460: Why Did Your Adopted Child Leave? | Feedback Friday

Transcript for Why Did Your Adopted Child Leave? | Feedback Friday (Episode 460)

Jordan Harbinger: Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. Today, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my cohort in consultation, Gabriel Mizrahi. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening often, even inside your own mind.

[00:00:39] If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you. We answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers to performers. For a selection of featured episodes to get you started with some of our favorite guests and popular topics, go to jordanharbinger.com/start. We've got these starter sets. These starter packs. It's a great way to share the show with other people. You're trying to get interested in this podcast, as well as to find some of your new favorite episodes. That's jordanharbinger.com/start.

[00:01:13] This week, we had John Brennan, former director of the CIA with a discussion on global threats and trends. If you're into global affairs and international relations and all that, you'll enjoy this one. We also had Steve Madden. Yes, the shoe guy, with his absolutely bananas, rise and fall, and rise again. I really enjoyed that one. I had no idea that he was such an interesting — the episode has nothing to do with shoes. Don't worry. Make sure you've had a look and to listen to everything we created for you here this week.

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[00:02:11] Idea of the week, this one comes from Charlie Munger, as you probably know, is Warren Buffett's homie over there at Berkshire Hathaway. "Take a simple idea and take it seriously." Doing a few sets of pushups each day. As a simple idea, saving at least 10% of your income is a simple idea. Sending thank you notes is a simple idea. Most people don't take simple ideas seriously, though. And that's where you should do that. That's a huge advantage. This is an idea taken from our Stephen Schwarzman episode all the way back in 2020. That's episode 447. He talks about simple ideas and how they are the foundation of Blackstone, which is a massive, massive financial group that he runs and he's one of the wealthiest men in the world. So he must know something about simple ideas taken to extremes. 

[00:02:58] I think, you know, Gabriel, all these super wealthy guys, they're all extremists in some way. 

[00:03:03] Gabriel Mizrahi: Oh yeah.

[00:03:03] Jordan Harbinger: Have you notice that?

[00:03:04] Gabriel Mizrahi: Mmhm.

[00:03:05] Jordan Harbinger: They're all extremists. 

[00:03:06] Gabriel Mizrahi: They don't do things halfway.

[00:03:07] Jordan Harbinger: No. That's why you see these billionaire guys that are like, "Yeah. When I used to run track, I used to run hundred-mile ultra-marathons and I did one a month," and you're like, "What?" And you see that spill over into other areas of their life. And so it's no surprise that somebody who does things to that degree also read 700 books on one subject and then found a little tiny market niche that nobody was exploiting and then built a giant business off of it. And then did it again with a totally different niche. And then bought an app that he saw potential, that not even the founders weren't sure it was going to do what they said it was going to do. Like all these guys, they really have that sort of knack. And I think it's just a product of intensity, but a lot of that intensity is just taking those simple ideas seriously. 

[00:03:48] All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag. 

[00:03:51] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe, my son who turned 18 a week and a half ago, just up and moved out of the house. He asked for a family meeting on Friday at 5:00 p.m. and said, "Thank you for all you did. I'm leaving today." He had packed up all of his things, got a new bank account and phone in his name and did not take one of our cars. A friend picked him up and he was gone. He wrote a letter to us saying that he was going away for quote-unquote mental health reasons and do not contact me. I will contact you. Our other kids who are 18 and 20, they knew that he was planning to leave and did not tell us. We adopted him when he was seven, without much contact with his biological family. That was by his choice. He is a boy or is he a young man who is smart and is taking mostly college classes for his senior year of high school. I understand that he is ready for his freedom and he thinks that he has it all figured out. He'll stay with friends, then he'll get low-income housing. And then he'll go to college on scholarships, supplemented by his part-time work at a restaurant. My problem is how we left. I feel hurt and disappointed that he thinks he needs to cut us off as parents. My wife and I are scheduling counseling for us and getting a SimpliSafe security system for our house as the college that he plans to attend is in the same town that we live in. Are there other things I could do besides twiddle my thumbs and wait to see if things change? Signed, Dumbfounded Dad.

[00:05:09] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, well this is a really difficult situation and it is highly unusual. We're not getting a ton of detail here on what led to your son's decision, but it sounds like this was a real surprise. And I imagine that it's been extremely painful for you and your wife. And it sounds like you guys were good parents, hopefully — I mean, look, who knows, right? Gabe, there's a part of me and I really don't want to speculate on this whenever anyone writes in, but I'm like, "Wow, that was kind of an abrupt departure. What are we not hearing?"

[00:05:36] Gabriel Mizrahi: What led up to this was? 

[00:05:37] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Like what's going on here? But since we don't have any detail on that, I'm just going to sort of gloss over that although it is in the back of my mind. Anyway, it sounds like you guys were good people. You adopted this boy, you treated them like your own. And now he's pulling away with very little explanation. So I understand why you're hurt and disappointed. I would be too. And I'm sorry that you're going through it.

[00:05:57] So my initial question is whether your son had any issues before he decided to leave. Whether there was any indication that he was unhappy. And I'm tempted to speculate about that as well, but it's hard because again, we're going on such limited information. And I do know that children who are adopted often have unique challenges, especially if they were adopted later in childhood, like your son was. I'm painting with a very broad brush here, but it is fairly common for adopted kids to wrestle with some pretty powerful abandonment issues, self-esteem issues often through no fault of their adopted parents. At seven years old, a kid's brain isn't developed enough to understand why a parent would want to hand them off. So they often internalized that feeling of being unwanted, being unlovable, basically, because it's easier to protect the image of the parent who left them than it is to save their own image. This is some armchair psychology here. It doesn't work in every case, of course, but it is a common template. So it's possible that your son was wrestling with some of that and started to feel as he got older, that he would have to leave you guys before you left him, no matter how great you guys were as parents. But again, that's just me imagining what he might be going through. And for all we know, your son is super secure and he's doing all of this for the reasons he said he was, and he doesn't carry any of that adoption baggage. We just don't know. 

[00:07:14] But I bring this up because if that is what's going on with your son even a little bit, then him leaving, probably isn't designed to punish you or reject you, but to protect himself. And until he does his own work on that, or he's ready to talk about it with you, there's very little that you can do here. The only thing you can do. And what I recommend doing is to continue being loving and open with him. I know you're hurt. I know you're disappointed. And it's important that you process those feelings with your wife, but I would resist the urge to lash out or reject your son right now, because that could reinforce everything he might believe about his worthiness as a person. Unconditional love and support, that's what he needs right now. And that doesn't mean that you can't express how worried you are, how hurt you are if, and when you do talk to him. But I would do it from a place of love and compassion rather than a place of anger and blame. And you being kind of freaked out that your kid left, right?

[00:08:08] If you wanted to do something in the meantime, then you could reach out to him and let him know that you're there for him when he's ready and you got to be chill about this. You could send him a text or an email that says something like, "I know you wanted to reach out to us later, but we just want you to know that we love you. We miss you. When you're ready to talk, we're here to listen. This has been hard. It's left us feeling worried and confused, but we respect your boundaries unless you tell us otherwise." I think a message like that would allow you to honor that line, that he's drawing, but also communicate how you're feeling and reassure him that you're just, you're not going anywhere. You're not mad at him. You want to make sure your baby's okay, but you're not going to track him down and cramp his dialer or bug him or something like that because it sounds like he needs his space. 

[00:08:51] After that though, you're right, you just have to sit back and wait. And that will probably be the hardest part, but it's important to let him work this out on his own. And while he does that, I would allow yourself to go through your own process, which really is a process of grieving. Your son didn't die, of course, but you are mourning the relationship you used to have with him. I'm sure you probably want to fast forward through this period, but you need to allow yourself to process everything. This is bringing up. And so I'm glad you guys have a therapist. I would definitely be exploring all of this in your sessions with that therapist. Because even though you shouldn't dump all that on your son, processing the anger with each other and with your counselor is super important. 

[00:09:29] I have to say though, Gabriel, I did find it interesting that the other children knew about this and didn't say anything to the parents. 

[00:09:38] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah, I know. But I could see that going a couple of ways. Right? On one hand I could see their son confiding in their other kids and the other kids, they were just being respectful, honoring his desire for privacy. His right to kind of figure this out and do what he wants to do on his own. But on the other hand, it’s also possible that the other kids might not have felt comfortable telling their parents about this, or at least they didn't feel comfortable encouraging their son to talk to them about it before he left. So that did raise some questions, right? I mean, and just like, Jordan, I really don't want to speculate or project here, but that is another thing that I would explore in therapy too. Your relationship with your children, what you guys are doing consciously or unconsciously that might be making your children hesitate to share this kind of thing with you because it's not like they were hiding something minor.

[00:10:23] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah.

[00:10:23] Gabriel Mizrahi: Right, Jordan? It's not like they were like, your other sons snuck alcohol from the garage or like he's dating someone kind of dicey, but like, it's going to end in two weeks.

[00:10:31] Jordan Harbinger: Yes, she has a tattoo. 

[00:10:33] Gabriel Mizrahi: Exactly. It's not like that. It's not like a butterfly tattoo on her right shoulder. We all need to have a family chat about it. No, like they were withholding something much more dramatic. I don't know why I just threw shade at people have tattoos on their shoulders. That is not a big deal.

[00:10:45] Jordan Harbinger: I mean, it's the kind of thing that parents don't like when their kid is dating someone and they're a teenager. 

[00:10:50] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. A couple of friends of mine actually have butterfly tattoos on their backs and it looks great. So I don't know why I just brought that up. 

[00:10:56] Jordan Harbinger: There's a lot of people you don't even know, but have butterfly tattoos somewhere on their back. I'll just leave it at that.

[00:11:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: But the point is that they were withholding something much more important than that. And I feel for those kids too, they're in a weird position. I mean, they basically had to choose between respecting their brother's wishes and keeping their parents informed. But also, you know, these parents' relationship with them that plays a role in this whole situation too. And I'm sure it brings up some questions and feelings for them. So yeah, definitely worth exploring all of that. 

[00:11:23] Jordan, I have to wonder a little bit about the mental health reasons thing. He mentioned that he's leaving for mental health reasons. I wasn't sure like that could be anything from — I'm feeling a little stifled and sad too — I'm actually wrestling with some serious mental health problems. I wonder what the situation is there. How much of that was playing a role? 

[00:11:40] Jordan Harbinger: There's a lot of stuff that appears at around age, well, let's just say early twenties and that could even be genetic stuff that you just don't know about because you don't know much about his biological family. It could also — again, speculation could run wild here, but the other thing, Gabriel, that really tripped me up. What's the simplest safe security thing? Don't get me wrong. I love when you support our sponsors, but why extra security do you feel like you're physically in danger? Do you feel like you're at risk of physical harm if he comes back? This stuck out to me and I hate to say this, but this initially struck me as almost like a punishment thing. Like, "Oh, you're going to leave. Fine. You can't come back. We have an alarm now." I don't know why I read it like that. That could be my own issue here. There was nothing really in the letter that said that explicitly. But it just seems weird that your son would leave and you'd go, "Fine! I'm going to get an alarm tomorrow." I don't really get why you would do that. That's where I can't connect the dots. 

[00:12:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: Unless they just mean that they want to know if he sneaks back in the house because he was hungry and wanted to grab something from the fridge. And they just want to know that he's okay or something like that.

[00:12:42] Jordan Harbinger: Right.

[00:12:42] Gabriel Mizrahi: I mean, I'm thinking more charitably there, but yeah, it is a little bit vague. Not clear entirely what that means. But if it is because you feel unsafe or you do feel like you don't want somebody to be in the house, then I would just think through what measures you want take if he did come back. How would you engage in a dialogue with him around that? Or what are the rules? If there are any rules, you know, can he come and go. If he does come, does that mean he's back in the fold? Or if he comes, do you just let him go again? And what are your other children want? What are your other children need? There's so many people in this household. That'd be curious to know what everybody wants to see happen in this situation. 

[00:13:12] Jordan Harbinger: In conclusion here, support your son. Love your son. Give him the space he needs right now. Be there for him when he's ready to talk. And when you do talk, approach them from a place of compassion and empathy and try to understand what he's going through. In the meantime, allow yourself to have your own experience and process whatever comes up for you guys, if all goes well, both you and your son will each have some time apart to look at your relationship in a new light and hopefully, come back together with a little bit more awareness. If you do that, your relationship could actually be even stronger than it was before. And I'm really hoping for that. Good luck. 

[00:13:49] You're listening to Feedback Friday here on The Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back. 

[00:13:53] This episode is sponsored in part by Blue Nile. Bluenile.com is the original online jeweler. Since 1999, they've helped millions of couples create their perfect engagement ring. And launching this month is Ten/Ten, a modern collection of a hundred commitment rings designed by 10 independent women jewelry designers sold exclusively on bluenile.com. Using only diamonds, responsibly sourced from Botswana, these design masters were asked to reenvision the engagement ring and the Ten/Ten capsule collection is the result. This idea was conceived during the early stages of the pandemic. Ten/Ten was specifically created to provide support to the people of Botswana, a country whose economy relies largely on diamond revenue. And also as a way to raise awareness for independent designers. Blue Nile is committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Guaranteed service and repair for life, not perfect, no problem, 100 percent satisfaction guarantee. So you can shop stress-free with guaranteed free shipping and returns. For more information about this exclusive collection, head over to bluenile.com, where you can see all 10, one of a kind engagement ring designs. Read about the designers and learn how responsibly sourced natural diamonds are making a positive impact on the Botswana community. And remember, 10 designers are creating 10 rings each. That's just a hundred total rings, and when they're gone, they're gone. Shop stress-free and find your forever peace at bluenile.com. 

[00:15:12] This episode is also sponsored by Better Help online counseling. New year is a great time for a mental health check in. If you've always wanted to go to therapy or you'd like to try it again, or you need to talk some things out, I highly recommend therapy. I think it's a great way to stay sane. If you're sane, it's a great way to regain sanity. If you feel like it's slipping a little bit, there's no shame in it at all. I think some of the highest performing people I know go to therapists regularly, not I think I know. And finding a therapist can be intimidating. It can be time consuming. You got to drive across town and park. You've heard me complain about that before. With Better Help, just fill out a questionnaire. You get matched in a couple of days, schedule secure video or phone sessions. You can chat or text with your therapist. You're on your own couch. You don't even have to go to their couch anymore. It is 21st century therapy. Everything is, of course, confidential. And you can always switch counselors if you don't click. Get a new one at any time. No additional charge.

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[00:16:16] Jordan Harbinger: And now back to Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show. 

[00:16:21] All right, what's next? 

[00:16:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan, I'm in middle school and like many people, I am really struggling with class right now. The teacher engagement is not as strong as it was in person, but I don't feel safe going back to the classroom. My school has had many COVID 19 cases and it doesn't have a lot of safety protocols. 

[00:16:37] Jordan Harbinger: Wait a minute. Did he say he was in middle school? Yep. Wow. Alrighty. I was just like, did I hear that right?

[00:16:44] Gabriel Mizrahi:  Yeah. That's a first, right? That's a first for the show, I think. 

[00:16:46] Jordan Harbinger: It has to be a first. 

[00:16:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. 

[00:16:47] Jordan Harbinger: At least somebody admitting they're in middle school. I'm not convinced we haven't heard from middle-schoolers before, but this is the first time anyone's admitted it. 

[00:16:54] Gabriel Mizrahi: Fair enough school before the pandemic was great. I was able to do all the things I wanted to do, and I was getting high A's in all of my classes, but that has dropped a bit since then. Most of the classes I take are through a high school program where I'm studying mechanical engineering and software engineering. The problem is the school has said that any student who fails a class in one period of the year will be required to come back again. I've thought about dropping out and attending a community college that offers courses for all ages and has much safer COVID-19 restrictions, but I'm not sure if that's the right move. What would you do if you were me? Signed, Beyond My Years, But Stuck in This One. 

[00:17:29] Jordan Harbinger: I have to say Gabriel, before we dive into the answer here, this person, this guy does not sound like a middle-schooler— 

[00:17:34] Gabriel Mizrahi: No.

[00:17:35] Jordan Harbinger: —at all.

[00:17:35] Gabriel Mizrahi: No. He sounds super smart. 

[00:17:37] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Mature. And unless you cleaned up the letter, the grammar is on point. The spelling's on point. 

[00:17:43] Gabriel Mizrahi: Yeah. 

[00:17:43] Jordan Harbinger: What's going on? 

[00:17:44] Gabriel Mizrahi: He's a cool kid. 

[00:17:44] Jordan Harbinger: Look, I can definitely relate to not loving school and wanting to do it your own way. That's actually, what made me want to go to Germany for high school, being an exchange student and then Mexico, and then Serbia and then Ukraine and Israel and all that stuff. There are so many ways to learn in this world. So when you look at those opportunities and you think like, "Okay, now we're all on Zoom, not the most exciting one." So I totally get what you're going through right now, especially your need to be social, and now you can't even do that. So I have some short-term advice for you. And then I have some bigger picture thoughts here. 

[00:18:17] My short-term advice is to find a way to stick with school in a way that makes the most sense for you, but still keeps you on track. So if that means going to the community college, where they socially distance and they sanitize the desks. Great. I'm a huge fan of students doing college classes if they're getting antsy. I recommend it all the time on the show. I did it myself when I was in high school. I think I took like — I had like a scheduling conflict. So I took algebra or something like that in order to be able to graduate on time and do my exchange year. I'm assuming all those college credits will fulfill your seventh or eighth grade requirements somehow. You're going to want to make sure of course, but that's got to count for something. Although, if you're taking differential calculus with a bunch of 20 year olds, why do you still need to be taking we're on Zoom? You sound like a Mensa kid or something. So I'm a little unclear on how those requirements work, especially since I've been out of school for two decades, but if you can have a better experience and still satisfy your classes, why not?

[00:19:14] If the school does not allow you to do that for some reason, don't take no for an answer right away, especially if it's from like the assistant principal or some academic coordinator, go to the superintendent, go to the school board if you have to, with your parents, ideally. Focus your arguments more on why you need to be able to attend college classes, to keep developing and educating yourself and do not throw shade and tear down your middle school, your teachers, or especially the administrators and decision makers, even if they do have their heads up their butts about all this. Because what I'm worried about here — look, if you argue for what you need to develop, you may have more success, but if they feel attacked, they're going to dig their heels in.

[00:19:55] If you're simply advocating for yourself instead of against the school, that's going to be much harder for them to address, right? "Hey, I need to take college classes because these fit my schedule better and they attract my interests more." And they might say, "Well, we're not going to pay for it because we offer that in school." And then you or your parents can say, "I'll pay for it," if you're in a position to do that. Then it takes that argument away. Make sure you've got support from your parents on this. And they can also make sure this issue gets attention from the relevant adults who may be tempted not to take you seriously. 

[00:20:26] When I was doing my foreign exchange stuff, I don't remember all the details, but Gabe, we ran into a bunch of problems where there was like an academic coordinator who was like, "You can't do that. You can't go abroad. You're going to lose the whole year." And then we finally took it to a bunch of other folks and they were like, "No, you just need to make sure you're doing these core requirements, math, science, history." So I took summer school courses so that I could get government in because we had a government requirements. I took summer school. It wasn't ideal. Right? Because I was with a lot of the like quote-unquote bad kids, but it was not hard. And it was hot because there's no AC in schools back then.

[00:21:02] That was the thing I remember about it. No big deal, but it was totally doable. It was completely doable, but everybody wanted to be like, "No, it's impossible," because they didn't want to think outside the box, try and problem solve, or they just didn't know what was allowed and what wasn't. If the community college idea doesn't work out for whatever reason, I would encourage you to just buckle down and get through online school. I know it sucks. I'm rolling my eyes, just thinking about it. But schools will probably reopen later this year, and I know that sounds like a long time, but you can make it. So whatever challenges you're having with zoom, I would find productive ways to work with them. 

[00:21:35] Make sure you're taking breaks during the day. Exercising that'll help with focus. Don't I know it. Maybe create a pod, not a podcast, a pod. They're called pods, right? Gabriel, where you only hang out with those few people so you don't get COVID. 

[00:21:47] Gabriel Mizrahi: Totally like the old, like keyboard style learning. 

[00:21:49] Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, right. So make a pod with a couple of friends to study, do homework together. If you can do it safely, of course. And look for other communities to fill in the gaps, whether it's YouTube tutorials, online forums, Discord servers, all that good stuff. If you can make the next six or nine months doable in that regard, it'll be worth it. And you'll probably get more out of them than class itself. And I know that's a little controversial, but even teachers are having problem with the Zoom thing. It's no shade on them. It's just a weird situation. 

[00:22:15] My guess though, is that online class has been a slog for you because you are smart. Not just because it's online. I was extremely bored with school. I wish I'd taken college courses earlier than I did, which was in high school. I think I was a fraction as advanced as you sound in this email, I even believe I'm talking to somebody who's in eighth grade or whatever right now. It's truly impressive.

[00:22:35] Gabe, what else are we thinking for this one? 

[00:22:37] Gabriel Mizrahi: I'm with you. I mean, this kid is obviously light years ahead of his peers. He's confident and he's proactive. He's self-directed, he's like 13 going on 30, basically. So in a couple of years he will have a lot more control over his life. A ton of opportunities are about to become available to him. The sooner, he starts grabbing them the more impact they're going to have. So I'm with Jordan looking beyond the pandemic. If you want to take college classes and graduate early, do it. If you want to travel and volunteer during your summers, go for it. If you want to, I don't know, study Japanese so you can do a robotics competition in Kyoto or something cool like that, more power to you. Mainstream schooling, it's not designed with individual needs like yours in mind. It's really designed to broadly satisfy everybody's needs all at once. And in our experience, usually not very well. So keep charting your own course because that's going to serve you really well. 

[00:23:24] Jordan Harbinger: Exactly. Look, I would really encourage you to keep breaking the mold here. If I hadn't bailed on my high school senior year and gone to study in the former East Germany, I would be a very different person right now. That was a defining life experience for me. But it's not like anyone was tapping me on the shoulder going, "Hey, you should go to the former East Germany. That's the thing you can do makes a lot of sense. It'll grow you up fast." I had to create that experience for myself and then make it work. And by the way, it didn't lead me down some weird path that totally derailed my life. I still went to a great college. I went to a great law school. Although those ended up being the least interesting parts of my education, now that I look at it.

[00:24:03] So keep thinking like that and keep investing in yourself, read as much as you can expose yourself to as many people and cultures as you can. Start a blog or build something, write something, play around. And if your parents put up a fight about you doing things differently, try and help them understand what you're going through. Be patient with them, tell them what you really need in order to thrive. They might have to open up their minds a little bit and that's okay. You can help them get there. My parents weren't super keen on the exchange stuff initially until they thought I was really serious anyways.

[00:24:32] But yeah, the Zoom stuff, this is a footnote in your life, man. You won't even remember how boring it was in a couple of years, but what you will remember is all the cool stuff you learned by exploring on your own. You have a great head on your shoulders and it needs to be stimulated in different ways from most people. So keep doing that, my man, and you will be great. Oh, and when you're my boss in 20 years because you're the CEO of Spotify or something, hook this old man up with some decent ad rates, will you. Thanks in advance. 

[00:25:00] All right. Next up.

[00:25:01] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey Jordan and Gabe, I've wanted to be a lawyer ever since I was 15 years old. Initially, it was because I wanted to make money, but as I got older, I wanted to be a lawyer so I could change the world. Fast forward 10 years, I've graduated law school, and I've recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness that is incredibly debilitating. Just knowing that I'll never get better has crushed my self-esteem and forced me to question my life choices. I moved halfway across the country to be with my boyfriend and study for the bar exam in my new home state. But my chronic illness possible ADHD, COVID madness, K through JD burnout and crushing anxiety about the bar exam, that all caused me to self-sabotage and severely neglect my studying. I just learned that I failed the bar exam by seven points. I'm studying for the next exam and things are already going better. I made my own plan and I'm sticking to it. But the nagging feeling that maybe the legal profession isn't right for me is bringing me down. I want to stand up for people and make the world a better place, but that comes at a cost to my free time, my energy, my money. Most of all, I'm not sure I can physically be a lawyer. Because as you know, it's an incredibly demanding field and not known for being accommodating to people who cannot give 110 percent. I know there are positions with good work-life balance, but the world-changing positions typically aren't. I want to be happy, healthy, and make change. So where should I go from here? Signed, Languishing in the Law 

[00:26:28] Jordan Harbinger: Well, I'm sorry about the diagnosis and the bar exam. That is really tough. You're dealing with a lot right now. You're burned out clearly. You've got this life altering diagnosis. You've just moved across the country. You have some attention and anxiety challenges, and all of that is happening in the middle of the Pan-D, which is intense for everyone. So we could probably talk about each of those things for hours, but since we only have a little bit of time, I'm going to cut through the noise here if I can. 

[00:26:52] My sense from your email. And I'm going to be a little bit blunt here, but I think, you know, it comes from love. My sense is that you're extremely anxious and confused right now. And I think you're also pretty scared about your diagnosis and about your future in the law. You're kind of working against yourself from the sound of it. You're questioning the law because of your diagnosis, but you're also questioning it because you just had this blow with the bar exam and you probably don't feel very inspired to imagine all of the fun possibilities that are ahead of you. That is very normal. We all go through peaks and valleys. And when you're in a valley, it's really easy for everything to feel hopeless and pointless.

[00:27:26] I won't tell you to snap out of it because I totally understand why you feel this way, but you do have to see how that place you're in. It's kind of infecting your whole outlook right now. I thought it was interesting that you'd never said you hated the law, or you lost your sense of purpose. It sounds to me like you're still very passionate about the law, but you're struggling to see if there's a place for you in it, which in many ways is even harder than realizing you never really liked the law at all.

[00:27:51] So one thing I highly recommend doing is really investigating all the beliefs you have around your career right now. For example, you said that the law isn't known for being accommodating to people who can't give it a hundred percent. Is that totally true? Sure. You might not be able to put in 90-hour work weeks at Latham & Watkins or something like that, but are you overlooking all the boutique firms, legal departments that would love to hire a passionate person like you?

[00:28:17] When I worked in big law and wall street, we had plenty of colleagues that I never saw because they were pregnant with their third kid and they'd been working from home for the whole year. And this is in 2007. This is well before people were allowed to work from home normally, right? So you might just be assuming that it's still brutal and that it's brutal for everyone. You also said, you know, there are positions with good work-life balance, but not in world-changing positions. Again, do you know, for a fact that that's true? Have you interviewed for a bunch of world-changing positions out there? And did they stand up and say, "Hey, by the way, this is a hundred hour a week position." Or are you going off a TED Talk, you saw by some annoying type A martyr who has no friends and dedicated his entire life to some NGO? Have you reached out to 20, 30 lawyers, you admire on LinkedIn and ask them about what their careers actually look like? Have you been building relationships that would allow you to create a meaningful career with the flexibility that you need?

[00:29:12] I am not asking you these questions to minimize your challenges or gaslight you or whatever, but I know your concerns are real. I really do. What I am encouraging you to do is not be so rigid about your thinking because the second your brain goes, "Well, I got a chronic illness, I guess that means I'll never be able to do anything meaningful in my life." Or, you know, "There's no way to help the world and have balanced, so what's the point of even trying." The second your mind starts to attach to those beliefs. It is game over. Then, you're stuck in this very stressful, very limited, very limiting prison constructed by all of these ideas, which sounds like that's what's happening right now.

[00:29:51] Sure, one day in the distant future, you might only be able to work — I don't know, 30 hours a week, or you might need to save some extra money to pay for medical care, or you might need to draw stronger boundaries with your employers so that you can take care of yourself, but there's still so much that you can offer within those constraints. There are still so many people who would work with you to take advantage of it. And I'd hate for you to miss all of those possibilities because you're cutting off your options before you can even begin to explore them. Honestly, it sounds like you need a vacation.

[00:30:20] Gabe, is there anything else here?

[00:30:22] Gabriel Mizrahi: You're absolutely right. I think she has a lot more opportunity and a lot more control here than she imagined. But, of course, there will be times when she might have to choose between two irreconcilable things like making money, for example, and taking care of her health. We're not saying that life is going to be a walk in the park all of the time, but when that happens, you know, she'll just have to have a good grasp of what's important to her. When push comes to shove, you know, stability or adventure, health, or money, freedom, or obligation, and choose the path that honors those values. But I think she would be surprised by how many of the choices that she's going to face in life will not be as black and white, as she's imagining. Often she'll be able to find some third path that she forges on her own. It's just hard to see that when she's lying in bed at nights, spinning out about the future, which is kind of how I imagined she's coping with all of this right now. Just lying in bed, imagining the worst-case scenario. 

[00:31:08] I know that's a lot to think about. I know it's kind of abstract, but a lot of what you're dealing with here it is. And I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about all this if you're not doing that already. I would go to a therapist just to deal with the anxiety and the self-sabotage stuff, but dealing with a chronic health problem, that's a significant challenge to navigate. It's a big thing that you have to work through and develop an understanding of and figure out how you're going to make some adjustments to make it work in your life. Whatever that looks like. I don't know exactly what the particulars are. But you might want to look for a health psychologist or someone with expertise in behavioral medicine. Someone like that could be a game changer for you, but a good therapist. They can also help with the bigger existential questions that you're wrestling with there too.

[00:31:46] So I'm with you, Jordan. I think she needs to just sort of get through this bar exam phase, not let that derail her entire career. It sounds like she's still really passionate about it. And if she can just look through some of the beliefs, get the help she needs, find the resources and get over this little hump. Then I think she'll remember why she fell in love with the law in the first place. 

[00:32:02] Jordan Harbinger: I agree. Look, bottom line, short term, buckled down, pass the bar exam. It's going to be a huge relief. And let me tell you, the bar exam represents the practice of law. The way the SAT represents what you do in college. In other words, it's a freaking standardized test and once it's over, you'll never need to do that sort of thing ever again in your entire life, unless you move States and you want to relicense or you have to retake the bar. Tons of super smart people get their butts kicked on the bar exam and were amazing attorneys after they finally passed. So don't put too much stock in what one test says about you or your fitness for this particular occupation.

[00:32:38] Longer term, keep investing in your skills and your relationships, because those will save you and start putting them together in a way that makes your career doable for you. Don't be afraid of leaving the law, if that is the right move. And as you know, that's what I did. It's what many lawyers do. It's always an option, but don't write off the law completely just because things look bleak right now. You can always create your own path in life. If you put in the work. I really do have faith that you're going to figure this out. All that anxiety, all that confusion, that's really a signal that you just need to figure some things out. I know it's hard, but if you do, I think you'll find a lot more freedom and excitement on the other side. So keep on keeping on best of luck. We are rooting for you and give yourself a little break. It really sounds to me like she needs a break. 

[00:33:23] This is The Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. 

[00:33:27] This episode is also sponsored by Design Crowd. Seeing your business idea come to life is part of the buzz for any entrepreneur. And nothing says you're up and running and ready to take on the market like a personalized logo, website, or business card and design crowd can help you get to that place. Why go with one designer when you can tap into a community of over 900,000-plus designers? And it's money back guaranteed. What you do is you post a brief describing the design that you need. Design Crowd will invite 900,000-plus designers to submit within hours. You'll get your first design. And over two to seven days, you'll get maybe 60 to 100 or even more designs from designers around the world. And the hardest part honestly, is going to be choosing your favorite design. You can rate the designs. You can send links to your friends and vote on them. Jen loves to vote on your design. So if you use design crowd, go ahead and send Jen the link and she'll tell you which one she likes best in case you care. Once you've decided, you approve payment to the designer and you'll be sent all of the design files to do with as you please.

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[00:34:37] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is sponsored in part by LifeLock. I'm a LifeLock user. I have been for the past several years. I even took a little break because I thought I'm just going to be really careful. It turns out that's a myth. If you're careful enough, you'll never fall victim to identity theft. Not true. No one can prevent all identity theft. Cyber criminals are getting more sophisticated in their attempts to steal your personal information. That should not be news to you by now. What I love about LifeLock is that it's essentially insurance. They have a multimillion-dollar policy and they have experts that will restore your identity by doing all the letter writing and all the sort of pressuring and calling and staying on hold for you. That's what I really love about it. It's not just them informing me of all transactions than anything suspects. It's them being there to fix it when/if things do come off the rails. 

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[00:35:37] Jordan Harbinger: This episode is also sponsored by HostGator. Breathe a sigh of relief and congratulate yourself on making it to 2021. It feels pretty good, doesn't it? But you know, what would make this year, even better finally building that website you've been meaning to do forever. It opens the eyes of the world to your brand if you have your own business. And if you're looking for a job, your portfolio or resume can be front and center for everybody online. Best of all HostGator makes it affordable and easy for all budgets and all levels of tech expertise. In fact, with the Gator builder, you can have your site online in a couple of clicks. Each plan with HostGator comes with unlimited bandwidth and disc space. No surprise bills. You can make email addresses, customize your own domain name, no more AOL, Gmail whatever's for your business. HostGator also guarantees 99 percent uptime, 24/7, 365 support and a 45-day money-back guarantee if you're not completely satisfied. Visit hostgator.com/jordan to get up to 62 percent off, oddly specific number again, that's hostgator.com/jordan. 

[00:36:34] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and/or services you can always visit jordanharbinger.com/deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

[00:36:52] All right, next up. 

[00:36:53] Gabriel Mizrahi: Hey guys, after moving to Washington DC last year for an internship, I signed a three-month lease at an apartment complex in Maryland, but when I moved out, they told me that I owed them two months' rent for not providing notice. The lease, however, it explicitly states that no notice is needed if there was a move out date on the agreement, which there was. I've been fighting with the landlord for just over a year now. I've had a lawyer look at the lease and filed with both the consumer financial protection bureau and the Maryland landlord tenant complaint department, but they are still trying to get money from me. As a 24-year-old teacher, this is really ruining my credit and putting a pretty hefty financial strain on my future. Is there anything else I can do? Signed, Fleeced by the Overreach of a Breaching Leech.

[00:37:38] Jordan Harbinger: Oh, man, this is deeply uncool, almost certainly illegal. The fact that you're a 24-year-old teacher makes it even worse. You're the last person this should be happening too. So look, this is an impossible problem for us to fix in one episode, especially since it's a technical, legal battle. Good job on filing those complaints but it's clearly going to take a lot more than that. The first thing I would do if you haven't done this already is have a direct and diplomatic conversation with the landlord and management about dropping the thing. I assume you may have already done this, but you could call them up or even swing by the office and try to appeal to their reason. Tap into their kindness if they have any. They sound like feudal landlord dicks that need to be tarred and feathered, but that's just my initial analysis. Maybe you go above the leasing supervisor's head or find a more sympathetic person in the company.

[00:38:26] You could then show them the language in the agreement and be like, "Look, man, it says right here that if there's a move out date, then I don't need to provide notice. And look, there's the move out date right there. So why is this happening? Help me understand. Where's the mix-up?" if they won't back down, then get more personal, tell them, "You know, look I'm 24, I'm a teacher. You're literally screwing up my life. I don't think you mean to be doing that, but that's what's happening. Can you please work with me here?" And see if there's any possibility that they'll realize how messed up this is and do the right thing. Now I'm guessing you already tried that approach and that ship has probably sailed, but it's worth mentioning. In my book, it's always worth talking to somebody informally diplomatically before resorting to more formal channels.

[00:39:11] And if you want to learn more about how to recruit people emotionally to your cause, we've done a lot of interviews on stuff like that, but more recently, Srdja Popovic. That's episode 448. We'll link that in the show notes. I get the sense from your email that we're probably way past that. So my advice is find a real estate attorney ASAP, not a regular old Joe attorney who doesn't deal with this and has never seen a lease other than his own.

[00:39:34] We chatted about your situation with Corbin Payne. He's a defense attorney and a friend of the show. He did a little bit of research for us. He confirmed that this landlord's behavior, it rises to coercive or even fraudulent levels. Law enforcement should be doing something about this. They're probably not going to, for a variety of reasons, notably, there's a ton of other fish to fry for these folks.

[00:39:54] Corbyn said there should be some civil remedies you could pursue though. And in many States, a judge can actually award damages for abusive or fraudulent behavior from a landlord. And in egregious cases, the judge can even multiply the amount of damages as a way to punish bad behaviors. This tends to be the case in more liberal States and Maryland skews liberal. So that's pretty encouraging there. Google real estate attorney or tenant attorney or landlord tenant attorney in your state and get some names. Check out the legal ratings on avvo.com, A-V-V-O.com. Make sure you're working with somebody who has a good reputation. Maybe look for a lawyer with a civil litigation or landlord tenant lawsuit experience.

[00:40:35] And since I know cost might be an issue, don't be afraid to ask if they can work with you a little on their rate. A lot of lawyers will offer a discount or a sliding scale. And talking to a lawyer, the first time is really free. They might take a case like this on contingency, which means you only pay if they win, they might not do that as well. It's it sort of depends. You just have to present it to them and see what they say. But if you get a free consultation, you could at least get a handle on what this will likely cost and your odds of success. And who knows? You might even be surprised how quickly this evil landlord backs down once they see that you've lawyered up. Right now, they have all the power, but once you have somebody looking out for you, it could change the balance completely. I know it's an expense, but if this thing is really compromising your future, it's probably worth it. 

[00:41:19] But if the cost of fighting, this thing is way too high, you do have another option, which is to scrounge together the money somehow, and just pay these a-holes. Sadly, that might be the smartest option at the end of the day. It might turn out to be that way. Do the math on how much a lawyer is going to cost versus just paying up factor in the mental and emotional burden of this dragging on. I know it's infuriating to think about caving here and I wouldn't blame you if you refuse to give up on principle. It really does down to how much you're determined to get justice versus just moving on with your life. 

[00:41:50] And if all else fails, maybe fire back at these people through the Better Business Bureau, use Yelp use social media, stuff like that. This kind of thuggery shouldn't be done to anyone, but as Corbin pointed out, screwing over a 24-year-old teacher that goes beyond the pale. Personally, I'd love to see you lawyer up and rake these jerks over the coals. I'm really sorry this is happening to you, man. Good luck. 

[00:42:10] All right. Last but not least. 

[00:42:12] Gabriel Mizrahi: To the sages of The Jordan Harbinger Show. 

[00:42:15] Jordan Harbinger: I like that one.

[00:42:17] Gabriel Mizrahi: My fiance and I got engaged this past weekend on her birthday, but we've only told some family and a few close friends. Since the start of our relationship, we've kept it 100 percent private after agreeing that we didn't feel like it was something the whole world needed to know. We want our relationship to be focused on us, not on the image of the relationship that we convey online. That being said, it's brought up a larger question about sharing. How do you balance sharing life updates with your network to provide an engagement point for weak or dormant ties? Is there certain information that's better to share than others or is not sharing it all and reaching out personally a better approach? My gut tells me that it's up to me to decide, but I wanted to get additional input from someone who's thought deeply about networking and relationships. Thanks for the help. Signed, Close to the Vest or Keep Them Abreast.

[00:43:03] Jordan Harbinger: Well, first of all, congrats on getting engaged. That is super exciting. Nothing like a pan-D proposal to perk up those pan-D vibes. And now you get to plan a wedding that doesn't happen. I have hand sanitizer at every table. Nice. You're absolutely right. This is totally up to you. And there's no right way to handle this. I have this friend back in Australia. She got married, had a baby, didn't post any of it to social media because she wanted to keep it special. We caught up recently and I had no idea so much had happened in her life, which kind of felt like I was out of the loop. But it was also much more fun for her to be able to tell me one-on-one. Then I've got friends who post everything on social media, and then I get to comment with a bunch of dumb emojis and feel like I'm part of their life, which I really enjoy. But then it sort of becomes that commodified life update thing that you're talking about. So there are tradeoffs either way. 

[00:43:51] I think you're right. This really does come down to how you want to feel about your life updates. If sharing big news makes you feel more connected, more loved, prouder of your accomplishments, I think that's probably only a good thing. But if you feel like it's tipping over into shameless self-promotion or superficial networking, maybe dial it back a little. Change, how you're sharing, how often you do it. If you ever feel like sharing these life updates is taking something away from your experience somehow. And being super public about your engagement makes you feel like this isn't really your and your fiance's life, it's totally fine not to do it at all. No one's making you, even if it feels that way sometimes. 

[00:44:27] You do have another option, which is you don't post anything when something big happens. So you get to enjoy that period where your engagement or your wedding or whatever is just for you and your inner circle. And then three or six months later, you post a little update being like, so this happened a while back and it's been awesome. Just wanted to share the good news with you guys. Maybe that's the best of both worlds. But I think you're right. Certain types of information might be better to share than others. Maybe you don't post about your engagement, but you do post about a new job, or maybe you don't post about your first child, but you do post about your second one. We all know the second kid doesn't matter as much — kidding, or maybe I'm not kidding. Maybe I'll find out when we pop out a sequel in the J squad franchise, hopefully coming soon. We'll see. Again, totally up to you. 

[00:45:12] Now, if you dial back on the sharing and you notice that your networking takes a hit as a result, I would just put in a little extra to make up for it. A little extra effort. Maybe you spend an extra hour each week communicating with people one-on-one, maybe you schedule a few more Zooms, barf, or you spend a little more time and your DMS to stay in touch. That's what I do. I know that it's less efficient than posting a closeup of your engagement ring on Insta and smashing that heart button. But it could also allow you to share those updates in a way that feels a little bit more genuine and definitely keep an eye on those dormant ties. You can absolutely keep those relationships alive without posting freaking dash cam footage of your proposal.

[00:45:49] In fact, none of the exercises in Six-Minute Networking require you to be all over social media. It's mostly about personal one-on-one communication. So if you haven't checked out the course yet, I think that'll be a great tool for you. But bottom line, do what feels meaningful to you and keep investing in your relationships one-on-one. If you do that, the amount you share online, it'll be the least important part of your networking and relationship development. So congrats again, and good luck. 

[00:46:17] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Go back and check out the John Brennan and Steve Madden episodes if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I managed to book all these amazing folks on the show, it's always about my network, which is always about systems and tiny habits. Because who has time? Check out our Six-Minute Networking course. The course is free. It's over on the Thinkific platform. Jordanharbinger.com/course is where that's at the problem with kicking the can down the road, doing it later, you can't make up for lost time when it comes to relationships and networking. I see that mistake a lot. You got to dig the well before you get thirsty. They take just a few minutes a day, these drills do. Ignore it at your own peril. Jordanharbinger.com/course. 

[00:46:58] A link to the show notes for the episode are always@jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in those show notes. There's a video of this Feedback Friday episode, going up on the YouTube channel at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. I'm at @JordanHarbinger on both Twitter and Instagram or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi or on Instagram at @GabrielMizrahi. 

[00:47:20] This show is created an association with PodcastOne., My amazing team is Jen Harbinger, Jase Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi Keeps sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions, and those of our guests are their own. And I am a lawyer as you know, but I am not your lawyer, as you should know. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. 

[00:48:03] We've got a trailer of our interview with Malcolm Gladwell, which is pretty timely right now. We'll discuss why the information we gather from face-to-face human interaction isn't as uniquely valuable as we think it is and why television can actually make us worse at reading other people. Check out episode 256 of The Jordan Harbinger Show. 

[00:48:23] Malcolm Gladwell: Young African-American woman is in Texas, just has a job interview in a rural Texas town, Sandra Bland. And she's pulled over by a white police officer.

[00:48:30] Police officer: Hello, ma'am. 

[00:48:30] Malcolm Gladwell: They have a conversation. 

[00:48:32] Police officer: You mind putting out your cigarette, please? 

[00:48:33] Malcolm Gladwell: It quickly escalates. 

[00:48:35] Police officer: I will remove you. I'm giving you a lawful order.

[00:48:37] Sandra Bland: Okay, you're going to yank me out of the car. 

[00:48:40] Police officer: Get out.

[00:48:41] Malcolm Gladwell: Drags her out of the car. 

[00:48:42] Police officer: I will light you up! Get out! Now!

[00:48:44] Sandra Bland: He knocked my head in the ground. I got epilepsy. 

[00:48:44] Malcolm Gladwell: She's put in prison. And three days later, she committed suicide in her cell. If she's in an Audi, her chances of being pulled over are lower. And if she's in an Audi with Texas plates, she's fine. Most of all, if she's white, there's no way he's pulling her over. And as I described in the book, all of those inferences are deeply problematic. 

[00:49:03] We have enormous confidence in our ability to draw meaningful conclusions about people based on very superficial evidence. Even though the plots of Friends are absurdly complex. No one in history has ever watched an episode of Friends and said, "They lost me."

[00:49:18] Jordan Harbinger: What is going on in the show? 

[00:49:20] Malcolm Gladwell: Never happened. They do that because they're trained actors. If you watch a lot of TV, you can come to the false impression, but that's what's going on in your face. But truth, that's not true at all. And a significant number of people are what are called mismatched. And that is that their facial expressions under certain circumstances do not match the way they feel on the inside. 

[00:49:40] The Amanda Knox case, an American teenager who goes a year abroad in Italy and gets falsely accused of murdering her roommate. And that case is all about the fact that Amanda Knox is mismatched. They have another guy who clearly did it, and they dragged her in. Why? Because she doesn't behave the way the Italian police and the British tabloid press thinks someone whose roommate has been murdered ought to behave. We are sending people jail for years and years and years for crimes they had nothing to do with.

[00:50:07] Jordan Harbinger: Kids. I mean, she was like a college student, right?

[00:50:09] Malcolm Gladwell: A college student, yeah.

[00:50:10] Jordan Harbinger: For more from Malcolm Gladwell, including how the misunderstandings between people and cultures invite conflict — I told you this was timely — check out episode 256 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.