If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now, let’s dive in!
On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- When you’re the new hire on the job, how can you warm up the ice cold cliques that seem to surround you?
- Is there a secret technique to packing and traveling with wrinkle-free professional clothes?
- Even though you’ve rebuilt your life since spending two years in prison, you worry that people will find out about your past. How can you own it?
- When is it appropriate to explore medicine for depression versus continuing to make life changes?
- When you’ve got the opportunity to move your family to experience life in another country, how can you optimize your time to ensure you’re living to the fullest while there?
- How can you improve your social skills when you feel like you don’t have time to socialize?
- How can you express genuine support for a friend who’s experienced an unfortunate setback without it seeming like you pity them?
- Is there an easy way to let past mistakes go and stop blaming yourself for life’s big missteps?
- Recommendation of the Week: Death by Magic
- Quick shoutout to Captain Jose Gurganus!
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.
Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!
Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!
Resources from This Episode:
- TJHS 138: Deep Dive | Forget Finding Your Purpose — Do This Instead
- TJHS 139: Kai-Fu Lee | AI Superpowers and the Future of Humanity
- Harness the Power of the Ben Franklin Effect to Get Someone to Like You by Shana Lebowitz, Business Insider
- How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
- eBags Packing Cubes
- Ministry of Supply
- Pack without Wrinkling Videos on YouTube
- TJHS 127: Deep Dive | How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome
- TJHS 4: Deep Dive | Learning How to Cope with Instability
- TJHS 124: Kristen Carney | Why Depression Isn’t Just Your Own Battle
- Psychology Today Therapist Finder
- TJHS 90: Jonathan Haidt | The Danger of Good Intentions and Safe Spaces
- The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom by Jonathan Haidt
- TJHS 132: Andy Molinsky | How to Extend the Reach of Rapport Across Cultures
- How to Start over in a New City by Jordan Harbinger
- Total German Foundation Course: Learn German with the Michel Thomas Method by Michel Thomas
- Six-Minute Networking
- Death by Magic
- TJHS 133: Tom Bilyeu | The Secret to Making Powerful Friends
Transcript for How to Warm up Cold Cliques - Feedback Friday (Episode 140)
Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger Show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests and this week we did a Deep Dive with Gabriel Mizrahi. He, you've heard of him before. He's the Head of Editorial here at the show and he makes me sound really smart in written format which is what I love about him, but this Deep Dive was about finding your purpose and how this path is a bit more complex than the old clichés, like follow your dreams, follow your passion, whatever, and others, so-called advice that can just make us miserable. So check out that Deep Dive on Finding Your Purpose earlier this week. We also had former president of Google China and Artificial Intelligence Investor, Kai-Fu Lee, talking about AI, the rise of China, and how the AI revolution will be as dramatic and impactful as the industrial revolution, but it'll happen a lot faster. That one was fascinating. Don't miss that as well. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guests insights and experiences and our insights and experiences to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday, you can reach us at email@example.com. And I just got back from Hawaii, Jason. I forgot what it's like to relax.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:01:17] Yeah, you relax? Seriously?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:01:20] It's funny because when I was on the plane, I was watching stuff on my iPad and I watched some stuff for interviews that we're doing and then I just ran out of things I had to do. So I turned on some CNN documentary or something about spies and I was just watching it for no reason. And Jen looks at me and she goes, “Are you okay?” And I go, “Yeah, why?” And she goes, “You look like you just look different somehow.” And I was like, “Yeah, I feel weird.” And she goes, “Yeah, what's up with you?” And I was like, “I don't know. Let me think about this.” And I thought about it and I thought about it, and I went, I just have nothing to do, so I'm really relaxed. And she's like, “Yeah, you're like completely sagging in the chair and just like nodding off.” I never look like that. I always looked hyper alert. So she was concerned that -- and I was concerned and I forgot what it's like to relax literally forgot what that feeling was. That's how long it's been.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:13] Yeah, yeah. You know you needed a reset, that's for damn sure. After this year that we've had, I'm looking forward to my reset after we do this show. So yeah, it's good. It's good to get a getaway sometimes, isn't it?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:24] Yeah, man. I really can't even overstate it. What was really cool, I ran into a lot of show fans down in Hawaii, in various hotels and restaurants. I thought it was cool. It's like half the island listen to the show. It would be --
Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:37] Nice.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:37] I’d be at a cafe and people would be like, “Hey Jordan, love the show, man.” And I'm like, “Oh, okay.” And then I went to eat some local food. It's like, “Hey Jordan, really love what you're doing. Love the episode with so-and-so.” And I thought like, “Wow! That's really unique. Rarely would I run into show fans in separate places in a week.” And then it just kept happening and I thought that was really cool. I guess Hawaii doesn't-- the big Island doesn't have that many folks on it, so there were a lot of show fans that happen to be at that hotel. I don't know. So a big Aloha to everyone I saw down on the big Island this past month, and this Feedback Friday should be interesting as always. You've got fun ones, we've got doozies. I can't wait to dive in. Jason, what do we have first?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:14] Hello, Jordan and Jason. I'm 25, and I'm going to school full time to become a kindergarten teacher. This year I was hired on as a teacher's assistant and it's provided me with very valuable insight into the teaching world. This past weekend was our holiday party and I was looking forward to attending since I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to get to know my coworkers better in network as well. The dinner party was hosted at a local restaurant and my expectations were quickly thrown down the drain as I arrived. Everyone was sitting in cliques and didn't bother to acknowledge other people besides their own groups. What struck me the most was the admins demeanor towards the others. I was honestly expecting more of a friendly and welcoming atmosphere since we're in the education field with children. After awkwardly finding a spot to sit, I spoke with a few teachers and had my meal and left. What would you guys do in this sort of situation? When everything and everyone is just awkward and rude, I left so upset and let down since I was expecting to have a fun and good time, but it was very difficult to enjoy. Am I getting into my head too much? I keep beating myself down since I thought maybe I was shy but I automatically closed up. What are some tips to get the most out of a work event and meet new coworkers? Thank you, The New Kid In School.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:23] Ugh, this hurts to read because I've definitely been through this. Clicks are tough because we feel rejected by that. Cliquishness right. We feel excluded, we take things personally. I know how it feels to sit alone and do your own thing and feel like nobody cares if you even exist. In fact, as an only child, I felt like that much of my life because everything I went into was a click, kind of almost by nature where I was and I didn't have any siblings to kind of have made any headway in there. But I will say that it's not the case that people don't care that you exist. It's actually a hundred percent natural for people to just want to hang out with their friends. I wish I'd realized this as a kid, but it is the rare outgoing leader that goes out of their way to welcome someone else, and that's true for adults and children. And it sounds like your leadership is a bit lame in that department. The leadership, outgoing, make sure everyone's included department, but I think that's probably most professions. I think most professions and most offices are going to have clicks. It's just kind of the way it is. The cold truth is that it's you who has to go out of your way to go around and introduce herself. They're sitting in a click too bad, walk up and introduce yourself. Admin seemed closed off. Tough crap. Go up there and introduce yourself and insert yourself in their conversation. As long as they're not discussing something private or sensitive. Look, you can tell if people are more likely to be receptive because of their demeanor. If you look around at clicks, I'll tell you like I get it. I'm giving you tough love, but there are techniques for this.
[00:05:54] If I go into a place by myself, whether it's a conference or some sort of business thing or a dinner party, whatever it is, I will look around at the different groups talking and if there's a group talking that to laughing and smiling, I will go to them first because those tend to be more open conversations. Chances are the people that are really laughing and having a good time are going to welcome somebody else into the group. I don't have a science for this, but this is what I do when I go in work rooms. I will start with that. And typically people who are smiling and laughing, especially if they're doing it loudly, they have high social status because they're not afraid to be a little bit louder. So what that does is you can get into that group more easily and you can often rely on some of those people depending of course on the situation for introductions to other people. So go on into those groups first.
[00:06:41] Also, let's make good use of what's called the Ben Franklin effect. You've heard about this on the show before, but essentially this comes from Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Ben Franklin had somebody else in the government that he didn't get along with, and so what he did was he asked that guy to borrow a book. The guy was an avid book collector. The guy lent him the book to be polite and then Ben sent it back to them, and what this did is it caused the guy to think of him as well “I helped this guy out. I lent him this book, I must like him.” So that's what we call the Ben Franklin effect, where we sort of backwards rationalize our behavior. So ask advice from the older teachers, ask advice from people that have been there longer. Show that you value their opinion and you want to learn from them. Not only will you get some knowledge dropped on you from the older teachers, but you'll also take advantage of the Ben Franklin effect in this situation.
[00:07:29] I know this sounds relatively simple and it is. It doesn't mean it's easy though. So I do give you credit for reaching out knowing that this is an issue that you need to fix. The good news is that this is fully within your control and once you conquer this fear, because by the way, that's really what this is. It's a fear of rejection and of isolation. You'll be in a great place once you kick this to start off your career with a bang, so I really hope that that helps next time you find yourself in that situation. In the meantime, you realize it's you who needs to take the initiative on this. Nobody else needs to do that. Yes, they should, but since they're not, it's up to you and you'll be fine. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:08:07] Hi, J cubed. What advice do you guys have for traveling with and packing professional clothes? Every couple of months I traveled to professional events for school and have to pack suits, dress shirts, and slacks for the trip. It's aggravating to get to a hotel, tired from traveling, only to unpack wrinkled clothes. I hate having to iron stuff whenever I get somewhere. I know traveling for professional reasons will only get more frequent after school. Are there specific garment bags or suitcases that you can recommend that are practical but affordable? Is there a secret packing technique for these things? Thanks for all that you do and happy holidays, Rankled At Wrinkles.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:43] All right. I normally don't give advice on stuff like this, but I have a ton of experience traveling with professional clothing from my days on Wall Street, and now as the speaker and interviewer who is on the road a lot. I've got to pack all kinds of stuff and Jen helped me out with this because she helps me pack because apparently once you get married, you turned into a 15 year old or 12 year old boy again and your wife starts doing mom stuff for you. I ain't ashamed. I don't care. Anyways, so what we have are these eBags packing cubes, they're eBags packing cubes, 20 bucks on Amazon. You stuff your socks in one bag, you stuffed your undies in another, you zip it up, it makes it tight and compact and you can really shove these into your suitcase. Like they have measurements that are carry on size so they fit in perfectly.
[00:09:26] And then dress shirts, I usually take one or two. I fold up neat stack them. You can find great YouTube videos on folding the shirts really easily. Ministry of supply and Lululemon. Yes, the yoga brand, carry professional pants and shirts that don't wrinkle. They’re easy wash, they're dry. You could wear them on the flight, you can bike with them on. They're kind of almost like polyestery, plasticy, but they look like dress pants. They're not cheap. They're 150 bucks, but they're so worth it because you can literally pack a whole almost suit in there and just kind of like shake it out and it's perfectly fine. Favorite suitcase is Tumi, T-U-M-I. They have 40 percent sales twice a year. It's still pricey though. Get a four wheeled. Those wheels that rotate 360 degrees get a carry on size suitcase, always popular for a hard shell case. You can get a Samsonite as well if you don't want to shell for the Tumi, I get it. Tumi is great because everything's stacks together and attaches together and they have service and maintenance where you can just drop stuff off at a location and I've done this a couple of times, “Hey, my handle broke. Hey this is stuck,” and they'll just fix it while I'm in Manhattan or whatever. And then I walk in and get it later. Pack up and go.
[00:10:37] Like I said earlier, amazing videos on YouTube would show you how to pack certain items as well as how to pack tons of stuff without wrinkling them. People have mastered folding. Jason, I'm telling you, YouTube has folding videos where I'm just like this guy spent a lot of time learning how to fold clothes, a lot, or as some kind of engineer and figured out the most efficient way to do it. Last but not least, if you're traveling with a suit, get a suit bag, not a suitcase that you jam a suit. It is a suit bag. I have one, also Tumi. It's amazing. It attaches to my suitcase, so I have one giant rolling closet with me when I go to the airport, depending on what I'm doing of course, and links to this stuff, we'll be in the show notes as well. All right, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:18] Hello to the three J's. Huge fan of your show and Six-Minute Networking. 15 years ago, I did something dumb that cost me everything in my life. I spent two years in prison and had $100 when I got out. I'm a college grad. I contribute to society, outgoing, fast learner and clean cut guy, but it was amazing how I couldn't get a job. I ended up washing cars at a dealership in winter. I've rebuilt my life, built a company and have a great family. I do a lot of public speaking in my industry and have developed a great name for myself in my field. I'm so fearful that people will Google me when I speak or all of a sudden everything will come crashing down again because people will find out about my background. I have no issue telling people, but only after I know them. Any advice, The Friendly Felon.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:02] I get it. This is traumatizing or that experience as traumatizing, that's totally normal. The other thing is you're your own boss now. You have nothing to fear other than, well, shame, and this is a form of what I would consider toxic shame. You've got the idea that the past defines you somehow and also combine that with imposter syndrome. And I know you're going to be like, “Well I'm different, because my imposter syndrome is real because I went to prison.” I get it. But this is really no different than regular imposter syndrome and it's because you're in a league you didn't think you'd be in before and you were excluded from that maybe, you felt like it could evaporate at any second. All they're going to find out that I'm a fraud. They're going to find out that I don't belong here. I went to prison. This won't happen. And even if it did, you'd build it again. Trust me. I literally just did the same thing this year where I had to reset my entire business, my entire show, almost my entire life. What slightly different circumstances. I didn't go to prison. So I understand you had a different, a different set of factors here. What I do --
Jason DeFillippo: [00:13:04] Yet, you haven't gotten to prison.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:05] Yes. Not yet. Not yet. Haven't been caught. What I do if I were you is own the circumstances in your talks. What I mean by that is, look, I don't know your industry, but I think you could crush it if you added your story to whatever it is you're speaking about. Even if you're giving talks about customer service at car dealerships, imagine if you added an angle about how everyone has a story and that story affects how they think and that mindset affects their customer experience or something like that. And then you tie in something as personal as going to prison and coming out and building your business with a hundred dollars in your pocket. What's not to admire about that? Something tells me you're not in prison for some character defect, or something dumb. And I think we can all relate to getting caught and being punished for something, and imagining if we got caught and punished for the worst thing we'd ever done in our lives. Like look, if you've done something just absolutely awful, I understand that you're going to have some shame around that and you still need to own that, but it just sounds like it was probably a young dumb guy move.
[00:14:07] Adding your story to your talks, to your personal history allows your audience and colleagues to get to know you, and it will be scary because you're being vulnerable, but it shows a huge amount of character and strength and challenges the way the audience thinks about prison and about you and that's a great way to expand the listening audiences mindset during a talk. And this is the making of a great keynote speech and personal story here. I'm also happy to consult with you on something like this or refer you to amazing speaking coaches who can, if you're interested in that. I think you should turn this into one of your greatest strengths and something unique in your keynote.
[00:14:41] And just remember, vulnerability is so powerful and it's powerful precisely because it's scary for us to wear that type of thing on our sleeve. So as a poet named the [colosifer] [00:14:53] says “To show your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable, to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength,” and I hope that's clear here for you, and I think that you should do that. I think you should really get ahead of this but not just get ahead of it, own this, and use it as a hammer to just knock your audiences out. Because I think this is the makings of a great talk and a bio that just makes you so unique and so interesting, much more than anybody else who might be in a similar circumstance or other folks in your industry. Oh, and listen to the episode, we did a Deep Dive on Imposter Syndrome. You need to listen to that and if you already heard it, re-listen to that because I talk about this feeling of fraudulence, this feeling of uncertainty a lot, and if you've got time listened to the Deep Dive on Uncertainty as well because it sounds like you're in kind of a combo of those two situations. Those two Deep Dive episodes should really help. We'll link to those in the show notes as well.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:48] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:51] This episode is sponsored in part by NHTSA. That's the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Everybody knows about the risks of driving drunk. You could get an a crash, people could get hurt or killed, but let's take a moment to look at some surprising statistics. Almost 29 people in the United States die every day in alcohol impaired vehicle crashes. That's one person every 50 minutes. Even though drunk driving fatalities have fallen by a third in the last three decades, drunk driving crashes still claim more than 10,000 lives each year. Drunk driving can have a big impact on your wallet too. You can get arrested. You can incur huge legal expenses and you could lose your jobs while you should. So what can you do to prevent drunk driving? Plan a safe ride home before you start drinking, designated sober driver or call a taxi. If someone you know has been drinking, tackle them and take their keys and arrange for them to get a silver ride home. It's literally better to have someone sleep in your fricking couch or in the bushes for all I care rather than drive home drunk. We all know the consequences of driving drunk, but one thing is for sure you're wrong. If you think it's no big deal, drive sober or get pulled over and stay safe this holiday season. We want to see you next year.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:57] This episode is brought to you in part by HostGator. I don't know if you've seen the news lately, but there's a pretty big backlash brewing against social media and since those social media sites do come and go, you need to have a stable place on the Internet that you can call home a place you can send people to find you no matter what website is popular this week. And that's why we recommend HostGator's Website Builder. You can easily create a professional looking in feature packed website and the best part is no coding. Trust me, I coded for 20 some years, no coding, good for you, very, very good. And you can choose from over 100 mobile friendly templates. So your site will look great on any device, like your smartphone, your tablet, your desktop, whatever is in Vogue this week. Maybe your table, maybe your kitchen table one day we'll have a web browser and it'll look great there too. HostGator gives you a ton of add on so you can do things like increase your search engine visibility without being an expert in SEO and you can also integrate PayPal buttons really easily so customers can give you a tip or buy some stuff from you whatever you have. It's easy. They just do it for you and you'll also get a guaranteed 99.9 percent uptime and their support team is there to help you with any issues that you experienced. 24/7, 365. HostGator is giving you guys and gals up to 62 percent off all their packages for new users. Just go to hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.
[00:18:15] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals, and if you're listening to the show on Overcast, please click the little star by the player so we can get a little credit for what we do over here. We'd really appreciate it. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:39] All right, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:18:40] Hello, Jordan and team. I've been feeling down and lonely for several years. During this time externally, I've been extremely successful. I built a business that has grown to support myself and several employees, started several new social activities, made lots of new friends and renewed existing friendships thanks to Six-Minute Networking, challenged myself with interesting classes like improv, achieved multiple fitness goals, and overall have focused on living my best life. Despite externally appearing fine internally, I've been a mess. I live alone and will regularly have waves of loneliness and unhappiness wash over me. Sometimes I can even be out among friends in experience, feelings of loneliness despite being surrounded by people who care about me. About six months ago, I started seeing a therapist upon hearing it recommended over and over again on the show, and I've made progress and feeling better. I can catch myself intellectually when I'm feeling down, encounter thoughts of sadness, but emotionally I don't feel any better. When I recently listened to your show on depression with Kristen Carney, it clicked her description of what depression feels like resonated with me deeply.
[00:19:42] I've been trying to counter the feelings of loneliness by enhancing my social circles, but I'm not emotionally seeing the results. I have additional room to grow in this area. There are always more classes and interesting hobbies to explore. I could get a cat or a dog, find a roommate or find myself in a serious relationship with someone, but I'm wondering if these internal feelings of sadness will persist regardless of the external progress I make. When is it appropriate to explore medicine for depression versus continuing to make life changes? I'm a functioning member of society and externally I'm doing well. Well, I do get emotionally down in lonely. I've not let it stop me from achieving my goals. I don't experience thoughts of suicide, but I do regularly have feelings of the pointlessness of life. Obviously, any decision made in regards to medicine is a discussion I should have with my doctor and or a psychiatrist, but I'm wondering what your take is on if these are feelings everyone deals with the times and when it's appropriate to seek medical treatment. Thanks for all you and your team does. I owe a large part of the changes I've made in my life to the skills I've learned listening to your show. Gratefully yours, Happiness Seeker.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:46] I'm really sorry to hear this, and thanks for writing in. You're doing everything right. Seeking professional help for this stuff is a great idea. As the symptoms are no joke, I hear you on trying to expand your social circles and improve your happiness, but that's not really how this works. Yes, social circles improve our happiness. They improve our satisfaction, but if we have regular, normal people brains, as we all do, sometimes expanding our social relationships can work wonders. Don't get me wrong. If you're in a place where you're surrounded by friends, but you still feel lonely and hopeless, you've got something else going on.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:23] I totally picked up on that. That was the one line where he got me. I'm just like, “Oh, you have something else?” This isn't just, you need more friends.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:30] Right, yeah. Like you know, when I moved to Mexico, I was learning Spanish and I was a little bit depressed now that I think about it and recognize it at the time. But I live kind of far away from this city and the family that I was living with, they were like having all these fights all the time because the father was like an alcoholic and was drunk all the time, and I didn't think like I should switch families. I was like, “Ookay, whatever.” And I started to get depressed around that and I remember being like I should snap out of this crap. I'd miss my friends at home and stuff. So I started making more friends and things really started to look up for me. That makes more sense. I was socially isolated when I fixed that. It improved my happiness level. If you're surrounded by friends at a bar and having everyone else's having fun and you just feel lonely and hopeless. Man, that's a good indicator like you said Jason, that something else is going on here that's more brain chemistry and not just like think positive or something like that, right?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:23] Yeah.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:24] This is different. We don't fix depression by forcing ourselves to be more social, unless social isolation is the cause of our depression. So let me repeat that. We don't fix depression by forcing ourselves to be more social, unless social isolation is the cause of our depression. And you'll know that because then when you're around people, you feel great, but maybe you don't make time for that. But if you're still around other people and you still feel that way, you got something else. In Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Happiness Hypothesis. He talks about three methods to deal with depression and this is over simplified, but it's just to give you an idea here, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy or medication. But this isn't a decision that you should make on your own, especially if you're already seeing someone about this. If you're seeing a therapist. Great by the way. Try discussing each of these options with your therapist and your doctor and I'm glad that Kristen Carney's episode on the show was able to show you that what you're dealing with is something particularly acute and this isn't just the normal ups and downs of life. So lean into your treatment, realize this is something you can wrangle and get ahead of, even if you can't control it right now on your own and you'll also give official, you have my permission to stop beating yourself up about this. Sometimes our brain chemistry just needs a reboot and we shouldn't be expected to just do this on our own without any help. So continue seeking treatment and let yourself off the hook a little bit. It sounds like you're being hard on yourself for this and you shouldn't be. This is something that a lot of people go through. There's no shame in it at all, and the best thing to do is just figure out how to fix it and it sounds like you're on the right path. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:00] Hey all, I have the incredible opportunity to move to Germany with my family. I have four kids under six and a wife that is super supportive and excited to go on this adventure. We've worked really hard for the last five years and gotten out of debt this year, so we'll have way more funds to seek adventures. We'll be there for three years and want to do as much as we can during that time. We'll have at least one four day weekend, a month and two, two week paid vacations a year. We want to take advantage of this incredible opportunity to the fullest. We are both musicians and history buffs and are so excited to live with all that history so near. We don't want to be the type that you mentioned in passing a few weeks ago that lives in Germany and eats at McDonald's. As a seasoned traveler, do you have any advice you would give to capitalize on vacations and everyday life in another country? Your interview with Andy Molinsky made me realize we may not even know what we don't know. Thanks in advance, Soon To Be Foreigners.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:24:53] Yeah, this is great. I love this. I've spent several years living abroad and it was by far the most rewarding time of my life so far. I've lived in something like eight or nine countries so far. I've traveled to many more, and now, I don't know the particular circumstances of your job or how your kids are being educated, but in my opinion, the first thing to do is make sure that you're not stuck in the ex-pat bubble. This can be tough if you've got a job that's placed you with a bunch of other Americans living and working in the same place. If your kids are going to school there with German kids, then volunteer for things at the school and be as active as you can in their lives. This not only makes you a great parent, but it will expose you to the parents of other kids with whom you can connect.
[00:25:34] Now two, Germans are not super outgoing when it comes to making new friendships, especially as adults, but that doesn't mean that they aren't friendly and that's an important point to note. Realize though that you'll have to take the initiative when it comes to making the first move. Invite some of your German colleagues, your kids, friends, parents, et cetera, over to your house for barbecues when the weather's nice and consider also having holiday parties where you invite your local German friends and acquaintances so you can get to know them better. And there's a couple of unique things with Germany like if someone says they don't want to come to your party, don't take it personally, invite them again because it's actually totally acceptable. Jason, you'll love this. In Germany, if you don't feel like going to a party, you can just be like, “No thanks. I don't feel like doing that.” And the person goes, “Okay,” and it's totally fine. Whereas here --
Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:23] Oh man.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:24] I know, I know. Here someone's like, “Hey, are you coming to the party tomorrow?” And you're like, “Nah, I don't feel like it.” And people are like, “Oh, okay, you're too good for us.” Or “You don't want to go, why are you mad at someone?” You're just like, “No, I just don't feel like going to a party.” It's totally acceptable.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:39] Yeah, you can't do that in LA. People get so butthurt. I'm just like, “Man, I worked all day in the yard, my back hurts. I just don't feel like going out to a party today.” You can't say that. You have to make some something up, you know? It's like, “Oh my cat got run over by a guy down the street.”
Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:53] A garbage truck.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:54] I'm so sad right now, then they come over to your house next week and you're like, there's Fluffy and you're just like, “Oh--
Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:02] My other cat.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:02] -- he got better.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:02] It was my other cat. You never saw my other cat. Oh, that's weird. I've known you for eight years. You didn't know I had three cats. Yeah, the Germany's interesting like that. And the other thing is don't be late for stuff. They're really often on time. They’ll judge you.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:13] Never be late in Germany ever.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:15] Yeah, I mean you can be, look, it happens but like communicate and yeah, just don't be late. Also find something you can do with the wife or even your whole family, like sports classes, other activities and get going on those. I realize the language barrier will be an issue at first and that's okay more on that later. Three, see if there are any ex-pats that you meet in your new gig that have made local friends and make it known that you'd like to make local friends too and you'll stay top of mind when they hang out with those friends. They'll probably try to include you if you ask them to. And four, you're always going to hit a language barrier if you never learned to speak German in three years is way too long to go with a language barrier. Fortunately, German grammar is hard. Yeah, but the words are easy to learn and easy to pronounce, so get a German teacher on Skype. In fact, I can refer you. I have a really good German teacher on Skype and at fact I have a few really good German teachers on Skype that I can refer you to. You can do the lessons during your free time rather than going to a class and then being beholden to people that aren't as good as you or like classes being canceled. You can just do this whenever you want, whenever you have a free hour. Do that a few times a week. Do them with your wife to classes so you're both accountabl, you're on the same level and then check out the local university or couchsurfing.com or even some other websites for people befriending ex-pats or language practice groups. That's a great way to meet other ex-pats and some locals.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:41] When I was going to Germany I found some CD or actually back in the old day they were audio tapes from Michelle Thomas about how to learn German, and I just listened to them over and over again and I did. Nothing ever really clicked from it, but when I got into the social situations that I was in in Germany, I could understand a lot more. So maybe try and dig those up and give those a listen before you head over there just to kind of get some really good conversational grammar going.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:06] Yeah, if you're going to go to the country, Michelle Thomas is a great way to learn. I would start with the Skype teacher as well and he can get you going on sounds and correct you, which is going to be really important in the beginning. And there are a lot more things you can do to make local connections such as being a regular at a pub or a restaurant, playing on a sports team where the language matters less, et cetera. But if you make an effort to connect with Germans while you're there and you're practicing the language, you'll be conversational in six to eight months, you'll start making a lot more local friends, which has a snowball effect and network effect. And on your long weekends and vacations, take the train around to different cities in Europe, everything is so close over there. You can see a lot within just a few hours of your home without ever having to fly. And I'm jealous, you're about to have a life changing experience and the chance to raise your children knowing a second language almost natively. This is a huge advantage for them and for you for the rest of your lives if you leverage it properly. So [foreign] [00:30:04].
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:05] Ask [foreign][00:30:05].
Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:06] [foreign][00:30:06] yeah. All right, next up.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:09] Hi everyone. I'm in the surgical medical field working as a doctor coming to the end of my residency. I came to the realization that senior and attending jobs are being appointed, not based on competence but on social value. The problem is this. I had a previous medical doctor job in another area which I left. I was being bullied there and that place has done everything to hamper my career in my new place. I have a family with two kids and expecting a third one. I'm completing the exit exams at the end of completion of residency. I'm completing the write up for my PhD. I need to work on my current job. Therefore, I don't have much time to socialize, which is necessary to develop a good name nor take part in my residency programs teaching activities, which is a good way of developing a good reputation. Also, the stress of doing all of the above makes me a little short with people, which I find difficult to control. What should I do to build my value to be likable? To at least develop strong networks and support so I can get support for a future job. Best wishes, Dr. Crabby Pants.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:07] Hey, Dr. Crabby Pants. This is a tough lesson for many to learn. It's a big wakeup call when someone you hired four years ago is now your boss because they built connections and you didn't, and I get it, you're busy with your family, you've got the PhD, et cetera. I do understand that you're short on time. Thankfully developing a network doesn't require a lot of time. First, re-engage weakened dormant ties using the drills in Six-Minute Networking. Then do the layoff lifelines exercise also from Six-Minute Networking. This way you can start to build a support network. You should have started years ago, but it's better late than never and as the old Chinese proverb goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now, I won't go over these drills here because they're at jordanharbinger.com/course and videos and they're free for everyone. That's jordanharbinger.com/course. And there's a little something that's off about this letter though. I believe you may have been bullied. I know you said that, and this is common in any workplace but what is less likely somehow to me, and I don't know your circumstances, I'm not calling you a liar of course at all, but what seems less likely is that you were bullied and now someone's trying to follow you around and ruin your career.
[00:32:15] I mean, what happened that they have it out for you so hard. Let's assume though that this is actually is the case and you've got some vindictive a-hole, which is totally possible. The best defense you can have against someone trying to ruin your reputation is to develop a better and stronger reputation that is trusted more by others. It sounds a bit like you're not doing that. You say you're stressed, you're short with everyone because you all this stress and you don't have any time. I've got to stress views myself. I really do, but you have to realize that what you've just said is essentially the following. One, you're too busy to connect with others. Two, when you're at work, people are out to get you. Three, when you're around others, you're not that nice to them because you're stressed about one and two. That's a pretty vicious cycle. And all of these things may be true, but the through line here is that these are all external circumstances.
[00:33:05] I'm not hearing a ton of personal accountability here. What I do appreciate is that you're at least aware of what the problem is and you can fix it, so get cracking on Six-Minute Networking and realize that building relationships and networks is not optional. I think you see that now. This is a mandatory part of your career development. It's just as important as everything else you're doing for your career. You're already thirsty. It is beyond time to dig the well. Six-Minute Networking is at jordanharbinger.com/course again, it's free. You don't need a credit card, any of that crap. It's just the stuff that I really want to teach the world essentially, so go get it. All right, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:43] Hey Jordan. I reached out to my friend about something recently and he replied. I actually wanted to update you. I didn't pass the bar unfortunately. That's why I've been pretty flaky the past couple of weeks, just dealing with it in the way that I can, so I'm sorry if I've been out of it lately, but I really appreciate you getting me that coffee and sending me all those invites, et cetera. I responded the generic, sorry to hear, hope it all works out. It's now a few weeks and I want to reach out again to show some sympathy, et cetera, and invite him to hang out if he wants. What's the best way to do that in a way that allows him to feel like a normal, healthy person and not someone who people need to do favors for. Signed, Just Trying To Help.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:21] Hey man, this is one of those situations where he's feeling low and he doesn't want to be a burden on anyone and that's kind of like what happened with my friend Jay when he didn't respond to me for months. This guy, I was like, “What the heck? He's not responding.” I thought it was weird and at first I was like, “Did I do something?” I thought, “No, I didn't do anything.” And then I really had to work not to take it personally, but I was really weirded out by it. Later on, I finally caught back up with Jay and he had been going through a major set of life crises and he kind of got depressed and crawled into a shell. A good friend move here is to call him, call your friend, speak to them and see if you can stop by quickly in person. And then once you do, tell him you know he's going through some stuff and you wanted to let them know that it's totally cool if he wants to be alone for a while and that you’re around a talk. But once you let them know that, see if you can drag them out of the house for a coffee, a bite to eat, something like that. When we're sad, we often self-isolate instead of reaching out for support which actually can often make things a lot worse. With my friend Jay, when we did talk again, it turned out he'd been going through something very similar to what I had been dealing with all year and one of the things he said at the end of the call, “Man, I wish we'd talked earlier. I feel so much better knowing you understand what I went through. I wish we'd stayed connected all year,” and so it really, we could have really been helpful to each other throughout this year, but instead I couldn't reach him on any medium, so it was really tough.
[00:35:52] Also, let your friend know that you respect his wish to be alone, but that you're his friend and you think he should come out, he should go for a walk. He should get some sun and get some stuff off of his chest. This is a great opportunity for you to help a friend in need and a great opportunity to deepen your friendship. I hate to see my friends suffer at all, but what I will say is that whenever they do, I'm one of the first to get in touch because I see helping and supporting friends out in situations like this as a major opportunity to create a stronger connection with that person. So take advantage of this and help your friend out if you can, because I think it's an honor to be in this kind of position and able to help. All right, Jason, what's next?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:33] Hi guys. I've been through several very difficult life situations that forced me to look for ways to grow and function better around trauma and help other people through life as well. The only downside is that I have a really difficult time holding onto this newfound self-worth when I date or get into a relationship. It's 10 times worse when a breakup happens, even though I know I'm great the way that I am without anyone else. How do I get better at letting stuff go and not blame myself? I think this issue goes back to my childhood and that there was so much pressure on me to make my mother happy, so I feel like I lean on relationships habitually for the reassurance I never really got from her when I was succeeding. I would love to hear your opinion and to understand what I might be doing wrong. Thanks, Holding On Too Tight.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:16] This is a great question. This is a needy mindset here. This is the -- you're trying to get this person to love you more to give you attention so you're both needy and approval seeking and that's a really bad combination to have in relationships. This will destroy all non-codependent relationships and it will destroy healthy relationships. It is repellent to healthy partners to have this kind of mindset and I'm not yelling at you. I hope that comes across. I do have compassion for you here. This is nearly impossible in this particular state of mind to find and keep a healthy relationship. You're looking to relationships to fill a void in your life and you know this, you told me this. Instead of adding to or combining with someone else's life.
[00:38:02] So you want to bring people into your healthy, interesting, exciting, whatever world. You don't want to look to other people to complete you. That's a huge problem and that's always going to result in you having that needy or codependent or approval seeking mindset. So the solution here is to work on yourself, you need to deserve what you want and the way that you do that as you go to therapy and you're going to find that childhood patterns are very tough to break out of, but definitely doable. I would also work on your particular skills, build skills, and stack them. We've talked skill stacking before on the show. Essentially learn new skills. They don't have to be related to therapy at all. Work on yourself so that you grow and function better, that you have some more capabilities, this builds confidence. It will help you breaking out of those childhood patterns in combination with the therapy that you're going to. And you're going to find that as you become healthy, you attract healthier people as well, and you've got to also be careful that you're not trying to date people that are reenacting those childhood patterns. You're going to have to bring awareness to that because you want to avoid that. That's going to result in disappointment.
[00:39:06] The key here is realizing that you cannot fill a void in your own life with someone else and stay healthy and balanced while you do it. You can't. You have to work on your own stuff. You have to work your own stuff out so that you attract and are attracted to the right kind of people and then you're welcoming them into your world, which is a world that is healthy and in a good place for a long lasting, healthy, mature relationship. Until you do that, you're going to always seek external circumstances and validation and will always, always, always be a disaster.
[00:39:39] Recommendation of the week. Jason, have you seen this Death By Magic?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:44] Never heard of it. What is it?
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:45] So this magician, he essentially goes to all of these old -- wherever a magician in the past has died doing a trick. He goes and re-enacts that trick somehow.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:56] Oh wow.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:58] And he's doing different illusions and research and stuff. It's a little bit like Contrived of course, but he's good at what he does. It's pretty impressive.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:04] I guess he does the bullet catch in this one because that’s -- I think a lot of magicians have died trying to do the bullet catch.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:10] I haven't seen that. I've only caught a couple episodes of this. I don't want to spoil any of them. Some of them, I mean, look, it's really interesting. I'm of course trying to be like, “Okay, is this not just a bunch of camera tricks?” It would be really silly if it were, the guy has a good reputation, Death By Magic on Netflix. It's a series. It's not just one documentary. It's worth watching.
[00:40:29] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us firstname.lastname@example.org to get your questions answered on the air. We always keep you anonymous. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to Captain Jose G. He recently got my quote, action and suffering and unfortunately his friend was a victim of that Thousand Oaks Shooting, Jason,
Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:54] Oh, man!
Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:54] And yeah, just he's been really going through a tough time, but I met Captain Jose who's just an awesome person. We were at a party on a boat. I was at some Internet marketing party that my friend Keith Yackey through and it was like really good networking and they were announcing names that people that were on the boat and the captain asked to see me and it turns out the Captain Jose G. He listens to the show and he's like, “I heard your name being announced. So I went up to the bridge and hung out while we were on this like party boat. It was awesome.
Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:26] That's pretty cool. And yeah, Captain Jose is really great. I'm sorry to hear he's going through a tough time, and I guess the action end suffering from the Tom Bilyeu’s episode really is helping them get through that. So look, man, my thoughts are with you. You're a great dude and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time right now, but we are with you, man. All right. I'm on Twitter and Instagram @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Jason, where can they find you?
Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:51] They can find me at my personal website at jpd.me or on Twitter @JPDEF or you can also check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks over at gog.show or in your podcast player of choice.
Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:02] Right on it. And get the Six-Minute Networking Course, jordanharbinger.com/course. Teach you how to make, create and maintain relationships. This is the skill set I really -- that would have been life changing 10, 15 years ago. This course is free. You don't have to put a credit card in there. jordanharbinger.com/course. The show was co-produced with Jen Harbinger. Show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to email@example.com. Keep them concise if you can, it helps increase the chances your question will get on the air. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more coming up in 2019. Have a safe Happy Healthy New Year. This has been a great year for us. It's been a heck of a year and I just want to say thank you so much to everybody that is tuned in the first year of our new run. Apple Best of 2018, we did that because of you. Really. And it's been my greatest honor and I think I speak for both Jason, Jen, and myself and the whole team here. When I say it's been a great honor to serve you this year and we're really excited about what's coming in the future. So do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you in 2019.
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