You recently discovered evidence that your friend of 12 years has a significant other who’s nothing but a no-good two-timer. Is it your place to call this out? Is exposing a cheater the right thing to do even if it may ruin your friendship? We’ll dig into this and more right here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? It’s filling up fast; reach out to firstname.lastname@example.org for details!
- You recently uncovered dirt on your friend’s significant other as a faithless, two-timing snake. Is exposing this cheater the right thing to do?
- Recently reconnecting with an old friend, you were shocked to discover they’ve been diagnosed with a potentially fatal condition. While you’re not super close, you want to be of comfort without being awkward. What should you do?
- New to your field, you’ll be attending a networking event with other young professionals and industry veterans soon. What can you do to stand out and be remembered in a good way?
- You recently angered a friend by unknowingly poking fun at him for being single, but you’re so embarrassed and upset with yourself for hurting him that you don’t have the courage to apologize bravely and sincerely. How can you make things right?
- Someone you once considered close has in recent years become cold and judgmental, though you can’t point to any event that would constitute a falling out. Others in your circle have noticed, so you’re pretty sure it’s not just you. What can you do to get to the bottom of this?
- What’s the best way to cope with the psychological toll of starting and running your own business? (Thanks to Brian Clark from Copyblogger for fielding this one!)
- You consider yourself pretty genuine, so should you even be attempting to network with people you don’t like just because they’re decent connections within your industry?
- A friend has become annoyingly needy and narcissistic since breaking off an engagement. How can you break it to them that their behavior has become unacceptable without being heartless?
- Life Pro Tip: When you’re moving, pack a “first day” box with everything you think you’ll need right after you arrive. It’s annoying to dig through all your boxes for things like modems and hair dryers when you’re tired from your move.
- Recommendation of the Week: The Spy
- A quick shout out to everyone who listens to the show in part to practice their English, and to those who’ve written in to tell Jordan you appreciate his attention to articulation!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Resources from This Episode:
- Chase Jarvis | Cultivating Your Creative Calling, TJHS 252
- Jamie Metzl | Genetic Engineering and the Future of Humanity, TJHS 253
- The Downside to Following Your Intuition by Jordan Harbinger
- 10 Historical Euphemisms for Infidelity, Mental Floss
- Six-Minute Networking
- Cameron Herold | Making the Most of Your Bipolar Superpowers, TJHS 229
- The Benjamin Franklin Effect: The Surprising Psychology of How to Handle Haters, Brain Pickings
- Flugelhorn, Wikipedia
- The Spy
Transcript for Is Exposing a Cheater the Right Thing to Do? | Feedback Friday (Episode 254)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer, Jason DeFillippo, on the Jordan Harbinger Show. We decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. This week, we had superstar photographer and entrepreneur, Chase Jarvis, on creativity and why it's absolutely crucial as part of being a healthy human being as well as how we can improve our creativity and potentially use it to improve the rest of our lives even if we don't consider ourselves creative. And that was important especially for me because, I believe it or not doing the show, I still don't think I'm creative. We also had Jamie Metzl talking about genetic engineering and creating superhumans and what humans of the future might look like and be like and feel like now that we can actually edit our DNA and filter or screen for the traits we want and don't want in our offspring. Fascinating and scary at the same time.
[00:01:01] I also write every so often on the blog, the latest post is The Downside to Following Your Intuition. A lot of people go, "Well, my gut says this or my intuition said that." A lot of us, we don't realize that we're just following our social programming. It's not our intuitions and our gut telling us anything, this is our habits, our social programming. You ever hear someone say, "Well, I'm following my gut on this one." And you're thinking, "Yeah, but the last three guys you dated were all horrible drug-abusing a-holes." Like maybe you shouldn't follow your so-called intuition. Maybe your intuition is terrible and you should never listen to it again. So of course, I write a post on that. I think it's a little controversial, but it should be helpful as well. So make sure you've had a look and listen to all of that. The blog posts are always at jordanharbinger.com/articles. We do it all for you.
[00:01:47] Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guests' insights and our experiences and insights along to you. So the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you wherever possible. That's what we do today and every Friday on Feedback Friday. You can reach us firstname.lastname@example.org. And I know a lot of you were interested in this prison trip. I'm doing it on February 26, so I'm spending my 40th birthday at a maximum security prison. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be life changing. I've volunteered there before. We're going to do a little bit of volunteering. Don't worry we're not like scrubbing things. We're going to be working with education and some of the inmates. February 26 Reno, Nevada, well just outside of Reno, Nevada. Got some potentially got some celebrities coming with us which should be really fun and probably funny. There'll be a camera crew there of course. It should cost around a thousand to 1200 bucks. Not sure yet. Depends on expenses. It's a donation to this program. I'm not taking it. It's not going towards something strange, nefarious or frivolous. We'll know the costs sooner. But if you want to join us or you're not sure, you just think it sounds kind of like fun, email me email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org. And we'll put you on the interest list if you're interested and potentially making it out to renal with us February 26, 2020.
[00:03:01] I also just want to say I'm having a lot of fun doing the show these days and it's largely because of you, listeners. You guys are awesome. The letters we get are awesome. The interaction on social media is awesome. You're just a smart bunch of nice people and I am so thankful for that. And for you, given how the internet can really be Jason, I don't know if you noticed, it can be stressful of everything that's wrong with society. There's some negative people on the internet.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:26] No, never. Come on. Everybody's so happy. The internet connects the world and--
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:31] Right. It brings out the best in everyone.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:33] Absolutely.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:33] But it does seem like we attract great people. And if you're listening to this, that includes you and I thank you for your time and attention today and always, so thank you for listening. Thank you for writing in. Thank you for being so kind online and being a fan of the show and for sharing it with other people, which is what helps keep the lights on around here and grow the show as well. Jason, you know, I'm having fun, but a lot of the people that write in are not having any fun at all. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:00] Dear Jordan, Jason, and Jen, my ex-girlfriend, who I dated off and on for about four years, called me last night. We talk every few weeks even though we've been broken up for a while. She told me that she was drunk and that she needed to get something off her chest. She said, "I slept with, let's call her Amanda's boyfriend last New Year's Eve." This was while we were still dating. Amanda, my friend of 12 years, is dating this guy who is just a bad person, plain and simple. I found out other crappy things that this guy's done besides sleeping with my girlfriend, but I've never had evidence as compelling as I do now. Do I tell Amanda that her man is cheating on her? Other people have come to Amanda about this stuff in the past and her boyfriend lied his way out of it. It's probably naive to think it'll be different if I tell her since we're such good friends, but I'd like to know what you think. Is it ever a good idea to expose the cheater? I appreciate all the work you guys do and I recommend you to all my friends. Thanks. Befuddled About the Boyfriend.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:55] Oh yeah. This is snarly, but I understand where you're coming from. You don't want her to be mad at you. You don't want to mess with your friend's well-being, but yeah, you should tell her not because she's going to listen to you, but because it's the right thing to do. Let me explain here. I see how this is a tough calculation, but let's see what happens. Whenever I'm sort of like, "Oh, do I do it, do I not?" I tried to go at it backwards. Let's see what happens if you don't say anything. So you feel guilty because you're harboring a secret. You've got a secret from your friend, Amanda, who you care about. Right?. You know this secret will hurt her when it eventually comes out, which might be at a really bad time. Like maybe it happens publicly after she gets a disease from him maybe. Or they get married and they have kids and then she is stuck in there, or she's got to work with this co-parent with this a-hole. You know, this is really, really bad. So she might also find out that you knew the whole time. Then how do you think she's going to feel? Then if you do tell her, yeah, she might be angry with you. She'll probably be angry with you temporarily if at all. She also might not believe you. She probably will because she probably already knows actually or has a hunch. Maybe she's following her intuition. She might also be mad at you. She might be mad at you. Look, she's taking it out on you because she's not sure how to react, and she maybe knows it or she thought she was hiding it the whole time. Or maybe it's the first she's heard of it and maybe she does think you're making the whole thing up. But I don't think so. I think when people hear this from a trusted friend with no real agenda, they tend to believe it. Sure. Some might be like, "You just want to break us up because you're miserable. I hate you." That's possible but unlikely. Even if you tell her and she doesn't believe you and hates you afterward, which is not impossible. You've still done the right thing. You're not holding a secret. You've done what's right to protect someone from further harm and potentially from getting an STD as a bonus. And if she doesn't listen, that's on her. But you're then clear from an ethics standpoint and that in my mind is most important because you can sleep well at night knowing you've done the right thing and there's no way for this to catch up to you later down the line. And she's also going to start looking for the signs of this. Even if she doesn't believe you at all, she'll be like, wow, that's clearly BS. And then when he's like, "Hey, I got to stay at work, got a 11:00 PM to 4:00 AM shift you." She'll be like, "Oh, that's weird." You know, she'll start to put the pieces together because there'll be some awareness around it and even if she's mad when you tell her, she's probably going to be thankful later on.
[00:07:25] Keeping secrets for other people, especially bad people. That's what makes this type of situation toxic. This a-hole who's totally selfish doesn't care about you, doesn't care about your friend, doesn't care about anybody but himself. This person is then going to what force you to keep his secret because he's putting you in an awkward position. Sorry, but no, thanks buddy. No thanks. I'm off to none of that. You don't owe him anything. Keeping secrets for other people, especially bad people. Even if your intentions are good ways on your psyche, it's not good for you. Trust me. This is the voice of first-hand experience of speaking here. You cannot be responsible to keep someone else's secret. Even if you think you're doing your friend a favor. What would you want if you were in her shoes? Would you want to know? Yeah, you'd want to know. Of course, you would. You might shoot the messenger, but you'd still want to know. You just might not know who to be mad at right away, but you'd still want to know. Even if he didn't believe the person, you'd still want them to say something. I would. Anyway. All right, next stop.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:22] Hi Jordan. After some procrastination, I finally got around to poking into the Six-Minute Networking course. I reached out to an old friend who I haven't spoken to in a few months as part of step one. The response I got was something I could not have been prepared for. He told me he was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few days ago and is waiting for a biopsy, but that most likely his tumor is benign. As you can imagine. That was a heavy answer and I totally felt stumped about how to respond. Any or suggestions should a similar situation arise in the future? Sincerely, Wasn't Ready for That One.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:53] Yeah, so, oh, well, this is really shocking. I get you. Fortunately, it sounds like he's going to be fine since they're expecting his tumor to be benign. Even a benign brain tumor though it's serious business, right? It's not like, ah, you're good. Walk it off. I mean, it's still a brain tumor, whether or not it's cancerous, so yikes. Yeah, I hear you. This is actually though a great opportunity to provide emotional support to somebody and I don't mean you have to hold them and cry with them or anything like that. He might not even be doing any of that. Yeah. He's not a close friend. That doesn't really matter. This is actually a great way to show someone's support who might not actually be getting it elsewhere. We all have a tendency to assume that other people are in similar situations as us. It's a very human thing to do, right? You're just thinking, Oh well, I'm sure that his family is around him and that he's got close friends who are making sure he's chewed up. You don't really know that though. That might be your situation. Not a lot of people have that for themselves. I mean, there are people whose families, when they get a brain tumor say, "See, I told you not to use a cell phone and throw it back on them." Or their friends might go, "Oh, you know, Jordan is being such a downer with this whole brain tumor thing, let's just not call him. It's such a downer. It's probably going to die. I don't wanna have to deal with that." You know, you don't know what kind of stuff people are really getting in their network. A lot of people shy away when those around them go through problems like this.
[00:10:18] And I know that it sounds like I'm making light of this, but I know this to be true. I didn't have this firsthand, but I've had friends who've had serious, serious illnesses and I literally heard people say, "Oh, it's such a downer to be around." And I'm thinking you are a narcissistic, sociopath, how dare you. But people often think that or they're highly uncomfortable and they don't know how to act. So they say things like that or they think things like that. Even if it's unconscious. People who go through this often will lose support from those close to them for reasons that even they have trouble explaining. People in these situations often need an outlet and can't find one, or they think other people don't care. Or they've said so much about this because it is the center of their life that they're worried that they're going to alienate their friends and family because it's all they talk about. But maybe they're not done venting yet. Maybe they're not done talking about it. Maybe they do think out loud and that's what makes them feel better. You know, this is the type of thing that you can offer.
[00:11:11] So keep in touch with this person and feel free to say something like, "Wow, I wasn't expecting to hear that. That's really shocking. What's the next step? Is it a biopsy? Will you let us know how it goes? Is there anything I can do to make your life easier while you're going through this?" You know, there's a lot of people who might say things like, "You know, I'm really struggling at night and I can't sleep." And you might say, "Oh, you know what? I've found that using this app helps me go to sleep. Using a night mask helps me go to sleep. Here I'll...What's your address I'll send you one?" You know that type of thing can go a long way. It seems almost like a tiny gesture that wouldn't do anything, but you really have no idea. They might feel more alone now than they ever have, even if there are people around them. So you have to be really conscious of that. And then you send the guy a freaking card or something. I know these sound like, again, like small gestures, but you got to realize even people around your old friend might be pulling away from him because they don't know how to handle it and you're leaning in at this time shows true character, which is rare even among good friends. So this is a great opportunity to show someone's support in a time of need and strengthen a bond or connection with him when he needs it the most. I hate to say win-win because that sounds really trite, but it benefits him a lot and it actually benefits your connection and relationship with him, which is, you know, the whole point of this whole Six-Minute Networking thing. So I'm not saying do this because you'll get something out of it. I'm saying you are now being presented with an opportunity to be valuable to somebody when they might really, really, really, really need it. So consider this a good sign for you to test your character and do something good for someone.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:46] I would also add, try and do something face to face if possible. If you're in the same town because everybody's going to be sending emails or text and you know, just let me know whatever I can do for you. But if you just spend some time with that person, it really means the world to them because...Jordan, you're right, people are going to pull away when they hear news like this. They're going to get ghosted and it's just like, "Oh great. I tell you I've got, you know, something bad going on and now I've got even less people to help me." But if you actually go to them, spend some time, take them out for dinner, just go see a movie with them. Something, it means a lot to them that somebody is willing to step up and just see them in person because you know people do shy away. Everybody's just on the internet nowadays. So just try and build that face-to-face time because if this does come back and turn out to be malignant, they're going to need even more help. And you are the one that stepped up in the beginning and that just makes a fantastic friend.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:38] It does. Yeah. You really, I know we're sort of beating this one to death, but you really just don't know. There are people that I know who have said things like, "I can't be around my family right now because they're driving me crazy." Or the guilt tripping them and making them think it's their fault. I didn't make that example up. That's a real example. Yeah. Oh, if you'd eaten things that I told you to eat that were healthier, you wouldn't have this brain can't. It's like, how dare you? You know, and these are people's mothers and fathers or just people who are telling their close friends and their close friends are saying, "Yeah, I don't want to hear about this anymore. It's making me feel depressed." And they just don't have people around them of strength and character. So you really do have a unique opportunity to show somebody and yourself, frankly, what you're made of. Okay. What's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:23] Hi Jordan. Jason and Jen. I'm a first-year attorney and I'm attending a networking event in a different city in a few weeks. The event is for lawyers that are looking to break into the sports industry. I've never been to a big networking event like this before and I'm wondering what are some tips to help me stand out and leave an impression on some of the panelists and executives that'll be there. Should I be giving out business cards, providing people with a copy of my resume? This isn't necessarily a job fair. More so just a way for young professionals in the industry network with some of the veterans that have been doing it for awhile. Thanks. Branching Out and Breaking In.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:57] Definitely no resumes for sure. Nothing says I want something from you like a guy handing out resumes. I would run from you if you started handing out resumes, instant repellent in a place like this. Keep one maybe two on hand, and I don't mean like in a folder that you're holding, I mean something in your hotel room during the conference or something like that. Keep one or two on hand in case someone asks for it. You can always email it to them. No one's going to go, "Oh, can I look at a paper copy of your resume right now?" It's just not gonna happen.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:27] And it should be on your LinkedIn profile. That's what LinkedIn is for.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:30] Literally. Yeah, business cards are fine, but don't hand them out. Nobody's going to use it. They're going to get recycled. What you use business cards for is if someone says, "Yeah man, I would love to keep in touch about XYZ." Or like, "Hey, yeah, actually let me shoot you a mail. What's your email address?" And you go, "Actually, I have a card." And then you make them give you theirs because you don't wait for them to reach out to you. So I mean, I have like two business cards in my wallet and then I keep the rest in my luggage for conferences and events, but I don't keep a bunch of cards in a card holder. I can't even remember the last time somebody was like, "Can I have a card?" And then I was like, "Oh no, I'm all out." It's just you get asked once every three months if you have a card, unless it's a formality and people are like, "Eh, do you have a card or anything?" And then it's like sure and then they just throw it away.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:16] Yeah. I remember back in the '90s when everybody had business card holders and they were all fancy and you have to pop it open with posh and circumstance and pull out your fine linen card and hand it to them. I mean I print mine at home now and I just give them to somebody with the basic information and what I'll do is I'll write on the back exactly what we were talking about, like that guy from this conference talking about this and hand it to him and say, "Here you go. You know, just a reminder of what we were talking about when you look at this in six weeks and try and figure out why do I have this card?"
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:45] Yeah, it's a waste. I'll just throw it out there. Business cards are usually a waste. You have to have some, but don't make 7,000. You're never going to hit. If you're handing these things out, you're just the person who keeps handing out cards that get thrown away. It actually lowers your status, in my opinion. I mean, nobody goes, "Hey, Dennis Rodman, do you have a business card?" "Hey, Kobe, do you have a card?" "No, I don't have a card. You know, come on. Are we doing business or what?" Maybe in certain niches, lawyers, engineers, it's different, but I'll tell you, if I'm looking to hire someone, I'm not, they better email me. I'm not going to email them from their color. It's just not going to happen. I've outlined important things to do before events like this in our course Six- Minute Networking. It's very, you've heard me say it before. It's a free course. jordanharbinger.com/course.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:28] The gist of what to do to prepare for an event like this is the following...Research the people who are going to be speaking and on panels. You can find out from the fricking event website. This should be like the first thing they're advertising. I outlined how to research people in Six-Minute Networking. You can start by checking out LinkedIn and finding a personal interest, not a business interest, not "Oh, they like Jim Rowan." Big deal. No, they play squash. They love flower arranging, I don’t know, whatever. Reach out to these people using LinkedIn or email about their personal interest and I have scripts and how to do that in Six-Minute Networking for that as well. If you don't have their email and you don't want to use LinkedIn or you've used LinkedIn and not gotten a response because maybe they don't use it that often, you can go to hunter.io. We'll link to that in the show notes and you can search for people's emails by domain. It's actually really useful. And you might not even find their specific email like let's say they work at target corporate. There's going to be thousands, tens of thousands of emails in there, but you can get a feel for the format. So if it's like email@example.com. You can probably assume that Tim Hunter is tim.hunter or firstname.lastname@example.org. You don't really know, but you're guessing and you might be able to find them there. And what you should not do, Pro Tip, if you're doing this, don't send 17 different email attempts to tim.hunter, timothy.hunter, t.hunter@ in the two fields because it looks really spammy and weird. Send separate emails. Nothing says, I don't really know you like email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com. Nothing says I'm just spamming you like that and my spam filter and software will often catch that anyway. Spend the extra two seconds and just send separate cut and paste emails if necessary. So what if they get it twice, right? It doesn't really matter.
[00:19:16] So reach out to them using that personal interest, not a work interest. The reason is because if someone writes to me and says, "Oh, there's this thing about podcasting." I've probably seen it and I consider it work, but if somebody sends me something and they're like, "Hey, check out this article about a personal interest that you have North Korea," for example. I'm like, "Ooh, let me check that out. I haven't seen that. I haven't spent time following that recently because I've been busy at work." So that's the reason that personal events will cut through a lot of the crust. People will likely check it out first. They'll respond to it. "Hey, thanks. How did you know I liked that?" Right? "Oh, you actually pay attention to who I am." You don't have to say, "I cyber stalked you." You can. You can say, "I saw it on LinkedIn." That's not weird at all actually. It's totally what LinkedIn is for, and then tell them you're going to XYZ event and you're looking forward to meeting them there. Then when you meet them, you can bring up the message you sent. "Hey, my name is Charlene Tran. I'm the one that sent you that article about North Korea." "Oh, Hey, nice to meet you," instead of, "Hi, you're the 50th person I've met today that is waiting in line after my talk about being a sports agent and now you're person number 87 asking for an internship this summer." You just cut through all of that because you've already had a previous interaction that they pegged to you that's actually positive. And then if applicable, set something up before you meet them or after the event maybe or something like that about the personal interests.
[00:20:38] So if they've got a personal interest, like they love squash and you play squash, don't fake it. But if you play squash or racquetball, whatever it is, you can say, "Hey actually got a court tomorrow for 9:00 AM are you down? Do you want to play? If not, I'll happily find someone else, but I'd love to play with you if you want." They might go, "Actually that sounds great." "Oh, I don't have a racket." You can say, "Ah, well I think we can rent them there." You know, whatever it is, you can get a court for something like that and it might be worth just paying the court fee at some club nearby or even at the hotel where the conferences, because nothing will make a friend like spending an hour playing their favorite sport in the morning. Sometimes it's just a workout, you know, you might say, "Hey, do you, you lift at all, do you want to go to the gym tomorrow? What time do you going to show up?" I mean lifting is a little bit less of a team thing. Squash is really good. Any sort of sports is really good. I know a lot of people golf in the morning before events like this. I don't, I don't like golf that much, but it's one of those things you can find other things that serve that same purpose. Hell, if you know somebody who's a foodie, find a legendary sandwich place in town and say you're thinking of going here, do you want to join me? It looks amazing. And then set it up. Get a reservation if that's how you know if it's going to be them. And you or a bunch of people, you can say, "What should I, I'll make the reservation. Do you want to bring anyone else?" And they might say, "Sure, I'll bring my intern. "So you make a reservation for three.
[00:21:54] It's really, really not that hard to do this. It's just that most people are afraid to make the first move. Or to say, I looked online and saw that you're a foodie, because I found your Instagram that somehow people think that's creepy, but it's not. It's totally normal. This is how you get one-on-one time with these people. Not by waiting in line to chat with them, not by tossing a business card or a resume in their face at some conference, that I'm going to fold neatly into my rear pocket and then throw out as soon as I see that you're not looking.
[00:22:20] I'm actually interviewing a legendary sports agent here soon on the show. These guys are characters for sure. And what's great about them and what's great about this for you is these guys are hustlers. Anybody who's a lawyer who's in the sports industry is probably a mover, shaker, hustler. They're going to totally get you being like, I'm doing this extra sort of unique thing to get your attention. It's not corporate investment banker ville where they might think, "Oh, that's unusual. I've never seen that." A lot of sports agents are, these are the people that we're obsessed with. Sports sold millions of dollars’ worth of baseball cards, waited outside someone's office in the rain. You know, these guys are like real hustlers. They're agents. They get it so they're going to understand where you're coming from and they're going to appreciate the hustle.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:07] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:10] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:13] Remember blogging, prolific bestselling author and business guru, Seth Godin, was on the show recently and he makes time to blog every day. Well, he might use Twitter and Facebook to alert his audience to these daily posts. He doesn't build them in someone else's backyard. He owns his own website where he has complete control over what he decides to share. As a result, his grateful readers are spared the intrusion of someone else's algorithms and advertisements cluttering up the place and having their data for nefarious reasons. Seth may be savvy to spinning his own strands on the worldwide web, but you don't have to be if you want. The independence and empowerment that comes with owning your own website. Thanks to HostGator, one of the Internet's oldest and well-known web hosting companies. Your online parlor can be opened for visitors in minutes. Write a blog, display your art portfolio or sell stuff. It's your website. Do what you want.
[00:24:01] HostGator's 99.9 percent uptime guarantee and around-the-clock support ensures your website is available to the eyes of the world every day and night of the year. You got a tight budget. No worries. As long as you're a new user, you get to try any HostGator package for up to 62 percent off the normal price, just for hearing the sound of my voice. And if you're not completely satisfied with everything HostGator has to offer, you've got 45 days to cancel for a refund of every last penny. Check out hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:33] This episode is also sponsored by Rocket Mortgage.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:35] Support for The Jordan Harbinger Show comes from our friends at Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. Home is so much more than a house. It's your own little slice of heaven. That's why when you find the perfect place for you and your family, getting a mortgage shouldn't get in the way. Finding the right house isn't easy, but finding the right mortgage can be. Rocket Mortgage is doing more to help you understand the home buying process so you can get exactly what you need because it's not just a mortgage, it's your mortgage, and they found a better way. Their team of mortgage experts is obsessed with finding a better way, which means that their number one goal is to make the home buying process smoother for you. They make the home buying process work for you. In fact, Rocket Mortgage is there with award-winning client service and support every step of the way. Quicken Loans has helped millions of Americans achieve their dream of home ownership and when you're ready to purchase the home of your dreams, they can help you too. When you work with them, you get more than just a loan because Rocket Mortgage is more than just a lender. Visit RocketMortgage.com/JORDAN and take the first step towards the home of your dreams. Equal Housing Lender. Licensed in 50 states. NMLSConsumerAccess.org #3030. Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. Push a button, get mortgage.
[00:25:41] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review on iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:11] Okay, Jason, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:12] Hi Jordan. I've always been decently attuned to human emotion and I'm pretty empathic. However, I recently pissed off a friend by unknowingly poking fun at him for being single. This is a half-and-half. On the one hand, I really do feel that my friend has a lot of pain-up angst. He's surrounded by couples, but unable to find the right girl. Yet on the other hand, I clearly overstepped my boundaries and crossed the line that caused him hurt and frustration, maybe even betrayal since he shared his feelings with me before. This issue actually highlighted something highly to me because when he confronted me about the issue and told me, "WTF man, that was so uncool." I realized I had absolutely no confidence in typing or saying a proper, sincere apology. My friend is highly confrontational and brutally honest, and it made me feel even more at fault. I do sincerely feel apologetic, but I'm so embarrassed and upset with myself for hurting him that I don't have the courage to apologize bravely and sincerely. I also keep replaying the scenario in my mind and cringing again and again at myself since I usually don't make such terrible social mistakes. Aside from the cliched advice of be honest with him and forgive yourself too. What else would you suggest for a good apology? And what are some tips to mentally get over an embarrassing situation and face the same guy the next day at work without being awkward? I'm someone who struggles with a big ego and pride and can be quite stubborn. Thanks. Signed, How to Undo a Dick Move.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:38] Ye, all right, well it broke his trust. That's why he's mad. It's a sensitive subject and you broke rapport. You know if somebody trusts you with something that they say is hurting them and then you use that knowledge to hurt them more, you broke their trust, you broke the rapport, so he's especially going to be mad about that. I totally understand. So you're right it's a dick move. You don't have to apologize in a way that makes you look or feel good. I feel like that's the hangup here and with most apologies that tends to be the problem because most people who aren't thinking about how to make themselves look good are just going, we'll just apologize. What do you mean? What's the problem? People go wrong with this when they're like, "Ooh, how do I make myself look good? Or sort of like flip it around and make it like it never happened." They tried to apologize in a way that makes it easy for them. They want to come out looking good on the other side, but that's not the point of an apology at all. You said you keep replaying it and cringing and that you don't feel brave. This is actually a good start to an apology. I would start with that. Most people won't stay mad if they know that you're upset at yourself about something. Most people stay mad because it seems like the other person doesn't care and a lot of times we seem like we don't care because we're actually avoiding the feelings we have about the dick move. So a lot of guys do this especially they go, oh, well, instead of apologizing because that makes me feel bad. I'm going to go like what's wrong you pussy. Oh, did I hurt your feelings." When really what they mean is, I'm really sorry but I'm uncomfortable being vulnerable about this. And I also don't want you to hurt my feelings because I'm also sensitive and I clearly screwed this up. But since I'm emotionally incapable, I don't know how to convey that in a way that doesn't make me look bad. And I don't want to look bad because I have low self-esteem. I mean that's like half of my friends in college were like that and a lot of guys don't grow out of that.
[00:29:26] So you probably come off this way if you're avoiding the subject cause it makes you feel uneasy. You might not be as bad as what I just said, but I'm sure that you come across like you don't care if he's still mad at you. Start by calling or seeing him in person. Don't be a wimp. Don't text, don't email. See him in person if you can. If you can't, call him and then tell him you feel really bad, it's making you cringe it's making you lose sleep over it because you feel like a total dumb ass and you hate that you made your friend feel even worse about something that he already feels bad about in the first place. Also, this whole thing about ego and pride, I'll be blunt here, grow up out of that crap. This will literally never serve you at all. It's that type of bravado BS that got you into this situation in the first place. Probably a real man, a real woman values their friendships and personal connections over their image. And by the way, your image is terrible right now and it's only your ego and pride that's stopping you from repairing it. The strongest people are the ones who aren't afraid to admit that they're wrong and make it right with the other person, even if it makes them feel vulnerable when they do it. That is the strength of character. Not trying to pretend that you never make mistakes and that the other person's crazy for feeling bad about something. That's what children and teenagers do, so lose the ego. It's not all about you and look, if you don't get over this part, this is a good opportunity for some self-development here. If you don't get over this stuff, your life is going to be littered with dick moves and you're not going to know how to repair them. And you need this as a skill set just to be an adult with functional relationships. Okay. What's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:04] Hello J. Crew. I have an older sister who married a really awesome guy many years ago, about 14 to be exact. Me and her husband were pretty close. He sent me encouraging messages all the time during my time in the military. We had game nights as often as we could. We talked and hung out and just enjoyed each other's company. Now fast forward those 14 years and I'm now married and living my life with my wife. At some point in that time, a flip switched. He became extremely narcissistic and it would always be like he's talking down to you. Super judgmental to things he only thought he understood and just always acted high and mighty like everyone just needs to aspire to be just like him. The encouraging messages not only stopped, but if we don't initiate contact, we just never hear from either of them. Unfortunately, he's not been a good influence on my sister as well. We don't hang out anymore, mainly because we live so far away, but when we do come to visit my home state, they basically drop us with their son to babysit as they go out for dinner and drinks with friends. Whenever we FaceTime them, it's only my sister. He never comes to say hi. He just sits off to the side drinking a beer. He'll only very briefly acknowledge our presence from afar when my sister points the camera over in his direction. When we text, it takes them days for each response and the conversation is usually dead before it starts. This isn't just my view either. Basically, my entire family has noticed this huge personality change. I wrote my sister an email addressing the issue of our relationship and how I want to see if we did anything to provoke this. It was calm and went okay, I guess, but nothing has changed. Everything still seems just super awkward when we're around each other and very forced when we do want to FaceTime or hang out. What in the world am I supposed to do next? We were also close at one point in time. I still love them and would love to get back what we had, but part of me thinks that ship has sailed. They don't seem to want to change and I know if we visit family and don't make them a priority, it'll be our fault, but at this point I can't really seem to care anymore. Do you have any advice on what would be a good way to proceed? Thanks. Love the show. Signed, Bewildered by the Banishment.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:07] Usually when something like this happens, I check if it's just you or if it's like this with the whole family and social circle. In this case, it sounds like it's not just you, which means it's actually probably them. Of course, so we've narrowed that down. This, however, is where the good news ends. You can't necessarily go back to the way things were, and I know that this is sad because it's your sister, but you can't fix this yourself. You can, however, ask someone like your mom and dad to see if they can find out what's going on because she probably still respects them or her connection with them is probably a little bit better. If her connection, even with your parents is bad. There's something serious going on and you might have to have a little family intervention. You can't really fix this yourself. You could try asking her, especially when he's not around, but you're not necessarily going find out what the deal is. You can ask her what you might do to fix things, but she may or may not tell you or even admit that there's a problem. "Oh no, everything's fine. You know, oh no, we've just been so busy lately." You're not necessarily going to get a legit answer. And to be honest, I think this probably has a lot less to do with you and a lot more to do with them. Perhaps their marriage isn't going well. Maybe there's something seriously wrong there. For example, if they're fighting, he probably associates you with her and he isn't interested in the relationship and maybe they're planning to divorce when the kids are older or something. Who knows? You don't know. Certainly we don't know. The point is if you're sure you didn't do anything to make this happen and you probably didn't, if the whole family is experiencing the same thing, you can ask her to see what the deal is, then you can't fix it, which means you should not worry about it. And I know that's easier said than done.
[00:34:46] It is sad to lose someone close to you. This has happened to me before and based on what I know now, I know that all my efforts to fix things were in vain anyway. And the more I tried, the more the other person just got bitter about it because it was their issue. He wasn't interested in fixing any of the stuff that was going on. I was a scapegoat for his relationship problems and all this other BS. They were too into their own BS and victimhood and all that self-centered stuff. They ended up screwing up most of their other functional relationships. getting into alcohol, getting into drugs to medicate. There was nothing I could do, although I blamed myself because that's what we usually do. We think, "Oh, I'd done something." Especially if the other person's telling you you're a bad person, you're responsible for their problems. That doesn't sound like your sister's doing that. But I would ask your sister what's up and if you want, ask him to separately see if you can get him. Ask him too because maybe he'll go, "Well I'm glad you asked the laundry list of all this crap that you do that we find really annoying." But I wouldn't take it at face value because he might say, "Well you're, you know, we find you really obnoxious and dah, dah, dah, dah." "Well, what about our parents? And then what about the other siblings and dah, dah, dah." You know, you just don't know. He might tell you what he thinks you want to know or if something that'll get you off his back. So you can ask him. He might be honest with you, but he might just throw a red herring in there. So don't just automatically believe whatever he says.
[00:36:03] But after that, if you don't get a satisfactory answer, just let it go. Things might course correct later on. There's nothing you can do to force this situation. If things are really bad between your sister and even your parents and things like that, then yeah, maybe you all need to sit down and have a come to Jesus with her about this and maybe she'll break down and tell you what the truth is because you might lose your sister over this, but barring some sort of intervention, this isn't something you can single handedly fix and do on your own, especially if he's not interested in making it happen.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:34] This next question, we got some help from my friend Brian Clark over at Copyblogger. He's a successful entrepreneur. He's been in the game for a long time and we're going to handle a business question with his help.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:46] What's the best way to cope with the psychological toll of starting and running your own business? Signed, Stressed with the Startup.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:53] Okay. Here's me with Brian Clark. For me, Brian, this one, I have a love-hate relationship with questions like this because when I first started my business, I wasn't thinking, hmm, there's going to be a psychological toll. Now in a way, Amal is ahead of the game because he realizes that there's going to be a psychological toll. I went just bumbling into this. However, if you're like, "Ooh, I've got to mentally prepare myself for the psychological toll of starting and running your own business," that sounds like one of those things that can delay you from doing actual work forever.
Brian Clark: [00:37:25] Yeah, man, I got to tell you, the business that I did between 2002 and 2005 before Copyblogger, I mean it almost destroyed me and it was a raging success, but I hadn't learned the lessons of working on your business, not in it, not trying to do every damn thing yourself, delegation, processes, all the stuff. I think most people learn the hard way, or maybe it's just me, but the reason why I really think that's such a fantastic question is I know so much more now than I did then and I love starting new things. You know? I mean I could be coasting right now and I've got for things going because I love it. And yet when I reflect on the amount of stress that I put on myself, trying to come up with the right answers, trying to do the right thing, trying to make things fascinating and effective and persuasive and useful, all the things you have to do, it's like putting yourself through the ringer on purpose. Like I think it takes a special type of person to do that. So if you don't love it, it's really probably better to get a job. And you know me, I'm mister rah rah for not having a job, but man, you just got to love it more than having a very kind of clear framework for how you go about your day. But I will say this, I think we're entering turbulent times and I'd love to get your take on this, but I think pretty much everyone, those with jobs, contractors, freelancers, everyone is going to have to be more entrepreneurial because things are, they're getting crazy and it's going to get crazier with AI, automation, robotics, everything else that's going on right now.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:19] Sure. Yeah. We are definitely entering some uncertain times. I want to put a little asterisk where you said if you don't love it, you're better off getting a job. I want to be really clear. You don't have to love every minute of it. I think, you know, I'm in the middle of settling a lawsuit. I've got fired from my own company. I'm in the middle of battle with all those schmoes, so like, I don't love that. I don't love getting a book at the last minute because the publisher was freaking lazy and I've got the interview the next day and they don't show up on time. I mean, there's all these little things, so don't think you have to love every minute of some entrepreneurial venture that you're doing. That's not how business works. But if you're sitting there going--
Brian Clark: [00:39:56] That's not going to happen.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:57] You know, it's not going to happen. But if you are one of those people who's like, wait a minute, I can't take it. When these things happen and I get rocked when I face adversity, then I would say do a side hustle for a while and see if running your own business is even for you. Because what a lot of people do is they run from their boss. They do this thing where they go, "I don't like my boss. I'm starting my own business," or "I don't like having to get up and go to meetings. I'm starting my own business." That's the wrong reason. Your business should pull you into it because you find yourself spending every waking moment working on this thing that you really like, that you're passionate about, and then you're working on it during your lunch hour and then you're sneaking a quick call in for that business during one of your breaks and then after work. You're not going out for drinks with everybody. You're going home to work on your business and you're spending weekends doing it like it should pull you in. It should be irresistible. It should not be a function of, man, my boss is such a jerk. Everyone I work with is such a loser. I need to start a business because I'm unemployable. That's not really going to sustain you during the hard times.
[00:40:57] What sustains you during the hard times is going, you know what? This was a huge pain in the butt, but at the end of the day, I'm running a show that I love or I'm running a business that I love, or the guy earlier, well we were talking about, he's cleaning dumpsters and he's like, this is actually really nice. I'm outside, I'm working hard. I love managing it. This is a really fun opportunity. Who'd think I liked cleaning garbage cans, which is literally what he's doing. That is a guy who's going to make it through adverse times, right?
Brian Clark: [00:41:23] Yeah. We're professional problem solvers. Big and small day in, day out, and so there's got to be something larger. You got to love them, even though I don't know what it is. But yeah, Amal's question actually had a second part where he referenced your transition that you came on my show and we discussed at length. I think that's what motivated him to ask that. Because you went through like even beyond the normal day-to-day things you have to do to keep things going. And of course not only did you handle it like a champ, but you came through bigger and better than ever. But I know I could hear it when we talked and when we talked offline that that was hard on you.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:08] Yeah, that's for sure. You're right. This wasn't sweep the deck. This was sort of, there's a hole in the wall, but from a giant torpedo and the torpedoes still stuck in the wall hasn't exploded yet. We're waiting for that part. You know, like that's what I went through business wise and it took me a while to figure this out because a lot of people ask me what the secret was to being able to rebuild and go through with it. There were obviously a lot of pieces to this, but primarily it was the relationships that I built, the support network, that I built around me, including you, Brian, was what helped me through this. You know, I was able to call guys like you and go, "Okay, okay, so I'm just eating this giant saj sandwich right now and what do I do to get through this?" And you go, well, you know, this is going to...I don't remember your specific advice, but the general advice from a lot of guys like you and your position was, "This is probably going to end up okay, you're going to be fine, but this sucks right now. And anything I can do to help, you know, we'll do that. And you've got a lot of people around you and all that stuff." And that was helpful. And I remember Cam Herold for example, telling me, "You aren't going to like this, but I'm gonna tell you anyway, this is the best thing that ever happened to you. It just really sucks right now." And I was like, "You're right. I don't love that." But it did make sense. And that was actually what ended up happening. So that to me helped me get through it.
[00:43:21] The other component was, and I said this on another show, that action ends suffering because for me, when I went through this initially, it's really easy to sort of run around like a chicken with your head cut off and you feel like you're a blender with no lid on. But once I focused my energy into working on rebuilding the business, that's when I was able to really get my head down and focus again because you can stress out and you can lose sleep and that isn't really going get you anywhere. But if you're able to go, all right, today I recorded three shows. Okay? Today I booked a bunch of future guests. All right. I got a deal together. All right. I rebooked some of my advertisers. You know, if you're focused and you're rebuilding brick by brick, you won't have time to stress out. And then when you go to bed, you'll still be stressed and anxious, but you'll know that you're putting one foot in front of the other instead of just running around in circles. And that I think is a great way to get past some of the drama and stress that a lot of people have.
Brian Clark: [00:44:16] Yeah. And I think that was exactly what I told you pretty much when we talked. I don't know that just anybody would have made it through, but you had a certain resolve that made me think, "Yeah, he's going to be okay." But yeah, you're right. This sucks. But to your point, yes, you do one thing a day, the most important thing a day, you know the old, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Just don't freeze up. Do what needs to be done today. Stop. Try to get a good night's sleep. Get up in the morning, do the next thing. Over time you're through it. Other people got frozen, didn't do anything, and that was the end of it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:57] Right? Yeah, that makes sense to me. All right, thanks to Brian Clark for his help with that one. He's over at Copyblogger and a good friend of mine and highly successful. He got a good lifestyle going for himself over there.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:10] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday or right after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:13] This episode is sponsored in part by Borderlands.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:16] Let's make some Mayhem. Shoot and loot your way through a mayhem-fueled adventure in Borderlands 3. Blasts through new worlds and enemies as one of four new playable vault hunters. Each with deep skill trees, abilities and customization. Play solo or with your friends to take on insane enemies, score loads of loot and save the galaxy from a fanatical threat. Mayhem is coming September 13 on PC, Xbox One, and PS4. Pre-order now at borderlands.com. Rated M for mature.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:44] This episode is also sponsored by NetSuite. So if you don't know your numbers, you don't know your business. I give talks about this quite a bit. It's amazing to me how many people don't understand their revenue or where it comes from. But the problem most growing businesses have that keeps them from knowing their numbers is there's a hodgepodge of business systems. So you've got to kind of mentally reconcile your accounting, the sales stuff, the inventory stuff. It's a big inefficient mess. It takes up time. You've got somebody whose job it is just to make sure they're juggling all this stuff in case you need to know what's going on in your business. No thanks. NetSuite by Oracle is business management software that handles every aspect of your business in a cloud platform that you can look at at a glance on your phone. Save time, save money, or just if you're anal retentive like me, you can look every five minutes and you can get it up to the minute glance at what's going on. It's a very popular cloud business system. There's a reason it's so popular. And Jason, they've got a little guide for them, do they not.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:39] Right now, NetSuite is offering you valuable insights with a free guide. Seven Key Strategies to grow your profits at netsuite.com/jordan. That's netsuite.com/jordan to download your free guide, Seven Key Strategies to grow your profits, netsuite.com/jordan.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:57] This episode is also sponsored in part by Kettlebell Kitchen. There are so many diets and meal plans out there, but chances are they don't take your specific needs into account, which is kind of the story of everyone who's on any kind of diet. Kettlebell Kitchen knows that meal planning is not a one size fits all, which is why they offer a personalized solution. And this stuff looks awesome and is indeed awesome. Meals are ready-made. They arrived just in time for us, which is great because we just had a newborn as you all know. It's an ordeal to leave the house just to get food and come to think of it. It would make a good gift idea probably for new parents. It's also easy to take with you to work. You don't have to think about what to eat today. Spend time going to get food, cooking everything a week in advance. Use that time to spend with your baby workout, be productive at work, whatever you need to do. I think that's the biggest use of some of these meal plans and it's the nutrition you need without the hassle. You can sign up for a plan or you can get an a la carte. So you don't have stuff sitting there, you know, piling up on your porch because well you can't pause like it's not like that with Kettlebell Kitchen. And they've got vegetarian, keto, whole30, paleo, free of dairy, soy, artificial sweeteners, all that stuff, and they got gluten-free. Everything you can even filter by your calorie protein, fat and carb limits so you get the right macros, which is kind of impressive. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:14] Feed the champion in you with Kettlebell Kitchen. Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and enter code Jordan for $50 off your first two orders for new customers. That's $50 off your first two orders at kettlebellkitchen.com. Use code Jordan.
[00:48:28] Thank you for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:45] Okay, Jason, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:46] Hey Jordan. I'm working on building my network and I have a question about who I'm networking with. I consider myself a pretty genuine guy, so should I be attempting to network with people I don't like even if they are decent connections within my industry. Most of these people are co-workers or former colleagues. Reaching out to them feels fake and it's something I don't want to do, but am I missing out on possible opportunities? Should I be Benjamin Franklin-ing them? Let me know what you think. Signed, Too Nice of a Networker.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:14] Well, this is exactly the rationale behind Ben Franklin-ing people, the Ben Franklin effect that comes from a story where Ben Franklin wasn't getting along with another somebody in the House or Senate or Congress. It was something like that. I can't remember the whole thing off the top of my head, but he knew this other person didn't have nice things to say about him. So he actually went the extra mile and said, "I heard you've got a great book collection and it's really amazing. I would love it if you could help me get a hold of this rare book." And the other person wanted to be polite and said, "Well, I do have a copy of this." So he lent him the book, then I don't know kept it on his desk for a while and sent it back to him and this guy then rationalized, "Well I must like Ben Franklin because I helped him with something and I wouldn't help somebody with something if I didn't like them." So yeah, that's the whole technique was essentially invented because of that reason. But if you really don't like them and you have a good reason, let's say you know that they have integrity issues, they've stolen something or they've ruined somebody else's career because they wanted to get ahead of them or just for a laugh, then yeah, don't deal with them. You're fine not dealing with them. It makes things harder, but it's for the best. I try to cut out people that don't have integrity. There's a lot of people who go, why you ever had so and so on the show and usually it's just a lack of time, but occasionally it's because in my head I'm going to ugh, no, this person is going to be in jail for tax fraud in five years if there's any justice, so I don't want them on the show or this person's a charlotting so I'm not going to have them on.
[00:50:44] You have to make sure that you're surrounded by people of integrity because these stains that other people have on their own reputation, they do rub off on those associated with them. Keep people like that at arm's length, you don't have to snub them. You don't have to pretend they don't exist. You don't have to uninvite them from things or refuse to do anything. I mean there have been speaking events where I won't be on stage or even in photos with certain people that I don't respect because I just don't want to be associated with them at all. And you don't have to be their BFF either. But yeah, keep people like that if they have integrity issues at arm's length. I would say you can always have sort of frenemies or people that are just colleagues that you don't especially like, but you can still help them if you feel like, you've got something that would be useful for them as long as it's not an integrity issue. If you just don't click, you can still help them out and you can turn that around. There are plenty of people where I didn't click with them at first and I started helping them out with things because they weren't bad people, I just didn't really like them. And some of those people are my close friends now because we didn't click because we were too similar. And then I started helping them and I realized, okay, that the reason we don't click as we're too similar, not because you're a bad person or something like that. Sometimes it's a miscommunication, so it really does depend on the reason you don't like them. If it's an integrity thing, stay away, but if you just don't click, then yeah, maybe you can put a little more work into things. Last but not least, Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:04] Hello Jordan, Jen, and Jason. I have a friend that's always been very outgoing and somewhat needy. Lately she's become significantly more needy than usual. She asked me and our other friends to hang out every single day, which we obviously don't have time for. When we do hang out, she consistently tries to redirect the conversation back to herself. For example, if someone is telling a story, she'll interject and start telling her own story. If we're talking about one topic, she'll change the topic back to herself. It's gotten to the point where all of our friends are extremely annoyed and frustrated with her. She and I have been close for a long time and I don't want to stop being her friend or see her lose her other friends. Earlier this year, she went through a bad breakup but she was getting therapy and recently got a new boyfriend. I'm not sure if that has something to do with it, but either way this behavior is unacceptable. Any advice for how to handle this situation would be much appreciated. Thanks, Not into the Needy,
Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:57] So this is a self-esteem problem. Kinda low self-esteem 101 over here. This is classic approval-seeking behavior. The whole, oh, let me one up your story or let me cut off you getting attention and make sure the attention is on me. This might seem narcissistic at first but it's actually the result of low self-esteem and low sense of self worth, which narcissism also is it just, this might not be clinical. This might be somebody who's just having a rough time, especially if they've got some abandonment issues exacerbated by this traumatizing breakup. Unfortunately, this is a vicious cycle because sometimes people get dumped by a significant other and lose their friends because of this behavior. And so there's strategy to make sure that never happens again, is to double down on this behavior because they think, "Oh, if people saw I had even more value in it was more interesting, then I wouldn't have had this happen to me in the first place. So now I'm going to make sure everyone knows how cool I am all the time." And then that just makes them even more insufferable, which makes people run away from them. It's really, it's really unfortunate and sad. I would tell her about this, get her to become aware of the behavior. If she's like, "F you, you don't know what you're talking about." Fine, you tried and you don't owe her anything and you can sort of set a boundary and stick to it and not hang out with her anymore. But she might go, "Oh, no, I hope that's not true." You know, she needs therapy and lots of it, frankly.
[00:54:20] Boyfriend, the new boyfriend, this isn't going to fix the problem. She probably goes from one relationship to the other. I'm guessing this new boyfriend is a rebound, like a real kind of, "Oh my God, I got dumped by somebody. I need to find somebody else to prove that I'm still lovable." I really don't think this is going to fix the problem. He might even be kind of bad for her and even if he's not, she's going to push him away with this kind of behavior. Possible abandonment and self-worth issues for sure. Probably in toxic relationships because people like this will often stay with somebody who's toxic or bad and to basically fulfill that hole in their self-esteem. But they will also filter in toxic people because I know if I were dating somebody like that, I'd run for the hills after the first date or two. People who stay in relationships like that often know, "I've got somebody on the hook that I can manipulate," or they themselves have low self-esteem and low self-worth. It's a big problem. So she's probably pushing her new boyfriend away unless he is into this toxic stuff, which is even worse for her. So you've got to set boundaries. This is almost a medical issue at this point. This is not somebody who just needs to get a life. They need therapy, they need mental healthcare before this gets really, really bad and before something horrible happens. I don't mean like violent attack or anything. I just mean he could end up in a toxic relationship, having a kid with somebody to keep them around. I mean it just gets worse from here. This doesn't mean though that you're responsible for fixing their problems. You need to maintain your sanity over everything else. So set boundaries, make sure she knows you can't hang out every day and make her aware of the behavior.
[00:55:51] You know, a lot of really good friends of mine back when I was in college would say things like, "You know, you don't have to one up other people's stories all the time." And I was like, "Oh, do I do that?" And they're like, "Yeah, you do that." And I was like, "No, I don't know." They’re like, "No, really you do. And we like you. Where are your friends? You don't have to like convince us that you're cool." And I remember that just cut to the core and then after that, after I was tempted to interrupt or tell my own cool guy's story, I would think, wait a minute, am I telling this because it fits or am I telling this because I want people to think I'm cool. Rob told me I was doing, ah, yeah. Okay. That's what he's talking about. I'm not going to do that anymore. And it took me a long time, but I got over it. It was great for me.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:31] It takes training though. It takes a lot of training.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:56:33] It does. It takes a lot of training
Jason DeFillippo: [00:56:36] Because you're used to just going, "Hey, but I knew this guy that was even better." Oh wait, wait, wait. And you just got to be ahead of that in your head and say, shut up and enjoy the story and don't try and one up every single time.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:56:47] Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It does take training. It's like a whole exercise and mindfulness and then also having alternate social strategies. I mean, it's not easy to fix. That's why she needs to do it herself. She will need help doing it. In fact, if you do hang out with her and she keeps doing it and she wants the help and you can ask if she does. You can say, "Do you want me to tell you whenever it sounds like you're doing this." And they can go, "You know sure." That way whenever they're like, "Oh, but I do it." You can go ah flugelhorn you know, whatever sort of code word. And then go, "Oh right. Thank you. Sorry." And then if everyone's like, "Flugelhorn?" You're just like, "Ah never mind. It's a long story." She needs her friends right now to help her get through this and sort of spot these issues and she needs a therapist who can then help her work them out because she's got, if this kind of thing is a knot in her psyche, just like a, not in a muscle, she needs a professional massage therapist to work that sucker out and we all get those from trauma. And it sounds like she's either had trauma in the past or this possible abandonment from her previous boyfriend is what caused the trauma. We don't know if he left because she was like this or if the trauma is because he left her, we don't know. And that's something for her to discuss with the therapist. But either way, she's got a little knot in her psyche. She needs friends in therapy to help work it out.
[00:58:03] Life Pro Tip of the Week. When you're moving --which a lot of people have said they are doing recently. I don't know if it's just a lot of people with big changes coming up-- pack a first day box. That's where everything you need when you arrive. That's where you put your toiletries, a couple towels, your slippers, a pair of shoes, socks, underwear, your hair dryer, the cable modem for the internet, phone charger, that stuff. Because what you don't want to do is move. You've got 80 boxes sitting in your garage and on the bottom is maybe one out of the five that might have your phone charger and your toiletries and your toothbrush or in a couple of the other ones, but you're not sure which one. So you're unstacking, moving things around, opening it up. It's just a huge pain. Pack that first day box so that that sitting in the middle of your bedroom or your living room floor and then when you're done with your move, you crack that sucker open and, maybe you've got some CBD in there. Maybe you're got a couple of beers in there that you can throw in the fridge.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:59:07] Speaking of the fridge though, one thing that most people forget about when they move, and I'm a professional mover, a basic set of kitchen utensils, silverware, plates, bowls and coffee cups and water cups. You got to have that because it's going to drive crazy because everybody just packs the kitchen as if it's the kitchen. No, when you get to a new place, you're going to be unpacking for a while. So in that first day box or first day boxes, more than likely make sure you have enough stuff for your kitchen that you can sit around and make some ramen and have a beer. You know, if you'd like to have a mug with your beer. Pack that mug or the coffee in the morning with your tea, you need that stuff. And it is always the worst to have to go through kitchen boxes because nobody packs the kitchen properly. I'll tell you that.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:59:49] That's a good point. I didn't even think about that. But you're right, you definitely do need cups and plates because otherwise you're going to be eating takeout for three days because you're still unpacking everything. You might be doing that anyway.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:00:00] Yeah. I still need a nice set of forks and spoons unless you want to live on plastic.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:03] Yeah, yeah. Don't do that. Bad for the environment. Recommendation of the Week. The Spy. Man, you turned me on to this, Jason. Why don't you tell us what it's all about?
Jason DeFillippo: [01:00:11] Ah, yeah. It's basically a six-part mini-series on Netflix about the super secret agent Eli Cohen who went undercover in Syria. And it's an amazing story and for some strange reason it started Sacha Baron Cohen who we always think of as Borat. Well, he's fantastic in this. He is a great dramatic actor. It turns out and it looks a lot like Freddie Mercury the entire show, but otherwise, this is one of my favorite finds this year. So far. It was really good.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:39] Yeah, he, this is the guy who used to play Ali G, which is ridiculous because you're just thinking, wait, this guy is going to be serious now. And this was one of my favorite mini-series that I've seen in a while. Granted, I do know a lot about this particular country region. I mean I used to live in Israel and I've never been to Syria obviously, but this is a 1960s spy operation that was just next level. And anything based on a true story like this is always so interesting and it turns out that they do a great, great job of it. It's on Netflix, it's called The Spy. We'll link to it in the show notes.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:01:11] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week a link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. If you want to come to prison with me for my birthday firstname.lastname@example.org is where you can write in and tell me that you're interested. That should be the next level. Interesting. I really think it will be life changing for you if you come with us and I'm doing my best to make it a lot of fun.
[01:01:32] Quick shout out to everyone who listens to the show in part at least to practice their English. A lot of you have written in to tell me that you appreciate that I speak clearly and articulately and that means a lot to me because I do keep this in mind as I do the show. One of the things my voice coach harps on to this day is my clarity of speech and not mixing words together, which I grew up doing. So to those of you non-native speakers, I salute you, especially because I know how hard it is to consume media in a second or third language. It is no easy task and I'm happy to help you with that in a way that's more interesting than see spot run the brown fox, the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog or whatever crap is into textbooks.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:02:12] Go back and check out Chase Jarvis and Jamie Metzl if you haven't yet, and check out that article on not trusting your intuition. If you want to know how I manage to book all these great guests and people and manage relationships, I've got systems, I've got habits, and it takes just a few minutes a day. Six-Minute Networking is free over at jordanharbinger.com/course. Don't do it later. Do it now. You can't generate those relationships when you need them. It's too late. You got to dig the well before you're thirsty. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago that this is not fluff. This has been crucial in my success. It's the number one thing that has helped me succeed. I promise you that it's again free at jordanharbinger.com/course. And I'm on Instagram and Twitter @JordanHarbinger. You can engage with the show. You can follow us there. Videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:03:00] You guys can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks over at gog.show on your podcast player of choice. And if you're a podcast or come hang out at The Club, it's a little place I set up for podcasters to hang out. It's at club.podcastschool.co.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:03:14] This show is created in association with PodcastOne and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty, and the music is by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to email@example.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are always their own. Yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love. And even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipe. I'm very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:03:53] Be sure to check out the new LaunchPadDM podcast. Podcasting made simple. Every week the host answers your questions and gives out tips to make your podcasts live simple without the headaches and needing fancy equipment. Get your podcast out there and sound great without breaking the bank. The show is available now on launchpaddm.com. Step one if you have a podcast or want to create one, don't forget to check out the new free hosting platform with support from podcast one as heard with this promo. Tune into podcasting made simple or sign up with your own podcast now at launchpaddm.com.
Sign up to receive email updates
Enter your name and email address below and I'll send you periodic updates about the podcast.