You’re in your 30s, single, and you have a problem with prostitutes. You don’t even really enjoy the experience and you know it’s not worth your time, money, or the legal or health risks, but you still have an irresistible compulsion to continue meeting with them. Even more troubling is that you’ve noticed it’s slowly changing how you see money and women. You know you’d like to settle down with the right woman some day, but you worry that the temptation to cheat on her with a prostitute could ruin everything. It’s out of control. So what can you do? On this Feedback Friday, we’ll try to help you figure out how to quit your prostitute problem (and determine why you have one in the first place).
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? It’s filling up fast; reach out to firstname.lastname@example.org for details!
- Your proclivity for prostitutes is a problem. Perhaps there’s a process to properly put this pricey, precarious, and pointless pursuit out to pasture?
- As a first time juror, how do you balance your desire for justice with impartiality in a difficult-to-prove case? [Thanks to Corbin Payne, Esq. for helping with this one!]
- When everyone has to work harder to make up for the boss’ brother (who pulls full salary but only shows up half the time), can company culture be called to task, or is it just time to move on?
- You wound up on Hertz’s do not rent list as the result of a fraudster stealing cars under your identity. The company refuses to take you off the list in spite of proof you weren’t at fault. Is there any recourse for you?
- You believe you have solid ideas, but no capital or time to develop and market them. Is it possible to sell these ideas to someone with these resources without getting taken advantage of?
- You’ve just turned 18, but feel directionless. While you don’t want to live a “normal” life that’s been played out millions of times, becoming a therapist or trying your hand at standup comedy have crossed your mind. What’s our advice?
- If you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with, what happens when you can’t relate to anyone in your immediate circle since moving to be closer to your spouse’s family in another country and settling for a miserable, underpaying job?
- Your coworker would be more articulate (and effective at his job) if he could only eliminate that Beaky Buzzard-like “duhhhhh” he uses as conversation filler. How can you tactfully suggest ways for him to hone his presentation skills?
- Life Pro Tip: Set a nearby shop as your home address in your vehicle’s navigation system. If someone were to steal your car, the last thing you want is for them to have directions to your house with a set of keys and garage door opener.
- Recommendation of the Week: HBO Axios News
- A quick shoutout to Karina from the Andaz!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, join his podcasting club, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Like true crime tales? The Court Junkie Podcast shines a light on the injustices of the judicial system by delving into court documents, attending trials, and interviewing those close to these trials to root out the whole truth. Check out the Court Junkie Podcast on PodcastOne here!
Resources from This Episode:
- Dennis Rodman | The Worm Is Back, TJHS 258
- Jolene Brighten | Finding Balance Beyond the Pill, TJHS 259
- The Downside to Following Your Intuition by Jordan Harbinger
- Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
- Better Help
- Malcolm Gladwell | What We Should Know about Talking to Strangers, TJHS 256
- Equifax Data Breach Settlement
- General Information Concerning Patents, United States Patent and Trademark Office
- Doctor-Turned-Comedian Ken Jeong Stops His Standup Show to Provide Medical Attention to an Audience Member, ABC News
- The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
- Neal Brennan’s 10 Defining Moments on His Path From Comedy-Club Doorman to Approval Matrix Host, Vulture
- You’re the Average of the Five People You Spend the Most Time With, Business Insider
- Chase Jarvis | Cultivating Your Creative Calling, TJHS 252
- Creative Calling: Establish a Daily Practice, Infuse Your World with Meaning, and Succeed in Work + Life by Chase Jarvis
- Beaky Buzzard, Bring Home Something for Dinner, Warner Bros.
- HBO Axios News
- Mondrian Los Angeles
- Andaz West Hollywood
Transcript for How to Quit Your Prostitute Problem | Feedback Friday (Episode 260)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.
[00:00:20] This week, we had Dennis Rodman. Jason, how do we explain Dennis Rodman? I mean, this was a complex guy. Man, he was so vulnerable and he really talked about his childhood and the way that he glimpsed growing up and the way that different phases of his life affected him. I mean, he was very, very open in this episode and I thought he turned out to be more sympathetic than maybe I expected. It's just a very interesting interview, a very interesting person to profile as well.
[00:00:47] We also had Dr. Jolene Brighten who discussed the birth control pill and its effect on your body and your relationships. This isn't just an episode for women though. This is important for men because she discussed how attraction changes so what your significant other might be interested in or not interested in depending on whether she's on or off the pill, fertility and things like that, the way that she relates to you as a partner, the way that she relates to the kids, really fascinating topic. I want to do another show about that, just the brain.
[00:01:17] I also write every so often on the blog. The latest posts are about why following your intuition might actually be a terrible idea. And if you want to accomplish your goals stop talking about them so much, stop putting them on freaking social media and Instagram, and the science behind why that's actually harmful.
[00:01:33] Of course, our primary mission here on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests' insights and our own experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you and that's what we're going to do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com.
[00:01:52] The prison trip is filling up fast. I should say the interest list is quite large. We haven't filled anything yet. Who knew so many of you wanted to go to jail? You can email me firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to go. We're going to hopefully be bringing some NBA guys there on another trip, which should be fun. So I'm all up in prison recently. And we've got some fun questions this week and some kind of crazy ones as usual, so I can't wait to dive in.
[00:02:16] Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag here?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:19] Hey, Triple J. I'm in my 30s, single, and I find myself with a contradictory issue that I believe is negatively affecting me. To put it simply, I have a problem with prostitutes. The strange part is I don't actually really enjoy meeting with prostitutes. It's often a pretty negative experience and not worth my time or money. I don't make a lot of money as it is. So it's not only becoming a risky issue for my health, but for my wallet also. I've gotten lucky and haven't contracted any STDs and often after I meet with a prostitute, I say to myself, I'm done with this, because it's not really a great experience. However, this only lasts for a few weeks at best and then I'm back to calling them. I don't know what keeps drawing me to call around and possibly meet these sex workers.
[00:02:58] Lately, I've noticed that it's slowly changing how I see money and women. If I have extra cash, the first thought that usually comes to mind is that I can use it for a service. I often resist the urge but I still end up calling a few and further tempt to myself making it harder to resist. The biggest issue I have though is that I'm starting to look at women in general with price tags, and I know that's awful. I had a pretty average childhood and haven't suffered any kind of childhood trauma, so I don't know where this might stem from. If I found the experience with prostitutes enjoyable, I would understand why it's tough for me to swear them off, but I don't actually like meeting them.
[00:03:31] I want to find a good woman to settle down with. I know that until I can overcome this issue, it wouldn't be fair to anyone. I don't want to be tempted to cheat on someone with a prostitute and I absolutely hate that I'm starting to see women in terms of money. What can I do to stop this risky behavior that is absolutely no upside? Thanks for your help. Signed, Problem with Prostitutes.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:50] All right, I'm not Dr. Drew. So we'll start with that. I am not a specialist in any sort of addiction or anything and I can't really say that this is sex addiction. I will say therapy is the place where you start with this. But I'm throwing sex addiction out there because the common misconception is that addiction is something you love doing so much, you can't stop. That's not really what it is. Addiction isn't necessarily something you love doing. It's a compulsion which is what sounds like this is. Also, not every compulsion is an addiction to be clear.
[00:04:20] You haven't really diagnosed your primary issue. You have noticed an interesting consequence of this though that I've heard from other guys that have gone down the road of paying for sex. Putting dollar signs next to women is unhealthy. You don't want to put money next to any relationship let alone the ones you have with an entire opposite sex that you might want to eventually marry and have kids with, not healthy. Anytime someone is engaging in a chronic behavior that doesn't bring joy, you have to look at a potential for addiction. I should say there's an addiction spectrum as well.
[00:04:54] I assumed so far that there aren't glaring consequences from this issue, but it is still troubling because clearly, you're stating this is a negative in your life. Addictive behavior often is wired by trauma. You said you have no trauma. So I'll believe you here, but you never really know sometimes we repress things, sometimes maybe you think it's unrelated. So you're not going to talk about it. Addiction is often genetic though, when not wired in by trauma, even if it's not as clear as well. Both my parents are alcoholics. You can probably find somebody on your family tree with addiction.
[00:05:26] So what do you do about addiction when it's not crippling? That's tricky because pain from addiction can be a great motivator. It's not always a great motivator, but when you harness it mountains can certainly be moved against addiction. But when the pain is just sort of kind of sort of so-so, I don't like this, I feel kind of bad doing it, sometimes you have to hit a bottom, not necessarily rock-bottom, just some demoralizing incident that's really shameful in order to find some willingness to change. However, maybe you're really smart, I mean you do listen to the show after all. So if you want a way out now go see a therapist who specializes in addiction or compulsive behaviors. They might say, "Hey, you don't have this you should go to somebody else." That's fine. But you don't want to start trying to handle this on your own without help because it may take a little more time to find someone who is an addiction or compulsive behavior therapist, but this is the best way to start digging out of the hole.
[00:06:20] And a support group for sex addicts likely won't do much because you're going to have so much trouble relating to their stories. I mean, this is child's play compared to what you might hear in there, but I don't mean to demean your situation here. So if you want to try one, Sex Addicts Anonymous is everywhere and it's free, but I do believe that you need to be diagnosed before you can go. That could be an urban legend. But I think that there's a...Jason, you might know about this not because you're a sex addict in anyway. It's just a random factoid that you might know. Isn't there a thing where you can't go to these because people were being victimized? So you have to have a doctor's note that says you're genuinely...Wasn't there a thing? Where they were like all these sorts of people just showing up at sex addicts things and like trying to seduce the people there because they knew I heard that. That could be urban legend BS though.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:09] I think it might be urban legend, but I can see where it would be a safety issue where people are going there trying to hook up because it's like, "Oh, this is a target-rich environment. Everybody here wants to hook up." But, you know, these are people that are trying to actually get therapy and get better because sex addiction is not something you want a toy around with. I mean, I can see it both ways. I would prefer that if they would require some kind of note from a doctor that got them into a therapist or you know a psychiatrist to get them in the door. Not just any random off the street walking in.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:37] Yeah, of course, that makes some sense. What do you make all of these, Jason?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:40] I don't see this as sex addiction at all. I've known many sex addicts and I don't think his behavior is very consistent. He can turn him down when he puts his mind to it even though he's still calling them. I honestly think the guys are lonely. And if he was a true sex addict, he'd be out at the club's looking to hook up with anyone he could get his mitts on. It is just that sporadic nature of his hookups with prostitutes that really makes me think he's home alone, gets in a funk, and just wants to be around someone, and someone he can pay as an easy way to scratch that itch. What do you think about that?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:10] Yeah, it's possible. I mean it is very, very possible that this is just something where he's like, "You know what this isn't working out for me. I need to go home." And yeah, like you said scratch that itch.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:20] Yeah because he says it's not very fulfilling and I bet he's sad when they leave because the experience isn't fulfilling and he's still back home alone. And now he has no cash and he is still alone. I can see where you know, it wouldn't be a fulfilling experience. Yeah, I mean, obviously you get the normal pay off from the hook up with a prostitute, but I can see that he's trying to fill a void that is putting a square peg in a round hole. Pardon my analogy there. But I don't get sex addict from him. Like I said, I've known a bunch of them and they are just out there all the time and they love prostitutes by the way. There's some of their best friends. They love the experience being with prostitutes. It's not a negative for them. So that's why I think maybe he's just extremely lonely and that's how he's filling that void in himself.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:05] Hmm, well that is possible. Either way, I think a therapist might help him solve that, certainly a cheaper and possibly healthier way, probably healthier way.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:15] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:15] Because he said. "Oh, I'm lucky. I haven't caught anything yet." But like the problem is...Look if this is a compulsive thing because you're feeling really lonely about it, but then you start running out of cash, then well I wouldn't say that more affordable prostitutes are a way to go, you know. There's a--
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:29] Definitely not.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:30] I feel like there's definitely a lower tier that you might be dealing with that might be a little bit more dangerous of an experience. So you got to be pretty careful about all of this stuff actually. All right, wow.
[00:09:41] Well, I often recommend Better Help for therapy. They don't necessarily have somebody who specializes in addiction, but what you can do is start with them if you don't want to go to an in-person therapist because you quote unquote don't have time. You can start off with better help and they can tell you what they think you need to do. So that's a good way to dip your toes in the water even though you may be better served by going to someone in-person for this especially if you need a support group that's local, betterhelp.com/jordan is the most cost-effective way to get started with them there. And they can hopefully refer you to somebody who can serve your needs best, if they can't handle this particular issue. But get on top of this, get ahead of it.
[00:10:21] This is not something you need to beat yourself up about. It's not something you need to be ashamed of for a long time. Just get ahead of it so that it doesn't start to dominate your life and make you feel really bad and/or have consequences that last for a lot longer than you want. This isn't a what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas situation herpes comes back with you or worse. That stuff will stay with him as they say on Arrested Development...Is that where that's from, Jason, Arrested Development?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:45] I just remember the Eddie-Murphy quote. Herpes, it's like luggage. It stays with you for life.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:50] Yeah. Anyway, moving right along, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:54] Hello Triple J. I'm scheduled to appear for a trial as a part of jury selection in a couple of weeks. There's a chance I won't get picked. The case involves the alleged rape of a minor. Of all the jurors in the courtroom that appeared today, I was the only one that said I could put aside my biases for the case. Nobody wants anything to do with this case and I don't blame them at all. So I suspect I'll end up on the jury. This is my first time doing any kind of jury duty. So I'm a little overwhelmed.
[00:11:19] I can be an analytical impartial robot when I want to and I'm willing to look only at the evidence at the same time. This particular crime is a very difficult one to prove. I want justice to be done. And I also don't want to be responsible for sentencing an innocent person. As a lawyer, do you have any advice for how to be the best juror I can be in these circumstances? What are some pitfalls that I should look out for when trying to discern the truth in all the dialogue that will be flung at me? Thanks in advance. Just Trying to be Just.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:49] Interesting case here. Got a little help from Jordan Harbinger Show resident legal eagle, Corbin Payne. He says, "I think it's awesome that Just Trying to be Just is taking this so seriously." The first thing that you should know is that many jurors are stressed because they are unfamiliar with the law about the crime their examining. This is absolutely not the case here. The judge in this case is going to act as a guide for the jury on how to approach the case in terms of evaluating any defendant's guilt.
[00:12:18] In other words. The judge is going to explain a lot to the jury --that's you-- and break the issues down into several questions. So. In the case of a rape of a minor the jury may be handed a form by the judge that asks, one is the victim below the age of 18 if yes...This is what you would find as a matter of fact as a jury is the victim below the age of 18, probably that's going to be easy to prove. So if yes, then two did the two people engage in some very specific alleged sexual activity. There may be some other questions that the judge pulls from the law as well, but they're only going to require a simple answer. They're not going to say like this person is guilty, go in there and have all these random considerations that you're not educated on that's not how it's going to work.
[00:13:03] The judge is just going to say if you find that the victim is below the age of 18 and you have her birth certificate sitting in front of you and you also find that these two engaged in XYZ graphic detailed stuff that you heard about during the trial. Then you come back with a guilty verdict. It's pretty straightforward and it's a very analytical process so that'll suit you as well. A few pitfalls that we got here from Corbin as well. Don't overthink whether someone on the witness stand is lying or not. And this is sort of Malcolm Gladwell shouting at us, right? We really cannot tell and we know this from many episodes here of The Jordan Harbinger Show that we can't tell. The tendency is to try to look for tells or to read the witness. That's a lot harder to do than most people realize. And prosecutors and defense attorneys are trying to game that system by coaching the witnesses to come across as confident wholesome and as earnest as possible.
[00:13:59] Additionally, the levels of stress and fear that witnesses experience on the stand heightens any nervous tic. They're far too often misconstrued as evidence of lying. The superior way to evaluate a case is upon the coherency of both sides' stories. So know whether the different witnesses are telling consistent stories, whether their stories are, or whether they are plausible. This exercise becomes increasingly important in cases where the case is made entirely upon witness testimony. So don't automatically assume that a witness is reliable or unreliable before they get on the stand. This happens most often with police officers' minorities in with victims whose lifestyles differ from the lifestyle of the juror. I don't think that you're trying to necessarily do this, but there is a strong unconscious bias to be aware of here.
[00:14:48] Don't read anything into whether or not the defendant takes the stand. A defendant has the right to remain silent and may exercise that right in a trial. There are many, many, many things a defendant and the defense have to take into consideration when determining whether to put the defendant on the stand very few of those have to do with the defendant's guilt or innocence. Sometimes you're trying to avoid a cross-examine situation where the person is just going to freaking fall apart because they're really upset or because they're emotional, or because they feel sad, or because they've got a freaking speech impediment, or they got Tourette's. You just never know right.
[00:15:23] Don't read anything into the manner in which the victim in this case testifies either. Court systems around the country are working to ensure that victims are not re-traumatized in a trial. So we don't want to put a child on the stand and explain to a room full of adults all the ways in which he or she was sexually assaulted. Often a child's interview with a forensic psychologist is played or something like that. This can be a jarring experience for a juror is it is vastly different from what you might be expecting in a trial. And last but not least, don't sacrifice your convictions for the sake of unanimity or consensus. Trials are long. They're emotionally draining. People want to go back to work, people want to see their family, people got stuff to do. It can be really easy to be talked into going against your convictions to vote with the rest of the jury. Don't do that.
[00:16:11] The stakes here are too big to get bullied like that. Remember a hung jury can give an innocent man a shot at freedom or it can let a victim have another shot at justice. So don't get bullied into "Well, everybody says he's guilty because they all hate him and he came across really poorly, but I'm not sure but you know, maybe it's just me." You got to be really careful. That's where you should dig in your heels if you're sensing that there's a problem. Don't try to tell if someone's lying. Don't try and say, "Well I already know how this probably shook out or we didn't hear from the victim so this could be a bunch of BS." Be very, very careful about what happens in the jury room itself.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:47] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:53] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:56] It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your website is? Looks like there's another outage at your target audience's primetime costing you precious dollars every minute when it's down. It's a grim scenario that's played out daily across the globe to the frustration of small business owners, like yourself and your customers. With web hosts as plentiful as the stars in the sky offering the park that prized domain within your modest budget, it's no surprise you're going to pick a few duds along the way. If you've entrusted it to anyone who's not been in the business of providing secure, efficient, simple, and affordable web hosting services since 2002, it's anybody's guess as to why your site's down again, but if your website is handled by HostGator, one of the oldest and most trusted services on the internet, it's up and running just like it should be. HostGator is 99% uptime guarantee and around-the-clock support ensures. Your website is available to the eyes of the world every day and night of the year. Got a tight budget. No worries. As long as you're a new user you get to try any HostGator package for up to 62% off the normal price just for hearing the sound of my voice. And if you're not completely satisfied with everything HostGator has to offer you've got 45 days to cancel for a full refund of every last penny. Check out hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.
[00:18:09] Support for The Jordan Harbinger Show comes from our friends at Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. Home is so much more than a house. It's your own little slice of heaven. That's why when you find the perfect place for you and your family getting a mortgage shouldn't get in the way. Finding the right house isn't easy but finding the right mortgage can be. Rocket Mortgage is doing more to help you understand the home buying process so you can get exactly what you need because it's not just a mortgage, it's your mortgage and they found a better way. Their team of mortgage experts is obsessed with finding a better way, which means that their number one goal is to make the home buying process smoother for you. Take the home buying process work for you. In fact Rocket Mortgage is there with award-winning client service and support every step of the way. Quicken Loans has helped millions of Americans achieve their dream of homeownership. And when you're ready to purchase the home of your dreams, they can help you too. When you work with them you get more than just a loan because Rocket Mortgage is more than just a lender. Visit RocketMortgage.com/JORDAN and take the first step towards the home of your dreams. Equal Housing Lender. Licensed in all 50 states. NMLSConsumerAccess.Org #3030. Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. Push the button, get mortgage.
[00:19:17] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind please drop us a nice rating and review on iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now, let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:41] All right, Jason. What else do we got?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:44] Hello Jordan, Jason, and Jen. Congrats on the little one. I suspect that one of the managers at my job is stealing time from the company. Let's call him Jared. Jared is a salaried employee and unlike everyone else in the company. He doesn't have a written schedule. No one not even his bosses know when he's supposed to be at work. He's always showing up late and leaving early and works a lot of half days. Over the past few weeks a co-worker and I have tracked how many hours Jared has been at work and it's been as few as 20 hours a week. Thankfully Jared is not the person I report to but he is a manager and a level above me. We both report to the same boss who knows that this is an issue and has communicated with me about it behind Jared's back. I think my boss is choosing to look the other way. However, and I suspect it's because his boss is Jared's brother. In my office, I'm not the only one who believes that Jared reached a manager's position by leaning on his higher up brother and sucking up to his brother's boss. He totally worked the system on top of working part time, but getting compensated for full time. He's not a good worker. He wastes time with the group he is supposed to be managing. He doesn't prioritize the things he should, he doesn't get much done, and my boss ends up picking up the slack.
[00:20:52] I struggle every day to remain positive, but it's not easy. I have a front row seat to all of this because our office is in tight quarters. My boss is a really hard worker and never misses a beat. He's on top of everything, but he tends to play the victim and complain about people not getting their work done instead of ever actually doing anything about it to make a change. He just talks shit, then does other people's work for them, and complains about it later. This has been going on for months. It is not only unfair but hard to feel motivated to come to work for a company that chooses to let this behavior slide. I've tried to be nice for so long, but recently I had to quit asking Jared how his weekends were because it would take upwards of 30 minutes sometimes and I didn't want to be associated with that blatant disregard of valuable time. I try to tell myself to not let what others do concern me, but it's easier said than done. Am I letting this get to me too much? Should I just look the other way as well or should I say something? I know it's not fair, but neither is life, and it's also none of my business. Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. Signed speak up or shut up.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:54] Well, there's certainly a culture issue here and culture can't be changed by one person especially not somebody who's not at the top. You're in the middle, it's hard to change culture from there, basically not going to happen. This is interesting though. It's tough because you already know what you should do, which is not let what other people do affect you. And so you're correct, that's easier said than done but it sounds like this is a situation you're just not going to win because of the politics. Your best bet is to do the best work that you can do and try to get ahead in the company. And if it just becomes truly impossible given the situation then yeah, you should look for a new job, but it really matters whether you love this place aside from this bad apple. You know, if you love the work and the people, then sure maybe it's worth putting up with this stuff to do work that you care about. If you don't really and it's just kind of another job and it's a stepping stone to something else, then yeah, accelerate the process. There's not as much tying you there. It makes more sense to go find a new job in a place with better culture.
[00:22:55] There is one last consideration here. You said that you like your boss and that your boss is a hard worker. Your boss though is enabling this behavior. You know that you didn't say as much but you know that because you said all he does is talk smack and then do the other guys work. Without being inappropriate or annoying, you could talk to the boss about Jared the next time it comes up. You could respectfully point out to your boss that he tends to play the victim, complains about people not getting their work done, talks a little bit of smack, and then does other people's work for them and then complains about it later. This could maybe help your boss gently, of course, see his own role in the situation and maybe even help your boss consider a new way of handling it. This is delicate though, man, super delicate.
[00:23:39] There's family politics here. You can't be seen as poisoning the boss against Jared or pulling the bosses strings behind the scenes, but if you've got a good relationship, which is unclear from this email. If you have a good relationship with your boss, then it might be the right way to handle it. You know, look I hear you complain about Jared a lot. This is a problem. Here is the effect that he's having on you, on me, on everyone else, on the company as a whole and if you really find it problematic, which you obviously do, maybe we can talk about the best way to handle it say something like that. You don't want to say, "I know you're a little whip. Look at you complaining, you pushover, you chump." Obviously you're not going to do that but you don't want to even have him reformulate what you said in his head to sound like that. That's the only way I can see you fixing this. If that doesn't work or if that seems impossible, then to reiterate you got to ignore you got to focus on your own stuff. Not a bad option might be a little tricky. Or talk to your boss about finally addressing this BS, or find a new job. But if you like the place, I do think it's worth trying to solve the problem.
[00:24:37] Now I can't really tell if Jared is just annoying you or if he's literally making your job super difficult/impossible and I guess that's really the deciding factor. You know, Jared directly affects the boss and the other employees, but maybe just kind of bothers you that limits what you can reasonably flag to management. You're not wrong. It's annoying. It's just you might have less standing if it's like, well you don't even work with Jared, you just see him. You know, if he was directly screwing up your work and hurting your prospects, and I'd say you can go to your boss and say, "Look Jared is serious problem for me either this gets fixed or I've got to go as opposed to Jared bugs me and he's affecting other people do something or I go you've got to have standing right other than just he's getting under your skin. There's a big difference here.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:23] Hey Jordan, I know you're not my lawyer and I'm not seeking counsel, but I have a legal-ish question. I was a victim of the Equifax hack. Someone stole two cars in my name using my stolen driver's license number. Florida where I live doesn't change driver's license numbers. Hertz, one of the three big car rental companies and their portfolio brands Dollar Thrifty will not remove me from their do-not-rent list. They say that despite them knowing it was not me. They never remove someone from the do-not-rent list for fraud; this seems like it should be illegal. They are refusing to do business with me despite acknowledging that I had nothing to do with the fraud. Is there any recourse for me here? I travel for work all the time and eliminating what is sometimes the only option to rent a car is incredibly limiting and frustrating. I'm guessing I need to retain counsel, just interested if this is the sort of thing that has come up in your audience before. Thanks in advance. Keep up the great work. Sincerely, Can't Rent a Ride.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:19] Well, I do sympathize for you here. This is a huge pain. A while ago in another business that I owned, there was somebody who was trying to take our residential program where all of the guys were in one room, and we had a program for men at that time and all of the guys lived in one room along with one male coach and there was one bathroom. And this gal, she wanted to take the program and I said look our insurance doesn't like it. We're having trouble with that already. Our landlord doesn't like it because there's issues with that whole thing. You're not going to have any privacy and we don't know all of the guys that are coming in and she said, "Well you're discriminating, you know, I don't want to play that card, but I will if I have to." And I said, "You're correct. We are discriminating." And she said, "Well, you know, that's illegal." And I said, "No it's not. It's not illegal. I'm a private business and you are not a protected class here." And so what the lesson is there is companies that are private can discriminate against any non-protected class. Protected classes are race, color, national, origin, religion, sex, age, or disability. Now there are exceptions to this as well. But that's not really important here.
[00:27:31] Let's assume that you're a white man. You're not a protected class. Actually, no, that's too easy. Let's assume you're a 65-year-old disabled female, Zoroastrian lesbian in a wheelchair from Fiji. You're a protected class, but Hertz isn't discriminating against you based on your membership in that class. They are deciding not to do business with you as a matter of policy, due to your driver's license number being listed in a fraud database. Hertz isn't a government service. So in many ways, they're allowed to decide who to rent to and who not to rent to. You might have some sort of claim for certain Hertz locations and you might be able to argue in some fashion that this is impairing your ability to work in that area, et cetera. But this is a very tough argument; it would cost you a lot of money and you might not even win. Your best bet here is to find a lawyer that might help for free or barring that publicly shames Hertz in some way. Get him on the news, a blog post damages their business based on the story et cetera. Most likely though, this is a corporation with a bad rigid policy and an even worse bureaucracy. Car rental companies are famously inept and bloated. You're better off using a car rental app like Turo T-U-R-O, and just having those people come pick you up or take Uber or Lyft everywhere or take Uber or Lyft to go to the Turo car share, that you're getting as is often the case fighting back against businesses like this.
[00:28:53] The idea here is go with something. That's a disrupter such as a tech focused car rental or a car share like Turo. Sorry Hertz. If you can't get it together, you deserve to lose the money. But you're not going to be able to fight this Giant Behemoth and be like, "They won't rent to me because I'm in this fraud database even though they know I'm not supposed to be in the database." That's a worthy cause in a way, but what's even better and probably easier and better for everybody supports the competition. This shouldn't occupy more of your time and your head space. Equifax, they're inept, they're crooked. Hertz is inept and bloated as soon as they realize they can lose to somebody else, the better. The reason they don't change anything is there essentially monopolies in a way, maybe not quite, but they're very much the only game in town or one of the only games in town. So there were sooner were rid of that type of scenario, the better. In the meantime support the competition and hit him where it hurts right in the wallet. All right, Jason. What's up?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:51] Hello Quadruple-J. I have some really solid ideas that I've thought through that I know some companies could use and make loads of monies with. Companies like Waze. I could make a similar app and develop my idea from there, but that is expensive and time-consuming. That's why I thought it would be easier for me to sell the idea. How does someone go about it? How can I be heard but also not get taken advantage of how do I sell an idea? Should I patent it? I would like to ask for a percentage of the profit from my idea. Am I thinking too far ahead? It is a percentage-wise move. All the best, Ideas for Dollars.
[00:30:26] Good luck with that Ideas for Dollars.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:29] Jason, I can only assume you have some thoughts on this but I'll kick things off.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:35] All right.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:36] I got some bad news for your Ideas for Dollars. Ideas are not worth jack unless they are executed upon. Professor Simpson who is my property teacher, RIP, in law school. He was a genius and he's a British guy is very old, a well-respected British guy, and one of the things he said was, in a very very British-Oxford type accent, "Your idea is not that good. If it were it would be done already. So yours is probably crap. That's what he said about new ideas just generally. Companies may have tested your idea or it's not feasible. It's not profitable all these companies you think are just too dumb to have thought about the thing you have thought of or maybe that you just have an extra edge. They may have already discarded that, tested it. Maybe they're working on it right now, maybe they tested it and it didn't work, and they didn't go. Hey, we tested this idea and it look good, but just a nobody else waste their time and money testing it, it didn't work out. They're not going to do that.
[00:31:32] Or you have a genius idea and you deserve at best to work in that company as an employee. You certainly do not deserve a portion of the profits of any company to which you have given or sold your idea at all not even a little bit not even like a fraction of 1%. Ideas are not patentable for that very reason. You can patent a process, you can patent a formula, you certainly cannot patent an idea. You can patent an invention if you've created it, but not just because it exists in your head. Think about this. If you could patent something that was an idea, you'd have patents for things like time machines, teleportation devices. Since we don't, it's safe to say that this is not going to happen. To profit from your idea, you must sell the patent license usage rights or market the product yourself. So we know you can't patent it. You said you don't want to market the product yourself. You might be able to license usage rights. What wait, what are they using your idea? But what if they have the idea how did they know that you came up with this idea? What if somebody else had the idea at the same time as you? What you sold it to them first and now it's yours. How do you think that would work legally?
[00:32:39] There's something else here about your thinking that your idea alone is valuable, and I don't want to lay into you here. That's not my intention here because for all I know you're like 19 years old or something. That wouldn't be fair to you. What I will encourage you to do is to stop looking for a shortcut to riches. Stop thinking that your ideas especially the ones you don't even execute are valuable in any way at all. My inbox is loaded with people who want jobs working with me. And anybody who says I'm an idea guy or anything like that. I automatically delete or just don't ever take it any further in the hiring process. I've had so many ideas come into my inbox. And usually my response is what would you do to execute on this. And if they say anything that looks like that's other than an outline plan for how to execute that very specifically, I just I'm not interested even a little nobody wants ideas. Nobody who's doing something needs ideas. People who are executing on ideas. They already have a ton of ideas and they're already putting work into it. Nobody needs more ideas. I just want to highlight that nobody needs more ideas. You might need more ideas. If you don't know what you want to do with your life, but you're not coming up with ideas and selling them to other people. You're coming up with ideas and executing them ideally. So stop thinking that any idea. You don't actually pull the trigger on is valuable.
[00:34:02] To your point, I actually thought of the idea for Waze, it's a traffic app where there's maps and there's real-time traffic data, and it shows your little car and other people and it's kind of social and all this stuff. I didn't think of all those social features. I just thought of crowd-sourced traffic data. You mentioned that app in your email. When smartphones were around, I thought, whoa, we could use the accelerometer in the phone to send data to a server and it could be analyzed, and we could tell if somebody was moving around in the car. And then the server would then sort of crowd source that same data aggregate all that data, and we could use it to get real-time traffic. That would be awesome. Wow, you know how much that ideal is worth? Zero because there are tons of people who had that same idea. How do I know that because they founded companies and they did something with that idea? There's the proof right there. The fact that Waze exists is proof that other people had the same idea as me.
[00:34:55] Waze the company that created the app. They designed the server algorithms to crunch the data. They marketed the app, they maintain the app, they continually improve upon the app. That company is worth billions, but the idea isn't worth jack squat. There's a huge chasm between an idea and execution as you are aware. There's no such thing as a billion-dollar idea. There's only billion-dollar executions of ideas. So to answer your question, unless you're going to start a company and you're going to put an idea forward, don't even bother. What you can do in the way that other companies do this in Silicon Valley is they start another app or service that only does that idea. And it might be like the worst traffic app ever and then they cultivate a user base and they make it such a valuable piece of software and they keep the algorithms and all that stuff proprietary and then they get acquired by a company like Waze or Google or Apple.
[00:35:52] But in the meantime, if you just have an idea apply for a job J-O-B at that company. Bring the idea to your superiors and then you might get some credit internally as you build your career. That's the maximum your idea is worth at this time. Unless you're going to build something new. Sorry. I know that's not what most people want to hear but nobody gets paid for ideas man. Nobody ever has and nobody ever will.
[00:36:15] Beautifully said. We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.
[00:36:21] This episode is sponsored in part by GoCar Tours. Fine, you've heard me say this before they're not actually a sponsor. This is my friend's company, I love this product they're absolutely amazing. It's a tour that's a talking go-kart. So hear me out on this you're zipping around the city in a GoCar with an automated GPS guide so the car itself has a talking personality. It's really the coolest way to explore a city. Jenny and I have done this in San Francisco. We want to go to a few other cities and do it. I've done it with my dad. I've done it with my friends. I've done it with family. It goes pretty fast like 35 miles an hour. It can go up the hills in San Francisco. People wave, tourists are taking photos of you. It's kind of like a souped-up motorcycle with three or four wheels, depending on the version you get. It's got an iPad map and it tells you the history of where you are. It guides you, of course to where to go. It's in San Francisco Monterey, California; San Diego, California; Madrid and Barcelona, Spain; Lisbon and Porto, Portugal; and Bordeaux, France. They've even got some electric versions of the cars that are going to go even faster and are enclosed. So it's kind of all-weather, really fun. You'll find a lot of things that you've never seen even if you live in that city. And you'll find stuff that tour buses can't go to, things you'd never find on your own, and of course, it tells you how to get there and then it tells you the history and the story behind the place once you're there it's just a really cool experience, gocartours.com.
[00:37:43] This episode is sponsored in part by KiwiCo. Now, this is a fun little box. I know everyone's like aah subscription boxes, food boxes, wellness boxes. These things are the rage but this is a subscription box for your kids or your friends' kids. That is fun. It's educational. It helps them develop creative confidence to change the world. I know bold goals. But what I love about these KiwiCo, just like the fruit, this creates super cool hands-on projects for kids that makes learning about STEAM, so STEM but art in their science, technology, engineering, arts, and math. It's designed by experts tested by kids. You have to worry about gathering the supplies. They've got stuff for kids of all ages, zero to 16-plus and there's a new box each month. So each month the kid in your life receives a new fun engaging project and they're making stuff, right? It's not just like a toy in a box. They make it, they learn about. It comes with a little magazine that's educational to learn more about each crates theme and the instructions are easy to follow and written for kids. So, if you're a terrible parent, you can just stick them in the corner and then they make it and then you go over there and talk to him about it. But that's not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to do it with them and it includes all the supplies needed for that month's project. So you're not going to come home from work totally tired, open the thing up, and your kid's crying because it needs batteries, and you got to go to CVS. None of that garbage. You can do it together. And as a fellow parent here, we know you're busy. You're always on the go. It's tough to go grocery shopping, work, feed your family, go to soccer practice and get quality time. This is a. Little engaging exciting project. You can build together. KiwiCo, it's convenient. It's affordable. Encourage your kids to be what they want to be. Monthly option starts at $19.95 a month including shipping. By the way, cancel anytime, none of that commitment BS, you know, none of that. We're always afraid of that. kiwico.com.com/jordan K-I-W-I-C-O. Get your first month free, kiwi.co.com/jordan.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:39] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts, you just heard visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:51] All right, what else we got?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:55] Dear Jordan Jason and Jen. I just turned 18 back in August and feel my life lacks purpose. I'm six foot nine which limits me from a lot of life and for the longest time depressed me. I had trouble with social interactions because I was bullied from the time, I started school until I was in sixth grade and was kept from any social interaction that whole time. Any time someone was nice to me, they were bullied until they wouldn't want to be nice to me anymore. I managed to overcome all this with hard work and self-help trying to make myself the best. I can be it's through all this that I find myself not knowing what I want to do in life. I really want to give stand-up a try. I'm told I'm funny by all my friends and everyone I meet; I just don't want to live a normal life and not fall into the trap of living a life that's been lived a thousand times. I used to think I wanted to be a therapist. But like I said, I don't want to live a normal life. What do you think would be the best for me to do? How could I start a career in comedy? I'm a senior in high school and still live with my parents but want to be independent more than anything. Sincerely, Tall but not without Flaw.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:56] Well, I think it's clear to us. Now as adults that bullying is based in insecurity. I mean who the hell doesn't want to be tall. You are what one might say is almost freakishly tall, and I hesitate to use those terms because you were bullied and it's probably not what you want to hear. But 6'9", I mean, you're really tall. I hope you don't drive a smart car. I mean, these are the kind of things you're going to hear kind of for the rest of your life and it's not necessarily bullying. It's just crappy jokes. I don't doubt that you were bullied heavily though as a child from the sound of it. It sounds horrible. I would say. Look, you're not going to change the past. You do need to work on this issue moving forward. And as an adult no one's going to pick on you for being tall. They're just going to make dad jokes. Trust me.
[00:41:37] Therapists, by the way, that's a noble profession man. It really is. Helping people get past stuff like what you're working with. Stand-up is always fun and it starts as a side gig for years if not forever. So why not do both? Hang out of the comedy club, take all the courses you can. Take improv, do open mic night, and one of the top recommendations I've gotten from other comic friends of mine is hire a coach. This is huge and it will cut your learning curve. Go to school in the meantime. Don't bank on paying the bills with comedy especially right away. Plus the therapy stuff and any other career for that matter that's going to inform your comedy big time. If you're a therapist and you're working on comedy, you're going to have tons of material. You'll probably also have plenty of free time to pursue this. Nobody's going to the therapist at 8 p.m. on a Friday, right? You can work during the day you can do your hours during the day, your residence or whatever your clinical hours as they call it, I think, during the days. Do comedy is a hobby and start to make a little side money doing it. And you will enjoy comedy a lot more when you're not living on a bunk bed with six other comics in one room because nobody can pay the rent themselves. Get a job, work at that job, start the comedy as a side gig, and you can always move on to something else.
[00:42:51] A lot of the big-time comedians that I know have all had other jobs. Hell, Ken Jeong was a freaking doctor.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:57] He was an actual doctor, yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:58] Yeah, so don't be afraid to work at another job. And it's not a waste of time. You're not wasting time. You could be working on comedy. You're learning about human nature. You're learning about human tendency. People are telling you they're deep dark secrets. I mean, this is --I hate to say it-- comedy gold, man. So you're actually foregoing a major opportunity if you decide to only do comedy and nothing else. It's also going to be a lot harder of a lifestyle. Jason, you got any thoughts on this.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:23] Yeah, I just want to differentiate the difference between being funny with your friends and being a stand-up comedian because when you're funny with your friends, you actually have material to play off. But when you're a stand-up comic, you are up there telling the audience stories from whole cloth. You're not playing off anyone else besides yourself. It is a completely different skill set that you need to cultivate, that said if it's something you want to do. Get out to clubs as soon as you can. I know you're you know, you're only 18 and in high school, but you know, they've got to have all ages clubs or at least, you know, the early show you might be able to get into and check out open mic nights as soon as you can and start working on your first five minutes. I also recommend checking out The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon for a little bit of inspiration because it's such a great show about comedy and good luck. But definitely check out theater courses in college as well to help hone those skills.
[00:44:12] You know, I remember something vague about Dave Chappelle starting comedy at like 14 and hanging out at the club and he couldn't get in. So he worked the door.
[00:44:22] Oh, yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:23] He worked the door. He met all the comedians. He had great connections. And of course he could hear the comedy from out, and then after work in the door for a few months, they were just like, oh he works here. He can come in, you know, he can go to the bathroom. He can hang out during this set. Now that there's not a ton of people at the door. I mean, you get exposure that way. And you're 18, so it's not illegal for them to let you in. It's illegal for them to serve you alcohol. So once they know you and you don't screw up by drinking in there and getting them in trouble, they're just going to let you in most likely. You're going to make friends with the owner. You're going to go up and do a couple open mic nights. You're going to become a regular then you'll become the emcee at the open mic night because you're in college and you have tons of time to do. And you're going to be working on your material. You can go there three, four nights a week and it'll be an awesome hobby.
[00:45:07] I kind of wish I had done that in school. There just weren't any comedy clubs near me. And of course, I wasn't really thinking, "I'm outgoing and light comedy." I was more like, "I'm not funny at all and I'm a huge nerd. There's no place for me here." So I would love to have gotten into comedy earlier. A lot of people email me like you should do...To your point Jason, a lot of people email me like you should do stand-up. I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa riffing on a radio show is one thing, joking around among my friends when I'm drinking a beer is one thing, going up there and being like, "So the other day I was going to my doctor and dah, dah, dah." And there's audiences in stitches, that is a totally different performance. People don't see this. It's the difference between going up and giving a talk about something you know a lot about and singing. It's that different.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:54] Yeah. It is.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:55] People think, "Oh, I'm funny. I can be a comedian." A funny person can be a comedian just like somebody who can speak English can host a radio show. We've all heard what a radio show or podcast sounds like from somebody who thinks they can host one just because they can speak English, not exactly compelling content, right? So I know that a lot of my funniest friends, they're not that funny until they get up on stage. Other friends of mine that are hilarious on stage. They also worked on it a lot. Like I said, they're not that funny on the day-to-day and a lot of my day-to-day funny friends, they would get creamed on stage. I'm known as funny among my friends. I would get my ass kick...I don't have any material, I don't have any sort of delivery. I would have to work on that. I have to work on the material. I don't want to I don't want to stand in front of an audience and have them grow for 45 minutes and do that for a year. That's not really fun for me. And then on top of that, even if I got them laughing their asses off, I don't want to give the same spiel for a year straight in different clubs. Like that doesn't sound fun for me either. That's what being a comedian is. It's not just horsing around and I think you probably know that but a lot of people don't. All right, Jason, what else is in there?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:04] Hey, J and J. I've always been somewhat of an introvert decent in one-on-one situations and obviously, no problem around my lifelong friends. Being from Scotland originally and working for a large corporation there, I could always draw on work topics or the ultimate savior of sports like football, cricket, and rugby to see me through social events. My wife is American and wanted to be close to her family, so about seven years ago we moved to California. I can only get an under paying job with a five-hour-daily commute, which I've been doing since we arrived --oh, that's rough--
Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:33] Hmm.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:33] We have three young kids and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. We've made some good friends through our kids' schools but I find I have very little in common with any of them and really struggle to make any conversation in a group setting. One-on-one I can wing it, but in a group I become a complete mute. I have no knowledge of American sports or politics. My job is pathetic and most of our friends are wealthy and in their own businesses, so I can't even talk about worker business. I find that when I try to open my mouth to say something I practically bore myself, so why would anyone else be interested more and more now? I would just rather not go out. I have social anxiety about what to say as well as financial anxiety as our friends choose expensive restaurants or venues. I love the US for my kids and would love them to grow up here., but I miss having relaxed thoughtless conversations with friends. I miss talking about sports and I miss feeling like someone and not a complete loser all the time. I was relatively successful in Scotland and now I battle to survive financially in the US. So I'm withdrawing more and more from society. I've always been a very positive person, but the average of the five people you hang with theory is failing me drastically. I've spoken to a therapist, but I'm still feeling that sense of worthlessness in group settings and have lost all confidence. I don't want to become a recluse and I believe that I have a lot to offer if people got to know me. But how do I get around freezing up in group settings? I literally feel like I have nothing to contribute. Appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Signed, Excuse to be a Recluse.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:00] Well, I certainly can sympathize with this situation. I've lived abroad before and you feel super alone and it's just not fun at all. The homesickness, thinking that this is going to be that way forever, I totally understand that I really do so, my heart goes out to. I've given this advice a lot but you've got to make your own friends in specific activity or hobby sectors. So what I would say to do and again, I've given this drill a lot on the show here. Make a list of things you've always wanted to learn or things you already know about. Join classes and groups that will teach you those activities and hang with those people. So if you want to learn how to rebuild an engine start taking those classes and hang out with those folks. If you want to learn how to cook Italian food, make a list of classes that are interesting for you and hang with those people not. Things going to stick you won't necessarily need anyone in all these classes, but worst-case scenario you come out with a skill. So you find yourself moving forward. This will give you a little bit of a sense of purpose that you might not be finding in your job.
[00:50:00] So let's say going to the previous example, let's say that you think comedy is really fun. You can start joining an improv troupe and you can hang out with those people all the time. That's a great way to make some friends, have some purpose outside of work. Potentially though retrain in a trade of your current job is no good. You do need that sense of purpose in addition to friends that you get along with. It's not just your social life that's lacking here. If you had a career you loved but you didn't have a lot of social friends, I feel like you would be okay. You just be like, yeah, well, you know, social life's a little lacking. The fact is you're lacking purpose at work and you don't have an active social life. That's a problem and that's starting to weigh on you I can see. So if you're a technical field or you are technically inclined you can hone those skills online as well you can. And the coding boot camp, you can go to school for that, you can get a better job. Your kids need a happy and purposeful dad. That should be your highest priority, not surviving, not suffering on their behalf to get some cash so they can grow up here. Your life and your happiness matter as well and sometimes it's easy to forget that. I think as hard-working folks in general, moms and dads, often we sacrifice our own happiness for our family and for our kids. I know my wife is kind of like that. You know, she's like only doing stuff for the business and now for the kid for Jaden, and I'm like, "Well, what do you like to do?" I don't even know if she fully remembers that so it's really easy to forget that sort of thing. So you have to be careful or you're going to end up feeling really depressed and really homesick and it's going to start affecting your marriage and your family life. You don't want that.
[00:51:36] Before I forget by the way, I asked Chase Jarvis who was on the show a couple weeks ago where do most people go wrong in promoting their work because a lot of people do mediocre work, but they market really hard. We see them all over the Internet and they have temporary success. And a lot of people do great work and a market hard and they have temporary or no success, and a lot of people do great work and don't mark it at all and have never had and never will have success or it comes after they die. A lot of artists are like that. It's like where was this guy the whole time? Oh, he painted a bunch of stuff and you know he drank everyday all day at a cafe or a bar or by himself and then cut his ear off and died, right? That's how the stuff often. I reached out to Chase Jarvis about this and he said look, there's a few bad ideas or ideas that aren't really true. One of these is that good work speaks for itself. That's really never been true. And it never will really be true. The cream does not rise to the top just based on the quality of your work. People launch something and even if it's good, it's crickets. And then you get demoralized. Even the best work needs to be marketed and needs to be promoted. And that's a lot of people who create things really look down on that and I do that for a while too. It's like, "My shows better people should listen to this. I don't have to mark it. It's where it's all about who's doing better work. Screw all these guys who are buying digital ads." That's just sort of a naysayer mindset. The key here Chase says is community building and this is from his book, Creative Calling. Community will help you market. It will help you promote because you'll have fans that will help you with that. Also, you need to contribute to the community in which your work lives.
[00:53:12] That's why I'm active in the podcasting space. I contribute to a lot of other people's shows. You build friendships, you build relationships. You've got to be the fan you wish you had to other people. So I'll repeat that be the fan you wish you had for your own work to other people for their work. The people who do find success are constantly and consistently adding value to the communities in which they launched things. So if something falls flat, it's not just a failure of marketing and promotion, it's a failure of community. You have to be building community all the time. So I contribute to podcast newsletters. I help other podcasters. I go on other shows, even if they're not huge shows. I talk about other podcasters in other people's work. You hear the promos on this show. I talk about their books and their shows and their writing or their video. Chase's book is Creative Calling. You can hear his episode on the show a couple weeks ago as well. I'm going to link it in the show notes so you can go right there. All right, Jason last but not least.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:54:10] Good morning all. I'm a well-established professional in the finance and insurance industry. One thing I don't like about it though is that image is almost always more important than expertise. However, I'm sitting in my office and I'm listening to my neighbor host a call. He's very smart, well informed and able to articulate concepts well almost. His challenge is that he uses filler words, not like not, you know, but a big resonating Beaky Buzzard style, duh. It's wildly distracting and perhaps a threat to his credibility. I don't know him well. We've had some casual conversations, but I'd like to tactfully suggest that he look into presentation skills classes that will help him focus on eliminating the bad habit. The intent is to genuinely help him, but it would be great to avoid the never-ending barrage of duh. Thanks. Signed, Done with Duh.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:55:01] I had to look up Beaky buzzard and if it sounds like Beaky Buzzard, this is so bad because...Do you know who Beaky Buzzard is.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:09] I don't enlighten me sir.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:55:10] It's this old, old hand-drawn animation and Beaky Buzzard, he's got some sort of I don't even know what kind of dumb weird pseudo-New-Jersey- New-York kind of accent this Buzzard has but it's kind of like, duh, if he really says duh all the time. Ohh, that is just brutal. Yes, so Beaky Buzzard is like a dumb Buzzard, the dumb bird with a weird East Coast accent. Ugh, so you can broach the subject lightly. That's what you got to do here if you do it at all. I am always a fan of sort of directly talking to people but I wonder if it could blow back on you. So you have to calculate that. Is he going to be like you're being mean to me, you're bullying me, or is he going to react poorly? There's also a chance that somebody who lacks this self-awareness to even see this is going to go, "Oh, yeah, thanks for telling, duh, me. Duh, I didn't know." And then just never do anything about it, so you can try that. However, you can also send them if you want to be a whimsy about it like I might be depending on the blowback. You can send them an anonymous email. It might be less effective and it's certainly less honest, but it's also less confrontational which might be good in your environment. It depends on the work culture.
[00:56:21] Anonymous email would sound something like this dear so-and-so I called you about some services sometime in the last three months and made a note to explain why I did not sign up for you. I waited a few months because I don't want you to be able to identify who I am because that's not part of what makes this useful et cetera. I got the impression that even though you seem like perhaps you know, what you're talking about, your manner of speaking was very flawed and made you sound unintelligent. I just can't trust my money to somebody who sounds that way. I'm sure this is negatively affecting your career and I highly suggest you fix it. I'm not the only one who notices this, I'm sure, but I may be the only one who will tell you about it. I highly suggest asking friends and especially colleagues what they think as this might be helpful to you. Again, I wish you the best and as a fellow human and professional in my own field, I know I would want to know if I were in your situation. This is a career limiting habit that you need to break.
[00:57:13] That's just a rough script that I came up with more or less on the fly here. Something along those lines would probably help a little and if he goes, "Delete I don't care." Then you've got that and you don't have to worry about it. If I were in your shoes, I would probably do something like that and if that doesn't work frickin wear airpods. You know if people want to change, great. If they don't, sometimes it's up to them to suffer the consequences and if those consequences become ours and we start getting annoyed, it's usually on us to manage that. But yeah, this guy he sounds so annoying and for sure, nobody wants to work with somebody who sounds stupid and is in-charge of managing their retirement. I'd move my money in a minute if I thought my fiduciary or my accountants were dumb even if that assessment was unfair or based on one factor that might not be totally accurate. If he does want to change the best way is for him to get a speech coach. They can be hired online easily. They could be hired online very affordably as well. Websites like Fiverr have voice lessons.
[00:58:11] I don't use that many filler words because I edited this podcast for years. I have a few here and there like a normal person but many of my vocal tics have been eliminated or mitigated to a large degree. You could also suggest that he recorded his side of the phone calls, played them back and see what he thinks. He'll hear how dumb he sounds and he may want to change that. If he's down, refer him to a coach on Fiverr or elsewhere. If he's really too cheap to invest in himself, then he can try to replay his calls and then edit out the duh sounds he might not do it though. If he doesn't go back to the airpods. Can't worry about every loser in the office who won't even help themselves improve in their own career. That's my two cents on.
[00:58:52] Life Pro Tip of the Week. Set a nearby shop as your home address in your vehicle's navigation because if someone wants to steal your car or does deal with your car the last thing you want is for them to have directions to your house possibly a set of keys, probably a garage door opener. You want to have that be a store near your house. Because if they get your car and then they drive to your house, they can still drive around the neighborhood hitting the garage button. So maybe make it far enough away with it after driving around for a second in order to find. Don't make it like the Starbucks right next to your place right next to your apartment building. You know how to get home from within a few miles. So set the directions to be within that sort of set of a few miles. It will help you out a lot, it keeps you really safe. Do the same thing for your significant other and your kids as well.
[00:59:39] Recommendation of the Week. If you like Vice News or you liked Vice news, which is now off the air HBO now has Axios. It's not on as frequently but it's known for delivering news coverage insight. It's pretty smart in a lot of ways and it helps viewers like you and I better understand big trends reshaping America, a lot of interviews, profiles and breaking news content. I've been enjoying this. Have you ever seen it Jason, Axios?
Jason DeFillippo: [01:00:03] No, I haven't but I'm definitely going to check it out because I do miss Vice News.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:07] Yeah, I know. Now Vice is going to be on Viceland but I have to figure out how to get Viceland as a channel because I have no clue.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:00:13] Good luck. I tried.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:15] Yeah, it's on cable somewhere, somewhere. I don't even have my cable box plugged in. The only reason I have cable is because the internet was cheaper with it so I don't use it.
[01:00:23] Anyway, hope you all enjoy that I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. And if you want to go to prison with us email me email@example.com. Looking forward to meeting a lot of you it's going to be a great event. We have a lot of people coming. We've got a lot of really interesting people coming as well, and it's just going to be a blast.
[01:00:40] A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.
[01:00:44] Quick shout out to Karina. She spotted me at the Mondrian Hotel the other week and works over at the Andaz Hotel. So thanks for your help. And I'm looking forward to recording some shows of The Jordan Harbinger Show, some episodes of the show, over at the Andaz Hotel on Sunset Boulevard next time I'm in LA. You're awesome for helping set that up. I really appreciate it.
[01:01:03] Go back and check out Dennis Rodman and Dr. Jolene Brighten if you haven't yet. And if you want to know how I managed to book all these great people, manage my relationships using systems and tiny habits that don't take a lot of time, check out Six-Minute Networking. It's a free course. It's over at jordanharbinger.com/course. And the problem if you're doing it later, you think, I'm going to do this but not right now, you cannot make up for lost time when it comes to relationships and networking. The number one mistake students and entrepreneurs make is postponing this and not digging the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships, you are way too late. This stuff takes a few minutes per day. You ignore it at your own peril. jordanharbinger.com/ course.
[01:01:43] I'm on Instagram and Twitter @JordanHarbinger. Great way to engage with the show videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason?
Jason DeFillippo: [01:01:51] You can check out my tech podcast grumpy old Geeks at gog.show or your podcast player of choice. And if you're a podcaster or interested in starting a podcast, check out The Club. That's at club.podcastschool.co. It's free and open to everyone.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:02:04] This show is created in association with PodcastOne in this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
[01:02:19] Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own and yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got lots more in the pipeline. Very excited to bring it to you in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:02:45] Calling all True Crime fans. The Court Junkie podcast is now once a week on PodcastOne. Imagine being wrongfully convicted for a crime, you didn't commit or a killer is still on the loose, even though there's enough evidence for an arrest. The Court Junkie podcast shines a light on the injustices of the judicial system through deep dives into court documents and interviews with those closest to the case. Download new episodes of the Court Junkie podcast every week on Apple Podcasts and PodcastOne.
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