182: How to Overcome Your Fear of Driving | Feedback Friday

Transcript for How to Overcome Your Fear of Driving - Feedback Friday (Episode 182)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on The Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And this week we had Zvi Band talking about networking systems and automation among other things. He's the founder of Contactually, a software that I use all the time to manage like 1,400 relationships. And we had a deep dive on blaming others and yourself for that matter with Gabriel Mizrahi, that was the other episode this week, talking about not only the dangers of blaming other people but also why we can't simply take all the blame ourselves, which is a solution that many of us come to with accountability, which actually has its own set of issues that make it harder or impossible to solve the problem itself. And this is a good one for both in the workplace but also especially in your personal life. So go back and listen to those two episodes this week if you haven't already.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:52] Also, as you know, I write every so often on the blog. The latest post is how to keep going when your purpose makes you miserable. In other words, how to persevere if indeed you should even do that when the thing that you thought was your calling or your purpose or your passion turns out to be just as awful as any other job and that happens to anyone who is successful in turning their hobby into a career. And I know I've certainly been through that myself and I go through that myself. So this piece has gotten a lot of great feedback online as well. That's at jordanharbinger.com/articles, it’s where all those are. So make sure you've had a look and a listen there this week to all that stuff that we produced for you. We worked so hard.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:30] Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guests and our experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations more or less directly with you. That's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us on friday@jordanharbinger.com. Man, Jason, did I tell you I went to a maximum-security prison?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:47] I heard you are going to do something crazy like that. How did that go?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:51] Dude, it was -- this was life-changing and I don't mean that like, wow, my colon cleanse was life-changing. You know the yoga class was a life-changer. This is a maximum-security prison in California and I went with this organization and it was me and a bunch of other entrepreneurs and a lot of these guys, 75 percent life sentences by the way at Kern Correctional Facility. And we walk in there and there's a bunch of guys that have done in the past some pretty horrible stuff and have now been in there for so long that they're just not even the same person they were when they went in. A lot of them have business ideas and they're training for jobs. So we did like mock job interviews. We did like, not quite like a shark tank, but they told us their pitch for their business and we critiqued it. We also had fun stuff happening, like a lip-sync contest. And it was just absolutely a blast. And I'm literally partnered up with this guy who was in MS-13 and he's telling me like how he's been in prison for 12 years and he's 27.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:56] That's crazy.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:57] It was just crazy. Yeah. And he's like, "I think I'm worried when I get out. You know, I got to have all these tattoos removed." And I was like, "Hey, the good news is now having full sleeve tattoos and neck tattoos and all this stuff on your head is not quite as gauche as it was in the '90s or whatever."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:17] Yeah that's true.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:17] "You know, you just look like a barista in Brooklyn or a tattoo artist or something like that, except you know, you're going to have to cover up some of the--" This guy literally had tattoos on his neck of like killing people. And I was like, "You're going to want to blend those into something else or have those removed."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:34] Yeah, definitely.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:35] "You're going to want to have your finger tats removed because those are so clearly really vicious gang tats. But everything else like, you'll be all right. Grow your hair out a little bit." And he's like, "Yeah, some of these I have to remove for safety concerns." And I was like, "Oh, yeah, I didn't even think about that." Like some of the stuff is just -- the wrong person sees it and it's very clear that you are on the wrong side of the tracks.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:57] So I have a question about how does a person with a life sentence actually starts a business?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:03] Yeah. So life sentence, you usually get paroled at some point.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:06] Okay.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:07] And a lot of people who have sentences for armed robbery or other violent crime, they don't get more than a few years or they get a dozen years or 15 years or something like that before parole or before they're released. And so a lot of them, they want to get out and they want to get jobs. So they want to get out and they want to start a business. And a lot of them had really good ideas. You know, one guy was like, "Hey, this might be a dumb idea, but I see on TV and back in my old neighborhood, there was junk everywhere people had in their attic. They had it in the basement, they had it in the front yard that had it in the backyard. It was around the neighborhood. So what I'm going to do is get a truck and people can call me and I'll go pick up the junk and I'll recycle. I'll sell it for scrap or I'll take it to the dump." And I was like, "Not only is this a really good idea, it's a formula $400-million company in 1-800-GOT-JUNK." And he was like, "Oh." And I was like, "Don't be disappointed. It's a franchise. You know, you're on to something. You had such a good idea that my friend runs 1-800-GOT-JUNK. And it's just an absolutely super profitable business." So there were other guys that just had ideas that weren't as good, but you get where their heads at. Because unless you can google and do research, which you cannot if you're in prison, then you don't know that like fiberglass melts necessarily. So I want to make a fiberglass shell that goes around houses so that they can't catch fire. And I was like, that's a good idea kind of except fiberglass melts.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:31] That is true.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:31] So there were other -- and he's like, "Oh man, I thought that would be great because it'd be kind of a clear and you can put it over the wood." And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I see where your head's at. It's just logistical stuff. But the creativity was there." So it was fascinating and a lot of those guys had a lot of pain, man. We heard a lot of their life stories and they were saying like, I made bad choices. I was like, look, I appreciate the accountability, but when you're eight and one parent kills another and you go live with your cousins and they've got eight brothers and sisters and half of them are in gangs and you're rolling around with them because there's no adult in the house. And the other adult that was in the house is incarcerated and so your gang-member siblings or cousins are getting killed. So you carry a gun to protect yourself. Then someone tries to kill you and you kill them instead and now you're in prison. It's like, well, okay, there were choices there. Like you could have just been like, I'm going to be a living embodiment of an after-school special and stay in the library and graduate. Or you could be like -- I'm thinking, what choice would I have made? And the answer is not. I would not have gone to the library and stayed away from all the trouble. I would have carried a gun and joined the gang.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:35] Yup, absolutely.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:36] Yes. You made choices. Did you make choices that 99.9 percent of other humans would have made in the exact same circumstances? Yes. It's a little more forgivable at that point, in my opinion. But for the grace of God go I, right? Like you see, okay, so I just kind of won the birth lottery and so I'm not in prison with fake teeth that -- because, you know, their teeth are all knocked out from fighting or they just had bad dental care. And some of these guys were in solitary confinement for like 10, 20 years at a time. So they're not doing so good emotionally.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:13] Yeah. That'll, that'll mess you up.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:14] Yeah, it was, it was pretty intense. I definitely plan on going back to the prison. I've got some, some ideas on this and I don't know, maybe we'll run an event that's open to the public. I don't even know how this would work. I mean, I'm thinking about, I'm like, wow, if I talk about this on the show, people are going to want to go.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:33] Yeah. I want to go.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:34] I know everybody I've told is like, "How do I do this?" So I want to see what other opportunities there might be to take people to certain prisons, especially here in California. Kern is really far. It's three hours in the middle of nowhere near Bakersfield but it's probably the closest one to a city because I was looking at Pelican Bay, which is where they HQ this program, this Hustle 2.0 program that my friend Cat Hoke runs. And Pelican Bay is like six and a half hours away from San Francisco. It's on the border of Oregon and California. These are not easily accessible, which is probably the idea, just saying.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:12] Yeah, I think that's really what they're going for there. You don't really want to put that in the middle of San Francisco. I mean they did it with Alcatraz, but they did have a moat.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:19] They did. They did. It's too bad that there's not a more convenient prison location because I would love to do this on the regular. But man, Kern is just so far. There's just not a whole lot of opportunity to do it. And you know what? When I was in law school, I worked at a juvenile detention facility helping those kids and it was super rewarding. I mean it's easy to think that everybody in prison is like a horrible human being and that's just not the case.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:42] There are a few, but you know, there are a lot of good people who really want to fix themselves and get out and be normal, productive members of society.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:51] Yeah, there are a few for sure. I mean this prison, Kern had 3,500-plus inmates and 75 percent had life sentences. Even if there were a 50 percent margin of error, which I hope to God there is not, that's still a lot of people in there that earned their way in by not following the rules.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:08] Anyway, Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:12] Hi, Jordan, and Jason. Congrats on the success in the transition from the old company. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and recently moved in together. We make a great couple and I believe we'll end up together. The only thing we fight over is spending time apart. She insists that when we socialize, we socialize together as a couple and she gets upset when I suggest social time alone. Am I asking too much to have some social freedom? Sincerely, Premature Ball and Chain.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:09:36] Yeah, so this one is interesting for me because I don't have the same experience with Jen, but I see a lot of my friends that do and I feel bad for them because -- you're not asking for too much here. You need to have a conversation probably more than once and it should be an ongoing dialogue about what you like to do, why you need this social time alone. Because to you, it's time to recharge, focused on others, focus on relationships with friends. And to her being alone, working on your social life this might/probably in my gut here signifies some sort of weakening of their relationship. She feels like you're choosing other people over her or maybe she's reliant on you for social contact, et cetera. And over time if left unchecked, this will actually damage your relationship with her because you'll feel trapped, you'll feel smothered. This will lead to resentment and then so in a way it backfires if you don't get it handled. It blows up in her face and yours for that matter. Congrats on moving in together. Now is the time to get this sort of thing out in the open. Actually, the time was as soon as you saw the problem, but I get it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:49] Reassure her that spending time with friends alone is not the same thing as abandoning her and you both need to be on the same page with that. If you're not, this problem will be like water and a sidewalk crack that freezes every time. You can't go hang out with other people or every time that you do and she's upset about it and you got to focus on these relationships in the way that you want to. And eventually, that ice in that crack pushes the concrete apart in a way that's very hard to repair. And that's what's going to happen to your relationship if you're not careful.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:19] And the last bit of advice here is that these types of problems are easier to fix than earlier on in the relationship that you address them. Because later on if you say, "Hey, this doesn't mean that." She's like, "Great, I got to undo five years of programming with my ex-boyfriend and now three years of programming with you or whatever." As time goes on, this just gets harder and harder. So if you start handling it now, it'll most likely get easier over time as you build trust with her and your relationship grows stronger, which won't happen automatically. I know it's tempting to think like, "Oh, the longer we get to know each other, the more she'll trust." That's not necessarily how this is going to work. What this won't do is fix itself, so don't chicken out on this. If you need help addressing it, go get a therapist and then go in for a check and talk about it. You can go in alone for the first time and then bring your girlfriend the second time, but don't wait. This is not going to fix itself. Trust me. Been there, done that and it does not get easier the longer you wait.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:15] All right, next step.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:16] Hey, Triple J. I became a mother at a young age and spent my early to mid-20s staying at home to care for my three children. I eventually got licensed as a cosmetologist in barber, which I've been doing successfully for the past nine years. Two years ago, I opened my own one-woman barbershop and it's afforded me an income I didn't think was possible without an education. However, I don't have benefits such as retirement or health insurance. This keeps me up at night and I don't see barbering as a viable means to provide income as I age for various reasons. I also vehemently don't wish to explore further business opportunities in this industry. My children are blossoming and getting older and therefore less dependent on me. I'm considering going back to school to get credentialed in marriage and family therapy since I do it on my job anyway and I'm quite good. You wouldn't believe all the things people share with their barber or stylist. The process would be cumbersome and long since I would have to start at the very beginning and do it part-time while also working and mothering. I have major anxiety about taking math but also think I would enjoy learning and would feel a great deal of pride upon finishing as well as setting a positive example for my daughters. If it took eight years to finish, would this journey be ROI positive considering the expense time and beginning a new career in my mid-40s. Also to be noted, I receive a lot of unwanted attention, at times very inappropriate from some clients. As a therapist, would it be worse? Signed, Ready to Move On From the Salon.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:36] Well, I certainly can sympathize with this with a career shift and making that scary. If you finish your certification and you're in your mid-40s you will be working, let's say another 20-plus years, right? 20-plus years doing something you enjoy that pays more versus 30-plus more years as a barber. Not sure if you can retire. Not sure if you enjoy it. Eight years is a long time. I get that, but it's not like you won't be getting practice in that area and working towards something that you enjoy. It will make the existing barber career more palatable as well because you know you're heading for a change at some point. And don't worry about taking math classes, taking courses, pass-fail is almost always an option. I mean it was when I was in school, I assume they have not changed for this and you can get a tutor and pass for sure. Math is scary for a lot of people, including myself, but whenever I've had to take a math course in the past, I just get a tutor and I ended up in the top half or top third of the class, anyway. It's just a ton more work. But you know, you get it done. It's over. I don't know how much, I don't know how many math courses you have for therapy. Probably just have to certify it like the algebra level or something. There can't be that much. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if you can practice a career for more than the amount of time it took you to get certified in that career, it's a win. Also, even if you go to school for it and you decide you don't like it, that is also valuable information because you know you're not missing out on something that could have been the perfect career for you or whatever.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:01] A lot of people are afraid to try new careers because they're afraid that they won't like that new career, which kills the dream and this thought pattern keeps them stuck where they are, which is particularly scary. It's particularly dangerous and I'm all too familiar with that as well. Last but not least, it sounds like some of your clients are hitting on you, I guess. Is that what I'm, that's what I'm taking from your comment about unwanted attention and I assume they're not just complimenting your barber's skills to the point where you're embarrassed so sure. I'm sure there are therapists listening who will say, "I get hit on. It's unbelievable." But for the most part, I think there's another level of respect for your marriage and family therapist. I would hope versus your hairstylist where you think like, "Oh, I'm alone in this chair and she's pretty cute." I don't know if that's the case, whether this common or whether this should be the case as a different story, but I would say that you're probably less likely to get unwanted attention as a therapist than you are as a hairdresser or a barber. Besides if you do, you'll be equipped to handle this as part of the therapy instead of just having the rest of the haircut be super awkward. You know you'll get tools for that. So best of luck on your new career. I think you should go for it. At least try it out and see if this is something you're in for. Because eight years is a long time, but I'm sure you'll be glad that you're moving forward because that always feels good.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:18] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:21] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:24] Whether you need an online portfolio for your freelance gig, a hub for your business, or a place to archive all your podcast's show notes, there are still plenty of reasons to own your own website in this day and age and the biggest reason might just be controlled over what shows up first when people google your name. As a top behavioral profiler, Chase Hughes has pointed out, when we had him here on the show, people are hard-wired to respond to authority. So if your website is one of the first things they see when they're looking for you online, your credibility and authority instantly skyrocket. And HostGator around since 2002 can get your website online easily and affordably today. HostGator allows you to choose from over 100 mobile-friendly templates so your site will look great on any device, smartphones, tablets, desktops, et cetera. And if you want to use WordPress for your site, it only takes one click. Add-on options are plentiful so you can do things like integrate with PayPal and allow customers to buy directly from you or increase your search engine visibility without being an expert in SEO. You'll also get a guaranteed 99.9 percent uptime guarantee and HostGator's support team is here to help you with any issues you might experience 24/7 365. And don't worry about all this break-in the bank. HostGator is giving our wonderful listeners up to 62 percent off all packages for new users with a 45-day complete money-back guarantee. Just go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:41] This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Is there something that interferes with your happiness or is it preventing you from achieving your goals? Well, counseling, you've heard us talk a lot, a lot on the show about therapy and counseling. Better Help is online counseling and they offer licensed professional counselors who are specialized in certain issues like depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, self-esteem, and more of course. You can connect with your professional counselor. It's all online. It's all safe. It's all confidential. It's really convenient obviously you don't have to go somewhere and park and sit in the waiting room and all this stuff. Go get that help at your own time, at your own pace. They've got secure or phone video sessions, there's chat, there are texts. And, of course, if you don't like your counselor, you can just next it and get a new one. No additional charge on that. And we've got a truly affordable option for our listeners. Get 10 percent off your first month with the discount code JORDAN, betterhelp.com/jordan. Fill out a little questionnaire, get your needs met, and get a counselor you love. Betterhelp.com/jordan

Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:41] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review on iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just go on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:05] All right, next.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:06] Hi, Jordan, and Team. So here's my problem. I don't mean to brag, but I'm considered an attractive guy in my late 20s. I have a stable job that pays well. I'm outgoing and have a sense of humor. I also like to go out to meet people is I like to branch out and know different people in different fields. However, I often find myself hiding the fact that I'm in a relationship when I meet new people, especially girls, as I feel that being single is an asset most of the time. Girls seem to be more willing to hang out and invite me to events. Being an Asian-based in Asia, I can tell you almost everyone in this age group is looking for someone to settle down with. While I have no intention of dating around and I don't flirt with them, I also feel like I would jinx my chances of making a friend more easily if I let them know my status. But as the hangout progresses, I often feel like I need to let them know, but I often feel like it's a very douchey, "I know you're into me, but this ship has sailed" kind of assumption or they might feel kind of tricked because I withheld this information. Is there any way to keep the intrigue that girls have when they think of guys single without having to throw it out there right away? Also, I really like to hang out with people one on one, both guys and girls. I feel the conversations are deeper and less hindered so you can get to know the person better. However, I sometimes think that grabbing dinner or drinks with a girl alone isn't the most appropriate thing. Even when there's no ill intent, I also don't want to make my girlfriend jealous or suspicious because there isn't really anything to it but inevitably it will come to that. Is there a way that I can hang out with girls one-on-one without raising any issues or do I just have to accept the fact that I can no longer hang out with girls alone ever again? To quote, when Harry met Sally, "Men and women can never be friends." Signed, An Unconvinced Harry.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:42] Hmm, I get this, I get this. When meeting someone new, especially if you're doing this for social or business, it is kind of cool if they're like not sure, right? Because you don't know their agenda. So if you're in your 20s and you're going out with a bunch of girls, it's great if they're kind of able to evaluate whether they like you and then they get a little bit attracted and then if they find out you have a girlfriend, unless they're really hooked on that agenda, they'll probably still be friends with you. They'll be like, "Oh, well, whatever." And they'll become friends with you. That's how I made a huge number of friends back in the day. I also make friends now that I'm married, so it doesn't really matter, but I can see that it's easier at that age to be single. And I do think it's a little tricky depending on how long you keep this going, though. If you let people know sooner rather than later, then I think it's totally fine. And yes, of course, men can hang out with women and be friends and all that. I totally believe that. It just has to be that the agenda has to be on the table, right? Or the cards have to be on the table and the agenda has to be pretty clear. You can't have one person that's like, "Yeah, we're friends," but secretly wants to bang the other person or become more significant than a friend.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:51] So the rule here is anytime you think somebody wants something from you that you can't give, you have a responsibility to let them know in a polite way. It doesn't have to be like, "I saw you smile at me, but I'm taken. Sorry to ruin your day." But up to the point where you find: one, they're flirting with you or the rapport is getting deeper. Or two, you start to feel that guilt, then it's time to work in that you're not single. You can pull the whole, "Yeah. My girlfriend and I were thinking about checking out this restaurant. Do you want to head out there?" At some point, she can't make it. That's fine. And the way that you can do this is less awkward. You can preempt it. While you're meeting and hanging out with people if you sense things going in that direction. Ask them in a polite way if they're single and then tell them, do you have a friend that they might like, and this way they can find out you're in a relationship but not immediately get too disappointed. And if you don't have a friend they might like, you can do the same thing and say, "Yeah, I'm always on the lookout to hook up my friends. So I just want to know what category to put you in." That way they maybe not immediately disappointed. You get the best of both worlds here and you can hook them up with somebody if you have that option.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:58] I think men and women can be friends. Of course, everyone has to be on the same page and you have to be honest with your intentions. They have to be honest with theirs. You don't have to throw away all the benefits of being an attractive guy who's on the market just because you're no longer on the market. You just have to be careful not to mislead anyone. And now, you know how women feel by the way. This happens to them a lot more than it happens to us that much, I'll guarantee. Right? Like girls going, "Oh my boyfriend --" There's a funny video. Jason, have you seen that one? It's this English comedian and he sees a girl carrying like a fish tank and then he's talking with her and he's like, "Oh Hey, how are you doing?" She's like, "Oh yeah, my boyfriend and I are moving." And he just drops the fish tank and it explodes. And then another girl was like, "Oh, something, something." He's gotten this dog and she's like, "Yeah, my fiance and I --" And he punts the dog. It's so --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:51] Oh, God.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:51] Yes, it's horrible for that reason, but it's so funny, dude. I got to find this video. We'll link it in the show notes. This is how someone feels when they're flirting with you and they have an agenda and they're not really just being nice. It's such a funny video. We'll link to that in the show notes here. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:08] Hey, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. I'm a 24-year-old woman and currently working in the mines of Northern Alberta, Canada. I make just in the six-figure mark and work a seven-days-on, seven-days-off shift. Awesome except that I have to fly to work and stay in camp while I'm there and it's really starting to affect me mentally as well as my personal life. The work is static and mindless. I really want to travel and I'm thinking about doing a gap year with the money I've saved up approximately $30,000 aside from another 30,000 I saved in my pension. Is it irresponsible for me to drop everything and go? I've done yoga certifications and I'm a leader at the studio back home and that's where I plan to go when I get back from my year away. I also plan on going back to school for psychology with an eye on counseling. Any advice on how I should go about this or if I'm making a mistake leaving my six-figure job? Thanks, Too Much Too Young.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:55] Interesting question. And you know these mines, we actually have a lot of people who work in mines, oil sands, oil rigs. Podcasters must be really popular with that kind of crew because they probably have crap service up in the Northern part of Canada.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:09] Yeah. You're out in the middle of nowhere. You can load up your iPod before you head up to the mines.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:25:14] That's right. Yeah. And when we were on satellite, we had a ton because I think it was like the only radio they got up there. So I understand that much. Your sanity is almost never worth trading for money. I say almost because sometimes -- well actually it's never worth trading for money. I guess sometimes you feel like you have to do it because the consequences are that you're broke and you can't take care of yourself or other people in your family, which would really make you more stressed and destroy your sanity in another way. If you had kids, if you had to take care of someone financially other than yourself, I get it. But in this situation, it is 100 percent not worth it. You're 24, now is the best time to travel in your 20s the fact that you can afford it is fantastic. Do it. You can absolutely do a killer world trip with that amount of money and it will be life-changing. You probably even still have some leftover depending on how you go. Teaching yoga when you get back obviously will not pay as much, at least not at first, but if you love it, you love it. There's plenty of time to re-certify and do other things as well, like that psychology and counseling degree you were looking at, which you could turn into practice and make just as much if not more than you make in the mines in Alberta and also not be in a camp with a bunch of smelly dudes hitting life, spending your days trying to get cell phone service in sub-zero temperatures or whatever. It's like maybe it's really cool up there, right? Sorry, if you get to work up there in a camp and you like it and I'm stereotyping my bad, it just that's what I'm imagining sort of lumberjacky cabins with a lot of people watching DVD players and stuff like that, and killing time or reading books. Whenever we let go of the big paycheck, it is scary and it can be a sudden loss of income that really registers and is like a slap in the face.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:53] What we don't realize is that often by keeping that paycheck we're, we're slowly letting go of our sanity and quality of life by letting stress pile up. Long term that is far worse for us emotionally and physically and no amount of cash can buy you your 20s back and you can't purchase your way to emotional health either. I'm not saying you have to quit right away, but I think you've got a solid plan to go to school and take that gap year, and now is a great time to do just that. So keep in touch and keep us posted and make sure the show goes with you on your world tour.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:28] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this. This episode is sponsored in part by Calm. I love this app. Now, stress, as we know is a worldwide epidemic. We're working longer hours. We're inundated with the constant news cycle, but more connected than ever before. And stress is a part of life, but it can really affect our overall wellbeing and we've all heard like a billion podcasts on mindfulness. It's actually one of the topics that sort of -- I won't say banned from The Jordan Harbinger Show. I just think like, okay, we get it. You know, we get mindfulness, but most of us are not actually doing it and that's why we've partnered with Calm. It's the number one app to help you reduce your anxiety and stress. It helps you sleep better. More than 40 million people around the world are downloading this app. If you had to calm.com/jordan, you'll get 25 percent off a Calm Premium subscription, calm.com/jordan. They got guided meditations on anxiety, stress, focus, including a brand new meditation each day. What I really love as well is there are sleep stories and these are bedtime stories for adults designed to help you relax so you can go to these lavender fields of Southern France with Stephen Fry. And if he knows Stephen Fry has got this kind of like very iconic voice or Leona Lewis will take you to the moonlit jungles of Africa, which to me just sounds dangerous, but you know, some people want to go to sleep thinking about getting eaten by a leopard or maybe you're thinking about something else. I suppose you're probably not thinking about that if you're trying to go to sleep. But right now The Jordan Harbinger Show listeners get 25 percent off a Calm Premium subscription at calm.com/jordan that's C-A-L-M.com/jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:02] This episode is also sponsored by stamps.com. We have been using stamps for a really long time. stamps.com that is, of course, we've all been using stamps forever, but stamps.com is a new thing. Well, new-ish. No one has time to go to the post office, especially if you're self-employed. It's like got to be one of the -- nobody's got time for that. Ain't nobody got time for that. Traffic, parking, login in the mail, login in the packages, it is a legit hassle. And stamps.com is one of the most popular time-saving tools for small businesses. They eliminate trips to the post office, they save you money with discounts you can't even get at the post office. So you can do anything pretty much that you could do at the post office. You can print using your own computer, your own or print postage 24/7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it in the world. And once your mail is ready, you just hand it to your mail carrier, which I'm sure they love. I'm sure they love that. Or you drop it into a mailbox. It's really simple. And with stamps.com you get 5 cents off every first-class stamp and up to 40 percent off priority mail. And it's a fraction of the cost of buying a postage meter for your home or for your business. So join 700,000 small businesses at stamps.com and, of course, we're giving you a four-week trial plus free postage and the scale will give it to you for free. Well, we're not. They're giving it to you, but they'll give it to you for free. Go to stamps.com click the microphone at the top of the home page and type in JORDAN that stamps.com. Click on the mic and enter code JORDAN for a four-week trial plus free postage and the free digital scale. No long-term commitment.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:30] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you're listening to this in Overcast on iOS, please click that little star next to the episode. We really appreciate it. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:51] All right, Jason, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:53] Dear, Jordan, and Jason, I'm a 30-year-old city girl who's had a driver's license for only a few years, but don't drive. My husband's been trying to get me to drive for two years since I moved in with him in New Jersey. Rationally, I know I should learn for various reasons like independence or in case of emergency, but I'm so scared I'll hurt someone with the car. I took on a few more driving lessons and felt calm driving when I had the instructor on 25 to 45 mile an hour roads. However, driving with my husband in the car is a totally different story. One time I hit someone's car in a parking lot. Since then, I've been really nervous after a few months of a break, I'm now back to practicing again. I wonder if you have any advice on how to overcome my fear and anxiety towards driving. Thank you so very much and looking forward to more amazing content from your team. Sincerely yours, Worst Driver in America.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:39] All right. That's pretty bad. Yikes. Look, I'd like to think anyone can learn how to drive. I'm pretty sure that that's true, but whether or not there's ROI here is a different story. Driving is something that is useful, especially here in the States where public transport is really bad, but we now have Uber and Lyft. This isn't something you really need to do. If you can tell, you don't want to, and yes, there's a greater issue here about anxiety and getting rid of anxiety through practice. Of course, the answer here is to take a lot of driving lessons with a private instructor. Don't simply practice on your own and don't simply practice in the car while your husband yells and screams at you if he does that. I feel like many husbands do. That doesn't help at all. And that said, if you're hitting people's cars in the parking lot and you live in a city and you're worried you're going to damage other cars, you're going to hurt someone you probably should not drive. You have a very high chance in a city of getting into an accident where you get hurt, others get hurt, or there's significant property damage to your car, other cars, fixed or stationary property. This damage will long-term be much, much more expensive than walking and biking short trips and paying for Lyft and Uber or taking public transport for longer trips. In fact, depending on your commute to work, there's a good chance that taking Lyft and Uber on the days where you need a car is going to be cheaper than a car payment and car insurance, especially if your insurance premiums go through the roof because you've run over mailboxes and signs and dogs and kids. And I don't see why anyone in the city has in this day and age has to be able to drive. Yeah, of course, it's good for emergencies. This is otherwise an antiquated idea, especially since you're living in a city on the East Coast and you're much more likely to cost more money and be more dangerous than simply calling Uber and Lyft when you really need to drive somewhere, and I know that it's probably not what you were hoping for, but if you do the math on this one, it just does not make sense.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:35] The bigger message in this question is that we should be thinking about the ways in which we invest our time and money. Are we doing things just because that's how they've always been done or because that's what people say should be done? Is there a reason? For example, for many people, it doesn't make sense to purchase a home, but somehow homeownership, it's American as Apple pie. Even if financially it sometimes just does not make as much sense as renting. There are a lot of little things we feel we have to do even if the logic behind those ideas is not sound, was never sound, is outdated, or simply doesn't make sense for us any longer, so buckle up in your case and let someone else do the driving. I think unless you are really hell-bent on learning how to drive, in which case you need to get it solid tutelage so that it's easy for you. This is not something you should be sort of faking it until -- you're 30. This isn't something that you just tried twice and are bad at it. That's a problem. This is lethal for you or for others and very expensive. When you hit things, I don't really get why you need to do it. If you're not good at it, you shouldn't do it in this case.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:39] And all the other drivers on the road will thank you.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:41] Yeah, and all the other drivers on the road. Thank you. Exactly. All right. What's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:47] Hey, Triple J. I have an update. Thank you so much for your previous advice. My neighbors have pulled through and found the owner whose dog attacked my dog. My dog got attacked two months ago. The owner ditched the scene and I posted some signs and someone finally came back stating that they saw them. They sent me photos and the license plate and I confirmed that it was the same owner and dog that attacked my dog. What should I do next? Should I approach it face-to-face and ask him to pay the veterinary bills? If I can find this address via license plate somehow or should I go straight to filing a civil case for the cost of my dog's veterinary care, which was $1,000. Thanks a bunch. Signed, Could I Have Done More From Episode 161.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:23] So normally I'd say just address this person to person. The issue here is you said he fled the scene and I know you said you didn't file a police report. Now is the time. In fact, it's pretty late, but maybe not impossible to file a report. You need to do this regardless of what the next step is, so just go ahead and do that. He's not going to get arrested for this per se, but you need this to prove property damage to your dog -- which it's weird but your dog is your property -- you need that to prove to any insurance, et cetera. It's not like this is a local neighbor who feels bad and handed you his phone number right away. So you have to assume here that he is not going to be cooperative if he bounced and got the heck out of there as soon as that happened. And even if he were a police report doesn't necessarily blame him for a crime. It just reports the property damage. So don't feel bad doing it. Next time, do it right away after, of course, you take care of your dog. Once you file this report, then you can approach him for the bill if you think it's safe to do so. Don't go to his house. Don't go alone. Go with a friend who can witness his reaction. And if you want to approach this person, you might even be able to get the police to go with you after you filed a report, which should be safer. And you can say, "Look, I just want to go and talk to this person." And they might be like, "Hang on, you know, this could end poorly." So depending on the state you're in, you might want to also record the conversation. You've got to check the laws for this, but generally, you can record in a public place as long as one party knows what's happening. But this isn't necessarily true for every state and you might need permission from the venue to record, et cetera. If you plan on calling him on the phone and you're not doing this in person, you can record the call. But again, check on state law and see if one or both parties need to consent to this. This can be under eavesdropping statutes or potentially wiretapping statutes, depends on which state you're in. Again, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So you got to check the law just in case because, in places like California, both parties need to consent, which means you can't just unilaterally record a phone call. It's illegal. And if he cooperates, great, he should. If he doesn't, then you can file the suit and you have a police report, a witness who can -- of course your friend, a witness who could speak to you trying to handle this outside of court and possibly you have a recorded call showing how he handled the situation. All of this can only help your case, so keep us posted. It's very cool. You found the guy, what are the odds? You have good neighbors and hopefully, he just says, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Let me help you. Let me meet you halfway. Let me pay for this." You know, you might have trouble with a civil suit, but if you do, it's better to have the police essentially on your side or at least having documented what happened

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:03] and having the police on your side is going to make it a lot easier to find him from a license plate number instead of having to go to say a private investigator and pay them so then you're out of pocket even more. So, yeah, take that license plate to the police.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:15] Exactly. We also got to follow up on the hoarder question from episode 179 a previous Feedback Friday and this is from Genevieve. She actually has personal experience from this and yes, she didn't need to be anonymous in this one, so that's why we used her name so don't worry. We always keep everyone anonymous unless we're told otherwise.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:35] Hoarders won't change until they're ready. Period. Even with help. She said it took her aunt 20 years in the loss of her two sons and husband to be ready to ditch the mess. They're still working on it, but she really got a lot of good advice. One tip or a few tips here, get the hoarders out of the house because they don't realize the energy suck being around all that stuff and it's a good sign if you can get them out of the house that they're no longer comfortable being there and if they never leave your case, it will be more difficult. You should also encourage sobriety in subtle ways, financial woes, drug, and alcohol dependency. They all compound that stuff and so don't be an enabler. That sort of goes into the next tip, which is be aware of fringe enablers and don't be one. In this case, Genevieve's mom was saying things like, "Oh, don't you love this item? You should buy it." Because she couldn't afford the item herself and she wanted it and so she encouraged the hoarder to buy it, knowing that she would, so don't do that. Don't buy them gifts. Don't buy them stuff. You can and it is okay to voice concerns. Don't make it about the stuff though. Make it about the person, how it's affecting their health, fire hazards, fear of losing them because of it. That kind of stuff. Falling to you to clean up when they're gone, right? They could lose The house may be due to spending. That's the key. Not about all this crap. "I'll get all this garbage out of here." You can also lean on their ailing health, the aging, frequent falls. These are often good motivators for hoarders to clean up their act a little bit. Also, re-engaging them in the community. Many hoarders deep down have lost the will to live closely tied to depression, fear, scarcity mindset. If they've got outside relationships, they've got support, maybe even a support group that cloud could live somewhat and they may be ready for change. And of course, don't call them hoarders. Don't diagnose the problem to their face. Nobody will admit they're a hoarder. They might say, "Oh, I'm a little bit of a packrat." Even if there are nine to 10 on the hoarder scale. And once they're sort of onboard, which is the closest you'll ever get, you got to go for it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:33] Genevieve recommended Marie Kondo is the life-changing magic of tidying up. She read that before they started the process and it actually helped a lot. So we'll link to that in the show notes. And lastly, when they are ready, get professionals quick, do not do it by yourself. Genevieve said they barely made a dent in the 4,500 square foot hoard the first month when it was just her and her aunt. So you need to have impartial professional cleaning crews. So like 1-800-GOT-JUNK or whatever extreme hoarding crew can come in. A trusted friend, a therapist, family member, it is imperative because you need to get this done in a few days. The longer you drag it out, the more painful it is, the more the momentum wanes. And you might even end up with a full stalemate and then it's harder to get that snowball rolling down the hill in the future. So you're going to rip off that Band-Aid. And last but not least, they need to feel safe. The inside of their house is a physical manifestation of what's inside their head. There is real pain tied to those objects. To us, you know it's perceived in the but the brain real pain receptors around this stuff. So be ready for the roller coaster of emotions. Theirs and your own and have your therapy outlet there during the process or accessible during the process. Maybe even Better Help so that you can do some video chats or some texting stuff during the process would be helpful. And this is a serious thing. There's a lot of hoarding going on and it's more common than we think. I mean there's a reason they have like 17 seasons of the TV show and they never run out. Right? So it's a thing and it can be overcome, but it is not easy and hopefully, this helps. Thanks, Genevieve for that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:05] All right, last but not least, Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:07] Hello, J Cube. While listening to your recent show with Michelle Lederman. I had a light bulb moment when she discussed the abundance mindset. It really struck a chord with me. I'm usually a generous spirit, but I find myself consumed with jealousy and competitive ambitions when it comes to competition in my industry with peers of similar credentials. I work in a unique field where only a handful of us go up against each other in competition for clients and work. I know there's enough work for all of us and I know it should have more of an abundance mindset. I get it in theory. But how do you deal with competitiveness in real-time? Watching you go through your fall and rise of 2018 was inspiring and even when you're struggling with the uncertainty of growing a new show, you never cease to give recommendations for other podcasts. That's mind-blowing to me because while you're right that just because I listened to another show doesn't mean I would abandon yours. Don't you also consider the finiteness of your listeners' attention spans in time? Don't you worry that eventually, you're recommending so many shows for your listeners that it will sacrifice some of your downloads due to the time constraints of your listeners? Of course, you've thought about these. So how do you deal with that nagging feeling of wanting to win and having a leg up on your competitors? As usual, thank you for your advice. Sincerely, The Abundance Seeker.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:15] So I have of course thought about this. The trick is though I value trust over the number of downloads, right? So if you find Mind Pump a show that I think is a great fit for a lot of people who are into fitness and it's fun. The guys are great, they're good friends of mine. If you want to listen to that and then you're like, "Oh man, I skipped some of Jordan's interviews because I just don't have time to fit it all in." That's okay because when you do hear me, you trust me more because I recommended something else that you like. So to build that trust is better and it's better than having you be like, "Well I don't know what else is out there," and I'll occasionally get like a passive-aggressive sort of note from somebody that's like, "This interaction with you has caused me to look elsewhere and there's a lot of self-help out there," and I'm just like, "Yeah there is. Go find what you like. Oh, this isn't self-help anyway really." So I'd rather you get what's good for you. Then sort of feel like you're trapped in this ecosystem, right? It's kind of like in a relationship you don't want someone to think, well this is the only person that I could possibly get. You want them to be with you willingly. Same thing for this show. And I think recommending other shows and having them recommend me. If you find something, and you're like, "This is better for me because I'm focusing on let's say physical fitness and wellness right now and I'll come back to The Jordan Harbinger Show when I have time or later on or check the interviews," and you're more interested in that at the time. That's fine because I'm gaining more show fans I think by having other shows recommend me as well.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:43] So it's good everybody falls in where they need to be. The other thing is some shows I think, look, if you're listening to 10 interview podcasts, eventually you're going to go, "All right, well my favorite few are these," and I would like to think that we would be in that favorite pile. So this is in a way a meritocracy for what's good for your time as a listener. A rising tide lifts all boats. And I like to think that we're stepping up constantly so that we're the best and we keep our show fans, but we're always going to lose some people who are like, "Look, I'm focused on controlling my eating habits. So I listened to the eating habits podcast now, whatever." That's fine. I'm getting new show fans because of that cross-promo hopefully stems that loss. And again, generating that trust is more important to us than making sure that we keep every single person retain every single person because they don't know where to find other shows. So yeah, it's it, it's an abundance thing. It's hard to wrap your mind around.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:37] But even as a sales guy, I would say, look, if you're selling something and you know that your competitor's product is going to be better than the one you're selling, you should recommend your competitors product. It's going to be hard to do. Your boss is going to be like, "What are you doing?" That lead will always trust you because you worked against your own interest in theirs, and that's tough to do. But when you have real abundance, you will do that. And that trust will -- you'll have lifetime clients that you're working with because very few salespeople will step to that level and work at that level of integrity. So I tried to do that with pretty much everything, and sometimes it's not easy, but it's got to get done.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:15] All right. Life Pro Tip. When your Internet service provider or cable provider raises your bill call in and when that stupid automated thing answers you, say cancel service, you'll be sent to their retention team. And retention teams always have the authority pretty much to discount everything. So they'll usually take 10 to 20 bucks off your monthly bill for that year. Do this annually. With things like Comcast, there are people that do this every single year and you save hundreds of dollars, at least a couple of hundred bucks a year usually. And you can do this with pretty much any subscription type of service. Same thing goes for credit card interest rates. If you carry a balance, which I don't recommend doing, you can almost always negotiate that balance, especially when it's low, not the balance, sorry, the APR when it's low when you're close to paying it off or you have paid it off, If you're going to go on balance again, negotiate the APR then. And they'll usually be like, "Sure, why not?" Because you're not carrying a balance anyway. So if you negotiate that, then when you carry that balance, you have a lower interest rate. Trust me, you can often get 20, 24% down to like 11 or 12 or 14. It's very possible. The cost of them acquiring you as a customer is hundreds of dollars. So they're willing to forgo that in interest to not lose you as a client.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:29] Recommendation of the week. Why not home? This is incredible. This is a documentary about home birth. It's not going to interest everyone, but a lot of doctors who attend birth in hospitals are choosing to have their own babies at home. And I first was like, these are dumb, crazy hippies. And so I thought, all right, maybe before I sort of assumed that that's the case for everyone. I should look into this. And someone said, "Yeah, there's this at-home birth documentary that you can watch." It's pretty incredible to watch birth. It is. It'll make you, I mean, it made me involuntarily cover my face with my hands a few times because I was just like, "Holy moly." I realized I've never seen a birth. That's not been Hollywood ties where they just show someone's screaming and then there's a baby.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:14] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:14] When you see that dilation and you see like a baby come out, you're just like, "Oh my." I mean, for guys especially I think maybe because we don't do this, we're not like equipped. Holy cow. It is something else.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:29] It'll stay with you for a while. It will.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:31] It is really something else. So I found it pretty educational and interesting to see, just really something else. And you do get an inside look at the medical establishment and there's sort of like birth industries where, hey, C-sections, they're super profitable, they're really expensive. The doctors want the birth to be over and go home, you know, to their own family. And often birth lasts like a couple of days. So often they're just like, "Yeah, let's move this along. We only have six birthing rooms or whatever, 14 birthing rooms at the hospital." So there's a lot of benefits and risks to doing birth at home. I just thought this is interesting, but for many of you, you might not care. It's called Why Not Home? It's on Amazon Prime Video. We'll link it in the show notes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:09] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us friday@jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. I'll link to the show notes for this episode. It can be found at jordanharbinger.com.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:22] Quick shout out to Andrea Ott who recently found us again after taking a long break from the old show came back. Saw we weren't there anymore. I got pretty disappointed/pissed off and then ended up sending us an email. So thanks for listening. And Annie Chau, a new listener who's a doctor who loves our emphasis on practical application. She also loves the articles on the website. Thank you. I'm glad people read those and are looking forward to seeing those in their inbox. And we'll be sending email roundup soon with the articles and some other stuff that's not on the show. I've just been slow off the ball engaging the email list because I've just had so many other initiatives, working on a new website, working on videos, all that stuff. I'm finally going to get off the pot on this one and send some email updates. I'm using a consultant so that they're not crap. Stay tuned for that. You can register for the email list at jordanharbinger.com. I'll be sending out roundups, tips, stuff that's not on the show, and about our live events that we're going to start running as well. So jordanharbinger.com. Thanks, Annie for listening to the show. Go back and check out the guests Zvi Band and the Deep Dive on blaming others with Gabriel Mizrahi if you haven't yet.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:26] And you want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage amazing relationships and get opportunities like the one I had at the maximum-security prison, check out our Six-Minute Networking Course, which is free over at jordanharbinger.com/course. This course replaces the old Level One course. I have nothing to do with Level One. I have nothing to do with AHD for various reasons. So go grab the upgraded drills, the upgraded tech, and the upgraded systems at Six-Minute Networking over at jordanharbinger.com/course. And don't punt, don't kick the can down the road. It's just a few minutes a day. Type of habit you ignore at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff years ago. All of it, jordanharbinger.com/course is available for free. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show and jordanharbinger.com/youtube is where the videos are on YouTube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:17] My personal website over at jpd.me and you can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show or your podcasts player of choice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:24] This show is produced in association with PodcastOne. And this episode is co-produced by Jen Harbinger. Show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. And remember we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. We're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:49] If you like our show, you're going to love Off Beat with Ricky Anderson and Mir Harris on PodcastOne. Join the head of A&R for the Kanye West founded label G.O.O.D. Music and the music executive turned activist as they sit down for strange stories and offbeat conversations with some of the biggest names in music, comedy, entertainment, and more. Download new episodes of Off Beat with Ricky Anderson and Mir Harris every week on PodcastOne.