Knowing how to find a mentor is something we’ve covered in-depth on this show, but what advice do we have for those of you who are answering the call and want to know how to be a good mentor? In this Feedback Friday, we’ll try to give this excellent question the answer it deserves.
And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Now let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Why has your spouse stopped calling and writing you from prison? Don’t panic! Here are no less than eight possibilities.
- Should you send an unsolicited text to a professional in your field just because happenstance landed their number in your lap?
- You’ve been house hunting for six months, beaten in acceptance offers three times, and you’re burning out. What’s our advice for keeping your chin up?
- What kind of problems can arise when college-age friends decide to become roommates? Let us count the (potential) ways!
- You want to up your metaphor game from Candy Land to chess. Here’s a strategy to expedite your victorious cry of “checkmate!”
- Your employer wants to start a podcast with you taking lead. How should you intelligently approach the compensation side of negotiation?
- Your significant other’s mother is a paranoid narcissist who is trying to pull you apart. How can you loosen her grip on your beloved?
- Thanks to being a long-time listener, you know how to find a mentor. But how do you ensure you’re a good mentor when people come seeking your help?
- Life Pro Tip: If you want to give your future child a unique or random name, consider making it their middle name.
- Recommendation of the Week: Last Breath
- Quick shout out to The World Wanderer!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at email@example.com!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!
Say It Forward brings top money advisor Rebecca Rothstein with guest hosts Lee Ann Daly and Kim Garner as they go inside the real life stories of fascinating people at the vanguard of art, music, business, pop culture, TV, film, fashion and more. Join them as their guests rewind to the beginning and Say It Forward here on PodcastOne!
Created by Mike Dillard, Self-Made Man is for men who want to achieve greatness, who want to leave their mark on the world, and create a legacy of honor, integrity, and achievement in every aspect of their lives. Check out the Self-Made Man podcast here!
Resources from This Episode:
- Eric Schmidt | How a Coach Can Bring out the Best in You, TJHS 201
- Shane Snow | Cognitive Self-Defense Against Intellectual Dishonesty, TJHS 202
- If You’re Struggling with Abundance, Try This Instead by Jordan Harbinger
- What I Learned Spending the Day in a Maximum-Security Prison by Jordan Harbinger
- 5 Constructive Ways to Deal With Bad Roommates, Noodle
- 7 Tips for Creating (Poignant) Poetic Metaphors, Power Poetry
- How Do Podcasts Make Money? Here Are 8 Intriguing Ways, Listen Notes
- Joe Navarro | How to Identify and Protect Yourself from Harmful People, TJHS 135
- Better Help
- How to Find a Mentor (And Make the Most of the Relationship) by Jordan Harbinger
- 15 Grave Mistakes To Avoid Making With Your Mentee, Forbes
- Last Breath, Netflix
Transcript for How to Be a Good Mentor | Feedback Friday (Episode 203)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on The Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. This week we had Eric Schmidt, former CEO and executive chairman of Google talking about how executives at billion-dollar companies operate at their best as well as a foray into privacy, the open Internet and how authoritarian regimes and terrorists might misuse technology and it's a little scary coming from a guy who was at the front line of this. He probably has a better view than the president. If you think about this Jason, in terms of cyberattacks. I mean the guy running Google. Like he sees all of this stuff happening and he's also on the national security board for stuff like this because it's probably him and a few other folks who can see all this stuff, so it's a little scary.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:55] He sees everything.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:56] Yeah, everything.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:00:58] And I'm not talking, I'm not talking just cybersecurity. He sees everything.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:02] Yes. He's got the eye of Sauron up there in that secret conference room where we did the interview. If you're watching it on YouTube, that conference room is literally a secret conference room. It's not like it's top-secret, but it's not available to other employees at Google. It's not available to just go in there and chill. It's a totally private floor that basically when he runs board meetings and stuff, that's where they are. So that was kind of cool. And we also had Shane Snow talking about intellectual dishonesty and how to spot it when people use these weird little psychological tricks against us to try to prove their point. We see it a lot on television from pundits and politicians. This episode is a great primer on cognitive self-defense. It's a term I've coined that I'm pretty stoked about it. I’ll pat myself on the back there. I think you'll really enjoy that episode.
[00:01:50] I also write every so often on the blog, the latest post is about how to be generous and this word sucks, but abundant even if you feel competitive. In other words, how do you essentially force yourself into the mindset that helping others, making introductions, offering value, et cetera, is good for you and it is by the way, especially long term? You do that even when you're actually at this moment trying to make sure that you yourself have enough and this can be a trap a lot of us fall into, especially in our careers and we've got a fix for that. So this is a very important shift you have to make. It took me years to do it. I've got the hack, it's in that article at jordanharbinger.com/articles. So make sure you've had a look and/to listen to all that we produced for you this week.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:29] Of course our primary mission is always to pass along experience and insight to you. So the real purpose of the show, in general, is to have conversations with you and that's what we do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us on firstname.lastname@example.org and we will sometimes begin to get to your question and answer it on the air. As always, we've got some fun ones and some doozies so I can't wait to dive in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag here?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:55] Hi, guys. Why has my husband stopped calling and writing me from prison? Sincerely, All Quiet on The Married Front.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:03] So we had to redact some details here. That's why it's a one-line question. But we, there wasn't a whole lot we could not redact because it was all like here's all this personal information that's going to be readily identifiable. But anyway, so I know you're not going to like this answer but there's no way really to know for sure why. And I asked some folks about this who are in the incarceration games, so to speak. And there are a few possibilities that we can think of. They do vary in likelihood, depending on where he's located, what level of custody he's in, his particular personality and affliction, the amount of money he had in his commissary account, et cetera. So the scariest one, of course, is that something happened on the inside, an assault or worse. And he's unable to call because the prison is locked down. Doesn't mean he's been killed or anything. He just means the prison could be on lockdown, meaning no rec time. All inmates are confined to their cells all day. That actually happens quite a bit. When I visited a maximum-security prison a couple of weeks ago, they had just gotten off a two-week lockdown. Can you imagine that, Jason? You're already in prison and now you can't even go outside for two weeks.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:11] That's crazy.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:12] Yeah. No library, no gym, no yard, nothing.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:15] Yeah, that would just be way too much.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:17] Yeah. It's basically one of the only punishments you can do. So they do it when there's like a riot or when somebody gets stabbed and I asked why they were on lockdown. The answer was somebody got killed.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:25] That'll do it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:26] That'll do it. And the second reason is he could be on the loss of privileges or maybe even in solitary, maybe had a run-in with a little disciplinary, you know, gotten a flight or was just near it and got busted for just being near that stuff. That happens a lot in prison. You know, you're hanging out with somebody at a table, they get into a fight and they're just like, “All right everybody who's sitting there is in trouble now.” It sucks because it's like school but worse because you ended up in solitary.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:49] Worst cafeteria lunch ever.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:51] Yeah. Yeah. Real bad. And three, he could be out of money in his phone account. If you're just out of money, you often can't call out. You can call collect. But then he would try to do that theoretically. Four, maybe and I hope this isn't the case, but maybe he's developed or resumed a drug addiction and he could be out of money. He could've traded and this happens all the time, traded his pens, stamps, envelopes, paper for drugs. That does happen quite a bit. He could also be just depressed and he's in prison. It's a miserable place to be. It's horrible. And when you try to think -- this one actually surprised me, Jason -- when you try to think of things that you're going to write home about if you're depressed, what it does and you may have been all too aware of this, it just makes you think about how miserable you are because you're trying to think of anything to write and all you can think of is how much you hate your life right now.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:41] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:42] So you don't want to go, “Huh, let me sit down and write a letter,” because it makes you think about all these things and you're just kind of like trying to get out of bed and get through the day.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:50] Yeah, it exacerbates things.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:51] Yeah. And you know someone's going to go, “How are you doing?” And you're just going to have to lie or go through this litany of how horrible it is. And so some people just opt out until they get over it. The other reason is, could be, hey, if you've stopped writing to him, maybe he's like, “Well, I want to see if she still cares.” That's possible. Doesn’t sound like that's what's going on here? Another one that could have happened and you would know this better, he could have become affiliated with a gang. And I know that a lot of this stuff, this is third-hand info from me, but what I've heard is that they can detach themselves from family if their family isn't also involved with the gang. So they kind of have to do that. It's not great, of course, because it means that there's going to be a rift between you guys, but also it might be what's keeping them safe in there. So it's not that you're never going to hear from them again. It's just that maybe he's keeping certain things on the low. So I don't, I don't really know much more about that. He might also just be writing to you in the mail is really slow for whatever reason. There could be new mail and a property officer that doesn't like your husband. They could be extremely disorganized. There's no surprise if that happens, especially private ones, can just not give an F about anything. And that's all that we really got.
[00:07:06] The good news is that since you're his wife, you're actually legally entitled to know what's going on with him. So call the prison, bug the guards about it. They're going to put you on hold, they're going to pass you around. They might give you the runaround, but if you're polite and you're persistent, you'll get ahold of that one guard who decides, “You know what, I'm going to just take a little bit of my lunch here and dig through the files and find what we have on your husband.” And if they don't have anything on him, that means probably it's not on lockdown, probably he's not in solitary, et cetera. So you can kind of get a feel for, for what's going on there. Best of luck. It's got to be just some miserable situation and I really feel for you, so hopefully you'll hear from them soon. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:46] Hey, J, J, and J. One of my friends met a writer of a major TV show and got his number. The tricky part is the writer was giving something away via Craigslist, so my friend had an insanely quick interaction with him. He didn't even get his name. I'm a huge fan of this show and would love to contact the writer, but I've been trying to figure out the best text to send. On one hand, I know it's very invasive to send a text to someone's personal number without meeting them. On the other hand, it could turn out to be an amazing opportunity. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks. Warmest regards, To Text or Not To Text.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:22] Cool. There's no way to do this without seeming insane, right?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:25] No, you can't do it. Don't do it ever, ever.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:30] Right. I mean like I'm trying to think of any way in which somebody would have gotten my phone number, but not from me or from my wife. And it's not just freaking super shady and weird.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:41] Any interaction that you're going to have with this guy is going to creep him the hell out because it's like, “Oh, okay.” Well, I mean, granted, he might just, you know, delete it. He might get these things all the time when people find this stuff, but the thing is this is a guy on a major show and you want to get into the business of being around people who are on major TV shows. This is the absolute worst way to do it because what can happen is, yeah, you make contact, he finds out who you are, gets your name, you're now on a list, you're blackballed. Now, you have to move home, live with your parents because you're never going to make it in Hollywood. That is probably a 50/50 shot of what's going to happen right there. I mean, you have a, I would say like it was a 0.0001 percent of that text going through and him being in a great mood going, “Oh, Hey, I'll answer this text. Who's this? I don't know. Oh, Oh, you want to come on my TV show? Great.” Yeah. That's just not going to happen. You're more likely to win the lottery.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:39] That's a really good tip because I really think that -- again, look, if you met producer Jason and we'd gone to college together. You still wouldn't give that person my phone number.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:52] Right.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:52] Right. You'd like email him. He answers his email and I give your phone number to a really close friend of mine, like husband and you were like, “Hey, you know, FYI, don't do that.” And I was like, “Oh, it didn't even occur to me, but it still -- “ He’s like, “Oh yeah, I should have like, you know, asked about that. I thought you guys had another arrangement, but it turned out to just be kind of like not really the case.” And so it just ends up creepy. And if it happened to me, I would never engage that person because you're rewarding that behavior. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, “Oh, he's going to be like, ‘Dang bro, you got so much hustle. You got my phone number and now you're getting -- ‘”
Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:28] No, no. This is like somebody showing up in your kitchen without pants going. Can I have a pancake?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:33] Right, yeah, there like outside -- we were talking to Reid Hoffman. We have an episode coming up with Reid Hoffman, founder of LinkedIn, partner at Greylock. And I asked him good and bad ways to get a hold of him and he's like, “Best way, warm introduction.” Worst way, he's like, “There are people that wait in the Greylock Partners parking lot and they just wait for me to get out of my car. And they're like, ‘Reid.’” And he's like, “Oh my God.” This guy has two billion dollars. You think he wants to get accosted in a parking lot? You have no idea what's going to happen when someone comes up to you in a parking lot.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:07] Especially billionaires sometimes have security, which you know a lot about Jordan because you helped train these guys. You know, you don't want to go, “Reid,” and then he goes “Security,” and then like seven ex-Mossad agents come and just throw you in a trunk. And take you out to the desert and go, ”What do you want?”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:23] Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Think about this. Anybody who's well known and maybe not a Hollywood writer per se, but anybody who's really well known has had way more scary interactions with people that are anonymous of this type, not just via email and Twitter or whatever, but any interaction that happens in person that's unexpected and slightly inappropriate, 90 percent chance it's not going to be positive. That goes double for females. So if you're sending someone a cold text, it's just inappropriate. They're going to go, “This person doesn't know social skills and is desperate. I don't want any part of it.” You're not going to get an answer, but they're going to figure out who you are and be like, “Nope.” And put you on their list of never getting into Warner Bros. Studio lot or whatever. This is not how you do it and I'll leave it with this. Gary Vaynerchuk, who I've known for, I don’t know for like 13 years now or something crazy. I got a text from a friend of mine that said, “Hey, I just got a notification that Gary V had signed up for a beta of some app,” and she was also in the beta of this app. And she goes, “The problem with the beta is it shows everyone's phone numbers when they login to the beta.” Huge privacy hole. So she ended up with Gary V's cell phone number and she's like, “What do I want to do? What do I do with this?” Of course, I'd love to be in touch with Gary Vee and I said, “What you do is you say, ‘Hey Gary, here's a screenshot, your phone numbers visible in this app. I will never bug you again. But I just thought you would want to know.’” And that's what she did. And now he's like, “Thank you.” But he doesn't go, “Text me anytime.” He's like, “Thank you.” And he probably uninstalled the app right away and yelled at the people who created it. You should never abuse it. And if you see a security hole like that, you should, you should always, always try to help people. Plug it up. Now, you can't say anything because he didn't give you the number. He gave it to your friend, but honestly--
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:20] Over Craigslist to get some crap out of his apartment which is not a warm intro. This is like an ice age intro. It's an anti-intro.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:31] This could blow up in your face. Honestly, also people use Google voice when you're on Craigslist, famous or not. Do not use your phone number.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:39] Yeah, Google voice is a totally legit option to use for that because you can just get a number, it's disconnected from you and you can just get calls or texts to it, and nobody knows who you are and it doesn't give out your regular number and then you can just delete the number when you're done.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:53] Exactly, right, or you can just keep it as your sort of number that you use for weird random stuff like this. There are also prepaid phone cards that you can get that are like 20 bucks at gas stations and drug stores.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:06] Skype in numbers as well. You can do that and you can recycle those when you're done. There are so many options. Just never give out your cell phone.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:13] So point well received I think.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:15] I think that horse is well and truly dead.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:17] It is. Look, I get that you want to reach out to him. What you can do is find out where these people sort of network and when they're at events and things like that, do not misuse this connection. It won't work. If you want to network with people, you have to do warm introductions if you want to hack the process, otherwise do it through cold. If you want to find out people that he knows, great. But yeah, this is not the way to do it. All right, next step.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:45] Hi, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. My fantastic girlfriend and I are first time buyers and had been looking for a property to purchase in the UK for going on six months now. We've been to almost 20 viewings and searching online daily. We've been beaten by acceptance offers three times now. It feels as though we can't catch a break. We're burning out and I believe we need to take a step back to appreciate where we are now and take the focus off constantly looking for a property in order to recharge. What are your thoughts and do you have any tips? All the best. Burned Out Buyer.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:15] Buying a house is quite tough. I think everyone who's ever done it will tell you that and I'm not sure about you, but where I live, the market is due for a decline any minute now. So I feel you, you can take a break. There are always properties on the market. That's what's important to remember. Those properties aren't going anywhere. Yes, there are housing shortages in some places, but often that's due to the fact that everything is overpriced. Not like there just aren't any, unless you live in Shanghai or something crazy like that. Right? Moscow, I guess or whatever. Take a break and enjoy the process of looking. The key here is not to get excited about any particular property or not to get too excited about any particular property. Use your rationalization faculties against yourself.
[00:15:58] So when Jen and I were shopping for a house, we went to this community called Pacifica. It's just South of San Francisco and it's like right on the water and the house overlooked Pacifica, the downtown area. We had crazy like 270-degree or whatever ocean views. It was just nuts. We are far from the ocean. So we had this huge elevated look and it was just awesome. And we put in an offer and then somebody paid all cash and paid like 200,000 above asking because that's what's happening in our market because of all the Chinese money, especially in the tech money out here. So that was really disappointing. And then we were like, “Oh no, what are we going to do?” And then we realized, “Oh, it's usually foggy here. We just went on a really nice day. Eh, It's cloudy here anyway, Eh, we didn't really like the basement. Eh, I really didn't have a nice driveway.” Like you just use all the negatives and you kind of go sour grapes.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:49] I was going to say that’s mighty sour grapes of you right there.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:53] It is.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:53] I didn't want it anyway.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:54] Yeah, I didn't want it anyway.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:56] Right. But normally that's bad, but it's good for you here because then you'll just go screw it. Otherwise, you're going but that house. You'll never get that house. Don't worry, it's taken unless you buy it again when it goes on the market again in 10 years. There's no point. If it's your dream home, build it somewhere else. Or keep an eye on it but otherwise, you're going to find something else that you like as well just as well. Also, new construction often has better pricing, so find it new developments in your area if there are any. And then get in line for those places. The first day of the open house at like 6:00 a.m. That's how we got the place we live in now. Jen’s dad was in line for this house at 6:00 a.m. and they were doing first come, first serve and we show up and he's like, “You like the house?” I was like, “Yeah.” He's like, “We're ready. We're going to buy this.” And then the problem was we weren't preapproved for a mortgage so we missed it that. Thankfully, the person who got it right after us, they bailed. Something happened, I don't know, whatever. I would recommend getting preapproved for a mortgage right away. Have your deposit liquid, right? Don't say, “Hey look, it's in my retirement account. I got to transfer it. It's going to take three, four or five days.” Most places are cool with that, but some places will be like, “Sorry, you've got to have the deposit within 48 hours.” Or at least a deposit, maybe not the full thing. So make sure you've got a chunk of it so you can go, “Here's my money, put my money where my mouth is. Take this place off the market.” You got to be able to cut a check literally right there in this showing. Like, “Don't show the next person who's here in 15 minutes. I want this place.” That's what you need to be able to do, especially in a market like New York or something. I remember Jason, one time I was in New York. I wasn't buying, I was renting, but I said, “Hey, I need to go to the ATM and get the money for this place.” And she goes, “No problem, no problem.” I went to the ATM and got the money and when I came back, she didn't answer the door. And I called and called and called, she finally answered and was like, “What?” And I was like, “I got the money.” And she goes, “Sorry, I gave it to someone else.” And I was like, “Are you kidding me?” And she's like, “Yeah, somebody came in like 15 minutes after you left and just got it.” I just couldn't believe it.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:59] Well, there are so many people that just say that they're going to do something when it comes to real estate and then just ghost. It's one of those things where you have to have cash in hand, like, you know, shove, shove a big hundreds in your pocket so you can lay it down if you have to, if you're that serious, you have to have that. So many people lie. They're like, “Oh, I'll call you tomorrow and we'll set something up.” No most people ghost.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:21] It was crazy, dude. It was absolutely nuts. That was a lesson for me though in the New York market because I probably took like three hours, I ate lunch. I was like, “I'll be there in a bit.” She's like, “Okay.” And then somebody else is just, you know, and I didn't realize the speed at which that market moved at all. That was a 20-something Jordan folly there. But I get it. Same with buying in many ways. Also try to find off-market properties that are about to sell, get to them before they list. If you find out your friend's neighbor is selling, say, “Hey look, I'm interested, what's the price?” “Cool, let's do this.” They'll save on fees, agents, et cetera. And you can negotiate the price a little bit more easily and that's always good. Of course, there's not like other people breathing down your neck and that really can work, but you have to activate your network on this. You have to say, “We're buying a house. If you see a house for sale and you know the owner, let us know. If you think it's a fit for us, here's our budget, blah blah, blah, blah blah.” Don't tell them to look for for-sale signs. It's too late. Tell them to be like I'm the lookout. “Oh, your neighbor's thinking about selling. Cool, my friends are thinking about buying.” You should see the house before you list it. So be prepared to move quickly.
[00:20:31] And Jen says, “Look, maybe we can offer this guy some encouragement.” Six months, not actually that long to be house hunting. I think we looked for over a year and we had our hearts broken when a few of our offers were beaten. You know, the Pacifica thing. Looking back though, it worked out even better because that house turned out to be overpaid and in an area that was annoying to get to and is foggy like 98 percent of the time. We didn't realize that. The housing market is also cooling off due to the economy slowing down. At least, that's what we're noticing here in the state. So waiting might not be a bad idea either and people always say, “You don't make money when you sell. You make money when you buy.” It's always better to buy nice and low if you can.
[00:21:08] Either way, take a break, realize you're shopping for a huge purchase and you should be proud that you're about to take this step. Sometimes it takes a while. Just like dating. When you view it like dating instead of shopping, it becomes a process -- if you're a healthy dater -- it becomes a process of filtering instead of just getting rejected over and over. If you're doing this right, the process can be a lot easier on you emotionally. So I feel you man, take a break. There's always going to be a house, so I was going to be properties. You're not going to find somebody who doesn't want to sell you a house. That's just not a thing. People are always trying to move. The market's always active.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:46] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:49]. This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.
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Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:40] This episode is also sponsored by luminary.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:42] If you loved How I Built This by Guy Raz, then you'll have to listen to his new podcast called the Wisdom from The Top, which is only available on Luminary. I just listened to the episode with Jorgen Vig Knudstorp, talking about how he brought Lego back from the brink of bankruptcy. It was really a fascinating story and I can’t wait to hear more of these shows and along with Wisdom from The Top, Luminary gives you access to a bunch of other original shows from innovative dynamic creators you can't find anywhere else. The Luminary app is free to download and you can use it to listen to thousands of podcasts, including the ones you already love. All enhanced by an easy to use interface with personalized content recommendations, whether you're in the news and politics, comedy, business and tech or more luminary has the right show for you. If you love podcasts, then you need to check out Luminary. Get your first two months of access to Luminary’s premium content for free when you sign up at luminary.link/jordan. After that, it's $7.99 a month. That's luminary.link/jordan for two months of free access, luminary.link/jordan. Cancel anytime, terms apply.
[00:24:45] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind to please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:59:09] All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:10] Good day, Triple J. Recently, on the GOG podcast -- Deliveroo! -- Jason mentioned he shouldn't be roommates with your friends. I was wondering if you could elaborate on that point. I'm in university and I'm planning to share a house with some friends next year, but nothing concrete yet. We're all men and already living in university-sponsored accommodations like a dorm. If you could share what kind of problems arise due to this arrangement and any steps that could be taken to enable a smooth-running household. Cheers, Down Under Dilemma.
[00:25:40] Here's my take on it. You're still in university. I think you're too young to have the requisite diplomatic skills to make it last long term. There are a lot of things that you just don't know, being so young, even if you were going to be in the state department, as a negotiator for the UN coming out, other people are still the variables. And since you're all young, it means you're all just gross ass animals with different levels of hygiene, personal space requirements, noise level tolerance, scheduling, tolerance, et cetera. And I've done it and it can last for a while, but eventually, you're going to run into the one guy that rubs you all the wrong absolute way and it's just going to fester and grow. And then there's just going to be this kind of seeding hatred that builds over time. And since if you have a lease, it's going to be a problem. That's what I was talking about. And this is when you're young and these are people that you've been friends with for a long time. It doesn't sound like these are people that you've been friends with a long time. They're people that you went to school with. So it might be a different type of arrangement and since you are coming from a dorm, you might have a different level of tolerance but that's what I'm talking about. I was mainly talking about living with like, you know, childhood friends that are like, “Hey, let's move in and let's all get a place. We've been friends for 20 years and now we can party all together.” And that just never seems to work out.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:01] Yeah, there's a lot to this. I've been friends with a bunch of my college roommates. I still am, but they're super responsible people. I was the weakest link in that house, you know, one of them was a doctor or is a doctor. He's, I think, still like specializing and more and more gastroenterology type stuff. Another one became an investment banker, another one works in Washington DC running these huge nonprofits and as an entrepreneur. Then another guy, he lived with his girlfriend almost the entire time. He just sort of kept crap in the room. So it was a little bit easier to get along. And even as adults, you know, I lived in the office back at the old company and we had all these issues with the bathroom, with the kitchen. You all need to set concrete rules. You need to post them and follow them. I hate to say the Sheldon Cooper roommate agreement, but it's kind of like that. For example, do your dishes before you go to bed for the night. If you're watching a movie, cool. You know you want to make some food. You don't want to do the dishes. You want to watch the movie and your girlfriend is there. Cool. Do them before you go to sleep. In the morning, leave the bathroom door unlocked so people can take a freaking piss while you're in the shower. You know, if a guy has a girl sleepover, she can't just go in the bathroom for 45 minutes during rush hour and shower and do her hair, do her make up -- like that's not allowed. You have to be like, “Look, you've got to do your stuff in my room. That's the way it is.” “Oh, you got a shower here. Cool. You got to get up earlier than everyone else.” You got to be really considerate, get an opaque curtain or a door if you need to for the shower. And if someone decides they're not going to follow the rules and make sure you and the other roommates are on the same page when you speak to that person. You don't have to gang up on them all at once, but you need to be a united front. So the one guy who's like, “Oh, I didn't have time to do the dishes because I was on a date.” You know that guy, he needs to know that if someone else has to do his dishes, he owes him 10 or 20 bucks. This way, if someone does his dishes and earns 10 bucks, maybe he's cool with that. And if it happens once, no big deal. But after a while, you become the maid. That's fine. If you're trying to earn some cash, but you better get paid. Otherwise, you're going to end up with a guy who's like leaving his dishes, getting away with it, leaving them for a day, leaving them in the morning, really busy. Then then you end up with my college roommate who cooked something or whose girlfriend cooked something on Friday and now it's Thursday and there's moldy, disgusting stuff and no one's been able to use the sink for six days. I eventually had to say to his girlfriend, “Look, you can't leave the dishes because this guy's never going to do them.” It's pathetic. But that's going to end up driving you guys apart. I am not friends with that particular set of roommates because they were just man-children and all of you are probably man-children in your early 20s. It's just how it is. And look, we did some of this stuff in college. I washed a lot of dishes. I didn't mind at all. I made hundreds of dollars, you know. I had a roommate who's mom paid for everything. Fine. It worked out, but other stuff, it was like, get the shit out of the freezer. I got to use the freezer. You have 800 chicken breasts in the freezer.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:50] My worst one was a Bob Fogarty, our show notes man. I lived with him and our friend, well ex-friend Dave, his foible was, he would go into the refrigerator, take a giant tablespoon, eat a spoonful of mayonnaise and leave the mayonnaise spoon in the sink and by the end of the week they were like seven mayonnaise spoons and he would never wash them. It was the grossest thing ever, not counting the fact that he would go just eat a spoonful of mayonnaise every day. But man, that gets old fast.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:22] That's really gross.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:26] Yup. Fantastic guitarist, horrible with nutrition.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:30] That's really just absolutely disgusting. Really, really gross. Wow.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:35] Yeah. He is no longer in our inner circle.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:37] No, that's vile. Who does that? All right. Well, anyway, next up,
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:43] Dear, J, J and J. Jordan, you always seem to have an uncanny way of making insightful comparisons, aka metaphors between two unrelated subjects or topics. How can I up my metaphor game? Was it a combination of your law training and improv classes that helped you? How did you get to this point in your level of skill? Signed, Smiles Only.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:04] This is a little tricky. I'm not actually sure here. Knowing how things relate to one another as a practice. So my advice to you would be to do it or try to do it with a lot of the things that you see in the moment. So when you see a pot on a stove and you think about it, heating up slowly and then boiling over and spilling everywhere. Think about, okay, this is what happens when you get too much energy, putting too much energy into something or this is when you see too much of a good thing or when something happens too fast and you're not paying attention, this can happen. That kind of thing. Think about that and then sort of bank that. And then when someone says something like, “Man, I'm at work and I'm all enthusiastic, and my manager told me everyone's annoyed at me.” You can think, “Ah, this person's putting too much energy into something and they're boiling over and pissing everyone off.” “So try keeping things at a simmer by paying more attention to the energy you're putting into things at the office.” That kind of thing, you know, that's maybe not the greatest example, but it's a workable one. So you form analogies by thinking about them all the time. And I do it right now in the moment, and it works most of the time, probably because I have a huge catalog of these types of things from my own life and from books. Also, good writers do it a lot. And since I read a lot, I pick these up. And they're also in movies as well. You see scenes like there's water boiling on the stove, and as it heats up, you see the protagonists getting more and more angry. And then finally the crockpot or the pot or whatever explodes and then Jason Bourne sticks a pen into someone's larynx.
[00:32:33] I just remember stuff like this and I bring it into the show because I know that visuals and analogies are common things. The everyday things are an easy way for you all to remember complex concepts and ideas that are presented on the show itself. So I'm always looking for that because otherwise, someone will say some concept in psychology or cognitive bias. And it's like, all right, well I don't really understand what that is. And then you say, “Oh, it's when you think that the lights are turning off because you walk underneath them, but you don't notice the other 10,000 times that week that you walked under lights and they didn't turn off. Confirmation bias.” Everyone remembers that. Everyone knows somebody like that or has had that experience. But not everybody can sort of wrap their mind around an academic concept. So I work on these things a lot to educate people better. And you can easily do this just by looking for analogies every day and then you have a huge catalog of those and then when you need them they're there.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:29] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.
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Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:26] All right, next step.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:27] Jordan, Jason and Jen. Hello. As you and Jason talked about, podcasts should be started as a passion and not for money, but what do I do if my company wants me to host a podcast for them? The company, a major brand in the music space, wants to work with me as a freelancer, hosting, and helping secure guests. We are still finalizing the show idea and they've said nothing about compensation. I have 10-plus years in the industry in a significant reel that includes podcasts, TV, and radio, so doing it for exposure isn't of interest to me. My questions are -- how should I be paid per episode, per season, et cetera? What kind of ownership should I negotiate? And sponsors are being approached by the marketing department, how should I receive a portion? Thanks. Show Me The Podcast Money.
[00:36:15] Oh, this will be a fun one.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:16] Yeah, this is a job, not a passion project, so we can dispense the whole, don't do the show unless you're trying to blah blah, blah like that. That whole thing doesn't apply here.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:24] This is work.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:25] Yeah, this is work. You 100 percent need to be paid and realize that there's almost a certainty that the company will own the show. They'll own the IP, they’ll own the feed. If they don't have a budget and they won't pay you, you can still do it if you want, but you need to negotiate ownership of the IP itself. And I would get paid per episode because otherwise, they could do seasons and they're like, “All right, we want 52 episodes a season, each year.” And then in episode 49, they're like, “Oh yeah, we don't have any resources for this. And the producer quit. And you know, we don't have any guests lined up. We don't have any sponsors. Let's put it, let's put this on hold.” And then you just never get paid. So I would invoice monthly and get paid net 30 at the worst.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:10] At the worst, very, very worst.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:13] Yeah. You should probably get paid net 14 honestly because it's a two-week pay period. You should just get paid like you do as a freelancer.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:20] Yeah. You should get paid by monthly
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:22] And look, they're going to want to own the IP, but if you can own it and control the RSSV that serves the podcast even better, so you should have the login to the host. The host should be in your name. If you're a freelancer, you should pay the hosting bill and you should bill the client for that. That way it's your account, it's your podcast. It's not a work for hire, which means the company owns the work that you create. Also, I would try at least to negotiate a percentage of the ad revenue. That company takes 100 percent or maybe 85 percent if they're paying an agency to get the ads, so you should get a percentage of that percentage because you're going to be responsible for creating and promoting the entire thing. I highly doubt they're going to do much for you. They're going to say, “Yeah, we're going to send this out to all of our people,” unless it's a huge company. You said it's a major brand in the music space, but companies are always, always, always surprised at how little people give a crap about their podcast. So you can have shows that are sponsored by enormous companies and then they'll put a little bit of promo behind it and they think, “Yeah, we just sent this out to 10 million people. It's going to be huge. They get five thousand, thirty thousand subscribers, and then nobody cares and everybody falls off after a while. That's just the nature of the podcast medium. It has to be really sticky. It doesn't matter who's promoting it. It might flash in the pan.
[00:38:40] I would ask for 50 percent of the ad revenue plus a certain amount of cash for each episode. They probably won't give you that, but you never know. Alternately, don't worry about the ad revenue and just get paid more per episode, and bear in mind that ad revenue won't be squat if they mess up this project or they quit. So make sure you're getting paid per episode no matter what to cover your costs at least, and then negotiate or settle for a smaller percentage of ad revenue. What I would also do is get paid per episode and make it nice and healthy. And then when they say, “Hey, can you promote the show?” You say, “Sure, but that comes separately. You don't have to pay me upfront but I'll take a percentage of ad revenue because if I'm going to grow the show, you're going to get more ad revenue as a result and I should get a part of that.” And then they might go, “Eh, nah.” And then they're responsible for promoting it because promoting a show is a huge pain. It is very difficult, especially if you're not well known in this space. So let the company take that over. They're probably not going to think that they need you for that. So wait until they start tripping and going, “Geez, who's going to take the reins on this?” And then you say, “I'll do it, but not for free.” That's what I would do. Jason, do you have any input?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:51] Yeah, I mean, if they want them to be freelance, I'm just going to give him my structure for how I do shows, which is different from yours because you hire me actually.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:00] Right.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:01] I work on shows on an hourly basis. I never work on a per-episode basis because per episode, it's such a variable that you have no way to tell if an episode is going to take you five hours or 50 hours. So over the years, I've learned that just screw it, it's an hourly rate for production, editing, hosting the whole nine yards. Now after the first year, you can put together an average and figure out what that could be per episode, but when you're first starting out, you are going to spend an inordinate amount of time getting this show-up. You're going to be talking about format, you're going to be talking about structure, and they want them to book guests as well. You know how long that takes, Jordan? That was a massive amount of time. So I would say stick to hourly. Find a decent hourly rate for what you're comfortable with. And you know, you guys can do a couple of tests shows, which I also always recommend. Do three shows, throw them away. That'll give you a baseline for what you can expect going forward.
[00:41:05] And when it comes to cut off the ad sales, that's fine. But the problem with that is if you are taking too much of the ad sales, if you negotiate too much of a cut, then they're going to see, “Okay, well the agency takes this much, you take that much, we're not going to put that much into it because it's too much time on our end to manage this entire process.” So they might just even scuttle the entire ad sales and just pay you out of their pocket and you don't get anything from ad sales. So I mean, my guarantee against my nut for the month is I always just go hourly. I don't even take a percentage of a show, especially when it's a show with a corporation like this, it's going to be difficult to even enforce those numbers because you're going to have to get those numbers from the people who are doing the work in the company.
[00:41:53] If this was a solo project with another solo podcaster, I would say take 50 percent of the show upfront period, you split the show down the middle, you're doing all the work. They show up, they record the show with you, you produce it, you edit it, you publish it, and you promote it. That's it. You get 50 percent, they get 50 percent for being the talent done, but since this is a corporation, I would personally go hourly and make it a very nice hourly to just a buffer against all of the pain and suffering you're going to have with starting a podcast inside of a corporation because I'm going to tell you it's not going to be easy.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:28] Yeah, I agree. It sounds like a great opportunity, but that sort of sounds like it comes down to get paid per episode so that when they eventually forget about this and nobody can get off their ass because the left-hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing and nobody wants to do anything without permission. At least you got paid for the project that never saw the light of day.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:46] Exactly. Because are you going to get paid per episode on publish or on delivery or on approval? If it doesn't make it through approvals, do you have to go back and re-edit things? I mean, there are so many variables when it comes to getting paid per episode. That's what scares me. I've tried per episode and I did it for like maybe four episodes for a couple of clients and I'm like, this is just not ROI positive. I ended up making $4 an hour and I'm like, this is just dumb. So stick to your base rate and make it good and healthy because you are going to go above and beyond. I can just guarantee it. I mean thousands of episodes under my belt. I'm just going to tell you that's how it's going to go.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:27] Oh my gosh, that sounds, yeah. Ugh. There's a lot there. It could be a good opportunity, but chances are it's going to get sort of run through the wringer first, so --
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:37] Yeah, it's going to be, it's going to be tough. Working for podcasts for a corporation is not fun.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:42] Because they don't get it. So yeah, get paid per episode and then worry about the rest later if there's even a rest later. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:49] Hey, Triple J. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly nine months and publicly for three months now. She turned 18 a month ago and I'm almost 20 ever since my girlfriend, let's call her Jay told her mom about me. Her mom has been paranoid and quick to assume the worst. Her mom is very controlling and once pushed Jay up against the refrigerator by her neck and said she doesn't want to bitches in the house -- referring to Jay's older sister. Jay talked to a school counselor about the episode and when she did child protective services got involved and talked with her parents. I think any mentally sound parent would take that as a wake-up call, but Jay's mom played the victim and now refers back to it as Jay's stunt. She doesn't believe she's ever the cause of our problems. Her mom doesn't like me. I messaged Jay one time explaining why I don't like going over to her house, being that her and I were so early in our relationship that I didn't want to be thrown into the family in case something happens between us. Her mom decided to take that out of context and said to Jay a while back when I invited her to church. Why would you want to go to church with him when he doesn't want to be thrown into our family? I wouldn't mind if mom didn't like me if she didn't have so much of a grip on Jay. She's taken Jay's phone away multiple times for weeks and read through our texts, accusing us of sneaking around and sending inappropriate messages. We can't text on Snapchat because her mom can see it and we can't call unless her mom and dad are in the room with her. Her dad has told Jay before that he doesn't like how her mom always complains, but then every time he tries to reason with her, she shuts him down because she's always right. I don't want to leave Jay as her and I don't have any problems in our relationship, but these circumstances make it hard to continue. I feel like I've done all that I can to gain her mom's trust, but nothing works. Is there anything I can do to keep this relationship and connection with Jay, whether I have her mom's trust or not, or do I walk away from this relationship and let her mom win? Either way, I know I'll need therapy after this and I'm looking into Better Help with your discount code. Sincerely, Unjustly Accused.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:42] This is a family issue and I feel for you. Mom is having major issues in her life with everyone from the sound of it. It sounds like the father's just henpecked and can't do much in his own house. Mom is chronically insecure, destroying relationships with both daughters from the sound of it. Again, family problem, you can't solve the family dynamic that's been in that house for years. Mom won't take responsibility for any kind of response. She won't do anything. She's just everyone. Everything's always someone else's fault. She's always right. The father just sounds useless and he's just given up. She's 18 now. I actually wonder if you guys are going to go to college or anything because she could consider moving in with friends and sharing a house. Don't move in with her yourself. That is a recipe for disaster at age 18 or 20 she needs to figure this out with her family and you can help by being supportive, emotionally supportive, being there for her, but you're never going to win over Jay's mom because right now you're the scapegoat for everything going wrong between her and Jay. “Oh, my daughter doesn't like me. It's that boy.” “Oh, my daughter's going to leave the house. That's that boy.” “Oh, my daughter's growing up. Oh, she's probably having sex with that boy.” That's what's going on in her head. She's nuts. Okay. She's delusional. There's something else going on here. Any other guy or friend of hers is going to have the same issue. It just sounds like a controlling, abusive relationship frankly.
[00:47:06] I would have Jay and you, if you want to document any abuse by Jay's mom, do it in a written form using a private app. You could put it in a Google app that you control and you could put it in the cloud so that her mom, well it's always in the cloud. If it's Google doc, make it so her mom can't erase it. You might even just give someone common access, either way, it doesn't matter. She can erase the whole document. It's still going to have version history and if she hits her chokes her daughter again, call the police. You've got to call the police. And Jason, what about like secure messaging apps? If she's stealing the phone and reading the messages, shouldn't they maybe get signaled buried in that folder and then rarely use the iMessage or texting app? That way the mom won't know what to look for, right?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:50] Yeah, you can do that, but it's still going to be on the phone and she can force it out of her. What I would do is actually get a cheaper burner phone. You can get a smart burner phone, like go to somebody like Ting where you can pay monthly for just a few bucks a month and get a cheap phone for like 50 bucks and she can have that phone for your communication. Don't use her main phone because her mom knows her main phone. Keep the other phone hidden and just talk on that. That's the way I would do it because you don't want to just bury an app on there and then her mom just might go, you know, bug nutty when she sees it and grab her and like, “What's this?” Then she googles it and she says, “Oh, a secret messaging app.” You know that could, that could really be a trigger for this, this psycho bat shit mom. So I would, I would definitely not do that. I would get another phone and hide that phone.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:36] Yeah, good point. I mean there'll be harder to communicate, but she could just stash it somewhere like at school or work and only use it then or keep it in a private place in her room. You're right, she's going to look over her daughter's shoulder while she's using it and go, “Hey, what app is that?” And then she's going to crack your, your girlfriend like a nut, right?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:58] Yeah, yeah. Don't put it on the phone. That would be a bad thing. But yeah, I mean you can get a cheap, cheap smartphone nowadays. You know, something that's like two or three years out of date and just go there. Just, you can really literally get a cheap Android phone for like 50 bucks. They can handle those private messaging apps and that's all you use it for. That's it. And make sure that they are set for 24-hour delete. So even if it was ever like, you know, brought up and the mom found it, you can say, “No, no, I'm just holding this one for a friend,” and actually put in fake contact info for literally a friend. Use your friend's profile picture. So it's like, “Oh no, this is Janice's phone and it's got a picture of Janice on it. She forgot it and I've just got, I'm holding it for.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:43] Yeah, good point. Yeah. And then make sure it doesn't have like your name's saved in it with a bunch of texts.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:49] Exactly. Yet it put a friend's photo on it and say, “I don't have the passcode. I can't open it.” Don't use a fingerprint to open it up. “Say I don't have her number, I don't know it. Look, it's her picture on it.” And then you have the passcode, you open it up and then you have just your signal app or whatever you know app that you want to use that is self-deleting and just use that. That way you've got to at least some plausible deniability. If the mom ever finds the phone and says, “No, look, oh she just forgot it and I'm taking it back to her.” That's it.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:20] Exactly.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:22] Basically, you have to throw it away after that because she's like, “How many times is this girl going to forget her phone with my daughter.” But it is something to get around that, that is not like, just put the app in a folder because the mom can find that. Especially with, if it's an iPhone, you can go to app usage now and see what it's like, “Oh, signals at the top now. That's what she uses all the time. What's that? Let me look that up and figure that out.” And then you're back to getting beat by the mom.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:50] Oh, you can't hide things from screen time.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:53] I don't believe you can.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:54] Oh, I wonder if that seems like a little bug.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:57] Yeah, I mean, it's not there to, you know, be private about anything. It just shows what apps you use and how much time you use them.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:05] Yeah, true. Huh. Interesting. You know, it's weird because we're really ignoring the real problem, which is that she lives with a crazy mom who's controlling.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:11] Exactly.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:13] This is a temporary solution. And if you guys weren't over 18 I would never give you this advice because if you're a minor and this is happening, it's just straight-up child abuse and the police need to get involved. This is also abused, but you're old enough to be like, “You know what? F this. You're crazy. You're affecting our relationship. I'm an adult. This is bullshit. I'm out.” Yeah. So it sucks to hear that because I also understand where the mom's coming from. She's probably like, “Oh my gosh, my daughter, I'm going to lose her because her older sister and I don't get along and now she's dating this guy and that's why she's not spending as much time with me. I better clamp down,” instead of being like, “Oh, I'm crazy and I need to relax and I need to realize I can't control everyone in my life.” Like her mom has clearly been through some weird stuff. Probably also it was abused and put under a controlling situation, so this is what she knows. So I've got a little sympathy there, but I also realized that like, look, it's not your responsibility or your girlfriend’s responsibility to get abused because somebody else was abused 25 years ago, like not your problem
Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:12] Coming from a home with an abusive mother you should have no sympathy for and you should just get the hell out. That's my two cents.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:18] Oh yeah, that's -- yeah.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:20] I've been down this road as we've talked about before on the show. Just get out.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:25] Yeah. All right. Last but not least.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:27] Jordan and crew, I'm one of the most highly ranked civilians in law enforcement in my state and lately when I've been having conversations with officers and other civilians in lower positions, they've either been asking me questions about how to advance their career where I've found myself spontaneously advising them or connecting them with people in my network. I know you're not a fan of the word mentor and questions related to mentoring, but most of the questions you get about mentoring or from listeners trying to find a mentor, not from listeners who have suddenly found themselves in the position of being a mentor. I wouldn't be in the position I'm in without having had a lot of help along the way and I want to pay it forward by helping others achieve their goals. What advice do you have for those of us who want to mentor others? How do I make sure I don't screw this up and or burn myself out? Thanks, Newbie Mentor.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:53:15] This is a legit question. First of all, see jordanharbinger.com/articles because we have an article there about mentorship and how to find one. You'll get some insight there. What you can do is set days and times that you're available for this sort of thing. Don't just have people calling and texting you 24/7 every weekend and weekday about their careers. Tell people you're available for a beer or whatever every, every other Friday or something. Unless it's urgent. Keep those boundaries firms so that you stay sane. Otherwise, everybody's going to just be hitting you up all the time, anytime, “Oh my boss called me into the office, what do you think it is? I'm going to get fired.” You don't want to be that. You don't want to deal with that. Set goals with them and write them down. This way, people aren't just winching about how they're not where they want to be in their career, but they have goals and you know what those goals are. That's really important because then you can help them strategize on how to achieve that, how to get there. They are ultimately responsible. Let them make their own decisions.
[00:54:15] Now, if someone refuses to follow your advice, then they're not allowed to whine to you or ask how to get out of a jam. At least not more than once. You know, If somebody gets in a pinch, you can help them out, but if they just consistently don't take your advice and then like, so “I didn't take your advice and I confronted my boss and now they're really mad and I'm on disciplinary, what should I do?” It's like, okay, one time they learn a lesson, the next time you need to cut them off from the advice. I had a college roommate – it’s college roommate day here on Feedback Friday -- I had a college roommate and he would always go, “All right, I like this girl and you know I'm going to do this and this and this,” and all of us other roommates would be like, “Do not do that. That is a terrible idea. Don't just show up to this random party that you're not invited to because you know she's going to be there. Do not do that,” and then he'd go, “Yeah, I'm going to go there and do that.” Then he would come home and go, “Man, I went there and she's like, what are you doing here? And then it was like, I showed up with flowers for you at this party and she's like, ‘Oh, that's weird,’ and now what do I do?” And it would happen every single time. He would do something dumb and we told him not to do every single time and we just eventually went, “Hey, if you're not going to take our advice, you don't have to follow our advice, but you can't just blatantly go against what we say and then have us get you out of this jam because it's just getting tiresome.” And so we had to cut them off. It pissed him off, but it kept us all sane because he was always whining about stuff not working out. And he never took our advice, but he always asks our opinion, never took our advice and then always ended up in a pan. It was super freaking annoying.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:55:46] That is so annoying. And it's funny when my little brother was growing up and I was teaching him things about computers and giving him advice, I'm like, I'd sit him down and say, “I'm going to explain this to you once and get a notepad, take notes. And if you don't get it, ask me as many questions as you want while we're sitting here. But after this, you're not allowed to ask me this question again.” And I did this maybe like starting when he was five years old and ever since then, anytime he'd asked me a question, he would show up with a notepad because the first couple of times he didn't take notes and I would never answer his question again, and then he needed the advice again and I'm just like, “I already answered that question, dude. You're going to have to figure that one out on your own.” And he got the hint that he had to be ready and prepared to take the advice when it came. So if this guy, you know, you just kept giving it to him over and over again, but if you said it the first time and said, “Hey look, this is a one-time offer. I'm going to spend my time. I'm going to teach you how to do something that you asked me for. Make sure that you get all of the information you need. I will spend as much time, I'll be completely patient with you. I want you to understand everything we're talking about, but after this point, you are never allowed to ask me this question again.” Worked like a charm 27 years later when he asked me a question. I tell him once, never bothers me again. It's great.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:57:06] Also make introductions freely for their benefit, but only one at a time. If they don't follow through on the introduction, they cannot ask for other introductions or favors because then there's wasting people's time. They're making you look bad. This will screen out those people who are serious and those who are just whining to you or venting or like want the idea of a mentor but don't want to do any of the work. So one intro at a time. If they follow through and nothing happens, that's one thing. But if they just kind of go, “Yeah, I emailed him once and he never called me back.” Then it's like, “Well, okay, it's your job to pursue this.” If they won't do it, they don't want to do the work, don't hold their hand anymore. I also introduced mentees to one another. Once they're trusted and they're actually doing it, not just the new guys, introduce them to one another, get them helping one another as well.
[00:57:49] This network will be really strong throughout their careers and they'll do a lot of the work for you as they bring one another up in the ranks together. That way, you know, one guy might be able to be there for another guy and give him advice that you gave him before. So it sort of scales that way. And remember, I've got this article about this jordanharbinger.com/articles. We've got that article there about mentorship, how to find one. You'll get some insight there as well.
[00:58:18] Life Pro Tip, if you want to give your future child a unique or random name, consider making it their middle name. Everyone has the option to share their middle name or not and they can even go buy it if they want to and if it embarrasses them or they feel they're going to get picked on. No one ever has to know. And I know Jason, you've got some experience with this.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:58:35] Yeah, my old business partner gave his kid the middle name, OSSUM, that's O-S-S-U-M, so it kind of looks like a possum, but it's pronounced awesome. And I also know people who I worked with who named their kids Jedi as the first name, which is a little much in my book. And my other friend, she just named her daughter, Skye Walker, last name. So at least she can go by Skye, which is a pretty nice name S-K-Y-E you know, that's a very beautiful name for a girl, but Skye Walker, when she busts out the middle name, she gets geek red. So I would say the latter is much better than just naming your kid Jedi in my book.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:59:15] Yeah, that sounds about right. I would say that you're onto something there for sure. I think there's something to be said for making the middle name, the experimental one and then later they can be like, “Yeah, this is my real name. Isn't that cool?” But in elementary school, they can just be Jane where it's normal and nobody's making fun of them all the time.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:59:34] Exactly.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:59:34] Gives them a little bit of choice. Recommendation of the Week. Last Breath on Netflix. Jason, this one is yours.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:59:40] Yeah, I watched this last night and I love diving stories. I'm a huge fan of diving stories because I tried to become a certified diver and I just don't have what it takes. I do not have the right stuff when it comes to getting in the water. I love this show because it is a documentary about a diving accident in the North Sea on an oil field and basically what it was the ship goes cattywampus like all three redundant systems failed at the same time while the bell was down with guys on the floor and the ship just went walkabout and it is the story of what happened after that. I'm not going to ruin anything for you. I mean it's called Last Breath on Netflix. Check it out. It is a nail biter and it's an hour and a half long, but it is well worth the time.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:28] Is it a true story?
Jason DeFillippo: [01:00:30] Absolutely. It has. It actually has video from the seafloor when this whole thing was going on, they recreated some stuff that they had to, but there is actual video of the whole thing, which is crazy.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:42] Yeah, that's one of my nightmares. It's like drowning in an underwater situation, drowning an underwater cave or something like that.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:00:50] Mine too. So you're going to-- just be forewarned. It is going to be a little stressful but it is well worth the watch.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:00:57] Geez. Yeah. Well, I'm, yeah, I don't even know if I can do that without just straight-up nightmares, but you know it does sound interesting.
[01:01:05] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us email@example.com to get your questions answered on the air. We always keep you anonymous. We've got some live events coming up later in the year. I think depending on how it goes with the baby. We're doing corporate training now, military training now as well and you can get info on that if you email me. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.
[01:01:30] Shout out for the week here is to The World Wanderer. He has traveled a bunch and that technique that I mentioned before of hiring a local guide from language schools, he decided to try it out in the Dominican Republic and ended up going all over the city, local vans, metro, the cable car to malls and other places where tourists just don't go, and ask unlimited numbers of questions, feel like you're not going to get mugged or taken advantage of and says, “The only thing I regret was not asking my guide to go with me to leverage local negotiating power. But luckily for me, I wasn't desperate to buy anything.” That's another perk that I probably didn't mention. They can negotiate for you because they know how much things should cost and how to negotiate politely and nobody has to know that it's something that you're going to get for yourself.
[01:02:16] So go back and check out the guests, Eric Schmidt and Shane Snow if you haven't already. If you want to know how we managed to book all of these great guests and manage relationships with them using systems, tiny habits of outreach and software, et cetera, check out our free Six-Minute Networking course over at jordan harbinger.com/course. Don't kick the can down the road. You got to dig the well before you're thirsty. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. The drills are designed to take just a few minutes per day. You ignore these skills at your own peril, jordanharbinger.com/course is where that is and again, it's free. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.
Jason DeFillippo: [01:02:58] My personal website is at jpd.me and you can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks over at gog.show or your podcast player of choice and make sure the kids are not in the room because it is a bit salty.
Jordan Harbinger: [01:03:08] All right, the show is produced in association with Podcast One. This episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger and show notes by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. Very excited for some of these upcoming guests. And in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.
[01:03:35] A lot of people ask me which shows I recommend and listen to. And one that I caught recently was pretty good, especially for business owners on the Mike Dillard Show. Mike, I've got you here with me now. Tell me about this Richard Chapo episode because basically all of us are getting sued at this point at some point.
Mike Dillard: [01:03:50] Yes. So Richard's an attorney that specializes in Internet law and as we all know, over the last year or two, Europe passed this GDPR regulation when it comes to privacy policies that has been basically adopted by the US as well. We now have to have a privacy notice with the little stupid pop up about cookies on every single website that you go to now. And he really breaks that down and talks about that to business owners here in the United States as far as what you need to have, how to be compliant, what could happen to you if you're not, and really just breaks it down into English for all of us. And I got to tell you, it reads like a crazy government spy novel. It's an absolute mess, but it's fascinating to learn about.
[01:04:31] Of course, we'll link to that in the show notes. Very important if you have anything online, any website or any business, and that's the Richard Chapo episode of the Mike Dillard Show.
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