649: Arranged Marriage Threatens Lesbian Couple | Feedback Friday

649: Arranged Marriage Threatens Lesbian Couple | Feedback Friday

[00:00:00] Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the spike mutation, allowing this virus of killer-life advice to become even more transmissible, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people. And turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission here on the show is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening even inside your own mind. 

[00:00:40] If you're new to this show — welcome — on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers, and performers. And this week we had my friend Karim Hijazi on cyber warfare and security. Yeah, I won't say it's all doom and gloom, but it's — no, it's mostly doom and gloom. And we also have my friend Susan Cain on why introverts might actually be better at communication and relationship skills than we thought. And I love this because it takes a lot of excuses off the table for people who think they're introverts, as well as getting us some strategies for communication and rapport, which is always a benefit, in my opinion. 

[00:01:21] I also write every so often on the blog, my latest post, how to say no after you've already said yes. Who hasn't done this, right? The title pretty much says it all. If you've ever found yourself, having to back out of a commitment, a job offer, a trip, a relationship, whatever it is, and you weren't sure how to handle it without hurting feelings or burning bridges or making yourself look bad, this one is for you. I also write about how to become more thoughtful about the commitments that you do say yes to. So you don't have to back out of them quite so often. So make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything we created for you here this week. 

[00:01:52] Now, somebody has asked me why the shows are only one hour. And it's a good question. Why are they only one hour? That's the respect thing. I do prep, right? Lots of people will say that our one hour is as good as some other shows three hours. And it's because of preparations. When I first started, I prepared a lot. I'd have an outline for the whole show and I'd follow the outline religiously.

[00:02:13] And then six months to a year in, I thought, I don't need to do that anymore. I can just kind of wing it, but I've got a rough outline in mind. And now that I'm more professional, I realized that I couldn't wing it and I just thought I could wing it, but I was too ignorant of the fact that when you wing it, you're really blowing it and you're wasting listener's time. And every minute that I take from you, should be something that I've earned from you and if I'm taking it because I was too lazy to read the book, outline my thoughts, come up with questions in advance then I'm wasting your time. 

[00:02:43] And if you multiply that out by the number of people that listen to the show, it's kind of a crime. If I waste an hour of my time, that's now. If I wish an hour of all of your time, that's hundreds of thousands of hours, which is like the amount of time needed to cure a deadly disease. So just think you could all be out there curing Ebola, but no, you're slacking off and listening to this podcast. How dare you, by the way. But yeah, look, new people, we prep. Amateurs, you think you're too good to prep and then you become a pro and you realize you've got to prep. 

[00:03:13] And Howard Stern is like this. He talks about this. He said that when he first started, he prepped a lot. Then he started to just sort of wing it and the show went downhill. And now, the most famous talk show host in the world does a ton of prep. And the idea is to make it look like you don't, but a lot of podcast hosts, especially, you know prep. You can tell. They might think you can't tell, but you can tell. So that's why our shows are only an hour, hour and a half. And it's because it takes time to make something shorter and denser and more nutritious.

[00:03:41] Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? 

[00:03:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 23-year-old bisexual Filipina. And I've been in a relationship with my 24-year-old Chinese girlfriend for nearly a year. Ever since we started dating, my girlfriend has been scared that we might not end up together in the future due to what our families might think about our relationship. Our conversations about this usually end with us agreeing that we just have to live day-by-day and not overthink how our families would react if they found out that we're dating somebody of the same gender. Then a week ago, she said she wanted to break up because to use her words, she cannot fight for me. When I got mad and heard about this, she finally admitted that the real reason she's ending things is that, "It's embedded in our family's tradition to have arranged marriages in order for their business to flourish." She's been trying to fight for her right to freely choose who she loves ever since she was in college, but failed several times already, including with her ex-boyfriend because he wasn't chosen by her family, even though he was Chinese. If she ever did succeed in fighting for her right to marry who she wanted, she's scared that her parents would force her younger sister to undergo an arranged marriage instead. I love my girlfriend so much and I want her freedom more than anything else, even if it means not ending up with me. I want her in my life and I'm fighting for our relationship the best way I can, but we're running out of options. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Signed, Rearranged in a Strange by this Deranged Change.

[00:05:09] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, man, this is really tough. You're in love with a woman who comes from a very rigid culture. That's standing in the way of you being together. It's another Sundance movie. Great. We get these from time to time, Gabe. It's like Crazy Rich Asians, but with two women. And instead of it being about how rich you are, it's about residual homophobia and wanting to make sure your family's textile business actually succeeds.

[00:05:30] I'm sorry, you're in this position. I can hear from your letter how painful this is. And I'm also really touched by the fact that this isn't just about getting your girl at all costs. You ultimately want what she wants. You want her to be free. The problem is if things are going to change, your girlfriend actually has to want that too.

[00:05:48] Now, this is her family. It's her culture. It's her little. To boil this down and be super blunt here for a second. You guys won't end up together, at least not in a real public way, if she isn't willing to say, "Sorry, mom. Sorry, dad. I know you want to pick the person I'm going to marry. I know you don't approve of same-gender relationships, but this is who I am. This is how I want to live my life. This is the person that I love. I'm going to be with her." As long as your girlfriend puts her family's interests above her own, she will stay stuck in that version of her life, which in addition to being very constrictive, it's also pretty heartbreaking. So what can you do?

[00:06:27] Well, you obviously have to support your girlfriend through this difficult choice that she's facing. Listen to her, talk her through it, which I'm sure you're already doing. You can encourage her to get clear on her own needs and interests, help her see that they're totally legitimate. That they're essential which is that you love her. You want to be with her, but what you really want is for her to live a life that is meaningful and authentic to her, which I think is a very important thing to touch on. So she can see that there's something bigger at stake here. It's not just about one partner. It's about an entire way of life. It's about being her own person. 

[00:07:02] And hopefully, you can give her the conviction to fight for that with her family, which also probably means being there for her in a very big way if they, I don't know, cut her off or stop talking to her, or bad-mouth her to other people, whatever it is. Because there's a very steep cost to your girlfriend coming out and building her own life here. Given what you shared, she might even have to give her parents up or give up the relationship she used to have with them anyway, in order to be free. Plus all of the pain that comes from breaking away from a family system, this entrenched, being rejected, being alienated, knowing that she's causing them pain, possibly putting her younger sister in a position to be married off instead.

[00:07:42] And then there's this whole family dynasty pressure on top of all that. That is a huge burden to carry. And I don't envy her for having to make those choices, but the more she feels supported in your relationship, the more she'll probably be willing to risk all that. 

[00:07:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. Great point. Your best bet really is to empower your girlfriend to make the choice she wants to make, which is hopefully the one you want too, but that's a delicate dance because I'm sure you want to just tell her to march over to her parents' house and tell them to F off, so you guys can elope and open an ice cream shop together in Vermont or whatever it is you guys plan to do together. But you know, I'm saying that because the person who wrote in loves ice cream, it's not totally random, but you also have to be patient and let your girlfriend do this on her own timeline. And that might take longer than what you want.

[00:08:26] And if your girlfriend does finally talk to her parents, I would encourage her to help them understand who she is, where she's coming from. I do think it's worth giving her parents a shot at hopefully revisiting their beliefs, opening up their minds, even if the odds are very low, that they'll back down and approve of your relationship. Obviously, the best-case scenario is that they come to accept their daughter for who she is and let her live her own life and welcome you into the family. But obviously, we know that's not always possible. 

[00:08:53] But one concrete thing you could do is encourage your girlfriend to start therapy because coming out as a huge decision, coming out in a family like this though, that's monumental. That is pretty intense. It would be really great if she had a place where she could work through all of this stuff, I imagine, process the childhood she's had, have a professional in her corner as she confronts this huge decision. 

[00:09:15] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. And I hope she does choose her own life over the one her parents want for her. But the reality is she might not ultimately be ready or even willing to fight for your relationship. So your going to have to decide how long to stick around and try. And I know that's really sad to think about, but I would keep it on your radar. The upside is you're 23. You probably don't feel a ton of pressure to settle down right away. There isn't even a huge opportunity cost to not seeing other people. But if you were 33 and in the exact same place with your girlfriend, would that still be okay with you? Would you be willing to keep your relationship a secret and be with somebody who can't be herself with her family forever? Maybe you are, and fair enough, that's for you to decide. 

[00:10:00] I guess what I'm saying is be patient with your girlfriend. Give her the time and space and clarity if she needs to pull the trigger here, but also hold all of that alongside your needs and your values because those matter too. Again, I'm really sorry that you guys are in this position. It sucks. It just does. But like you said, your girlfriend has good reasons for standing up to her parents beyond just being with you. So I hope she does get to build that life and I hope it's with you if that's what she wants too. It'll take a lot of courage and a willingness to shoulder the pain that comes with it, but I'm pretty confident that what's on the other side, that'll be so much better than living a lie and being a tool in some Chinese Game-of-Thrones style, family dynasty building strategy, and maybe that's what you can help her see too. So good luck. We're rooting for both of you. 

[00:10:49] Gabe, I got a wonder, what kind of business this family owned? 

[00:10:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. 

[00:10:52] Jordan Harbinger: You know, like, do they own some huge international conglomerate, like Huawei or are we talking about a family that owns a couple of food trucks and he wants his daughter to marry like the meat supplier so he can get a favorable rate on skirt steak.

[00:11:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: Inflation is real, bro. 

[00:11:05] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, man.

[00:11:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: You know how much a T-bone goes these days? You've got to marry off your daughter to the right people. 

[00:11:09] Jordan Harbinger: That's right, that meat money. 

[00:11:10] Gabriel Mizrahi: Man, I do wonder about that, and so intensive either way. 

[00:11:14] Jordan Harbinger: You know, who won't use you as a pawn and marry you off to the zion of a faceless corporate conglomerate? The sponsors that support this show.

[00:11:23] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back. 

[00:11:27] This episode is sponsored in part by Seekr. I love these folks. They are building their own independent search engine, so it's not just some veneer over another search engine. It's actually its own search engine and they streamline access to reliable and better info. So you can get frankly, more transparency about what you consume and what you share and what you read and what you trust online. They use AI and machine learning to enhance transparency, of course, as is custom in 2022. And what I love is they give each article a score and you can see the score of the article before clicking. So you get an analysis of whether it's like a crazy unhinged rant editorial about somebody or incoherent left or right-wing craziness, clickbait that'll just get you in there. There's nothing beyond the headline, a weird byline or something overly subjective. That is really useful when you're trying to read actual news and thoughts and think pieces instead of just like going into the rabbit hole of nonsense for clicks online. Also there's no ads during their initial beta phase.

[00:12:23] So go to seekr.com to learn how you can make better decisions with access to better information. That's S-E-E-K-R.com.

[00:12:30] This episode is also sponsored by Thuma. If you're looking for a bedroom refreshed, now's the perfect time to elevate the most important room in your home with Thuma. I used to buy cheap furniture. Of course, who didn't? But I've learned my lesson, they don't last. By making a one-time investment in a high-quality item, you'll also be making a long-term investment in your quality of life. The bed by Thuma is handcrafted from eco-friendly high-quality upcycled wood. You'll find beautiful, unique variations in the natural grain with a modern minimalist design featuring Japanese joinery. So that means no screws. It just slides together like Lincoln Logs. Remember those? Thuma's nightstand, side table, and tray also compliment the bed, all back with the lifetime guarantee. Thuma even plants one tree for every bed and nightstands sold. Create that feeling of checking into your favorite boutique hotel suite, but at home with the bed by Thuma.

[00:13:15] Jen Harbinger: And now go to thuma.co/jordan and use code JORDAN to receive a $25 credit toward your purchase of the bed. Plus free shipping in the continental US. That's T-H-U-M-A.C-O/jordan. And enter JORDAN at check out for $25 credit thuma.co/jordan and enter code JORDAN. 

[00:13:33] Jordan Harbinger: Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and/or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show. 

[00:13:51] All right, next up. 

[00:13:52] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe, I recently inherited a lovely home that my grandparents built when I was young. It's my favorite place in the world, and I am so grateful to have. My dad and mom are super fair. So they gave my brother some hunting land in order to keep things even. Since then my husband and I have started an extensive remodel on the home and are probably going to make it our permanent residence after it's finished. The problem is that my parents used to let my ex sister-in-law and her entire family use the house for a week every summer. And now whenever I see her, she always asks me how the house is coming along. She'll even text me on occasion to ask about it. And I know that she's hinting around about using it. While I'm really glad that we all get along because of their child, my 11-year-old nephew, who I adore, I don't want to give my house up to her family for a week every summer. Another thing that bothers me is that my ex sister-in-law and her new husband used my brother's hunting land and cabin all the time. They even stay there together. And her husband was my brother's best friend who she started cheating with. My brother has a learning disability and is a little slow. And I sometimes feel like they're taking advantage of him and his good fortune. My parents are also super kind and generous. So, how do I tell my parents that I don't want my ex sister-in-law and her entire family with little kids and Cheeto fingers staying in my newly remodeled house for a week every summer? Signed, Giving Them to the Count of 10 to Get Their Ugly, Yellow, No-Good Cheetos Off My Property. 

[00:15:19] Jordan Harbinger: Good reference, Home Alone. I haven't heard that in a while. 

[00:15:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: It's a classic. 

[00:15:23] Jordan Harbinger: Well, this is quite a family conundrum, huh? So, first of all, just to answer your question right off the bat, this is you and your husband's house now. You guys inherited it fairly and entirely from your parents and your parents did right by her brother by giving him some property of his own. No one else has a right to it, but you guys now. No one, especially, not your ex sister-in-law, who cheated on your brother with his best friend, like last of all, her. So if you don't want her to use the house, you are in my opinion, well, within your right to say, "Listen, I know the house used to be family property. Things are different now. We're remodeling. We're probably going to move in full-time soon. I'm glad we all get along. And I'm glad that you can stay at my brother's cabin if you want to. I still want you guys to come over and visit. We just don't want our new house to be treated like an Airbnb," or, you know, but your own more tactical spin on it. Personally, I like to keep your crotch goblins and their dirty Cheeto fingers off my crap, line. But you go ahead and tailor that as you see fit. 

[00:16:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: So diplomatic, a little bit. 

[00:16:20] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I mean, look, I'm nothing, if not— 

[00:16:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: Tactful. 

[00:16:23] Jordan Harbinger: —eloquent. Now, the hard part about that is that you love your nephew and you still want to have a relationship with them, which is great. So you have to be tactful here, make sure you don't drive your ex sister-in-law away completely. And hey, maybe a way to keep everyone happy is to do an annual family get together at the house, one day, maybe an overnighter. And that's how you guys stay connected and they get to enjoy the house without them taking it over for a full week every summer, but also whether they come for a week or a day, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask them to be good guests. If her kids are leaving Cheeto dust all over your freshly painted cabinets, then you can ask your sister-in-law, you know, "Please make sure your kids wash their hands before they go around the house. Make sure they don't wear their muddy shoes on my carpet," whatever it is. It's not crazy. I'd be annoyed for a bunch of grubby kids wrecked my own little architectural digest dream house too. 

[00:17:13] Now, as for your ex sister-in-law's relationship with your brother and your parents, that's the trickier part. Tricky, because it sounds like your brother has an intellectual disability, or maybe he just isn't very attuned to other people's intentions or what's fair, but it's also tricky because that's his life. It's not yours. So I'm with you. I find it a little weird that he's letting his ex-wife and her new husband who she cheated on him with and who used to be as best friend. 

[00:17:38] Geez. Gabe, that's a movie idea there for you in there. 

[00:17:41] A horror story. 

[00:17:42] Exactly. He's letting them use his cabin and staying there together, but okay. Who knows? Maybe it's all water under the bridge and they're just one of those like super cool and evolved families who want to stay friends, so your nephew has a good childhood. I don't want to judge, but it does seem a little strange and that your parents are super generous too. You guys are very lucky to have parents like that.

[00:18:03] You know, your family sounds awesome but people like that can also be a great mark for a grubby manipulative ex who still wants to ride jet skis on your lakefront property and go hunting on her ex-husband's land, even though she's not really a part of your family anymore. And for reasons that are pretty sketchy for that matter.

[00:18:21] So my advice is, keep an eye on this woman. If you ever feel that you're being taken advantage of, speak up, draw a boundary. That's absolutely okay. And maybe ask your brother if he feels like he's being manipulated or taken advantage of in any way. And if he's like, "Oh yeah, actually I do. I just don't know how to stand up to her." Then maybe you can encourage him to do that. Again, though, it's his life. He can manage it however he wants. And it's more complicated for him because he has a child with this woman. 

[00:18:49] Beyond that I say, enjoy your new home. Sounds pretty great. You don't owe your ex sister-in-law anything. I wouldn't want that person in my house for a week either, but since you're still tied together through your nephew, I just wouldn't create a conflict that doesn't need to be there. Be diplomatic. Don't give her any more ammunition and try to keep the door open to your nephew, literally and figuratively. Good luck. 

[00:19:09] Gangster Johnny: I'm gonna to give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pop your guts full of lead, one, two, 10. [Gun shots] Keep the change your filthy animal. 

[00:19:26] Jordan Harbinger: All right. What's next? 

[00:19:28] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hi, Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 26-year-old woman early in my career at a large tech company and doing relatively well in life. I have great friends, a loving family, and a wonderful boyfriend, but I'm majorly struggling with confidence. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder I've suffered from for the past six years. And I grew up with a narcissistic/sociopathic parent who got a lot of joy out of putting me and my siblings down as kids. I've been in therapy for almost 15 years, working through all of this. And I'm mentally stable, all things considered. Despite having worked through most of my trauma and being in recovery, I still can't find a shred of self-esteem or confidence in me. It affects all areas of my life, how I show up at work and in my relationships, how I grow in my career, my ability to be authentic, even my ability just to feel comfortable in my own skin. I've tried researching how to build confidence, but all I can find is cheesy jargon and unhelpful articles. I'm feeling hopeless and I'm really in need of some direction. I'm beginning to feel like this lack of confidence is significantly holding me back from achieving the things that I want. So how does one build confidence? I mean, real authentic confidence. Are there actionable steps I can take to build it? Or are people either born with it or just faking it? What should I be reading or listening to work on this? Signed, Screaming for Self-Esteem.

[00:20:52] Jordan Harbinger: Well, first of all, thank you for sharing this with us. It's funny. We usually don't take, how do I get more confident questions on the show because A, listening to a couple of strangers on a podcast tell you how to be more confident is incredibly annoying and usually not helpful whatsoever. 

[00:21:07] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right.

[00:21:07] Jordan Harbinger: And B, confidence is one of those qualities that you can't really work on directly. It's more of the product of working on other qualities, mindsets, beliefs, all of that. And you're right. The stuff online about how to build confidence is mostly cheesy jargon and vague bromides. But we were moved to take your question because we hear how urgent this is. You've been through a lot. You want to do better. And I think tons of people listening right now can relate to how you're feeling. 

[00:21:33] So here's the deal. I can't make you confident in eight minutes on a podcast. It's not possible. Nobody can, but I do have a couple of things to share that might help. First of all, it sounds to me like you've done a ton of work and growth and you should be really proud of that after going through a difficult childhood and wrestling with an eating disorder, the fact that you're healthy and surrounded by so many great people and holding down a great job and you're mentally stable. That's a huge accomplishment.

[00:21:59] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. 

[00:21:59] Jordan Harbinger: You should be really proud of that. Seriously, take a moment to take stock of what a big deal that actually is. Building confidence is a lifelong thing. It really is a process. And you working on the trauma, going to therapy, rewriting the inheritance of this childhood you had, that's exactly what you should be doing. And given that I do wonder if you're actually working with more confidence than you think. Not to mention a hell of a lot of resilience, which is a crucial aspect of true confidence. I know you want to be more confident, but there's a deeper kind of confidence that only comes from going through serious adversity, which you have. 

[00:22:35] Only people who have suffered in some way and worked through that suffering and survive, only those people have that authentic depth. So again, take a moment to recognize that you wouldn't have gotten to this point if you didn't have reserves of confidence that you might be overlooking. All that said, what are the most powerful ways to be confident in my view, and this might seem counterintuitive, but hear me out is to accept yourself fully as you are right now. I know it sounds cheesy, but look, first of all, we all have to do that no matter where we are in our lives. There's no getting better without first acknowledging that this is where you are right now. 

[00:23:11] But more importantly, the very act of self-acceptance of owning who you are, what you're bringing to the table. That is confidence because the second you think, "Man, I wish I were more secure, funny, charming," whatever it is, or, "I wish I weren't so shy, quiet, uncertain," insert negative quality here. You're already leading with that lack of confidence and you're feeding it. Then you're showing up to situations with that mindset, a mindset of lack of self-consciousness, of imposterism or whatever it is.

[00:23:42] And that doesn't help matters because it's not like fixating on that lack is making you more confident. And I bet that that's contributing to the feeling that you can't be authentic and comfortable in your own skin because you're fixating so much on how you wish you were, that you can't just be who you actually are.

[00:24:01] Now, notice, I'm not telling you to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones, or instead of worrying that you're not confident. Just pretend like you are and the rest will fall into place. That's the sort of scammy nonsense you read online. What I am saying is don't buy too much into these self-concepts either way. Don't fixate on being unconfident. Don't obsess about pretending to be more confident. Just show up as the person you are today. That's it? Because ultimately, no matter what ideas you hold about yourself. That is how you are going to show up. So you might as well remove one huge layer of conflict about it and just own that this is who you are and how you feel right now.

[00:24:40] Once you acknowledge this stuff, it loses a lot of its charge. It loses its power over you, and that's a huge step toward real confidence. And then, you can work on getting more confident. Now, this can be kind of scary at first. It can be uncomfortable. It might even seem threatening to your ego because you've spent a long time trying to hide these parts of yourself and create the illusion of confidence. 

[00:25:04] So you're going to have to try this out for a while, rewire some programming, but I think you'll find that it's much more effective and way easier frankly, than what you've been doing up until now. Because hiding your lack of confidence, that is exhausting. 

[00:25:18] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. 

[00:25:18] Jordan Harbinger: But when you shine a light on it, it's not such a big deal anymore. It suddenly becomes endearing. And a lot of times it actually becomes interesting. It's such a weird paradox, but that vulnerability that is confidence. And I know it sounds like some Jedi mind crap, but there it is. And I know you want some more practicals. So we're going to include a bunch of articles and interviews we've done about confidence and impostor syndrome. They're going to be in the show notes for the episode. Definitely recommend checking them out. We have really done a lot on this subject that we could never fit into a question here on Feedback Friday, so have at it. In the meantime, keep putting in the work, keep inviting those parts of yourself to the table, make an effort to own the things you want to overcome and also acknowledge what you've already accomplished. Don't discount that. I love how determined you are. And I know you're going to figure this out. Good luck. 

[00:26:07] You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you need a new perspective on stuff like life, love, work. What to do if two of your bridesmaids get in a fist fight and make you pick sides before your wedding? Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up friday@jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. 

[00:26:34] All right. What's next? 

[00:26:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: Dear Jordan and Gabe, our daughter, a junior in high school, plans to study psychology in college next fall. But my husband and I are trying to steer her away from this major because we want the best ROI for her. Sure, she could spend years getting her doctorate in psychology, but grad schools are hard to get into and getting your doctorate can be very difficult. Not to mention the research hours, licensures, and the competitive job market, which could only lead to low pay. We've shown her all the research that points to STEM degrees, you know, science, technology, engineering, and math, being the wiser choice. But she says that she's interested in psychology because she hates math. We've told her she'll probably be doing some math regardless. I think part of her hesitation about STEM is that she's currently knee deep in a rigorous international baccalaureate schedule. And maybe she thinks STEM would just be work on top of work. We plan to pay for her college, but we want the four+plus years of incredibly pricey education to provide a lucrative and stable career. It's great to pursue something that interests you, but you still got to pay the bills. So how do we convince her to pursue a certain career path that will bring her employment and stability? And how do you encourage a reluctant teen to do a STEM major? Signed, Cutting This Off at the Stem. 

[00:27:51] Jordan Harbinger: Well, I can certainly appreciate where you're coming from here. You want your daughter to succeed? You want her to make good money. You want to make sure that college tuition has a good ROI. These are all smart concerns for a parent to have, but I actually think you're missing something essential here, which is what your daughter wants, which she's excited about. You're trying to force her into a major she's not interested in because on paper it'll make her more money. And that is a recipe for a lot of frustration and unhappiness. If she's telling you, she doesn't like math. She's not interested in chemistry or coding or whatever and she's actually passionate about psychology. I would listen to her. I would take her seriously enough as a person to accept that her interests lie elsewhere, whether it's psychology or something else. Now, does that mean you're wrong that psychology can be a tough road? Probably not. There are risks with any degree, maybe the risks are slightly higher with certain social sciences, but my advice rather than steer her away from a degree you don't like, I would empower her to pursue the one she likes as ambitiously and responsibly as possible. 

[00:28:54] So, if she's going to go major in psychology, then I would encourage her to find the best professors in the department. Take all of their courses, offer to help them with their research. Find a couple of killer internships or lab positions during the summers. Shadow a psychologist, or two. Find out what this field is really like. Show her how to make her relationships a priority. Get to know her peers and other top practitioners in the field. Build some bridges early on. And if she needs to get a sidey or a PhD to succeed, then encourage her to work her butt off, to put together a killer resume, study for the GRE in advance, start doing her homework on which jobs and areas of practice are the most fulfilling, the most lucrative. That's how you can make sure that her psych degree has a high ROI, not by convincing her that it's too risky or a waste of time, but by helping her manage that risk and make the most of it. 

[00:29:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. Because the truth is a college degree is mostly what you make of it. And there are tons of unemployed or unhappily employed STEM majors that I can promise you. And there are English majors making seven figures at Goldman Sachs. I probably could have been one of them if I didn't have dreams. 

[00:30:00] By the way, Jordan, we should talk about a raise. 

[00:30:02] Jordan Harbinger: Sorry, bro. I got dreams too. 

[00:30:05] Gabriel Mizrahi: Fair enough. 

[00:30:07] My point is people who succeed. They don't succeed because they took OCCAM or because they know how to code PHP. They succeed because they're passionate, they're focused, they're creative. They're putting in the work in their degrees and around their degrees. That's what you should be teaching your daughter. And if you push her to major in computer science, because. It's going to help you sleep better at night. I think you'll also be putting your fears above your daughter's interests, which again, I'm with Jordan.

[00:30:33] I can appreciate why you feel the impulse to do that as a parent, but that's also kind of sad, right? You don't want to make your daughter do something she's not suited to for your benefit. And that's how kids end up frustrated, resentful, oftentimes disillusioned plus there's no guarantee that she's really going to thrive in one of these STEM majors, if it's not actually up her alley. And if she doesn't thrive in, she probably won't make all of that hypothetical money you're actually hoping for. 

[00:30:57] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly, but also she doesn't even have to choose a major right now. 

[00:31:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. 

[00:31:01] Jordan Harbinger: She has like two years to do that. 

[00:31:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. 

[00:31:03] Jordan Harbinger: And choosing what to do with the rest of your life when you're 16, 17, especially when we know that kids' brains aren't even fully formed until they're about 25. That means you're asking a person to choose a life and a career right now without the requisite experience or background and to choose that life and career for a different person that they don't even know because that person doesn't exist yet. That is an impossibly tall order for anyone, let alone a kid who hasn't even set foot on campus.

[00:31:30] Gabriel Mizrahi: That's another great point. So the best thing you can do is sit down with your daughter and talk this out. I would use your concerns to come up with a great plan. You know, grad schools are hard to get into, the job market is competitive. Fine, those are facts. So what can she be doing starting now to maximize her chances? Getting your doctorate is tough, right? That's always going to be tough. So how is your daughter going to take that challenge on? Research hours, licensures, yes, that is a lot to handle. So make sure your daughter has a clear understanding of what's in store for her if she pursues this field, make sure that she's really willing to take that on. Because your fears about these major, they don't automatically mean that they're about choice, but I would think of it more like your fears are good information that can help your daughter succeed even more if you guys use them the right way. 

[00:32:18] Jordan Harbinger: I agree, a hundred percent, Gabe. And if you talk this out with your daughter and she realizes she doesn't want to do psych, that's cool too. But then I would help her find something that she's even more excited about because you can't crush it in a field you don't love, or you aren't suited to. That's just a fact, but you can crush it in a field that on average pays less if you are one of the people who performs at a high level. That's the approach you want your daughter to take. So good luck.

[00:32:44] You know, who won't take your intellectual joy and mercilessly crush it under the heavy boot of ice, cold grownup reality? The products and services that support this show. We'll be right back.

[00:32:55] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. 

[00:33:00] This episode is sponsored in part by Better Help online therapy. You know what? I didn't know this, but I also, when I was stressed out, I was grinding my teeth. I would get headaches. I had some digestive stuff going on. Those are indicators of stress and most people don't even know that. I certainly didn't. Doomscrolling, never sleeping, always sleeping, under-eating, overeating. When I was stressed out, my body was going crazy. I knew I was stressed, but I didn't know. All this stuff was related. It seems obvious in retrospect, but hey, when you can't read the label from inside the jail. And stress really does show up in all kinds of ways. And in a world that is telling you to do more, sleep less, grind all the time, get up early as hell. Here's your reminder to take care of yourself and actually do less, maybe try some therapy for goodness sake. When I tried therapy, I did it at the recommendation of a friend. I thought it was going to be a huge waste of time and it turned out to be my oasis of sanity in a crazy world. Better Help is online therapy that offers video, phone, even live chat sessions with your therapist in the convenience of your own home. Don't drive across town and find parking to sit on someone else's couch. Sit on your own damn couch. And rather than waiting to get booked with therapists, get matched with a Better Help therapist in under 48 hours. I'm all about that instant gratification, even when it comes to therapy. And look, if your therapist is annoying you, that's fine. You can switch. No problem, no charge. Over two million people have tried Better Help online therapy. Why not check it out? 

[00:34:16] Jen Harbinger: Our listeners get 10 percent off your first month at betterhelp.com/jordan. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com/jordan. 

[00:34:25] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by Into the Impossible podcast hosted by my buddy professor Brian Keating. The average podcast listener has six shows in rotation. You're most likely not only listening to The Jordan Harbinger Show, I suppose. That's okay. You can add Into the Impossible podcast as a new one to binge on this week. Host Brian Keating, professor of physics at UC San Diego covers consciousness to aliens in the galaxy, the Big Bang, God versus science, much more. He's hosted 11 Nobel prize winners for billionaires and five astronauts, including one while she was live aboard the International Space Station, traveling 1700 miles per hour. I don't know how you handle that logistically, but amazing. I can't even get my own Internet to work. Brian gets guests to open up and share their vulnerable side all with his signature blend of humor and full on geekery that you will find irresistable. Brian Keating's even been a guest on my own show, episode 347. He's become quite a unique voice to humanize and make relevant some of the most important topics of our time. So you won't go wrong with adding Into the Impossible into your rotation. It's consistently fascinating. You want to binge on the back catalog. Search for Into the Impossible podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. 

[00:35:30] By the way, you can now rate the show if you're on Spotify, this is a big help. Just search for us in Spotify and click those three dots on the upper right to rate the show. 

[00:35:37] And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. 

[00:35:42] All right, what's next? 

[00:35:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe, three years ago, I quit my stable well-paying job to open a coffee franchise with my godparent, a quite successful businessman. I was 23 at the time and he pitched it to me as a mentorship opportunity. I made it clear to him that all I was able to bring to the table was my business degree, a great work ethic, and a willingness to learn everything I could. And in the year and a half, we worked together. We opened two shops that are still thriving today. Shortly after getting settled, though, I realized that what he actually wanted was a young person he could underpay and bark orders ad without being questioned. During our first meeting, for example, he passed me a document titled, things to get done in the next 30 days. He got up from the table and told me we would meet again at the end of the month. Over the following year, he became increasingly frustrated and resentful that I needed more guidance than he had anticipated. On top of starting a business during a global pandemic with zero experience, I was also a nanny to his five children and even did home remodeling projects for him at his request. To say I was taken advantage of would be an understatement, but I take responsibility for allowing another person to walk all over me. By the time I decided to quit, leaving things on a positive note wasn't an option. I was respectful and professional, but I made it clear that I couldn't continue due to our relationship. He didn't allow me to say goodbye to my employees. And he even shorted my last paycheck, which I desperately needed. He never thanked me or gave me any credit. I walked away with nothing and with a big hit to my mental health and my finances. I'm now the top salesperson at the company I work for and earning more than I ever have, but I feel zero passion towards my professional life after this experience. I used to set high goals for myself and have the confidence to go after things and take risks. I'm proud of myself for the progress I've made on healing and setting hard boundaries with people. But honestly, I feel completely lost. How do I build back my self-trust and find a direction that will get me feeling passionate about my future again? Signed, Marooned by This Wound. 

[00:37:41] Jordan Harbinger: Bud, I'm really sorry things went down this way. You've been through the ringer here. This is one of those life-defining mistakes/challenges. And I can hear what a toll it's taken on your confidence, your motivation. On the upside, it sounds like you've grown a ton from this experience. You're setting boundaries. You're probably avoiding other personalities like this guy who's stuck to you. You're feeling better and that's fantastic, seriously. Like that's the gift of going through a sh*t storm like this, and to learn those lessons at such a young age, frankly, it's even better. So it sounds to me like what you're dealing with is some residual disillusionment after working for this guy. And toxic partners, narcissistic bosses, they'll do that to you.

[00:38:21] It's very demoralizing to be treated like crap, to be taken advantage of and not recognized for your great work. It makes you feel like a pawn. It sucks the fun out of pursuing a goal, it kind of makes you worry that other people will do the same thing to you in the future. There's a low-key post-traumatic response buried in there somewhere, and I get it, but you can't change the past. The only thing you can do is find meaning from what happened, which you're already doing. And I'm super proud of you for that and decide how you want to show up differently from now on. 

[00:38:51] Now, you say you feel lost, that you don't feel passionate, maybe that's because of what this guy did to you, or maybe it's because you haven't found the next thing you actually care about. So you feel lost and passionless, and you think it's entirely about this guy, but it's just that you're between things. And the brain likes to do that sometimes. Link up to things that might not be informing on each other, or maybe it's a little bit of both, probably both. So when you find yourself feeling like you can't trust yourself anymore, I would really explore that feeling.

[00:39:18] Are you feeling that way because you don't trust your judgment of people? Then go back to what you've learned, the signs and signals and personalities that you know to pay attention to now, the behaviors and templates that you know you need to check as soon as they pop up and realize that you are better prepared to take things on now. Then when you take on your next goal, you'll prove to yourself that you can trust yourself, that you can get excited again, and you'll see it in action, which is the best way to rebuild that self-trust. But that doesn't just happen in your head. 

[00:39:49] Conceptual self-trust, what is that? It's just a nice idea. You have to act, you have to do things and approach them in a new way and prove to yourself that things really are different now, which takes a little faith and courage on your part but it really is the only way. On a more practical level, your other job is to explore and stay open to the things you really care about. Your best bet is to take small steps towards the things you find inherently interesting. Play around with some small projects, the smaller, the better. Book calls with people you trust or admire. Get their take, talk this out. Explore some new ideas, new problems, new roles. Collaborate with people who are open, supportive, and empowering. Let those opportunities and conversations show you the path forward. You don't need to have every move plotted out in advance. 

[00:40:35] We're also going to link to a ton of good articles and episodes for you to listen to right now, in the show notes, including a Feedback Friday episode, where we talked to a woman who is struggling to be a high achiever again, after experiencing some pretty major trauma. Your stories are different, but a lot of the feelings are the same. So definitely check that out, episode 559. It's the very first question on that episode. Start exploring that concept of post-traumatic growth, because I think that's what's happening with you too. 

[00:41:01] So, hang in there, the motivation and outlook you want, it's more about how you show up to your life and your goals. I know it was painful to be jerked around by this guy, but the upside is that you got an incredible firsthand lesson that most people never get. And that will save you so much drama down the road. Trust me. Wishing you the best. 

[00:41:20] All right. Next up. 

[00:41:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hello, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a half Taiwanese-American and my wife of nine years is from Ukraine. Her entire family is in Chernihiv, Ukraine, which has been experiencing fierce fighting for the past week. Her family has had to separate because their homes were damaged or destroyed, but they're stuck in the city due to the fighting and the landmines that have been distributed around the city. 

[00:41:42] Jordan Harbinger: Wow. 

[00:41:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: My wife is an incredibly strong driven woman, but I see how this is wearing her down. She's glued to Ukrainian news and social media and is trying to do everything she can to stay informed and help her family as best she can. I've subscribed to the city's telegram app and we're relaying information as best we can to them. But that means we see every air raid alert they receive. We hear about every warning they receive and we're seeing all the damage that's being done to their city. We're balancing this crisis, our jobs, and our children. We're not getting a lot of sleep and we're dreading what comes every hour. I'm really at a loss as to what to do and how to help. My wife goes back and forth between feeling hopeful and feeling hopeless. And I worry about what this will do to my family, regardless of the outcome of the war. So my question is how can I best support my wife in her time of need? Also, there are many ways to help right now, but I think the best way is to directly support Ukraine's military. I know it's unusual to donate directly to a military organization and charity organizations do important work, but it will not matter if Ukraine loses this fight. If Ukraine falls, the Ukrainian people will suffer and die under a despot. I feel it's urgent to show support for the men and women fighting against an unjust, unprovoked, and unscrupulous attack on life, liberty, and love. Do you agree? Thank you very much for everything you do and being a light of sanity and positivity. Signed, A War Refugee by Proxy.

[00:43:07] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, this is really tough. We've been talking a lot lately about how tragic the situation is in Ukraine for Ukrainians, of course, but we forget how many millions more are affected from a distance, family members of people living in Ukraine, loved ones, spouses, children, all around the world. I don't know how you can have ties to a war zone and not stay up every night, panicking and losing hope and struggling to focus these conflicts they're horrific.

[00:43:34] So your wife's reaction makes a lot of sense. That said, I do think there are ways to manage that anxiety, that fear. And one of the best ways is to be very deliberate about how, and when you consume the news, I know you guys have to be following it to help your family, but even if you carved out an hour or two every day to just sit together alone without your phones, without the TV on, without your laptops, just ground yourselves a little bit, that'll go a very long way.

[00:44:03] I would also keep focusing on ways that you can help. You're already doing this, and that's amazing, by the way. But as much as you can keep channeling your anxiety and your sadness into productive efforts, so helping your family coordinate, for sure, but also maybe donating to a charity you support, getting other people to support it. Informing friends about the conflict, writing letters to policymakers, maybe writing about you and your wife's experiences as Americans with ties to this conflict for your company or school or your church newsletter, whatever it is. That won't take away all the suffering, of course, but it will give your suffering a different quality. It'll probably help reduce it a little bit because then you won't just be freaking out constantly to no end. You'll be channeling those feelings into something productive. 

[00:44:48] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right. Yeah. This actually reminds me, Jordan, of the question we took a few weeks back from that guy who is suffering from eco anxiety. 

[00:44:55] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. 

[00:44:55] Gabriel Mizrahi: Do you remember that? 

[00:44:55] Jordan Harbinger: Mm-hmm.

[00:44:56] Gabriel Mizrahi: That you just have to take a break and be disciplined about how you consume information you really care about because a constant stream of this stuff will make you miserable. And I understand in this case, it's a little different because your family's involved, you need to be connected, but being disciplined about how and when you consume that news, that is not just putting blinders on, right? Turning a blind eye to what's happening. I think it's recognizing that being constantly plugged into the news cycle right now is not ultimately going to help you work on the situation. So the key question I think is what can you do and what can you do? And then just design your life around those questions.

[00:45:30] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, exactly. It's the exact same principle. As for helping the Ukrainian military directly, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. But they also have a ton of aid. A few episodes ago, I talked about recruiting hackers and defensive cybersecurity professionals to help out with some of this conflict, cyber war in Ukraine, defending systems, strengthening, things like that. So if you know somebody who's a good fit for that contact me. And I'll point you in the right direction for what to look for. Of course, there's a lot of crap out there too, but you know, I've got some leads on that. That's helped a lot of people feel like they're moving in the right direction. 

[00:46:04] And speaking of which, if you're watching what's happening in Ukraine and you don't know how to help, we've pulled a vetted list of organizations that will ensure your donation makes it to the ones who need it the most. Just go to jordanharbinger.com/ukraine, some really great organizations there, and a great way to support Ukraine in its time of need. Thank you in advance for checking that out. 

[00:46:25] Gabe, I do understand what he means though. Like the other day I saw a story pop up on my phone and I didn't want to read it because it was dark and sad. And I was already just like feeling awful about this whole thing. 

[00:46:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: Sure. 

[00:46:38] Jordan Harbinger: I felt selfish for not wanting to read it. And then I was like, "No, it's okay for me to not crack open a Reddit post or a New York Times live update about a conflict. I can serve myself by not mainlining this stuff, 24/7. It's okay. It doesn't make me a bad person for blocking this out for 30 minutes of my life." And I think a lot of people feel that same guilt, which is it's a little bit misplaced. 

[00:47:02] A lot of y'all have been asking, "Hey, I don't trust mainstream media. I don't know which media to trust." Where do you go to find trustworthy information? If you're reading an article, do you want to look at the entire website to check whether the source has a skewed perspective? Nobody's going to take the time to do all that. I totally understand that. It's not that all mainstream media is bad. It's that you're never sure who to trust because even inside the same out. You've got different opinions and even some things that are editorial, almost disguised as reporting and vice versa. So the line between fact and opinion or fact and agenda, they get blurred really, really quickly. 

[00:47:35] Listening to this show, in theory, you want my opinion, but of course you also want the guest to inform you and speak to their opinion. It's obvious on a podcast like this when somebody's voice stops and another person's voice starts, but when something is written, you can't be sure if you've made the switch from reporting to editorial, fact to opinion. And sometimes that's even by design. 

[00:47:54] The other day I was reading an article. It sounded a little weird, but it was just like little things — something was off. So I googled the site and I go to their About page and it's like all this sort of doublespeak. I look the founders up on Wikipedia and it's like a communist magazine, literally just in a far left magazine. If I had been able to see in advance, maybe a little score that this magazine leans extreme left, I don't have to go fact check it and read Wikipedia bios of the freaking founders. I would have known what I was getting into and I would have been able to digest the information much better. 

[00:48:24] Seekr, Seekr Technologies, they launched a search platform to rate web content by employing a fully automated machine learning process. So they give each article a score and that score shows you the quality of the information contained inside. For example, is this article a bunch of ranting and raving and time-wasting? Is it just clickbait designed to get my dad's racquetball buddies all riled up and sharing nonstop? Or is this actually a balanced account of something non-fake that is happening in the real world? 

[00:48:53] I don't know about you, but I want to know that before clicking and before reading the article in the first place. This is doubly true if I'm prepping this show and I've got 30 dang articles to read, anything that helps me sift through the crusty underbelly of the Internet is a major bonus and a time-saver for me. And I love it. It's getting harder to know what information is reliable and what isn't. Misinformation surrounds us. Search engine monopolies, they can slant results. They favor ad revenue over people in data. Surprise, surprise. And social media bubbles, the filter bubble that we've talked about before on the show, they magnify inaccurate content, and then they over rank those in search results. We talked about this with Renee DiResta on this show. That's episode 420, by the way. My only regret is that Seekr has an index, the entire dang Internet already. That would make my life a hell of a lot easier. They are working on it. 

[00:49:41] Thanks to them for making the segment possible. Go to seekr.com to learn how you can make better decisions with access to better information. That's S-E-E-K-R.com. 

[00:49:53] I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much for that. Go back and check out the episodes with Karim Hijazi and Susan Cain if you haven't yet. 

[00:50:02] If you want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage my relationships, using software, systems, and tiny habits. Check out our Six-Minute Networking course, the course is free over on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty and build those relationships before you need them. The drills take just a few minutes a day. Really ignore this stuff at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. It's been crucial for my business and personal life. Again, all for free jordanharbinger.com/course. 

[00:50:33] A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts in the show. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or just connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi. 

[00:50:48] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard. Thanks to Brandon Ruta and Steve Delamater for their help today. And of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own, and yes, I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

[00:51:27] Jillian Jalali: Hi everyone. This is Jillian with Court Junkie. Court Junkie is a true-crime podcast that covers court cases and criminal trials using audio clips and interviews with people close to the cases Court Junkie is available on Apple Podcasts and podcastone.com.