely and strange.
[00:14:00] However, I still completely understand why you're worried about this. I would be worried about this as well, just if I were in your shoes and the best thing you can do is take precautions here. Use the Google Doc, get their info, put the Wi-Fi cameras in the open house. Another thing I would consider, especially when she's doing showings and driving around there are dash cams. You can find these on Amazon. There are other places near you that will professionally install a dashcam that they carry. They look great. They don't have wires going everywhere. They basically will replace the rear view mirror or hang from it. They're not expensive. They're noticeable enough that when someone gets in the car, they'll go, “Oh, there's a car camera in here,” and it can film everyone in the car. You can have a passenger cam. They make these, now that everyone's driving Uber and Lyft, they make these specifically now for that market. And she can also say, “Oh, don't mind my weird rear view. People always ask, it's a dashcam it the inside and the outside of the car in case I get hit while driving or even while I'm parked. You know, never can be too careful. Never had to use it. Thankfully.” And anybody who's a predator in that situation and doesn't want to get caught is going to think twice because now they're already on the camera. It's timestamped. She could say, “Yeah, it records directly to the cloud.” I mean you can just say whatever the hell you want at that point. And this will definitely give someone pause knowing they're already on camera at the second they get in the car and that footage could be in the cloud. This one gives me a little bit of the creeps so I definitely feel you on this. And speaking of feeling you can I rub your earlobes for $100. It's nothing sexual life, I promise. You just have really nice earlobes.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:29] And you said you bought her a taser. Make sure she's practiced with it and knows how to use it because. Just because she has one and has never used it, you want it to have muscle memory and practice with that. Just like any weapon that you own. You need to train with it and you need to know exactly how it feels, what it's going to do and make sure that she is very comfortable with it because if she pulls it out, doesn't know what she's doing, somebody else could take it from her and use it on her because that's usually what happens. So get her trained up on that for sure. I'm sure they have classes where you bought it or if not, go check out the local gun ranges because I'm sure they're going to have classes.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:04] Yeah. Good take on that. That makes sense. I think a lot of people with weapons, guns, tasers otherwise, they just ended up shooting themselves or losing it or not knowing how to turn it on in a hurry.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:15] Exactly. That's why you want to get muscle memory around that. You want to be able to take it out. You want to have it in a place that is accessible at all times and be able to pull it out, engage it, use it, and get away.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:28] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:32] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.
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Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:29] This episode is also sponsored by Blue Diamond Almonds.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:33] Honey roasted-flavored almonds, Sriracha-flavored almonds, wasabi and soy sauce-flavored almonds. Do I have your attention? Why keep snacking on boring chips when you could go to the store and pick up Blue Diamond Almonds right now. Whether you're going to work bored at work or leaving work. These almonds are the perfect snack. The best part is that I don't hate myself when I eat a bunch like some of those other snacks. What are you waiting for? You know you can listen to this podcast on your way to the store, right now? So don't deny your cravings. Go pick up some great flavors right now. Eat them. Blue Diamond Almonds crave victoriously.
[00:19:10] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan harbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, hit on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:37] All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:38] Hi, J, J, and J. I work in corporate for a Fortune 500 retailer. I love my job, but I don't love the corporate culture. I drive an hour and a half, work all day, commute another hour and a half home, have dinner, sleep, repeat.
[00:19:50] Oh, three-hour commute.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:52] Yeah. Yuck.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:53] That’s tough -- during the workweek, there isn’t a semblance of a life outside of work. My job is in a not-so-great town, so it's not desirable to move there. Plus in close to two years, I've worked there and commuted from my parents' house. I've been able to accelerate my loan payments and completely pay them off. There are no food options, daycare, gym, social work events or really any amenities at our corporate campus. There are a lot of great companies out there that do offer their employees benefits outside of healthcare and time off that truly improve the corporate culture and morale. I know one in particular in a nearby city that has full gym fitness classes, a personal trainer, and sports teams. You can join just to name a few. I've been doing really well at my current company and enjoy the people I work with, but I'm struggling with when is the right time to leave one company for another. I'm 26 single and have the ability to move for any job. I would only move to another company if it was a title bump. Moving laterally wouldn't make sense and I'm honestly close to being for a title bump as it is. Also, I have a boss that has a reputation for keeping people longer than they should be in a position because they're too valuable for her to lose which results in them missing out on a promotion that would have moved them to another team in the company. Ultimately, my questions are these -- when is the right time or the wrong time to leave a current company for another?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:06] So let me jump in here. The right time to leave is when you think you're overdue for a promotion and you've brought it up with the company, the manager, and you're not getting it for some reason. There's a host of other considerations. It is really up to you, but it's good to be looking for a job when you're in a solid position already and willing to make the leap and you've been somewhere for longer than a couple of years, so it doesn't just look like you're job-hopping. And that sounds like it's the case here.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:29] When you were early on in your career, who do you list as a reference? If you want to interview quietly elsewhere when the most important reference would likely be someone at your current company,
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:38] Recruiters, HR, they're generally very understanding about this and they know that you can't use your current employer as a reference when you're leaving. So it should, you should just be honest about that. But you can still use other people as references so friends, relatives may be clients that you've worked with and are close to. If you've got a really tight coworker potentially you could do that too. Or like a former boss inside that same company that doesn't have any incentive to share this with anyone. You might be able to get somebody to do that. And so don't sweat that too much. People get that. You can't just be like, “Oh yeah, I'm secretly leaving Apple. But here's my bosses phone number.” I mean they know that, that you can't do that
Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:18] If you do land the new gig. Do you tell your current employer exactly where you're going?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:23] No, not right now. So if you're thinking, “Oh, I'm going to start in three months and I'm putting in my two weeks, or my four weeks are finishing up this project.” You shouldn't tell them where you're going. You're going to obviously have to give them notice, but you shouldn't tell them where you're going. And there are a few reasons here. One is because while we love to think the best of everyone there is a chance smaller or not small, that your current employer might know someone at the new company and potentially jeopardize your position before you even start your job. And if your employer asks you directly, I would answer in a general way and say something along the lines of, “I'm still exploring a few options in X, Y, Z industry or our industry, but I'm not sure where I plan to go yet. They don't really have a right to ask. There's no reason if you don't need their help, they don't need to know. It's just curiosity. They can wait. You really don't want that one percent chance that somebody has it out for you and decides, “Oh well my friend over there is the head of HR and I can sort of hang out with him on Friday and tell him a bunch of BS about why they shouldn't hire this person because I don't like, I don't like Angela. Screw her. I don't want her to get a job that I should have.” Or, “I don't want her to succeed and she's finally leaving and I can put my foot in her butt on the way out the door.” Like, you don't want to give anybody a reason to do that and they have no need to know
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:41] Is claiming corporate culture and upward mobility for the reason for the change sounded like a #millennial problem? Sincerely, The Culturally Unfit Employee.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:50] Well asking this question with a hashtag sounds like a millennial problem. You might want to look into that.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:54] Seriously.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:55] But this is totally normal and reasonable, especially the part about upward mobility. Sure. Culture in a way might be a bit of a millennial thing, but millennials, we are no longer --maybe I should just speak for myself -- we're no longer the 20 something jackoffs in the office that take ourselves too seriously now with the 30 something jackoffs in the office. Okay, that takes ourselves too seriously. We're like a third to half the workforce. I didn't look up the statistics, but I can -- look, I know how old I am and how old millennials are and the size of the workforce. This isn't just corporate culture. This is culture and the location of the position and the three-hour freaking commute and your current supervisor blocking upward mobility inside the company. There's a big difference between that and ”Weh, they won't let me ride a scooter down the hallway and install a slide in the lobby.” These are legitimate concerns that you have. It's not like, “Oh, our micro kitchen doesn't have GT’s kombucha,” which is a shame, by the way, I feel for you, but this is not something that someone's going to roll their eyes at. I think even my dad who had a crazy commute and worked like six days a week and put it into a hundred-hour workweek at Ford when I was growing up. I think he would go, “90-minutes each way and it's horrible. Weh, that's terrible.” He would go, “Why do you spend so much time in the car? It is a waste of your life, not just of your productive time.” It's a waste of your life. Who would not kill for three hours a day extra to do whatever they want to improve themselves? I mean, you're just sitting in a car. Hopefully, you're listening to this show, learning something but still, you could be at the gym doing that, right? Instead of guiding a chunk of steel down a crowded highway. Anyway, best of luck in the new position and good calls staying with this position long enough to get experience as well as paying down your loans. Having less debt means more freedom for you in the long run because you don't have to stay with a job that you don't like because of the salary. So being debt-free in this way equals freedom. So pat yourself on the back for that. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:56] Triple J, I've been working for a tech company for a few months. In that time I've been asked to take on a ton of responsibility and been given special assignments like hosting events and representing them at industry conferences. My boss and the executive team want me to do even more, basically being a public face for our company. This would be a new role that I'd be creating that didn't exist. I'm currently making $5,000 a month for part-time. The new role would be substantially more significant and other people make $200,000 plus at competing firms. I'm worried the company has no reference on how much I should be paid. How should I go about asking for this huge jump even though I know I'm worth it? What if they don't give it to me? Is it worth getting high-profile experience at less salary? Thanks in advance. Anxious Rockstar.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:39] This is a tough one, but first start looking for jobs elsewhere even if you don't plan on leaving and this gives you more leverage because you don't know. This could be, “Oh we meant to tell you we're going to pay you even less because we feel like this job is great exposure for you and you’re going to work twice as much.” You just don't know how this is going to shake out and having the keys to the prison is a very, very good way to go about this. I would listen to the episodes on negotiation with Alex Kouts. We'll link to those in the show notes. If they don't give it to you, the bump that is, but they expect you to do the work, you should leave and go elsewhere so that you can get paid what you're worth. Unless the experience is such that you're just like, “Wow, my learning curve is amazing. This is epic. I can't believe I'm getting paid to learn this and then stay for a few months and then immediately start looking for other positions during this whole process.” If they can't pay you because it's a startup, negotiate stock options or equity instead. If you really believe in the company like I get it. If a startup says, “Look, we need you to be the face of the brand. We didn't even know this position would exist. We are super tight. We're trying to get series A or series B, whatever, funding.” Then I get it and then you say, “Cool, I'm happy to do this. If I'm really the right person for the job, I want 100,000 shares.” You know you can ask for things like that. These are what make people, by the way, rich AF in Silicon Valley anyway, equity and stock options. Your revenue is great, if you own a company and you're making a lot of revenue, what makes you rich is your own stock options in a company and then five years later it goes public at 90X. That's what makes people turn people from sharing a room to chartering a yacht for their vacation with their buddies. I'm not kidding. I've seen it happen a bunch of times. Jason, you're just talking about this yesterday online.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:28] Yup, yup. A couple of my buddies just with all of their options at Uber became multi-multi-multimillionaires.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:34] Yeah, and these are people that could have either invested early or started working in the driver acquisition department first year out of college. You know, it could be anybody who gets options like that.
[00:28:46] Anyway, while you're looking at other positions, find out how much other positions similar to the one that they want you to do are paid. And yes, you're creating a role. So you might have to mash things together, but it's not going to be too hard. If you're doing recruiting on-campus and you're also doing all of the media or something like that, just sort of add those together and round down because you're going to end up doing those jobs yourself. Those will be your comps. That'll show you what the position is worth to similar companies. And you can also bring ideas to the table and show the types of projects that you'll execute and the value that you'll deliver to the company once you're in that full-time position. So look up briefcase technique. We talked about this maybe last month on Feedback Friday. And Ramit Sethi who's one of our guests this week has a great article about the briefcase technique. You can go to the table and say, “Here are three project ideas, here’s my outline for these projects, and these are product projects executed by so-and-so at a different company, at this type of fee structure. I'll be doing that. I'll be doing this. Here's the outline for this. Here's how I would execute that.” I mean, you're just going to blow them away and somebody else who's like, “Yeah, I'd get on Instagram.” It's like they're just not going to be able to compete with you. Briefcase technique. We'll link to that in the show notes.
[00:29:57] And like I said, look, if they don't give this to you, then you have to strongly way the experience you feel you're getting to the money that you could be getting paid elsewhere. It's not that you're not being paid what you're worth, it's that you are losing money, not doing this job where you would be paid more. It's an opportunity cost. So if you're getting an amazing experience, like if you -- look, if someone said, “Hey Jordan, we need you to host a show on NPR for six months. We're not going to pay you though.” I'd be like, “Great, I could really use that. I'm going to be sitting next to Terry Gross the whole time.” Something like that. I would do that. But if they're like, “We really need you to edit audio for us here at NPR and it's going to be free.” I would go, “You know, I don't need that experience in my life right now, so pass.” I'll go find another job. You won't really be able to go back to part-time in my opinion, because to them it'll just look like you turned down the work even though you actually turned down the lack of compensation for a different job, which is something you should turn down. So no, just getting to be an underpaid slave for another company that doesn't understand your value, that's unlikely to have any sort of intangible benefit that makes up for what sounds like it's almost going to be close to a $140,000 shortfall on salary. I just can't get the math to work for you here. So listen to those negotiation episodes. We'll link to them in the show notes. Remember that your best hedge against this is to find other positions where you'd be paid for this sort of work. It doesn't mean you can't do the job for less than 200K to get experience or work for a company that you really love. But if they're paying you for part-time work and they want you to work full-time, they have to pay you for full-time work. You do the job for a while, then negotiate another raise or leave for someone who will. I hope that helps. Keep me posted. I'm very curious how this shakes out.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:48] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:51] This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help. This has been just killing it lately. I love this service because it's online therapy or counseling, so depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, sleeping, trauma, anger, family stuff. They've got professional counselors that specialize in each of these things. It's safe, it's private, it's all confidential, of course. And what's great about doing it on your phone is you don't have to commute. You don't have to park, you don't have to worry about when you're going to time it. Everything is really flexible, the video or phone sessions or you can even text with your therapist. So it's very, very flexible when it comes to that and it's definitely more affordable than trying to go see someone in your local town regularly and far more convenient. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:32] Best of all, it's a truly affordable option for our listeners and you can get 10 percent off your first month with discount code JORDAN, so get started today. Go to betterhelp.com/jordan and simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you'll love. That's betterhelp.com/Jordan for 10 percent off your first month.
[00:32:49] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air and I mean that literally. So to learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:07] All right, Jason, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:09] Hi, Triple J. For the past few months, I've been using Six-Minute Networking to re-engage with my friends and mentors who are no longer in my immediate social circle. It's been so rewarding to talk with all of these people. Again, I have a personal CRM to remind me when to contact members of my network, but I have a couple of clarification questions. When re-engaging with your network, what do you say to them? I'll often ask how they're doing, but I don't want to be sending them the same message to people every X weeks. Should it just be as simple as saying, “I was just thinking of you today.” I don't want to spend too much time each week trying to find something to say to my contacts. Also, if it's a professional contact that you don't have as close of a personal connection with, what should you say?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:47] So I do have the script laid out for this in Six-Minute Networking. If you want to change it up, you can use something like, “You popped into my head this morning,” or, “I was reflecting on our previous conversation and I thought I'd reach out.” That should do the trick. That works for both personal and professional contacts. I would stay away from, “Thinking about you,” which could easily be misinterpreted, especially by somebody of the opposite sex that could blow up in your face. It's funny, Jason, this reminds me of the Bertcast when I was on Bert Kreischer's podcast a couple of weeks ago, and I was trying to teach him this and he kept typing in things like, “Just thinking of you.” And he sent it to like his gun dealer.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:23] Yeah, that was funny. That was really funny.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:27] He was laughing so hard. He turned purple and I thought, “Okay--”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:31] I've killed Bert.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:32] Yeah, I've killed Bert Kreischer. Or like, “Does this require the Heimlich maneuver or do we need to just elevate his feet? Like what do we do now?” And he was doubled over in like in pain from laughing because he wasn't sticking to the script and he was writing these things that just sounded, so stupid and funny. So yeah, stay away from anything that could be misinterpreted. It shouldn't be too hard. I mean, I wrote the script because look, you're going to vary it up. No problem. And you're hitting these people up every 45 to 90 days, they’re just not going to remember. And if they're in texts and it's like, “Oh, I scroll up a little bit, I see a similar script.” Who cares? You can say, “Yeah, I remind myself to check in with people and I check in with a lot of people and sometimes I end up reusing some of the same thoughts.” That is not that big of a deal. You're still the only person who is doing this and keeping in touch with them and it's not automated. So there's little room for them to say, “How dare you?” I mean, who cares?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:27] At least somebody is thinking about them.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:28] At least someone's thinking about him. Right, exactly. But I do get the idea that you want to vary it up. So here's two more variations that'll get you through nine months with most people, right?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:37] I as well as many of my networks are currently graduate and undergraduate students scattered across the country in Six-Minute Networking and on the show. You've talked about giving value to your network, such as offering to make introductions or helping them with something they have an issue with. However, as a student, I don't have much to offer in terms of helping out my network. I suppose just reaching out and reminding them how awesome they are now and again maybe enough regardless. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:02] This is also a common misconception that I cover in Six-Minute Networking, which is you don't need to introduce people upward or have these super high-value contacts at first. You can connect people to one another as well anywhere it's appropriate. So this is why Six-Minute Networking works even if you think, “Well, I don't know anyone,” or, “I don't have any money, it doesn't matter.” That's why a college student who has a decent network can be a value to a billionaire because the billionaire goes, “Why is my Wikipedia keep getting screwed up? This is so annoying. I'm going to hire a PR firm.” And then somebody who's an intern in their office says, “Oh, you know what, I know somebody who knows about Wikipedia, I'll fix this for you.” And they go, “Oh wow, okay, cool.” Or their nephew says, “Hey, my friend knows about this stuff,” and you end up being a value to that person because your network is unique to you. You have connections that they may not have and even super well-connected people who know everyone, they might be in almost a bubble of high-level connections, which is a great bubble to be in. But think about this, when I interviewed Eric Schmidt, who was the former chairman and CEO of Google -- that episode is coming up soon -- after the interview he goes, “Wow, I was going to do something like this. And I had all these consultants come in and teach me how to use lighting and cameras and there are all these big professional things and they all ride in on dollies and they weigh a ton and I have to rent them and have them shipped,” and he goes, “This all fits into that case.” Because our portable gear all fits into a Pelican case, which is kind of like a waterproof giant suitcase. He starts taking photos of this and he goes, “Jordan, I don't know if it's a trade secret or if you'd be willing to share a list of this equipment.” And I said, “Of course. And I offered to set it up for him.” So basically he went from spending potentially multiple six figures on gear to do media. And he goes, “Oh, this all fits into a case. I want this instead.” So his assistant and I are talking and Jen about getting this gear for Eric Schmidt and setting it up and helping him do it because it's simple and it works. This is one of the wealthiest people on the planet. He was in charge of one of the biggest tech companies in the world that's ever existed in history. He has compared to most of us unlimited resources almost to the level of mystical power. And yet, he needs me to help him set up his podcast, mobile podcast studio because that's the value that's there.
[00:38:28] And so there's no reason that somebody who's a college student doesn't have value to offer somebody in a powerful position. You probably know a ton about subjects that this other person has never thought of or heard of, so don't be afraid to leverage that.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:40] How often do you suggest keeping in contact with people in your network since you don't want to message people too much? I have people split into biweekly 14 days for very close friends and family, monthly, quarterly, and semi-annually. Thanks for all the work you do. Sincerely, Networking Newbie.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:55] So the buckets, the lengths of time between keeping touch with people. I think I discussed this before, but I do 21 days for family and close friends, 45 days for closer connections and 90 days for everyone else. Your buckets sound fine. You don't need to change them. I was not scientific really in the way that I set those up. They were just suggestions from the CRM Contactually that I use and so I kept them. I'm really glad you're putting this stuff to use. That is great to hear and look, if you're trying to get your mind wrapped around some networking stuff, you don't want to spend a lot of time doing it. Our course Six-Minute Networking is free. It always will be free. There's no upsell at the end. You don't need to put in your credit card, nothing. It's at jordanharbinger.com/course. Oh, and by the way, somebody said, “Why do you do it then? If it's free, I've completed it. It's free. There is no upsell. I didn't have to put in my card. Why do you do this?” I know that if I teach 100,000 people this skill set and 10,000 to maybe 10,000 of them actually do it, then the returns to the world are huge, but the returns to me, let's be real. The returns to me over that time are going to be enormous because even if one percent of that amount of people is like, “Wow, Jordan, this really changed my life. I owe you one,” and then within the next 50 years, they think of me for an opportunity. I have so many more opportunities in my life that more than I'll ever be able to handle. Plus people will share it as a course and people will get into the show because of it, which also helps Jason and I and Jen pay those bills. So there's a lot in it for me. It's just not your money and it's not you're selling your personal information or some other BS. It's more of a super long-term play that improves the world in the worst case, so I'm cool with that. All right, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:39] Hello, longtime listener and I've heard you recommend therapy over the years for many issues, so it seems like Better Help is a great sponsor for your show. I don't have severe mental health issues, but I have thought about getting therapy for a while to help with some of my insecurities and anxiety. I checked out Better Help and it was more expensive than I thought it would be. Is it actually cheaper than in-office therapists? Is therapy usually covered in traditional work health options? I know a lot of your listeners have mentioned the cost of therapy is an issue over the years. I imagined that I make too much money to be eligible for a reduced rate, but I have a lot of debt and $65 a week sounds like a lot. How do you evaluate what is more of a priority in a budget? Paying down debt or investing in mental wellbeing, especially when the debt is something that causes a lot of anxiety and insecurity. Thanks, Anxious and On a Budget.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:26] So many people are writing to us about therapy. Like if I didn't know any better I'd be like this whole show is so in the pocket of Better Help. Like Jordan, you, you're a bastard really isn't the case. They've run like a handful of ads. I assume they'll renew now cause we're probably sending them a ton of people. But really you guys are writing us about therapy a lot, which tells me I'm on kind of the right track here. I told Jen, I was like, “Can we knock off some of these therapy-related questions?” She's like, “There are so many.” So don't worry. I am cognizant of that here. But most therapy to answer your question isn't covered by insurance, unfortunately. Most therapists I've ever been to are upwards of 100 bucks an hour and I don't think I'm going to like Hollywood-celebrity therapists. I think I'm going to needs-to-make-a-living therapist. So Better Help is definitely more affordable. Our code for Better Help is betterhelp.com/jordan. You get 10 percent off your first month, so it makes it a really a lot better of a deal. Even when I was like a broke student, I’ve been able to pay less than 50 to 65 bucks per session. So if you're an employed adult, I think 65 bucks per week is actually quite good especially the access you get with Better Help that you can text and call and all that stuff. And I hear you though. Debt and insecurity, they're a big deal. They're linked. If you're sure the reason you're feeling anxiety is only because of your debt, then yeah, pay down the debt. Like if this is just something that the neurotically eating away at you, then yeah, pay that debt down.
[00:42:51] But if you have other issues going on, then mental health is just not a luxury. It can't wait. You can pay down the debt and get therapy. Yes, it'll take longer to pay down the debt. I get that. But if there are other things bugging you, you're not just stressed out about this or you've got other depression or anxiety issues, which is very possible, then you'll be happier in the long run if you engage in a little mental health here, student debt is something that is going to be with you for a while regardless. And that the interest is usually so low. I don't know if this is still true, but when I was a student, interest on student loans was actually lower than just throwing money into a bank account. So it's not worth paying that off early because you're literally profitable, not paying it off. And I can explain that later if people care, but you have to decide if being happy and healthy can wait and I don't think it can, but only you can be the judge of that. You know, if you're just being eaten away by this debt, pay it off. But if you're being eaten away by a bunch of stuff in debt, it happens to be one of those things and then go get therapy and straighten it out. Life's too short to be unhappy. It really is. All right. What's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:53] Hi, Jordan and team. I work at a licensing startup. I started working on an entry-level team, but after about a month I was shifted to working mostly solo managing assets while checking in daily with one of the CEOs and two overseers. I recently had my three-month review and the company gave me a raise, but also another 30-days while they decide where to place me before talking about salary and benefits. I used to stay an extra 30 minutes a day collecting notes to create a training program for them. The company is open to input from employees. Unfortunately, one of my overseers seems closed-minded and stubborn. He admitted that new hires don't retain their training. He said that he doesn't mind if I organize notes on my own time but also doesn't think it will be effective. He told me he likes me but feels that I over-complicate the work. After the review, he came outside to make sure I was okay even though I wasn't upset at all, which I found belittling because I'm a woman, I can't take criticism or need to be cuddled. I explained that I'm a critical thinker, researcher, and problem solver, but we'll try to take things at face value while I'm still training. I feel like he doesn't understand people or management isn't seeing my potential value because of his closed-mindedness. I'm trying to keep my head down during the extension of my review period, but I'm convinced creating a thorough training guide will help the company and will prove my potential. Any advice? Sincerely, Let Me Help, Goddammit.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:11] Okay. There are a few things here. First thing though, this is maybe a little bit of a tangent, but how do you know he came outside to see if you're okay just because you're a woman? Did I miss something, Jason? Maybe there's more to the story here, but I don't see anything in what she wrote to indicate that this is the case. It's just a thought, but maybe he's stubborn. Maybe he doesn't see the potential in creating a training program. But yeah, maybe he's got his head up his butt, but it sounds like he at least cared enough to see if you were feeling okay after a performance review. I don't know.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:44] It's hard to tell without seeing the guy and his vocal tonality when he came out and what he was like when he came out. Because if he came out and started mansplaining and talking down to her, you know, it might have been self-evident, but since we weren't there, it's really hard for us to judge.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:57] Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I just sometimes I've become more sensitive to both sides of this story. I mean, I've gotten messages from people like, “How dare you?” And I'm like, “Oh, here's why we didn't do this.” And they're like, Oh, oops, sorry.” And I'm like, “Why did you just assume I hated people of color because that didn't work out?” And they're like, “I don't know. I just, you know, I'm watching the news. Sorry, bro.” Or I've gotten that a lot and I'm just thinking like, “Geez, you know, give people the benefit of the doubt here.” But yeah, maybe he's got his head so far up his butt. This is like the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know.
[00:46:29] In any case, a lot of ideas don't get support before they're proven, especially in corporate culture. I mean that's, that's like corporate culture 101. Beat the idea, prove it so well and then higher up still don't get it. And you're just ramming your head through the freaking screen of your computer. What you're doing now shows initiative. It will help future employees in the company. Obviously, in fact, I think one of our tips a few months ago was while you're going through training and company documents the whole thing and turn it into a valuable piece for the company. I think that was our idea.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:01] Yeah, it was.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:02] Not that she got it from us, but I think that was literally something we talked about on the show and I got that, of course, from people who are hiring and they're like, “My best employee is the one that did this and I knew it right then that this was a great person.” This is a good thing to do. This documenting of the training process, even if your direct supervisor doesn't get it, he might just not get it yet, and even if he never gets it, it doesn't mean that nobody will ever get it. It doesn't mean nobody will understand the value here. You could present what you create to the CEO. You could present it to the head of HR or recruiting, which will make both your boss and you look good. Even if he didn't do squat. Remember Guy Kawasaki told us, your job is to make your boss look good and even if you make your boss look good and he's an ass, people will figure this out pretty damn quick. Because if everyone else makes him look like a schmuck because he's an ass and you make him look good, they know it's you. They do and he knows. And after that, after you make him look good and this works, you might get more leeway. Right now, he just sees that what you're doing is something that's not a high priority on his agenda might be because he doesn't know how to solve the problem that you're solving. If he's a bad manager or bad with people, he might go, “Ah, training, you're just supposed to remember it and if you don't, you're a loser and I don't remember it and whatever. Who cares? I got bigger fish to fry.” Once you can prove that you can make the training and retention better, he could recognize this. If he doesn't find you, put your name all over the training program and you present it elsewhere. I mean that literally. When you set up a binder or you make a deck, put your name in the bottom right of every freaking slide, your email like, “Oh just in case you need to reach me, head of HR, I'm email@example.com.” I mean you just throw that in there and they go, “Oh good. Okay, this is identifying.” It doesn't look like you're hogging the credit. It's your contact info. So they're going, “This person is a freaking genius. This is a superstar.” They'll get it, somebody will get it. Right now though, to be fair, you are 90 days in, you're super new to the company. Once you've been there another 30 days cause they extended your probationary period or something. You can show what you've done and if they don't get it by then and you're still checking in with the CEO regularly, like she said, then make sure those you're checking in with, understand what you're doing. And if those people don't get it, if this goes all the way to the top and nobody cares about training new employees, the writing is on the wall for this organization and some ways start looking for another job where they actually care about their incoming employees.t
[00:49:32] From where I sit, I get where their heads are at as well as you, you're new. They don't expect you to do much to change the game. I know whenever we've had new hires here at this company and at other companies that I've worked with, especially sometimes people come in trying to show us how to do something differently and sometimes it's a good idea, but other times they think they're freaking genius and we're just so dense. We don't see the forest through the trees. Meanwhile, we've tried their idea a hundred times, a hundred different ways. They don't know enough about the company to make it work. Okay, and those people don't last long. Then again, we've also hired people who have great input and sometimes it does take us a while to trust them because 90 days isn't really long enough for them to have built trust inside the company. They don't even know how half the business or 80 percent of the business works yet they're still mastering their own job and the program you're building should go a long way to change that. So you're on the right track. Good luck. Keep us posted. All right. Last but not least.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:25] Hey guys, I'm having issues with retroactive jealousy in dealing with my girlfriend's past. It's not even a bad pass, to begin with societally or even by my own standards. I've tried to find resources for myself, but most of what's out there feel very gimmicky with little to no real information or exercises on how to deal with retroactive jealousy. I tend to get intrusive thoughts during sex, particularly when she performs oral on me. Sometimes my mind will start to wander and I'll get images of her doing that for past boyfriends or a hookup. It's not a shameful sort of way, but more in a way that feels like they may not have deserved it or maybe it's me wanting to feel like I do deserve it. I can usually get past it but it still takes me out of the moment. I'm not possessive and I have no trust issues with her. It's really just a passing image, but it's hard to deal with in that regard. I've evaluated it in-depth and I've tried to meditate past it and that works to an extent, but it's hard to find anything constant that will help at the source. Thanks, guys. Stuck in the Past.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:25] So I get this. I've had this. Jason, I feel like all guys get this with their new girlfriends. Isn't it?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:30] Absolutely, dude part of the course.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:32] Right. Okay. Because I'm like I remember getting this a lot with a lot of different women in the beginning of their relationship. It's just a thing that's happened to me throughout my whole life. As long as I can remember being interested in women. Like middle school, high school, college after grad school, up to now, up to my current relationship, this has always been the beginning of the relationship. You get over it. I was talking with Susan Winter who's an amazing sort of honey -- what is she? She's like a coach I guess. A good friend of mine. I called her about this and the first six months-ish of any relationship or the honeymoon phase and it's totally normal to have these thoughts up to a year, year and a half, I think even which is good for you if you're in that phase, that long evolutionary psychology I think does this for some sort of primal reproductive reason. That's probably too involved to get into here. This is Dr. David Buss's question. Basically, your mind is telling you to maintain exclusive rights to your mate during this time so you can reproduce successfully. And I think women get it too, but I believe it's more common in men or -- look, let me take that back. Men definitely have a harder time. Actually, let me take that back too. It happens probably to both of us, I don’t know who has a harder time with it. Men may or may not be more vocal about it because that's who's showing up in my inbox. This does show up for women in other ways too though, so don't worry, you will both get over this after a while. And if this is still causing you issues, let's say in six to eight more months, then address it with a therapist because it probably then indicates a deeper insecurity with you and the relationship. But in the beginning of any new relationship, especially during that romantic love phase, you're par for the course buddy. You're supposed to be kind of torturing yourself over this. I mean, I wouldn't say it's good for you, but I will say that you are not alone on that one. That is just a thing that happens with new relationships every time.
[00:53:28] Life Pro Tip of the Week. Instead of saying my ex say, “Oh a guy or a girl that I dated back in the day.” When people say my ex, it sort of implies that person is still a part of your life and that's fine if it's your ex-husband or ex-wife or something and you know, you share custody with a kid that makes sense. But if you say your ex and then it's like somebody from college and it's been 10 years, it sounds a little, I can't quite put my finger on it, but it sounds like they're still part of your life and that could be unhealthy sounding in a way, in a way that's unintentional.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:54:00] Like you haven't been able to let go.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:54:01] Right, like you're still thinking about them in the context of a relationship, not just this person that you knew way back when that you dated but that's so inconsequential that it's about this current story. It kind of sounds like you're about to tell a relationship related story and it's like, “Ugh, this person again.” So just be cognizant of that. And if you hear people talking like that and you're dating them or you're getting in a relationship with them, it might help to dig a little deeper on those people because it sounds like there's still some baggage leftover. No recommendation this week. We're still watching Chernobyl and will be probably for a while.
[00:54:35] I hope you all enjoy that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us at firstname.lastname@example.org to get your questions answered on the air. We will always keep you anonymous. We're doing some corporate training for some Silicon Valley giants and we will have public-facing events soon so if you're in Six-Minute Networking or on our email list from the website you will be notified from that. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.
[00:55:00] Quick shout out to Liam from the UK. He just wanted to say he's pleased that your advertising is back on with Just Crack An Egg. He lives in the UK and he's been entertained with the window into North American culture that our advertisements have provided for some time. And he says that he loves your read, Jason. He doesn't even eat eggs. He just, and in fact, he finds the concept, not to his liking, but he likes your chirpy reading of it. It brightens and otherwise dismal morning.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:25] Well, that's good to hear. Just crack an egg!
Jordan Harbinger: [00:55:28] That's right. Just crack an egg and says, “Thank you for giving me an insight into weird American products.” It's actually not that weird. It's like a rice bowl. I guess that you crack an egg onto. It's got some other things. There that might be uniquely American. Something where you add an ingredient, a fresh ingredient and that, but the rest of it is the packaged product that you're right. That is a little strange, right? That could be weird.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:49] I don't know. I think they're delicious. So I'm curious if anybody else in the world has something like this because of this. There's crazy food everywhere. Just go to Japan. See what they got.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:55:58] Oh my gosh, yeah. You think our products are weird. Go back and check out the guests, Mark Manson and Ramit Sethi if you haven't yet, and if you want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage my relationships using systems and tiny habits and keep that network bringing opportunity to me, check out our Six-Minute Networking course, which is free over at jordanharbinger.com/course. Don't kick the can down the road. Don't say I'll do it later. You're not too busy. You're spending more time on Instagram than you are doing this networking. Trust me. The number one mistake I see people make is not digging the well before they get thirsty. Once you need those relationships, you're just way too late. These drills will take a few minutes per day. Ignore it at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. You can find that at jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm also on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show and videos of our interviews are up at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:53] You check out my personal website over at jpd.me. I'm going to be posting up some how-to podcast videos coming in the next couple of weeks, which should be kind of fun and you can also check out my other tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show or your podcast player of choice and keep the kids out of the room because it does get a bit salty.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:07] This show is produced in association with PodcastOne and this episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger and show notes for this episode are always by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to email@example.com. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We got a lot more in the pipeline, very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:57:34] If you love our show, you're going to love Say It Forward with Rebecca Rothstein on PodcastOne. Join the financial guru of the stars as she sits down for candid conversations with celebrities and inspiring stories from the people who live them. Download new episodes of Say It Forward every week on Apple Podcasts and PodcastOne.
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